Breakfast on Pluto (2005) Movie Script

*[Sugar Baby Love

by The Rubettes playing]

[man yelling]

(man)

YOU CAN THROW A FAST ONE.

* SUGAR BABY LOVE

* I DIDN'T MEAN

TO MAKE YOU BLUE *

HOW ABOUT IT, KITTEN?

WHAT'S THE CHANCE

OF A BIT TONIGHT?

OH, WHY, YES,

OF COURSE, BOYS.

I'LL LEAVE

THE FRONT DOOR OPEN

AND YOU CAN ALL TROOP

IN AND GIVE ME A JAB.

NOT UP TO IT, THEN?

YOU INNOCENT,

SHOVEL-WIELDING,

HORNY-HANDED SONS

OF THE NATIVE SOD.

NOT MANY PEOPLE

ARE, MUNCHKIN.

NOT MANY PEOPLE

CAN TAKE THE TALE

OF PATRICK BRADEN

A.K.A. SAINT KITTEN,

WHO STRUTTED THE CATWALKS,

FACE LIT BY A HALO

OF FLASHBULBS

AS, "OH!" SHE SHRIEKED,

"I TOLD YOU,

FROM MY BEST SIDE, DARLINGS."

(Patrick)

I WAS BORN, YOU SEE, MUNCHKIN,

IN A SMALL TOWN

NEAR THE IRISH BORDER.

I WAS LEFT IN A BASKET

ON A CERTAIN DOORSTEP

AND ONLY THE ROBINS KNEW WHY.

OH, BUT THEN, THEY KNEW

EVERYBODY'S BUSINESS.

THOSE RED-BREASTED

BUSYBODIES.

EVERY SECRET BEHIND

EVERY LACE-CURTAIN WINDOW.

[twittering]

UH-OH, BEHIND YOU!

* SUGAR BABY LOVE

* I DIDN'T MEAN

TO MAKE YOU BLUE *

[twittering]

THIS LOOKS LIKE TROUBLE.

[twittering]

OH, DEAR!

* SUGAR BABY LOVE

[twittering]

LET'S GO.

* I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOU

[baby bawling]

* PEOPLE, TAKE MY ADVICE

* IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE,

DON'T THINK TWICE *

* LOVE YOUR BABY LOVE

* SUGAR BABY LOVE

* LOVE HER ANYWAY

* LOVE HER EVERY DAY *

ROBINS! WOULD YOU

BELIEVE IT, FATHER?

PECKING AT THE CREAM.

I SUPPOSE IT'S CHRISTMAS

MORNING, AFTER ALL.

IS YOUR BREAKFAST ALL RIGHT?

WELL, I'LL GET READY

FOR MASS, SO. GOD BLESS.

GOD BLESS.

HE HASN'T BEEN

HIMSELF LATELY, SO.

[twittering]

NO, HE HASN'T BEEN

HIMSELF AT ALL,

[twittering]

SINCE THE BLONDE

HOUSEKEEPER LEFT.

[twittering]

THE ONE THAT LOOKED

LIKE THE FILM STAR

[twittering]

WITH THE

BUBBLE-CUT CURLS.

[twittering]

MITZI GAYNOR!

JUST THE JOB.

(woman on T.V.)

MR. STEED?

CUTEX CORAL PINK.

(Steed)

YES.

WHAT A CHARMING

ATMOSPHERE YOU HAVE HERE.

DO YOU MIND?

(woman)

NOT AT ALL.

THANK YOU.

OOH, WILL YOU

HAVE A LOVE SEAT?

THE LOVE SEAT? WHY NOT?

MR. LOVEJOY WILL

SEE YOU IN A MOMENT.

HE'S JUST CONGRATULATING

ONE OF OUR HAPPY COUPLES.

HOW VERY ENCOURAGING.

YES.

UH, PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE

A GLASS OF CHAMPERS?

CHAMPERS? NOW YOU'RE TALKING.

OR, A PIECE OF

WEDDING CAKE?

NO, THANK YOU.

I'VE JUST HAD BREAKFAST.

(man)

MR. STEED?

MY GOOD SHOES!

MY GOOD SHOES,

YOU LITTLE BRAT!

(Caroline)

DO IT HARDER, MAMMY.

TEACH HIM NOT TO

WEAR MY DRESS AGAIN.

HE'LL MAKE A DISGRACE OF US?

WELL, YOU'LL NOT!

DO YOU REALLY HAVE TO?

I'LL MARCH YOU

UP AND DOWN THE STREET

AND DISGRACE YOU

IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE TOWN.

PROMISE?

HIT HIM WITH IT, MA!

GIVE HIM THE BRUSH AGAIN!

SAY, "I AM NOT A GIRL."

I'M NOT A GIRL.

"I AM A BOY.

I'M NOT A GIRL."

I'M A BOY, NOT A GIRL.

SAY IT RIGHT.

MAKE HIM

SAY IT RIGHT, MA.

MY HEART BROKE

FROM THE CURSED DAY

I EVER TOOK YOU IN.

(commentator on T.V.)

A SHORT ONE BY GARETH CAREY,

UP ALONG THE FAR WING

TO TONY HADDON.

TONY HADDON,

40 YARDS OUT NOW, FROM THE...

OFF HE GOES THEN,

THE BALL ACROSS HIM

TOWARDS THE CENTER.

AND COMING, ALFRED WHITNEY.

HE'S CAPPED THERE.

WELL DOWN OVER HIS EYES

IS, UH, NICK BRADY.

THE BALL COMES OVER.

WHO'S GOT IT? REID MORGAN.

REID MORGAN

GETS THE 35-YARD...

BROTHER BARNABAS

SAYS HE'LL TRY YOU

ON THE FOOTBALL TEAM

AND I WANT YOU

TO READ THIS.

HEADING HIGH AND TO THE RIGHT,

AND YES, IT IS...

IT'S GONE OVER THE BAR

FOR THE FIRST

GOAL OF THE GAME.

[crowd cheering on T.V.]

PADDY GARDY.

THE FIRST GOAL OF THE GAME.

PADDY GARDY TOOK ONE

FROM THIS SIDE.

IT HAD A CURL ON IT,

AND ONE HAD TO WAIT

UNTIL THE UMPIRES

GAVE THEIR DECISION

AS TO WHETHER IT

WAS IN OR NOT. IT WAS.

AND I CALL MY MOTHER NAMES.

(Liam)

WELL, YOU KNOW,

YOU--YOU--YOU

SHOULDN'T DO THAT, MY SON.

WHAT DO YOU CALL HER?

HAIRY ARSE.

HAIRY ARSE AND BOCKEDY HOLE.

AND CUNTHOOKS.

[clears throat]

[sighing]

[beeping]

STAY WHERE YOU ARE!

YOU MUST NOT PROCEED.

JESUS!

YOU MUST NOT CURSE.

IF YOU CURSE,

YOU'LL BE EXTERMINATED.

HOLY FUCK!

YOU'VE BEEN WARNED,

EARTHLING.

NOW YOU MUST DIE!

NO, DALEK, PLEASE.

SAUSAGES, SAUSAGES,

STAY WHERE YOU ARE.

YES, YES, OF COURSE!

PLEASE DON'T SHOOT!

[imitating gun firing]

(Charlie)

LAWRENCE, COME ON.

NOT NOW,

I'M BUSY. I'M BUSY.

COME ON.

I'M BUSY.

OH, FIGGLY BOOGLES, I'M DEAD.

(Patrick)

DIE FOR IRELAND?

I'M SORRY,

BUT IT APPEARED TO ME

THAT SOMEONE HERE

HAD TAKEN LEAVE

OF THEIR SENSES.

(Irwin)

ARE YOU PLAYING THE GAME

OR NOT, BRADEN?

ME PLAY!

DYING FOR IRELAND.

EARTHLING,

STAY WHERE YOU ARE!

WELL, COME ON,

ENGLISHMAN, A BULLET, PLEASE.

[Charlie chuckling]

AND NEXT UP IS

THE DASHING FEELY

SPORTING A SMOKING JACKET,

FEDORA HAT, AND SUNGLASSES

BY GUCCI.

MADAM.

[giggling]

THE MAN HIMSELF.

[grunting]

YOUR MOTHER WILL

BE BACK IN A WHILE.

OH.

SO HOW'S PATRICK

AND THE BRADEN HOUSEHOLD?

THEY'RE WELL, MR. FEELY.

ESPECIALLY MY MOTHER,

WHEREVER SHE IS.

SO SOMEONE'S TOLD

YOU SOMETHING, PATRICK?

THEY DON'T HAVE TO.

HAIRY ARSE BRADEN

TELLS ME EVERY DAY.

AH, PATRICK, NOW...

I'M SORRY, MR. FEELY.

YOU KNOW, I SAW HER ONCE,

YOUR REAL MOTHER,

LONG AFTER THE DAY SHE LEFT.

IT WAS IN LONDON.

I WAS DOING WORK

FOR GENIE MCQUILLAN.

I WAS GOING HOME

THROUGH PICCADILLY

AND THERE,

PASSING BY, WAS EILY BERGIN.

(Benny)

LOVELY AS THE DAY SHE LEFT,

I SWEAR IT TO GOD.

(Patrick)

DID YOU TALK TO HER,

MR. FEELY?

WHAT DID SHE SAY?

I SHOUTED AFTER HER, PATRICK,

BUT SHE DIDN'T HEAR.

LONDON SWALLOWED HER UP.

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL

GIRL IN THE TOWN.

BIGGEST CITY IN THE WORLD...

IT SWALLOWED MY MOTHER UP.

WHAT ABOUT MY FATHER,

MR. FEELY?

I WOULDN'T KNOW

ABOUT THAT, SON.

THINGS BE COMPLICATED,

YOU KNOW.

WHAT DID SHE LOOK LIKE?

MITZI GAYNOR, SON.

THAT'S WHO SHE

LOOKED LIKE, MITZI.

MITZI GAYNOR.

[gunshots on T.V.]

WELL, FUCK ME PINK

WITH A HAIRY ARSE!

IN THE NAME OF

THE FATHER AND THE SON

AND THE HOLY SPIRIT, AMEN.

[whispering]

YOU SEE, ONCE UPON A TIME,

THERE WAS A YOUNG GIRL

NAMED EILY BERGIN

WHO LOOKED NOT UNLIKE

THE WELL-KNOWN

FILM STAR MITZI GAYNOR

WHO SANG I'M GONNA WASH

THAT MAN RIGHT OUTTA MY HAIR.

AND SHE WENT TO LONDON,

THE BIGGEST CITY IN THE WORLD,

WHICH SWALLOWED HER UP.

BUT BEFORE SHE VANISHED,

I THINK SHE

WORKED AS A PRIEST'S

HOUSEKEEPER, FATHER.

BUT I COULD BE

WRONG THERE, COULDN'T I?

I MEAN, I COULD BE WRONG.

AFTER ALL, I...

ALL I WANTED WAS HER ADDRESS.

(Mr. Egan)

THERE BETWEEN THE PO

AND THE APENNINES, BOYS

THE CLIMATE IS

ALWAYS THE SAME.

THE LANDSCAPE NEVER CHANGES

AND IN COUNTRY LIKE THIS

YOU CAN STOP ALONG

ANY ROAD FOR A MOMENT

AND LOOK AT A FARMHOUSE

SITTING IN THE MIDDLE

OF MAIZE AND HEMP,

AND IMMEDIATELY

A STORY IS BORN.

NOW, WHEN YOU'RE WRITING

YOUR ESSAY FOR ME

THIS MORNING,

WHATEVER FORM IT TAKES

IS UP TO YOU.

IT CAN BE CALLED

"I FOUGHT IN

THE EASTER RISING,"

"I WAS DRACULA'S GIRLFRIEND,"

OR EVEN "A DAY IN

THE LIFE OF AN OLD BOOT".

YOU'VE GOT ONE HOUR,

SO LEARN TO WRITE.

"GOD BLESS US.

"IT'S YOURSELF..."

AH, GOD BLESS US.

IT'S YOURSELF, MA'AM.

IT IS INDEED, FATHER.

(Patrick)

...REMARKED

RANDY FATHER LIAM

AS HE OPENED THE DOOR

TO A YOUNG WOMAN

WHO BORE

A STARTLING RESEMBLANCE

TO MITZI GAYNOR.

SO YOU ARE THE REPLACEMENT

FOR MRS. MCGLYNN?

(Eily)

I AM INDEED, FATHER.

DESTROYED WITH

THE LUMBAGO, SHE IS.

DESTROYED,

AND THAT'S A FACT.

BUT SURE SHE'LL BE

BACK ON HER FEET SOON,

PLEASE GOD.

PLEASE GOD SHE WILL, NOW.

BUT TELL ME THIS,

HAVE I BEGUN TO DOTE

OR DO YOU REMIND ME

OF SOMEONE SPECIAL?

WHEN SHE SENSED A MOVEMENT

UNDERNEATH HIS

BLACK SERGE TROUSERS.

OH, FATHER, PLEASE,

HOW COULD I?

WHEN I'VE GONE

OUT OF MY WAY

KNOWING THAT

YOUR DICKY DOODLE,

NAUGHTY POOPSTER THAT HE IS,

GIVEN THE SLIGHTEST

ENCOURAGEMENT,

WOULD BE ONLY TOO EAGER

TO GET UP TO MISCHIEF.

