Bruno Aleixo's Film (2019) - full transcript

O SOM E A FÚRIA presents

In co-production with SIC RADICAL

A film supported by ICA

Production supported by

That was the best vacation we ever had.

Do you still have some of the films
we shot? You could use them in your movie.

Yeah, I must still have them somewhere.

If I remember right,
you were becoming invisible at the time.

I was. And you were in a bad mood.

You were always calling me.

Should I have left the camera unattended,
on a table, where it might get stolen?



It wasn't that day in particular. You were
in a bad mood for the entire vacation.

Oh yeah! I had water in my ear!

And you wouldn't help me!

Help you how? You just had to wait
for the water to come out.

So the cure was just to wait?
Some doctor you were...

I wasn't a doctor yet at the time.

But almost.

I don't even know if that water
ever came out.

What's the longest time someone can go
with water in their ear?

Ribeiro, hold on. Someone's calling me.

Hello?

I'm almost there.

What do you mean, you're almost here?

You haven't even left the house!
I can't even hear the engine running!



I've just heard you
switch the engine on!

I switched it on because it switched off
at the traffic light!

What traffic light?

It's one that takes forever! A new one.
You don't know it.

That's right, I don't.

Are the kids there yet?

Yeah, they're here.
And one of them is having a latte.

I can't believe this.

What's wrong with that?
Leave me alone, damn it!

It's not even a latte, it's a cappuccino,
but whatever.

What's the difference?

LOL! A latte comes in a latte container.
Those glass tumblers.

Cappuccinos come in a cup like this one.
This is a cappuccino.

So is that the only difference?

Yes, it is! Ask anyone!

I will!
Wait until the waiter comes over...

Look, I've got to go.
There's cops over there.

I'm really almost there. See you.

SOME OTHER DUDES

BRUNO ALEIXO'S MOVIE

Man, why do you keep on picking on me?

It's not like I made the rules
and named things, damn it!

Yeah, but you never question anything
either. That's dumb.

You can call me dumb, how I knew
that a latte comes in a tumbler

and a cappuccino comes in a cup.
- Come on, stop that. Bruno's here.

Hallelujah!

Every single traffic light was red.

It was like witchcraft.

Bruno, what's the difference
between a latte and cappuccino to you?

They're the same.

But kids drink lattes
and old ladies drink cappuccinos.

What did you want to talk to us about?
I have to go soon.

I got a call from a man
who owns a movie company.

And he wants me to make him a movie
for his company.

That's cool!

Which company?

How should I know? And what's that to you?
Do you know any?

I don't know any Portuguese ones.
But I know lots of foreign ones.

This one's Portuguese.
I can't remember the name.

And where do we come in?

I'm supposed to send him an idea.
For a movie about my life.

- A biopic?
- Kind of. Semi-biopic...

It's nobody's business
what I do or don't do.

But I'm supposed
to send him an idea today.

So he calls you today
and wants an idea today?

- It wasn't today. The deadline's today.
- So you've only just thought about it?

It wasn't that long ago.
And it wouldn't make a difference anyway.

But how long did he give you?
Two days? A week?

- A bit longer.
- How long, then?

Are you my grandma or something?
Why all these questions?

What does it matter how long he gave me?
The deadline's today, that's all.

If they gave you a long time,
it does matter.

It's the difference between thinking
about something for longer,

a more mature idea,
with a beginning and end...

It was three months. Happy?

Three months.

Is that enough to write a decent script?
Not even three years would be enough.

What, a whole script?

- Wasn't it just an idea they wanted?
- And that's plenty.

A day is long enough to have
a thousand ideas. Even an hour will do.

Do you have any good ideas
for a good movie?

- So you're out of ideas.
- No, I'm not.

I have lots.

And good ones!

I just want to listen to yours
so that mine sound even better.

One of my ideas goes like this...

I had a disease.

I mean, it wasn't even considered
a disease. It was a condition.

I never needed any sleep.

So, since I had nothing to do at night,

I'd fight crime.
But without anyone knowing!

Only...

I was the Pope!

But isn't the movie supposed to be
about your life?

Sort of, I said.

Sort of? In what planet are you the Pope?
You're not even a priest.

Didn't I receive my confirmation?

I'm more suited to being the Pope
than you!

What about the bit about you not sleeping?
It's not at all based on reality.

Don't I have trouble sleeping sometimes?
Don't I have insomnia?

So let me get this straight:

You were a Pope who couldn't sleep,

so you used that time to fight crime?

That's right. Without anyone knowing.

But did you have a handgun?
Or a machine gun?

No, nothing like that.

It's a sin for the Pope
to use those things.

And I was a very good Pope.
I never used guns.

I was a MacGyver-like Pope.
You could even make sequels with that.

So that's your idea?

I have more.
But I thought about this one just now.

How about you coming up with an idea?
All you do is criticize!

I'll give you an idea, man.
These guys are all beating about the bush.

So... You were home
and got a phone call...

Hold on.

So do I play myself?

Doesn't matter.
Would you rather an actor played you?

I think so.

I'm not sure I want to have to go there
and shoot ten or twenty takes at a time.

Okay, an actor plays you then.

Can I be Adriano Luz?

Yes.

Hello?

Bruno, it's me, Toninho.

Listen carefully, this is important.
I have a gun to my head.

I mean, now it's pointed at the back
of my head so I could make the phone call.

Listen, it looks like I've been kidnapped.
I'm in this big house, I don't know where.

