Brazen Hussies (1996) - full transcript

[ambient music]

[smooth music]

[birds singing]

[Jimmy groans and laughs]

Am I in bed?

-Leave me here.
-Come on.

Give me a bloody moment.

My son, come on.

Up you get.

[Jimmy singing]

What the bloody hell's this?



That's your ear muffs.

[Billy laughing]

You're gonna need them when
you get in bed with Maureen.

[Jimmy singing drunkenly]

[birds singing]

[vacuum cleaner humming]

-Morning, Maureen.
-Morning, Ruby.

-Where is it?
-What?

-My husband.
-Over here, snoring.

Jimmy!

Good night were
it, Mr. Hardcastle?

It were fantastic.

[dog barking]

Rudy, leave.



Germs, we don't know
where he's been.

[dog barking]

Who is she?

[Jimmy] She's no one.

You're a liar!

She's a size double
D, you dirty swine!

I wasn't out enjoying
myself, Maureen.

I was out on business.

Oh, aye.

What kind of business?

-Show business.
-Oh, give over!

I met a man, Maureen.

A business associate.

He'll supply me the lot.

A fun filled package.

What are you talking about?

You'll find out soon enough.

I'm gonna turn this
piss pot into a palace.

[Jimmy burps]

[jackhammer drilling]

Take that poster down, Jimmy!

We're not having it!

Oh yes we are.

You can't go wrong with a pair
of tits, a pie and a pint,

they're a winning formula.

They'll bring in all sorts.

I don't give a tinker's toss,
so long as they're paying.

It's what men want.

What about us women?

You're barred.

Saturday nights is men only.

I am not standing
behind this bar,

while some woman shows
off all she's got.

She's only got what
you've got, more or less.

Yes, and mine's me own.

It's private.

This is a public house,
not an whorehouse.

We're not having it, Jimmy.

I won't play second fiddle
to a load of minge winkers.

Oh yes, you will.

* Happy birthday to you *

* Happy birthday to you *

* Happy birthday Mr. President *

* Happy birthday to you *

Bad Billy, he's impressed.

Ta.

Come here.

Have you had much
experience, Tina?

Last Christmas I
starred in pantomime.

[Billy whistles]

Oh, yes.

What did you play?

-Dick Whittington's cat.
-Yeah, yeah.

It doesn't surprise me.

I can see it in your
movements, feline.

I made the costume myself.

Really?

I like it, it's creative.

Have you still got it?

Dick Whittington, his cat?

-Costume?
-Aye.

I keep it hung up on
a wire coat hanger.

I want you to bring
it Saturday night.

I've got a new venue for you.

[upbeat music]

Right, well you best
pull those chairs back,

'cause when I drop my knickers,

and start to wriggle
my paraphernalia,

I don't want anyone
to get singed.

Hot act, are you?

I do it with fire,
it's my speciality.

Fantastic!

Ta.

Oh, and I'll need
a bucket of water.

What for?

[Sheena] I got to damp down
my thingy, it's obligatory.

Right, I'll leave you
to get on with it then.

Oh, and watch my husband,

he has a roving eye.

I don't want you getting
any funny contemplations.

Well, there's no
chance of that love.

Why not?

-I'm a dyke!
-[toilet flushes]

Hello.

I'm Tina, the glamour pussy.

[she purrs softly]

-Mr. Hardcastle.
-Mr. Bowmans, how do?

What you drinking?

-Gin.
-Run along, Sandra.

-Where do I go, Billy?
-Signoritas, pink door, love.

Give it a good show, darlin'.

The full Monty.

Who is she?

[Billy] It's me girlfriend.

[men cheering and whistling]

Impressive.

They won't be doin'
that when they see her.

She's past it.

Used to be a cracker years ago.

Best on the circuit.

Once upon a time, she could
stretch it like elastic,

-but now-
-She's got a nice arse.

-Yeah.
-Juicy.

I've seen better.

Very impressed with
this, Mr. Hardcastle.

I reckon we do good
business together.

What am I gonna do, Sandra?

Look, you get out there and
don't let them smell it.

-Pardon?
-Fear!

How do I do that?

You fix your face on.

[men cheering and shouting]

[upbeat music]

[man whistling]

I know that face.

I've seen her somewhere before.

It's not the face
I'm looking at.

With all that makeup,

she's a lot older
than she used to be.

Sandra!

It's Sandra from school!

Sandra Delaney!

Maureen Crump!

What are you doing up there?

What do you think
she's bleeding doing?

Oh shut up, sweaty arse!

-Maureen!
-Sandra!

[they scream]

[dog barking]

Last time I saw
you, Sandra Delaney,

you had your legs wrapped
round the schoolboy's

handlebars, he was
taking you for a ride.

Aye, he's been taking me
for a ride ever since.

-Who?
-Billy Bowmans.

Never!

You married him>

Bad Billy Bowmans?

-No, we got engaged.
-How long for?

25 years.

He promised me a wedding, but
nothing much materialised,

except for his baby.

You've got a baby?

Did have, Robbie.

He's almost a man now.

What about you?

Got married.

-Got no children though.
-Ah, sorry.

I'm not.

Got myself a dog instead.

-Say hello to my little Rudy.
-Ah.

Oh, yeah!

