Breaking Wind (2012) - full transcript
A comedic spoof based on the worldwide phenomenon, The Twilight Saga.
Who's there?!
My tooth! Aa-hh!
What the fuck?
Ow!
What the fuck?
Oh, Jesus Christ! That is so vile.
Ugh.
I'm sorry!
I'm so sorry!
"Some say the earth
will end in fire.
Others, in ice.
From what I've tasted
of desire,
i hold with those
who favor fire..."
"Some women prefer white men,
others prefer Asian.
I, however, prefer
the underage, dark-skinned boys
who play basketball
and listen to Chris brown."
- Excuse me?
- I didn't say anything.
Marry me.
Change me.
Marry me.
No, seriously, change me.
I think I just soiled my pants.
Do you want the bears
or the bunnies?
Uh, bunnies are good.
- Ahem--
- grandma?
Wow, what are you doing here?
Grandma, I want you to
meet my boyfriend Edward.
- Oh, hello.
- Hi.
Oh...
Yes.
Hello, grandma.
Ah-hh.
Oh-hh!
No teeth.
- Oh God.
- Ah, yeah.
- Ah, yeah.
- No.
Hey, sweetheart.
Looks like somebody got in
a little late last night.
Actually, I got in
at exactly 8:00.
So, what, Edward's trying
to brown-nose me now?
- What?
- Got a surprise for you, sweetheart.
Look who's gonna be staying
with us for a few weeks.
- Grandma?
- Yeah.
Yeah, grandma thought she'd
come out and see you graduate.
- Oh no.
- Oh hey, bell.
Who's your vampire, huh?
Yeah!
Hey.
Good morning, sweetheart.
Ooh, looks like somebody got
in a little late last night.
Actually, dad, I got in
exactly at 8:00.
So, what, Edward's trying
to brown-nose me now?
You know, dad?
Let's just move on.
Look, uh,
you know why
I grounded you, right?
Because I suggested the features that
made Facebook as lame as MySpace?
- What?
- Because I've been asleep for three movies?
- What?
- Or was it because I accidentally trapped
those 33 Chileans in a mine
for over a month?
No no. It's because I wanted
separation between you and Edward.
Dad, there's nothing
you can say.
- Edward's in my life.
- Hello.
Yeah, I gathered that.
All right, look,
I'll make you a deal.
You're not grounded anymore
if you use some
of your newfound freedom
to spend some time
with your other friends too.
Like Jacob.
Honey, he's going through
a real rough time now.
His dad's worried about him.
I remember when that was you.
You needed a friend,
Jake was there.
Not to mention
that they're turning
that Indian reservation
into a casino.
Honey, you could marry
into a ton of cash.
Then you could finally buy your
old man three taiwanese hookers.
- What?
- Two taiwanese hookers?
- Ugh.
- I'm good with one. Not selfish.
Welcome to the official
Jacob fan club hotline!
Unfortunately,
due to heavy call volume,
the hold time
is exceptionally long.
But if you leave
your name after the beep,
we'll be sure
to get back to you!
Jacob hadn't talked
to me in weeks.
I wanted to fix it, but...
He just wouldn't
give me a chance.
♪ I'm fallin' so fast ♪
♪ you are where I wanna be ♪
♪ slow down and wait for ♪
♪ you to take this earth
from me ♪
♪ these wounds are deep and
my lungs are filling up... ♪
Going to the reservation?
What?
No. I am going to the--
the cheese store.
There-- they-- they
have this new camembert
that's supposed
to be--
that's some sexy cheese.
Yep.
Edward's been having a tough
time trusting me as of late,
and I wasn't exactly sure why.
Maybe it was because he saw me
take a 20 out of his wallet.
Or maybe it was because
he caught me
giving oral
at the dancing bear party.
I don't know.
I just don't get it.
♪ Waiting for you to speak ♪
♪ I feel-- ♪
You mind?
So we spotted Bella
and Edward together again.
And according to them, they
swear they're not an item.
Whatevs. He's so dropping
his nuts in her mouth.
As opposed to dropping them
on her chest.
Well, wouldn't that
make them "chestnuts"?
Sorry, Harry, blond dude's
nuts joke was better!
Hey, so what's the deal guys?
You together or what?
Come on, you got die-hard fans.
They wanna know what's going on.
Bella, is Edward well-hung
or does he have a tiny penis?
That is wildly inappropriate.
Well what about Bella, Edward?
Does she have a large vagina?
Whoa, that too is
incredibly inappropriate.
It's huge.
T-shirts!
Get your t-shirts right here.
Join team Edward today.
We got 25% off
for all new members.
There you go, sweetheart.
We got buttons.
We got pins.
We got notebooks.
We got underwear.
We got socks, t-shirts, sneakers,
we got whatever you want.
All right, here we go.
I've decided to throw a party.
After all, how many times do we
get to graduate high school?
Hmm.
Another party, Alice?
It'll be fun. We'll have a
chalupa truck, a petting zoo...
And we'll drink some blood.
- What?
- Huh?
Oh, look who's in town.
There's no one there.
Look again.
Aw-ww, who are they?
The little cullens.
They're little versions of us.
They swoop into towns
after we've left them behind
and pick up all
the emotionally-wounded scraps.
Don't look now, bell, but little
Edward is totally eyeing you.
- Little Edward.
- Edward.
We have a pact,
you little putz.
You're not supposed to be
within 100 Miles of me.
I'm well aware of that,
but I don't give a crap.
I'm hot for Bella.
She's one hot piece of ass.
See?
You're just jealous
'cause Bella wants me.
- Little Jasper.
- Jasper.
You never answered
any of my calls.
- I miss you.
- You were stalking me.
- I miss your scent. I miss your forehead.
- I miss everything.
Edward seemed a little uneasy
about the arrival
of the little cullens.
From what I was told, they always
seem to put him in a weird place.
He just wasn't acting
like himself.
It was making me nervous.
But nothing outweighed
the disdain he had for Jacob.
Don't let him touch you.
I measured it off
at 6 3/4" this morning.
- What?
- Huh?
Where have you been?
Hanging out at home.
While you were hanging out at home,
the guys spotted your ginger.
Victoria.
Alice's vision.
- I was trying to protect you.
- By lying to me?
See, that's what you get
with these vampires.
With me, you get so much more.
You get honesty and 8 3/4".
I thought you said
you were 6 3/4".
I lied.
- I need to talk to him.
- I don't trust him.
Don't worry.
He's a great driver.
Okay.
Lose the grin, Jake. We're
just going for a ride.
Damn right we are.
Watch your leg.
Oh!
Hold on.
I got my pant leg caught.
Oh, there we go.
- You ready now?
- Yeah, yeah.
All right, here we go.
Ow!
- You okay?
- Yeah, hop off, hop off.
- Hey, can you help?
- Sorry.
Ah, rats.
I got the corn dog, so you're
good with this, right?
I knew it.
How was school today?
It hasn't started yet.
Oh, mother of pearl,
this is heavy.
Is this bike made of bricks?
Light a fire under your ass.
Let's move!
Okay.
That first mile,
there were a lot of snakes.
Like, I mean, an ungodly
amount of snakes.
I can't believe that. Just leave
that there if you want to.
Hey-- hey
hey hey hey.
Are you all right?
It's okay, she didn't mean it.
Be back to take care
of you later.
Hey, are you sure
it's cool that I'm here?
I mean, I'm not a werewolf.
You worry too much.
Of course.
Ah, look who's back.
What up, bell?
- Quiel, you too?
- Yup, finally made the pack.
No thanks.
I'm good.
Glad you're here, Bella.
Now we can finally get a break
- from Jacob constantly humping the pool heater.
- Not to mention the mattress.
- Don't forget the fresh cantaloupe.
- Oh, yeah.
It's his way of imprinting.
What? It just feels
really good, okay?
Yeah, it does, right?
So, what's this whole
"imprinting" thing?
Imprinting.
Uh...
Imprinting is when you see her.
And...
Just everything changes.
It's no longer gravity that's
keeping you on the planet.
It's simply her.
And nothing else matters.
Sounds like
you know the feeling.
Have you ever, um,
imprinted on anyone?
I imprinted on my face
first thing this morning.
Now look at this little guy
we've got here.
Jacob, Edward's going to
change me after graduation.
What?
- You knew this was coming.
- Not in a month or--
before you even lived.
Or I had the chance
to imprint over the great abs
you've got there.
My God! Would you
look at the ass
on that sweet bitch?!
I would tear that shit up
in two seconds.
Jacob, I know that this
hurts right now,
but in time,
you'll forget about me.
Jacob?
- Jake!
- I've got a six-pack.
I was just saying,
in time,
you'll forget about me.
Bella...
You really have no idea
how much you mean to me.
Ah!
Don't touch me.
I just imprinted in my pants.
Oh, Frank.
You know, Edward could
at least respect meal times.
- I was with Jake.
- Oh.
Dad, what is on your face?
What?
Hey, Gary Coleman's cock.
Hey.
Do you understand
how worried I've been?
I was perfectly safe.
I almost broke the treaty and had
to cancel my blow-dry appoint--
oh, God-- sorry, I know.
I smell like dog semen.
No, something's wrong.
Edward, what's wrong?
Someone's been in here...
And he hijacked
your "ebony thunder."
- Who was it? Someone we know?
- Just a stranger.
I didn't recognize his scent,
but it was intoxicating.
A nomad just passing through?
A passerby wouldn't have
left Bella's dad alive.
I wouldn't have.
The scent disappeared about five
Miles South of Bella's house.
It was very pungent.
I think he had
huevos rancheros.
- Someone's orchestrating this.
- Victoria?
I would have seen her decide.
Has to be the volturi.
I don't think
it's the volturi either.
I've been watching
James' decisions too.
So we keep looking.
We'll all take shifts
watching Bella at her house.
Another protection detail
for this little bitch?
- Rosalie.
- No, she's-- she's totally right.
You guys can't protect me, watch
my dad, follow the intruder,
stock up on glitter,
and keep yourselves fed.
I'm not gonna leave you
here unprotected.
Well, I won't let you starve.
And besides I won't
be unprotected.
Jacob and the wolves can help.
Abs!
You know what I'm thinking?
Oh, shit.
We've missed the first five
minutes of "ace of cakes."
- No!
- God damn it.
- I do love that guy.
- No! Season finale!
Sometimes I wish
I'd never moved to forks.
I've caused so much drama, I would have
been better off staying in Arizona.
But at the same time,
i was kind of a loser
in Arizona.
I ate lunch by myself,
stayed home on Saturday nights,
went to the homecoming dance
with chao-lin,
the blond Korean pool boy.
You know, on second thought, I guess
I really should have moved here.
This is the greatest thing
that has ever happened to me.
Well, besides
dry-humping chao-lin.
Is somebody eating
junior mints?
I totally smell junior mints.
I love junior mints.
Sometimes I'll eat like, 20 at
a time and then throw them up.
I'm bulimic and vegan.
Oh shit. There's an in-n-out.
I gotta run.
Well, whoever it was
forgot to flush the toilet.
That thing was huge,
but we picked up his scent.
It won't be hard to miss
next time we cross it.
We can handle it from here.
We don't need you to handle
anyone or anything.
- I'll handle your balls.
- All right, we're done here.
No, you're done here.
Or maybe it's
just the beginning.
