Braking for Whales (2019) - full transcript

Flight attendants,
please prepare for landing.

Oh, yeah. That's it,
that's it, that's it, baby.

That is it right there.
Okay, right there,

Oh, baby. Look at you.
You're so hot. You're so hot.

Yeah, that's it. That's it.

Ma'am, we're about to land.

It's FAA regulations,

you need to take your seat.

Flight
attendants, prepare for landing.

Ma'am, we really need
you to take your seat.

Open the door.



- What can I say.
- Ma'am.

Hi.

Consider it a gift.

It'll redampen the dustiest

of batcaves
if you get my drift.

Just saying.

What we want to stress,
Mr. Walker,

is the unity of death.

We believe this isn't
the end of your mother's life,

but an opportunity
to bring together

all the elements so greatly
deserved to be celebrated.

As you'll see from our brochure,
we offer a variety

of packages to suit every need,

however turgid
or contoured they may be.



Will your sister
be joining us today?

My sister had an emergency
and missed her earlier flight.

So, in interest of time, this is the
obit my mother wanted.

This she only wanted opened
by the funeral home.

And this is where, uh, well, you know,
this is where she wanted her ashes to go.

She loved whales.

Untraditional, yes.
But we always strive

to satisfy the last wishes
of a loved one.

Oh, uh, that reminds me.

This is the picture
that she wanted for the paper.

It was her, uh,
it was her favorite shot.

Lovely. Oh, it looks like
you have another sister.

That's me.

Very well, then.
We'll, of course, take care of everything.

Rest assured, Mr. Walker,

that we at Forever and a Day

will do everything in our power

to create an environment

as tasteful and befitting

as your loved one deserves.

Knock yourself out.

Did anyone ever tell you
your beak's kinda fucked up?

You really should talk
to your manufacturer.

Who's ever heard
of a sad-faced duck?

- Hello?
- Daddy and I can't come to the phone right now,

so please leave a message
after the beep.

Congratulations.
You've made it to level five.

- All right, my man.
- Lesson three.

- Give me some love.
- And to really understand the root of a problem,

you have to dig down deep
into the actual roots.

R-O-O-T-S. Resignation,

observation, outlook,
tenacity, and spirituality.

Resignation, observation,
outlook,

tenacity, and spirituality.

That's it.
You can do it.

Be the change. Be the change.

Come on, say it with me.
Be the change.

- Be the change.
- Be the change.

- Be the change.
- Be the change.

- Be the change.
- Again, with more tenacity.

Be the change.

- Be the change.
- Be the change.

Brandon, be the change.
Don't just want it. You gotta be it.

- Be the change.
- Ooh. Yeah, I got this.

Get off my ass, man.

Be the change!

You need to be the change,

all right? Be the change.

You know what she's gonna do.

You know the bullshit
she's gonna throw your way.

Just handle it. Stay calm.
Do not engage,

all right? Do not engage.

Just... be the change.

Be the change. Just be the change.
You gotta be the change.

Be the change.

Holy fuck! Fucking hell, man.

Careful
with the curse words, Brandon.

- I'm always watching.
- Get off!

- You're late.
- Actually, Star, you're late.

- A Prius, Brandon? Really?
- Don't touch...

Really? I mean, aren't you supposed
to be all de-gay-ified and shit?

I mean, what, was the Oscar Meyer
Wiener Mobile not available?

A, it's called a process,
and B, fuck you.

- Hey.
- Hey.

How you holding up?

Shitty. You?

Shitty.

Well, if there's one thing
I've learned in this family,

it's misery loves company.

Seatbelt.

Thank you. By the way, did you enjoy the
George W book I sent you for your birthday?

Yeah.
Yep, uh, you could say that.

- Okay. Home sweet home.
- Yep.

I got this.

Well, your room,

your room is pretty much,
well, just like you left it.

I, uh, thought
I'd make us some dinner.

The 'hood.
Does it smell different?

No. That's the smell
of stagnation. This is Iowa.

Nothing ever changes.

Oh, you, uh, you remember
Mom's little, uh, obsession?

- Yeah.
- Brace yourself.

She discovered EBay.

- Holy batshit.
- Yeah.

Brandon, what are we gonna
do with all this stuff?

I don't know. We have an appointment
with Ira in the morning, so...

- Ira? Is he still around?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.

I thought he would've joined a commune
with the Vienna Boys Choir or something.

Nope. He's actually
taking this pretty hard.

So, we can't be late.

It feels strange, doesn't it?

- I am gonna go get changed.
- Okay.

I'll, uh, I'll get dinner.

All right.
Veggie burgers here we go.

Dinner's ready.

Coming.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Oh, this looks great, Brandon.
- Thanks.

- It's, uh, Mom's recipe. I found her old book.
- Hmm.

It's the veggie burger.
Can we, uh, just,

can we
say grace before we eat?

You think I'll burst
into flames or something?

Please? For mom?

Thank you.

Dear Heavenly Father, please bless this
meal which we are about to receive.

Please continue to give us
strength and guidance.

Please watch over the soul
of our dearly departed mother.

- Amen.
- A-woman.

- Do you always have to be so irreverent?
- Do you always have to have

- a stick so firmly shoved up your rectum?
- Okay. So...

- enough with the gay stuff.
- I'm just trying to add a little levity, Brandon.

It's not like anyone
died or anything.

Tough crowd.

- So how's it all going?
- What?

The cult thing?

- You mean the program?
- The cult, program, whatever.

The thing where you all
shave your head,

sit in a circle and sing
Kumbaya while you're trying

to exorcise
the Lady Gaga out of you.

Not that you deserve to know,

- but it's good actually. Thank you.
- Good.

Things are going good. I've made
a lot of distinct strides.

A lot of big changes.

I've had to step away
recently 'cause of the...

because of the cost, but, uh,
I made it level five.

- Level five?
- Mm-hmm.

Level five.
It's a crucial level.

That's the level where you
finally become at peace

with who you are.

Gay.

No, Star.

Like I've said, no one's really
gay anymore, okay?

Society is confused. We're getting
things thrown at us from all angles.

- Social media, technology. We're all confused.
- Mm-hmm.

And I was just...

I was just
a little lost, okay?

- And now?
- Now, uh...

well, I gotta complete
level five still, so...

- How about you?
- Oh, I'm good. Yeah.

I'm, um, thinking of moving
again, probably overseas.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- What about Chelsea?
- Well,

her dad and I
aren't really seeing

eye-to-eye on visitation
rights right now.

I have no money
for a lawyer and, uh,

he says that, um, she doesn't
even wanna see me, so...

Sorry to hear that.

Sorry to hear
you're stuck on level five.

Yeah, me too.

You know what
we need, Brandon?

- What?
- One word.

What?

- You know.
- I don't. Where are you going?

One second.

Vinyl. Ain't nothing
like it, baby. And...

- um, where'd she put it. Ah!
- Oh, no.

Mom's famous hooch squeezed

between every one
of her bipolar little toes.

- No. I really shouldn't, okay?
- Au contraire, Brandon.

You most definitely should.

Life is short. Just ask Mom.
She's dead.

Yes. Thank you.
That's plenty.

- You want a little more?
- No, that's enough.

- Do you remember the smell?
- Yes, it's awful.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, baby. Come to Mama.

- It smells like gasoline.
- Ah!

- To Mom.
- To Mom.

