Brian Regan: Live from Radio City Music Hall (2015) - full transcript

♪

- Live from
radio city music hall,

please welcome Brian Regan!

♪

- Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Wow.

Thanks.

That is a huge honor.
I cannot thank you enough.

I really appreciate it.



- New York City!

It's the only city in the world

where people say, "Please
tell me the Pope is gone."

Yeah, I don't know, man.
New Yorkers.

If you get in an elevator
anywhere else in the world,

people press lobby.

You get in an elevator
in New York City,

people press lobby,

door close, door close,
door close, door close,

door close, door close, door
close, door close, door close.

And if you'd never
seen that button,

it's the one completely
worn away.

I'm trying to take care of
myself.

I just had my annual physical.



Hey. Alright.
Thank you.

I'm just going to do set ups
the whole show.

And I like to drive...

You guys are great, man.

I went to a new doctor.
New doctor for me.

You ever go to
a brand-new doctor,

and the moment he walks in,
you're like...no?

No, this ain't going to
work out.

I need an air vent or something
I can crawl through to safety.

I was sitting there.
I'm nervous enough.

Doctor walks in.

All the buttons on his lab coat
were off by one.

If he can't nail that task...

I don't think I want
his doctor paws on me.

I know this is going to sound
like I'm making this up.

This is the absolute truth:

he was late.

I don't get that.

I don't get why it's okay for
the doctor to be late.

If I have a 2:00 appointment,

I want the doctor
looking at me at 2:00.

And the only way...

the only way I think it would be
okay for the doctor to be late

is if at 5 of 2:00
you're in the waiting room

and you notice
from under the door

that leads to the back rooms...
a pool of blood.

An ever-widening pool of blood

coming out into
the waiting room,

and everyone has to
lift their feet.

I think we might be delayed.

Then it would be okay...

for him to be five minutes late.

Clamp whatever's doing that
and get me back there.

I want to hear a clamp noise

and him saying,
"My 2:00 is here."

But I need, you know,

I need somebody to look
after me like that,

'cause I'm not paying
enough attention to myself.

I swear... I looked in the mirror
the other day,

and I noticed a two-inch hair

growing out dead center
from the middle of my forehead.

What the hell?

How's that even possible?

All the other hairs are up here.

How does one hair
do a lone wolf?

We're doing a jail break.

I know it was two inches
'cause I measured it.

Now, I don't know how long
it takes

for a hair to grow two inches,

but nobody in my life
bothered to tell me about it

for the entire growing season.

They must have had daily
conversations.

Has he noticed yet?

He has not.

How is that possible?

I don't know.

He must look directly
into the mirror,

and the hair must be
perfectly straight.

And he must not move his head
a billionth of an inch.

He is unaware of his uni-hair.

Not cool.

I'm trying to be cool.

I'm thinking of getting
a tattoo.

But I want to get a tattoo
that's unique, you know?

I don't want a tattoo like
everybody else.

So I want to get a tattoo
of a blender.

A big one on my chest, you know?

Then when I go to the public
pool and take my shirt off,

everybody will be spellbound.

They'd be, like...

I-i-is that a blender?

Born to frappe.

I have unusual tattoo ideas.

I think someone should get
a tattoo of a dozen Easter eggs

but tell the tattoo artist
to hide them.

You get back in shape,
you might find a golden egg.

I'm no one to talk, man.

I lost ten pounds for this
thing, and then...

Oh, thanks.

And then yesterday they told me
television adds ten pounds.

So basically I just wasted
my time for a couple months.

I don't understand nutrition.

I heard a nutritionist on the
radio saying something like

you should eat
breakfast like a king,

lunch like a prince,
and dinner like a pauper.

But I think I wrote it down
wrong.

'Cause I eat breakfast
like a king,

lunch like a hippopotamus,

and dinner like
an 800-pound gorilla

and a midnight snack
like a 25-ton humpback whale.

When I was jotting it,
I inverted something.

I'm always inverting my jots.

People who know me
say that about me.

You get weird advice about food.

