Boys vs. Girls (2019) - full transcript
The first summer a camp goes co-ed.
Subtitles by explosiveskull
This was the summer
before it all went wrong.
British!
That's me, Dale,
Boys' Camp section head.
Bulldog!
And that's my best friend, Ben,
in his element.
Boys' camp, for the entire month,
every summer. Here, he was a king.
But during the rest of the year...
a different story.
The game was British Bulldog.
One guy starts in the middle,
everyone else to one side,
the goal being to cross to the
other side without being touched.
I say touched, 'cause that's
what's in the brochure.
And that's the display we put on
for the parents on visitor's day.
But in reality... chaos.
But no matter what drama occurred, all
was forgiven and forgotten minutes later.
Often the magical juices of the freezie would
enable any residual grudge to melt away.
Come on, top bunks!
Two more outs and we got this!
- I call grape!
- Me too! Grape!
- If there's only one grape, I get it.
- Oh, fuck that!
Fuck that? Man, fuck you!
Hey! Language!
A ninth inning could take forever sometimes,
kids jockeying for freezie flavors.
But that's the difference
between boys and girls.
Guys can beat the shit out of each
other and moments later, best friends.
Girls? Well, if you don't like
their new jeans and it's...
Bitch!
Hose-bag!
That's me, Amber.
Calm down, ladies!
What the hell is going on here?
- Those jeans make her look fat!
- Carla said that these jeans make me look fat!
Glorified baby-sitter.
- They don't make you look that fat.
- They don't.
- You look perfect, Stacey.
- I love you.
I love you.
I can't tell the difference between
your bum, and your front bum.
It's like two bums.
Come on girls, remember,
if you can't say anything nice,
- don't say any...
- Fuck off!
Language! Jesus fuck.
- Fuck you, virgin!
- I'm not a virgin!
- Get off me.
- Stacey, get off me bitch.
- Kick her ass.
- This would go on for hours,
and it would end in tears
and candles.
I just want to say that
I truly love all of you.
I just wanted to say that I truly
do feel like you're all my sisters,
and I respect that bond.
I just wanted to say
that I love all of you guys
and that I don't think you should ever
change and that you should respect yourself,
because they can't
ever take that away from you.
I just want to add in, if I can.
I feel like
you are all my sisters,
and that at the end of the day,
we have each other,
and that's truly what love is.
I just wanted to add to that that I truly
do respect everything you're saying,
and that this just goes to show
how our bond is truly everlasting,
and that's forever, guys.
Thanks, Dany.
But it was great, all of August, we got to
be our true selves, just girls, no boys.
And that's just the way
we liked it,
the whole month of July,
just testosterone, no girls.
- Roger.
- Sit the fuck down.
Listen, Dale,
starting next summer,
Camp Kindlewood,
is going to be co-ed.
Wait, is that when we can
earn school credit?
No.
- That's when two girls kiss each other, isn't it?
- No, it isn't.
Yes, I'm pretty sure it is.
- I got this VHS tape at home...
- No, Dale.
The camp will be co-ed.
There will be boys and girls, the
same site, for the entirety of summer.
Huh.
And that means there will probably
have to be some changes made.
Yeah, changes, like what?
No more naked morning dips.
What... that's how we wake up
in the morning!
And clean the cracks!
Yeah, well... and also,
no more peeing wherever you happen to be.
- You mean we gotta walk to the washrooms?
- Yes.
- Even for number one?
- Specifically, number one!
- So, number two we can just...
- No!
Both numbers, all numbers, one, two,
forty-three, all go into the washroom!
Well, Roger, that's going to
cut into our daily schedule.
Well, add this to your schedule.
No more firekeepers.
What?
This was the tipping point.
Firekeepers was our
rite of passage.
Our mildly homoerotic
end-of-summer manhood ceremony.
So, basically, what you're
saying right now is that
anything involving our
penises... penii... dicks,
whatever, is just off the table.
- Well, your dicks were never on the table.
- Metaphorically.
Then metaphorically, yes.
Your dicks are now off the table.
Okay, if that's a metaphor, then in
reality we can put our dicks on the table?
You are such an ass-wipe!
You know what I mean.
No, I don't know what you mean.
The camp is going to be co-ed
next summer.
Do you want me to
kiss another girl?
No!
No, no, no, no. What it means
is, instead of just boys in July,
and just girls in August,
there will be both
boys and girls in the camp,
this camp, all together.
Why are you emphasizing
every other word like that?
I'm just trying to set this up,
so it's clear.
So, why are you telling me?
I need your help to get the necessary
buy-in from the other female staff,
you know, for the inevitable
changes that are coming.
Like what exactly?
Well, no more
condom balloon fights.
And definitely
no more tomacocking.
Great. So anything emasculating.
Yes, basically.
That reminds me.
No more full moon sacrifices.
That's Dany.
She has mad wicked skills.
So you knew about that?
So it wasn't a dream! Ha!
...which is what we
learned in the last chapter.
With boys in July
and girls in August,
this was actually the first time
Dale and I met.
