Brad Williams: Daddy Issues (2016) - full transcript

♪ Bluesy rock music ♪

♪ Energetic pop rock music ♪

- Southern California,

are you ready

to have a good time tonight?

Get excited,

make it loud,

for Brad Williams!

♪ Hard rock music ♪

- What's up!?

What's goin' on everybody!?

There's no way I

can live up to that,

but dammit, I'm gonna try!

Are you guys ready to party?

Are you guys ready to have

a lot of fuckin' fun tonight?

Good! Good!

I like havin' fun,

I like to party.

I don't know about you,

but when I party,

I like to drink.

One of the main reasons

I like to drink is

because I never

have to pay for it.

Ever.

'Cause everyone wants

to know what happens

when a dwarf gets drunk.

Right now you're thinking,

"I wonder what happens.

"I would really

like to know that."

And I know it's like

me and hot chicks,

me and hot chicks have

that thing in common

where we walk into the club

and everyone just looks

at us and goes, "We're gettin'

that fucked up tonight."

It's true, but I don't know why!

Because nothing happens

when I drink, nothing crazy.

Like I don't know if one of

your friends told you, like,

"No, man, you get

a midget drunk,

"they explode into gold coins.

"It's ridiculous,

like it's awesome."

Nothing happens!

Basically when I drink,

it's the same thing

as when a hot chick drinks.

I get very emotional,

I'll probably text an ex,

and by the end of the

night I might blow a dude.

I also say things when I'm drunk

that I would absolutely

never say sober

under any circumstances.

Like, not too long ago

I was watching a

game with my buddy,

and the team that

I put money on won.

I was very excited,

so I turned to my friend

and I said something to him

that I would never

say if I was sober.

I turn to him, I go, "Yeah!

"Chest bump!"

I should never say that

shit, I should never.

Why did I say that to my friend?

He's six foot two, okay?

He's six foot two.

I'm sorry to burst your bubble,

but I have tall friends, okay?

It's not like the midgets

get together every Sunday

under the tree stump

and watch football.

So he's six foot two,

but he's been my

friend for 20 years.

I'm not his dwarf buddy,

I'm not his little person pal,

I'm just Brad to him.

So I say chest bump,

he's been drinkin', too,

he's like, "Yeah!

"Chest bump!"

And then he jumped.

Why the fuck did he jump?

Why?

Why did you do, it was

already hard enough, okay?

I'm already staring at him like

♪ Climb every mountain ♪

It's not gonna go well.

You took something

very difficult

and then put something more

difficult at the end of it.

It's like putting a

math test at the end

of a Special Olympics

race or something.

Okay, if you didn't laugh

at that joke, fuck you.

Fuck you.

That is a great joke,

and I'm allowed

to make that joke

because I was in the Special

Olympics, goddamnit, okay?

Yes! Yes!

I was!

Yes!

I ran track in the

Special Olympics.

Now, if you have never

seen a midget run,

holy shit, you don't know

what you're missing out on.

It is unbelievable.

When a dwarf runs

the portal to heaven

opens right there.

'Cause the legs are just going

off in different directions

like that and it's just so cute.

But, because I was in the

Youth Special Olympics,

they didn't have everyone

of the same disability.

Also, if five dwarves

running at the same time,

everyone would just

die of a joygasm.

So...

It wasn't just little

people running,

it was all these different kids

with all these

different disabilities

like some sort of Make

a Wish all star team.

And, yeah, in the far lane

there was a kid on crutches.

Not worried about him.

I'm gonna kick his ass, okay?

No problem there.

Next to him was a

kid in a wheelchair.

What the, a wheelchair?

That's a performance enhancer.

What are you doing?

Unless there's

stairs on the track,

I'm losing to this guy, okay?

Then after that it was me,

then after that it was

a enhh fucker, okay?

What?

That's the politically

correct term.

That's what they like

to be referred to as.

They like to be

called enhh guys.

Okay? That's true.

And don't feel sorry for him.

Some of you are

feeling sorry for him.

What, feel sorry for me!

I'm the guy that's

gotta run in this event

while my dad is

up in the stands.

I'm looking at him like,

"Daddy, are you proud of me?"

He's like, "No, I'm

not proud of you!

"You're running next

to a enhh fucker.

"I'm not proud of you."

And he really wasn't proud of me

when enhh beat me, okay?

He beat me.

He cheated, thoughgh, he cheate!

His mom ran in front of

him holding a marshmallow

the entire time backwards.

So back to the chest bump.

So my buddy, six foot

two, chest bumps me.

You wanna know what happens

when a six foot two guy gives

a four foot guy a chest bump?

Four foot guy gets

a dick in the face,

that's what happens.

And you can't ignore

a dick in the face.

You can't just pause over it.

You can't skip it like

a fart during sex.

You can power through

a fart during sex.

You can be there like,

"All right, it's my,"

"Eye contact, do not inhale!"

You know what I mean?

But when that happens,

when that happens you

have to acknowledge it.

So me and my friend are

just staring at each other,

making eye contact.

No one knows what to say.

And then he finally looks

down at me and goes,

"My bad, dog."

Fuck you, my bad!

That is not a my bad moment.

If you knock over my beer, okay,

that is a my bad moment.

If you drag your cock

across my forehead,

you owe me a God

damn Hallmark card.

This is awesome.

This is cool.

I like this.

I knew, I knew that when I

was shooting my next special,

I had to come back home

to Southern California

where I was born and raised,

I had to do it here.

But I travel the country,

and I'll be honest with you,

one of the reasons that makes

Southern California great

is also what makes it shitty

because we have amazing

weather all the time.

But that makes us pussies, okay?

And we know.

We've all been there

like, "My God,

"I am not going outside today.

"It is 68 degrees outside.

"Are the schools even open?"

It's dumb.

But I'm one of you, so yeah,

bad weather freaks me out.

I was in New York

City not too long ago,

and they got a blizzard there.

They got a foot

and a half of snow

in one day, okay?

One fuckin' day, okay?

And I'm on stage

talkin' about it, like,

"There's a foot and a

half of snow outside."

The audience is like,

"Yeah, it's no big deal.

"It's like a foot

and a half of snow."

Like, "No, it's big deal."

"It's just a foot

and a half of snow."

"It's just a foot

and a half of snow."

I am four feet fucking

tall, all right?

That's a big deal for me!

Maybe not for you guys.

Maybe you guys walk around

in a foot and a half of snow,

you trip, you fall,

your knee gets wet,

you're like "God,

it's winter time!"

If I trip and fall in a foot

and a half of snow, I die.

You understand how that works?

