Breaking Barbi (2018) Movie Script

Subtitles by explosiveskull

In

case you were wondering

how I wound up in this

farcical situation,

let me catch you up.

My name is Barbra Dolly Brennan.

My parents named me after Barbra

Streisand and Dolly Parton,

their favorite singers.

I'm a cosplayer, model,

blogger, and fitness goddess.

What is that, you ask?

What are you, a hermit?

It means I spend my days

doing selfies, posing,

and doing endless videos

of my ass doing squats.

Endless squats.

Hundreds of squats.

Thousands of squats.

You can find me at

Breaking underscore Barbi.

Sounds easy but it's

actually really hard.

It means that anything I do

suddenly turns into a

photo shoot, a video opp,

or an opportunity for a collab.

This type of work comes

with a major downside,

meeting a nice guy.

You have to be choosy, you know.

I mean, like, what if

I'm seen with a guy

that doesn't even have at

least 10,000 followers?

That would be unthinkable.

I have my reputation.

And then I met Jake.

250,000 followers.

Plenty of water.

Got the first aid kit in

case of any emergency.

- Got bandages.

- OMG, he is

- so fire.

- Ointment, wet wipes.

- Food rations.

- I wonder how many hash tags

I can fit into this post.

Sunscreen.

Lip ointment.

Antibacterial gel.

Flashlight.

He asked

me to go hiking with him

on our first date.

I just can't even.

Antibacterial gel.

Flashlight.

Compass.

Extra battery.

Security blanket.

- He's so into this!

- Rope and tackle.

Look at all those

cute things he brought.

And most importantly,

a radio and GPS tracker

so we can't get lost

and we can call for help

in case of an emergency.

- I

- totes need a selfie.

Oh, like right now.

Selfie.

- My turn.

- Jessica will be

totally jelly when she

sees me with this guy.

All right, I think

that's everything.

You ready?

You better believe it.

Yep.

You wanna do a last check?

We're gonna be up

there for a while.

- I

- have everything I need

right here, baby.

Don't need this.

Lip gloss, headset, mud mask.

And a little something

for the hot tub.

I'm good.

All right, let's do this.

Did I

tell her how cute she looks?

Hey, can I, can I

put my keys on you?

Yeah, sure.

I'm glad you swiped right.

It's really hard to find

girls that like to free-climb.

What the

hell is he talking about?

Oh, my profile.

I thought free-climbing

was some sort of sex thing.

Well, when the app

asked for what level,

I obviously wrote expert.

Gosh.

Oh.

This is pretty

hardcore, even for me.

Wait, is he serious?

I thought we were gonna

take some cute selfies

and go back to his place.

We could've started

with something simpler,

but I mean, I'm sure at your

level this is a piece of cake.

Way to go, Barbs.

You're gonna get

yourself killed.

Was that a pterodactyl?

OMG, I'm so gonna die.

I mean, anything can

happen out there.

I can be eaten by a

bear, fall of a cliff,

butt-raped by aliens, dragged

away by wolves, anything!

Let's go.

And

I just got these shoes.

Ugh, just look at that butt.

He definitely

doesn't skip leg day.

Totally worth it.

No sweat.

- I

- hope he eats pineapple.

Aw, that's so sweet.

She's going slow

and waiting for me.

Aw, he's so sweet.

OMG, it is pineapple!

Mm!

- I

- can't wait to invite her

to my mansion in Hawaii.

This isn't so bad,

but I could totally go

for a latte right now.

You

know, I'm gonna slow down

and let her get ahead of me,

so if she falls I can catch her.

Everything about her is perfect.

I hope

there's a Starbucks up there

or something.

- I

- can see myself spending

the rest of my life

with this girl.

Phew,

almost at the top.

Sure hope we're not

going down that way.

Whew!

Jake?

There's no signal up here.

Jake?

What are you doing down there?

Ugh, there's no signal up here!

Ugh.

Maybe

there's some signal,

mm, over here.

Whoa!

Jake?

Are you okay?

O!

M!

G!

Did I just kill the

hottest guy ever?

I didn't know about the rock.

I mean, I didn't

put the rock there.

The rock, who put

the rock there?

Like, Mother Nature and stuff.

It's not my fault.

I didn't do it.

It's not me.

I would never do that.

Now I'm totally lost.

No signal, no date,

no food, no water.

Didn't see this bag of dicks

coming straight at my face.

This is insane!

I can't believe I'm out here.

And the worst part is I can't

upload these amazing selfies.

