Breaking Barbi (2018) - full transcript

A Tinder date gone astray leaves famous fitness selfie queen, Barbi, lost in the wilderness trying to survive despite Homeland Security, alien death rays and zero cell service.

Subtitles by explosiveskull

case you were wondering

how I wound up in this
farcical situation,

let me catch you up.

My name is Barbra Dolly Brennan.

My parents named me after Barbra
Streisand and Dolly Parton,

their favorite singers.

I'm a cosplayer, model,
blogger, and fitness goddess.

What is that, you ask?

What are you, a hermit?

It means I spend my days
doing selfies, posing,

and doing endless videos
of my ass doing squats.

Endless squats.

Hundreds of squats.

Thousands of squats.

You can find me at
Breaking underscore Barbi.

Sounds easy but it's
actually really hard.

It means that anything I do

suddenly turns into a
photo shoot, a video opp,

or an opportunity for a collab.

This type of work comes
with a major downside,

meeting a nice guy.

You have to be choosy, you know.

I mean, like, what if
I'm seen with a guy

that doesn't even have at
least 10,000 followers?

That would be unthinkable.

I have my reputation.

And then I met Jake.


Plenty of water.

Got the first aid kit in
case of any emergency.

- Got bandages.
- OMG, he is

- so fire.
- Ointment, wet wipes.

- Food rations.
- I wonder how many hash tags

I can fit into this post.


Lip ointment.

Antibacterial gel.


He asked
me to go hiking with him

on our first date.

I just can't even.

Antibacterial gel.



Extra battery.

Security blanket.

- He's so into this!
- Rope and tackle.

Look at all those

cute things he brought.

And most importantly,
a radio and GPS tracker

so we can't get lost

and we can call for help
in case of an emergency.

- I
- totes need a selfie.

Oh, like right now.


- My turn.
- Jessica will be

totally jelly when she
sees me with this guy.

All right, I think
that's everything.

You ready?

You better believe it.


You wanna do a last check?

We're gonna be up
there for a while.

- I
- have everything I need

right here, baby.

Don't need this.

Lip gloss, headset, mud mask.

And a little something
for the hot tub.

I'm good.

All right, let's do this.

Did I
tell her how cute she looks?

Hey, can I, can I
put my keys on you?

Yeah, sure.

I'm glad you swiped right.

It's really hard to find
girls that like to free-climb.

What the
hell is he talking about?

Oh, my profile.

I thought free-climbing
was some sort of sex thing.

Well, when the app
asked for what level,

I obviously wrote expert.



This is pretty
hardcore, even for me.

Wait, is he serious?

I thought we were gonna
take some cute selfies

and go back to his place.

We could've started
with something simpler,

but I mean, I'm sure at your
level this is a piece of cake.

Way to go, Barbs.

You're gonna get
yourself killed.

Was that a pterodactyl?

OMG, I'm so gonna die.

I mean, anything can
happen out there.

I can be eaten by a
bear, fall of a cliff,

butt-raped by aliens, dragged
away by wolves, anything!

Let's go.

I just got these shoes.

Ugh, just look at that butt.

He definitely
doesn't skip leg day.

Totally worth it.

No sweat.

- I
- hope he eats pineapple.

Aw, that's so sweet.

She's going slow
and waiting for me.

Aw, he's so sweet.

OMG, it is pineapple!


- I
- can't wait to invite her

to my mansion in Hawaii.

This isn't so bad,

but I could totally go
for a latte right now.

know, I'm gonna slow down

and let her get ahead of me,

so if she falls I can catch her.

Everything about her is perfect.

I hope
there's a Starbucks up there

or something.

- I
- can see myself spending

the rest of my life
with this girl.

almost at the top.

Sure hope we're not
going down that way.



There's no signal up here.




What are you doing down there?

Ugh, there's no signal up here!


there's some signal,

mm, over here.



Are you okay?







Did I just kill the
hottest guy ever?

I didn't know about the rock.

I mean, I didn't
put the rock there.

The rock, who put
the rock there?

Like, Mother Nature and stuff.

It's not my fault.

I didn't do it.

It's not me.

I would never do that.

Now I'm totally lost.

No signal, no date,
no food, no water.

Didn't see this bag of dicks
coming straight at my face.

This is insane!

I can't believe I'm out here.