Mm.

Really? I don't even...
the horse, right?

Cheers.
What are you doing?

Don't look at me.
You're scaring me. Okay. Okay.

♪ Now if you feel
That you can't go on ♪

- What is this? You shopping?
- Shopping.

Yeah!

- Do this.
- Is that the Running Man?

Reach out.

Too soon, too soon.

♪ Darling, reach out ♪

♪ Come on, girl
Reach out for me ♪

♪ Reach out
Reach out for me ♪

- Wait, do it.
- ♪ I'll be there... ♪

- ♪ With a love that... ♪
- The fish.

- ♪ We'll be there ♪
- Backwards fish.

- Like this.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

One!

One, two, three, four!
Go! Ah! No! Whoo!

- ♪ Can you see the rope? ♪
- The rope!

♪ Darling, reach out
Come on, girl ♪

♪ Reach out
Reach out for me! ♪

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

♪ I'll be there ♪

♪ To love and comfort you ♪

♪ And I'll be there ♪

♪ To cherish and care for you ♪

Oh, oh, oh.

- Oh, my God.
- That was fun.

I can't believe she's gone.

Same.

You know? Same.

You know what she said to me
before she died?

What'd she say?

She said, "Look at this thing
destroying me

from the inside out, Star.
You two have a lot in common."

- That's what she said.
- Star, she was joking.

- She was joking.
- Yeah. That was Mom,

- always joking.
- Ah. That was fun.

You know, any good shrink
will tell you

that Mom had cock issues.

- Ex-excuse me?
- Yeah.

Think about it. She couldn't hold a
healthy relationship down with a guy,

so she surrounded herself with
these big blubbery flashy cocks.

- Okay, you're deranged.
- Don't you think some of these even affected you, right?

I mean, you literally grew up in
a house with all of these things

looking at you no matter where
you went. I mean, no wonder

you loathe
what you can't do without.

- Look at all these whales.
- Why are we back here again?

For the last time,
I'm not gonna say it again.

- I am not gay.
- Yeah.

And bats
don't shit in the dark.

Come on, Brandon, I'm just
telling it like it is.

Oh. Okay.
If we're telling it like it is,

how about telling me why your daughter
wants nothing to do with you, huh?

- What?
- You heard me.

I mean, can you blame her?

Between the ever-revolving
door of boyfriends

and the constant need to move
every few months, I mean,

you've done a pretty bang up job of putting
a solid wall between the two of you.

- A wall? If that isn't the pot calling the kettle black.
- A fucking wall.

What's the petal and the black?
What does that even mean?

If you're talking
about a wall, Brandon,

you are the most prolific
builder of them all.

You're a gay republican!
A fucking gay republican.

I mean, that's a fucking
oxymoron if ever there was one.

- I mean, come on!
- For the last time,

- I'm not gay!
- Yeah. Tell that to all the yogurt slingers

you've had an up close and personal
with since you hit adolescence.

- I'm just telling it like it is.
- That's fucking it. That's it.

- What are you doing?
- That's it, get up.

- Why are you walking in circles?
- Come on.

- We're do this right here.
- Are you challenging me?

That's it. Come on,
I'm not joking. Get up, come on.

Are you challenging me?
What are you doing?

Stretches. No Tai Chi now.
It's not the same as before.

You remember what happened
the last time we did this?

Yeah. I was a little fucking boy
then. Now I'm grown.

- Remember, right?
- Yeah, I remember.

- Look at me now. I'm grown.
- Grown no,

I don't think you know
the true nature of a scrapper.

- Yeah. 'Cause if you did...
- Just stay away.

Yeah. I think if you did,
you would lay down

and save us both the trouble.

- Get off!
- Oh, my God.

- Ow! Ow, ow, ow!
- Get off my tit, would you?

- Ah!
- You're just jealous 'cause Mom loved me more.

No. You're just jealous
because I have a vagina!

Ah! Ow!

For the last time,
Star, I'm not gay!

I'm so sorry for your loss.

You don't know how much
your mother meant to me.

Oh. Well, I guess
we should just jump right in.

Now, before I read anything,

I want to say
that your mother

was a very special
and unique woman.

Stop it.

"I, Clair Samantha Walker,

of sound mind and body..."

As soon as I'm done here,
I'm gone.

I'll be first in line
to help pack.

"Do hereby bequeath,

all my personal effects,

savings
and tangible property..."

- You're such a tool.
- You're such a bitch.

"...equally
to both my children,

Star Elizabeth Walker and Brandon
Tyler Walker, respectively."

- See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.
- Don't let the door hit you in your ass, okay?

Stop it!

I should let you know,

there's a catch.

In order for the property to be
divided equally between both parties,

your mother
has requested the following.

"My dearest poochies,

while I don't have much
to offer in way of my legacy,

I do have the house,
my whale collection..." Oh!

"...and the Winnebago."
The Sin-a-bago.

"And a small pittance
of savings in the bank.

It is my wish you will do
what you will with it,

with my blessings, to hopefully make
your situation that much better.

Lord knows you each need help
in a myriad of ways.

My only contingency, is that
you take my ashes, and...

intern them in the body
of a whale."

What the fuck?

- What do you mean?
- "It's my final wish

that the remnants
of this vessel that failed me,

will become one with our mammal
brethren of the deep.

If you complete this request,
what's mine, is yours.

If not, deal's off
and you get squat.

ASPCA gets everything else.

It's pretty simple. Rules are,
no flying and you must go together.

Oh, and you have 48 hours
to do it. Good luck. And...

- try not to kill each other."
- Mr. Rhodes,

my mom was pretty eccentric.
I don't think she would have...

Signed and notarized.
These were, in fact, her final wishes.

"In the body of a whale"?
What are we supposed to do,

piss off God
and be swallowed by one?

Well, she also left you this.

Mr. Rhodes, hi.
Um, as much as I appreciate

Mom's final desire
to be whale food,

my brother and I
need this inheritance

- for various personal issues, okay?
- Yeah.

You know, your mother was
really something special to me.

- What do you mean?
- Me and a bunch of other local

free spirits, she would run
around on various solstices,

you know,
howling at the moon

and whatnot, naked running
around a campfire.

Boy, that was something to see.

I'll never forget the first time I saw your
mother's bosoms naked for the first time,

- glistening in the moonlight.
- What the fuck is he talking about?

Two nipples erect
like two silver bullets

pointing to the heavens.
That woman could make

a man Wendingo at a moments
notice, just ah ah.

Just fully cocked and erect
and ready to take her

like the wild wood nymph
she was.

Uh...

- All right.
- Look, what you do

with your mother's assets
is your own business.

My only horse in this race,

is to be sure that you fulfill
the obligations

that your mother's requested.

That's the least
I could do for her.

So I'm here to tell you what.

This will be done
or no dice.

You got me?

You got me? Good.

Good. Well, I will need
periodic photographic updates

to keep me abreast of your
progress, and, of course,

I'll need proof that
the ashes have reached their...

intended destination.

All right.
Well, your time starts now.

Good luck, and I look forward
to hearing from you,

and I hope
you can have a nice day,

poochies.

We'll grab some things from the house, go to the
funeral home, snag the ashes and get going.

You're not actually thinking
of doing this, are you?

Do we have a choice?
You heard him.

These were her final wishes.
We have to honor that.