Stop!
Stop it. Stop!
God, I am so tired of this.
You know what, from now on,
I'm Switzerland, okay?
By Switzerland,
you mean large vagina?
Edward hated the idea.
But it wasn't about
rivalry anymore.
It was about my safety
and Charlie's...
And the amazing package
the host had at c.P.K.
In the days that followed,
I got them both
to at least try
to work together.
Hah...
Damn you, Jacob the werewolf!
It wasn't exactly an easy
alliance, but it worked.
While Edward and his family
went out to hunt,
I'd spend time with Jacob.
Are you sure it's
okay that I'm here
seeing as I'm a
vampire girl and all?
Do I have perfectly
chiseled abs?
Besides, the tribal council
has something special
planned for you for tonight.
Jake! Jake!
The quileutes have always been a
small tribe from the beginning...
And we have always had
the magic in our blood.
We were great spirit warriors,
shape shifters.
We transformed
into powerful autobots
that fought the Decepticons
while our children
turned into smurfs
and we formed an alliance
with captain crunch
and fought the hamburglar.
We were unstoppable...
That is,
until they showed up.
Anyone in the mood
for a good salad tossing?
Our warriors' sharp teeth
finally tore it apart.
It tasted like chicken.
We completely
killed it--
the blockbuster franchise
and the amusement ride.
However, they lived in fear
that the cold man
was not alone.
And they were right.
There was a herd
of them--
all of them
different characters
played the exact same way.
Mmm. Smells like oak
with a hint of Berry.
Oop. That's two
for flinching.
Don't you know
you can't have tea
without the tea bag?
Here we go.
And the cold ones went insane.
They wiped out most of the tribe
before they could escape.
Our eldest chief, Marc Epstein,
was the only spirit warrior
left to save the tribe
after his son was killed.
Chief Epstein's second wife
saw that he would lose.
The second wife was
no match for the being,
with no special powers
but one--
courage.
The second wife's sacrifice
distracted the cold ones
long enough
for chief Epstein
to destroy it.
She saved the tribe.
It was a mitzvah.
Over time, our enemies
had disappeared.
But one remains--
the cold ones.
Our magic awakens
when they're near.
We sense it now.
We feel the threat
in our blood, our loins,
our cornholes.
Deep inside.
Kind of vibrating,
probing around, pure heaven.
Something terrible is coming.
We must be ready.
Ready to break wind
if we have to,
to get their attention
and defeat them.
Excuse me a minute.
Oh, he just sharted himself.
This is a great
new art piece, guys.
Oh, thanks, honey.
Actually, it's old.
Rosalie found it
in the basement this morning
and I just thought
it'd be fun to look at.
Nice find, Rosalie.
Yeah, the guy it was made after
was some African tribal leader.
Mom used to date him.
As you can see,
he was excessively endowed.
Well, not as big
as your father, honey.
Dad was just girthy, mom.
He's not as long as nimbat...
Oh, you see, Alice and I
used to share nimbat...
Actually,
mom stole him from me.
Now, don't be angry because
you're too tight to do anal.
Yeah, Alice, anal's cool.
Wait. Shh shh.
I wanna hear this.
Seattle is in a state of terror
as police are baffled
by the escalating murders,
disappearances, and how Brendan
Fraser keeps getting work...
- Aghh-- Brendan Fraser!
- It's getting worse.
We might have to do something.
It takes more than one of our
kind to report damages like that.
Quite a few more. They're
undisciplined, conspicuous,
and they all sag their pants
a little bit.
Newborns.
Aka "noobs."
Oh, like a level two orc
in "warcraft."
The first few months
after the change--
right, that's when we're
at our most uncontrollable.
We're vicious, bloodthirsty
and we have this weird
ocd thing
where we have to count
all the time.
"One testy-testy,
ha ha ha.
Two testy-testy,
ha ha ha.
Three testy-testy,
ha ha ha."
Nobody tell anyone
I have three testicles.
It's something
to look forward to--
the counting,
not the testicles.
- Right.
- I'm gonna go check the mail out front.
I just ordered
a new box of proactiv.
Now these nooblets
are untrained,
- but this isn't random.
- Someone's creating an army.
A vampire army?
No, the salvation army, bitch!
Jesus Christ! What do you think
we've been talking about?
You know, you really are an idiot.
I fucking hate you.
We're the only clan
closest to Seattle.
Regardless of why
they were created,
if we don't do something about
them, the volturi will.
I'm surprised they haven't
already done something.
Jesus Christ!
Don't you ever die, bitch?!
Ugh!
What the hell
are you doing, Rosalie?
I'm sorry. She's just
so effing annoying.
Why don't you just talk it out
with her, for Christ's sakes?
Are you okay, bell?
Oh, thank goodness.
Oh, shit.
"Project runway" just started.
We can watch it
on the big screen upstairs.
Yeah. Come on, bell,
and stop being so pretentious.
I don't know how
you do it, Carlisle.
Do what?
Work around
injured patients all day.
How do you not get tempted?
I've been doing this
for a long time, Bella.
I've mastered
self-control.
I wish all vampires
had such control.
You know what I mean?
I do. Is that Edward outside?
Where?
Oh, my bad.
You might feel a little prick.
Ow, what are you doing?
Nothing. It's standard
for this kind of injury.
Okay.
Sorry.
I was falling off the bed
and I grabbed what I could
to break my fall.
- What are you doing here?
- I need to talk to you.
You mind giving
little Edward a hand?
Ooh, ooh.
You're so
incredibly hot, Bella.
I don't know
what you see in Edward,
but I'm prepared
to give you all of me.
Let me show you.
Oh, can you--
can we just not do that?
Sorry.
Whew!
Truthfully, I got
kicked out of my place.
Can I stay with you
for a while?
- I can't let you stay here.
- No, not here.
Inside your cavernous vagina.
Oh, yeah.
- Oh, no. No!
- Ooh, yeah!
- Dude, dude, dude. Wait wait wait.
- What are you doing?!
Dude, dude, dude.
I'm so sorry, dude.
I know I'm not supposed to be
here, but I can't help myself.
I just can't stop thinking
about her constantly.
Day and night.
She's like my own
little personal heroin.
I just want her
to touch it, touch it.
Gyah!
Tee shot!
Whoo-hoo!
I'll hump you later, okay?
Ugh...
Oh yeah...
Unh... oh yeah.
Oh my God. Oh my God,
I left my mic on.
It's so pretty here.
Alice is throwing
this huge graduation party
which, of course,
you're invited to.
She's got some really
cool stuff planned.
She's having, I guess,
something about Lindsay Lohan
coming with some ping-pong
balls and a mule?
Yeah.
I figured as much.
What?
I wanted to
do this differently.
Smoother, but...
But now I'm out of time.
Time for what?
You need to know
the truth, Bella.
You have to understand
all your options.
And right now,
you have to understand
that I'm 12 3/4".
Holy shit!
Is that wrapped
around your leg?
Yeah, three times.
This new cream that
I got is so incredible.
It's gotten so big
and girthy now.
Hmm...
Bella, I want you to choose me
over him.
I thought you understood, Jake.
I just don't feel
that way about you.
Shh.
Shh shh shh.
Listen.
I know you feel
something for me.
You just won't admit it.
Now you won't have to change
for anybody or say
goodbye to anyone.
I can give you more
than he can.
♪ I love it when
we're all alone-- ♪
Really?
Watch it, a-hole.
Hey, sorry, but I'm just wonderin'
how you guys are doing.
We're doing fine! Do you
want to leave us alone here?
Hey, come on. So are you
guys a couple or what?
No! Trying to work on that!
God damn it.
Come on, Jacob.
You guys look great together.
Tell us what's going on. Someone just
said they spotted the two of you
canoodling at boa's
the other night.
Hey, give us the goods.
So Jake, you all right
getting Eddie's cheese?
Really, huh? You want to talk about cheese?
How about that?
Hey.
Oh my God. This house is amazing. I
just took the biggest dump upstairs.
- What are you doing here?
- Someone told me something
about an all-you-can-eat buffet
catered by red lobster.
Congrats, Bella.
I made you a little something.
That is so sweet.
Thanks, Jacob.
Ooh, sorry.
I mean-- ahem--
I have a six-pack.
So it is true.
Ugh, I'll be right back.
What did you see?
The decision's been made.
- What does that mean?
- Not going to Seattle.
They're coming here.
Ah-hh!
Sorry.
Imprint.
They'll be here in four days,
but not before
stopping off at ihop
for all-you-can-eat
pancakes.
How do you know all this?
I follow her tweets.
"Just had the most amazing
dinner at the brewery.
Can't wait for ihop all-you-can-eat
before killing Bella."
- This could turn into a bloodbath.
- Who's behind it?
I didn't see anyone
I recognized.
- Maybe one.
- I know his face.
Ronald steers. He just
friended me on Facebook.
Look, bottom line is
there's an army coming here
and there's not enough
of us to stop them.
Wait. What--
what damn army?
Come on, dude.
Noobs.
Okay?
Our kind.
They're coming
straight for Bella.
They got her scratch-and-sniff
vagina scent
from this
"ebony thunder" magazine.
So what does that mean?
It's like a really good
magazine-- 10 issues for $9.95.
It means there'll be an
ugly fight with lives lost.
But we'll probably get to wear
some really cool outfits. - Yes.
All right.
We're in.
No. You'll get yourselves
killed, no way.
I wasn't asking permission.
- Edward.
- It means more protection for you.
We'll all need some training.
Fighting noobs requires
knowledge that Jasper has.
Ah, yes. Yes.
You're welcome to join us.
All right.
I like to do things.
Name the time and the place.
This is all happening...
Because of me.
I'm the center of it all!
God, I'm the best!
Ah! Whoo!
Me, me, me, me--
we had to prepare
for what was coming,
which meant another h.P.V.
Inoculation
and a 30-day supply
of tucks.
Thank you.
Well, I studied.
What is that?
Oh, it's just a graduation
present from Jake.
Don't worry.
I can't eat white cake.
Gives me really bad gas.
I mean, literally the minute I
eat it, I just start ripping.
It smells really bad.
Kind of like a coyote carcass
that's been left on the side
of the road for nine months
with a side of melted
gruyere cheese.
Or kind of like
an underground
turkish sewer system
after a gay pride parade
in the month of July--
or like I just ate
a llama's dump after--
okay, I get it!
It stinks.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, let's go.
Sorry we're late, guys.
Jacob got his dick stuck
in the pool heater again.
Took us a while to get it out.
What?
It felt really good.
- Damn good.
- We know, man.
- We know.
- It was fun.
Anyways, welcome.
Jasper has experience
with noobs.
Hell yeah.
He'll teach us how to defeat them.
Well, how are you vampires
different from those noobs?
They wanna know how
we differ from the noobs.
Ahh...
They're a lot more
powerful than we are.
Not only do they have
human tissue in their blood,
- they all juice up.
- Like on steroids?
No, like minute-maid, moron!
Carlisle! Can we
please just kill her
so we can live the rest of
our lives in peace? Please.
Unfortunately for our kind, the
first few months of this life
are our most powerful.
Let me show you some
of their recent activities.
This should be good.
I hate these.
It's worth seeing, guys.
Sorry.
Is that a "b" or "p"?
- It's a "p".
- It's a "p", honey.
I think "b".
It was a "p".
