Brooklyn Brothers Beat the Best (2011) - full transcript

It's go time, Mr. Garfunkel.

[ Knocks ] Time to bring your "A" game.

[ Door Shuts ] ♪♪ [ Guitar: Folk Strumming ]

♪ We emerged like moths ♪

♪ Sucked out to the light ♪

♪ Our flailing wing tips ♪

♪ Catchin' snow beneath the night ♪

♪ The heat from your eyes ♪

♪ Had a fire all their own ♪

♪ Did you know? ♪

[ Together ] ♪ That we ♪



♪ Could bury all our fears and let them freeze ♪

♪ Or sabotage our sense of what should be ♪

♪ Till you and I have nothing left but dreams ♪

♪ But dream, but dream, but dream, but dream ♪

♪ But dream ♪ ♪♪ [ Guitar Distortion ]

♪♪ [ Loud, Single-note Solo ]

♪ My body's burnin' ♪

♪ You can feel it in your thighs ♪

♪ I'm cravin' blood, babe ♪

♪ It's time for werewolf sucks tonight ♪

♪ The dead are walkin' ♪

♪ And they know how to make love ♪

♪ Did you know? ♪

[ Howling ]



♪ That we ♪

♪ Could bury all those dreams and let them freeze ♪

♪ Or sabotage our sense of what should be ♪

♪ Till you and I have nothing left but dreams ♪♪

[ Man ] This isn't working out.

[ Sighs ] What?

Been meaning to tell you for a while now.

We've only played three shows. How long could it have been?

I guess we'll just have to... agree to disagree.

Doesn't even make sense in this situation.

Well, we're definitely gonna have to agree to disagree... on that.

What? [ Sighs ]

This is what I'm talkin' about, man. We're always arguing.

You're just-- You're just too negative.

And... your lyrics, dude.

There ain't nothin' sexy about moths, man.

Nothing. You sing about monsters and shit.

You just-- You don't get it. It's not about monsters.

All my shit is autobiographical.

How do you think I wrote "Vampire Soul-Suckin' Slut"?

You think that just came to me?

That shit, like, happened to me, man.

Music is like an exorcism, dude.

Give me one more chance. Look, this is my third band this year.

Look, I-- I'll write a song about an exorcism.

It's gotta be autobiographical, man.

You've never been exorcised.

Wait. Have you been exorcised?

No.

I'm gonna head east.

I'm really nervous about you killing yourself, man.

You don't have any, like...

pills on you or anything, do you?

No. Damn.

I'm just so stressed out from telling you all that stuff.

Nothing? All right.

You know,

you gotta be a man...

if you're gonna play the music of a man, bro.

And don't kill the messenger on this one, but if I were you,

I'd look into some voice lessons too.

♪♪ [ Guitar: Folk Strumming ] Peace out, G.

[ Man ] ♪ I could find a way ♪

♪ To turn the other cheek ♪

♪ If I believed ♪

♪ That second chances really do exist ♪

♪ But nothing I have seen here ♪

♪ Points to this ♪

♪ So I've got no answers ♪

♪ 'Cause no one's left alive ♪

♪ If you're really looking close ♪

♪ I'm a thousand miles away ♪

♪ And no one's listening ♪

♪ With a heart so stripped and bound ♪

♪ So naked, broken, bruised ♪

♪ I'm gonna hide it all away ♪

♪ From you ♪♪ [ Girl Laughs ]

Hi. It's Erin.

Guess it's message time.

Good luck.

[ Beeps ] Hey. It's me.

Hi.

Look, I know in your letter you said you needed a little silence.

You know, I don't know. [ Stammers ]

You're right. It makes sense.

[ Laughing, Chattering ]

Well, look who's here.

I'm really sorry I'm late, Jack. I had a bad night,

and I forgot my alarm, and I didn't have money for a cab, so--

Alex, you don't have money for a cab...

because you haven't closed a deal in weeks.

And your bullshit love life has no place in this office.

- Oh! - Come on.

[ Men Laughing ]

Ten for 10. You saw it.

Jason, do you mind if you give us a moment alone for a second?

Oh, right.

No problema.

I'll just be in my office.

Jack, I promise you, I'm good.

All right, kid. Pull yourself together.

We powwow in 10, then go after these fuckers like ninja assassins.

[ Phone Buzzes ]

[ Phone Snaps Shut ]

Jack, horrible timing-- [ Chuckles ]

but I was wondering if I could maybe take my lunch hour just a little bit early.

Look, I have a gig, and I cannot be late.

Jesus, you gotta stop calling 'em gigs.

When you equate meaningless bullshit to your goals,

you're setting yourself up for failure.

[ Jason ] Amen. Still on our private moment here, Jason.

Thank you very much. You got it, dog.

No.

Final answer. We go in 10.

[ Water Pouring ]

[ Jason ] Put the water down!

Water is for closers.

What?

You think I'm fucking with you?

Huh?

[ Laughs ] Just fucking with you, man.

That was from Glengarry Glen Ross, bitch.

You're too easy to get, son. [ Chuckles ]

- Jack is right though, man. - You know what, Jason? Seriously?

I mean, being an artist...

is kinda like playing checkers, man.

There's only a couple of ways you can move,

and you're either a king or you're nothing.

And there's only room for a few kings in music.

I mean, there's Elvis, Michael Jackson...

and probably Weird Al Yankovic.

But in adult jobs-- like real estate, for example--

we're playing chess. Yeah.

Sometimes you move forward, sometimes diagonal.

Maybe sometimes you're moving in an "L" shape like the horsey guys.

Little kids play with checkers, Alex,

while old Russian dudes and homeless black men...

looking to outfox unsuspecting tourists--

Now, they-- They play chess.

A.K.A., put the water down...

and grow some fuckin' sacks.

[ Jack ] What the hell is the matter with you?

What? What?

You could've broken his neck. He caught it.

You threw a five-gallon water bottle at his face, Alex.

The entire office is flooding. You know what that shit's gonna cost me?

You know what? Y-You're done.

I'm sorry. Go. Play your gig.

I will.

[ School Bell Ringing ]

We have a very special treat for you today.

Let's give a big welcome to Alex, the Musical Moose.

[ Scattered Applause ]

I wrote this on my way over here.

♪ Willie was a mongoose ♪

♪ Who was scared of his own shadow ♪

♪ He said that life's a constant battle ♪

♪ Poor me ♪

♪ Willie had no faith or pride ♪

♪ And one day when he was sleeping ♪

♪ A cobra came a-creeping towards Willie ♪

♪ And Willie flew like lightning flies ♪

♪ Like Rikki-tikki-tavi with lightning in his eyes ♪

♪ He showed that snake don't you ever mess ♪

♪ With a suicidal nihilist ♪

♪ 'Cause nothing matters and when we die ♪

♪ There's no white-bearded mongoose waiting in the sky ♪

♪ We are all alone-- ♪♪

Aaah!

[ On Speaker ] Aaah!

Now let me make this very clear.

I do not want this psycho anywhere near this school,

and if I find out he's been playing his little death songs...

in any classroom in this school district,

I will personally see to it that your non-for-profit status is revoked...

and send some hard-ass motherfuckers down here to refresh your memory.

We understood? It was self-defense.

I had no idea it was a fake knife.

You hit a handicapped kid repeatedly in the face!

You're lucky you're not in jail, you little...

shit sack!

[ Man ] I'm gonna need your pin.

[ Children Laughing, Chattering ]

I like your pink skin.

It's pretty.

Can I ask you something?

Okay.

Do you like your life?

I don't know. I think so.

Can you explain that to me please, kid? How do you do that?

I mostly just play a lot.

Have you tried playing?

Nobody wants me to play, man.

[ Sniffles ]

I remember this one time.

