Brad Williams: Daddy Issues (2016) - full transcript

♪ Bluesy rock music ♪

♪ Energetic pop rock music ♪

- Southern California,
are you ready

to have a good time tonight?

Get excited,

make it loud,

for Brad Williams!

♪ Hard rock music ♪

- What's up!?

What's goin' on everybody!?

There's no way I
can live up to that,



but dammit, I'm gonna try!

Are you guys ready to party?

Are you guys ready to have

a lot of fuckin' fun tonight?

Good! Good!

I like havin' fun,
I like to party.

I don't know about you,

but when I party,
I like to drink.

One of the main reasons
I like to drink is

because I never
have to pay for it.

Ever.

'Cause everyone wants
to know what happens

when a dwarf gets drunk.

Right now you're thinking,
"I wonder what happens.



"I would really
like to know that."

And I know it's like
me and hot chicks,

me and hot chicks have
that thing in common

where we walk into the club
and everyone just looks

at us and goes, "We're gettin'
that fucked up tonight."

It's true, but I don't know why!

Because nothing happens
when I drink, nothing crazy.

Like I don't know if one of
your friends told you, like,

"No, man, you get
a midget drunk,

"they explode into gold coins.

"It's ridiculous,
like it's awesome."

Nothing happens!

Basically when I drink,
it's the same thing

as when a hot chick drinks.

I get very emotional,

I'll probably text an ex,

and by the end of the
night I might blow a dude.

I also say things when I'm drunk

that I would absolutely
never say sober

under any circumstances.

Like, not too long ago

I was watching a
game with my buddy,

and the team that
I put money on won.

I was very excited,

so I turned to my friend
and I said something to him

that I would never
say if I was sober.

I turn to him, I go, "Yeah!

"Chest bump!"

I should never say that
shit, I should never.

Why did I say that to my friend?

He's six foot two, okay?

He's six foot two.

I'm sorry to burst your bubble,

but I have tall friends, okay?

It's not like the midgets
get together every Sunday

under the tree stump
and watch football.

So he's six foot two,

but he's been my
friend for 20 years.

I'm not his dwarf buddy,

I'm not his little person pal,

I'm just Brad to him.

So I say chest bump,
he's been drinkin', too,

he's like, "Yeah!

"Chest bump!"

And then he jumped.

Why the fuck did he jump?

Why?

Why did you do, it was
already hard enough, okay?

I'm already staring at him like

♪ Climb every mountain ♪

It's not gonna go well.

You took something
very difficult

and then put something more
difficult at the end of it.

It's like putting a
math test at the end

of a Special Olympics
race or something.

Okay, if you didn't laugh
at that joke, fuck you.

Fuck you.

That is a great joke,

and I'm allowed
to make that joke

because I was in the Special
Olympics, goddamnit, okay?

Yes! Yes!

I was!

Yes!

I ran track in the
Special Olympics.

Now, if you have never
seen a midget run,

holy shit, you don't know
what you're missing out on.

It is unbelievable.

When a dwarf runs

the portal to heaven
opens right there.

'Cause the legs are just going
off in different directions

like that and it's just so cute.

But, because I was in the
Youth Special Olympics,

they didn't have everyone
of the same disability.

Also, if five dwarves
running at the same time,

everyone would just
die of a joygasm.

So...

It wasn't just little
people running,

it was all these different kids

with all these
different disabilities

like some sort of Make
a Wish all star team.

And, yeah, in the far lane
there was a kid on crutches.

Not worried about him.

I'm gonna kick his ass, okay?

No problem there.

Next to him was a
kid in a wheelchair.

What the, a wheelchair?

That's a performance enhancer.

What are you doing?

Unless there's
stairs on the track,

I'm losing to this guy, okay?

Then after that it was me,

then after that it was
a enhh fucker, okay?

What?

That's the politically
correct term.

That's what they like
to be referred to as.

They like to be
called enhh guys.

Okay? That's true.

And don't feel sorry for him.

Some of you are
feeling sorry for him.

What, feel sorry for me!

I'm the guy that's
gotta run in this event

while my dad is
up in the stands.

I'm looking at him like,
"Daddy, are you proud of me?"

He's like, "No, I'm
not proud of you!

"You're running next
to a enhh fucker.

"I'm not proud of you."

And he really wasn't proud of me

when enhh beat me, okay?

He beat me.

He cheated, thoughgh, he cheate!

His mom ran in front of
him holding a marshmallow

the entire time backwards.

So back to the chest bump.

So my buddy, six foot
two, chest bumps me.

You wanna know what happens

when a six foot two guy gives
a four foot guy a chest bump?

Four foot guy gets
a dick in the face,

that's what happens.

And you can't ignore
a dick in the face.

You can't just pause over it.

You can't skip it like
a fart during sex.

You can power through
a fart during sex.

You can be there like,
"All right, it's my,"

"Eye contact, do not inhale!"

You know what I mean?

But when that happens,

when that happens you
have to acknowledge it.

So me and my friend are
just staring at each other,

making eye contact.

No one knows what to say.

And then he finally looks
down at me and goes,

"My bad, dog."

Fuck you, my bad!

That is not a my bad moment.

If you knock over my beer, okay,

that is a my bad moment.

If you drag your cock

across my forehead,

you owe me a God
damn Hallmark card.

This is awesome.

This is cool.

I like this.

I knew, I knew that when I
was shooting my next special,

I had to come back home
to Southern California

where I was born and raised,

I had to do it here.

But I travel the country,

and I'll be honest with you,

one of the reasons that makes
Southern California great

is also what makes it shitty

because we have amazing
weather all the time.

But that makes us pussies, okay?

And we know.

We've all been there
like, "My God,

"I am not going outside today.

"It is 68 degrees outside.

"Are the schools even open?"

It's dumb.

But I'm one of you, so yeah,

bad weather freaks me out.

I was in New York
City not too long ago,

and they got a blizzard there.

They got a foot
and a half of snow

in one day, okay?

One fuckin' day, okay?

And I'm on stage
talkin' about it, like,

"There's a foot and a
half of snow outside."

The audience is like,
"Yeah, it's no big deal.

"It's like a foot
and a half of snow."

Like, "No, it's big deal."

"It's just a foot
and a half of snow."

"It's just a foot
and a half of snow."

I am four feet fucking
tall, all right?

That's a big deal for me!

Maybe not for you guys.

Maybe you guys walk around
in a foot and a half of snow,

you trip, you fall,
your knee gets wet,

you're like "God,
it's winter time!"

If I trip and fall in a foot
and a half of snow, I die.

You understand how that works?

