Bridget Jones's Baby (2016) Movie Script

Happy birthday to me.

How in hell did I

end up here again..

Fuck off.

My birthday actually began

the way of all my birthdays.

Hello darling. Just ringing

to wish you a happy birthday.

Mom? It's six a.m.

I'm doing the FaceTime.

Una taught me. It's really marvellous.

Mum, the point of FaceTime is that you

haven't got to put the phone to your ear.

Oh, please..

Oh, there you are.

This time, 43 years ago...

I was having a lamb beriyami in an

attempt to coax you out.

23 hours of labour.

Never been the same down there.

It's a miracle, the gift of childbirth.

- Here it comes.

Penny Husband-Bosworth's son

sells his sperm on the internet.

You don't need a man, Bridget.

Some people have marvellous lives

without them. Look at you.

Nice flat, lovely job...

Nice flat...

- I'm putting the phone down now, mum.

Say happy birthday to Bridget.

Colin?

Happy birthday to Bridget.

Thank you.

I love you darling. Now don't forget...

I'm counting on you to head up

my media campaign.

It's the parish council elections, mum.

Not the US primaries.

The annual phone call from mum reminding

me to take my ovaries out of retirement.

The truth was that by now I thought

I would have had a little baby to love

with the chisel jawed love of my life.

But sometimes life gives

you shallower compensations

and at least I was finally down

to my perfect weight.

Good morning, Ms. Bridget.

You look beautiful again today.

There was life in the old dog yet.

Haven't exactly been put out to grass.

Hah! Ding dong..

But this year all these things

were brought into sharper focus...

by an event I hadn't expected

to attend quite so soon.

Hi.

So how are you feeling?

Are you ok?

Mm. Yeah.

I just can't believe he's gone, really.

His death seems to have

hit the eastern European

teenage modelling community

particularly hard.

They found the flight recorder

but still no bodies.

Strangely fitting that he should

have died going down in the bush.

We are gathered here

to celebrate the life...

of Daniel Vivian Cleaver.

Daniel was a kind and wonderful son...

Fuck. What the fuck is he doing here?

You know what he's like,

wanting to do the decent thing.

Is that his wife?

Did I ever get over losing Mr. Darcy?

Was he my Mr. Right?

Oh Christ.

A man of outstanding charm and charisma.

Just a bit emotional.

- I would like to invite his loved ones up...

to share some of their memories of Daniel.

Daniel could be very sensitive ...

Make you feel like you were

the only woman in the world.

I first met Daniel in Moscow.

He once took me rowing on the

Serpentine and quoted Keats by heart.

He could quote Keats by heart.

- Where be ye going,you Devon maid.

And what have you there in the basket?

- Where are you going, you Devon maid.

And what have you there in the basket?

You tight little fairy,

just fresh from the dairy.

Will you give me some cream if I ask it?

He did it to everyone.

Anybody else like to say a few words?

Say something for his mum.

Come on.

Daniel was a man ...

who touched many of us here today,

including me.

Oh dear.

This is when Daniel would say,

"Shut up, Jones."

And he would be right,

because all I really need to say is...

Dear Daniel, I will miss you terribly.

We all will.

Give you a call?

- Yes very good. Bye bye.

Bridget.

- Mark.

This is Camilla.

- Hello.

Bridget, an old friend.

Well, less old, more childhood.

So...

Nice memorial, as memorials go.

Almost makes one look

forward to one's own.

Yes, well...

Goodbye.

- Goodbye.

Maybe that's the reason Mark

Darcy and I never made it.

I always felt like a verbally incontinent old maid,

even when we were together.

Still, I wasn't going to

dwell on the negatives.

At least no-one at work

knew it was my birthday.

Or indeed, how old I was going to be.

Surprise.

Congratulations, Bridget.

Or so I thought.

Who told you?

It's so hot. So many candles.

Isn't there some sort of statute

of limitations about the

number of sodding candles on a cake

once you get to a certain age?

Josh, I need you to see what Reuters

is saying about the attacks on Ramallah.

We might need a live link. And Laura...

I may have been another

year older and still single...

but I could always take consolation

in my job as top news producer.

So, how will I be changing

the world today?

Well, our main feature is the

exclusive interview...

with the Foreign Secretary about NGochi.

Oh, gee. How did you do that?

- NGochi.

NGochi.

- You're good at that.

I know. I've been practising. NGochi.

It's harder than you think.

Plus, have great new 30

something work colleagues

who are not obsessed with

children and marriage.

How do we plan on celebrating tonight?

Well, night out with the gang.

- Please say that involves group sex.

Gangbangs?

Ooh, we'd like to do that.

I know a smashing little club

in the back of Berwick Street.

Chance would be a fine thing.

I'm beginning to think I'm

past my sexual sell by date.

No. There are names for women

like you now, Bridge.

You're a cougar. You are a MILF.

I'm not a MILF, I'm not even a mum.

I am a spinster, I'm a SPILF.

Three minutes 'till we're on air.

- It's called Voyeurz with a 'z'.

You tell them that Cathy sent you.

If you go on a Thursday there's a Chinese buffet.

All you can eat, as it were.

But whose advice was, never the less,

sometimes a tad too modern for me.

It's me, checking talk-back.

- Yep.

You didn't freeze your eggs

by any chance, did you?

No, I imagine they're

hard boiled by now.

You know what, Bridge? This weekend...

you and me need to go out,

and get stuck into some serious...

"Binge drinking, a dangerous scourge on society."

Is new legislation needed?

Bridget, Miranda, I've told you,

don't talk between the bongs.

Stick to the questions on the cue cards.

Miranda. Cue.

The Foreign Secretary will

be live in the studio...

to talk about the looming

crisis in Muribundi.

You can always try online dating again.

The other night I was on Tinder.

Half an hour later I'm having a 3-way with...

Prince Andrew, the Royal Special

Representative for Trade and Investment...

He did that on purpose.

...has just written his first children's book.

He had a massive cock.

Live in the studio I'm joined by

Foreign Secretary George Wilkins...

who has just returned from

war ravaged Muribundi...

Miranda, I'm in your ear.

Just follow my lead.

... Where the assassination of

bloody dictator Charles NGochi...

has resulted in civil war.

- One shot, come back to four. Four.

Minister, was this a military coup?

- Well, the signs are that NGochi's

own generals did take him out...

Hi, Tom. I can't talk.

How was Daniel's memorial?

- It was just sad.

I can't believe he's gone.

It's sad.

I can't believe he's gone, actually.

Ah... I don't think there was any

particular sadness in his passing.

His persecution of the Ubuntu

people amounted to genocide.

And that is well documented.

- I know he had his flaws.

Well, I know he had his flaws.

- He could be a massive asshole.

He could be a massive asshole.

But I miss him. We all do.

- But I miss him. We all do.

Well, he was certainly a very colorful

character on the world stage Miranda...

I grant you that, but I think the genocide...

resulting in the deaths of over 10,000 of his

own people, men, women and children...

probably rather put him on

the wrong side of history.

At least he was never boring.

Well, at least he was never boring.

One, two, three clear.

Do you think a spirit of democracy can

carry over into West Africa...

Now that's NGochi's dead?

Do you think, minister,

that the spirit of democracy can

carry over into West Africa

now that NGochi is dead?

Well now, that is an interesting question.

Finally.

We're running out of time.

- Miranda, wrap it up.