You're gonna end up with
one or two options...
Shit.
Hey.
Thank you.
What?
I've got a 10-pack, so it's...
Smooth move, Ex-Lax.
Oh, God!
Hey, nice Bela Lugosi.
Yeah, well, the party store was
all out of Kiefer Sutherland, so.
I see they were overstocked
on sexy nurse, sexy witch...
I guess that, what is that?
Sexy, neglectful zombie mother?
I don't know how I feel
about that one.
Well, come on. Let's go
have some fun. Let's go.
- I don't know. I don't know. I mean...
- Come on.
...look, you got all the moves, right?
I don't think I could keep up with that.
Well, I can't keep them off
much longer.
You gotta,
you gotta make your move.
You know, I... I don't know.
I think a Slutty Kitten can do... sexy.
Fuck, I meant to say sexy. You're not
a slut, obviously, you're not a slut.
- Right?
- Wow.
I meant... fuck!
And that's... time.
Pencils down.
Truthfully, I hadn't
given Dale a second thought
until he opened his big mouth
again.
There was no turning back
from this.
- Hey! Amber! Um...
- What?
- Sorry, it's... it is Amber?
- Yeah, I mean, obviously.
I turned around
when you said Amber.
Sorry. Okay, look.
Um, I just think that it's fine for you to...
to ignore me all year and... and hate me,
if I called you a slut. But, I didn't.
I... I just misspoke.
Is this supposed to be
an apology?
No. That's what I'm saying.
You see, I've been punished with
silence and dirty looks all year.
But I didn't even
do the crime, right?
It was like a...
like a Freud-slip-thing.
Right. Well, you can't just go around
calling girls slutty, and expect...
I didn't, that's the thing,
right? I... I didn't.
I'm serving the sentence right
now, but look, like...
I should now, like retroactively get
to call you a slut at a future date,
to justify the punishment that
you've given me in advance.
Wow. Alright, well,
good luck with that,
but I'm gonna go off to my camp
this summer,
so this is gonna have to wait
until the fall term.
What camp do you go to?
That's Tiffany.
She thought penicillin was
a fashion statement.
Love you more.
Okay, love you, Daddy. Bye.
I think I need to
go to the clinic.
That's Donna.
She read in a magazine once that there's
all these ratios in the human face
that determine
if we're attractive or not,
and that's why models are always
tilting their head to the side,
so the brain can't pick up
on the ratios as much.
Thanks, Mr. Coffee.
Alright, ladies, let's go meet the boys.
We were ready to stake
our claim to the camp.
But we planted our flag first,
"Say Anything" style.
Remember what we discussed.
Girls rule, boys drool.
Okay. Don't forget.
Bros before hoes.
Sistas before mistas.
Dicks before chicks.
Snitches get stitches.
Gas, grass or ass.
Nobody rides for free. Let's go!
Hello, counselors.
Well, we are in for
an exciting summer.
As you well know, and can plainly
see, and smell, we have gone co-ed.
Now I myself am very excited
over this change,
and the future prosperity it can
and will bring to this camp.
Of course, I am anticipating that
not everything will go smooth-ly,
so we've added some modules
to the usual training week.
Oh, we have Gary here
from corporate,
and he is going to lead us
through some sensitivity training.
Gary!
Okay... it's too loud.
That's so loud, that hurts.
I can't hear you,
the music's too loud!
That's right, it, it's too loud.
You're hurting the children.
No, not up! Down! It's too loud!
It's too...
Okay.
It's too quiet now,
it doesn't work.
There's no, there's no beat, it doesn't...
there's nothing to this anymore.
Hi, team. I'm Gary, with a Y.
You can call me Gar.
So, what I'm gonna do for the next
few hours is guide you on a journey
through tolerance and awareness so that you
have a better understanding of other sex.
Sexes. So you have an understanding
of other, um, genders.
Okay, so little ice breaker
first.
What we're gonna do is we're
gonna divide into two groups.
We're gonna have boys and then,
drumroll please, what's next, girls.
Good. Well, that's a good start.
Okay, so what we're gonna do
is we're gonna do some skits.
These skits are a way to promote a healthy
lifestyle to someone from the opposite gender.
So, here's how we're gonna
break this down:
Boys, you're gonna help the ladies
understand better sun safety.
Ladies, the boys,
so I've been told,
they're having trouble figuring out
appropriate footwear to wear on a hike.
Okay, you have thirty minutes,
help each other out. Go!
- Hey, I see you!
- Shit. Yo, just play it cool. Play it cool.
I still see you!
Donna, right?
Yeah, my, my name is Donna.
I... I am Donna.
Look, we've got something fun planned, so... so
we just want to borrow some of your clothes.
We'll bring them right back
after the skit.
Is that okay, Don-don?
- Yeah, it's like, totally okay.
- Cool.
- Okay, yeah.
- See you soon.
Okay, bye!
Girls, listen up.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Just breathe, slow down, it's okay.
- What's going on?
- The boys, they took our clothes, our personal clothes.
