Breaking the Rules (1992) - full transcript

BOY 1: One, two,
a-one, two, three...

♪ This thingBOYS 2 AND 3: ♪ This thing

♪ Called love ♪ Called love

♪ It cries ♪ Like a baby

♪ In a cradle all night

♪ It swings ♪ Whoo-ooh

♪ It jives ♪ Whoo-ooh

♪ Shakes all over
like a jellyfish

ALL: ♪ I kinda like it

♪ Crazy little thing
called love ♪

GENE: I bet you
five bucks.



PHIL: You don't
have five bucks.

Guys, I'm not
doing this again.

What a baby.

Gene, trust me,
maturity has nothing
to do with this.

Come on, Rob.

I can't.

Uh, I gotta get home
and fix dinner
for my dad.

Bull! You've just
got a weak stomach,
Konigsberg.

You leave my stomach
out of this.

It's a well-known fact
you get nauseous
just turning around.

That's only
if you're standing
behind me.

PHIL: Look, you're down
three bucks.

This is your chance
to come out ahead.

I don't want to
come out ahead,
okay, Phil?



Rob, you have to
do this with us.

Why?

Because you have to.

That's not a reason.

I'll do your
math homework.

That's a reason.

And the crowd goes wild

as Stepler finishes
his death-defying ride.

Hey, Gene,
look at this.

I don't believe it.

Yeah, I think
we've been hustled.

All right,
you win, Rob.

[ROB MOANING]

Rob!

What'd he say?

[MUFFLED]
I can't open the door!

Hurry! There's somebody's
smelly sweat socks in here.

We'll have you out
in just a second.
Gene, pull with me.

ROB: Guys, I think
I'm gonna lose it!

Where the hell
is the plug
on this thing!

Look for it!

PHIL: Hang in there.

[ROB VOMITING]

[ROB RETCHING]

MAN: Watch your...
Watch your fingers.

My dad's
gonna kill me.

Doesn't your dad
have insurance?

What kind of insurance
covers this?

Oh, come on, guys.
This is nothing.

We've been through
a lot worse.

Really true.

And we survived.

Why?

Because we are
the chosen ones.

The chosen ones.

The chosen ones.

Hi, Dad.

ALL: He did it.

[GRAVITYPLAYING]

♪ It's the law of gravity

♪ What goes up
comes down to me...

ALEX TREBEK ON TV:
Starting in 776 BC,

these were held
quadrennially
in honor of Zeus.

PHIL: What are
the Olympics?

CONTESTANT ON TV:
What are the Olympics?TREBEK: Right.

CONTESTANT:
Buy "Zeus" for $300.

TREBEK: Zeus led a revolt
against this group

and dethroned
his father Cronus.
Frank?

FRANK: Who were
the Olympians?

TREBEK: No. PHIL: Who were the Titans?

TREBEK: Garrett. GARRETT: Who were the Titans?

TREBEK: Titans.
Yes, you got it.

GARRETT:
Buy "Zeus" For $100.

TREBEK: Zeus originated
as an Indo-European god
of this.

PHIL: What is weather?TREBEK: Garrett?

GARRETT: Please,
what is weather? TREBECK: Yes.

GARRETT:
Buy "Zeus" For $200.

TREBEK: Though Zeus had
over 100 mistresses,

he chose her,
his sister,
to be his wife.

PHIL: Who is Hera? TREBEK: Frank.

Who is Hera?TREBEK: Yes.

Buy "Zeus"
for $400.

[TREBEK READING]

PHIL: What is
a thunderbolt? What is a thunderbolt?

PHIL: Yes!TREBEK: Correct.

Uh, "Bottoms up"
for $100.

TREBEK: A screwdriver is
vodka and orange juice,

while a bloody Mary
is vodka...

That brings my total
to $17,000.

Okay.

♪ It's the law of gravity

♪ What goes up
comes down to me... ♪

PHIL: Hey,
you're late, man.

GENE: Tell me about it.

I was the guy sitting
on the runway at O'Hare
for two hours.

Gene, I can't believe
you're here!

Well, you're
an engaged human.

I figure that's
worth blowing my
frequent flyer miles.

So what have you
been doin' with yourself?

What do you mean,
what have I been
doing with myself?

You call me, like,
every day. [CHUCKLES]

What's up with this hair?
Who are you, Bon Jovi?

Yeah, well, I just,
you know, wanted
to spring it on ya.

And what's this?
You wanted to spring
this on me, too?

When'd you
get this thing?

Window dressing's
a very lucrative
profession.

Don't bullshit me.

All right, the truth?
My dad bought it for me.

Sort of a you-quit-school-
in-your-senior-year-and-
blew-your-future present.

Bullshit.

[PHIL GRUNTING]What are you doing?

PHIL: It's spring!

Yeah, but it's
spring in Cleveland.

We can store meat outside.

Last semester,
straight A's,
and you quit?

PHIL: You're parking cars,
and you're putting me down?

In Chicago that's
the greatest way
to make contacts.

Oh.

So, are you looking forward
to seeing your aunt?

Well, I'm a little old
to be locked in the basement.

It shouldn't be
so bad.

Whoa, since when did you
start smoking?

Since about a month ago.

I got tired of
secondary inhalation. [COUGHING]

Where the hell
are you taking me?

New place. Very trendy.
It's you, lots of class.

[COMMENTATOR CHATTERING]

So, huh?
What do you think?

Definitely class
to spare.

[PATRONS CHEERING]

I'll be right back.

[GENE EXCLAIMING]

PHIL: Hey, hey!
When did you get in?

Oh, don't ask.You like it?

This afternoon.
My dad just picked me
up from the airport.

The plane,
goddamn plane was
a rollercoaster ride

the second we left
Baltimore. I'm never flying
again, I swear to God.

Hi.

She's cute.

Surprise!

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

[SARCASTICALLY]
How are ya?

What the hell
are you doing,
Stepler?

I'm trying to arrange
a little cease-fire.

Damn it, Phil.

This isn't
your problem.

To hell it isn't.

Why don't you guys
just talk?

Why don't we just talk
when we're ready to talk?

Are you gonna drag this
into the next millennium,
or what?

Well.

This is really
uncomfortable.

[SIGHING]

I gotta split.
Can I borrow your keys?

[STAMMERING]

All right,
so don't talk,
but Gene...

I, uh, I think
I need a ride.

ROB: Oh, Phil.
Do you realize
what you just did?

That man slept with
the only woman

that this man
has ever really loved.

You don't arrange
a surprise meeting
between these two men.

Am I getting through
to you, Phil?

Oh, boy.

You're pissed?

Very.

Very very?
Or just sort of very?

We're at medium very.

Medium very, wow.

That's just inches away
from not really.

No, no, it isn't,
not really.

Really? Right.Medium. Medium very
is what it is.

Can I, uh, still get
my engagement present
anyway?

I think not.

Maybe?

Maybe.

Maybe not?Maybe. Maybe,
then again, no.

I hate you. Play your cards right,

and you'll get
your little
engagement present.

Well, I'm looking forward
to meeting this girl.

PHIL: You will,
at tomorrow's soiree.

[WHISPERING] Phil,
you're getting married.

So don't go away,
'cause I'm gonna be back.

I gotta talk to somebody.

Twenty minutes.

MAN: How about
this weekend? WOMAN: Really?

Brian.

Call me up.

I'll pull you out of
this dump. I'll get you
a job in Chi-Town.

Hey, Gene.
How you doin'?Hey! How you doin'?

Nice. You ever think
about a career in music?

Yeah, I did.

So, uh...

[EXHALING]

What the hell
do you want?

We gotta talk.

Okay. Okay,
let's talk.