* Fire *

* To destroy all you've done *

* Fire *

* To end all you've become *

* I'll feel you burn *

[men cheering and shouting]

Here, you've done all right
for yourself, Maureen.

Your very own pub, landlady.

Must be really proud.

Who wants to stand behind a bar

pulling pints for a living?

Better than standing on stage
showing off your fanny, eh?

That's true.

I'm thankful for small mercies.

I don't know how you
manage it, Sandra.

And I used to be good at it.

Stripping?

Billy first suggested
it years ago.

Oh, I might have known he'd
have something to do with it.

Bad Billy Bowmans.

Sex mad.

At school, his voice had hardly
broken and he were at it.

Yes, yes!

Come on, girl!

Show 'em what you've got.

Yes!

[men shouting and leering]

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey, come
on, give her a chance.

You're all right.

When she's got 'em off,
she looks fantastic.

[men clapping]

[men booing and whistling]

-Did he do you?
-Did he buggery!

-I was saving myself.
-What for?

-My honeymoon.
-Was it worth it?

Can't remember.

The day of my
wedding, it rained.

Does he love you?

-Who?
-Your husband!

-My Jimmy?
-Yeah.

Course he loves me,

what kind of question
is that, Sandra Delaney?

He married me, didn't he?

Sorry.

[she sighs]

Hey, we were good friends,
weren't we, Maureen?

Oh aye, we were.

Best of friends, Sandra.

We were like sisters.

Soul sisters.

Aye, soul sisters, girl.

Once upon a time.

Where's it all gone, Maureen?

I dunno, Sandra.

Life.

What did I tell you?

Bleedin' gold mine.

Do I get some of that?

Doubt it.

You've got your housekeeping.

My hair wants doing.

Nick yourself a wig from Oxfam.

I'm your wife, Jimmy.

What's that got to do with it?

Share and share alike.

What's mine is yours.

Remember them vows?

[he sighs]

Tight arse.

You all right, Mom?

[she sighs]

He never loved me, you know.

How do you know?

'Cause he wouldn't marry me.

[Robbie] That doesn't
mean anything.

It does to me, Robbie.

[gentle music]

-Curtsy!
-Pardon?

It's the morphine,
we've upped it,

you best do as he says.

Curtsy!

He thinks he's royalty,

Her Majesty the Queen.

You've got a visitor,
Your Majesty.

I do not wish to see her!

-Who?
-Princess Diana.

It's not Princess Diana,
Your Royal Highness.

It's Maureen.

Your niece.

Maureen?

Remember?

I've not long left, dear.

I need to talk to you.

I've left you the
lot under the bed.

He's rambling.

At home.

You what?

It's in my Jerry.

Bye, bye, love.

It's been nice knowing you.

I'm going.

God bless.

[solemn funeral music]

For as much as it had
pleased almighty God

to take unto himself the
soul of our dear brother,

Albert Mosley, dear deceased.

We therefore commit
his body to the ground.

[he clears his throat]

We therefore commit
his body to the ground.

Earth to earth, ashes
to ashes, dust to dust.

Goodbye, Albert.

Goodbye, Albert.

In sure and certain
hope of the resurrection

to eternal life through
our Lord, Jesus Christ,

who should change our vile body,

that it may be like
unto His glory body.

[harp music]

What's up with you?

Nothing, I've just had a flash.

[gentle guitar music]

I see you standing alone,

reaching for the moon.

I see the man in the moon.

The man in the moon, he's
wearing a golden jockstrap.

The golden jockstrap is stuffed!

-What with?
-Money.

Thousands and
thousands of pounds.

The man in the moon is
winking and gesticulating.

He points to his
golden jockstrap.

God save us!

The man in the moon is naked!

He has removed his
golden jockstrap.

-Why?
-I've no idea.

It must be symbolic.

[ethereal music]

God bless you, Uncle Albert.

[Albert] I've left you
the lot, under the bed.

It's in my Jerry.

[she laughs]

It's a pot of gold!

["Hallelujah Chorus" by Handel]

[she continues laughing]

* Hallelujah *

* Hallelujah *

* Hallelujah,
hallelujah, hallelujah *

* Hallelujah *

* Hallelujah *

And now, for Maureen's
crowning glory.

-Ooh!
-Oh!

* Hallelujah, hallelujah,
hallelujah, hallelujah *

What's do you say, Maureen?

I'm filling up!

What brought about your
transformation, Maureen?

-I come into a bit of money.
-You be careful, Maureen.

Look at the lottery, money,

it doesn't always
bring you happiness.

No, but it can change
your bleedin' life though.

[they all laugh]

Here he is everybody,
my grandson.

[All] Aw!

-Oh, he's beautiful.
-Oh, so's your hair!

Thank you.

-How you feeling, girl?
-Oh fine.

It just slipped out once
I got my legs parted.

[they laugh]

Aren't you lucky!

They had me up in stirrups
until Shrove Tuesday.

He wouldn't budge!

[they laugh]

Well done, love.

[ethereal harp music]

[Woman] What's up, Maureen?

I keep on getting flashes.

Eh?

Fetch her a glass of water, now.

-Who's that?
-He's my new window cleaner.

[soft rock music]

-Are you all right, Maureen?
-Yeah, I'm fine.

Don't bear thinking
about does it?

What?

Squeezing his shammy!

[they laugh]

Hey, that reminds me,
you're all coming tonight?