They said they're gonna use them
for the skit!
- I'm gonna chew their dicks off.
- No, they might like that.
No, you know what? It's okay.
The boys are planning on
getting us with this skit?
We'll just have to
hit them first.
Okay, I am really excited
to see these!
So, who's up first,
boys or girls?
Okay, ladies, you're up.
So, Ben, how was your winter?
- Good, yeah, yeah, pretty good.
- Good, good.
- You know, actually, I had a real scare this morning.
- Oh?
So, I... I wake up and I just...
I feel this, this hard lump.
Immediately, I start...
I start freaking out.
I mean, it's cancer, it's gotta be cancer,
I mean, what else can it be, right?
There goes my summer, there goes my
hair, you know, so on and so forth.
- Oh, my God!
- Yeah, exactly.
What happened?
Oh, no, no, no, it was just,
uh, I had a boner.
You know, like... like... like morning wood,
so I was just like "Whoa, what's that?"
So, you know, I quickly finished and I rubbed
it on Hip-Hop's pillow before he could get up
and called it a day, you know.
Scary, scary in the moment,
though.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Hey, guys, don't we have that,
uh, hike to the lighthouse today?
Yeah, yeah,
you're right.
Uh, what should we wear on our feet?
You know, for the hike?
Maybe we should wear some sandals,
I mean, that seems appropriate.
But you know, why wear sandals,
when you can just go barefoot?
Dany! I said barefoot,
not Bigfoot!
- We got you.
- Burn.
Yeah, burn.
Bravo, excellent.
See, the ladies used sarcasm as a way
to get their footwear message across
while playfully poking fun at the boys.
Great job, ladies.
Boys, can you beat that?
- Do you think they're pissed?
- I'm sure they can take a joke.
- Hey, Dany, how was your winter?
- Sucked.
My mom is back with Barry, and he's a
fuckin' asshole and treats her like shit
but she deserves it.
She made me clean my room
the other day,
and now I can't find any of
my knives except for this one.
And I know Barry
sold them.
Next day he's buying super big
gulps instead of regular big gulps.
That assturd better
watch his six.
Yeah, you ever tried pastels?
Everybody have their sunscreen on?
'Cause it's time for the pool.
SPF30 or higher I hope?
Alright, let's get wet.
- Priscilla, what's wrong?
- Nothing.
Nothing?
What do you mean nothing?
Why can't you come
to the pool with us?
- I can't.
- What do you mean, why not?
It's my crotch.
Your crotch?
What's wrong with it?
It's bleeding.
You see, when a girl reaches a certain age,
they get a special visitor every month.
Why does this have to
happen to me?
Well, you know at Halloween when you
dress up like a cat or a princess?
Yeah.
Well, your period means that you get to dress
up like a slutty cat, or a slutty princess.
And this attracts the attention of boys,
and makes you feel better about yourself.
Wow. I already feel better
about myself.
And you know
who'll definitely understand?
My boyfriend Ben.
He's so handsome
and funny and smart.
He won't care that
I'm on my period.
In fact, I call his penis Moses
'cause it can part the Red Sea.
Enough!
You, you, you, you,
to my office right now!
Good luck this summer.
You're gonna need it.
- But, the rest of the training?
- What's the point? I tried.
I danced for you.
But this place is
on the scrap-heap.
You just made my job
a whole lot easier.
What was that?
So, what's up, you mad bro?
No, I'm not mad, I'm pissed!
This is awesome. You know,
it's like he's the chief of police,
and we're like, you know,
the wild card cops that he's...
- Shut it, Ben!
- Okay, that's good, go with that.
Maybe it's all my fault, maybe I
let you guys get away with too much,
when this was just a boys' camp,
but things have got to change.
I cannot stress how important it is for
this co-ed thing to work, you got it?
Well, truthfully, no,
we don't got it.
'Cause like, think about it,
if we did get it,
then we probably wouldn't have done
that hateful sexist skit, right?
Okay, Bo is pretty dumb, but his
looks have helped him out a lot in life.
Seriously, we hate having
these chicks here, okay?
We get our rocks off during the school
year but summer is for us to come up here,
and... and... and like walk around
naked, listen to rap music.
Word.
Hip-Hop was always talking about
an album he was producing,
but the only thing he ever shared with
us were mixtapes with original cover art.
Look. I'll talk to the girls.
I'll smooth things out
with them.
But the campers are here
in a few days.
We've gotta make this work,
right? Go team!
Maybe we really should try
to make this work.
Roger seems pretty desperate.
Hey, I need you guys to take your
shit out of the laundry room.
I found some more pee-pee sleeping
bags from last summer I gotta wash.
Well, it ain't our shit,
Mr. Coffee, try the chicks.
Trust me. It's yours.
Goddamn it!
Hey. I don't remember
doing this!
This was my favorite
turtle neck.
No fabric softener. Fuckers.
Okay, so what, you think some... some...
some crotchless jeans are going to stop us?
No, no, no, no, it's on!
