Breakup Buddies (2014) - full transcript

Mr. Geng?

Mr. Geng?

Divorce Agreement

Tattoo: Quit Smoking

Take a message to her.

I've split all possessions with her.

Half and half.

Fair and square.

Mr. Geng, my client wants you to know

she's happy to give up

whatever she's entitled to.



I'm sorry to notify you so late.

Give it up?

As far as I know, the law says

a couple's possessions
should be split upon divorce.

She thinks she lives above the law?

The law allows her to
relinquish all claims.

Is it right to sleep with a rich guy?

Does the law say if you are rich,
you can seduce somebody else's wife,

or send a pretentious jerk like you
to my home and teach me the law?

Take a message to your master,

if a rich guy takes a hammer blow
to the head,

will he bleed like a poor guy?

Mr. Geng,
to answer your question,

we'll have to talk about the criminal law.



If you need,

we do provide criminal defense.

By the way,

we call them "clients",

not "masters".

Hey, pal.

Do you have a lighter?

What?

A lighter.

Thanks.

Fuck.

You've got some guts.

You've watched too many
violent movies.

Geng Hao?

Yes, miss.

I just won an award.

The most promising producer
of the year.

Your hand.

Listen to me.

This is your wife.

This is you.

And this is her lover.

You just killed him.
Then what?

Then the police will come,
and you'll be arrested.

Then you'll be sentenced to death.

You think she will cry
for the rest of her life?

No! A big plate of guys
will be there for her!

-Are you trying to do them a favor?
-Call me when it's done.

-May I tell you something, miss?
-What?

You stuck the wrong guy.
He's the patient, not me.

Why didn't you tell me earlier?

You're so beautiful
that I couldn't resist.

Oh, no. I'm dizzy at
the sight of the needle.

I already removed the needle.

Oh, no. I'm dizzy at the sight
of you, beauty.

-You're so sick. Press it.
-I know you hate me.

That's why you stuck me, not him.

What are you doing?
Hey, what are you doing?

Stop acting like a loser.

In the hospital...

Enough.

It's over.

It's over.

I've lost everything.

What's wrong with me?

What's wrong with me?

This is something a bunny girl like you,
Little Lolita princess,

will never understand.

Have you heard of "mid-life crisis?"

I'm in a very difficult divorce,
which breaks my heart terribly.

You know how much
I took last night?

I was taken to pumped
my stomach!

Have you ever had your stomach
pumped before?

You wouldn't feel a thing.

It felt like I'd vomit all my guts out.

Stop this bullshit!

Hold on. You almost gave me
a heart attack, jerk.

Come on. Get dressed.
I don't want to talk to naked people.

When did you get circumcised?

That's neat.

Go to hell.

I should stitch your mouth up.

Where are we going?

Bunny girl. What do you think of her?
Isn't she hot?

-Where are we going?
-To meet the bunny girl.

Make a U-turn now.

U-turn my ass. I'm shipping props
for crew!

-Hey, turn around.
-Come with me. Take a break.

-Turn around! Stop messing!
-Stop hitting my head, all right?

-Turn around!
-Fuck!

Are you fucking crazy?

Fuck!

What the hell is this?
Your pants? Did you wash it?

Must go home now.
Juice is waiting.

Juice is right here with you.

Where the hell are you going?

You think I have nothing better to do?

I am a fucking producer, all right?

I could tell you're going nuts.

Either a jail or insane asylum's there,
if you go back...

If you come, there are Barbies
along the next 3000 kilometers.

What do you choose?

Let me show you the photo. See?

This is the same girl.

But she looks so different in
these two photos.

Look at her breasts.

Any differences in these two?
So what makes the difference?

You nuts or what?

No. This is called the "shadow effect".
For real.

In photography, the more you
emphasize the shadows,

the more interesting the space becomes.

Now you're in the shadow of life.

But the shadow is also
part of your life.

Walk out of the shadow, all right?

Who's in the shadow, you or me?

Stay cool in your shadow. Leave me alone.

Where is my mobile?

All from Kang Xiaoyu.

16 missed calls
116 messages

I called you, but you didn't answer.

No matter what,
I'm grateful that you signed the document.

I truly hope

you can be happy, too.

From my heart.

Not heading back?

Are you?

Look at you!

Take this. You'll find it useful.

There are other trees in the forest!
Find yourself a new tree!

You promised me. Beautiful girls
all along the road for 3000 km.

Now we've got only
2850 kilometers!

-Excuse me!
-Come to put on some make-up,

you're late.

Give it to her.

Brooch. Earphone.

Open the door, please.

It's my wedding day.
How can you be late!

What's wrong with you?

What's wrong?

No! The door is locked.

Now we have our bride here...

Move away.

Hey, what are you doing?

Now we have our bride here...

Dear friends, as you see,

obviously this is not
a typical wedding,

but something unique.

It shows our bridesmaid
can't wait

to usher in the bride

to marry her Mr. Right.

Ladies and gentlemen,
let's welcome the bride!

We gather here

on this auspicious day,

to celebrate

the union of a lovely couple.

Are you all right?

Did you get hurt?

I hope not.

-You may need a bandage.
-Thanks.

What are you doing here?

I know the groom.

You know the groom?

Oh, my wife...

She works with the groom.

So I heard.

Take good care of yourself.

Slow down...

-I have to go.
-Go.

-Do you need my help with this?
-No, thanks. I'm fine.

All right?

I want to give my bouquet
to someone special.

She's my best friend,
and my bridesmaid.

Come here.

She's a good girl,
but she's been unlucky with men.

She's still single.

These years...

I worry about her very much
and I really wish...

Honey,
I'm really really sorry...

that I haven't got a chance
to tell you

that...

I'm about to get married, too.

Friends, what a surprise!

Let's applaud for love!

Are you feeling unhappy
With life?

Haven't laughed for a long time
But you don't know why?

You don't like this place
And seem so unhappy

Let's go to
Dali then

It will be a rough way and
With thin air

Go To DALI - EP

You may be with a lonely heart
In the wide splendid scenery

Neither do we know
Who is waiting

The future's future
Is a mystery

We all have sorrow experiences

Awesome, where can I download this?

