Brain Smasher... A Love Story (1993) - full transcript

Sam Crain, a professional model, is asked by her sister to smuggle a package from Europe to Portland Oregon, where she discovers that her sister is battling Chinese Shaolin Monks (not ninjas!). Fleeing the monks, Sam unwittingly involves Ed "Brainsmasher" Molloy, a nightclub bouncer. - stop by if you're interested in the nutritional composition of food
Yeah, Hot Tub?

Good, I'm glad you're home.

I got to tell you something.

This is real important.
What do you mean?

I met that chick.

Yeah, I know you met that girl.

She's a great chick.
Listen to me.

Listen to me...

All right, why is she great?

I don't know why.

She's got all her limbs, OK.

Listen, I've got to
tell you this story.

What do you mean
you've got to go?

All right, I got to...

I've got to tell you... Oh...

- Goodbye.
- Johnny?

We're up.

- Hello?
- Ed?


Yeah, listen...

How did you get my number?

I'm at a phone booth in
the middle of nowhere.

I need you to...

What do you mean you
want me to move back?

Ma, look, I've got to tell you
what happened to me last night.

Mom, listen to...

I'm not going to move
back in the house.

I'm 32 years old.

I need my privacy.
You know what I mean?

- Oh, great.
- Ma, listen to...

Just great.

What do you got to
get insulted... Ma?


Hey, how you doing?

My name's Ed Molloy.

I'm known as the Brain Smasher.

You'll know why
in a few minutes.

But you know what gets me?

Nobody listens anymore.

Nobody's got any sensitivity.

But you'll listen.

You're not going no where.

And let me tell you, I got an
unbelievable story, you hear?

♪ ♪

♪ The moons are right and I was ♪

♪ told that you'd be coming here ♪

♪ My life was laying kind of low ♪

♪ I was looking to get done in ♪

♪ Now, ain't it nice when there's
no more pieces to fit in ♪

♪ Well, baby, I was you and you
were born, no one was arguin' ♪

Here's the set up.

It started, of all places,
in London, England.

There was this chick.

Absolutely fantastic.

Sam, give me a second.

Take an hour.

Her name is Samantha,

and she's one of
those supermodels.

You know the type, with the big
money, famous thing happening.

Oh, a book?

Amazing, isn't it?

I can actually read and wear a
bathing suit at the same time.

Sometimes I even do math.


A beauty who reads.

Now there is a combo
that I can marry.


As you can see, Samantha

wasn't the happiest
chick in the world

when it came to relationships.

But hey, she hadn't met me yet.


What do you think
he did this time?

Sam, wait.

This is for you.

Another present I wanted.

It's not from me.

- It's from your sister.
- What did you do?

Schlep it all the
way from Paris?

Yeah... big mistake.

I'll say.

You should have brought
your heart instead.

Then you would have had
to find it first, and...

Who else do you
know that's going

to give you a $10,000 Rolex?


A Rolex is not love.

I'll mail it to you.

Keep it.

You know, you're going to
regret this someday, Sam.

You're not going to look good
in a bathing suit forever.

So Sam gets this package from her sister,

and that's what really
sets the whole thing off.

Because the sister tells Sam to
bring this package to Portland,

Oregon where she'll meet her.

♪ ♪


Now this is Portland, Oregon.

I live here.

This is where the rest of the
story happens, and the set up.

♪ ♪

Over here, Miss Crain.

I thought Halloween
was last month.

These guys are Shaolin
monks of the Red Lotus sect.

Our paths crossed...

What the hell did he say to you?

Talk about stressed.

What did he say?

Uh... he would appreciate it
if you wouldn't talk anymore.

Why don't you just say so?


What are you...

What is he...

Tell your baby sister
to reveal the whereabouts

of the Red Lotus to us now.

Wait a minute.

You speak English.

You know, you guys are
in a lot of trouble.

This isn't China.

You can't...

Sam, where's the package
I asked you to bring?

I forgot it.

She's a model.


Yeah, just another airhead.

But if these freaks
kill me, they'll never

find their little package.

Tell them that.

I'm sorry I got
you into this, Sam.

That's what you're
always saying.

Give us the Red Lotus.

You made your point.

It's this way.

Come on.

These guys are crazy.

You want to see crazy?

You will pay for
this, Miss Crain.

I will find you.

Come on, Sam.

You have no honor.

Would you get up?

Come on.

This way... over here.

Oh, yuck.

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, you send me a
package from thousands

of miles away and then you
ask me to rush it back to you.

I figure something's going on.

It always is with you.

What's with the ninjas?

I told you, they're
Chinese monks.

- Ninjas are Japanese.
- Details.

Come on.

♪ ♪

Well, how was I supposed to know
arm bruiser was going to follow

me all the way to Portland?

Arm bruiser?

What are you doing
with those guys?

I can't let them get their hands

on the Red Lotus when
our friend, Wu, said

ultimate power,
he wasn't kidding.

I think we lost them.

No, you don't lose
Red Lotus monks.

They're coming.

You just can't hear them.