It smells like suckling pig, so it must be
somewhere between Mealhada and Águeda.

Mr. Bruno Aleixo?

I have your brother.

Sheesh!

So we find out who the Bad Guy is,
right from the beginning?

No, damn it! The Bad Guy's on the phone!

So we can't see his face?

No, we only hear his voice.

Okay, okay.

Mr. Bruno Aleixo? I have your...

But it might be cool if the Bad Guy was
in shot, only we couldn't tell who it was.

From behind or something.

Mr. Bruno Aleixo?

I have your brother.

Who are you? What do you want?

It doesn't matter who I am.

What matters is who I have.
I have your brother, António.

I don't want any of that!
Stick that idea in your story.

I have your brother, António.

I got that. What do you want?

That...

That will become clear
when the time is right.

And how do I know
you really have my brother?

Damn it, you've just spoken to him!

Yes, but nowadays there's software
that can mimic a person's voice.

I need more convincing evidence.

Do you?

Then tomorrow someone will come by
to leave you more convincing evidence.

You just wait and see...

Then you went to bed.

When you wake up in the morning,
your bedsheets are all wet.

It frightens you because you thought
it was your brother's head.

But it wasn't.
It was just Fernando Alvim's head.

But that's from...

That's from another movie.
From The Godfather.

Have you been drinking?

In what movie does someone wake up
with Alvim's head in his bed?

- Not Alvim's, but in The Godfather...
- Then shut up.

And in this scene Bruno was dreaming.

It's meant to scare him and feel remorse
for risking his brother's life.

It's a very emotional scene!

So the Bad Guy hadn't really
chopped Alvim's head off

and stuck it in Bruno's bed?

No, I said! It was a dream.

Then Bruno waits around for the Bad Guy
to send the evidence.

The evidence that proves
the guy has his brother.

He was probably really scared that they'd
send him his fingers or something, right?

Or his adenoids.

What kind of Bad Guy sends adenoids?

If they did, I'd know it wasn't true.

My brother's had his adenoids taken out.

I have another idea for a movie

where the Bad Guys send the wisdom teeth
from the guy they kidnapped to his family.

How did they know it was his teeth?

What about the fingers?
How do you know the fingers are his?

Yeah, that's true.

I'd never thought about it before.

After a while, the doorbell rings.

Bruno Aleixo,
I've brought object from Brother Toninho.

Cufflinks inherited from Grandfather Juca.

And a tie pin to match the cufflinks.

Hold on. Who plays the ninja?

Anyone, Renato! He's in a ninja outfit!

Yeah, I know.

What will it take for you to tell me
where my brother is?

Shinobi's not here to make a deal.
Shinobi only brings evidence.

- Shinobi is loyal to his boss.
- Wait a minute.

I haven't told you what my offer is yet.

I'll pay you double
what your boss is paying you.

12 months' wages per year.

Christmas bonus and paid vacation,
social security...

Shinobi does not betray his boss!

Shinobi has an unshakable code of conduct.

Okay, suit yourself.

Good one, Bussaco! On your first try!

Hold on. So Rogério Samora plays you?

Yes. Why? Is there a problem?

No, I just thought
you'd want to play it yourself.

Me? As if I have the time to shoot
this crap. Rogério Samora can do it.

Good one, Bussaco! On your first try!

Actually, it wasn't the first one.
I'd already fired four or five times.

It was the sixth try.

Then the Bad Guy called you again.

- Hello?
- It's me, the Bad Guy.

Look, the show's over.
We have your ninja.

- No you don't.
- Yes, we do.

He was shot with a dart to his neck,
one of those that put people to sleep.

- Even if that was true, the ninja...
- Even if that was true? It is true!

- Bussaco shot the dart.
- Let me finish, damn it!

Go ahead.

Ninjas abide by a code of honor.

He'll commit suicide
before he tells you anything.

I know, they break their own necks when
they get caught. I saw that movie too,

Showdown in Little Tokyo. It was crap.

That's the one. It's based on real facts.

Right. Only he's not going to do anything.
He's tied up.

His arms are stretched out.
He looks like Jesus.

It doesn't matter.
He has other methods.

Like what?
Sticking a pill under his tooth?

We thought of that too. So we filled
his mouth with walnuts, in their shells,

and taped over his mouth,
so he couldn't spit them out.

He can't even move his tongue,
let alone bite the pill.

Even so, he won't tell you anything.
Ninjas don't talk.

Look, I've had enough of this.

Give me back my brother,
and I'll give you your ninja back.

Don't make me laugh!

The ninja is only a pawn in this game.

Your brother Toninho is a queen or a rook.
It would be an unfair trade.

Listen: I will do everything in my power.

I don't know who you are,
or where you live,

but I will hunt you down
and I will kill you.

LOL! That really is from a movie!

It's the one where they steal
Liam Neeson's family.

Does everything need to be a movie?
Shut up!

Bussaco, get the ninja to talk.

Find out who his boss is, where he lives,

where he works, who his family is,
all of it.

Okay, leave it to me.

What method will you use?

I've been reading a book
on Middle Ages torture, the Inquisition.

It's given me a lot of ideas.

Right. I have some games here
that will get you talking.

Pick a number from one to ten.

Move your head forward.
As if you were nodding.

From one to ten.

Okay, I'll choose.

Let's do...

Three.

No, I don't like three.

Let's do four instead.

Four.

This is based on a Medieval idea,

but I've had to make some adjustments

because some things
are not available in the market anymore.