Wedding's been put back
till I can walk properly.

-But I'm still having it.
-What?

Me hen party.

[they all cheer and laugh]

[upbeat music]

[door slams]

What's the matter with her?

Mom's upset.

What's upset her?

You have.

Oh, shit!

Come on Sandra, it
doesn't mean anything.

It's just sex.

It's you that I want.

It's you that I need.

It's you that I love.

* Roll me over *

* In the clover *

* Roll me over in the
clover do it again *

Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey.

Sing a song!

Did you see him,
that last stripper?

-Way-aye!
-Oh my God!

I'd have given him one.

Hey, hey!

-You're going to be a-
-What!

That were a man, that's
what I call a man.

* Roll me over in the
clover do it again *

[they shout and laugh]

What time do you call this?

Where the bloody
hell have you been?

I've been out!

Enjoying myself.

Bloody looks like it.

What's that on your head?

It's my new hair piece.

[Jimmy] Oh, it's a friggin'
jockstrap, you dirty bitch!

Yes, and it's given me ideas.

Come here, I want
to proposition you!

Get off, bloody hell!

You're squashing
me, you fat sod!

Get off, you're
giving me a hernia.

Jimmy, I want it.

You're not getting it.

No, listen, a ladies night,

male strippers, in our pub.

What'd you say?

-No chance.
-Why not?

The punters, they
won't stand for it.

Not while they're drinking.

They'll stand for
women doing it.

That's different.

A woman's decorative.

Her what-not's self-contained.

I want a ladies night, Jimmy.

You're not getting it.

-Right!
-Bloody hell.

If that's your sodding attitude,

I'll have one myself,
I'll arrange it myself!

-Aye, what with?
-With my money!

[Jimmy] What money?

You haven't got
any bloody money.

Oh yes I have.

[Jimmy] Where from?

Bingo.

[upbeat music]

[doorbell rings]

-Maureen.
-Sandra, can I talk to you?

Yeah, what's the matter?

[upbeat rock music]

Can you see what I can see?

What's happening?

We are going into show business.

Show business?

To the side, to the side,
come on Terry, Bosco,

and swirl those hips.

One and two and,
one and two and.

You better put a stop
to it, Jimmy, lad.

You can't have Maureen and
Sandra moving into our domain.

Male strippers?

Bad publicity.

As what?

A gay's pub.

When word gets out you're
entertaining male nudes,

they'll be sniffing around
your toilet cubicles

like a pack of
puffed up poodles.

[Jimmy] Bollocks.

-Exactly.
-Maureen!

Oh hey up, here he
comes, Lord and master.

Right, that's it!

All this girly behaviour,

it can bleedin' well stop.

-Who says?
-I say!

I'm in charge here.

It's my name hangs
over that door.

I'm the king of this castle.

Well, not up here you're not.

Saturday nights, I'm taking
over this function room.

Up here, it's
gonna be women only

and I'm calling it
the Golden Garter.

The Golden Garter?

What the bloody
hell's that, then?

It's a candlelit supper with
a full frontal floor show.

Who's put this idea
into your daft head, eh?

Hey, the man on the moon?

He could say that,
couldn't he, Sandra?

[upbeat music]

[women screaming]

[Woman] Tell me it's
not true, Justin.

Of course it's true.

I've got a witness.

He's a rams bottom,
she'll testify.

I don't believe it.

He was seen up the
landlady's podium.

He revealed himself
provocatively.

Just like a peacock.

I should be back on
my tablets, Charlie.

You're not doing it, lad.

I am doing it, Mom.

[All] Justin, Justin,
we love Justin!

Justin, Justin, we love Justin!

Justin, Justin, we love Justin!

-Jesus!
-What's going on?

We're being besieged, Lily.

Who by?

Sex maniacs!

[women screaming]

[All] We love Justin, Justin.

[women screaming]

["We Will Rock You" by Queen]

* Buddy you're a boy *

* Make a big noise
playin' in the street *

* Gonna be a big man someday *

* You got mud on your face *

* You big disgrace *

* Kicking your can
all over the place *

* Singing we will,
we will rock you *

* We will, we will rock you *

* Buddy you're a young man hard
man shouting in the street *

* Gonna take on
the world someday *

* You got blood on your face *

* You big disgrace *

* Waving your banner
all over the place *

* We will, we will rock you *

* Singing we will,
we will rock you *

[women screaming and shouting]

How did we do, Maureen?

Bleedin' fantastic!

Now girls, one more
time with feeling.

[women screaming]

Come back!

I've paid them!

It's publicity!

The buggers.

What are you tarts screaming at?

Something you've not got.

What?

Animal magic.

[they laugh hysterically]

[car horn beeping]

[she moans]

It's lunchtime blow outs Billy.

Oh God, oh, we're
gonna have to stop.

Why?

'Cause it ruins me hair.

I've got my reputation
to think about, Billy.

-[she moans]
-[door bell dings]

-Ooh, sister!
-You in the back?

Oh, hello, Maureen.

What can I do for you?

We've come for works.

The full beauty treatment.

[they cheer]

It's disgusting.

And 1965 was the start of it.

I couldn't get my hair
set without interference.

It all went unisex.

[upbeat music]

Who's a pretty boy, then?

[she laughs]

[he screams]

That's it girl, make a
new man out of him, hey?