DOWN, BOY! NAUGHTY DICKY.

TO CAMOUFLAGE MYSELF

AND LOOK LIKE ANY ORDINARY

OLD CURATE'S DRUDGE.

"AND MOST DEFINITELY NOT

"A PERFUME-SPRAYED VISION

"NAMED MITZI GAYNOR

"WITH A HEAD OF

BUBBLE-CUT CURLS

"THAT WOULD MAKE

ANY MAN'S PRIVATES

GO SPRONG."

I'VE GOT THE STANDARD

UNIFORM, FATHER.

THE BLUE HOUSECOAT

WITH THE BOW AT THE BACK,

THE TAN STOCKINGS,

COLOR OF STALE TEA,

THE OLD HAIRNET,

WHICH SAYS TO

ALL THEM MICKIES

WHOSE DUTY IT IS

TO STAY INSIDE

AND WEAR BLACK SERGE,

"NO MICKIES TODAY.

"DOWN, BOYS.

THAT'S IT, MY SWEETS,

"OFF WITH YOU AND

SAY YOUR PRAYERS."

BREAKFAST, FATHER?

BY GOD,

AND NOW YOU'RE TALKING.

MICKEY IS DEVIOUS

AND NO MATTER

HOW MUCH YOU TELL HIM,

HE SIMPLY WON'T STAY DOWN.

BUT DRAB OLD HOUSECOATS

AND TEA-COLORED STOCKINGS

MIGHT WELL HAVE KEPT HIM DOWN

IF IT WASN'T FOR THAT

PESKY SPOT OF GREASE.

OH, THIS IS

POWERFUL ALTOGETHER.

I WOULD DO JAIL

FOR ANOTHER RASHER.

DO YOU KNOW THAT, EILY?

I'LL FRY YOU SOME MORE

THIS MINUTE, THEN, FATHER.

COME HERE, LITTLE EILY.

DID YOU HEAR THE ONE

ABOUT PEANUTS

AT CONFESSION?

NO, FATHER.

AT LEAST I DON'T THINK SO.

SAYS THE PRIEST

TO THE YOUNG FELLOW,

"DID YOU THROW PEANUTS

IN THE RIVER, TOO?"

TO WHICH THE YOUNG LAD SAYS,

"NO, FATHER, I AM PEANUTS."

[chuckling]

(Patrick)

NOT A VERY FUNNY JOKE,

BUT SHE LAUGHED

AND SHE LAUGHED.

IN FACT, YOU COULD SAY

SHE LAUGHED UNTIL SHE CRIED.

OOPS!

MY SKIRT AND HOUSECOAT

ARE RIDING UP.

BETTER ABORT

THIS TASK AT ONCE

OR WE COULD HAVE

AN EXPLODING CLERGYMAN

FILLING THE AIR WITH

PENT-UP SEXUAL ENERGY.

OH, NO!

PRIEST GROWS WINGS

IN LATEST MIRACLE.

EILY!

"WHEN SHE FOUND

HERSELF ENVELOPED

BY HIS SKIRTS."

NOW, FATHER,

IS THIS ANOTHER JOKE?

OW!

[sobbing]

THAT HURT, FATHER.

FRANK SINATRA

WOULDN'T DO THIS, FATHER.

NEITHER WOULD VIC DAMONE.

I'M ALL WET, FATHER.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING

DOWN THERE, FATHER?

ARE YOU PLAYING SQUIDGY

WITH MY FAIRY LIQUID?

BUT SHE WAS SOON TO REALIZE

IT WASN'T FAIRY LIQUID

HE'D BEEN PLAYING WITH

DOWN THERE.

THE END.

NO,

IT WASN'T

FAIRY LIQUID AT ALL.

"...PRIVATES GO SPRONG."

"PRIVATES GO...

HOW DARE YOU?

WHEN I SAID, "DEVELOP

YOUR LITERARY SKILLS,"

I DID NOT, REPEAT,

NOT, MEAN THIS.

WHY DID YOU WRITE IT?

I THOUGHT THERE

WAS A MORAL, SIR.

A LESSON, IF YOU WILL.

YOUNG GIRLS

IN MORTAL DANGER.

GET OUT OF

THIS CLASSROOM, BRADEN!

TO THE DEAN'S OFFICE!

HELLO, CLASS.

MY NAME IS MISS KITTEN

AND I'D LIKE TO TELL

YOU ABOUT THE PERILS

OF BEING

A PRIEST'S HOUSEKEEPER,

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU LOOK

LIKE MITZI GAYNOR.

HANDS UP WHO CAN TELL ME

WHO MITZI GAYNOR IS.

SO, YOU SEE, PATRICK,

WE'RE ON YOUR SIDE.

WE'RE HERE TO HELP YOU.

I DON'T THINK

YOU UNDERSTAND THAT.

WELL, NO,

YOU'RE WRONG, FATHER. I DO.

SO, IF YOU CAN THINK OF

ANYTHING THAT WOULD HELP US

TO HELP YOU, WELL...

WELL,

THERE IS ONE THING, FATHER.

INSTEAD OF P.E....

YEAH.

...I COULD TAKE

HOME ECONOMICS

AND NEEDLEWORK CLASS.

AND YOU THINK

THAT WOULD HELP YOU, UH,

KNUCKLE DOWN

AND APPLY YOURSELF?

WHAT'S THAT, PATRICK?

OH, AND YOU CAN

CALL ME KITTEN, FATHER.

KITTEN?

YES, PATRICK KITTEN BRADEN,

AFTER SAINT KITTEN.

WELL, NOW, THERE WAS

NO SAINT KITTEN, PATRICK.

OH, NO, BUT THERE WAS

A SAINT CETTIN, FATHER,

AND SOME HAVE BEEN

KNOWN TO CALL HIM,

OR WAS IT A HER,

KITTEN.

SAINT KITTEN?

MM-HMM.

HE OR SHE WAS AN ACOLYTE

OF SAINT PATRICK.

WORE A DRESS. AS DID

SAINT PATRICK, ACTUALLY.

A HAIRY DRESS.

QUITE RUINED

HER COMPLEXION.

[Charlie laughs]

AND THEY'RE FOR

YOUR SISTER, PATRICK?

MM-HMM.

OH, SHE REALLY

NEEDS A BIT OF GLAMOUR

IN HER LIFE, MRS. COYLE.

BUT THEN AGAIN, DON'T WE ALL?

(reporter on T.V.)

THE TROUBLE BROKE OUT

AS THE MINISTER OF STATE

FOR NORTHERN IRELAND,

MR. CHANNON,

WAS VISITING DERRY

TO SEE BUSINESSMEN THERE

FOR THE SECOND TIME

INSIDE A MONTH.

JESUS, MAMMY, I'M EXHAUSTED.

AT LEAST YOU

HAVE A JOB

WHICH IS MORE THAN

THAT WASTER YONDER

IS EVER LIKELY TO HAVE.

NOW, ONE MORE COMPLAINT

FROM THAT SCHOOL

AND IT'LL NOT BE GOOD FOR YOU,

BY CHRIST, IT'LL NOT.

OH, MAMMY?

DO YOU HAVE

THE PRICE OF THE DANCE

AND A CUP OF COFFEE?

PRICE OF THE DANCE

AND A CUP OF COFFEE?

PRICE OF THE DANCE

AND A CUP OF COFFEE?

WELL, DO YOU THINK

I'M MADE OF MONEY?

DO YOU THINK

I'M MADE OF MONEY, EH?

EH, EH.

WILL YOU JUST

HAND OVER THE CASH?

WILL YOU JUST

FORK OUT THE MONEY

AND STOP BLATHERING,

YOU FUCKING

WHISKERY OLD WHORE.

HERE. AND DON'T

ASK ME AGAIN.

WELL, THANK YOU

SO MUCH, MAMMY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

*[You're Such A

Good Looking Woman

playing]

* WHEN GOD CREATED

A WOMAN FOR ME *

* HE MUST HAVE BEEN

IN A BEAUTIFUL MOOD *

* TO SHOW THE WORLD

WHAT A WOMAN COULD BE *

* WHEN HE CREATED

A WOMAN LIKE YOU *

[girls screaming]

* HE MADE THE SUNSHINE

RIGHT OUT OF YOUR EYES *

* AND HE MADE THE MOONGLOW

ALL OVER YOUR HAIR *

* HE PUT A SOFT SUMMER

BREEZE IN YOUR SIGHS *

* SO YOU COULD BREATHE SUMMER

INTO THE AIR *

NO. NO, NO,

NO, NO, NO.

WHY NOT?

I'M NOT OBLIGED TO

GIVE YOU ANY REASONS,

BUT I'LL GIVE YOU 2 ANYWAY.

HIM AND HER.

DON'T HAVE TO STAND

FOR THIS, DO WE, PADDY?

OH, PADDY'S HER NAME.

WELL, THAT'S REASON NUMBER 3.

DID YOU EVER

RIDE A MAN, LUKIE?

NO, BUT I RODE

A MAN THAT DID.

[all laughing]

(Irwin)

FUCK YOU.

EVENING.

HOW YOU DOING?

MIKEY, GO GET THE LADS.

(bouncer)

I'M WARNING YOU,

GET OUT OF HERE!

* WITH AN ANGEL AT HIS SIDE

FUCK THEM

AND THEIR ROB STRONG.

WE'LL GO TO THE GLEN.

[motorbike engines revving]

EXCUSE ME.

CAN WE HAVE A LIFT?

[engine starting]

GET ON.

MOVING OUT.

[Patrick squeals]

* D'YOU KNOW WHAT

THEY HAD FORGOTTEN TO DO *

* UP THERE WHERE THEY MADE

ALL THOSE HEAVENLY THINGS *

* THEY MADE AN ANGEL

AS LOVELY AS YOU *

* BUT THEY'D FORGOTTEN

TO FIT YOU WITH WINGS *

(biker #1)

DRUIDS, MAN.

WE'RE LIKE THE BORDER KNIGHTS.

KNEW ALL ABOUT

THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM.

NO, LAWRENCE!

NO. EXCU--EXCUSE ME, PLEASE.

OPEN HIS EYES.

WHAT DO YOU SEE, BRO?

SAUSAGES.

NO STARS?

STARS AND SAUSAGES.

[bikers laughing]

(biker #1)

NOW YOU'RE TALKING.

GOTTA GET

BEHIND THE SURFACE.

YES, SURFACE.

I SEE 4 GREEN FIELDS,

BRITS IN ONE OF THEM.

NOT FOR FUCKING LONG.

HEY, NO POLITICS, MAN.

BORDER KNIGHTS

DON'T ALLOW THEM.

JAMS THE ASTRAL HIGHWAY.

SO WHY DO YOU CALL YOURSELVES

THE BORDER KNIGHTS?

BECAUSE THE ONLY

BORDER THAT MATTERS

IS THE ONE BETWEEN

WHAT'S IN FRONT

AND WHAT

YOU'VE LEFT BEHIND.

WHEN I RIDE MY HOG,

YOU THINK I'M RIDING

THE ROAD?

NO WAY, MAN.

I'M TRAVELING FROM

THE PAST INTO THE FUTURE

WITH A DRUID AT MY BACK.

DRUID MAN OR DRUID WOMAN?

THAT DOESN'T MATTER.

WHAT MATTERS IS THE JOURNEY.

YOU KNOW WHERE

IT GOES, BABY?

WHERE?

* WE'LL VISIT THE STARS

AND JOURNEY TO MARS *

* FINDING OUR BREAKFAST

* ON PLUTO *

PLUTO?

PLUTO.

[barking]

NO, NOT PLUTO THE DOG.

PLUTO THE PLANET.

[cackling]

NAMED BY PERCIVAL LOWELL

AND WILLIAM H. PICKERING,

AFTER THE INVISIBLE

KING OF THE UNDERWORLD.

*[Me And My Arrow playing]

* STRAIGHTER THAN NARROW

YOU THINK ABOUT THAT.

[barking]

[all laughing]

* EVERYONE KNOWS

* IT'S ME AND MY ARROW

OH, KISS ME,

JOSEPH.

KISS ME,

JOSEPH HANRATTY.

I'LL BEAT YOUR FUCKING...

* ME AND MY ARROW

* TAKING THE HIGH ROAD

(Dean)

NOW, BOYS AND GIRLS,

A RETREAT IS TIME FOR

PRAYER AND REFLECTION.

SOME OF YOU MAY

HAVE ALREADY NOTICED

THAT YOUR BODIES ARE

GOING THROUGH SOME CHANGES

AND I WOULD LIKE

YOU TO FEEL FREE

TO APPROACH US

ABOUT ANY PROBLEM

THAT CONCERNS YOU.

SO, I WILL LEAVE

THIS PROBLEM BOX

HERE BY THE ALTAR RAILS.

NO PROBLEM

SHOULD BE PRECLUDED.

AFTER ALL,

THAT IS WHY WE ARE HERE.

* ME AND MY ARROW

NOW, DOES EVERYONE REMEMBER

LAST WEEK

WE WERE TALKING ABOUT...

* STRAIGHTER THAN NARROW

* WHEREVER WE GO *

YOU'LL NOT BRING MY

RETREAT INTO DISREPUTE,

DO YOU HEAR ME?

HOW DARE IT.