You're going to show him being tortured?

Of course. It's one of the best parts.

But that will make the movie
NC-17 and R-rated.

That's true, Bussaco.

I wanted it to be a family movie.

A family movie? But there's a scene
with Alvim's decapitated head on it.

But that was a dream, dumbass!

Okay, forget it.

We'll cut to when we're driving
to the Bad Guy's house.

Are you sure this the right address? Don't
you think the ninja might have made it up?

No way.

Didn't you see the state
your cutlery was in?

No. What happened?

You might as well burn it all.

I've just had a thought.

What if the actors' voices were dubbed?

Dubbed by whom?

By you!

Aren't you the characters?
They could have your voices.

Everyone recognizes your voices.

I think it would be great for the movie.

I'm sick of holding this, I'll stick it
to the windshield. It's making me nervous.

In 800 meters, take the second exit.

God damn it, Bruno, hold it.
Otherwise it will fall off.

No, it won't. There's a trick to it.

It's a matter of angle.

- It's physics.
- Screw physics. It will drop off.

There! What did I say, Bruno?
I told you so!

Turn right.

- You shift gears too abruptly!
- Me? I'm driving!

Damn it!

That's all I needed, having GPS telling me
how to drive! That's all I needed!

Can't you see where it went?

Where did it go?

It must be under the seat, I don't know.

- Can't you reach it?
- With my sciatic in this state? No way.

Then shut up.

So we can hear the GPS woman.

Rerouting. Please hold.

Forget it.
No one likes dubbed movies in Portugal.

But they do in Brazil.

Maybe we should dub it now,
to save us work later.

In Brazil, they say "dublar".
Did you know that, Bust?

Okay, let's do it. Fine by me.

You've reached your destination.

But how will we get it open?

"Mister Cimba, Travel & Appliances"

Tired of trying to open doors
with wires that won't work

and break your locks?

What about credit cards? They always work
in movies, but never in real life.

You'll never need to take your door apart
again in order to get in your house.

Because "Mister Cimba,
Travel & Appliances"presents:

The door-opening kit
"X-ray Plate Unlocker".

It can easily open any type of door.

With X-ray Plate Unlocker,

you'll never need to call the fire brigade
to open your door again,

with all the bureaucratic hassle
that entails.

Nor a locksmith,

with their prohibitive prices,
charged without a receipt.

This kit contains several X-rays
from people who are now dead,

and they come in different
sizes and thicknesses.

Thin and long X-rays for locked doors;

smaller and thicker X-rays
for doors left just on the latch;

X- rays without rounded corners
forjammed windows, etc.

If you call now, you'll also get
a free long and thin X-ray

to open car doors through the window.

You'll never again regret having left
your key inside, in the ignition.

All you need to do is get your X-ray Plate
Unlocker and follow the instructions.

It's very simple,
it will only take a few hours.

The fire department have taken years
to reach the same level of efficiency.

Order now on...

So there's a Mister Cimba ad?
Halfway through the movie?

Yes, that's pretty common nowadays.

It's called "product placement".

Yeah, but it's usually more subtle.

Isn't a whole ad a bit too much?

I think it's best to show the whole thing.

Otherwise it's hard
to understand the product.

And that way they'll definitely
sponsor the movie.

If it was subtle, they wouldn't
sponsor it. Or would pay less.

Good idea, Bussaco.

So...

We open the gate
in the Bad Guy's hiding place.

And there he was,
with a gun to your brother's head.

Hold on. So Bruno's brother
is also played by Adriano Luz?

Well, he's his brother.
They have to look alike.

Aren't there other actors
who look like that actor?

Otherwise it will look
like Bruno and his brother are twins.

Let's leave it for now.
We'll think about it later.

Toninho's not in the movie a lot anyway.

So? What happens to him?

Wait, you'll see.

Not so fast!

Let Toninho go
and let's step outside to settle this.

Just the two of us. You and me!

I know it's me you want.

You? Why? I have nothing against you.

You do now. Moron.

What are you looking at, moron?

Yes, you, idiot.
It's like you have something against me.

It might just be my imagination.
Right, sucker?

Bussaco, it's not working.

Hold on, you'll see. Take it easy.

Check this out. You know something?

I've been having sex with your wife,
numbnuts!

And your mother.

Almost always at the same time. After it,
the three of us laugh at you. You clown!

Enough joking around.

Get back or I'll kill him.

I almost broke him, Bruno. Almost.

But you're surrounded.

There's a group of rangers outside,
friends of mine from special ops.

And there's a sniper
with a gun pointed at your head.

That would be a really bad idea.

I have a bomb linked to my heart rate.

If my heart rate stops,
the bomb will go off.

We'll all die.

- Shit, is that for real?
- I don't know, man.

I once saw a movie where the bad guy
had something like that. I don't know.

We can't get a break.

Toninho, see if he's got some wires
on his chest, or something.

I can feel something.

But I think it's the buttons
on his waistcoat.

Enough chitchat, damn it!

Tell your goon to go away.

So if Bussaco leaves,
you'll let Toninho go?

Not a chance.

That's not how it works.

I'm holding all the cards.

Then what if I swapped with my brother?

You have a problem with me, not him.

Finally, an interesting offer.

That's settled then.

You let my brother go
and I'll stay here with you.

Hold on.

First, tell your goon to leave.

Bussaco, go, I'll handle this.

- Are you sure?
- Yes.

Okay.
I'll be in the car listening to the radio.