I was 10 years old,

and I played this song in front of my whole school.

- It was about swans, I think. - I love swans.

Right?

I love swans.

It was about this swan that--

It's told its whole life that it's beautiful,

but then one day it grows up and it realizes, "Yo, I'm an ugly duckling."

And my teachers thought it was morbid.

And a bunch of kids wrote "Alex is a pussy" on my guitar case...

and called me "duck boy" for like-- for like fucking years.

What am I supposed to do?

My mama says I can do anything I want when I grow up.

I could tell that from the first second I saw you.

That's something all musical mooses can tell.

It's our one gift.

Really?

Come on, Jenny. Leave the nice man alone.

I'm not man. I'm a moose.

[ Woman ] Get a job, asshole.

[ Phone Buzzing ]

[ Buzzing Continues ]

[ Alex Sniffles ]

Hello, Erin.

Hi, Alex.

Hey. It's great to hear your voice.

Are you okay? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'm doing great. How are you?

Your message sounded really scary.

Oh, no. No, I'm-- I'm good.

I just, you know-- I've been up to-- [ Sniffles ]

I've been doing so much stuff.

I mean noth-nothing necessarily like important...

or like pertinent but--

Oh, my God.

I cannot believe this.

From the show last night.

I'm sorry about your band, Alex. What?

I said I'm sorry about your band. No, no. You don't understand.

I was sitting over there and I was thinking, and now you're here.

I know it meant a lot to you. I mean, come on, this is crazy.

- Can you-- Can you please leave me alone? - What?

No, not you. I understand if you don't wanna talk.

I just need a second. Don't be a dick.

Listen to me. I don't know who you think you are or why you're harassing me right now,

but you better stop because I'm about to freak the fuck out.

Not a good time? Get away from me!

Alex? Alex, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm sorry. I was just--

No. Actually, no, I-- No, I'm not okay.

Have you talked to Brian?

What?

No. Why would I do that?

Come on, Erin, don't-- Don't say stupid shit like that.

He's your brother, Alex.

I know this is gonna sound awful,

but have you thought about going home for a little while?

It's really helped me clear my head.

You know what would have helped me, Erin?

Not being betrayed and left for dead by my girlfriend.

That would've helped me a lot.

Hey. Hey. I need to talk to you right now.

This cannot wait. Get away from--

Uh--

Oh, no, no.

I'm sorry. It's okay, buddy. You okay? Okay.

I'm sorry.

Hey. Whoa.

Are you all right, man?

Who are you, and why are you in my apartment?

We should start a band together.

I'm gonna count to three,

and then I'm gonna start yelling rape really loud over and over again.

I already planned out a whole tour. One.

We leave tomorrow, so we gotta work fast. Wait a minute. I know you.

- You punched me in the face. What the-- - Aaah!

How do you know where I live? It's okay.

Look at that, license. Mmm, mmm. Yum. Take it.

Look at this. Oh, yeah.

Holy shit. A map. I plotted out our whole course.

It takes two weeks to go from one coast to the other.

I booked all the dates. All we gotta do is show up.

All we have to do is show up?

And then at the end, there's a big final competition, a big band battle.

A battle of the bands. Well put.

We're gonna win it, of course. How amazing would that be?

I mean-- Aaah! [ Both Laugh ]

It would be-- Yeah, except for one thing.

Fuck. What?

[ Both Shouting ]

- [ Both Grunting ] - [ Alex ] How do you even know I play music?

Because I was at the show last night. You stole my slot.

[ Screeching ]

If you already have a band, what do you need me for?

- Don't you worry about it. Don't worry-- - [ Alex Screams ]

Look, I know you got drop-kicked out of your old band.

- I didn't get drop-kicked. - I heard you got thrown like a fucking javelin.

You got tossed like a little side salad.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

I can't write songs, okay?

I'm a musical revolutionary who doesn't need to write songs.

So I don't write songs, okay? You got that?

[ Both Grunting ]

People don't want me in their band because I'm too fuckin' interesting.

Well, fuck them.

But I booked this whole-- this whole tour over this whole month,

only to find out that I've been secretly replaced...

by that fucking tool from your old band...

who writes songs about werewolves raping each other.

But no one told me because they didn't-- they didn't want me to un-book the tour.

But then when they found out that your guy was playing,

then they all just--

they all just fucking bailed.

[ Alex ] So what do you expect me to do?

Go with you, a complete stranger, and drive across the country tomorrow?

Well, I figure we're the scraps--

which is awesome...

because all great music was made by a bunch of scraps, you know?

What did J.F.K. say?

What, ask not what your country can--

No. Are you talking about the moon speech?

No, he said, "Well, geez, Jackie. This is sure a swell Cadillac.

Hey, isn't that"-- [ Imitates Gunshot ]

Do, do, do, do, do, do--

[ Imitates Thud, Explosion ]

If he would've lived one more minute,

he would have told all the children of the world...

not to waste the precious time that we have left.

We're gonna be in California in two weeks.

I've never been. Have you?

I'm not going to California.

I have to get a job. I just ended a very important relationship.

I'm sad.

I punched a retarded kid in the face,

and now I have no way of paying for this apartment.

But here's the part that concerns you.

I suck. [ Chuckles ] Okay?

I'm no good.

So if you'll please excuse me, intruder,

pretty please with sugar on top, get the fuck out of my apartment.

All right.

I'm gonna go. Great.

Good-bye, Alex. How the hell do you know my name?

It's on your license.

And it's also on your guitar case.

[ Paper Rustling ]

I'm just gonna--

[ Door Opens, Closes ]

Of course he's from Jersey. [ Phone Buzzing ]

[ Buzzing Continues ]

Hello, Erin?

[ Woman ] Hello, this is Marleen.

I'm calling about your delinquent phone--

[ Phone Buzzing ]

[ Buzzing Continues ]

[ Buzzing ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Buzzing Continues ]

[ Static ]

Hello? Hello?

Hello? Erin, can you hear me?

[ Man ] How you doing, little brother?

Hey, Brian.

Great. I'm doing really good.

That's not the word around the campfire, chief.

You in some kind of trouble, Ali?

Brian, I was-- I was wondering if it would be all right with you-- I mean, if--

I think it'd be a good idea.

It'd be great to see you.

Bet that city can really swallow you up.

Music's not going anywhere, Alex.

What do you mean?

I just mean that your music will always be there whenever you want it.

It's not going anywhere.

It's a hard lesson to learn,

but there's nothing wrong with knowing when to say enough.

You there, Ali?

No.

I mean, yes. I mean, um--

Brian, actually the reason I was calling you is that I was--

I was wondering if it would be cool if I just stayed for--

with you for a night or two because, um--

You're gonna think this is crazy. [ Chuckles ]

I'm only coming because I'm planning my revenge on you for punching me in the face.

You're not gonna know when it's coming.

You're not gonna know where it's coming from.

You might not even notice it when it's here.

In fact, for all you know, it already happened.

But shit is going down, and you will feel my fucking wrath.

[ Whispering ] Yes.

[ Snoring ]

[ Snoring Continues ]

Pretty cool, huh? Jesus.

Yeah.

I feel like I just walked into a preschool version of the movie Hostel.

- [ Screams ] - Aaah!

[ Laughing ] Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I had to do that.

[ Squawking, Electronic Beeping ]

[ Squawking, Beeping Intensifies ]

[ Tones Oscillating ]

- [ Mimics Speech ] - [ Gasps ]

Will you shut your stupid-ass, cocksucking mouths in there?

- Sorry, Grandpa. - Go fuck yourself.

He had a stroke recently, so he pretty much says whatever he wants.

- I'm closing the door. - Go fuck yourself again.