HOW DARE YOU, YOU PUP YOU...

SIR, YOU'RE HURTING ME.

WHAT DID YOU WRITE

ON THE PAPER, PATRICK?

NOTHING.

JUST, DID HE KNOW ANY PLACE

THAT DOES A GOOD SEX CHANGE?

[church bells tolling]

[door slamming]

DISGRACED!

DISGRACED IN FRONT

OF THE WHOLE TOWN,

SO WE ARE! OH, JESUS!

(Caroline)

HOW COULD YOU DO IT, PADDY?

MAMMY HAS A BAD HEART!

AND NOW YOU'VE BROKEN IT.

(Ma Braden)

OH, GOD, OH, GOD!

OH, JESUS CHRIST. MY ARM!

SHE'S NOT MY MAMMY.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

I'M SORRY, CAZ.

SORRY, MAMMY,

WHEREVER YOU ARE.

OH, STOP IT,

PATRICK, PLEASE!

WHY WON'T YOU STOP IT

AND LET US GET ON

WITH OUR LIVES?

I'M SORRY, CAZ.

I NEVER MEANT TO HURT YOU.

AFTER ALL, WE'VE

BOTH BEEN THROUGH THIS--

GET AWAY!

GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME,

YOU CREATURE!

OH, FIGGLY BOOGLES.

WHAT'S THE POINT?

THAT'S IT,

I'VE TRIED MY BEST. I'M OFF.

*[You're Breakin'

My Heart playing]

* YOU'RE BREAKIN' MY HEART,

YOU'RE TEARIN' IT APART *

* SO FUCK YOU

* ALL I WANT TO DO

IS HAVE A GOOD TIME *

ARE YOU GOING TO SCOTSFIELD,

BY ANY CHANCE?

WE'D BETTER BE.

WE'RE PLAYING THERE TONIGHT.

GET IN THE BACK.

* YOU WANNA BOOGALOO,

RUN DOWN TO TRAMPS *

* HAVE A DANCE OR TWO

HELLO.

* YOU'RE BREAKIN' MY HEART,

YOU'RE TEARIN' IT APART *

* BUT FUCK YOU

* YOU'RE BREAKIN' MY HEART,

YOU'RE TEARIN' IT APART *

* OOH, OOH *

(Billy)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF

THIS TROUBLE UP NORTH?

OH, I THINK IT'S

AN ABSOLUTE TERROR.

DO YOU THINK SO, YEAH?

(Patrick)

OH, I DO IT.

A TERROR TO THE

LIVING WORLD, SO IT IS.

I DON'T THINK

YOU CARE EITHER WAY,

MY GOOD-LOOKING

YOUNG FRIEND.

NO, I KNOW HOW SERIOUS IT IS.

THEY THINK THEY CAN

BREAK US, DON'T THEY?

HANG PADDY

FROM THE CEILING.

FUCK HIM

FROM A HELICOPTER.

GIVE HIM A DOSE

OF WHITE NOISE.

SHOVE ELECTRODES UP HIS ARSE.

NOW, REALLY, MR.--

HATCHETT.

THEY CALL ME BILLY HATCHETT.

PLEASED TO MEET YOU,

MR. HATCHETT.

YOU REALLY DON'T

KNOW WHO I AM, DO YOU?

I HAVEN'T HAD

THE PLEASURE.

DO YOU HEAR THAT, LADS?

HE'S NEVER HEARD

OF BILLY HATCHETT

AND THE MOHAWKS.

* WOOMBA, WOOMBA,

WOOMBA, WOOMBA *

* WOOMBA, WOOMBA, WOOMBA

* BY THE BANKS OF THE RIVER

* LIVED A SWEET INDIAN MAID

* RUNNING BEAR,

LITTLE WHITE DOVE *

[all ululating]

* HIAWATHA DIDN'T

BOTHER TOO MUCH *

* ABOUT MINNIE HA-HA

AND HER TENDER TOUCH *

* TILL SHE TOOK HIM

TO THE SILVER STREAM *

* THEN SHE WHISPERED WORDS

LIKE HE HAD NEVER HEARD *

* THAT MADE HIM ALL

SHIVER INSIDE WHEN SHE SAID *

* WIG-WAM BAM,

GONNA MAKE YOU MY MAN *

* WAM BAM BAM,

GONNA GET YOU IF I CAN *

* WIG-WAM BAM,

GONNA MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND *

* TRY A LITTLE TOUCH,

TRY A LITTLE TOO MUCH *

* JUST TRY

A LITTLE WIG-WAM BAM *

* RUNNING BEAR

NEVER CARED ENOUGH *

* ABOUT LITTLE WHITE DOVE

AND HER TENDER LOVE *

* TILL SHE TOOK HIM

TO THE SILVER STREAM *

* SHE TOLD HIM ALL ABOUT

* WHAT HE COULDN'T

LIVE WITHOUT *

* AND MADE HIM ALL WEAK

INSIDE WHEN SHE SAID *

* WIG-WAM BAM,

GONNA MAKE YOU MY MAN *

* WAM BAM BAM,

GONNA GET YOU IF I CAN *

* WIG-WAM BAM,

GONNA MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND *

* TRY A LITTLE TOUCH,

TRY A LITTLE TOO MUCH *

* JUST TRY

A LITTLE WIG-WAM BAM *

(Billy)

SO, HAVE YOU SOMEWHERE

TO STAY TONIGHT, PADDY?

OR SHOULD I CALL YOU PATRICK?

(Patrick)

YOU CAN CALL ME

KITTEN, DARLING.

KITTEN?

MMM-HMM.

AFTER SAINT CETTIN.

HE OR SHE WAS AN ACOLYTE

OF PATRICK, SAINT PATRICK.

SO YOU HAVE SOMEWHERE

TO STAY, THEN?

MAMMY THREW ME OUT,

I'M AFRAID.

WELL, I COULD ALWAYS,

UH, PUT YOU UP IN THE VAN.

IT'S NOT MUCH, BUT I COULD.

MR. HATCHETT!

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME, KITTEN.

*[Honey

by Bobby Goldsboro playing]

* AND, HONEY, I MISS YOU

I'LL BE OFF TO THE HOTEL,

THEN, KITTEN.

[Patrick mewing]

I'D STAY THE NIGHT.

I'D STAY THE NIGHT,

BUT THE BOYS...

THE BOYS MIGHT

GET THE WRONG IDEA.

NO, I'VE GOTTA GO.

I'VE GOTTA GO.

OH, PLEASE DON'T GO JUST YET.

OH, KITTEN.

I GOTTA GO. I REALLY HAVE.

* SHE WAS SAD

* AND SO AFRAID

THAT I'D BE MAD *

BILLY! BILLY, BILLY.

* THOUGH I PRETENDED

HARD TO BE *

IT'S BOBBY GOLDSBORO.

* GUESS YOU COULD SAY

SHE SAW THROUGH ME *

USED TO HELP ME

GET TO SLEEP.

HIS WIFE DIES.

YOU SEE, SHE DIES

WHEN HE'S AWAY FROM HOME.

OH, KITTEN,

I'VE GOTTA GO NOW.

BILLY.

I REALLY HAVE.

AND IT WAS IN

THE EARLY SPRING *

IF YOU WERE

AWAY WITH THE BAND

* WHEN FLOWERS

BLOOM AND ROBINS SING,

SHE WENT AWAY *

AND YOU CAME HOME

AND YOU FOUND ME LYING THERE,

LIKE BOBBY'S WIFE...

* AND I'M BEING GOOD

WHAT ABOUT IT?

* AND I'D LOVE

TO BE WITH YOU *

WHAT?

WOULD YOU TAKE ME

TO THE HOSPITAL?

OH, OF COURSE I WOULD.

OF COURSE I WOULD, KITTEN.

OH, I WISH

THAT COULD HAPPEN.

(Running Bear)

I'VE SEEN IT ALL NOW.

I TELL YOU,

I'VE FUCKING WELL

SEEN IT ALL NOW.

WHERE THE FUCK

DO YOU THINK

HE DISAPPEARED TO

WHEN WE WERE

IN SAN FRANCISCO?

I'D EVEN BRING YOU FLOWERS.

* NOW ALL I HAVE IS MEMORIES

ROSES?

ROSES.

OH, BILLY.

OH, KITTEN.

BILLY.

* WHERE HONEY LIVED

AND HONEY PLAYED *

* AND LOVE GREW UP *

FOR I ASK YOU,

BILLY BOBBY, NICEST MAN,

WHAT'S AN INDIAN

BAND WITHOUT A SQUAW?

"A SQUAW?"

[people chattering]

* YOUNG WOMAN

SHARE YOUR FIRE WITH ME *

* MY HEART IS COLD,

MY SOUL IS FREE *

* I AM A STRANGER

IN YOUR LAND *

* A WANDERING MAN,

CALL ME SAND *

* OH SIR MY FIRE

IS VERY SMALL *

* IT WILL NOT WARM

THY HEART AT ALL *

[man cheering]

* BUT THEE MAY

TAKE ME BY THE HAND *

* HOLD ME AND

I'LL CALL THEE SAND *

* YOUNG WOMAN

SHARE YOUR FIRE WITH ME *

* MY HEART IS COLD,

MY SOUL IS FREE *

[brakes squealing]

* I AM A STRANGER

IN YOUR LAND *

* A WANDERING MAN,

CALL ME SAND *

NAME, PLEASE?

PADDY KITTEN.

WHAT'S YOURS, DARLING?

I COULD TELL YOU

WERE A PADDY ALL RIGHT.

WHAT ABOUT GERONIMO?

WHAT WOULD I KNOW?

I'M JUST A MICK.

13 OF YOUR LOT

SHOT IN DERRY.

WHAT DO YOU

KNOW ABOUT THAT?

MAYBE YOU'D KNOW ABOUT

13 LESS TO DEAL WITH.

FUCK OFF, MATE.

(Billy)

FUCK OFF.

* OH, SIR, MY FIRE

IS BURNING HIGH *

* IF IT SHOULD STOP,

SIR, I WOULD DIE *

* A SHOOTING STAR

HAS CROSSED MY LAND *

* WANDERING MAN

[men yelling]

(Billy)

* SAND

GET OFF THE FUCKING STAGE,

YOU STUPID BITCH.

[crowd protesting]

* NOW WARMS HERSELF

WITH MEMORY *

(Billy)

PATRICK, I, I--I DON'T KNOW

HOW TO SAY THIS TO YOU.

IT'S--IT'S THE BOYS,

THE BOYS IN THE BAND.

THEY FEEL A SQUAW

JUST ISN'T WORKING OUT.

[Patrick whimpers]

(Patrick)

IT COULD BE

THEY HAVE A POINT.

THEY SAY IT

DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT.

I DON'T KNOW,

THEY'VE BEEN

WITH ME SO LONG AND...

[sighing]

I'M SORRY.

BUT I HAVE

A LITTLE PROPOSAL.

[gasping]

A RING, PERHAPS?

OH, PATRICK, PATRICK...

SHH.

I TOLD YOU NOT

TO CALL ME THAT.

I'M SORRY, KITTEN.

*[Me and Mrs. Jones playing]

BOBBY BILLY,

WOULD YOU BRING

ME SWEETIES, TOO?

YOU KNOW I WOULD.

(Patrick)

WHAT KIND

WOULD THEY BE?

OH, FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS.

(Patrick)

NO. NO, QUALITY STREET.

(Billy)

QUALITY STREET?

* ME AND MRS. JONES

* WE GOT A THING

* GOIN' ON

IT WAS MY MOTHER'S.

SHE LEFT IT TO ME

IN HER WILL.

NOBODY STAYS HERE,

AND I--I NEED SOMEBODY

TO LOOK AFTER IT, KITTEN.

WHAT DO YOU RECKON?

HOUSE OF DREAMS AND LONGING.

I WOULDN'T EXACTLY

CALL IT A HOUSE,

BUT TELL US WHAT YOU THINK.

* WE MEET EVERY DAY

* AT THE SAME CAFE

OH, TO HAVE A LITTLE HOUSE.

TO OWN THE HEARTH,

STOOL AND ALL.

SO, KITTEN, CAN I

COME AND VISIT YOU

EVERY NOW AND AGAIN?

OF COURSE YOU CAN,

YOU GREAT, BIG, SILLY

BOBBY GOLDSBORO.

YOU DON'T EVEN

HAVE TO ASK.

* WHILE THE JUKEBOX PLAYS

OUR FAVORITE SONGS *

* ME AND MRS.

* MRS. JONES

* MRS. JONES,

MRS. JONES, MRS. JONES *

* WE GOT A THING

* GOIN' ON

* WE BOTH KNOW

THAT IT'S WRONG *

* BUT IT'S MUCH TOO STRONG

* TO LET IT GO NOW

WELL, GOODNESS GRACIOUS,

ICKY-OAKIE ME.

* WE GOTTA BE EXTRA CAREFUL

* THAT DO WE DON'T BUILD

OUR HOPES UP TOO HIGH *

* BECAUSE SHE'S GOT

* HER OWN OBLIGATIONS

* AND SO, AND SO, DO I

WHAT?

WHAT'S WITH DIANA ROSS?

LEAVE HIM BE,

HE KNOWS NOTHING.

KEEP IT THAT WAY.

NO PROBLEM.