Final wishes, Brandon? Mom also
wished you were the daughter

she never had, okay?
You were this close to being one

of those kid gender reassignment horror
stories you hear about on the news.

Honestly, the idea of spending
two days with you in a car

makes me wanna Oedipal my own
eyeballs. But let me be frank,

I need
to get to level five,

and I'm broke. Okay?
I really need this money,

and so do you.

Please, Star.

- Who's Frank?
- What?

You said you wanted
to be Frank. Who's Frank?

- I don't understand.
- It's a joke, Brandon.

Jesus, this is it's gonna be
a long two days.

Could you please refrain from
using the Lord's name in vain.

Oh, my God.
A very long two days.

Seatbelt. By the way,
we can't take the Prius.

- What? Why?
- My lease is almost up,

and I can't afford
to put the miles on it.

- So what are we driving?
- Nostalgia.

At least if we run out of dough,
we can always sleep in here.

Yeah, not really.

Mom had the whole thing
cleared out. Look.

Beds and all.

- Do what?
- Yeah. She used it to deliver animals

for the ASPCA, so that's why
the, uh, cages.

- What's with all the spray paint?
- What? Oh.

The spray paint, uh,
that was her little protest anarchy group.

Her protest anarchy
what, Brandon?

The whole, you know,
save the animals thing.

If anyone in town did anything
to hurt an animal, then

in came Mom and her merry gang
of tricksters,

- and busted out the spray paint.
- Good to know Mom was a tagger.

- Yeah.
- How much confidence do you have that this bucket

- will actually make it?
- This old girl?

I'm cautiously
optimistic actually.

We're so getting stranded

and gang raped by a clan
of rabid hillbillies

somewhere in the Ozarks.

Socially sensitive as always.

- Nice.
- Again, it's a joke, Brandon.

- It's not a joke.
- My God.

It's like your funny bone
disappeared right around adolescence.

- About the time you started getting your period.
- That's not how it is, okay?

We just have a slight
difference of opinion

as to what funny is, okay?

Rape is not funny.

Rape by itself, Brandon,
isn't funny. Okay?

Rape brought on
by an absurd road trip

to bury your mother's ashes
in the body of a whale

with your brother who hates you
and your shitkicker RV stalls

in the middle of nowhere, where
some toothless roaming gang

of Manson-family rejects
has their way with you,

now that is funny.

- I don't hate you, Star.
- What?

I don't hate you. I just...

I don't understand
you sometimes.

Well, I don't exactly
have you nailed down either.

- No.
- My guess is one of us is adopted.

Yeah.

Oh, my God. Muffler Man.

- What?
- Muffler Man. Over there. Over there.

Turn, turn, turn.
It's the Muffler Man!

- Over there! Just turn!
- All right.

- It's not that hard. You just gotta turn.
- Okay, okay.

- Do you want me to help you turn the wheel?
- Get off the wheel.

- Star.
- It's so easy. Just go like this.

- All right. Quickly, okay?
- Yeah. Just so quick.

Nothing bad's gonna happen.
Give me the keys.

Whoo!

- What are we doing here?
- Evidence. Come on.

- Star.
- Come on. Look!

Who said there's no culture
in middle America, huh?

- We really need to get back on the road.
- Look at that.

- Look at that.
- What is that?

- Come over here.
- Why?

Stop right there.

Don't move.

Okay. Say cheese.

Come on, Brandon,
don't be a party pooper.

This the family road trip
you always wanted. Just move.

Just that way, just a little
to the left. That way.

Okay, stop, stop, stop.

- And catch!
- What the heck is that?

One thing I can count on, Bran Bran,
your utter lack of athleticism.

What are you doing?
What was that for?

Having a great time, Mr. Rhodes.

Wish you were here,
especially Brandon.

- Wait.
- X-O, X-O.

- What? You're not sending...
- Sent.

- Yeah. Let's go get a Slurpee.
- I don't wanna get a...

Do you ever wonder
what it's all really about?

Seriously? Did someone slip a cliché
pill in your drink this morning, huh?

Don't tell me you're actually having
a pang of meaning and purpose?

Yep. And it's sitting in my colon right
next to my heat lamp bean burrito.

That's disgusting.

Seriously,
what's your take?

Well, I mean,
if you really wanna know,

I'm not sure. I'm not sure.
It's... it's... it's confusing.

There's... there's lots...
lots going on, you know?

That's your answer?

Your agnostic sister
just opened Pandora's Biblebox

to talk about Jesus, life,
and all that BS, and your answer

- is "I'm not exactly sure"?
- Well, I'm not.

Jesus, delusional much,
Brandon?

- Can you stop using his name...
- FYI, when I say his name,

it's not because I'm cursing
him. It's because I see him

sitting there on your shoulder,
like this little miniature

- white-robed Jesus cockatoo.
- What?

And you should feel
so cool, Brandon.

You're like the Beretta
of born-again Christians.

Beretta? Isn't that a gun?

- How long till our next stop?
- Not soon enough, okay?

So just let me drive.

- Look at that church.
- No one wants to go to church.

- Just saying, nice church.
- It's Tuesday.

It's a nice church.

Do you go to church
every Sunday?

- Yeah.
- Every Sunday?

When was the last time
you went to church, Star?

- I would burn when I walked in.
- Just leave it, all right?

I don't want to talk to you
about this anymore.

- Look!
- Yeah.

- Oh, my God.
- So what? It's not that cool.

- Do you smell that?
- Did you fart?

I'm not five anymore.

- Was that you?
- That's a skunk.

- No, I think that's you.
- It's a skunk, Star.

- Whoever smelt it dealt it.
- It's a skunk.

Look at that shit that's burning
in the distance. Do you see that?

Look. I bet it's not good
for the ozone layer.

Do you even fart or does it go
back up inside you?

All right. Shut up.

Do you tan your legs?

Do you just decide
never to go out?

I'm trying to even it out.

- Stop looking at my shorts.
- They're so up high.

I'm not talking
about your boobs or anything.

They shouldn't be
like so up there.

Just leave me alone.

- What...
- ...in the right places.

- Great landing, Brandon.
- Thank you, Star.

- You know how to drive this.
- Thank you, Star.

- Do you think we should, uh...
- Leave Mom?

I don't think
she's going anywhere.

This doesn't look
like a Motel 6.

Because it's not.
It's Aunt Jackie's place.

- Are you fucking kidding me?
- Don't start, okay?

Mom hadn't talked to Aunt Jackie
in years, Brandon.

I'd venture to say
there's a good reason for that.

I know, but money is tight,
all right?

And she's expecting us.
She wants us here.

Just be cool.
Keep your opinions to yourself.

You can always stay in the van
if you don't wanna.

I just figured that she
and Herr Randal would have moved

down to Argentina
where Mossad couldn't find them.

They're not Nazis, Star.

They're social conservatives,
okay?

Who aren't afraid to wear their
feelings on their sleeves...

It's too bad those sleeves are attached to
flowing white robes and matching face-hoods.

Listen, this would've been really important
to Mom, okay? So it's important to me.

Please be nice. Here you go.

All right.

Smile.

- Oh...
- Hello.

Uh-oh, Jackie.
Lock down the neighborhood.

They're letting Yankee Pinko's
in left and right!

Randal, stop it.
Don't pay attention to him.

Come and love
your Aunt Jackie's neck!

- All right.
- Come here.

I was a little bit worried

it was those damn heathen
Jehovah's Witnesses again.