Okay. [ Chuckles ]

All right. We got about three hours before we gotta hit the road...

or we're not gonna make that show tonight.

So let's grab this shit and let's get going. [ Sniffs ]

You're bringing all this stuff?

Nah.

Just the classics.

[ Alex ] Don't we need, like, a van or something?

Oh, it's only the two of us, and we don't have that much stuff.

Plus, we need something that gets disgustingly high gas mileage,

or we're gonna end up dead somewhere.

[ Alex ] So your grandpa's just cool with us taking his car?

Yeah, he lost his license a while ago.

Although if he knew we were taking it,

he'd hunt us down and shoot us in the street like dogs.

He was a Green Beret.

He loves this car.

[ Engine Sputters, Dies ]

[ Alex ] So, what do I do?

I'll play a beat and then you play along.

And I'll record it.

And then we'll switch it up, okay?

Wait.

Did you take lessons?

No. You? No. No, me neither.

Great. That's good, because then we're both homegrown talents.

It's better that way. Okay.

♪♪ [ Electronic Drumbeats ] All right, quick warning.

None of my songs are very positive.

Fuck positive songs.

Positive songs are for hippies.

♪♪ [ Folk Strumming ]

♪♪ [ Stops ]

- ♪♪ [ Playing Back ] - ♪♪ [ Keyboard: Rapid Arpeggio ]

♪♪ [ Keyboard: Simple Melody ]

♪♪ [ Stops ]

♪♪ [ Drumbeats ] ♪♪ [ Folk Strumming ]

♪♪ [ Rapid Arpeggio ]

♪♪ [ Repeats Simple Melody ]

- ♪♪ [ Tinkling Melody ] - ♪ Took a ride on the B.Q.E. ♪

♪ Got off on the L.I.E. ♪

♪ Took that to the Grand Central ♪

♪ Then south on the Van Wyck ♪

♪ To the J.F.K. Expressway ♪

♪ Started off early with the snow that day ♪

♪ Dropped you on the corner and kissed you good-bye ♪

♪ Please call me if your flight is delayed ♪

♪♪ [ Horn-like Sound ] ♪♪ [ Scatting ]

♪ Came home and watched DVDs ♪

♪ On the couch till I fell asleep ♪

♪ Didn't think and didn't have no dreams ♪

♪ Just thought of you in sunny, sunny Miami ♪

♪ And I swear I'm trying ♪

♪ These days I ain't seeing a lot of love ♪

♪ And I'll never see another like the one I seen in you ♪

♪ And I swear I'm trying ♪

♪ These days I ain't seeing a lot of love ♪

♪ And I'll never see another like the one I seen in you ♪

♪ Called you up I thought I got your machine ♪

♪ Heard your voice It was quarter to 3:00 ♪

♪ You said you're fine, said there's nothing you need ♪

♪ I knew it then that you never, never would need me ♪

Sing the chorus with me this time?

Yeah, what are the words?

[ Together ] ♪ And I swear I'm trying ♪

♪ These days I ain't seeing a lot of love ♪

♪ And I'll never see another like the one I seen in you ♪

♪ And I swear I'm trying ♪

♪ These days I ain't seeing a lot of love ♪

♪ And I'll never see another like the one I seen in you ♪♪

♪♪ [ Stops ]

So what do you think?

I don't know. What do you think? I kinda think--

I kinda think that people are gonna hate us. Okay.

Either that, or we're gonna change the course of human history like--

like the Wyld Stallyns in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

Kinda hoping for, you know, maybe something in the middle of those two things.

- Yeah. Yeah, that's good too. - Wanna play another one?

Yeah, I do. I really do. [ Alex ] Okay, let's do it.

You said the dates were set.

I don't understand why we have to convince anybody of anything.

Dates were set, but I had to cancel a few things 'cause my band got hijacked.

Been on the phone nonstop, piecing this thing back together.

I just hit a little snag with this one.

Playing a little phone tag. Don't worry.

I am on really, really good terms with the girl that books the bands at this club.

What the fuck do you want?

Hi, Cassidy. It is so nice to finally meet you.

I agreed to meet you here, Jim, because "A," it's a well-lit public place,

and "B," to let you know I've looked into it,

and the 20 voice mails and countless e-mails you've sent me...

does, in fact, constitute harassment.

If I ever receive another ounce of correspondence from you,

I will have you behind bars getting ass-raped by nightfall.

The show's full. So what the fuck do you want?

Absolutely nothing. It was really nice meeting you.

We're gonna go. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, hey, hey. I'm sorry.

I haven't had a chance to introduce you to Alex.

Songwriter genius.

Yes.

And this is Cassidy.

Young entrepreneur, music enthusiast.

This is really cool, you guys.

The two of you-- meeting here like this? This is great.

What are you doing here? [ Jim ] You are not gonna like it.

And to be perfectly honest, I-I was against it myself at first.

But Alex here would not be denied the opportunity...

to explain to you why this show...

would be an absolute shell of what it could be...

without the Brooklyn Brothers.

- Who are the Brooklyn Brothers? - You're looking at them.

Can you excuse me for a second?

We didn't talk about the band being called the Brooklyn Brothers.

Why? You don't like it? No, it's just that we're not brothers.

- That doesn't make sense. - It's the appeal factor. Trust me.

- We could be blood brothers. I got a pocketknife. - What? Jim, listen to me.

Don't you think the Brooklyn Brothers sounds like a black funk band from the '70s?

If by that you mean it sounds like we got soul, then yeah, I do.

You guys are so strange.

Him, not me. I'm-- I am totally normal.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, he's totally normal.

I found him in the park dressed as a pink unicorn.

Moose. It was-- It was a-- It was a musical moose.

Musical moose. I played music for retar-- for handi--

mentally handicapped children.

They fucking love music, okay?

Well, that's kind of sweet.

Till he punched one in the face. Uh-oh. That is not completely true.

Oh, forgot to mention that. There was a knife. I mean, it was fake.

This guy is the Jeffrey Dahmer of the stuffed animal world.

No, this guy. You should see what this guy--

Okay, shut up!

Oh, my God, I should be shot in the face for even thinking this, but...

I'm morbidly curious as to what you sound like.

Yeah, we're doing a Gloria Estefan meets GWAR thing.

[ Alex, Cassidy ] What? I'm kidding.

Are you guys for real? [ Jim ] Yeah, Cassidy.

Real as syphilis.

Okay, I'm gonna need you to stop talking to me now, Jim.

Okay? Talking to Alex.

- Hi. - Hi.

And you are doing this with him?

I-I-- Yeah, I guess so.

Okay. Be at the venue at 8:30. Don't be late.

I could kiss you right now. I could swing on you, Jim.

So help me God. Then I wouldn't kiss you.

Don't be late. [ Jim ] Good-bye.

[ Groans ] You all right, man?

[ Groans ]

Oh, I-- I can only see black and white.

What?

My eyes are refusing to see color. They're punishing me.

No, dude, you're just really pale. Look, can you see that red sign?

Oh, thank God. Oh, that--

"Live"? That sign says "live."

Are we supposed to do this thing live? How can they expect that?

That's not normal. Is that normal?

Back down. Head down. Oh, God. No, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

♪♪ [ Jukebox: Rock ] [ Customers Chattering ]

Hey, freaks.

Go ahead and put your stuff on stage.

- They have to set the mikes. - Now we're going to be miked?

- What's his problem? - Just pre-show jitters.

♪♪ [ Electronic Drumbeats ]

Hi. We're the Brooklyn Brothers.