I was scared, I went to one

of those sporting good stores

and I bought one of

those soccer flags.

And I just duct taped

that shit to my back.

Just walkin' around New York

City like this the entire time.

People were lookin' at me like,

"Brad, you look like a loser."

Don't give a shit,

I'm gonna live.

I travel a lot,

obviously, for my job.

It's fun, but,

sometimes stuff happens,

like last week I was on the road

and had a long flight.

I had the window seat and the

person next to me fell asleep,

so I couldn't get up to go to

the bathroom the entire time.

So when I landed, I really

had to go to the bathroom.

So I run to the

airport bathroom.

Now here's where we

come to a little bit

about some etiquette

that I don't think

a lot of the gentlemen in this

audience are aware of, okay?

Ladies, you can tune out.

This does not concern you.

Gentlemen, when you are

in a public bathroom,

stay the fuck away

from my urinal.

See, the men are laughing,

'cause they know what

urinal I'm talking about.

The women are like,

"He has a urinal?"

Yes, I do, I have a urinal.

In every single bathroom

across these United States,

it's required by law,

there's always two or three

urinals for way up here,

and there's always one that's

way the fuck down there.

That's mine, that is my urinal!

Do not use that urinal!

That is reserved for me,

that is reserved for your

five year old son Zachary,

and that is reserved for any man

with a two foot dick, okay?

That is all.

So...

Black guy's clappin', he's like,

"I can use that shit."

Anyway.

He can.

So I go to this bathroom,

now in this airport bathroom,

it's all open urinals.

It's a cornucopia of urinals.

One might even say they

have a plethora of urinals

and they're all wide open.

Only one is being taken up.

Guess which one urinal

is being taken up?

Mine! All right?

So now, I'm behind the guy,

I gotta do this sward

I-gotta-pee dance

like right behind him.

Now other people are

walking in the bathroom,

they see a dwarf dancing

right behind a guy.

You see a dwarf

dancing behind someone,

you think I'm casting a

spell on him or some shit.

And then I just had this moment

where I couldn't take anymore,

so I just looked at the dude,

I was like, "Excuse me sir!"

He turned around, and this

is exactly what he did,

no exaggeration.

He just turns around and goes,

"No fucking way."

Like all that was missing was

the Southwest Airline logo,

like, "Boop, wanna get away?"

Like that was it.

I was telling my friend

about this story,

he was like, "Brad,

why don't you

"just use a regular

size urinal?"

Listen, I would love to

use a regular sized urinal.

I don't possess the

muscle control necessary

to use the regular sized urinal.

If I use the regular

sized urinal,

I gotta be like,

pee, shut it off,

pee, shut it off,

pee, shut it off.

I can't do that.

I haven't done enough kegels.

But I was nice to the guy.

I just said, "Excuse me sir."

He turned around, that was it.

I'm not gonna be nice anymore.

I'm not.

If I ever go to a bathroom

and I see one of you tall fucks

and you are using my urinal,

I will go full R. Kelly

on your leg, all right?

But yeah, this is a fun job.

I love this job.

Only bad part about it is

you gotta travel a lot.

Like the past three years,

I been on the road

like 48 weeks a year.

So I get burned out.

I was so burned out,

that I took this other job

just to get away

from it for a bit.

I took a job as a DJ

in San Francisco, California

on a morning show.

Don't cheer.

I lasted six months,

then I got fired.

I will tell you

exactly what happened.

They might say something

different on Google.

This is what happened.

I was a morning

show DJ on this show,

I was the sports guy

on the morning show.

Obviously, you look at

me, you're like, "Yeah,

"there's a dude who

got picked first

"for every team growin' up."

I'm the sports guy.

While I was up there,

the San Francisco Giants

won the World Series.

Now, I don't like the

San Francisco Giants.

So I go on air the

next day, yeah!

I go on air the next day,

talk a bunch of shit about

the San Francisco Giants.

You know, make reference

to a couple players

that I know have been

cheating on their wives.

You know, classy stuff.

They don't like that.

The Giants team called

up the radio station,

just like, "If that

guy's not fired,

"suspended, or apologizes,

"we're pulling all our

funding from your station."

The station panics, they

call me to a meeting.

They're like, "Brad, you

gotta go on air tomorrow,

"say something nice

about the Giants."

I'm like, "Nope.

"Not gonna do that."

And they're like, "No?"

They're like, "No,

you gotta do it.

"Just go on air and

say something nice

I'm like, "That's

never gonna happen."

They're like, "What?

"'Cause you're from

Southern California

"and you're a Dodger fan?"

I'm like, "I am, but that

has nothing to do with it."

Nothing to do with it,

I'm a professional.

They go, "Well, why

don't you just say

"anything nice

about the Giants?"

It's like, "Because

I'm a fucking midget!

"I'm not gonna wear a jersey

"that says Giants

on it, asshole!"

Realize that?

I'm not gonna support something

that's been trying to

kill me my entire life.

No one else would do that ever.

A black guy would never wear

a jersey that says cops.

Okay, okay.

That's a good tester joke.

Good tester joke.

Some of you guys laughed,

some of you didn't, that's fine.

You don't have to laugh

at jokes you don't like,

that's fine.

But if you did not

laugh at that joke

I can tell you something

about yourself.

You're white.

Guarantee you.

Because black people

love that joke,

and black people love

racial jokes in general.

They're not afraid of

them like white people.

White people are scared

to tell racial jokes.

Black people aren't.

You've never seen a black

guy at his job like,

"Hey guys, I've got a..."

"Cracker joke to tell

you guys right now."

No!

A black guy will wait

until he is surrounded

by the maximum number

of crackers before

He'll call more over.

"Richard, get over here,

you're gonna love this shit."

Now white people, we hold it in.

We hold it in because we

know we can get in trouble.

So we walk around all day

with this voice in our heart,

like, "Don't say

shit, don't say shit,

"don't say shit,

don't say shit."

'Cause we know we

can get busted.

We can get fired.

You see it all the time,

people have to apologize

for what they say

about racial issues.

There's always some celebrity

who's gotta call a press

conference and be like,

"I'm sorry to the African

American community.

"I meant nothing when I

ordered the salmon blackened."

You get scared and

you hold it in.

White people hold it in, and

it effects other parts of life.

Even something

basic as laughter.

Because white people

never want to be caught

laughing at the wrong joke,

so we laugh like we have ADD,

it's just, "Ha ha!"

And we stop.

You ever seen a black

guy laugh like that?

Fuck no.

I love makin' black guys laugh.

You make a black guy laugh,

he puts everything

he has into it.

