Brancaleone at the Crusades (1970) - full transcript

Like lions in the wind we are marching.
We are the Brancaleone army.

In the middle of the sea
There is a boat.

We stepped aboard
to reach the Holy Land.

Once arrived in the Holy Land ...

We all got rich
in the Holy Land.

Branca, Branca, Branca.
Leon, Leon, Leon.

Like lions in the wind we are marching.
We are the Brancaleone army.

How beautiful
this princess is...

how beautiful and how hot
it seems like a nice girl.

Branca, Branca, Branca.
Leon, Leon, Leon.

Like lions in the wind, we are marching.
We are the Brancaleone army.



"How big our faith,
how small the sea.."

Alone with God
Without meat and without bread.

Without drinks, without pants.

Alone with God.

The sea!

Praise the Lord!
Praise the sea!

Praise!
Praise the sea!

Oh, praise!

There it is!

To the Holy boat!

Get in the boat!

- Are the raiders coming?
- Run!

Hurry up!
The blind and the mute first.

Be careful you, who are blind,
with a crippled man on your shoulders.



Settle the embarkment table.
Climb!

Sail off. The Lord is with us.
Pope Gregorio is with us.

Row and sing.

Damn you!

Board and sail.
The strongest ones will have to paddle!

The maimed ones at the helm.

Hurry up, the Lord is with us.

Pope Gregorio is with us.

Sing!

Long is the way...

... but great is the goal.
Step back, Satan!

Step back, Satan!

Thank the Lord, Praise Him.
Hallelujah!

Long is the way,
but great is the goal.

Step back, Satan!
Step back, Satan!

against the Saracens...

... we follow the prophet.

Step back, Satan!
Step back, Satan!

> - Land!

- There's a Holy Land in sight!
> Why are you surprised?

God is with us.

He pulls down mountains, dries
rivers and makes the sea small.

We are in Africa.
Disembark!

Move, Aquilante!

Thank you, God of armies....

...for having led
us to these holy lands.

Praise to your Vicar on earth,
Pope Gregorio.

Big Pope, Holy Pope!

An infidel!

Come to me, daring patrol!

Stand still, savage!

Good catch, knight.

The enemy will give us valuable information
about this land.

Whom among you speaks
the language of this infidel?

Me.
Panigotto of Venice.

I am a great traveler.
I've met people and nations.

- I know their customs.
- Speak, dog!

. Where is Jerusalem?
. Uh! Uh!

- The dog spoke.
- Repeat.

Speak, dog!
Where is Jerusalem?

I don't know. The nearest place
is Scatorchiano.

He said that the nearest place
is Scatorchiano.

And how far is this moorish
fortress to be found?

- Tell me the truth.
- Three or four thousands poles ... - Translate.

- Three or four thousands Poles.
- I did understand this!

- Are you making fun of me?
- Sir, he speaks a language of Christian origin.

. But... who are you?
- My name is Rosone, I'm a goat sheperd.

Goats. Those animals with a beard
and horns.

So this is not the Holy Land?

Not holy! This land is cursed!
Just rocks and scrubs!

Is this great water not the sea?

The sea??? We call it a lake here.

But it could be.

Lord, thank you for putting us
through this test.

You thought you could reach this goal
without crying and bleeding.

- Isn't it so? Yes.
- But no!

Ahead, through trial and torture,
to the sea and to the Holy Land.

Ahead, sinners and repentants,
in the name of Christ and Pope Gregorio.

Crew, wait for me!
The strongest ones lift this piece of wood!

It will be useful for the real sea.

(Together) Come on!
> Aquilante, follow us.

Let us walk on the same step if
we don't want to step on our own feet.

One, Two. One, Two.

Pace, repentants!
One, two. One, two.

(chorus)
Long is the way ...

... but great is the goal!

Step back, Satan!
Step back, Satan!

Long is the way...

... but great is the goal!.

Step back, Satan!
Step back, Satan!

Without sustainment,
without fear.

Without shoes,
without money.

Without the jug,
without bun.

Without the map,
Without feeding.

Without horses
nor Cheese.

Wanderer and warriors,
stop and listen.

It is Bishop Spadone,
Abbot of Lesina, who speaks!

In the name of whom you go
liberating the Holy Sepulchre?

In the name of the Father,
in the name of the Son ...

...in the name of the Holy Spirit!

- But are they three people or just one?
- One and trine!

- Trine and One As Gregorio told us.
(Together) Hooray Gregorio!

You're a heretic!

It is one sole person!
And Pope Gregorio no longer reigns.

- He was overthrown by Clement, ninth pope.
(Together) anathema!

Anathema on Gregorio....

...and his followers.
Abomination, extermination and fire from hell!

> Open it! Let me out of here
for I am your leader!

> Get me out of this damn shell!

First Dialogue Between Brancaleone and Death

> Help!

> Whoever hears this call, help me.

> Alas!

> Who would have said that I'd have faced the end of a rat....

...In the deep darkness!
Open!

> Get me out of here!

Hey, my people!
Where are you?

Horror!

Horror!

Infamy and shame on me!

I had sworn
to be your shield.

Enough with this useless scrap
which i'm no longer worth of!

- What's happening?
- Who?s there?

Who are you?

It's me, the blind man who carries me
on his shoulders and the other two who escaped.

- We were just in time to hide.
- They are all dead. Blessed are we!

All of them. And you!

Be ashamed! How dare you stay alive ...