[ Chattering ]

- ♪♪ [ Guitar Strumming ] - ♪♪ [ Keyboard Playing Chords ]

♪♪ [ Keyboard: Chords, Melody ]

♪ Julianne, you were commanding ♪

♪ The ocean's tide like the silver moon ♪

[ Together ] ♪ You are the gravity and the undertow ♪

♪ And you always know which way the current flows ♪

♪ And all the holidays we spent enraged ♪

♪ Were just a drip, drip telling of a tidal wave ♪

♪ Of things not said ♪

♪ And pasts not put away ♪

♪♪ [ Simple Melody ]

♪ I remember the days ♪

♪ When all I kept saying ♪

♪ Was don't be angry, baby Just, baby, don't be angry ♪

[ Together ] ♪ Don't be angry, baby Just, baby, don't be angry ♪

♪ Don't be angry, baby Just, baby, don't be angry ♪

♪ Don't be angry Don't be angry ♪

♪ But I won't say that anymore ♪♪

♪♪ [ Keyboard: Simple Melody ]

[ Cassidy ] Where the hell did you guys come up with that sound?

I mean, it's like nothing I've ever heard before.

It's, uh-- It kind of reminds me of something...

David Bowie would write when he was six.

Uh, thank you.

I think. [ Chuckles ]

You're an interesting songwriter.

Sad.

But interesting.

So you guys have a place to crash or what?

Forty-five. Forty-five dollars. Counted it three times. Boom.

[ Birds Twittering ]

[ Car Door Shuts ]

Morning. Whoa, nice panties.

Hey, what are you-- What are you doing with the bag?

Oh, I decided I'm coming with you. [ Chuckles ] Wait, what?

See, the crazy thing is, I've actually never been outside of Pennsylvania.

[ Chuckles ] Oh, except for this one time when I was 10...

and we went to New York on a field trip.

Anyways, I figured it's about time I start seeing stuff, you know?

Besides, you guys need me.

Okay, first of all, don't need you. Uh, we're fine on our own.

Secondly, not enough room in the car. And thirdly, you're not invited.

You absolutely need me. Uh, example one:

You guys have the networking skills of Helen Keller on acid.

Example two: Jim said you don't have enough gas money to make it halfway to the West Coast,

which I, of course, will help with.

And example three: You guys don't have any merch.

I mean, everyone knows you make all your money on tour...

with the merchandise you sell.

So I had the sound guy burn me a live copy of your set.

I've got about 30 blank CDs.

We can burn them on my laptop and sell 'em at the shows.

Hey, listen--

- Who is that? - Oh, that's Trout.

He's been letting me crash here for a while.

Jim has issues with people riding in his grandfather's car.

Well, Jim already said it was okay.

[ Jim ] I think it's a good idea.

[ Alex ] No.

You know, I'm sorry I have to be the bad guy here.

Cassidy, you seem very nice. Nothing personal.

It's just, um, you're a lovely girl-- [ Chuckles ]

in the purely platonic sense--

but this is a two-man tour, so--

No. Okay?

Done.

[ Cassidy ] All right.

Let's get to know each other.

Is it out of line to say that sounded like an invite to a threesome?

Okay, I'm gonna go first.

Alex, what's up with that note...

that Jim says you carry around in your pocket everywhere?

Really, man? What?

I didn't know it was, like, a personal note.

I thought it was just for your, like, bucket list or something.

Geez.

Okay, Jim, how about you go first?

Why do you live alone with your grandpa?

Why did you get booted out of your band?

Why did you get booted out of yours?

Why'd you punch a retarded kid in the face?

Why do you live in New Jersey? Why'd you punch a retarded kid?

Guys, wow.

Not what I meant.

Okay, Cassidy, why are you willing to get in a car...

and drive all the way across the country with two guys you don't even know,

one of which you can't stand,

and the other one obviously doesn't want you here?

Are you running away from something,

or are you just that bored?

All right, all right. Look, I'll go first.

[ Sighs ] Why do I live with my grandpa?

Easy. Answer: Jimmy Johnson.

- [ Alex ] Who's Jimmy Johnson? - A dog.

My grandpa had a tiny, gnarly, all-white dog who used to bite dicks named Jimmy Johnson.

Wait a second. You had a dog that used to bite dicks?

Yeah. Ruined so many parties when I was a kid.

It was always the same.

Jimmy would come around, sniffing someone's crotch,

which is not unusual.

But with Jimmy, if you didn't instantly slap his face...

hard enough to knock a kid off a bike,

he would take two sniffs-- [ Sniffs ]

[ Snarls ]

He'd sink his teeth a good inch into your urethra.

- No shit. - And Jimmy wasn't prejudiced.

He had no specific taste. He liked white dick and black dick.

And Asian dick. He fucking loved Asian dick.

And old man dick.

- But it was baby dick that finally did him in. - [ Cassidy, Alex ] No.

Don't worry, there's not some two-year-old eunuch running around...

thanks to Jimmy Johnson.

But I'm telling you, that kid must've had, like, steel-plated diapers,

'cause my neighbor said he saw Jimmy swinging that kid around...

for nearly 10 minutes straight.

What does Jimmy Johnson have to do with living with your grandpa?

Getting there.

After that, my family had an intervention forcing Gramps to put Jimmy down.

Only Grandpa threw a fit.

We had to have a cop there and everything.

My dad actually framed Jimmy Johnson's death certificate and hung it on our wall.

And after my grandpa's stroke, he just pretty much stayed in the house all the time.

One day, my dad came by, cooking him up some food.

Goes down into basement to grab something.

Who should launch himself at my father's crotch,

like a bolt of white lightning out of the darkness?

Good ol' Jimmy Johnson,

who's so feverishly starved for the taste of dick by this time,

that he knocked my father backwards at a shelf of my grandmother's preserves,

which came crashing down--

Fucking blam! Killed Jimmy right on the spot.

Dead, mid-feast.

But not without my dad having to get 15 stitches in his cock.

Jesus. I know.

My grandpa's a pretty complicated guy.

Or maybe not. Maybe he's just, like, really simple.

You know? He didn't want his dog to die.

It's not like he defended Jimmy ever.

He just said, "If everyone who should've been euthanized was euthanized,

there'd be nothing left but the trees."

I guess he thought even the meanest, craziest bastards deserve some looking after.

So I guess that's kind of what I'm doing with my grandfather.

My gramps is kind of my Jimmy Johnson.

- [ Alex ] What the hell? - Yeah, this is a really big venue.

How did you swing this, Jim?

What do you mean? We're huge in Tennessee.

So I'm assuming you saw the marquee.

Hey, thanks for calling about the new name.

We changed it right away.

Had to print new flyers, but it's-- it's cool. It's totally cool.

[ Man On P.A., Indistinct ] I imagine he's pretty decisive.

Yeah, he can be pretty annoying.

Check, one, two, two, two. Dressing room is right this way.

[ Mouthing Words ]

There's drinks, drinks. Snacks over here.

Couple more snacks in there. A few delivery menus over there.

If you guys need anything, just charge it to the club, okay?

- Is he here? - Oh, yeah. Yeah, he'll be here later.

Fuck yeah! Nice. [ Laughs ]

All right, so if you guys need anything, just let me know.

You got it.

Yeah. [ Chuckles ] Who is "he"?

Yeah, that's weird. That "he" stuff. I noticed that.

- Yeah, that's weird. - Jesus! Jim, what did you tell them?

Nothing. Nothing. You guys, I'm sure they treat everyone this way.

Jim? Yo, what's up?

Why does this flyer say "The Brooklyn Brothers,

featuring Scott Weiland from the Stone Temple Pilots?"

Oh! Yeah.

I might have said that Scott Weiland was in our band.

- [ Together ] What? - Don't worry about it.

I'll tell the truth later, after we play our set.

- You are crazy if you-- - Could we just-- Shh.

I don't want to fight with you. Could we just enjoy this for now?

[ Cork Pops ] Yeah!

[ Alex ] What are you doing? You're crazy.

