Bridesmaids (2011) - full transcript

ANNlE: (BREATHlNG HEAVlLY)

l'm so. . .

l'm so glad you called.

TED: l'm so glad

you were free.

ANNlE: God,

l love your eyes.

Okay, now what?

TED: Cup my balls.

ANNlE: Okay, yes.

All right. l can do that.

TED: Oh ! There it is.

ANNlE: There we go.

(MOANlNG)

That feels good.

You know what to do.

(LAUGHlNG)

Okay, you know what?

Slow it down, slow it down.

Okay.

Slow it down.

There we go.

How's that?

That's good, nice and slow.

See? Doesn't that feel good?

Yeah.

No, l want to go fast.

You want to go fast?

Fast.

(GRUNTlNG)

Yeah. No. . .

Oh, yeah.

That feels good.

Oh, Yeah.

Yeah.

(MOANlNG LOUDLY)

Okay.

You know what?

l think. . .

l think maybe

we are on different

rhythms here.

(PANTlNG)

(BREATHlNG HEAVlLY)

(GRUNTlNG)

(LAUGHlNG)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(SlGHlNG)

(GASPS)

l was having a nightmare.

l was so scared.

(CHUCKLlNG)

Good morning.

You look beautiful.

No, l'm sure

l look terrible.

l just woke up.

Are you kidding?

l'm sure l'm a mess.

(CHUCKLES)

You slept over.

l did.

l thought we had

a rule against that.

Oh.

l'm kidding.

Oh. (LAUGHS)

That was funny.

l'm kidding.

You're funny

in the morning.

l like hanging out

with you.

Oh. Yeah.

l love hanging out with you.

l think we get

along really well

and you're so sexy.

l know.

l just have a lot

coming up at work

and l don't want

to make promises

l can't keep.

You know what l mean?

l know you do.

Yeah.

We're on the same page.

l'm not looking for

a relationship right now,

either. Let's just say that.

Whatever you wanna. . .

l can do. . .

l'd rather just. . .

l like simple. . .

l'm not like other girls.

l'm not like,

"Be my boyfriend !"

Unless you were like, "Yeah !"

Then l'd be like,

"Maybe." (CHUCKLES)

Mmm. But let's not.

l don't want that either.

Wow, this is so awkward.

l really want you to leave,

but l don't know how to say it

without sounding like a dick.

(MACHlNE WHlRRlNG)

Come on !

Hands behind your heads!

Let's go! Sit-ups!

You're looking

like pieces of bacon

on a plate.

lt's disgusting !

l smell the fat!

(GROANlNG) He scares me.

(GRUNTlNG) Me, too.

LlLLlAN: But he's

an excellent motivator.

That's true.

What are you looking at?

Oh, Shit, he sees us.

Oh, God.

Hey! Hey!

lf you want to

take this class,

you're going to

have to pay for it

like the rest

of these bitches!

What, are you dancing?

ln the park. . .

Dance class?

You are not dancing.

You are not

dancing in the park!

Go, go, go, go!

lNSTRUCTOR: Freeloaders!

l'm coming over there.

ls he coming?

lNSTRUCTOR:

l'm coming after you !

Sorry, Rodney.

We're on a budget.

lNSTRUCTOR: Oh, come on !

lt's only 1 2 bucks!

Oh, my God !

Come on !

You fucking freeloaders.

We are out

of our minds.

l know.

That's okay.

l'm so glad that

we got to do this.

l feel like l haven't

seen you in forever.

Mmm. l've been

in Chicago a lot.

l know.

Sleeping at Dougie's house.

Well, it's just

closer to work.

How is it going

with him anyway?

l don't know.

l mean, it's fine,

but l just feel

like he's been

distant lately.

And l don't know. . .

He calls me

"dude" a lot.

That doesn't mean anything.

l think everything is fine.

l don't know.

Anyway,

what did you

do last night?

Umm. . .

What did you

do last night?

(GASPS)

You are not

telling me something.

l hung out with

Ted for a little bit.

l knew it!

We had fun.

lt was fun.

Here's what l

don't like about it.

You hate yourself

after you see him,

every time.

And then we go through this,

and then you feel like shit,

and it's almost

like you're doing it

because you feel

bad about yourself.

He called me late,

and we hung out.

lt wasn't a big deal.

And you know what?

lt was fun.

Ew! You had

sex with him.

We had an

adult sleepover.

Ooh. Did you let him

sleep over in your mouth?

Annie!

l'm sorry!

You're unbelievable.

He kept putting

it near my face.

They do that,

don't they?

Why do they do that?

Let us offer.

lf we don't offer. . .

Please.

You're supposed

to slap it away.

l couldn't.

You don't want to

look right at it.

No.

lt's too aggressive.

lt's like. . .

"Hello."

That's my impression.

Those are the balls?

Yeah.

l'm trying to make it round,

but l can't

because l have elbows.

He is so hot, though.

Look, l know

you say he's cute

and all that stuff,

but it makes you feel

like shit, you know?

You're a total catch,

and any guy

would be psyched

to be your man.

You should just

make room

for somebody who

is nice to you.

You know what?

He's honest!

He told me that

we are what we are

and we're just having fun.

And l like that.

He also told you that

you need dental work.

He's an asshole.

l don't need dental work.

You're right.

There is nothing

wrong with my teeth.

You are so beautiful.

Will you marry me?

Yes.

(BOTH GlGGLlNG)

l love you.

l don't want to

go to work today.

Mmm-mmm.

Let's see how many

times Terry's called me.

Oh ! Only 1 5!

You know what, Terry?

l don't want

to pick up your

monkey lamps.

Sorry!

Monkey lamps?

Ugh. l cannot wait

to never work for

a psychopath again.

Oh ! Annie!

l'm sorry. l should

have gone down Mason.

ANNlE: Well, l'm the genius

that opened a bakery

during the recession.

They were good cakes,

Annie.

Thank you.

Come on. Look away,

look away, look away.

Do you have any

ideas of styles?

Oh, l don't know.

What do you think, honey?

Whatever you want.

Look at how you guys

are making this

decision together.

That's sweet. You guys

love each other, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Ohh ! That's sweet.

That will go away.

(CHUCKLES)

(WHlSPERlNG) You cannot

trust anybody, ever.

Especially someone

you're in a

relationship with.

'Cause they're

living with you,

you don't

know who you're

sleeping next to.

lt is scary.

l mean, look at him.

He may not even be Asian.

lt is scary.

So did you guys

want to look at

these engagement rings?

We're going to browse.

Okay, sure.

l'll be here.

Thank you.

What was that about?

Umm, nothing.

They had to run.

They had to go somewhere.

And no wonder.

You're selling

lifelong happiness.

You're not telling everyone

about your problems

and how your

boyfriend left you,

and maybe marriage

will work out.

Show me your

"love is eternal" face.

No, that's two years,

four years tops.

That is not eternal.

Kahlua, can you

come over here

for a second, please?

What's up, Don-Don?

You make up

the best nicknames.

You don't need

a nickname because

Kahlua is so delicious.

Don't sue me

for touching you.

Show Annie your

"love is eternal" face.

That looks like you

have menstrual cramps.

Thank you so much,

Kahlua.

Now, why can't you

be more like Kahlua?

Look, l'm trying

really hard.

You've just

got to try harder.

The whole reason

you have got this job,

Annie,

is because your mom

is my sponsor in AA,

and l'm doing her a favor.

l understand.

Oscar, get back to work.

You shouldn't be

behind the counter.

MAN ON TV: Andrew,

you are not the father!

(WHOOPlNG ON TV)

(BRYNN GlGGLlNG)

That's great. Yeah.

Stop that.

Don't do that.

(DOOR OPENlNG)

Hey, Brynn.

Oh, hey, roomie.

Guess what

happened to me today.

Hmm. What?

l got a free tattoo.

You did what?

l could not believe it.

The guy said,

"Do you want a tattoo?"

Just a random. . .

Yeah, opened up

the side of his van.

No.

He said, "lt's for free!"

And l said, "Sure."

You said yes?

Yeah !

Yeah. Look.

See here?

What is it?

See that?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Brynn !

lt's a Mexican drinking worm.

lt's a Native American

symbol meaning "wasted."

Okay, Brynn,

just so you know,

it's. . .

Gil, hi.

Hello. How are you?

Have you seen

your sister's tattoo?

lt's really infected.

Better get

a little bit of ice on it.

Yeah, a little bit.

Stick some

frozen peas on there.

Yeah. lt can't hurt.

All right.

So, l just wanted

a quick word.

You know that

tomorrow the rent is due.

l was getting my check,

and l wondered

if l could get

your check, too?

Yes.

l'm getting

the money.

lt's been

a little slow.

(MOANlNG)

You have to

keep it in the bag

and put the bag on it.

(SlGHlNG)

So, the check?

Yes. Yes.

Yeah.

Because it's a kind of,

like, "needing it

today"-type situation.

lt's coming.

(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)

LlLLlAN: Who is it?

ANNlE: Me!

Who is it?

Oh, my God.

Hurry up, your creepy

neighbor asked me

if l wanted to

watch the news again.

Sorry.

He is so gross.

(lMlTATlNG ACCENT)

Please, come on in.

Let me take your magazines.

Welcome to the magazine

and wine party. Ooh !

Have a seat.

l'm very happy

that you are here.

What?

Because l want

to eat an apple.

Would you like

some apple?

What is that?

l got engaged.

What?

He asked me last night.

What?

l know!

That's why he's

been acting so weird

'cause he's a terrible liar,

and he thought he

was gonna blow it.

He was ignoring

me and l thought

he was going to

break up with me.

Oh, my gosh.

(WHlMPERlNG)

Oh, my gosh !

l know!

Lil !

l'm shocked, still.

But l'm happy.

Can you believe this?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, l just got hot.

You did?

Are you okay?

Yes. My pits

are sweating.

My stomach hurts. l'm hot.

What does that mean?

Oh, my God !

(EXCLAlMlNG)

What is happening?

l don't know.

l'm wearing a ring.

l can't believe it.

Lil, you're getting married.

l'm getting married.

And you'll be

my maid of honor.

God, of course l will !

lt will be super fun.

lt's gonna be really fun.

Yeah. You know,

we can plan

everything together.

My God !

Planning your wedding. . .

Are you sure

you're up for it?

l know it's a lot to ask

and to put on your plate.

And you're going

through a tricky time,

and you're super-busy. . .

Stop.

lt's a lot to ask.

Stop.

Okay.

lt's fine. And l'm

more than happy to do it,

and it's not too much.

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)

Oh ! Look at that.

lt's my fiancé calling.

Oh, your fiancé.

Hi, baby,

what's up?

(BOTH CHEERlNG)

lt's Annie.

l just told her!

Yeah, she's so happy.

No, l'm not!

"Yay," she said.

(CHUCKLlNG)

What, baby?

l know,

l miss you, too.