...in front of so many deaths? Who
gave you such infamous bravery?

And who gave it to you?
You are alive like us.

No, you stupid blind!
Not like you!

Ah! Shame on me!

May shame submerge
and suffocate me!

Shame!

May the guilt of being alive among
so many deads be lifted off me!

Death, come beautiful Death!
Take me too!

Why hesitate?
I invoke thee, I do not fear thee.

What is life? So brief a clamor,
followed by a fetid breath.

Come!

Come, Death!
Tear me from life! Hurry!

What are you doing, Death? Hesitating?

Come fast, I can't resist anymore!
I order you!

> I am here.

- Who are you??
- Your death.

- Didn't you call me?
- Me? - Yes.

- You were the one that summoned me.

Ah, yes.

Words that might fly in the rush of emotions...

- ...Should never be taken seriously.
- From now on they will.

- Prepare to die.
- What? Right now? This very moment?

What do you expect?
I am here and you are here.

I'll let you choose.

A stroke?
Sudden plague?

Vermiculite, a blazing fast
dissolving of the body?

Those are miserable proposals!

Brancaleone from Norcia
shall have a glorious death...

...with a weapon in his hand
and for a righteous cause.

I deserve that. I am a Knight.

As you wish.

You have seven moons,
after which I will take you...

...wherever and however you are.

Seven moons?

I just need a single day
to find my worthy death.

If it's so, I want to help.
Five miles from here...

...in a place called Ponterragno,
an innocent is about to be killed.

Try to save him
and you'll meet a glorious death.

I will be there in ten minutes.
Go ahead.

Ten minutes with my horse
Aquilante? Let's make it an hour.

- I'll be there. Villain be the one who'll be missing.
- Villain.

(With heavy German accent)
What am I going to do to you, little one?

Do I make you fly away?
Be good, little one.

Do not cry.
You do like flying away.

Yes, you like flying away .

Flying away is so good for you!
Are you ready?

Stop right there!

Otherwise, as you know I may,
I will tore you in halves.

Son of a dirty whore!

You unruly porcupine!

Bare one of many weapons you bear
and fight with me!

You will pay the abomination you were
going to commit with your life.

Oh, my knight!

It is not an abomination but a german
act of loyalty to my prince.

And you act so low a deed
out of loyalty to your prince?

I'm not loyal to my prince,
just to his money. Do you understand?

If you let me kill the child,
the Prince will give me money...

...and I'll give you half of it.

How dare you? Defend your dirty life
if you can, Alemannic abortion!

Stop!

You're willing to risk your fat life ......

...for the life of a puppy,
and for free?

I see that you don't have many brains...

...but thy will be done.

I'll make you a proposal.
We'll fight the German way.

"Ja"?

- What do you mean?
- With our eyes blindfolded.

It's funnier and demands
for a greater bravery...

...but especially
great Alemannic loyalty.

- To blindfolds!
- To blindfolds.

To blindfolds.

I'll blindfold you
and you'll blindfold me.

Yes, blindfold me.

Come on!

I blindfold you
and you blindfold me.

Put it down as I can still see.

Good.
I'm now well blindfolded.

- Let me do it to you.
- Blindfold me.

- Give me the flaps.
. Here they are.

Tie them tight.

-Are you blindfolded enough?
- Ja... Can't you see? No.

How many fingers in this hand ?

- Seven.
- Then you can't see!

- What's going on?
- Who knows?

Where are we?

You didn't even scratch me.

My head!
That big sword hurts a lot!

You worthless slob!

Is this your faithfulness,
your Alemannic loyalty?

Mercy! It's a holy right
for a mercenary.

- Lay your head on that log, you snake!
- No kicks, no!

I can see the stone!

And don't move lest you want
to get hurt.

But I won't use the sword.
I'll use the axe!

If you spare me,
you will be my lord.

If you spare me, I will follow your steps
like a slave, like a dog.

Like a sheep!

And you can't even spare an ounce of dignity
to avoid bleating like a sheep.

- I didn't bleat.
- You did. You did.

- I didn't bleat.
- Ahoy, my brave mastiffs!

You got here in due time.
You did well, following me.

- Oh leader, who is this man?
- Who is this man, you ask me?

A slaughterer of children.

The Child!

- Which child?
- I know nothing about it.

Oh German! This child,
wrapped in so rich clothes...

...whose son is he?
- And you?

I'm not asking who your father is,
because that can be easily imagined.

. Who hired you to kill the child?
- My name is Thorz.

Beomondo Ottunzo Funzo Kunz.

He says he is called Thorz.
The child is the son of King Boemondo of Sicily...

...who has been fighting the infidels in the
Holy Land for two years.
.

Taking advantage of this, his younger brother
Turone is trying to seize the kingdom.

And that's why he paid so much the Alemannic
to kill his nephew Kilderico, heir to the throne.

- He said all of this?!
- More or less. I didn't make a resume.

> Regarding the many money...

If we bring the intact child
safely to his father...

...maybe he will give us a reward.

Panigotto,
even if you talk too much...

...sometimes you can be
a good advisor.

I have to ponder about it.

Is this child
very annoying or what?

In Aquitaine they use a new method
to calm babies down.

Do you know the woman's breasts,
those huge things in front...

The boobs. The tits. Yes.
- But i can't see any around. - The goats have them.

He is right! He could shut up
with goat's tits. Perhaps he is hungry.

My veterans, I see you are
shabby and tired enough...