Fuck!
Sorry.
Anyway,
Jasper's gonna teach us
how to fight these monsters.
- Jasper?
- Thank you, Carlisle.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the two most important things
about taking down noobs
are as follows--
number one, do not let them
come at you from behind.
Keep your assholes tight.
They will get in, they will slip
in like my Uncle Chris slipped in!
Number two, do not let them
fondle your nuts!
They love nuts. It's one of
their top three favorite foods
that are also body parts.
They love them.
I've seen it. Okay?
Rosalie.
Don't hold back.
Never.
Don't be blonde.
That was rule number zero. I
just didn't say it. Alice!
I love you so much!
Jasper.
Lick dog ass!
Who's next?!
Who's next?!
- Oh crap. Just go.
- Just run. Run.
Mighty Joe young
ain't got nothing on me!
Whoever said that silk
tastes like regular milk
is completely full of shit.
Screw this diet.
Jesus.
So what's the plan here,
paleface?
Well, this field will be
an advantage in battle.
We need to lure the noobs
here with Bella's scent.
This will end here.
Edward and I are going
to a campsite on Saturday.
But even if he carries me,
they'll still pick up my scent.
Your scent, however,
is revolting.
What's that supposed to mean?
Ooh.
Oh, it's a good one.
Sharp!
Well, maybe-- maybe
just a test sample.
Okay. What Edward means
is that if you carry me,
your scent will mask mine.
So let's do a test run
for Saturday.
All right.
Let's do this.
Three--
--two, one.
Okay, sorry.
Sorry.
Oh!
- Um...
- We'll get there.
We'll get there.
Even though it was
Edward's idea,
he really wasn't a fan of me
spending time with Jacob.
I'd just wish
he'd finally understand
that my feelings for him
are way stronger
than my feelings for Jacob.
Well, except when Jacob
sweats between his breasts.
I enjoy that.
They're fun.
I call them my fun bags.
Hey.
You want a sandwich?
No, I'm good.
Dad, I was wondering.
Hmm?
Why didn't you ever
get married after mom?
Well, uh...
Actually I almost did,
sweetheart.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah.
His name was Frank.
He had the hottest eight-pack
I'd ever seen in my life.
He loved tennis
as much as I did.
On the weekend,
we go to palm Springs
and get one of those rooms
with two queens for $69.69.
We'd go antiquing,
take the skytram, ass hump.
Oh gross, dad.
Why don't you just tell me
some more about the skytram?
Of course, I'm sorry.
Skytram is when I get nude
and stand on the bed
and he lies on the floor
and jerks off.
If he shoots a load
up in the air
and I catch it in my mouth,
we both yell out
"skytram!"
Oh, wow, that's really gross.
I should have just asked
you about antiquing.
Oh. Well, that's
when you skytram
with an 85-year-old man.
Okay, dad, can I just
ask you something, please?
Anything.
- Do you believe in marriage?
- Of course. Why?
Is there something
you want to tell me?
Were you not careful, Bella?
What?
Look, there are things
you need to know
before you become
physically intimate.
Okay, dad. Mom already had
this talk with me so--
uh-hmm.
Look, sweetheart.
This isn't a game. You need to
know what sex is all about.
Now a man has a penis
and a woman...
Has a vagina.
Some women have
very big vaginas.
- Dad!
- Too technical? Okay.
Now once insertion is achieved,
the man and woman
begin humping each other.
Could you guys
demonstrate, please?
Dad! Edward is not
interested in sex.
- Get out of here.
- No, he's not. I'm serious.
No, I mean it. Get out of here. You're wasting
my time then. I've got business to do.
Go.
I'm sorry. My daughter
has a huge vagina.
Like, gaping.
Hey, anybody up
for a little antiquing?
You guys up? Have you
heard of skytramming?
I can't believe
we have the whole house
- to ourselves for the night.
- Pretty cool.
There's a bed?
Thought you might
need one to sleep in.
Okay, I wanna
ask you something.
Anything.
Marriage is the condition for you
to change me yourself, right?
- Yes.
- Okay.
I wanna negotiate
my own condition.
Anything you want, it's yours.
You promise?
Yes.
- Put this on.
- What?
- Please?
- Why?
Thought it might be fun.
For you, anything.
Okay. This too.
Uh...
How's this?
Oh, it's perfect.
Okay, um,
now call me your bitch.
What? I can't--
oh, oh, okay. Uh, how about ho?
Can you say ho?
No, that's not
how I was raised--
oh-hh!
You're my motherfucking bitch!
Ooh!
You're my goddamn ho!
Oh yeah. Okay, now talk
about my milky-white ass.
I love your
milky-white ass.
Oh, yes, that is so good.
Oh, give me your
chocolate pole, lebron.
Okay okay okay, stop.
I-- I can't do this.
What? It's just
a little roleplay.
- I'm out, I'm out.
- It's just for f--
okay, I'm sorry.
Let's just be us--
you and me?
You're the hottest thing
around here anyway.
♪ One day ♪
♪ no more pain-- ♪
Oh oh, whoa. Okay, what--
what-- what are you doing?
Oh, just go with it, Edward. I'm
gonna make you feel so good.
♪ One day, no more-- ♪
Oh, ow! Whoa, okay. I-- I
can't let you do that.
Bella, Bella, Bella,
I'm not ready.
Aren't you
attracted to me, Edward?
I mean, we can
work through this.
I can get liposuction
or I can breast implants,
or shave my roast beef.
I mean, whatever you want.
No, bell-- I'm attracted
to you, Bella.
It's just I--
do you have the most enhanced
breasts in the world?
- Does that help?
- Nope.
Please direct your
attention to stage seven
and let's give a big
body shop welcome
to Bella.
Try stuffing this
in your fire crotch.
Thanks, mister.
Really?
Here.
Drink that.
- Nothing.
- God damn it!
What the hell
is wrong with you?
Any guy would give his left nut
to be nailing me right now.
Nailing me fucking hard!
You know what?
Screw yourself.
Thanks a lot, fuck-snort.
I lost my wood.
You're not coming with us?
It'll be a last-minute decision.
I told you how it works.
The cullens have powers.
Don't underestimate them,
Ronald.
You'll have the numbers,
but they'll be able to
anticipate your every move.
According to your friend.
Yes.
My dead friend--
Gary Coleman.
He found out about the
things they could do,
so they killed him.
But not before
he told me about--
hey, looks like you two
have become quite the couple.
- Fuck.
- What?
No, seriously. You guys are
like a vampire version
of Bonnie and Clyde.
It's so cool.
All right.
Do-- do you mind?
No, I get it.
You want your privacy.
But tell me, is the sex better
as a vampire or as a human?
Oh, come on, Ronny.
Don't be shy, man.
Come on, what's the deal?
Is she not giving it up?
- Would you-- no comment.
- Come on.
Oh, shit. She's not
giving it up, is she?
You're a vampire virgin.
Aww, little Ronny's
a vampire virgin!
All right, stop it!
We mess around, okay?
We do everything but.
You know, we just dry humped
like half an hour ago.
Whoa.
Dry humping. Wow.
That's some real
Jonas brothers shit, right?
- Get off me!
- What?
Why don't you give each other
promise rings
and jerk each other off?
I didn't do anything.
You are on thin ice.
- Victoria.
- No.
Don't you think you're
going a little overboard?
If this is all I have to
contribute, I want to be thorough.
- Thorough about what?
- Hey, Jacob.
Alice says there's a storm
coming through tonight.
Yeah yeah.
I can feel it.
I definitely have maximum
shrinkage going on.
Oh, this needs ketchup.
Ooh.
Chipotle.
I'll meet you up there
in a couple hours.
- Ready to go, milady?
- Yeah, yes.
All right, you know what to do.
Got it.
And now-- oh my God!
- Did you gain weight?
- Did you lose muscle?
I'm protecting you.
Ready?
Ahh! That's one.
Yeah, they're not gonna
follow me after that.
Ooh, Jesus, is that
really necessary?
You wanna be safe, don't you?
Um, Ronald? I'm not too
strong of a swimmer.
Neither am I.
I was taking lessons at the y
and my teacher got gonorrhea.
She had to move back to Kansas.
I don't know how to swim,
and I have a vagina.
Enough!
We will figure it out.
Such babies.
Oh Christ, so sorry!
Oh my God!
No worries.
You're gonna really wanna
hurry up there, sweet tits.
Those vampires
are hot on your ass.
Oh, we're almost there.
Awesome.
- Almost got it.
- God, this is hard.
Oh my God.
Let me know when you want
me to jump off, girl.
We're almost there.
Whew.
That burn.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Thank you.
- It was no problem.
We ran into a small
stumbling block
a few Miles down,
but we made it through.
You should probably head
back before the storm hits.
Nah, I'm good.
I think I'm gonna
camp out here tonight.
Besides, I have a dove bar.
Why are you staying here?
'Cause I like to watch.
Let's get you inside the tent.
I'm sorry, sweetie,
I wish there was
something I could do.
It's okay, I'm fine.
Guys, we've got a problem.
Did anybody bring hot sauce?
'Cause this burrito is dry--
whoa, Bella, are you all right?
We're all right, Jacob.
Just leave us alone.
- She doesn't look fine.
- Leave us alone, man.
Hey, this isn't about
you and me, Edward.
This is about Bella.
Come to terms with it, man.
I'm just hotter than you.
You serious?
Keep it clean.
Hey, you got it.
Keep it clean.
Oh yeah.
Really really clean.
I gotta say, Jacob--
I mean,
if the situation
wasn't what it is...
I think we'd probably
be friends.
I know it's weird, but I...
...I think
you're a good guy.
Good, good-- a nice guy.
I-- I mean,
uh, I think...
Your intentions seem to be
in the right place.
It's-- damn it,
man, I mean...
Is it our fault
that our ancestors
have been feuding
for centuries?
Pile-drive me!
- I like you Jacob and...
- I need energy.
- ...I'd like to start over with you.
- Oh God!
Maybe catch a movie,
grab a coffee.
- Road trip to Vegas?
- Ah!
It's crazy.
Vampire, wolf boy,
hanging out, right?
No, I know. I know, right?
But think about it.
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
We could change things for our
kind for future generations.
Oh Buddha.
Fucking-a, man,
we can make a difference.
What do you say?
Wanna go to palm Springs?
Did you have
a good night's sleep?
Yeah, it was good.
I gotta say,
Jacob's not half bad.
I mean, he's a real,
genuine, trustworthy gentleman.
It's hard to find that
in someone these days.
I told you.
Nah.
Oh my God,
these woods are amazing.
I just took the biggest dump
next to poison sumac!
O.M.G.!
We've been totally
looking for you guys.
Hello, Laverne, Shirley.
We called you guys
like, a million times.
We posted, like, a gazillion
messages on your wall.
We sexted nude pictures
to Jasper like, every day.
I did not put that picture
as my desktop profile
picture. I did not.
Listen, ladies, we're a
little busy right now.
Of course, blow us off again, Carlisle.
We're used to it.
You seemed to have
plenty of time for us
during the last exam
of our vaginas.
Okay, girls, honestly.
We're about to go
into battle here.
Look, cut the bullshit.
Are you adopting us or not?
Unfortunately, no.
Well, fuck you, Cullen family.
Fuck you hard.
You wanna go now?