Whenever I go to the store,
people say, Brian,

you don't want to go
grocery shopping

when you're hungry
because you'll end up buying

the kind of food you wanna eat
when you're hungry.

I don't know how to function.

Brian, you don't want to
go buy a car

when you want to buy a car
'cause you'll end up buying

the kind of car you want to get

when you want to buy a car.

Can you imagine driving home
in a car like that?

Filled with the kind of
groceries you want to eat?

You'd be the laughingstock
of the cul-de-sac.

I'm trying, man.

I got a juicer.
I got a big, giant juicer.

You put the fruit or vegetable
in the hole

in the middle
beside the spout...

that's...for the juice.

I'm not sure why I'm explaining
to you how a juicer works.

Yeah, we get it, chuckles.

This side's the bad side.

You don't want anything
that goes in that direction.

First thing I tried to make...
This is true...

Was banana juice.

Not realizing a banana
has about 0% moisture.

How would I know?

I took the manual,
tossed that right in the trash.

Peeled a banana...
This is the first thing

I put in this machine.

Vuuuuuaaaaahhh!

Okay, clearly
there's a lag time here.

Second ban... Vuuuaaaahhhh!

Oh, you have to be patient!
Okay.

I thought maybe
that's how juicers work.

Maybe it takes a while for
the machine to catch up,

so I just
kept pumping bananas in.

Seven in a row.
Vuuuaaaahhhhh!

When does that delicious
banana nectar

start trickling into this glass?

So I just took the lid off,

and I started eating
the banana pulp.

Mmm...

Which is very similar
to eating a banana.

It's like eating a banana
without all the hard work.

I don't know.

The way people talk about food
intrigues me.

Turkey leg.

Chicken leg.

But when it comes to lamb,

leg gets front loaded
for some reason.

I've never understood why.

What is tonight's special?

Oh, ha ha ho...

tonight's special...

is leg of lamb!

Oh, lamb leg!

I don't think you understand
the magnitude of this.

What's so special
about their legs?

So I started with
some wings of chicken.

And why is the catch of the day
always fish?

Don't they have to catch
all the animals?

What is the catch of the day?

The catch of the day...

is cow.

You'd think they'd be
easy to catch, but...

this one knew something was up.

He had these little juke moves.

It was almost as if he didn't
want to be slaughtered.

I was at a restaurant once...

The catch of the day
was escargot.

I saw this guy
back in the kitchen...

It was a fancy restaurant.

I like fancy restaurants,
'cause no matter what you order,

they compliment your choice.

You get to feel good about
yourself for a moment.

What are you going to be dining
on this evening, sir?

I was going to have a hamburger.

Excellent choice.

Well, buckle up,
'cause I'm not finished.

'S a dinner party, man.

I'm trying to go to more
parties.

I'm not good at them.

I'm not good at talking
to people.

Which might sound weird
in this setting.

I can handle this
for some reason,

but parties aren't set up
like this.

I don't show up at parties
and people go,

"All right,
we'll all get over here,

and you get over there."

Parties...
People are all around you.

What are you doing back there?

What are you up to?

What's your quest?

Plus, with a small group,

I never know when
a conversation's over.

You know?

When is it okay to walk away
from people?

Is he still talking back there?

Is he making any more sense
than when he started?

I'll give you an idea of
how awkward I am at parties.

This is a true story.

I'm at one, and there's a guy
there whose name I should know,

but I don't know it.

But I keep thinking
it's Winston, you know,

which is not the kind of name
you want to gamble at.

It's a big roll of the dice.

Hey, Winston!

It's Beauregard.

All right, see y'all later!

Tell Winston I said hi
if he ever shows up.

So this is true.

I grabbed another friend of mine
at the party

and I said, "I have
a weird assignment for you.

"I want you to just for a second

"pretend like your name
is Winston.

"All right,
you see that guy there?

"I want you to walk to the other
side of that guy,

"but in a straight line past him

"so I'm just looking
in one direction,

"and then I'm going to go,
'Hey, Winston!'

"And if the guy
in the middle goes, 'Yeah,'

"then you just walk away.

"Your assignment is complete
at that point.

"But if the guy in the middle
looks like he's confused,

"I need you to go, 'Yeah.'