Forget about the love bite
On the shoulder

Sorry, for listening only.

Perhaps love is right there
Waiting for you

Maybe the story begins...

Can you book me a ticket
to Dali, please?

Forget about the love bite
On the shoulder

Perhaps love is right there
Waiting for you...

Hey, what are you doing?

How dare you?

I warn you, never mention to anybody
that I was a singer before.

Why not? I tell you,

if you never quit,
you might be an icon today.

You're a great singer.

When I drop off the props,
I'll drive you to Dali.

Never mention Dali again.

Why not?

Dali, D-A-L-I.

-Capital of one night stand.
-Did you see this?

Kang XiaoYu:
I am sorry. Geng Hao

Souvenir of our encounter.
Do you know where we met?

The Indus Inn in Dali.
That was where we met.

So who's sorry, you or her?

Fuck you!

Don't pretend you're over her.

Isn't that what you want?

Okay, okay... Anyway,

"Love, wherever you go,
whoever you encounter."

Hello?
Your toll card, please.

Hi, Sweetie.

-May I know your name?
-Yan.

What a beautiful name.

Really? My name is
"Sugar Daddy"!

May I have your number, please?

For what?

To invite you to our
lobster party.

Safe trip!

Sorry, sorry.

What's wrong with you?
It's a tollbooth, not for dating!

Think why we are here!

Work on your attitude.

My attitude towards what?
Flirting with a toll worker?

What is this?

Tianmen Mountain.

Gate to the Heavenly One Night Stand.

Whatever. Anywhere but Dali.

One, two, three. Good.

Good. Thanks.

Sweetie, my rake!

Wait. My rake!

Can you be a little bit more touristy?
Come and buy a rock for God's sake!

Juice needs fresh air.

We should have taken the puppy with us.

-For what?
-It's the best prop!

With a cute little puppy in your arms,

girls with a tender heart
will swarm around you.

It's called Pavlovian response.

The experiment to screw the dog?

Are you comparing me with your dog?

Don't flatter yourself.
You're no match to my dog.

Wait. You guys can be
a good match.

You're both ready to mate
with whoever.

That's the attitude. Got it?

What I was talking about.

Do you mean that
this trip is for mating?

What else do you think it is?

That's the purpose of this trip.

That's the purpose, man!

Detach yourself,

except women.

Hello.

Damn! She's a mother!

This is too funny.

Ladies and gentlemen,
a big round of applause!

All together!

As expected,
now, it's the auction part!

That girl is superb.

Look.

What is it under this mud face?

Look at the body, you idiot.
She's so hot.

And this is Tian Men Shan's
Oriental Mystery Stone!

Also recommended by
James Cameron,

"Stone with Luck"!

They are waving hello to us.

Look at your attitude now...

You need to move on.

Stop it!

Sure I've put it down!

Start hunting your birds!

Yeah! But how?
Stand up to yell "I love you!"?

Idiot.

Never say the three words,
all right? It's simply bad luck.

So should I go up there to
kidnap her?

Follow me, say "hi".

Dare? Dare?

4000 Yuan.

This man calls 4000!
Applause please!

Thank you!

She's flirting with us.

Thank you!
Anyone call more?

Is there?

No, no, no.

No, no 4000, it's 5000!

No, no, no.

Sit down! Sit down.

You asked me to flirt with her!

I never ask you to stand up!

5000, the third time.

Turnover!

We give the new buyer
a big welcome!

Come on!

Thank you!

Run!

Sir! Please, wait, sir!

Our pretty Avatar sister will
give certificate to this man.

She will present you this award.

Thank you!

Congratulations, gentlemen.
Please, pay.

Pay.

Pay for it.

What are you staring
at me for? Pay it!

Give her money!

Please invoice my film company.

Give me your credit card.

Come on.

Thank you for your support.

One minute, honey.

My friend said we'd scare you away
if we invited you to have a beer with us.

Dear friends,
now let's have some fun here,

a show about Chinese kung fu!

Silver Spear Shot to Throat!

The truth is,

my pal wants to have a chat with you.

Only you two?

No. And a puppy, Juice.

A puppy.

You like dogs, don't you?

Sort of.

Heard it?

Your make-up is nice.

That's right.

I can't tell how you look.

Not young, huh?

Hey, that's rude.

Stop, will you?

I'm trying to make a conversation here.

Sis, how much do they pay you here?

It's hard to say, bro.

What's your job?

To make it hard to say?

Stop kicking me!

Cheers.

You're a great dancer.

Apparently, you're pro.

No, I'm not pro.

For sure you're a professional dancer.
No need to lie.

I am not lying.

Don't fool me.

All professional dancers have
distorted bone like this.

Show me your feet.

Your business?

-Mind your attitude!
-My attitude?

Hey, I paid a lot of money for
a stupid rock.

That's how you treat your customer?

Wash your socks.

Pardon?

Come back here!

What's wrong with her?

Are you stupid or what?

Come on. This is a bitch.

If you think you can handle her,
go ahead.

Grow up, will you?

You are in blue mixed
With green

I am a loser in yellow...

How can I help you, boss?

I'm sorry. My friend is just divorced.

Messy divorce and mid-life crisis.

But... You're not pro.

You think you're a dancer,
but unfortunately you're just a loser.

Why? Anything wrong with that?

I've seen a lot of girls like you.

Pretending the Blue Smurf Princess?

And you know that you are just a prick.

Fuck off!

Hey, don't go...
You think you can run away?

Go ahead.

Yes.
That's the reality,

you're hooked.

Two kebabs, please.

Are you crying?
Can't even take care of your tail.

It breaks my heart to see
you like this.

-Stop it!
-Don't move!

See?

Focus on the solution,
not on the problem.

Who are you?

A random guy.

What are you doing here then?

I'm delivering props for crew.

Where?

Let me see...

No,

that's a trade secret.

Is this a prop?

No. This is faith.

-Can I take a look?
-Faith is not something you see easily.

It's something for you to
believe with heart.

Everyone should have faith.

Psycho.

Come on. Let me show you the props.

Let's go.

Be careful.

Dear friends, now we have...
Fire-breathing master!