No, it was on when you decided
to do a skit about our periods
and my Halloween costuming
choices.
Well, actually,
if you were paying attention,
it wasn't necessarily
your Halloween costuming,
it was an imagined scenario,
it was presented to Priscilla.
Technically, we may have started
it, I mean, our skit was first.
Oh! No, no, no, no, no,
sweetheart, we started it.
Your skit was so lame and stupid
it didn't offend,
so it doesn't even count
as starting it.
Well, you may have started it,
but we're going to finish this.
How, by cutting more material
away from our jeans?
If you cut away any more,
they become jean shorts,
and then they become
useful again.
That is not
how we're gonna end it.
We're gonna end it tonight. See you
guys have to fall asleep at some point,
you guys can't stay up forever,
and when you guys do fall asleep,
I'm going to come into your
cabin and bite your dicks off.
I'm going to bite them off
so hard and so fast,
there won't be a split second when you
guys feel some moist lips around your dick,
and you think, "Hey,
I'm getting a dream blowie, sweet."
I'm going to skip right
to the pain, right away.
You guys will be dreaming, flying through
the air, or... or swimming, and then bam!
Shark bites off your dick, or maybe
it's the flying one, and then bam!
Helicopter blades, maybe you guys get
too close and bam, chops off your dick.
And you're gonna wake up,
screaming in pain,
and all you guys are gonna see
in the glimmering moonlight
is the ruby red glow of your dick juices
coming out of the corners of my mouth!
When the campers arrived, there was an
understood truce, but it wouldn't last long.
Hey, Zack,
where's your bag, little dude?
Bareback, I like it, brother.
Hey, Zack, hope your redneck parents sent
you up with enough tuck money this year.
Hey, Zack, were Jason and Karl
about to kiss? Yeah, I think that.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God,
they were about to kiss!
- Let me go, Ben!
- Or what, what? You're, you're gonna kiss Karl about it?
No, I'll titty twist
your ass off!
Whoa, hold up.
You'll titty twist my ass off?
Shut up, you know what I meant.
No, no, no, I'm gonna stand here
and let you explain it to me.
You're gonna "titty twist
my ass off." Get outta here.
Zack, you okay, buddy?
Where's your bag, man?
- Stacey, how was your winter?
- It was really good.
So I met this one guy
at school, he's like superhot.
- Oh, my God! Did you make out?
- Kind of, but yeah.
That's a sack, there's a sack,
that's a sack, here's a sack.
Hey, you need a hand with that?
No thanks, I got it.
It's no trouble, I can...
Excuse me, mista,
I want to do it on my own.
I'm still growin', ya know.
Wow, real mature, Dale.
I... she wants to take it
on her own.
- Thanks, Amber, my back was getting sore.
- I believe it.
Alright, guys, hey, hey,
listen up, hey!
Follow us, okay?
I mean, don't get me wrong,
I hate that the girls are here,
and we're going to destroy them
this summer.
Agreed.
♪ Umagada umagada
choo choo choo! ♪
- But the scenery is nice, you know?
- ♪ Umagada umagada ♪
♪ Choo choo choo! ♪
Agreed, yeah.
♪ Give me a home
Where the buffalo roam ♪
- Would you do him?
- Tiffany! Would I do him?
Okay, fine, would you
third-base him?
- Yes.
- Me too.
♪ Seldom is heard
A discouraging word ♪
♪ And the skies are
Not cloudy all day ♪
Welcome campers to the opening campfire
of 1990 here at Camp Kindlewood!
Now, as most of you already know by now, the
camp is now co-ed, which is a great thing!
Obviously, there's going to be some programming
issues that we have to work through,
but myself, the staff and your
counselors are totally committed
to giving you a memorable
and safe summer.
This... Jason, it, it's not a question
and answer period. Do you have to pee?
Uh no, are we still going to be
doing Lumbermen versus Voyageurs?
Oh, yes, absolutely, of course,
we are, Jason!
Tomorrow after breakfast, we'll have
the traditional picking of the sides!
I got an idea.
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
I doubt it. I'm just...
I'm kinda high right now.
So just feels good all over,
you know?
- See?
- See what?
It's a vagina!
No, it's your hands.
No, you idiot, it's a vagina!
Okay, everyone,
brush your teeth and shit.
Okay, so the shrooms
have worn off, what's this plan?
Right. For the team
picking thing tomorrow,
you know, when they divide up
Lumbermen and Voyageurs.
We gotta make it so all the boys camps are
Lumbermen, and all the girls' camps are Voyageurs.
Sworn. Accelerate the conflict.
I like it.
But how are we gonna swing that?
- Who picks the names from the hat?
- Mr. Coffee?
Mr. Coffee.
And what does Mr. Coffee like?
- Murder?
- No. What else?
- Booze.
- Yes.
Amber, could you help me?
I need two lines.
This line,
night-time medications.
And this line, "My head hurts",
"My throat hurts", "Oh, my God!
I've got poison ivy,"
"Hey, is that crotch rash."
Alright kids, you heard Mr. Coffee,
two lines. Come on.