Body, soul.

Black people burn

calories when they laugh.

It is awesome.

You make a black

dude laugh it's like,

"Shit!"

"That is the funniest

thing I've ever heard

"in my God damn life!"

Try it, white people.

You'll like it.

Don't get me wrong,

you're gonna fuck it up

the first time you do it.

First time you'll be like,

"Golly gee willickers!"

"That was a humorous anecdote."

I just don't get

why we're not allowed to

talk about certain things.

It doesn't make any sense to me.

Because in my opinion, when

you talk about racial issues,

when you joke about it,

when you have discussion,

that's how you learn.

That's how you gain a

greater appreciation.

You do, that's how you learn

and appreciate other cultures.

Like right now, I

love Asian people.

I love Asian people right now.

Because two weeks ago,

yes, two weeks ago,

my Asian buddy called me up

and he asked me for

help to fix his iPhone.

Think about that

for a second, okay?

He asked me, he could

have asked his cousin.

His cousin built the

fucker, all right?

But he didn't, he asked me,

and that made me feel

good about myself,

made me feel good

about the Asian people.

And that's when I

realized, "My God,

"this is how we can end racism.

"If every group

just asks for help

"with something they're

supposed to be good at."

Then we'll all

support each other.

We'll build each

other up, right?

Appreciate each

others' cultures.

Like how much would

you love Indian people

if your Indian friend

just called you like,

"My God, you need to help me.

"You need to help me right now.

"I am telling you one

thing, now more than ever,

"I am in desperate need

of customer service."

"I don't know what to

do with my computer.

"I have tried everything

to fix my computer.

"I have turned it off, I

have turned it back on.

"I don't know what to do.

"If you could

please just help me,

"I would be ever so grateful.

"Wait, you are busy?

"I will hold."

Ha-ha!

But I understand

that it's difficult.

Because there's some groups

that you're allowed

to make fun of,

and other groups you

should never make fun of

under any circumstance

whatsoever.

And I know this dichotomy exists

'cause I know I'm

one of those groups

that's perfectly all

right to make fun of.

I am, I'm not mad about

that, I just want equality.

Like, most the time when people

make fun of little people,

they're not even

thinkin' about it.

Like, Hollywood does

it all the time.

Like, I went out for

a commercial audition

not too long ago.

It was for a

Christmas commercial,

and in my breakdown,

now breakdown for

an actor is details

about how they're supposed

to prepare for the role.

In my breakdown it said,

"Be sure to bring your own

elf costume from home."

From home!

What the fuck you

think is in my closet?

You think you go in my

house, open up it up,

it's just elf, elf, elf,

elf, elf, elf, elf, elf, elf.

Then the springtime.

Leprechaun,

leprechaun, leprechaun,

leprechaun,

leprechaun, leprechaun.

In the summer, I'll

dress like a gnome

if I'm feeling fancy.

Like, are you kidding me?

It's wrong.

It's fucked up, and it's wrong.

Don't kid yourself, I

do own an elf costume.

But it's,

you gotta work in this town.

It's just messed up

because they would never do

that to other groups, ever.

They would never be

like, "You're Asian,

"bring your wok."

You know what I mean?

"You're a black male,

"bring your illegitimate child."

They never do that.

All right?

Now, I actually like

when some people

don't laugh at that joke because

it helps me identify you.

And it helps me

identify the people

that I hate the

most in this world.

I'll tell you who they are.

Yeah.

Here's the people I hate.

And I don't mean hate like,

"I hate chocolate cake."

No, I mean I hate these

people, all right?

If you are one of these people

that gets offended on

behalf of another group,

eat a bag of dicks.

Just a bag of dicks.

Not the fun size bag, no,

the family size bag of dicks.

Just never stop shoving

dicks in your mouth.

Why do people do this?

Why?

Why do people care so much

about shit that has

nothing to do with them?

And the worst part is that they

think they're being so good.

They think they're

being a champion.

I hope you know that

when you get offended

on behalf of another group,

what you're doing is

infinitely times more racist

than whatever pissed you

off in the first place.

Because what you're doing is

you're turning to that group

and you're saying, "Hey,

"you're not smart enough to know

"you're being made

fun of right now.

"But don't worry, I know.

"I know you were made fun of,

"and I'm gonna do

something about it.

"No, no, no, don't

get up, don't get up,

"don't get up, don't get up.

"Stay there, I'll

handle it, I got this.

"Master race on three.

"One, two, three,

okay, there we go."

Why do people do this?

And I know they do this.

I had a woman come up to

me recently after a show.

Angry, pissed off.

"Brad, I was so offended when

you said the word midget."

I was like, "Right,

"because you have other family

members who are dwarfs."

"No."

"You have children that

are little people."

"No."

"Then why the fuck do you care?"

Why do you care?

This doesn't effect you, it

doesn't change your life.

I would understand if every

time I said the word midget

that was some sort

of call to arms

to all the little

people out there

to rise up and fight

our tall oppressors,

and then when you guys got home

there were midgets just

flying in your windows,

doing shoulder rolls, and

then drop kicking your puppy.

Okay, I would get that.

But literally nothing

happens to you.

And who the fuck

are you to tell me

what I can say

about my own people?

I hope you realize I've been

a midget my entire life.

All 32 years.

It's not like I

was six foot four,

you know, things

weren't going so well

so I hacked off a

couple of feet and said,

"Let's give this a shot."

That didn't happen.

Why do people care so much

about things that

don't affect them?

Why would any one give a shit

if weed is legal or not?

Listen, if you don't smoke weed?

Great, don't smoke weed.

But don't stop someone

else from doing it

'cause them doing that action

doesn't affect you whatsoever.

Same thing.

Same thing with gay marriage.

Listen, if you're not gay,

who gives a shit if gay

marriage is legal or not?

If two gay people get married,

didn't change your life.

Didn't affect you whatsoever.

Why do people give

a shit about that?

And why do people give a shit

when I drive in my car

and I sing every lyric

to Katy Perry's Firework?

Why?

I love that song.

That's a great song.

It's an inspirational song.

Helps me feel

better about myself.

Now I understand that joke

is not funny, all right?

It's not.

But I say it every night,

'cause one of these nights,

one of you people

in the audience,

you are going to know Katy Perry

and you are gonna tell

her about that joke.

She's gonna be

intrigued by that joke.

She is gonna wanna come

see one of my shows.

She's gonna laugh

at my comedy show.

She's gonna wanna

meet me afterward.

I will meet Katy Perry,

then I will finally get a chance

to motorboat them titties.

I'm not trying to do this

whole social change thing.