His name is Xiao Bao.
The show will be great!

Come here!
Xiao Bao.

Come here!

What the hell are you doing?

I'm...

What the hell do you want?

Nothing. It's just your tail...

No... I thought your tail was hooked.

You are so disturbing!

I...

You are from Pandora planet
I'm from Tian Men Shan

Stupid bear!

Stupid bear!

Get away!

Being with you at
The mountain downtown

Make it home
And don't be shy

-I'll remove my make-up first.
-No, no. Please. Keep it.

I want to do it with an avatar.

Come on and getting high!

We share this happiness
All night!

We win or lose together!

The earth will
Prove my love

Waiter, a glass of lemonade, please.

Thanks. Are we far from Erhai Lake?

Erhai is right below this street.

Hey, who do you belong to?

Whose dog is this?

Excuse me?

Sir, I've got a reservation here.

No pets.

This is... not a pet.

This is a little baby.

Do you expect me to
abandon this baby?

Leave your ID there then.

The key is on the counter.
Room 5.

Thanks.

Let's go to our room.

Baby.

What you need now is a girl
who desires to be a savior.

Tell her all your sufferings.
I mean, all your sufferings.

As soon as her heart melts,
you can own her.

Stop talking, will you?

I know you're upset.
Throw away that stupid rock and go!

Shut up, will you?

I paid for it and you screwed the girl!

You fucking free loader.

Stop yelling.

-I did it to give you a fucking lesson!
-What lesson?

Dating with student's bird?

Have sex with an alien?

You are hard on communicating.

That's bullshit.

-Then show me.
-What?

How you talk to girls. Do it.

-Talk to her.
-You look beautiful.

Take your toll card!

Okay, okay, anyway.

All right. I owe you one.
I'll get you a new one, all right?

For sure you should!

Look at this.
I've chewed the tart thoroughly,

all you need to do is to
swallow it.

Fucking sick.

See that incredible girl in the salon?
My good deed for the day.

I promise.

She is the medicine you need.
Just do it!

What did you eat?
Your breath is awful.

Can you do it or not?

Just swallow it! Or I call you daddy.

-Key words?
-Uncle, cosplay, little turtle.

-Who are you?
-I'm you!

-My net name?
-Mr. Cock Boom.

Go.

Hi?

Sweetheart.

We're closed today.

You are Christina?

Who are you?

I'm...
Mr. Cock Boom

What's the matter?

What took you so long?

Little Turtle left me.

So Little turtle...
Little Turtle left you.

Where did it go?

It's a goldfish?

His name is Little Turtle.

You obviously didn't read
my message carefully?

Hi, Little Turtle.

Why did they all leave me?

They're all dead.

The whole world has left me.

Are you gotta stand there forever?

What?

Are you really 28?

You said you were 28, too.

But look 40.

I mean, are you 18 or what?

Don't tell me you're underage.

As friends, we need to know...

Open your eyes and see!
I was born in 1994.

No, no.

I don't have to see that.

Don't get me wrong.

I'm sorry about Little Turtle...

He's dead, and I...
I... I came late...

Get out of here.
Get out.

-What's going on?
-Get out!

What did I do wrong?

Wait... What's going on?

I thought we were having a good time!

I'm his friend. Mr. Cocky.

What happened?
Tell me, I'll kick his ass!

Go ask him.
What he said yesterday?

I know.

He told you he'd go to kiss Justin Bieber
for you, right?

No, not that.

Then what?

Tell me. What is the foundation
of our relationship?

-Our relationship?
-Trust.

Trust is the foundation.

Did you show our
messages to the others?

Come on. We're best friends.

Listen carefully.

Since you don't trust me,
I won't trust you either.

Come on...
If we want to fool you,

we didn't have to drive
a long way here from Beijing.

You said you're from Beijing,
maybe it's a lie.

Honestly, we drove here
from Beijing.

Have you heard of West BJ?

I know East BJ, an online
shopping site.

Come to West BJ, if you dream
of becoming a hairdresser.

If you don't know West BJ,

how can you claim to be Beijinger?

Gee. Liar.

Fine. Come here.

I'll prove it to you.

I am from Beijing... All right?
Real enough?

Look at you!
You claim yourself a cosplayer?

At best a cockplayer.

You called me a cockplayer?

Yes, she's right!

You were, then started to go
against the flow,

now dream to be a cosplayer!

Whatever you say,
I will never trust you!

Let me prove!

Then wear the same earring
as mine, to be a real cosplayer.

That won't be necessary...

I know you won't.

I will!

Make it then, will you?

What if I do it? Bet what?

You'll get me. Dare?

Why not?

Not kidding?

Stop laughing.

She's gonna pierce your ear.
Force you to wear earrings, so ready?

Yeah, I'm ready. I do!

Okay, okay, anyway.

The medicine is bitter.
You don't have to take it.

Close my eyes
and swallow it. So?

All right. All right. My bad.

There's more than 2,000 km
ahead of us. We are still here.

With pierced ears, you'll be

considered damaged goods.

No winning with you.

Let's go! We have girls all along the way.

Isn't it the medicine
you prescribed for me?

It turns out my medicine might be poison!
Girls are everywhere.

Look at that girl.

She's really good.

Say hi.

Do you need a hair cut?

What are you doing here?

I was stalking you.

No way... How?

Where are you going?

What?

Are you leaving me alone?

Come on.

You're your own boss!

I can't tell you what to do.

You're a grown-up!

I have a problem to solve.

Come with me.

Are you running away?

Let me know If you change
your mind.

Hey, stop stalking me.

-Is your hair real or fake?
-It's real.

I'm not too old to change.

Still have time to start again.

To take an adventure
and I'll become a superstar.

What are you doing? Pick it up.

I'm not as lucky as other girls.

My life is tough.

I'm not being childish.

I'm not talking about
Little Turtle.

My great grandmother died
when I was two.

My life could easily be a book.

I don't understand...
What do you want?

I'll go with you.

-To where?
-Beijing, of course.

I'll marry you in Beijing.

Are you crazy?

What makes you think I'd marry you?

Oh, I see.

No, no, no. Wait. Wait.

Wait! Listen to me first.