Sure as hell can hear
you in those things.

Lose them.

- These are $400 shoes.
- Oh, details.

Look, go down this alley.

I'll meet up with you
at St. Luke's Church.

Wait a minute.
We're splitting up?

Look, this is
what they're after.

They'll follow me.

I don't want to cause
you any more trouble.

I'm not leaving you.

Mom and dad would kill me.

Oh, forget mom and dad.

Look, St. Luke's
Church, tomorrow, noon.

Now, get out of here.

And lose those heels.

Oh, god.

♪ ♪


I don't have it.

Leave me alone.



Have a good time.

Wrong move, stupid.

Hey, why don't you
guys come back tomorrow

when you sober up, huh?


Now, that's why they
call him the Brain Smasher.

Hey, Benny, call the cops.

We got four more.

Hey, hey, hey.

Cops are on their way.

- Here, here's your jacket.
- Thanks.

Oh, I thought you said four?

You know me, I
don't count too good.

Give me a light, will you?

Yeah, sure.

I'll tell you something
though, some chick got by me.

Oh, what are you trying to say?

Some girl got by
the Brain Smasher?

Oh, that could be in the paper.

Not for long.

Do me a favor...
watch the line, huh?

- I got you.
- Let's go.

Hold it right there a second.
Just back it up.

♪ ♪

♪ The moon's full circle
stood bright and bold ♪

♪ with the sun and the fire
and the wind from the road ♪

♪ A gypsy told me when
Mars hits the skids ♪

♪ A stranger will enter
my life, and she did ♪

♪ Come with me, baby on destiny's trail ♪

♪ I went along for the ride ♪

♪ The moon and the stars
on the beach in his eyes ♪

♪ Wilderness say goodbye ♪

♪ With a face you could ransom, I had ♪

♪ To give in, while the
drums in the night ♪

♪ Could be felt through his skin ♪

♪ Let me in ♪

♪ he said come with me
baby on destiny's trail ♪

♪ I went along for the ride ♪

♪ He held me forever under the stars ♪

♪ Wilderness say goodbye ♪

Hey, where you going?

This ninja's cracking the door.

We are not ninja.

♪ ♪

♪ Help this child out in the wild ♪

♪ Help this child ♪

♪ He was crazy thunder ♪

♪ He was... rain ♪

♪ He was smooth... ♪

♪ He was perfect timing... ♪

Hey ninja...

What are you doing here?

Come on.

Hey, wait a minute.

What are you doing?

You crashed the gate.

Didn't you see those
ninjas chasing me?

- They're trying to kill me.
- Ninjas?

Yes, ninjas.

The... the creeps with the masks.

Honey, we get all kinds in here.

I've never seen you around.
Uh... you live alone?

♪ ♪

Listen to me.

There are Chinese ninjas
after me because they

want the ultimate power.

And there's a 24-hour
detox center on Main.

Oh, do I look like
I'm on drugs to you,

you dumb muscle head?

Well, this dumb muscle
head's throwing you out.


So let me understand this.

You automatically think a
person is going to lie to you?

First chance they get.

Don't give anyone the
benefit of the doubt, huh?

Not if they got on a skirt.

Do you have a
problem with women?

Hey, who don't,
except other chicks.

You know, an attitude like
that can get you in trouble.

I'll say it can.

Come on.

I don't need this tonight...
stories about ninjas.

Huh... wait a minute.

What's the matter?

The noise... it stopped.

Yeah, you stopped talking.

Shut up.

Johnny what's going on?

Freaks in masks
killing everybody.


I can't believe it.

Let me out of here.

Do you believe me now?

These ninjas are killers.

We are not ninjas.

There's a trick to this door.

♪ ♪

Damn it.

Who are those guys?

Old boyfriends?

Come on.
Come on.


Come on.

- Jump.
- What?


Thanks, babe.

What was that all about?

It's complicated.

I got time.

Mind if I smoke?


Well, too bad.

- We're in the smoking section.
- Ugh.

So what is it?

Those guys don't
like rock and roll?

Oh, Cammy says it's some sort
of religious sect or something.

Who's Cammy?

My crazy sister.

She took something from them.

I guess, she thinks
they'll trade it for me.

Why doesn't she just give
them back what they want?

Well, she must think it's
awfully important to risk

her life and mine, and
I hate to admit it,

but my sister always
knows what she's doing.


She's a botanist.

So you got the looks and
she's got the brains, huh?

She's very beautiful.

Then she got the
looks and brains.

What did you get?

Look, muscle head, are
you going to help me or not?

I'll take you to the cops,
but that's as far as I go.

The cops aren't
going to do anything.

There's no law
against being a ninja.

Those ninjas wiped out a club.

I think there's a
law against that.

Well, there's another reason
we can't go to the cops.


They might pick you
out of a line up?

She kind of talked me
into smuggling something

into the country,
and it's not drugs.

Well, what is it?

It's a flower from China.

Wu thinks it holds the
key to ultimate power.


What's a Wu?

He's the guy you almost creamed

with the fire extinguisher.