* MRS. JONES,

MRS. JONES, MRS. JONES *

[car door slamming]

[car engine starting]

* WE GOT A THING GOIN' ON *

* CAPTAIN HEELEY WENT AWAY

* AND HIS WIFE

GOT IN THE FAMILY WAY *

* AND THE ONLY WORDS

THAT SHE WOULD SAY WAS *

* "BLAME THE BRITISH ARMY"

* TOO RA LOO RA

LOO RA LOO *

* I'VE MADE ME MIND UP

WHAT TO DO *

* I'LL WORK

MY TICKET HOME TO YOU *

* AND FUCK THE BRITISH ARMY *

IF I VOLUNTEER, IRWIN,

COULD I HAVE PINK GLASSES,

PLEASE?

CAN'T YOU TAKE

ANYTHING SERIOUS?

OH, SERIOUS,

SERIOUS, SERIOUS.

YOU MIGHT HAVE TO

SOON ENOUGH.

SO FUCKING WHAT, CHARLIE?

I SELL REPUBLICAN NEWS.

A FEW FUCKING PAPERS,

BIG DEAL.

WHAT ARE YOU,

MY FUCKING WIFE?

DON'T YOU LIE TO ME, IRWIN.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOUR STORIES.

I'M INVOLVED IN NOTHING!

I SELL THEIR PAPER,

FOR ALL THE DIFFERENCE

IT MAKES IN THIS KIP.

NOBODY GIVES A FUCK!

SOON ENOUGH

THEY FUCKING WILL.

IF I FIND OUT

YOU'RE LYING TO ME,

I'LL FINISH

WITH YOU, I SWEAR!

YEAH, WELL, FINISH IT WITH ME,

SEE IF I FUCKING CARE!

[police siren wailing]

(officer #1)

COME ON, MOVE OFF THE ROAD.

THERE'S A VEHICLE

COMING THROUGH.

GET BACK.

IT'S FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY.

[horns honking]

[sirens wailing]

(officer #2)

GET THESE PEOPLE

OFF THE STREET!

I WANT EVERYONE TO MOVE AWAY

FROM THE RED VAN!

COME ON, FOLKS.

STAND BACK, PLEASE. MOVE!

(guard)

BRING IT DOWN CAREFUL NOW.

YEAH, GENTLY.

PLEASE, MOVE BACK.

MOVE BACK.

(officer #2)

NOW LET THE ARMY GO TO WORK.

GET BACK, NOW, GET BACK.

(officer #1)

MOVE BACK

AND CLEAR THE AREA.

THERE MAY BE

OTHER DEVICES.

(officer #2)

YOU'RE TO GET AWAY NOW.

GET BACK, NOW.

GET AWAY FROM THE STREET.

GET OFF THE STREET NOW.

(officer #1)

CLEAR THIS AREA

FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY.

MOVE BACK.

[Lawrence screams]

IT'S A DALEK. EXTERMINATE.

LAWRENCE!

EXTERMINATE. EXTERMINATE.

(Lawrence)

EXTERMINATE.

[church bells tolling]

[birds chirping]

(Liam)

DUST THOU ART, AND UNTO

DUST THOU SHALT RETURN...

[Mrs. Feely crying]

UNTIL THE LORD RAISES

YOU UP ON THE LAST DAY.

LET US PRAY FOR

OUR BROTHER LAWRENCE

TO OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST

WHO SAID,

"I AM THE RESURRECTION,

AND THE LIFE.

"THE MAN WHO BELIEVES IN ME

WILL LIVE EVEN IF HE DIES."

OUR FATHER,

WHO ART IN HEAVEN,

HALLOWED BE THY NAME.

THY KINGDOM COME

THY WILL BE DONE ON EARTH,

AS IT IS IN HEAVEN.

GIVE US THIS DAY

OUR DAILY BREAD...

SERIOUS, SERIOUS.

TIME FOR SOME

SERIOUS SPRING CLEANING.

FUCK.

DON'T YOU KNOW

WHAT THIS MEANS?

DO--DO--DO YOU KNOW

WHAT THESE GUYS

ARE LIKE, PADDY?

DON'T LET THIS COME

BETWEEN US, BILLY.

SHUT UP!

[breathing heavily]

JESUS, WHAT THE FUCK

AM I GONNA DO?

FUCKING JESUS!

TELL THEM I WAS

SPRING CLEANING, DARLING.

WHERE ARE THEY, PADDY?

TELL ME, WHERE ARE THEY?

NOW, WHAT IS THIS

YOU MEAN, MY DARLING?

THE GUNS,

YOU LITTLE FUCKING WHORE,

WHERE ARE THEY?

THE GUNS!

IT'S ALL TOO FUCKING SERIOUS!

DON'T GO FUCKING ME AROUND.

OH, ALL OF A SUDDEN

EVERYBODY'S GETTING SERIOUS.

SERIOUS, SERIOUS, SERIOUS.

I'M NOT FUCKING JOKING,

PATRICK!

WHERE ARE THEY?

I TOLD YOU TO CALL ME KITTEN.

DON'T FUCKING KNOW ME.

YOU DON'T KNOW

WHERE I'VE GONE.

AND IF THEY COME,

IF THEY FUCKING COME,

YOU TELL THEM NOTHING.

I MEAN NOTHING.

WHATEVER YOU SAY, DARLING.

YOU'RE WAY OUT OF

YOUR LEAGUE, PATRICK.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT

YOU'RE DEALING WITH.

DON'T FUCKING KNOW.

OH, I DO.

I KNOW, ALL RIGHT.

I KNOW YOU WERE ONLY JOKING

ABOUT THE ROSES

AND SWEETS, TOO, PROBABLY.

*[Everyday playing]

BUT IT WAS NICE

WHILE IT LASTED.

* AND IT WON'T EVEN SHOW

* AND NO ONE WILL KNOW

* ONE LITTLE WAVE

* TO SAY YOU'LL BEHAVE *

(Charlie)

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW

THAT YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED?

NOW THAT THEY'VE

BOMBED DOWN HERE?

ARE YOUR REPUBLICAN FRIENDS

GOOD AND HAPPY

NOW THEY CAN SEE

WHAT THEY'VE DONE?

WHAT THE FUCK

ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

IT HAD NOTHING TO

DO WITH REPUBLICANS.

WHAT THE FUCK WOULD THEY BOMB

A SOUTHERN TOWN FOR, HUH?

YOU HEAR ME, CHARLIE?

AND IF YOU WANT OUT,

JUST SAY SO.

[gravel crunching]

[banging at door]

(Horse)

OPEN THE DOOR.

[banging continues]

I CAN'T, GO AWAY.

COME BACK IN THE MORNING.

(Jackie)

OPEN IT, BITCH!

THIS IS SERIOUS!

OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!

OK, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

I'M COMING.

(Jackie)

WHERE DID HE PUT THEM?

(Patrick)

I'M AFRAID I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

THE GUNS, NANCY BOY.

WHERE DID HE PUT THE GUNS?

OH, YES, THE GUNS.

OH, BILLY BURIED THEM OUTSIDE

JUST--JUST TO BE SAFE.

GO.

THERE'S NO

FUCKING GUNS DOWN HERE.

OH! I THINK

THEY MIGHT JUST BE...

THE LITTLE CUNT!

HE'S TAKING

THE HAND OUT OF US.

...OVER HERE.

I'LL NUT HIM!

I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL NUT HIM!

SAY GOODBYE

TO MY FRIENDS, WILL YOU?

CHARLIE LIVES IN

SUNBEAM HEIGHTS

AND IRWIN'S UP THE BACKS.

IRWIN WHO?

WHY, IRWIN KERR,

OF COURSE.

THE BIG-TIME VOLUNTEER.

HOW DO YOU KNOW IRWIN KERR?

OH, NOTHING. NEVER MIND.

WELL, COME ON THEN.

JUST DO IT.

I'VE NOTHING LEFT TO LIVE FOR

IN THIS STUPID,

SERIOUS WORLD.

OH, FUCK HIM.

LEAVE HIM BE.

HE'S NOT WORTH THE BULLET,

THE MENTAL NANCY BOY.

OH, WHAT IS IT

WITH NANCY BOYS

THAT YOU CAN'T BE

BOTHERED KILLING THEM?

YOU KILL EVERYONE ELSE.

LOOK, I'M FUCKING

WARNING YOU.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT

YOU'RE DOING HERE?

ARE YOU ON DOPE OR WHAT?

WISH THAT I WAS,

MR. KILLING MAN.

WHY, DO YOU HAVE ANY?

YOU'RE WAY OUT OF

YOUR LEAGUE, SUNSHINE.

NOT THAT AGAIN.

"OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE,

OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE."

"OH,

YOU'RE IN OVER YOUR HEAD.

YOU'RE IN OVER YOUR HEAD."

OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!

SURELY YOU'VE ONE BULLET

TO SPARE BETWEEN YOUS.

AH, BOLLOCKS!

WHERE ARE WE GOING?

YOU HIT US, WE HIT YOU.

IT'S SIMPLE.

(Jackie)

RIGHT.

(Horse)

THE BOMB WAS MADE UP HERE

AND DRIVEN ACROSS THE BORDER.

(Jackie)

WEE BOBBY ANDERSON.

LIKES KILLING CATHOLICS.

IT'LL BE THE LAST

FUCKING BOMB HE'LL MAKE.

TURN THE LIGHTS OFF.

KEEP IT RUNNING.

[glass shattering]

[gunshots]

OH, LORD.

[woman screaming]

GET US THE FUCK

OUT OF HERE, WILL YOU?

WHAT'S THE SMELL?

HE SHAT HIMSELF.

YOU NOT TOILET TRAINED?

WHAT DO YOU

THINK YOU ARE, KERR?

WHAT THE FUCK

DO YOU THINK THIS IS?

(Charlie)

TELL ME

YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS.

YOU SEE,

THERE'S THAT WORD AGAIN.

IT'S EVERYWHERE.

BUT YOU DON'T KNOW A SOUL

IN LONDON, PADDY.

THERE'S ONLY ONE SOUL

I NEED, CHARLIE.

(Charlie)

YOU REALLY THINK

YOU'LL FIND HER?

HOW MANY EILY BERGINS

CAN THERE BE?

(Irwin)

MAYBE SHE'S CHANGED HER NAME.

(Patrick)

SHE WON'T HAVE

CHANGED HER EYES, IRWIN.

HOW WILL YOU GET BY?

SAINT ANTHONY

WILL GUIDE ME.

*[The Moonbeam Song playing]

* HAVE YOU EVER

WATCHED A MOONBEAM *

* AS IT SLID ACROSS

YOUR WINDOWPANE *

* OR STRUGGLED

WITH A BIT OF RAIN *

* OR DANCED ABOUT

THE WEATHERVANE *

* OR SAT ALONG

A MOVING TRAIN *

* AND WONDERED WHERE

THE TRAIN HAS BEEN *

* OR ON A FENCE

WITH BITS OF CRAP *

* AROUND ITS BOTTOM

* BLOWN THERE BY A WINDBEAM

* WHO SEARCHES

FOR THE MOONBEAM *

* WHO WAS LAST SEEN

LOOKING AT THE TRACKS *

* OF THE CARELESS WINDBEAM

* OR MOVING TO THE TRACKS

* OF THE TIRELESS

FREIGHT TRAIN *

THE THING IS,

YOU COME TO THE CITY

THAT NEVER SLEEPS

AND YOU THINK IT'S

OPEN ALL THE TIME,

BUT IT DOES SLEEP.

EXCUSE ME?

OF COURSE IT DOES.

UH, I'M LOOKING FOR

MY MOTHER, PLEASE.

EILY BERGIN.

UH, PHANTOM LADY.

I'VE JUST GOT 2

BERGINS FOR 1956.

BERGIN, ELLEN,

AND BERGIN WITH

A SIMPLE INITIAL E.

WELL, THAT'S HER.

I MEAN, IT HAS TO BE

ONE OF THEM.

ONE'S FROM ALDGATE

AND THE OTHER'S

FROM EAST LONDON.

WILL YOU BE GOING BACK HOME

AFTER YOU'VE FOUND HER?

OH, YES, OF COURSE.

MAYBE SHE'LL COME WITH ME.

AND, SON, WILL YOU

PROMISE ME SOMETHING?

YES.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

OH, I WILL, MRS. HENDERSON.

THANK YOU.

*[Chirpy Chirpy

Cheep Cheep playing]

* WHERE'S YOUR

MOMMA GONE? *

* WHERE'S YOUR

MOMMA GONE? *

* LITTLE BABY GONE

* WHERE'S YOUR

MOMMA GONE? *

* WHERE'S YOUR

MOMMA GONE? *

* FAR FAR AWAY

* WHERE'S YOUR

POPPA GONE *

* WHERE'S YOUR

POPPA GONE *

* LITTLE BABY GONE

* WHERE'S YOUR

POPPA GONE *

NO, MATE, THEY KNOCKED

THOSE HOUSES DOWN YEARS AGO.