No, no...

When you told me on message,
that you loved me, I didn't believe.

-You said the cyber world was dangerous...
-Put on your clothes!

Are you a man or not?

I couldn't believe you'd pierce for me.
Bleed for me.

Nothing I can't do for you!

Wait.

-Please, think it over.
-I already did.

-It's not what you think.
-It is!

-Don't move.
-It hurts.

-It really hurts.
-Listen!

This is who I am.

You treat me well,
I treat you well.

You have to promise, I am the only one
for the rest of your life.

Juan!

Juan.

I know you're inside.

Leave me alone. You killed Little Turtle!
I don't wanna see you ever again!

It was an accident.
I didn't mean it.

-Get out!
-I'm sorry it was all my fault.

Fuck off. I don't want to see you!

I've brought your favorite rice noodles.

Juan.

Whose shoes are these?

My uncle's.

No, they're not.

Are you hiding someone in
your bedroom?

Open the door.

Open the door! Open!

Li Maomao! Stop kicking!

Juan!

I know someone's in your bedroom.
Let him out.

No one's here!
Not your business!

Are you a man? Come out!

Stop hiding like a coward.

Hey, listen up.

I don't know she was
involved with you.

Come out. Let's talk.

-We did nothing.
-Come out!

No!

Fine. Hide in there.

So... Stay there forever then!

-Put down my shoes.
-Stay inside!

That's it. I'm coming out.

Let's talk about it.

Put it down.

-Now!
-Calm down, please.

Are you her boyfriend?

Yes.

No, he is not my boyfriend.

Your earrings are identical!
Your earrings are identical!

So what? You had opportunity.
You failed to seize it!

It wasn't me! Mom didn't want me
to wear earrings.

Stop it! Your mom didn't want
you to pierce.

Your mom didn't want you to
have tattoos...

Just a few drops of blood freaked you out.
Are you a man or not?

Hey, that's it.

It's clear to me now.

Listen.

Let me talk to you, bro.

Well, I didn't do anything to her.

I promise you.

You guys sort it out.

I love him.

My mom didn't want me to wear earrings,
you find yourself a new lover?

What's wrong with it? He's much better
than you. He's a true man!

He was willing to bleed for me!

Do you have balls?

Just like him!

What's good of having a lover?

What's good of having
a soul mate?

You have a boyfriend!
Why want another lover?

Stop talking to her in this way.

Are you stupid or what?

You caught her with her
new lover.

You have this, for talking to me?

Of course, I will use it...

Then use it.

Let me teach you how to use it!

Hit me! Hit me with it!

Take it! Take it!

Do it. Grab it with your hands!

I just slept with your girlfriend.

Why you are such a coward!
Such a coward!

Sir, don't hit me.
It's my fault.

Stop! Stop!

My fault, okay?

No, my fault!
I am the lover!

Shame the youth is hopelessly cowardly,
like me...

Uncle.

What's happening?

Little Turtle's gone.

The endless horizon
Is my love

At the foot of mountains
There are the flowers

Tell me what's the rhythm
That can move your body

And what's the song
That makes you happy

The river is down
From the sky

Flow to the colorful sea...

We are so expecting this
Hot song

"Crash-bang the ballad"

Sing and be happy

Happy to die!

Hello?

-Hello?
-I'm sorry.

The signal here is weak.

-Who?
-Hello?

-Hello? Can you hear me?
-Yes, I can hear you.

May I speak to Mr. Liu Zhimo?

Yes. Who's that?

Miss, hand me two heads of garlic!

Do you have rooms for rent?

No, I have nothing to lease.

Psycho.

Stop calling me.

We are here for drinks...

It's hot inside.

Fine...Let me in first,

we chat later,

I have some friends inside,
see you!

Hey, come over!

Hello!

"Dali, a heaven in the evening,
with everything you want."

It's good, thank you!

Hey, sweetie, help us
for a slogan!

"Dali, a heaven in the evening,
with everything you want."

As simple as that.

Get away!

Okay. Thanks.

Lemonade, please.

How much lemonade
should I serve you,

before I open your heart?

That's not lemonade.

From the guy outside.

I don't know him.

But you can read,

"Don't say no tonight."

So you know the name
of this bar,

"Yes, sir."

Exactly, Madame.

That's it.

"Yes, Sir".

Yes.

No "No".

Sweetie...

Allow me to buy you a drink, please.

No, thanks.

Never drink with strangers.

Man, turn around.

Now turn back to her.

It's the second time.
You're no strangers.

Miss, may I...

I'd like to buy him a drink, too.
Don't say "No"!

See you tomorrow.

We have different theme every night.

What the hell...

Problems with your
theme tonight.

Another shot?

Get up.

Come on. Get up.
Get dressed.

-What do you want?
-Go before she wakes! Hurry.

-Quiet.
-Get out!

It took her ages to fall asleep.
So don't wake her up!

-Quickly.
-Stop pushing me.

-Asshole!
-I am, all right?

Hurry up. Hurry up!

You know what she did
last night?

After my shower,
she cooked noodles for me!

Not instant noodles!
Real noodles!

The worst thing is,
she peeled an egg!

Is she crazy?

It's just sex. She makes it feel
like "family"!

Never sleep with the same woman twice!

Look at the stupid hickey!

It'll take a few days to disappear...

Hello?

It's Xiaoyu.

Yes.

I'm sorry the signal is not good.

So?

Yes, we're on wheels.

Yes.

He's eating noodles.

You've let it go.

It won't kill you to make
small talk with her.

Make a U-turn.
I need to go back.

What?

I have to go! No more games!

-What do you mean "go home"?
-No! I want home!

What do you mean "home"?
Hands off.

Listen!

Go back!

-Turn back! You hear me?
-Are you fucking crazy?

What are you doing?

Turn the car around!

You...

Turn back!

What the hell are you thinking?

Are you out of your mind?

I'm going home.

I'm going home to see my mom,
all right?

It's just a fucking divorce.
Get the fuck over it, all right?

I don't want to get over it.
What can you do about it?

I want to stay in the shadow.
Forever! All right?

Throw that stupid umbrella,
you hear me?