Why don't they put cell

towers out here or something?

Ugh, ugh, like, no

signal anywhere.

I mean, if you're gonna

be banished up here,

you're gonna wind up

dead anyway soon, right?

Figures.

I bet all my friends are

worried sick about me.

It's not bad.

It could be worse, right?

I mean, like, I'm

getting back to nature.

I'm becoming like zen and stuff.

Ugh, my feet are killing me.

Wow, this is a great

location for squat videos.

I mean, look at this place.

I can totally make

so much content here.

Oh, oh no.

Oh no, oh no, oh no.

Oh god.

I hope there's like some,

some signal up here.

There's no way, oh, no way.

This is, this is

not happening to me.

No, this is not happening

to me right now.

Come on, signal,

come on, come on!

God, oh god, this can't be!

Oh, oh, I'm not, no!

Oh!

Body, you can't do

this to me right now!

Oh goodness, oh, oh, oh!

How did the savages do it?

Oh!

I'm not gonna be

like a barbarian,

but I don't think

I have any choice.

Oh, what am I gonna do?

Toilet paper, mm!

Leaves.

Okay, okay, maybe I

could use some of these.

Right here, okay.

Now, now I need to find a spot.

Oh!

I can't wait any longer!

Oh, I need a spot, oh!

What about right here?

Yes, this looks fine.

Okay, all right.

Pants down.

Okay.

Oh, that's so good.

Woo!

Yes.

Woo!

My pants feel looser now!

Oh, I feel so cleansed.

I guess it's not such

a bad day after all.

Feel so fresh.

I once saw some TV show about

this guy in the woods and junk

and he would just find stuff

that would help him survive.

I wish I paid attention to it,

but he was like so hot

and I really didn't

understand a word he said.

Hm, I wonder if I could

find him out here.

Maybe I could get a ride.

He's always got like a

helicopter or something.

Ew, is that a spider?

I hate spiders!

Ugh, this place so

needs a cleaning!

Where are the park maids?

Ew!

I hate this place!

I hate nature!

I wonder if this

place has bears in it.

I mean, it looks

like a bear place,

and if I was a bear, I'd

totally hang out here.

Hey, is this where the

WeHo Bear Club hangs out?

What the!

You're gonna burn in

hell for what you did!

Three years cardio kickboxing!

Whoa, cool your jets, turbo.

I, uh, was looking

for someone else.

Gonna need this for later.

You gonna kill some peanut

butter sandwiches with that?

I lost my weapon.

I woke up and it was gone, okay?

I'm looking for someone.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa,

whoa whoa whoa, I totally

found him like that.

He was at the bottom of the hill

and the blood and the rock

was already on top of him

and I was totally gonna go

down there and help him out,

but you know, I'm wearing

high-heel sneakers

- and I can't go down there...

- Found who?

Nobody.

Are you the police?

Police.

No.

I'm Homeland Security.

Oh.

Whew.

What happened to your head?

It's nothing.

I'm looking for someone.

Have you seen this woman?

That is the worst

selfie I have ever seen.

You need to learn better angles.

You can make yourself look

about 10 pounds lighter.

And you need a

filter too because I

could totally see pores.

So you haven't seen her?

OMG!

You get cellphone

service out here?

Who is your carrier?

Nassau.

Are they good?

Stellar.

Interstellar.

Because I can't get

a single bar out here.

Are their roaming rates okay?

Astronomical, but

we're subsidized.

Wow.

Excuse me.

- Hm?

- Sir.

My sit rep is as follows.

Agent Vicky is still MIA.

The package is recovered.

Mm-hm.

I'm wounded but able.

The situation...

Is FUBAR.

No, no no no no no no.

No, Bogley shot

down the transport.

Requesting recovery team.

They are everywhere!

Send in Agent Radcliff.

Roger that, sir.

So I'm not in trouble?

Are you an illegal alien?

Six eyes, tentacles?

I'm from Texas.

Close enough.

I can't believe you

get signal out here.

I've been looking for

signal for like an hour.

God, I wish I had some

water or something.

You sound like you're

totally choking.

Oh, do you think if I get

higher up the mountain,

like I could get a signal there?

You know what?

Can I borrow your

cellphone to...

Hello?

So you haven't seen her?

No!

Creepy much?

Just like I need a,

I need a new phone or something.

This one's terrible.

Hey, do you know how to

get

out of here?

I have

like 3.4 million followers.

I have millions of likes,

collaborations, sponsorships.