About Phil.

Okay.

What about him?What about him?

The guy's a goddamn genius
and he's working
in a store window.

I know. I think
it's this fiancee of his,
Jennifer.

The guy's in love.

Have you ever met
this chick?

No, have you? No.

And I've been walking
around here. I've been
asking people.

Apparently,
nobody's met her.

And in fact, we're
the only idiots

that think this is
an engagement party.

What?

So, what are you saying?

I think it's drugs.

[SCOFFS]
Drugs?

Get out of here!

Phil would never
be into drugs.

PHIL: Kids, can
I have your attention?
Check out this entrance.

[ALL SCREAMING]

Fabulous, amazing, or what?

MAN: What, are you
out of your mind?

Relax, everybody.
Everything's under control.

Although somebody
might want to put that out.

Jesus Christ, Stepler!
What are you doing?

What can I say?
Magic's an imperfect art.
How are you?

Can we have
one minute
of your time?

Yeah. Sure.
Take all the time
you need.

MAN 2: You're crazy,
big guy.

So, like,
what is with you?

So, like,
what do you mean?

He said you
were on drugs.
I said no way.

Well, technically,
you're wrong.

Yeah, man,
I knew it,
I knew it.

Phil, we want
to help you.

[CHUCKLING]

I love this.
Suddenly you guys
are a "we" again.

GENE: Phil, I'm serious.

Well, so am I.

I promise that
I'll straighten out
by tomorrow.

But only

if we can go out
in a blaze of glory
tonight.

Forget about
everything that
has been,

and everything
that will be.

Let's just drop it

and get completely
lit up tonight. Huh?

Great. And tomorrow,
will you tell us...

Tomorrow I am yours.

Here we go. All right.

Thank you. Cheers.

Here you go, Gene.

♪ You really got
a hold on me

♪ You really
got a hold on me

♪ You really got
a hold on me

♪ You really got
a hold

♪ Baby

♪ I don't want you

♪ But I need you

♪ I don't want to kiss you

♪ But I need to

♪ You treat me badly

♪ I love you madly

♪ You really got
a hold on me

♪ You really got
a hold on me

♪ You really got
a hold on me

♪ You really
got a hold

♪ Baby

♪ I love you

♪ And all I want
you to do is just

♪ Hold me ♪ Squeeze

♪ Hold me ♪ Squeeze

♪ Hold me

♪ Hold me...

♪ You really got a...

♪ Hold ♪ Hold

♪ Hold

MAN: All right!

[ALL CHEERING]

When I was in Hebrew School,
there was this guy
named Schmuel,

or I don't know,
something like that.

And every day we would
get this ten-minute break,
right?

During that, we would go
into the bathroom

and I would let him
rub my foot over
this bulge in his underpants.

What?You what?

Yeah! For 35 cents,
he would rub my foot,
with my sock on it,

over his thing.

[ALL LAUGHING]

His thing.
Rob, you're 22 years old.
You can say a hard-on.

Robert...

[ALL LAUGHING]

Tell me one thing.
If you had
a hole in your sock,

would you charge him extra?

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

[PEOPLE SHOUTING OUTSIDE]

GIRL: Gene,
are you in there?

How come you never
told us this before?

Because it's a really
embarrassing subject.

Man, that's not embarrassing.
Do you guys wanna hear
embarrassing?

I've got embarrassing. You got embarrassing?

Remember I told you
I went down
to Kansas City

for that
ad agency interview?

PHIL: Right.

Now, they put me up
at the Hyatt down there,
right?

And I get really drunk
the night before.

I don't know why,
you know.

Probably because
I was nervous. Right.

Anyways I'm hangin' out
in the dark. I go to bed.

I wake up and
I gotta piss like
a race horse, man.

And I can't see anything,
'cause I don't have
my glasses on, and it's dark.

Well, I open my eyes
and I'm not in the bathroom.

I'm standing out in
the hallway, dangling
with my fucking thing out.

You were dangling?GENE: And the door's
locked behind me!

GIRL: Gene,
I'm waiting!

[ALL EXCLAIMING]

Shh! Shh!

Go on! Go on!

Okay, so
you're at this
chi-chi Hyatt.

Anyways,
I'm standin' there,

and I look around,
and there's 160 people

looking at the crack
of my ass!

[ALL LAUGHING]

That's very funny!

What?

What the hell
happened to you?

[LAUGHING]

[GENE LAUGHING]

ROB: You look like Curly!

PHIL: [IMITATING CURLY]
Certainly!

Whoop, whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop!

Listen, have I
got a story
for you guys.

I hope so.

I've been thinkin'
of a way to tell you this,

but I got a mild
case of death.

[LAUGHING]

You look that up.

I'm serious,
I got this...

I got this...

Myelo...

I can't even say it
when I'm straight, but...

Give me a month,
and I'm out of here!

Whoop, whoop, whoop!

Look at that.
Look at that.

PHIL: Oh, man,
we're all dying...

[JEOPARDYPLAYING ON TV
IN DISTANCE]

[JEOPARDYPLAYING ON TV]

I was, um...

I was taking
these treatments...

For a while, you know.

I was sick all the time.

Are you getting married?

I bullshitted that.

I didn't know how else
to get you home.

I wanted to see you,
but...

I wasn't gonna
say anything.

Why the hell not?

I look at my parents,
and they're like rocks,

but I know
what it's doing to them.

But, Phil,
I'm not your parents.

I could have...

Gene.

I thought I was
gonna get better.

Jesus, Phil.

It's, um...

It's not that bad.

It's not that bad?

What the hell
are you talking about?

I mean, you should have
seen me five months ago,

when they had
to scrape me up
off the carpeting.

Oh, man.

So, what...

What do you do?

I'm working on it.

[IMITATING CURLY]
Morning!

Why west?

We can go surfing,
get some tattoos,
you know,

we can meet
Vanna White...

Gene, time
to get it on.

What do you think?

LA?

Los Angeles.

This is really
a suck-butt sport, man.

Oh, and as
further inducement,
gentlemen,

read this.

Huh, Jeopardy. Can you believe it?

I got an audition
April 4th.

You guys are always
riding me about
never going anywhere.

Now I want to see
the mystical lands

that lie beyond Ohio.

Phil... Phil, I'm
in medical school.

Rob, you hate it.

No, I don't.
I like it just fine.

You hate it.

Okay, so I hate it.

Yeah. All right. I'll go.

You will? Yeah.

In a couple of years, I'm
gonna end up sewing some guy's
pancreas to his larynx,

and I'll just say,
"I'm sorry, mister,
but I was absent that week."

Gene?

Well, it looks like
we're on our way
to California.

Yes!
This is gonna be
so much fun.

And gentlemen,
we are all packed.

GENE: We're all packed? Yes.

You son of a bitch.

ROB: He's got something
called myelogenous leukemia.
It's the worst kind.

GENE: And what,
are you an expert
now, Rob?

I talked to my dad. Yeah, the "great doctor."

Gene, don't.
Just don't start in
on my dad.

Why not? He's the genius
that talked you into
bailing on us.

No, I decided
to go to medical school.

The songwriting thing,
that was your dream.

I mean, that wasn't a dream,
I was counting on you.

Oh, so you pay me back
by nailing Stephanie?

That's not why.
Shut up, would you?

All right. Okay.
All right.

Look, we just gotta
get through
this trip together.

When it's over,
we never have to
see each other again.

Fine. Fine.

That sounds
like a plan.

Fine.

Remember what you said.

I'll be back.

I promise I'll be back.

Okay, here we are,
the three Mouseketeers,

loading all the stuff
into the van. Look at that.

He means we're loading
all the stuff in the van.