-What's going on in there?
-It's your Terry,

he's in with Tiffany.

What's she doin' to him?

She's waxing his chest
and his bikini line.

[he screams]

Oh, give over, you soft sod!

We women go through that
routine once a month!

[they laugh]

How long do you have to tan?

Oh love, what you
doing inside there?

I'm a sex object.

Get away, you're not old enough.

I remember helping his
mother change his nappy.

I used to put him
across me knee,

sprinkle his bottom
with talcum powder.

Aye, you can do it again
Saturday night for £19.99.

You coming, girls?

Opening night, Golden Garter?

[women chattering excitedly]

[upbeat music]

* Party time *

[car horn beeping]

Oh, yes.

I'm very impressed, Maureen,
with what I can see.

Bugger off, you filthy
swine, I'm relieving myself.

I like it.

-You've got balls.
-I beg your pardon?

Ooh, ooh you are sitting
on a goldmine, darling,

and I'd like some of it.

Get out of my toilet!

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

Dirty man's a cesspit.

Hey.

Times have changed, Maureen.

How's it going upstairs, hey?

Playing about with boys?

I am not playing
about, Billy Bowmans.

-I am deadly serious.
-Good.

Because, Maureen,

there's summat I
want to show you.

What are you doing?

You need a man, Maureen.

What for?

To show you how to do it.

Do what?

This.

["Stayin' Alive"
by the Bee Gees]

* Well you can tell by
the way I use my walk *

* I'm a woman's man,
no time to talk *

* Music loud, the women warm *

* I've been kicked
around since I was born *

* And that's all
right, that's okay *

* You may look the other way *

* But we can try to understand *

* The New York Times'
effect on man *

* Whether you're a brother
or whether you're a mother *

* You're stayin'
alive, stayin' alive *

* Feel the city breakin'
and everybody shakin' *

* And we're stayin'
alive, stayin' alive *

* Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin'
alive, stayin' alive *

I was a male stripper
for 10 years, Maureen.

The biggest in the business.

I can show them boys
of yours upstairs

the tricks of the trade.

* When you walk *

* Well now I get
low and I get high *

* And if I can't
either, I really try *

* Got the wings of
heaven on my shoes *

* I'm a dancin' man
and I just can't lose *

* You know it's all
right, it's okay *

* I'll live to see another day *

You can't pussyfoot around in
the glamour business, Maureen.

I can't believe it.

Your wiggle's like a whippet's!

* Stayin' alive, stayin' alive *

* Feel the city breakin'
and everybody shakin' *

* And we're stayin'
alive, stayin' alive *

* Ah, ha, ha, ha,
stayin' alive *

Because I know what women want.

Ooh!

* Stayin' alive *

Me and you, Maureen.

We could be good for each other.

You know what I mean?

No, I don't, Billy.

What is it you want?

I want to manage your boys.

Me and you, partners.

What do you say?

Tell you what I
say, Billy Bowmans.

I've already got a partner,

and her name's Sandra.

[gentle guitar music]

[Fortune Teller] What
is your wish, my child?

Oh, I wish to know the future.

What does it behold
for me and Billy?

May this rune, now enchanted,

let the second sight be granted.

You shall have his child,

wear his ring and live
happily ever after.

But I've already had his child.

You shall have another.

A baby boy.

Ooh.

He loves me.

-Ooh, you look gorgeous.
-You trying to be funny?

[car horn beeping]

Give over!

People'll think I'm
on the game or summat.

-Come on, get in the car.
-No chance,

I'm a married woman.

[Billy] What's that
got to do with it?

Everything.

Maureen?

Get in the car.

-Come on.
-[dog groans]

Oh, you're not doing
it right, Robbie.

It's wiggle, waggle,
turn, turn, drop 'em.

I'm not allowed to drop
'em during my solo.

Why not?

Maureen says she's serving
chicken in the basket.

Oh heck, look at the time.

I have to go and
get my kecks on.

What's got into you?

Your father's going to.

If my prediction's come right.

Oh, Billy!

* I'm in the mood for love *

A rose sir, for your lady?

-Give her the bucket.
-Oh, Billy.

Hey, my treat.

Oh no, it's expensive.

Keep the change.

Oh, Billy.

I've never been given
a bucket of roses.

Very symbolic.

What, the bucket?

-No, a rose.
-Oh yeah, yeah.

What does it remind you of?

Oh, a flower?

Reminds me of a woman.

Her sexual parts.

Why have you brought
me here, Billy?

You're a very attractive
woman, Maureen.

Oh, aye.

And I wasn't born yesterday.

I remember you at school.

You're always after summat.

And what is it you want?

I want you and your boys.

I thought of a
stage name for them.

Oh aye, what's that?

-The Rude Boys.
-Oh, The Rude Boys.

We can take them all the
way to the top, Maureen.

Me and you together.

I know some people.

Some very big people.

Oh aye, and who's that?

Mr. Belafonte.

What, Harry Belafonte?

He's an agent.

A very big agent.

He can fix up any venue
from Bolton to Blackpool.

* Fever *

* When you kiss me,
fever when you *

* You're givin' me fever *

Oh, stop it!

Billy!

You're ticklin'!

[she laughs]

Stop it, look, I don't
want an explosion.

You're causing static
electricity inside my tights.

Let's have a look, shall we?

[she laughs]

-Sweet, Madam?
-Eh?