-No, I won't.
-Drop it!

No, I won't.

No.

Go away!

I want to stay at home!
Why kidnap me?

Why did you get me out?

I want to hide in my crib,
all right?

Drop that stupid umbrella,
you hear me?

No! I am a loser.

I can't hook up with a girl,
all right?

Okay, okay, okay, anyway.

My fault... All right?

I apologize.

I know you're upset for the girls.
I'll find you a new one, all right?

Save your bullshit!

I promise I'll get you a good girl.

Save it.

You tricked me because
you didn't want to be alone!

-My intentions were good.
-Good? Intentions?

-I promise to get you one!
-You're a womanizer!

-Even when she is my dream girl!
-Asshole.

-Fuck.
-Gee...

Geng Hao.

When was the last time
you saw your mom?

Honey? Don't worry...

We will take care of it.
We'll pay for all.

Everything!

All right?
I hope you are not hurt.

Save your nonsense!
All right?

Did you hurt your legs?

Fuck.

What are you doing?

Fuck!

It's leaking. The brake is broken.

-Do you have a signal?
-No.

What's wrong? Uncle Geng?

I'm off to the airport.

The airport is too far.

I can tow your car.
I'll drive. Okay?

The airport is in the opposite direction.

You're so intelligent.

If you tow my car with your car,

like the blind leading the dead.

Perfect.

-You must have majored in science.
-No.

What?

I'll sit next to you to make it
easier for the tow.

I want him to sit next to me.
You sit in your own car.

Why?

He looks more normal.
All right?

Trust me,
he's... normal but...

Take a good look at him.

Turn around and look at him.

Look carefully. His right ear.

Let me tell you something.
He's a fag.

That's great.

You, get in my car.

I haven't finished.
Actually...

I'm not straight neither.

You may be gay,
but not a good gay.

What the hell is this?

"In case of danger,
take this product out,

face the attacker, spray it.
It will protect you from danger."

Do you spray everywhere?

My first time.
You're the first victim.

I'm the second victim.
Cue ball back there is the first.

So for women,
all men on the earth are evil.

You're not woman-friendly
for sure.

Yes!

Your friend told me about
what you are.

God damn that cue ball.
He's such a gossiper.

Why throw away?

Be confident.

-Guys like you are everywhere.
-Everywhere?

It means society
is not on the right track.

Now that we are on this trip.
Out of sight, out of mind.

It's an escape, not a solution.

What did you just read?

In case of danger, face it.

Hello?

You stick your eyes on ass?

You idiot!
Had you looked back once?

I'd got lost!
But you keep moving!

Bullshit!
There was no signal here!

I'm genius enough to figure out
a way to call you.

You idiot!

Where are you now?

Why didn't you honk?

There was no fucking battery.

Come back and pick me up!

Turn the wheels...

-Is it okay?
-Okay.

Wait. Perfect.

Is it okay? Let's go.

You're truly something.

I had no idea where we lost him.
I didn't feel anything. Did you?

Perhaps, uphill.

Why?

The gravity uphill, you know.

Are we close?

It shouldn't be far after that sign.

Oh, no. It's downhill and
the brakes are out!

-Stop.
-How?

That's useless.

-Stop pressing the gas.
-I'm not pressing!

Is this okay?

It'll be fine.

It scared me half to death.

That was dangerous.

God bless crazy people.

Cue ball is lucky.

What's happening?
What should we do?

Don't press the gas.

I'm not.

What should we do?

Don't panic!

Hey. What are you doing?
Don't do it.

It's dangerous.

Focus on the road.

Be careful.

Make sure your belt is on!

Be careful!

Stop doing this!

I'm not gay.

Hao Yi!

Hao Yi!

Hao Yi!

Run!

Fuck...

Are you all right?

Are you all right?

Are you all right?
Are you trying to kill yourself?

What did you do to her?

Nice temper...

-Are you guys all right?
-It's not all right.

I told you many times.

Don't pee and poop!

Smell it.

Uncivilized, you know?

Remember that, puppy.

It's not right.

If you are not satisfied
With your life

Without happiness and
You don't know why

You are not happy
Neither do you like here...

Hello,

Hello, beautiful.

Is that a CD you're playing?

Of course.

The days of cassettes are over.

It's Geng Hao, right?

Who's Geng Hao? I don't know.

It's a song about Erhai Lake.

Otherwise I'd never let sappy shit
like this to be played here.

So you're not a fan.
Why don't you sell this CD to me?

Sell it?

But I'm not selling.

It's a gift.

Thanks.

Record a slogan for me.

No, no, no.

I'm old school.
I should just pay with cash.

Keep the change.

Thanks. The case?

-No case.
-Why not?

It's among that pile over there.

Never found.

I will find it.

You must be one of those
nostalgic chicks.

Came to Dali for this?

Many people swarm to Mount Tai,
just because of a poem?

A moment on the top
blah blah blah...

That's Li Bai.

Chicks like you shouldn't
read his poetry.

Here it is.

Got it.

This guy looks hilarious.

No, no, no.

Should I have you pay me

something for my loss?

"A moment on the top"
is not Li Bai's poem.

It was Du Fu.

Pay.

-Like music?
-Yes.

Who's your favorite?

Du Fu.

Du Fu.

Put it down.

Put it down.

Give me the gun.

It's just a prop.

It's real!

You goddamn kid!

Give it to me.

A prop gun is dangerous, too.

Musician?

A failed musician. Now selling
second-hand stereos.

Thanks.

It's not for you to eat.

It's to soothe your swelling.

-I...
-Quiet!

Hello?

Can you help me to book
a flight to Beijing?

First-class?
No economy class?

You don't have to do this.

Thanks.

Have something.

Good news and bad news.
Which do you want to hear first?

The bad news first then.

Here, there's only one flight
to Beijing every week.

So, I cannot leave.

Good news is
the flight is tonight,

and only one first-class ticket left,
I got it here for you.

The film company will pay for it.

Tonight?

In a place like this,
with a crushed van,

how can I get to the airport?

The cars will be fixed.

Excuse me.

Is this yellow tricycle working?

Yes, with a new battery.

Hello, Nana?
I need to get to the airport urgently.