And the worst part is I can't
upload these amazing selfies.

Why don't they put cell
towers out here or something?

Ugh, ugh, like, no
signal anywhere.

I mean, if you're gonna
be banished up here,

you're gonna wind up
dead anyway soon, right?


I bet all my friends are
worried sick about me.

It's not bad.

It could be worse, right?

I mean, like, I'm
getting back to nature.

I'm becoming like zen and stuff.

Ugh, my feet are killing me.

Wow, this is a great
location for squat videos.

I mean, look at this place.

I can totally make
so much content here.

Oh, oh no.

Oh no, oh no, oh no.

Oh god.

I hope there's like some,

some signal up here.

There's no way, oh, no way.

This is, this is
not happening to me.

No, this is not happening
to me right now.

Come on, signal,
come on, come on!

God, oh god, this can't be!

Oh, oh, I'm not, no!


Body, you can't do
this to me right now!

Oh goodness, oh, oh, oh!

How did the savages do it?


I'm not gonna be
like a barbarian,

but I don't think
I have any choice.

Oh, what am I gonna do?

Toilet paper, mm!


Okay, okay, maybe I
could use some of these.

Right here, okay.

Now, now I need to find a spot.


I can't wait any longer!

Oh, I need a spot, oh!

What about right here?

Yes, this looks fine.

Okay, all right.

Pants down.


Oh, that's so good.




My pants feel looser now!

Oh, I feel so cleansed.

I guess it's not such
a bad day after all.

Feel so fresh.

I once saw some TV show about
this guy in the woods and junk

and he would just find stuff
that would help him survive.

I wish I paid attention to it,

but he was like so hot

and I really didn't
understand a word he said.

Hm, I wonder if I could
find him out here.

Maybe I could get a ride.

He's always got like a
helicopter or something.

Ew, is that a spider?

I hate spiders!

Ugh, this place so
needs a cleaning!

Where are the park maids?


I hate this place!

I hate nature!

I wonder if this
place has bears in it.

I mean, it looks
like a bear place,

and if I was a bear, I'd
totally hang out here.

Hey, is this where the
WeHo Bear Club hangs out?

What the!

You're gonna burn in
hell for what you did!

Three years cardio kickboxing!

Whoa, cool your jets, turbo.

I, uh, was looking
for someone else.

Gonna need this for later.

You gonna kill some peanut
butter sandwiches with that?

I lost my weapon.

I woke up and it was gone, okay?

I'm looking for someone.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa,

whoa whoa whoa, I totally
found him like that.

He was at the bottom of the hill

and the blood and the rock
was already on top of him

and I was totally gonna go
down there and help him out,

but you know, I'm wearing
high-heel sneakers

- and I can't go down there...
- Found who?


Are you the police?



I'm Homeland Security.



What happened to your head?

It's nothing.

I'm looking for someone.

Have you seen this woman?

That is the worst
selfie I have ever seen.

You need to learn better angles.

You can make yourself look
about 10 pounds lighter.

And you need a

filter too because I
could totally see pores.

So you haven't seen her?


You get cellphone
service out here?

Who is your carrier?


Are they good?



Because I can't get
a single bar out here.

Are their roaming rates okay?

Astronomical, but
we're subsidized.


Excuse me.

- Hm?
- Sir.

My sit rep is as follows.

Agent Vicky is still MIA.

The package is recovered.


I'm wounded but able.

The situation...


No, no no no no no no.

No, Bogley shot
down the transport.

Requesting recovery team.

They are everywhere!

Send in Agent Radcliff.

Roger that, sir.

So I'm not in trouble?

Are you an illegal alien?

Six eyes, tentacles?

I'm from Texas.

Close enough.

I can't believe you
get signal out here.

I've been looking for
signal for like an hour.

God, I wish I had some
water or something.

You sound like you're
totally choking.

Oh, do you think if I get
higher up the mountain,

like I could get a signal there?

You know what?

Can I borrow your
cellphone to...


So you haven't seen her?


Creepy much?

Just like I need a,

I need a new phone or something.

This one's terrible.

Hey, do you know how to


out of here?

I have
like 3.4 million followers.

I have millions of likes,
collaborations, sponsorships.

I spend all my
time showing people

what a perfect and
sexy life I have.

And I have no real friends.