And then I'll talk to you again,
I guess."

I didn't plan that far ahead.

So my friend thinks I'm twisty
and he's like,

"All right, let's do this."

He walks to the other side of
the guy.

So I go, "Hey, Winston!"

An the guy in the middle
looks like he's confused,

so I look at my friend,

and he says,
"My name's Winston."

Yeah, terrific.

I was looking for
any random Winston.

Your name's Winston?

Come on over.
Let's have a chat.

I'm in the mood
to talk to a Winston.

In a little while,

I'll be wanting to speak
with a Gwendolyn.

If that's your name, get ready.

I'll be making the announcement
shortly.

Had one line, and he blew it.

His line was, "Yeah?"

That's all
he had to yellow highlight.

So I'm at this party,

and I'm trying to mingle around,
you know?

Whatever happened to handshakes?

Didn't those work okay?

This guy walks up to me
and he's like...

Eh? Eh...eh-eh!

Eh? Eh?
I'm like,

I don't know
how to participate...

in your bizarre greeting ritual.

Then I realized,
oh, he's shadowboxing.

He's showing me something
important from his world.

So I realize, well, I should
probably reply in kind,

so I did some shadow polo.

Slow moving horse.

That's the world we're in.

You got to think on your feet
during greetings, you know?

Another guy walked up
and just said "Homes."

So I said, "Elementary,
my dear Watson."

I thought, hey, people are
coming up to me to say hi.

You know, maybe I should go up
and say hello to somebody.

I thought, well, obviously
handshakes are old-school.

Nobody's doing that.
So what should I do?

I thought,
oh, I'll chest bump somebody.

So I was in midair...

and I don't
think this lady realized...

I'm simply coming over
to say hello.

I got too much lift.

She didn't jump at all.

My shins hit her shoulders.
I'm flipping.

I crash through
the stained glass window.

You can't make this stuff up!

I was trying to court her.

That's how I court the ladies.

I leapfrog unilaterally
over the...

in front of them,

and I let my shins clip
their shoulders.

And then I...flip.

They don't know what to do.
They're like, ahh...

Their heart's all aflutter.

Ahh...

I hear 'em.
I hear 'em.

Back in that world, man.
I went through a break-up.

People say, "What happened?
What led to the break-up?

Was it a big thing?"

I don't know.
Depends how you look at it.

We couldn't agree on
the definition of "this" exit

and "next" exit.

I was driving.

She said, "Okay, get off
at the next exit."

So I pulled off.
Why did you get off here?

I just told to you
to get off at the next exit.

I thought we could get off here
and buy a dictionary.

Look through it.

Look at words and definitions
and such.

It's fun to find out
word meanings.

So I dropped her off
at the next exit.

Am I understanding it correctly?

You ever have a friend use
a word that's so awkward

you consider dropping them
as a friend?

Like cinema.

We had this couple over.
They kept using that word

like it was a normal word
for people to use.

My wife and I like to
attend the cinema.

We went to the cinema
Friday evening,

and we usually attend the cinema

a couple of times a month.

Do you enjoy the cinema?

Can you get out of my house?

'Cause we's all going to
the movies.

Another word like that
is catsup.

That word is dangling
from a thread.

We have these distant relatives
over.

My kids were with me,
and someone said,

"Would someone
please pass the catsup?"

It was a show stopper.

I had to huddle up with my kids.

He means ketchup.
Pass that.

Don't worry, you're never going
to have to see them again.

You're not allowed to hear
those words in this house.

Some words only some people
are allowed to use.

Other people aren't allowed
to use certain words.

Like mansion.

The only people who are allowed
to use that word

are people who
don't live inside one.

It always has to be about
someone else's house.

Have you seen where they live?

They live in a mansion!

People in it are disqualified
from ever calling it that.

No one's ever allowed to say,

"Well, things seem to be winding
down here at the restaurant.

"I have an idea.

"Why don't we all head back
to my mansion?

"You won't need directions.
You'll see it.

It looks down upon
all your homes."

I think people have
delusions of grandeur

about their own homes.