So, what do you think the boys
have planned for us today?
I don't know, Tiff,
maybe if we just don't push it...
Amber, if we wait on it, our guard will
be down, and that's when they get us.
I get it, we go all
passive-aggressive.
You know like what if
we go on a sex strike?
You haven't slept
with any of them, have you?
Okay, sex strike might be
a little hard to pull off.
One for you, one for me.
I am a ghost!
I was once a living person,
but then I died, so now I'm a ghost!
Little redundant,
all that was implied.
- Bahhhh.
- Boogadee Boo!
Oh, fuck a cock!
Jesus, Coffee.
You know, it's not nice
to scare people, in real life.
Okay, look, we need
a favor from you, okay?
Well, the price is right.
What do you need?
Well, look, we'll take care of
the how,
but tomorrow, we need you to go
and rig the cabin selections
for Lumbermen and Voyageurs,
okay?
- Why?
- 'Cause we're going to make it Boys vs. Girls
and take those hussies head on!
Seems a little complex,
just to humiliate someone.
Oh, yeah, how would you do it?
Well, since you're asking I... I guess I
would ask them to meet me up someplace high,
you know, like one of those
parking garage-type things.
And I'd kinda, you know, as I'm talking
to them, move 'em closer to the edge,
and make sure
I have solid footing.
Then I'd kinda
push 'em off the roof.
Then they'd, uh, you know,
fall to their deaths.
And then I'd go around screaming "They jumped,
they jumped, I had nothing to do with it,
it was one of those kind of
suicide-type things!"
Coffee, you shouldn't be allowed to
work near children, you know that?
Or people.
I'm not.
That's why I'm at the camp.
No, it's eight crackers
in one minute.
No, I'm telling you, I got this
cousin in Salt Lake that says
it's one cracker
in eight minutes.
No! You're so stupid!
That doesn't even make any sense, you can
easily eat one cracker in eight minutes!
That's why it's hard, you have to
really take your time, savor it...
Give it.
Time, go.
My Swatch only shows hours.
So, you see the fork?
It needs to go on the left, okay?
No, I said it goes on the left!
- Hey, Donna.
- Hi.
Sorry. I... I just...
You know, I could help teach your
kids how to set the table properly,
with a little freestyle
of course.
You know, something to
help them remember.
- Yeah, sure, that would be great.
- Yeah?
A'ight, cool. Here we go.
Mm, yeah.
♪ It's like, when you Put down the
plate It's the first thing you do ♪
♪ Place it the middle
It's what you do, uh ♪
♪ Now, pick up a knife, yeah ♪
♪ Be careful it's sharp ♪
♪ You don't want to cut your pretty
little fingers off Now do ya? ♪
♪ Do ya, do ya, do ya,
do ya? ♪
♪ Of course, you don't
What? ♪
♪ Best be moving on
To the spoon ♪
♪ It should be opposite
Of the fork... ♪
Hey, you got a sec?
Freeze!
What are they doing?
- Girls' camp doesn't play freeze?
- No.
Hell, you just yell "freeze" at some point
during the meal, the kids all freeze,
and the first one to move
has to clear all the dishes.
Neat.
So, what's up?
Right. Well, I do take it that guys'
camp did do program announcements, right?
Yeah.
Well, we have a big one
to announce this morning,
with Lumbermen vs. Voyageurs
starting, and uh...
Okay. So, do you have something
planned or?
Yeah, yeah, um.
You know, a few of us girls,
we came up with a skit last night.
Actually, it was more like a rework of,
you know, something we did last summer.
But we weren't sure if,
if we should just go ahead and do it
or if you guys wanted to
participate?
Now, Yoshi, don't laugh.
Jason, don't fall in love, alright,
it's just a game there, pal.
No, that sounds great.
I guess we'll just leave this
one up to you guys... girls.
Great, cool, thanks.
Your breath smells like
farts!
It's horrible.
How bad does it smell?
Like farts, eh?
Why don't you tell me about it
while you're doing dishes duty?
Yeah, you didn't think
about it, did you?
- So? What did they say?
- He said we could do it.
- Yes! I knew it.
- Attack them with our sexuality.
Sexual assault!
Yeah, but different, you know.
When the hand goes up?
The mouth goes shut!
Shut your holes!
- Thank you, Ben.
- Shut your holes.
Ben, the holes are shut.
Okay, so, we have a special
announcement.
May, maybe, maybe we shouldn't be
making enemies out of boobs, you know?
It's Lumbermen vs. Voyageurs!
Okay! For those of you who have been
here before, you know what this means.
For those of you who are new,
let me explain.
Yeah, so I guess that program
announcement didn't explain much.
It was just sexual energy.
...the Voyageurs
and the Lumbermen.
These teams are going to compete
non-stop, around the clock,
in various competitive activities
in order to accumulate points
so that they can win
The Golden Axe-Paddle!
- Looks like an axe.
- And a paddle.
- Paddle.
- It's an axe-paddle.