I spend all my

time showing people

what a perfect and

sexy life I have.

And I have no real friends.

I don't have any real friends.

I don't spend time with anyone.

All my friends are

social media friends.

There is literally

no one out there

that gives a damn about me.

If I don't upload

for a few days,

everyone will

forget I even exist,

and there is a new face already

poised to take my place.

Uh-huh.

I hate Jessica!

Her makeup is

always so on point!

Well, sure she looks

like ass in real life

without all her filters.

Totally met her at a meetup,

and I laughed so

hard when I saw her.

What a dumb hoe.

She shouldn't show

her face in public

when she uses all those tricks

to make her skin all flawless

and all those camera angles to

make herself look all skinny.

She is a walking lie,

and I can't even post

that pic of me and Jake.

R.I.P.

He was so lit.

I am so hungry.

If I don't eat

something like soon,

I'll start losing

all my booty gains.

Bag of dicks.

Oh, mushrooms.

Non-GMO, gluten-free, and

totally organic, right?

I mean, you can't

get much fresher

than straight out of

the forest, right?

Smells like shiitake.

I, I wish I could look it up.

Dammit!

Well, what if I just try one?

I can always make

myself throw up, right?

I'm like great at vomit.

I practiced in high school.

No way Suzie Baker was

gonna be thinner than me.

That bitch.

Hm, tastes pretty good.

I'm like so paleo right now.

Just like that raw vegan

place I tried last month.

Ugh, I'm like a total

savage barbarian right now.

Oh!

A unicorn.

Take me to that rainbow.

Whoa!

Pretty colors!

Get out of the way!

You're gonna get

yourself killed!

Do you know how to get

to grandma's house?

I don't know where

your grandma is.

What's wrong with you?

Did you eat something out here?

Are you hungry?

I have muffins and cookies.

Uh,

I only

eat gluten-free cookies.

Give those to your grandma.

Um...

Hey Mister Wolf, did

you see what I just saw?

Was that Little Red Riding Hood?

It

sure was, Barbi.

I think that was

Little Red Riding Hood.

What do you think?

You're far

more delicious though.

Have you seen Agent Mahoney?

Tall, bald, glasses.

The better to see me with!

They must have no vision

in the pink spectrum!

They can't see pink.

Sir, I have discovered a

fault in their technology.

It can change the course

of our whole battle.

Alert Agent Radcliff that

the aliens cannot see pink.

Oh, pretty!

Okay,

I'm starting to suspect

that those were not

gluten-free mushrooms,

because I haven't

tripped balls like this

since that weekend freshman

year in the Hamptons

when Jessica stole my

first serious boyfriend.

What was his name again?

I mean, we were like totally

destined to be together.

He was so rough and tough,

just like a hot barbarian.

I would've given him

so many followers,

but he chose Jessica and

all he got was herpes.

OMG, is that him,

what's-his-nuts?

He looks so much

better in a loincloth.

Antibiotics do wonders.

Check out this cute outfit.

I have a sword, armored boobs!

Looking good, Barbi.

Hm.

This looks sharp.

This hallucination

is like so lit.

That's right.

Sploosh.

You're gonna need a lot more

water to put out this fire.

Mm-hm.

Man, my abs look amazing.

Why

did we break up again?

I totally can't remember.

I bet she wants me.

If

this gets any hotter,

I'm gonna need a boat.

Check it, uh-huh.

Call that a sword?

I'll

call it anything you want.

Wait, what just happened?

BARBARIAN

VOICEOVER: Mm, baby!

Wait, what?

Hail to the king.

Well

this escalated quickly.

Oh, he's serious.

Maybe he means

somebody back there.

Nope, just me.

Well, I didn't get

all fantasy dressed up

for nothing, I guess.

And I have this sword,

so my brain must've known

something like this would happen.

Gonna make her work for it.

This chick's gonna ruin my pump!

Your

pump looks just fine to me.

I could totally take him.

I know what he likes.

She slapped my ass.

I kinda like it.

Oh,

we're still doing this.

When did foreplay

become so hard?

- I

- knew I shouldn't have taken

my pre-workout pill early.

I'm so glad

I've been doing yoga classes.

They really keep

me nice and loose.

I can totally hold my own.

I always could.

Not to mention I look

amazing with this hand.

- I

- wonder if she saw that lion

that I killed last week.

Oh, yeah.

What I

love about this fantasy is that

Jessica would never look

as good as I do in this.

I mean, have you

seen this hotness?

Man,

that's a nice loincloth.