I just wanna get in there and go

"baby you're a firework".

That's it.

But these are the lessons that

people teach their kids now.

That's the scary part.

People are now teaching

this to their kids.

I see it.

'Cause I see how children react

when they see something

different like me

for the first time.

I'll tell you, it changes

based on the race of the kid.

It does, like, white kids suck.

Okay, I hate white

kids, they're the worst.

Fuck whitey, I hate 'em.

They're taught wrong.

White kids are taught,

"Okay, okay Trevor,

"we're going outside.

"Now if you see anything Trevor,

"just don't say anything.

"Just don't say

anything, Trevor.

"Just old it in, hold it here.

"Hold it right here in

your happy place, Trevor.

"Right here. Right here.

"If it starts to

hurt, don't worry.

"You can fart, you

can just fart, Trevor.

"You'll be fine."

So then the kids see

something different like me,

he wants to say

something, but he can't.

But he wants to, but he can't,

but he wants to, but he can't.

So he ends up just

pointing and gasping.

Until the mom just grabs

him by the head like,

"Don't look, honey,

he's special.

"He's special, honey."

Then you got the Mexican kids.

Now, yeah.

Now Mexican kids, y'all

are a little better,

you're a little better.

'Cause you say stuff,

but you say it in Spanish 'cause

you think I don't speak it.

It's like, sorry, I'm

from Southern California

where if you don't

speak Spanish,

you starve.

Okay?

So I speak Spanish.

I know what these little kids

are sayin' when they're like,

Until the mom

comes and hits him.

"Mijo, do not look

into his eyes.

"It's a chupacabra."

Fuck you!

See some of you are laughing

'cause you know what that is.

Some of the white

people are like,

"What's a chupacabra?"

"Can you order that

from Chipotle?"

But they're not my

favorite kids, no.

My favorite kids,

by far, black kids.

Black kids have got it.

'Cause they don't give a shit.

I love black kids,

'cause they see me,

they drop whatever the

fuck they're doin'.

They run across the

damn street just, "Hey!

"Hey!

"What the hell is

wrong with you?"

You think the dad is offended,

no, dad's right behind him.

"Yeah, what the hell is

wrong with your midget ass?"

"I got rims bigger than you."

Shit.

Basically, what I'm trying

to say, ladies and gentlemen,

the message behind my act,

if you can pull one lesson

from everything that I'm

saying tonight, here it is.

I want to be black.

I do, I want to be black!

It's a wonderful time,

it's a wonderful time

to be white in this country

but want to be black.

We found out last year

that if you're white

in this country

but you want to be black,

they'll let you be

president of the NAACP.

Yeah, we found that one out.

You know what I'm talking about?

Some of you are like,

"What the hell?"

I'll explain, it's

a doozy, all right?

In the great state of

Washington there lives a woman,

her name is Rachel Dolezal.

She is president of

her local chapter

of the NAACP,

National Association for the

Advancement of Colored People.

What a wonderful story.

Wait, I forgot one minor detail.

She white, okay?

She's white, and they

announce this on the news,

like, "A white woman

is running the NAACP."

And I'm like, "What?

"How did that happen?"

They're like, "She

fooled everyone.

"She fooled everyone.

"Nobody knew she was white."

I'm like, how did no

one know she was white?

Was she just like turning down

pumpkin spice

lattes every minute?

Like, "No, no."

Did she burn a pair of Uggs,

like how the fuck did no

one know she was white?

They're like, "She

changed her appearance.

"She looked black."

I'm like, "You can do that?"

The Robert Downey Jr. Tropic

Thunder surgery is real!

And they said, "Here, here's

what she looked like."

And they showed her picture.

You guys remember

seeing that picture?

Yeah, was anyone fooled

by that fucking picture?

No one was fooled by

that fucking picture.

I knew that was a white woman.

I could tell it

was a white woman,

'cause I looked at the hair.

The hair was a tell right there.

Now that's white hair.

You put a pencil in

that, it's falling out.

That's not black hair,

that's not black hair.

Stevie Wonder would have

looked at her and be like,

"That's a white bitch."

Then they made the announcement.

Rachel Dolezal is going to

appear on the Today Show,

and I'm like, "I'm

watchin' that."

So I watched it,

and they asked her,

"Why did you pose

as a black woman?"

Now if she had said

something along the lines of,

"Well, you know what?

"I did what I did because

I support black people,

"I respect black culture,

"and I felt that doing this

gave me the best opportunity

"to give back to

my own community."

If she said something

like that, I'd be like,

"You know what?

"Okay, I get it.

"Little weird, but

okay, I understand."

That's not what she said.

No, that's not what she said.

"Why did you pose

as a black woman?"

She did that, first of all.

And if you're trying to

pass as a black woman,

step one, don't

do that that shit.

Don't do, don't.

A black woman has never done

, never done that

in the history of man.

They might have thrown in a

- every now and then,

but never, that

is pure white suburban bitch

right there, it's pure.

"What do you

mean pose as a black woman?

"What do you mean,

I am a black woman.

"I am a black woman because

I identify as a black woman.

"Yes, I might be

black on the inside,

"but I am white on the outside.

"It's like a reverse

Oreo cookie."

People, we took the Caitlyn

Jenner shit too far, okay?

We did.

Now that's not me

seeing anything negative

against transgender people.

Please do not mix my words.

I support transgender

people because, my God,

if you're born one sex,

you live for a

while as that sex,

and you're like,

"You know what, no.

"This is not what

I'm supposed to be."

You wanna go through that

entire process to change,

you wanna go through

the hormone therapies,

have the plastic surgeries,

write that really awkward

email to your family,

"Hey, not gonna have a dick

anymore, Merry Christmas."

Like that's,

that's gotta be tough,

and I support you.

Especially if you're a dude

and you become a woman.

If you're a dude and

you become a woman,

they take it, okay?

They take it, and once

it's gone, it's gone.

It's gone!

It's not like tattoos, you're

like, "Tattoos are permanent."

Tattoos are not permanent.

You can get 'em lasered

off, covered up,

you can do all these different

sorts of things to your tattoos.

Can't do that, once

that's gone, it's gone.

There's no such thing as

a re-dick-otomy, okay,

like that's not happening.

So I'm not against

transgender people, no.

I'm against all the people

that ever since the

Caitlyn Jenner thing,

now they're hopping on this

I identify as bandwagon.

That's all you have to

say is, "I identify as,"

then whatever you

say after that,

we immediately have

to treat you as such,

no questions asked.

So you can be like, "I

identify as a black person."

We have to treat you

like a black person.