Now let my brother go.

Man, that's crazy!

- So the Bad Guy left with Bruno?
- Yes.

He put him in the trunk of his car
and took him to a hiding place.

Then what, Bussaco?

Did no one come to rescue me?

No one knew where you were!

It was another hiding place.
Even more secret.

What are we waiting for?

Come on, tell me what it is.

What is what?

What is it that we're waiting for?
What else?

Instructions?

So you're not the boss? There's someone
even more of a boss than you?

Maybe you're just the messenger boy,

sent to do the grocer's job.
- I'm the boss!

But it looks like we're waiting
for someone who's even more of a boss.

Enough chatter.

We're just waiting for the money.

The money...

How can I bring money
if I'm tied up here?

I don't know. That's not my call.

So you're waiting for instructions?

Will they come by phone?

You might not have any signal here.
Have you checked?

Your boss might be trying to reach you
and you're here in a hole with no signal.

Was that really necessary?

You're frustrated
because you can't do things right,

and you take it out on me!

Shut up!

Wisecracker...

Okay, I'll be quiet.
You make a good point.

I'm the boss.

Yours and mine.

You do whatever I say.

You're just cargo to me.

Money.

That's it.

I've told you I'm the only one
with access to my bank account.

You can't fool me, you hear?

I've been warned about you.

Alright, forget what I said.

Is there anything to eat?

In hostage movies, there's always pizza.

You're hungry, in your position,
Mr. Bruno Aleixo?

There's nothing to do.

It feels like we're waiting for someone.

So...

We take it easy.

Who are we waiting for?

Is it my bank manager?

Other than me, he's the only one
who has access to my bank account.

This is your final warning,
Dr. Bruno Aleixo.

Okay, you can put that down.

So when I tell you to be quiet,

you need to stay quiet.

Okay, I'll be quiet.

I get nervous when I'm hungry.
What can I do?

I can't be quiet, I become aggressive.
And I start arguing with people...

I've just remembered,
I have a chocolate in my pocket.

Could you untie me,
so I can eat my chocolate?

Please...

Just a little bite. You can feed it to me.

Okay, we can share it.

It might be a little crumpled,

but it will still taste good.

- Is that it?
- Yes.

If I feed you the chocolate,

will you calm down?

Come on...

Come on... We were supposed to share it!

Delicious.

There's a hint of...

Old chocolate, like it was kept
in the cupboard too long.

But it's delicious.

It's not old.

It's poison.

I injected poison into it.

Because I knew I might be kidnapped

and that you'd keep
the chocolate to yourself.

That you'd eat the whole thing.

How long do I have?

You should be dead by now.

The lights in the hiding place go out.

Intermission.

Intermission?

I thought that was nearly the end!

Or is the Bad Guy not dead?
Is he coming back to life?

He's dead. But there's another Bad Guy
who's even more of a Bad Guy.

More of a boss.

This one was just a deputy boss.

So who's the real boss?

Wait...

It's a surprise!

Is it a surprise
or are you still making it up?

I'm keeping the suspense!

There's got to be suspense
in an action movie!

I wonder if it was all set up
by my brother. To take my money.

My brother wouldn't do
something like that.

But his wife
might have talked him into it.

Was that it, Bussaco?

I'll tell you in a minute!

You go on and say your ideas.
Shorter ones.

What do you think of this?

- Do you remember when Bruno...
- Wait, I've just thought of another idea.

Ribeiro and I had gone
to a fraternity party.

- In academic dress?
- I don't know. Could be.

Wait!

Academic traditions were banned then.
Nobody wore academic dress.

That's right.
They were banned until around 1980.

Wait, wait.
It happened after our military service.

1980 something. They were back on.

No, wait...
We weren't wearing academic dress.

It was a frat party.

That fraternity was against
those traditions at the time.

Or was it?

No, it wasn't a fraternity,
it was an academic party,

so we were all wearing academic dress.

Or was it a fraternity?
I wonder if it was...

What does that matter?
Or whether you're wearing academic dress?

Just get on with it!

So there was a party.

We went just the two of us,
but we knew a lot of people there.

I just said hi, generally.

But Ribeiro decided to go
and greet everyone.

One by one.

So is that the movie?

Just Ribeiro saying hi to people
for 10 minutes?

What a snooze fest!

Who said that was the whole movie?

That's just the beginning.

You're such party poopers!

Okay, tell us the rest of the movie.

I don't want to anymore!

That's because you're out of ideas.

As if you have lots.

As a matter of fact, I do.

Listen to this.

Do you remember when you took me to...

Bussaco!

Bussaco!

What?

Were you asleep?

No, no...

I was thinking about my movie.

Come on! I was about to tell you my idea.

Go ahead then.

Do you remember
when you drove me to Curia,

to play a DJ gig?

I do. You said
there'd be suckling pig for dinner.

- And wasn't there?
- As if!

What was it, pork shank?

You talk as if the pork shank was bad.

When you're expecting suckling pig,
everything else is bad.

And there were suckling pig rissoles
on the table, as a starter.

So technically, there was suckling pig.

Who are you trying to fool?

Since when are rissoles
the same as suckling pig?

Are prawn rissoles
the same as eating prawns?

Such luxury!

Some kids eat prawns every day
in the school cafeteria.

The little princes.

Can I tell you my idea or what?

- Soon I won't...
- Sure, go ahead.

But I don't know
what you're going to tell.

Nothing happened that night.

Really?

Wasn't there a downpour after dinner?