I wonder if she's

wearing underwear.

Wait, am I?

This barbarian fantasy

is so much better

than the light show.

Ha, gotcha!

But

that was my favorite sword.

Aw.

I'm sad.

Oh come on!

You're finished already?

But I'm not done yet!

- I

- don't wanna fight you anyway.

I can get your sword.

- It's like right there.

- Stupid girl.

I'll give

you a hand and everything.

I'll go get it for you.

Wait, come back!

Ugh, it's like high

school prom all over again

except I'm not fat anymore.

Ugh, things get rough and he

goes crying to his mother.

And now it's just me

left behind with a rabbit

and no batteries.

Ugh, now I remember the problem.

He's too into himself,

all pump and no go.

Jessica can totally

keep him, blech.

All those muscles spending

hours at the gym, for what?

And then he dumps me.

Me!

I mean, have you seen

how hot I look now?

Most people would

hallucinate being a superhero

or a ballerina.

Me, oh no.

What is my subconscious

trying to tell me?

Worst

fantasy

ever.

Pretty.

Why'd you pop my balloons?

I'm gonna kill you, bitch!

Oh my god!

Oh my god, oh my god!

This cannot be my life!

A monster, really?

Slow down, bitch!

I'm tired!

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!

It's all right.

- You good?

- Mm-hm.

We're good.

Okay.

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!

Oh my god, he's

swinging an ax at me!

I'm gonna kill you, bitch!

You're such a dead little bitch!

I'm gonna kill you, bitch!

Oh my god!

Where am I gonna get

another balloon out here?

No!

Leave me alone!

Where am I gonna get

another balloon out here?

Party supply

stores for clowns!

That was crazy.

Say a command.

Call home.

- Hi, honey.

- Honey, yeah.

Hey so, I just pulled

over to take a quick leak.

Unbelievable.

You wouldn't believe.

There was a chick,

a blonde chick,

tripping balls

out in the forest,

like losing her freaking mind.

- Drugs?

- Yeah yeah, I know, right?

Kids today.

I mean, ugh, kids.

Oh no, why is he chasing me!

Shh!

Ow.

What?

Oh my god!

Yes!

Oh, yes!

Oh!

No no no no no no no!

No!

No, don't die!

Fresh and clean.

Nothing like a morning shower

in natural springwater.

Is this what my parents

were talking about

when they lived in that hippie

commune back in the '80s?

I think they wore like

jogging suits or something.

Hm, something feels weird.

Were there way too many

minerals in the water?

Maybe I need some

lotion or something.

My neck is feeling kinda itchy.

Focus, Barbi.

It's just all in your head.

Maybe I didn't sleep off

all the effects from

those mushrooms.

No, I'm definitely feeling

something back there.

Where's my mirror?

Let's see.

Are those my pores?

Ugh!

I totally need some

new foundation.

Maybe a waterproof

one or something.

Better, I mean, not bad

for the savage wild.

I wonder where I am.

I've been walking

nonstop for hours.

I wish I was

tracking my calories.

My calorie burn must

be off the charts.

Ugh, what is this

freaking itching!

Did I touch some poison

ivy or something?

I have a photo shoot next week,

and if I'm still alive,

I can't have a rash I

can't cover up with makeup.

Wait, what the hell is this?

Fuzzy, pointy, it's moving.

Spider.

Oh, you're awake.

Yeah.

What happened?

You slipped and fell.

Lucky I was there to catch you.

Wow.

I could've died.

Yeah, I know.

Pretty amazing, right?

Kenny Radcliff, ma'am.

Barbi Radcliff.

I mean, Brennan.

Oh, sorry, I went

through your bag.

You were out of water

so I gave you a refill

and some food rations.

And a ring.

You mean a ring.

OMG, OMG, OMG, it's

really happening!

I'm gonna be the next

Mrs. Barbi Kenny Radcliff!

I'm not gonna die alone

in my house with 10 cats

who will eat my eyes after

I'm dead like my mom said!

It's so beautiful!

I'm gonna get this

appraised right away.

What is this, like 100 carats?

I'm so worth it.

My precious!

Take that, Jessica!

Thank you very much.

You should probably

stick to the trails.

Trails?

What trails?

I'm totally lost.

In more ways than one.

- Huh?

- Oh, nothing.

Are you out here alone?

Sort of.

Well if you hike that way

for about a mile and a half,

you'll come across the road.

Sooner or later the ranger

will come by and pick you up,

get you home.

Are you coming?

No.

I've got unfinished business.