(LAUGHlNG)

Yeah,

l'll meet you in an hour.

l love you, too.

(CONTlNUES LAUGHlNG)

ANNlE: Wow.

Wynonna Judd.

That's really good.

Painting those giant bangs

was a royal pain in my can.

And those teeth !

l should have

painted her mouth shut.

Can you just get dressed?

We're gonna be late

for the engagement party.

Oh, l forgot

to tell you, honey.

What?

Forgot to tell you.

What?

l signed up to

speak at AA tonight,

and l just have to.

Mom !

No.

l forgot. l'm sorry.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

l keep telling you,

you're not supposed

to go to those things.

You're not an alcoholic.

Only because l've

never had a drink.

What?

They are inspiring.

There is this one story

l've just got to tell you.

Sit down.

Okay.

This gentleman

who started

blow-jobbing to get crack.

His name is Marvin Johnson. . .

Mom, anonymous.

You keep. . . lt's no names.

Okay, okay.

Forget it.

Marvin J. Whatever.

Too late.

Well, he became

a gay prostitute.

And he realized that

he had hit his bottom.

And l have been thinking,

honey,

that maybe this

is your bottom.

l'm telling you,

hitting bottom

is a good thing.

Because there's

nowhere to go but up.

Right?

Yep. That's what you say.

Yeah, a positive message.

Yeah.

Yeah. Thanks for

the pep talk, Mom.

Honey. Anytime, anytime.

All right. l guess l'm

going to Lillian's party

by myself, then.

Don't talk to me

about being by yourself.

l go everywhere

by myself.

Thanks to that

new whore, Barb.

Mom, come on.

No, l don't like to say it.

They've been

married 1 2 years.

Okay.

But she's still a whore.

l'm sure she greets

him in the evening,

beaver first.

l don't want to

think about that.

You sure you don't

want to move in with me?

Mom, thanks,

but no way.

No way in hell.

Yeah?

No, thanks.

Think about it.

Okay.

You don't need

your own place.

Yeah, l kind of do.

Okay.

All right,

l'm going to go.

All right.

Holy shit.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Ohh. Valet. Perfect.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Sorry.

Needs a wash.

(ENGlNE STALLS)

You have to

punch it a few times.

(ENGlNE CRANKlNG)

(GUESTS CHATTERlNG)

(JAZZ MUSlC PLAYlNG)

Annie!

Oh, my God !

Oh, my God,

Lillian.

l know.

This is your

engagement party.

lsn't that crazy?

lt's so beautiful.

l can't believe

Dougie's boss

is a member here.

l know,

and his parents, too.

And Dougie, l guess.

Gosh, and me,

l guess, too, now.

Come on, let's go

say hi to the rest

of the bridal party!

You remember

my cousin Rita?

Rita.

Annie.

l haven't seen you

since you

graduated high school.

She has

three kids now.

Three boys.

LlLLlAN: They're so cute.

They are cute,

but when they

reach that age,

they are disgusting.

They smell,

they are sticky,

they say things

that are horrible,

and there is semen all

over everything, okay?

Disgusting.

l cracked

a blanket in half.

Do you get where

l'm going with that?

l do.

l cracked it

in half.

What?

LlLLlAN: Annie,

this is Becca,

my friend from work.

We are in

the trenches together.

Hey. lt's great

to meet you.

Hey, how are you?

Nice to meet you.

This is my husband,

Kevin.

Hi.

"Husband."

l like to say it.

We are newlyweds.

Wow. Congratulations.

Thank you so much.

We went on

a sweetheart honeymoon.

Oh.

Where did you guys go?

Disney World.

Disney World.

We finish each

other's sentences.

Sorry.

(BOTH GlGGLlNG)

Sorry.

ls this your husband?

No, no, no, no, no.

l don't know him.

l'm sorry.

Do you want to go

for a walk later?

Oh. l can't.

All right.

l can't. l'm sorry.

l'm so sorry.

l'm not with anybody.

l'm here solo.

Let's start it again.

l'm Becca.

Rewind.

This is my husband.

You don't have a husband.

Sorry.

And this is

Dougie's sister, Megan.

Hey.

ANNlE: Hi.

My grandma is not

supposed to have wine.

l'll be right back.

Hey.

Hey. How is it going?

lt's going great.

lt's going great.

l'm on the mend.

l just got some

pins in my legs.

Believe it or not,

pins in my legs,

l can still do this. Right?

l fell off a cruise ship,

but l'm back.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, "Oh, shit."

Yeah, "Oh, shit."

Took a hard,

hard, violent fall.

Kind of pinballed down.

Hit a lot of railings,

broke a lot of shit.

l'm not going to

say l survived,

l'm going to say l thrived.

l met a dolphin down there.

And l swear to God,

that dolphin looked

not at me,

but into my soul.

lnto my goddamn soul, Annie.

And he said,

"l'm saving you, Megan."

Not with his mouth,

but he said it,

l'm assuming, telepathically.

We had a connection

that l don't even

know if l can. . . Jesus.

(MAKlNG GARBLED SOUNDS)

Hey, shut my mouth.

Look at. . . Unbelievable.

You must be Annie's fella.

l'm Megan.

lt's a pleasure.

He's not. . .

l'm not. . . He's not. . .

l'm not with him.

Sorry.

All right.

l'm glad he's single,

because l'm going to

climb that like a tree.

Okay. You have

to meet Helen.

There she is. Helen.

LlLLlAN: Come here!

Helen, this is Annie.

Hi !

Ohh !

There she is.

Maid of honor.

So lovely to meet

Lillian's childhood friend.

You are so pretty.

You are so cute!

You are so sweet.

Helen is married

to Dougie's boss,

Mr. Harris. Perry.

Perry. And they

are so close now,

they are literally

joined at the hip.

Which is good,

because so are we.

l know.

l'm so glad you guys

are finally meeting.

l know. Me, too.

l know. lt's lovely.

Well, excuse me,

l better go check on

the hors d'oeuvres.

But it was great

to finally meet you.

lt's a great party.

Enjoy.

LlLLlAN: Bye.

Bye.

HELEN: Bye.

She's great, isn't she?

She's awesome.

LlLLlAN'S DAD: And l really

look forward to having

Doug as part of our family.

So much so

that you two should

get married right now

and save me

a shitload of money.

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

Dad.

Everybody always

laughs at that,

but l'm not joking.

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

l'm not joking.

(CHUCKLlNG)

Anyway, l want

to thank all of you

for coming.

And here's to Doug and

my baby girl, Lillian.

Cheers!

Cheers!

l love you, Dad.

LlLLlAN'S DAD: Enough of me.

Let's get the maid

of honor up here.

All right.

Annie?

(CHEERlNG)

Umm. Hi.

l'm Annie Walker.

Yay, Annie!

l'm not going to go

on with a big speech,

so l'll just say this.

l'm so happy to be

a part of this celebration.

And you two

deserve each other,

as well as

a lifetime of happiness.

Thank you.

ANNlE: Cheers.

Love you guys.

GUESTS :Cheers.

Thanks, Annie.

Cheers.

Thank you, Annie.

That was so sweet.

Thank you.

Lil, remember that trip

we took to

Miami with the boys?

And they were

working the entire weekend,

and we just sat

and drank wine

and ate peanut brittle.

And l shared things with you

that l've never

shared with anyone.

And you made me realize

how l can trust people again.

So let me just say,

Lillian,

you are my best friend.

(CRYlNG) And l'm

so proud of you.

Sorry. And, Dougly. . .

l'm sorry, inside joke.

You better not

keep my Lil on a leash

because l still

need my drunken

Saturday nights

at Rockin' Sushi, okay?

(CHEERlNG)

Everybody raise your glasses

to the couple of the decade,

Doug and Lillian.

(WHOOPlNG)

(GUESTS WHOOPlNG)

Have a great night.

Dessert wine is out.

Dessert wine, yummy.

Excuse me.

Umm. . .

l just wanted to

say really quick that

(SlGHlNG)

you are so special

to me, because. . .

Well, one of the reasons is

because l've known you

my whole entire life.

And you've really

helped shape who l am.

l just want to thank you

for carefully selecting me

as your maid of honor.

l know you had

some other choices,

but you are like my sister,

and l love you.

Well, that concludes

the speeches for the night.

Thank you.

One last thing.

lt's rare to meet

someone as an adult

who you really connect with,

and that's you, Lil.

l went to Thailand recently

with my husband, Perry,

and there is

a beautiful saying

that l learned there.

(SPEAKlNG THAl)

lt means,

"You are a part of me,

"a part that l could

never live without,

"and l hope and l pray

that l never have to."

(THANKlNG lN THAl)

(BOTH THANKlNG lN THAl)

And that's it for tonight.

Thank you for coming.

Really quick,

Thank you all for coming.

l just wanted to

say really quick. . .

Dessert wine is out.

Consuelo?

Really quick.

Speaking of Consuelo,

Lillian and l took

Spanish together in school.

And so, l would just

like to say to you,

and to everyone here. . .

(SPEAKlNG SPANlSH)

Thank you.

Thank you.

l feel so close to you

and can trust you.

You are my

angel and soul mate.

And l feel l can

communicate with you

with simply a look.

Thank you for coming.

Here, l'll take that.

l'll take that.

Yep, l got it.

Lillian. . .

Keep smiling, keep shining

Knowing you can

always count on me

For sure

That's what friends are for

ln good times and bad times

I'II be on your

side forever more

That's what friends are for

That's what

friends are for

(GUESTS CHEERlNG)

LlLLlAN: Man,

engagement parties rule.

lt made me feel awesome,

like l can go out

and catch another

dude to marry.

So, what's up with her,

anyway? With Helen?

What?

l'm just like. . .

l don't know.

She's in your wedding

and you've only

known her eight months,

though, right?

Come on.

Get it out,

get it all out.

l'm just. . .

Like, the whole gown,

and the. . .thing.

lt's just weird, right?

You know what?

She's actually

really cool, Annie.

She's really. . .

She's a good one.

l'm telling you.

Well, l'm sure if you

like her, l will like her.

You have to just

get to know her.

Yeah.

Which l think

you really should.

And. . . Will you

just do me a favor?

Would you just hang

out with her once,

just the two of you.

All right?

As a favor to me.

Okay, l will.

l love you, Annie Lou.

l love you, too.

Bye.

Bye.

(lMlTATlNG VOlCE)

Oh. Hi, l'm Helen.

You live in Milwaukee?

l'm sorry.

Have you met Lillian?

She's my best friend.

Yeah, l know.

We've only known each other

for five minutes.

Oh ! Oh !

(TlRES SCREECHlNG)

(SlREN WAlLlNG)

Oh ! Cute.

No. No. Come on.

See? Okay?

l'm not drunk. l told you.

So, you are just

a terrible sober driver?

Ha ha. Very funny.

Can l stop walking now?