Before we get ahead of ourselves,
we have to make the selection
to see which cabins will be the Voyageurs
and which cabins will be the Lumbermen.
Lumbermen has won
the past four years, boys.
- Okay?
- Let the selection begin!
Alright.
Who is first for the Voyageurs?
Senior Girls 2.
Alright, and now who is going
to kick off for the Lumbermen?
Junior Boys 1.
And back to the Voyageurs.
It's working.
Intermediate Girls 3.
Lumbermen!
It's the same.
But the opposite, which would
make it... Intermediate Boys...
Intermediate Boys 3!
Coffee is way too liquored up to pull
this off. We're gonna get busted.
He's got it, he's got it.
Alright, next for the Voyageurs.
Junior Girls 2.
- Lumbermen?
- Senior Boys 2.
Senior Boys 2, they beat me up
last summer, Senior Boys 2.
Junior Girls 1.
Intermediate Boys 2.
Senior Girls 1.
Intermediate Boys 1.
Intermediate Girls 1.
Junior Boys 2.
Oh. Intermediate Girls 2.
Thank you, well, there you go!
Totally impartial selection!
If the teams could please appoint a team
captain to come up here for the swearing-in.
I swear.
I swear.
To compete with honor,
integrity, and spirit.
To compete with honor,
integrity, and spirit.
I know what you did here
and you will rue the day.
I've always wanted to hear someone
say "rue the day" in real life.
So I will now thus rue the day.
Our plan had worked.
We made it boys versus girls.
This was our chance to show the ladies
who's boss and take back our camp.
We knew the boys rigged the competition,
and we were determined to take them down.
This is no good,
we might actually hurt them.
- British!
- Bulldog!
Argh! Come on, you guys!
What was that?
They have girl parts!
Where do we grab on to?
The gender-neutral parts.
British!
Okay, you got four Voyageurs.
Switch up, Lumbermen run!
British!
Bulldog!
- British!
- Bulldog!
- Aw!
- Oh! Yeah.
You work out, right?
Okay, you captured 22 Lumbermen.
Voyageurs win this round!
Yeah! Go! Come on!
- Yay!
- Woo-hoo!
Oh, my God! Reeks of urine.
Yes! It worked, it worked!
We were trying to mask
the smell of poop!
- Oh, well, congratulations.
- Yes!
A mid-summer dance probably
seemed like a good idea, on paper.
This is so lame.
Okay, someone's gotta
do something.
I mean, I get the feud, but the
kids aren't having any fun.
- Hey.
- Okay, come on, we gotta do something.
- Come on.
- What up?
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
Two cupcakes,
both for you fatty?
No, no. I was... I was...
I was thinking of sharing.
- With me?
- Yeah, sure.
I, uh, I thought
we were enemies.
Yeah, yeah, we are.
But even enemies have to share yummy
delicious cupcakes from time to time.
- They do?
- Yeah.
- You haven't seen Star Wars?
- I've seen Star Wars.
Okay, so just before Greedo shoots Han, you
didn't notice the cupcakes they were enjoying?
Before Greedo shoots Han?
You mean,
before Han shoots Greedo!
What are you talking about?
Han would never do that.
Oh, God! I think he wants to kiss me.
Where was this confidence eight months ago?
She kinda smells
like garbage,
but that could just be because we're near
the dumpster and she was carrying garbage.
Han is a cold-blooded killer.
You know instead of facing Jabba
himself and taking responsibility...
Wait, am I feeling attracted to
her or to the smell of garbage?
I can't let him kiss me.
The girls will hate me.
You see that just
furthers my point,
you're too busy moralizing to notice the
cupcakes that two enemies were enjoying.
But he's finally behaving
and acting cute.
Maybe our union
could bring the camp together?
Am I going to end up being
one of those case studies on Donahue,
"The guy who humps
dumpsters?"
There is no way that they were
serving cupcakes at the cantina.
Maybe some sense memory
would help you...
Just say you love noogies,
and I'll let go!
Let go first!
Ha, ha, ha!
I hate noogies!
- Dale?
- Yeah?
- Dale!
- Yes!
Were you just making out
with this hussy?
- Excuse me?
- No.
- No?
- Amber?
You two were mouth fucking.
Mouth fucking?
No one says that, man.
We weren't.
Then why do you have icing
on your boob parts then?
They're called pecks on guys,
alright?
- They're called pecks on her, too.
- Watch it.
Yeah, what's with the
peck icing?
This? You caught us
in the middle of a food fight.
Yes, it was a hateful,
sexist food fight.
Yeah, and I'm pissed at him right
now, and you're interrupting.
Mm-hmm. I was waiting until now,
when she was wearing her favorite dress.
- Fucker!
- Fight! Fight! Fight!
- Really, this is how we're playing it?
- Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight! Fight!
Okay, well, this camp is going
all girls, all summer.
Roger sees
how toxic you guys are.
Us? Toxic?
You're the ones stinking up the
garbage with your maxipads.
No, no, whoa... no.
Two men enter, one man leaves.
Come on, you know these things.
You want our maxipads gone?
