Bros (2022) - full transcript

Hey, everyone,
it's Bobby Leiber,

and welcome to
your favorite podcast,

The 11th Brick at Stonewall.

Because we all know
a butch lesbian

or a trans woman of color

probably threw the first brick
at Stonewall,

but it was a cis, white, gay
man who threw the 11th brick.

And today, as always,
I will take you on a journey

throughout LGBTQ+ history
and, much more importantly,

my own problems and whatever
I feel like talking about.

And this is a big day,
because, as of today,



The 11th Brick is celebrating
one million subscribers.

And in honor of
all this exciting news,

I am taking your questions live.

- First question.
- Hi, Bobby.

Any chance for
more children's books?

Oh, not at the moment,
but thank you.

As some of you know, I wrote
a series of children's books

to help parents teach kids
about gay history,

which no one bought.

Turns out a four-year-old
didn't want to hear

a bedtime story about
Martina Navratilova.

Hey, parents, thanks for
teaching your kids about

Santa Claus, a straight man
that doesn't exist,

and not Martina Navratilova,
a lesbian who does.



In other news, I finally got
the footage from my audition

to be part of the next cast
of Queer Eye,

and you can watch that
on the app right now.

-Oh, no.
-Oh, my...

I'm sorry. This is not sad.

It's just not sad.

You gave him a haircut
and a pair of pants.

I mean, he looks fine.

-Not great.
-Next caller.

What ever happened
to that movie you wrote?

Oh, yeah. The movie.

These big movie producers
came to me and said,

"We want you to write a rom-com
about a gay couple.

"Something the whole world
would enjoy.

"Something that a straight guy
might even like

and watch with his girlfriend."
I said,

"Something a straight guy
might like? Like what exactly?

"Am I gonna be in the middle
of some high-speed chase,

"and then all of a sudden
fall in love with Ice Cube?

"Am I gonna get butt-fucked
by Jason Momoa

while we're both, I don't know,
worrying about a volcano?"

And he said, "Bobby,
we just want to make a movie

"that shows the world
gay and straight relationships

"are the same.

Love is love is love."

I said, "Love is love is love?

"No, it's not. That's bullshit.

"That is a lie we had to
make up to convince you idiots

"to finally treat us fairly.

"Love is not love.

"Our relationships
are different.

Our sex lives are different."

And he said, "Bobby,
we were just trying to make

a nice movie
about nice gay people."

And I said, "Well,
there's your first mistake,

because not all gay people
are nice."

And I got up and left.

Anyway, it's totally fine.

I'm not the right person
to write a rom-com anyway.

Why not?

Um, I don't know.

I mean, I'm 40 years old.
I've never been in love.

I've never even had a serious
relationship, which is fine.

You know, I love my life.
I love my freedom.

I love my independence,
but, you know,

probably means
I'm not the right person

to write a love story.

In exciting news,
I remain very horny,

and tonight I am being honored
at the LGBTQ+ Pride Awards.

Being in the NFL, I never
thought I could come out.

For years, I had to suffer
as a hot, ripped, gay person,

living my life in private.

But this last year
has really shown me

how amazing life can be when
you are finally publicly hot.

Thank you.

And now, please welcome

Emmy and Tony Award winner
Kristin Chenoweth.

Good evening.

What an honor for me
to be here tonight.

On my head is a hat
depicting the Stonewall riots,

where the queer liberation
movement began.

And now, the award for cis,
white, gay man of the year.

Please welcome Bobby Leiber.

Thank you.

Oh, my goodness.

Thank you, New York! Thank you!

Thank you.

Meet Khnumhotep and Niankhkhnum,

the Bert and Ernie
of Ancient Egypt.

Many scholars believe
that they are

the first recorded
same-sex couple in history.

Yet to this day,
there are historians

who refuse to believe
that these men were lovers

and insist that
they were brothers instead.

Thus began 5,000 years
of queer love stories

erased from the history books.

No gay love stories
to teach us about love

and how to love each other.

Well, I'm happy to say
this erasure ends today.

And I am thrilled to announce
I have accepted a position

as the executive director
of the first

national LGBTQ+ history museum,

right here in New York City!

Thank you, New York!

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, what's up?

Looking? Into?

Bottom here.

Versatile.

Sure you are.

-Hey, what's up?
-Hey, what's up?

Thank you.

You want to finish?

Uh, I think I'm good, actually.

-Okay, I'll get you
something for that. -Yeah.

Thanks.

♪ It's very clear ♪

♪ Our love is here to stay... ♪

For me, the cold and awkward

Grindr hookup
is often followed by

a walk around the city
by myself.

Anyone else do that?

It's weird,
because you still had,

like, this romantic encounter.

Even though it was odd
or unsatisfying

and you don't even know
the person,

you're still feeling
this kind of

post-sex warmth and wistfulness.

So I usually
walk around for a bit

and I kind of coast
on that warm feeling

as long as it lasts.

And between the weird sex with
strangers that you don't like

and conversations
with friends you love

that you would never
have sex with, you know,

you cobble together a version
of a romantic single life.

And it's good, you know?

It works.

It's a lot more than

what a lot of other people
have in this world.

And you try to remember that.

♪ Going a long, long way... ♪

As always, this podcast is

brought to you by Career Donkey.

Hi, hi. I'm sorry.

I-I know. I'm sorry.

All right, what's going on?
What did I miss?

How are you guys, Lucas?

Uh, well, our surrogate

just hit three months, and,
not only that, but we are...

-Having triplets!
-Trip...

-Oh, my God, congratulations!
-That's amazing. Yeah!

I'm sorry, you guys.
I have to go.

A late shift at the bar.

But it was great
meeting you guys.

- Nice to meet you.
- And congratulations, boys.

- Thank you.
- Bye, Marty.

-See you later. Text us.
-Bye, y'all.

Wait, so what's happening?

Didn't you guys have
an announcement?

Okay, uh, so, I totally know
this is a little weird

and unexpected,
but the reason we've been

hanging around with Marty
so much is that

we are kind of dating him.

-Oh.
-Okay.

Wait a second.

Wait, wait, wait.

What do you mean
you're dating him?

I mean, together,
like, as a couple.

We're seeing him.

I guess it's kind of like
a throuple situation.

Hold on.

So, wait, what does
that mean exactly?

Like, are you guys just having
threesomes or something?

Well, we hooked up,
but then we started spending

a bunch of time together after.

It turns out
we have a lot in common.

It's more than just sex.
We genuinely like each other.

--Wait, wait. So, how
long has this been going on?

-Six months?
-Oh.

Six mon-- You're in a throuple
for six months

and you didn't tell me?

We didn't know
it'd get that serious.

How serious is it gonna get?
You're in a throuple.

What are you gonna do next,
tell your grandparents?

Hi, Grandma.

Oh, hi, honey.

-I have some news.
-Yes?

Peter and I are jointly fucking
a third person!

Oh, my goodness!

It's Paul.

He and Peter are
jointly fucking someone else!

Oh, how wonderful.
It's a throuple.

Oh.

We'll be fine.

We really trust each other
enough to do this.

Just be careful.

I know a lot of guys
who've done this,

and it's a slippery slope.

These things are fragile,
and, you know, we're men.

Okay? Men dating men.
Love is not love.

We are horny and selfish
and stupid. I am, too.

Yeah, someone called into my
show the other day and asked me

why I'm still single.
I said, "You want to know why?

"Because I've been gay
my whole life,

and I don't trust
these gay motherfuckers."

I support them,
but I don't trust them.

-And are you happy?
-Who's so happy all the time?

Uh, a lot of people.

Well, I really don't trust
those people.

Mr. Leiber?

Sorry. I love your podcast.

-Can I, can I get a selfie?
-Oh, sure.

Thank you.

-Mm-hmm.
- Shit.

I told Henry I'd meet him
at this launch party.

Ugh, I wanted to go home
and change first.

Aren't you guys just gonna take
your shirts off anyway?

No, we're not just gonna
take our shirts off.

It's not 2003.

You have a very clichéd view
of what gay men do at a party.

♪ We all move together... ♪

What app is this for again?

It's this new hookup app
my company is launching.

We've got Grindr.
We've got Tinder.

This is Zellweger.

It's for gay guys who just want
to talk about actresses

-then go to bed.
-Oh, I'd use that.

Bobby, I had sex
with a 65-year-old.

Sixty-five?

He didn't have an age
on his profile.

He was really nice,
he had an amazing body,

but he had this, like,
big, white beard.

I felt like Mrs. Claus.

I kind of love that.

There's that guy Aaron.

♪ Together, together, together ♪

♪ We all move together ♪

♪ Together, together ♪

♪ We all move... ♪

Oh, yeah, I don't know
who that is.

He's at the gym sometimes.

Very hot. Very boring.

-Oh, what else is new?
-Oh.

Also, today I had sex
with a guy who peed on me.

Oh, are you into that?

Not really,
but what else was I doing?

Fair enough.

It was honestly kind of boring.

Hey, what's up?

Hey.

-Well, hello, Aaron.
-Hey.

This is Bobby.

Do you boys need another drink?

-I'm getting a shitrocket.
-What the hell's a shitrocket?

It's like a Red Bull
but with protein.

Oh.

Shitrocket and vodka, I guess.

Move, boys. Daddy needs a drink.

Thank you.

You look angry.

Me?

Well, I'm not.

That's just the way I look.

I know. People always come up
to me and tell me that,

but I'm not.

I'm not angry.

I listen to your podcast.

Oh, really?

Oh, that's cool.

I hear you're boring.

Who said that? I'm not boring.

I don't know.

A lot of people.

Cool.

I'm sorry. That was mean.

I'm very bad at flirting.

And I'm also the type of person
who tells you I'm flirting,

which is so sexy.

It's okay.

What do you do?

Uh, for work?

I do probate law.
I'm an estate planner.

Basically, I write
people's wills.

-Do you like it?
-Oh, sure.

When I was a kid,
first thing I would think

when I would meet someone is,
"Who's that person

gonna leave their shit to
when they die?"

I really wanted to be part of
the legal logistics of that.

That's funny.

That guy's hot, right?

Oh, yeah. He is.

I'm supposed to fuck him
and his husband later.

Cool.

Very good.

-Oh, I love this song.
-What is this?

Old-school Mariah.

How do you not know this?

I'm more of a country guy.

You know, like Garth Brooks.

Garth Brooks?

Who are you?

♪ I don't wanna let go
and although I should ♪

♪ I can't leave you alone
'cause... ♪

Actually, Carrie Underwood
blocked me on Twitter...

♪ And I cannot resist... ♪

What the fuck?

-Where the fuck did he go?
-I don't know.

This is why I hate these people.

Oh, my God.
That's the 65-year-old.

Jesus, he's ripped.

I know. It's like they injected
steroids into Dumbledore.