I was scared, I went to one
of those sporting good stores

and I bought one of
those soccer flags.

And I just duct taped
that shit to my back.

Just walkin' around New York
City like this the entire time.

People were lookin' at me like,

"Brad, you look like a loser."

Don't give a shit,
I'm gonna live.

I travel a lot,
obviously, for my job.

It's fun, but,

sometimes stuff happens,

like last week I was on the road

and had a long flight.

I had the window seat and the
person next to me fell asleep,

so I couldn't get up to go to
the bathroom the entire time.

So when I landed, I really
had to go to the bathroom.

So I run to the
airport bathroom.

Now here's where we
come to a little bit

about some etiquette
that I don't think

a lot of the gentlemen in this
audience are aware of, okay?

Ladies, you can tune out.

This does not concern you.

Gentlemen, when you are
in a public bathroom,

stay the fuck away
from my urinal.

See, the men are laughing,

'cause they know what
urinal I'm talking about.

The women are like,
"He has a urinal?"

Yes, I do, I have a urinal.

In every single bathroom
across these United States,

it's required by law,

there's always two or three
urinals for way up here,

and there's always one that's
way the fuck down there.

That's mine, that is my urinal!

Do not use that urinal!

That is reserved for me,

that is reserved for your
five year old son Zachary,

and that is reserved for any man

with a two foot dick, okay?

That is all.

So...

Black guy's clappin', he's like,

"I can use that shit."

Anyway.

He can.

So I go to this bathroom,

now in this airport bathroom,

it's all open urinals.

It's a cornucopia of urinals.

One might even say they
have a plethora of urinals

and they're all wide open.

Only one is being taken up.

Guess which one urinal
is being taken up?

Mine! All right?

So now, I'm behind the guy,

I gotta do this sward
I-gotta-pee dance

like right behind him.

Now other people are
walking in the bathroom,

they see a dwarf dancing
right behind a guy.

You see a dwarf
dancing behind someone,

you think I'm casting a
spell on him or some shit.

And then I just had this moment

where I couldn't take anymore,

so I just looked at the dude,

I was like, "Excuse me sir!"

He turned around, and this
is exactly what he did,

no exaggeration.

He just turns around and goes,

"No fucking way."

Like all that was missing was
the Southwest Airline logo,

like, "Boop, wanna get away?"

Like that was it.

I was telling my friend
about this story,

he was like, "Brad,
why don't you

"just use a regular
size urinal?"

Listen, I would love to
use a regular sized urinal.

I don't possess the
muscle control necessary

to use the regular sized urinal.

If I use the regular
sized urinal,

I gotta be like,
pee, shut it off,

pee, shut it off,
pee, shut it off.

I can't do that.

I haven't done enough kegels.

But I was nice to the guy.

I just said, "Excuse me sir."

He turned around, that was it.

I'm not gonna be nice anymore.

I'm not.

If I ever go to a bathroom

and I see one of you tall fucks

and you are using my urinal,

I will go full R. Kelly
on your leg, all right?

But yeah, this is a fun job.

I love this job.

Only bad part about it is
you gotta travel a lot.

Like the past three years,

I been on the road
like 48 weeks a year.

So I get burned out.

I was so burned out,

that I took this other job

just to get away
from it for a bit.

I took a job as a DJ

in San Francisco, California
on a morning show.

Don't cheer.

I lasted six months,
then I got fired.

I will tell you
exactly what happened.

They might say something
different on Google.

This is what happened.

I was a morning
show DJ on this show,

I was the sports guy
on the morning show.

Obviously, you look at
me, you're like, "Yeah,

"there's a dude who
got picked first

"for every team growin' up."

I'm the sports guy.

While I was up there,

the San Francisco Giants
won the World Series.

Now, I don't like the
San Francisco Giants.

So I go on air the
next day, yeah!

I go on air the next day,

talk a bunch of shit about
the San Francisco Giants.

You know, make reference
to a couple players

that I know have been
cheating on their wives.

You know, classy stuff.

They don't like that.

The Giants team called
up the radio station,

just like, "If that
guy's not fired,

"suspended, or apologizes,

"we're pulling all our
funding from your station."

The station panics, they
call me to a meeting.

They're like, "Brad, you
gotta go on air tomorrow,

"say something nice
about the Giants."

I'm like, "Nope.

"Not gonna do that."

And they're like, "No?"

They're like, "No,
you gotta do it.

"Just go on air and
say something nice

I'm like, "That's
never gonna happen."

They're like, "What?

"'Cause you're from
Southern California

"and you're a Dodger fan?"

I'm like, "I am, but that
has nothing to do with it."

Nothing to do with it,
I'm a professional.

They go, "Well, why
don't you just say

"anything nice
about the Giants?"

It's like, "Because
I'm a fucking midget!

"I'm not gonna wear a jersey

"that says Giants
on it, asshole!"

Realize that?

I'm not gonna support something

that's been trying to
kill me my entire life.

No one else would do that ever.

A black guy would never wear
a jersey that says cops.

Okay, okay.

That's a good tester joke.

Good tester joke.

Some of you guys laughed,

some of you didn't, that's fine.

You don't have to laugh
at jokes you don't like,

that's fine.

But if you did not
laugh at that joke

I can tell you something
about yourself.

You're white.

Guarantee you.

Because black people
love that joke,

and black people love
racial jokes in general.

They're not afraid of
them like white people.

White people are scared
to tell racial jokes.

Black people aren't.

You've never seen a black
guy at his job like,

"Hey guys, I've got a..."

"Cracker joke to tell
you guys right now."

No!

A black guy will wait
until he is surrounded

by the maximum number
of crackers before

He'll call more over.

"Richard, get over here,
you're gonna love this shit."

Now white people, we hold it in.

We hold it in because we
know we can get in trouble.

So we walk around all day
with this voice in our heart,

like, "Don't say
shit, don't say shit,

"don't say shit,
don't say shit."

'Cause we know we
can get busted.

We can get fired.

You see it all the time,

people have to apologize
for what they say

about racial issues.

There's always some celebrity

who's gotta call a press
conference and be like,

"I'm sorry to the African
American community.

"I meant nothing when I
ordered the salmon blackened."

You get scared and
you hold it in.

White people hold it in, and
it effects other parts of life.

Even something
basic as laughter.

Because white people
never want to be caught

laughing at the wrong joke,

so we laugh like we have ADD,

it's just, "Ha ha!"

And we stop.

You ever seen a black
guy laugh like that?

Fuck no.

I love makin' black guys laugh.

You make a black guy laugh,

he puts everything
he has into it.