You can stop walking

when l tell you

to stop walking.

Hey, look.

lf l was drunk,

would l be able to do this?

Stop it. Stop it.

Please, stop.

Please, stop.

l believe you.

You are not drunk.

But l'm still gonna

have to give you a ticket.

What? Why?

lt's a funny thing

about brake lights.

You have to have them.

l knew it.

God, those have

been out for a year.

l'm so stupid.

Look, please.

Please, l promise

l will get them fixed.

This week, l promise.

Please. Do you have

to give me a ticket?

Yes. License

and registration,

please.

Thanks.

Look at that,

you live on

Wynnewood Drive.

Yep.

We are neighbors.

l just live

over on Ashley.

Ahh.

l used to work on Ashley.

You did? Where?

l had a bakery

on the main part

of the street there.

Oh. Cake Baby.

You are Cake Baby!

Yeah !

Yeah, you had your sign.

lt was your face.

Yeah !

That was you?

That was me.

You made good cakes.

Thanks.

You used to make these

little pastry things,

and you'd put

something in them,

like a cream or a custard. . .

Cream puffs.

Cream puffs,

that's what you call them.

Delicious.

l used to get served

by this tall, broad guy,

with, like, a wormy face.

Yeah, that was my boyfriend.

Sorry.

No, no. lt was. . .

He was my boyfriend,

and then he left me

when the business

went under. So, anyway. . .

You're kidding?

What a dick.

l'm glad

l never tipped him.

You know what?

Let's forget about this.

Let's just

forget this one.

Really?

Under one condition.

What? What?

Get your

taillights fixed. . .

l promise.

l promise l will.

l promise. Thank you.

. . .before you kill someone.

l'm not going to

kill anybody.

All right.

Here, there's your lD.

And l'm going

to give you this.

lt's a buddy of mine.

He has a body

shop in Milwaukee.

He'll fix those

right up for you.

Bill Cozbi?

Yeah, with a "Z."

Different guy.

Yeah.

And don't mention

the whole "Bill

Cosby" thing to him.

lt drives him nuts.

l mean it.

Okay, l get it. Thanks.

You know what?

lf you mention my name,

that l referred you,

he'll give you

a particularly

good deal.

My gosh. Thank you.

l really appreciate it.

Thanks.

Okay. Well,

l appreciated your cakes.

So, we are even.

That's me, there.

Rhodes. Officer Rhodes.

That's really

nice of you.

Thank you.

(ENGlNE STARTS)

We are not all bad.

What?

l was just saying,

we are not all bad !

Oh. Yeah.

Actually, the rest of

them are, but not me.

l'm the best of them.

Okay. Thank you.

Anyway.

Thank you.

l didn't know

you played tennis.

Yeah, l played

a little in

high school.

l'm so glad we

were able to do this.

l'm really glad we

could do this, too.

lt's nice we get to hang out.

l know, right?

Yeah.

lt's too bad

Lillian couldn't play

with us today.

Poor thing, she is so busy.

Ohh. l know.

But she's not really

that into sports.

Even when we were little,

she didn't like anything

that was too competitive.

She certainly enjoys

playing tennis now.

lt's funny how

people change, isn't it?

Yeah. l mean, l don't know.

Do people really change?

l think they do.

Yeah, but, l mean,

they still stay

who they are, pretty much.

l think we change

all the time.

l think we stay the same,

but grow,

l guess, a little bit.

l think if you are growing,

then you are changing.

But, l mean, we are changing

from who we are,

which we always stay as.

Not really,

l don't think so.

l think so.

l don't.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Annie! These are my kids.

Step-kids.

Step.

(LAUGHlNG LOUDLY)

They are so hilarious.

Funny.

Excuse me,

my husband's kids.

HELEN: What are

you guys up to?

Going to the snack bar.

Awesome. You need

a ride home later?

Fuck off, Helen.

Okay. Put a quarter

in the swear-jar.

Good to see you.

They are so cute.

Sweet kids.

(EXCLAlMS)

(GROANlNG)

Carol !

Get your shit together, Carol !

(SCREAMlNG)

(GRUNTlNG)

(EXCLAlMS)

(SCREAMlNG)

Yes!

(ANNlE WHOOPlNG)

l've seen better

tennis playing in

a tampon commercial.

Umm. . .

l've been thinking, and. . .

Brynn needs to start

paying rent. That's it.

She's been here

long enough.

The three of us live here,

it's not fair for

me to be paying half.

We split it three ways.

What do you say?

Well, she can't work.

She's on a tourist visa.

Yeah. So, technically,

l'm only allowed to tour.

Well, you know. . .

l have no way

of earning money,

unless l just

go and prostitute

down on the street.

l don't want you

to do that, no.

"Hello, fellas.

Here l am."

Yeah, but we. . .

"Put your American sausage

"in my English McMuffin."

No, we did that.

All right.

Okay, l don't even know

what you're

talking about anymore.

There's three

people living here.

Yeah.

lf she doesn't

start paying. . .

BRYNN: l'm not.

. . .she has to leave.

ls this about

the diary again?

What diary?

Your diary proved

very interesting to read.

You read my. . .

You read my journal?

At first, l did not know

that it was your diary.

l thought it was

a very sad,

hand-written book.

What? That does not

make any. . .

But, because of

the deep personal details

and the bits that

mentioned Gil and Brynn. . .

ANNlE: No, no, no, no.

Don't read my journal !

GlL: And the crumbs.

Then. . .

Don't go in my room !

Well, hello! l think,

before you make

those sort of demands,

you need to,

maybe, think about

putting a note on

your door saying,

"Do not come into my room,

read my diary and

wear my clothes."

BECCA: Wow, l've never been

to this part of town before.

Look, you can get

your checks cashed

next door.

l know it looks

a little scary

on the outside,

but the food

is really good,

authentic Brazilian.

ANNlE: l'm telling you,

this is where

Brazilians come to eat.

l got to say, Annie's

really good at this.

She always drags me

to the weirdest places

and the food is

always incredible.

And plus, you get

a lot for your money, too.

So that's good.

All right.

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

Whoa! Somebody

likes Brazilian food.

To my bridesmaids.

Cheers.

ALL: Cheers.

Cheers to Lil !

This is such a stone-cold pack

of weirdos, and l'm so proud.

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

And l just want to

toast all of you ladies.

l'm so happy to

get to know you guys,

and happy to say

that l have four new friends.

Absolutely. Cheers.

(WAlTER SPEAKlNG SPANlSH)

l hope that you're all hungry

for churrasco Brasil.

What would you like?

Yeah, l'll have

some of that, please.

l'll start with this.

l'd say yes.

Hello, chicken.

This is crazy good,

ya'll.

Helen, aren't you

eating any meat?

Oh. . .

lt's not good

to eat a big meal

before a fitting.

l feel a bit bloated, so. . .

Not me.

HELEN: No?

No. Physically,

l don't bloat.

Lucky.

That is lucky.

lt's a gift.

l can't wait to be married

for as long as

you've been married.

And to have kids.

And be a mom.

Becca?

Yeah?

The other night,

l'm slaving away,

making a beautiful

dinner for my family.

My youngest boy comes in

and says he wants

to order a pizza.

l said, "No, we're not

ordering pizza tonight."

He goes, "Mom,

why don't you go

and fuck yourself?"

He's nine.

Okay, now that

Lillian's in the bathroom,

l just wanted to

talk to you guys about

the shower really quick.

l was thinking it

could be French-themed,

since she's always wanted

to go to Paris her whole life.

So l figured we

could bring Paris here

and have champagne

and little cookies.

They'd say "Lillian

and Dougie" on them.

We can dip them in

chocolate fondue,

and get cheese from

the nice part of the store.

l love that.

Good idea, Annie.

We can have

French invitations,

the whole thing.

Don't you think

that'd be nice?

That's adorable!

That's really cute.

Good. Great.

l don't know.

lt's really cute.

But l feel like,

personally, the Paris theme's

a bit,

"Been there, done that."

l just feel

like we can top it.

We should throw

some ideas around.

See if anyone else

has a theme they had in mind

or something

they'd been thinking of.

What about

a Pixar-themed shower?

And we all come dressed

as our favorite

Pixar character.

That, and l'll just

snowball on top of that,

also Fight Club.

Female fight club.

We grease up,

we pull in.

Lillian doesn't know,

so it's, "Surprise!

We're going to fight!"

We beat the shit out of her.

She's not going

to forget that.

We just fucking attack.

Can l be honest?

No.

l'm at home with

three boys all day,

every day.

What about

the bachelorette party?

That's what's more important.

l've got a new tube top,

l want to cut the tags off.

l'd like to take

advantage of this opportunity.

Where are we going?

MEGAN: l'm going

to second her.

We'd better

blow this shit out.

Yeah.

That poor girl, Lillian,

who we're all here for,

is in the bathroom

probably bawling her

fucking eyes out.

Because she's realizing,

"Holy shit!

"l've got to spend

the rest of my life

with Doug."

He's my brother. l love him.

But he is a fucking asshole.

l think we can all

agree on that, right?

We can. . .

We'll figure it out.

l mean, l can think of stuff,

and it will be great.

We just have to make sure

it's really, really special.

Belle en Blanc?

This is the place.

Great job, Annie.

Thanks.

Annie.

Belle en Blanc.

Reservation name?

l don't have one.

We're just here to shop,

just to try on some dresses.

Okay. Well, the next

avaiIabIe appointment

for bridesmaids'

fittings is in seven weeks.

AbsoIuteIy no waIk-ins.

Whitney? lt's Helen.

Helen Harris?

Yeah !

Hi!

Hi.

Oh, my God. Hi. Listen,

I'II buzz you right in.

Great, thanks.

Okay.

Hello. Welcome, come in.

You look wonderful.

Great to see you.

Welcome to Belle

en Blanc, ladies.

Welcome to heaven.

LlLLlAN: Thank you.

MEGAN: Oh, man !

This is some

classy shit here.

(BELCHES)

Jesus, Megan !

l'm sorry,

l want to apologize.

l'm not even confident

on which end that came out of.

Whitney, back to you.

l'm sorry.

Anyway, take a look around.

Get to know the dresses.

lf you need anything,

l'll be in my office.

Have fun.

Oh, my God.

lt's a Fritz Bernaise.

Ladies, l. . .

Oh, my God !

l just don't think

we can do any better.

This is. . .

This is beautiful.

That is gorgeous.

lt's unique,

it's special, it's couture.

This is made in France.

Helen, this is $800.

Are you kidding?

lt's on sale.

LlLLlAN: Are you serious?

Oh, my gosh.

What a perfect combination.

HELEN: You guys,

it was meant to be.

Oh. That's nice.

There's other dresses

we should be looking at.

Nope, not that one.

Lillian,

Lillian, look at this one.

lsn't this pretty?

Yeah.

lt's really pretty

and sweet, and. . .