I don't have any real friends.

I don't spend time with anyone.

All my friends are
social media friends.

There is literally
no one out there

that gives a damn about me.

If I don't upload
for a few days,

everyone will
forget I even exist,

and there is a new face already
poised to take my place.


I hate Jessica!

Her makeup is
always so on point!

Well, sure she looks
like ass in real life

without all her filters.

Totally met her at a meetup,

and I laughed so
hard when I saw her.

What a dumb hoe.

She shouldn't show
her face in public

when she uses all those tricks
to make her skin all flawless

and all those camera angles to
make herself look all skinny.

She is a walking lie,

and I can't even post
that pic of me and Jake.


He was so lit.

I am so hungry.

If I don't eat
something like soon,

I'll start losing
all my booty gains.

Bag of dicks.

Oh, mushrooms.

Non-GMO, gluten-free, and
totally organic, right?

I mean, you can't
get much fresher

than straight out of
the forest, right?

Smells like shiitake.

I, I wish I could look it up.


Well, what if I just try one?

I can always make
myself throw up, right?

I'm like great at vomit.

I practiced in high school.

No way Suzie Baker was
gonna be thinner than me.

That bitch.

Hm, tastes pretty good.

I'm like so paleo right now.

Just like that raw vegan
place I tried last month.

Ugh, I'm like a total
savage barbarian right now.


A unicorn.

Take me to that rainbow.


Pretty colors!

Get out of the way!

You're gonna get
yourself killed!

Do you know how to get
to grandma's house?

I don't know where
your grandma is.

What's wrong with you?

Did you eat something out here?

Are you hungry?

I have muffins and cookies.


I only

eat gluten-free cookies.

Give those to your grandma.


Hey Mister Wolf, did
you see what I just saw?

Was that Little Red Riding Hood?

sure was, Barbi.

I think that was
Little Red Riding Hood.

What do you think?

You're far
more delicious though.

Have you seen Agent Mahoney?

Tall, bald, glasses.

The better to see me with!

They must have no vision
in the pink spectrum!

They can't see pink.

Sir, I have discovered a
fault in their technology.

It can change the course
of our whole battle.

Alert Agent Radcliff that
the aliens cannot see pink.

Oh, pretty!

I'm starting to suspect

that those were not
gluten-free mushrooms,

because I haven't
tripped balls like this

since that weekend freshman
year in the Hamptons

when Jessica stole my
first serious boyfriend.

What was his name again?

I mean, we were like totally
destined to be together.

He was so rough and tough,

just like a hot barbarian.

I would've given him
so many followers,

but he chose Jessica and
all he got was herpes.

OMG, is that him,


He looks so much
better in a loincloth.

Antibiotics do wonders.

Check out this cute outfit.

I have a sword, armored boobs!

Looking good, Barbi.


This looks sharp.

This hallucination
is like so lit.

That's right.


You're gonna need a lot more
water to put out this fire.


Man, my abs look amazing.

did we break up again?

I totally can't remember.

I bet she wants me.

this gets any hotter,

I'm gonna need a boat.

Check it, uh-huh.

Call that a sword?

call it anything you want.

Wait, what just happened?

VOICEOVER: Mm, baby!

Wait, what?

Hail to the king.

this escalated quickly.

Oh, he's serious.

Maybe he means
somebody back there.

Nope, just me.

Well, I didn't get
all fantasy dressed up

for nothing, I guess.

And I have this sword,

so my brain must've known
something like this would happen.

Gonna make her work for it.

This chick's gonna ruin my pump!

pump looks just fine to me.

I could totally take him.

I know what he likes.

She slapped my ass.

I kinda like it.

we're still doing this.

When did foreplay
become so hard?

- I
- knew I shouldn't have taken

my pre-workout pill early.

I'm so glad

I've been doing yoga classes.

They really keep
me nice and loose.

I can totally hold my own.

I always could.

Not to mention I look
amazing with this hand.

- I
- wonder if she saw that lion

that I killed last week.

Oh, yeah.

What I
love about this fantasy is that

Jessica would never look
as good as I do in this.

I mean, have you
seen this hotness?

that's a nice loincloth.

I wonder if she's
wearing underwear.

Wait, am I?

This barbarian fantasy

is so much better
than the light show.