Body, soul.

Black people burn
calories when they laugh.

It is awesome.

You make a black
dude laugh it's like,

"Shit!"

"That is the funniest
thing I've ever heard

"in my God damn life!"

Try it, white people.

You'll like it.

Don't get me wrong,

you're gonna fuck it up
the first time you do it.

First time you'll be like,
"Golly gee willickers!"

"That was a humorous anecdote."

I just don't get

why we're not allowed to
talk about certain things.

It doesn't make any sense to me.

Because in my opinion, when
you talk about racial issues,

when you joke about it,
when you have discussion,

that's how you learn.

That's how you gain a
greater appreciation.

You do, that's how you learn
and appreciate other cultures.

Like right now, I
love Asian people.

I love Asian people right now.

Because two weeks ago,
yes, two weeks ago,

my Asian buddy called me up

and he asked me for
help to fix his iPhone.

Think about that
for a second, okay?

He asked me, he could
have asked his cousin.

His cousin built the
fucker, all right?

But he didn't, he asked me,

and that made me feel
good about myself,

made me feel good
about the Asian people.

And that's when I
realized, "My God,

"this is how we can end racism.

"If every group
just asks for help

"with something they're
supposed to be good at."

Then we'll all
support each other.

We'll build each
other up, right?

Appreciate each
others' cultures.

Like how much would
you love Indian people

if your Indian friend
just called you like,

"My God, you need to help me.

"You need to help me right now.

"I am telling you one
thing, now more than ever,

"I am in desperate need
of customer service."

"I don't know what to
do with my computer.

"I have tried everything
to fix my computer.

"I have turned it off, I
have turned it back on.

"I don't know what to do.

"If you could
please just help me,

"I would be ever so grateful.

"Wait, you are busy?

"I will hold."

Ha-ha!

But I understand
that it's difficult.

Because there's some groups

that you're allowed
to make fun of,

and other groups you
should never make fun of

under any circumstance
whatsoever.

And I know this dichotomy exists

'cause I know I'm
one of those groups

that's perfectly all
right to make fun of.

I am, I'm not mad about
that, I just want equality.

Like, most the time when people
make fun of little people,

they're not even
thinkin' about it.

Like, Hollywood does
it all the time.

Like, I went out for
a commercial audition

not too long ago.

It was for a
Christmas commercial,

and in my breakdown,

now breakdown for
an actor is details

about how they're supposed
to prepare for the role.

In my breakdown it said,

"Be sure to bring your own
elf costume from home."

From home!

What the fuck you
think is in my closet?

You think you go in my
house, open up it up,

it's just elf, elf, elf,
elf, elf, elf, elf, elf, elf.

Then the springtime.

Leprechaun,
leprechaun, leprechaun,

leprechaun,
leprechaun, leprechaun.

In the summer, I'll
dress like a gnome

if I'm feeling fancy.

Like, are you kidding me?

It's wrong.

It's fucked up, and it's wrong.

Don't kid yourself, I
do own an elf costume.

But it's,

you gotta work in this town.

It's just messed up
because they would never do

that to other groups, ever.

They would never be
like, "You're Asian,

"bring your wok."

You know what I mean?

"You're a black male,

"bring your illegitimate child."

They never do that.

All right?

Now, I actually like
when some people

don't laugh at that joke because
it helps me identify you.

And it helps me
identify the people

that I hate the
most in this world.

I'll tell you who they are.

Yeah.

Here's the people I hate.

And I don't mean hate like,
"I hate chocolate cake."

No, I mean I hate these
people, all right?

If you are one of these people

that gets offended on
behalf of another group,

eat a bag of dicks.

Just a bag of dicks.

Not the fun size bag, no,

the family size bag of dicks.

Just never stop shoving
dicks in your mouth.

Why do people do this?

Why?

Why do people care so much

about shit that has
nothing to do with them?

And the worst part is that they
think they're being so good.

They think they're
being a champion.

I hope you know that
when you get offended

on behalf of another group,

what you're doing is
infinitely times more racist

than whatever pissed you
off in the first place.

Because what you're doing is
you're turning to that group

and you're saying, "Hey,

"you're not smart enough to know

"you're being made
fun of right now.

"But don't worry, I know.

"I know you were made fun of,

"and I'm gonna do
something about it.

"No, no, no, don't
get up, don't get up,

"don't get up, don't get up.

"Stay there, I'll
handle it, I got this.

"Master race on three.

"One, two, three,
okay, there we go."

Why do people do this?

And I know they do this.

I had a woman come up to
me recently after a show.

Angry, pissed off.

"Brad, I was so offended when
you said the word midget."

I was like, "Right,

"because you have other family
members who are dwarfs."

"No."

"You have children that
are little people."

"No."

"Then why the fuck do you care?"

Why do you care?

This doesn't effect you, it
doesn't change your life.

I would understand if every
time I said the word midget

that was some sort
of call to arms

to all the little
people out there

to rise up and fight
our tall oppressors,

and then when you guys got home

there were midgets just
flying in your windows,

doing shoulder rolls, and
then drop kicking your puppy.

Okay, I would get that.

But literally nothing
happens to you.

And who the fuck
are you to tell me

what I can say
about my own people?

I hope you realize I've been
a midget my entire life.

All 32 years.

It's not like I
was six foot four,

you know, things
weren't going so well

so I hacked off a
couple of feet and said,

"Let's give this a shot."

That didn't happen.

Why do people care so much

about things that
don't affect them?

Why would any one give a shit

if weed is legal or not?

Listen, if you don't smoke weed?

Great, don't smoke weed.

But don't stop someone
else from doing it

'cause them doing that action
doesn't affect you whatsoever.

Same thing.

Same thing with gay marriage.

Listen, if you're not gay,

who gives a shit if gay
marriage is legal or not?

If two gay people get married,
didn't change your life.

Didn't affect you whatsoever.

Why do people give
a shit about that?

And why do people give a shit

when I drive in my car

and I sing every lyric
to Katy Perry's Firework?

Why?

I love that song.

That's a great song.

It's an inspirational song.

Helps me feel
better about myself.

Now I understand that joke
is not funny, all right?

It's not.

But I say it every night,

'cause one of these nights,

one of you people
in the audience,

you are going to know Katy Perry

and you are gonna tell
her about that joke.

She's gonna be
intrigued by that joke.

She is gonna wanna come
see one of my shows.

She's gonna laugh
at my comedy show.

She's gonna wanna
meet me afterward.

I will meet Katy Perry,

then I will finally get a chance
to motorboat them titties.

I'm not trying to do this
whole social change thing.