I don't know, but I'm doing it.

Here you go.

This is very wrong.

- Probably. - Most definitely.

Fuck it. Let's do it. [ Cassidy, Jim ] Yeah!

♪♪ [ Rock, Muffled ]

[ Pounding ]

What can I do for you, young man?

[ Man ] Look, I don't know what's going on right now,

but you're supposed to go on in 20 minutes,

and my sound engineer says Scott Weiland was not at sound check,

and I'm absolutely positive he wasn't in the building.

I'd feel him.

So somebody better say what's up right now,

before I have these two gentlemen take you down to the boiler room and bury you.

- Sir, can I-- - Talk now!

Uh-- Damn it!

[ Roaring ]

What the hell are you doing?

He comes to me 12 months ago--

Twelve months ago.

He says "James"-- I hate being called James, and he knows that!

That should've been my first clue!

He says, "James, know what?

I've got an obsession with baby toys."

So what do I do? [ Laughs ]

I scour the earth,

looking for every baby toy instrument that I can find,

and I master every one of them.

Now this!

- I don't know what you-- - He's on the horse.

He's back on the horse like a nymphomaniac at a donkey show.

What?

He's using again?

Yeah.

Yeah, he called me 10 minutes ago...

from a farm...

up in-- up in Vermont.

And he says he's not going to make the show,

and he hopes that you can find it in your heart to forgive him.

And his final words were, "Peace...

comes from...

the detonation of whispers."

What the fuck does that even mean?

[ Sobbing ]

[ Jim ] I know. I know.

Yeah, I know.

Fuck!

Then he says that he wants us to go on without him.

[ Inhales Sharply ]

Oh, yeah.

That's not gonna happen.

[ Alex, Cassidy Scream ]

Yes! Jim, that was incredible.

I had no idea you were even capable of that fast of thinking.

Yeah, but we didn't get to play. That fuckin' sucks.

Yeah, but we sold all of our CDs.

And what do you guys say? Splurge on a motel?

Yeah, that's a good idea. I'm seriously-- I'm pretty drunk.

I don't think I should be driving. Okay.

[ Tires Screech ] [ Horns Honking ]

[ Grunts ] [ Knocking ]

Getting everything all squared away?

Oh, he's, uh, out like--

like a light.

Well, apparently we have a stowaway.

[ Cassidy Laughs ] ♪♪ [ Stereo: Dance Pop ]

Uh, uh, uh. I got it. I got it.

I got it.

See? I'm not so bad, right? [ Cork Pops ]

Everyone needs a thief around. Hmm?

- Admit it. - Admit what?

You're glad I'm here.

Uh, I'm still a little confused...

as to what you're doing with us here, to be perfectly honest.

Oh, my God, it really bothers you.

No. [ Chuckles ] No, it doesn't.

I'm sorry about before. I'm just--

You know what?

You were right.

I was bored with my life.

Yeah. I've always wanted to do something interesting.

And I was living with a guy for a while,

and then I woke up and realized I hated him.

What happened? He punched me in the face.

[ Groans ] Oh, no. No, it wasn't like that.

Jesus. It wasn't like that.

No, he had taken a bunch of acid...

and thought I was a velociraptor running straight towards him.

That happens. Yeah.

But it did make me realize that I was suddenly becoming...

everyone I grew up hating.

And it just hit me.

No pun intended.

Really?

You couldn't help yourself, could you? I'm sorry.

No, I-I, um--

No, I left home for kind of s-similar reasons.

I mean, not physical violence...

to my face.

[ Chuckles ] But, um, I don't know.

My parents had my brother...

at the normal age that people have kids,

and they had this normal life.

And then, like, 17 years later, there I come out of nowhere.

Total mistake.

But my parents are both born-again Christians so, you know--

So I ended up having these really old parents...

who were already kind of planning their lives, you know, after kids,

and they just, well, never really stopped.

So I'm 14. They leave me with my brother.

And my brother's amazing, but I'm this really weird kid...

that's-- that's being raised in this super normal...

conservative suburb in northern San Diego.

So he had his work cut out for him, you know.

I hear San Diego's beautiful.

Yeah. Not so much where I lived.

[ Laughs ]

No, it's this-- it's this weird fucking isolated world...

where-- where nothing ever changes.

I mean, not the haircuts, not the weather, nothing.

But I always felt like I was changing. You know?

Or at least-- at least in-inside, I was feeling erratic.

I remember the first moment...

I was in New York,

I felt like...

this is the first time in my entire life...

I've ever been somewhere where I felt like the--

the energy on the outside...

matched the way I felt on the inside.

I've never felt that.

I'm not gonna have sex with you.

What?

I mean, it's obvious that you have feelings for me,

and I'm not gonna have sex with you, so just get it out of your head.

What the hell are you talking about?

Whoa! What are you getting so excited about?

Look, I don't know what you're creating in your warped mind,

but I have a girlfriend, so--

so, you know, whatever reverse come-on thing you're doing here--

Does she know that?

Wow.

You really do have a boring life.

[ Door Closes ]

♪♪ [ Acoustic Guitar ]

♪♪ [ Keyboard ] ♪♪ [ Guitar Continues ]

♪ So you can take it if you want to ♪

♪ I know it's half your fun ♪

♪ To leave me hanging in a vacuum ♪

♪ No air and no one to love me ♪

♪ Someday, someday ♪

♪ I'll never come down ♪

♪ Someday, someday ♪

♪ I'll never come down ♪

♪ So you can take it if you want to ♪

♪ I know you've said good-bye ♪

♪ But love's a liar if it needs to ♪

♪ Hey, lover, could you love this lie? ♪

♪ Someday, someday ♪

♪ I'll never come down ♪

♪ Someday, someday ♪

♪ I'll never come down ♪♪

[ Alex ] Are we playing a frat house? [ Jim ] Nah.

Good.

Because those guys would take one look at your choice of instrument...

and start pissing on our faces.

It's not a frat house... exactly.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What is it, exactly?

It's the Theta Beta Potata house.

[ Man ] The Theta Beta Potata house has a long history of being awesome.

We're very proud of our lineage.

Jerry Lee Lewis,

Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake, Evel Knievel--

All lived here?

All are honorary Potata brothers.

- Because they lived here? - Because they were awesome.

Well, that-- that makes sense.

So, are you guys a three-piece?

No. I'm not in the band. Just these two guys in the band.

The two of us.

So, are you guys a two-piece?

I guess the real question is, do you have what it takes...

to be a member of the Theta Beta Potata brotherhood?

Oh, definitely. I'm gonna say no.

What's the matter with you? Let's not--

We do, and we're very excited.

So excited.

You guys are complicated. I like that.

How much are you getting paid for this?

- Oh, there's no money. - Ain't nobody gettin' paid.

Unless you count having the time of your lives as getting paid.

'Cause in that case,

you gon' be paid in full.

[ Giggles ]

♪♪ [ Rock ] [ Chattering, Laughing ]

[ Laughs ] Come on!

[ Man ] ♪ And you know ♪

♪ The city won't come undone, you know ♪

♪ But you play ♪

♪ Till we're all wrapped in flame ♪

♪ And the tracks ♪

♪ That we're all trying to cross ♪♪

[ Shouting, Cheering ]

♪♪ [ Continues, Fades ]

[ Woman ] ♪ And it sure seems strange to me ♪

♪ That the night sky ♪

♪ Has got a million crows' eyes ♪

♪ And there's murder ♪

♪ In the night ♪

♪ Do you smell the apple trees? ♪

♪ The ashen scent is sickly sweet ♪

♪ And now there's been a change in me ♪ She's good.