There was a power cut and everything!

That's right!
We were all stuck at the hotel.

They even had to cancel the DJ set.

And the hotel owner
let everyone stay over for free.

It was scary!

Lots of thunder
and people wandering around in the dark.

I went straight to my room
and locked myself in.

Why did you have to remind me of that?

Well...

The movie was called
Dead Body Floating in the Woods.

DEAD BODY FLOATING IN THE WOODS

Floating in the woods?
Are the woods a swamp?

No, it's in the lake
in the middle of the woods.

But we can't call it "Dead Body Floating
in the Lake in the Woods".

DEAD BODY FLOATING
IN THE LAKE IN THE WOODS

It would be way too long
for a movie title.

Change the name, damn it.

Call it "Dead Body in Curia".

DEAD BODY IN CURIA

Who the hell knows what Curia is?

A Crime in Bairrada. That will work.

Only Bairrada doesn't have
the same dramatic ring to it.

It makes you think
of restaurants and sparkling wine.

In the spa. "A Crime in the Spa".

Yeah, that works.

Okay, that's fine.

A working title.

So the movie was like a black and white
detective movie from the 40s.

Who were the actors?

I don't want to be a theater druggie
friend of yours. All beards and long hair.

Man, let me tell the story!

The idea is the main thing.

We can decide who plays you later.

I'll be Alvim.

Because Alvim is also a DJ,
same as my character.

A DJ? In the 40s?

I didn't say it was set in the 40s.

It was like the 40s. In black and white.

But what are the actors wearing?

Why does that matter?

So I can picture them!

I have to know
whether they're wearing modern clothes

or DJ clothes from 2009.

They're wearing neutral clothes.

Like polo shirts and fabric pants.
Is that okay?

Yes.

I think I was actually wearing
a polo shirt that day.

But no pants.
I was naked from the waist down.

Will you let me tell the story?

Do you remember the next day?

I do. We went for a walk
in the woods in Curia, near the hotel.

That's right. And we saw a jacket
floating in the lake in the woods.

Ajacket, sheets, towels...

A bunch of things that were hanging
from the hotel clothesline.

It's normal for white sheets and towels
to be hanging from hotel clotheslines.

But not jackets.

In my movie, a man had gone missing
from the hotel that night.

And it was his jacket.

It was a woman's jacket, as I recall.

It was a blazer!

A red blazer?

It was a woman's jacket!
From a skirt suit.

Okay. Just pretend it was a man's jacket.

In fact, we'd noticed the man before
because of his jacket.

- Wasn't it a black and white movie?
- Yes.

That's why we used words
to say it was a red blazer.

To let the audience know.

A red blazer.

- Then we'd take a trip around the lake.
- In a pedal boat?

Yeah, why not?

So we took a pedal boat and found
that man's dead body floating.

"Dead Body Floating in the Woods."

Hadn't we changed the title?

That's right.

"A Crime in the Spa."

Judging from the location,

you could tell the body
had been thrown out of a hotel window!

That doesn't work.

The hotel's not right next to the lake.

What if it's from a higher story?

I think that works.

No, man!

It's still too far away.
There's a small path in between.

Okay.

Then he died some other way.

Anyway...

The night before,
we'd seen the man in the red blazer

arguing with another man,
at the hotel bar.

So we became suspicious

and went to ask the hotel owner
whether she'd seen anyone leaving.

And she said:

The client in room 119 left
with the gentleman in the red blazer.

At two in the morning.

They said they were going out for a drink.

The client in room 119 came back alone.

Then we go and speak to the man
in room 119

and we see it was the same guy

who'd been arguing with the man
in the red blazer the night before!

He was all flustered,
packing his suitcase in a rush.

It wasn't me!

Did he really do it?

Yes.

Shit!

That's a shitty detective movie!

I agree.
I was expecting a plot twist.

All evidence pointing at that suspect,
but it turning out it was someone else.

Like the woman from reception.

Everything the woman said
incriminated the man with the goatee.

That's highly suspicious.

Or the man working at the bar.

I always suspect the butler.

Now that you mention it,
that might be cool!

If it was someone else...

From the hotel or the bar.

Good idea.

Speaking of hotel.

I'll call Jaca. He might have some ideas.

Well remembered.

There's been some really cool movies
from Brazil lately.

Why didn't you let it ring longer?

Dumbass!

That way he'll call me back.
And I won't spend any money.

These kids are so clueless!

Mr. Bruno? Are you in Rio?

Jaca, listen...

Give me a good idea for a movie.

A movie?

Yes. They want me to make a movie.

Do you have any ideas?

Of course I do.

- Can I say it?
- Spit it out!

Mom, I'm going over to Kléber's.

Which Kléber?

He's a friend, Dad.

We're going to study for the exam.

Is he the bus driver's son?

You're not going.

Over my dead body! Forget it!

- Camila...
- She's not going.

Osvaldo.

I've lost my appetite.

YOU'RE WATCHING

GOLD & COPPER

Hold on, Jaca. That's a soap opera.

No, it isn't.

It's definitely a movie.

- A movie that could...
- But I'm not in that story.

Do you have one where I come in?

How about this one?

Do you remember when you came over here
for plastic surgery?

I do.

But I don't like
telling people about that...

You probably don't remember, but...

There was a guy in the next room
who'd also had plastic surgery done.

All bandaged up, just like you.

You couldn't tell who was who.

So the guy's wife came to visit him,
but she went into your room by mistake.