Oh, so you go that way?

Hello?

I really

need to start paying attention

when people talk to me.

It's just so rare that I

actually talk to someone

face to face, you know?

It's so much easier

to text them.

Hm, maybe my people skills

are somehow lacking.

Like, if I listened

to Kenny's directions,

maybe I'd already

be home by now.

Wait, is that someone there?

Maybe they know where I am.

She looks familiar.

Where have I seen her before?

Does she do hair tutorials?

Help me!

Maybe she

knows where to get signals

so I can find Kenny

and swipe right.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Do you know how to

get out of here?

Oh my god, what is that smell?

Oh, thank god!

Help me!

My arm is crushed!

Hey, are you okay?

Help me, I'm stuck!

What happened?

My arm's

crushed, I can't move it!

Oh that looks bad.

Your dry-cleaner is never

gonna get that out, honey.

I know, right?

Now can you help me?

What is that stench?

The effervescent scent

of the great outdoors.

Hey, were you gonna

cut your arm off?

Yeah, duh.

I can't take it anymore!

I know, right?

I would totally kill myself

if I had to smell this.

What happened?

I was in a plane crash.

Didn't you see?

What plane crash?

Oh never mind.

A little help here?

Oh, sorry.

What's that?

Uh, nothing.

Don't worry about it.

Get me outta here!

Uh, hold on.

Wait, wait.

Is that a dead body?

You gotta

be kidding me.

Ew!

It is a dead body!

Oh, and it looks like someone

beat the crap out of it.

What happened to him?

The same thing

that'll happen to you

if you don't get me out of here.

You're totally freaking

me out right now.

Haven't you ever seen

a dead body before?

Recently?

Uh-huh.

Who is this?

I'm gonna die here.

The dead body.

My boss.

Might've had a

slight disagreement

over a small financial sum.

Hey, you can't take

that, those are state secrets!

No, you can't stop me!

Cut you.

Give me it back.

I'm gonna cut you!

Give me it back!

There was a rock slide,

but that came after,

and now I'm here!

Oh.

Okay. Well do you know

how to get out of here?

Can you please

help me already?

All right already, gosh!

It's all about you, isn't it?

Oh, there's no way

I'm gonna move this.

And honey, I'm not

cutting your arm off.

That would be way too messy,

and have you seen this

outfit that I'm wearing?

Just get that stick over there

and use it like a lever

to move the rocks.

Oh!

Will this do?

That's too heavy.

Can you please hurry it up!

All right, all

right already, gosh!

That's good.

What the?

Where'd she go?

Why does this keep

happening to me?

Oh god.

Why is this always so...

What was that about?

Okay, that was weird.

Hair tutorial girl just

vanished into the forest

and now I'm left with

a dead farting body.

It looks so familiar.

Meh, probably just

my imagination.

What I need to do is

center, regroup my thoughts.

I might be seeing things again.

Man, those mushrooms have

some gnarly acid flashbacks.

Okay, I need to calm my mind.

I need a zen moment.

I am a woman,

hear me roar.

Okay, that was in

my head, right?

Okay.

I am a woman,

hear me roar.

So much for tranquility.

And here I was thinking

I could reach nirvana,

like that one time in that

hot yoga class I tried.

And now we're all caught up.

I'm getting pretty good

at this survival thing.

I just wish I had some

pre-workout with me.

Ugh, I miss my

Wow Force protein.

But look at me!

I'm getting better at

this free-climbing thing.

I'm even starting to enjoy it.

I just wish I brought something

other than high heel

sneakers with me,

but then this outfit

would not look this cute.

I have this funny feeling

that I might've taken the

long way up this mountain.

But maybe there's

a signal up there!

There has got to be

some signal somewhere

in this nature's bag of dicks.

This fast at cardio is the bomb!

Damn, that was

the ultimate burn!

Leg day, smashed!

Oh my god, I can't breathe.

I can't breathe,

I can't breathe!

I can't breathe,

I can't breathe!

Whew.

Ugh, much better.

I think I've set some of record

for wearing a waist trainer.

I need a break.

That mountain was a little

rough for my complexion.

I'm either gonna be glowing or

I'm gonna need some

industrial strength facials

when I get out of here.

I mean,

I don't think there's any

dirt left on the ground.

It's like all in my pores!

Luckily I'm prepared for this.

My Super Mega Pore Suck mud

mask should do the trick.

Just need a place to sit down

and do a little spa treatment.

You know, it's all about

personal care and hygiene.