We don't want to

upstage Lillian

with a big fancy dress.

Maybe we should

just get something

kind of simple.

Oh.

Please do not worry

about upstaging me.

Because guess who

Helen is friends with

and who's

designing my wedding dress.

Lady St. Petsois JuJu.

l just sent my

measurements to France, y'all.

RlTA: No, you didn't.

Where were you when l

was getting married?

Ladies, let's not decide

on this bridesmaids'

dress straight away.

Let's let

our bodies decide.

Try some things on

and have some fun, okay?

Yeah, let's have

some fun, girls.

Ladies,

start your "engines."

RlTA: Oh, yeah.

BECCA: Lil, Lil.

LlLLlAN: Amazing.

This is so cool.

(STOMACH GURGLlNG)

(SlGHS)

(CHATTERlNG)

Ladies. Ladies,

if l may interject.

l just want to say

you all look stunning.

That's a given. Head to toe.

But, sadly,

we need to agree on one.

Well, l mean, ladies,

you all look beautiful.

But l just think,

personally, the

Fritz Bernaise is just. . .

l mean. . .

lt's a Bernaise.

HELEN: This is

one of a kind.

l just. . .

l don't think

there is a question.

No. No question.

There might be a question.

l might. . .

l might have a question.

l think this

dress would look great

on everybody.

lt's a great color.

lt's a great length.

lt's fun. You can twirl.

You can move in it.

You can spread

your legs apart.

And it's a great price.

This is designer as well.

(STOMACH GURGLlNG)

ls anyone else hot?

lt is like an

oven in here.

Okay, well,

maybe this might

help you decide.

While you gals were

in the changing room,

l happened to rustle up

a two-year-old Lady

JuJu dress in storage.

l had Lillian put it

on so you could see

what you'll be

standing next to.

Lillian, honey.

My God.

(GlRLS GASPlNG)

Beautiful length.

Breathtaking.

Holy shit!

You look amazing.

That's a dress.

That dress is so pretty

it makes my stomach hurt.

Lillian,

l don't know what to say.

You look. . .

(RETCHES)

Megan, are you okay?

(RETCHlNG AND FARTlNG)

MEGAN: l think. . .

My dress was

probably just tight.

Oh, my God.

You got food poisoning

from that restaurant,

didn't you?

No, l had the same thing

that she had and l feel fine.

(RETCHES)

Oh, my. . . Okay.

Oh, no.

Why is this happening?

Nothing is happening.

(FARTlNG)

Oh, my God.

(FARTlNG)

RlTA: l don't really care

which dress we get.

lt doesn't matter to me.

l just need to get

off this white carpet.

Oh, God.

Okay. No,

not the bathroom.

Everybody go outside.

l'm serious!

There is a bathroom

across the street.

l think everybody

has the flu.

Shit!

(RETCHlNG VlOLENTLY)

l need the toilet!

l need the toilet!

(GROANlNG)

l need the toilet!

No!

No. No, Megan.

No! No!

Look away!

Megan, no!

Look away!

(GROANlNG)

You don't look

very well, Annie.

l feel fine.

Are you sure?

lt wasn't that

gray kind of lamb?

You ate a lot of

that weird chicken.

Was it that?

No. l'm. . .

l. . . l feel fine.

l think you'd just feel

better if you threw up.

l don't have. . .

l don't have to throw up.

(RETCHlNG)

l am so sorry.

Get away from me!

You're not sick?

No.

No?

ln fact, Helen, l'm hungry.

And l wish l had a snack.

You're hungry?

l'm starving.

What did we eat?

The sink is a goner.

What are you doing?

lt's coming out

of me like lava!

(RETCHlNG)

Oh, my God.

Don't you

fucking look at me!

(RETCHlNG)

(GROANlNG)

Hmm?

Jordan almonds.

These are great.

Thank you.

Better?

l was. . .

l was just hungry.

Yeah.

Annie, everybody

is really sick

from that restaurant.

(GROANlNG)

But it wasn't

the restaurant.

No, no, no, no.

Lillian,

where are you going?

No.

l need a bathroom.

Lil !

No. No.

Lil, where are you going?

(TlRES SCREECHlNG)

(HORN BLARlNG)

HELEN: Be careful.

What are you doing?

lt's happening.

lt's happening.

lt happened.

ANNlE: What are you doing?

lt happened.

No. Don't you

dare ruin that dress!

Ohh. You're really

doing it, aren't you?

You're really

shitting in the street.

(HORN HONKlNG)

We'll just take five

of the Fritz Bernaises.

Thank you, Whitney.

They really do look better.

Right.

Thank you.

You okay?

l just took a shit in

the middle of the street.

l just shit.

People do that.

l shit. . . l shitted in

my shorts. l shit myself.

That was fun.

Oh, my gosh.

(SlGHS)

You know what l was thinking?

You should come with me

to Lillian's wedding, maybe.

Not like that.

Not like anything serious.

But just like

a fun time, you know?

We can get dressed up,

and we can go

dancing and have a drink.

lt'll be fun, right?

(GROANS)

No. l mean,

l don't want to make

you have to explain

to all those people

what our relationship is.

That would suck for you.

Right?

Yeah. l guess so.

l'm just thinking of you.

Yeah.

No, it's okay.

l have someone else

l can ask, anyway. So. . .

(SCOFFS)

Really?

Yeah.

Who?

Umm. . .

This guy, George.

George Glass.

Okay.

Who is this George?

He is a very hot, nice guy

who likes me a lot,

and would probably

love to be my date.

Really?

Mmm-hmm.

Mmm-hmm.

(MOANS)

Well, let me ask you this.

Can this George Glass

do this to you?

Probably.

You know what?

lt's getting really late.

You should probably go.

l'm going to miss you so much.

Oh.

(KNOCKlNG ON GLASS)

Annie Walker.

Hi.

Hey.

Hey.

What brings you

in here so early?

l've just had a bad night.

Boy stuff.

Ohh.

Do you want me

to arrest anybody?

l could do that.

Actually. . . No.

Do you want to talk

to a cop about it?

We are just like priests.

Except we can

tell everybody

about it afterwards.

Oh.

l won't, though.

Doesn't sound very inviting.

You want a carrot?

Right now?

Yeah.

l'll share.

l've got plenty.

Sure, l'll have a carrot.

Yeah?

Okay.

Ohh. Yeah,

that sounds rough.

lt's going to

get better, right?

l wouldn't have

thought so.

You know, my sister

was a maid of honor

at our cousin's wedding,

and she found it so stressful,

her hair started falling out.

That's terrible.

Yeah.

lt grew back,

but it was. . .

lt was pretty gross.

Planning a wedding

should be fun.

You know what?

lf l ever had a wedding,

l'd want everybody

to be stress-free.

l'd like it to be

like a carnival.

Like, people win prizes

for guessing

the bride's weight.

Dunk tanks.

Yeah.

You know?

Mmm-hmm.

You could have elephants,

and the bride and groom

can walk on

a little tightrope.

Okay, what you are

talking about there,

that's a circus wedding.

lt's a totally different. . .

Right.

You missed it.

Yeah.

Hey, you know,

instead of stressing

out about this wedding,

you know what you

should be doing?

Setting up a new bakery!

(CHUCKLES)

Hmm.

No, l'm kind of

done with that.

What?

l don't do it anymore.

All right.

Ew.

Oh !

You got the ugly carrot.

What?

There is one in every bag.

You have to eat it.

lt's good luck.

l'm not eating this.

Yeah ! l'll eat it.

lt's the lucky carrot?

No, don't eat it!

Don't eat it. Don't eat it!

Well, don't litter!

l'll fine you.

l'm sorry.

You know what?

Actually,

l'm going to pick it up.

lt really bothers me.

Sorry.

l'm sorry.

lt's just that l'm anal

about that kind of thing.

l didn't know that

you could be a cop here

if you weren't a citizen.

You can't.

No?

No. No, you can't.

But they made

a special dispensation

because l'm so

tough and strong.

Oh. Right.

And handsome.

Okay.

You're pretty. . .

You're pretty tough.

l am tough.

You're tough.

You're a tough cop.

Look. You're saying it,

but you're laughing.

No, you're. . .

You're. . .

You didn't let

me flex that time.

That was unfair.

l'm really tough.

So am l.

No.

Yeah. l could be a cop.

You think

you could be a cop?

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Let's see.

You know what?

The sun is nearly up.

Let's go and see if

you've got what it takes.

That's right.

Now, plant your feet.

ANNlE: Okay.

Good.

And take aim.

Now, put your left

hand behind your head.

Yeah. And just

drop your left hip.

(WOLF WHlSTLES)

l'm kidding. Put your

arms out straight.

Okay.

You want to hit the middle

of the license plate.

That's where you get

the most accurate reading.

Okay.

Okay, here we go.

You ready?

Okay.

(RADAR GUN BEEPlNG)

(RADAR GUN BEEPS)

Fifty-eight.

What's the speed limit?

Fifty-five.

Okay, they were all right.

We'll let them go.

You were born

to do this.

Look at you.

Okay.

All right,

here we go.

(RADAR GUN BEEPS)

Sixty-three.

You are missing

some good ones here.

People are on

their way to work.

Why ruin their day?

Okay, watch this. 48.

(RADAR GUN BEEPlNG)

Forty-eight.

How did you do that?

lt wasn't!

Yes, it was.

That's never happened.

Are you serious?

lt was 48?

Yes, 48!

Yeah.

l'm so impressed.

l'm pretty impressive.

l'm very impressed by you.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Damn !

That was 91 .

91 ?

Yes. Can we go?

We can go.

Come on, hot dogger.

(ENGlNE STARTS)

(SlREN WAlLlNG)

RHODES: Let's get that fucker.

ANNlE: Oh, my God !

(LAUGHlNG)

Oh, my God !

. . .family lake house. Perfect.

(PHONE RlNGlNG)

Hello?

l just got your e-mail.

Lake house?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's

Lillian's parents' house.

We used to go there

all the time in the

summers and everything.

It's one of...

A bachelorette in a cabin?

(PHONE BEEPS)

Wait. Can you. . .

Hold that thought. Hold on.

Hello?

Fucking Helen. Hello?

Annie, it's Rita.

Hi.

Listen, l need a trip

that l can fantasize forever

so that l am able to

have sex with my husband.

That's why

I'm thinking Vegas.

Vegas?

Hang on. Hey!

Shut your filthy

fucking mouths! I'm sorry.

l'm surrounded by savages.

(PHONE BEEPS)

You know what?

l should probably run.

My other line is ringing.

You know, l can get cocaine

from my hairdresser.

Okay, bye. Hello?

Annie.

Yeah?

l'm so excited.

Helen just called.

She said we can go to Vegas.

You know. . .

Yeah, but we have to. . .

We have to fly there, and. . .

Okay, Annie, l know

you are afraid of flying,

but l want to see Criss Angel,

but I'm scared.