Did anyone notice they kinda
looked a little similar?
What the fuck, hmm?
I thought you knew
where we were going!
Recalculating route.
Damn GPS!
The noobs will be forced to
enter from the east side.
We'll wait until they get
halfway across the battlefield
and then we'll strike, but only
on my command. You got it?
- Right.
- On my command!
You have reached
your destination.
Okay, let's do this.
Lee-Roy-yy
Jenkins!
- Emmet, you moron!
- God damn it.
- Ooh!
- That's enough!
Enough!
- We want them!
- Oh hell no!
It's starting.
He says it's starting.
They're planking.
And now they're owling.
It's really gay.
Oh my God, they're owling.
That is so gay.
Jacob just arrived.
He's marking his territory.
Still going. Still going.
Anybody still going?
Someone's hurt?
She's close.
I can hear her thoughts.
Something about
needing a Brazilian wax
because she's getting major
chaffage when she runs.
Seth, go!
She found us.
She's not alone.
Oh God.
Ronald, listen to me.
Victoria is just using you
to distract me.
She knows I'll kill you.
In fact, she'll be happy
to not have
to deal with you anymore.
Don't listen to him, Ronald.
I told you about
his mind tricks.
Don't keep distracted.
Keep watching. Keep watching.
Oh, which one it could be? Whoa,
whoa, here we go. Here we go.
- Oh, son of a bitch!
- Ha!
Oh my goodness.
You're fucking dead!
You won't get another
chance like this again!
You want her.
You want me to feel
the pain you felt
when I killed James,
when I tore him to pieces,
when I turned him to ash,
when I smoked him out of a bong
and gave everyone a contact high
at an Enrique iglesias concert.
Where are you going?
Aggh!
Get over here.
Take this.
You, where do you think
you're going?
- Yeah.
- Don't do it.
Bella!
Don't do it.
Oh, your girlfriend's bleeding.
Come on!
Oh, I hate you so much.
So much.
Mmm...
Huh.
- Want one?
- No.
Oh, Jesus Christ, it's bad!
That's really-- oh my God,
that's really bad.
Oh, it's so bad it smells like
coyote carcass with melted gruyere
that's been left on the side of
the highway for nine months.
So bad-- oh, it smells
like a turkish sewer system
after a gay pride parade
in the month of July.
Oh, oh, so bad, it smells like
you ate a llama's dump
after it just--
okay yeah, I know,
I know. It smells bad.
- Hey, there they are.
- Love the llama's dump line.
That was really good.
Congratulations.
Impressive. I've never seen
a small group like yours
defeat a large army
like theirs.
- We were lucky.
- I doubt that.
Luck is when you have
a six showing
and the dealer shows
a king and you hit
and pull up a four and a queen.
Or when you bet exacta box
on two 50-1 horses
and they come in win and place.
Or if you take grambling
over Southern,
but you have to lay 10 and cover
on a last-second hail Mary.
- We're gonna have to off all of you.
- Excuse me?
It'll be quick.
You won't feel a thing.
Oh, crap!
- "Storage wars" is on in five.
- What? No one TiVo'd it?
I'd like to commend you all
on a job well done
and hope to see you at Edward
and Bella's wedding next month.
Mazel!
Married?!
You two are getting married?
Jacob, you knew
this day was coming.
By my bronzed body.
Ah-ha.
Call off the wedding
or I'll take my life.
Jacob, put the knife down.
This does not qualify
as an emergency situation.
- Call it off.
- Just put the knife down and we'll talk, okay?
Hey, what's up, Jacob?
How you feel about the
conflict in the middle east?
You kidding me? Get the hell
out of here, you asshole.
Oh, dude.
Dude, I'm sorry.
My abs.
My glorious abs!
To Edward and Bella!
- You have something--
- huh?
- You have something right here.
- What?
You've got a goddamn booger
hanging from your nose
- and it's fucking gross!
- Sorry.
No measure of time with you
would be long enough,
but we'll start with...
Forever.
Ah-hh!
Skytram!
It's impossible.
You're pregnant?
No, you idiot.
Oh Christ.
God, it's a really
bad case of the shits.
God, I knew I shouldn't have
taken those stupid shrimp tacos
from that guadalajaran
street vendor last night.
You're definitely
pregnant, Bella.
There's only one
slight inconsistency.
The results of
the blood test reveal
that the baby's DNA doesn't
exactly match that of Edward's.
What?
That's impossible.
Not according to science.
Well, then whose is it?
Daddy's home, bitches!
Everyone, David here, and I'm
about to watch the new trailer
for the "twilight" saga
"eclipse" movie.
We're about
to watch it, people.
Should we hold hands? We've
always held hands before.
We probably should.
Very true.
"The following preview has been
approved for appropriate audiences."
I'm so nervous.
Excuse me if I start screaming.
Oh my God.
- No. No no no.
- Oh...
- No no no.
- ...My...
...God.
Oh my God!
Did you see that?
- Oh my God.
- Holy shit!
Oh, Alice--!
New "eclipse" clip. New "eclipse" clip.
New "eclipse" clip.
New "eclipse" clip.
New "eclipse" clip.
New "eclipse" clip!
I'm gonna watch it
because I need to watch it.
I've been waiting to all--
well, not all day,
but most of today to watch it.
And I really can't wait anymore
because apparently
it's got the volturi in it.
I love the volturi.
Oh my God.
"Eclipse" clip!
Oh my God. No...
I'm looking right now
at the page and I can watch
the trailer now
and I'm so nervous!
Oh my God.
I can't wait.
Oh my God, it's the volturi!
Oh my God!
Oh my God.
It's amazing!
And I love
the part where--
the "twilight" trailer--
I love the whole part!
The whole thing!
I love the whole thing!
Oh my God!
Why have they not
leaked more? Okay?
Do they not know
that "twilight" fans
need more?!
We need more!
More. Please.
Hi. More, please.
I love this already.
I've just seen it.
I'm crying
because it was so good.
I've got no voice because
I've spent the last day--
I'm gonna go book a ticket
for tomorrow morning
'cause I need to see it again.
Oh my God, oh my God. I've just
seen it for the fifth time.
I saw it four times yesterday
and I've just gotten home
after seeing it for the fifth
time and I am totally exhausted.
And I'm never gonna get
sick of this film ever.
It's just not gonna happen.
No, it's not gonna happen.
No, it's not.
I fucking love this film!
I fucking love this film!
I fucking loved
every single minute of it
and I didn't get kicked out,
which is actually
quite a surprise to me
because that's normally what would
happen, to be totally honest with you.
Oh my God, I have to go and see it
again and again and again and again.
I don't even have
any other words.
And I'm tired,
yet I'm still hyper
and I've never really
done that before.
And I'm eating jaffa cakes
for no apparent reason.
No reason.
No.
No reason.
Bye.
♪ The closer you are ♪
♪ the better I am ♪
♪ I wanna spend my life ♪
♪ with you ♪
♪ let's take a chance ♪
♪ go somewhere
we've never been ♪
♪ it's cold, it's cold,
it's cold outside ♪
♪ in here, in here,
it's warm with you ♪
♪ it's cold, it's cold,
it's cold outside ♪
♪ in here, in here,
it's warm... ♪
No.
Oh no.
Oh God, no.
No.
Son of a bitch!
Son of a bitch!
Oh God, why?
Oh-- God.
- Ah yeah.
- No.
Cut!
...how much
you mean to me.
Made you a little something. Made you a little something.
Made you a little something.
Oh my God.
I like to watch.
I like to watch.
Your vagina feels so good.
I can fuckin' do this
all night.
- Caliente?
- Oh, muy mucho!
I don't know Spanish!
Ah, excuse me.
Oh, uh, he sharted himself.
And action.
It'll be fun.
We'll have a chalupa truck,
a petting zoo
and we'll drink some blood.
Is that Japan?
Is that Japan there?
They will take your ass.
They will take your property
like they're playing risk.
Oh sorry.
Who's next, pussies?!
I killed my wife!
Shut up. Just shut
that lying face.
We need to rework
our voting system.
I feel like it was flawed.
He's nailing her good. She's
taking it like your mom used to.
- I'm proud of you, mom.
- Cut.
I'm good with one.
Ah-hh.
I'm a giver.
Ah-hh.
"Taiwanese" means
"two hookers" anyway.
Two hookers, two hookers.
What the fuck?!
What the fuck?!
What the fuck?!
Ahh!
Ahh-hah!
Ah-ha-ha.
I wish all vampires
had such control.
You know what I mean? You know what I mean?
You know what I mean?
I do.
Yeah, it'll be fun.
We'll have a chalupa truck,
a petting zoo and, uh...
- Whatever.
- ...Whatever.
You can just call it on the fly.
Nice.
Huh?
Alice, don't be angry because
you're too tight to do anal.
- Action.
- God.
Knife-in-my-chest,
this hurts.
Hold that backdrop.
Ow.
Are you okay?
I quit!
- Quiel, you too?
- Yup, finally made the pack.
- Ahh.
- No thanks.
That feels really good, huh?
Oh yeah, it does.
♪ He said the fault is mine ♪
♪ he said I shouldn't lie ♪
♪ I say he's out of his mind ♪
♪ I said he'd make me cry ♪
♪ he said he's tried his best ♪
♪ he says I shouldn't jest ♪
♪ I say he's out of his mind ♪
♪ I said he'd make me cry,
make me cry ♪
♪ I should've known
when we got through ♪
♪ with all assured,
life still wasn't good ♪
♪ I gave it all
and then some more ♪
♪ I tried and now
I'm locked in ♪
♪ doors, stuck with you ♪
♪ can see outside,
what a wonderful view ♪
♪ locked inside,
I don't belong ♪
♪ lost inside, my way out is ♪
♪ long ♪
♪ time with you ♪
♪ can see outside,
what a wonderful view ♪
♪ locked inside,
I don't belong ♪
♪ lost inside, my way out is ♪
♪ long ♪
♪ he said I bitch too much ♪
♪ I said the drugs his clutch ♪
♪ I know he's out of his mind ♪
♪ I said he'd make me cry ♪
♪ he said that he could quit ♪
♪ he lied and took a hit ♪
♪ I know he's out of mind ♪
♪ I said he'd make me cry,
make me cry ♪
♪ I should've known
when we got through ♪
♪ with all assured,
life still wasn't good ♪
♪ I gave it all
and then some more ♪
♪ I tried and now
I'm locked in ♪
♪ doors, stuck with you ♪
♪ can see outside,
what a wonderful view ♪
♪ locked inside,
I don't belong ♪
♪ lost inside, my way out is ♪
♪ long ♪
♪ time with you ♪
♪ can see outside,
what a wonderful view ♪
♪ locked inside,
I don't belong ♪
♪ lost inside, my way out is ♪
♪ long ♪
♪ yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ yeah yeah ♪
♪ he said he's glad I cried ♪
♪ I said,
"your brain's so fried" ♪
♪ I know he's out of his mind ♪
♪ I said he'd make me cry,
make me cry ♪
♪ I should've known
when we got through ♪
♪ with all assured,
life still wasn't good ♪
♪ I gave it all
and then some more ♪
♪ I tried and now
I'm locked in ♪
♪ doors, stuck with you ♪
♪ can see outside,
what a wonderful view ♪
♪ locked inside,
I don't belong... ♪
Oh my God.