...but for this reason
you're ready to just about anything.

Listen to your leader.

The gift of a King will be
vast estates in the Holy Land...

...with castles, servants,
vegetables, bread and cheese.

The journey is long
and full of dangers.

Turone, usurper and uncle of the child,
will give you no truce.

You'll have to endure sweat,
tears and blood!

Are you ready for this?
(Together) Yes!

- Hip hip! (Together) hurray!
> You will be our hostage.

I'll judge you on our first fight.

Leg!

Branca, Branca, Branca!
> (Together) Leon, Leon, Leon!

A Damned, a Witch
And a Leper

You, who torture yourself
in such a fashion...

...tell us who you are
and why you act like this.

To punish me.
- What sins have you committed....

...to call for such a punishment?

One. Just one.

It's the most horrible sin
you could ever imagine.

Imagine it.

- Did you imagine it?
- Yes.

Well, all that you imagined,
compared to mine...

...could be mere good deeds.
> Damn!

Did you slaughter your brother like Cain?

Did you spit in the Holy Water bowl?

Or merely, have you coupled
with your mother?

First, those into whose ears
I blew my sin....

...had lost their mind.
They ran away screaming and they're still running.

Hell won't have as strong a
penance as I need.

And so I punish myself waiting for death.

Do not name it!

- What a pain! So beautiful. Thank you!
> Enough talk.

Do you know where the sea is?
I can't even see the horizon.

I think it's over that mountain.
I am going there too, to the holy hermit Pantaleo.

Maybe he's the only one who can absolve me of my sin.

What's your name?

Nobody will know it!

Call me abomination,
or injurious insult.

Or, if you prefer, filthiness,
debauchery, debris!

Yes, Pattume* will be my name.
*(Debris)

And so be it. I'll take you in my army.
You'll take care of the trash.

March!

Halt!

Panigotto!

What city is that?

It might be Pansagnatico Upon The Mountain
if only it weren't just below it.

> Do you hear the same sound I hear?

It might be a feast

- To celebrate... me?

> Maybe a wind carried the news of our arrival

It doesn't sound like a feast.
More like, horny men.

- Horny or angry?
- Let's go away!

Brancaleone, and you better know it...

... always stick around. Follow me.

(Together)... Wrangle this iron with three pliers and a pincher...

... Saint Cimino and Saint Simone
we are gonna fuck the Devil...

... Saint Aurelio that protect us,
Saint Ignazio with a beat stick...

... Saint Urbino d'Alemanna,
Saint Pilone and Saint Calla...

... Saint Ciro and Saint Mega
swallow that damn witch whole...

... Saint Antonio's gonna swallow you,
evil, bad luck, fig and back...

... Holy Mary breaks your neck
after which you'll burn in hell...

... You'll get buried by Saint Zita,
along with St. Chiara and St. Rita...

... And if they won't be enough
call upon all saints and holy men...

... all day long, all day long...

(repeat)

"Let the process begin against Tiburzia from
Pellocce, accused of magical practices...."

"...of witchcraft, known
and recognized by all."

Tiburzia from Pellocce, you are obliged
to tell the truth.

On the 2nd day of February, did you ride a broom
through the air on your way to the sabbath?

I didn't!

Did you lie with the Devil?

I didn't! I'm innocent!

We'll contradict you by using
a trustworthy witness

Notary! Call in the cursed one!

- Cippa!
- I'm here!

Cippa of Manomonte come through!

Cippa, our dear Cippa, tell us...

...Did you always look the way
you look to us now?

No. I was taller than this, much taller...

...I was smashingly handsome.
Broad shoulders, thin waist...

...Long legs, blonde hair, clear blue eyes.

And how did you turn out like this?

It's her fault!

Tiburzia put a spell on me
to turn me into this.

It isn't true! I've cast no spell!

He believed the story his friends
told around to bully him...

...and condemn me. He was born like that,
short and ugly.

Witch!

You have changed
my appearance!

- Witch!!
- Go away, ugly dwarf!

Get a grip on your anger.
Justice must be fair.

We will now hear witnesses
who came here voluntarily.

Bring on the voluntary witnesses.

Talk, oh woman, nobody
is really forcing you to do so.

Where did Tiburzia take you on February the 2nd?

- To the Sabbath
- Who was there?

Beelzebub in its goat form.

- What you have done there?
- I've kissed a black cat in the ass.

Ignite the fire!

I'm the one deserving to burn! Give me the sleep of the just!

- Shut up!
- Again! Again!

I will try to tear the woman
off the claws of her jailers.

You'll take the children to the Holy Land
if I don't return. Go, go, go, go!

Go!

- My Lord, do I go with them?
- Yes.

And if i'm not back by dinner,
say a prayer for me.

Go!

Branca, Branca!

My fellows, an enemy!

- Branca, Branca!
- Hold him!

- Quick, Sir!
- Here I am!

- Please allow Brancaleone from
Norcia, the knight... - It's burning!

Can you hear it? A horse is coming.

Brancaleone is dead.

I'll be your leader!

I'll be merciless and unruly!

Kneel down!

Let's say a prayer.

(latin) Holy Father who hart in
Heaven, blessed be thy name...

Aquilante...

- As above...
- You cursed soul!

My Lord,
are you still dazzled?

I'll be devoted to you
as long as I live and beyond.

You're in a very bad shape,
all burnt out.

- I'll heal you.
- Stop, you witch!

You're a coarse man!