I just wanna get in there and go

"baby you're a firework".

That's it.

But these are the lessons that
people teach their kids now.

That's the scary part.

People are now teaching
this to their kids.

I see it.

'Cause I see how children react

when they see something
different like me

for the first time.

I'll tell you, it changes
based on the race of the kid.

It does, like, white kids suck.

Okay, I hate white
kids, they're the worst.

Fuck whitey, I hate 'em.

They're taught wrong.

White kids are taught,
"Okay, okay Trevor,

"we're going outside.

"Now if you see anything Trevor,

"just don't say anything.

"Just don't say
anything, Trevor.

"Just old it in, hold it here.

"Hold it right here in
your happy place, Trevor.

"Right here. Right here.

"If it starts to
hurt, don't worry.

"You can fart, you
can just fart, Trevor.

"You'll be fine."

So then the kids see
something different like me,

he wants to say
something, but he can't.

But he wants to, but he can't,

but he wants to, but he can't.

So he ends up just
pointing and gasping.

Until the mom just grabs
him by the head like,

"Don't look, honey,
he's special.

"He's special, honey."

Then you got the Mexican kids.

Now, yeah.

Now Mexican kids, y'all
are a little better,

you're a little better.

'Cause you say stuff,

but you say it in Spanish 'cause
you think I don't speak it.

It's like, sorry, I'm
from Southern California

where if you don't
speak Spanish,

you starve.

Okay?

So I speak Spanish.

I know what these little kids
are sayin' when they're like,

Until the mom
comes and hits him.

"Mijo, do not look
into his eyes.

"It's a chupacabra."

Fuck you!

See some of you are laughing
'cause you know what that is.

Some of the white
people are like,

"What's a chupacabra?"

"Can you order that
from Chipotle?"

But they're not my
favorite kids, no.

My favorite kids,
by far, black kids.

Black kids have got it.

'Cause they don't give a shit.

I love black kids,
'cause they see me,

they drop whatever the
fuck they're doin'.

They run across the
damn street just, "Hey!

"Hey!

"What the hell is
wrong with you?"

You think the dad is offended,

no, dad's right behind him.

"Yeah, what the hell is
wrong with your midget ass?"

"I got rims bigger than you."

Shit.

Basically, what I'm trying
to say, ladies and gentlemen,

the message behind my act,

if you can pull one lesson

from everything that I'm
saying tonight, here it is.

I want to be black.

I do, I want to be black!

It's a wonderful time,
it's a wonderful time

to be white in this country

but want to be black.

We found out last year

that if you're white
in this country

but you want to be black,

they'll let you be
president of the NAACP.

Yeah, we found that one out.

You know what I'm talking about?

Some of you are like,
"What the hell?"

I'll explain, it's
a doozy, all right?

In the great state of
Washington there lives a woman,

her name is Rachel Dolezal.

She is president of
her local chapter

of the NAACP,

National Association for the
Advancement of Colored People.

What a wonderful story.

Wait, I forgot one minor detail.

She white, okay?

She's white, and they
announce this on the news,

like, "A white woman
is running the NAACP."

And I'm like, "What?

"How did that happen?"

They're like, "She
fooled everyone.

"She fooled everyone.

"Nobody knew she was white."

I'm like, how did no
one know she was white?

Was she just like turning down

pumpkin spice
lattes every minute?

Like, "No, no."

Did she burn a pair of Uggs,

like how the fuck did no
one know she was white?

They're like, "She
changed her appearance.

"She looked black."

I'm like, "You can do that?"

The Robert Downey Jr. Tropic
Thunder surgery is real!

And they said, "Here, here's
what she looked like."

And they showed her picture.

You guys remember
seeing that picture?

Yeah, was anyone fooled
by that fucking picture?

No one was fooled by
that fucking picture.

I knew that was a white woman.

I could tell it
was a white woman,

'cause I looked at the hair.

The hair was a tell right there.

Now that's white hair.

You put a pencil in
that, it's falling out.

That's not black hair,
that's not black hair.

Stevie Wonder would have
looked at her and be like,

"That's a white bitch."

Then they made the announcement.

Rachel Dolezal is going to
appear on the Today Show,

and I'm like, "I'm
watchin' that."

So I watched it,
and they asked her,

"Why did you pose
as a black woman?"

Now if she had said
something along the lines of,

"Well, you know what?

"I did what I did because
I support black people,

"I respect black culture,

"and I felt that doing this
gave me the best opportunity

"to give back to
my own community."

If she said something
like that, I'd be like,

"You know what?

"Okay, I get it.

"Little weird, but
okay, I understand."

That's not what she said.

No, that's not what she said.

"Why did you pose
as a black woman?"

She did that, first of all.

And if you're trying to
pass as a black woman,

step one, don't
do that that shit.

Don't do, don't.

A black woman has never done
, never done that

in the history of man.

They might have thrown in a
- every now and then,

but never, that
is pure white suburban bitch

right there, it's pure.

"What do you
mean pose as a black woman?

"What do you mean,
I am a black woman.

"I am a black woman because
I identify as a black woman.

"Yes, I might be
black on the inside,

"but I am white on the outside.

"It's like a reverse
Oreo cookie."

People, we took the Caitlyn
Jenner shit too far, okay?

We did.

Now that's not me
seeing anything negative

against transgender people.

Please do not mix my words.

I support transgender
people because, my God,

if you're born one sex,

you live for a
while as that sex,

and you're like,
"You know what, no.

"This is not what
I'm supposed to be."

You wanna go through that
entire process to change,

you wanna go through
the hormone therapies,

have the plastic surgeries,

write that really awkward
email to your family,

"Hey, not gonna have a dick
anymore, Merry Christmas."

Like that's,

that's gotta be tough,
and I support you.

Especially if you're a dude
and you become a woman.

If you're a dude and
you become a woman,

they take it, okay?

They take it, and once
it's gone, it's gone.

It's gone!

It's not like tattoos, you're
like, "Tattoos are permanent."

Tattoos are not permanent.

You can get 'em lasered
off, covered up,

you can do all these different

sorts of things to your tattoos.

Can't do that, once
that's gone, it's gone.

There's no such thing as
a re-dick-otomy, okay,

like that's not happening.

So I'm not against
transgender people, no.

I'm against all the people

that ever since the
Caitlyn Jenner thing,

now they're hopping on this
I identify as bandwagon.

That's all you have to
say is, "I identify as,"

then whatever you
say after that,

we immediately have
to treat you as such,

no questions asked.

So you can be like, "I
identify as a black person."

We have to treat you
like a black person.