Hey, what's up?

-Thanks.
-Hey.

Where'd you go?

I don't know. Nowhere.

Yas, live your lives, queens!

Okurrr.

Gay guys are so stupid.

Oh, my God, I know.

Gay guys are usually, like,
the absolute smartest

or, like, the dumbest people
I've ever met.

We've been smart enough
to brand ourselves

as being smart and clever.

I've hooked up with guys,

and afterwards I'll make a joke

or I'll say something sarcastic.

And the guy does not understand
that I'm making a joke.

Literally does not
understand satire.

I know.

And straight people think
we're all smart,

-but a lot of these guys
are dumb as shit. -Yes.

It's our little secret.

Actually...

Are you fucking kidding me?

-Hey.
-Hey, what were you talking

to Aaron about for so long?

Just about how a lot of gay guys

are secretly incredibly stupid.

-Oh, how fabulous.
-I don't understand.

We're having a good time,
and then he ghosts me.

He just fucking disappears.

Bobby, don't. Let it go.
He's a dick.

No, I am not letting it go.
I do not let things go.

-Why aren't you dancing?
-I am dancing, okay?

What do you want me to do,
the fucking Nutcracker Suite?

Hey.

Hey, what's up?

I tried to kiss you

and you didn't kiss me back
is what's up.

I'm sorry. I'm shy.

Please. What are you into?

One of these boring,
ripped idiots with no opinions?

No, I'd like someone
who's physically very frail

and won't stop talking.

Come home with me.

I can't.

Why?

'Cause you have to fuck
the fake baseball player

and his husband?

I don't know what to tell you.

-Goodbye.
-Hey, wait, wait.

-Take my number.
-Absolutely not.

Why?

'Cause I'm one of
the smart ones, asshole.

Oh, are you
emotionally unavailable?

No one's more emotionally
unavailable than me.

No one. I pride myself on that.

Anyway, it doesn't matter.

Henry has my number.

See you on Grindr or Zellweger

or whatever the fuck
the next one is.

I'm not on any of those.

Then how do you meet people?

I'm not really looking.

Yeah.

Me neither.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Oh, my God,
they cannot stop voguing.

They cannot stop voguing!

Excuse me.

I know you're voguing, but
can I please go home? Please?!

I had a gut feeling

you would be online now.

Hi.

Hey, what's up?

Not much. You?

No.

But us texting
each other anonymously.

I never realized
how much Grindr was

just like You've Got Mail.
Smiley face.

Ha ha. LOL. Dick pic?

No dick pic. Sorry.

Think about You've Got Mail.

Meg Ryan would never send you
a picture of her genitalia.

Ha ha.
LOLOL. Can I see your ass?

Don't have ass pic. Sorry.

Need to see ass pic, though.

Don't have ass pic!

Not gonna meet up

unless you send ass pic.

Must see pic of ass!

Ow!

Fuck!

I'm bleeding!

How am I gonna shit now?

I can't fuck. I can't shit.

I'm not a person, goddamn it!

It's too fucking flat.

Took this just for you, bro.

Did he block me?

Motherfucker!

Hallheart proudly presents

our first bisexual holiday film,

the award-winning
Christmas with Either.

Hallheart.
Always on the cutting edge...

of Christmas.

People. Okay.

Okay, people!

People, please!
It's getting late.

We still need to find
a donor to fund

the exhibit in the final wing.

As you know, Pier 1 Imports
was supposed to make

a big donation,
but they went bankrupt

and have been
bought by the Taliban.

Taliban.

So, we are short $5 million.

We cannot afford
to push our opening again.

People will think
we're in trouble.

Maybe this whole place
could fall apart.

We need new ideas for
what goes in the final wing,

and we need them now.

-Cherry, go.
-You know the blue whale

hanging in
the Museum of Natural History?

-Yes.
-What about that,

but instead of the blue whale,
it's a lesbian?

- Oh, no. Uh-uh.
- Yeah, okay.

-Well, yeah, we can't do that.
-No.

What about a transgender woman
from an Indigenous nation?

Goddamn it, Wanda!

What about the 400 lesbians

who fought in the Civil War?

Shut up, Cherry.
They were not all lesbians.

Some of them were trans men.

Okay, stop.
This building is a rare chance

to legitimize
the history of bisexuals.

Oh, God. Here we go.

Yes! We say "LGBTQ,"

but we always skip over the "B."

I want a hall of bisexuals,

like Disney's
Hall of Presidents.

I want a stage full of
animatronic, talking bisexuals.

Talking and moving
and gesturing bisexuals.

You know what?

This happens to be
Bisexual Awareness Week,

and no one has acknowledged it!

-I acknowledged.
-That is true. My bad.

Lesbian History Month
was in March.

Nobody said a goddamn thing!

It's June!

It was in March!

Of course lesbians get a month
and we get a week.

-Robert.
-What?

I want you to know
that I hear you.

I see you,
and I'm holding space for you.

There she go. There she go.

She never has
any ideas of her own,

but she's always
"holding space."

A lesbian wrote
"America the Beautiful."

-God, no. I can't.
-Katharine Lee Bates

wrote the lyrics on a napkin.

If you go to her house in
Virginia, they have the napkin!

What if the final exhibit was

a recreation of a queer wedding?

-I like that.
-Okay, that I don't hate.

Tamara, that is so sweet.

I love that. And people can

come and register
for wedding gifts here.

I'm gonna write that down.

Oh, my God, and-- No!

That is old-fashioned,

heteronormative nonsense.

We need to get people
to rethink history

through a queer prism,
not comfort them

with another
fucking gay wedding, all right?

It's a museum.
It's not Schitt's Creek.

-Ooh, I like Schitt's Creek.
-But I--

Oh, I love Schitt's Creek.

- That show has layers.
- All right.

Everyone loves Schitt's Creek.
Great. Okay.

That's who you remind me of.
Eugene Levy.

Yes.

Okay, Mr. Funk.

How can I help you today?

I need to adjust my will.

Okay. Can I ask you why?

Because I'm dying.

I have cancer.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

I just need to figure out
where my money's going.

Okay, uh, do you have
a partner or spouse?

No and no.

-Children?
-No.

-Family member?
-No.

-Close friend?
-Not anymore.

Okay, um...

well, uh, sometimes it helps
to close your eyes

and think about who means
the most to you in the world.

Uh, who is it?

Cher.

Okay, so you want
to leave $100,000...

to Cher?

Do you really think
that she needs that?

She has a huge staff.

Uh, okay.

Mr. Shepard, uh--
Sorry to interrupt.

Mrs. Bailey passed away.

Oh, God, this is so depressing.

I'm so sorry.

I can only imagine
what you're going through.

No, I mean your job.

What a downer.

It's Aaron. How's Grindr?

A dream. I spent 45 minutes

taking a picture of my own ass.

How are you?

How was group sex
with that faux Chicago Cub?

It was fun.
They invited me back tomorrow.

Their surrogate is pregnant,

and they're having
a gender reveal orgy.

A gender reveal orgy?

James Baldwin would be so proud.

LOL. I woke up laughing about

you so rudely calling me out
on my shit.

Well, you deserved it, bitch.

Honestly, I was impressed.

You may be more emotionally
unavailable than I am.

Well, maybe we can be

emotionally unavailable
together.

"Maybe we can be

emotionally unavailable
together"?

Who's writing your texts?
Maroon 5?

- Fuck off.
- Kidding!

We can go out.
Are you asking me out?

- I'm down for whatever.
- Yeah, same.

-Cool.
-Sounds good.

So, tomorrow?
Or we can do whatever.

Yeah, I can do
whenever, and I can do whatever.

-I don't care
what we do. -Yeah, me neither.

We can do whatever,
and we can do it whenever.

-Does that work for you?
-Yeah, that definitely works.

Great. Whatever, whenever.

Cool. Whatever, whenever.

GIF of Michael Scott dancing.

He's good.

Office GIF?

This person isn't gay.

Heart. Ugh, no.

Un-heart. Thumbs up.

- Peace.
- Peace?

Later.

Can you heart my "later," bitch?

Bye.

You're from here, right?

Your parents still live
in the city?

No. My parents
both passed away actually.

-Oh, I'm sorry.
-Oh, yeah. Thanks.

It wasn't recent.

My mom died
when I was in college,

and my dad died
like ten years ago.

A bee! A bee! A bee!

-A bee! A bee! A bee!
-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Stop swatting.
You're gonna kill it.

Well, that's what
I'm trying to do.

It's on my neck.

The bees are dying.
Don't you read?

Yes, about gay stuff and movies.

-Can you, like, do something?
-Yes.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Here it is.

-You're touching the bee!
-I know.

Okay.

Wow. Thank you.

You're like
a grown-up gay Boy Scout,

and I'm like whatever ends up
happening to Evan Hansen.

Let me see what's playing.

What's your favorite movie
of all time?

What's my favorite movie
of all time?

I don't know.

Why? What's your favorite movie?

The Hangover.

The Hangover is your favorite
movie of all time?

How many movies have you seen?
One?

-It's a funny movie.
-Yeah, kinda.

And you remember one of
the first lines of that movie?

"Paging Dr. Faggot."

-Remember that?
-Yes.

"Paging Dr. Faggot"
is one of the first lines

of the highest-grossing comedy
of 2009,

and-and no one talks about it.

Right?
And it wasn't that long ago.

You know, we're just supposed
to, like, laugh it off.

It doesn't bother me.
I'm not sensitive like that.

I think you just like
getting angry at things.

Getting angry at things
is, like, your brand.

What?! No, it's not! Fuck you!

Getting angry at things
is my brand?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You just don't like
to complain about it

because that means
your feelings were hurt,

and that means
admitting you're weak.

And that's too vulnerable.

And as much as
we go around saying

men should be vulnerable,
you and I both know

that is such bullshit.

Because for
a lot of these gay guys,

sweetness and vulnerability
are wonderful and lovely,

but they can also be
a real boner killer.

You're very intense.

Yes.

-I was kidding, by the way.
-About what?

The Hangover.
It's not my favorite movie.

-No, you weren't.
-Yeah, I was.

I just like seeing you
get riled up.

-I don't believe you.
-I was kidding.

Hmm.

I don't like this.

Okay.
Let's see what we have here.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, The Treasure Inside

is supposed to be
really good, actually.

What's that about?

It's about
two closeted gay frontiersmen

in the California Gold Rush
of 1849.

But really it's about two
straight actors playing gay,

trying to win an Oscar.

I never tire of watching
two very straight actors

really transform themselves
into being sad and gay.

Gay actors playing gay--
that's not even acting.

Oh, I totally agree.

If they ever make a movie
about my life,

they better hire
a straight actor.

I like to think of
my life story as

just another way for Benedict
Cumberbatch to really score.