PHIL: [LAUGHS]
You are so funny.

Hey, Philly.
This is my
good side here.

BOTH: Don't say,
"I don't have
a good side."

PHIL: Well, pilgrims,
we got a full tank of gas

and the wind in our backs... Va-va-va-voom!

PHIL: Dad's American
Express card in case
anything goes wrong...

Okay, kids, may we
fly like the wind.

[GRAVITYPLAYING]

♪ It's the law
of gravity

♪ What goes up
comes down to me

♪ I take this
very seriously

♪ It's up to you,
it's down to me ♪

"Jim 'The Mouth' Purol
of Livonia, Michigan,

"broke his own record
by simultaneously

"smoking 140 cigarettes
for five minutes."

You guys hear that? Jim "The Mouth" Purol?

Yeah. Well, I'm guessing his parents
didn't give him that name.

140 cigarettes.
How'd he get 'em
all in his mouth?

Okay, gents,
here's the game plan.

If we do 450 miles a day,
we'll be in LA in five days.

Philly, you win
the Jeopardyaudition,

you stay on the program
a week,

we're back in Cleveland
in 18 days, max.

Great. 18 days
with America's
favorite tightass.

Why don't you
just not worry about it?

I'm really sorry, Gene.

I didn't know you were
so unhappy about the way
I conduct my business.

Maybe you'd like to
make out the schedule?

We don't need
a schedule, Rob.

ROB: You're probably right.

You keep driving
like my grandmother,

we won't get out of
the Midwest anyway.

[BOTH COUGHING]

Hey, Phil,
what the hell
are you doing?

PHIL: Roll down a window.

Pull over.
Are you... Pull over!

[ALL COUGHING]

Jim "The Mouth" Purol,

your record is safe,
buddy.

[EXHALING]

Hey...

Hey, let's go camping.

What?

Where, right here?

Yeah. I bought
all this camping equipment.
Let's use it.

Phil, let's just
go to a motel, okay?

Fine. Whatever
you guys want to do.

Look up.
What do you see?

The lights
from the motel.

PHIL: You know,
Einstein said

that once we solve
all the mysteries
to the universe,

that we'll find God.

When my mother died,

the rabbi told me
that if I looked up

and found
the brightest star
in the sky,

it would be my mom.

I liked that.

[PHIL BREATHING HEAVILY]

Guys, I gotta go.

Where?

As in "I gotta go."
Where's that toilet thing?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You're not gonna go
right here, are you?

No, I'm gonna go outside.

Well, what a pal.

Okay, if I'm not back
in an hour,

you feel free
to rent out
my sleeping bag.

Hey, Phil,
I want you to take this.

Air freshener?

It's Glade.

Yeah, with the natural
outdoor scent.

Great. Terrific.

And Phil, be careful. What?

Be careful?
What do you mean,
be careful?

[RUSTLING IN THE BUSHES]

[GROWLING SOFTLY]

[GRUNTING]

PHIL: Guys! Guys!
Oh, my God! What? What?

You are not gonna believe
what just happened out there! What? What?

There was this bear. Yeah. GENE: A bear?

It was incredible.

We just stood there,

looking into
each other's souls

for what felt
like forever.

Stepler,
you're so full of shit.

I'm serious!

Holy shit.

[BEAR ROARS] Holy shit!

He's not gonna
hurt anybody, guys,
I promise.

GENE: Let's get
out of here! Guys!

Ow, oh, shit.

Get in.
Get in here.

GENE: Where the hell is he? ROB: He's right behind us!

Guys, guys,
it's a friendly bear.

Get in here!

We were having
such a good time.

We left all the stuff
back there!

Come on, let's go.

Oh, God,
we were having
such a nice time.

Hey, man,
I've got a rule:

Never question
the intentions of anything
over eight feet, okay?

Look out!

God! God damn it,
why did you...

Jesus!

Uh, Phil,

I know you had a thing
for this animal,

but it's my
professional opinion

that his bear is now
hibernating with God.

Let me focus. ROB: Oh, come on,
it's freezing!

Hey, man,
take off your coat.

No. Take off your coat.

Why? Because I said so.
Just do it.

This is my favorite coat.

We're gonna give him
a little bit of dignity.

I love this coat.

Oh, don't put it on the...
This is Irish tweed!

Pick him up.

I still think
you're an asshole. Man, this stinks.

[GROWLS]

Jesus! Jesus!

My wallet was in there.

ROB: Are you sure
this thing's not
gonna move?

PHIL: I told you,
it's a hotel.

ROB: But it looks
like a boat.

PHIL: Trust me,
it is a hotel.
Just chill out.

Happy birthday!

Whose birthday is it?

It's both of yours.
Happy, happy birthday.

I gotta get some Z's.

Come on, you don't
wanna miss the
gift-giving presentation.

Get up!

PHIL: It's your
surfing shirt.

Our what?

Your surfing shirt.
It's only to be worn when
we're knee-deep in beach.

I bought
a matching one
for myself.

Very hard to believe that
there's more than one of
these in existence.

But as bad as these are,
Phil, I'm glad to see
you'll be wearing

something other
than your usual wardrobe.

Why, what's
wrong with it?

Nothing. Nothing
is wrong with it.

It's just that
you've been wearing

the same T-shirts
and painters pants
since the 8th grade.

I like T-shirts
and painters pants.

Yes, I know.
But you look
like a slob.

A what?A slob.

And in the 8th grade,
you looked like
the same slob,

only shorter.

Wait a second.
I got something for you.

You are giving me
a complex.

Personally,
I like the way
you dress.

You got different colors,
different variations...

Well, that's all
you gotta say.

...I like it.
You look good.

Look at this.

What's this?

GENE:
What do you mean,
what is it?

What is it?
What the hell is this?

Give me this!

This is solid entertainment.
This is a cow in a can.

There's a little-bitty cow
in here.

[MOOING]

Is this great, or what?
I love this!

[MOOING]

That's great.
That's perfect.
Thank you.

You don't like this?

Go ahead, keep it.
Happy birthday.

Thanks, buddy.

[MOOING]

PHIL: I can't believe
the both of you
called me a slob.

GENE: I didn't
call you a slob.

[CAN'T STOP THINKING OF YOU
PLAYING]

♪ Can't stop

♪ Can't stop
thinkin' of you

♪ Can't stop

♪ Can't stop
thinkin' of you

♪ I've been
spinnin' around...

ROB: Boy,
oh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy, oh, boy.

PHIL: Too bad I'm
to skates what Menelaus
is to Proteus.

ROB: I don't know
what you just said,
but hey, me too.

Man, you guy never
see ineptness
as a good thing.

"Ineptitude".
"Ineptness" is not a word.

Who gives a shit?
The point is,

see, these chicks
are basically maternal,
right?

If we go out there,
we show them that
we need a little help,

they're gonna be
on us like a team
of paramedics.

It's an interesting
philosophy.

A narcissistic,
misogynist philosophy,

but damn interesting.

Oh, no.

I feel another
petty bullshit argument
coming along.

Why don't we just
nip it in the old bud

with a demonstration,
Gene?

Yes. Show us, Gene.

It would be
my pleasure.

Get out there.
Go get that.

Get that...No problem.

That way.

Hi.

[EXCLAIMS]

[LAUGHING]

Sorry! Sorry!

Sorry. Are you okay?

♪ Can't stop

♪ Can't stop
thinkin' of you

♪ No matter what I do

♪ No matter what I do

♪ Your love's got me
spinnin' around

♪ Show me how...
How you feel

♪ I feel like a kid
on a Ferris wheel

♪ Can't stop

♪ You could
go away to China

♪ It don't matter
where you go

♪ When I'm drivin' along
you're in every song

♪ Playing on my radio

Oh, fellas,

you're not going
to believe this,

but that beautiful
young lady just invited me
out to dinner.