Jesus Christ, that reeks.
- Jesus!
- I'm sorry!
My tooth! Aa-hh!
What the fuck?
Ow!
What the fuck?
Oh, Jesus Christ! That is so vile.
Ugh.
I'm sorry!
I'm so sorry!
"Some say the earth
will end in fire.
Others, in ice.
From what I've tasted
of desire,
i hold with those
who favor fire..."
"Some women prefer white men,
others prefer Asian.
I, however, prefer
the underage, dark-skinned boys
who play basketball
and listen to Chris brown."
- Excuse me?
- I didn't say anything.
Marry me.
Change me.
Marry me.
No, seriously, change me.
I think I just soiled my pants.
Do you want the bears
or the bunnies?
Uh, bunnies are good.
- Ahem--
- grandma?
Wow, what are you doing here?
Grandma, I want you to
meet my boyfriend Edward.
- Oh, hello.
- Hi.
Oh...
Yes.
Hello, grandma.
Ah-hh.
Oh-hh!
No teeth.
- Oh God.
- Ah, yeah.
- Ah, yeah.
- No.
Hey, sweetheart.
Looks like somebody got in
a little late last night.
Actually, I got in
at exactly 8:00.
So, what, Edward's trying
to brown-nose me now?
- What?
- Got a surprise for you, sweetheart.
Look who's gonna be staying
with us for a few weeks.
- Grandma?
- Yeah.
Yeah, grandma thought she'd
come out and see you graduate.
- Oh no.
- Oh hey, bell.
Who's your vampire, huh?
Yeah!
Hey.
Good morning, sweetheart.
Ooh, looks like somebody got
in a little late last night.
Actually, dad, I got in
exactly at 8:00.
So, what, Edward's trying
to brown-nose me now?
You know, dad?
Let's just move on.
Look, uh,
you know why
I grounded you, right?
Because I suggested the features that
made Facebook as lame as MySpace?
- What?
- Because I've been asleep for three movies?
- What?
- Or was it because I accidentally trapped
those 33 Chileans in a mine
for over a month?
No no. It's because I wanted
separation between you and Edward.
Dad, there's nothing
you can say.
- Edward's in my life.
- Hello.
Yeah, I gathered that.
All right, look,
I'll make you a deal.
You're not grounded anymore
if you use some
of your newfound freedom
to spend some time
with your other friends too.
Like Jacob.
Honey, he's going through
a real rough time now.
His dad's worried about him.
I remember when that was you.
You needed a friend,
Jake was there.
Not to mention
that they're turning
that Indian reservation
into a casino.
Honey, you could marry
into a ton of cash.
Then you could finally buy your
old man three taiwanese hookers.
- What?
- Two taiwanese hookers?
- Ugh.
- I'm good with one. Not selfish.
Welcome to the official
Jacob fan club hotline!
Unfortunately,
due to heavy call volume,
the hold time
is exceptionally long.
But if you leave
your name after the beep,
we'll be sure
to get back to you!
Jacob hadn't talked
to me in weeks.
I wanted to fix it, but...
He just wouldn't
give me a chance.
♪ I'm fallin' so fast ♪
♪ you are where I wanna be ♪
♪ slow down and wait for ♪
♪ you to take this earth
from me ♪
♪ these wounds are deep and
my lungs are filling up... ♪
Going to the reservation?
What?
No. I am going to the--
the cheese store.
There-- they-- they
have this new camembert
that's supposed
to be--
that's some sexy cheese.
Yep.
Edward's been having a tough
time trusting me as of late,
and I wasn't exactly sure why.
Maybe it was because he saw me
take a 20 out of his wallet.
Or maybe it was because
he caught me
giving oral
at the dancing bear party.
I don't know.
I just don't get it.
♪ Waiting for you to speak ♪
♪ I feel-- ♪
You mind?
So we spotted Bella
and Edward together again.
And according to them, they
swear they're not an item.
Whatevs. He's so dropping
his nuts in her mouth.
As opposed to dropping them
on her chest.
Well, wouldn't that
make them "chestnuts"?
Sorry, Harry, blond dude's
nuts joke was better!
Hey, so what's the deal guys?
You together or what?
Come on, you got die-hard fans.
They wanna know what's going on.
Bella, is Edward well-hung
or does he have a tiny penis?
That is wildly inappropriate.
Well what about Bella, Edward?
Does she have a large vagina?
Whoa, that too is
incredibly inappropriate.
It's huge.
T-shirts!
Get your t-shirts right here.
Join team Edward today.
We got 25% off
for all new members.
There you go, sweetheart.
We got buttons.
We got pins.
We got notebooks.
We got underwear.
We got socks, t-shirts, sneakers,
we got whatever you want.
All right, here we go.
I've decided to throw a party.
After all, how many times do we
get to graduate high school?
Hmm.
Another party, Alice?
It'll be fun. We'll have a
chalupa truck, a petting zoo...
And we'll drink some blood.
- What?
- Huh?
Oh, look who's in town.
There's no one there.
Look again.
Aw-ww, who are they?
The little cullens.
They're little versions of us.
They swoop into towns
after we've left them behind
and pick up all
the emotionally-wounded scraps.
Don't look now, bell, but little
Edward is totally eyeing you.
- Little Edward.
- Edward.
We have a pact,
you little putz.
You're not supposed to be
within 100 Miles of me.
I'm well aware of that,
but I don't give a crap.
I'm hot for Bella.
She's one hot piece of ass.
See?
You're just jealous
'cause Bella wants me.
- Little Jasper.
- Jasper.
You never answered
any of my calls.
- I miss you.
- You were stalking me.
- I miss your scent. I miss your forehead.
- I miss everything.
Edward seemed a little uneasy
about the arrival
of the little cullens.
From what I was told, they always
seem to put him in a weird place.
He just wasn't acting
like himself.
It was making me nervous.
But nothing outweighed
the disdain he had for Jacob.
Don't let him touch you.
I measured it off
at 6 3/4" this morning.
- What?
- Huh?
Where have you been?
Hanging out at home.
While you were hanging out at home,
the guys spotted your ginger.
Victoria.
Alice's vision.
- I was trying to protect you.
- By lying to me?
See, that's what you get
with these vampires.
With me, you get so much more.
You get honesty and 8 3/4".
I thought you said
you were 6 3/4".
I lied.
- I need to talk to him.
- I don't trust him.
Don't worry.
He's a great driver.
Okay.
Lose the grin, Jake. We're
just going for a ride.
Damn right we are.
Watch your leg.
Oh!
Hold on.
I got my pant leg caught.
Oh, there we go.
- You ready now?
- Yeah, yeah.
All right, here we go.
Ow!
- You okay?
- Yeah, hop off, hop off.
- Hey, can you help?
- Sorry.
Ah, rats.
I got the corn dog, so you're
good with this, right?
I knew it.
How was school today?
It hasn't started yet.
Oh, mother of pearl,
this is heavy.
Is this bike made of bricks?
Light a fire under your ass.
Let's move!
Okay.
That first mile,
there were a lot of snakes.
Like, I mean, an ungodly
amount of snakes.
I can't believe that. Just leave
that there if you want to.
Hey-- hey
hey hey hey.
Are you all right?
It's okay, she didn't mean it.
Be back to take care
of you later.
Hey, are you sure
it's cool that I'm here?
I mean, I'm not a werewolf.
You worry too much.
Of course.
Ah, look who's back.
What up, bell?
- Quiel, you too?
- Yup, finally made the pack.
No thanks.
I'm good.
Glad you're here, Bella.
Now we can finally get a break
- from Jacob constantly humping the pool heater.
- Not to mention the mattress.
- Don't forget the fresh cantaloupe.
- Oh, yeah.
It's his way of imprinting.
What? It just feels
really good, okay?
Yeah, it does, right?
So, what's this whole
"imprinting" thing?
Imprinting.
Uh...
Imprinting is when you see her.
And...
Just everything changes.
It's no longer gravity that's
keeping you on the planet.
It's simply her.
And nothing else matters.
Sounds like
you know the feeling.
Have you ever, um,
imprinted on anyone?
I imprinted on my face
first thing this morning.
Now look at this little guy
we've got here.
Jacob, Edward's going to
change me after graduation.
What?
- You knew this was coming.
- Not in a month or--
before you even lived.
Or I had the chance
to imprint over the great abs
you've got there.
My God! Would you
look at the ass
on that sweet bitch?!
I would tear that shit up
in two seconds.
Jacob, I know that this
hurts right now,
but in time,
you'll forget about me.
Jacob?
- Jake!
- I've got a six-pack.
I was just saying,
in time,
you'll forget about me.
Bella...
You really have no idea
how much you mean to me.
Ah!
Don't touch me.
I just imprinted in my pants.
Oh, Frank.
You know, Edward could
at least respect meal times.
- I was with Jake.
- Oh.
Dad, what is on your face?
What?
Hey, Gary Coleman's cock.
Hey.
Do you understand
how worried I've been?
I was perfectly safe.
I almost broke the treaty and had
to cancel my blow-dry appoint--
oh, God-- sorry, I know.
I smell like dog semen.
No, something's wrong.
Edward, what's wrong?
Someone's been in here...
And he hijacked
your "ebony thunder."
- Who was it? Someone we know?
- Just a stranger.
I didn't recognize his scent,
but it was intoxicating.
A nomad just passing through?
A passerby wouldn't have
left Bella's dad alive.
I wouldn't have.
The scent disappeared about five
Miles South of Bella's house.
It was very pungent.
I think he had
huevos rancheros.
- Someone's orchestrating this.
- Victoria?
I would have seen her decide.
Has to be the volturi.
I don't think
it's the volturi either.
I've been watching
James' decisions too.
So we keep looking.
We'll all take shifts
watching Bella at her house.
Another protection detail
for this little bitch?
- Rosalie.
- No, she's-- she's totally right.
You guys can't protect me, watch
my dad, follow the intruder,
stock up on glitter,
and keep yourselves fed.
I'm not gonna leave you
here unprotected.
Well, I won't let you starve.
And besides I won't
be unprotected.
Jacob and the wolves can help.
Abs!
You know what I'm thinking?
Oh, shit.
We've missed the first five
minutes of "ace of cakes."
- No!
- God damn it.
- I do love that guy.
- No! Season finale!
Sometimes I wish
I'd never moved to forks.
I've caused so much drama, I would have
been better off staying in Arizona.
But at the same time,
i was kind of a loser
in Arizona.
I ate lunch by myself,
stayed home on Saturday nights,
went to the homecoming dance
with chao-lin,
the blond Korean pool boy.
You know, on second thought, I guess
I really should have moved here.
This is the greatest thing
that has ever happened to me.
Well, besides
dry-humping chao-lin.
Is somebody eating
junior mints?
I totally smell junior mints.
I love junior mints.
Sometimes I'll eat like, 20 at
a time and then throw them up.
I'm bulimic and vegan.
Oh shit. There's an in-n-out.
I gotta run.
Well, whoever it was
forgot to flush the toilet.
That thing was huge,
but we picked up his scent.
It won't be hard to miss
next time we cross it.
We can handle it from here.
We don't need you to handle
anyone or anything.
- I'll handle your balls.
- All right, we're done here.
No, you're done here.
Or maybe it's
just the beginning.
Stop!
Stop it. Stop!
God, I am so tired of this.