What in the hell is
an infinity edged pool?

Are people trying to fool
their houseguests?

Why, Harry...

Why, where does your pool end?

Well, for all you know...
it never ends.

We had houseguests last week.
One went swimming laps.

We ain't seen him since.

He's stuck somewhere out
in the middle of infinity.

For an infinity edged pool
to work,

don't you have to live
on the ocean?

Or maybe a lake so it blends in?

Otherwise it's like,
man, your pool looks like

it goes right into that
chain link fence!

I was on a swim team as a kid.

Got a sixth-place ribbon
one week.

I like sports.

I like when a sport ends with a
best of seven series, you know?

Then I get to hear my favorite
sports reporter question.

Would you consider this
a must-win game?

They always feel like they have
to say yes.

Yeah, we want to win it.

It's very important
to have momentum.

We have our uniforms on anyway.
Might as well try.

They turned all these lights on.

Might as well put some effort
into this.

But it's not always
the right answer, man.

It's a math question.

I wish they would answer that
honestly.

It's a best of seven.

You're down one game to nothin'.

Would you consider this
a must-win game?

No.

No, we can lose tonight.

We can lose tomorrow night too.

We don't want to,
but that wasn't your question.

You asked if it was
a must-win game,

and if you had ever taken
a rudimentary math class,

you'd already know
the magic number's three.

When you're down three, then
you must win them or you're out.

I also don't like...

Hey, thanks.

I also don't like when they
force answers on players.

Are you dedicating this game
to your dying grandmother?

Well, I guess now I am.

I didn't even know she was sick.

The winning team always gives
the losing team a lot of credit.

You got to give them
a lot of credit.

They came to play.
They got a good team over there.

They should hold their heads up
high.

If we weren't perfect,

I don't know if we would have
won this game.

They got a good squad
and a good system.

We got to give them
a lot of credit.

I wonder if that news ever gets
to the loser's locker room.

Great news, fellows!

I just came from
the winner's locker room.

I am not making this up.

They are giving you...
a lot of credit.

I was just there.

I got here as quickly
as I could.

But it was hard with the
balloons and the confetti...

and all the champagne
in my eyes.

I was bouncing off walls.

You're getting a lot of credit
for their championship.

And they're inviting all of you
to come over

and kiss their rings.

I'd like to own
a second NBA team

in Miami, Florida.

I'm from there.

The only reason
I'd like to do it

is to do the press conferences

when they say, "Well,
what's the name of your team?"

And I would say,
"Well, it's not the Heat.

It's the Humidity."

Then I would sell the team

right after
the press conference and...

be talked about
for several days.

Being from Miami, I don't know
a lot about winter sports,

but I was watching
women's curling one night.

I turned it on late,
so I missed the explanation...

as to what they were trying
to accomplish.

But I think I picked that up
from watching.

This one woman,
she skates slowly...

and she's holding on to

that weird round rock
with a handle on it,

and she has a look
in her eyes...

I'm not sure, but I think
if a bird flew in front,

it would burst in flames.

It's the most intent glare

a human being is capable
of conjuring up.

So she skates for a while, then
she does this with her hand.

And then eight women scream
at the top of their lungs

for two minutes straight.

It's quite relaxing.

It's sort of like watching
"The View."

I like "The View."

I like the women
on "The View."

I just want to hear them
one at a time.

It's hard to pierce through
the cacophony.

All right, guys.
You're great.

We're going take
a couple second break here!

Okay. We're back.

That didn't seem like
four minutes.

You guys are wonderful, man.

Talking about TV.

I watch weird shows, man.

There's one I'm trying to
understand.

It's about moonshiners.
Reality show.

I don't get it.

There's a guy hiding out
in the woods

trying to make moonshine.

I don't understand the premise.

Liquor is legal.

What's he doing hiding
behind trees?

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Don't tell anybody I'm out here!

Why are you out here?

I'm making moonshine.
Whoo!

You want some?

No, I can get Jack Daniel's
over at the liquor store.

It's legal.
Has been for a while.

Come out of the woods
and read a newspaper.

Of course, our TVs are now
filled up with election stuff.