Okay, if we don't see this
movie, what are we gonna do?

Well, I didn't say
I didn't want to see the movie.

-Oh.
-I'll see the fucking movie.

I'm dying to.

I'd put it way above
Call Me by Your Name

but sort of below Dallas Buyers.

Well, it got me in the end.

Yeah, but why does it always
have to be so tragic?

I don't know.
Philadelphia, Milk, Brokeback.

Happy endings don't win Oscars.

Straight people love
seeing us miserable.

- Mm.
- Wait, Aaron Shepard?

Josh Evans?

-Holy shit! What is up, dude?
-Hey, man. Bro!

-Nice to see you.
-It's been for-fucking-ever.

Aaron and I-- we played hockey
in high school.

This is my fiancée Samantha.

- Hey. Nice to meet you.
- Hey.

Uh, this is, uh, Bobby.

- Hey.
- Hey.

We just saw The Treasure Inside.

It's about
closeted gay frontiersmen.

Oh. Okay. Nice.

It's just,
like, some dumb movie.

Oh, wait. I want to see that.

Gay guys are my jam.

Hmm.

So what are you guys doing here?

Just a little trip.

It's her first time
in New York City.

This city is sick.

-It really is.
-Yeah.

Well... awesome.

-Yeah.
-Uh, nice to meet you, Bob.

Nice to meet you guys.

That is crazy.

I never run into anybody
from my hometown.

Oh, yeah, bro. Totally, bro.

Just some dumb movie, bro.

I had the biggest crush on him
in high school.

Yep. That tracks.

Well, like the bearded lady
in The Greatest Showman,

this is me.

Oh.

The faux Chicago Cub?

Yeah. His husband
just sent me that.

Wow. They are extremely hot.

Yeah, Mike and Doug-- they're
these roided-out meatheads.

They're not the brightest,
but they're really sweet.

Do you want to go over there?

Wait. Are you ditching me again

to go fuck the baseball
cosplayer and his husband?

No, I'm not ditching you.
I'm inviting you.

Why don't you
just come upstairs?

Ah, I don't really do the whole
relationship thing very well.

Relationship?

When did I say I wanted to be
in a relationship with you?

We literally hung out one day.

Yeah, but if I go upstairs,

it becomes, like,
a whole thing and...

Whatever.
We should just go over there.

It'll be fun.

I'm not gonna go,
but you should go.

Can I ask you one thing, though?

Why did you text me
if you didn't want to hook up?

I'm not angry.
I'm just honestly curious.

I didn't say
I didn't want to-- I...

I guess I had fun
talking to you at the club,

and I wanted to say,
"Hey, what's up?"

"Hey, what's up?"

So, basically you texted me
when you were feeling hungover

and lonely in that moment,
but you're not actually into me,

but you went on the date anyway.

Why are gay guys so weird?

Actually, you know,
we're not weird.

We're just constantly catering
to our own whims and needs,

which can change on a dime,
but we never even think about

the emotional consequences
of the other person.

Anyway, it's been a blast
catering to your whims.

And, honestly, I can't
really say anything about it

because I do the same thing
to people all the time, so...

-Fun day. And, um...
-Fun day.

-Yeah.
-Have fun with those guys.

Okay. Bye.

Bobby, wait.

♪ When you're dreaming
with a broken heart... ♪

I had a really nice time today.

Me, too.

I never go on dates,
but that was really fun.

Yeah.
I had a really good time, too.

Hey, I'm gonna go.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Is everything okay?
Is this weird?

Oh, no, no, no.
No, it's fun. It's great.

I just-- I'm just gonna go.

-Okay.
-Okay. I'll see you.

-Okay. Bye.
-Okay.

Bye.

Hey, guys, I'm gonna go.
Thank you so much.

-No. You're leaving?
-Yeah, I got to go.

All right, man.
It was nice meeting you.

-Yeah, you, too. It was lovely.
-Yeah.

-Thank you.
-All right. Good night.

Okay. Okay.

Thanks for coming.
We're convinced Brian's gay,

and I think it's good for him
to have his gay uncle around.

Oh, my God. Of course.

I'm always here to be a good
"guncle" to my "g-nephew."

-Aw. -Uncle Bobby,
will you read my report?

It's about Freddie Mercury.

He's obsessed with
Bohemian Rhapsody.

Oh, my God, I love this.

And like that movie,
does your report take a story

about one of the great
gay icons and make it about

that one time
he maybe had sex with a woman?

I thought Freddie Mercury
was bi.

He had a wife.

Yeah, well, so did Jesus,
and he was gay.

This is excellent
and an improvement on the film.

Good job!

What are those GIFs
from The Hangover?

Nothing.

This guy I went out with
won't stop texting me.

A guy? Really?

-Like a Grindr guy?
-No, shockingly.

I actually met this one
in real life.

Bobby!

That's fantastic!

You think you're gonna
see him again?

No. He told me
he prefers group sex

to one-on-one because
one-on-one is too intense

and makes it a whole thing.

We went on one date, and
we had sex with three people.

Gay relationships these days
are like a clown car.

Oh, there's another one.
Oh, look, another one.

Oh, another one?
It's ridiculous.

Plus, I don't think
I'm his type.

-How do you know?
-Because I know.

He told me
he likes country music

and his favorite singer
is Garth Brooks.

What kind of gay man says

his favorite singer
is Garth Brooks?

That scares me.

Plus, I see the guys he likes.

They all look exactly like him.

They're all these, like, big,
hot, straight-acting dudes.

It's just not me.

Well, is he a top or bottom?

What does that
have to do with anything?

Maybe you're both bottoms,
and that's the problem.

I'm not always
the bottom, Edgar.

Bottom dance!

- Ooh, bottom dance!
- Yeah!

Oh, my God.

Gay sex was more fun

when straight people
were uncomfortable with it.

Fucking Schitt's Creek.

Maybe we should
stop talking about

anal sex
in front of your children.

-Nah. -Oh, please.
It's a natural part of life.

Bobby, ask him out again.
You never like anyone.

He is so handsome.

-So are you.
-Y-You're a hottie.

He is, like, on another level.
He's like gay Tom Brady.

When I'm with him,
I feel like friggin' Elphaba.

I bet he's as intimidated
by you as you are by him.

-Oh, yeah.
-I'm telling you.

He's just scared
of being vulnerable.

Gay guys from your generation

still have all these
pent-up masculinity issues,

and you all just need
to get over it already.

Half the kids in Brian's class
are nonbinary.

Well, it's not fair, Tina.

We had AIDS, and they had Glee.

But there is a work thing

I was thinking of
maybe inviting him to.

- Maybe.
- What, a work thing?

With lots of celebrities
and fancy people?

Now, are you gonna peacock
to impress him?

No. It's just a big fundraiser

for the museum,
and I need to bring someone.

Are you gonna be onstage?

No, I am not going to be
onstage, okay?

I am not some sort of
narcissistic sociopath.

Thank you, Doja Cat.

Everyone, there are
rock paintings in Zimbabwe

which depict homosexuality

that date back to the year
2000 BCE.

If only the men
on those paintings

had lived another 4,000 years
to see a character come out

on It's Always Sunny
in Philadelphia.

Who did your chin?

Oh, no. It's real.

Yeah.

Mine, too.

Please continue to
give generously so the museum

can tell all the stories
in between

that have never been told.

Thank you very much. Good night.

Hey, I'm so sorry
I left you alone.

-Things got a little crazy.
-No.

Hey, dude, you-you were,
you were awesome.

I mean, I could never do that,

-speaking in front of a bunch
of people like that. -Oh.

You move in
some pretty fancy circles.

I had no idea.

Oh, trust me,
it's not always this glamorous.

-Bobby, that was amazing,
as always. -Oh.

-Thank you, Charles.
-Congrats on everything.

Thank you so much.
Thank you for coming.

Thank you.

Great speech, Bobby.

Thank you so much.

Hey, do you want to see
the museum?

-I can give you a private tour.
-Oh, sure.

I-I don't want to drag you
away from all this, though.

Oh, no, it's fine.

- Here. That way.
- Okay.

This is The Legends Pavilion.

Unsung heroes
from LGBTQ+ history.

Marsha P. Johnson
and Sylvia Rivera.

Usually, Stonewall
is the only thing

straight people know
about queer history.

Truthfully, no one really knows

who threw the first bricks
at Stonewall.

But it was trans women of color
like Marsha and Sylvia

who drove the earliest days of
the queer liberation movement.

So what do you think?

It's pretty incredible, right?

Yeah. I mean, it's-it's-it's
really impressive.

But?

But it's kind of depressing.

It's depressing?
It made you depressed?

It's AIDS and Nazis
and homophobia.

All of it's just--
it's kind of a downer.

Okay.
Well, what were you expecting?

A Night at the Museum?

Honestly, my family
loves that movie.

Oh, okay.

Oh, what if you did
something like that?

Where-where the things,
they come alive,

and they, like, talk at you.

"Where the things come alive,
and they talk at you"?

-Yeah.
-Like what exactly? Oh, oh.

What if we had, like,

-a bust of Eleanor Roosevelt,
right? -Yeah.

And you get really close,
and then all of a sudden,

you realize
that's not Eleanor Roosevelt.

It's Amy Schumer.

-Oh.
-No!

It's a museum.
It's not supposed to be fun.

Bobby.

We've got Debra Messing's
agent on a Zoom.

It's urgent.

Debra's worried that she's
on the verge of being canceled.

She said in an interview
that she was

the Viola Davis of Tufts,
and people are mad.

Her agent is saying

that she may give a very big
donation to the museum

to save face.

Who's Debra Messing?

From Will & Grace. Oh, my God.

- Yes.
- Okay, wait. This is amazing.

-Yes. -Stay right here.
I'll be back in five minutes.

-Sure. Yep.
-Let's go. -Okay.

Aaron?

Aaron?

What the fuck?

-Say hi to your brother.
-Sup? -Sup?

Jason's staying here

while he figures out
where to live.

Never get divorced, Aaron.

- Never get married.
- Okay, Mom.

I'm sorry. I'm at work, so
I-I should probably get going.

Oh,
I almost forgot to tell you.

Do you remember Josh Evans?

Yeah, Josh Evans
from high school.

I actually ran into him
and his fiancée

on the street the other day.

Well, they just broke up.
And you want to know why?

Because he's gay.

Josh Ev-- No.

I'm definitely embarrassed

about how long
this has taken me,

but I'm told people do this
in their own time.

I've been empowered by my hero,
Colton Underwood,

to say that, as it turns out,
I'm gay.

And like this post
if you like that I'm gay.

Peace.

Holy shit.

So we started going
back and forth for a while,

and then at the end,
I was just like,

"Why don't you call the album
Lemonade?"

Bobby?

When you're ready.

-What?
-When you're ready.

Sorry.