Good thing I'm all

alone out here.

I mean, if someone sees me

like this, I would just...

Die, you faceless

form of a space alien!

Whoa, whoa whoa whoa

whoa whoa, it's me!

Shit.

Didn't recognize you.

Almost blew your face off.

I'm doing a little

spa treatment.

Yeah. Maybe I should

blow your face off.

Your pores were looking

horrible back there.

I know, right?

It's all about personal

care and hygiene.

What the hell are you

still doing here anyway?

I told you how to

get out of here.

I followed all your

directions to the letter

and here I am.

We need to get

out of here, now.

What are you thinking,

cocktails, dancing?

No, we need ex-fill ASAP.

Are they a band, they new?

Never heard of them.

Oh Jesus.

That's not exactly a

hunting rifle you got there.

No, it's not.

You mean you're not

hiking or hunting?

Oh, I'm hunting.

I just hope I get it

before it gets me.

What

the hell, what the hell,

what the hell, what the hell!

I gotta get outta here!

I hate the outdoors!

OMG, what should I do?

What do I do, what do I do,

what do I do, what do I do!

He's like an outdoorsy guy.

Wait, should I help him?

Nah, he's fine, he's

fine, he's fine.

I think I'm just

gonna get in the way.

Yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah.

I'll just text him later.

He got this.

What was that?

That had to be some

mutant bear lion octopus.

Six eyes, tentacles.

The water must be

totally contaminated

out here or something.

My mother was right,

I am gonna die a

lonely spinster!

Well at least my

pores are glowing now.

Not that it matters.

Oh look, a cave!

What possible dangers

can lurk inside here?

Ugh, it doesn't matter

anymore anyway, does it?

I'm alone, again!

Just like my whole life!

I miss my phone!

Just holding it

makes me feel better!

I'm severed from the collective!

I'm never gonna find my

way out of here, am I?

There will be stories

of the lonely crazy lady

who lives up in the

cave in the mountains.

It'll be used to scare

children at night.

I'll just stop

shaving, plucking,

and just let everything go.

I'll eat pasta,

doughnuts, pizza,

stop doing squats and let

my abs get all flabby.

I mean, who do I need

to look good for?

My whole love life

has just been a mess.

All I wanted was

to find a nice guy,

someone who will love me.

But who is the real me?

I'm not exactly a good person.

I mean, I just left

that guy to die.

He was out there screaming,

and I just kinda ran away,

not to mention poor Jake.

I have like the worst luck ever.

Now that I've seen

more of the world,

I guess it's not so important

to have a million followers.

Kenny's probably some

special forces black ops guy

who doesn't even have a

real identity, like my dad.

He's not even online

and he's still hot.

Hot guys without social media?

Is that even possible?

Poor Kenny and Jake.

OMG, does this make

me like a black widow?

R.I.P.

They were so lit.

Huh?

Ah, it was a dream.

Ugh.

Oh, thank goodness.

Oh, hello room, I've missed you.

Still got it.

Mm!

Hello?

Hello, daughter

of the universe.

My mom's name is Diane.

We are all children

of the universe.

No need to worry.

Nothing happens randomly.

There is a divine

path to everything.

We are all but stardust.

Uh-huh.

The paths you have chosen

and the decisions you've

made led you here.

Uh-huh.

And what have

you learned so far

from your journey, my child?

Not to wear high-heeled

sneakers while hiking.

Well, that's a start.

But what have you

learned with your heart?

Not to lie on

my dating profile.

Closer.

Think beyond here.

I don't know.

I've seen some ratchet

shit out there.

You have questions.

Yeah, how do I

get out of here?

Excellent question.

The body is just a mortal coil

that we're all trapped in.

But if you free your mind,

it will flow with the

energy of the universe.

I can teach you

ancient techniques.

No, no, I mean how

do I get out of here?

Oh, oh, do you get bars in here?

No.

Ask yourself deeper questions.

Oh, you mean like

meaningful questions.

Yes, exactly.

Ask, my child.

How is Jessica getting

all her followers?

She's buying her

likes, isn't she?

Oh my god.

Is she real?

Let me tell you a secret.

The ultimate answer

you're looking for,

it will end your search

and will take you to a new

level of consciousness.

Space time will come

together, and your

- questions will be answered.

- Huh?

For example, when the

ancient gods came down

in their flying chariots

and seeded mankind

with their DNA,

the aliens never left.

They're still here.

Touchy-feely Chuck, Bob,

and Steve tried to help,

but accidentally

caused the disco era

and the porn industry.