Meet me there, okay?

She's a cool girl.

Yes. She's very good.

She cares about you so much
that she can't wait to get rid of you.

Sure. She's been very kind to me.

Do you fancy her?

What are you talking about?

Are you in love?

I'm not!

Come on. If you're in love,
just tell me. I'll give her to you!

I'm not.

Pity...

So just leave.

Unless...
you want me to stay.

No, not at all.
I fully respect your decision.

With a second thought, I'm thinking
perhaps I don't have to go.

Come on. You should stick to
your decision.

Thank you for your
unfailing support.

That's brotherhood.

-It tastes weird.
-It's organic.

This goes forward.

This goes backward.

This is the brake.

Be careful.

-Are you sure this will work?
-No problem.

Try it.

Damn, that's spicy!

Honestly,
I know you're crazy about her.

But watch out.
Shiny eyes and long legs.

Definitely not the marrying type.

This is not what you need.

This is my girlfriend.

She looks cool.

Especially her dreadlocks.

See you.

See you.

Come on. Let's go.

I just want to say...

What else do you want to say?
You have her number.

Just stay in touch.

Oh, I just want to ask you,
what is the brand of your man repellent?

Keep it as a gift.
Keep it as a gift.

Read the instruction carefully.

Sure. Face the attacker and spray it.

Time to go, man.

Your dog is horny.

-Goodbye.
-Bye-bye.

Everything is done,
except a carrier for the dog.

You can buy one from the store
over there.

I'll go and get one.
Wait here.

Next, please.

Show me your ID, please.

Any luggages to check?

-Yes.
-Put it on the belt.

Wife's missed calls.

-Hello?
-Hello?

I saw you called.
Sorry I missed it.

What's up?

I bought a new cell phone.

Change my information,
need your ID.

Sorry...
I'm not in Beijing.

So you're traveling.

I'm with Hao Yi. Shipping props
for a film production.

Be honest, I know you're
trying to avoid me.

I'm really worried about you.

Come on. We're adults.

We have to learn to
face reality, right?

See,
I'm talking to you now.

Good... Don't hate me.

I won't.

It's over.

I'm fine now.

I believe even if I see you
with that guy,

I'll be relaxed about it.

If one day you decide to marry him,

I wish I can be invited to your wedding.

Hello?

Hello?

Let's not talk about this.

Why not?

Why can't you tell me?

I don't know how to tell that...

Actually...

Are you getting married?

I...

You're getting married.

You're getting married.

Yes.

Don't you think it's a tad too soon?

Geng Hao...

I don't mean to upset you.
It's good. I...

Actually, last time I...

You guys are a good fit.

I...

I should congratulate you.

Really.

Geng Hao. Please...

Are you all right?

I... I am fine.

Very good.

I...

I'm really, really fine.

I hope you could...

find your love.

Geng Hao... Don't say that.

Good luck.

What you said made me feel...

And...

I've been thinking that maybe we should
get together and talk it out.

I just called my mom.

She said...
She said she was good.

She asked me not to worry.

Oh, really? Really? That's great.

So I don't have to go back.

Exactly. You don't have
to go back.

The girl we just met is good.

Exactly.

Yes, that girl is great.

I think she's a good match
for me.

She fucking totally fits you.

Shiny eyes and long legs.

She's perfect!

The point is...

She likes you!

I like her, too.

Yes, you do!

Then you should go and
tell her that.

I should go and tell her that.

Forget about the flight.

Go and find her!

Now!

-Let's go.
-Let's go.

-Go!
-Let's go.

Let's go.
This way.

This way.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Tell her loudly.

With flowers.

She's there!

This boarding pass is
still valid

if we tape it back together.

I swear.

I'll get someone in bed tonight.

Hi, sweetie.

Hi, why did you lie to me?

You can't fool me.
You have no boyfriend.

I saw your information on
the dating website.

Are you kidding me?

I'm sorry. All right?

All right.

My husband has a colleague,
who's really nice.

Fly back ASAP.

I've got you a date on Monday.

You hear me?

Call you when I'm back. All right?

Stop wasting time!

Be proactive.

-I tell you...
-Gee...

I'm really busy. Hanging up.

Married women are just impossible.

Married women are crazy.

It's none of your business.

Never be a married woman! Again!

Leave me alone.

Never ever...

I want a big house with a view of the sea!

I want a "true man"!

Here I am!

Keep it slow and nice.

Only three or four answers?

What the hell with other men?

Where is the "true man" and the house?

What are you looking for?

Could it be this cell phone?

Thanks. Can you give it back to me?

It rains, snows and hails here,

but never "phones".

Try this. I made it specially for you.

Can't you read?

Get up there, and yell out your desires.

Then you find your phone.

Unbelievable. I won't.

No phone here.

I want a strong man!

I am the man!

Hey, that's mine.

Call out your desire!

Hello, beautiful.

Come on. Yell out your desires.

I want my phone back.

It doesn't count.

I want...

I want...

I want...

Louder!

I want...

You bastards to leave me alone!

I want to be single forever!

See?

I knew you'd enjoy this theme.

Thank you for your participation.

Can you give my phone back now?

But you haven't fully opened up.

I want you to yell out your desires,
not your aspiration.

Now yell it one more time.

Give my phone back to me.

One...

Two...

No, no, no.

You missed the target again.

Now it's my turn.

You're no sniper either.

We'll see.

Tell me,

you love me.

Bro... Are you kidding me？

Are you a teenager?

What?

Sit down.

You look upset, bro.

Tell me,

you are wrong.

What's wrong?

Do you admit you made a mistake?

Bro...

Please, don't do this to me.

I don't think I've done anything wrong!

Your mistake is that
you abandoned him.

Bro...

Let's have fun.

-Shut up.
-Shut up!

Come on, bro.

You're such an idiot.

I think you're just torturing yourself.

Stop making a scene.

Answer me, now.

Stop, will you?

I'm here for fun!

Not your actress!

Or earn more as an actress!

You want more money?

Enough?

Hey, bro.

I wouldn't mind giving it a shot.
I was an extra.

Move away!

Gold digger!

It was true.

Really.

Tell me.