Briefly, please, Minister.

- Well it is a complicated issue.

A 'yes' or a 'no'.

Miranda, make it the last answer.

- Let's hope so.

I'll take that.

Thank you for joining us on the sofa today.

Over to you, Toby.

Thank you, Miranda, Bridget.

You couldn't just behave yourselves when

the new management team were here?

They're the new management team?

That is Alice Peabody,

new brand manager.

Apparently 'Hard News' is too old fashioned,

too serious...

and she is the smiling assassin, brought

in to sack anybody older than her.

Everybody's older than her. I've got tins

of soup in my cupboard older than her.

Look at them all. With their

apps and their ironic beards

Maybe one of them could

get Bridget some sex.

What?

- Bridget? Do you need sex?

No.

- Yes.

That's why I'm taking her on an a girls

weekend to beat all girls weekends.

Bridget, isn't it?

Yes, nice to...

- Team meeting tomorrow morning.

We can do introductions then.

Nine a.m.

We should all start an

hour earlier from now on.

Do you think she saw that?

- Quite possibly not.

And you're sure you don't want to

come out with me and my crew?

Thanks, but can't let the old gang down.

They're stay at home moms now.

They'd be disappointed.

Thank God for the gays.

Now, whatever fears you're

bringing in the room with you today...

I want you take those fears and I want

you to tell them to fuck the fuck off.

Yeah!

Are you ready for this?

- Yes.

Then ride, you sexy bitches! Ride!

Look, I'm so sorry, Bridget, but I'm actually

going to have to blow you out too.

I didn't want to have to tell you this today,

but Eduardo and I are adopting.

Adopting?

What, a baby?

- Yes, a baby.

Or gayby, in our case.

That's fantastic news, Tom.

I'm going to Bogota tomorrow to start

the paperwork so I've got to go and pack.

Wonderful, go.

Happy Birthday. Have fun.

Congratulations.

- Thank's darl.

Fucking excellent.

And that was how I wound

up back here again.

The last barren husk in London...

and of the two loves of my life,

one is married and the other is dead.

Right, new birthday resolutions.

I, Bridget Jones am done

with affairs of the heart...

and dedicating my autumn

years to the pursuit of hedonism.

Will hang only with new free

spirited friends like Miranda...

and when the going gets tough,

the tough go on a luxury spa weekend.

What the fuck.

Love the shoes.

I didn't tell you, because

you wouldn't have come.

Seriously, it's been five years.

You've gotta shake yourself out of this

self imposed purge you've been in...

ever since you split up with your

precious Mark Darcy.

Rubbish.

I barely think of him.

What you need is a good shafting.

You need some good old fashioned,

lie back and think of England bonking...

and festivals are sexual free for alls

like Sodom and Gomorrah with tofu.

First man you meet you've

gotta sleep with.

The first man?

I'm not taking no for an answer.

I'm gonna find our backstage passes.

You get the maps.

Maps.

I may be old and inappropriately dressed,

but at least I look fucking amazing.

That's exactly why I didn't wear my heels.

Ding fucking dong.

May I?

Thank you.

It fits.

Bridget.

Is that your wicked stepmother?

- Yes.

I better go before she has me

sweeping fireplaces all day.

Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Ah ha. Birthday resolution number two.

Must remember the way to a man's heart

is not through beauty, sex or love...

It's Jack.

but merely the ability to

fall arse over tit in the mud.

By the way.

Right.

Which one's ours?

- Let's try up here.

And anyway, it's not camping,

it's glamping.

Putting a G L in front of it

doesn't make it any better.

Calling him Gladolf Hitler wouldn't suddenly

make you forget all the unpleasantness.

Oh... fuck me!

NGochi.

It's 2:30 in the afternoon.

I should be Hoovering.

This is incredible.

We've got to get a photo.

Excuse me?

Do you mind if we ask you

to take a photo of us?

Yeah, sure.

- Thank you.

Alright. Are you ready?

Hey. What're you doing?

I was taking your photo.

I thought you guys wanted a photo.

- Yeah, we do. Of us.

Yes. Terribly sorry. We thought it'd

be really fun to get a photo of us...

backstage among all these glamorous people.

I think that's the guy from 'Bargain Hunt'.

It'd be great if you could get him in the shot.

- Quick. Quick.

So you don't want me in the photo at all?

- No, and you can lose the attitude, babe.

Is it really that difficult?

They let any old riff-raff backstage nowadays.

I don't know. I thought he was

kind of cute. He looks familiar.

I think he works

at the Starbucks at Balham.

One, two, three, singing.

Oh my God.

I know. It's the guy from Starbucks.

Crowdsurfing.

Miranda.

Miranda?

Hey, Miranda.

Oh, God.

I have to admit, that was fun.

And you're right ...

What I need is a good shafting...

some good old-fashioned,

lie back and-think-of-England...

bonking.

Well, sign me up.

Oh my God.

What are you doing in my yurt?

With all your clothes, and

luggage and possessions.

Yeah, it's as if I've come in,

made it my own.

Wait, it's you,

the creature from the Black Lagoon.

Yes. Sorry.

You don't really expect me to believe that you

accidentally crashed into my yurt, do you?

Since you're here, maybe I can help you.

Well, he is the first man I met...

and his yurt is one heck

of a lot nicer than mine.

Bridget, where the fuck are you?

Bridget, I'm so pissed.

Bridget.

I'm zorbing with Ed Sheeran.

Oh, God.

I just slept with a complete stranger.

I'm nothing but a feckless prostitute.

No, no. I'm an elegant older woman

taking men for my own pleasure.

Or am I just a deluded middle-aged fool?

Oh, fuck it.

Miranda?

Good morning.

So it lasted six hours?

What lasted six hours, mum?

A puppet show that Auntie Bridget went to.

A six-hour puppet show?

- Hello.

Tell me, were they little puppets or...?

Very nice size puppets.

And did he...

put his puppet in your mouth?

God! I feel like my days

of puppet shows are behind me.

I've had finger puppets.

And has he called?

- It doesn't work like that any more.

You just hook up with rugged

troubadors at music festivals...

and there are no strings.

Puppets with no strings.

Take the wings off.

They're for little girls.

Hello?

- Where the fuck are you?

Speeding through lovely countryside

on our way to your christening.

No we're not.

Why is auntie Bridget lying?

Bridge, I thought you should

know after Tom dropped out...

Giles asked Mark to be the godfather.

- What?

He did what?

Yes I know. He really

is a useless cock.

Did it without asking me.

Oh my God. Mark Darcy again.

Twice in the space of a week I turn

up at church as rent-a-spinster.

Where the fuck were you?

Sorry.

Good morning and welcome.

Well, this isn't embarrassing at all.

Mark Darcy and I at the altar with a baby.

That's lovely.

Ok, now, nice big smiles.

Look at me. Thank you.

Lovely.

Ok, can I just get

the godparents now please.

How are you?

- Very well, thank you. How are you?

Well, thank you.

Mm.

Are you here with your wife?

I can't remember her name...

Camilla. No, eh, no, she couldn't make it.

Are you here with anyone?

- No, no. Not today, no.

Come on, it's not a funeral.

Can I get a couple of

smiles out of you two, please?

Maybe give her a little kiss

you know, on the forehead, there.

Ah, I was talking about the baby.

Lovely.

Alright. I'll see you later,

shouldn't wonder.