You know what, from now on,
I'm Switzerland, okay?
By Switzerland,
you mean large vagina?
Edward hated the idea.
But it wasn't about
rivalry anymore.
It was about my safety
and Charlie's...
And the amazing package
the host had at c.P.K.
In the days that followed,
I got them both
to at least try
to work together.
Hah...
Damn you, Jacob the werewolf!
It wasn't exactly an easy
alliance, but it worked.
While Edward and his family
went out to hunt,
I'd spend time with Jacob.
Are you sure it's
okay that I'm here
seeing as I'm a
vampire girl and all?
Do I have perfectly
chiseled abs?
Besides, the tribal council
has something special
planned for you for tonight.
Jake! Jake!
The quileutes have always been a
small tribe from the beginning...
And we have always had
the magic in our blood.
We were great spirit warriors,
shape shifters.
We transformed
into powerful autobots
that fought the Decepticons
while our children
turned into smurfs
and we formed an alliance
with captain crunch
and fought the hamburglar.
We were unstoppable...
That is,
until they showed up.
Anyone in the mood
for a good salad tossing?
Our warriors' sharp teeth
finally tore it apart.
It tasted like chicken.
We completely
killed it--
the blockbuster franchise
and the amusement ride.
However, they lived in fear
that the cold man
was not alone.
And they were right.
There was a herd
of them--
all of them
different characters
played the exact same way.
Mmm. Smells like oak
with a hint of Berry.
Oop. That's two
for flinching.
Don't you know
you can't have tea
without the tea bag?
Here we go.
And the cold ones went insane.
They wiped out most of the tribe
before they could escape.
Our eldest chief, Marc Epstein,
was the only spirit warrior
left to save the tribe
after his son was killed.
Chief Epstein's second wife
saw that he would lose.
The second wife was
no match for the being,
with no special powers
but one--
courage.
The second wife's sacrifice
distracted the cold ones
long enough
for chief Epstein
to destroy it.
She saved the tribe.
It was a mitzvah.
Over time, our enemies
had disappeared.
But one remains--
the cold ones.
Our magic awakens
when they're near.
We sense it now.
We feel the threat
in our blood, our loins,
our cornholes.
Deep inside.
Kind of vibrating,
probing around, pure heaven.
Something terrible is coming.
We must be ready.
Ready to break wind
if we have to,
to get their attention
and defeat them.
Excuse me a minute.
Oh, he just sharted himself.
This is a great
new art piece, guys.
Oh, thanks, honey.
Actually, it's old.
Rosalie found it
in the basement this morning
and I just thought
it'd be fun to look at.
Nice find, Rosalie.
Yeah, the guy it was made after
was some African tribal leader.
Mom used to date him.
As you can see,
he was excessively endowed.
Well, not as big
as your father, honey.
Dad was just girthy, mom.
He's not as long as nimbat...
Oh, you see, Alice and I
used to share nimbat...
Actually,
mom stole him from me.
Now, don't be angry because
you're too tight to do anal.
Yeah, Alice, anal's cool.
Wait. Shh shh.
I wanna hear this.
Seattle is in a state of terror
as police are baffled
by the escalating murders,
disappearances, and how Brendan
Fraser keeps getting work...
- Aghh-- Brendan Fraser!
- It's getting worse.
We might have to do something.
It takes more than one of our
kind to report damages like that.
Quite a few more. They're
undisciplined, conspicuous,
and they all sag their pants
a little bit.
Newborns.
Aka "noobs."
Oh, like a level two orc
in "warcraft."
The first few months
after the change--
right, that's when we're
at our most uncontrollable.
We're vicious, bloodthirsty
and we have this weird
ocd thing
where we have to count
all the time.
"One testy-testy,
ha ha ha.
Two testy-testy,
ha ha ha.
Three testy-testy,
ha ha ha."
Nobody tell anyone
I have three testicles.
It's something
to look forward to--
the counting,
not the testicles.
- Right.
- I'm gonna go check the mail out front.
I just ordered
a new box of proactiv.
Now these nooblets
are untrained,
- but this isn't random.
- Someone's creating an army.
A vampire army?
No, the salvation army, bitch!
Jesus Christ! What do you think
we've been talking about?
You know, you really are an idiot.
I fucking hate you.
We're the only clan
closest to Seattle.
Regardless of why
they were created,
if we don't do something about
them, the volturi will.
I'm surprised they haven't
already done something.
Jesus Christ!
Don't you ever die, bitch?!
Ugh!
What the hell
are you doing, Rosalie?
I'm sorry. She's just
so effing annoying.
Why don't you just talk it out
with her, for Christ's sakes?
Are you okay, bell?
Oh, thank goodness.
Oh, shit.
"Project runway" just started.
We can watch it
on the big screen upstairs.
Yeah. Come on, bell,
and stop being so pretentious.
I don't know how
you do it, Carlisle.
Do what?
Work around
injured patients all day.
How do you not get tempted?
I've been doing this
for a long time, Bella.
I've mastered
self-control.
I wish all vampires
had such control.
You know what I mean?
I do. Is that Edward outside?
Where?
Oh, my bad.
You might feel a little prick.
Ow, what are you doing?
Nothing. It's standard
for this kind of injury.
Okay.
Sorry.
I was falling off the bed
and I grabbed what I could
to break my fall.
- What are you doing here?
- I need to talk to you.
You mind giving
little Edward a hand?
Ooh, ooh.
You're so
incredibly hot, Bella.
I don't know
what you see in Edward,
but I'm prepared
to give you all of me.
Let me show you.
Oh, can you--
can we just not do that?
Sorry.
Whew!
Truthfully, I got
kicked out of my place.
Can I stay with you
for a while?
- I can't let you stay here.
- No, not here.
Inside your cavernous vagina.
Oh, yeah.
- Oh, no. No!
- Ooh, yeah!
- Dude, dude, dude. Wait wait wait.
- What are you doing?!
Dude, dude, dude.
I'm so sorry, dude.
I know I'm not supposed to be
here, but I can't help myself.
I just can't stop thinking
about her constantly.
Day and night.
She's like my own
little personal heroin.
I just want her
to touch it, touch it.
Gyah!
Tee shot!
Whoo-hoo!
I'll hump you later, okay?
Ugh...
Oh yeah...
Unh... oh yeah.
Oh my God. Oh my God,
I left my mic on.
It's so pretty here.
Alice is throwing
this huge graduation party
which, of course,
you're invited to.
She's got some really
cool stuff planned.
She's having, I guess,
something about Lindsay Lohan
coming with some ping-pong
balls and a mule?
Yeah.
I figured as much.
What?
I wanted to
do this differently.
Smoother, but...
But now I'm out of time.
Time for what?
You need to know
the truth, Bella.
You have to understand
all your options.
And right now,
you have to understand
that I'm 12 3/4".
Holy shit!
Is that wrapped
around your leg?
Yeah, three times.
This new cream that
I got is so incredible.
It's gotten so big
and girthy now.
Hmm...
Bella, I want you to choose me
over him.
I thought you understood, Jake.
I just don't feel
that way about you.
Shh.
Shh shh shh.
Listen.
I know you feel
something for me.
You just won't admit it.
Now you won't have to change
for anybody or say
goodbye to anyone.
I can give you more
than he can.
♪ I love it when
we're all alone-- ♪
Really?
Watch it, a-hole.
Hey, sorry, but I'm just wonderin'
how you guys are doing.
We're doing fine! Do you
want to leave us alone here?
Hey, come on. So are you
guys a couple or what?
No! Trying to work on that!
God damn it.
Come on, Jacob.
You guys look great together.
Tell us what's going on. Someone just
said they spotted the two of you
canoodling at boa's
the other night.
Hey, give us the goods.
So Jake, you all right
getting Eddie's cheese?
Really, huh? You want to talk about cheese?
How about that?
Hey.
Oh my God. This house is amazing. I
just took the biggest dump upstairs.
- What are you doing here?
- Someone told me something
about an all-you-can-eat buffet
catered by red lobster.
Congrats, Bella.
I made you a little something.
That is so sweet.
Thanks, Jacob.
Ooh, sorry.
I mean-- ahem--
I have a six-pack.
So it is true.
Ugh, I'll be right back.
What did you see?
The decision's been made.
- What does that mean?
- Not going to Seattle.
They're coming here.
Ah-hh!
Sorry.
Imprint.
They'll be here in four days,
but not before
stopping off at ihop
for all-you-can-eat
pancakes.
How do you know all this?
I follow her tweets.
"Just had the most amazing
dinner at the brewery.
Can't wait for ihop all-you-can-eat
before killing Bella."
- This could turn into a bloodbath.
- Who's behind it?
I didn't see anyone
I recognized.
- Maybe one.
- I know his face.
Ronald steers. He just
friended me on Facebook.
Look, bottom line is
there's an army coming here
and there's not enough
of us to stop them.
Wait. What--
what damn army?
Come on, dude.
Noobs.
Okay?
Our kind.
They're coming
straight for Bella.
They got her scratch-and-sniff
vagina scent
from this
"ebony thunder" magazine.
So what does that mean?
It's like a really good
magazine-- 10 issues for $9.95.
It means there'll be an
ugly fight with lives lost.
But we'll probably get to wear
some really cool outfits. - Yes.
All right.
We're in.
No. You'll get yourselves
killed, no way.
I wasn't asking permission.
- Edward.
- It means more protection for you.
We'll all need some training.
Fighting noobs requires
knowledge that Jasper has.
Ah, yes. Yes.
You're welcome to join us.
All right.
I like to do things.
Name the time and the place.
This is all happening...
Because of me.
I'm the center of it all!
God, I'm the best!
Ah! Whoo!
Me, me, me, me--
we had to prepare
for what was coming,
which meant another h.P.V.
Inoculation
and a 30-day supply
of tucks.
Thank you.
Well, I studied.
What is that?
Oh, it's just a graduation
present from Jake.
Don't worry.
I can't eat white cake.
Gives me really bad gas.
I mean, literally the minute I
eat it, I just start ripping.
It smells really bad.
Kind of like a coyote carcass
that's been left on the side
of the road for nine months
with a side of melted
gruyere cheese.
Or kind of like
an underground
turkish sewer system
after a gay pride parade
in the month of July--
or like I just ate
a llama's dump after--
okay, I get it!
It stinks.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, let's go.
Sorry we're late, guys.
Jacob got his dick stuck
in the pool heater again.
Took us a while to get it out.
What?
It felt really good.
- Damn good.
- We know, man.
- We know.
- It was fun.
Anyways, welcome.
Jasper has experience
with noobs.
Hell yeah.
He'll teach us how to defeat them.
Well, how are you vampires
different from those noobs?
They wanna know how
we differ from the noobs.
Ahh...
They're a lot more
powerful than we are.
Not only do they have
human tissue in their blood,
- they all juice up.
- Like on steroids?
No, like minute-maid, moron!
Carlisle! Can we
please just kill her
so we can live the rest of
our lives in peace? Please.
Unfortunately for our kind, the
first few months of this life
are our most powerful.
Let me show you some
of their recent activities.
This should be good.
I hate these.
It's worth seeing, guys.
Sorry.
Is that a "b" or "p"?
- It's a "p".
- It's a "p", honey.
I think "b".
It was a "p".
Fuck!
Sorry.