Yeah, she is. Really good. ♪ From my head down to my feet ♪

♪ 'Cause when the angels break your arms ♪

♪ That's enough That's enough ♪

You think she had a bunch of people telling her her whole life she could do anything?

♪ You know that heaven ain't coming ♪

Maybe. ♪ And the world is stumblin' ♪

Maybe they're all telling her she should major in international finance.

♪♪ [ Continues ]

♪ I got enough to fear ♪

Think she's told them to fuck off yet?

♪ Stand around me ♪

I hope so.

♪ I got enough to fear ♪

♪ Now don't you ♪

♪ Stand around me ♪

♪ I got enough to fear ♪

♪ Now don't you ♪

♪ Stand around ♪♪

Who is that?

That's Paco.

He's gonna play bass on our first song.

He doesn't even know our songs.

He said it was just two notes back and forth.

That is true. "E" and "A"?

I know them well. Okay, Paco, let's do it.

This song is for all the boys who like to dance with girls...

and girls who like to dance with boys.

Yo, why you gotta be racist? What about the boys who want to dance with boys?

This is for them too.

♪♪ [ Intro ]

♪ And I remember you said ♪

♪ "Let's run out through the lightning ♪

♪ We'll catch them before they touch down" ♪

♪ "Okay" ♪

♪ Is what I said ♪

♪ Thinking then that maybe ♪

♪ You were just too crazy ♪

♪ For me ♪

♪ So come on, girl ♪

♪ What can we bring ♪

♪ When you can't dance and I can't sing? ♪

♪ I've got this feeling we should both be reckless ♪

♪ 'Cause silence is a coward's game ♪

♪ So come on, girl Don't play that way ♪

♪ Give me one last chance ♪

♪ And I'll go away ♪

♪ We ran for that ladder's base ♪

♪ I said it's crumbling and it's breaking ♪

♪ Wobbling and it's shaking ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ You persisted like a thief ♪

♪ Knowing then that someday ♪

♪ We could say, hey, one day ♪

♪ We were kings ♪

♪ So come on, girl What can we bring ♪

♪ When you can't dance and I can't sing? ♪

♪ I've got this feeling we should both be reckless ♪

♪ 'Cause silence is a coward's game ♪

♪ So come on, girl Don't play that way ♪

♪ Give me one last chance ♪

♪ And I'll go away ♪

♪ And I'll go away ♪

- ♪♪ [ Vocalizing ] - ♪ 'Cause no one's flying ♪

♪ If their wings won't beat, no ♪

♪ And no one's crying ♪

♪ If they've never tried ♪

♪ At anything at all ♪

♪ And no one's dying ♪

♪ In this one-horse town ♪♪ [ Fades ]

[ Alex ] Jim.

Did we have sex?

No.

What are you doing here?

♪♪ [ Banjo ]

♪♪ [ Stops ] Fun night last night, huh?

Yeah.

You guys were cool.

Kind of a Shins-meets- Sesame Street sort of thing.

Did you see the girl that we came here with?

She got a ride from John John a few hours ago.

Did she say when they're coming back?

John John's been back.

Minus one passenger.

She took all our money, man. Everything.

What the fuck? I mean, what the fuck?

I'm sure she's planning to return it. How?

I mean, mail? Fucking courier pigeon?

[ Grunts ]

I don't get it. Yeah, that's a big surprise.

She fucking conned us, man. She robbed us.

We don't have a cent left, and we only have half a tank of gas.

I don't get it. Stop saying that.

Maybe we should sell some stuff. That-- You know, that's a great idea.

Um, do you have any of your Toys R Us receipts left?

No. Shit.

Oh.

[ Exhales ]

[ Horn Beeps ]

I've got an idea.

[ Alex ] This is ridiculous. ♪♪ [ Guitars Stop, Electronic Beat Continues ]

No one's listening.

♪♪ [ Beat Stops ]

- Maybe that's not the point. - I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.

Have you ever thought, like, for a second, maybe,

that-- that this is it?

This is it?

Let me think about that for a second. This is it, huh?

Yeah. Yeah. Maybe this is all it's ever gonna be.

I mean, you sing songs about moths.

[ Chuckles ]

Why do people fucking hate moths?

No, man, I fucking love moths,

'cause they're ugly.

Ugly little worm creatures that crawl into their cocoons...

with promises of metamorphosizing...

into, like, these beautiful butterflies.

But when they come out, they're still fucking ugly.

And now they're blind and they fly into lights and shit.

Those little dudes,

they keep on truckin'.

What the fuck are you talking about?

There are no free rides, man.

If we can't handle roughing it a little and carving our way out of here like--

like fucking old Apache warriors,

then what are we doing?

I mean, what the fuck?

'Cause to me, it seems like we are doing something...

that most people will never do in their entire lives.

Being homeless is not a goal of most people.

I think it is.

I'm not saying drunk, starving, piss-on-yourself homeless.

I mean people that sit at the same desk every day for eight to 10 hours a day,

and then they sleep for nine hours of that day,

and then they truly live their life for maybe, I don't know, five hours at the most.

I bet those people would love being here.

They would fucking love it not knowing what's coming around the corner,

not knowing what's coming next.

Bet they would love it.

[ Man ] Hey!

You boys looking for work?

I got about four cords of firewood needs to be broken up.

I'll pay you 50 bucks each.

How much is a cord?

[ Groans ]

[ Jim Exhales ]

What's up?

I think I'm done, man.

Done? What do you mean, "done"?

I think it's time for me to go home.

Going back? We're so close.

No, I'm not going back. There's nothing for me there.

But what about the battle of the bands?

I don't think I can win this alone.

You were never gonna win it.

We were never gonna win it. We don't win things.

I mean, how, at this point in your life, have you failed to grasp that?

You know what? [ Chuckles ]

You are a little bitch.

You're the one with the baby toys.

♪♪ [ Notes ]

[ Knocking ]

Brian!

Welcome home, little brother.

Sorry to put you in here, chief,

but we got people coming tomorrow after church, or you'd be on the couch.

- Are you sure you don't want to come? - He's into monsters, huh?

Yeah. I mean, he's not goth or Wiccan or anything like that.

He's actually read all the original novels--

Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, Bram Stoker's Dracula.

He's crazy smart. Reminds me of you.

Practically taught himself to read when he was three years old.

Writes these short stories too--

about this kid who skips second grade named Cannon...

who turns into a monster.

- Sounds pretty cool. - Yeah.

Except that three years ago his teacher recommended he skip second grade,

and now he doesn't have any friends, he sits alone at lunchtime...

and he writes stories with a main character named after a gun.

[ Chuckles ]

I'm thinking about taking him to therapy.

What do you think?

Aren't you telling him...

stories about God walking on water and raising the dead?

Don't. Okay?

I miss you like crazy, love you with all my heart,

but I'm not having you say fucked-up shit about the Bible to my kid.

Okay, buddy?

I miss you too, bro.

Let's have a beer. You can give me the scoop on the whole band thing.

You know what? I'm-- I think I'm just gonna pass out.

Okay. Glad you're here.

♪♪ [ Guitar Chord ]

[ Groans ] Oh, hey, Jackson.

[ Sniffs ] Um--

How do you write a song?

What?

I wanna write a song. How come?

Will you show me?

Um, I don't-- You know, I don't really know exactly how it works.

What do you want your song to be about?

I don't know.

It has to be about something.

Monsters.

I knew a guy that wrote songs about monsters once.

He was a total idiot.

Were his songs good? No, his songs sucked.

He probably just didn't understand monsters very well then.

I don't know. His songs sucked. I just-- I hated that dude.

What didn't he understand about monsters?

Well, monsters are usually more afraid of us...

than we are of them.

They think people hate them because they're different.

Did you know Frankenstein was a genius?