Yes, unless I make a break

for it with this thing.

Could this day actually get

any more awkward?

Just keep walking, keep walking,

keep walking. Keep walking.

Hello.

- Hello.

How are you?

- Very well, thanks.

How are you?

- I'm fine.

So am I.

Well, goodbye.

- Goodbye.

A glass of wine.

- A whiskey, please.

Big, big glass.

- Double.

Thank you.

I'd ask you to join me, but I'm pretty sure

you're not a big Gangnam Style kind of guy.

I was only there very briefly.

- Where?

Gangnam.

What are we talking about?

- Gangnam, dancing.

Not the suburb of Seoul?

- No.

I'm not familiar with Gangnam, the suburb.

- It literally means south of the Han River.

It was inhabited as early as

the Paleolithic period.

Suddenly seems so much less catchy.

Now something for you lovers out there.

We are entering the erection section.

Don't say fucking erection at a christening.

Would you like to get some air?

I mean, some more air.

Sure.

I don't suppose you happen to have a cigarette?

- No.

I gave up 1891 days ago.

Not that people're counting.

Since when did you smoke?

- I don't.

It's been a tense time.

Maybe I'm nervous.

Why?

You have a train in your hair.

I'm aware of that.

Courtesy of one of my many godchildren.

Seems to be stuck.

And this would be...

Cake?

- Profiterole.

That's technically more of

a dessert, I suppose.

What're you doing? You're married.

- No, I'm not.

I mean, I'm getting a divorce.

That's why she's not here.

Why were you together

at the memorial?

She was just being supportive.

She's gone back to The Hague,

where she's now living, and I'm not.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Mark.

At this precise moment I'm not sorry at all.

How the fuck am I supposed to get in here?

Again?

Mr. Darcy, wow.

Bridget?

God, I've missed you.

Are we on schedule?

I have a flight to Khartoum tomorrow.

I'm so sorry, Mark. Had to leave.

It probably sounds pathetic,

but I got scared.

The fact that we went 'round and 'round

for the best part of ten years...

without ever making it

across the finish line leads me to think...

we did the best thing

by ending it when we did.

Sometimes it feels scary

still being on my own at 43.

But you and I have been here once before.

We always loved the fantasy of us...

But the reality,

as we both know, is quite different.

We could both come up with a 100

reasons why we didn't make it...

but in the end I always felt that you were

never there and I was mostly alone.

No, can't go back and keep

making same mistakes.

Must keep moving forward

and make new ones.

And will lodge myself into

frenzied keep fit regimes.

And allowing 4 weeks to reduce

thighs circumference...

to squeeze largy ass into

teenage skinny jeans...

Obviously not meant

for women of a certain age.

All this bloody cycling is pointless.

I'm putting on weight.

Let's rule out some of the other options, shall we?

You're not pregnant, are you?

Of course not.

A lady is always prepared and

I always carry these in my handbag.

Oh, God! You didn't use those,

the vegan condoms?

Biodegradable and dolphin friendly.

If I'm going to be slutty, it's nice

to think I'm helping the environment.

Christ, Bridget.

I remember when you bought those.

That was decades ago.

Sell by dates don't mean anything.

Do they?

They were a gift. Don't ask.

Tumbling rapids,

frothing waterfalls...

babbling brook.

Oh, come the fuck on, Bridget.

How long do you think it takes?

I think that's a positive result.

Pregnant

I'll just make sure.

- Don't shake it.

You'll hurt the baby.

- The baby is not in the stick.

I think this is when you're meant to...

jump for joy.

Oh my God.

- You're pregnant.

I'm pregnant.

- You're pregnant.

I'm pregnant.

- You're going to have a baby.

I'm going to have a baby.

- Yes.

If you've got footage of her

punching a horse, I want it.

Bridget, do you want a baby?

- I don't know.

I mean, I'm 43.

It might be the only chance

I'm going to get.

One broken, out of date condom I might

have believed was an acciddent.

But two?

You wanted it.

Maybe I did.

Can we get a medic please?

Oh my God. I'm pregnant.

This is it.

More to the point, whose is it?

This is not how I thought

this moment would be.

I always imagined myself in 'OK!'

magazine with the man of my dreams.

Oh Christ! Too many dilemmas to ponder.

Not least of all...

Who was that man I shagged in a tent?

And so you're age will be 43?

So, umm...

Which of the times with my wonderful

man do you think we got pregnant on?

Does it matter?

Well, yes, it's such a special moment.

We'd like to know which one

it is so we can treasure it.

Can't you treasure both of them?

- Yes, we will, we do.

But surely one of those days is

more likely than the other?

Well, actually, day 10, which was

his birthday, is a little early.

And day 16 which was the...

- Anniversary dinner.

Oh yes, the Osso Buco, I recall,

is a little late.

Are you sure there wasn't another

treasurable occasion in between?

Yes, I'm quite sure.

He was away.

So which of the two would you go for?

Couldn't say. They're both equally likely.

It could have been after the event.

Because as you know, sperm can live

for several days after ejaculation.

Couldn't you just have a guess for me?

- No.

What about the first scan?

Would that show when conception took place?

No. Ring this number to fix a date.

And do bring along the father,

if you can work out which one he is.

Right.

Just out of interest... If someone did have an

element of confusion about the father...

Well, you can get a DNA sample at the

amniocentesis, and I do recommend that you have

the amniocentesis, because there are

always more risks with a geriatric mother.

Geriatric?

Hmm.

That's outrageous.

- Indeed.

Unless you can sign on for your child

support and pension at the same time.

That's hilarious.

It's called "news"

'cause it should feel new.

Otherwise, it be called "olds".

Sorry.

Last night. Top stories.

Earthquake in Asia, seen it before.

Car crash on the M5...

Blah blah blah

We're making 'old's.

We need to flip the switch, mix it up.

I want a new triple on the shit out.

- She's on the warpath.

Susan, the floor manager's gone.

- She's six months pregnant.

We've got to grab the attention,

get the eyes on the screen.

I want to see headlines like:

"Is Your Sofa Bed Giving You Cancer?"

"Is Your Freezer Giving You Alzheimers?"

- Oh my God. Are they?

Literally no evidence whatsoever, but you're

missing the point. You're intrigued, aren't you?

I want to reload 'Hard News'

with a clear new objective.

We have a presentation in twelve

weeks at the London Media Show...

and I'm looking for someone dynamic,

innovative, focused...

to lead the charge. Any volunteers?

Whatever happens now,

must hold on to job.

Must prove to fascist boss

that I may be single mother...

but am willing to roll with the

ironic bearded hipsters.

Anybody at all?

Do you need to leave, Bridget?

- No, I want to volunteer.

Hashtag: "Let's do this!"

It's me. Turn on your TV now. Look at your TV.

Now. Now. Now. Turn on Channel 4.

Bridget, I've found him.

He's the dating website guru.

See, you have to trust the science.

Algorithms don't lie.

You slept with a fucking billionaire.

So, tell us, Bridget.

What was it that initially attracted you

to the billionaire Jack Qwant?

Was it his face, or his body? Big dick?

- I'd do it with him, obviously.

If I were you I wouldn't tell either of them.

All you need is a DNA sample from one of them and then

you can eliminate the other one from your enquiries.

What would I say to Mark?

"Hello Mark, I know I just left you asleep...

but do you have any blood,

sperm or old fingernails lying around? "

How do you even get in touch with Jack?