"I identify as a hamster."

We gotta get you a little

ball, little water bottle.

It's like, fine, as long

as we all get to do this,

ladies, I identify

as Channing Tatum.

Suck my dick, okay?

How 'bout that?

What? I can be Magic Mike.

I can be Magic Mike.

Check that shit out right there.

Yeah.

That's Magic Mike right there.

I am Magic Mike,

XXS.

But I still understand

what she's saying.

She wants to be black, great.

I want to be black, I

would love to be black.

I'm halfway there.

I'm halfway to being

black, 'cause check it out,

that is a black ass right there.

I don't care what you say.

That is a black ass.

Nikki Minaj got nothin' on me.

♪ My anaconda don't

♪ My anaconda don't ♪

That's a black ass.

But I want to be full,

I want to be 100%.

I want to be a black midget!

I'd be a nigglet.

White people, that

is the funniest joke

you can never tell

at work tomorrow.

You'll try, people

would be like,

"What'd you do last night?"

"My God, I saw this

comedian, Brad Williams,

"he's a little tiny

dude but he says

"he wants to be a black midget.

"He'd be called a."

"You should go see him

next time he's in town.

"That's what you should go do."

I get it, white people.

I get that I can say things

that a lot of you can't.

There's a reason why.

It's not because I'm a comedian.

It's not because I'm clever.

Here's why I can say

things that you can't.

I'm cute, okay, I'm very cute.

I'm downright adorable.

When you're adorable, you

just make things better.

Dwarves make everything better.

I made a car accident

better recently.

I did, true story.

I was talking with

my buddy, Adam,

and while we're talking,

outside his apartment,

this car is driving,

spins out of control,

slams into a light pole.

I freak out, I

look at Adam, I go,

"I'm gonna go help."

He looks at me and goes,

"What the fuck are

you going to do?"

He's right, what

the fuck would I do?

My people are not exactly

life savers, all right.

You've never been at the beach,

seen a dwarf lifeguard

see someone drowning,

put on two floaties,

and be like,

"I got this shit!"

Okay, that's never happened.

But I wasn't

thinking about that.

I just saw someone in trouble.

I knew they needed help.

I had to do something so I

start running across the street.

Now...

you have to see this from

the woman's perspective.

In her mind, she was

driving along normally,

having a great day,

all of the sudden,

she spins out of control,

she slams into a light pole.

She's all discombobulated

and then she just looks up

and sees me like.

Just barreling across the street

like I'm a retarded

Avenger, okay.

And then she has this moment

where everything

changed for her.

It switched, she was

depressed, obviously,

in a car accident,

traumatic experience.

Sees me, everything

goes the other way.

It's like, "My God,

what just happened to me?

"I was just in a car accident.

"What's going to

happen to my car?

"Is it wrecked, is it totaled?

"Is my insurance going to go up?

"Am I okay, do I have

to go to the hospital?"

Like what was going

through her mind?

Like I'm pretty sure I

get three wishes now!

I make everything better.

I made my own car

accident better.

Yes, I was in one

and it's embarrassing

because it was my fault.

I was an idiot, I was

texting while driving,

like a moron, head's down,

not paying attention.

All of a sudden, I look up,

nailed this dude's car.

Wrecked his car, wrecked my car.

We both get out of the

cars to assess the damage.

He looks and sees

me and just goes.

"Worth it!"

That happened to me.

Why did he say that?

What was he thinking?

"Well, hit a dwarf,

that's 25,000 points.

"I'm kicking ass right now."

I make everything better!

Stressful situations

like car accidents,

I make better.

I make boring things better,

like grocery shopping.

It's boring but we

all got to do it.

We all got to grocery shop.

You guys do it, I do it,

part of the human condition.

Nothing entertaining

about grocery shopping.

But if I buy one

box of Lucky Charms,

holy shit!

Could you imagine being

in a grocery store,

you look down the

aisle and just see me,

jammin' with my box

of Lucky Charms.

If you saw that, you'd be like,

"Fuck it, I'm buying

a lottery ticket.

"This is the greatest

day of my life."

I make everything better!

Stressful situations,

I make better.

My people make boring

situations better.

Hell, my people even

make porno better.

You're a freak, right there.

You're a freak.

I like you though, I like you.

Right now, look at all

the people that laughed

when I said make porn better,

because those people

have seen a midget porn.

They know the magic

that is midget porn.

If you have not seen

a midget porn before,

what the fuck are you

still doing here right now?

Go home to your

computers, type in

and enjoy that shit, okay.

It's awesome, it's amazing.

And I don't judge,

I don't judge you

if you watch porn, if

you watch midget porn

because in my opinion, your

porn should be a little weird.

It should be a little freaky.

It should be a little freaky.

Legal, it should be legal.

I don't want you guys

getting busted and be like,

"The dwarf said it was okay!"

No, I did not, I

did not say that.

But it should be a little

weird because porn,

yeah, porn is an

escape from real life.

You don't want to see

real life in your porn.

You don't want to see that.

You don't want to see what

sex actually is in your porno.

Reality sex, that's

two people banging

as quietly as they can

because their four-year-old

is sleeping in the

bedroom next to theirs.

I'm not getting off to, "Shh,

you're gonna wake the baby."

Okay, that's not hot to me.

No, porn is not about

what you can do.

Porn is about what you can't do,

what you want to do,

what you've always

fantasized about doing.

Like I would love

to watch a porno

of two people just

reaching shit.

Get it, get it,

top shelf, bitch!

I want that.

But people assume

I watch midget porn

and I don't.

I'll be honest

with you, I don't.

I don't judge you if you do

but why would I

watch midget porn?

My life is a midget porn.

If I wanted to

see a midget porn,

I would bang a girl

next to a mirror,

look left and go, "Alright!"

Okay, that's me.

That's not what I watch.

But we're all

friends, I'll tell you

what I like to watch.

Alright, I'll tell you.

This is honest too.

I like to watch black dudes

have sex with Asian women.

That's my thing.

Why do I feel like you're

all judging me right now?

Really, you're going to judge me

about what I like to watch

like you're holier than thou?

Like if I go through all

your browser histories,

all I'm going to find is

missionary with eye contact.

Are you kidding me?

No, I like to watch black dudes

have sex with Asian women

because for once in

my life when a dick

goes in a vagina, I

would like to hear, ""

I don't hear that.

I don't hear that,

I put my stuff in,

it's like, "Yeah!"

"Shit!"

You're supposed to

be afraid of it.

And would it kill you ladies,

would it kill you to

just fake it, okay?

I'm not talking

about the orgasm, no.