I don't know why anyone
would ever want to be

the President of
the United States.

I wouldn't want that job
in a million years.

Can you imagine being awakened
every morning like this?

Problems.

All kinds of problems.

But people are seeking it out.

People I've never seen before.

Behind podiums.

And the very
first thing they say,

I'm already confused.

I'm forming a presidential
exploratory committee.

Oh, are you?

What the hell is that?

Is that committee going to come
back with information

that guy wasn't aware of?

Okay.
Here's what we found out.

It's a four-year job.

Four years?

Yeah, and you got to be in
charge of everything.

Well, I don't want to do that.

It's a good thing
you sent us out first.

We met Lewis and Clark
out on our expedition.

Speaking of important jobs,

we had the Pope here in town,
of course, right?

You know who I'm curious about?

The previous pope who just quit.

That's kind of weird.

I wonder what he's doing.

Is he trying to get another job?

That would be an interesting
resume.

You know, he hands it to
the guy, and he's like...

You tell him we're not hiring.

And the pope prior to that pope
they're making a saint.

I was reading about sainthood to
see what the requirements are.

See if I'm on the right track.

One of the requirements is you
have to perform two miracles.

I can sort of do that thing

where you put your two index
fingers together,

and then you look
off in the distance

and you can see, like,
a floating sausage.

You have to relax your eyes.

Relax your eyes.

Okay, so that's one.

And then I hit them with my
rubber pencil illusion.

Well, doesn't that look like
it's made out of rubber?

I've had some weird jobs, man.

My first job ever
was a dishwasher

at the International
House of Pancakes.

It's a true story.
I was, like, 14 years old.

After three months the owner
took me aside and said,

"I'm promoting you today
to busboy,"

and he said to me, "Please don't
talk to any of the customers."

I don't know what I sounded like
in the dish room

that he felt he had to
protect his customers from,

but he was adamant.

He said, "I've heard the kind of
things your brain comes up with.

Please just let these people
enjoy their pancakes."

So I said okay.

I bussed my very first table.

I was walking back to
the dish room,

and I passed a woman sitting
by herself eating a salad.

It was lunchtime.

As I was walking by,
she said, "Excuse me."

What am I supposed to do now?

I'm not allowed to
talk to anybody!

I thought, she's stopping me.
I better stop, you know?

So I put my tray down
on another table

and I said, "Yes, ma'am?"

She said, "There is a hair
in this salad."

Now, I'm from a family
of eight kids.

A hair in a salad
don't stop nobody.

It's like trivia.
Hey, there's a hair.

Hey, look, there's a bug.

Keep chowing.

You don't when
the next food's coming.

So I know this sounds
ridiculous,

but I had no idea why she was
even telling me this.

So I was, like, oh, okay.

So I thought I'd be funny...

and I said, "Well, there are
no prizes or anything."

Go get the owner.

So now I had to go get the owner
who just five minutes ago...

told me not to talk to anybody.

And I had to say, "I was just
talking to this woman,

and she's kind of upset
and she wants to talk to you."

He's looking at me like how is
this even humanly possible?

We walk out to her table,

and she says,
"I just told this young man

"that there was a hair
in my salad,

and he told me that there
are no prizes or anything."

So he looks at me...
and he looks at her and he said,

"He's right... there are
no prizes or anything."

The best boss
in the history of bosses.

The lengths some people go
through to not work amazes me.

I also worked in a toy store
putting together bicycles,

and my co-worker
came up to me one day

and he said, "I found a place
we can go hide

where we don't have to
put together bicycles."

What's going to happen later

when no bicycles
are put together?

He's like, "I don't know.
We'll figure that out later."

So I said okay.
So I followed him.

There's a rack of bikes
in the back of the toy store.

Behind that was a wall,

and we're walking behind
between the bikes and the wall.

Gets worse.

There's a hole in the drywall
in the wall,

and he crawls into the hole
and says, "Follow me."

So, like Alice in Wonderland...

So he starts shimmying that way,
and I'm following him.

We get about eight feet in,

and we're both just
standing there.

And he says,
"Beats working, huh?"