Yeah.

He is a bloody mogul.

Can't just ring him up.

I may have just figured out how

to win favour with new boss...

and eliminate one father from my enquiries.

I have to say, Bridget,

I'm actually excited by this next guest.

Relevant, relatable, extremely fuckable.

Good work.

Welcome to CSI Hard News.

Thank you my love. If you could

just fuck off that'd be great.

Jack, this is Cathy. She'll get you ready.

Hi, Cathy, nice to meet you.

-I was thinking, just a simple magenta eyeshadow...

to make your eyes pop

and a little bit of rouge, maybe?

Kidding.

- You funny.

You do happen to have

a little stray gray hair.

Oh, Jesus.

- That's it.

Actually, there's a whole gray patch.

Shall I just... let me see?

Yes, my hair is full of gray hair.

- Well, that's sorted.

Jesus Christ.

- All gone, that's lovely.

These fingernails on this silver fox could

do with a bit of a trim, couldn't they?

These hands haven't experienced

much manual labour, have they?

No, I'm a mathematician.

- They're silky soft.

Tell me, Jack. Do you happen

to like Chinese food?

Jack, let me take you to the set.

Great, thank you. I do sometimes. Thank you.

I don't think she put any makeup on me.

- It's fine. You're looking radiant.

Ok, coming out of ET in five, four...

And remember the gear change.

And Miranda, cue.

- Now, though, I'm joined by Jack Qwant.

Raised by a single mother in Baltimore,

he created the matchmaking website Qwantify...

and he claims to have found

an algorithm for love.

And he's here today to tell us all about his

number one bestseller Qwantum Leap '.

It is absolutely wonderful to have you on our sofa today.

- Thank you. It's great to be here.

Now, we'll talk all about your new book soon, obviously.

- Yes. But first let's talk about romance.

Qwantify has found

true love for millions.

Monitor two.

- Does it work for you?

Now if I answer that can we

go back and talk about the book?

Maybe.

Can you please try not

to shag him on air?

This is dynamite.

Tell her to flirt with him more.

Some people had their first

crush on Farrah Fawcett.

My first crush was an algorithm.

- And we've lost him.

If he carries on talking about algorithms I'm

putting to the VT of cats who look like Hitler.

Back to four. Love it.

He's avoiding the question.

Get him off maths.

Ask him if he's with someone now.

For someone so good at match-making...

is there a special someone in your life?

Apart from Lady Mary on 'Downton Abbey'?

Now can we go ahead and talk about the book?

Cue the Hitler cats.

- Don't be evasive.

Well, don't be evasive.

It's apparant you have everything.

Why have you chosen to have no family?

Why the decision to have no family?

- No children.

And no children?

Brilliant. Zoom in on four.

And in on four.

- Love it.

Look, I love kids...

but I've always found the idea of being

a father myself kind of petrifying.

Which is why I've been drawn to algorithms.

- Cue the Hitler cats.

They're rational, reliable,

predictable, everything a kid isn't.

So, can you have children?

- Can you have children, though?

Are the soldiers working?

- Are the soldiers working?

Well I believe so.

The barracks are in pretty regular use.

Really? - Really?

- Yes.

Because for someone with a

supposed algorithm for love...

Isn't it odd that you've never found it?

Well, I think in order to find something

you have to be actively looking for it.

I've just been too busy; I haven't...

What about the Qwant family bloodline?

- And what about the Qwant family bloodline?

Are there any skeletons in the closet?

- Sexual deviants? - Sexual deviants?

Sorry, I don't know where

we're going with all of this...

but I have to tell you, I can attract

the wrong type of women.

That's really great.

Thank you for sharing that with us.

Bridget, what are you doing?

You wouldn't believe some of the

weirdos that cross my path.

Really?

- Get up.

Can you tell me what she's doing?

Ask him something about algorithms.

- Have to be the last question. Have to be.

Lastly, algorithms.

- Yes.

What first attracted you to them?

- The logic and...

Wonderful, Jack Qwant,

thank you for coming on my sofa.

I hope you've had as much fun as I have.

- Jesus.

That's it from me. Goodbye.

That was great.

- You look really familier, outside of being on the show.

Are you on Tinder?

- What?

Then we won't have met.

- No, okay.

Well hey, how about seeing you here.

- Hi.

Great to see you.

- Good to see you too.

I was going to come and find you to say hello,

but you know how live TV can be, so chaotic.

Well, you know, there are easier ways to get in touch

with me without inviting me on national TV...

and asking me about my sperm.

- What? No, that's not what...

I would've liked to have heard from you.

I was disappointed when I came

back that morning, and you were gone.

You were?

- We had an amazing night.

And I thought you were great.

At least I did until I became a clip...

of the 15 most embarrassing chat

show moments of all time.

Really sorry about that. Yes that...

I don't know how to explain.

I'm pregnant.

- Wow. Okay.

It's so much better than you

being mentally unbalanced.

I'm about twelve weeks.

Oh. Right. Wow.

So you mean that... it's the music festival?

- Yes.

I know, it's quite a surprise.

Yes but...

I'm fine, and umm...

you should know that...

I don't... I'm not looking for

anything from you.

Except for a complete DNA check and a

review of my medical records.

Well, the thing is, I didn't mean

for you to find out about this.

And, umm, I'm feeling a bit foolish.

Mortified, actually. Yes, mortified.

I'd like to just retreat, gracefully?

Mr. Qwant, will you sign my book?

Oh God. I didn't even tell him that he

may not be the only daddy.

Christina.

- I find this amazing book.

Hey, Kitty Kirk, I need to talk to you.

What if this DNA turns out to be Jack's?

I don't want the father to be Jack.

I don't even know Jack.

And what if it's Mark Darcy's?

Christ. I'll have to confess to him that

I've been a whore with dolphin condoms.

Good.

So the baby's ok?

- Perfect.

See?

- Oh my God. Is that it?

And it's alright?

- Sound as a bell. Cooking Nicely.

Have a listen.

There you are.

I've recorded that for you.

You can watch that for a moment.

So glad you decided

on the amniocentesis.

Hello you.

Is that your ear or your foot?

You have got very big feet.

Oh, look at you.

Waving already.

You're the best thing I've ever seen.

I promise I'll try my best.

So just stay safe and snug in there...

while I try and sort the mess out here.

And hopefully...

What the fuck is that?

- It's the amniocentesis needle.

We just pop it in, take a little amniotic

fluid, test it for any abnormalities...

and also the DNA sample that you require.

Now, there is the slightest risk of miscarriage

so you'll have to stay very still indeed...

because we don't want the needle to come into contact...

- What?

No, no. I'm not taking that chance.

It's enormous.

It'd go straight through the other side.

Come on, I'm taking you home.

Your mother will be over the moon.

- Will you promise not to tell her?

Just not yet.

- No, of course. I promise.

I'm really sorry, dad, not

to know about the father.

Don't be daft.

I know dozens of people who could have been anybodys.

- So you're not disappointed?

You don't think I belong on Jerry Springer?

- Not a bit, I'm thrilled.

Actually I'm not sure if you're mine or that nice

lieutenant colonel who's 'round the bowls club.

Only joking.

You've got my feet.

I've always had very dainty feet.

Just tell the truth, Bridget.

You can't go too far wrong, telling the truth.

Mark, I have some exciting news.

Mark, I have the funniest story to tell you.