Okay. People wonder

if America is ready
for its first gay president.

I say we already had one.

For the final wing,
please consider

The Lincoln Letters:
A Gay American Love Story.

For years, historians have

speculated about
Lincoln's sexuality.

He shared a bed and
exchanged intimate letters with

multiple men over the years,
including Joshua Speed

-and David Derrickson. Speed...
-Okay, I'm stopping you.

Bobby, it won't work.
You can't say Lincoln was gay.

-Why?
-There's no way to confirm

those were sexual relationships.

There's no evidence of love.

Well, of course there's
no evidence of love, Robert.

We weren't allowed to exist.

How would we have
enough evidence?

Okay, Lincoln was married to
a woman and had four children.

He was not gay, Bobby.

He might have been bi.

I am telling you!

We have let the world
erase gay love stories

since the beginning of time.

This is our chance
to reject the shame

and restore the truth.

And if we don't do this,
we're letting them win.

We're letting the
heterosexual terrorists win.

The heterosexual terrorists?

-That's right.
-There are also gay terrorists.

And there are
bi terrorists, okay?

There are
many bisexual terrorists.

Okay, there are
trans terrorists, too.

Caitlyn Jenner.

Enough, people.
Let's vote on it.

Okay.

Looks like we have two votes

for The Great Bisexuals
of the World.

Thank you, someone.

And three votes
for The Lincoln Letters.

-Lincoln wins.
-Yes!

Thank you! Thank you.

Debra Messing is
in the building.

Yes! My girl.

Are you okay?

-Yeah.
-Debra Messing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm fine.

Okay. Wish me luck.

-Miss Messing.
-Oh, please call me Debra.

-Oh.
-Oh.

I love this space.

How did you find it?

Oh, God. How did we find it?

Um, I don't know. I'm sorry.

Are you okay, dear?
You seem a little flustered.

Trust me.

I know I'm Debra Messing,
but I'm only human.

Right.

Um, no, I'm fine.

It's a-- I'm so sorry.
It's boy problems.

It's nothing. It's stupid.

-Oh.
-Yeah.

He was actually here last night.

He came to
the fundraiser with me,

and then out of nowhere,
he left, you know.

And I keep texting him,
and he doesn't text me back.

I don't know. It doesn't matter.

-How are you?
-I am so excited for this tour.

Can I just ask you
really quickly?

Because I actually think

you're, like,
the perfect person to ask.

What is going on?

You know, like,
is he not interested in me

or did something really come up?

And why am I
thinking about it so much?

That's what's so annoying.

You know, because I'm never
distracted like this, okay?

This is not who I am.

And it's like, what do I do now?

Do I text him again?
Do I call him?

Do I go to his house, you know?

What do I do, Debra?

You know, for the last 25 years,

I have been listening
to every gay man on earth

complain to me.

I am not my character.

I am not every gay man's
best friend.

I am simply out in the world,

thinking that I'm gonna get
a tour of a museum, but no. No!

Did I waltz in here
and lay all my shit on you?

-Answer me! Answer me!
-I'm just-- I...

Shut up!

I am a divorced single mother.

You want to hear
what that's like?

I'm so sorry about this.
I'm terribly embarrassed.

Please let me,
let me start again. I...

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wh-What's going on in here?

Do you have some personal shit

you want to complain
to me about?

-No.
-Of course not.

Because lesbians
have their shit together.

I got to go.
I lose my sitter in an hour.

Miss Messing, please come back.
I'm so sorry.

I am not Grace!

It is a character.

I won an Emmy for it.

I even beat
Sarah Jessica Parker.

People forget!

I'm shaving my head.

What the fuck
is this doing here?

Bobby!
What is going on with you?

Debra Messing
just told you to fuck off.

The door's fucking locked.

-Oh, please let me help you.
-No. I want her.

♪ Don't call him ♪

♪ Don't call him,
don't call him ♪

♪ Do not call him ♪

♪ Just watch Ozark ♪

♪ Ozark,
like a normal person. ♪

Hey, it's me.

Um, call me when you're around.

Okay, bye.

Hey, what's up?

What's up?

Sorry I haven't replied.

I've just been busy.

No worries. Same.

You want to hang out
this weekend?

Hey, Bobby.
I have to be honest.

I really like
hanging out with you.

You're so smart and funny,

but I'm not sure
I'm the right match for you.

I'm not sure I'm at your level.

Maybe your friends were right
when they said I was boring.

Good luck with everything.

Oh, come on.

Sure.

Why are you sitting on the grass

and not this gigantic blanket?

I like grass.

Mm. Cool. Cool.

So what's up?

-What's been going on?
-Oh, wait.

Crazy story.

Remember that guy I ran into,

that old buddy from high school?

-Yeah.
-Yeah. He just came out.

What?

Broke up with his fiancée.
I had no idea.

-Wow.
-Crazy.

-Good for him.
-Yeah.

That's cool.

Very cool.

Okay, I'm sorry.
What is going on?

-What do you mean?
-The other night.

Leaving me at the museum
like that.

And then you didn't return
any of my texts.

Well, you texted me
like 15 times.

It was a little scary.

Okay, I need you
to be honest with me.

You're not attracted
to me, right?

It's okay. I can handle it.

I won't be insulted.

I just need to know.

Just be honest with me
so I don't waste my time.

-I'm not your type, right?
-Bobby, it's not that.

-You are a very attractive guy.
-Okay. Well, thanks.

So why are you being so weird
and passive-aggressive?

Look, you're being
very loud, actually.

-You like dumb guys.
-What?

Yeah, you heard me.
I see what you like.

You like these big,
like, fucking bro-ey,

like, meathead idiots.

Oh, is that
what you like, Aaron? Yeah?

-You want to play with
the big boys, huh? -Yep.

Oh, look, Aaron,
they're fighting.

-You want to be in the fight?
-Yeah, that's right.

You want to be back in the old
high school locker room, huh?

-Yeah.
-With your hockey friends,

like, stealing a glance
at fucking Josh, right?

- Huh? Yeah, you like that?
- Okay.

Hey.

-Yeah, I can be tough.
-Oh, wow.

Yeah, I can be tough
like your boys.

-You stop that. -Yeah.
Oh, that's what you like, huh?

-Oh, now you're on
my blanket, bro. -Yeah, okay.

Yeah, get on my blanket, bro.

-Oh, now I'm on your blanket.
-Oh, now you want

-on my big blanket?
-Yeah.

Now you want to be
on my big blanket?

I can be aggressive.
Oh, there you are.

-There you-- I can...
-Yeah? Yeah, yeah?

Hey, hey, hey! What's going on?

-I'm all over
your blanket. -Yeah?

Boys?

-Okay, man.
-Oh, yeah. -My bad.

-My place is near here.
-Let's go the fuck home.

Yeah.

Ow! Ow. Oh, ow!

- Ow, ow, ow.
- ♪ When I fall in love ♪

Oh. Whoa, whoa!

Ow! Oh.

♪ It will be forever... ♪

-Yeah.
-Yeah. I like that.

- I like that.
- You like that?

-I like that.
-You're gonna take that?

Yeah, that's what you like.

Ooh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Dirty. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah? Yeah?

Uh-huh.

-Mm-hmm. You like that?
-Yeah. Yes.

-Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
-Yeah. Okay.

-Mm-hmm. Yeah.
-Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Okay.

- Good? Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

Ooh, yeah. Oh, yeah?

-You gonna tap out?
-Yeah, yeah, I'll tap out.

-Yeah? Oh, yeah. Yeah?
-I'll tap out.

-You gonna tap out? Tap out.
-I'll tap out.

-I tap out!
-Are you good? Are you good?

-I tapped out. I tapped out.
-Okay, I'm sorry. Okay.

Oh.

Oh! Oh.

-Great. Yeah, you like that?
-Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Yeah, you like that?
Yeah, you like that?

-Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
-You like that? You like that?

-Oh, yeah. You like that?
-Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

-Yeah! Yeah!
-Yeah. Yeah.

You like poppers?

-Yeah.
-Okay.

♪ My heart ♪

♪ And the moment ♪

♪ I can feel that ♪

♪ You feel that way, too ♪

♪ Is when I fall in love ♪

♪ With you. ♪

That was crazy.

Yeah.

I like how your chest
goes in like that.

Oh, thank you.

Mm, it's called a concave chest.

Well, I like it.

It's like a tiny birdbath.

It's like a birdbath?

-Mm.
-Great.

I always wanted my chest

to look exactly like
a tiny birdbath.

It's what every man wants.

I like how hairy you are.

You're like Austin Powers.

Thank you.

God, I never thought
I would date someone who gets

more excited about Austin
Powers than Debra Messing.

Where did I go wrong?

Wait. Are-are we dating?

No.

We're not dating. Please.

I was joking.

You don't date people.
I don't date people.

We don't date people.

-Remember?
-I remember.

Ow. What are you doing?

So annoying how good
a warm body feels

laying on another warm body.

-Hmm? -I hate getting
work emails on a Sunday.

Your job is really intense.

Yes, and I hate it.

It's fucking stressful
and depressing

and so fucking boring. I-I...

I fucking hate it.

I'm sorry.

Was there something else
you wanted to do?

Bobby, I need
to tell you something.

When I was younger...

-What happened?
-I...

You can tell me.

When I was younger, I wanted
to make little chocolates.

You wanted to make...

-little chocolates?
-Yes.

I used to tell my parents
I was going to the arcade

at the mall, but
I would sneak off to Godiva.

I just loved how all
the chocolates were wrapped.

And I thought about how I would
design my own chocolates,

how each little chocolate has

its own specific,
unique design on it,

and that little design tells you

what they're gonna taste like.

So I would draw my own
chocolates in-in a notepad.

It's all I thought about.

Tiny little pretty chocolates.

That's good.

What was I gonna do
with that, though?

What was I gonna be?

A chocolatier?

Bobby, I wasn't gonna be
a fucking chocolatier.

I don't know. Why not?

It seemed kind of faggy.

Oh, my God, Aaron.

Faggy?

It's not faggy
to spend your life

making pretty little chocolates.

-Bobby.
-Okay, fine.

But so what?
So you're a big fag.

So am I. It's great.

Did you not realize that
a few minutes ago

when you were sticking
your enormous penis

- into my tiny anus?
- Okay, yeah.

It-It's kind of cliché,
don't you think?

I'd rather be a cliché
than be miserable.

Well, my 15-year-old brain
in 1995--

that is all I thought about.

That was right around the time

that my brother caught me.

-Hooking up with a guy?
-No.

No, I was making
little chocolates.

Oh.

I lied, and I said
that I was...

making chocolates for this girl

that I had a crush on at school.

I'm sorry.

This is the cutest thing
I've ever heard.

I guess you just have
this big, exciting life.

I just didn't want you to think
that I was some boring schlub.