"I identify as a hamster."

We gotta get you a little
ball, little water bottle.

It's like, fine, as long
as we all get to do this,

ladies, I identify
as Channing Tatum.

Suck my dick, okay?

How 'bout that?

What? I can be Magic Mike.

I can be Magic Mike.

Check that shit out right there.

Yeah.

That's Magic Mike right there.

I am Magic Mike,

XXS.

But I still understand
what she's saying.

She wants to be black, great.

I want to be black, I
would love to be black.

I'm halfway there.

I'm halfway to being
black, 'cause check it out,

that is a black ass right there.

I don't care what you say.

That is a black ass.

Nikki Minaj got nothin' on me.

♪ My anaconda don't

♪ My anaconda don't ♪

That's a black ass.

But I want to be full,
I want to be 100%.

I want to be a black midget!

I'd be a nigglet.

White people, that
is the funniest joke

you can never tell
at work tomorrow.

You'll try, people
would be like,

"What'd you do last night?"

"My God, I saw this
comedian, Brad Williams,

"he's a little tiny
dude but he says

"he wants to be a black midget.

"He'd be called a."

"You should go see him
next time he's in town.

"That's what you should go do."

I get it, white people.

I get that I can say things
that a lot of you can't.

There's a reason why.

It's not because I'm a comedian.

It's not because I'm clever.

Here's why I can say
things that you can't.

I'm cute, okay, I'm very cute.

I'm downright adorable.

When you're adorable, you
just make things better.

Dwarves make everything better.

I made a car accident
better recently.

I did, true story.

I was talking with
my buddy, Adam,

and while we're talking,
outside his apartment,

this car is driving,
spins out of control,

slams into a light pole.

I freak out, I
look at Adam, I go,

"I'm gonna go help."

He looks at me and goes,

"What the fuck are
you going to do?"

He's right, what
the fuck would I do?

My people are not exactly
life savers, all right.

You've never been at the beach,

seen a dwarf lifeguard
see someone drowning,

put on two floaties,
and be like,

"I got this shit!"

Okay, that's never happened.

But I wasn't
thinking about that.

I just saw someone in trouble.

I knew they needed help.

I had to do something so I
start running across the street.

Now...

you have to see this from
the woman's perspective.

In her mind, she was
driving along normally,

having a great day,
all of the sudden,

she spins out of control,
she slams into a light pole.

She's all discombobulated
and then she just looks up

and sees me like.

Just barreling across the street

like I'm a retarded
Avenger, okay.

And then she has this moment

where everything
changed for her.

It switched, she was
depressed, obviously,

in a car accident,
traumatic experience.

Sees me, everything
goes the other way.

It's like, "My God,
what just happened to me?

"I was just in a car accident.

"What's going to
happen to my car?

"Is it wrecked, is it totaled?

"Is my insurance going to go up?

"Am I okay, do I have
to go to the hospital?"

Like what was going
through her mind?

Like I'm pretty sure I
get three wishes now!

I make everything better.

I made my own car
accident better.

Yes, I was in one
and it's embarrassing

because it was my fault.

I was an idiot, I was
texting while driving,

like a moron, head's down,
not paying attention.

All of a sudden, I look up,

nailed this dude's car.

Wrecked his car, wrecked my car.

We both get out of the
cars to assess the damage.

He looks and sees
me and just goes.

"Worth it!"

That happened to me.

Why did he say that?

What was he thinking?

"Well, hit a dwarf,
that's 25,000 points.

"I'm kicking ass right now."

I make everything better!

Stressful situations
like car accidents,

I make better.

I make boring things better,
like grocery shopping.

It's boring but we
all got to do it.

We all got to grocery shop.

You guys do it, I do it,

part of the human condition.

Nothing entertaining
about grocery shopping.

But if I buy one
box of Lucky Charms,

holy shit!

Could you imagine being
in a grocery store,

you look down the
aisle and just see me,

jammin' with my box
of Lucky Charms.

If you saw that, you'd be like,

"Fuck it, I'm buying
a lottery ticket.

"This is the greatest
day of my life."

I make everything better!

Stressful situations,
I make better.

My people make boring
situations better.

Hell, my people even
make porno better.

You're a freak, right there.

You're a freak.

I like you though, I like you.

Right now, look at all
the people that laughed

when I said make porn better,

because those people
have seen a midget porn.

They know the magic
that is midget porn.

If you have not seen
a midget porn before,

what the fuck are you
still doing here right now?

Go home to your
computers, type in

and enjoy that shit, okay.

It's awesome, it's amazing.

And I don't judge,
I don't judge you

if you watch porn, if
you watch midget porn

because in my opinion, your
porn should be a little weird.

It should be a little freaky.

It should be a little freaky.

Legal, it should be legal.

I don't want you guys
getting busted and be like,

"The dwarf said it was okay!"

No, I did not, I
did not say that.

But it should be a little
weird because porn,

yeah, porn is an
escape from real life.

You don't want to see
real life in your porn.

You don't want to see that.

You don't want to see what
sex actually is in your porno.

Reality sex, that's
two people banging

as quietly as they can
because their four-year-old

is sleeping in the
bedroom next to theirs.

I'm not getting off to, "Shh,
you're gonna wake the baby."

Okay, that's not hot to me.

No, porn is not about
what you can do.

Porn is about what you can't do,

what you want to do,

what you've always
fantasized about doing.

Like I would love
to watch a porno

of two people just
reaching shit.

Get it, get it,
top shelf, bitch!

I want that.

But people assume
I watch midget porn

and I don't.

I'll be honest
with you, I don't.

I don't judge you if you do

but why would I
watch midget porn?

My life is a midget porn.

If I wanted to
see a midget porn,

I would bang a girl
next to a mirror,

look left and go, "Alright!"

Okay, that's me.

That's not what I watch.

But we're all
friends, I'll tell you

what I like to watch.

Alright, I'll tell you.

This is honest too.

I like to watch black dudes
have sex with Asian women.

That's my thing.

Why do I feel like you're
all judging me right now?

Really, you're going to judge me

about what I like to watch
like you're holier than thou?

Like if I go through all
your browser histories,

all I'm going to find is
missionary with eye contact.

Are you kidding me?

No, I like to watch black dudes

have sex with Asian women

because for once in
my life when a dick

goes in a vagina, I
would like to hear, ""

I don't hear that.

I don't hear that,
I put my stuff in,

it's like, "Yeah!"

"Shit!"

You're supposed to
be afraid of it.

And would it kill you ladies,

would it kill you to
just fake it, okay?

I'm not talking
about the orgasm, no.