Can you just help me
get to St. Luke's Church?


I'll pay you $300.

Make it $500.



I can't pay you now.

I lost my purse when
Wu was chasing me.

Honey, these pockets
only take green.

God, all right, look,
this is an 18-karat gold,

custom-made Rolex, 24-carat
hands, diamond-studded face.

It's worth $10,000.

What kind of idiot would
pay $10,000 for a watch?


Oh, rich boyfriend, huh?

He was crazy in love with me.

I had to end it.

Yeah, but you kept
the watch, didn't you?

He lied to me, OK?

I couldn't trust him anymore.

Do we have a deal or what?

Ed Molloy.

Samantha Crain.

Most people call me Sam.

Most people call
me the Brain Smasher.


♪ ♪

How do we get off?

Let's go, honey.
Come on.

There's nothing to this.

It's OK.

I'm all right.

Come on.

Climb down.

I'll catch you.

Hey, honey, I ain't
getting any younger.



You OK?


Is something the matter?

Tell me something.

Am I being used?

♪ ♪

Is this the way to St. Luke's?

No, it's the way to my car.

It's too far to
walk to the church.

♪ ♪

I suggest we pick up a gun.

I don't use guns.

I never did.
I don't believe in them.

You know what I mean?

I mean, some of the other
guys pack them at the club,

but I don't find no honor in it.


They want to kill us.

I'm telling you,
I don't use guns.

Oh, that's right.

You just go around busting
heads and removing cheeks and...

Hey, hold it.

And smashing brains.

Hold it.

I stop idiots and morons
from breaking heads.

Let me tell you something.

You see this scar, this little
scar right across my nose.

I was 16, hanging out in a
club, minding my own business,

a big fight breaks out, right?

I get a bottle across my face.

You know why?

Because there was no bouncer.

So you see, I keep the peace.

And I like what I do.

And I'm proud of what I do.

And that's that.

I'll tell that
story at your funeral.

Just come on.

I want to get to the car.

Ed, lighten up.

We got to make a
quick stop first.

I got a debt to collect.



We lost them.

- This will only take a minute.
- So, what?

Are you bouncer at
night, loan shark by day?

Oh, yeah?

You're just into ninjas
and flowers, right?


What's the matter?

You don't call your
mother in three weeks?

Come here.

- Who is it?
- It's Ed.

Ed, who?

Ed, your son, you idiot.

Ma, this is Samantha Crain.

This is my mother.

How do you do?

Oh, Hello, um...

Mrs. uh...

What kind of girl can't
even remember your last name?

All right, ma.

Come on in a second.

Come on.

Hey, pop.

Still working?

Still working.

I've been coming here
10 years, that's all you

ever ask me... still working.
Yeah, I'm still working.

Well, hello.

Why didn't you tell me we
had a guest in the house?

It slipped my mind.

I know you.

Come on, come in here.

Come sit down.

Oh... oh, really, no.

I'm fine.
I mean...

We got five chairs.

If she wants to
sit, she can sit.

And I'm offering the
best seat in the house

to this beautiful, young lady.

Hey, pop, take a
cold shower, all right.

Let her sit wherever she wants.

All right?



I gotta talk.


- Now sit down.
- How much?

What do you mean, how much?

Give we $20 just for gas.

Money for gas?

Stop looking.
What are you looking.

I gave you $20.

I can't look?

Hey, ma, where's
my registration?

Top of the fridge.

You see that?

He won't even drive his car
without the registration.

No tickets, no violations,
never broke a law in his life.

A real, straight-up guy.

If anybody were to lead him or
break his heart, I'd kill her.


So, tell us, how
did a woman like you

get to hook up with my Ed?

Oh, it's... really
hard to explain, um...

I'm all ears.

More like all mouth.

Well, if you
really want to know,

Ed saved my life from these
Red Lotus warrior monks who

are after me because
they think that I

can lead them to the
flower that holds

the key to world domination.

Of course.

I got to talk to you now.

Hey, look, I... I don't
approve of taking

advantage of the mentally
ill, but in this case...

Mentally ill?

Dad, what are you saying?

I got the girl
sitting right here.

Hey, are you talking
like that to me?

Well, what do you got
to open your mouth for?

I want to know about secret
flowers and red monkeys...

Hey, hey, what is this?

What are you yelling at me?

See you outside.

Stop yelling at me.
All you going to do is yell?

I'll just be...

Mom, I got to go.

All right?

I don't want to
hear this no more.

Really nice to meet you.

Ma, I got to go.
All right.

All right.
All right.

- All right.
- Thank you so much.


All right, goodbye.

Nice family.

What are you saying?

That's... that's
real life in there.

That was a conversation.

That's my parents.
What are...

I didn't say...
I'm not saying anything.

Well, you know, you got
to have a little respect.

Where you going?
Come out this way.

They back way is
the quickest way.

Come on.

You don't know nothing.

♪ ♪


I don't like the idea
of Ed being with that girl.

You don't like
anybody he brings home.

There is something
wrong with her.

Give her a chance.

Now what?