-The menu.
-Oh, oh, aye, ta.

Oh Billy, oh Billy.

Billy, come out from
under that table, now.

* Fever *

Do you want a pudding?

Oh, oh!

We've not quite decided.

Billy's just havin'
another look.

Thank you, Madam.

Thank you, Billy's going to-

Yours, I believe.

Come on, Maureen.

Put me out of my misery.

Me, you and The Rude Boys.

[Maureen] Oh, that's not a
Harry Belafonte recording.

Harry, Harry sang-

* Day-oh, day-oh *

* Daylight come and
me want to go- *

[Maureen] No, that
was somebody else.

I'm just talking
to Shirley Bassey.

Hello, Shirley, love.

Aye, Saturday night,
the Starlight Ballroom.

Can you do it for me?

Good.

-Ice or soda?
-No, number nine bus

to the terminal, then
you can walk from there.

Aye, and it's cash in hand.

Lovely.

Mr. Belafonte, he
represents all the stars.

-Brad Pitt, Sharon Stone.
-Oh, come on.

Arnie Schwarzenegger.

You name 'em, I represent 'em.

It's a new idea of mine.

Look alikeys.

-What do you think?
-Dead impressed.

I thought you would be, lad.

Right, lad, let's get
down to business, yeah.

Mr. Belafonte, The Rude Boys.

We've come to discuss
representation.

Representation?

No, no, lad.

I've represented them
male strippers before.

And I'll tell you, it
was a nice little earner

in the old days, a few
bob, but not anymore, lad.

The bottom's fallen
right out of it.

-I'm not interested.
-You're not?

-I'm not.
-Mr Belafonte's right, Billy.

Them Chippendale male
groups, they're all alike.

Trussed up turkeys with all
Brussels sprouts, aren't they?

Shut up, Maureen.

Just wait a minute.

Our group, Mr. Belafonte,
it's different.

How different?

-They're not men.
-Not men?

What the bloody hell are they?

-They're boys.
-Boys?

How old?

-Old enough.
-What for?

-Titillation.
-Who for?

Us women.

-Is it legal?
-Oh, aye.

For years, you men have ogled
young girls, Mr. Belafonte.

Well, now, it's time for
us women to have a look.

And the Golden Garter
is the place to see it.

See what?

-Boys' bare bottoms.
-Oh, lovely!

Boys' bare bottoms?

Is there much call
for this round here?

See for yourself,
we're sold out.

We're open Saturday night.

* Humidity's risin' *

* Barometer's gettin' low *

* According to all sources *

Maureen doesn't want to
talk about it, all right?

-She's decided.
-Since when?

Since I said.

What about me?

She never asked me.

Maureen doesn't have to ask you.

She's the landlady.

She pays the wages, she
can do what she likes.

But me and her were partners.

No, not anymore you're not.

Sandra!

Sandra, I'm sorry.

I've got to think what's
best for business.

[Sandra] I thought
we were friends.

We are friends, Sandra.

Nothing much changes.

Oh great.

Ta, I'm really
grateful for that.

Don't make it any more
difficult for me, Sandra.

I need Billy's
professional experience.

I'm sorry.

What do you look like, eh?

Queen of shite.

Oh, that's nice, that's nice.

Oh, nice, now come on.

Cross the ball.

Yes!

Come on, go on!

Yes, goal!

Give me that.

Come here, give it back here.

Give!

Why don't you ever
do that to me?

'Cause you haven't got
her face or her figure.

I don't have to
put up with this!

[gentle music]

What are you doing, Maureen?

Living a lie, Billy.

You look like a ghost.

I am a ghost.

Been haunting myself for years.

Can I come in?

I need somewhere to kip.

-Sandra's locked me out.
-Maureen, get up here!

Shift that fat arse!

I'll sleep on the sofa,
Maureen, anyway, you know.

You won't have to sleep
on my sofa, Billy.

Get in and drive.

[car engine starts]

[gentle music]

[thunder rumbles]

[he whistles]

-It's a palace!
-Oh, aye.

Uncle Albert, he
lived like a queen.

Jimmy knows nothing about it.

Not told him.

This house, it's my secret.

Uncle Albert and Uncle George.

Such a lovely couple.

They worshipped each other.

What like, brothers?

No, friends.

What sort of friends?

Special friends.

They lived together
for 50 years.

Their rings.

Love rings.

Moonstones.

Did they get married?

No, don't be soft, they met
in 1942, it were illegal.

-Yeah.
-Oh, no.

Their world was
a secret kingdom.

Fairyland.

Fairyland.

What's the matter, Maureen?

Nothing.

I'm just upset.

Uncle Albert and Uncle George.

They both found it.

What?

Love.

Why can't I?

You can.

Oh yes, you can.

[thunder rumbles]

-Oh, Billy.
-It's all right, Maureen,

-it's all right.
-Yeah.

Oh, Maureen.

Oh, Billy.

[bed pan clanging]

-What's that?
-Oh, it's Uncle Albert's

chamber pot.

He were addicted.

He had to go every day.

Where?

The bingo.

Bloody hell.

It's all mine, Billy.

£10,000.

Oh, Maureen.

-[she laughs]
-Oh my God.

[thunder cracking]

[Maureen laughs]

-Sorry.
-It's all right,

-it's all right.
-£10,000.

Oh, you!