Kind of a toss-up.

So I do this now.

Crawled out of the hole
and became a stand-up.

You know, there's another
Brian Regan in show business.

Its a true story.

He's a screenwriter,
and he's really good.

He wrote "102 Dalmatians" and
"How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days"

and all these other good movies.

I didn't know about him.
I was out on the road

and these people said, "You
wanna do a local TV interview?"

And I'm like, yeah.
That sounds good.

They say, "We want to do it out
in front of the movie theater."

I'm, like, okay.

Wherever.
Wherever you want to do it.

Yeah. We want to have
"102 Dalmatians" logo behind us

during the interview.

Okay.

Does that look good on camera
or something?

So we're sitting in
the little wooden chairs

and he goes, "So tell me about
the movie '102 Dalmatians.'"

You know, that's a lot of dogs
jumping around.

You know it's going to be fun.

How will "102 Dalmatians" be
different from "101 Dalmatians"?

I'm not a math expert.

I'm going to guess three dogs.

I'm behind on my movies.

I just saw the latest
"Godzilla."

The guy who's doing the voice
for Godzilla,

man, that guy's on his game.

I was wondering when he was
learning his lines

like if he would
run lines with his wife

or girlfriend, you know?

Hey, honey, I got
that Godzilla part.

Yeah, I got it.

Hey, would you practice lines
with me?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Um...oh, no.

Here comes the scary monster.

Aah!

Well, now...

I did a little voiceover work.

If you're interested
in voiceover work,

here's how it happens.

You get a voiceover agent.

He sends you out on an audition.

You do the audition.

You wait a few days,
and he calls you to tell you

they gave it to Morgan Freeman.

Getting back to
the presidential stuff.

We need somebody to get
the economy going, man.

I don't know
what happened with it.

The mortgage meltdown?
I don't know how that happened.

But I have a friend who knows.

I have a friend who works
in the grocery store

in the produce department.

And when he's stacking melons,

he solves financial crises
and...

shares his solutions with us.

So he came up to me one day.
Brian, want me to tell you

how the mortgage
meltdown happened?

Would you?

Would you 'splain it at me?

I'd be happy to.

Here, sit in your booster seat.

Okay,
you have a mortgage, right?

Right.

You pay your mortgage
to the bank, right?

Right.

They bundle those with other
risky securities

and sell those
to speculators, right?

Do I still get a lollypop?

I feel like someone's
explaining a magic trick to me.

I put your quarter in my hand,
right?

Right.

I close it, right?

Right.

It's gone.

You understand?

So I ain't got a quarter
no more?

Exactly.

Hey, is there
a cash register left...

just one where
you can buy something

and immediately
walk out the door...

without dealing with
this whole thing...

Do you have a rewards card?

Um...no...

and I'm begging you

that this be the end
of this conversation.

I-I have money...

which says legal tender on it,

and I have the amount
it says on that tag.

If I could just
give you the money,

and you release the item...

We could do it simultaneously

if you need Indiana Jones Style,

'cause I can see the door.
I'm so close.

Sunlight's streaming in.
I'm hearing birds chirping.

Please release me back
into a world of joy.

I'm not allowed to do that.

I'm required to turn this into
a hostage situation.

Tell you about
our rewards card program.

You're going to love listening
to every word of this.

First of all, it's very easy
to get one.

I pull a clipboard out
from under the counter

while people
wait in line behind us,

and I get so much
information from you

your brain will quiver
and quake.

I'm going to get your home
address, your work information,

home number, work number, cell
number, primary e-mail address,

and a secondary e-mail address.

Make sure you fill out the
secondary e-mail address portion

of the application in case
we send out an e-mail blast

for 5 cents
off on one of our items.

If that gets bounced back
from the primary,

if you filled out
the secondary...

Basically it's for your
protection

so you're not missing out

on these life-altering
financial opportunities.

And if you join today, get 10%
off your initial purchase

and 5% off each subsequent...

Subsequent... subse...
On your future purchases.

Do you have a full price card
where people pay full price?

They walk out the door

and they get to watch
their children grow up?

I want to be with them.