What do you want?

-I'm sorry.
-Not that.

I made a mistake.

I love you.

Say it with some heart, okay?

I love you.

It's not real.

It's fake!

I love you.

I love you.

With heart!

Make it true!

From your heart!

I love you. I love you.
Come on, bro.

I can't act!

Bro... Stop messing!

I can deal no more!

To your health!

Bro, I love you to death.
I love you to hell.

Am I more convincing now?

Come on.

Alcohol makes you say that.

Love is being together
in rough times.

Come on.

Drink this.

Let's drink!

Cheers.

Cheers.

Go hell!

See?

Women are all same.

For the sake of money,

they say "I love you" to everybody.

Turned to another guy for money!

I had quit from singing
and selling second-hand stereos.

And you left me without saying goodbye!

Fine. Go.

Go!

My purse...

Calm down!

Cops!

Put on your shoes.

What are you doing here?

You left without saying "goodbye".

Come on.

How did you find me?

Must be haunted by a ghost.

Are you from a horror film?

Isn't it disgusting?

Say again？

-You are dirty!
-So what?

-You're dirty!
-The man who took bath water is dirty!

Shut up, both of you!
Get out of here!

Stop. Stop. Stop.

Put my purse down!

-How dare you? That's violent!
-Move away!

Great.

Fine!

Fuck you!

Don't touch me.

Can't you play by the rules?

Do you have problems?

We are O-N-S!

I knew it.

Don't sleep twice with the same woman.

The truth is...

I came to give this...

This is "faith".

You told me.

I thought... It is important to you.

You lost it in the hotel.

I lied to you, idiot!

Fuck. He got divorced.

Very upset.

I made this all to cheer him up!

And you ruined it!

Stop stalking me. Get it?

Get out!

You hear me?

Sorry...

She's mentally screwed.

What?

What's your problem?

I knew it.

Are you pitying me?

Thanks.

Geng Hao.

I did all this with good intentions.

Thank you.

Where are you going?

Your clothes!

Hey.

Come back!

Come back. You hear me?

Stop embarrassing me, you jerk.

Go, go, go, go.

Put your pants back on!

Honey. It's them.

What the fuck...

Hey, hey, hey.

Where's that bitch?

Look.

I just had a plastic surgery,
see how it's fucked!

What do you say?

I'm sorry.
We'll compensate.

Twenty grand.

Twenty grand?
What the fuck...

I don't have enough cash.

I'll give you all.

This is all the money I have.

I'm sorry, madame.

Now you call me "madame"？

What did you call me before?

Love me?

Say! Love me or not?

Yes, I love you.

What the fuck...

Love boss's wife?

No, no, no.

I don't love her.

Tell me it was a mistake.

Yes, it was a mistake.

Say it with heart! From your heart!

You were such an excellent director
minutes ago. You were superb.

I'm so sorry.
I was a total idiot.

Sorry. I was a total idiot.
I was a total idiot.

Nice tattoo.

Are you mafia?

No, no, no.

-Did you ask my girl to entertain you?
-Yes, yes! It's him!

You...

Stand up on that.

Entertain me.

Sing a song for me.

"Where's the road?"

What the fuck...

Man.

A duet is better. I'm a better singer.

Get up there.

Get the luggage ready

Get the horse ready

We'll set out at sunrise...

Louder.

We'll rest at sunset...

Continue.

Stop singing.

Stop singing.

-Stop singing.
-Get back to the stage.

You have no idea...

What the fuck...

Kill him.

No need to be angry.

-I'll kill him.
-Move away.

Come on.

Come on.

-Kill me.
-Brother...

Come and kill me.

Don't move.

Stand right there.

-Oh, brother...
-What now?

You want more entertainment?

Oh, brother...

You like music, don't you?

Oh, brother. You're still young.
You're still young.

If you commit murder,
your life is over.

Sing a song for me.

"I'm a happy lamb", 20 times.

-Sing!
-I really can't.

-Sing it.
-I'm a happy lamb...

Fuck off.

Continue singing.

I'm just a lamb...

What the fuck...

Did I ask you to move?

Who said you could move?
Did I say that you could move?

I didn't move.

I'm just a lamb...

Louder.

-I'm just a lamb...
-Sing it louder.

What the fuck...

-I beg you, brother.
-What the fuck?

-What the fuck?
-I can't, brother.

I really can't sing, brother...

Are you laughing?

I was beaten up by those guys.
You were just standing there, laughing.

Is that right?

Can you try to be normal
for once, you jerk?

What the hell do you mean
by "normal"?

They asked me to get up here. So I did.
They asked me to sing. So I did.

Look at you!

Damn it. You've become such a loser!

I was a loser in the past,
and I am a loser now.

I am stupid!

I'm not you.

You flirt with girls.
You're the perfect lover.

You use guns. You shot the gun...

Who are you,
Leon The Professional?

I did it for your sake.

I almost shot someone.
I almost committed murder.

You did it for my sake? Or you did it
to make me feel like a loser?

You were right!

I was your shadow.

I made you feel bigger.

What the fuck are you saying?

I am very important.
I am so important to you.

Who else is there in your life?

Is there anybody you love?
Or who loves you?

I am just a puppy in your eyes.

What are you doing?
I have a gun, too.

Geng Hao.

This isn't good for our friendship.

I've been a brother to you
all these years.

How can you treat me like this?

Say it one more time.

Starting from today,

you and I go separate ways.

You're a woman.

-If you were a man...
-Stop your nonsense.

What's the issue here?

Are you manly enough?

Real man doesn't argue with girls.

How embarrassing!

I am a man.

The injured party.

And you?

You killed his phone. Funny?

If it's your own phone, I can't say no.

If it's someone else's phone,

I must say "no".

In the future,

it doesn't matter whose phone it is.

Just don't toss it in Erhai Lake.

No good for the environment!

I promise it won't happen.

I've had enough of this place.

Wife

Delete Wife

Kang Xiaoyu: I am sorry.
Geng Hao

City of destination, Sir?

Dali.

You hear me?

City of departure?

Dali.

How many times do you need me
to repeat?

Airport, please. Hurry.

I need a taxi tomorrow morning
to the airport.