By the way, Dany is the only one
who uses maxipads, so...
Yes, we want you gone!
There's no way it's just Dany.
I've seen way too many maxipads in the garbage
for it just to be coming from one girl.
Some of us have heavy flows!
- Well, we want you gone!
- Well, let's lay down the stakes then.
You want to play for keeps?
Okay. Whoever loses Lumbermen vs. Voyageurs,
can't apply for a job next summer.
No male counselors,
no boys' camp.
- All girls, all summer.
- Okay!
But if boys win
Lumbermen vs. Voyageurs,
then girls can't apply for jobs here,
and it goes back to a... boys' camp.
Yes, Ben, that was implied.
Look, I'm just trying to
make the stakes clear.
Okay, they're all in, let's go.
Okay, looks like a hundred
spirit points for Lumbermen.
Well, looks like a hundred and
fifty spirit points for Voyageurs.
Woo!
Go! Like the hustle,
I like the hustle.
Hey, little girl? How you doing?
Yeah, this is fun, huh?
Relay race camp.
I love it.
Just, it's kinda hard being away
from home this long, you know?
I mean, I don't think I've ever been
away from my mom this long, have you?
Yeah, sometimes I just
sit in bed at night,
thinking about how much I miss my
mommy hugging me, singing to me.
♪ Hush, little baby
Don't say a word ♪
Comforting a child,
keep it moving.
There's more important things in
life, okay? Keep going.
♪ Momma's gonna buy you
A mockingbird ♪
Yard sale!
We were so caught up
in beating each other,
we didn't even see we were destroying
the one thing we both loved... the camp.
You two have no idea what
you have just done. No idea!
Roger.
Shut up, no one wants to
hear you talk, shut it.
Do you have any idea,
the position you've put this camp in? Hmm?
I'm asking you a question.
You just told me to shut up.
Shut up! It was rhetorical.
Shut it!
Did you think that I, last summer
just, on my own, out of nowhere,
decided to make the camp co-ed?
Kinda.
I thought I said to shut it.
You told Dale to shut it,
this is my first shut it.
Fine. But shut it from now on.
Do you know why we're co-ed?
Huh? Funny guy?
I'm asking you a question.
Is it a rhetorical question?
Oh, answering a question
with a question.
Very smart funny guy.
No, it wasn't rhetorical.
- Okay then, my guess...
- Shut up! No one wants to hear you talk!
Sorry, you're just being
a bit unclear.
Oh. Well, pardon my French.
How's this for unclear?
Yeah. That's great for unclear.
Oh, you want me to
spell it out for you?
- Yes!
- Yes!
Camps are closing
at a record rate.
Corporate has tightened
up budgets across the board.
Parents are demanding
heightened safety standards,
so more money is being pooled
into safety equipment.
Going co-ed all summer long was the only
way to keep this camp economically viable
and prevent corporate
from shutting us down.
That's why making this summer
work was so important.
Look, first of, I... I really don't think the
outside world works the way you described it.
Yeah, you make it sound like
a Looney Tunes cartoon.
Like corporate bureaucrats
in suits bullying kids?
Yeah, I... I... I really think
your world view is a bit off.
Wait, how did you get visuals
of what was in my mind's eye?
And second, I wish you would have just
leveled with us from the beginning.
Just tell us that the camp was going
to close unless we made co-ed work.
Yeah, if we knew it was that dire
we would have figured it out.
You really just need to be
more clear next time.
Well, but there isn't going
to be a next time.
It's all too late anyway.
Well, what do you mean?
Corporate is sending an advisory board
tomorrow to check out our economic viability.
Once they see this mess and the volatile
atmosphere, they'll close us down for sure.
Come here, come here!
Come here, come here, come here!
I accidentally overheard while I was peeping
and I think I know how to save the camp.
Follow me.
Ninety-six bottles of beer on the wall,
ninety-seven bottles of beer on the wall,
ninety-eight bottles of beer
on the wall.
Ninety-nine bottle of beer
on the wall!
When my dad passed away, he gave me
this job, and a small inheritance.
That was almost fifty years ago.
The job, the camp, the people...
are my home,
my family.
Economically viable?
If keeping this camp open is
about money, I think I can help.
Five thousand dollars.
The camp, our home, is saved.
Yeah but your... that's your...
that's your inheritance?
Yes, it was my dad's life savings,
but I want you to use it to save the camp.
But you... you had it buried
underground the whole time?
I think you're missing
the point here.
This five thousand dollars
was from the 1940s.
Almost fifty years ago.
With inflation, and interest,
you're looking at over a hundred
thousand dollars. At least.
No, we're looking at
five thousand dollars.
Now I think you're both
missing the point.
1940s money, inflation,
interest.
Ka-ching, camp saved, hero!
Um, I think if we try to explain this to him,
we're just gonna get stuck in a time loop.
Agreed.
What... what if we just take the
money, tell him he saved the camp,
and then use that money to spruce
up the place, and save the camp.
You heard Roger,
corporate is coming tomorrow.