Thinking you were her husband.

Hi, little bug...

How are you feeling?
Do you have an ouchy?

Did you miss your little bug?

You're not talking?

You're so quiet...

Jaca, I have to go.

I'll call you later,
if I use any of your ideas.

You got it, Mr. Bruno!
If you need any more ideas...

Can I tell you my idea or what?

- Haven't you told it already?
- Not me!

Okay, go on then.

It was like a sitcom.

Sitcoms aren't movies.

That's right, Bust.

But can't you suggest a TV series
instead of a movie?

It would buy you some time.

You could say: "I had a better idea."

- "It's for a TV series, not a movie."
- Better? As if.

Hypothetically speaking, of course.

"I've a better idea, but it's for a TV
series. So I'll need a few more weeks."

I don't know...
I've done TV series before.

And I think a movie
would be more prestigious for me.

Or you could make it a comedy.

Sitcom means comedy.

Comedies are always crap movies.

Always with actors
pulling funny faces on the posters.

Go ahead.

- The sitcom or the movie?
- We'll decide later!

Just tell us your damn idea!

So, it was like a sitcom...

Set in Aires's Café.
Like Cheers or Coupling.

I don't know that second one.

It was a British sitcom.
They did a version...

I don't really care.
Who were the actors?

In Coupling?

No, dumbass. In my sitcom.

BUST PRESENTS

AIRES'S CAFÉ

You could be José Raposo.

I could be Gonçalo Waddington.

I think he's a pretty big actor now
and I identify with him.

Bussaco could be João Lagarto.

Aires... He could play himself.

It's a small role.

What about me? Can I be Alvim?

Alvim again?

Why is he in every idea now?

I think that guy isn't even an actor.

But okay. We can change him later.

It's just to tell my idea.

But what's it supposed to be?
Funny situations in Aires's Café?

Yes, situations that have occurred.

I can't think of any funny stories there!

Well... I can't think of any
from the top of my head either.

Didn't you work there one summer?

What? That thing
about him stirring drinks with his weenie?

How is that funny? It's disgusting.

It depends on how you tell it.
It might be cool.

I didn't even know you then.
It was years ago.

If we use that story, you won't be in it.

Nor will Renato.

Then pick another story!

Any story can work, if you tell it right.

Once we were waiting
for someone to play cards with.

"THE CAR"

It's about time someone showed up.

Anyone. I'm not fussy.

Anyone?

Yeah.

There's a car coming.

It might be someone.

It's definitely someone.

We don't have self-driving cars yet.

Someone to play with, idiot.

Who's the idiot
who took up two parking spaces?

Was it you, Renato?

Weren't there any other spaces?

One of these days you'll get screwed.
Some guy will come and scratch your car.

Who's the idiot
who took up two parking spaces?

Some idiot's taken up two parking spaces.

Does anyone know whose car it is?

Is there someone in the bathroom?
I'll go over there and sort this out.

I've blocked his car anyway.

If he wants to leave before me,
he'll have to deal with me first.

Forget about it. Play with us.

I'd like a coffee first.

A coffee, Bussaco?

I say coffee, but I mean a decaf.
Aires knows.

- Aires doesn't even have decaf.
- Yes, he does.

I worked here one summer.

What?

I was saying I worked here one summer.

- And there was no decaf.
- But there is now. It's a recent thing.

- Recent?
- Recent.

I'll ask Aires when he comes over.

You promised you wouldn't have any coffee.

Not while you're going
through that anxiety crisis.

How long has that crisis lasted?
50 years?

So now it's okay
to have product placement?

This is more subtle! And justified!

It's a crate of beer.
Cafés serve beer, as far as I know.

Wait.

Wasn't that the time when I stayed
in the café until closing time?

Yes. You were really sure
that someone was in the bathroom.

It was locked.

It could be the owner of the car
locked in there, scared of me.

Well, I think we'll get going.

You go.

I'll stay and wait for that guy.

I've told you, there's no one in there.

The bathroom's broken.

- That's right, Bussaco. Aires says...
- Says what? He's defending his buddy.

Or it might not even be his buddy.

It might just be a customer
who spends more money here than us.

Do you get that?

I once saw a guy drink 15 martinis
in five minutes.

Maybe it was him. I didn't take to his...

Face.

But you can go.

That's okay. I'll keep you company.

What do you mean, you'll keep me company?

If you're expecting a ride, think again.

I'm not taking a detour to take you home.
I'm going the other way!

Aires, what time do you close?

It depends. When everyone leaves.

If there's no one here, midnight.

If there's people here, 3 or 4 am.
It depends.

Then bring me a jug of wine.
It's going to be a long night.

I remember that.

This guy ended up calling a cab.

I was suspicious at the time,
wondering if that was his car.

I've only just found out for sure.

But the joke was on you.

You stayed there for ages
waiting for the man in the bathroom.

Not me. As soon as Aires turned his back,
I broke down the door.

There were just brooms in there.
And buckets.

And there was a mop turned upside down.

At first, it looked like a guy
with long hair. But turns out it wasn't.

Aires wanted me to pay for a new lock.

Rightly so.

How's that?
Wasn't it broken from the start?

You got some nerve...

The bathroom was broken. Not the lock.

Really? Then why didn't Aires
open the door, to show me?

That's right...

You can't convince me with that rhetoric.

Maybe it was a trick
to make me stay later.

Having jugs of wine.

If that was the idea, tough shit.

What about you, little boy?
Cat got your tongue?