Maybe they forgot something.

Is that you, Ed?

We didn't order Chinese take-out.

We are searching for
Miss Samantha Crain.

That looney?

She... she just left
here with my son,

said she was being
chased by killer ninjas.

Ah, yes.

Miss Crain suffers
these delusions simply

because my colleagues and I
from the Psychiatric Institute

happen to be Asian and dress
fashionably in a basic black.

Do we look like ninjas to you?


Are you ignorant?

Ninjas are Japanese.

These guys are speaking Chinese.

You are a very wise man.

If your son is with Miss
Crain, he is in great danger.


Where are they now?

They went to pick up his car.

It's always parked in
front of his apartment...

36 Charles Street.

It's up above the
Lotus Cocktail Lounge.

Not so fast, doc.

What's your number so I can
get in touch with my son.

My parents liked you and
they don't like anybody,

including me.

They may have a point.

We're not going to make
any more stops, are we?

Nah, I live over there.

It's pretty cool here, huh?

Like the neighborhood?

You got to see summertime...
like we open up all the hydrants.

It's a lot of fun.

Ah, come on.
Take a walk.

Get out of her.

It's amazing how they
hang out on the corner

with their dirty, filthy
mouths, smoking cigarettes,

leaning against my car.

I mean, you know, seats
get a little cold,

but the chicks dig it.

Look at this baby.

My pride and joy.

Nice car.

Honey, don't play with me.


It's a piece of crap.

Are you happy now?

I like honesty.

Well, I honestly have
to go to the restroom.

Come on.

After you.

Come on in.

This is my apartment.
Look at this.

This is my trophy.

I, uh... won it boxing in '84.

My heavy bag.

It's probably not what
you're used to, huh?

Well, yeah... you don't
have to get defensive.

I mean, I wasn't
going to say anything.

But you were thinking it.

It's all right.

Toilet's in there.

Maid's not working this week.

♪ ♪



You all right?

Oh, yeah.

♪ ♪

Well, I guess we should go.

Wait a minute.

Come here.

Come here.

Give me this.

All right.

In case those maniacs
show up again,

you've got to be prepared.

You're going teach me to fight?

Oh, that's great.

All right.

♪ ♪

It's very simple.

It's called the one-two.

I invented it.


One... bam.

Shot to the balls.

Well, people call
me a ball buster, so...

I'm sure they have.

Two... bang... upper
cut to the chin...

lights out.

All right?

Now I want you to try it on
me, slowly, very, very slowly.




All right, good.

I'm OK.

Not bad.

Right here... give me
everything you got...



Come on.

You see that?

Pretty good.

A little practice,
you'll be all right.

If you would have connected,
it would have been all over.




Hey, I... I'm in that.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah, December.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, when I get to
December, I'll check it out.

I'm going to get
your coat, all right?

♪ ♪


Your mother!

Ha, you bastard.

That watch better
be worth $10,000.

Jonathon wouldn't
lie about that.

Well, what would he lie about?

He was married, OK?


I'll patch it up tomorrow, Miss Bellows.

Miss Crain.

The one-two.

The one-two.

One... this guy has no nuts.

Miss Bellows?




Here, come on.



Miss Bellows, you're
a great land lady.

I'm a real stand-up broad.

We've got to go, OK?

Thanks a lot.



♪ ♪

Hands up.

Hit the wall now.

Late as usual, huh fellas?

♪ ♪

I'm telling you, I
don't know anything

else about those Chinese guys.

How do you know they're Chinese?

- Why not Japanese?
- Why not Vietnamese?

Why not Korean?

Why not martians?

Let's get back to the woman, Ed.

You said, you'd never
met her before tonight.

That's right.

Earlier, you stated
that she crashed the door

at the Zebra Club and
two of these so-called

ninjas followed her in.

Tried to follow her in.

I stopped two of them.

You guys were supposed to pick
them up in front of the club.

Benny called you guys.

Benny Briscoe?

He was one of the
victims tonight...

broken neck.

Yeah, I guess,
sometimes bouncing

can get pretty dangerous, huh?

The officers at the
scene said they didn't find

any unconscious ninjas, Ed.

Well maybe they take
their wounded with them.

Look, I wasn't the
only guy out there.

There had to be a
hundred people out there.

Why don't you talk to them?

We did.

They also reported
ninja activity.

Of course.

They were high and drunk.

What are you wasting
your energy on me?

You should be out
catching these guys.

You're a pretty smart guy, Ed.

For a bouncer.

Check the flights from
China, call the ambassador,

do something.

Hey, don't turn stupid on us.

We're not going to call
the FBI or Interpol

on the word of a Neanderthal
bouncer and an airhead model.

Get back on the planet.

Hey, Sam's not an airhead
and I'm not a Neanderthal.

I'm a Co Magnum.


We'll be back.

Chinese ninja's...
cut me a break.

You think he's wacko, wait
till you hear the model.

Yeah, I recognize her from
one of my lingerie catalogs.

♪ ♪

I thought we were
going to surprise them?

Mr. Black, Smith,
Jones, Brown.