Mark, I'm up the duff.

My lords, my ladies.

There is only one fraud committed

here today and it is this.

To use the laws of one country to destroy

the freedom of speech of another.

A cynical political expedient to take away

the right of these brave young women...

to speak the truth about

the country they love.

Now you may not like their

music and for that I cannot blame you.

They may not have mastered the fundamentals of melody...

or even the most basic tenents of musicianship.

but this is the land of Shakespeare,

Orwell, Lawrence ...

I'd forgotten just how hot

he is in that wig and gown.

... to any country, any ruler,

any despot, that here in the United Kingdom...

we will always defend and protect

women such as these who have selflessly and courageously...

risked their liberty and

quite possibly their lives...

to tell the truth.

The court will now adjourn

and judgement will be given...

Poonani! Poonani! Power to the Poonani!

Power to the Poonani! - Christ.

Looking forward to going back

to some good old fashioned genocide.

Order.

Right. How to do this?

I didn't expect to see you again

after the events at the christening.

Crap. He's dived right in.

No, right. I understand.

Maybe flattery will work.

You were very impressive in there today.

- Thank you.

Although dealing with them over the last

month has given me a certain amount of sympathy...

for the totalitarian dictator who

wants to silence them.

Okay, jokes.

I'll laugh harder next time.

There's only a certain number of

times that one can listen to the...

resolutely un-catchy "Menstruation,

Castration, Liberation."

Mark, that's hilariously funny.

Please.

So.

- So, Mark.

Yes.

The gardens look lovely. Autumnal.

- Yes.

Is that a conker tree?

- Bridget.

I am pregnant.

Right. Well, congratulations.

How can I help?

I'm three months pregnant.

Oh.

You mean the christening?

Yes.

Would you excuse me for just a moment.

I think that this is quite

possibly the most wonderful

piece of information I have

ever received in my entire life.

Oh!

Ok.

Of course I've got no expectations about how things

should work out. I just thought you should know.

No, of course.

I mean, how do you feel? Are you happy?

- Yes, I am.

So much has happened in the past ten years.

A lot has changed.

I mean, you've been married,

and I've been...

on a number of long haul holidays.

But... So here goes on Jack.

I mean...

- I know about it.

It's just right now I can't bring

myself to feel gloomy about it.

God, how can I tell him now.

State of emergency. Cannot sleep.

Looping thoughts going round and round in head.

It's surely weird that tou can do

something as complicated and important...

as growing a baby or invading

Iraq without any instruction at all.

I keep thinking all the alcohol

I've drunk over the years...

will give the baby

fetal alcohol syndrome.

These are the things I could do.

Tell Mark about Jack...

but risk hurting him so badly

I couldn't live with myself.

Not tell Mark about Jack,

but I'd never be able to go through with it.

Tell both of them the other one is the father and then

if the one who isn't the father is upset about it...

Oh Christ.

Tell no-one and make a run for it.

Hello?

- Hey, it's the father of your child.

Jack?

- Yeah, who else?

Come up.

Ok.

Oh fuckfuckfuck. He's probably employed a team of

Google Earth detectives to find me.

Okay, just act naturally.

Hi.

Come in.

- Okay.

You found it.

- Try it on, see if it fits.

Wow.

I didn't expect to see you.

- I wasn't expecting to come.

I'm not used to being rejected. Twice.

I hope you've got cake in that bag.

Yeah, I've been doing a lot of thinking.

Bridget, the whole baby situation threw me initially.

We've squashed an entire relationship into one night...

and skipped straight

to starting a family phase.

We never even had a real second date.

Just so you know if we did,

I would have taken you to Ottolenghi.

You would have had the grilled

salmon and pine nuts salsa.

Unbelievable and healthy.

And we would have come back here...

have incredible sex...

spent the next couple of days

sending each other filthy texts.

I would not have let you

do that on a second date.

Why not. You let me on the first.

And then we'd go on a

naughty weekend to the seaside...

and I would prove my manliness by

winning you a cuddly toy...

at the pier.

I really wanted the giant Scooby-Doo.

- Oh, no-body wins that.

The coconuts are glued on.

What are those for?

- To apologise.

We had our first fight.

I was not flirting with that waitress.

She means nothing to me.

And then I would have...

bought Swedish

furniture for us to make.

If we can get through this, we can get through anything.

- Anything.

I find it adorable how your neck gets

all blotchy when you get nervous.

And I know you'd be the greatest

possible mother to my child.

Oh no, can not fall in love

with shiny new American.

I'll tell them both tomorrow, definitely.

Hi. I just wanted to connect, check how

the presentation is shaping up.

Yeah, totally on top of it,

Neutra Bulleting the shit out of it.

I'm relying on you, Bridget.

I need you to get this right. Understand?

100 percent. You can count on me.

- Great.

You alright?

- I'm fine.

Big party.

I'm so glad to see you back together.

It certainly is Gianni.

- Wonderful news, huh?

Cheers.

I was thinking about Jack.

If it's a boy, after my grandfather.

It's a good strong name.

You can rely on Jack.

Yes, one for the list.

To Jack.

- To Jack.

So this is dad, I presume.

So glad you're here.

It's a unique and wonderful moment.

Dr. Rawlings, I wonder if you

could maybe do me a little favor.

So this is dad, I presume.

Pleased to meet you.

I'm so glad you could be here.

This is a unique and wonderful moment.

Before we start, would you like to know the sex?

- We should be prepared.

I'm not sure...

- It's a boy.

A boy.

- Our boy.

My boy.

Okay, right. This time I have to tell them.

We'll start with Jack.

Have invited him for big scary work

presentation and will explain all afterwards.

Welcome.

In a digital age where every cell phone

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"Hard News"

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so you can use your smartphone

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Simply download the new 'Hard News'

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where Miranda is waiting for

our first ever live simulcast.

Hello everyone,

live at the London MediaShow.

And welcome to the new look of

'Hard News' studio.

We are live and yes,

our viewers are broadcasting.

Right. Let's now go to the Grampians...

where Adam Wollaston is leading a team of

Venture Rangers to the top of Ben Nevis.

Hello, Adam Wollaston.

- 'Hard News' sucks balls.

Jesus.

- Oh dear.

Well, let's put that news

story firmly behind us.

Technical glitch.

Of course it's never been easier

to email or text the show.

Just search

"Hard News" or simply H.

Because...

Be...cause...

Holy fuck. What's he doing here?

Because at 'Hard News', we believe...

We believe that we are ready

and on the front line...

asking the questions

the world wants answers to.

Turn around.

Thank you. Okay.

Career down the toilet.

Both men in the same room.

What could possibly go wrong?

I hope you don't mind me just

showing up and surprising you.

No.

- Well done. It was very...

Yes.

- Technically adroit.

Mark, I would love for you to meet...

Ariyaratna Sithamparanathan.

Ariyaratna's is the area manager

for DTC Technological Solutions.

Aren't you, Ari Sinatra?

Hi.

- Hello.

Hey.

What the hell was that?

What'ere you thinking?

I've got four voicemails from David

Cartwright that I dare not listen to.

I'll be right back.

- You call that a presentation?

I don't know whether I've the right people

around me because you're not...

Alice, I'm so sorry.

Yeah well sorry isn't good enough.

Excuse me. Look at me when I'm talking to you. Excuse me.

- I'm so sorry, but I really...

What?

Bridget, I'd like you to meet Jack Qwant.