- Hey.
- All right.

Come on, Randal.
You know Jehovah Witnesses

are just like Christians.
They're just a little more eccentric.

They're a cult.
Them and the Mormons.

In my book, anybody that dresses
alike, definitely a cult.

Have you looked in the mirror lately?

Star, Brandon,

this is your cousin,
Little Pepe.

- Our cousin.
- Little Pepe.

And the operative phrase tonight,
you gotta be fucking kidding me.

Well, we've already eaten,

but you're welcome
to join us for dessert.

We waited.

We made enough for five.

Welcome to our home, huh?

- Okay.
- Welcome to our home. Actually,

bienvenido a la casa
de Hillhouse.

We're learning Spanish
for little Pepe here.

Uh, Randal, why don't you
take their bags upstairs,

and we will go into the
dining room for dessert. Okay?

That's right. Okay. Pepe,

me algunos platos
de la cocina, ahora.

Andale!

Please come in.
Mi casa es su casa.

Wow. It's, uh,
it's... it's a beautiful home.

Thank you. Thank you.

Well, you have got
your mama's eyelashes.

- Look at how long they are.
- Oh, dear God.

I was hoping
you would notice this.

I've been collecting
for years.

You know, he was in St. Joe once.
Came to christen a Walmart

and Channel 6 news,
the Channel 6 news,

came here to do a story
on my collection.

I just want you
to both to know that God...

God definitely has
a very twisted sense of humor.

- I don't understand.
- Uh, Star, she just finished his autobiography.

That I did, Brandon.

Well, what did you think?
I mean, didn't you find it insightful?

I definitely had
quite the experience with it.

That's wonderful.
That's wonderful.

Let's sit.

Let's have some torta.

As foster parents,
we really feel

it's very important
to integrate Pepe's

native culture
in to his daily life.

For instance,
learning the language

My favorite
is Taco Thursdays.

Pepe, you can go fetch
the cake now, okay?

La torta, Pepe. Ahora.

You are gonna love this cake.

We got it
at a bakery downtown.

Run by an oriental family.

- I think you mean Asian family.
- No, they're not Asian.

- I think they might be Chinese.
- I think they might be Japanese

or, uh, Taiwanese, Vietnamese.

Somewhere in the rice belt
where I don't want to go.

I don't know. I mean, it doesn't really
matter. They all look the same, so...

- Randal.
- What?

Look, you gotta be honest
with yourself.

They might look at us
and think we all look the same.

- Did you ever think about that?
- They all have their own distinct cultures,

histories, languages, arts.

I mean, what you're saying, Uncle
Randal, is, uh, well, it's kinda racist.

You know what?

The boy is right.

Let me tell you a true story.
When I came back to Missouri

from Iraq 1,
the first place I went

was the Bamboo Hut. It's right
there off U.S. Highway 50.

And I ordered the specialty
of the house, cashew chicken.

And then it hit me.

Well, this is
what it's all about.

All of it.
This is what we're fighting for.

I mean, all of the military
and the fighting and the maiming

and the killing,
cashew chicken.

Because what is cashew chicken?

It's breaded chicken
in some oyster sauce,

and you sprinkle
some cashews on it. Voila.

What do you have?
Exotic foreign dish.

Now, you take
the same breaded chicken,

and you serve it
with some Heinz 57 ketchup,

boom, what do you got?
Chicken nuggets.

Right? It's all the same. It all might
look a little bit different, right?

But on the inside,
it's all the same.

That is beautiful.

Thank you, Jackie.

Of course, I like to think that
the best part of the chicken

is the white meat.

- Ahh!
- Oh! There it is.

Look at that.
Oriental chocolate cake.

Pepe, visto, no oído.

She just told him to sit down.

And to be quiet.

See?

All right. Pass your plate, son.

Um, so, what are the plans?

Gonna be a funeral?

Mom... she didn't want
a funeral.

What? No funeral? I mean,
is a preacher at least gonna bury her?

Mom didn't really care
for preachers either.

Houston,
we have a problem.

She just lived her life
in a certain way and felt that

her death should be consistent
with that, that's all.

I am not one to gossip,
but I have to say this

because it's on my heart.
I feel you two are doomed

- to go down the same path.
- We have ignition.

- What path are you referring to exactly?
- Well, damnation.

Damnation. And I don't
just mean spiritually.

I mean life in general.
I've known

you two had challenges
even as children.

Challenges?

Go for it. I'm just sitting here
eating my cake being cool.

With all due respect,
Aunt Jackie,

you don't even know Star and I.

We haven't seen you
since we were kids.

And if I'm not mistaken,
Mom left the house at what, 17?

And she only got a hold of you a
handful of times over the years.

- So, I don't believe...
- Yeah. That was really my choice

because I did not need
to keep a relationship

with a sister who couldn't
keep her legs closed.

- Whoa, what?
- We have liftoff.

- What is that supposed to mean?
- I think she just straight up

- called Mom a slut.
- Okay.

All right. Jackie, just...

No. Let me talk. They're adults.

Your mother was selfish
through and through,

and her inability to give you
any guidance whatsoever

is the reason that you are the way you are.

Aunt Jackie, can I ask a question,
and you can tell me the truth.

Um, was Uncle Randal not giving you
the hard and heavy like you like it?

- Why...
- Excuse me?

Because I'm sensing
someone had a shag

with the gardener and was
just too afraid to admit it.

- Star...
- All right. Now, we're not gonna have that talk.

Come on. Pepe's not
from a foster program, right?

I mean, you banged your way
to free child labor. I mean,

- come on.
- Okay. I understand your need to inject

levity
into an uncomfortable situation.

Right. Like Pablo the pool man injected
his spicy bean burrito into you.

- I mean, I'm just saying like it is.
- Star!

Okay. That... that's it.
Pepe, come on.

Okay. No. Bedtime.
Come on, sweetie.

You're not funny.

- No, you're not.
- Okay.

Buenos noches, señorita.

Buenos noches, Pepe.

That's polite.

You're not.
And I'm not a racist.

I've got a brown boy
living in my house.

Apparently you've mistaken
my active disciplined

and present role in my child's
life as something it's not.

But then again, I guess
you wouldn't know what

a present role is,
would you, Star?

- Meaning?
- How is your daughter?

I haven't heard
you mention her at all.

- I didn't say anything.
- No, you don't have to.

You don't exactly scream
Mother of the Year Award.

Yeah. We're done with cake time.

There's extra blankets
on the guest bed.

I'd like it if you were out
of here by breakfast.

You might want to pull back
on throwing stones, Star.

You're not gonna be able to see
your own house with all the cracks.

That went well, huh?

You just couldn't go
with it could you?

- Go with what, Brandon?
- You know how Jackie and Randal are.

It's like you can sense their aggravation
and you just went for the jugular.

She deserved it. You heard
what she said about Mom.

Oh. I feel like
I'm being slowly gassed

by this low-hanging
cloud of hypocrisy.

Wow, are we poetic at 2:00 a.m.

You didn't even like Mom.

I think the case could even be
made that you hated her.

She said one thing and you
just jumped all over Jackie.

You think I hated Mom?

Well, yeah, didn't you?

Love, like, hate,

grow up, Brandon.

They're all versions
of the same thing.

Right. Yeah.

Grow up. Me grow up.

No. No. There's no way.