Why don't you tell us
again why these, uh...

Chinese ninjas are after you.

I told you twice already,
they want the flower.

Oh, right, the flower.

You know, the one
that's going to give

them the ultimate power.

You expect us to
believe this crap?

Well, my sister believes
it, and she's always right.

Sounds like my wife.


This sister of yours, isn't she
the Indiana Jones of botany?

Laugh all you want.

My sister's research
made the cover

of the "American Botanist,"
three times last year.

We're very impressed.

How can we get in touch with
this famous sister of yours?

I don't know.

She told me to meet her at
St. Luke's Church tomorrow

and then she disappeared.

She was trying to protect me.

Didn't do a very
good job, did she?

Looks like we're
going to have to keep

you in custody until tomorrow.

Then we can hook up with
this sister of yours

and get some real answers.

I want to call CAA and my lawyer.

Get her the phone.

♪ ♪

It stopped ringing.

Maybe your lawyer hung up.

There's no dial tone.

It's not working.



Are you there?


Damn it.

We put this new system
in two months ago.

Oh, no.
Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Maybe it's the ninjas.

Keep it up, guy.

Let's try again.

What a story...
masked Chinks...


I'm tired of being here.

Yes, it was St. Luke's.

And I've told you the same thing

over and over for
the last 15 minutes.

Same story here and it's not...

Sit down.

Sit down.

You can't keep me in this...

Shut up.

Ed, it's a two-way mirror.
She can't see you.

For the last two hours...

Sit down again.

You should take a little bit of
rest then, if you're so tired.

Get your head together and
we'll talk about this thing,

for Christ's sakes.

Jesus, what are you going
to do with this broad, anyway?


Every phone in
the building's down.

No shit.

Jesus Christ.

Ah, she's a good
looking broad, Ed.

yeah, she is.

It's all right, Ed.

We know how it can be.

How what can be?

A classy women like that
don't come around too often.

A guy like you, bouncer
working the clubs,

you get your pick of
the zombie groupies,

the underage alcoholics.

Preppy kids out for a thriller.

But nothing quite like
Samantha Crain, huh?

You guys are way out of bounds.

Are we, Ed?

Why would you risk your
life for a total stranger?


She gave me this.

What idiot would pay
$10 grand for a watch?

The truth is, I was just
trying to save my own ass.

She got in the way.

I don't love her.

I don't even know her.

We didn't say you loved her, Ed.

Stop protecting her, Ed,
and cut this ninja crap,

and tell us what
this is really about.

- What's it about?
- Drugs, Ed.

Drugs in the Far East.

What are you looking at?

- I'm looking at you, pal.
- Hey, what is that...

What are you talking about.

He said every phone
in the building is down.

Don't you think
that might mean...

Oh, shut up and sit
down and listen to us.

We know you're clean, Ed.

You got into this drug
business because of Sam.

She tricked you.

You guys are unbelievable.

Stop protecting her.

This broad is selling you out.

After everything
that's gone down,

you still don't believe
me about these ninjas.

We believe in drugs, Ed.

♪ ♪



Listen to me now.

They're not drug dealers.

They're killers.

You hear?

I hear you.

And they take their
flowers very seriously.

The truth, Ed.

Tell us the truth or
we'll beat it out of you.

The truth is you
guys are idiots.

Start telling the truth!

I'm telling the truth.

I'm telling the truth.

We'll start right from the top.

Listen to me.

Sit down.

Hey, tell them to back off.

What is it, Ed?
heroine or opium, huh?


Why don't you just cut the
chop sake crap and cooperate.

This is America, god damn it.

Mass ninjas.

We are not ninjas.

Isn't that funny.

You want to play?

Let's play.

You have been a lot
of trouble, Miss Crain.

I expect it from your
sister, but not from someone

with a brain of a coat hanger.

If it were not

for my solemn vows of abstinence...

I'd give you a really good time.


You going to just
stay down here or what?

You all right?

Come on.

- Wait.
- What?

- Cramp.
- What?

My neck.
Wu punched me.


- Right there.
- All right.

- How's that?
- Yeah.

Is that all right?




You like that?


Yeah, you got a
nice neck, you know...

You see that?
You're all better.

Come on.

♪ ♪

Come on.

Hold it.
Hold it.

They're right behind us.

Get away from the stairs.

You move, you die.

Oh, what?
No way.

Come on.

Give me a break.

Oh, no, no, no.

Man, are you kidding?

Oh, that must hurt.


Get him!

Come on.

Come on!

Oh, my god.

Ed, are you OK?

If I didn't see it with my
own eyes, I wouldn't believe it.

Those guys wiped out an entire
police station without even

building up a sweat.

Ed, I... I can't believe how
you took care of those guys.

I can't go up against that.

Don't sell yourself short.

You were great.

I was lucky.

Those guys catch bullets.

But Ed, you... you got us
out of there in one piece.

- You were...
- Sam, enough.

All right?

Just... just have your sister
give back what they want.

You're quitting
on me, aren't you?

I'm scared.