Do you believe the lies
of ignorant people, too?

Ignorance is the mother
of intolerance.

The year 1000 passed by.
We are now modern people.

What are you doing?

Such an horrendous discovery!

It is true then
that you are a witch!

- You were lying at fire stakes!
- Should have I let them burn me?

Slave of Astaroth!

Follower of Asmodeus!
You won't drag me in hell!

Thorz, Rozzo,
bring her back.

I'm here, you damned!

He does insist!

- My Lord, your majesty...
- Let me go!

Do not burn her.
She must turn me back to the way I was.

Will you understand
that I didn't curse you?

- Your mother birthed you as you are.
- No! - Yes.

- May you die!
- You and your sister!

'Tricks and treats, Satan and the goat
turns you right into this log.'

Woman, not in front of me!

- Of your arguings...
- "You stinky bitch..."!

Right! There's a baby too.

Shush!

What kind of witcheries can you do?

I understand the language of the hangmen
and that of rooks.

I can make water boil without a flame.
I can heal spots on the skin.

- I can make cucumbers straight.
- Why not me? - Stop!

In my opinion, since the trip is bound
to be long and full of perils...

...even a witch can be useful.
- Stop babbling.

- You will come.
> - No!

You will come, but see that
I won't regret it.

You'll get the field
and the sentinels ready.

Water the animals and let the kitchen
workers have a go at getting the lunch ready.

- And how about food for my goat?
- No, stinging nettle for my bed.

> Slow down.

Why is the King child any different?
He shits like other children do.

Yes...

... but his soul is not the same.
It's bigger and longer, Tiburzia.

Tiburzia is not my name anymore.
It's saturday, call me Sabatilla.

And tomorrow Celestilla
if the weather will be beautiful.

Women are perky
as a day in March.

But the perk of changing name
is new to me as well.

Celestilla, Sabatilla...

They are cute names.

- Before that i was Gazza (Magpie). - I like this one
less. Isn't it the name of a bird?

I was a bird.
I was as small as this.

I have become a woman
because of a curse.

Don't you believe me?
You christians don't have faith.

I was a magpie and a thief.

I stole a magic pouch
to Porzia the witch. See?

Do you want to know
what's inside?

There's her grey hair,
her yellowed tooth...

...and a blackened nail. - Do you want
me to throw up what i just ate?

Thanks to this, I turned from a magpie
into a woman...

...such as the one you're looking at now.

I stopped listening to fairy tales
since when I was a child.

It was a brief childhood.
I became a man too soon.

A man?

Go away! You monster!

Why do you think
that I'm not a man?

The old Branca has loved...

...and loves a great dame!

I'll always be faithful to her,
even if she's closed in a convent.

I loved a male "great dame" myself,
but I'm not being that faithful.

Horns fit him perfectly.

- He's so proud of them.
- Really?

- Does such a man exist?
- Yes. It's the Devil.

Stop it!

Make him shut up!
I can't sleep!

He shut up!

Can you hear
the sound of a bell?

That's why the child shut up.

I know this tinkling sound.

- It's a leper!
- He's coming here!

Stay here!

How ugly is he!

- I want the leper to kiss me!
I want leprosy! - You filthy one!

- Do you want to infect us all?
- I want contagion!

Thanks.

Another kick!

How did you dare throwing up without
waiting for my order, you german worm?

He's going to infect us all,
my captain!

He's a creature of God such as we are.

- What's he doing?
- He said thanks.

Here.

Take this bread loaf
and go with God.

We must rest.
We leave for the Holy Land at dawn.

Go.

- What's he saying? - He's asking if he can come
to the Holy Land to heal.

- How do you understand his language?
Were you a leper? - No, my leader.

I learned it
in the Land of the Bells.

We already have a cripple,
a child and a dwarf. It's impossible.

Do not insist.

If I take you with us,
our army becomes an hospital.

Come with us then, but stay half
a mile away. It's an order.

Now go.

Let's go to sleep.

- Have a nice rest.
- Thank you.

Pattume, where are you taking us?
The sea can't be so high.

Follow me. Quick!

- Where are we? - Here.
- Where are you taking me? I can't see anything.

Pay attention to the child.

- Who's touching my tits?
-"Mein Gott"!

Mind your head!

Ouch!

Pattume, where did you take us?
DAMNED BE YOUR DEAD ONES!

> Who is it?
- Oh my god, the man in black!

Or maybe its' the Minotaur,
beast of the caves, horned species.

- He feeds on oatmeal and men.
- What are you saying?

It's the voice of the lonely
Saint Pantaleo. A lonely saint?

Who are you?
We are wanderers, father.

Come in.
Thank you, father.

> Please.

- Why do you ask and answer all by yourself?
- I am used to solitude...

... and to reasoning with myself.
- here comes another one!

In this solitude I understood that
life is a sequence of disasters...

...with some mishappenings thrown in for good measure.
Who are you?

Hermit, may I tell you
the reason I'm here?

- Or you'll be telling me?
- Say it yourself.

If you've come to me to discuss
the gender of the angels...

...take this book.

Yes! yes!

... where all of it is explained extensively.

If instead you've come to know...

...if the substance
of the child of God...

...is man made God
or God made man.

Here's another book
where such topic...

I see a contemptuous among you.
Knight!

Why is your attitude
so contemptuous?

Don't you know that contempt is
a capital sin?

- This book can't help you. - Mine
is not contempt. It's blood from my nose.