I don't think you're boring.

Your friend said I was boring.

Oh, my God.
You were mad about that?

I was joking. I'm sorry.

But, like, I don't understand.

You don't have to be stuck in
that miserable office all day.

You could be out in the world,
I don't know,

making fudge, you know?

You're like a Keebler elf
with internalized homophobia.

You have to do this.

You have to become
a chocolatier.

-Oh, Bobby. -You have to become
a chocolatier.

I'm telling you.

You make that sound so easy.

Well, no, it's not easy.

Nothing's easy.

My God. You know what
I have to do this weekend?

I have to drag my concave chest

up to Provincetown
and beg donors for money.

I need $5 million
or else the museum can't open.

And it's Pride up there,
so the museum has to have

a float in the parade,
and that's a whole thing.

I'm telling you, it is not easy.

It is never easy.

But it's worth it.

Hey, maybe I can come.

To where?

Provincetown?

Oh.

Yeah.

Come, come, come.
Welcome. I'm Louis.

Let me show you your bedroom.

Thank you. Oh, my God.

-This house is so beautiful.
-Oh.

How long have you had
this place?

Oh, I've been coming up
to P-town since, uh, 1976.

-Wow.
-Who are all these guys?

Oh, well, um, actually,
that's me.

Oh, my God.

Louis, you were so hot.

-Yeah, I know.
-Wow.

Do any of these guys
still come up here, too?

Uh, no.

By 1996, four of the seven
of them were gone.

I got this place in 1999
when I realized that somehow,

miraculously,
I was gonna survive.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

So, tell me.
What are you boys up to today?

Oh, well, I have a work thing
this afternoon,

so I don't really know.

-Probably just lay low.
-Lay low?

You're in P-town.

Go out. Have fun.

You'll be dead soon enough.
Come on.

- Let me show you to your room.
- All right.

Here's your bedroom.

Oh, my God!

Oh, wow.

And if you want to fuck,
you let me know.

-Oh. Mm.
-Mm.

Hey, I need to grab something.
Oh, shit.

-Bobby.
-I'm sorry.

Why are you just
walking in here?

I'm sorry. I thought
you were in the shower.

It's not steroids.
It's just testosterone.

Isn't that dangerous, like,

for your liver and balls
and stuff?

No. Half the guys I know
do this stuff.

Yeah, but half the guys
you know are roided-out morons.

Yeah, well, that doesn't
seem to bother you

when you're obsessing
over my body.

Okay, that's fair.

Um, I'm gonna shower.

♪ She's taken my heart ♪

♪ But she doesn't know
what she's done ♪

♪ I feel
her breath in my face ♪

♪ Her body close to me ♪

♪ Can't look in her eyes ♪

♪ She's out of my league ♪

♪ Just a fool to believe
I have anything she needs ♪

♪ She's like the wind. ♪

You have a really nice voice.

What?

I heard you singing
in the shower.

Well, that's mortifying.

Wait, so you're asking
this guy to donate

the remaining five million?

No. If I can get one million
out of him, I'll take it.

You can't scare these people
off by seeming too needy.

Kind of like with you.

-Who's Lawrence Grape?
-Larry Grape.

Biggest gay TV producer
on the planet.

He's made all this
groundbreaking queer content.

He's major.

Mr. Grape, I'm thinking

the final wing
should be about Lincoln.

Love that. Love Lincoln.

Very few people know this,

but our most popular president

was also
our first gay president.

Sorry. This is a Lincoln museum?

Is this a Lincoln museum, sir?

This is actually
an LGBTQ history museum.

It's the first of its kind
on a national level.

We actually s...

That fucking bush! Come on.

My neighbors planted that bush,
and it blocks my view.

Can you believe that?

Let's go take care of this.

Oh, again with this?
What are you doing?

This is on my property, Maurice!

This is a shared borderline!

This is a fucking disaster.
He won't even listen to me.

He's too busy getting
his rottweiler ready for Pride.

Okay, from my experience
at my job,

weird rich people
just want to be listened to.

Ask him what he's interested in.

But I don't care
what he's interested in.

I'm here to pitch him my idea.

Well, then pretend like
you're interested.

Just do a listening face.

-Do a listening face?
-Yeah.

Hmm. Yeah.

- I can't.
- Yes. Come on. Go.

Okay.

-Yes. Yeah, that's good.
-Really?

That looked like I'm listening?

-Totally. Yeah.
-Oh.

...plant this on my property!

-It's an indigenous bush!
-Are you going to Pride?

-Of course.
-I'll see you there.

-Love you.
-Oh, I love you, too.

All right. Listening.
I'll try it. I'll try it.

Sorry.
I have to get going, boys.

Oh, Mr. Grape,
let me ask you something.

Um...

what would you like to see
in the museum?

A haunted house

of gay trauma.

A haunted house of gay trauma?

Yeah. It's a cart on a track,
and there's...

I'm sorry. This is a ride?

Yeah, it's a fucking ride!

So you think
a ride is too much?

Um, no. N-No.

No, no, no, no. It's perfect.
Please, keep going.

Okay. We find ourselves in

an intimate little bar
with some young,

hot, animatronic men.

The men turn to dance with each
other when suddenly-- Boom!

Oh, my...

A cop car
smashes through the wall.

Police storm out of the cars.

There's sirens and batons
and voices screaming.

And suddenly, the car takes off
like a roller coaster,

and there's blood everywhere.

And a monster with Reagan's
face on it is chasing you

down the hallway saying,
"Shining city on a hill.

Shining city on a hill."

And then...
we shoot out into the light.

And it ends on something happy

like Lil Nas X working out
with pink dumbbells.

Wow.

Um, a gay trauma coaster.

I-I mean,
it's-it's very provocative.

I just don't think we can afford

that sort of thing,
unfortunately.

Right. Well, okay, it was
so lovely meeting you g...

Mr. Grape, Mr. Grape.

I'm not a creative guy.
I'm a money guy.

-No, no, no, no, no, no.
-I-- No, no.

I can tell you,
to accomplish what you want,

we need more than
just a little donation.

-No, Aaron...
-We need $5 million.

And you won't just get
the gay trauma coaster.

You get the Lincoln exhibit.
You get all of it.

You rewrite history
for an entire LGBTQ community.

You're a storyteller, Lawrence,
and this is the ultimate story.

You already pushed
the museum opening back twice.

Is it really happening?

Yes! It's definitely happening.
I promise.

My entire life
has led up to this.

Right, well,
$5 million is nothing

to rewrite history.

I'm in.

Wait, really?

-Yes! Yes! -Oh, my God!
Mr. Grape, thank you!

Of course.

Congratulations on my money.
Happy Pride.

-Happy Pride!
-Now I have to go

to a Pride party, and you're
both too old to be in the pool.

Please leave.

Aaron! Oh, my God!

You're a genius.

"You're a storyteller"?

-Where did that even come from?
-I told you.

I'm good at talking
to weird rich folk.

I could tell
he had money to spend.

I-I don't know what to say.

Thank you.

Sure.

Oh, my God.

Oh, shit!
I got to go to the parade.

I got to get on
that stupid float.

-I'll see you after.
-Okay.

Okay. Thank you.

Okay.

I kissed you!

Are we kissing each other now?
I don't know! Bye!

Bobby!

You're gorgeous.

What? You are.

I still can't believe what
you did with Lawrence today.

That was amazing!

$5 million?

It's not that big a deal.

It is a huge deal.
Are you kidding me?

I always have to do
everything for myself.

No one ever does shit
like that for me.

You know, what you did for me
you could do for yourself.

Open a chocolate shop.
I don't know.

I'm not opening
a chocolate shop.

I'm not as confident as you.

Oh, please.
I'm not that confident.

You are the most confident
person I know,

like, to a fault.

It's actually--

It's kind of scary.

Trust me, it's all an act.

Confidence is
just a choice you make.

It's a decision like any other.

Usually born out of necessity.

You think I have
a good singing voice now?

You should have heard me
when I was a kid.

I was even better.

Had American Idol existed then,

I would've been the gay guy
with an amazing voice

who comes in second.

And then let's see.

Then I went to college, and
my musical theater teacher--

he told me that I had
a "gay walk"

and a "flamboyant quality"
which would "limit my options."

And then for grad school,
I went to

one of the best journalism
schools in the country,

and my teacher there,

this old, closeted queen
who was married to a woman,

pulled me aside and thought
he was doing me a favor

when he told me that
I should stick to writing

because my voice sounded
too gay to do the news on TV.

True story.

And then I did stick to writing
and my gay history books.

Every single publisher,
every single one,

told me there wasn't enough
of an audience for it.

I was always too gay,
or I was too niche,

or, you know,
I made people uncomfortable.

Even my dad, who was
so wonderful and supportive--

I remember him saying,
"You know, not everyone

wants to hear this gay stuff
all the time."

But what was I supposed to do?

I mean...
I'm a writer.

I wanted to write about
my life, my friends, my world.

And I'm telling you,

enough people
tell you things like that,

no matter how confident you are,

when you're alone at night,

you start to think
that maybe they're right.

So... I just...

I put my head down,

and I just worked really hard,

and I just hoped that somehow

all these other people
were wrong.

And they were.

And they were.

I mean, I spent years

watching a wave of mediocre
straight men passing me by.

Men with half the talent,
who worked half as hard,

who didn't care
as much as I did,

and they got twice as far,
always.

I mean,
that's an old story, but...

And, you know,
the world caught up with us.

Didn't catch up fast enough.

Didn't catch up fast enough
for my parents to see

all these great things
happen for me.

Right?

Didn't catch up fast enough
for a lot of people.

That's the truth.

Let me tell you,
confidence is just knowing

you're the only person left
you can count on.

That's all that is.

That's all.

Want another beer?

Sure.

Sorry. That was a lot.

Did that weird you out?

-♪ The friends that I want ♪
-♪ Well, baby, love ♪

♪ Love, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ With friends,
I still feel so insecure ♪

♪ Little darling, I believe
you could help me a lot ♪

♪ Just take my hand
and lead me where you will... ♪

I love this song.

-♪ Well, baby, love ♪
-♪ Love, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Just make love
with affection ♪

♪ Sing me another love song... ♪

That is a weird dance.

Excuse me.

At least I dance.

I can dance.

I have never seen you dance.
Literally, no one has.

-Really?
-No.

-Want to see me dance?
-Yes.

Uh-oh.

♪ Give me love,
give me love... ♪

Oh. Very good.

-There you go.
-Come on.

I want you to fuck me.

Are you sure?

When was the last time
you did that?

It's been a while.

But I want you to.

- Okay.
- Good.

♪ But this time
with a little dedication ♪

♪ Sing it, sing it,
sing it, sing it ♪

♪ You know that's what I like ♪

-♪ Love ♪
-♪ Love, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Once more with feeling ♪

♪ Sing me another love song ♪

♪ But this time... ♪

Yeah. All right. Here you go.