I already know you
fake the orgasm.

No, I'm talking about
faking your level

of cock respect.

Yes, cock respect.

Ladies, you have to
understand something.

When your man takes
his penis out for you

for the very first time, it's
an emotional moment, it is.

We don't know what
you're going to say.

We don't know how
you're going to react.

We don't know how we measure up

to the ghosts of penis past
that you've had in your life.

We don't know if you're
going to say something

when you see it,
like, "Is that it?"

And by the way, how
fucked up is that?

"Is that it?"

Like any man's ever
heard that and said,

"Actually no, I have more dick."

"Lucky for you, I always carry
some spare dick with me."

No, just...

Just give us a
little encouragement,

a little, "Attaboy."

Doesn't have to be crazy,
doesn't have to be insane.

You don't have to
win an Academy Award.

You don't have to
see it and be like,

"I have never seen a penis

"of such magnitude!"

Like, you don't have to do that.

You don't have to quote your
favorite movie line, like,

"Release the krakken."

Okay, you don't have to do that.

This is all you have to do.

All you have to
do the first time

your man takes his
penis out for you

just look at my face, I'm
going to show you what to do.

Okay, this is all you do.

See your man's dick,
this is what you do.

That's it, that's all
you got to do, right there.

Did you miss it?

I'll do it again, here you go.

That's it,
that's all you got to do.

If you do that, your
man's gonna be like,

"Yeah, she's afraid
of this dick!"

And then we'll fuck you better.

We will and I know I say that

and there's some women
in the audience like,

"Brad, why should I
do that for my man?

"My man would never do
anything like that for me."

Ha-ha!

Au contraire.

We already do something
like that for you, ladies.

We do, we're just
really good at it.

And you don't know we do it.

See, look at all
the women right now,

looking at me like,
"What the fuck do you do?

"What the fuck do you do?"

Don't worry, I'll tell you.

I'll tell you what we do.

Ladies, do you think
every titty is perfect?

No, they're not but guess what?

You'll never know.

You'll never know because no man

is ever going to do that to you.

No man, because we are,

we are always ecstatic
when we see the titties.

We are thrilled when
we see the titties.

We see the titties, we know
there's a damn good chance

that we're having
sex right after that.

So we are going to
say absolutely nothing

to fuck that situation up, okay.

Nothing, no man
has ever taken off

a woman's bra and
just went, "Nope!"

That's never happened, ever!

And ladies, there are some
fucked up titties out there.

There are some
fucked up titties.

Some of you women get
boob jobs and you get

like a lazy nipple, like
points off in that direction.

So like one titty
is really into sex.

The other one's like, "Hey,
what's on TV over there?"

Some of you women
have one, perfect,

wonderful, spectacular titty

then the other
one's like a little

Downs Syndrome titty,

just hangs on that
side like that.

If that's the case,
your man doesn't care.

We'll have fun
with the nice titty

then we'll have fun with
the Downs Syndrome titty.

We don't give a shit.

We'll even talk to it
in its own language.

"Hey, you guys!"

I know, I know.

I say that and a lot
of you are laughing.

There are some women just like,

"Brad, I get that
those are jokes

"but I'm serious, Brad,
men do not like my titties.

"They don't like
my titties, Brad,

"because I have
very small titties.

"I am the president of the
itty bitty titty committee

"and men don't like that,

"they don't like the
small titties, Brad."

Ladies, is that you?

Are you in the
audience right now,

concerned with a low self esteem

over the size of
your small titties?

Ladies, if that's
you, I have one piece

of advice for you
and this will work.

Have sex with me.

Okay, have sex with me.

Yes, I will make
you feel awesome

about your small titties

because I have small hands.

I make everything look
bigger, everything.

Alright.

I like this.

A lot of you are going
to go home tonight

and have sex after the show.

Great, alright, I want you to.

By yourself, that's fine,
that's fine, not judging.

That's fine but I want
you guys to have great sex

and ladies, just
understand that your man

is freaky, okay.

Whatever you think
about your man,

your man is freaky.

However freaky you
think your man is,

add two Jared from
Subways to that.

Okay, just

we're freaky.

We want to do some crazy shit.

Now, I know there's
a lot of women,

they're like, "No,
Brad, not my man."

Especially your man, my God.

I'm not worried about the guy

that's open with what
he likes sexually.

I'm not worried about
the guy that's like,

"Yeah, I like some bondage,
I like a little BDSM,

"little BBW, interracial,
I like that stuff."

I'm not worried about that guy.

I'm worried about
the guy that's like,

"I like nothing
unusual when it comes

"to things of a sexual nature."

That guy has a van
and a basement,

do not trust him,
do not trust him.

"My man is not freaky."

Fine, test it, test it ladies.

Next time you're having
sex with your man,

it's going to end, right?

And you know what
time that is, right?

You know, when the
guy gets a little

hitch in the giddy up, right.

Like he's all good
for a while, like,

"It's my pussy, it's
my."

Like that, he'll just do that.

And you know once you see,

once you see that, you're like,

"T minus 10 seconds
'til blastoff."

Like, you know that.

When that happens, your man
will say something to you.

At some point, he'll
look at you and be like,

"Baby, where do you
want me to come?"

Now, there is a thousand
answers to this question

but there's only one answer
you should never say,

under any circumstances.

Ladies, if your man says
that, you should never,

ever, ever look at
your man and be like,

"Anywhere you want to."

Never say that shit, ever.

Now, I know a lot of
women, you hear that

and you're like, "What,
if I say anywhere,

"he's just going
to come on my face

"because that's what
he sees in the pornos.

"It's stupid, I don't
know why all you men

"want to turn your women
into glazed donuts.

"It's dumb."

Yeah, we do want to do
that but you didn't say,

"On the face," you
said, "Anywhere."

And when you say anywhere,
the devil comes up

in the back of our heads.

We're like, "She said anywhere."

Then the angel pops up and says,

"Okay, so maybe just
like on her tits.

"Maybe just on her tits,
that's some place nice.

"She can block it, she
can like put it together

"so it's easy cleanup, like
you could do that right there.

"It's fun, it's nice, it's
easy, just on the tits."

"She said anywhere!"

"Okay, maybe on the
small of her back.

"Right there on the
small of her back,

"like I said before,
easy cleanup,

"small tattoo right there
for target practice.

"It's a pretty nice
spot, alright."

"She said anywhere!"

And we'll check with you,
we will check with you.

We'll always look at you like,

"Baby, did you say anywhere?"

If you look at us and be like,
"Yeah, anywhere you want,"

"Where's your sister?"

What?

What?