Then there are

the lizard people.

Total assholes!

Homeland Security was founded

to keep them in check.

They created the internet

to distract the people from

what's really going on.

And that is the secret wisdom

that only a few chosen

have ever been given.

The knowledge will alter the

very fabric of the universe

and free your mind

of enslavement.

Yeah, I'm gonna go now.

What a weirdo.

What, really?

Looks like I picked the wrong

day to stop sniffing glue.

Oh my

god, what is wrong with me?

Why am I such a perv?

That guy had super

important junk to say.

Do I need help?

O.M.G.

- Barbi?

- Jessica?

What are you doing here?

I didn't know you

hiked these trails.

Are you totally copying me?

Wait a minute, what trails?

The trail that's

like 10 feet that way.

What?

I come here every day.

How do you think I get

those inspirational selfies?

You get those here?

Yeah.

Bag of dicks.

Wow.

You're wearing that?

Brave choice.

So, where have you been?

You haven't like uploaded

in like two days.

People think you're dead.

Yeah.

There's like Where's Barbi

memes all over the web.

Really?

I was here.

Here?

Like here?

For two days?

Yeah, I was totally lost.

No way!

Shut up, shut up!

You were here,

lost for two days?

What about the internets?

Well, I had no signal,

and then naturally,

my cellphone died.

You poor thing.

But thanks.

Now that you're gone,

everyone has dropped your feed,

and I'm the number

one new selfie queen.

You snooze you lose.

Bitch!

I totally knew that you

were stealing my followers

and paying for subscribers.

Whatever.

I just have so many companies

wanting to do collabs with me.

I'm making so much money.

Good luck

making a comeback.

At least my

followers were real.

Aw, you're just a sore loser.

And by the way,

you look like you haven't

been doing your squats.

Your ass is looking flat.

Jesus, Barbi.

You get lost in the

woods for two days

and you just let everything go.

Ugh!

Burn!

It burns!

Burn.

Yeah, burn.

Tss!

Too bad you didn't have

that burn to keep you warm

when you slept here for

the past two nights.

Throwing some bad shade, girl.

Here's more.

Are you wearing

your waist trainer?

Mm, no.

You should be.

You're looking a little soft.

Have you been

skipping ab day too?

- I was...

- Oh well.

Good luck.

I still can't believe you got

lost out here for two days.

There are like trails

everywhere.

You're such a basic, Barbi.

Laters!

Oh my god, guys, guess what?

I totally just ran into

this homeless girl.

Look at her, right there.

She tried to mug me!

Like what the eff?

Hash tag real life.

I'm not kidding, people.

Like this happened,

right here, right now.

What the heck?

I don't even have like a,

a knife on me or anything,

I don't.

Oh my god, she's

looking frantic.

I mean, look at her,

she's in a pink jacket.

Like, I don't even know

what she's doing out here.

- Bag of dicks!

- She tried to steal from me.

Like, what?

Wait.

Where's that trail?

It was right there.

She pointed to it

and everything.

Where did it go?

I'm gonna die

out here, I swear.

I'm totally gonna die out here.

How is this possible?

What?

Well, that's it,

I'm officially a has-been.

Dead to the world.

She's won.

I'm done, it's over.

Jessica has finally got what

she wanted and replaced me.

I might as well go

back to the cave

and party with Red Riding

Hood and hair tutorial girl.

I'll marry butter knife guy

and we'll have little

cave-dwelling monks together.

Maybe we'll get a reality show!

The Brennans!

Hey, is that Kenny?

He's still alive?

Does that mean I'm

not a black widow?

Oh hey, you again.

Are you okay?

It's dangerous.

You need to leave, now!

Obviously.

What the hell is going on?

Every time I see you

it's some new shit.

That looks disgusting.

What happened to your leg!

It's classified.

I could tell you, but

I'd have to kill you.

Which at this point

might not be a bad idea.

Ugh, doesn't matter,

I'm already dead.

Fine.

I work for a government agency

that deals with

extraterrestrial allies.

Oh, you mean those three

little gray guys in the forest?

I thought I was

totally tripping balls.

You met Chuck, Bob, and Steve?

I think so, maybe.

Does it hurt when you sit?

A little.

Yeah.

I think back on their planet

that means you're married.

Oh, ew!

No way!

Ugh!

Wait, hold on a second,

if they're friendly, why

are you fighting them?

No, I'm not fighting them.

Chuck, Bob, and

Steve are great guys.