No. No, there's no way.
No way. No how. I mean...

I mean, I'm stressed and it's
in the middle of the night

and I can't sleep
and no one's coming.

Well, except me, obviously.

Fuck it.

Okay.

Star, you've officially
gone past sick and twisted,

but you're rounding the corner

to full on perverse.

Okay. Okay, Georgie.

Oh, come on. Georgie!

Sexy Cowboy!

Oh, Georgie!

What in the holy hell?

I... thought... I thought you were an intruder.

Unreal, Star.

You are a sick girl.

Why would you bring that kind
of behavior into our home?

You're defiled
my George Bush corner.

Well, it definitely gives your Channel 6
news story a run for its money, doesn't it?

I want you out! Out!

Pepe!

You want some?

What do you think
is in these things?

Oh, the good ol' not talking
to Star game.

Mature.

Lips and assholes.

Excuse me?

Lips and assholes.
That's what's in them.

How fitting.

What do you mean
how fitting?

It's a "Planes, Trains,
and Automobiles" quote, okay?

And here we are on a road trip.
You see? Fitting.

Ah, right genre.
John Hughes.

Wrong movie.
"Great Outdoors," Ebert.

You know, John Wayne

said that you can never trust
a guy who doesn't drink

or get his John Hughes
references correct.

That's a fact.

So, there's something
I have to tell you.

- What?
- Well, it's not that easy to say,

- so I just have to blurt it out.
- Oh, this ought to be good.

I masturbate to George Bush.

Yeah. Yeah, I know. I was there.
Front row, remember?

No. I don't think you understand.
It's not the first time.

- You've done this before?
- Yeah.

- Just Junior Bush or Senior too?
- Brandon!

- What?
- I'm sick, but I'm not that sick.

Although... no W, he's the one.

There you have it.
That is what I do.

You've pulled a lot of shit
over the years, Star, but this

- this is fucked.
- I evidently have sexual compulsion disorder.

- Oh.
- I'm getting much better. I now have the tools

to reflect any expressionary
relief back on myself.

- Back on yourself.
- Yeah.

- By masturbating.
- Yeah. A lot.

- Right.
- Yeah, a whole lot.

Gotcha. Okay.

Thank you for that.
That's great.

- What about you?
- What about me?

When was the last time you,
you know?

When was the last time I what?

- What is that?
- Oh, my God, it's like

pulling teeth with you.
When's the last time you...

you know,

- polished the bishop?
- I'm not talking about this

- with you.
- What? Days? Weeks? Months? What?

Not... not talking about
this with you.

What? If you can't talk
to your sister, Brandon,

- who can you tell?
- Anyone but my sister.

Oh, my God.

- Two.
- Two weeks?

God. That's why
you're so pent up.

Two months? You haven't
gotten off in two months?

Two months? I would die.

No, Star.

Oh, my God. Brandon.

What?

Two years. So what?
Two years. It's no big deal.

Not a big deal?

- I mean, is everything in working order down there?
- Yes.

Everything is in working order
down here, thank you very much.

We're just not all
jackrabbits like you.

But two years, Brandon?
I hate to tell you,

but that's not normal for a guy.
That is not normal for a gay guy.

Okay? I'm surprised you haven't gone into
Starbucks and gone completely postal.

Maybe some people in this car have a little
bit more self worth than others, huh?

- You ever thought about that?
- For someone who doesn't like a dick,

see a dick, or want to play with a dick,
you've certainly got being one down pat.

Yeah. Well, for someone who sees
them all the time apparently,

you sure talk about them
a lot, you know that?

I already admitted I have
issues. What is your excuse?

Excuse? Sometimes the solution
of a problem

is not obsessing
every second of the day

on the obsession, okay?
You're not an animal, Star.

Be evolved. Try it.
It's the latest rage.

I liked you better when you
weren't judging my life.

I liked you better when you
weren't prying into mine.

- Fine!
- Fine!

Oh, my God, Brandon!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. They're dead!

I was distracted
by your bullshit.

Why are you talking to me
about George... what are you...

- Look how sad they look! What do we do?
- Put them down!

You're touching them?
They've got rabies.

Oh, my...

oh, my God.

I can't believe this.

Oh, I can't. Oh, God.

What do you want
to do with them?

We can't leave them here.
You murdered their mother.

Why was she crossing with her whole family?
That's so irresponsible.

Don't they have instincts
for this kind of stuff?

There she was
minding her own business,

taking her little otter family
to her little otter home

on their little otter river,
when bam!

- Instant otter orphans.
- Yeah, alright. Okay, I get it.

It breaks my heart too, but all right,
we gotta go. We don't have time for this.

No! Some hawk will probably pick them
off like little popcorn shrimp. No.

Just...
what do you want to do?

No. No.

No!

- I don't think this is sanitary.
- What?

Them!
They're diseased probably.

- What do you mean "diseased"?
- Diseased, like...

- bird flu.
- They're otters, Brandon.

Not chickens.
How can otters have bird flu?

- This is kinda funny.
- What's kinda funny?

You being on hell-bent
on save the otters.

- It's called humanity.
- No. That's not the reason it's funny.

It's funny 'cause this is
precisely what Mom would do.

This is like Mom down to a T.
She would absolutely do

exactly the same thing,
and here you are...

I guess the apple doesn't
fall off far from the tree after all.

Yeah, what do I know?

Just a stupid observation.

Is that what I think it is?

- We have to go there.
- Look at the time, okay?

- We really want to keep going.
- Brandon, just live a little!

For God's sake, crack the windows
for the babies and let's go.

Plus it's picture time
again.

Great.

Star, really?
Can we just snap a picture

and get back on the road?
Plus, we can't leave your...

- rodents for too long.
- A, they're not rodents.

Rodents aren't cute.
Anything that's cute

instantly disqualifies itself
as a rodent.

Hence why the jury
is still out on you.

And B, you gotta give me
five minutes to ride

the tilt-a-whirl, 'cause
little known fact, it's a law

when you come to the fair you
have to ride the tilt-a-whirl.

Oh, and you also have to get
fingered in the spooky house,

but I'll you off the hook
on that one.

Your levels
of inappropriateness,

they never cease to amaze me.

That's why you love me.
That's why you love me...

- Oh, God.
- ...so much.

I can't say God,
I'm religious.

Can you hurry up?
It's like you're literally

- dragging me backwards.
- Stop marching around.

I feel like
your legs are so small.

You've got such good muscle
tone in your legs

that I feel
like you would walk faster.

Just stop dragging me.

- I'm not your child.
- Just stride.

Try to use your leg force

- and propel you forward.
- I like my walk, leave me alone.

- Hey. Just stand right there.
- What? Why?

- Just do it, okay?
- What do you want me to do?

- Shrug like this.
- Why? I'm not...

Just do it!
Be a good sport, please?

Just shrug, and look over
and go "cheese!"

- Why?
- Just do it!

- Just go "cheese!" Go.
- Then we're going, okay?

Be a good sport, Brandon!

- Cheese!
- And, sent.

- Wait. No. Did you not...
- Who wants a corndog? I'm buying.

- Let me see that.
- Just come on!

I don't want
a corndog.

Ah.

Hey! Hey there, little guy.

Excuse me,
is this your child?

- No?
- Okay. Thank you.

- Helpful
- Are you lost?

Where's your momma, huh?
You don't know?