What?

Your sister's stomach
constitutes anywhere.

Why are you mad at me?

We're freaks, we're freaks.

But we hold it in.

I want you to know that
we hold in the freak.

That's how much we love you.

That's how much we love you,

when we hold in that
freak every night.

Do you know how hard
it is to do that?

Do you realize that
every time your man

has sex with you doggy style,
we're just looking down

and we want to put a
finger in that butt.

Okay, we want to,
how could we not?

It's been winking at
us the entire time.

We look down and see that,

we go right back to preschool,

like round peg, round hole.

We just want to do that.

Tonight, you have my permission.

Do that move,
fellas, do that move.

Hell yeah, it's a
great move, power move.

Lets her know who's back here.

A man's back here.

Right there, that's good.

A lot of you women
hate me right now

but don't worry.

Ladies, if your man
does that to you,

you can get a little revenge.

You can get the revenge, yeah.

Next time you're
down there, like,

"You thought
that was funny?"

Like that, and just
do that right there.

Right now, a lot of men
are looking at their women,

"You will not do that
to me later on tonight."

"Why not?"

"It doesn't feel good."

You're lying, it
feels amazing, okay.

Obviously, you've
never tried it.

Now, don't get me wrong ladies,

a lot of that depends on you.

If it feels good or
not, it depends on you.

It's not going to feel good

if you're too
aggressive with it.

You know, it's not
going to feel good

if you're just like,
"Comin' in hot!"

Like, that's not
going to feel good.

If you act like you just
dropped your engagement ring

down the disposer like,
"Where is that thing?"

Okay, like don't do
that, don't do that.

Here's how it feels good.

Just ladies, pretend like
you're playing a game of Jenga.

Yes, Jenga, the
tower game, right.

You can't knock the tower over.

You got to be sensitive.

You got to be very careful,
you got to be like,

"Alright, here we
go, here we go."

Right now, a couple
of guys are like,

"You can try that on me later.

"You can try that."

And there will
still be the guys,

the homophobic
guys who are like,

"No Brad, no, you put
a finger in the butt,

"that makes you gay,
that makes you gay!"

Really, do you
really think that?

You think somebody
can just make you gay?

Just out of nowhere,
just make you gay?

Like there's ever
been a situation

where a man is having
sex with a woman, like,

"I love pussy..."

♪ And cock ♪

♪ The hills are alive ♪

I know, I have a very
fucked up sense of humor.

I do, but you have to understand

where I get my
sense of humor from.

I get my sense of
humor from my family,

specifically my mom and dad.

Even more specifically, my dad.

Now, my parents are not dwarves.

What?

I know, I tell a
lot of people that

and sometimes,
they're like, "What?"

Because they don't
believe that tall people

can have dwarf children.

They like look at me,
and when they ask me,

"Hey Brad, where are
your mom and dad from?"

They think I'm going
to say, "Narnia."

It's not where they're from.

And there's no dwarves
in my family at all.

I am the only one so they
weren't expecting it.

So like my dad, he's this
really athletic dude,

tall, athletic
dude and he thought

his wife was going to give
birth to a football player.

Instead, she shot
out a football.

You gotta ask yourself,
what would you do

in that situation?

What would you do?

You found out your child
was a little bit different?

He wasn't going to be
like all the other kids,

what would you do?

How would you react if you knew

for a fact, your son was
guaranteed to be bullied

when he got to school?

Hopefully, you do
what my dad did.

He bullied me first.

But he did it in a
very awesome way.

He would make fun of me
and then he would tell me,

"Alright, hit me back, hit
me back with something.

"That's what you're going to do.

"Some kid's going
to come up to you.

"He's going to make fun of you.

"What are you gonna do?

"You gonna cry about it?

"No, not my son.

"You're going to make him
regret saying that to you.

"You're going to make
him cry about it,

"that's what you're
going to do."

So he molded me, he trained me,

he prepared me like
Yoda and Luke Skywalker.

The sizes were reversed,
but you get the idea.

So by the time I
got to kindergarten,

I was a trained verbal assassin.

I walked into kindergarten
with some swag,

like, "I hope someone
fucks with me today."

And someone did.

Someone did fuck with me,
I will never forget this.

First day of school,
we're all lined up, right.

And we're taking roll.

This kid runs out of line in
front of the entire class,

runs right up to me, points
his finger in my face,

and goes, "Ha ha,
you're little."

I looked at him and went,

"Ha ha, your mom doesn't
live with your dad anymore."

Tears, tears, tears.

I live in California,
I had a 50/50 shot

of getting that one right.

So he starts crying, I get
sent to the principal's office.

I'm sitting there in the office.

It's me, it's the
principal, it's the kid.

Kid's still crying
because he's a bitch.

And the principal looks
at me and he goes,

"I can't believe
you made him cry.

"I'm calling your father."

"Do it."

"Alright, I'll do it."

So he gets the phone out,

he calls my dad, gets
my dad out of work,

and says, "Mr. Williams, I'm
here with your son, Brad.

"He's in my office
today because he made

"another little
boy cry at school.

"What do you have
to say about that?"

Here's what my dad said.

He goes, "Did he start
it or did he finish it?"

Yeah.

I see.

I see the old school
parents clapping right now

because you know
what that means.

Some of the younger
parents are like,

"What, what are
you talking about?

"Did he start it or
did he finish it,

"it doesn't matter, it
doesn't matter, Brad.

"Both children made
fun of each other.

"They should both
be punished equally.

"They should be put in time out,

"should be put in
time out, Brad.

"Time out means they can't use
their Xbox for three minutes.

"It's not good, they'll
think about what they did

"and then, and then
they'll be done

"and they'll want
to learn something

"and they'll want to go outside.

"Now, before they
go outside though,

"it's very scary
outside so you wanna

"dip your child in
a big vat of Purell,

"just dip them in that Purell.

"There's no germs on
them but you know,

"they could fall so you want
to be prepared for that.

"So you put a helmet on them,

"you put some wrist
pads, some elbow pads,

"some knee pads and then,

"if they play
competitive sports,

"even if they get last place,

"you can't hurt their
self esteem so if

"you give them a
three-foot tall trophy

"and at the bottom of it,
it says You're Special."

Fuck you, fuck you!

Stop it, stop it!

That's not what you do!

Did you start it or
did you finish it?

Because you're never
ever, ever supposed to

start a fight but
if you're in one,

you better damn well
finish that thing.

That's the rule.

If you start,

if you start a fight,
you're an asshole.

If you finish it,
you're a goddamned hero.

That's the difference.