Yeah, right.

What?

ROB: Phil, I really
like this sport.

[GRUNTING]

Why does my hair
only look good in Ohio?

Everybody's hair does.
It's the main reason
people live there.

No one has ever
asked me out before.

PHIL: One look at
you on skates, how
could any girl resist?

[GENE LAUGHING]

It's just that
I feel so self-conscious
around new people.

Not new people,
you mean chicks.

[EXHALING]

Well, I never
felt uncomfortable
around Stephanie.

Uh, guys,
nay, okay?

Now, listen,
this is what I do,
and it's a great leveler.

Rob, are you listening?Yeah. I'm here.

I picture them naked.

ROB: So do I,
and that's when
I really freak.

This tie sucks! And you want
to be a doctor.

An eye doctor.
I can handle
naked eyes.

Rob, will you just relax?
Sit down here.

Let me talk you
through this, okay?

Okay, I'm sitting.
I'm relaxing. Okay?

Okay. Okay. Now, there's
two things you gotta do.

Oh, God.Rob, number one,

don't talk. All right.
Don't talk.

Don't talk. I mean, people
say incredibly mundane
things on the first date.

You know, like,
"I have three sisters,

"two dogs, one cat,
I just love bike-riding."

You know, and this is
when the datee usually

starts taking
a mental trip somewhere.

Like, uh, Burma.

I don't know, I mean,
they're just not there
in the room, you know?

No. Go with a red tie
or something.

Okay, so just
ask questions.

Let her blah, blah.
She'll think you're
fascinating.

Now, number two.
Number two.

Fine. Number two.Number two.

If and when you do talk,
make sure it's funny. Yeah.

It doesn't have to be
like Monty Python-esque,

but just, you know,
a little schmoozing,
a little kibbutzing...

Kibitzing. Kibitzing.

...and you're 75% of the way
to the prone position.

And Rob,

when she's standing there
taking off all her clothes

and her body's
gleaming in
the moonlight,

under no circumstances
are you to say,
"Boy, oh, boy."

Gene, I'm not an idiot.
I don't think I would
ever say, "Boy, oh, boy."

Would you like to borrow
a little bit of my cologne?

No, it's okay.
I'm really not into
Essence of Arrogance.

[LAUGHING]
That's funny,
that's a good line.

See, you're funny. I'm a funny guy.

You are a funny guy.

A funny guy.

PHIL :Just
keep saying that.

ROB: So, these two pieces
of string go into a bar
and order a drink.

And the bartender says,
"I'm sorry, but we don't serve
string. You'll have to leave."

So they leave the bar
and one piece of string says
to the other piece of string,

"I got an idea.

"Wrap yourself
around me and spread
your ends apart."

[CHUCKLING] The one
piece of string says, "Why?"

And other piece of string
says, "Just do it."

So they go back in the bar,
they order another drink,

and the bartender says,
"Hey, aren't you
the piece of string?"

And the piece of string
says, "Frayed knot."

So, in other words, uh...

When a string ties itself
to another string, it's...

It's... It's a joke.

Not really. [LAUGHS POLITELY]

So what kind of music
do you like?

[STAMMERING]
I used to be in a band,

I played piano,
rock 'n' roll.

Uh, funk, funk,
funky stuff...

Is...

Is something the matter?

No.

I just can sense
that you're very spiritual.

I like that.

Spiritual. Yeah.

No. No, I don't think
I really...

No, no, there's something
very special about you.

Thank you.

Would you like to
come back to my condo?

Check, please.

Whoa! We got Babe Ruth
over here.

GENE: Wow.

Oh! Gene! Gene!
Are you okay?

Yeah.

Oh, God damn it. Whoa.
Get me my glasses.

I'm really sorry.

[EXHALING]

[LAUGHING]

I'm so sorry.

You're a dickhead.

[ROB PLAYING PIANO]

[STOPS PLAYING]

This is a very
wonderful place.

Thank you.

Yeah. I often feel like
it's been touched by God.

Like it's his house.

What does
he charge you
in rent?

Excuse me?

Oh, nothing.

[PLAYING PIANO]

Come here.

Take your shirt off,
Rob.

Hmm? My shirt?

You want me to
take off my shirt.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

[EXHALING]

[WATER RUNNING]

Oh, man, already
I feel a headache
coming on.

This will just have to do
till Rob comes up
with something better.

Ow. Ow.

You know, it's not so easy
watching you, either.

If you can't take it,
you can leave any time.

What are you
talking about?

When I was about
five or six,

my grandfather
snuck me into the hospital
to see my grandma.

She, uh...

She looked like
a Bosch painting.

She had no hair,
sunken dark eyes,

and I hardly recognized her,

and she didn't
know me at all.

I wanted to run from there
as fast as I could.

And that's the look
that I just saw
on your face.

Sorry.

What about this, man?

Do I look like a joik,
or do I look like a joik?

Tough choice.

You are so beautiful.

Thank you.

Did you know that
the Jews killed our Lord?

Well...

No.

What?

And do you know
that when the final day
of judgment comes,

everyone who
isn't born again

is gonna burn in
the eternal fire
in hell?

Well, I...

[LAUGHING UNCOMFORTABLY]
I don't really know.

Come with me.

Okay.

[LAUGHING UNCOMFORTABLY]

On your knees, Robert.

What...

Will you be
getting naked now,
or what?

No, silly!

I'm gonna save your soul
in the holy waters
of baptism!

Oh, shit.

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

ROB: She shoved my head
under the water.

PHIL: In the bathtub?

[PHIL AND GENE LAUGHING]

The bathtub!

I'm a Christian now.

I'm a God-fearing
Christian!

She told me
I was going to hell!

[RAPPING]
♪ I used to be a Hebrew
now I am a Christian

♪ Now I do what she do
'cause I'm on a mission [BEAT-BOXING]

ROB: Okay, thank you.

That's enough. ♪ It's not kosher,
hangin' up the yarmulke

♪ 'Cause a dame
heated my thermometer ♪

ROB: Thank you,
Rapmaster Gene.

Can we shut
this station off now,
please?

"I used to be a Hebrew,
now I'm a Christian,"
he says!

Jesus Christ!

ROB: God has
forgiven you.

PHIL: Oh, oh, baby! GENE: Hey, there!

Oh, jeez.

ROB: Really cute.
Really cute.

Hey, what's with them?

ROB: Looked really cute.

[REVVING ENGINE]

Phil. Hey, Phil.

Phil, slow down.

ROB: Phil. GENE: Phil!

ROB: Hey! GENE: Phil, stop!

Phil, slow down! Cut it out!

Phil! Hey!

Phil! Phil! Stop!

Phil, what are you
trying to prove?

That this thing goes
beyond the numbers
on the speedometer.

Are you...
Are you crazy?

Probably.

GENE: Oh, shit.
Phil! Hey!

Whoa.

[ALL SCREAMING]

Whoa! Shit! Shit!

Whoa.

Whoa! Look out!

[PHIL SCREAMING]

Christ! What the hell
was that?

Did you see that?

God, those sons
of bitches!

Guys, I am really,
really sorry.

I mean, I've just...
I've never gone
that fast before.

I can't believe
they did that!

PHIL: I'm starving. GENE: Yeah, me, too.

ROB: Near-collisions
always boost my appetite.

PHIL: Where are we?

GENE: Somewhere we'll
never be again.

Hey, take a look at this.

Rob, it's your buddy.

This place
looks cool.

Too bad I can only
see half of it.

I hope you guys
are buying.