All the movies always make it look like he's really stupid,

but in the original book he's a genius,

but everybody's afraid of him so he always has to be alone.

Do you want it to be a human singing to a monster...

or do you want it to be, like, the monster's song?

I think it would be more original if it was the monster.

So let's set the scene.

♪ Turn your back 'Cause it's getting dark ♪

♪ You feel the hand ♪

♪ Reaching out ♪

♪ You hear the footsteps ♪

♪ Behind you ♪

♪ You try to run ♪

♪ But that's a mistake ♪

♪ And now I've got you ♪

Wait. I don't want the monster to be bad.

Oh, no, he's not. He's just, um--

No, he's just misunderstood.

That's the twist. You know?

Oh.

Okay.

You're really fast at writing songs.

I'm totally cheating. It's a song I already wrote.

I'm just kind of changing the words a little bit.

But you know what? I actually kind of like it better this way. It's less depressing.

Cool.

♪ You turn your back on me ♪

♪ It's always the same when you're everything ♪

♪ You killed the best in me ♪

♪ I'm dead and alive ♪

I don't really understand that part.

I kind of let the old song bleed into that a bit.

Um, anyway, so h-here's-- here's the chorus.

I'm gonna need your help.

So when I sing, ♪ So are you afraid? ♪

I want you to sing right after that,

♪ I'm not afraid of you ♪

So, what exactly is the twist?

Well, the monster tries to scare people...

before they run away themselves,

so he doesn't feel bad when they leave him.

Sounds about right.

Yeah, but this time, somebody comes along who's not afraid...

and who just-- just kind of takes him as he is, you know.

I like it.

Okay. You want to give it a go?

I'll try.

All right. I'm gonna go back a little bit.

♪ Turn your back 'cause it's getting dark ♪

♪ You feel the hand reaching out ♪

♪ You hear the footsteps behind you ♪

♪ You try to run, but that's a mistake ♪

♪ And now I've got you ♪

♪ You turn your back on me ♪

♪ It's always the same when you're everything ♪

♪ You killed the best in me ♪

♪ I'm dead and alive ♪

♪ So are you afraid? ♪

♪ I'm not afraid of you ♪ ♪ 'Cause I can't breathe ♪

♪ So are you afraid? ♪

♪ I'm not afraid of you ♪ ♪ 'Cause I can't breathe ♪

Nice.

♪ So are you afraid? ♪

♪ I'm not afraid of you ♪ ♪ 'Cause I can't breathe ♪♪

What the heck is going on in here?

You know, we were having a little trouble sleeping,

so we decided to sing each other lullabies.

We just realized right as you were walking in, like, how are we both--

how are we gonna sleep if we're both singing?

So we stopped.

Go to sleep. No more noise-- from either one of you.

[ Door Closes ]

[ Woman ] How great was Pat's sermon today, eh? [ Brian ] It was.

The man was so drunk on the Lord,

I was worried I was gonna get a paper cut flipping chapters so quick.

That's enough, sweetie. That's enough. He is amazing.

I've never met anybody with the knowledge of the Bible that he has.

So, Alex, what's your thing?

Uh, I'm a musician. No way.

You ever rock out for the Lord, Alex?

Actually, Brady, Alex here is the family's token liberal atheist.

So, Jacky, how do you feel about the end of school, huh?

You looking forward to junior high?

You picked your classes already?

Uh, yeah.

But I, um--

I might want to take, uh, music as my elective...

instead of pre-algebra.

But your counselor said if you take pre-algebra this year,

you can do calculus in high school.

You can still test into a higher math when you get to high school.

It's important to stick to plans.

Kind of sounds like you guys had a plan.

Seriously, Alex, it's... not your place.

What, so it's just you two versus him? I'm sure he'll win that fight.

Alex.

It's not like he just asked to take a class...

on 20th-century homosexual literature or something.

Okay, let's not say the word "homosexual" in front of my son. All right?

Dad, I know what a homosexual is.

No, you don't. [ Woman Sighs ]

We'll discuss this later. [ Laughs ]

He's just trying to take a music class, man. Why are you being such a fucking Nazi?

Outside. Now.

What are you doing, Alex?

Are you trying to get yourself kicked out of my home?

You mean our home, right? I mean, Dad left it to both of us.

Oh, you pay the property tax? You pay the mortgage?

Have you ever paid for anything in your life?

I've never asked you for anything, Brian.

Then what are you doing here, Alex, huh?

Look, I love you so much. I want you here.

But not if you're gonna mess with my kid.

Jackson has enough problems without getting advice...

from someone who clearly doesn't have a fucking clue what they're doing.

Kids are directionless at this age. They need guidance.

It's just a class.

No, it's not. It is not.

He is learning to make decisions between whims and goals.

Okay? Something you never learned to do.

Something that has cost you very dearly.

I messed up with you. I know that.

[ Sighs ] Do you want him to end up in the same position you're in?

Look, you need to take time, figure stuff out?

You're welcome here. My home is yours. Literally.

But if you think you're going to waltz in here and sleep through church...

and give us advice about the way we should live our lives, you're sorely mistaken, chief.

Hey, Brian.

Yeah?

How does it feel to be able to say exactly what you're trying to?

I don't know. I'm just protecting my family.

And that includes you.

[ Door Opens, Closes ]

[ Door Opens ]

You're leaving?

Yeah.

You didn't get very far.

What's that letter?

You know what, Jackson? I can't really talk right now.

It's a love letter, isn't it?

Oh, dear.

"Oh, dear" what?

Was the song supposed to be about her?

Didn't even really have to change many of the lyrics. It was weird.

Are--

Are you heartbroken?

You know, that is not something you're supposed to ask someone, Jackson.

Oh.

But are you?

I guess I tried to make her that thing, you know?

But we both knew it was wrong, and--

and she's just a little more brave than me.

But still, part of you is like, "What the fuck?" You know?

Thanks for talking to me.

It's nice.

I like talking to you.

Hey.

What?

It's not gonna always be like this, you know?

What isn't?

Pre-algebra.

Sitting alone at lunchtime.

I got spies.

Here's a fact.

The nerdiest kids in school--

10, 15 years out of high school,

they've got the hottest chicks, the biggest houses, the best lives.

But, you're gonna have to go through a little bit of hell first.

It's called paying your dues.

Were you a nerd?

Uh, you know what? I was more of a dork.

We're kind of the wild cards, you know?

We end up being, like, priests, or artists, or, like,

10th-level grand wizards to the elves in some make-believe video game world...

that we insist exists in another dimension.

It's a spectrum. It's, like-- It's a big spectrum.

What was my dad in school?

Your dad, he was--

What the hell?

Hey. What's up? I'm Cassidy.

No, no, no, no, no. Don't talk to him.

You're gonna confuse him with your nice tone, and he's going to think you're a nice person...

instead of a lying... trust rapist.

No, she's a con artist. Don't look her in the eye.

I can't help it.

I don't blame you for being mad.

Oh, I'm not mad. No, I'm-- I'm learned. I'm taught.

You taught me a very valuable lesson about trust and lying and soullessness.

So thank you.

I went back, Alex.

What are you expecting me to say?

I don't know.

I'm sorry, Alex. I got scared.

Is this the girl that broke your heart?

- Yes. - Absolutely not.

What are you doing here? How do you know where I live?

- Jim. - Oh, that fucking turncoat.

No. He was going to come here himself.

And then--

And then what?

Jim's grandpa died.

What?

Yeah. Last night, in his sleep.

Jim's really messed up about it.

He's headed home alone?

He's going to L.A.

What? Why?

He said he was doing it for his grandpa.

He said it would haunt him forever...

if he turned his back on what he loved.

He meant "haunt" too.

He said if anyone could come back, it would be him.

He kept saying something about a Green Beret?