He's rather extraordinary.

I was just reading a profile of him in The New Yorker.

- Right, yes.

We actually know each other.

Yes, we certainly do.

Good job.

Why didn't you introduce me to this man before?

He's brilliant. You know, he represents the

punk rock band that's being extradited.

That's right.

- Yes. Yes. I knew that too.

Hi, we've met fleetingly before as well.

I'm in charge of data management

for most of Daventry.

Oh. Well, umm...

I must say it's fantastic that you're getting

on so well because you have a lot in common.

Shall we get out of here, and find a place a bit quieter?

- Yes, why not. I booked Gianni's.

Great.

- That sounds lovely.

You might have to sit this

one out, Arinuth. I'm sorry.

So do you actually believe that mathematics can...

how did you put it in your book?

help us analyze behavior

previously invisible to science?

Well, my dating algorithm is to help people

find love, not necessarily replace it.

Oh no, is incredible idea.

- Have you ever tried it out?

You're single, right?

- Well, I'm... Yes, I suppose so.

How did you two meet?

Yeah.

- It's umm...

It's sort of a funny story.

Sort of.

You see, umm...

a few months ago, on the fourth

of the month, I met Jack at a music festival.

Right.

And we got on very well

and sort of had... relations.

And the next week, that is to say, on the eleventh

of the month at Jude's baby christening to be exact...

following the consumption of a large amount of

alcohol, Mark and I, well, we had similar relations.

And, um, this is the funny part, I suppose.

Owing to these relations...

the resulting life form currently residing in my tummy,

could actually, in fact, be either of yours.

I know I should have told you both

before but... I just didn't.

You both seemed so happy.

So correct me if I'm wrong, but did you just

say that the baby could be either of us?

So you have no idea which

of us is actually the father?

I know, it's all very confusing.

I'm sorry.

So however we choose to do this...

the most important thing now is this.

Bridget, I'm not going to

pretend this isn't a shock.

I want you to know whatever the circumstance...

The most important thing is the baby.

Who knows, this could be a great adventure.

I'm afraid you're going to have to excuse me.

I have a meeting.

Good night

- Mark...

Gianni, can we have the bill please?

- Subito.

And if I thought that was tricky...

how would the news go down at mum's

parish council election campaign?

Honestly, we started half an hour ago.

Where have you been?

You said it was an emergency.

Well, The Gazette wants to take a family portrait.

What are you wearing?

Oh my God. Bridget, you're...

- Yes.

Why didn't you say anything?

- I didn't want to upset you.

Why would you?

Oh no, Bridget. Who's the father?

It's not Mark is it? Oh, do say it is.

- There's at least a 50 percent chance.

A 50 percent chance?

- Mark and this really nice American called Jack.

Oh no, Bridget. An American?

Did you have a three-way?

Mrs Jones.

Here, take this and pretend everything is fine.

- Everything is fine.

Ms. Jones, can we...

Here's a lovely place for you to stand.

Are you ashamed of me?

- No darling. It's just the circumstances.

I'm running for high office.

See?

If you love family and you

love values... it's so long.

It's not the 1950's.

Look around you.

Two lesbians just adopted at number 32.

If you don't change the way you look at things,

you're going to lose your precious election...

and perhaps your daughter.

Bridget, so lovely to see you.

Are you...?

- Yes, I am.

How wonderful.

We thought you'd just got all fat again.

I'm now the Mary Magdalene of middle England.

Have alienated Mom and Mark Darcy.

Am like tropical female insect that shags

men to impregnate self and eats them.

The question is: will Mark even turn up

and engage in a polyamorous family?

Hey.

Hello.

First pre-natal class.

Exciting, huh?

- Yeah.

You look great.

Hello.

I'm so glad you came.

- Yeah, me too.

I brought you a nice tea.

- Oh, wow. Thank you.

It's off 'till this evening. But there's

a heck of a lot of caffeine in that tea.

I brought you a... super juice.

Thank you.

Shall we go in?

Why not?

- Sure. Let me carry that for you.

Thank you.

- Can I carry your phone, please?

Okay.

Thank you.

And who do we have here, then?

I'm Bridget and this is Jack ...

and this is Mark.

Oh. Lovely.

You're our second same sex couple today.

No, actually we're ...

- Absolutely.

We just need the gift of a baby

to make us feel complete.

You must be the surrogate?

- Exactly, yes.

Just helping this wonderful couple

make their dream come true.

Mark is very nervous about all this.

All new to you, isn't it, lamb chop?

Like all visionaries,

we encounter bumps along the road.

How would you like to give birth to your placenta?

- Quickly.

Are you okay? Are you sure?

And of course massage can have

many benefits throughout pregnancy.

Can we name some of them?

- It relieves stress and promotes feel good hormones.

And is also to be avoided in

cases of high risk pregnancy...

For example, when there is a geriatric mother.

Right, excellent, someone's been reading up.

Would you like to have a go?

- No, I think I'll let Jack get on with it....

I think he seems to have it covered.

- That's very sweet of you.

That's why I love you, my little teacup.

What if we ask the right questions

and apply the laws of mathematics...

so that the science of courtship

could be quantified?

May I please make an application to lead to an appeal...

in the case of Her Majesty's

Government and Saddiq Al Bashir.

As Your Lordship is aware,

Mr. Al Bashir has lost.

So everything's alright?

- Yes, well, it's this combination...

gherkins, anchovies, banana juice and Pringles.

So essentially...

- It's wind.

Right, so, going forward regular Pringles,

not hot, spicy barbecue?

Or possibly no Pringles at all. Try that.

Is everything alright? Is Bridget okay?

- Yes, perfectly fine.

She's in there with... That's Dr. Pringle.

He's testing her blood. This is interesting.

This is a new bedside technique we're testing out of Oslo.

It's Norwegian.

It's alright. I know about Jack. Thank you doctor.

- Oh, thank God. Why didn't you tell me?

She's fine. He's calmed her

down completely, actually.

I'm sorry, I got your messages.

I was in court.

Hi. It's alright.

Can't be helped.

You should get it.

It might be work.

Don't worry. I got it covered.

- Yes, I can see that.

Wow. Okay, you need to chill out.

We have to do this together.

You know, in Peru the Um Bat Do, consider paternity

attach shared responsibility among the many tribesmen.

Unfortunately, we Um Bat don't live in Peru.

I live in England.

Negative energy is just

so bad for the baby.

Stop it. Both of you.

This isn't a competition.

She's right.

We should take this toxic energy out of the room.

I won't be a minute.

What's up? Come on, buddy.

Why are you so angry?

You know what?

I'm really not your buddy.

I don't know about vibes or negative

energy or prenatal wind...

and even less about algorithms...

so I will confess that the laws

of attraction are somewhat beyond me.

In fact,

Bridget defies comprehension generally.

But despite, or perhaps owing to the

bewildering litany of catastrophes

I've witnessed over the last 40 years,

I feel I've come to know Bridget rather well...

and I've spent those years

caring for her very deeply.

And that may defy automated reasoning,

but there's nothing I can do about it.

Nothing you can do about it?

Maybe you should try and stay around a little,

instead of saving the world by cellphone.

I make her happy, Mark.

And I suppose your algorithm tells you

you're destined to be together, does it.

Actually it does.

The fact that you've been trying

and failing for the past ten

years tells me you are not.

No...