* FAR FAR AWAY

* LAST NIGHT I HEARD

MY MOMMA SINGING THIS SONG *

* OOH WEE

CHIRPY CHIRPY CHEEP CHEEP *

* WOKE UP THIS MORNING

AND MY MOMMA WAS GONE *

* OOH WEE

CHIRPY CHIRPY CHEEP CHEEP*

* CHIRPY CHIRPY

CHEEP CHEEP CHIRP *

* WHERE'S YOUR

MOMMA GONE *

* WHERE'S YOUR

MOMMA GONE *

* LITTLE BABY GONE

* WHERE'S YOUR

MOMMA GONE *

* WHERE'S YOUR

MOMMA GONE *

* FAR FAR AWAY

* WHERE'S YOUR

POPPA GONE *

* WHERE'S YOUR

POPPA GONE *

* LITTLE BABY GONE

* LITTLE BABY GONE *

I'M...

[humming]

(John Joe)

THE MAN HIMSELF.

ABOUT TIME, TOO.

[grunting]

ARE YOU HERE

FOR THE JOB, KID?

WHAT JOB?

THIS IS SHOWBIZ, KID.

YOU GOTTA BE ON THE BALL.

YOU TRY THAT WITH STEPHENSON,

NOW, YOU'VE NO FUCKING CHANCE.

WHO'S STEPHENSON?

HE THINKS HE'S IN CHARGE.

R.A.F., MY BOLLOCKS!

I'LL GIVE HIM R.A.F.

YOU'RE IRISH, YOU ARE.

TYREELIN, COUNTY CAVAN.

WELL THEN, COUNTY CAVAN,

GIVE US A SONG

AND YOU'RE HOME AND DRY.

* UNDERGROUND,

OVERGROUND, WOMBLING FREE *

(both)

* THE WOMBLES OF WIMBLEDON

COMMON ARE WE *

GOOD MAN, YOU HAVE IT.

NOW THE DANCE, OK? OK?

I'M GOING IN.

(John Joe)

RIGHT. HOP, 1. HOP, 2.

HOP, 1, 2, 3.

TOOSH, TOOSH, TOOSH.

FLAP, FLAP, FLAP. OK?

GO, GO ON.

HOP, HOP 1,

HOP 2, HOP 1, 2, 3.

TOOSH, TOOSH, TOOSH.

FLAP, FLAP, FLAP.

RIGHT, READY?

RIGHT, HOP 1, HOP 2.

FOR FUCK'S SAKE,

WILL YOU HOP RIGHT?

1, 2, 3.

(both)

HOP 1, HOP 2.

HOP, 1, 2, 3.

(both)

TOOSH, TOOSH, TOOSH.

FLAP, FLAP.

FLAP IT OUT, FLAP IT OUT.

SELL IT TO ME.

*[The Wombling Song playing]

* OVERGROUND,

UNDERGROUND, WOMBLING FREE *

* THE WOMBLES OF

WIMBLEDON COMMON ARE WE *

GIVE HIM THE DRILL, BULGARIA.

ENOUGH ALREADY.

YOU TAKE THE CROQUET.

CAPISCE?

CAPISCE.

I GOTTA WHEEL.

EVERY MORNING,

9:00, BE THERE.

* THINGS THAT THE EVERYDAY

FOLKS LEAVE BEHIND *

* UNCLE BULGARIA

* HE CAN REMEMBER THE DAYS

* WHEN HE WASN'T

BEHIND THE TIMES *

* WITH HIS MAP OF THE WORLD *

(Stephenson)

BULGARIA?

I TOLD YOU BEFORE,

THESE ARE YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

YOU'RE HEAD WOMBLE HERE.

WELL, THAT'S THIS....

FUCK! FUCK!

I'LL GIVE YOU R.A.F.

I BROKE NO FUCKING MALLET!

(Stephenson)

KEEP AWAY FROM ME.

[both arguing]

(Stephenson)

PUT THAT DOWN!

(John Joe)

I'LL BREAK IT ACROSS

YOUR BACK, YOU BOLLOCKS!

I'LL BUST IT...

[boys laughing]

"YOU BROKE THE MALLET,"

HE SAYS.

"I'LL HAVE TO DOCK

IT FROM YOUR PAY."

I BROKE NO FUCKING MALLET.

YOU FUCKED ME

ONE LAST TIME.

R.A.F., MY BOLLOCKS!

THAT'S THE END OF THE LINE!

ENOUGH OF THAT, JOHN JOE.

BACK OFF, MOTHERFUCKER.

YOU DON'T KNOW

WHAT YOU'RE

DEALING WITH HERE!

BACK IN THE CAN,

YOU WANNA KNOW

WHAT THEY USED TO SAY?

"STAY AWAY, MAN.

HE'S OUT WHERE

THE BUSES DON'T RUN!"

YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR

LEAGUE HERE, FRIEND.

OH, NOT THAT AGAIN.

YOU HAVE TO SHOW THEM

WHERE YOU STAND.

THEY FUCK WITH YOU,

YOU FUCK WITH THEM.

YOU FUCK THEM SO BAD

YOU MAKE THEM WISH

THEY'D NEVER BEEN BORN.

YOU WANT ANOTHER SHOT?

I'D LOVE A BABYCHAM.

YOU GOT IT, KEMO SABE.

TOMMY,

ONE BABYCHAM, ONE POWERS.

PLEASE.

2 WEEKS' SEVERANCE,

IN THE PAW.

YOU FUCK WITH JOHN JOE KENNY,

THAT'S ONE TIME

YOU FUCK TOO MANY.

CAPISCE, COMPADRE?

HE'S FROM CAVAN.

SO, WHERE'S CAVAN?

NEXT TO MONAGHAN.

I'M GOING FOR A WOMBLE.

IF YOU WANT TO COME,

GIVE US A SHOUT, RIGHT?

REALLY, UNCLE BULGARIA.

(John Joe and Patrick)

* UNDERGROUND,

OVERGROUND, WOMBLING FREE *

* THE WOMBLES OF

WIMBLEDON COMMON ARE WE *

* UNDERGROUND,

OVERGROUND, WOMBLING FREE *

I WAS A WOMBLE ONE TIME.

DID YOU KNOW THAT?

HEY, YOU CAN'T

SLEEP HERE, LOVE.

HAVE YOU GOT

A HOME TO GO TO?

YOU CAN GET

A CAB OUTSIDE.

OH, I DO BELIEVE

I HAVE A SMALL, ELFIN

DWELLING ON WIMBLEDON COMMON.

[men chattering]

OI!

YOU DOING BUSINESS,

DO IT SOMEWHERE ELSE, LOVE.

THIS PAVEMENT'S

GOT MY NAME ON IT.

WHAT, PRAY,

IS YOUR NAME? "CONCRETE"?

MY NAME IS

"SCRATCH YOUR EYES OUT,"

"BITE YOUR BLEEDING NOSE OFF,"

WHICH IS WHAT I'LL DO

IF YOU DON'T GET OFF MY PATCH.

ALL RIGHT, LOVER?

SHE GIVING YOU TROUBLE, SON?

OH, NO TROUBLE AT ALL.

WE WERE JUST EXCHANGING NAMES.

(hooker)

GO ON, YOU FUCKING NANCY BOY!

DON'T FUCKING COME BACK!

(Patrick)

AND HER NAME IS

"SCRATCH YOUR EYES OUT

AND BITE YOUR

BLEEDING NOSE OFF."

AND MY NAME IS

PATRICIA KITTEN BRADEN.

PLEASED TO MEET YOU,

PATRICIA KITTEN BRADEN.

JUST WHAT WERE YOU

DOING BACK THERE?

I WAS LOOKING FOR

THE PHANTOM LADY.

YOU FOUND

THE RIGHT STREET, THEN.

WHY, WHAT'S IT CALLED?

PHANTOM LADY STREET?

YOU COULD CALL IT THAT.

AND JUST WHO IS

THIS PHANTOM LADY?

WELL, IT'S MY MOTHER, REALLY.

I CALL HER THAT.

TO PRETEND IT'S A STORY

THAT'S HAPPENING TO

SOMEONE ELSE, YOU SEE.

AND WHY DO YOU

PRETEND THAT?

BECAUSE OTHERWISE I MIGHT CRY

AND NEVER STOP.

IF YOU CRIED,

I'D MAKE YOU STOP.

OH, YOU WOULD?

OH, HOW KIND, KIND SIR.

YES, I'D DEFINITELY

MAKE YOU STOP.

(Mr. Silky String)

AND JUST WHAT IS IT

YOU DO, THEN?

(Patrick)

OH, THIS AND THAT.

SHOWBIZ, KIND OF. SINGING.

WHAT DO YOU

LIKE TO SING ABOUT?

I SING ABOUT TRUE LOVE.

THAT'S NICE.

HAVE YOU EVER FOUND IT?

I THOUGHT I HAD, ONCE.

HERE'S ONE

ABOUT TRUE LOVE.

*[Feelings by Morris Albert

playing on radio]

* FEELINGS

EVER HEARD THIS ONE?

* NOTHING MORE THAN FEELINGS

NICE, ISN'T IT?

I JUST LOVE LOVE SONGS.

* TRYING TO FORGET MY

TAKE IT OFF.

* FEELINGS OF LOVE

DON'T YOU LIKE IT?

TAKE IT OFF,

THERE'S A GOOD LAD.

AS YOU WISH, SIR.

* ROLLING DOWN ON MY FACE

NOW, ISN'T THAT

MORE COMFORTABLE?

YES, SIR.

* TRYING TO FORGET MY

OF COURSE IT IS,

MY LOVE-LOVING FRIEND.

* FEELINGS OF LOVE

HERE, FEEL THAT.

HMM.

* FEELINGS

GOOD OLD-FASHIONED SILK.

HMM.

HERE YOU ARE.

THANK YOU.

* I WISH

I'VE NEVER MET YOU, GIRL *

* YOU'LL NEVER COME AGAIN

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

YOU LIKE IT?

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

* FEELINGS

LIKE IT?

[horn blaring]

[grunts]

* FEELINGS

[gasping]

* FEELINGS

(Patrick)

BUT DID TRUE LOVE SAVE KITTEN

FROM THE HANDS OF THE BEAST

IN THAT WORST OF ALL

FAIRY TALES?

[screaming]

NO, WHAT SAVED KITTEN

WAS HER

PRECIOUS PERFUME SPRAY

BOUGHT FOR 2.99

IN ROCHES STORES

ON HENRY STREET

BEFORE SHE LEFT

HER BELOVED EMERALD ISLE.

* AND FEELINGS LIKE

I'VE NEVER HAVE YOU *

* AGAIN IN MY HEART *

(Bertie)

HELLO.

I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT,

BUT ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, MISS?

YES, FINE, THANK YOU.

JUST TIRED AFTER

MY HARD DAY'S WORK.

YOU HAVE BEEN SITTING THERE

FOR 4 HOURS NOW.

YES, BUSY AT MY DESK.

BUSY AT YOUR DESK?

MMM-HMM.

WRITING MY LITTLE BOOK.

YOUR LITTLE BOOK?

WHAT TYPE OF BOOK?

WELL, IT'S A...

IT'S A MYSTERY THRILLER, SIR.

ABOUT A WOMAN

WHO DISAPPEARS.

MAY I ASK WHAT IT'S CALLED?

YES.

IT'S CALLED

FOOTPRINTS IN THE CUSTARD.

HMM.

NO, I'M ONLY JOKING.

IT DOESN'T HAVE A NAME YET

BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW

WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN,

IF THE MYSTERY

IS EVER SOLVED.

BUT THE LADY HAS A NAME?

UH-HUH.

PHANTOM LADY.

"PHANTOM LADY."

NO,

HER REAL NAME'S EILY BERGIN.

AND SHE WAS MY MOTHER.

YOUR MOTHER?

YEAH.

AND THEN SHE WENT AWAY

TO THE CITY OF ALL CITIES

THAT NEVER SLEEPS

FROM DUSK TILL DAWN.

SO, YOU THINK

SHE'S HERE IN LONDON?

NO, I KNOW

SHE'S HERE IN LONDON.

FANTASTIC!

[chuckles]

THE FANTASTIC TALE

OF EILY BERGIN.

I CAN'T WAIT

TO HEAR THE ENDING.

BUT YOU HAVEN'T

EVEN HEARD THE START.

I CAN'T WAIT

TO HEAR THAT, EITHER.

SO, ARE YOU A WRITER,

TOO, THEN, SIR?

OH, GOOD LORD, NO.

BUT SOMETHING SIMILAR, MAYBE.

SOMETHING SIMILAR?

I WONDER WHAT THAT COULD BE.

[Patrick exclaims]

YOU'RE A MAGICIAN!

BERTIE VAUGHAN

AT YOUR SERVICE.

NOW, THE FIRST THING

THAT HAS TO BE SAID,

BERTIE DEAREST,

IS THAT YOU BEAR

ABSOLUTELY NO RESEMBLANCE

TO MARLON "MARGARINE" BRANDO.

WE ALL HAVE OUR OFF DAYS.

SO, TELL ME MORE

ABOUT THE PHANTOM LADY.

WHY? WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME?

I'LL TAKE YOU

TO SEE MY SHOW.

OH, IT'S A DEAL, MAGIC.

SO, WHERE WERE WE?

YES, THE PHANTOM LADY.

EILY BERGIN HAD

JUST ARRIVED IN DUBLIN

AND JUST REALIZED

THAT HER BOAT DIDN'T SAIL

FOR ANOTHER 4 HOURS.

LO AND BEHOLD, NOT A SCRATCH.