Ha, gotcha!

that was my favorite sword.


I'm sad.

Oh come on!

You're finished already?

But I'm not done yet!

- I
- don't wanna fight you anyway.

I can get your sword.

- It's like right there.
- Stupid girl.

I'll give
you a hand and everything.

I'll go get it for you.

Wait, come back!

Ugh, it's like high
school prom all over again

except I'm not fat anymore.

Ugh, things get rough and he
goes crying to his mother.

And now it's just me
left behind with a rabbit

and no batteries.

Ugh, now I remember the problem.

He's too into himself,

all pump and no go.

Jessica can totally
keep him, blech.

All those muscles spending
hours at the gym, for what?

And then he dumps me.


I mean, have you seen
how hot I look now?

Most people would
hallucinate being a superhero

or a ballerina.

Me, oh no.

What is my subconscious
trying to tell me?





Why'd you pop my balloons?

I'm gonna kill you, bitch!

Oh my god!

Oh my god, oh my god!

This cannot be my life!

A monster, really?

Slow down, bitch!

I'm tired!

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!

It's all right.

- You good?
- Mm-hm.

We're good.

We're good.


Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!

Oh my god, he's
swinging an ax at me!

I'm gonna kill you, bitch!

You're such a dead little bitch!

You're such a dead little bitch!

I'm gonna kill you, bitch!

Oh my god!

Oh my god!

Where am I gonna get
another balloon out here?


Leave me alone!

Where am I gonna get
another balloon out here?

Party supply
stores for clowns!

That was crazy.

Say a command.

Call home.

- Hi, honey.
- Honey, yeah.

Hey so, I just pulled
over to take a quick leak.


You wouldn't believe.

There was a chick,
a blonde chick,

tripping balls
out in the forest,

like losing her freaking mind.

- Drugs?
- Yeah yeah, I know, right?

Kids today.

I mean, ugh, kids.

Oh no, why is he chasing me!




Oh my god!


Oh, yes!


No no no no no no no!



No, don't die!

Fresh and clean.

Nothing like a morning shower
in natural springwater.

Is this what my parents
were talking about

when they lived in that hippie
commune back in the '80s?

I think they wore like
jogging suits or something.

Hm, something feels weird.

Were there way too many
minerals in the water?

Maybe I need some
lotion or something.

My neck is feeling kinda itchy.

Focus, Barbi.

It's just all in your head.

Maybe I didn't sleep off

all the effects from
those mushrooms.

No, I'm definitely feeling
something back there.

Where's my mirror?

Let's see.

Are those my pores?


I totally need some
new foundation.

Maybe a waterproof
one or something.

Better, I mean, not bad
for the savage wild.

I wonder where I am.

I've been walking
nonstop for hours.

I wish I was
tracking my calories.

My calorie burn must
be off the charts.

Ugh, what is this
freaking itching!

Did I touch some poison
ivy or something?

I have a photo shoot next week,

and if I'm still alive,

I can't have a rash I
can't cover up with makeup.

Wait, what the hell is this?

Fuzzy, pointy, it's moving.


Oh, you're awake.


What happened?

You slipped and fell.

Lucky I was there to catch you.


I could've died.

Yeah, I know.

Pretty amazing, right?

Kenny Radcliff, ma'am.

Barbi Radcliff.

I mean, Brennan.

Oh, sorry, I went
through your bag.

You were out of water

so I gave you a refill
and some food rations.

And a ring.

You mean a ring.

OMG, OMG, OMG, it's
really happening!

I'm gonna be the next
Mrs. Barbi Kenny Radcliff!

I'm not gonna die alone
in my house with 10 cats

who will eat my eyes after
I'm dead like my mom said!

It's so beautiful!

I'm gonna get this
appraised right away.

What is this, like 100 carats?

I'm so worth it.

My precious!

Take that, Jessica!

Thank you very much.

You should probably
stick to the trails.


What trails?

I'm totally lost.

In more ways than one.

- Huh?
- Oh, nothing.

Are you out here alone?

Sort of.

Well if you hike that way
for about a mile and a half,

you'll come across the road.

Sooner or later the ranger
will come by and pick you up,

get you home.

Are you coming?


I've got unfinished business.

Oh, so you go that way?


I really
need to start paying attention

when people talk to me.