- I dont' care.
- Father! - Stay put!

Father, I've come here to confess
my great sin.

Only you, fortified by fasting,
can bear its weight.

It's an horrible sin!

Don't stay that close to me!
Leave me alone!

Oh holy man, give me the ear
onto which I can whisper my sin.

> Please!

I beg you!

It's your duty!

Holy man, you must be humble
in front of human sin.

On behalf of your powers
listen to and absolve me.

It's an order!

It's right.

It's right.

Come, my son.

No!

No!

No!

- Look at that tree!
- I've never seen one alike.

Panigotto,
are we already in Africa?

- It bears strange fruits.
- They are hanged men!

Go!

> You're so many.
Do you keep yourself company?

- Why all together? - He said
he was talking with the hangmen!

(We were hanged all together
by priests, by judges....)

(... and by honoured men
from the town uphill.)

They are all alike.

(ln a terrible night they expunged all
sinners from the village)

(Thye tore us from our beds, our childrens and our houses.)

Which sins were you guilty of?

(I was busy studying
the motion of stars... )

(... because i think that the
universe is alive and spinning.)

(They hung me as an heretic
to this dead tree.)

(I loved Rosamanda,
wife of a rich old man... )

(... who left her alone to follow
his businesses abroad.)

(We were condemned
for adultery.)

(We swing close like dead leaves
and the wind at times push us closer.)

(I hate pig meat on friday.
I confess it.)

(The judges hung me like a salami
to this dead bough.)

You, with the big nose,
which sin were you guilty of?

He can't hear you.

Big nose, what's your sin?

(I was a jew.)

(Be merry, your world
won't be intolerant forever.)

(A time will come when there
will be no slaves nor masters...

(... no wars, no injustices.)

(There will be peace everywhere
and we'll be all free and the same.)

(From up here I can see afar and
I say that soon you'll be like us.)

(I see five armed men coming on horses
dressed in green.)

(Their master sports an horned helm
and a bad wine-coloured spot.)

It's King Turon wiht his killers.
They're looking for the child. Let's run away!

I said I'd have judged you
on our first fight.

- Nobody can judge me.
- This is my order.

You run with the child.
I'll let them follow me and I'll kill them.

Go without crying or faltering.

Do not insist to stay with me
to fight.

Go!

Hey, Turone the swine, come and get me!

Catch me!

- Stop or I'll tear you through!
- You'll pay for what you've done!

Brancaleone, unbreakable shield
of the kilder prince...

...won't care about you or Turone!
- Tell us where the child is!

He's not where his uncle wanted him
and where you're going in a while.

Fight!

I'm not afraid of you,
even if I'm upside down.

Take this!

Turone,
come here if you're brave enough!

> Come.

> Come, Turone!
Come and get me!

- Leader!
- We're coming!

Don't move, we're coming.

Hello, my dears! Untie me!

- Good! You killed them all.
- Quick! - Raise the dwarf.

Step up.

- Slow down.
- Did you get there? - I can't.

Stop!

He said we should move because
he's going to take care of it.

- What's going on? - Brancaleone
is upside down. - Such a show I'm missing!

What's going on?
Why so much silence?

Fava beans. Who's eating fava beans?

Nobody.

How thirsty and how hungry!

- Stop! Get down.
- More than this.

Get down.

Where are we?

We're close to the Holy Land Sea.
It tastes like salt and pepper.

The sea wind carries the smell
of African spices.

If it carried bread and oil,
we could make a bruschetta* (*toasted bread)

- Hey, you!
- Who is it?

How many fava beans can
you give to my army?

- How much money can you give me?
- None at all. - That's the fava you'll get.

Hostile surroundings.
You won't have any beans.

- Where do you come from, so tired
and uneven? - From the Holy Land.

My brave ones!

March on, my soldiers!

- Are you there? - Here.
- How dare you?

- Leave it there. These are holy relics.
- We are going to be relics as well if we don't feed.

You just think about the body.

- When will you think about your soul?
- There's time for the soul.

My men!

What are you doing there,
clinging to those holy images?

Mind your own business, old man!

Peace.

The Good Sheperd would like to mind
his own business...

...but to care how men conduct
their own...

...is his role in the world.

- What Good Sheperd are you babbling about?
- Myself.

- You define yourself a good sheperd?
- Yes.

He is the Good Sheperd
of the human flock. He is the Pope.

- Step down!
> Let me down.

Even you, step down!
Ask Pope Clemente for forgiveness!

(together) Forgive us, Pope Clemente.
- Gregorio.

- Ask Pope Gregorio for forgiveness!
(together) Forgive us, Pope Gregorio.

Your Pope says:
"Eat without fear."

Maybe the saint who got those gifts
would be even more glad to accept them...

...if they are used to feed
eight hungry christians.

(together) Thank you, Good Sheperd.
- Don't want to contradict you...

...But why do you say eight if our army counts nine.

Because the two little ones
count as just one.

- Sheperd....
- Good Sheperd.

Good Sheperd, the child is the heir
of king Boemondo Normanno of Sicily.

We are bringing him back to his father
in the Holy Land.

He's the son
of our beloved Boemondo!

Since the road to the sea
is the same...

...you'll come along with us for a while.

Along the road
you'll tell me about the fact.

- But come where? - Let's go
to Saint Colombino Abbey.

You'll be our escort.

March on, my braves!
Follow the Good Sheperd.

Ah! Ah!

Ah!