I already know you

fake the orgasm.

No, I'm talking about

faking your level

of cock respect.

Yes, cock respect.

Ladies, you have to

understand something.

When your man takes

his penis out for you

for the very first time, it's

an emotional moment, it is.

We don't know what

you're going to say.

We don't know how

you're going to react.

We don't know how we measure up

to the ghosts of penis past

that you've had in your life.

We don't know if you're

going to say something

when you see it,

like, "Is that it?"

And by the way, how

fucked up is that?

"Is that it?"

Like any man's ever

heard that and said,

"Actually no, I have more dick."

"Lucky for you, I always carry

some spare dick with me."

No, just...

Just give us a

little encouragement,

a little, "Attaboy."

Doesn't have to be crazy,

doesn't have to be insane.

You don't have to

win an Academy Award.

You don't have to

see it and be like,

"I have never seen a penis

"of such magnitude!"

Like, you don't have to do that.

You don't have to quote your

favorite movie line, like,

"Release the krakken."

Okay, you don't have to do that.

This is all you have to do.

All you have to

do the first time

your man takes his

penis out for you

just look at my face, I'm

going to show you what to do.

Okay, this is all you do.

See your man's dick,

this is what you do.

That's it, that's all

you got to do, right there.

Did you miss it?

I'll do it again, here you go.

That's it,

that's all you got to do.

If you do that, your

man's gonna be like,

"Yeah, she's afraid

of this dick!"

And then we'll fuck you better.

We will and I know I say that

and there's some women

in the audience like,

"Brad, why should I

do that for my man?

"My man would never do

anything like that for me."

Ha-ha!

Au contraire.

We already do something

like that for you, ladies.

We do, we're just

really good at it.

And you don't know we do it.

See, look at all

the women right now,

looking at me like,

"What the fuck do you do?

"What the fuck do you do?"

Don't worry, I'll tell you.

I'll tell you what we do.

Ladies, do you think

every titty is perfect?

No, they're not but guess what?

You'll never know.

You'll never know because no man

is ever going to do that to you.

No man, because we are,

we are always ecstatic

when we see the titties.

We are thrilled when

we see the titties.

We see the titties, we know

there's a damn good chance

that we're having

sex right after that.

So we are going to

say absolutely nothing

to fuck that situation up, okay.

Nothing, no man

has ever taken off

a woman's bra and

just went, "Nope!"

That's never happened, ever!

And ladies, there are some

fucked up titties out there.

There are some

fucked up titties.

Some of you women get

boob jobs and you get

like a lazy nipple, like

points off in that direction.

So like one titty

is really into sex.

The other one's like, "Hey,

what's on TV over there?"

Some of you women

have one, perfect,

wonderful, spectacular titty

then the other

one's like a little

Downs Syndrome titty,

just hangs on that

side like that.

If that's the case,

your man doesn't care.

We'll have fun

with the nice titty

then we'll have fun with

the Downs Syndrome titty.

We don't give a shit.

We'll even talk to it

in its own language.

"Hey, you guys!"

I know, I know.

I say that and a lot

of you are laughing.

There are some women just like,

"Brad, I get that

those are jokes

"but I'm serious, Brad,

men do not like my titties.

"They don't like

my titties, Brad,

"because I have

very small titties.

"I am the president of the

itty bitty titty committee

"and men don't like that,

"they don't like the

small titties, Brad."

Ladies, is that you?

Are you in the

audience right now,

concerned with a low self esteem

over the size of

your small titties?

Ladies, if that's

you, I have one piece

of advice for you

and this will work.

Have sex with me.

Okay, have sex with me.

Yes, I will make

you feel awesome

about your small titties

because I have small hands.

I make everything look

bigger, everything.

Alright.

I like this.

A lot of you are going

to go home tonight

and have sex after the show.

Great, alright, I want you to.

By yourself, that's fine,

that's fine, not judging.

That's fine but I want

you guys to have great sex

and ladies, just

understand that your man

is freaky, okay.

Whatever you think

about your man,

your man is freaky.

However freaky you

think your man is,

add two Jared from

Subways to that.

Okay, just

we're freaky.

We want to do some crazy shit.

Now, I know there's

a lot of women,

they're like, "No,

Brad, not my man."

Especially your man, my God.

I'm not worried about the guy

that's open with what

he likes sexually.

I'm not worried about

the guy that's like,

"Yeah, I like some bondage,

I like a little BDSM,

"little BBW, interracial,

I like that stuff."

I'm not worried about that guy.

I'm worried about

the guy that's like,

"I like nothing

unusual when it comes

"to things of a sexual nature."

That guy has a van

and a basement,

do not trust him,

do not trust him.

"My man is not freaky."

Fine, test it, test it ladies.

Next time you're having

sex with your man,

it's going to end, right?

And you know what

time that is, right?

You know, when the

guy gets a little

hitch in the giddy up, right.

Like he's all good

for a while, like,

"It's my pussy, it's

my."

Like that, he'll just do that.

And you know once you see,

once you see that, you're like,

"T minus 10 seconds

'til blastoff."

Like, you know that.

When that happens, your man

will say something to you.

At some point, he'll

look at you and be like,

"Baby, where do you

want me to come?"

Now, there is a thousand

answers to this question

but there's only one answer

you should never say,

under any circumstances.

Ladies, if your man says

that, you should never,

ever, ever look at

your man and be like,

"Anywhere you want to."

Never say that shit, ever.

Now, I know a lot of

women, you hear that

and you're like, "What,

if I say anywhere,

"he's just going

to come on my face

"because that's what

he sees in the pornos.

"It's stupid, I don't

know why all you men

"want to turn your women

into glazed donuts.

"It's dumb."

Yeah, we do want to do

that but you didn't say,

"On the face," you

said, "Anywhere."

And when you say anywhere,

the devil comes up

in the back of our heads.

We're like, "She said anywhere."

Then the angel pops up and says,

"Okay, so maybe just

like on her tits.

"Maybe just on her tits,

that's some place nice.

"She can block it, she

can like put it together

"so it's easy cleanup, like

you could do that right there.

"It's fun, it's nice, it's

easy, just on the tits."

"She said anywhere!"

"Okay, maybe on the

small of her back.

"Right there on the

small of her back,

"like I said before,

easy cleanup,

"small tattoo right there

for target practice.

"It's a pretty nice

spot, alright."

"She said anywhere!"

And we'll check with you,

we will check with you.

We'll always look at you like,

"Baby, did you say anywhere?"

If you look at us and be like,

"Yeah, anywhere you want,"

"Where's your sister?"

What?

What?