It's just so rare that I
actually talk to someone

face to face, you know?

It's so much easier
to text them.

Hm, maybe my people skills
are somehow lacking.

Like, if I listened
to Kenny's directions,

maybe I'd already
be home by now.

Wait, is that someone there?

Maybe they know where I am.

She looks familiar.

Where have I seen her before?

Does she do hair tutorials?

Help me!

Maybe she
knows where to get signals

so I can find Kenny
and swipe right.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Do you know how to
get out of here?

Oh my god, what is that smell?

Oh, thank god!

Help me!

My arm is crushed!

Hey, are you okay?

Help me, I'm stuck!

What happened?

My arm's
crushed, I can't move it!

Oh that looks bad.

Your dry-cleaner is never
gonna get that out, honey.

I know, right?

Now can you help me?

What is that stench?

The effervescent scent
of the great outdoors.

Hey, were you gonna
cut your arm off?

Yeah, duh.

I can't take it anymore!

I know, right?

I would totally kill myself
if I had to smell this.

What happened?

I was in a plane crash.

Didn't you see?

What plane crash?

Oh never mind.

A little help here?

Oh, sorry.

What's that?

Uh, nothing.

Don't worry about it.

Get me outta here!

Uh, hold on.

Wait, wait.

Is that a dead body?

You gotta
be kidding me.


It is a dead body!

Oh, and it looks like someone
beat the crap out of it.

What happened to him?

The same thing
that'll happen to you

if you don't get me out of here.

You're totally freaking
me out right now.

Haven't you ever seen
a dead body before?



Who is this?

I'm gonna die here.

The dead body.

My boss.

Might've had a
slight disagreement

over a small financial sum.

Hey, you can't take
that, those are state secrets!

No, you can't stop me!

Cut you.

Give me it back.

I'm gonna cut you!

Give me it back!

There was a rock slide,
but that came after,

and now I'm here!


Okay. Well do you know
how to get out of here?

Can you please
help me already?

All right already, gosh!

It's all about you, isn't it?

Oh, there's no way
I'm gonna move this.

And honey, I'm not
cutting your arm off.

That would be way too messy,

and have you seen this
outfit that I'm wearing?

Just get that stick over there

and use it like a lever
to move the rocks.


Will this do?

That's too heavy.

Can you please hurry it up!

All right, all
right already, gosh!

That's good.

What the?

Where'd she go?

Why does this keep
happening to me?

Oh god.

Why is this always so...

What was that about?

Okay, that was weird.

Hair tutorial girl just
vanished into the forest

and now I'm left with
a dead farting body.

It looks so familiar.

Meh, probably just
my imagination.

What I need to do is
center, regroup my thoughts.

I might be seeing things again.

Man, those mushrooms have
some gnarly acid flashbacks.

Okay, I need to calm my mind.

I need a zen moment.

I am a woman,

hear me roar.

Okay, that was in
my head, right?


I am a woman,

hear me roar.

So much for tranquility.

And here I was thinking
I could reach nirvana,

like that one time in that
hot yoga class I tried.

And now we're all caught up.

I'm getting pretty good
at this survival thing.

I just wish I had some
pre-workout with me.

Ugh, I miss my
Wow Force protein.

But look at me!

I'm getting better at
this free-climbing thing.

I'm even starting to enjoy it.

I just wish I brought something

other than high heel
sneakers with me,

but then this outfit
would not look this cute.

I have this funny feeling

that I might've taken the
long way up this mountain.

But maybe there's
a signal up there!

There has got to be
some signal somewhere

in this nature's bag of dicks.

This fast at cardio is the bomb!

Damn, that was
the ultimate burn!

Leg day, smashed!

Oh my god, I can't breathe.

I can't breathe,
I can't breathe!

I can't breathe,
I can't breathe!


Ugh, much better.

I think I've set some of record
for wearing a waist trainer.

I need a break.

That mountain was a little
rough for my complexion.

I'm either gonna be glowing or

I'm gonna need some
industrial strength facials

when I get out of here.

I mean,

I don't think there's any
dirt left on the ground.

It's like all in my pores!

Luckily I'm prepared for this.

My Super Mega Pore Suck mud
mask should do the trick.

Just need a place to sit down

and do a little spa treatment.

You know, it's all about
personal care and hygiene.