Let's make it clear: Don't say "ah!"
to me or you'll get down.

- I'm not a horse.
- Sorry. I didn't think about it.

Saint Colombino!
May the sky be your ally!

Who are you?

Who are you? Who are you?

Shut up!

I'm the Pope. I'm here in devotion
of you, Saint Colombino.

The Pope.

Welcome!
Come along. Let me see you!

I am the Pope!

(together) Horray for the True Pope!

> Horray for the True Pope!
(together) Horray for the True Pope!

I'm gonna excommunicate you!

- Who? - You!
- You, the anti-pope!

I'm an anti-pope!

Saint Colombino...

...You shall be the judge!

These are ugly times!

The whistle of hell scared the fear
of god out of the world...

...and brotherhood, too.

My judgement! What can
my judgement be...

...if all equally ugly men
from up above here...

...I observe?

Observe... Observe...

Shut up!

But... stop making a fuss!

There is only one Pope!

Let me be not the judge,
but allow a higher judge in.

The Judgement of God.

Gregorio,
who is your champ?

Here!

I'm Brancaleone from Norcia,
the champ of the Good Sheperd!

Yes, I'm talking to you.

False uncle, false king...

...and even false champ
of a false pope.

- Champ... - If you're brave enough,
arm your dishonoured sword!

- Champ. - I'll tear through your heart
even if it were stone...

...and through the hearts of
those who are loyal to you.

> Champ!
- Yes?

- Weapons won't judge this time.
- No?

No. Are you pure?

- I don't know. Why do you ask?
- Weapons won't judge this time.

But God will.

Gregorio, would you accept?

I accept.

Get the burning coals ready.

If the champ will walk barefooted
and slowly over the coals...

...without feeling pain,
Gregorio will be the true Pope.

But if the champ will feel pain...

...Clemente will be the true pope...

...and Gregorio will be the antipope.

- Amen.
(together) Amen.

What amen!

Sheperd... as a man I'm used
to iron but not to fire

On top of that, I'm impure.

I spend my time in whorehouses, I
laugh about everyone, I love to drink....

...I'm fast with my tongue
and with my sword...

...I run from the truth
and chase sin instead.

(in latin) Ego te absolvo.*
* (I absolve you).

Now you're pure.

Do you accept?

I do.

> Champ.

Here.

Bring it to your Pope.

Slowly.

> Slow!

> Get in!

> He did it!

Sheperd.

> Hooray for our Knight!
(together) Hooray!

Brancaleone!

Brancaleone!

Din don dan! Din don dan!
Answer!

Din don dan!

Din don dan! Din don dan!

Ah! Ouch!

Brancaleone!

I can't swim!

Oh dear God!

Thanks.

Thanks.

Aahh!

Auu! Auu!

Clad in stinky rags!

Horrible on sight,
a bell at his foot!

Who would ever want to
even shake his hand?

Which woman would be brave enough,
as it once was common...

...to shag Brancaleone?
Ouch!

> (with a french accent)
Don't talk like that!

- The moon talked!
- It wasn't the moon.

No? Who are you?

You, again! Cursed be the soul
who came before you in the grave!

I want to throw
a rock on your head!

Oh mother!

You're not a leper!

Don't look at me like that.
I am a princess.

Aahh!

I'm the widow of Gualtiero,
prince of Avignone...

...who died fighting
in the Holy land.

I have to go and get
his mortal remains.

During the trip I lost my serfs and my virtue
to the hand of barbarians from Bergamo.

Left alone and without an escort
I had to face countless outrages...

...from soldiers, merchants, wanderers,
woodcutters, hunters...

...be it in Turin, Bologna, Florence, Naples,
Avellino, Battipaglia...

Did nobody respect
your virtue, my princess?

I was despairing, for the trip
was too long...

...and I thought of dressing like a leper
to keep the men off me.

- Is it a good idea?
- It's good, my princess!

They all ran away disgusted,
all but one.

You're so generous a knight...

...and I'm hopelessly in
love with you.

Really?

If my suffering
brought so much joy...

...I want to drown a thousand times...

...and kiss these horrible,
sweet rags.

I've been faithful to my husband.

I have just shown to you
to ease your desperation.

Forget all about it.
I'll be forgetting as well.

But.. the barbarians from Bergamo
could and I can't?

They took me with violence.

It's the only way I could do it
without sin.

Then I'll shag you!

Accept our leader in heaven.

He deserved it for his loyalty
and for his bravery.

Do it in the name of saints
and angels...

Take him with you in hell,
that's how I loved him.

- In the name of the devils. - Witch!
- Do you want to send him to hell?

- I told you she was a witch!
- Do you want to be killed?

Do you really believe hell to be
such a terrible place?

- Ignorants! It's like heaven.
- Do not argue, my soldiers.

Do not cry. I'm alive and anxious to make it
to our destination.

- He came back from the dead.
- Hooray! - Our leader!

Princess, this is Thorz.
He has six faces, like a dice.

Like a dice
I'm ready to roll again.

The real great news is that
the leper is not lethal...

...since he really is Princess Berta.

She dressed like this to reach the Holy
Land safe and sound...

...there her husband died,
prince of Cornwales.

- Of Avignone!
- Sorry.

(together) Hooray for the princess!
- Thanks.

Let's dance!

There is a ship
Amidst the seas.

There is a ship
Amidst the seas.

All of us stepped aboard
to reach the Holy Land.

When we'll reach the Holy Land...