-Merry Christmas.
-Thank you. Merry Christmas.

Thank you. Merry Christmas.

Okay.

-Whoa. Okay.
-Ready?

Great. Fine.

-It's gonna be good.
-Whew.

-It's all worth it!
-Yeah.

It's all worth it!

What's up? Aaron!

- Wh...
- What's up, man?

-Whoa. -I was wondering
when I was gonna run into you.

It's like seven of us.

Hey, congratulations
on everything.

Yeah, thank you.
Yeah, it's been crazy, man.

Cool. So, um, yeah,
what have you been doing?

Louis was like,
"No, I need to see options."

And then he started sending me
Airbnb options.

-Am I boring you?
-No, no, no.

And I'm like,
"No, we deserve this..."

Bobby.

-What do you want?
-I want you.

What's up?

Um, where do we stand on this?

Where do we stand on what?

- "Momogany."
- Oh.

On "momogany"?

Are we open? What are we into?
What are we doing? Like...

Oh, this is just like
When Harry Met Sally.

What do you mean?

It's that classic scene
where Billy Crystal

runs to Meg Ryan
on New Year's Eve and asks her

if she wants to have
an open relationship.

-Well, but...
-I mean,

I'm not, like,
into monogamy, you know.

But I don't think
we should be, like,

constantly fucking other people.

No.

Why do you ask?

Oh, you want to fuck
your little hockey friend.

No, I want to fuck you.

-Oh, that's nice.
-But maybe he's there, too.

He's very hot.

-Hi, Joshua.
-Hey. -Hey.

Hi.

I'm Steve.

-Hey, Steve.
-Hey, Steve.

Hi, Steve.

♪ Santa baby ♪

♪ Just slip a sable
under the tree... ♪

Hi, Steve.

Hey.

♪ Been an awful good girl... ♪

♪ So hurry down
the chimney tonight ♪

♪ Santa baby ♪

Mmm.

♪ A '54 convertible, too,
light blue... ♪

Oh, sorry.

Hey.

♪ Santa baby... ♪

Pillow fight!

Can I have a massage?

Me?

♪ Think of all the fun
I've missed... ♪

Sure.

I got really tight hamstrings.

- Cool.
- Oh, yeah.

Right there.

♪ If you'll check off
my Christmas list ♪

♪ Santa baby... ♪

Ignore me. I think I left
my scarf in here. I can...

Henry! Get out!

Bobby Leiber!

You made some friends.

-Hi, Henry.
-Hey, Steve.

Oh, sure.

I am so hungover.

Mm.

Thank you.

So, I may have been wrong about

the whole hooking up
with other people thing.

Okay.

I don't know. I just...

I want to be cool
and free, and, you know,

I don't want to be lame,
but actually seeing you--

I don't know. It just...

It wasn't working for me.

Yeah, no, totally. I-I get it.

You sure?

Yeah.

Okay.

Thank you.

Oh. Sorry, my mom
will not stop texting me.

When do your folks
get here again?

The 21st.

She wants to do the whole

"magical Christmas
in New York" thing.

They love sightseeing.

I have no idea
what to do with them.

Well, if you need me,
I'll be home

hate-watching
Hallheart Christmas movies.

Hey.

Do you maybe want to spend
Christmas with me and my folks?

Really?

Because, honestly,
I am totally fine alone.

That is very sweet
of you, though.

No, you shouldn't be alone.
That's crazy.

Okay.

Yeah, that'll be fun.

And, honestly, no one knows
New York City better than me.

I will plan the ultimate
New York City Christmas,

as only
a New York City Jew could.

Amazing.

But just keep in mind, you know,

they're, like, quiet folks
from a small town.

Aaron, I understand.

You and I come from
different worlds.

I'm from New York City.
You're from Upstate New York.

I mean,
they're sweet, but just...

If you could just
be, like, chill.

I promise I won't embarrass you.

And, Mrs. Shepard, these are
the first holiday windows

to ever feature
a sex-positive Tiny Tim.

And it's so important.

We don't get queer characters

in the stories
that we read as kids.

There's no gay Cinderella.

There's no lesbian Rapunzel.

There's no nonbinary
Ebenezer Scrooge.

Uh, Bobby, I think they get it.

Guys, we've got to go.

I told Josh Evans
we would meet him

at the Hallheart Christmas
movie pop-up village.

We're seeing Josh Evans?

I didn't know.

Let's do it.

Are you a Hallheart fan?

I dabble.

This is so beautiful.

I know. I love it.

There's Josh.

Wearing shorts in winter,
like a total psychopath.

Oh, my goodness.

They have
Rachael Ray edible tinsel!

- Josh! Evans!
- Hey, fellas.

-How's Hallheart Village
treating ya? -Hey.

Did you see the gay movie
that they did?

It was kind of dope.

Yeah, for years they ignored us,

then their audience got
10% less homophobic,

so they decided
we're a new demographic

they can sell shit to.
I mean, look at these movies.

Have Yourself A Heteronormative
Little Christmas.

Miracle on 34th Street
but with One Gay Guy.

Home Alone
but with Sarah Paulson.

- I mean, it's absurd.
- Josh.

-Hey.
-Merry Christmas.

Come get skates.

I want to see you and Aaron

back out on the ice for
old times' sake.

Yeah.

Bobby, Josh and Aaron

played hockey together
in high school.

-Oh, I know.
-Yeah.

-Come on.
-Hey, man, what's going on?

-Dude, what is your problem?
-What?

Could you just, like,
maybe tone it down a notch?

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

We've been with my parents
for two hours,

and you've already talked
about transgender mannequins,

HIV prevention,

and you pointed out the route
to the 1976 Dyke March.

They're having fun.
They're totally fine.

What is your problem?

I'm nervous, okay?

I've never
introduced them to anybody.

I just don't want them
to get weirded out.

I want them to have, like,
a chill, normal time.

So now I'm not normal?

Bobby, you know what I mean.

I'm just being myself.

Okay, but maybe
you could just be, like,

a little less yourself
for like three hours.

I want them to like you.

Oh. Yeah.

No, sure. Of course.

Yeah, I'll just...

I'll just be quiet.

Okay, thank you.

Bobby! Oh, my God!

Hi!

-Hi!
-Jesus Christ.

We have to go anyway.
We have a dinner reservation.

Where's dinner again?

♪ I'm flying ♪

♪ Look at me, way up high ♪

♪ Suddenly, here am I ♪

♪ I'm flying. ♪

Hey, Dad,
how are the Polar Bears doing?

That's the team
Josh and I used to play on.

They haven't won all year.

I told Josh they need you boys
to come back.

Bobby, you seem quiet tonight.

Is everything all right?

Oh, yeah, I'm totally fine.
Yeah.

I'm actually--
You know, I'm sorry

if I spoke too much today.

I just-- I think I got nervous.

This is actually more like
how I usually am.

I'm very quiet.

Very quiet and just,
like, weirdly normal.

Well, thanks again

for planning such a lovely day.

Oh, you're so welcome,
Mrs. Shepard.

Oh, you sound like
one of my students.

Call me Anne.

Okay, I will.

Uh, Mom's been
a second grade teacher

for almost 40 years now.

Oh, my God, that's amazing.

We need good teachers,
now more than ever.

Thank you. I agree.

And Aaron says you're working
at an American history museum.

Yes. Yes, it is.

It's an American history museum.

Hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Well, it's actually
an LGBTQ history museum.

It's the first major queer
history museum in America.

Do you teach your students
any gay history?

'Cause I know in a few states

they're finally starting
to do it.

Well, I teach
second grade, so no.

Oh, right.

No, I understand. Yeah.

Out of curiosity, why not?

Well, I just think

they're a little young for that.

Oh, of course. Yeah.

No, I understand that.

I don't think so, though.

-Ah, Bobby.
-No, no, no, I'm just saying.

If I may disagree respectfully.

That's actually the best time

to teach them,
when they're young.

You know, that way
they develop an appreciation

for queer people before they
all start bullying each other

or hating themselves
if they're gay.

Maybe you're right.

Oh.

Feels a little young, though.

Hmm. Right.

Totally. I get it.

- I will drop it.
--Yeah.

-Agree to disagree.
-Yeah.

-Cheers to that.
-Yes.

Hey, so, uh, when are
you guys heading home...

It's not really
that young, though.

It's not that young.

Bobby, can you please drop it?

No, I can't, because we're
talking about gay kids here,

and it's important.

One of the things
that saved me is that

my parents exposed me to
gay stories when I was a kid.

When I was 12 years old--
this is true--

my parents took me
to see a Broadway play

called Love and Compassion.

It was about a group of gay men

spending the summer together
in Provincetown.

And all of a sudden,
the curtain goes up,

and there are seven completely
naked gay men onstage.

And there I am,
sitting between my mom and dad

at age 12,
looking at seven soft penises.

- Shit.
- And all of a sudden,

two of the guys
start making out,

and then one of them starts,
like, talking dirty, you know?

And I remember this so vividly.

There was a sex scene,
and one of the guys is like,

"Pound my prostate.
Pound my prostate."

You know, "Milk me. Milk me."

And I didn't even know
what that was.

I mean, now I do.

But, you know,
it was incredible.

You know, to know
that I could sit there,

between my mom and dad,
looking at seven penises.

Seven penises, Anne.

I was 12.

And to know that they were
okay with that, I mean,

that had a profound effect
on me.

All I'm saying is,
we need to remove the stigma

from that type of thing
so that gay kids

can feel good about themselves.
That's all I'm saying.

I mean, look at Aaron
and how much he hates his life.

-Bobby.
-No, all I'm saying is there's

a direct correlation between
how unhappy you are

with your life
and what you weren't taught

about your potential as a child.

Bobby, stop talking.

-Wh...
-Seriously, enough.

I will kill you.

Aaron, you hate your life?

♪ Rama lama lama
ka dinga da dinga dong ♪

♪ Shoo-bop sha wadda wadda
yippity boom de boom ♪

♪ Chang chang
changitty chang sha-bop ♪

♪ Dip da-dip da-dip
doo-wop da doo-bee doo ♪

♪ Boogedy boogedy
boogedy boogedy ♪

♪ Shoo-be doo-wop she-bop ♪

♪ Sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na ♪

♪ Yippity boom de boom ♪

♪ Wop ba-ba lu-mop
and wop bam boom. ♪

Your brother's
a real chatterbox.

Hey, are you mad?

Me? No, I'm great.

Josh just texted me.

I'm gonna meet him at that bar.

I think we should go home
and talk about this.

Oh, really?
You want to talk more?

Well, I think it's better than
going to party with Josh,

the self-loathing meathead
who took 40 years to come out.