What?

Your sister's stomach

constitutes anywhere.

Why are you mad at me?

We're freaks, we're freaks.

But we hold it in.

I want you to know that

we hold in the freak.

That's how much we love you.

That's how much we love you,

when we hold in that

freak every night.

Do you know how hard

it is to do that?

Do you realize that

every time your man

has sex with you doggy style,

we're just looking down

and we want to put a

finger in that butt.

Okay, we want to,

how could we not?

It's been winking at

us the entire time.

We look down and see that,

we go right back to preschool,

like round peg, round hole.

We just want to do that.

Tonight, you have my permission.

Do that move,

fellas, do that move.

Hell yeah, it's a

great move, power move.

Lets her know who's back here.

A man's back here.

Right there, that's good.

A lot of you women

hate me right now

but don't worry.

Ladies, if your man

does that to you,

you can get a little revenge.

You can get the revenge, yeah.

Next time you're

down there, like,

"You thought

that was funny?"

Like that, and just

do that right there.

Right now, a lot of men

are looking at their women,

"You will not do that

to me later on tonight."

"Why not?"

"It doesn't feel good."

You're lying, it

feels amazing, okay.

Obviously, you've

never tried it.

Now, don't get me wrong ladies,

a lot of that depends on you.

If it feels good or

not, it depends on you.

It's not going to feel good

if you're too

aggressive with it.

You know, it's not

going to feel good

if you're just like,

"Comin' in hot!"

Like, that's not

going to feel good.

If you act like you just

dropped your engagement ring

down the disposer like,

"Where is that thing?"

Okay, like don't do

that, don't do that.

Here's how it feels good.

Just ladies, pretend like

you're playing a game of Jenga.

Yes, Jenga, the

tower game, right.

You can't knock the tower over.

You got to be sensitive.

You got to be very careful,

you got to be like,

"Alright, here we

go, here we go."

Right now, a couple

of guys are like,

"You can try that on me later.

"You can try that."

And there will

still be the guys,

the homophobic

guys who are like,

"No Brad, no, you put

a finger in the butt,

"that makes you gay,

that makes you gay!"

Really, do you

really think that?

You think somebody

can just make you gay?

Just out of nowhere,

just make you gay?

Like there's ever

been a situation

where a man is having

sex with a woman, like,

"I love pussy..."

♪ And cock ♪

♪ The hills are alive ♪

I know, I have a very

fucked up sense of humor.

I do, but you have to understand

where I get my

sense of humor from.

I get my sense of

humor from my family,

specifically my mom and dad.

Even more specifically, my dad.

Now, my parents are not dwarves.

What?

I know, I tell a

lot of people that

and sometimes,

they're like, "What?"

Because they don't

believe that tall people

can have dwarf children.

They like look at me,

and when they ask me,

"Hey Brad, where are

your mom and dad from?"

They think I'm going

to say, "Narnia."

It's not where they're from.

And there's no dwarves

in my family at all.

I am the only one so they

weren't expecting it.

So like my dad, he's this

really athletic dude,

tall, athletic

dude and he thought

his wife was going to give

birth to a football player.

Instead, she shot

out a football.

You gotta ask yourself,

what would you do

in that situation?

What would you do?

You found out your child

was a little bit different?

He wasn't going to be

like all the other kids,

what would you do?

How would you react if you knew

for a fact, your son was

guaranteed to be bullied

when he got to school?

Hopefully, you do

what my dad did.

He bullied me first.

But he did it in a

very awesome way.

He would make fun of me

and then he would tell me,

"Alright, hit me back, hit

me back with something.

"That's what you're going to do.

"Some kid's going

to come up to you.

"He's going to make fun of you.

"What are you gonna do?

"You gonna cry about it?

"No, not my son.

"You're going to make him

regret saying that to you.

"You're going to make

him cry about it,

"that's what you're

going to do."

So he molded me, he trained me,

he prepared me like

Yoda and Luke Skywalker.

The sizes were reversed,

but you get the idea.

So by the time I

got to kindergarten,

I was a trained verbal assassin.

I walked into kindergarten

with some swag,

like, "I hope someone

fucks with me today."

And someone did.

Someone did fuck with me,

I will never forget this.

First day of school,

we're all lined up, right.

And we're taking roll.

This kid runs out of line in

front of the entire class,

runs right up to me, points

his finger in my face,

and goes, "Ha ha,

you're little."

I looked at him and went,

"Ha ha, your mom doesn't

live with your dad anymore."

Tears, tears, tears.

I live in California,

I had a 50/50 shot

of getting that one right.

So he starts crying, I get

sent to the principal's office.

I'm sitting there in the office.

It's me, it's the

principal, it's the kid.

Kid's still crying

because he's a bitch.

And the principal looks

at me and he goes,

"I can't believe

you made him cry.

"I'm calling your father."

"Do it."

"Alright, I'll do it."

So he gets the phone out,

he calls my dad, gets

my dad out of work,

and says, "Mr. Williams, I'm

here with your son, Brad.

"He's in my office

today because he made

"another little

boy cry at school.

"What do you have

to say about that?"

Here's what my dad said.

He goes, "Did he start

it or did he finish it?"

Yeah.

I see.

I see the old school

parents clapping right now

because you know

what that means.

Some of the younger

parents are like,

"What, what are

you talking about?

"Did he start it or

did he finish it,

"it doesn't matter, it

doesn't matter, Brad.

"Both children made

fun of each other.

"They should both

be punished equally.

"They should be put in time out,

"should be put in

time out, Brad.

"Time out means they can't use

their Xbox for three minutes.

"It's not good, they'll

think about what they did

"and then, and then

they'll be done

"and they'll want

to learn something

"and they'll want to go outside.

"Now, before they

go outside though,

"it's very scary

outside so you wanna

"dip your child in

a big vat of Purell,

"just dip them in that Purell.

"There's no germs on

them but you know,

"they could fall so you want

to be prepared for that.

"So you put a helmet on them,

"you put some wrist

pads, some elbow pads,

"some knee pads and then,

"if they play

competitive sports,

"even if they get last place,

"you can't hurt their

self esteem so if

"you give them a

three-foot tall trophy

"and at the bottom of it,

it says You're Special."

Fuck you, fuck you!

Stop it, stop it!

That's not what you do!

Did you start it or

did you finish it?

Because you're never

ever, ever supposed to

start a fight but

if you're in one,

you better damn well

finish that thing.

That's the rule.

If you start,

if you start a fight,

you're an asshole.

If you finish it,

you're a goddamned hero.

That's the difference.