I seem to have
misplaced my wallet.

PHIL: [EXHALING]
I think I can "bear" it.

[LAUGHING]

Okay, that's it.
No more religious jokes,
no more bear jokes,

for the rest of the trip.
I've had it.

Hiya, dolls.
I'm Mary.
I'm your waitress.

I'm, uh, Phil Stepler.

Hi. Rob Konigsberg
and Gene Michaels.

We'll be your
customers.

Well, now that we've
established the roles
that we'll be playing,

why don't we get
to the meal portion
of our lunch?

Yeah, uh, do you have
any meatloaf?

Awful. Worst thing
on the menu.

GENE: How about the chicken?

Second worst thing
on the menu.

As a matter of fact,
all the food here is...

If the chef
hears me say this,

he's probably gonna
throw a knife at me
or something.

He's a little edgy.

Well, is there anything
that you could recommend?

Raisin toast.Mmm.

Bring me some of that then. ROB: Yes, bring me some,
too, please.

Anything else?

Yes. A breath
of your perfume.

You see, the truth is,
I'm deeply intoxicated
with you

and I'm desperately
trying to make you
fall in love with me.

Love doesn't
come out of desperation.

Besides,

I'm already in love with
your quiet friend here.

[KISSES EMPHATICALLY]

PHIL: Whoa, Rob.

Two for two
in two days,
very nice.

My God. That woman
is amazing.

Did you guys
get a look at her?

There's a lot of
mileage there, boys.

Very low Blue Book.

GENE: Is that all
you think women are for,
just for sex?

"Fucking," Rob.
You're 22, you can
say "fucking."

Shh, shh, shh.

MARY:
Here's your relish tray.
It's complimentary.

For a reason.

Nice eye. Want me to
draw you a mouth?

Oh, you have
a sense of humor.

[MARY CHUCKLES]

Mary, do you know,

is there a good motel
somewhere close by?

Yeah, there's a real cute
little place down the road
about a mile.

If you wanna hang around
for a while I get off
in about six hours.

I think we can find it.

ROB: That's nice,
because we're gonna be

sticking around here
for a couple of days.

We're probably
gonna stick around
for maybe a week.

Are you kidding? Here?

Do you know
where you are?

I tell you what,
you look like
real nice boys to me,

how about I give you
my phone number?

We are.
We're nice boys.

PHIL: We're extremely
nice boys.

We only kill people for fun.
But it's in a nice way.

This one has
a nasty streak.

Deal with your past.
You'll feel better.

Please.

What are you doing?

My clothes were dirty.

He's getting worse.

What are you
talking about?

Look at him, Gene.
Just look at him.
That's what I'm talking about.

You're not
a doctor yet.

You don't know anything.

I know what I see.

You don't know jack shit.

Yeah.

Well, fuck you, too.

Oh, Rob,
the "F" word?

What's your father
gonna say?

Gene, for cryin' out loud.
Phil is dying.

Shut up. He is dying.

Shut the hell up!

Rob, come on.
I didn't mean that.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[ROB PLAYING PIANO]

MARY: Oh, I just love
a man who can
make music like that.

[CLEARS THROAT] It makes me quiver
in all my quivery places.

We used to, um,
have a singing group
in high school,

and I was kind
of like Ringo,

but they were
like Paul and John.

They really wrote
some incredible stuff.

What happened?

That's a good question.

♪ There are two things

♪ I can't stand

♪ And one of them
is your mom

♪ What is just as bad
is your dad

♪ Why did we have to come?

[HUMMING]

BOTH: ♪ This is the '90s

♪ It should be understood
that we sleep together

♪ We've been together
a month now

♪ Why are they so uptight?

♪ When they invited us
to dinner

♪ I didn't know
it meant spend the night... ♪ MARY: I know.

You mean what's
a nice girl like me

doin' in a dumpy place
like this?

Or what's a dumpy
girl like you

doing in a nice
place like this?

You see, I've been
working my way west
for the past 10 years,

but there are
so many places that need
artistic improvement,

it has really
slowed me down.

Artistic improvement?

Yeah, I'm a painter.
I work big.

I see ugliness someplace,
I want to cover it up.

You know, I, like, have to.

Wait, hold it.

You didn't paint
that big building
out the there, did you?

Yeah. Do you like it?

It's amazing.

Hey, listen,
will you do me
a big favor?

When you get out there
to California,

would you send me
a postcard from Hollywood?

Yeah. I think
we could do that.

Thanks.

[FORK DROPS]

Hey, Mary.
I don't even know
what your last name is.

It's Klinglitch.
With a "K."

Klinglitch? Klinglitch?

We're out of here.

Oh, God!

I, uh, forgot
to leave the tip.

The tip.
I left the tip.

What's he see
in her, man?

I think it's her good looks
that wore him down,

but it's the "Klinglitch"
that killed him.

Hiya, dolls!

Hi. Hi.

PHIL: Mary Albert
Klinglitch?

MARY: Yeah,
it's pretty bad,
isn't it?

You see,
when my mom was pregnant,

she was convinced
I was twins, you know,
a boy and a girl,

so she picked out the names
Mary and Albert,

but I was the only one
who showed up.

Right.

Any brothers
or sisters?

Yeah, eleven
older brothers.

Mom called it quits
after me.

Two little, too late.

Ooh! I'm up for stopping
for a brew.
Anybody else?

No, no,
I'm definitely ready.

ROB: I'm always thirsty. MARY: I got my
drinking shoes on.

PHIL: Okay. That's it then.
Hang a Ringo.GENE: Let's go!

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Well, it's Saturday evenin'
and I'm feelin' kind of tight

♪ I'm in need of
some partyin' tonight

I'm surprisingly not
that thirsty anymore.

In fact, I think
I have an excess
of bodily liquids.

Phil, let's get
out of here.

No, no, no, no.
This is very nice.

Barkeep, could I please
have some beers
for my friends?

And I will have
a Long Island Iced Tea.

We only got beer.

Very well then,
if that's all you got,
I'll make mine a beer.

Well, now that
that's that,
why don't you suppose

we take our refreshments
and drink them
out in the van?

♪ Stereo's blastin'
and I'm singin' like a fool

♪ We're gonna party...

A toast to
the Hell Hole,

the most appropriately-named
place in the United States.

BOTH: To the Hell Hole.

Oh, boy. What?

Hey.

Hey, those are the same
assholes that ran us off
the road.

You know, buddy,
it's probably not them.

No, no, no, no.
No, that's them.

I'm just gonna go over
and say "hello."

Phil, just forget about it.

No, no.
Don't worry about it.

Hello.

My name is
Phillip W. Stepler.

I believe we've run into
each other before,
on the road of life.

Literally.

I was just
wondering

if you know
how fucking
irresponsible it is

to run people off of
the fucking road?

You hear
what I'm saying,
you fuck?

You stick me one more time,
dickhead, and you're gonna
eat that finger.

Something tells me
we're never gonna make it
to California.

Listen,
you don't wanna
fuck with me,

'cause I'm fucking
[BLOWING RASPBERRY]
I'm looney.

I'll reach down your throat
and rip your neck out
through your mouth!

Do you hear what I'm saying?
You think you're tough?
Do you wanna see tough?

I'll show you tough.

We're dead.

He is unreal.

There, huh?

I just gave your bitch
a tonsillectomy.

What do you think
of that? Huh?

That's my bitch.

Whosever.

Oh, beautiful.
Everybody wants
a piece of me?

I don't give a shit,
'cause I'm gonna die anyway.

So I might as well take
as many of you fuckers
with me as I can.

[ALL EXCLAIMING]

Ha! Ha!

I warned you
not to fuck with me.

MAN 1: Oh, shit!