- What do you think?
- I don't know. I mean,

this isn't like the otters. We can just
stick him in a cage and put him in the RV.

It's gotta be against
some law somewhere.

We can't just leave him,
Brandon.

I know. I was joking, all right.

You're right. Let me just, uh,

I'll go find an office. Maybe they
can make an announcement or something.

Will you stay here in case
the parents come back,

- Star?
- Yeah.

Okay.

You want to get some corndogs
with me? Yeah?

Okay. Why don't you come
with me. Let's go.

This is gonna
be fun in here.

Ahh!
Look at all those games!

Do you see those?
And all the lights? Yeah?

Okay. There's a corndog stand
over there,

I'm gonna get you a few corndogs
and then I'll come back. Okay?

Sit over here and
I'll back in two seconds.

High five. Yay.

Hey, what can I do you for?

Can I get three corndogs,
please?

You don't look familiar.
Are you from around here?

Does it look like I am?

I could show you around.

I'm good, thanks.
How much do I owe you?

Well, they could
be on the house.

As enticing as it is

to trade sexual favors
for processed meats

and fried cornmeal on a stick,

I think I'll pass.
I have to get back to...

Uh... Excuse me, have you seen
a little boy here?

- No.
- Shit.

Shit.

Double shit. Excuse me.
Have you seen a little boy?

He's about four years old.
Triple shit.

Okay, Star? Good news.
I found the office.

They have a lost and found.
They said just bring him... where is he?

- I lost him.
- Are you joking?

Where? I turned my back
for a split second and...

- and he's gone.
- Damn it, Star.

This is exactly
what I'm talking about.

- This is what you always do.
- What do I always do?

What do you always do.
You fuck everything up.

Wait, what what are you...

Star.

Star! Oh, God dammit.

- Hey. What you doing?
- Nothing.

The parents
found the kid by the way.

Someone took him back to the office,
and they were waiting for him, so...

- Thank God.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Are you mad?

No.

You?

No. I'm, uh...

I'm sorry.

You must think
I'm an awful person.

- What?
- Come on, Brandon.

You don't have to dance around it.
I mean, what kind of mother...

basically abandons her daughter?

I mean,
who does that, right?

- Star, there's...
- I just need to hear it from you, Brandon.

I need you to tell me

what an awful person I am
and how screwed up I am.

I need you to tell me that,
please.

I'm not judging you, Star.

I just think
that there's more to you.

You could be so much more.

- You could be...
- Be what, Brandon?

You could be better.

I want to tell you something.

When Chelsea was young and I
was still living with Mitch,

she got sick, okay?
She got really, really sick.

Fever through the roof,
dripping with sweat,

and I was home alone. Let me
tell you, I was overwhelmed.

I didn't want to tell Mom, I thought she
would think that I did something wrong.

And in some strange way,

I thought
she was gonna die that night,

that she was gonna die
right there in my arms.

She was so beautiful,
and she was so sick.

And I thought,
this is it, right?

This is my fault.
God gave me this beautiful...

this beautiful little girl

to take her away from me
and to teach me a lesson, right?

Because that's what I do,
Brandon.

It's what I do,
and it's who I am.

Who are you, Star?

I'm broken, Brandon.

I hurt people,
and I let them down,

and I know that.

It's in my DNA.

I am the way I am with Chelsea

because the only...

chance she has in this life

is for me as far away
from her as possible.

She's just...

she's just better off
without me.

That's not true.

You know...

you know one of the things that they
pounded into us at these retreats?

Perfection, true perfection,

is not when there's
nothing more to add.

It's when there's nothing left
to take away.

And that means?

Fuck if I know.

And that's the bullshit you've
been learning for all these months?

Like, that's it? That's, like,
what you get from that?

Yeah. Yeah. That's what
I've been spending my money on.

That's good, right?

You should stop spending
your money.

Oh...

yeah.

It's gonna be okay.

Well, it could be worse.

Till we find a dead body
under the bed.

Okay, guys, welcome
to your new home.

We are one big happy family.

"Family." It's gotta be one of the most
perverse words in the English language.

- Do you actually feel that way?
- No, Star.

It's just a quip
with our shtick, right?

Our witty repartee.
Don't overthink it.

- Oh, God, yeah.
- I feel sorry for you.

- Excuse me?
- Not in a condescending holier-than-thou way, I just...

every time
I look at you, Brandon,

all I see is pain.

- You see what? Pain?
- Mm-hmm.

- I'm fine, okay?
- Are you?

Just because we had
a little moment earlier,

doesn't give you the right
to vivisect my brain, okay?

Would you please stop
pretending to care so much?

Well, I'm your older sister,

and that is what we do.

Yeah. Well,
don't strain yourself.

You know what?
You're exactly like Mom.

- It's not even funny.
- Excuse me?

Just pretending to care
when you haven't given a shit

about anyone
but yourself for years.

- That's the truth.
- Our mother

was more than likely
a manic bipolar paranoid

schizophrenic, but thank you
for the compliment.

I know this sounds
like jack shit,

but families are complex,
Brandon. Okay?

- Yeah.
- Just ask the Donner party.

Some of them were family members,
and they ate each other, so...

God. Everything is just
one big joke to you, isn't it?

I tell jokes. I try to laugh, because if I
didn't, I'd be crying all the effing time.

All right. Well, I'm not
laughing anymore, Star.

Where are you going?

At the end of the day,
what's the difference?

When this is over,
you're just gonna leave anyway.

What are you
talking about?

I'm going for a drink.

- Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
- Yeah.

Shit.

Is this seat taken?

No.

Mind if I...

Bartender, can I get
one more, please?

- Coming right up.
- Thank you.

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

Slow night, huh?

Yeah. Yeah. Pretty dead.

Yeah.

Then again, that's pretty much
always how it is around here.

I'm, uh, I'm J.T.,
by the way.

J.T.?

J.T. Good to meet you, J.T.

You're not from around here,
are you?

How'd you guess?

Well, the shorts helped.

So, J.T.,

what does that stand for?

Jesus Todd.

What?

- Jesus Todd?
- Jesus Todd.

How do you end up with a name
like Jesus Todd?

First name's Todd,

but I grew up in a houseful
of older brothers.

So every time I screwed up,
even most of the time when I wasn't,

everybody was always
yelling out, "Jesus, Todd."

I guess it stuck.

Rich.

You're name's Rich?

No. I'm, uh,

I'm Brandon. Brandon.

Well, okay,
Brandon Brandon.

What you drinking?

A lot.

- Well, here's to drinking a lot.
- All right.

Cheers, Jesus Todd.

It's for being
the mother you want to be.

You do so much to shape
your baby's future.

- Well, me and mom, we are really...
- This is ridiculous.

The baby would probably
prefer to remain with its mother,

but she's never far away.

Oh, come on, Universe.

What am I supposed to do
with my life?

No whammies, no whammies,
no whammies, and stop.

It was as if our entire country
looked into a mirror

and saw our better selves.

We were reminded
that we are citizens

with obligations to each other,

to our country, and to history,

and the good we can do.

For too long
our culture has said

"if it feels good, do it."

Now America is embracing
a new ethic

and a new creed.

Hello?

Hello? Is someone there?

- Hey, Mitch, it's me.
- Star...

Christ.
Do you know what time it is?

I'm gonna fight for her, Mitch.

I'm gonna fight for her.

I'm not going anywhere.