Yeah, well,
not everybody's you, Bobby.

Okay, but 40 years?

J.R.R. Tolkien took less time
with his journey.

God, you are fucking relentless.

"Aaron hates his life"?

God.

Hey.

Hey!

Fuck!

Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Good man.

Ah, dude. No.

Hey, just kiss me.

Aaron.

Oh, hey, Bob.

Uh, shit, Bobby,
we were just playing around.

-It's-it's...
-You were just playing around?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

-Bobby, Bobby.
-Josh, leave. -I'm sorry.

Get the fuck out of here!

-Bobby, calm down.
-Oh, my God, I knew it.

I fucking knew it.

Just say it.

Can you please just say it?

Finally, just fucking say it,
because I already know.

-You're not attracted to me.
-What?

I see the guys you look at,
at the gym and the club.

Everywhere! Everywhere we go!

-Okay, Bobby...
-Go be with him

if that's what you want,
but I will not let you

- drag me into this any further.
- It's not...

And I will not let you
break my heart.

I am too smart for that!

Bobby, why did you say
that shit about me

in front of my parents?

I begged you
not to embarrass me,

but you couldn't help yourself.

What is wrong with you?

What is wrong with me?

"Tone it down, Bobby."

"Be quiet, Bobby."

"Can't you be
a little bit less of yourself,

just for a few hours?"

You don't think
I know what that means?

You don't think I know
what that's code for?

You don't think
I've been hearing that

my whole fucking life?

That's what you think about me?

I'm not apologizing for myself.
I will leave that to you.

Hey, question for you
because you know everyone.

I need a makeover.

Ooh, yeah.
Let's go to a spa weekend.

No, I want steroids or, like,

testosterone or HGH
or something.

I keep working out,
but I don't get bigger.

I want to look like
a fucking action star.

Forget Provincetown.
I want people to think

I have a summer share
on Jumanji.

I'm sick of being niche.
I want to be Thor.

Bobby, you know that steroids

don't make you big
on their own, right?

Like, you still have to work out

-and you can't miss the window.
-I know!

Let's fucking go.

Ow.

No.

Fuck!

No! What are you doing?!

- Stop that!
- Bobby! Bobby!

-The Lincoln exhibit
is canceled. -Why?

People are threatening
a boycott.

They're pulling their donations.

There's just not enough proof.

Okay.

You want to put Lincoln
back in the closet? Fine!

-I'll put him back
in the closet! -Bobby.

-I'll put him back in
the fucking closet! -Bobby.

Here!

There you go!

Lincoln is back in the closet
where you all need him to be!

I'm on steroids!

Okay, Bobby, just calm down.

So, Angela and I have proposed

that the final exhibit
be called "Post-Gay."

Post-Gay?

Yes, because
just being gay is old news.

Okay, so,
now I'm too gay for Aaron,

but I'm too straight for you?

Will somebody please tell me

exactly how gay
I'm supposed to be?!

Poor Abraham Lincoln
can't even be gay now?!

Because he wasn't gay, Bobby.

- He was bi, and I have...
- Okay, enough!

You want to get rid
of our stories? Fine!

Let's get rid of them!

I have roid rage!

Are you insane?

-Bobby...
-Yeah, bye-bye, Buttigieg!

-Stop it, Bobby.
-No!

-Bobby!
-Give-- No!

Give it to me!

-Put the flag down!
-No! Give it to me!

Give it to...

Angela and the lesbians,
hold him down.

No!

-You're on steroids?
-You can't tell.

You know what?
I don't need this shit.

Me neither.

Lesbians, disperse!

I hate the museum,

but most of all, I really
fucking hate storytelling.

She doesn't like
telling stories.

Maybe the final wing should be

a big empty room
where people can go

to just shut the fuck up!

Okay. Yeah.

Leave! All of you!

Oh, shit, my window.

My workout window!

♪ Drop the bass. ♪

Hey, bro.

-Hey, bro. What's up?
-What's up?

I'm Joel.

I'm... Rob.

Hey, can you help me
with this set, bro?

Yeah, sure, bro. Yeah.

Nice.

-You doing chest?
-Yep.

-Leg day for me, bro.
-Oh, nice.

Got to work on those hammies.

Yeah.

Go put them all on.

Doing a superset today.

-Oh, superset?
-Yeah.

Yeah, superset.

Pack it up, bro.

-Lots of plates.
-Yeah.

I haven't seen this many plates

since, uh,
the Jewish holidays, bro.

-Nice, nice.
-Yeah.

We should hang out
again sometime.

Maybe watch a game?

Yeah, I'd love that.

I'll give you my number.

Holy shit, dude.
What happened to your voice?

Oh, fuck.

Um, okay, I'm really sorry.

But, um--
I know this is very strange,

but when I-I, when I walked
up to you in the gym,

I-I just did this voice,
you know?

Like, you know, like,

"Hey, bro. What's up?"

I-I don't know.

I just was trying it.

Holy shit,
are you a serial killer?

Are you gonna fucking
kill a bro right now?

No, no, no. I'm not killing
a bro. I'm so sorry.

No, this is weird.
I'm sorry. I'll go.

Yeah, you need to leave
right now.

But it kind of worked, right?

Like, that's what's weird
about it...

Dude, hurry up, man.

I know, but just the fact
that I was like,

"Hey, bro. What's up?"

Okay, I'm leaving.

I'm so sorry.

I'm going through
a very hard time right now.

-I ain't ask for all that.
-Okay.

I'm sorry. I'm going. I'm going.

Can I just ask you
one thing, though?

If I had come up to you
and used my real voice,

would you have been
attracted to me?

Wow.

That is really sad, but...

Yeah, I think so.

Oh.

But not now.

Okay.

I'm really sorry.

-Streisand?
-Of course.

I love her.

-She's the best.
-Streisand fucking rules.

This is actually kind of like
Yentl, if you think about it.

-Dude, get the fuck out!
-I'm so sorry.

Later.

Sorry.

And now,
Hallheart proudly presents

our first polyamorous
holiday film,

A Holly, Poly Christmas.

Look, it's snowing.

It's snowing on
all seven of us.

Oh, man.

Hey.

Hey.

Can we talk?

Okay.

So, what's up?

Bobby, I am so sorry
I told you not to be yourself.

I know I fucked up,
but this is new for me, too.

And when you blew up in front
of my parents, honestly, it...

...it felt like
you were doing it on purpose.

I was.

And I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have handled it
like that. You're right.

I'm sorry.

But, Aaron,

that doesn't
change the fact that

you like a certain type of guy.

And that isn't me,
and that's okay.

You're right.

I always pictured myself
with a guy...

-Like Josh.
-Yeah, a guy like Josh.

Yeah, he's hot.

Yes, he's simple,
conventional, basic as hell

and not somebody
that actually makes me happy.

Bobby, you are
so different from me.

You're not afraid
to take up space in the world.

You challenge me.

Which at first,
it freaked me out

because who the fuck wants
to be challenged all the time?

But...

But I love it.

You're what's been missing.

I know I fucked up, but
please give me another chance.

I miss you so much.

I miss you, too.

A lot.

I didn't realize
until after we broke up

there were actually a couple
of months there where I was...

What do they call it?

In a good mood.

But I can't.

My whole life, I have prided
myself on being self-aware

and self-reliant
and self-possessed,

and it didn't matter.

It didn't matter because,
at the end of the day,

I just ended up in the street

looking at you
and looking at Josh

and thinking,
"I'm not enough for him."

I know, and I feel awful,

but do not throw this away
because of one mistake!

Wh-What do you want me to do?

Say you'll give me
another chance.

I can't do that.

Why not?

'Cause I don't trust you.

I've been alone so long,
who knows?

Maybe that's the only way
I know how to be.

I don't know.

I'm going.

It's good.

Hey!

If you don't trust me,
that's fine.

But if for some reason,

underneath all that strength
and confidence,

you still don't trust
that you are lovable enough,

I'm living proof...

that you're wrong.

First of all, thank you all

for letting me do this.

I really appreciate it.

Look, I know I've been

a very angry,
judgmental person, obviously.

And sometimes anger can be good.

I know you all know that
because, for years,

it was the fuel we all needed
to keep going.

It wasn't that long ago
that the straight gatekeepers

of the world
didn't allow for all of us

to really succeed in a big way.

Oh, my God. Do you guys
remember straight people?

Yeah, they had a nice run.

Look, Bobby, I'm a Black trans
woman, and I don't need you

to come here
and lecture me about anger.

But I get it.

I am brimming

with anger.

And if I were to let
just an ounce of it out,

I would probably explode
and kill every one of you.

But, Bobby, I want you
to know something.

I hear you.

And I forgive you.

You do?

Yes.

Look, this is the only community

I've ever loved being a part of.

And we fight like crazy,
and we always have, but...

...you're my people.

And I am so sorry that I was
so rude and spoke down to you.

I should've shown you
much more respect.

There is truly
no group of people on earth

that I love and respect more.

Well, I am not going to lie.
I am still angry.

But I insist on progress,
not just for our LGBTQ heroes

but for our LGBTQ assholes.

Like you.

Thank you, Robert.

The live of this apology
has like 40K viewers.

You're posting this?

Can you please--

No, okay. Yeah.

No, you should
definitely post this.

Everything should...
everything should be posted,

and thank you
for teaching me that.

♪ Don't leave ♪

♪ Don't cry ♪

♪ You're just another boy
caught in the rye ♪

Hey. I've decided to quit.

-I just quit, too.
-You did?

I do this Kamala Harris
impression online,

and it's really taken off.

-Oh.
-Yeah, like--

I'm Kamala Harris.

Okay?

Good luck with that.

Yeah, good luck
with whatever you're doing.

Thank you.

Hey, Bobby, I wanted you to be
the first person to see this.

This is Aaron Shepard's
Chocolate Factory.

I made these little chocolates.

I also made some special treats

to celebrate the opening
of the LGBTQ+ Museum.

These are Harvey Milk Duds.

And instead of a heart-shaped
Valentine's Day box

filled with chocolates,
we have a pink

"silence equals death" triangle
filled with chocolates.

And a tribute to my favorite
gay television character,

this is...

a Tirami-Susan from Friends.

Of course Aaron likes Friends.

Of course, all the profits
go to the museum.

Okay.

Bye.

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ It's all right. ♪

Dude, thanks for
letting me crash here.

I know Mom pressured you
into inviting me, but...

it's cool of you.

Yeah, sure.

-You okay, bro?
-Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm a very happy chocolatier.

I mean, there was that guy.

But it's over.
Whatever. I'm fine.

Yeah, totally.

Jesus, how do you decapitate?

Seriously, that's all
you're gonna say?

"How do you decapitate?"

What do you want me to say?
How do you remove their heads?

What about,
"Hey, bro, how are you doing?