We'll get rich in
the Holy Land.

My men!
I see that women are scarce here.

- Who wants me?
- I do.

Brancaleone! Come here.

How beautiful
your princess is!

How sweet and how tender...
- Brancaleone!

I'm in love with you and troubled be
who else wishes to have you.

I could be your grandfather.

I want to eat!

I loathe you so much.

Sleep warm, sleep tight.
I loathe you so much.

Turone!

He thought he was the child!

He run away,
damn assassin!

- Why?
- Cippa...

I'm dying, isn't it?

No, it's just a little wound.

He hit unimportant organs.

You are never right.

- Leader of the Holy Sepulchre....
- Yes?

Tell me the truth.
Will I be admitted in Heaven?

Or maybe they won't let me in
because I'm a dwarf?

What? No...

- What are you saying? You...
- What?

You'll go to a special dwarf paradise...

...Where all the dwarves gets taller.

- Really?
- Yes!

All the tall men
becomes dwarves there.

- Really? - Then you could
tell them:

"Step aside, dwarves, I'm coming!"

Step aside...

...dwarves...

...i am coming!

"Jerusalem sits over three hills"

Where are the wanderers?

Why are you here, knight?

KIng Boemondo of Sicily,
here is your son Kilderico...

...that Turone wanted to kill
to get hold of your throne.

We thank you for the land and gold
you'll give us in reward.

- Thank him!
(together) Thanks, Your majesty.

Kilderico, my child!
God, I am grateful.

Turone, anxyous
to get my sceptre...

...you're my younger brother,
but the most ferocious.

Not a storm nor a cyclone
might compare....

...with the trembling heart
of a royal parent...

...when he finds the child
he believed dead.

And the feelings of the kings
rank much higher than our flings.

Blood of my blood,
without further odds...

...I'll give thee the sword
that sent my foes to the Lord.

(together) And so shall it be.

Holy! What do I see?
This is not my child!

Why do you say
he's not your child?

To be known as my own lass,
purple a spot must he sport on his ass.

- A spot?
- How? - Wine-like.

Before you judge, are you
sure it was there?

Both my father and me sport
that same spot in the same spot.

So it was sung by the Bards.
It's the mark of the Guiscards.

And so it seems
that you wanted to cheat me.

Take them!
You can't cheat a paladin!

- Whose child did you give me?
- I don't know anything!

Steady then and kill the lad
along with this one, that and that.

It's my fault. As I bathed him
in the river...

...I saw the spot and
washed it off. - You!

The spot was there! You were going
to send me straight to the gallows!

- Stop it! - She was the one that
took the spot away! Got it?

- No water might delete a spot,
my child. - And I'm a witch. And it might.

I won't give you a bad stare,
I'll just laugh at what you said.

- Sir, she might not look like it,
but she's a witch. - It's true!

If you can show it, you'll
save the whole army.

Do you know your destiny?
Speak, teacher and priest.

- Every witch should burn at the stakes.
(together) Burn!

Now that you know you're going to burn
turn invisible, if you can.

Don't you want to see me?
I'll show you that you won't see me.

Satan, hi and lo.

Mazzicabee Mazzicabou
I disappear out of the blue.

> Do you believe I'm a witch?

Yes, i believe you.
Turn visible, please.

Holy Spirit, Son and Lord,
Kilderico back I've got!

- Glory upon thee!
- Burn the witch! - No!

King Boemondo, allow me
on your same level...

...by spitting contempt out
in a polite prose.

Your child is safe and sound
thanks to an army of crooks around.

Will you give us the gift of a land?
I'm quite sure you don't even understand!

Will you promptly light a fire
to cook the food that we desire?

Instead of all our wishing craze
you just set our dame ablaze.

Lest be said that no king is good hearted!

So much could all this arrogance cost you.

Instead, listen to me: free the witch!

- Shush! - Make so that she leave
the christian camp.

She muts go outside,
in the farthest desert.

Go back, in the name of St. Peter
and St Paul.

Even if we wanted to show gratitude
we'll have nothing left to give.

You stumbled here in a bad moment.

Diarrhea and armed fights
halved my army on sight.

The other half is starving
and nothing can be asked of them.

With no bread and no fresh meat,
there's no strenght for my brave kids.

The saracens instead have bread, wine and cheese.

I wouldn't have guessed
this crusade to be so tormented.

The time is right to call it quits.

Does the Lord so high above
just stares down and plain won't care?

You're not here to have fun.
You're on a holy mission.

You're right.
Is God with us or with the Moors?

Did you leave the whole of that
to your dear colleague Mohammad?

This is a huge worry.
The moment is critical.

Tomorrow we'll assault the bastions
for the last time.

Either Jerusalem will fall...

...or we'll leave in a hush.

Be brave!
Raise the swords and arrows!

With the will of god, attack!

(Together) God will!

God will!

Even the one on top
fight against the enemies?

- It's the power of faith.
- Blessed be the believer!

Get it down!

Raise the spear!

March!

Take out the arieses!

> Beware!
They opened the door.

- They raised the white flag.
- What do you think, Brancaleone?

Our army scared them!

Omar Sheik,
King and Emir of Mosul...

...Jaffa and Famagosta
have a proposal for you.

I'm here.
Where's the emir?

How about stopping this stupid war
right now?

I thought you were angrier.
Are you proposing peace?

Not really.

Instead of two armies horrendously
massacrating back and forth...