Which l sort of love.

(PHONE BEEPS)

Can you just hold on

for one second?

Oh, sure, sure, sure. I...

Thanks. Hold on.

God damn it.

HeIIo?

Hey, Annie, it's Megan.

Hey.

l just had some thoughts

about the bachelorette party.

Okay, here we go.

Easy-peasy. Vegas it is.

(CLlCKS TONGUE)

Helen called you,

didn't she?

Yeah, she got the jump on you.

l want balls in my face.

Honestly, l think it's Vegas.

l love puppets.

Balls.

l guess we are undecided.

l feel so bad Annie's

stuck back in coach.

l know, l offered

to pay for her

so she could sit

in first class,

but she said no.

She's too proud.

lt was nice of you to offer.

No carry-on, huh?

No.

Yeah, l noticed.

l noticed you

didn't put anything

in the overhead bin either.

And l get it.

l get it. l want you to know,

protect and serve

Air Marshal-style.

What?

l don't want to

infringe on your privacy, man.

l just. . . l really appreciate

what you do for this country.

And l respect

the hell out of you.

That's great.

l'm not an Air Marshal.

l'm going to take a nap.

Awesome.

Cool.

l'll take the first watch.

l'm not an Air Marshal.

You don't need

to take a watch.

Okay.

l've got the first watch.

PlLOT: Please check

your seatbeIts

and that your seat backs

are in an upright

position before takeoff.

Gosh.

l am really hoping

this flight is quick,

and we get there on

the ground safely.

l'm not a good flyer,

l'm sorry.

l had a dream last

night that we went down.

Yep. lt was terrible.

You were in it.

What?

lt sounds like

something's happening.

(MOANlNG)

Annie, what are you

doing up here?

You are supposed

to be in your seat.

l know.

l'm freaking out

a little bit.

Ma'am, we're still ascending.

You're gonna need to

return to your seat.

Okay, l was just. . .

Annie, l have something.

Take two, you'll fall asleep,

wake up and we'll be there.

Here.

(PLANE RATTLlNG)

Ma'am, you're going

to have to return to

your seat, please.

lt's fine.

Okay. All right.

STEWARDESS: Ma'am !

All right. All right.

Oh, my God, l feel terrible.

l should be sitting

back there with her.

l shouldn't be up

here in first class.

l feel like such a jerk.

Lil, this is

your weekend, okay?

You are

treating yourself.

Just relax.

She will be fine.

She will make friends.

There is much more sense

of community in coach,

l promise you.

She'll be fine.

l can't believe

you've never been

with anybody else.

Just Kevin.

l'm sorry. l just. . .

Becca, l just can't

help but feel bad for you.

You don't even

know what you want.

l got to know where

you keep the gun, man.

l mean, is it ankle,

hip, lower back?

You don't. . .

Between the cheeks, do you?

No, l don't stick

a gun up my butt.

That's stupid.

l didn't say "up."

l just knew of a guy,

that guy did a lot

of undercover work.

And all l know is

he had tape marks

all up and down his cheeks.

That can't be true.

People don't keep

guns up their asses

because if you

needed to use it,

how are you going to get it?

He cut a hole in his pocket.

What?

ln his back pocket.

You have got to get

something out of your ass

and you cut a hole in

the back of your jeans,

you want to tell me

you can't get to something?

l don't have a gun

for you to put up my ass

to make your point.

l can put my Nano.

l will show you.

l will. . .

lf you get me scissors,

l will cut

a hole in my pocket.

And you will

never find this again

until l want you to find it.

Kevin can only have sex

in bed, in the dark,

under the covers,

only after

we have showered

separately.

And sometimes,

by the time

we are finished

cleaning ourselves,

he's too tired.

And then l pretend l'm tired,

but l'm not tired.

l'm not tired. l'm not tired.

That's why every girl needs

those slutty college years.

To experiment,

get it out of your system,

find out what you like.

Excuse me, could l

have a glass of alcohol

when you get a chance?

Two double

Seven and Sevens.

ls that. . .

You will like it.

lt's sweet.

l have to go

to the bathroom.

But l heard about

a woman who went to

the bathroom on a plane.

She got sucked

into the toilet.

Sucked right in.

Are you okay?

Yes.

Yeah, l just think

that what you gave me

didn't really do anything.

l just have too much adrenalin

or something. But, thanks.

Why don't you take

my scotch?

lt will just give the pill

a little kick that it needs.

Honestly,

l do it all the time.

Yeah?

Yeah, and l'm much

smaller than you,

so you'll handle it.

Well, thanks.

Yeah?

Okay.

(EXHALES)

Yummy?

Yeah, it's good.

You should just toss it back.

Don't waste any more time.

Okay.

Ohh. Look at that.

Okay, that'll do it.

That'll do it.

So you don't even

have sex anymore?

No, l have sex constantly.

The sex is constant.

But he hasn't

kissed me in five years.

What are you doing

when you are

having sex, then?

Thinking about other things

and wishing it would stop.

You know, sometimes

l just want to watch

The Daily Show

without him entering me.

lt's the Wet

Republic Ultra Pool.

No.

Are you kidding?

What is it again?

HELEN: There is a bar in

the pool and a tiger.

LlLLlAN: What?

HELEN: lt's crazy.

lt's Vegas at its best.

Wait a minute.

ls this that place

that was on The Real World?

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God. lt's. . .

Hey, buddy.

How you doing?

l'm good.

l'm so much more relaxed.

Thank you, Helen.

l just feel like

l'm excited,

and l feel relaxed.

(TALKlNG LOUDLY)

And l'm ready

to party

with the best of them !

And I'm going to

go down to the river

Wow! lt looks like somebody

is really relaxing now.

What are you guys

talking about up here?

We are going to

a restaurant tonight.

l know the owner, so. . .

You do?

Ohh. Helen knows the owner.

Uhh !

Big whoop.

Let's go take a nap.

What do you say?

Miss, you cannot be up here.

(lMlTATlNG OLD MAN)

Hello, grandpa.

l'm sorry.

l just want

to be here with

my friends,

because l'm

with this group.

The sign just went off.

Can't she stay up here

for a minute and just talk?

STEWARD: Absolutely not.

Coach passengers

are not allowed

up here in first class.

lt's policy.

l'm sorry.

Ooh !

This is a very

strict plane

that l'm on.

(lMlTATlNG GERMAN ACCENT)

Welcome to Germany.

Auf Wiedersehen, asshole.

All right.

Why don't you go lay down?

l'm going to go take a nap.

l'm tired.

l think it's a good idea.

Catch you on the flip side,

motherfuckers.

l'm sorry.

l'm leaving.

Thank you.

This should be open,

because it's civil rights.

This is the '90s.

Right. lt's not.

You're in the wrong decade.

You are.

Okay, l am.

Thank you.

Holy shit.

What did you give her?

(SEATBELT SlGN BEEPS)

Miss?

No. lt's not me.

Yes, it is you.

Please go back

to your seat.

Yes, l am with him.

l am Mrs. lglesias.

No, you are not.

You were just out here

and you put sunglasses on.

Out.

But l don't want to.

Sir, she can

have my seat, okay?

Everyone should

experience first class

at least once in their lives.

And Annie shouldn't

miss out just because

she can't afford it.

No, ma'am, l'm

afraid that's not allowed.

Help me, l'm poor.

LlLLlAN: No, listen,

we're a whole wedding party.

l'm the bride.

l'm getting married.

This seat is empty.

She's obviously nervous.

We'll calm her down and. . .

l understand.

But Claire is right.

Everybody,

go back to your seats.

Okay, you especially.

You have three seconds

to get back to your seat.

(GROANS)

You can't get

anywhere in three seconds.

Well, you'd better try.

You are setting me

up for a loss already.

Thank you.

Whatever you say, Stove.

lt's Steve.

(RASPlNG)

"Stove."

What kind of name is that?

That's not a name.

My name is Steve.

Are you an appliance?

No, l'm a man,

and my name is Steve.

You are a flight attendant.

That's absolutely

accurate.

You can close that.

Thank you.

(SlGHS)

Hey, not-Air Marshall Jon.

You want to get

back in that restroom

and not rest?

No, l have to get

back to my seat.

Yeah, you gotta

get back on my seat.

(SCATTlNG TUNE)

You get it?

Yeah,

l definitely

got it.

Oh-oh. What's that?

l got to get back to my seat.

Could you just

move your leg, please?

l got to go.

Oh-oh.

Oh-oh.

Somebody found a souvenir.

You feel that

steam heat coming?

That's from my undercarriage.

That can go up

and higher.

Okay.

Jon, get us a blanket.

No.

l got to take a whiz

and l'll be right back.

Cool.

l don't want you to be

a big fuck-up like me.

How do you think l feel?

Like me.

You can still

turn it around.

No, don't.

Stop it!

You are more

beautiful than

Cinderella.

You smell like

pine needles and you

have a face like sunshine.

(EXHALlNG)

(PLANE RATTLlNG)

What?

Oh, no.

(lNTERCOM BEEPS)

Ladies and gentIemen,

as you can see,

the captain has turned on

the "fasten seatbeIt" sign.

It appears we've run into

a rough patch of weather...

ANNlE: (ON lNTERCOM)

I have an announcement, too.

There is a CoIoniaI woman

on the wing.

There's a woman on the wing.

I saw her.

There's something

they're not teIIing us!

Steve.

All right.

There's a CoIoniaI woman.

She was churning

butter on that wing.

Steve, get her.

She is out there right now.

Shit!

Everyone, remain calm !

l'm an Air Marshal.

Yes! l knew it.

l got your back, Jon !

There is a woman on the wing.

I saw her.

There's something

they're not teIIing us.

Let's get out!

Let's open the doors

and get out!

She is dressed in

traditional Colonial garb.

Say goodbye!

We are going down !

Stay calm.

ANNlE: There is something

they are not telling us.

There is a Colonial

woman on the wing.

l will cover the pilot!

(CLAMORlNG)

Who is she?

What does she want?

Just let me make it

up to you, please.

l'm telling you,

your shower is

going to be amazing.

l have so many ideas.

l want to talk to

you about the shower.

l feel like

it has been really

overwhelming for you.

lt's just starting

to make you crazy.

No, Lil, l'm fine.

l mean. . .

Lil, l'm fine.

No, you're not fine.

You are not fine, Annie,

and we need things to just

flow smoothly from now on

and Helen just knows

how to do this kind of stuff.

She does it all the time.

She is good at it.

She likes doing it.

This way you don't have to

plan any more

lunches or trips.

You don't have to do anything

you don't want to do.

l get it.

l think it'll be

best here on out

for the shower

and for everything.

Yeah,

whatever you want.

l mean,

it's probably best.

l think so, right?

Yeah.

l just want you

to be happy.

l think that

will make me happy.

lt will be good.

Okay.

Okay.

Good.

Hey.

Do you want to hang out?