[they laugh]

And it's all Maureen's.

And it's all-

[thunder cracking]

Oh no, oh, Billy!

Oh, heck.

-He's got your eyes.
-He's got your ears.

-He's got your mouth.
-He's got your nose.

Yeah.

Our son.

Baby Keanu.

Oh!

Will you marry me?

Why?

Because I love you.

* Barometer's getting low *

* According to all sources *

* The street's the place to go *

* 'Cause tonight
for the first time *

* Just about half past 10 *

* For the first
time in history *

* It's gonna start raining men *

* Start raining men *

* It's raining men *

* Hallelujah it's raining men *

* Amen *

* I'm gonna go out *

* I'm gonna let myself get *

* Absolutely soaking wet *

* It's raining men *

* Hallelujah it's raining men *

* Every specimen *

* Tall, blonde, dark and mean *

* Rough and tough
and strong and lean *

* It's raining men *

* Hallelujah it's raining men *

* Amen *

* It's raining men *

* Hallelujah it's raining men *

* Amen *

* Wait for the
thunder don't you *

Two, three, four.

Robbie, watch me, all right?

Watch what I do.

Two, three, four.

* Stay in bed *

* Rip off the roof
and stay in bed *

* God bless mother nature *

* She's a single woman too *

* She took on the heavens *

* And she did what
she had to do *

* She taught every angel *

* To rearrange the skies *

* So that each and every woman *

* Could find the perfect guy *

Okay, lads.

It's the end of dress rehearsal.

-It's not a competition, Dad.
-He's all right, your Dad.

[phone ringing]

[Man] It's bloody
uncomfortable, innit?

-Yeah?
-It's Maureen.

I am so excited.

Saturday night, we're
gonna shoot to the moon.

Mr. Belafonte,
he'll be mesmerised.

Billy, come up here, darlin'.

I've got so much I
want to show you.

I want to give it you
up here on this plank.

I've wrapped it specially.

What?

Prezzie.

Let's go.

It's all yours, Billy.

Forever and ever.

-What do you say?
-How much?

-Pardon?
-No, I-

Is it valuable?

Well yes, it is to me.

It were Uncle
Albert's moonstone.

Oh, ciggies.

[bright romantic music]

Key to fairyland.

Do you want it?

Yeah.

How much?

Show me how much.

[tense music]

What?

What's your problem?

Eh?

You know what's my problem!

It's Maureen.

-She's on the chain.
-Oh, God.

Has she seen a doctor?

It's not hormonal, Bowmans.

It's mental.

She started the thing
for her bloody self,

she'll think I haven't noticed.

What's got into her?

You have.

You're a fast mover,
I'll give you that.

You've got to be in the
glamour business, Jimmy.

You know what I mean?

You've got to keep
abreast of the times.

Aye, whose breasts?

Oh, come on.

Me and Maureen, we've got a
good business relationship.

That's all.

I know.

Just you remember,
she's my wife, right?

Can't blame me for that, Jimmy.

What's her business is mine.

Exactly, and on Saturday,

she's gonna make you
a bloody fortune.

No, no, she's not,
because I'm not having it.

This is my pub.

I'm not having you and her
cavorting behind my back.

-Saturday night's off.
-What?

[Jimmy] Sling your hook.

-You can't.
-I can.

I'm the bloody landlord
here, remember?

I've got Belafonte coming.

Yeah.

I don't care if you've got
the queen of England coming.

You're up to
summat, now sod off.

Jimmy, it's Maureen
that's up to summat.

That's the key.

A key to what?

It's Maureen's little secret.

It's her key to fairyland.

Fairyland?

[Sandra] What is it, Robbie?

What are you trying to tell me?

They're having it off.

Who's having it off?

Dad and Maureen!

-I saw them both.
-What!

[Robbie] He had her up
in the air suspended.

-You're a liar.
-I'm not lying.

You're a liar!

I'm gonna kill him.

I'm gonna kill him!

[dramatic music]

[she screams]

[she sobs gently]

[Billy] Open the fucking door!

Go!

Go, go, bugger off!

[she sobs]

[car horn beeps]

-What!
-Tiffany.

-What?
-Let me in!

Sandra, she's...

You know, she's thrown me out.

Why?

Her hormones have
started playing up.

[gentle music]

Well, I don't know
why you've stuck

-with her for so long, Billy.
-Baby.

I felt sorry for her.

It's you that I feel
sorry for, Billy willy.

You're wasting your life
on the likes of that.

Sandra's past it.

You can tell by her hair.

It's all dried up.

It's true.

It is.

[they moan]

It's me and you, Tiffany.

-We're going places.
-Yeah!

-Going up!
-Ooh!

Here's your ticket,

for the opening night
at the Golden Garter.

Oh, it's still warm, Billy.

Yeah.

Yeah, Saturday
night, Billy Bowmans,

-you're gonna taste it.
-Oh yeah, taste what?

The big time!

[she giggles]

You'll be able to have
your own Rude Boy products,

Rude Boy shampoo,
Rude Boy conditioner.

-Super rude sounds.
-Aye, that sort of thing.

-What the hell's that?
-It's all right.

-It's a prezzie.
-Oh, Billy!

-Oh, for me?
-It's for you, Tiffany.

Forever and forever.

It's you that I need,
it's you that I want,

-it's you that I love.
-Oh, Billy.