Good thing I'm all
alone out here.

I mean, if someone sees me
like this, I would just...

Die, you faceless
form of a space alien!

Whoa, whoa whoa whoa
whoa whoa, it's me!


Didn't recognize you.

Almost blew your face off.

I'm doing a little
spa treatment.

Yeah. Maybe I should
blow your face off.

Your pores were looking
horrible back there.

I know, right?

It's all about personal
care and hygiene.

What the hell are you
still doing here anyway?

I told you how to
get out of here.

I followed all your
directions to the letter

and here I am.

We need to get
out of here, now.

What are you thinking,
cocktails, dancing?

No, we need ex-fill ASAP.

Are they a band, they new?

Never heard of them.

Oh Jesus.

That's not exactly a
hunting rifle you got there.

No, it's not.

You mean you're not
hiking or hunting?

Oh, I'm hunting.

I just hope I get it
before it gets me.

the hell, what the hell,

what the hell, what the hell!

I gotta get outta here!

I hate the outdoors!

OMG, what should I do?
What do I do, what do I do,

what do I do, what do I do!

He's like an outdoorsy guy.

Wait, should I help him?

Nah, he's fine, he's
fine, he's fine.

I think I'm just
gonna get in the way.

Yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah.

I'll just text him later.

He got this.

What was that?

That had to be some
mutant bear lion octopus.

Six eyes, tentacles.

The water must be
totally contaminated

out here or something.

My mother was right,

I am gonna die a
lonely spinster!

Well at least my
pores are glowing now.

Not that it matters.

Oh look, a cave!

What possible dangers
can lurk inside here?

Ugh, it doesn't matter
anymore anyway, does it?

I'm alone, again!

Just like my whole life!

I miss my phone!

Just holding it
makes me feel better!

I'm severed from the collective!

I'm never gonna find my
way out of here, am I?

There will be stories
of the lonely crazy lady

who lives up in the
cave in the mountains.

It'll be used to scare
children at night.

I'll just stop
shaving, plucking,

and just let everything go.

I'll eat pasta,
doughnuts, pizza,

stop doing squats and let
my abs get all flabby.

I mean, who do I need
to look good for?

My whole love life
has just been a mess.

All I wanted was
to find a nice guy,

someone who will love me.

But who is the real me?

I'm not exactly a good person.

I mean, I just left
that guy to die.

He was out there screaming,

and I just kinda ran away,

not to mention poor Jake.

I have like the worst luck ever.

Now that I've seen
more of the world,

I guess it's not so important
to have a million followers.

Kenny's probably some
special forces black ops guy

who doesn't even have a
real identity, like my dad.

He's not even online
and he's still hot.

Hot guys without social media?

Is that even possible?

Poor Kenny and Jake.

OMG, does this make
me like a black widow?


They were so lit.


Ah, it was a dream.


Oh, thank goodness.

Oh, hello room, I've missed you.

Still got it.



Hello, daughter
of the universe.

My mom's name is Diane.

We are all children
of the universe.

No need to worry.

Nothing happens randomly.

There is a divine
path to everything.

We are all but stardust.


The paths you have chosen

and the decisions you've
made led you here.


And what have
you learned so far

from your journey, my child?

Not to wear high-heeled
sneakers while hiking.

Well, that's a start.

But what have you
learned with your heart?

Not to lie on
my dating profile.


Think beyond here.

I don't know.

I've seen some ratchet
shit out there.

You have questions.

Yeah, how do I
get out of here?

Excellent question.

The body is just a mortal coil

that we're all trapped in.

But if you free your mind,

it will flow with the
energy of the universe.

I can teach you
ancient techniques.

No, no, I mean how
do I get out of here?

Oh, oh, do you get bars in here?


Ask yourself deeper questions.

Oh, you mean like
meaningful questions.

Yes, exactly.

Ask, my child.

How is Jessica getting
all her followers?

She's buying her
likes, isn't she?

Oh my god.

Is she real?

Let me tell you a secret.

The ultimate answer
you're looking for,

it will end your search

and will take you to a new
level of consciousness.

Space time will come
together, and your

- questions will be answered.
- Huh?

For example, when the
ancient gods came down

in their flying chariots

and seeded mankind
with their DNA,

the aliens never left.

They're still here.