MAN 2: Crazy...

Me and my associates,

hi, are leaving now.

But we will be back.
Maybe not today,
maybe not tomorrow.

Maybe in your
worst nightmares,
we'll be there.

Give me a six-pack
to go. Chop-chop.
Ring-ring.

Well, we lived.

[LAUGHING]

GENE: You are
radically insane.

How did you get
that fire to come out
of your mouth?

What an incredible
feeling of power!

Does anybody have
any Binaca? Okay.

Drive. All right.

GENE: Here's
an appropriate category.

"Songwriters."

He wrote Be My Baby.

Who is Phil Spector?

He wrote Swanee River.

Who was Stephen Foster?

Oh, man, you've always been
a what-do-you-call-it
of useless information.

Font. Right.

Do you remember
that episode of
The Honeymooners

where Ralph goes
on the game show?

Yeah, I think I saw that.

Yeah, and he practices
before the show

by having Ed drill him
on the piano,

and Ed can't play anything

without playing a few bars
of Swanee Riverfirst?

And when Ralph
goes on the show

and they ask him
who wrote Swanee River...

And he said, "Ed Norton."

Right, I saw that.

Don't worry, Phil.

That's not gonna
happen to you, man.
You know everything.

Yeah. Except

why this is happening to me.

I mean, that's why I want
to be on Jeopardy,

because they give you
all the answers,

and all you gotta do
is come up with
the right questions.

So...

MARY: I thought
I'd sleep in the van.

Mary, I would really like...

I would love to
be with you tonight.

But I have to
stay with Phil.

Why are all
the good men
married or gay?

No. No, it's not that.

[SIGHING]

Yeah?

Then what?

Phil and I have
been buddies since
we were little kids,

we grew up together.

He's my best friend.

So?

So...

He's dying.

GENE: Hey, hey.

When she gets through
with this, she's gonna
batter your corndog.

Lick?

You're such
a booger.

Why do men always
use women as a male
bonding experience?

What do you know
about men?

Enough to know
a man who hates women
when I see one.

Yeah? Well, maybe
I just hate you, doll.

PHIL: Hey, hey, Gene.

Look, man,
I can't take this...

Would somebody please
tell me what we're
doing with her?

ROB: I invited her.

Well, this if for Phil,
and Phil no longer
wants her with us.

I don't mind
that she's here.

She's a pain
in the ass, Phil.

She shouldn't
be sharing this with us!

Why are you
talking about me
like I don't exist?

You don't.

Don't you ever
take time out from
being a jackass?

Look, shut up. PHIL: Guys, seriously,
stop this. Come on.

ROB: What is it
with you, Gene?

Are you pissed
because you haven't
slept with her yet?

Hmm?PHIL: Rob...

Are you kidding me? I wouldn't
touch her if it'd save
one of Jerry's Kids.

Really? I mean,
you know that
I like her,

so why don't you just
sleep with her?

Oh, man, I don't want
to hear this anymore.
Don't give me this...

It never seemed
to bother you
with Stephanie.

It just seems to me
that everyone I like,

you sleep with.

No, man, I did you
a favor with her!

Oh, come on.PHIL: Hey.

What if you married
that chick and then you
found out about her?

You self-justifying bastard.
Do you have a clue as to
how big an asshole you are?

I'm an asshole? You are an asshole.

I'm a butt-head? You are a big asshole, Gene.

Give me a break, Rob!
What do you want from me?

God damn it, guys!

Can't you just
forget about
all that shit?

Please!

I mean, it just
doesn't matter!

I mean, you were
such great friends,

and now I am the one
who has to put up

with all of this bullshit,
and I hate it!

I hate it. I'm out of here,
you guys do what you want.

[VAN STARTS]

[SNORING]

[SCREAMING]

[SURF CITYPLAYING]

♪ They say they never
roll the streets up

♪ 'Cause there's always
something goin'

♪ Surf City,
here we come

♪ You know they're either
out surfin' or they got
a party goin'

♪ Surf City,
here we come Hey, dude.

♪ There's two swingin' honeys
for every guy

♪ And all you gotta do
is just wink your eye

♪ I'm goin' to Surf City,
gonna have some fun

[ALL HARMONIZING
WITH SURF CITYSONG]

Excellent, bra!

♪ I'm goin' to Surf City
'cause it's two-to-one

♪ Two girls for every boy

♪ I'm goin' to Surf City
'cause it's two-to-one... ♪

[CHUCKLING]

GENE: It's to someone.
You give it to somebody.

ROB: It is oral sex
with someone. It is like
having sex with someone.

Only you put "to" in front
of it, you put "oral"
in front of it. It's not "to."

It's with. GENE: It's not!

ROB: It is oral sex
with someone!

GENE: It's not! Shut up.
Screwing is something
you do together.

Oral sex is one person
doing it to another,
not with.

"To" is grammatically
incorrect.

Well, that only matters
if you're bangin'
your English teacher,

which I've done
on occasion.

Oh, this is moronic.

Are we going
to a funeral?

GENE: Are you sure
you want to do this?

PHIL: I just want
to see what it's like.

[PRIEST SPEAKING SPANISH]

[CRYING]

PHIL: I want you guys
to promise me something.

No matter what,
you'll have fun at mine.

Yeah, no problem,
man.

We'll all get together
and stand around your grave

and spit fire on it.

Gene. I'm serious, man.

I mean, I want people
to have a blast, you know?

Like I did.
You promise?

No mourning.

Come on, I just need
to hear it. Rob?

Yeah. Yeah, okay,
whatever you want, Phil.

Gene?

Why are we talking
about this?

[GRUNTS]

ROB: What
are you doing?

Now he's talking
about his funeral!

He doesn't want to live,
he wants to die!

Gene! Gene!
Phil is gonna hear you.

[GRUNTS]

[CURSING]

Gene, Phil is gonna
hear you.

God!

I don't know
how much more of
this shit I can take!

♪ If you don't
know me by now

♪ You will never, never,
never know me

ROB: She's really
fantastic.

PHIL: She reminds me
of Jennifer.

Yeah?

Who's Jennifer?

My fiancee.

Oh.

Phil...

There was no fiancee.

There is no Jennifer.

Well, there is now.

♪ When I come home
a little late at night

♪ 'Cause we're only acting
like children

♪ When we argue,
fuss and fight

♪ If you don't
know me by now

Hey.

Hi.

Have you ever noticed
how much better

your legs look
under water?

Mary.

What?

Can I ask you
a question?

You can ask me anything.

Let me have your hand.

Come under water
with me.

I like this.

♪ If you don't
know me by now

♪ You will never, never,
never know me ♪

Yes!

I'd love to!

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

PHIL: Hey.

How are you?

Where have you been?

I've been shopping.
What do you think?

Gross.

Yeah. Good.

'Cause I got you guys
the same grossness.

Now, close your eyes
for me, okay?

Close my eyes? Close your eyes.

Look what Philly got.

Oh, no. I've been
looking for these
all morning.

Where did you
get this done?

Well, this city's
crawling with losers
and optometrists.

Hey, listen.

I know it's probably
a little late to ask,

but how would you
like to be my best man?

What, are you
kidding me? No.

What about Rob?

He's gonna
give the bride away.

Well, are you sure?

Yeah. Don't you
want to be my best man?

No, I do.
I want to be
your best man.

As a matter of fact,
you have made
a very wise selection.

Great. Get out of the tub.
You're gonna look
like a prune.

[ORGAN PLAYING]

Okay. You just gotta
hold that button there.

Are you ready? Yeah.

Wonderful.

Okay.

[ROB PLAYS
HERE COMES THE BRIDE]

[WHISPERING] Rob.