I want to watch my kids
play soccer.

I don't want to stand
next to cash registers

saving hypothetical nickels
for the rest of my life.

It's a marketing thing.

There's a lot of marketing
things that work.

I don't know why they work,
you know?

The free DVD?

People still respond to this?

And if you act now,

it comes with a free DVD!

Oh ho ho.

Has anyone ever wanted
to watch any of these?

You ever been over
to somebody's house?

You want to watch a DVD?

Yeah!

Yeah. That sounds good.

What do you have?

Well...

I got reverse mortgages.

Oh, no.
No, no.

No, I can't.
I can't.

I can't.
I can't do that.

Do you have any other DVDs?

Well...

I got "How to Grow Tomatoes
Upside-down."

Nah, I've already seen that one.

Do you have any mysteries,
you know,

anything with a surprise ending?

Ohh...

I got the retractable awning.

This one, it starts,

they're all out in
the sweltering sun, and, um...

Hmm.

Well, I don't want to
give it away.

I don't understand.

There's a lot of things
I don't understand.

I don't understand dancing.

I don't know who thought of it
or why.

What two people were standing
across from each other...

So should we just stand
here like this or, um...

Or should we stand here
like this?

Can you run both options
past me again?

Weighing the pros and cons.

I don't know how to get to that
weird end result.

You know?
How do you get there?

You got to be careful.
I've seen people do it.

You go to a place, everyone's on
the dance floor going full tilt.

And everybody else is way
over here not dancing at all.

The only way to get
from here to there

is you have to ramp up
the percentages.

When people decide to dance,

they dance just 10% near their
table just to get a kick-start.

You know?
It's just like...

Basically they're walking.

There's just a little flick
at the end of the extremities.

Just a little indication that
something's about to go down.

And then the percentages
gradually morph

until you hit
full "China Syndrome" meltdown.

It has to be gradual.

You can't not dance at all
until you're in the middle.

I'm very anal, and I refuse to
dance until I am dead center...

Here we go!

Clearly too jarring
for everyone concerned.

One thing I found out about
dance floors,

those are the squares
on this planet

where it
is most difficult for me

to have a natural smile.

You having fun, Brian?

I am.

I'm enjoying being on this
lit-up square.

I don't know how to do it, man.
I don't know how to dance.

My body doesn't know what to do.

My brain doesn't know
what signals to send.

All synapses are misfiring.

Frankenstein beat me once
in a dance contest.

So the only way
I can get through it

is I have to give
myself assignments

from the back of my head
while I'm out there.

Hey, move around a little bit.

What, are you goin' for a walk?

Head back where you were.

You told me to do that.

Do something with your arms.

You look like you're floating.

Put them down.
Put them down.

That was your suggestion.

People say you should
move your hips.

Move your hips a little bit.

Stop that immediately.
Stop that immediately.

Remember that moment.
Don't ever do that again.

Red alert.
Danger, Will Robinson!

I like music, man.

That's why I like to go
to the airport early, you know?

They always play great music.

They always have unbelievable
sound systems.

You get there early,
you take advantage of that.

You just jam to the best music
known to man.

Occasionally
there's an announcement,

but other than that,

you're just getting into
the music, you know?

♪ Yesterday all my...

Would the gentleman who left
the briefcase at the security

of concourse C please return to
claim your briefcase?

♪ And it seems like...

All unattended vehicles

will be towed away
at the owner's expense.

♪ Oh, I believe...

There's been a gate change
for flight 207.

It'll now be departing
out of gate 19.

♪ Yesterday

I love that song.

Takes my mind off traveling.

I travel a lot.
I'm in a lot of hotels.

I think hotels had
a secret meeting recently.

It was a very short meeting.

Everyone flew in, and they
said, everybody here?

All right, very quick...
We're not going to

own any mistakes anymore.

Alright, that's it.
Head on back.

How you doing?

This key you gave me...
I just tried it in my door.

It's not working.

Did you put it next to
anything magnetic?

No, you just gave it to me,
and I just tried it.

I just came back.

I was expecting a good key
and an apology.

And I'm holding a bad key
and getting an accusation.