Leave me alone...

I was thinking...

What if it was a horror movie?

What if there was a monster
in the bathroom,

instead of the mop?

Or it could even be the mop!

The monster in the movie could be the mop.

Have you ever seen a mop upside down?
It's scary.

But isn't this supposed to be a biopic?

Everything turns into an action,
detective or horror movie.

Shut up. Your idea isn't even a movie.

Tell us about that mop movie. I'm curious.

So there was a mop monster, right?

- We would hear a noise.
- You and Aires were the first to die.

Aires was in the bathroom. And he heard
a noise coming from the toilet.

- Headless people again, Bussaco?
- Isn't this a horror movie?

- Headless people again, Bussaco?
- Isn't this a horror movie?

How can you have a horror movie
without chopped heads?

I don't think that's even possible.

That's true.

What about Renato? How did he die?

Renato heard the noise
from the mop killing Aires.

That's impossible!

That thing doesn't get that hot!

But the mop had superpowers!

Even so...

I don't mind dying,

but I think it should be more balanced.

Balanced? Balanced how, Renato?

So you'd kill the mop?

Right at the beginning?

It wasn't really dead.

The mop would come back to life.
It was only pretending.

And you didn't die?

I could die later in the movie.

Not right at the beginning.

I think it's more believable that way.

No. It makes more sense for the mop
to melt your face in the hand dryer.

It wouldn't even need superpowers.

We could just show the mop
messing with the wires.

It could increase the hot setting.

That would be more believable.

Believable? A mop messing with the wires
in a hand dryer?

What about you guys? Don't you die?

Yes.

Bust was next.

You were trying to escape in your car.

That's a good idea, Bussaco.

It's a shame the producer guy
doesn't want a horror movie. Next time.

I'll use it. I can make movies now too.

Have you spoken to Ribeiro?

He's a doctor.
There are some cool doctor movies.

Yes, I've spoken to Ribeiro.

I called him before I came here.

Cool doctor movies?
There's cool doctor series.

There's movies too!

- I just can't think of any right now...
- I'm calling Nelson.

Mr. Bruno?

Do you need me to open the gate?

No, I'm not going home yet.

Give me an idea for a movie.

Harry Potter.

No, Nelson. A new movie.

With me in it.

But it has to be based on real facts.

Or sort of.

Can you think of anything?

NELSON PRESENTS:

NELSON'S MOVIE

Once, Bust and I went for a walk.

- Me and you?
- Yes.

- When?
- A long time ago.

I don't remember, but okay.

Let him tell the story!

Bust and I went for a walk.

Then Bust saw some poop on the ground.

Human poop.

And he said:

"Nelson, I'll give you 50 euros

"if you pick up that poo up
with your hand."

- Bruno told that story on the radio!
- Shut up!

So I did. With no gloves.

Bust laughed
but then he gave me the 50 bucks.

After a while,
I saw some poop on the sidewalk.

That wasn't human poop,
but it looked human.

So I said:

"Bust, I'll give you 50 bucks
if you pick up that poo with your hand."

In the end, no one won any money,

and we both touched poop!

That's right, Nelson!

I told that story on the radio!

It was made up. It's not real.

So you can't use it?

No. It has to be a real story.

That's right.
These have all been real stories.

They can be a little made up.

But Bruno is not even in this one.

It makes no sense!

Yes, he is.

He was in a café. Watching.

That's how he knows the story.

Okay, okay.

Okay, Nelson, thanks.

Bye.

Intermission is over.

I'm going to tell
the second part of my movie.

Finally!

I thought you were backing out...

Quiet!

SECOND PART

We, the rangers, learn how to break free
from chairs when we're tied up.

It was my favorite subject.
I learned it straight away.

Shit, it's pitch black in here.

The chest freezer's off.

I switched it off overnight. It wastes
too much energy if it's always on.

Aires...

I've told you over and over
that if you switch it off,

the ice cream cones go soft.

All soft.

I know you did.

You've told me and the whole world.

You can't keep your mouth shut.

So Aires was the Bad Guy?

Yes.

And this second hiding place
was his café's basement.

Bruno just hadn't realized it.

But why did Aires want to kidnap me?

Because you criticized his café.

Criticized how?

Didn't you tell people
not to eat cornettoes there?

Because he switches off the freezer
and the ice cream cones got all soft?

But it's true! He admitted that himself.

But he'd lost lots of customers
and he was pissed off.

And he was jealous of your success too.

Okay.

That makes more sense.

So what did Aires want? To kill Bruno?

Shut up! Who said anything about killing?

Did he want to kill me, Bussaco?

What do you want, Aires? Is it money?

That too.

- How much?
- All of it.

How much is all of it?

Can I put my arms down?

Yes.

You're coming with me to the ATM later.

- To do what?
- To check your bank balance.

I know you keep
half your money in the bank

and the other half god knows where.

In a saucepan, or a stuffed animal...

I'm very stressed. I don't think
I can remember my PIN number.

That's okay.
I have an anti-stress gun right here.

And if you give me the wrong PIN number,

these six bullets will take care
of your brother António's stress,

and your friends, Bussaco,

Ribeiro,

Renato, Bust...

Can't it be in a different order?

No.

And I'm saving the last bullet for you.

What time is it?

Five something. Why?

And you want to go to the ATM now?

People will see us.
Bussaco knows I've been kidnapped.

It would be better to go after dark.

And if we go around midnight,

we can withdraw 400 euros at 11 something.