(Bertie)

THANK YOU, MY DEAR.

PICK A CARD.

ANYONE?

COME ALONG, MADAM,

PICK A CARD.

ANY CARD.

OH, MY GOD!

OH, YES, BLIMEY.

"OH, MY GOD" IS RIGHT.

I DO BELIEVE YOU'VE CHOSEN

THE 101 OF HEARTS.

THANK YOU, MY DEAR,

I'LL TAKE CARE OF THAT.

[people applauding]

*[The Windmills of Your Mind

playing]

TIME, OF COURSE.

THE TIME. OH.

LOOKS LIKE IT'S UP,

YOU LOVELY PEOPLE.

COME ON, HELP ME, PLEASE,

MY LOVES.

ANYONE OUT THERE

WILLING TO ENCOUNTER

THE GREAT WATCH?

* LIKE A CAROUSEL

THAT'S TURNING *

* RUNNING RINGS

AROUND THE MOON *

HELLO, YOUNG LADY.

HELLO.

AND WHAT'S THE STORY

BEHIND THOSE

BEAUTIFUL BLUE EYES?

* AND THE WORLD IS

LIKE AN APPLE

WHIRLING SILENTLY IN SPACE *

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, YOUNG LADY?

PATRICIA KITTEN BRADEN.

AND WHERE ARE

YOU FROM, MY DEAR?

IRELAND.

KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE WATCH,

YOUNG PATRICIA.

THE WHOLE WORLD IS IN THERE.

TICK-TOCK.

* LIKE A TUNNEL

THAT YOU FOLLOW *

SWING-SWONG.

* TO A TUNNEL OF ITS OWN

AND, DARE I SAY IT

DING-DONG.

* DOWN A HOLLOW TO A CAVERN

AND LET THE GREAT WATCH

GUIDE YOU.

* LIKE A DOOR

THAT KEEPS REVOLVING *

* IN A HALF-FORGOTTEN DREAM

* OR THE RIPPLES

FROM A PEBBLE *

AND WHAT BRINGS YOU

TO OUR GREAT METROPOLIS?

I'M LOOKING FOR MY MAMMY.

OH. AND WHERE DID MUMMY GO?

THE CITY SWALLOWED HER UP.

OH, FANCY THAT.

WELL,

IT WILL DO THAT TO PEOPLE.

BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT,

PATRICIA?

I THINK I SEE YOUR MOTHER.

WHERE?

WHY, DOWN THERE

BY THAT TABLE BY THE JUKEBOX.

MAMMY!

[people laughing]

ON SECOND THOUGHTS, PATRICIA,

SHE'S NOT YOUR MOTHER,

SHE'S YOUR GREAT-AUNT IDA.

THAT'S YOUR MOTHER

OVER THERE.

MAMMY?

MAMMY!

OH, MAMMY.

[people laughing]

ACTUALLY,

PATRICIA, THAT-THAT'S

YOUR 2ND COUSIN RONNIE,

JUST OUT OF THE SCRUBS.

IN FACT,

YOUR MUMMY IS RIGHT UP HERE.

UP HERE ON STAGE.

COME TO MUMMY.

(Bertie)

COME TO MUMMY.

[people laughing]

YOU LOVE YOUR MUMMY

AND YOUR POPPY.

[crying]

GOOD TO HAVE

YOU BACK, DARLING.

AND MUMMY'S

NEVER LEAVING AGAIN.

NEVER.

NEVER, I PROMISE. NEVER.

[exclaims]

[people laughing]

[people applauding]

*[drums beating]

JUST CALL ME OLD SAWBONES.

[exclaims]

[people laughing]

YOU ALL RIGHT, DEAR?

YES.

[sighs]

[box creaking]

[people applauding]

THOSE OF

A NERVOUS DISPOSITION

SHOULD NOW CLOSE THEIR EYES.

OH, DEAR.

[groaning]

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, KITTEN?

OH...

NO, I'M ACTUALLY

QUITE HEARTBROKEN.

[people laughing]

[sighs]

[people laughing]

I THINK I SEE THE PROBLEM.

OOH.

[people exclaiming]

[exclaiming]

[sighs]

GEE, THANKS, CUPID.

AND THE OTHER THING

ABOUT THE PHANTOM

LADY WAS, BERTIE,

SHE REALIZED, IN

THE CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS...

WHAT DID SHE REALIZE,

KITTEN?

THAT ALL THE SONGS

THAT SHE'D LISTENED TO,

ALL THE LOVE SONGS,

WELL, THEY WERE ONLY SONGS.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

NOTHING,

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN THEM.

BUT SHE DID, YOU SEE.

SHE BELIEVED

IN ENCHANTED EVENINGS

AND SHE-- AND SHE BELIEVED

THAT A SMALL CLOUD

PASSED OVERHEAD

AND CRIED DOWN

ON HER FLOWERBED.

AND SHE EVEN BELIEVED

THERE WAS BREAKFAST

TO BE HAD.

WHERE?

ON PLUTO.

THE MYSTERIOUS,

ICY WASTES OF PLUTO.

(Bertie)

YOU KNOW, KITTEN, I MADE

A DECISION A LONG TIME AGO.

(Patrick)

WHAT DECISION WAS THAT?

THAT I WASN'T DESTINED

FOR THE SENTIMENTAL

SIDE OF THINGS.

BUT...

BUT IF I DID LET MYSELF

EVER FALL FOR SOMEONE,

I THINK IT WOULD BE

A GIRL LIKE YOU.

BERTIE, PLEASE,

I HAVE TO STOP YOU.

THERE'S SOMETHING

YOU SHOULD KNOW.

OR MAYBE

WHAT I SHOULD SAY IS,

IT WOULD BE A GIRL...

NOT A MILLION

MILES AWAY FROM...

NO, PLEASE DON'T.

...WHERE I'M STANDING.

NO.

WHAT'S THE MATTER,

PRINCESS?

WELL, YOU SEE,

THE THING IS, BERTIE, I'M,

I'M NOT...

YES?

UM...

I'M NOT A GIRL.

OH, I KNEW THAT, PRINCESS.

YOU DID?

OF COURSE.

WHAT I SAID WAS

IT WOULD BE A GIRL LIKE YOU.

[people laughing]

(Bertie)

I DO BELIEVE I SEE MUMMY

OVER THERE.

(Bertie)

MAMMY!

ACTUALLY,

SHE'S JUST WALKED IN. THERE.

[people continue laughing]

MAMMY! MAMMY.

BASTARDS!

THINK YOU CAN

MAKE FUN OF HER?

YOU'RE COMIN' WITH ME.

WAIT!

(Bertie)

PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME.

WHAT ABOUT

THE PRINCE OF MAGIC?

PLEASE DON'T GO.

SOME FUCKING

PRINCE OF MAGIC.

NO, MAYBE I SHOULD...

HE DOESN'T MEAN BAD,

CHARLIE.

FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, PADDY,

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO YOU?

KITTEN!

*[Children Of The Revolution

by T-Rex playing on stereo]

* LET IT ALL HANG OUT

* BUT YOU WON'T FOOL

THE CHILDREN

OF THE REVOLUTION *

* NO, YOU WON'T FOOL

THE CHILDREN

OF THE REVOLUTION *

* NO, NO, NO *

(Patrick)

EXCUSE ME.

JOHN JOE. JOHN JOE!

JOHN JOE!

[chuckles]

NOT A WOMBLE ANYMORE.

DON'T TALK TO ME

ABOUT FUCKING WOMBLES!

I'M IN

THE TOWER OF LONDON NOW.

HA. 30 SMACKERS

IN THE PAW, BOY,

NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

HEY, THEY'RE LOOKING

FOR A MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS.

WOULD YOU BE UP FOR IT?

THEY'D CHOP

MY HEAD OFF, SURELY.

AND HERE'S THE MAN

TO DO IT FOR YOU. HUH?

[laughs]

SMILEY, HUH?

[laughs]

[people chattering]

WHERE'S IRWIN GONE?

OH.

HIM AND HIS

FUCKING REVOLUTION.

HOW'D YOU CARRY IT?

BOTTOM OF MY SLEEPING BAG.

THERE WON'T BE MUCH SLEEPING

WITH THIS BABY.

SO YOU HAVEN'T

SEEN HER, THEN?

SHE'S--SHE'S HERE,

THOUGH, SOMEWHERE.

I KNOW IT.

I JUST KNOW IT, CHARLIE.

BIG FUCKIN' CITY.

I'M LOSIN' IRWIN, YOU KNOW.

HOW?

HE'S UP TO SOMETHING.

I KNOW IT.

HE'S GOT THESE SECRETS.

(Patrick)

SO WHY DID YOU

COME OVER, CHARLIE?

WASN'T JUST TO SEE ME.

WAS IT SOMETHING

TO DO WITH IRWIN?

YOU MIGHT SAY THAT.

I'M PREGNANT.

OH, JESUS, CHARLIE.

DOES HE KNOW?

YOU KNOW ALL HE KNOWS ABOUT.

OR CARES.

BUT YOU DIDN'T COME HERE

TO HAVE THE BABY?

I CAME HERE

TO GET RID OF IT.

YOU HAVE TO

TELL HIM, CHARLIE.

I CAN'T.

[door opening]

HE'S ALL FUCKED UP. HE'S...

SO, HOW ARE THE HOMELESS?

HOMELESS ARE FINE.

THAT'S WHAT KEEPS HIM

OUT LATE, KITTEN,

WORKING WITH THE HOMELESS.

RIGHT, IRWIN?

I CAN'T HAVE IT,

CAN I, PADDY?

(Patrick)

NO.

NO, YOU CAN'T.

IRWIN'S INVOLVED IN SHIT

I DON'T WANNA THINK ABOUT.

I KNOW.

WHAT WOULD IT

TURN OUT LIKE, PADDY?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN,

DON'T YOU?

IT'D BE AN ABSOLUTE DISASTER,

LIKE ME.

NOW, I WANT YOU

TO READ THIS LEAFLET.

IT OUTLINES ALL ASPECTS

OF THE TERMINATION PROCEDURE.

TERMINATION?

YOU MEAN

THIS IS AN ABORTION CLINIC?

YES, OF COURSE IT IS.

OH. I THOUGHT

IT WAS A FERTILITY CLINIC.

[door closing]

I THINK SHE CHANGED HER MIND.

THANK YOU.

*[For The Good Times

by Kris Kristofferson playing]

* DON'T LOOK SO SAD

* I KNOW IT'S OVER

YOU SAID IT'D BE A DISASTER,

LIKE YOU.

[chuckles]

WORSE, PROBABLY.

BUT I LOVE YOU,

YOU FUCKING DISASTER.

OH, CHARLIE.

* KEEP ON TURNING

* LET'S JUST BE GLAD

(Charlie)

PROMISE YOU WON'T

GET LOST AGAIN?

I PROMISE.

* TO SPEND TOGETHER

TELL HIM.

TELL ME WHAT?

* THERE'S NO NEED

TO WATCH THE BRIDGES *

CHARLIE'S JOINING

THE SANDINISTAS.

AREN'T YOU, CHARLIE?

SANDINISTAS?

MMM-HMM.

THEY'RE A ROCK BAND.

AREN'T THEY, CHARLIE?

WHERE CAN I REACH YOU?

* LAY YOUR HEAD

TRY CAMBRIDGE CIRCUS.

* UPON MY PILLOW

(woman)

THANK YOU.

* HOLD YOUR WARM

* AND TENDER BODY

CLOSE TO MINE *

SEE YOU, PADDY.

* HEAR THE WHISPER

OF THE RAINDROPS *

* BLOWIN' SOFT

AGAINST THE WINDOW *

* AND MAKE BELIEVE

YOU LOVE ME *

* ONE MORE TIME

* FOR THE GOOD TIMES

* I'LL GET ALONG

* YOU'LL FIND ANOTHER

[people chattering]

* AND I'LL BE HERE *

*[Dream World playing]

* DREAM WORLD

* I'M WRAPPED UP

IN A DREAM WORLD *

* I MUST BE DREAMING IT,

DARLING *

YOU AND ME, DARLING.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

I DON'T QUITE KNOW

WHAT TO SAY.

* DREAM WORLD

CHRIST, YOU'RE A BLOKE!

10 OUT OF 10, SHERLOCK.

* SOMEBODY TAKE ME

WHY DON'T YOU WAKE ME *

* I MUST BE DREAMING

* NO, NO, DON'T GO

* I NEED ONE MORE CHANCE

TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU *

* NO, NO, DON'T GO

YOU FANCY A DRINK

OR SOMETHING?

* DREAM WORLD

CAMPARI AND SODA,

IF YOU DON'T MIND.

OF COURSE I DON'T.

WOULDN'T HAVE

ASKED YOU OTHERWISE,

WOULD I?

CAMPARI AND SODA,

PLEASE, MATE.

* DREAM WORLD

* I'M WRAPPED UP

IN A DREAM WORLD *

(barman)

THERE YOU GO, MATE.

CHEERS.

[people chattering]

THANK YOU.

CROWDED TONIGHT.

OH, YES.

FOOTBALL SUPPORTERS?

NO, ROYAL ENGINEERS.

OH, SOLDIERS.

JUST COME BACK

FROM A TOUR OF DUTY.

ADEN? CYPRUS?

NO, LET ME GUESS.

FUCKING ULSTER.