Not this time.

I just wanted you to know, so...

That's great, Star.
You... you know,

it's nice
of you to show up now

all of sudden and say
you're gonna fight for her,

but, what...

Easy, easy, easy!

All right,
all right, all right.

Hey! Not on the first date,
all right?

- My sister said not to do anything...
- Uh...

- well, she's a complete slut, so, whatever, but...
- Jesus Christ.

Hey, be a gentleman, okay?

- A gentleman?
- A gentleman.

Good things come
to those who wait.

- Oh, yeah.
- And if you wait long enough,

then you might come.

Yeah.

You're a comedian,
you know that?

What the fuck...?

- Fuck are you doing?
- What do you think I'm doing?

- I'm looking for your tonsils.
- Hey, hey. I'm straight, okay?

I'm not gay.

- You're straight?
- Yeah.

Yeah. And I'm the prince
of Siam.

Or, uh, would that be,
uh, Princess?

Get the fuck away from me,
you queer!

- What the fuck is your problem?
- My problem?

You're the faggot.

Okay.

Okay. I see what this is.

You're, like, what...

two, two-and-a-half years
from praying away the gay?

Or do you think you're the first
one to go down that road?

'Cause you sure as shit ain't the
first city queer to wander out here.

Fucking head case out
of towners.

Fuck you say?

Look, Mary.

It ain't that complicated.

See, this whole educate
the gay youth of America thing,

it ain't my goddamn job.

We're either here to fuck

or we aren't.

Yeah.

That's what I thought.

Wait.

What?

What?

- Oh!
- Fuck you!

Fuck you! Fuck you!
Fucking fag!

Fuck you, you fucking fag!
Fuck!

Fuck you!

Fuck you.

Fuck you!

Oh, my God!

- Huh?
- Brandon? Hey.

Go back to sleep, Star.

Please.

Oh, my God, Brandon.

- What happened?
- Nothing.

Just... just go back to sleep.

Did someone hurt you?

Oh, my God.

I hurt somebody.

I hurt somebody.

Hey, hey, you're okay.

You're okay. Hey, you're safe.

You're okay. You're okay.
Hey, you're okay.

Hey, hey. Shh.

You're okay.

Hi, babies. There you go.

They're so cute.

- Hey.
- Hey.

You wanna talk?

Not really.

How do you feel?

Like a truck ran over my brain
and put it back inside.

And the other guy, is he...

I have a hazy memory
of him running away,

so I'm sure he's fine.

Brandon?

Yes, Star?

Nothing.

I'm here.

I know. I can see you.

No. I'm not here. I'm...

I'm here.

I'm not going anywhere,

and, um,

I just thought you should know.

The other day you asked me
what my take is.

- Remember?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, I've been thinking
about it a lot recently.

I've been trying
to figure it out.

Trying to figure out
a lot of stuff.

I've always
had this image in my head

of me sitting
on the edge of a pool,

kind of like this.

My feet
are in the water, and

I could feel
the bottom with my toes.

And as long as I can feel
the bottom, I'm good.

I'll be fine.

But recently,
the past few months,

it scares me 'cause I...

I can't feel it anymore.

It just goes on forever
and ever, you know?

Probably
doesn't make much sense.

It actually makes
a lot of sense.

I'm lost, Star.

I'm really lost.

Bad lost.

Everything
is slipping away from me,

and it scares
the fuck out of me.

Does it sound like a heap
of shit to say that

I don't really have
the answers, Brandon,

but I do love you.

Truthfully?

Yeah.

- From you it does.
- You're so mean.

Okay. Well, you must be hungry,
because I hear

a night of gay bashing can
really work up an appetite so...

There's a Quick Stop around the corner.
Do you want anything?

Yeah,
I'll meet you over there.

We gotta get going
soon though, okay?

Star?

Yeah?

Thank you.

No problem.

Pick your poison.

Fortified with essential
glutamates and preservatives

or little fried ringlets
of the mystery meat.

Hey.

Uh, nice eyes?

It's an exercise, right?

In what... Geisha?

In the program, they teach us
to implement one component

of our new lives
as an expression of our manhood.

So, I thought
I'd do the opposite.

No? What do you think?

Brandon,

just because you decided
to poke your head out

of your closet a little bit,
doesn't mean the guy

that pops out
has to be Boy George.

Boy George? Oh, my God.

This looks ridiculous.
Where's... is this just water?

It's not coming off.

- How do you get this stuff off?
- Not so fast, Jack Sparrow.

It just looks crazy.

You're a good woman, Star.

You're a good woman too,
Brandon.

Asshole.

Holy tingling moose cock.

Either it's real
or a bad batch of acid

from the ninth grade
has leaked into my spinal cord,

hitched a ride on an aneurysm
and leaked into my brain.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Star, Star,
we don't have much time here.

- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know,

but I feel like
I'm the Millennium Falcon

on the Death Star's
tractor beam.

I can't help myself.

Nice star.

You know my name?

Guys, bring
it down a notch. Come on.

Lady's allowed to get some
Skittles if she wants to.

It is a free country.

Yesterday these meatheads
almost took out an entire group

of church seniors whose bus
passed me by while I was jogging.

I told them,
"Hey, guys, guys,

only shoot the ones that don't have
their RNC cards on 'em."

That was a joke.

Whew. You're a tough crowd.

I just want you to know that
the door is closed between us.

- Excuse me, missy?
- The door,

it's closed between us.

It's over. Okay?

Well, alrighty then.

Thanks, Sam. I'll see you around

- Sam?
- See you, Mr. President?

Mr. President.

Okay.

Well?

Was it everything
you hoped it'd be?

Yeah. I think it was.

- Thanks.
- Could I help you two with anything?

I think my sister just
broke it off with George W.,

so we're good, sir.
You have a good day, okay?

- Bye!
- Come on, come on.

Let's go.

Holy shit, Star. We have less
than 30 minutes to do this.

What's the plan? Pretty sure
you can't just walk up there

and throw something
inside the whale's mouth.

- What about your otters?
- Oh, good point. Keys.

They're a family, and family
needs air conditioning. Okay.

We're not taking the otters.

Plus I've learned from
experience that a fast getaway

is needed,
so it's good to, you know,

- leave the car running.
- Good to know.

Hurry up!

- Okay. Where is it?
- I don't know.

We'll just keep looking.

- I can't see anything, Brandon.
- You're right. It's all right.

- Gotta be in here somewhere.
- Brandon, there it is.

- Oh, my...
- Wow.

Okay. Okay. All right.

Uh, what... what do we do?

So now, if you follow me,

we've got a special treat
for you.

It's the behind-the-scenes tour
with our star,

- Sasha the whale!
- Brandon...

You'll get to see
an intimate feeding session

- Shh.
- It's gonna be Christmas and Halloween

all in one. Right this way.

- Let's go, alright?
- Alright.

Here at the Roderick
Texas Aquarium,

we're not only famous
for our over 3,000

different aquatic species,
but also

for our most famous resident,
Sasha the whale.

- There she is.
- Behind this reinforced corrugated steel tank

is 360 metric tons of ionized,

purified salt water.

We've recreated an orca's
natural environment

to give her the utmost comfort
here at the park.

Sasha's an orca, or according to
her scientific classification,

an orcinus orca.
She's an adolescent female

and weights three-and-a-half
tons. That's heavy.