[WHISPERING LOUDER] Rob!

Don't step
on the dress.

MINISTER:
The groom will take
the bride's hand.

Do you, Phillip William,
promise to take Mary Albert

as your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

Do you, Mary Albert,

promise to take
Phillip William as your
lawfully wedded husband?

Yes, I do.

All right.
Who has the ring?

I do.

[GIGGLING]

[CAMCORDER BEEPING]

MINISTER: Phillip,
place the ring on
Mary's left hand.

[SNICKERS]

It's water retention.
I'm gonna have my period.

Swell. Here.

[CLANKING]

Did you win? No.

No?

I'm so happy
to be your wife.

They say the fifth time's
the charm.

You've been married
four times before this?

Yes. But you're
my first mature choice.

Well, I won't ask you
about any of 'em.

Good. Don't.

So, what do you say

we go up to
the room

and make a baby?

And what?

If you want me to,
I'll have our baby.

Mary.What?

I would never
do that to you.

But I would be
so honored to
have a little Phil.

Listen, I didn't marry you
to have sex with you,

I just... I married you
just to marry you,
you know,

just to get that done.

You don't even want
to sleep with me?

Rob really wants
to sleep with you.

He adores you.

You are the most
excellent friend.

I'm so lucky
to be your wife.

Oh...

I can't believe
I'm standing here

with my wife. Yup.

So how are you and
the current Mrs. Stepler
doing?

We've got a few problems,

but it's nothing that
we can't work out.

Good.

Hey, Rob.
Come here. Yes, ma'am.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Oh, guys.
Guys, guys, guys.

MAN: What the...

Hi.

I guess you're wondering
what's going on here.

Well, yeah.

Well, you see,
he's my husband,

and this is my lover,

and this one here

is the next in line.

Wow.

[EXHALES]

Bye.

[HURT SO BADPLAYING]

I got you guys
a little wedding present.

There's $12,000
in nickels.

Buy yourself
a little something.

A food processor,
a pasta machine.

Take a cruise.
Just enjoy yourselves.

PHIL: No, really,
I'm fine.

No, I'm not
pushing myself.

I really just
wanted to say

how happy I was
that you and Dad
got together.

Yeah.

You always said
I was a sentimental slob.

Okay. You, too.
Talk to you soon.

Ow!

[GROANING]

♪ So bad

♪ So bad

♪ You feel

♪ So bad

[EXCLAIMING] Ow.

Are you pissed?

GENE: No,
I'm not pissed.

No?

You almost
stuck that thing
through my arm.

I'm sorry.
It was an accident.

No, it wasn't.

What do you want
from me, Phil?
I'm not pissed at you.

Okay, fine.

How'd you bruise your hand?

Fuck you, okay.

Fuck me.

If you're angry at me,
it's okay to be angry at me.

I mean, I'm not
going to die if you've
got something to say.

Okay.

I'm angry with you.

I'm furious with you.

You know, you're
an asshole for
doing this to me.

That's all
I can think about,
Phil, is how...

That you're doing
this to me.

You know, I don't know
what happens after California.

I mean,
I don't know what happens...

I don't know what happens
the next time I wake up
and you don't.

So, I'm really scared, Phil.

And I don't
want you to die.

Oh, Jesus.

How do you feel?

I feel a little better.

How about you?

[SIGHING]
I feel better.

That's good,
because, um,
I was lying.

I feel a little worse.

Not as bad as me, man.

♪ So bad

♪ You feel

♪ So bad

[COINS CLATTERING]

ROB: You know that

you are just about
the hottest thing
on two legs.

Put your tongue
in my mouth.

Why should I?

Because...

It's my wedding night.

Well, okay, then.
Here it comes.

Mmm! Mmm!

ROB: Ow!

I just bit my tongue.

That was my tongue.

No shit! That was
your tongue? I'm sorry.

What is that?

That?

That is nothing.

That is just my keys.

MARY: Doesn't feel
like keys.

Oh, well, it is.
They are.

Oh, you gotta
trust me on this one.

I happen to have
a key chain down there.
I have a big one.

It's got my name on it.
"Robert G. Konigsberg,

[ZIPPER UNZIPPING]

"esquire."

Make love to me.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, I want you.

Oh, I want you, too,
but we can't do it in here.

I know you're
as hot for me
as I am for you.

[PANTING]

MARY: Put your hand
right here...

Mary. Mary...[MARY GROANING]

Mary.

What!

Phil and Gene
are right over there
in the bed,

and, I mean,
this could be
very embarrassing.

They're asleep.

What if they wake up?

They won't.

I just wish we could
go somewhere
a little more private,

like maybe
the blackjack table
downstairs.

[MUFFLED LAUGHTER]

Did you hear that? No.

They're up.
They're up right now. What?

And they're
laughing at me.

God, this is embarrassing.

Listen.

Gene?

Shh.

Phil? Shh!

[MARY MOANING]

[BOTH KISSING]

MARY: Oh!

MARY: [WHISPERING]
Most men think I have
a fantastic body.

What do you think?

Mmm...

Boy, oh, boy...

[MARY MOANING]

[PLAYING PIANO]

Nice.

Well, thank you.

So, did you guys
have a good time
last night?

Did we wake you?

Are you kidding me?
I slept like a rock.

Woke up this morning
inspired.

Lyrics.

I...

I can't believe you!

No, no, no, I can't
believe you. You're crazy!
You're a madman!

Okay, all right.

As much as I hate you,
I think I can work with that.

You can whip me up
a little something here,
maestro?

I'll try and whip you
up something.

Okay.

[CLEARING THROAT]
Okay. Okay.

You asshole.

♪ Boy, oh, boy

♪ Don't you know
how much I care?

♪ Boy, oh, boy

♪ I will always
be there

♪ Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy

♪ I love you

Care to join me?

[HARMONIZING]
♪ Boy, oh, boy

♪ I can never let you go

♪ Boy, oh, boy

♪ So I want you to know

♪ Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy

♪ I love you

Okay, okay,
bring it home, Gene.

♪ Late at night

GENE: ♪ I lie awake
and wonder if
you care for me

ROB: ♪ If you
care for me

♪ It's not right

♪ That I should
worry over you

♪ While you're
so carefree

♪ Please, please,
let me be

♪ Your boy, oh, boy

♪ Don't you know
how much I care

♪ Boy, oh, boy

♪ I will always be there

♪ Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy

♪ I love you

♪ Hmm

[PHIL WHIMPERING]

[RECORDED MESSAGE
PLAYING ON PHONE]

[BEEPING]

Phil? Get out of here.

Phil, is it all right
if I come in?

Leave me alone.
Leave me alone.

Hey, what's the matter,
Phil?

Get out of here. Shh.

Hey, hey, hey...

Oh. My God,
it's okay. I couldn't get up.

Shh. Shh. Come on.

Don't cry. Shh.
It's okay.

Come on, let's go.

Put your arm
around my neck.

Come on.

Now, pissing on yourself
really sucks.

Believe me,
I've had the experience.

You slept over
that night.

[WATER RUNNING]

[BOTH SNIFFLING]

Hey. Hey.

I want you to
tell me a joke.

Huh?

I want you to
tell me a joke.

One that you know.

Why?

Uh,

"green balls."

Tell me
"green balls."

You know
"green balls" already.

I know, just...

Okay.

Um...

What do you have

when you have two
little green balls
in your hand?

I don't know.

Kermit's undivided attention.

That's a good one.
That's a good one.

I like that.
That's funny.

I feel weird, Phil.

Hey, I don't want
to die thinking that

the last thing
we said to each other
was about death.

No. No, you're not dying.

Now you gotta tell me
another joke.

All right.