I HAVEN'T GOT ANYTHING

AGAINST THE IRISH,

THOUGH, MIND.

I HEAR

THEY'RE VERY FRIENDLY.

DON'T KNOW. MAYBE.

IT'S THE POLITICIANS

WHAT FUCK IT UP, THOUGH,

ISN'T IT?

* DREAM WORLD

DO YOU WANNA DANCE?

* I'M WRAPPED UP

IN A DREAM WORLD *

YES, I'D LOVE TO.

* DREAM WORLD

* I'M WRAPPED UP

IN A DREAM WORLD *

*[Honey by Bobby Goldsboro

playing]

YOU OK?

OH, YES. SUPER.

YOU SEEM A LITTLE BIT TENSE.

* IT WASN'T BIG

HMM.

WOULD YOU DO

SOMETHING FOR ME?

* I LAUGHED AT HER

AND SHE GOT MAD *

YEAH, OF COURSE.

* THE FIRST DAY

THAT SHE PLANTED IT *

WOULD YOU PRETEND

YOUR NAME'S BOBBY?

BOBBY WHO?

* SHE WAS ALWAYS

YOUNG AT HEART *

BOBBY GOLDSBORO.

* KINDA DUMB

AND KINDA SMART *

IT'S HIS SONG, YOU SEE.

BOBBY IT IS, THEN.

* AND I SURPRISED HER

WITH A PUPPY *

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO

IS PLANT A LITTLE TREE,

AND SURPRISE ME WITH A PUPPY,

I'LL HUG YOUR NECK.

* AND IT WOULD SURE

EMBARRASS HER *

* WHEN I CAME IN

FROM WORKIN' LATE *

[people coughing]

[ambulance siren wailing]

[people continue coughing]

(cop #1)

BACK. GO TO THE BACK END.

GET AS MANY MEN

DOWN AS YOU CAN.

(paramedic)

ALL RIGHT, MY LOVE, WE'RE

GONNA GET YOU OUT OF HERE.

(cop #2)

COME ON, MY LOVE.

CAN YOU STAND?

THAT'S IT.

(cop #1)

AS MANY PEOPLE AS WE CAN

GET OUT THROUGH THE DOOR.

(paramedic)

TAKE MY SHOULDER, LOVE.

YOU'RE ALL RIGHT, MATE,

I'VE GOT YOU.

MY TIGHTS.

EASY, EASY.

STEADY DOWN THERE. STEADY.

MY TIGHTS!

THEY'RE IN RIBBONS.

YOU'RE ALIVE, LOVE,

THAT'S THE MAIN THING.

COME ON.

I KNOW WHAT I'LL HAVE TO DO,

I'LL HAVE TO GET A NEW PAIR.

THERE'S NO OTHER WAY,

I'M AFRAID.

(paramedic)

KEEP STILL, DARLING.

DON'T TRY AND MOVE, OK?

(paramedic)

PLEASE, LET US THROUGH NOW!

(cop #3)

WATCH OUT. WATCH OUT.

I TOLD YOU,

FROM MY BEST SIDE, DARLINGS.

(cop #1)

BRING THE OTHER AMBULANCE.

SLOW DOWN.

THAT'S IT. SLOWLY NOW.

(paramedic)

COME ON, GET

OUT OF THE WAY, PLEASE!

COME ON.

OUT OF THE WAY.

(woman)

PLEASE, NURSE,

HE'S IN SO MUCH PAIN.

[people chattering]

NO, THEY'RE CHRISTIAN DIOR.

DO YOU REALLY HAVE TO?

[chuckling]

[camera clicking]

[man whacking]

[laughs]

HOW SILLY CAN YOU GET,

PUTTING AN "X"

ACROSS MY WEENIE.

NOT SO SILLY

AS 11 FUCKING PEOPLE

BLOWN TO PIECES,

YOU TWISTED LITTLE CUNT!

(Wallis)

FUCKING BABY-FACED,

FUCKING IRISH MURDERER!

[grunts]

I'M SORRY, DID YOU CALL?

I CAN'T QUITE SEE

WHERE YOU ARE.

I'M OVER HERE, YOU SEE.

MILLIONS OF MILES UP HERE

WITH SIRIUS GUARDING MY HEAD.

TELL HIM

WHAT HE WANTS TO KNOW!

[pants]

OH, IT'S FREE. EVERYONE

THINKS IT'S COLD UP HERE

BUT IT'S ACTUALLY QUITE WARM.

YES, IT'S WARM AS TOAST

UP ON PLUTO.

EH, PLUTO.

[both panting]

DON'T TRY THE FUCKING

BLARNEY ON US, PADDY!

WE KNOW YOU PLANTED

THE FUCKING BOMB!

BUT OF COURSE I DID,

MY DARLING.

WHY, I'VE PLANTED

HUNDREDS OF THEM.

(Wallis)

HAVE YOU NOW?

WELL, PLANT THIS!

HELLO, OFFICER.

I'M OVER HERE.

JUST TAKE A LEFT

AT THE MILKY WAY.

* WE'LL TRAVEL TO MARS

AND VISIT *

CHRIST,

I CAN'T FUCKING STAND THIS!

LISTEN, SON,

WHY DON'T YOU JUST

MAKE A STATEMENT?

A STATEMENT, OFFICER?

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY SO?

ATTABOY. THERE'S NO POINT

MAKING IT HARD FOR ALL OF US.

OF COURSE NOT.

AFTER ALL,

WE'RE ALL FRIENDS HERE.

LET'S START

WITH WHERE YOU WERE

ON THURSDAY, OCTOBER 17TH.

[whispering]

I WAS IN MY LITTLE CELL

WORKING WITH

MY ACTIVE SERVICE UNIT.

BUT I WAS WORKING UNDERCOVER.

UNDERCOVER?

HMM.

*[For What It's Worth by

Buffalo Springfield playing]

* THERE'S A MAN WITH A GUN

OVER THERE *

OH, IT'S ALL

COMING BACK TO ME NOW.

PEN AND PAPER, PLEASE.

* TELLING ME

I GOT TO BEWARE *

* I THINK IT'S TIME WE STOP,

CHILDREN, WHAT'S THAT SOUND *

* EVERYBODY LOOK

WHAT'S GOING DOWN *

(Patrick)

PATRICIA KITTEN,

A.K.A. DEEP THROAT,

HAD PENETRATED

THE DEEPEST RECESSES

OF THE REPUBLICAN SPHINCTER...

* THERE'S BATTLE LINES

BEING DRAWN *

WITH HER SECRET

ANTI-TERRORIST SPRAY

NAMED AFTER

GABRIELLE COCO CHANEL'S

LUCKY NUMBER.

* SPEAKING THEIR MINDS

(leader)

THE STABILITY OF SEMTEX

WILL BE COMPROMISED.

(Patrick)

OH, BUT, LORD, WAS SHE

SICK OF THAT BLACK.

[all exclaiming]

WHAT IS IT

WITH FREEDOM FIGHTERS

AND COUTURE ANYWAY?

* HEY, WHAT'S THAT SOUND

* EVERYBODY LOOK

WHAT'S GOING DOWN *

* STOP, HEY,

WHAT'S THAT SOUND *

* EVERYBODY LOOK

WHAT'S GOING DOWN *

* STOP, HEY,

WHAT'S THAT SOUND *

* EVERYBODY LOOK

WHAT'S GOING DOWN *

YOU'VE GOT FUSE SUPPORT

AND BOOSTER CHARGE.

WHAT CAN I SAY?

WE'VE GOT HERE

THE PRESSURE PLATE--

* STOP, HEY,

WHAT'S THAT SOUND *

* EVERYBODY LOOK

WHAT'S GOING DOWN *

* STOP *

* STOP, HEY,

WHAT'S THAT SOUND *

* EVERYBODY LOOK

WHAT'S GOING DOWN *

* STOP, HEY,

WHAT'S THAT SOUND *

* EVERYBODY LOOK

WHAT'S GOING DOWN *

*[Honey by

Bobby Goldsboro playing]

* ONE DAY

WHILE I WAS NOT AT HOME *

* WHILE SHE WAS THERE

AND ALL ALONE *

* THE ANGELS CAME

* NOW ALL I HAVE

IS MEMORIES OF HONEY *

* AND I WAKE UP NIGHTS

AND CALL HER NAME *

* NOW MY LIFE'S

AN EMPTY STAGE *

[sobbing]

* WHERE HONEY LIVED

AND HONEY PLAYED *

* AND LOVE GREW UP

* AND A SMALL CLOUD

PASSES OVERHEAD *

IS THERE ANYONE HERE?

WHY WON'T HE JUST

TALK TO US?

DID HE OR DIDN'T HE,

DRESSED AS A WOMAN,

GET CAUGHT BY HIS OWN BOMB?

WE'VE HELD HIM 6 DAYS NOW.

7'S THE MAX.

* HOW BIG IT'S GROWN

* BUT FRIEND

IT HASN'T BEEN TOO LONG *

* IT WASN'T BIG *

[both exclaim]

(Wallis)

PADDY?

[Patrick moaning]

YOU ALL RIGHT?

FINE. ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL.

MEET US HALFWAY,

WILL YOU, PADDY?

TELL US WHY YOU

CAME OVER HERE.

WELL, WELL, I WAS JUST

LOOKING FOR SOMEONE.

I WAS JUST LOOKING FOR

EILY BERGIN.

WHO'S EILY BERGIN,

PADDY?

SHE'S GONE UNDERCOVER NOW.

THE BIGGEST CITY IN THE WORLD

SWALLOWED HER UP.

COULD SHE HELP US

WITH OUR INQUIRIES, PADDY?

SHE COULD HELP ME WITH MINE.

DO YOU WANT US TO FIND HER?

HAVE YOU GOT AN ADDRESS?

YOU COULD TRY

THE HOUSE THAT VANISHED.

[laughing]

OH, CHRIST.

I THINK

WE'RE ALL LOSING IT.

WE'RE GONNA GET

SOME SLEEP NOW, PADDY.

WE'RE GONNA GET SOME SLEEP.

LOOK, I THINK WE MAY

HAVE MADE A MISTAKE.

OFFICER?

WHAT IS IT NOW?

(Patrick)

IF YOU CAME HOME

FROM THE OFFICE

AND YOU FOUND ME

LYING ON THE FLOOR,

WOULD YOU TAKE ME

TO THE HOSPITAL?

WELL, OF COURSE I WOULD.

AND WOULD YOU CARRY ME

LIKE YOU'RE DOING NOW?

WELL, YEAH.

SO IF I WASN'T

A TRANSVESTITE TERRORIST,

WOULD YOU MARRY ME?

NO, FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

[knocking on door]

WELL, IS OFFICER WALLIS

GONNA BE A HAPPY MAN OR WHAT?

WE'VE HELD YOU TOO LONG

BY ALL ACCOUNTS. LOOK.

OH.

OH, NO, YOU CAN'T.

YOU CAN'T. NOT WHEN

I'M SETTLING IN SO WELL.

TAKE YOUR HEAD

OFF MY SHOULDER, SON.

[whistles]

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, PADDY.

WE CAN'T KEEP YOU HERE.

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

WE COULDN'T EVEN

IF WE WANTED TO.

FUCK THIS,

I'M GOING ON A LONG HOLIDAY.

WIFE SAYS I NEED IT.

COME ON!

COME ON, JUST FOR ONE DAY.

IT WOULDN'T KILL YOU.

SORRY, PADDY.

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

OK, A HALF-A-DAY, PLEASE?

NO.

LOOK, DO YOU MIND ME ASKING?

I MEAN, WHY DO YOU WANNA...

I MEAN,

IT DON'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

IT JUST MAKES ME FEEL SECURE.

SECURE?

YES, YOU SEE, IN THE CELL,

SOMETIMES I THINK MY LEGS

ARE TURNING INTO AIR

AND I'M FLOATING IN SPACE,

AND I'M ALL ALONE.

"GALACTIC ALONENESS,"

I'VE HEARD THAT CALLED.

PLEASE, ROUTLEDGE.

I JUST WANNA BELONG.

I'D BE YOUR BEST PRISONER.

I'D COOK AND I'D CLEAN

AND I'D--I'D SWEEP

AND I'D--I'D IRON

ALL THE UNIFORMS. I...

HEY, PADDY!

I JUST WANNA...

[groans]

NO, I'M AFRAID

IT'S GOODBYE NOW.

ALL RIGHT,

GO GET THAT BUS THERE.

GO ON!

*[Love Is A Many

Splendored Thing

playing]

* LOVE IS A MANY

SPLENDORED THING *

JENNIFER JONES

AND WILLIAM HOLDEN.

* THAT ONLY GROWS

IN THE EARLY SPRING *

LOVE IS

A MANY-SPLENDORED THING?

* LOVE IS NATURE'S WAY

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?

* OF GIVING

ONCE I THOUGHT I WAS.

HE WAS A LUCKY MAN.

* THE GOLDEN CROWN

THAT MAKES A MAN *

I'D PAY YOU.

* A KING

I'D GIVE YOU

WHATEVER YOU WANTED.

WHATEVER YOU WANTED,

I'D GIVE YOU.