Bye!

Kang XiaoYu: I am sorry.
Geng Hao

Excuse me.

Where's my dog?

You love him, huh? He's inside.

Is this your dog?

So... It is yours?

-The manager said he was homeless.
-Cover his ears before saying that!

But you abandoned him.

Tell me, what's his name?

Geng Hao.

That's disrespectful.

I know you.

Did we meet somewhere before?

Your crappy songs...

They were all filled with lies.

I see.

You don't trust men.

Fine. I'm sorry.

Let me buy you a drink.

I don't drink.

A glass of water, please.

Why are you laughing?

The question is,
why are you laughing?

I'm laughing because
you are laughing.

Thanks.

So weird, this...

I hate oranges.
But love the smell of orange peel.

That's a waste.

It tastes like orange.

Excuse me.

I made a new wall for
my customers to write on.

Would you like to write on it?

Sure.

Geng Hao.

Kang Xiaoyu.

Almost forgot.

I'm sorry?
Are you saying "sorry"?

Don't take it wrong.

"Sorry" is the dog's name.

What kind of name is that?

When you bring him out,
you're apologizing to the whole world.

Originally I wanted to name him...
"Orange Peel".

"Orange Peel"?
That's not nutritious.

How about "Orange Juice"?

That's too complicated.

So "Juice"?

Kang XiaoYu: I am sorry.
Geng Hao

You want O-N-S?

I want...

You want muscle?

I want...

Come on!

Or tender tongue?

I want...

I want O-N-S!

You want O-N-S?

I want...

You want muscle?

I want...

Or tender tongue?

What are you grumbling?

We know each other so well,
but you are still so hard to read...

Better send me a message.

Excuse me.

Did you get a consent
from that lady?

Are you a law enforcement officer?

No. I'm just asking.

Do you know her?

Yes.

Here in Dali, you get all kinds of girls.

We have a party
starting from 8:00 PM here.

You are invited.

Many girls are waiting for you.

She's my ex.

That woman.
"I want...I want...I want..."?

No, no, no. He didn't mean it.

Just a game.

"Montage"!

How about stop playing it?

Or...

delete it.

Let me help you with your memory.
Bro...

he just said,
she was your ex.

So it means
it has nothing to do with you.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Come on. Try...

What a fool.

I want...

A big fool.

My ex-wife was in someone's bed.
What would I do.

Nothing?

Excuse me, guys.

You said it was none of my business.

Let me show you.

Look...

this iPad,

then when the sun reflects upon it,
this side is bright,

and this side is dark.

As dark as it is,

it's still part of the iPad.

As I was saying...

Yes, my failed marriage,

it became the dark side.

Right?

But it's also part of my life.

If you insulted my ex,
you insult my life.

So it is my business.

Yes... He is right...

It makes no fucking sense.

What the hell do you want?

I just want to say...

Fuck!

You!

-What do you want?
-Wait.

Wait.

Look.

I have a small surprise.

It says on the label...

It says,

whatever you encounter,

you must face it.

Awake?

Stay with me,

I'll get you to hospital.

You'll be fine.

Stay with me!

Hold me...

Geng Hao!
Geng Hao!

Help!

Help!

Help!

Anybody? Help!

Hey, you! Help!

Call 911.

Someone is injured. Get help!

You know what I'm saying?

-Not really.
-Help! Call 911.

Hao Yi.

I want to say...

I want to tell you...

Say it.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Get up. Let's go.

Hao Yi.

What I'm saying is...

I...

love...

you.

What do you mean?

I have never told you
this before...

Never to...

I'm afraid if I don't say now

then I won't be able to anymore.

Do you love me?

Do you?

I do, I love you, too.

You said you love me!

Liar!

Where are we going?

Tian Men Mountain.

Are you crazy?

No.

It's not your business.

I have work to do.

The wedding planner is insane
because he's a film director,

he made my wedding a film's release!

I wanted a white wedding.

Instead it becomes
"Emperor and Assassin"!

And... "A Terracotta Warrior"!

Mr. Director, the floor is yours!

Hello, everybody.
My name is Yue Xiaojun.

-I'm not late.
-Oh, my God. Good to have you here.

This is Dong's best friend, Xiao Bei.

Say "hi".

-Hi. Geng Hao.
-Xiao Bei.

Now, Hao Yi's best friend, Geng Hao,

please give us a speech.

At Hao Yi's wedding,

I feel happy for him.

I want to thank him,

for pulling me out from the "shadow"
with his best.

And courageously entering

the shade of his marriage.

Now I'm standing in the sun.

Now we cheer for this new couple,

to give them wishes.

Bless him!

-How are you?
-Good.

You look good.

You look good, too.

What are you laughing about?

I just find it funny.

The wedding was very funny.

The director is crazy.

I'll walk you out.

Let's go.

Don't forget your purse again.

I heard you're writing new songs?

Yes, I'm trying.

Why did you give it up before?

Why?

Before I had to make a living.
I had to make money.

Make a living.

Life is more than just "making a living".

Bye.

Eat more. You're too thin.

Did you see Hao Yi and Dong Dong?

Not in the hall?

No. I was told they came out
to the parking lot.

Let me help you,
let me help you,

-No, thanks.
-Come on.

-I'll walk you to the van.
-Thanks.

This is heavy.

Don't let it stain your suit.

No worries. I don't need this suit.

Really?

You looked great in that dress.

Thanks.

I'm not comfortable in dresses.

Really?

What's wrong with the car?

That's too quick...
But legally...

No worries.

Let's take the stuff to the van.

What do you do?

Used to sell second-hand stereos.

Now, I'm a musician.

Cool! I'm teaching music!

Really?

You have to teach me!

Come on.
I'd like to hear your work.

Maybe I should learn from you.

I'm doing it for fun...

I have a few demos...

Are you free today?
I'd like to show you.

Yes! I've got some in my phone.

Just please don't laugh at me.

Too tired...

The guests should be leaving.

Shall we go and say goodbye?

Well... I need to wash off.

No! I want Avatar.

Come on, take a break.
We've been here for too long.

I'm spent!

Geng Hao blesses Kang Xiaoyu 2014