Touchy-feely Chuck, Bob,
and Steve tried to help,

but accidentally
caused the disco era

and the porn industry.

Then there are
the lizard people.

Total assholes!

Homeland Security was founded
to keep them in check.

They created the internet

to distract the people from
what's really going on.

And that is the secret wisdom

that only a few chosen
have ever been given.

The knowledge will alter the
very fabric of the universe

and free your mind
of enslavement.

Yeah, I'm gonna go now.

What a weirdo.

What, really?

Looks like I picked the wrong
day to stop sniffing glue.

Oh my
god, what is wrong with me?

Why am I such a perv?

That guy had super
important junk to say.

Do I need help?


- Barbi?
- Jessica?

What are you doing here?

I didn't know you
hiked these trails.

Are you totally copying me?

Wait a minute, what trails?

The trail that's
like 10 feet that way.


I come here every day.

How do you think I get
those inspirational selfies?

You get those here?


Bag of dicks.


You're wearing that?

Brave choice.

So, where have you been?

You haven't like uploaded
in like two days.

People think you're dead.


There's like Where's Barbi
memes all over the web.


I was here.


Like here?

For two days?

Yeah, I was totally lost.

No way!

Shut up, shut up!

You were here,
lost for two days?

What about the internets?

Well, I had no signal,

and then naturally,
my cellphone died.

You poor thing.

But thanks.

Now that you're gone,

everyone has dropped your feed,

and I'm the number
one new selfie queen.

You snooze you lose.


I totally knew that you
were stealing my followers

and paying for subscribers.


I just have so many companies
wanting to do collabs with me.

I'm making so much money.

Good luck
making a comeback.

At least my
followers were real.

Aw, you're just a sore loser.

And by the way,

you look like you haven't
been doing your squats.

Your ass is looking flat.

Jesus, Barbi.

You get lost in the
woods for two days

and you just let everything go.



It burns!


Yeah, burn.


Too bad you didn't have
that burn to keep you warm

when you slept here for
the past two nights.

Throwing some bad shade, girl.

Here's more.

Are you wearing
your waist trainer?

Mm, no.

You should be.

You're looking a little soft.

Have you been
skipping ab day too?

- I was...
- Oh well.

Good luck.

I still can't believe you got
lost out here for two days.

There are like trails

You're such a basic, Barbi.


Oh my god, guys, guess what?

I totally just ran into
this homeless girl.

Look at her, right there.

She tried to mug me!

Like what the eff?

Hash tag real life.

I'm not kidding, people.

Like this happened,
right here, right now.

What the heck?

I don't even have like a,
a knife on me or anything,

I don't.

Oh my god, she's
looking frantic.

I mean, look at her,
she's in a pink jacket.

Like, I don't even know
what she's doing out here.

- Bag of dicks!
- She tried to steal from me.

Like, what?


Where's that trail?

It was right there.

She pointed to it
and everything.

Where did it go?

I'm gonna die
out here, I swear.

I'm totally gonna die out here.

How is this possible?


Well, that's it,

I'm officially a has-been.

Dead to the world.

She's won.

I'm done, it's over.

Jessica has finally got what
she wanted and replaced me.

I might as well go
back to the cave

and party with Red Riding
Hood and hair tutorial girl.

I'll marry butter knife guy

and we'll have little
cave-dwelling monks together.

Maybe we'll get a reality show!

The Brennans!

Hey, is that Kenny?

He's still alive?

Does that mean I'm
not a black widow?

Oh hey, you again.

Are you okay?

It's dangerous.

You need to leave, now!


What the hell is going on?

Every time I see you
it's some new shit.

That looks disgusting.

What happened to your leg!

It's classified.

I could tell you, but
I'd have to kill you.

Which at this point
might not be a bad idea.

Ugh, doesn't matter,
I'm already dead.


I work for a government agency

that deals with
extraterrestrial allies.

Oh, you mean those three
little gray guys in the forest?

I thought I was
totally tripping balls.

You met Chuck, Bob, and Steve?

I think so, maybe.

Does it hurt when you sit?

A little.


I think back on their planet
that means you're married.

Oh, ew!

No way!


Wait, hold on a second,

if they're friendly, why
are you fighting them?

No, I'm not fighting them.

Chuck, Bob, and
Steve are great guys.