...let's do a torunament.
Five of ours against five of yours.

The stronger will prevail.

The winner will decide upon the fate...

>...of the loser.

I'm quite sure I won't refuse.
I accept it!

Just five,
but they must be of noble blood.

We'll see in two hours
Hoorray God! Hoorray Allah!

- I must choose five names.
- All of them noble.

I choose you, Finogamo,
because I'm proud of you.

Coccolino and Fioravanti
both strong and powerful.

I'll name Rampaldo too,
fast, strong and a daredevil.

No one else here can win this game.

A bad luck made so that the elected died.

We are not out of luck.
There's Brancaleone from Norcia!

Yes! Hoorray!
>I didn't think about ti! > One moment.

This is a delicate business.

I guess that Norcia is not a feud.

Finogamo is an expert in haraldics.

Brancaleone, the knight?
I've never heard such a thing.

The "Bracaloni" are in their hundreds
in Norcia.

Even butcher wear pants called "Bracaloni".

> I'm not going to participate if a poor man is between us.

Don't worry. You'll be four.

May the Earth cracks open and swallow me...

...if you don't believe I didn't know it..
Berta, believe me. - Norcino!

Are they just four?
I'll send one of mines away, then.

The situation won't change.
One of mine is worth three of theirs.

Do you know them? Al? Cajaffa.

Elmu Fetj, king of Jaffa.

Denaddin. Bab? Kaemaz.

They are good with spears, swords
and hammers.

And also, even if it looks strange,
your brother Turone.

You stained
our holy insignia.

You partied with Moors!
You're the king of traitors.

They've heard of you even
at Gano di Baganza.

You're a laquey,
a traitor...

...a fake
and a son of a bitch!

With so strong an insult
you called my mother in.

I want you to remember that tonight
the winner will have...

...right of life over the loser.

Who are you?

I thought I knew you,
trembling shadow of myself.

I thought you were noble
and I was wrong.

I thought a dame loved you
and I was wrong.

I thought you were a brave captain...

...and I was wrong.

My name will be
"The wandering Knight"

What knight?
I'm no knight!

Fade away, shadow!
That's what you deserve!

Don't cry.

I asked Satan to avenge you
by letting all the christians die.

You're cursing, little witch!

The devil won't win this crusade!

> Leader! A sword just severed
Coccolino's head!

The Turkish made Rampaldo fall!

If the saracens win, we're
all gonna die.

Worst than that! They'll cut our noses
and then our ears.

Even Fioravanti fell from his horse.
Finogamo still stands, but he's wounded.

- Let's run away!
- Yes! > Where are you fleeing?

Come!

Idiot!

- Brancaleone, don't go!
- Ah!

Brancaleone!

You doubted that...

...I was a true nobleman.

You're a king,
you can make a knight out of anyone.

Make me a knight, cadet,
count, duke or earl...

I will fight and who knows then...

Your proposal is right. It was said that five
was the perfect number.

Brave Brancaleone,
you're now an earl.

Let's praise to the sky,
for you might not fuck it all up.

They are five
and you're alone.

Here's another offer:
You'll marry Berta.

(together) Hoorray Brancaleone!

(together) Hoorray Brancaleone!

Ah!

I can't see you. Are you there?

I'm coming.

I'm here.

(together) Hoorray Brancaleone!

To us.

So finally we've come to the fight
you wished for.

Between a future king
and a false earl.

Your ancestors didn't use weapons
but salami.

To show you that in Norcia, besides
sausages and salami...

...they are keen on good manners too...

...I'll level with you.

> Stop!

> Stop, you stinky!

Stop!

I'll get you!

I will!

I'll have you, you scum!

Not even the devil
will save you!

Stop!

Show to me, you damned!

Come on, show!!

I will get you, carrion!

Dirty, filthy one!

You won't flee!

You'll get to that hell
you hold so dear!

- I'll cut your head.
- Why?

The christians lose theirs
because you hit mine.

Even you "lose your head"
for that filthy bitch.

That's why you hit me.
You're jealous!

I'll call you Jealousille.

Or, I won't call you anymore!

- Your bell has struck.
> - Yours struck too.

- The seventh moon went by.
- Which seventh moon?

It's the time I gave you to
find a glorious death.

It's true. But, aren't you busy
enough in Jerusalem?

- I'm just about done there.
- You mean that all those heads fell?

Minus four. Berta's one was too beautiful
to have it severed from her body.

Omar's grandfather, Malamud, will enjoy it.

That of Thorz, who became
muslim due to his german loyalty.

And Boemondo's,
spared by King Moro.

He said it's not proper
to sever a king's head.

That makes three. And the other?

Sure.

Your head.

Good.

I'm tired. Old Brancaleone did
and saw too many things.

Do you know how old I am?

One hundred.

I'm older than that and yet
I'm always in a rush.

Ok then. Take me.

But you'll have to fight.

This way I'll have you,
with the glory I deserve.

It never happened before.
But if you like so, go ahead.

You had a lifetime.

Nice and smooth.

You crazy one.
Why did you do it?

Because I love you, idiot.

Do you want to kiss me?

Don't call me crazy tonight.

Call me...

...Happy.

> Cra! Cra!

> Cra! Cra!

Cra! Cra!

- Happy!
> Cra! Cra!

Come.

- Happy!
- Cra! Cra!

Subtitled in English by Poenir
During the Hot Days of June, 2009

With Thanks to Godfrey@SurrealMoviez