Anyway, it gets worse.

Jim's show is in the Mercenary Riot.

What's the Mercenary Riot?

Bands like Marilyn Manson and Slipknot play in the Mercenary Riot.

[ Sighs ]

Brian, need your car.

What are you talking about?

- Jimmy Johnson. - Who?

He's a dog. He used to bite dicks. Besides the point.

What are you talking abou-- Wh-Who is this?

Brian, for the last year and a half, I have been dressing up...

in a skintight pink moose fleece...

and playing music in front of preschools and nursing homes and halfway houses...

and classrooms full of violent, knife-wielding, mentally handicapped people.

And I've also, for the last three years, been working...

at a very low-rung real estate office,

in which I've experienced some of the most gross, soul-crushing mediocrity...

that I think a person can experience.

But I do it,

because for one day a week, for about 20 minutes,

I get to get up on stage in front of six, seven people at the most,

and play my stupid little songs.

And to tell you the complete, honest truth,

as pathetic as it might seem,

it fills me.

And so I do.

And I have only met one other person in my entire life like that.

And, Brian, if you can get me to L.A. in less than three hours,

I will give you my half of the house.

I'll sign any paperwork you need me to sign.

I don't want your half of the house. I want you to have it.

It's not my home. It's yours.

We had selfish parents, man.

But you never were.

You always gave a shit. [ Laughs ]

And I always knew that you did.

So it's yours.

But we have to go right now.

I pawned my laptop.

And there's a little missing, but I have some ideas for a payment plan.

It's a five-step plan, actually.

So, Cassidy, you and Alex meet in New York?

[ Cassidy ] No. No, I'm not that cool.

I actually just hijacked his tour, had sex with him,

stole all of his money and left him for dead.

Yeah, that was pretty much it.

What's sex, Dad?

What?

I'm kidding. I'm just kidding, Dad.

Wait, no. Do you know or not?

Come on, Dad. I'm 10.

Tickets! Tickets! Anybody got tickets?

- You find a place to park. I'm gonna go find him. - Alex.

I'm on the show! I'm on the show! I'm on the goddamn show!

Are you guys deaf?

Why else would I be wearing this fucking awesome cape...

if I was not playing the show tonight?

Now show me the fucking list and I'll tell you which band I'm in!

You try and get inside again, I'm gonna rip your arms off...

and beat you to death with your own hands.

Yeah? Well, my own hands wouldn't fight against me, you stupid asshole.

Go!

Hey!

- Don't touch him! - You know this freak?

Do you two idiots have any idea who this is?

You just threw down Jim Jim,

the Norwegian schizophrenic musical child prodigy.

He doesn't have an accent.

Yeah, he was born without one. How fucking weird is that?

Do you know how old he is? He's 13 years old. He has a growth disease.

So unless you want to get charged with assault on a minor,

I strongly suggest you take Tweedle-fucking-dum here...

and get out of my face before I revoke your non-profit status...

and send some hard-ass motherfuckers down to refresh your memory.

- Our non-profit status? - Go!

- Just keep him out of the club! - Shame on you!

Shame on you!

- [ Chattering ] - [ Crowd Cheering, Faint ]

Nice cape.

If you'd given me 10 more seconds, I'd be in there.

I know. I got impatient. I'm sorry.

Hey, man, could I maybe get your autograph?

I've never seen a real schizophrenic before.

[ Jim ] Not right now, okay?

Not the right moment?

Please. Please go away.

♪♪ [ Rock, Faint ]

Sorry about your grandpa.

[ Sighs ]

For your head.

My grandpa would have gone back in there...

and carved his way back up to that stage like a samurai.

Not if he knew what I know.

What's that?

That this is it.

What do you mean? What's "it"?

This.

Look at these people.

They're the scraps.

Holy shit. You're right.

And if you really think about it,

if the battle was about us getting to play for this weird-ass group of people,

we totally beat everyone.

I mean, that's just math.

♪♪ [ Keyboard: Electronic Beat ]

♪♪ [ Keyboard: Notes ]

♪ Well, I don't know how long ♪

♪ It's gonna take me ♪

♪ To swim across the ocean ♪

♪ But I figure it might take days ♪

♪ And I don't know how tired it's gonna make me ♪

♪ But I figure it'll be okay ♪

♪ I am only sure ♪

♪ Of one thing now ♪

♪ I am only sure ♪

♪ Of one thing now ♪

♪ That the waves ♪

♪ That crash against New York ♪

♪ Will echo back ♪

♪ To the Emerald Isles ♪

♪ And the waves ♪

♪ That crash against New York ♪

♪ Will echo back ♪

♪ To the Emerald Isles ♪♪

♪♪ [ Mouth Organ: Solo ]

♪♪ [ Continues ]

♪♪ [ Fades ]

So how much money we got left?

Just enough to get us to the next gig.

I'm gonna make us some homemade T-shirts we can sell.

We just have to steal 'em from Walmart first.

Hey, you can use this one if you want.

Thanks, Jim, but I'm pretty sure we want people to buy the T-shirts.

[ Jim ] Did I tell you guys I sold my blood for gas money on the way out here?

Cassidy has a five-step plan to pay us back.

That's right. Oh, yeah? What's the first step?

Uh, it's kind of complicated.

I should probably just demonstrate.

Jim. Wheel.

Oh, great. Hi.

Hey.

Oh, brother.

Ah, for crying out loud.

Yeah, you know, you stole-- you stole from me too.

I'm just saying, you did.

She did.

♪♪ [ Banjo ]

♪ We all ran faster than the aeroplanes ♪

♪ In a time when distance was everything ♪

♪ We all swam faster than the submarines ♪

♪ And the lesson learned still tastes of tangerines ♪

♪ We all came out to seize the day ♪

♪ We raised our arms, raised them all the way ♪

♪ We aimed our ladders toward the sky ♪

♪ We brought the machinery out ♪

♪ We brought the machinery out It's true ♪

♪ And you did too ♪

♪ Who were we to see ourselves outside the race ♪

♪ And winning wonders were such accolades ♪

♪ Who were we to burst that bubble's perfect face? ♪

♪ When no one knew the danger we all face ♪

♪ We all came out to seize the day ♪

♪ We raised our arms, raised them all the way ♪

♪ And we aimed our ladders ♪

♪ Toward the sky ♪

♪ We burned the machinery down ♪

♪ We burned the machinery down It's true ♪

♪ And you did too, oh, oh ♪

♪ And you did too, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, it's true ♪

♪ You did too ♪

♪ Oh, it's true ♪

♪ You did, you did ♪

♪ You did too ♪

♪ Oh, it's true ♪

♪ You did too ♪

♪ You did too ♪

♪ You did too ♪

♪ You did too ♪

♪ You did too ♪♪

One, two. One, two, three, four.

♪♪ [ Pop ]

[ Woman, Man ] ♪ Hey, Captain ♪

♪ Are you listening now ♪

♪ To what's being said? ♪

♪ 'Cause we are lost without you ♪

♪ And this we know for sure ♪

♪ It's full steam ahead ♪

♪ And we were waiting for the message ♪ ♪ And time ♪

♪ That we mailed across the ocean for you ♪ ♪ Keeps floating by ♪

♪ And then the message said ♪ ♪ To bring us back home ♪

♪ That we'll be coming home ♪ ♪ And we'll be waiting for you ♪

♪ Someday ♪ ♪ And we'll be waiting for you ♪

♪ Better count your horses ♪

♪ You will never go far enough ♪ ♪ I heard them say ♪

♪ And there's never gonna be a better ending ♪

♪ I heard them say ♪ ♪ You will never go far enough ♪

♪ And there's never gonna be a better ending ♪♪

Closed-Captioned By Captions, Inc., Los Angeles