Well, that's good, because
I know a lot of guys that got

messed up for life because
they weren't scared.

You gotta know when
to cut your losses.

I do.

So just walk 10 blocks
up this way, make a left,

and St. Luke's will
be on your right.

But we can beat them.

You're talking from
your heart, not your head.

I can't believe you're
just going to leave me.

Sorry, honey, I know
when I'm over matched.


♪ ♪

♪ I held like you
were my link to heaven ♪

♪ God, I loved you so ♪

♪ The moon and stars
I could see forever ♪

♪ You're my angel on Earth, you know ♪

♪ How could you let me go? ♪

♪ Did I really dream that
far off the planet? ♪

♪ Can I feel that love's your own? ♪

♪ You fool my sense with all that beauty ♪

♪ Will I ever see, to know?
How could you let me go? ♪

♪ How could you let me go? ♪

♪ Maybe, I'm just having a bad dream ♪

♪ I would've staked my
life, crossed my heart ♪

♪ and hoped to die, you were the one ♪

♪ It never dawned on me the
possibility that you'd be gone ♪

♪ Maybe that's why we're crazy ♪

♪ If voices, if my breath, depended on
you on you, yes I'd wait for your call ♪

♪ You would plant these kisses,
falling forever, each time ♪

♪ that you come to my door ♪

♪ Why would you... ♪

Hello, Miss Crain, this is the Hamilton Hotel,

242 Third Ave. A
Miss Cammy Crain

just checked in and asked you
to contact her here at 555-1972.

She's waiting for your call.

Hi, Sam.

This is Tali.

You've got a
bathing suit shoot...

Hamilton Hotel?

Yes, uh... hi.

Can I speak to
Cammy Crain, please?

She's not?

Well, then, can I
speak to the manager?

Oh, hi, uh... you left a
message for me about my sister.

Your sister said she needs
you to come to the hotel

right away.


Oh, god, I don't have
any way of getting there.

You can?

Oh, that would be terrific.

Uh... yeah.

I'm across the street
from the Guild Theater.

Do... do you know where that is?



Well, send the car there.

I'll wait inside.

About half an hour.

Thank you so much.

You're welcome.

I did everything you told me.

Thank you.

Oh... oh, my nose.

Was that really necessary?

Oh, I think it's broken.

♪ ♪

♪ I had a long day baby, so
let me relax for a while ♪

♪ Sure, you might be
getting tired of looking ♪

♪ at the same old smile ♪

♪ Now, I know you've
been working hard too ♪

♪ And I keep saying I'll make it up to you ♪


If you're looking
for work, you uh...

you just got the job.

Thanks, but I just quit.

Get you something, honey?

Uh... Perrier, please?

Sorry, honey, this ain't France.

Oh, well, then, uh...

I'll just have
water would be fine.

Are you sure you don't
want something else.

I got to charge you a minimum.

Water's fine, thanks.

Relax, baby.

It's just me, Romeo.

You ain't the first woman
to get excited by my touch.

Oh, get lost, creep.

I'm waiting for somebody.

I bet you think
I'm looking to lay

the ground work here, right?

Well, wrong.

It's my name.

It's a curse, you hear?

Chicks think I'm
interested in cereal.

Relax, angel face, we got
all night to fall in love,

you hear?

There's no meter running.

One... two...

Nice job, cooler.

Who's your new friend?

Ed, what happened to you?

Fell down.

Your face is a mess.

You should be more careful.

Yeah, well, I just came by to give you this.

You know, I didn't
finish the job.

You know, and I figure
if you get together

with your boyfriend, uh...

he might wonder what happened
to his $10,000 watch.

We're getting kind of
close, aren't we, Ed?

You think?

So, you have a girlfriend?

You kidding me?

The girls I like don't like me,
and the ones that do like me,

I don't.

And what category do I fit into?


I'm not your type.

You know what I'd do,
I'd buy you a Timex

and make you buy the batteries.

What can I get you?

Oh, just water.

Got to charge you a minimum.

Do what you got to do.

So what's going on here?

Oh, I'm, um... waiting for a car

to come take me to my sister.

What happened to St. Luke's?

Cammy left a
message on my machine.

She checked into a hotel and
the hotel is sending a car.



Isn't that funny.

All of a sudden she
changed the plans.

I don't like it.

I mean, if, uh...

something were to happen in
this joint, there's no bouncer.

You're a straight-up
guy, aren't you, Ed?

What did you say to me?

I said you were a straight-up guy.

Hey, don't tease me.

I wouldn't.


Let's get out of here.

Keep this.


What did you do to Jimmy.

Ask Jimmy.

I knew his name wasn't Romeo.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, my god.

What's going on, guys?

Give yourself up, Miss Crain.

I have no desire to
hurt you or your friend.

Why don't you kiss my ass, Wu?

I'd love to.

Sam, don't antagonize
these guys, huh?

Listen to your friend's
advice, Miss Crain.

There's still a chance I
will let you live after this.

I admit, it's a small
chance, but it could happen.


Don't make me laugh.

You're not going to let us go.