A little touchy-feely,
but still great guys.

I'm fighting the other guys.

What other guys?

The eat your face
off acid for blood

world domination ones.

Look, there's a lot
of shit going on here,

but I don't have time to
tell you all that right now.

Uh, yeah.


What am I doing?

I can't just leave him again!

He's saved my ass like
three times already!

This might be the
perfect opportunity

for me to actually
do something good!

It's not like I have
anything else to live for.

I have to change my goals
from taking the best selfies

to making the world
a better place!

From this day forth,

I'll never again take a box of
doughnuts to Weight Watchers!

I'll never watch another house
full of kittens burn down!

I will never again sell
Ziploc bags full of corn syrup

as breast implants to cancer
survivors on the Dark Web.

I will never again donate
my parents' used sex toys

to children's charity.

I will never again sell
orphans into slavery!

I will never again set the
homeless on fire just for lulz!

I will not sit by and
watch another old lady

get dragged off by coyotes.

Never again!

And I will never,
ever eat anything

that doesn't say gluten-free!

If only I had my eyes open.

Not always staring at my phone!

Paid more attention!

What am I missing?

There is so much
more to this world

than what I see on
that tiny screen.

I'm gonna make amends for
all the things I did wrong.

Somehow, I will take
responsibility for my actions.

I will make the
world a better place.

It's time for me

to finally grab that bag
of dicks by the balls.

And I start now!

Are you okay?

My leg's pointed in
three different directions.

I wish that beam put me together
a little bit straighter.


Oh, easy kid.

Where'd you learn
to shoot like that?

I'm from Texas.

My dad was a Marine,

and my granny has a
bigger gun than yours.

This is gonna hurt.

Are you sure you
know what you're doing?

Um, nah.


Looks ratchet.

What the hell are you doing?

Taking off a waist trainer.

What the hell are
you gonna do with that?

Won't fit my waist.

It's steel-boned.

Oh you've gotta be kidding me.

I am not kidding you.

Pink is not my color.

It's gonna have
to work for now.

There was a girl in
a suit in the forest

stuck under a rock.

Do you know what
happened to her?

Um, yeah, it's kinda messy.

Um, rogue double agent,
Homeland Security,

stole something very valuable.

You haven't seen a briefcase
around here, have you?

You mean this?

Um, yeah, that's, uh,

that's definitely it.


Um, this looks pretty good.

Can you move?

Yeah, I can move.

I can't dance, but I can move.

You know, you're
pretty good at this.

You ever considered a
career in government work?

Could use someone
with your skills,

but you'd have to leave
your old life behind.

Well, I've been
offline for two days,

so everybody already
thinks I'm dead.

We can give you
a cool code name like, uh,


Oh, samurai with no master.

I like it.

Oh that's actually
just the name

of my favorite sushi
joint down in Soho,

but I like what you said too.

Hey, Chuck, Bob, and Steve,

why aren't they helping
you fight the bad guys?

No, those guys
are lovers, not fighters,

but they make great tech.

Here, hold this.

Yeah, need immediate extraction.

You talk to your MP3 player?

You know, you're,
you're kinda cute.

Welcome to your new life.

Take us up.

Hey, hey,
there's my car!

No no no, you guys can
just drop me off here.


not bad for a long weekend.

Three husbands, and
Kenny's kinda cute.

I'm sure Chuck, Bob, and Steve
are gonna be totally chill

with me seeing other people.

If it's outside
the solar system,

it probably doesn't
count, right?

So much for being a spinster.

I can't wait to go home
and take a nice shower.

Oh, wait.

I need my keys, duh.

Where did I put those?

Gotta be in here somewhere.

I left them right here.

I left them right here.

Oh no.

Where did I leave them last?

Hey, can I, can I
put my keys on you?

Yeah, sure.

OMG, that's right.

Bag of dick!

right, after all that.

I had a spaceship,

and now I have to take the bus.





As if I haven't had
enough, I lose my keys too.

What kind of freaking
world is this?

Haven't I had enough
of this world?

This is terrible.

What am I gonna do now?

Oh my god, grandma.

What are you doing here?

Get in the car.

Oh my god!

Thank you so much!

You have no idea what
I've just been through

for the last two days!

Well not
anymore, you're okay now.

Yes, thank you!


Subtitles by explosiveskull