Our future.

No, success.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

Oh, good.

[bright gentle music]

[people chattering]

[camera clicking]

* Why are we waiting *

* Why are we waiting *

[bright gentle music]

Five more minutes.

To blast off.

[people cheering]

-Mr. Belafonte, welcome.
-How are ya?

Who's idea was all this
then, the media, publicity?

-Mine.
-Yours?

Well, well done lad, you're
learning, very intuitive,

I'm impressed.

Here, Babs, come and smile
for the Dicky birds, love.

[people cheering]

-Who the hell's this then?
-It's her Majesty the Queen.

The Queen, here?

It's a look alikey, I like it!

[people applaud]

Maureen Hardcastle.

[people chattering indistinctly]

How do?

It's always a pleasure.

[fanfare music]

I now declare this
Golden Garter open.

[people applaud]

[upbeat music]

[people chatting,
shouting and laughing]

Woo!

Woo!

Your Royal Highness.

[people cheering]

Ladies of Lancashire!

Are you ready for...

It?

Are you ready for...

Them?

Ladies of Lancashire,

the Golden Garter
proudly presents, yes,

The Rude Boys!

[people cheer and scream]

* Hi, we're your
West End girls *

* And have we got news for you *

* Get ready all
you lonely girls *

* And leave those
umbrellas at home *

* Humidity's rising *

* Barometer's getting low *

* According to all sources *

* The street's the place to go *

* 'Cause tonight
for the first time *

* Just about half past 10 *

* For the first
time in history *

* It's gonna start raining men *

Maureen Hardcastle,
you're a lying, cheating,

two timing turd!

[Audience] Ooh!

-Judas!
-Maureen!

-What's going on?
-She knows what's going on,

the dirty old trollop!

[audience gasp]

She was the same at school.

Never could be
trusted, could ya?

Always had her hands
inside my pencil case.

Get out of my pub!

Maureen Hardcastle.

She's a phoney !

She's false.

Just like that rug
on top of her head.

[Audience] Ooh!

For your information,
Sandra Delaney,

this is not a rug!

It's a designer hair piece.

[audience cheer]

Not anymore it's not!

[audience shouting
and screaming]

-Give me back my hairpiece!
-Here, with pleasure.

Fetch!

[audience shouting]

You're a slapper!

You fat old cow!

Look, I don't want to
fight with you, Sandra.

Don't you?

Well I do!

[audience shouting]

Order, order!

[Billy screaming]

Now then, there
ladies, come on now.

Lift and separate.

Bugger Billy Bowmans!

[audience shouting
and screaming]

What's been going on, Billy?

Now listen, it's all right.

I'll tell you what's
been going on.

Billy and Maureen have
been having it off!

-Liar!
-It's true.

I've got friggin' witnesses.

Robbie, tell them.

I saw them both.

Dad and Maureen.

He was giving her one.

-[audience gasps]
-On a plank.

-What?
-Up a ladder.

She was suspended, up there.

-Billy!
-Maureen.

I haven't done anything.

Then how do you explain this?

-What is that?
-Maureen's piss pot.

[audience laughs]

Billy?

Have you been a bollocking
with my wife, Bowmans?

-Have I a buggery.
-Have you?

Of course he bleedin' hasn't.

Woman of her girth and
proportion, get a life!

You cheeky arse bitch!

Billy is mine.

He bought me a ring.

An engagement ring.

-He what?
-You keep your tired

tits out of this, will you?

I'm talking to her.

Lady muck.

At least you got a
ring out of him, lovey.

All I got was a broken hymen.

Jesus tonight, he's
give them all one!

There's been a
friggin' threesome!

What have you been up
to with these women?

Orgies!

[people shouting and screaming]

Out the bloody way!

[glass shattering]

[dog barking]

Here, are we gonna get
a nudey show or what?

* Why are we waiting *

* Why are we waiting *

* Why are we waiting *

[people screaming and shouting]

Billy Bowmans, have
you shagged my wife?

[people gasp]

No, no I haven't.

Oh, come on Jimmy.

Hey, think about it.

Have you seen her lately?

She's an ugly, fat bitch.

[everyone gasps]

You liar.

He did.

What?

Touch me.

Billy Bowmans seduced
me at Uncle Albert's.

[people gasp]

For a moment.

-I didn't.
-He did.

And I've got the evidence.

In here.

[everyone gasps]

And in nine months
time, I shall prove it.

[Tiffany gasps]

Jimmy.

[everyone shouts and cheers]

Order!

Come on girls, let's [mumbles].

[people shouting and screaming]

Is that it?

[everyone laughing]

All that fuss about nothing.

[everyone laughs]

I've seen bigger on the
end of a cocktail stick!

[everyone laughs]

[solemn music]

Sandra!

-What have you been up to?
-Leave me alone!

You're a contaminated bitch!

You've made me a laughing stock.

A pantaloon.

Tomorrow morning,
you'll see a doctor.

If it's true, you get that
thing of yours sucked out.

Did you ever love me, Jimmy?

Shut it!

I need to know.

-I married you, didn't I?
-Why?

Because you asked me to.

I loved you, Jimmy.

Did you?

Yeah, I did.

Aren't I the lucky one?

I loved you ever so much.

Once upon a time.

[gentle piano music]

[birds singing]

Sandra!

You dropped your shoe.