Anyway,
Jasper's gonna teach us
how to fight these monsters.
- Jasper?
- Thank you, Carlisle.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the two most important things
about taking down noobs
are as follows--
number one, do not let them
come at you from behind.
Keep your assholes tight.
They will get in, they will slip
in like my Uncle Chris slipped in!
Number two, do not let them
fondle your nuts!
They love nuts. It's one of
their top three favorite foods
that are also body parts.
They love them.
I've seen it. Okay?
Rosalie.
Don't hold back.
Never.
Don't be blonde.
That was rule number zero. I
just didn't say it. Alice!
I love you so much!
Jasper.
Lick dog ass!
Who's next?!
Who's next?!
- Oh crap. Just go.
- Just run. Run.
Mighty Joe young
ain't got nothing on me!
Whoever said that silk
tastes like regular milk
is completely full of shit.
Screw this diet.
Jesus.
So what's the plan here,
paleface?
Well, this field will be
an advantage in battle.
We need to lure the noobs
here with Bella's scent.
This will end here.
Edward and I are going
to a campsite on Saturday.
But even if he carries me,
they'll still pick up my scent.
Your scent, however,
is revolting.
What's that supposed to mean?
Ooh.
Oh, it's a good one.
Sharp!
Well, maybe-- maybe
just a test sample.
Okay. What Edward means
is that if you carry me,
your scent will mask mine.
So let's do a test run
for Saturday.
All right.
Let's do this.
Three--
--two, one.
Okay, sorry.
Sorry.
Oh!
- Um...
- We'll get there.
We'll get there.
Even though it was
Edward's idea,
he really wasn't a fan of me
spending time with Jacob.
I'd just wish
he'd finally understand
that my feelings for him
are way stronger
than my feelings for Jacob.
Well, except when Jacob
sweats between his breasts.
I enjoy that.
They're fun.
I call them my fun bags.
Hey.
You want a sandwich?
No, I'm good.
Dad, I was wondering.
Hmm?
Why didn't you ever
get married after mom?
Well, uh...
Actually I almost did,
sweetheart.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah.
His name was Frank.
He had the hottest eight-pack
I'd ever seen in my life.
He loved tennis
as much as I did.
On the weekend,
we go to palm Springs
and get one of those rooms
with two queens for $69.69.
We'd go antiquing,
take the skytram, ass hump.
Oh gross, dad.
Why don't you just tell me
some more about the skytram?
Of course, I'm sorry.
Skytram is when I get nude
and stand on the bed
and he lies on the floor
and jerks off.
If he shoots a load
up in the air
and I catch it in my mouth,
we both yell out
"skytram!"
Oh, wow, that's really gross.
I should have just asked
you about antiquing.
Oh. Well, that's
when you skytram
with an 85-year-old man.
Okay, dad, can I just
ask you something, please?
Anything.
- Do you believe in marriage?
- Of course. Why?
Is there something
you want to tell me?
Were you not careful, Bella?
What?
Look, there are things
you need to know
before you become
physically intimate.
Okay, dad. Mom already had
this talk with me so--
uh-hmm.
Look, sweetheart.
This isn't a game. You need to
know what sex is all about.
Now a man has a penis
and a woman...
Has a vagina.
Some women have
very big vaginas.
- Dad!
- Too technical? Okay.
Now once insertion is achieved,
the man and woman
begin humping each other.
Could you guys
demonstrate, please?
Dad! Edward is not
interested in sex.
- Get out of here.
- No, he's not. I'm serious.
No, I mean it. Get out of here. You're wasting
my time then. I've got business to do.
Go.
I'm sorry. My daughter
has a huge vagina.
Like, gaping.
Hey, anybody up
for a little antiquing?
You guys up? Have you
heard of skytramming?
I can't believe
we have the whole house
- to ourselves for the night.
- Pretty cool.
There's a bed?
Thought you might
need one to sleep in.
Okay, I wanna
ask you something.
Anything.
Marriage is the condition for you
to change me yourself, right?
- Yes.
- Okay.
I wanna negotiate
my own condition.
Anything you want, it's yours.
You promise?
Yes.
- Put this on.
- What?
- Please?
- Why?
Thought it might be fun.
For you, anything.
Okay. This too.
Uh...
How's this?
Oh, it's perfect.
Okay, um,
now call me your bitch.
What? I can't--
oh, oh, okay. Uh, how about ho?
Can you say ho?
No, that's not
how I was raised--
oh-hh!
You're my motherfucking bitch!
Ooh!
You're my goddamn ho!
Oh yeah. Okay, now talk
about my milky-white ass.
I love your
milky-white ass.
Oh, yes, that is so good.
Oh, give me your
chocolate pole, lebron.
Okay okay okay, stop.
I-- I can't do this.
What? It's just
a little roleplay.
- I'm out, I'm out.
- It's just for f--
okay, I'm sorry.
Let's just be us--
you and me?
You're the hottest thing
around here anyway.
♪ One day ♪
♪ no more pain-- ♪
Oh oh, whoa. Okay, what--
what-- what are you doing?
Oh, just go with it, Edward. I'm
gonna make you feel so good.
♪ One day, no more-- ♪
Oh, ow! Whoa, okay. I-- I
can't let you do that.
Bella, Bella, Bella,
I'm not ready.
Aren't you
attracted to me, Edward?
I mean, we can
work through this.
I can get liposuction
or I can breast implants,
or shave my roast beef.
I mean, whatever you want.
No, bell-- I'm attracted
to you, Bella.
It's just I--
do you have the most enhanced
breasts in the world?
- Does that help?
- Nope.
Please direct your
attention to stage seven
and let's give a big
body shop welcome
to Bella.
Try stuffing this
in your fire crotch.
Thanks, mister.
Really?
Here.
Drink that.
- Nothing.
- God damn it!
What the hell
is wrong with you?
Any guy would give his left nut
to be nailing me right now.
Nailing me fucking hard!
You know what?
Screw yourself.
Thanks a lot, fuck-snort.
I lost my wood.
You're not coming with us?
It'll be a last-minute decision.
I told you how it works.
The cullens have powers.
Don't underestimate them,
Ronald.
You'll have the numbers,
but they'll be able to
anticipate your every move.
According to your friend.
Yes.
My dead friend--
Gary Coleman.
He found out about the
things they could do,
so they killed him.
But not before
he told me about--
hey, looks like you two
have become quite the couple.
- Fuck.
- What?
No, seriously. You guys are
like a vampire version
of Bonnie and Clyde.
It's so cool.
All right.
Do-- do you mind?
No, I get it.
You want your privacy.
But tell me, is the sex better
as a vampire or as a human?
Oh, come on, Ronny.
Don't be shy, man.
Come on, what's the deal?
Is she not giving it up?
- Would you-- no comment.
- Come on.
Oh, shit. She's not
giving it up, is she?
You're a vampire virgin.
Aww, little Ronny's
a vampire virgin!
All right, stop it!
We mess around, okay?
We do everything but.
You know, we just dry humped
like half an hour ago.
Whoa.
Dry humping. Wow.
That's some real
Jonas brothers shit, right?
- Get off me!
- What?
Why don't you give each other
promise rings
and jerk each other off?
I didn't do anything.
You are on thin ice.
- Victoria.
- No.
Don't you think you're
going a little overboard?
If this is all I have to
contribute, I want to be thorough.
- Thorough about what?
- Hey, Jacob.
Alice says there's a storm
coming through tonight.
Yeah yeah.
I can feel it.
I definitely have maximum
shrinkage going on.
Oh, this needs ketchup.
Ooh.
Chipotle.
I'll meet you up there
in a couple hours.
- Ready to go, milady?
- Yeah, yes.
All right, you know what to do.
Got it.
And now-- oh my God!
- Did you gain weight?
- Did you lose muscle?
I'm protecting you.
Ready?
Ahh! That's one.
Yeah, they're not gonna
follow me after that.
Ooh, Jesus, is that
really necessary?
You wanna be safe, don't you?
Um, Ronald? I'm not too
strong of a swimmer.
Neither am I.
I was taking lessons at the y
and my teacher got gonorrhea.
She had to move back to Kansas.
I don't know how to swim,
and I have a vagina.
Enough!
We will figure it out.
Such babies.
Oh Christ, so sorry!
Oh my God!
No worries.
You're gonna really wanna
hurry up there, sweet tits.
Those vampires
are hot on your ass.
Oh, we're almost there.
Awesome.
- Almost got it.
- God, this is hard.
Oh my God.
Let me know when you want
me to jump off, girl.
We're almost there.
Whew.
That burn.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Thank you.
- It was no problem.
We ran into a small
stumbling block
a few Miles down,
but we made it through.
You should probably head
back before the storm hits.
Nah, I'm good.
I think I'm gonna
camp out here tonight.
Besides, I have a dove bar.
Why are you staying here?
'Cause I like to watch.
Let's get you inside the tent.
I'm sorry, sweetie,
I wish there was
something I could do.
It's okay, I'm fine.
Guys, we've got a problem.
Did anybody bring hot sauce?
'Cause this burrito is dry--
whoa, Bella, are you all right?
We're all right, Jacob.
Just leave us alone.
- She doesn't look fine.
- Leave us alone, man.
Hey, this isn't about
you and me, Edward.
This is about Bella.
Come to terms with it, man.
I'm just hotter than you.
You serious?
Keep it clean.
Hey, you got it.
Keep it clean.
Oh yeah.
Really really clean.
I gotta say, Jacob--
I mean,
if the situation
wasn't what it is...
I think we'd probably
be friends.
I know it's weird, but I...
...I think
you're a good guy.
Good, good-- a nice guy.
I-- I mean,
uh, I think...
Your intentions seem to be
in the right place.
It's-- damn it,
man, I mean...
Is it our fault
that our ancestors
have been feuding
for centuries?
Pile-drive me!
- I like you Jacob and...
- I need energy.
- ...I'd like to start over with you.
- Oh God!
Maybe catch a movie,
grab a coffee.
- Road trip to Vegas?
- Ah!
It's crazy.
Vampire, wolf boy,
hanging out, right?
No, I know. I know, right?
But think about it.
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
We could change things for our
kind for future generations.
Oh Buddha.
Fucking-a, man,
we can make a difference.
What do you say?
Wanna go to palm Springs?
Did you have
a good night's sleep?
Yeah, it was good.
I gotta say,
Jacob's not half bad.
I mean, he's a real,
genuine, trustworthy gentleman.
It's hard to find that
in someone these days.
I told you.
Nah.
Oh my God,
these woods are amazing.
I just took the biggest dump
next to poison sumac!
O.M.G.!
We've been totally
looking for you guys.
Hello, Laverne, Shirley.
We called you guys
like, a million times.
We posted, like, a gazillion
messages on your wall.
We sexted nude pictures
to Jasper like, every day.
I did not put that picture
as my desktop profile
picture. I did not.
Listen, ladies, we're a
little busy right now.
Of course, blow us off again, Carlisle.
We're used to it.
You seemed to have
plenty of time for us
during the last exam
of our vaginas.
Okay, girls, honestly.
We're about to go
into battle here.
Look, cut the bullshit.
Are you adopting us or not?
Unfortunately, no.
Well, fuck you, Cullen family.
Fuck you hard.
You wanna go now?
Did anyone notice they kinda
looked a little similar?
What the fuck, hmm?