[SNIFFLES]

How ya doin'
back there, Philly?

Terrific.

Couple of more hours, Phil,

you'll be
dippin' your tootsies
in the Pacific Ocean.

[DOOR OPENS]

GENE: You guys
ready out there?

I hope you're
sittin' down for this,
'cause here we come.

Cowabunga! Cowabunga!

[LAUGHS]

Are we ready for
the surf, or what? Or what?

Get a load
of this shirt, huh?

God's sake!

And they looked
so good in the suitcase.

All right, Phil,
put yours on

so Mary can get
the three of us
tourists on tape.

Yeah.

I'm, uh...

I'm gonna have to
catch a nap first.

Why don't you guys
head on down to the beach

and grab us
a good spot.

You sure?

Mary will help me
get dressed,

then I'll take my nap,

and we'll be hangin' ten
by 3:00.

Okay.

But get a real
good rest, because

you're gonna be
the all-time Jeopardychamp
after tomorrow's taping.

Have fun, guys.

So, we'll see you later?

Yeah.

I'll see you later.

[GROANING]

Help me with my shirt.

Your hand is so warm.

Everything's so different.

I mean...

It's so...

[CRYING]

I mean, this isn't the way
that I thought it would...

I mean, I...
I should...

I should feel something.

I should know something...

Different.

Rob and Gene,
they were so excited.

MARY: It was good
you sent them out.

You can go to sleep now.

Everything is
taken care of.

Rob and Gene...

Your problem now.

It's... Uh... Uh...

Hmm?

[STRUGGLING TO TALK]

What?

[WHISPERING FAINTLY]
You are so pretty.

[CAN MOOS]

[MOOING STOPS]

FEMALE MINISTER:
Another sun has set,

releasing the brilliance
of the afterglow.

Another leaf has fallen,
but the forest is not sad.

Another fruit is ripened,

but the tree of life
is still vital.

Another page has been written,
but the book isn't ended.

The glow of the sunset,
the color of the leaf,

the fragrance of the fruit,

the inspiration
of the thought,

joined in celestial
harmony of God.

There are many pathways
to the top of the hill,

but the view
is still the same.

Hiya, dolls.

Listen, it is
much too nice a day
to be inside.

[WOMAN MURMURING]
What's going on? Come on.

WOMAN: Shh!

FEMALE MINISTER:
The essence of Phil
lives on.

It's okay,
I'm married...

Phil's widow.

FEMALE MINISTER: This is
the meaning of one God,
one life and one spirit.

Death is not
the end of something,

it's the beginning
of something.
A new expression of life.

ROB: Okay, come on.

I gotta go.

Where are we going? To Phil's funeral.

We were just at
Phil's funeral.

What, are you insane?

When are you gonna
get out of our lives?

[LOUD WHISPER]
Just get in the car!

Mary, Mary, you can't
take the guy's limo.

Get in the car!

What, are you going? Oh, shit.

You're gonna go?

ROB: Get in!

Mary, where are
we going? Inside.

Party hat?

Hi, there,
wouldn't you like
a hat?

We're having
a little celebration.

Hat?

Hi, there. We're having
a little celebration,
me and my friends.

Wouldn't you like a hat?
You can have one, too. A hat?

Yes, hats.

GENE: Mary,
what are you doing? MARY: Okay, come here.

Here's one for you...
Mmm-hmm.

And a hat for you.

Oh, yes.
Phil would like this.

Phil would think
we look like idiots.

Yes, but he
would like it.

All right,
crack that open.

Oh, yeah.

Now we're ready.

For what?

I found this in
the bottom of my suitcase.

Party favors...

PHIL: Hi, guys, Mary.

[SIGHS] It's me,

in case you couldn't
recognize me in this shirt.

Now, I know
you can't see me
from the waist down,

so I'll tell you
that[WHISPERING]
I'm not wearing any pants.

[LAUGHING QUIETLY]

Houdini always told
his wife that if
it was possible

to contact her
from the afterlife,

that he would.

But I've got one distinct
advantage over him,

I have the magic
of videotape.

So let's hope that this is
the first of many tapes

that I'll be sending to you.

Shit.

We had some good times.

I mean,
even the bad times
were great.

Probably the worst part
about me not being here

is that you guys
have to carry me
around inside of you

for the rest
of your lives.

And if you hate me
for quitting on you,

I understand,
I really do.

I only hope that it's
a long, healthy hate,

and that you guys share it.

Oh, and, Gene,
for your information,

it's oral sex
with someone.

[LAUGHING]

Just thought you
ought to know.

Uh...

One more song
before I go.

♪ I don't like you

♪ But I love you

♪ It seems that I'm always

♪ Thinkin' of you

♪ You really...

Come on,
I can't hear you.

♪ Really got a hold on me

♪ You really got
a hold on me

♪ Baby, I love you

♪ And all I want you to do

♪ Is just hold me ♪ Squeeze

♪ Hold me ♪ Squeeze

♪ Hold me

♪ Hold me

♪ You really got
a hold...

[GENE AND ROB
HARMONIZE]

♪ You really got
a hold on me

♪ You really got
a hold on me

♪ You really got
a hold on me

♪ You really got
a hold on me

♪ Baby

♪ I don't want you

♪ But I need you

♪ I don't want to kiss you

♪ But I need to

♪ You treat me badly

♪ I love you madly

♪ You really got
a hold on me

♪ You really got
a hold on me

♪ You really got
a hold on me

♪ You really got
a hold

♪ Baby

♪ I love you

♪ And all I want
you to do is just

♪ Hold me ♪ Squeeze

♪ Hold me ♪ Squeeze

♪ Hold me

♪ Hold me...

♪ You really got a...

♪ Hold ♪ Hold

♪ Hold

[I CAN'T GET YOU OUT
OF MY MINDPLAYING]

♪ Some of those
other girls
sure look good

♪ I'd move in closer
if I only could

♪ But there's a wall
that I just can't climb

♪ 'Cause I can't get you
out of my mind

♪ Out on the town
with my best friends

♪ Usin' it up
like it just won't end

♪ It doesn't matter
how hard I try

♪ 'Cause I can't
get you out of my

♪ Can't get you out of my

♪ Can't get you
out of my mind

♪ Yeah

♪ I wish you
would call me

♪ I need to hear
your voice all night

♪ Call me

♪ I can't wait
another night, no

♪ Call me

♪ I just wanna
make you mine

♪ I just wanna
make you mine

♪ I just wanna
make you mine

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ I ask myself
what I should do

♪ Find a cure before
I think about you

♪ But there's an answer
that I just can't find

♪ 'Cause I can't
get you out of my

♪ Can't get you out of my

♪ Can't get you out of my mind

♪ Yeah!

♪ Can't get you out

♪ I wish you
would you call me

♪ I need to hear
your voice all night

♪ Call me

♪ I can't wait
another night, no

♪ Call me

♪ I just wanna
make you mine

♪ I just wanna
make you mine

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ I just wanna
make you mine

♪ Call on me

♪ Don't give up
No, don't give up

♪ Call on

♪ I just want
to let you know

♪ Ask my friends
what I should do

♪ To find a cure
for thinkin' about you

♪ But there's an answer
I just can't find

♪ Cause I can't
get you out of my

♪ Can't get you out of my

♪ Can't get you
out of my mind

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ Call on me

♪ Don't give up
No, don't give up

♪ Call on

♪ I just wanna let you know

♪ Ask my friends
what I should do

♪ To find a cure
for thinkin' about you

♪ But there's an answer
I just can't find

♪ 'Cause I can't
get you out of my

♪ Can't get you out of my

♪ Can't get you
out of my mind

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ Can't get you
out of my mind ♪