So my dad says that to him

and the principal goes,
"Well to be honest with you,

"he finished it,"
and my dad says this,

on the speaker phone, he goes,

"Well the problem
with your school

"is not my son, the
problem with your school

"is the other kid's a pussy."

Click, hangs up.

I'm dancing around the office.

"That's my dad, that's my dad!"

And then I look
at the other kid.

I'm like, "You see,
that's what a father does.

"You would have no idea
what a father does."

Finish him.

Dad was proud of me that day.

I got Chuck E. Cheese that day.

Awesome.

Now, don't think that just
because I had that moment

that my parents' job was done.

Because if you're
a parent, you know

you never stop being a parent

so my dad never stopped
fucking with me, okay.

Never, he even had
to discipline me

in a creative way
because he's old school,

he wanted to discipline me
because I would mess up.

Just like any kid messes up.

My dad, like he wanted to hit me

but you can't punch a dwarf, no,

that's, that's 12
years bad luck,

like you're not doing that.

So my dad never hit me.

Here's what he would do.

When I would mess up,
my dad would pick me up,

put me on a counter,
and then leave.

Some of you get it.

Some of you are like,
"What's the big deal?"

Well, five foot
counter, two foot human.

Unless you leave a parachute,

I'm not going
anywhere for a while.

One time at Christmas,
I knocked over

the Christmas tree.

Dad got mad, picked me
up, put me on the counter,

called in my sister, was like,

"Hey Katie, Katie, Katie,

"come here, check it
out, look what I got.

"Elf on a shelf."

16th birthday, my
dad wakes me up

on my birthday,
"Happy birthday, son.

"I bought you a car."

Yeah!

I run downstairs, run
through the kitchen,

get to the garage, open it up,

Fisher Price Power Wheels
sitting right there

in the damn garage.

Hey, I lived a block and
half away from school.

I still drove that
thing to school.

I had the first electric
car, I was a visionary.

Now, I tell those
stories about my father

and a lot of you have
the appropriate reaction.

You laugh.

Some of you, some of
you get that look.

I know that look.

I say those stories
and you're like,"

"Brad, that's, that's so sad.

"Your father made fun of you.

"What do you think
that did to you, Brad?"

Made me a man, shut the fuck up.

Shut up.

I thank God every day that
my dad made fun of me.

I'm so thankful that he put a
little adversity in my life.

That way, I knew how to
conquer adversity later.

You have to ask
yourself one question.

Who do you want your kid to be?

Do you want your kid to
be ready for the world

that is or the world
that should be?

Now, in the world
that should be,

there should be no murder,
there should be no rape,

there should be no
ISIS, there should be

no Justin Bieber,

but that's not the
world we live in.

We live in a world
where unfortunately,

all those things do exist so
who do you want your kid to be?

Do you want your
kid to be the person

that's never had anything
go wrong for them, ever?

Smooth sailing the entire way?

Never had anything wrong,

never got hurt,
never got a bruise,

just running down the
street every day, just

♪ Sunshine and lollipops ♪

No, you don't want that kid.

Because when something
does happen to that kid,

and it will, that kid's not
going to know what to do.

People want to protect
their children from life

and to some extent,
you have to do that

but you have to let a little in

because you're never
going to be able

to protect them forever.

Life, ladies and gentlemen,
has an undefeated record.

No one has gone through this
thing unscathed, no one.

My family got ours
about two years ago.

Two years ago, my dad came home

and announced to the family
that he had skin cancer.

And we knew, as a family, like,

"Alright, we got
to deal with this."

And we started dealing with it.

And then when my dad had to have

part of his face removed
for plastic surgery

and try to get that
cancer off his face,

that didn't work and
we had to regroup.

Then when he went through
radiation treatment,

that didn't work,
we had to regroup.

Then he had to go
through chemotherapy

and I had to watch
the man who raised me,

the man who I loved
more than anything

in this world whither
away to almost nothing

but I was never
truly scared because

my dad raised me to never fear

anything in this
world more than him.

I knew nothing on this
planet was scarier

than my dad, nothing is
more powerful than my dad.

I know this, my
sister knows this,

and now cancer knows it

because he beat
that son of a bitch.

You want to know how he did it?

Ask him, because my
father is sitting

right here in the second row.

Thank you, thank
you for teaching me.

Thank you for teaching
me never to quit.

Thank you for teaching
me to be a man

and hopefully be the man

that you could be proud of.

And now, it is my
dream, it is my goal

to one day have son.

Don't get me wrong, he's
going to be taller than me.

That scares the fuck out of me.

But one day, I want
to have that moment

with my son where we're arguing,

just like any
father and son does,

and we're having that
moment and we're arguing

and we're getting pissed off.

It happens in every household.

It is my dream that
one day, my son

will look down at
me and get mad at me

and pick me up and
put me on a counter

and be like, "Grandpa
taught me that one, bitch."

Thank you guys very much
for being a part of this.

Thank you.

♪ Bluesy rock music ♪

And thank you to
UCI Medical Center

for keeping my dad
alive, I love you guys.

Thank you.

♪ Bluesy rock music ♪

- Give it up for Brad Williams!

♪ Bluesy rock music ♪

- Alright, showtime,
we got an audience.

We just need a comedian.

One comedian.

- I am a professional
stand up comedian

and I would love to go on stage.

- I don't think so.

- Okay, you just said
you needed a comedian

and I'm here, I'm ready
to go so what do you mean?

- Alright, look, let's just
see how you size up, okay.

- Size up?

- Yeah, see, the sign says
must be below this line

to go on stage, so.

- Is this for real?

Are you serious?

I'm a professional
stand up comedian.

I've been in movies, okay.

I co-host a popular
About Last Night podcast.

Heard of it?

- Yeah, you're too big, sorry.

- Okay, well, I'm
small where it counts.

If that's helpful.

- Okay sir, can you just
step to the side please?

- This is bullshit!

A line is going to determine
whether I go on stage or not?

- Yes.

The sign says must be
below this line, okay.

If the sign said must
be wearing body spray

that smells like a dragon farted

on a glass of Mountain
Dew, you would be perfect.

- Okay, I take offense to that.

Vin Diesel is a
good friend of mine

and his cologne, okay,
is very expensive.

- Hey, I heard you
needed a comedian.

- Yes, yes, perfect.

Let's see how you
measure up right here.

- Sure, sure.

- Yes, perfect.

- Awesome, let's do this.

Nice cologne.

- See?
- Alright, we're ready.

- That was a cute jump.

- Adorable.

- I fucked him, this is weird.

This isn't weird though.

It's weird.

♪ Upbeat music ♪