If this works
and we don't get arrested,

I will walk through downtown
Des Moines butt naked.

Don't worry.
She can't get out of there.

She's harmless anyway.

Jesus Christ.

- Okay, Sherlock. What's the plan here?
- Um...

How exactly are we gonna get that thing
to swallow Mom's ashes? Seriously.

Okay. We need a fish.
That's what we need.

- Are you crazy?
- Why?

I have seen this movie.
It ends up with my arm

being chomped off
by a killer whale

while the whole thing
is streamed on YouTube

by that little girl over there.
We have a friend.

- Seriously, we need a plan.
- We have exactly seven minutes to do this,

shoot a picture over to Ira or all
of this was for not. Seriously.

Come on. Look how far
we've come. Please.

This isn't the real Sasha.

- Huh?
- The real Sasha passed away.

- This is Sasha number two.
- Good to know.

Okay. And that wraps up our
special behind-the-scenes tour.

Everyone here
at the Roderick Texas Aquarium

hopes you had a whale of a day.

Well, everyone follow me.

Open it.

- Open it.
- I think you should do it, okay?

No. No.
You're the man, open it.

I'm a bitter, confused
potential atheist.

Gender does not come
into play here.

- You do it.
- Brandon! I'll do it.

Careful. Careful.

Hey, Mom.

- This is it?
- Yeah, that's Mom.

What do...
where's the rest of her?

What do you mean "rest of her?"
Without being graphic,

this is what happens when
they incinerate your whole body.

That's what's left.

Brandon.

- What? What's wrong with it?
- She was always so there, right?

Isn't this crazy? I mean, her whole
life reduced to this. It's just...

- It's so simple.
- That's life.

- I know it's crazy, but...
- What are you doing with that?

Um, we're just, uh, you know, wanting to spend
an extra few minutes with Sasha is all.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. We're, uh, we're friends with her.

Yeah. Yeah. We just, uh,
want to give her a snack and,

you know, say our goodbyes.
So why don't you run off to your parents

and... and we'll do
just that, okay? Okay.

- Snack?
- Yeah. Yeah.

A snack because, um, we...

- are friends with her.
- Friends with her.

Yeah. Okay. Listen.

- Get that fish from there.
- I can't...

- Shove the packet in its mouth...
- I can't do the...

And throw the thing
over to Sasha.

I can't do the raw fish.
I have a thing.

- What do you mean?
- I gag with raw fish.

- I can't go anywhere near a raw fish.
- Brandon, Brandon,

you're gay, okay?
Gays love sushi.

It's a new genetic code.
You'll be fine.

As long as we don't
bring too much attention

to ourselves,
everything's gonna be fine...

- They're playing with Sasha.
- kay. Brandon the jig is up.

- Go, go, go, go, go!
- Okay, okay.

Brandon get the biggest fish,
the biggest fish!

Get the biggest one
and come over.

Now, shove the packet
in its mouth.

- Shove it in its mouth.
- Oh, my God.

- oh, my God.
- I can't do it.

It's not gonna fit inside
his mouth, Star.

You're gonna have to rip it
open and hand stuff it.

- So rip the bag open.
- Okay. Hang on.

- Rip it open, rip it open.
- Just give me one second.

- Okay, okay. Just try. Just try.
- I got this.

- Just give it to me. Okay.
- Let me tear it. Hang on.

Okay. Just hurry up!
Give it to me!

- Let go of it for two seconds!
- No! You let go, Brandon.

Oh!

I, uh...

- what do we do?
- I don't know. Try and put her back.

I'm sorry, Mom. Oh, God.

"Dear Poochies,

wow, you really did it. I was
just fucking with you."

Oh, God.

"Who wants to be swallowed
by a whale anyway?

Hope this brought you together.

That was my real last wish.
Love, Mom."

- Well...
- Well, what do you want to do now?

I don't know.

Thanks, Mom.

Thanks, Mom!

Hey! You guys,
what are you doing?

Run. Run.

- What?
- Wait, wait.

Let's get a picture, come on!

Cheese!

Okay. Run! Go!

Go, go, go, go!

I think we lost them! Go B!
The other way!

- Go! Hurry up, hurry up!
- Get in, get in, get in, get in.

Oh, God, oh, God. Check
the otters, check the otters!

Okay, they're good.

- Are they okay?
- Yeah.

- Here we go.
- One second.

- We have to. One second.
- What? Star!

Just one second, Brandon!
I have to! One second.

Oh, my God,
what are you doing?

We don't have time for this.

Come oh, hurry up,
they're coming!

Come on! Okay,
okay, okay, okay.

- Okay.
- Get in, get in, get in!

For Mom. Go!

- Go, go, go!
- There they are!

Go! Whoo!

We love you, Mom!

You're crazy, Star.
You are crazy.

- Go, go, go!
- Goodbye!

- Ah-ooo!
- Whoo!

Oo-oo-ooh! Oh, shit,
this is a one way.

This is a one way.
We're good. We're good.

Alright.

- Let's do it.
- Okay.

Alright.

Now, the map said it's
a protected landmark area, so

- it should be nice.
- Hurry up!

- Come on!
- I'm coming!

Uh, Brandon?

Whoa, what is that?

- Is that...
- A sign.

- Come on. Come on!
- All right.

Let's do it!

Right here. Okay.
Let's say a prayer.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Dear Heavenly Father,

thank you for this beautiful
and very relevant

setting for our friends here.

Family, come on.

Family.

Please watch over them
and guide them

for the rest
of their little lives.

- Amen.
- A-woman.

Okay. Hey, guys, listen up.

This the real world, okay?

This ain't gonna be easy.

There are storms
and hunters and alligators

that are gonna eat you.
But my advice.

You stick together,
you're family,

and you'll be just fine.

Okay. Let's do this.
On three?

On three.

One, two, three. Whoo!

- Whoo!
- Freedom!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Freedom!

Bye! Go!

- Be free!
- Freedom!

Whoo!

- Wow.
- They're so cute.

Good job, Star.

Home sweet home.
Look at them go.

What do you think?

I think they're gonna be okay.

- And us?
- Us?

Us.

We're pretty much fucked.

Where the hell are we?

Go
over there and park over there,

and we'll make sure that
we go and take our picture.

- You love taking pictures.
- Ah!

You're so good
at taking pictures.

- All right.
- It's very good.

You're very distracting,
okay? Let me drive.

- Very distracting.
- Yes, we can go. Let me drive.

You know, sometimes I think
Adele speaks like this.

This is a very good
Adele accent.

Can you do an Adele accent

or an Aussie accent, mate?
Good day, Mate,

how's it going? Have a beer
and a shrimp on the barby.

Was an African
over there, brother?

What's your favorite accident?

- They're all terrible.
- How about you do an English accent?

Hello, Puppet,

I'm your governor.

That is terrible.

Can I have a cup
of tea and scones?

- Right?
- You are like the worst...

you should never do
an English accent.

- That was good.
- No. You should never do an English accent.

- I know I'm good.
- Your English accent is like...

- Listen again.
- Hello, puppet.

Care to have
a cup of tea, Governor?

- That's perfect.
- Oh, my God, Governor,

- my name's Adele.
- That's perfect.

- My name's Adele.
- Who's Adele?

She's... I don't know.

I'm just fucking with you.
I know who Adele is.

Good day, mate.

That's a good
Australian accent.

Cheers, mate.