* ONCE ON A HIGH

AND WINDY HILL *

* IN THE MORNING MIST

* TWO LOVERS KISSED

* AND THE WORLD STOOD STILL

* THEN YOUR FINGERS TOUCHED

* MY SILENT HEART

* AND TAUGHT IT HOW TO SING

* YES, TRUE LOVE'S

* A MANY SPLENDORED THING

THAT'S MY MAMMY!

EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME.

* HOW TO SING

EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME.

* YES, TRUE LOVE'S

* A MANY SPLENDORED THING *

HELLO!

[sighing]

[women chattering]

HELLO, SIR.

CAN I BE OF ASSISTANCE?

I DON'T DO ANYTHING HEAVY,

BUT ASIDE FROM

THAT I'D BE MORE...

I COULD HAVE YOU ARRESTED,

YOU KNOW.

WELL, ICKY-OAKIE ME.

GET IN.

THIS IS NO LIFE

FOR A YOUNG MAN

LIKE YOU, PATRICK.

WELL, CUFF ME THEN.

CARRY ME TO MY SWEET CELL.

NO.

OH, WAIT,

YOU'RE NOT AN ACTUAL PUNTER,

ARE YOU? HOW EXCITING.

NO, IT'S NOT...

IT'S NOT THAT EITHER.

IT'S A LOT MORE SERIOUS

THAN THAT, PATRICK.

WELL, OF COURSE IT IS,

OF COURSE IT'S SERIOUS.

EVERYTHING'S SERIOUS.

OH, YOU'RE GONNA

DIE OUT THERE, PADDY!

I KNOW.

WHY DON'T YOU TRY

AND GET A REGULAR JOB?

WELL, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,

INSPECTOR,

I'M NOT THAT EMPLOYABLE.

SO I GATHERED.

FUCKING HELL.

[pulling brake]

COME WITH ME.

*[music playing]

A GROUP OF GIRLS

GOT THEMSELVES OFF THE STREET,

PATRICK.

SET UP A CO-OP.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,

"CO-OP"?

YOU KNOW, LIKE...

SORT OF LIKE...

A UNION, YOU COULD CALL IT.

GIRLS?

HELLO. COME ON.

IT'S NOT IDEAL,

BUT IT'S SAFE

AND LEGAL.

CASANDRA.

*[music playing]

GODDESS OF DESTRUCTION.

GIRLS? HELLO.

(all)

HELLO.

THIS IS PATRICK.

HELLO, PATRICK.

HELLO.

HE'S A FRIEND OF MINE,

SO BE GENTLE. HELLO, SAM.

WE'RE ALWAYS NICE.

PATRICK,

DO YOU WANNA PLAY POKER?

LOVE POKER.

YEAH, WE'LL PUT HIM IN.

(Wallis)

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

YOU'LL BE

WORKING WITH US?

I HOPE SO. IF YOU'LL HAVE ME.

WE'RE A NICE BUNCH HERE.

NO BITCHINESS

OR NOTHING HERE.

LOOK AT HIS HAIR.

HMM.

SO WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

(Patrick)

UH, CAVAN.

OH, VERY NICE.

I'M FROM DUBLIN.

YOU'LL DO WELL HERE.

YOU'LL LIKE US GIRLS.

SO YOU'LL

DEFINITELY LIKE IT HERE.

(Patrick)

DEAR CHARLIE,

SORRY I HAVEN'T BEEN IN TOUCH

AND I HOPE THAT EVERYTHING

IS GOING FINE WITH YOU.

HOW'S THE BUMP?

JUST WRITING TO SAY

THAT I'VE GOT A NEW ADDRESS.

IT'S XANADU

ON OLD COMPTON STREET

AND YOU CAN REACH ME THERE

AT ANY TIME.

I'M SAVING LIKE MAD

TO GET OVER TO SEE YOU

WHEN IT HAPPENS IN...

WHAT IS IT? 4 MONTHS,

2 WEEKS, AND 3 DAYS.

HELLO.

(man)

SHOW ME YOUR BAZOOZUMS.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

YOU KNOW.

[man breathing heavily]

WHAT'S THAT?

NOW, LISTEN, SIR,

WE CAN'T ALL HAVE

BIG BAZOOZUMS.

SOME OF US ARE WHAT

YOU MIGHT CALL SVELTE.

SVELTE?

YES. THAT'S A SWEDISH WORD,

I BELIEVE.

THERE'S ALSO A FRENCH ONE.

AYE, GIVE ME THE FRENCH.

GAMINE.

GAMINE?

YES,

AND THAT'S WHAT I AM, SIR.

A SVELTE GAMINE.

* HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGY

IN THE WINDOW? *

* THE ONE

WITH THE WAGGLY TAIL *

NOT "WAGGLY," "WAGGEDY."

"WAGGEDY TAIL."

DEAR SIR UNSEEN,

I KNOW MY MUSIC

AND I'M WILLING

TO BET YOU 10 TIMES

WHATEVER PATHETIC PRICE

YOU PAID IN HERE

THAT THE DOG'S TAIL

IS WAGGLY.

NOW I WANNA HEAR YOU BARK.

*[The Windmills of Your Mind

by Dusty Springfield playing]

* WHIRLING SILENTLY

IN SPACE *

* LIKE THE CIRCLES

THAT YOU FIND *

HELLO.

PLEASE DON'T DO THAT.

* IN THE WINDMILLS

OF YOUR MIND *

AS YOU WISH, SIR.

* KEYS THAT JINGLE

IN YOUR POCKET *

I DON'T DO THIS

SORT OF THING OFTEN.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR,

WE'VE GOT LOTS OF TIME.

* WHY DID SUMMER

GO SO QUICKLY? *

* WAS IT SOMETHING

THAT YOU SAID? *

I KNEW A BOY LIKE YOU ONCE.

OH, I'M NOT A BOY, SIR,

I'M A GIRL.

OH, YOU'RE A GIRL.

YES.

YOU CAN CALL ME PATRICIA.

THAT'S MY NAME, SIR.

CAN I TELL YOU A STORY,

PATRICIA?

OH, PLEASE DO.

STORIES ARE WHAT I LOVE.

YOU LOVE STORIES?

LOVE STORIES.

EVEN MORE THAN MYSTERIES.

DON'T DO THAT,

PLEASE, PLEASE.

VERY WELL, SIR, I'M ALL EARS.

* YOU WERE SUDDENLY AWARE

ONCE UPON A TIME,

THERE WAS A BOY

WHO NEVER KNEW HIS

FATHER AND MOTHER.

OH, HOW SAD.

HOW UNBEARABLY SAD.

WAS HE AN UNBEARABLY SAD

LITTLE BOY?

* LIKE A CIRCLE IN A SPIRAL

HE DIDN'T SEEM SO.

NO, HE LAUGHED.

HE LAUGHED A LOT.

PERHAPS THE KIND OF LAUGHTER

THAT DISGUISES TEARS?

MAYBE LAUGHTER

WAS THE ONLY WAY TO...

* LIKE THE CIRCLES

THAT YOU FIND *

UH, DEAL WITH...

[man sighing]

PLEASE GO ON. TO DEAL WITH...

TO DEAL WITH

HIS CIRCUMSTANCES.

YOU SEEM TO

UNDERSTAND THIS BOY

QUITE WELL, SIR.

I--I KNEW HIS FATHER.

AND?

AND

THOUGH HIS FATHER

LOVED HIM VERY MUCH,

HE COULD NEVER TELL

THE BOY HOW MUCH...

HOW MUCH?

*[In the Rain

by the Dramatics playing]

UM...

HE COULD NEVER TELL THE BOY

HOW MUCH HE LOVED HIM.

WELL, THIS CAN'T BE

A TRUE STORY. IT CAN'T BE.

WHY NOT?

WHY COULD HE NOT TELL THE BOY

HOW MUCH HE LOVED HIM?

BECAUSE HE DIDN'T KNOW HOW.

HE HAD THE WORDS

FOR MANY THINGS, YOU SEE,

BUT HE DIDN'T HAVE

THE WORDS FOR THAT.

THERE ARE ONLY 3 WORDS

FOR THAT.

THEY'RE EASY TO SAY.

SOMETIMES THEY ARE.

* IN THE RAIN

OTHER TIMES, THEY'RE NOT.

OTHER TIMES, THEY'RE...

THEY'RE--THEY'RE IMPOSSIBLE.

* I WANNA GO OUTSIDE

AND HE--HE LOVED

THE BOY'S MOTHER, TOO,

BUT THAT WAS-- THAT WAS

EQUALLY IMPOSSIBLE.

AND...

SO HE NEVER TOLD THE BOY?

* I, I THINK I'M GONNA CRY

HE NEVER TOLD HIM

AND THEN THE BOY LEFT

AND CAME TO ENGLAND,

AND THE FATHER HAD...

* I, I DON'T WANT YOU

TO SEE ME CRY *

LOTS OF TIME TO THINK

ABOUT ALL THE THINGS,

ALL THE THINGS

THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN,

SHOULD HAVE BEEN.

HE HAD ALL THE TIME

IN THE WORLD TO THINK.

AND WHAT DID HE THINK ABOUT?

HE THOUGHT,

HE IMAGINED PERHAPS,

THAT THE BOY

HAD COME TO ENGLAND

LOOKING FOR HIS MOTHER.

AND WHAT WAS

HIS MOTHER'S NAME?

HER NAME WAS EILY.

EILY BERGIN.

OH, GOD.

AND SO THE FATHER THOUGHT

THE ONE THING HE COULD DO

WAS TELL HIM WHERE

HE COULD FIND HIS MOTHER.

* YOU WON'T SEE

A SINGLE TRACE *

WHERE TO FIND

THE PHANTOM LADY?

HUH? WHAT?

PLEASE, GO ON.

SHE MARRIED, HAD 2 CHILDREN.

PROBABLY WON'T

WANT TO SEE HIM.

BUT WHERE DOES SHE LIVE?

* LET ME GO,

LET ME GO,

LET ME GO *

19 SPENCER RISE, IN KILBURN.

* IN THE RAIN *

'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT,

I WANT ENGLISH,

I WANT CONSERVATIVE,

I WANT EAST FINCHLEY...

YEAH.

...I WANT POWERFUL.

HMM.

YOU THINK IT WORKS?

I THINK YOU LOOK

BETTER THAN HER.

I DO LOOK BETTER

THAN HER, DON'T I?

YOU DO.

*[Madame George

by Van Morrison playing]

* DOWN ON CYPRUS AVENUE

* WITH THE CHILDLIKE VISIONS

LEAPING INTO VIEW *

* CLICKING, CLACKING

OF THE HIGH-HEELED SHOE *

* FORD AND FITZROY

AND MADAME GEORGE *

* MARCHING WITH

THE SOLDIER BOY BEHIND *

DO YOU NEED HELP, MISS?

UH...

YES, I-I-I'M DOING A SURVEY

FOR BRITISH TELECOM.

UM...

DO YOU KNOW

WHERE 19 SPENCER RISE IS?

THAT'S MY HOUSE. THERE.

IT'S YOUR...

CAN'T YOU READ NUMBERS?

OH, YES, I CAN READ NUMBERS.

SO, WHAT'S THE SURVEY?

WELL, IT'S,

IT'S ABOUT TELEPHONES.

D-DO YOU HAVE A TELEPHONE?

EVERYONE HAS A TELEPHONE.

NO, NOT EVERYONE, YOUNG MAN.

SOME PEOPLE CAN'T AFFORD ONE.

WELL, WE CAN.

I SEE.

* GONE FOR CIGARETTES

AND MATCHES IN THE SHOPS *

AND SO WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

MY NAME'S PATRICK.

* HAPPY TAKEN MADAME GEORGE

PATRICK.

AND HOW MANY PHONES

DO YOU HAVE, PATRICK?

SHOULDN'T YOU BE

ASKING MY MOTHER?

YES. YES, OF COURSE I SHOULD.

UM...

AND WHERE WOULD I FIND HER?

MUM, THERE'S A NICE LADY HERE

DOING A SURVEY...

* YEAH, THAT'S WHEN YOU FALL

ARE YOU... OH, MY GOD!

* THAT'S WHEN YOU FALL *

(Eily)

YOU FEELING BETTER, LOVE?

OH, YES, THANK YOU.

SOME MORE TEA?

NO, THANK YOU.

SO, WHAT'S THIS

SURVEY ABOUT, THEN?

(English Patrick)

OH, IT'S ABOUT PHONES, MUM.

PHONES? WITH TELECOM?

YES, BRITISH TELECOM.

UM...

ARE YOU

A MULTI-PHONE HOUSEHOLD?

YES. YES, WE'VE GOT 3.

UH, ONE IN THE BEDROOM,

ONE IN THE KITCHEN,

AND ONE IN GEOFFREY'S OFFICE.

GEOFFREY...

IS MY HUSBAND.

OH.

UM...

SORRY. UM...

HOW FREQUENTLY IS

YOUR TELEPHONE USED?

VERY. LAURA'S NEVER OFF IT.

LAURA?

MY DAUGHTER. SHE'S 13.

OH.

I SEE, I SEE.

YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH USE

FOR THE PHONE,

THOUGH, DO YOU, PATRICK?

NO, I SUPPOSE NOT.

MMM-HMM.

UM...

WELL, MISS...

J-JOHNSON. DELIA JOHNSTON.

JOHNSTON.

IF YOU'VE ANY

Breakfast on Pluto (2005) - full transcript