How are you holding up?"

I'm sorry, bro.
We don't talk about this shit.

I'm-I'm crashing here because
I'm in the middle of a divorce,

and you haven't asked me
about it once.

I'm sorry.

So, how's the divorce?

-I don't want to talk about it.
-Okay.

So...

...what happened to you?

Okay, you remember at Christmas
when Mom and Dad came?

I asked Bobby to...

I asked him to tone it down.

I know. I know.
I fucked up. I panicked.

Did you try

-to get him back or...
-Yes.

I mean, Bobby is the best,

but he is
a stubborn son of a bitch.

And do you love
this stubborn little bitch?

Whatever. It's over.

Bobby's strong.
He doesn't need me.

He doesn't need anyone.

♪ So alive ♪

♪ Loving the feeling,
learning the meaning... ♪

Hey, guys.
It's your girl Tamara.

We're opening
the LGBT Museum tonight.

Tonight is our grand opening,

and we're gonna have
a wonderful time!

Yeah!

-What's up?
-What's up?

Hi. I'm Leonardo da Vinci.

I changed the world with my work

as an inventor,
scientist and artist.

But most importantly,
I may have been bi.

Arrivederci.

Congrats. You've made it
to the Obama administration.

But what's that
around the corner?

Okay, seriously,
this place is incredible.

-Are you happy?
-I don't know.

It's weird, you know?

Like, this place was my dream,
then it happened.

Why can't I answer
your question?

-Okay, can I just say
one thing? -Yes.

I know that
what he did was wrong,

but you didn't have to argue
with his parents.

I did, though.
Plus, I apologized.

And he apologized, too.

I just don't know
if I can trust him.

He fucked up. People fuck up.

Is there no part of you

that wants to give him
a second chance?

You know what it is?

I just don't want
to want someone else this much.

But you do.

It doesn't make you look weak
to love someone.

Vulnerability is not
a boner killer.

I know you.

I know that you've had
a million reasons

to keep your guard up
all these years.

But there are people out there

worth letting
your guard down for.

Were you happier
with him or without him?

That's all that really matters.

Can I tell you something
extremely embarrassing

that I would only tell you?

Yes.

I wrote a song about him.

I know! That's the only time

I'm ever gonna talk about it.

We're not talking about it.

I didn't send it,
and I'm not sending it.

Okay. Fine.

I've just never seen you
that happy is all.

And I love seeing it.

Hi, guys.

-Hi, sweetie.
-Ready to go dance?

-Yeah.
-Let's go.

Holy shit. He texted me.

-Bobby texted me!
-Well, what'd he say?

He said, "Hey, what's up?"

"Hey, what's up?"

-Fuck yeah, bro!
-Yeah?

-That's what I'm talking about!
-Yeah? That's good? Yeah!

It's great! "Hey, what's up?"

"Hey, what's up?"
"Hey, what's up?"

-No, wait. No, wait, wait.
-What?

Okay, yeah.

I-I'm gonna wait to text him
back, though, you know?

Ah, shit.
I got to get to the gym.

Aaron, what the fuck is up with
you and the CrossFit every day?

Jesus! What are you people
all training for?

You going to war?

Stop playing it so cool.

Just go and tell him
how you feel.

Oh, what about you?
What about divorce?

What about keeping it
young and fun?

Oh, whatever.

Straight people--
we're so set in our ways.

But gay people--
you guys are all so--

you're so smart.

You're gonna figure it out.

My story is not your story.

Go write your own damn story.

-Go! Now!
-Okay. Yeah.

Hey.

"Hey, what's up?"

-"Hey, what's up?" Yeah!
-"Hey, what's up?"

-Bobby?
-Yeah?

-It's time for the toast.
-Okay, great.

Okay.

One of the hardest parts
of putting the museum together

was figuring out what
the final exhibit would be.

The message we'd leave people
with about who we are.

But the truth is
we are not one thing.

We are not a monolithic group.

We are some of the smartest
and most self-reliant people

you will ever meet.

And we are so stupid.

And we are a total mess.

And we are great.

We've been around since the
beginning of time, of course,

and yet it still feels like
we're at the very beginning

of being able to tell
our own stories.

In many ways,
I think we're still

getting to know
each other, really.

Now, I'm just
a boring old cis white gay,

but...

one thing I have learned from

my trans and bi
and nonbinary family is that

happiness for all of us
comes from staying fluid,

staying open to change.

Open to being more than
just who you thought you were

or more than what other people
assume you are.

So this is a toast to all of us.

We've come a long way.

And there are a lot of people

who deserved to live
long enough to be here tonight.

And we are here,
and they are not.

And we are very lucky.

We are very lucky.

I have no complaints.

Hey.

Hey.

Um...

Sorry, um-- Just, um--

One more thing. Sorry, hold on.

I'm gonna do it.
Let's do it. Let's do it.

Hi.

So, um,

this is a little special
something I wrote for tonight,

and I didn't think
I would actually have

a reason to sing it.

And I haven't sung in front of
people in a very long time,

so forgive me.

But, um, tonight is about love,

and we've seen
a lot of tortured gay cowboys

played by a lot of
straight actors over the years.

So, this is a love song
from one gay cowboy to another,

inspired by everyone's favorite
LGBTQ+ icon,

Garth Brooks.

♪ We met at the club ♪

♪ Mariah Carey remix on ♪

♪ Oh, the boys in harnesses ♪

♪ You didn't recognize
the song ♪

♪ You took me up ♪

♪ Up to Provincetown ♪

♪ Where, for years,
the deviant boys ♪

♪ Have run around ♪

♪ 'Cause love is not love ♪

♪ Our love is real ♪

♪ And I'm nervous as hell
to tell you how I feel ♪

♪ 'Cause after all these years
of running round ♪

♪ It's nice to have somebody
slowing down ♪

♪ 'Cause love is not love ♪

♪ Our love is free ♪

♪ I'll let you be you
and you let me be me ♪

♪ And we can wrestle
on the bed ♪

♪ I love when you pin me
to the ground ♪

♪ But if I tell you
how much I love you, boy ♪

♪ Will you stick around? ♪

♪ And you can lift me up ♪

♪ And I will calm you down ♪

♪ I've made a lot of noise ♪

♪ But only you can hear me now ♪

♪ 'Cause love is not love ♪

♪ This love is real ♪

♪ I hope you feel the same ♪

♪ 'Cause this is how I feel ♪

♪ And I'm tired of
being angry, babe ♪

♪ And I'm sick of being strong ♪

♪ And I know
a lot of cynical assholes ♪

♪ Who will hate this song ♪

♪ 'Cause it's an open heart ♪

♪ It's a second chance ♪

♪ It's finding your first love ♪

♪ As a 40-year-old man ♪

♪ And we don't have to
get married, babe ♪

♪ This is our romance ♪

♪ And just because we're gay ♪

♪ Doesn't mean
we have to dance ♪

♪ 'Cause love is not ♪

♪ Love is not ♪

♪ Love is not... ♪

♪ Love. ♪

-Bobby, I just have to
tell you... -In all my years,

I never thought I'd say this,

but, Debra Messing,
it'll have to wait.

What's wrong?

I just really love you.

I love you, too.

You like love, bro?

Oh, yeah.

- Wait.
- Wha...

Oh.

-Oh, what are you...
-Just let me do this.

-Uh...
-Um...

Oh, shit. I need a ring.

-Uh, Bob-Bobby...
-Tamara, can I borrow your ring?

-Oh, yeah.
-Thank you.

-Bobby, I...
-Aaron Shepard,

I know we're not
relationship people...

...but will you date me
for three months,

and then we'll reassess?

Yes, Bobby Leiber, I will
date you for three months,

and then we can reassess.

Mommy, what's happening?

It's a miracle.

Uncle Bobby's gonna
date someone for three months.

Hey, queers!

I'm the museum guard here.

Just gonna do some dusting.

Hello.
What are you doing dusting me?

I'm lesbian first lady
Eleanor Roosevelt.

Hi. I'm Seth Meyers
as Harvey Milk.

Hello.

I'm Kenan Thompson
as James Baldwin.

It's a Night at the Gay Museum.

Come here.

♪ Everybody's free ♪

♪ To feel good ♪

♪ Everybody's free ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ To feel good ♪

♪ Brother and sister ♪

♪ Together
we'll make it through ♪

♪ Someday a spirit
will lift you ♪

♪ And take you there ♪

♪ Everybody's free ♪

♪ To feel good. ♪

- Aaron?
- Mom.

Mm.

-Bobby.
-Hi.

Ah, Bobby, this is spectacular.

-Thank you.
-And the kids are loving it.

I'm so glad you're here.
It means so much to me

that you would make it
part of your trip.

-It really does.
-You were right.

Of course they should see this.

It's their history, too.

Congrats.

You're a four
on the Kinsey Scale.

You're a bisexual.

Well.

-Bye!
-Bye!

Thanks for teaching me
about Liberace!

Anytime!

You know, we just hit
three months.

How do you think it's going?

I think it's going pretty well.

How do you think it's going?

I think it's going
pretty well, too.

Oh, good.

-Good job.
-Yeah.

-Bye, boys!
-Bye, Mom!

You want kids someday, right?

-No.
-Bobby.

-Absolutely not.
-Oh, Bobby.

No!

-Come on. Bobby.
-No! No!

-Where are you going?
-I'm not having children

-wherever I'm going!
-Oh, come on! I want kids!

--♪ God,
I wish I would have known ♪

♪ When I was younger ♪

♪ That I should've just danced
when I didn't want to ♪

♪ Hindsight's 20/20 ♪

♪ What's a boy to do ♪

♪ With a story in my head
that's never true? ♪

♪ Hindsight's 20/20 ♪

♪ Mistakes, broken plates ♪

♪ Backseat third base ♪

♪ Cried in public yesterday ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Self-care, truth or dare ♪

♪ Acting like I don't care ♪

♪ Screaming match,
you were there ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Hindsight's 20/20 ♪

♪ God, I wish I would've known
when I was younger ♪

♪ It's okay to smile
when you're finally happy ♪

♪ Hindsight's 20/20 ♪

♪ Reach for their hands
at the movie ♪

♪ Fall into someone ♪

♪ Let 'em have me ♪

♪ Yeah, hindsight's 20/20 ♪

♪ What's a boy to do ♪

♪ With a story in my head
that's never true? ♪

♪ Hindsight's 20/20 ♪

♪ Mistakes, broken plates ♪

♪ Backseat third base ♪

♪ Cried in public yesterday ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Self-care, truth or dare ♪

♪ Acting like I don't care ♪

♪ Screaming match,
you were there ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Hindsight's 20/20 ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Hindsight's 20/20 ♪

♪ God, I wish I would've known
when I was younger ♪

♪ That I should've just danced
when I didn't want to. ♪