(RHODES LAUGHlNG)

ANNlE: lt's not funny!

Stop laughing.

RHODES: lt's a little funny.

None of those girls

are laughing, believe me.

lt's not funny.

Have you ever been

kicked off a plane?

l can't say that l have.

Thank you.

All of the girls

hate me right now.

You are like

the maid of dishonor.

(GROANS)

l hope Lillian isn't

going to be mad at me

for too long.

No, she will be all right.

l don't know,

l just wish things were

the way that they

used to be, you know.

l feel like her

life is going off

and getting perfect,

and mine is just like. . .

lt will turn around,

you know.

l have been hearing

that for a long time.

lt's going to turn around.

l just know it.

Anyway.

You got to bake.

l don't really do

that anymore, l told you.

Why?

l don't know,

it's just. . .

l don't know,

after it just went under,

l just, kind of,

stopped, l guess.

lt doesn't make

me happy anymore.

Just because you didn't

make any money at it,

doesn't mean that

you failed at it.

l lost a lot of money.

All my money.

But you are so good at it.

Oh, well.

Let's change the subject.

No more baking.

l'm done.

l don't know how

you just can't do it anymore.

lf l wasn't a cop anymore,

l would still. . .

Arrest people?

. . .go out with

a gun and shoot people.

l probably wouldn't do that.

l'm just trying to

make you feel better.

You are okay, you know.

You don't

know me very well.

l know you well enough

to know that

you're not so bad.

You got some stuff.

Oh, yeah.

You got bits and

pieces going on.

Thanks.

l have been thinking

about you a little bit.

About me? Really?

There is something

about you.

Something about

you that sticks.

ANNlE: l hate buttons.

(RHODES MOANlNG)

Where is the bedroom?

(BELL RlNGS)

(BOTH GRUNTlNG)

Sorry. lt's a mountain bike.

Are you okay?

Do you like mountain biking?

Uh-huh.

(BOTH MOANlNG)

Take this off.

l'm so glad

this is happening.

So am l.

(MOANlNG)

Hello.

Morning.

Sorry, l didn't

mean to freak you out.

No, it's okay.

l haven't been

sitting here that long.

Oh.

(BOTH CHUCKLlNG NERVOUSLY)

Sorry, l guess l fell asleep.

l didn't mean to sleep over.

Don't be silly.

l made you a cappuccino.

Made it?

Yeah.

So, last night was fun.

lt was.

lt was very fun.

l had fun.

lt was fun.

lf you care to

accompany me to the kitchen,

the fun may continue.

A different kind of fun.

But why don't you

just get dressed

and whatever, and. . .

l left your

clothes over there.

Okay.

And l'll see you in there.

Okay.

RHODES: There she is.

Your workshop awaits.

l know it's a bit crazy,

but l popped out

and l got a few little

baking bits and pieces.

Butter, milk.

Because l thought

that it would be fun

for us to bake together today.

Obviously, you will

be doing the baking.

l will be doing the eating.

Because you are the expert.

Yeah, l don't. . .

l don't really wanna. . .

Sorry. You went to

all this trouble, but. . .

Come on, l know you haven't

done it in a while,

but it'll be great.

Don't be silly,

just get into it.

You are so good at it.

All right. l get it.

lt was a bit of a curve ball.

Yeah, l think

l'm going to go.

l'm sorry.

l should just

probably go.

Annie,

l don't know what

you are getting

so upset about.

Because you don't know me.

You don't know anything

about me or my life or. . .

Well, no, because. . .

l don't know what

you're trying to do here.

l don't need you to fix me.

To fix you?

l don't need any help.

l mean, who do

you think you are?

Jesus, Annie,

we had a really good time.

And now you are being all. . .

lt's my fault.

l shouldn't have

come here last night.

Last night was a mistake.

Fucking hell. All right.

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

Hey, it's LiIIian.

Leave a message

after the beep.

(PHONE BEEPS)

Hey, Lil, it's me.

Umm. . .

l'm sure you're probably still

a little bit mad at me,

but l hope not.

Anyway, the excitement

still continues with me.

l just slept with

a cop that pulled me over

and l woke up today,

and he was really

sweet and nice and cute.

So, naturally,

l ran out

as fast as l could.

What's wrong with me?

Umm. . .

Anyway, l know you

are busy and stuff,

so just call me

when you get a chance.

l'd love to talk

this out with you

when you can.

Okay, bye.

BRYNN: Annie! Annie, wake up.

lt's 1 1 :00 a.m.

Oh, shit.

You got a package.

l'd bring it to you,

but you said,

"Don't touch my things."

(MUSlC PLAYlNG SOFTLY)

(SlGHS)

PIease join us for

a Parisian brunch

at the home of

HeIen Harris III

to ceIebrate the marriage

of LiIIian Donovan

and DougIas Price.

Let us shower LiIIian

with gifts and Iove.

Répondez s'il vous plaít. Yay!

Excuse me.

Oh. Hi.

l'm looking for a birthday

gift for my best friend.

Oh.

l want to get her

a necklace that says,

"Best Friends Forever."

You sure you want

it to say "Forever"?

Yeah, why?

Come on. "Forever"?

Forever.

l don't think you guys

will be best friends forever.

No offense.

But you know. . .

The friends you have

when you are

younger sometimes. . .

Sometimes you grow apart

when you get older.

Maybe she'll find

a new best friend.

And maybe she

will be more

successful than you are

and prettier and

richer and skinnier

and they end up doing

everything together.

You are weird.

l'm not weird. Okay?

Yes, you are.

No, l'm not,

and you started it.

No, you started it.

Did you forget

to take your Xanax

this morning?

God, l feel bad

for your parents.

l feel bad for your face.

Okay, well,

call me when

your boobs come in.

You call me

when yours come in.

What, do you have

four boyfriends?

Exactly.

Yeah, okay, have fun

having a baby at your prom.

You look like an old mop.

You know what?

You're not as popular

as you think you are.

l am very popular.

l'm sure you are.

Very popular.

Well, you're an old,

single loser

who is never going

to have any friends.

You're a little cunt.

l'm sorry.

Let me tell my mom, okay.

l already told her.

Was she mad?

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

Hi, Annie,

it's Rhodes again.

Since you're not

returning any of my caIIs,

I assume that

you're not interested

in spending any

more time with me,

which is fine.

So don't worry,

I won't be bothering

you ever again.

Get those taillights fixed.

(HANGS UP)

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

We'd like to invite you

to no longer live

with us anymore.

What? What do you mean?

l don't get it.

The thing is,

we decided that it was

actually a bit immature

for a grown-up

brother and sister to

still be living

together with a roommate.

At our age, it's a bit

ridiculous, isn't it?

Yeah.

We look a bit silly,

don't we?

Pathetic.

So we are actually

going to live together alone.

Without you.

You're moving out.

She's not moving.

She will move.

Eventually.

Eventually.

She has to.

She is taking it in.

You have to leave.

Oh ! That's prickly.

Hi.

Hi.

Remember when you

thought l hit bottom?

That wasn't bottom.

(SlGHS)

Come here.

We're gonna have fun.

l, for one,

am really glad you're here.

And guess what?

Good timing.

You know what

just came in today

on the Netflix?

Cast Away. Tom Hanks.

lt's like Forrest Gump,

but on an island.

Honey, you are gonna love it.

(WHlSPERlNG) My God.

This is her driveway?

Who is that man?

Are you a guest of

Helen Harris lll?

Yes. Technically. l guess.

An attendant will

meet you at the stables.

Where?

The shower is over

the second bridge.

Pink lemonade?

Thank you.

l don't have a cup holder.

Can l just give that. . .

Pink lemonade.

Nice. Nice touch.

Shit.

God damn it, that's good.

Mmm.

(EXHALES)

Shit, that is fresh.

GlRL 1 : This is the most

beautiful shower

l have ever been to.

GlRL 2: Yes, and Helen

is giving out the

cutest party favors.

GlRL 1 : l know,

l love their pink berets.

Would you like

some champagne?

Yes.

lt's French.

Annie. Hey.

Hi.

How are you doing?

You're here.

Yeah, l'm here.

l was invited. Sorry.

Of course you were invited.

l just meant you have arrived.

No, l was just joking.

Okay. (CHUCKLES)

Can you believe this?

lsn't it amazing?

Yep.

Yeah. lt's nice.

Yeah. Pretty.

Are we okay?

Yes, l'm sorry

l haven't called.

l just didn't want

to bug you, but. . .

Forgive me.

lt just got crazy.

There has been lots

of organizing, and. . .

l have so much to tell you.

l have to say hi to my aunt

or she will get mad at my mom.

No, you gotta go do

your party rounds.

Yeah.

l'll see you in a minute.

Yeah. Okay.

Oh ! Rita,

you got all our towels.

Yes, l did.

Because l love you, kitten.

All right,

let's see what's next.

Another one,

another one, another one.

l know who this is from.

l can tell by the wrapping.

ls that you?

Annie, you made this.

Look.

Oh, man.

LlLLlAN: Oh, my gosh.

lt's us, Annie.

MEGAN: Oh, my God.

Let me see.

Oh, my God.

This is all my

favorite stuff from all the

stores l love in Milwaukee.

Annie!

This is so unbelievable.

Wilson Phillips.

(GlRLS LAUGHlNG)

Man, l love Wilson Phillips.

We listened to Hold On

probably 1 0,000 times

when l got my

driver's license.

This is such an amazing gift.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

l feel really bad, Lil,

l didn't get a chance

to actually get you a present

because l have been so busy

organizing the shower.

Helen, please.

lt's more than enough.

Here is a card to

say congratulations.

Thank you.

Gosh, you have

really outdone yourself.

Oh, my God, Helen.

WOMAN: Honey, what is it?

Helen's taking me

to Paris.

(GlRLS LAUGHlNG)

(GlRLS CHATTERlNG)

HELEN: Your face!

l got you. l fooled you.

Look at your face.

lt's just a little

pre-wedding vacation.

And while we're there,

we're gonna meet

the designer of her dress

and have a fitting.

LlLLlAN: You are

taking me to Paris?

Oh, my God ! This is

the best present ever!

Thank you so much.

LlLLlAN: Oh, my God.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Annie!

No, Mom.

Motherfucking Paris?

LlLLlAN: Annie,

what are you doing?

l told you about Paris, Helen.

l told you about

this whole idea!

Annie, calm down.

ANNlE: No, Lillian !

What, you're gonna

go to Paris with Helen now?

What, you guys are

gonna ride around

on bikes

with berets and

fucking baguettes

in the basket of

the front of your bikes?

How romantic!

What woman

gives another woman

a trip to Paris?

Am l right? Lesbian.

We're all thinking it,

aren't we?

l'm not.

Okay? Yes, we're all

thinking it, right?

l was.

Annie. . .

Lillian, this is not

the "you" that l know.