- I don't want to fight with you.

We should think about

Bridget and the baby.

For better or worse,

fate has brought us together.

It wasn't fate, it was condoms.

- What do you mean?

Those ridiculous dolphin friendly things

from the bottom of Bridget's bag.

I'm sorry, I have no idea what you're talking

about. When Bridget and I got it on, I was...

I was not dressed for the occasion.

No Mark today?

- No.

We must thank one person who

was prepared to fight for us...

when no one else would,

and we say to that person...

with all our hearts...

"Freedom!"

Bridget, we're back.

I still can't believe Mark

ducked out like that.

Well, it's not really his fault.

I suppose we just have

to hope it's Jack's, right?

I mean, let's face it, things could be worse.

He's pretty fucking amazing.

He's richer than God and he

has a very nice sized puppet.

He does, and we match

up very nicely on paper.

Well, how do you know?

- You just have to have faith.

You just have to ask yourself:

can I see myself growing old...

with this guy, and not Mark Darcy?

There it is. Here we go.

Oh, hey!

You know, first few months,

they only see black and white.

This will help stimulate spatial awareness.

Or early onset motion sickness.

I got him one of these.

A bouncy chair.

Not quite sure where we're going to put it.

About that...

It's kind of cramped in here, don't you think?

It's cosy.

You know, I've been thinking.

Might be nice if we moved in together.

You think we're ready for that?

I'm just tired of living in

hotel rooms and airport lounges.

We could be a family.

Me, you and him.

What do you say?

What if it's not yours?

- What?

What if the baby turns out to be Mark's?

Well, I mean, it'd certainly change things.

Is that what you want?

For it to be Mark's?

Are you in love with him?

I have been in the past.

And me?

I could be, one day.

Bridget, I haven't been

totally honest with you.

Mark thinks the baby isn't his,

and I let him believe it was mine.

That's why he disappeared.

Why would he think that?

- Because I let him.

Because I wanted you for myself.

We could be so good for each other.

97 percent.

- On paper.

But falling in love doesn't happen on paper.

Sometimes you love a person because

of all the reasons they're not like you.

And sometimes you love a person

just because they feel like home.

I've got to find Mark.

Hello, Pierce. It's Bridget.

I'm trying to get hold of Mark.

He just got back from a trip, Bridget.

He's in a taxi on his way home.

Hi.

Approximately eight weeks to go.

You don't really need them, you know.

All they're good for is fitting car seats,

and blaming things on,

they really just get in the way after that.

You're absolutely capable of

doing this on your own.

I did.

You know what? I can do this on my own.

We can do this on our own.

One of the perks of being pregnant is I no

longer feel like a tragic lonely spinster.

Because of a miniature

miracle growing inside.

Hello.

Hello!

Mum's throwing a

Christmas party / political rally.

It's like the G8 summit with Scotch eggs.

Be brave. Go in.

Hello darling.

- Hello.

Sorry, I didn't realise everyone was here.

I'll just pop upstairs.

No, nonsense. Nonsense.

Una's had all the posters reprinted.

You've inspired me.

- Still so long.

You were quite right, as it turns out.

This place is teeming with single mothers,

single fathers, bisexuals, surrogates.

And they're all lovely and so normal.

Do you know, I've even got two homosexuals on the team.

- No, thank you.

Who knew?

- Everybody.

I'm so proud of you, darling.

You know that?

What you're doing is not easy,

but if anyone can make it work, it's you.

That child is the luckiest boy on

earth to have you as his mother.

And he's going to have the love of

a million fathers with you by his side.

Come on. We've got some campaigning to do.

Make way. Make way.

Single pregnant mother coming through.

Laura, Josh. We need to give six

minutes to General Lu Tong, ok.

It's a huge scoop.

- Yeah, Alice wants to pull the interview.

She's got a feature on

"Is The World Really Ending On Tuesday?"

Well it may as well if we lose Lu Tong.

Lu Tong stays.

Six minutes. Let's do this.

General Lu Tong, hi.

Sorry it's so chaotic in here today.

Thank you for coming on.

We're on, live, in two minutes.

Miranda will probably want to start with

what's going on in Naypyidaw.

Go three.

- Miranda, back to General Lu Tong.

Keep pressing.

- So let me ask you one more time, General Lu Tong...

will you take responsibility for the

human rights abuses...

perpetrated by your own government?

He's on the rack. Tight on 4.

Get those beads of sweat.

In you go, 4. Push it.

- I'm sorry, I can't answer that.

Can't, or won't, Lu Tong?

- Can't, or won't, General Lu Tong?

On balance, I'd suggest "can't", considering

I've just found General Lu Tong in the lobby,

and his chauffeur is currently

live on air answering

questions about Far Eastern geopolitics.

No? Any comments you want to make

about the use of sexual torture...

by your own military?

Ask him about London traffic.

- London traffic, General Lu Tong,

anything to say about that?

No comment there. Unbelievable.

That's it from General Lu Tong.

We'll see you after this short break.

Good job.

Unfortunately, you leave me no choice.

It is actually illegal to fire

somebody for being pregnant.

I'm not firing her for being pregnant.

I'm firing her for gross incompetency.

Bridget is the beating heart of this show.

How could you want to fire her?

How about for interviewing a

chauffeur instead of a general?

Using a TV interview to determine if a

guest might be the father of her child...

and being responsible for the

broadcast of six bare arses?

It's okay.

It really okay, Richard.

I was going to quit anyway.

Probably.

Believe it or not, I was a little

like you when I started here.

A little chunkier and much less makeup,

but I wanted to make my mark too.

But I don't want to be

part of your re-branding.

I haven't got the right haircut anyway

and I don't drink cocktails out of jam jars

or post photos of my lunch on Instagram.

And I suppose it's become

unfashionable to care

about wanting to make

something worthwhile.

But I would rather be old-fashioned

and unemployed...

than part of a show that

celebrates the inane.

Then maybe when my boy

is old enough to understand,

integrity will be fashionable again.

What have I done?

It's all very well fighting

for your principles

when there's no food in the fridge.

I mean, how difficult can

it be to find another job...

when you've just been fired

and your nine months pregnant?

And whatever happens now, I'm going

to get you one of those bloody Bugaboos.

Birthday?

Oh God, brains gone to mush.

First shag?

No.

Bugger.

I'm very sorry.

I've gone all crap, all of a sudden.

Right.

No, no, no, no.

Fuck.

Okay, new pre-birth resolutions.

I, Bridget Jones,

am going to be the best mother in the world.

I'm going to try not to

leave you in a shop...

or put you in the washing machine like the

woman in the newspaper with her cat.

Look, I know I made you a promise

to get things sorted before you got here.

Well the truth is, I haven't,

but you and me can do this together...

because knights in shining armour

don't exist any more.

Or do they?

Hi.

Bridget. Good God, what are you doing there?

You're all wet.

Yes, I locked myself out,

and left my bag...

Lost my keys, phone, my mind.

What are you doing here?

It seems I can always find time to

save the world, but you're my world.

I thought you were back with Candida.

You know perfectly well her name's Camilla.

- Camilla.

I came round your house to find you,

and she was there.

She came to collect her bags.

Gone back to The Hague.

Just taken her to the airport.

Thank you.

Bridget...

You know I find emotional declarations...

difficult.

But the truth is ...

Why are my trousers warm?

My waters must have broken.

- Oh Jesus.