Is that the way it shakes out
these days?

Did you put the key next to
anything magnetic?

Oh, oh...

I am a red Horseshoe
Magnet salesman.

Okay.
Okay.

I know what happened now.

I remember you gave me that
perfectly good key,

and I tossed that
into my bag of samples.

Then I scooped that up
all haphazard-like...

and started
swinging everything asunder.

I remember hearing
zippin' and zappin'.

Was that the key becoming
demagnetized?

I'm sorry.
I owe you an apology.

Should I get on my knees
and beg for forgiveness?

If there's a problem
with the reservation,

they'll make it
your fault every time.

How are you doing?
I have a reservation for a room.

I got up early, and I called
and confirmed the reservation.

When I got to the airport,

our first leg
was going to be delayed,

so I called from the airport
to confirm the reservation.

And they put us on
a flight that got diverted

for mechanical reasons,

so I called from that airport
to confirm the reservation.

And they finally
put us a rickety shuttle bus

that ran out of gas
like three miles from here.

I had one bar left
on my cell phone.

I used it to call you...
to confirm the reservation.

I've been crawling on asphalt
and broken glass.

I just want to get in my room

and get some bandages
on my asphalt burns.

But fortunately,
I have a reservation

that I've confirmed
a number of times under Regan.

Did you by chance make the
reservation under another name?

Okay.
Here we go.

Okay. And why would I
have done that?

Why, sir, would anyone do that?

Has anyone ever done that

in history of making
hotel reservations?

You don't think it's insulting
that you're suggesting

when name came up

that's when I went
off the rails?

That's what you're tossing
into the air...

Someone on your side said name,

and I panicked at that point.

I don't know my name!

Let's just figure it out
when I eventually wander in.

Is that your hypothesis
of how this went awry?

The customer is always wrong.

So I have my reply
I like to go into now.

Did you by chance
make the reservation

under another name?

Um...
check Zippity Doo Dah.

Sometimes I think my name
is Zippity Doo Dah,

and I mistakenly make my hotel
reservation under that.

So type it in as two names.
Zippity DooDah... type it in.

DooDah is the last name.
I think.

Oddly, when I'm making
hotel reservations, and Zippity

is what I incorrectly think
my first name is.

So type it in as the two names.

You don't have that?

Try Zip as the first name,
Itty as the second name.

Sometimes I think my name is
Zip Itty DooDah,

and I break it into three words
even though phonetically

none of them have anything to do
with my actual name.

When I'm making hotel
reservations, I tend to panic,

and it's very difficult for me

to conjure up
what my own name actually is.

So I tend to grasp at straws,

and I often settle on
Zip Itty DooDah.

Type it into the computer
reservation system.

No, I know there are people
waiting, but this is your idea,

and I like it...
Let's take it to the end.

No. No, no, no.

You took this horse
out of the barn.

We're going to ride it,
see where it takes us.

No, it's a wonderful suggestion
that I might not know my name.

You don't have Zip Itty?
Try Yippee Iyo Kiyay.

Type it in... Yippee Iyo Kiyay.

Kiyay, with a K.
Try it with a C.

Try it with a Kh.
Try it with a Ch.

Try it with a W
for some odd reason.

Try Yippee Iyo Kayay spelling
Kayay beginning with a W.

Type it in.
Try Yip as the first name,

E-I-O, three middle initials.

Try Yip E-I-O Kayay.
Type...

Try all caps.

Try Yippee-Iyo-Kayay!

Try Yippee-Iyo-Kayay!

And then somehow magically
a room becomes available.

You guys are great, man.
Thank you all very much.

Thank you very much, everybody.

Please welcome back Brian Regan.

That's incredibly kind, man.
Thank you very, very much.

It's an honor.

Thank you.

I really appreciate you all
coming out tonight, man.

Thank you very much.

I want to thank everybody here
at Radio City.

I want to thank everybody
from Comedy Central,

my management,
agents, my kids, everything.

And you guys especially
for coming out.

This has meant a lot to me.

I hope you guys
kind of enjoyed it.

Thank you very much.
All the best.

Good night.

♪