A little touchy-feely,

but still great guys.

I'm fighting the other guys.

What other guys?

The eat your face

off acid for blood

world domination ones.

Look, there's a lot

of shit going on here,

but I don't have time to

tell you all that right now.

Uh, yeah.

Wait!

What am I doing?

I can't just leave him again!

He's saved my ass like

three times already!

This might be the

perfect opportunity

for me to actually

do something good!

It's not like I have

anything else to live for.

I have to change my goals

from taking the best selfies

to making the world

a better place!

From this day forth,

I'll never again take a box of

doughnuts to Weight Watchers!

I'll never watch another house

full of kittens burn down!

I will never again sell

Ziploc bags full of corn syrup

as breast implants to cancer

survivors on the Dark Web.

I will never again donate

my parents' used sex toys

to children's charity.

I will never again sell

orphans into slavery!

I will never again set the

homeless on fire just for lulz!

I will not sit by and

watch another old lady

get dragged off by coyotes.

Never again!

And I will never,

ever eat anything

that doesn't say gluten-free!

If only I had my eyes open.

Not always staring at my phone!

Paid more attention!

What am I missing?

There is so much

more to this world

than what I see on

that tiny screen.

I'm gonna make amends for

all the things I did wrong.

Somehow, I will take

responsibility for my actions.

I will make the

world a better place.

It's time for me

to finally grab that bag

of dicks by the balls.

And I start now!

Are you okay?

My leg's pointed in

three different directions.

I wish that beam put me together

a little bit straighter.

Ow!

Oh, easy kid.

Where'd you learn

to shoot like that?

I'm from Texas.

My dad was a Marine,

and my granny has a

bigger gun than yours.

This is gonna hurt.

Are you sure you

know what you're doing?

Um, nah.

Thanks.

Looks ratchet.

What the hell are you doing?

Taking off a waist trainer.

What the hell are

you gonna do with that?

Won't fit my waist.

It's steel-boned.

Oh you've gotta be kidding me.

I am not kidding you.

Pink is not my color.

It's gonna have

to work for now.

There was a girl in

a suit in the forest

stuck under a rock.

Do you know what

happened to her?

Um, yeah, it's kinda messy.

Um, rogue double agent,

Homeland Security,

stole something very valuable.

You haven't seen a briefcase

around here, have you?

You mean this?

Um, yeah, that's, uh,

that's definitely it.

Thanks.

Um, this looks pretty good.

Can you move?

Yeah, I can move.

I can't dance, but I can move.

You know, you're

pretty good at this.

You ever considered a

career in government work?

Could use someone

with your skills,

but you'd have to leave

your old life behind.

Well, I've been

offline for two days,

so everybody already

thinks I'm dead.

We can give you

a cool code name like, uh,

Ronan.

Oh, samurai with no master.

I like it.

Oh that's actually

just the name

of my favorite sushi

joint down in Soho,

but I like what you said too.

Hey, Chuck, Bob, and Steve,

why aren't they helping

you fight the bad guys?

No, those guys

are lovers, not fighters,

but they make great tech.

Here, hold this.

Yeah, need immediate extraction.

You talk to your MP3 player?

You know, you're,

you're kinda cute.

Welcome to your new life.

Take us up.

Hey, hey,

there's my car!

No no no, you guys can

just drop me off here.

Thanks!

Wow,

not bad for a long weekend.

Three husbands, and

Kenny's kinda cute.

I'm sure Chuck, Bob, and Steve

are gonna be totally chill

with me seeing other people.

If it's outside

the solar system,

it probably doesn't

count, right?

So much for being a spinster.

I can't wait to go home

and take a nice shower.

Oh, wait.

I need my keys, duh.

Where did I put those?

Gotta be in here somewhere.

I left them right here.

Oh no.

Where did I leave them last?

Hey, can I, can I

put my keys on you?

Yeah, sure.

OMG, that's right.

Bag of dick!

You're

right, after all that.

I had a spaceship,

and now I have to take the bus.

Worst

weekend

ever.

Whoa!

As if I haven't had

enough, I lose my keys too.

What kind of freaking

world is this?

Haven't I had enough

of this world?

This is terrible.

What am I gonna do now?

Oh my god, grandma.

What are you doing here?

Get in the car.

Oh my god!

Thank you so much!

You have no idea what

I've just been through

for the last two days!

Well not

anymore, you're okay now.

Yes, thank you!

Yay!

Subtitles by explosiveskull

Breaking Barbi (2018) - full transcript