So sorry. I'll get a cloth.

But you're not due for another

two or three weeks.

That's a contraction.

I think we should get to the hospital quickly.

Absolutely.

- Let's take your car.

I came in a taxi.

- Oh, for fucks sake.

Well, how was I supposed to know?

- No, not you. The contractions.

No, we'll take your car.

- We can't. The car keys are in

my bag with everything else.

Five, six, seven, eight...

- Just pant, and breathe, and count.

... Nine, ten.

- It's what your supposed to do, isn't it?

You should get that.

It might be work.

No don't!

- Oi! What the fuck?

That's really sweet,

but we've got to call a cab.

Oh, shit.

Right, what do we do?

I'll think of something.

Watch out.

- Out of the way.

We go to the hospital.

We're going to make a baby.

Let's go.

God, this is...

This is really happening.

I'm going to be a mother.

Maybe I'm too old for all this.

Wait, wait. Why're you stopping?

A margarita with onion and pineapple.

Number 17, thank you.

What?

Who is ordering onion with pineapple, huh?

Some people they're crazy, no?

Yes. Okay. Here we go.

Do not worry, Ms. Bridget.

We get you there.

There is no traffic this time of night.

It's okay, eh?

Vagina. Power to the vagina.

My God. Unbelieveable.

Is a bloody women's rights march.

Oh gees, not now.

- Christ, it's those women I defended.

It's those infernal Russians.

Just hold my hand.

We really need to get there.

We need to get there.

Right, we're getting out. Ready?

- No, I don't think it's a good idea.

No, Bridget... Bridget.

Call Jack.

- I'll come behind with the bags, Mr. Mark.

And I call Mr. Jack.

It's all right, Bridget. We'll find a way.

- I don't think I can walk.

It's alright.

I'll carry you.

Good God, Bridget. You're immense.

- I can't help it.

I think my lungs collapsed,

but this is not about me.

The contractions are starting again.

I'm going to have the baby in the street.

- I tell you what,

we'll rest for ten, and we'll walk for ten.

- Okay.

It's not much further.

- No.

I think it's about a mile and a half.

- Don't think...

Are you okay?

It's probably best if I don't talk too much.

- Yes.

Okay, I'm here. Okay.

I can take it from here.

I'm here. Okay. I got this.

- Thank you.

Jesus.

This is a two man job.

- I'm here.

Take her. Take her.

- I got her.

Jesus. Don't drop her.

Just inside.

- This way?

Yes, there.

- No, this way.

Okay, squeeze in.

Are you squeezing?

- Get her.

Squeeze in.

- I'm squeezing.

Push.

Closer.

No, no, that's fine.

We're out.

- Nurse.

Carol, Carol, wheelchair.

Wheelchair

One two three.

- Yes, over here. Please. Thank you.

You okay?

Which of you is the father?

- I am.

Right.

Breathe out the pain.

Oh, good.

- Hey.

I was wondering how many fathers we'd get.

A full house. Bingo.

Bridget, how do you want do this?

An epidural?

No, you can do this. A positive mental

attitude is stronger than any drug.

Okay? Just think away the pain.

- Oh bollocks to that. No, I want everything.

Gas, air, injections, morphine.

Bridget, remember your yoga.

- Fuck yoga.

Oh, I couldn't agree with you more.

It's supposed to relax one...

but I just spend the entire time clenching

my sphincter in an effort not to fart.

Can we turn you over?

I just need to check your cervix.

You're doing very well.

Turning around. Turn to me.

Just a little rummage.

Okay, ready? Rummaging... now.

Yes. Oh, good, good..

You at eight centimeters already.

That's excellent.

That means you can't have any drugs at all.

What?

- You're too far gone.

Well done. Ooh, another contraction.

I'm not sure how much there is to gain from

you two being at the coal face if I'm honest.

My ex-husband said it was like watching

his favourite pub burn down.

So. Your choice.

Maybe dad should go and

fetch mum a cool flannel.

I know. I know.

It's okay. You can do this.

Just, think away the pain.

Mother fucker.

Just think away the pain.

- Get out, both of you.

Where are you going?

I've changed my mind.

You can do this.

You can. We can do it together.

Just think what lifes thrown at you already.

You've turned disasters into triumphs...

with your sheer, joyful, indefatigable,

infectious lust for life.

You've managed this entire pregnancy

almost entirely on your own...

despite a lunatic mother, repressed men and

cheating boyfriends who don't deserve you.

Just a last few moments.

Just a last few moments, my love,

and then you'll see your beautiful baby.

What if it's not yours?

- I'll love him anyway, just as I love you.

The way you were, the way you are,

the way you always will be.

I think you better go and have that seen to.

- Thank you.

I'll handle it from here.

Think the pain away.

You're pushing an entire human

being out of your vagina.

I'd like to see them thinking it away.

And, with 367 of the votes...

the winner is Pamela Margaret Jones.

- Pamela, honey, it's Bridget.

Not now, Colin.

- It's about the baby.

I hereby declare that

Pamela Margaret Jones...

I'm so sorry.

You'll have to excuse me.

We are about to become a grandmother.

Well, that's it for the special late

night edition of "Hard News".

25 seconds to off air. 25.

- Standby.

Bridget's in labor.

Bridget's in labor!!

Except to say Bridget Jones is in labour!

Yes.

- Run the credits.

Credits.

- Run the credits.

I hope I'm bloody godmother.

- Cue the fucking weather.

Listen I...

I owe you an apology.

I know I haven't behaved

very well in all of this.

No, it's okay.

Hello.

Say hello to our beautiful boy.

Go ahead.

- Thank you.

Let's see who you are.

Isn't he perfect?

- Yes.

Hello.

I'm so sorry I'm late, Bridge.

Some lesbians are having

a stupid all night march.

Actually, they're marching in aid of free speech.

It's rather important.

- My God, look at him.

Bridge.

I'm so sorry that we weren't here.

There's an unbelievably long march.

Actually, the march is critical...

- Can I be godfather?

Oh, I'm depending on you.

Oh, congratulations.

- Well done.

Thank you very much.

- Well done.

Well done, both of you.

- To all of you.

Where is she?

I'm so sorry we didn't get here on time.

Daddy's parking the car.

There's some march for women's rights.

I mean, honestly, do we need any more rights?

Mom, meet your new grandson.

The darling. He looks just like...

Not that it matters, but...

do we know who the daddy is yet?

Shall we find out?

Come on, you two.

Time for a little test.

It's so exciting, isn't it?

It's like the final of the X Factor or something.

Dial 01 if you want it to be Mark and

02 if you want it to be Jack.

Well, good luck.

- You too.

Please.

- Thank you.

You look beautiful.

- Thank you.

Hello darling. Hello.

Hello.

- Hi.

We're really doing this.

- No going back now.

We are gathered here to celebrate the

union of Bridget Rose Jones...

and Mark Fitzwilliam Darcy.

Aand by the powers vested in me,

I now pronounce you...

finally, husband and wife.

Jack, what on earth are

you doing with my son?

Well, don't leave me

alone with him again.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

- Is he traumatized?

Hallo, William Jones-Darcy.

Are you ready?

Some champagne for you?

- Yes please.

Dear Diary. And so, I, Bridget Jones ...

am a singleton no more. Married? Yes.

Smug? Well, it's about time, so...

maybe just a little.

Bridget Jones's Baby (2016) - full transcript

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