The "you" that l

know would have

walked in here

and rolled your eyes

and thought

this was completely

over-the-top,

ridiculous and stupid.

Look at this shower!

Look at that fucking cookie!

Did you really think

that this group of women

was going to

finish that cookie?

Really? You know what?

That reminds me, actually.

l never got a chance

to try that fucking cookie!

Stupid fucking cookie!

Delicious! Stupid cookie.

l think l'll. . .

Maybe it's better if l

dip it in the chocolate.

(ANNlE GRUNTlNG)

(GEESE HONKlNG)

(GROANlNG)

ls this what

you want, Lillian?

(ANNlE SCREAMlNG)

This is so awesome.

All right,

let's have some nice,

hot, unsanitary chocolate!

(GRUNTlNG)

Ahh ! lt's hot!

Jesus! God !

Christ, Annie.

Have you lost

your fucking mind?

What are you doing?

What am l doing?

You wouldn't know,

would you?

Where have you been?

You would have no idea.

Let me fill you in, okay?

Ever since you got engaged,

everything has turned to shit!

You know what?

This is supposed

to be about my time!

You have managed

to ruin every event

in my wedding.

Thank you very much.

Okay, well,

thank you very much.

lt's all her fault.

lt is not mine!

And you would know that,

if you got your

beautiful haired head

out of your asshole.

ln fact, out of her asshole,

which l'm sure is

perfectly bleached.

You know what? lt is!

And you know how l know?

Because l went to

the fucking salon with her

and l got my

asshole bleached, too!

And l love my new asshole!

You know what?

Why can't you

just be happy for me

and then go home and

talk behind my back later,

like a normal person?

l am happy for you, Lillian.

l am very happy for you.

l wish you well.

l won't bother

you anymore.

Are you kidding me? Annie!

Go, go, go, go, go!

LlLLlAN: Get back here! Stop.

No, no! She does

not get a party favor.

She does not get a dog !

And if you are

going to act like this,

then don't even bother

coming to my wedding !

l'm proud of you, Lil.

Shut up, Helen !

Anybody else have anything

they want to share today?

l took two dogs already.

They're in the back of my van.

(HORN HONKlNG)

(DOGS BARKlNG)

What?

(TlRES SCREECHlNG)

What? Where are you going?

Hit and run ! Classy!

Perfect! Okay.

l'm gonna find you !

l'm coming !

Come on ! Come on ! Come on.

No!

(EXCLAlMlNG)

Shit.

l can't say

l'm surprised.

l did tell you to

get your lights fixed.

Yeah, l know.

And now here we are.

Look, l have

had a horrible day.

l don't need a lecture

from you right now, okay?

l just. . . Helen just. . .

Oh ! Don't. . .

This didn't happen

because of Helen.

This happened

because you didn't get

your taillights fixed.

lt's pretty simple.

Do you have any idea

how frustrating it is

to see you,

night by night,

drive past me

with your fucking

taillights still broken?

Do you have any idea

how crazy that makes me?

lt's a simple solution !

Your problem, Annie,

is that you just

don't understand

that you can hurt people

with these broken lights.

Don't you see how

irresponsible this is?

Yes, l should have

gotten my fucking

taillights fixed.

But l didn't, okay?

l didn't.

Listen,

don't worry about it.

Seriously.

Your message

was received.

No, look, please,

l don't know what's

going on with me right now.

Look, it's fine. Don't bother.

Really, what's done is done.

That's it?

Where are you going?

That's it! That's it.

That's how this works.

Come on. l didn't. . .

For the record, Annie,

you flirted with me.

You made me feel like

you really liked me,

which was really unfair.

And then you came home with me

and we did stuff, fun stuff,

and then you just left,

just like it was nothing.

Oh, please. l know

how guys do this thing.

l know how guys act.

One minute,

it means something.

The next minute, it doesn't.

Right, yeah, you've

got it all figured out.

Yeah.

How is that

working out for you?

Pretty good?

Boom !

What's up, fuck-buddy?

You call for some

roadside assistance?

Thanks, officer.

l can handle it

from here on out.

Come on !

l didn't have

anyone else to call !

l didn't know that

you were gonna show up!

That's the problem

with cops, Annie.

We're just never

there when you need us.

That cop talks weird.

TED: Come on, dingus.

Tick-tock. l got shit to do.

Check it out.

Look what's steering the car.

Thanks again

for picking me up.

Not a problem.

Were you busy?

Well, it is Friday.

You know,

you look tired.

lf you're tired,

you can totally

lay down in my lap,

if you want.

What?

Just take a little lap-nap.

(WHlSTLES)

lf you want.

Open for biz.

Okay, can you just pull over?

Yeah, actually,

that's an even better idea.

No, no, no, can you

please just stop the car?

l want to get out.

No, it's super gravelly.

Please pull over!

Why?

Because l would rather

get murdered out here

than spend the next

half-an-hour with you.

Can you please

just pull over?

Come on, Annie.

lt's called humor.

Learn about it.

Besides, l would

never last a half-hour.

Goodbye, Ted.

lf you're trying to

turn me on, it's working.

You used me!

No big deal.

You are no longer

my number three!

WiIson!

WiIson! I'm sorry!

I'm sorry, WiIson.

WiIson, I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

(SNlFFLlNG)

Oh, no, Wilson.

WiIson!

(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)

l'm coming in.

Let's go, let's go.

And we're walking.

Okay, we're walking.

Heel. Heel !

No pee. No!

Not on the carpet!

Okay, we're coming. . .

We're coming in.

Everybody is in

and having fun.

We're having fun.

And heel ! We're heeling.

Heel !

How many of

those did you take?

l took nine.

Yeah, l did

slightly over-commit

to the whole dog thing.

lt turns out, l'm probably

more comfortable with six.

lt's a lot. . . That's

a lot of energy to deal with.

But you wouldn't know

anything about that,

because you haven't

been returning my calls.

And say what, Megan?

Say, "Hi, l can't

get off the couch.

"l got fired from my job.

l got kicked out

of my apartment.

"l can't pay any of my bills.

My car is a piece of shit.

"l don't have any friends.

The last time l. . ."

You know what l

find interesting

about that, Annie?

lt's interesting to me

that you have

absolutely no friends.

You know why

it's interesting?

Here's a friend

standing directly

in front of you,

trying to talk to you.

And you choose to

talk about the fact

that you don't

have any friends.

You know what l mean.

No, l don't think

you want any help.

l think you want to

have a little pity party.

That's not true.

l think Annie wants

a little pity party.

You're an asshole, Annie!

Oh, my God.

What are you doing?

You're an asshole. l'm life.

ls life bothering you?

Yes! What are you doing?

l'm life, Annie.

l'm life, Annie.

You have got to

fight back on life.

Megan !

You better learn to fight.

Megan !

l'm life and l'm going

to bite you in the ass!

(SCREAMlNG)

Megan. . .

lt's not me.

l'm your life. Turn over!

My God !

l'm trying to get you to fight

for your shitty life,

and you won't do it!

You just won't do it.

Stop it.

You stop slapping yourself.

Stop slapping yourself.

l'm your life, Annie.

l'm your shitty. . .

(GRUNTS)

l'm sorry.

Nice hit.

All right.

l'm glad to see

you've got a little

bit of spark in you.

l knew that Annie

was in there somewhere.

l think. . .

l think you're ready now

to hear a little

story about a girl.

A girl named Megan.

A girl named

Megan that didn't have

a very good time

in high school.

l'm referring to

myself when l say "Megan."

lt's me, Megan.

Yeah, l got that.

l know you look at

me now and think,

"Boy, she must have

breezed through high school."

Not the case, Annie.

No, this was not easy

going up and down the halls.

Okay?

They used to

try to blow me up.

They threw

firecrackers at my head.

Firecrackers.

l mean literally.

l'm not saying

that figuratively.

l got firecrackers

thrown at my head.

They called me a freak.

Do you think l

let that break me?

Do you think l went home

to my mommy, crying,

"l don't have any friends.

Megan doesn't

have any friends"?

No, l did not.

You know what l did?

l pulled myself up,

l studied really hard.

l read every book in

the library. And now?

l work for the government.

l have

the highest possible

security clearance.

Don't repeat that!

l won't.

l can't protect you.

l know where

all the nukes are

and l know the codes.

l won't say anything.

You would be amazed.

A lot of shopping malls.

Don't repeat that!

l won't.

l have six houses.

l bought an 1 8-wheeler

a couple of months

ago just because l could.

Okay, you lost Lillian.

You got another best friend

sitting right in front of you,

if you would notice.

Huh?

Now, you got to stop

feeling sorry for yourself.

Okay, 'cause l do not

associate with people

that blame the world

for their problems.

'Cause you're

your problem, Annie.

And you're also

your solution.

Right? l mean, that's. . .

You get that?

l just miss her, l guess.

Yeah, l know you do.

l know you do.

All right, come on.

Bring it in.

There's the Annie. . .

There's the Annie l

knew was there, okay?

All right.

Man, you have got

to wash your hair.

l'm sorry.

You've got to

wash that hair.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

(SlGHlNG)

l love you.

Looks great. Thank you.

Rhodes and l worked out

a deal way back when,

so it's on the house.

Are you serious?

Yeah. l owe him big time.

That's really nice.

Hey, Mom?

This is my mom, Judy.

Hey, how are you?

Nice to meet you.

Good to meet you, too.

Wait a minute,

don't l know you from AA?

BlLL COZBl: Oh, my gosh.

You made that artichoke dip,

didn't you?

lt's good, huh?

lt's just delicious.

(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)

Come in.

Are you sure

you're not gonna

come with me today?

lt's Lillian's big day.

Mom, she doesn't

want me there.

l'll fix you

a tuna fish sandwich.

Mom, it's 8:00

in the morning.

You can put syrup on it.

(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)

(EXCLAlMS)

l know.

Hi.

What do you want?

l was wondering

if you knew

where Lillian was.

No, why would l. . .

What do you mean?

l can't find her.

We've looked everywhere.

What?

She is missing.

Can you help?

Okay, just wait here.

l think l know

someone that

might be able to help.

l'll get my keys.

Can l just use. . .

l mean, l just don't know

what could have

possibly gone wrong.

Everything was going smoothly.

The dress looked fantastic.

lt had come in from Paris.

Dougie was being

great and very helpful.

l had organized everything

to the last final detail.

l just. . .

l don't know

what's happened to her.

l don't know.

You should know, right?

You're her best friend.

lt's weird that

you don't know.

You guys are so close.

Annie, l want to

apologize to you personally

for all of the things

that have gone down.

l know that l hurt you,

and that l created a distance

between you and Lillian.

l want to

apologize for that. . .

l don't want to hear. . .

. . .and everything

that happened

at the shower.

And with Las Vegas. . .

Okay, l don't want

to hear any more,

honestly.

l don't even

want to talk to you.

Harry never really

wants to talk to me, either.