And you dropped your knickers.

Tell me it's not true.

-I'm sorry.
-How could you?

I don't believe you.

Billy always wears a Johnny.

-He didn't this time.
-Why?

[Maureen] No idea.

I suppose he thought
I was past it.

-Oh, and you're not.
-No, I'm not.

No, I went to Boots the chemist,
bought myself a predictor.

Turned blue.

Why did you do it?

I don't know, Sandra.

[she sighs]

I needed to feel it, I s'pose.

Feel what?

-Desire.
-From Billy?

No, love.

From anyone.

You slut!

Jimmy and I haven't
felt anything in years.

Help me, Sandra.

I'm all alone.

[dog barking]

[tyres screeching]

Sandra, get in the
car, we're going home.

What home?

I haven't got a home.

Sandra, get in the car
and do as you're told.

Why should I?

Because...

It's you that I need.

It's you that I want.

It's you that I love.

-Sandra.
-What?

Now get in the car
and do as you're told!

Oh, grow up!

Love is a fairytale, Billy.

Do you see what you've done?

You satisfied?

[rock music]

[tyres screeching]

You're a mongrel, Maureen!

Oh, Maureen.

You've ruined everything.

I know.

Nevermind.

So have I.

For 25 years, I
lived with Billy.

I tried to make his
world beautiful.

And what have I
got to show for it?

A stupid rose.

And a thorn in my belly.

It's not a thorn, Maureen.

It's life.

And very soon, just
like you and me

and the rest of the poor
buggers in this world,

it'll be crying out for it.

Crying out for what?

Some kind of tenderness.

That's all I've ever wanted.

Join the club.

[Maureen chuckles]

I already have.

It's beyond sex, Maureen.

What is?

Love.

Oh, aye, love.

Oh Sandra, please forgive me.

He's tripped you, Belafonte.

Belafonte, push it through!

[they shout]

Give me that.

Hey, I'll tell you what though.

Bloody Friday.

What?

All them bloody women!

[they laugh]

Oh, I'll drink to that.

Well, I shall tell her,

from today it's me in charge.

You tell her!

You, you supply the merchandise.

I'll supply the merchandise.

And hey, hey, hey, and I
supply the venue, right?

You and me.

You and me.

And The Rude Boys.

And The Rude Boys!

'Cause we've got it, lads.

The Rude Boys!

-It's our world!
-Yes,

the world is ours, Jimmy.

Bloody hell, you must have
been desperate though.

What?

What?

Bloody fiddling about
up there with Maureen.

[he laughs]

I don't want to talk
about it, all right?

I'll bet you bloody don't!

The pair of them,
they're rancid.

[they laugh]

Oh here they come, get 'em
out, show us your tits!

Come on boys, let's get moving.

Where are you two going?

We're going to Uncle Albert's.

Robbie!

So it's ta-ta to you, darlin'.

Come on, Bosco.

And we'll see the
both of you in court.

-What?
-Divorce

and child maintenance.

What are you talking about?

Me and Sandra, we're
setting up home together.

[they laugh]

-Do you hear this?
-Oh, aye.

You two should do the same.

You are suited.

[Sandra] You're both
a pair of twats.

[Maureen laughs]

Come on, boys.

Let's shoot for the moon.

* At first I was afraid *

* I was petrified. *

* Kept thinking I could never
live without you by my side *

* But then I spent
so many nights *

* Thinking how
you did me wrong *

* And I grew strong *

* And I learned
how to get along *

* And now you're back *

* From outer space *

* I just walked
in find you here *

* With that sad look
upon your face *

* I should have changed
that stupid lock *

* I should have made
you leave your key *

* If I had known for
just one second *

* You'd be back to bother me *

* Go on now go *

* Walk out the door *

* Just turn around now *

* 'Cause you're not
welcome anymore *

* Weren't you the one that
tried to hurt me with goodbye *

* Did I crumble *

* Did you think I'd
lay down and die *

* Oh no not I *

* I will survive *

* Oh, as long as I
know how to love *

* I know I'll stay alive *

* I got all my life to live *

* I've got all my love to give *

* And I'll survive *

* I will survive hey hey *

* It took all the strength
I had not to fall apart *

* Kept trying hard to mend the
pieces of my broken heart *

* And I spent oh
so many nights *

* Just feeling
sorry for myself *

* I used to cry *

* But now I hold
my head up high *

* And you see me somebody new *

* I'm not that chained-up
little person *

* Still in love with you *

* And so you feel
like dropping in *

* And just expect
me to be free *

* And now I'm saving
all my loving *

* For someone who's loving me *

* Go on now, go *

* Walk out the door *

* Just turn around now *

* 'Cause you're not
welcome anymore *

* Weren't you the one who
tried to hurt me with goodbye *

* Did I crumble *

* Did you think I'd
lay down and die *

* Oh, no, not I *

* I will survive *

* Oh, as long as I know how to
love I know I'll stay alive *

* I've got all my life to live *

* I've got all my love to give *

* And I'll survive *

* I will survive *

* Hey hey *

He's got my eyes.

He's got his ears.

He's got my mouth.

He's got his nose.

-Sandra?
-What?

He'll have both our minds.

[baby cooing]

[gentle music]

[upbeat music]

* I will survive, survive,
survive, survive *

* I will survive, survive,
survive, survive *