And another 400 at midnight.
That makes 800 right there.

That's true...

But why is Bruno helping Aires?

Wasn't Aires the Bad Guy?

He's just buying time.

Exactly.

I'm smart, huh?

So Aires leaves
and comes back a few hours later.

Bruno?

Bruno?

Bruno?

I just wanted to ask if you wanted to have
some dinner before we go to the ATM.

I'll make a big pan of soup then.

That way there'll be some left over
for the week.

Aires...

Aires?

What happened?

So you're awake?

Yes, sort of...

What were you saying?
Something about dinner?

It was, right?

No.

You can only eat after we go to the ATM.

I haven't eaten for hours, man.

How can you expect me to remember
my PIN number?

Shut up!

Remember, I have my memory aid right here.

Wasn't it anti-stress?

Keep joking, Bruno.

Not only will you skip dinner,
but I'm coming to eat mine here.

Roast chicken.

- Or maybe suckling pig.
- You wouldn't do that, Aires!

You can't do that to a man!

You keep that up...

...and you'll see.

There's a dead man over there,
for god's sake! It's a sin.

That's okay.

Shit, I forgot to close the café!

Not a sound, you hear?

I'd better gag you.

Are you nuts? What are you doing?

Are you planning to stick
one of your filthy socks in my mouth?

Haven't you heard
of the Geneva convention?

You can't stick a sock in a prisoner's
mouth. That's a war crime.

It's a crime against humanity.

What if it's your sock?

Damn it, Bussaco!

You scared me!

Do you want coffee?

Coffee, Bussaco?

Come on, speak up.

I have to close soon.

Two espressos, please.

Why are you closing so early?

I have a personal matter to attend to.

It's personal.

You can leave it open,
I'll keep an eye on it.

Better not.

I'm not sure when I'll be back.

Such bad luck!

Today of all days.
There's football on in a minute.

Football?

At this time?

Yes.

On Eurosport 2. Women's football.

But I'd like to watch it.

Yeah, but I have to close the café.

As I said, I have a personal matter
to attend to.

Can you stop tapping on the counter?

I will. When my hand's no longer numb.

I was walking with my hand in my pocket
and it went numb.

So I can't stop moving my fingers,
you see?

Hurry up, please.

I'll be two minutes.

And...

Have you seen Bruno lately?
I haven't seen him in a while.

Yes. I saw him yesterday.

What was he up to?

Bruno's fine, but...

He had to go away for a while
to take care of some personal matters.

In fact...

Just like you.

Right.

I'm heading home.

Who was that?

Who was who?

Upstairs, in the café. Who was it?

What's that to you?

Just get ready to go to the ATM.

And then we'll go to your place
to get the money you have there.

But first you have to put on my sock.

There's lots of drafts
here in the basement.

You could have taken a day off
to insulate this. It's about time.

What if I'd caught a cold?

I could've sneezed,
and with a sock in my mouth,

my head might've blown up.

Could you loosen up the rope a little?
My hand's getting numb.

Did you hear about the man
whose hand was numb,

and then he went to the doctor
who wanted to amputate his whole hand?

Numb hands are dangerous.

Then he went to see another doctor
who sorted it out with some ointment...

He got lucky.

How will we drive to my place?

Don't worry about that.

Come on, let's go.

Damn it...

So here I am in captivity
and you have a full house upstairs?

You be quiet.

Not a sound.

Or I'll kill anyone who's upstairs,
you hear me?

Who's there?

I've got a gun.

Bussaco?

What happened? Where's Aires?

He's inside this bag.

Directed by
BUSSACO MAN

But how did you know Aires
was the Bad Guy? I missed that bit.

I didn't. It was pure luck.

- Just luck?
- Yes.

These crimes are always committed
by close ones.

So I went on trying.

I kind of dig that movie...

But it would be nice if I was in it.

But you are.

Before I put Aires in a bag,
I put you two in a bag.

Bussaco? How's it going?

So you were going to use the same actor?
To play both me and Renato?

What do you mean, the same?
Yours was wearing a cap!

Next time I'll keep you out!

Isn't that actor too young to play me?

How should I know how old you are?

Seems fine to me.

I like that idea.

But I worry that it might inspire some
crazy people to really kidnap my brother.

Then your brother isn't kidnapped
in the movie.

Your nephew gets kidnapped.

The vegetarian one.

Right...

If they kidnap him for real,
I won't be that sorry.

Wait...
That movie's not very biographical.

It is a bit.

And those biopic movies
are always really boring.

- Better to make it an action movie.
- Bust might have a point, Bussaco.

The producer guy will reject this.

But I used real people. Isn't that enough?

Hasn't your brother ever gone missing?

Like what?

Like us having to go around
looking for him?

- No.
- Then I don't know...

Once a man called looking for him.

I mean, looking for me because of him.

Then that works.

It was about an online order.

It was for him, but he gave my address.
I don't know why.

It still works.

We can pretend
it was a mysterious package.

Or that you were suspicious...

Yeah, that'll do.

You started imagining things.
Because of the trauma.

Trauma is biographical.

Listen to this idea.

I wanted to play foosball.

I put a coin in...

That's the guy from the movie company.

Which idea do I tell him?

Hello?

BRUNO ALEIXO'S MOVIE

Scriptwriters and Directors

First Assistant Director
Editing and Animation

Image
Sound

Art Director
Decorator and Costume Designer

Producers

Translated and subtitled by
Rita Matos