I thought you knew
where we were going!
Recalculating route.
Damn GPS!
The noobs will be forced to
enter from the east side.
We'll wait until they get
halfway across the battlefield
and then we'll strike, but only
on my command. You got it?
- Right.
- On my command!
You have reached
your destination.
Okay, let's do this.
Lee-Roy-yy
Jenkins!
- Emmet, you moron!
- God damn it.
- Ooh!
- That's enough!
Enough!
- We want them!
- Oh hell no!
It's starting.
He says it's starting.
They're planking.
And now they're owling.
It's really gay.
Oh my God, they're owling.
That is so gay.
Jacob just arrived.
He's marking his territory.
Still going. Still going.
Anybody still going?
Someone's hurt?
She's close.
I can hear her thoughts.
Something about
needing a Brazilian wax
because she's getting major
chaffage when she runs.
Seth, go!
She found us.
She's not alone.
Oh God.
Ronald, listen to me.
Victoria is just using you
to distract me.
She knows I'll kill you.
In fact, she'll be happy
to not have
to deal with you anymore.
Don't listen to him, Ronald.
I told you about
his mind tricks.
Don't keep distracted.
Keep watching. Keep watching.
Oh, which one it could be? Whoa,
whoa, here we go. Here we go.
- Oh, son of a bitch!
- Ha!
Oh my goodness.
You're fucking dead!
You won't get another
chance like this again!
You want her.
You want me to feel
the pain you felt
when I killed James,
when I tore him to pieces,
when I turned him to ash,
when I smoked him out of a bong
and gave everyone a contact high
at an Enrique iglesias concert.
Where are you going?
Aggh!
Get over here.
Take this.
You, where do you think
you're going?
- Yeah.
- Don't do it.
Bella!
Don't do it.
Oh, your girlfriend's bleeding.
Come on!
Oh, I hate you so much.
So much.
Mmm...
Huh.
- Want one?
- No.
Oh, Jesus Christ, it's bad!
That's really-- oh my God,
that's really bad.
Oh, it's so bad it smells like
coyote carcass with melted gruyere
that's been left on the side of
the highway for nine months.
So bad-- oh, it smells
like a turkish sewer system
after a gay pride parade
in the month of July.
Oh, oh, so bad, it smells like
you ate a llama's dump
after it just--
okay yeah, I know,
I know. It smells bad.
- Hey, there they are.
- Love the llama's dump line.
That was really good.
Congratulations.
Impressive. I've never seen
a small group like yours
defeat a large army
like theirs.
- We were lucky.
- I doubt that.
Luck is when you have
a six showing
and the dealer shows
a king and you hit
and pull up a four and a queen.
Or when you bet exacta box
on two 50-1 horses
and they come in win and place.
Or if you take grambling
over Southern,
but you have to lay 10 and cover
on a last-second hail Mary.
- We're gonna have to off all of you.
- Excuse me?
It'll be quick.
You won't feel a thing.
Oh, crap!
- "Storage wars" is on in five.
- What? No one TiVo'd it?
I'd like to commend you all
on a job well done
and hope to see you at Edward
and Bella's wedding next month.
Mazel!
Married?!
You two are getting married?
Jacob, you knew
this day was coming.
By my bronzed body.
Ah-ha.
Call off the wedding
or I'll take my life.
Jacob, put the knife down.
This does not qualify
as an emergency situation.
- Call it off.
- Just put the knife down and we'll talk, okay?
Hey, what's up, Jacob?
How you feel about the
conflict in the middle east?
You kidding me? Get the hell
out of here, you asshole.
Oh, dude.
Dude, I'm sorry.
My abs.
My glorious abs!
To Edward and Bella!
- You have something--
- huh?
- You have something right here.
- What?
You've got a goddamn booger
hanging from your nose
- and it's fucking gross!
- Sorry.
No measure of time with you
would be long enough,
but we'll start with...
Forever.
Ah-hh!
Skytram!
It's impossible.
You're pregnant?
No, you idiot.
Oh Christ.
God, it's a really
bad case of the shits.
God, I knew I shouldn't have
taken those stupid shrimp tacos
from that guadalajaran
street vendor last night.
You're definitely
pregnant, Bella.
There's only one
slight inconsistency.
The results of
the blood test reveal
that the baby's DNA doesn't
exactly match that of Edward's.
What?
That's impossible.
Not according to science.
Well, then whose is it?
Daddy's home, bitches!
Everyone, David here, and I'm
about to watch the new trailer
for the "twilight" saga
"eclipse" movie.
We're about
to watch it, people.
Should we hold hands? We've
always held hands before.
We probably should.
Very true.
"The following preview has been
approved for appropriate audiences."
I'm so nervous.
Excuse me if I start screaming.
Oh my God.
- No. No no no.
- Oh...
- No no no.
- ...My...
...God.
Oh my God!
Did you see that?
- Oh my God.
- Holy shit!
Oh, Alice--!
New "eclipse" clip. New "eclipse" clip.
New "eclipse" clip.
New "eclipse" clip.
New "eclipse" clip.
New "eclipse" clip!
I'm gonna watch it
because I need to watch it.
I've been waiting to all--
well, not all day,
but most of today to watch it.
And I really can't wait anymore
because apparently
it's got the volturi in it.
I love the volturi.
Oh my God.
"Eclipse" clip!
Oh my God. No...
I'm looking right now
at the page and I can watch
the trailer now
and I'm so nervous!
Oh my God.
I can't wait.
Oh my God, it's the volturi!
Oh my God!
Oh my God.
It's amazing!
And I love
the part where--
the "twilight" trailer--
I love the whole part!
The whole thing!
I love the whole thing!
Oh my God!
Why have they not
leaked more? Okay?
Do they not know
that "twilight" fans
need more?!
We need more!
More. Please.
Hi. More, please.
I love this already.
I've just seen it.
I'm crying
because it was so good.
I've got no voice because
I've spent the last day--
I'm gonna go book a ticket
for tomorrow morning
'cause I need to see it again.
Oh my God, oh my God. I've just
seen it for the fifth time.
I saw it four times yesterday
and I've just gotten home
after seeing it for the fifth
time and I am totally exhausted.
And I'm never gonna get
sick of this film ever.
It's just not gonna happen.
No, it's not gonna happen.
No, it's not.
I fucking love this film!
I fucking love this film!
I fucking loved
every single minute of it
and I didn't get kicked out,
which is actually
quite a surprise to me
because that's normally what would
happen, to be totally honest with you.
Oh my God, I have to go and see it
again and again and again and again.
I don't even have
any other words.
And I'm tired,
yet I'm still hyper
and I've never really
done that before.
And I'm eating jaffa cakes
for no apparent reason.
No reason.
No.
No reason.
Bye.
♪ The closer you are ♪
♪ the better I am ♪
♪ I wanna spend my life ♪
♪ with you ♪
♪ let's take a chance ♪
♪ go somewhere
we've never been ♪
♪ it's cold, it's cold,
it's cold outside ♪
♪ in here, in here,
it's warm with you ♪
♪ it's cold, it's cold,
it's cold outside ♪
♪ in here, in here,
it's warm... ♪
No.
Oh no.
Oh God, no.
No.
Son of a bitch!
Son of a bitch!
Oh God, why?
Oh-- God.
- Ah yeah.
- No.
Cut!
...how much
you mean to me.
Made you a little something. Made you a little something.
Made you a little something.
Oh my God.
I like to watch.
I like to watch.
Your vagina feels so good.
I can fuckin' do this
all night.
- Caliente?
- Oh, muy mucho!
I don't know Spanish!
Ah, excuse me.
Oh, uh, he sharted himself.
And action.
It'll be fun.
We'll have a chalupa truck,
a petting zoo
and we'll drink some blood.
Is that Japan?
Is that Japan there?
They will take your ass.
They will take your property
like they're playing risk.
Oh sorry.
Who's next, pussies?!
I killed my wife!
Shut up. Just shut
that lying face.
We need to rework
our voting system.
I feel like it was flawed.
He's nailing her good. She's
taking it like your mom used to.
- I'm proud of you, mom.
- Cut.
I'm good with one.
Ah-hh.
I'm a giver.
Ah-hh.
"Taiwanese" means
"two hookers" anyway.
Two hookers, two hookers.
What the fuck?!
What the fuck?!
What the fuck?!
Ahh!
Ahh-hah!
Ah-ha-ha.
I wish all vampires
had such control.
You know what I mean? You know what I mean?
You know what I mean?
I do.
Yeah, it'll be fun.
We'll have a chalupa truck,
a petting zoo and, uh...
- Whatever.
- ...Whatever.
You can just call it on the fly.
Nice.
Huh?
Alice, don't be angry because
you're too tight to do anal.
- Action.
- God.
Knife-in-my-chest,
this hurts.
Hold that backdrop.
Ow.
Are you okay?
I quit!
- Quiel, you too?
- Yup, finally made the pack.
- Ahh.
- No thanks.
That feels really good, huh?
Oh yeah, it does.
♪ He said the fault is mine ♪
♪ he said I shouldn't lie ♪
♪ I say he's out of his mind ♪
♪ I said he'd make me cry ♪
♪ he said he's tried his best ♪
♪ he says I shouldn't jest ♪
♪ I say he's out of his mind ♪
♪ I said he'd make me cry,
make me cry ♪
♪ I should've known
when we got through ♪
♪ with all assured,
life still wasn't good ♪
♪ I gave it all
and then some more ♪
♪ I tried and now
I'm locked in ♪
♪ doors, stuck with you ♪
♪ can see outside,
what a wonderful view ♪
♪ locked inside,
I don't belong ♪
♪ lost inside, my way out is ♪
♪ long ♪
♪ time with you ♪
♪ can see outside,
what a wonderful view ♪
♪ locked inside,
I don't belong ♪
♪ lost inside, my way out is ♪
♪ long ♪
♪ he said I bitch too much ♪
♪ I said the drugs his clutch ♪
♪ I know he's out of his mind ♪
♪ I said he'd make me cry ♪
♪ he said that he could quit ♪
♪ he lied and took a hit ♪
♪ I know he's out of mind ♪
♪ I said he'd make me cry,
make me cry ♪
♪ I should've known
when we got through ♪
♪ with all assured,
life still wasn't good ♪
♪ I gave it all
and then some more ♪
♪ I tried and now
I'm locked in ♪
♪ doors, stuck with you ♪
♪ can see outside,
what a wonderful view ♪
♪ locked inside,
I don't belong ♪
♪ lost inside, my way out is ♪
♪ long ♪
♪ time with you ♪
♪ can see outside,
what a wonderful view ♪
♪ locked inside,
I don't belong ♪
♪ lost inside, my way out is ♪
♪ long ♪
♪ yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ yeah yeah ♪
♪ he said he's glad I cried ♪
♪ I said,
"your brain's so fried" ♪
♪ I know he's out of his mind ♪
♪ I said he'd make me cry,
make me cry ♪
♪ I should've known
when we got through ♪
♪ with all assured,
life still wasn't good ♪
♪ I gave it all
and then some more ♪
♪ I tried and now
I'm locked in ♪
♪ doors, stuck with you ♪
♪ can see outside,
what a wonderful view ♪
♪ locked inside,
I don't belong... ♪
Oh my God.
Jesus Christ, that reeks.
- Jesus!
- I'm sorry!