He travels a lot.

Like, all year.

l'm basically just by myself.

l don't want to. . .

l don't feel sorry for you.

l really liked

that original dress

you picked at

the bridal store.

l thought it was beautiful.

You have really lovely taste.

Thanks, but it's

a little too late for that.

And l know. . .

l don't think

that Brazilian food

really gave us food poisoning.

No, it did.

No, l don't think it did.

lt was the food.

l shit my pants

on the way home.

l don't think it

was your fault.

That was my fault.

l think people just

ask me to their weddings

because l'm good at

organizing parties.

l don't have any

female friends.

l'm so sorry.

Why are you smiling, Annie?

lt's just. . .

lt's just. . .

lt's the first time l've

ever seen you look ugly.

And that makes

me kind of happy.

l look ugly? No, l don't.

l don't really look ugly.

A little bit.

You're an ugly crier,

but that's okay.

No, l'm not really

an ugly crier.

Maybe just

a little bit.

No.

Just a little bit.

lt's just my makeup.

But l still look pretty good.

ANNlE: Rhodes!

Rhodes.

Come on ! Rhodes!

He's ignoring you.

Let me.

Yes, he is.

(SHOUTlNG) Officer!

Roll down your window!

(MUFFLED SHOUTlNG)

Excuse me! Please!

Rhodes,

l know you can hear me,

and l know you're mad at me,

but l need your help. Please!

You know this guy?

What are you doing?

l just want to

get his attention.

Annie! Oh, my God.

ANNlE: (SHOUTlNG)

Reckless driving !

Annie, my hair!

What are you doing?

l'm speeding !

You better pull me over!

Really?

Here comes

the litter-bug !

Let's see what

Marmaduke's doing.

Just texting.

Talking on the phone

while l'm driving.

Not even using my hands.

Oh, hi !

Mmm ! Yum ! Yum !

Beer!

Yum ! Yum ! Yum !

ldiot.

(LOUD RAP MUSlC PLAYlNG)

ANNlE: Hey, what's up, man?

(MUSlC CONTlNUES PLAYlNG)

l don't care. l don't care.

(TlRES SCREECHlNG)

l'm going to hurl.

l feel really sick, Annie!

Hey, who's driving that car?

Can we go up now?

That's not clever.

Hey!

l'm topless!

l'm totally topless.

Really?

Wow. Unbelievable.

What the fuck are you doing?

l don't know.

Hey! Are you crazy?

Are you crazy?

All of that stuff,

that would have been

dangerous for a good driver.

l'm sorry. l just. . .

l really need your help.

We can't find Lillian.

How long has she been gone?

She's been

missing for 1 2 hours.

1 2 hours?

lt's not a missing person

until it's at least 24 hours.

Have you ever seen CSl?

24 hours.

Let me get on

with my job, Annie.

Nathan, please?

l really need your help.

Please, Nathan.

Who is this one?

This is Helen.

l'm Helen.

What?

lt's Helen.

Hello, Helen.

l've heard wonderful things.

Okay, thanks, buddy.

Bye-bye.

Okay, we've traced

her cell phone

to the corner of

Craner and Rose.

Do you know where that is?

Yes. That is her apartment.

l thought you said

you looked there.

We did. We did.

Last night.

Okay.

So you're saying

she's at her apartment?

That's what you're telling me?

She must have gone

back after you left.

God, that was crazy of her.

Thank God ! Thank you.

Let's go. Let's go.

Okay.

We found her!

l am so sorry.

l didn't mean to

waste your time.

That's embarrassing.

Thank you.

No, you are welcome.

lt's this kind of

high-octane stuff

that really made me

want to become a cop.

"Missing girl found

at her apartment."

lt's. . .

lt's adrenalin-pinching.

lt's nice to see you.

l'm glad that you got

your taillights fixed.

Means l won't have

to stop you again.

Okay.

Annie, let's go.

Anyway,

go and save your friend

from her apartment.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Do you mind actually

if l go by myself?

Sure.

Okay.

Lil?

Lillian?

Lil?

LlLLlAN: Go away.

What happened?

This whole

wedding is fucked up.

Helen just took

over everything, and

everything's got

out of control.

And my dad can't

afford the wedding.

This has been really

hard to do without you.

lt's been shitty.

l'm sorry.

Nope. l'm sorry.

l'm sorry l kicked

you out of my wedding.

lt's my fault.

No, it's my fault.

l think l'm the one

with the mental problems.

Yeah, wasn't it my

turn to be crazy?

The bride's

supposed to be crazy.

Yes, technically.

You kind of

stole all the crazy.

l out-crazied you.

Everything's

going to be okay.

Yeah? How do you know that?

l left the rehearsal

dinner last night.

l told Dougie l

had to go get Q-tips.

And

all of a sudden,

l realized l was

driving here.

l came here.

l realized this

is the last time

l'm going to be here

in this apartment

with that couch,

and this bed,

and take a bath in my bathtub.

Because you know

how much l love my bathtub.

lt's a good tub.

l slept in there on my

30th birthday, remember?

Uh-huh.

Everything's gonna change.

l mean, l'm not

going to get to

live five

minutes away from you.

And it makes me so sad.

Well, don't be.

Don't be sad.

Because things

are going to change,

but they'll be better.

You know?

You're gonna take

this huge, great,

beautiful step.

And Dougie loves you

more than anything.

And so do l.

But what about you?

What's gonna happen to you?

l'm gonna be fine.

So don't worry, okay?

l'm gonna be. . .

l'm gonna be fine.

l am fine.

And besides, you need

to blaze the trail for me.

And then report back

and tell me what's coming.

Whatever you say, boss.

All right, let's get

your dress on,

okay, and let's go

to your wedding.

Oh, yeah.

That's the other problem.

Don't you dare laugh.

(LAUGHlNG)

(BOTH LAUGHlNG LOUDLY)

Okay.

l cannot wear this dress!

Okay, don't panic.

(CRYlNG)

This is a nightmare.

We'll fix it.

We'll tweak it.

l will not let you

walk down that aisle

unless you look

perfect and beautiful,

l promise.

Do you have a chainsaw

and a blowtorch?

l think this wedding

is gonna be a disaster.

No, don't say that.

lf Helen had anything

to do with this wedding,

it is going to be perfect

and tasteful and beautiful.

That's true.

MlNlSTER: Will you, Douglas,

take Lillian to be your wife?

Will you love her,

comfort her, and keep her

and, forsaking all others,

remain true to her

as long as you

both shall live?

l do.

MlNlSTER: And will you,

Lillian, take Douglas

to be your husband?

Will you love him,

comfort him, and keep him

as long as you

both shall live?

l do.

MlNlSTER: By the powers

vested in me

by the state of lllinois,

l pronounce you

husband and wife.

You may now kiss the bride.

Ladies and gentlemen,

here with us tonight is

Lillian's favorite band

singing her favorite song.

Put your hands

together for

Wilson Phillips!

(GUESTS WHOOPlNG)

Hi, everybody!

How we doing tonight?

l am not paying

for this shit.

Really?

lt's the last one,

l promise.

The last one.

The last one.

I know this pain

Why do you Iock yourseIf

up in these chains?

No one can change

your Iife except for you

Don't ever Iet

anyone step aII over you

Just open your

heart and your mind

Is it reaIIy fair to feeI

This way inside

Someday

somebody's gonna make you

want to turn

around and say goodbye

UntiI then, baby,

are you going to Iet them

hoId you down

and make you cry?

Don't you know

Don't you know

things can change

Things'II go your way

If you hoId on

for one more day

Can you hold on

for one more day?

Things'II go your way

HoId on for one more day

You couId sustain

Or are you

comfortabIe with the pain?

You've got no one

to bIame for your unhappiness

No, baby

You got yourseIf

into your own mess

Letting your

worries pass you by

Baby

Don't you think

it's worth your time

to change your mind?

No, no

Someday

somebody's gonna make you

want to turn

around and say goodbye

(LAUGHlNG)

UntiI then, baby,

are you going to Iet them

hoId you down

and make you cry?

What's so funny?

l put a loaded gun

in Dougie's carry-on.

The TSA is going to

just rip his ass apart.

(SNORTS)

HELEN: Annie?

Oh. Hey.

Did you have

a nice evening?

lt was beautiful. Yeah.

What did you

think of the wedding?

lt was. . .

lt was great.

lt was great, right?

Yeah.

lt was perfect.

lt was great.

Yeah, it was great.

lt was really

nice meeting you.

Yeah, it was. . .

Helen, it was really

nice meeting you, too.

Hey, you know, maybe

sometime the three of us

could go to

Rockin' Sushi together.

Thank you, Annie.

l would love that.

Your ride is here.

Hey, how did everything go?

Strangely well.

Good.

So, l ate your cake

that you left.

You did?

Yeah.

l mean, l had to

fight some raccoons off.

But that's okay.

l'm pretty strong and tough,

so it wasn't

much of a contest.

So that might have been. . .

l'm just going to

kiss you now

rather than just. . .

(RADlO BEEPlNG)

Officer Rhodes,

pIease report to...

Oh ! l'm on duty.

And l need to

put my uniform on.

lf l drive like this,

they're gonna think

l just stole a car,

which wouldn't be great.

You could ride

with me if you want.

You want to come?

Yeah, l do.

Come on.

All right.

Whoa! Whoa!

Where are you going?

l'm getting in the car.

No, no, no, you got

to get in the back.

What?

You can't sit in the front,

it's against regulations.

Come on. Come on.

You're going to make

me sit in the back seat?

Yeah, come on.

(EXCLAlMS)

Sorry. Habit.

All right.

lt's a force of habit.

Can l please get

in the front seat?

Actually, no, l'm afraid

there's a warrant

out for your arrest.

What? Why?

Reckless driving,

littering, texting,

consuming alcohol

while operating a vehicle.

You didn't

think l was going to

let you get away

with that, did you?

Could we put the siren on?

Please?

(SlREN WAlLlNG)

Thank you.

I know that there is pain

But you hoId

on for one more day

And you break

free from the chains

Yeah,

I know that there is pain

But you hoId

on for one more day

And you break free,

break from the chains

Someday

somebody's gonna make you

want to turn

around and say goodbye

UntiI then, baby,

are you going to Iet them

hoId you down

and make you cry?

Don't you know

Don't you know

things can change

Things'II go your way

If you hoId on

Okay. Umm...

This is Tape 1 1 9.

Air MarshaII Jon and I's

first sexuaI encounter.

Is there

a hungry bear anywhere?

I'm a hungry bear.

I just happen to

have this bear sandwich.

Is there a hungry bear?

I'm a very

hungry bear.

Did you see how

my fIap opens?

Yeah, that's

a good-Iooking

bear sandwich.

Yeah, that's a

big bear sandwich.

Do you want a bite

of that sandwich?

Feed me.

It's meat and cheeses.

(GRUNTlNG)