Possession of the
Red Lotus will make me

the most powerful man on earth.

Once I have the flower,
you can go to your police

with my blessing.

They will not to be
able to touch me.

No one will be able to touch me.

I thought you wanted your
flower for your religion?

I do not want to be
a Kung Fu thug forever.

I, too, have ambitions.

Well, let me tell
you something, halfwit.

You're never going
to get your flower.

And how do you intend
to stop me, Miss Crain?

Fling your bikini at me?

Do you know who this is?

Some innocent fool you
seduced into helping you?

This is the Brain Smasher.

He hates Kung Fu.

In fact, he thinks
it's for wimps.

Oh, what... what
are you talking...

I was just telling
you I love that stuff.

Uh... Chuck Norris...
I got all the movies.

You know... the blond guy.

Let's kick some ninja butt.

We're dead.

For the last time,
we are not ninjas.

♪ ♪

Miss Crain?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

You boys aren't
allowed back here.

Now beat it.

Why don't you take a
seat out front, fellas?

We'll give you something
to write home about.

Ah, ah, ah, peeking's
not allowed.

Take your seats out front.

You'll see her
titties soon enough.

Those little guys
are kind of cute.

Thanks a lot.

Don't thank me.

Pay me.

Well... well, I don't...

I don't have $50
on me right now,

but uh... this guy that I'm
with, he has this watch.

It's worth $10,000.

I'll just go get him for...

You expect me to
believe some sucker

spent $10,000 on a watch?

You listen, princess,
I don't work for free.

You turn over the cash or I'll
turn you over to the ninjas.


Out of my god damn way, honey.

I got a show to do.

Miss Crain, if you have any
concern for your friend's life,

do not take another step.

I do not want to
hurt you or this man.

I simply want what is
rightfully mine, what we have

been hunting for 2,250 years.

Sam, run.

Go to your sister.

I'll take care of this.


She's in love
with you, isn't she?

You think so?

I'm very happy for
you, Brain Smasher.


I like to see a man die
with a smile on his face.

We lost her.

Perhaps you may yet serve

the cause of the Red Lotus.

Do me a favor, put
me away already, huh?

Why don't I just
reshuffle your face,

then give the
beautiful Miss Crain

a chance to prove her love.

Excuse me, Wu.

♪ ♪

♪ It was a hard, white broken, cold moon ♪

♪ A night for devils or angels ♪

♪ You and me, and drunken dreams ♪

♪ Wine spilled on the table ♪

♪ Gold highlighting your face ♪

♪ Watch the spirits tremble ♪

♪ Burning a hole on black velvet ♪

♪ Sweat runs down your shoulder ♪

♪ You're the one I'm coming to ♪

Hey, Romeo?


♪ ♪

♪ You are the one ♪

♪ You are the one ♪

♪ Anything you want to
do, you drive me crazy ♪

♪ Under that perfect touch
their lives in a tangle ♪

♪ Prisoner laid low by love ♪

♪ Satisfy my hunger ♪




- Oh, Cammy.
- Sam.

Oh, Cammy.

Oh, you're alive.

Oh, oh, cut it out.

Of course I'm alive.

Why wouldn't I be alive?

Well, it's just that
I saw Wu go after you...

Yeah, so?

Don't you start with
that model crap,

like I'm not capable of
taking care of myself.

Look, what are you doing here?

You're not supposed
to be here until noon.

Ed... Ed's in trouble.


The botanist has
got my number, Ed.

All she needs to do
is give me a call.

If she really loves you, she'll
convince her sister to trade

the Red Lotus for your life.


Who's this?

I want to talk to my son, Ed.

It's your mother.

Hello? Hello?

What, ma?

What time are you coming home?

I don't know what
time I'll be home.


Hang up on her.

I won't trade the
flower for Ed... period.

Well, we can't just let Ed die.

He saved my life.

You love him.


You must.

I haven't seen you smoke
since you were in high school.

It's too bad, because in
the larger scheme of things,

it's more important that
Wu never get the lotus.

Look, I don't care about
all that ultimate power crap.

I just care about Ed.

Oh, since when have
you cared about anything

other than your tan lines?

Talk about selfish.

You make me leave work, smuggle
something into the country,

practically get me killed,
and all without a thank you.

But I expect that from you,
because you are my sister.

Ed is an innocent bystander.

Oh, I can't believe I
finally care about someone,

and he's going to die before I
get a chance to sleep with him.

Perhaps I should change my
name to finger-breaker Wu.

What do you think?

Too many syllables.


Legend says that
the man who takes

the petals of the red
lotus into his body

becomes gifted with
unimaginable powers.

His... his mind becomes a
physical weapon with no limits.

Anything he can imagine,
he can make happen.

If he pictures
you dead, you die.

If he sees a burning plane,
your flight bursts into flames.

If he pictures the whole world
worshipping him as a god,

it will.

You don't really
believe that, do you?

Well, I didn't, but then I
found the lotus growing out

of snow 20 feet deep,
500miles from the nearest

arable soil, just exactly as
the legend said it would be.