So my dad says that to him

and the principal goes,

"Well to be honest with you,

"he finished it,"

and my dad says this,

on the speaker phone, he goes,

"Well the problem

with your school

"is not my son, the

problem with your school

"is the other kid's a pussy."

Click, hangs up.

I'm dancing around the office.

"That's my dad, that's my dad!"

And then I look

at the other kid.

I'm like, "You see,

that's what a father does.

"You would have no idea

what a father does."

Finish him.

Dad was proud of me that day.

I got Chuck E. Cheese that day.

Awesome.

Now, don't think that just

because I had that moment

that my parents' job was done.

Because if you're

a parent, you know

you never stop being a parent

so my dad never stopped

fucking with me, okay.

Never, he even had

to discipline me

in a creative way

because he's old school,

he wanted to discipline me

because I would mess up.

Just like any kid messes up.

My dad, like he wanted to hit me

but you can't punch a dwarf, no,

that's, that's 12

years bad luck,

like you're not doing that.

So my dad never hit me.

Here's what he would do.

When I would mess up,

my dad would pick me up,

put me on a counter,

and then leave.

Some of you get it.

Some of you are like,

"What's the big deal?"

Well, five foot

counter, two foot human.

Unless you leave a parachute,

I'm not going

anywhere for a while.

One time at Christmas,

I knocked over

the Christmas tree.

Dad got mad, picked me

up, put me on the counter,

called in my sister, was like,

"Hey Katie, Katie, Katie,

"come here, check it

out, look what I got.

"Elf on a shelf."

16th birthday, my

dad wakes me up

on my birthday,

"Happy birthday, son.

"I bought you a car."

Yeah!

I run downstairs, run

through the kitchen,

get to the garage, open it up,

Fisher Price Power Wheels

sitting right there

in the damn garage.

Hey, I lived a block and

half away from school.

I still drove that

thing to school.

I had the first electric

car, I was a visionary.

Now, I tell those

stories about my father

and a lot of you have

the appropriate reaction.

You laugh.

Some of you, some of

you get that look.

I know that look.

I say those stories

and you're like,"

"Brad, that's, that's so sad.

"Your father made fun of you.

"What do you think

that did to you, Brad?"

Made me a man, shut the fuck up.

Shut up.

I thank God every day that

my dad made fun of me.

I'm so thankful that he put a

little adversity in my life.

That way, I knew how to

conquer adversity later.

You have to ask

yourself one question.

Who do you want your kid to be?

Do you want your kid to

be ready for the world

that is or the world

that should be?

Now, in the world

that should be,

there should be no murder,

there should be no rape,

there should be no

ISIS, there should be

no Justin Bieber,

but that's not the

world we live in.

We live in a world

where unfortunately,

all those things do exist so

who do you want your kid to be?

Do you want your

kid to be the person

that's never had anything

go wrong for them, ever?

Smooth sailing the entire way?

Never had anything wrong,

never got hurt,

never got a bruise,

just running down the

street every day, just

♪ Sunshine and lollipops ♪

No, you don't want that kid.

Because when something

does happen to that kid,

and it will, that kid's not

going to know what to do.

People want to protect

their children from life

and to some extent,

you have to do that

but you have to let a little in

because you're never

going to be able

to protect them forever.

Life, ladies and gentlemen,

has an undefeated record.

No one has gone through this

thing unscathed, no one.

My family got ours

about two years ago.

Two years ago, my dad came home

and announced to the family

that he had skin cancer.

And we knew, as a family, like,

"Alright, we got

to deal with this."

And we started dealing with it.

And then when my dad had to have

part of his face removed

for plastic surgery

and try to get that

cancer off his face,

that didn't work and

we had to regroup.

Then when he went through

radiation treatment,

that didn't work,

we had to regroup.

Then he had to go

through chemotherapy

and I had to watch

the man who raised me,

the man who I loved

more than anything

in this world whither

away to almost nothing

but I was never

truly scared because

my dad raised me to never fear

anything in this

world more than him.

I knew nothing on this

planet was scarier

than my dad, nothing is

more powerful than my dad.

I know this, my

sister knows this,

and now cancer knows it

because he beat

that son of a bitch.

You want to know how he did it?

Ask him, because my

father is sitting

right here in the second row.

Thank you, thank

you for teaching me.

Thank you for teaching

me never to quit.

Thank you for teaching

me to be a man

and hopefully be the man

that you could be proud of.

And now, it is my

dream, it is my goal

to one day have son.

Don't get me wrong, he's

going to be taller than me.

That scares the fuck out of me.

But one day, I want

to have that moment

with my son where we're arguing,

just like any

father and son does,

and we're having that

moment and we're arguing

and we're getting pissed off.

It happens in every household.

It is my dream that

one day, my son

will look down at

me and get mad at me

and pick me up and

put me on a counter

and be like, "Grandpa

taught me that one, bitch."

Thank you guys very much

for being a part of this.

Thank you.

♪ Bluesy rock music ♪

And thank you to

UCI Medical Center

for keeping my dad

alive, I love you guys.

Thank you.

♪ Bluesy rock music ♪

- Give it up for Brad Williams!

♪ Bluesy rock music ♪

- Alright, showtime,

we got an audience.

We just need a comedian.

One comedian.

- I am a professional

stand up comedian

and I would love to go on stage.

- I don't think so.

- Okay, you just said

you needed a comedian

and I'm here, I'm ready

to go so what do you mean?

- Alright, look, let's just

see how you size up, okay.

- Size up?

- Yeah, see, the sign says

must be below this line

to go on stage, so.

- Is this for real?

Are you serious?

I'm a professional

stand up comedian.

I've been in movies, okay.

I co-host a popular

About Last Night podcast.

Heard of it?

- Yeah, you're too big, sorry.

- Okay, well, I'm

small where it counts.

If that's helpful.

- Okay sir, can you just

step to the side please?

- This is bullshit!

A line is going to determine

whether I go on stage or not?

- Yes.

The sign says must be

below this line, okay.

If the sign said must

be wearing body spray

that smells like a dragon farted

on a glass of Mountain

Dew, you would be perfect.

- Okay, I take offense to that.

Vin Diesel is a

good friend of mine

and his cologne, okay,

is very expensive.

- Hey, I heard you

needed a comedian.

- Yes, yes, perfect.

Let's see how you

measure up right here.

- Sure, sure.

- Yes, perfect.

- Awesome, let's do this.

Nice cologne.

- See?

- Alright, we're ready.

- That was a cute jump.

- Adorable.

- I fucked him, this is weird.

This isn't weird though.

It's weird.

♪ Upbeat music ♪