So you tell me,
Samantha, is Ed's

life, anyone's life,
worth more than keeping

this out of Wu's hands?

You know, Brain Smasher, you and I may have

been wrong about Miss Crain.

It wouldn't be the first
time a beautiful woman

used a man then deserted him
at his greatest hour of need.

What's your problem, Wu, huh?

What is it?

Your name... Wu?

That's what I whistle to
a girl down the street.

Hey, woo.

What kind of torture
is this, anyway?

If it's my mother,
tell her I'm on the way.


Why, Miss Crain, what
a pleasant surprise.

♪ ♪

Cheap theatrics, Miss Crain.

They're not cheap, Wu.

The Crain sisters...

we are doomed.

How you doing, Ed?

I'll tell you, Sam, uh...

I don't remember the last
time I had so much fun.

Like we agreed over the
phone, a straight trade...

Ed for the Red Lotus.

I still find it very difficult
to believe that you would

trade ultimate power for an Ed.

I hear Ed's got
his strong points.

You see that Wu.

I told you the chick digs me.

I got charm, class, charisma.

You know I got a
mirror above my bed

so I'm the first one I see
when I get up in the morning.


But, uh... unfortunately
Wu's right.

I'm not worth...

You know it.

I know it.

But my sister doesn't.

The Red Lotus now.

♪ ♪


And no tricks.

No tricks.

Just thought you'd want
to inspect the prize.

Happy now, Wu,
you got your flower?

What a bunch of
crap... ultimate power.

Very happy.



Brain Smasher.

Step back, Miss Crain.


You're going to have
his babies, right?

We just met.

I thought you
said you loved him.

Well, I'm not going to talk
about it right here, right now.

Well, I'm not giving
up the ultimate power

unless you say you do.

Just say it.

You love Ed.

Say it or Ed dies.

- Ah.
- OK.

I love Ed.

I love Ed.

And I want to be
Mrs. Ed, uh... uh...


Molloy, right.

I have you
outnumbered four to one.

Now set the flower down.

I'd say we're just about equal.


You used a gun.

That's right.

This isn't a Kung Fu movie.

Now you release Ed or I'll
blow your ninja butts to hell.


We are not ninjas.

If I say you're ninjas,
then you're ninjas.

Hey, Wu?




Sam, the gun.


♪ ♪

Hey, ninja?

We are not...

If my sister says you're a
ninja, you're a goddamn ninja.


What made you think you
could ever do this, Ed?

You are a loser.

Hey, ninja?

After this kick, Miss Crain,
you will need to earn

your living as a hand model.

Hey, Wu?

End of story, baby.

Brain Smasher.


You're going to be
part of the family?

Stop him.

I will destroy all of you.


How are you feeling, Wu?

Where is the power?

I'm a scientist, Wu.

I don't believe in
myths and magic.

2,250 years...

Hey, honey?

I get my face bashed
in for a bunch of bull?

Says who?

Says Madame Butterfly
over here, that's who says.

I slipped Wu a poisonous
stand in from the garden at St.


You gambled all our
lives on a fake flower?

It was a calculated risk.

Very clever.

I tell you what, why
don't we split a pedal?

Nobody's eating this, not
even the rats at the labs.

I'm going to win a decade's
worth of fully-funded research

for selling this to a museum.

I'm off to Burma.

Oh, what do I tell mom
and dad about Christmas?

Tell them it's on
the 25th of December.

You and Ed did good back there.

Yeah, for a model and a bouncer.

It's tough being a cliche.

♪ ♪

You OK?

Yeah, I'm all right.

I won't be doing any
bouncing for awhile, but I...

Sorry about your head.

You got nice
hands, you know that?

They're just hands.

Well, you know, I dated
chicks with like fat hands,

chunky fingers.

And I once dated a chick with
webbed fingers, you know?

But no, I mean it, you
really got nice hands.

You got nice everything,
especially your eyes.

You know why?

I look into your
eyes, I see someone

I could really care for.

Yeah, what was I
thinking, right?

You need me.

Famous model... you
could have any guy.

You've got guys
giving you $10,000

watches like they're nothing.



Me, Ed Molloy, bouncer,
Brain Smasher, right?

I mean...

You are as stupid as you look.

Is that what you think,
that I want watches?

Nobody ever said the
things you say to me.

I really like you.

Like me?

You said before you loved me.

I'd say anything
to save the world.

Oh, yeah?

Say it again, Sam.

I love you.

I love you.

♪ ♪

♪ You are the one ♪

♪ You are the one ♪

♪ Anything you want, I'll do for you ♪

♪ You drive me crazy ♪

♪ Under that perfect touch,
their lives in a tangle ♪

♪ Prisoner laid low by
love satisfy my hunger ♪

♪ Baby, you are the one
that I come home to ♪

♪ Nobody else has been
so good to me as you ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ You are the one ♪

♪ You are the one ♪

♪ Baby, you are the one
that I come home to ♪

♪ Nobody else feels so
good to me as you ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ You are the one ♪

♪ You are the one ♪