That's why we're gonna need
everyone's help.
Thanks! Woo-hoo!
You saved the camp!
- Did you just call me a hero?
- Sure.
Alright, I'm going to break it
down, nice and simple.
Corporate is coming to the site tomorrow
and they're gonna close the camp.
- What? What do you mean shut it down?
- What? Are you serious?
- Listen. Listen. Please.
- Unless! Guys,
unless we work together for the next
twenty-four hours and fix the camp.
Fix the camp? How can we fix it?
What do you mean fix the camp?
Okay, um, hold on a second,
guys. Look.
Ben... here, try to break
this stick, okay?
- Serious?
- It's easy, right?
Good. Um, now look...
Now go ahead and try to...
try to break this bundle.
Haha, okay, just... no, let's
hold on a second, alright?
- Fuck.
- Whoa, hold on guys, please. Okay.
Okay.
- Break this, let's give it a try.
- Woo!
Goddamnit, Ben! Jesus Christ.
Wait, wait, wait, hold up.
I think I get it.
Wait, you're saying, on our own,
we can easily snap a twig in half.
But if we work together, we,
we can snap a bunch!
- A lot of sticks, bro!
- Yeah.
It's like, we've had the power inside us the
entire time, to break a shit load of sticks,
- more than we ever thought possible!
- Yes.
No. I mean, yeah, but...
Totally. Like with our friends,
and maybe, maybe some kicking...
- Yeah.
- We can do so much more.
A lot of sticks, dude!
No, I mean, that's...
that's not...
Wait sorry, are you guys... what,
is this... are you guys motivated by this?
Fuck, yeah!
- Alright. Yeah, okay, good.
- I guess we'll go with that!
Thanks, everybody.
We've got a way
to save the camp!
I told you, it's too late.
Corporate is coming tomorrow
We know, but we did this
metaphor thing with everyone,
and we found
a little bit of cash.
It's too late!
They're going to shut us down.
Or will they?
- Uh, yeah, they will.
- Are you sure about that?
Yeah, pretty sure.
I know for a fact they're going to be closing
at least eight camps in this region alone.
- We're bound to be one.
- Not so fast.
Not so fast?
They're coming tomorrow!
I wouldn't be so sure about us
closing... not just yet.
Yep, I think something
might just change.
- What?
- Roger.
I wouldn't count all your
roosters before they hatch.
Let's just see what a little
passing of the time can do, hmm?
Montage!
♪ Let's go sit in the sunshine ♪
♪ Like we usually do ♪
♪ Feeling water, hands in sand ♪
♪ Leaves, trees, canopy ♪
It's so beautiful
up here.
Yeah, I know.
This is... this is for sure the one
thing that we all have in common.
What's that?
That we all love this place,
and we don't want to see it go away.
We figured that one out
in the end.
So, how do you think
the review will go tomorrow?
Honestly, I don't know.
I just hope we didn't mess
things up for the kids.
♪ Daydreaming, night and day ♪
Do you think
you'll ever have kids?
Yeah, eventually.
I'd be an awesome dad.
Ben, kids can't subsist on a diet
of Skittles and wedgies, man.
Yeah, obviously, I'd make adjustments,
but I'd rise to the occasion.
It's okay, Ben, not everyone's
cut up to be a dad.
Are you guys serious right now?
Okay, look, fact!
If you look back at all of humanity
as a whole, from the start, fact,
most kids by far,
were just born.
Just... just... just... just flopped
out of their mothers onto a bed,
like a mossy, messy, forest bed.
And then, most of the time, fact,
a wolf would just come along
and... and eat the baby
right away.
Just a snack, you know?
So, by those odds, you know, if...
if you look at all the dads,
from... from the start of humankind,
I'd be like in the top one percentile.
Right, 'cause you'd at least try to fight
off a wolf from eating your newborn, right?
Damn straight.
The big day was here.
If we didn't wow Gary with what we
had planned, we'd lose the camp forever.
Oh, fuck my dick.
This'll be an easy axing.
This place is a mess. Trust me.
I still don't get why you're
both in the backseat.
Wow, those bureaucrats look just like
how I pictured them in Roger's mind.
I know.
Chin up, Dale, we got this.
Well, the front entrance
looks tidy.
A façade.
How has your summer been?
Uh, my summer?
Fascinating! Fantastic!
You know, we all... we all
get along so well, you know.
Everyone's pretty much my best bud,
you know, we... we get along great,
it's like, uh, it's really like
a family, you know?
I love this girl so much!
You know, she's like the, uh,
the big, uh, little... little...
little brother that I... I never had.
Get in here, get in here!
Yeah, yeah, he's like a... he's like a...
little dog I keep in my purse.
Yeah, you're a bad dog,
aren't you?
Yeah. Gentlemen?
Well, the toilets seem to flush
normally, unobstructed.
Smells very... nondescript.
Yes!
We have a very special lunch
prepared for you,
so if you'll just follow me
into the dining hall.
♪ Morning has broken ♪
♪ Like the first morning ♪
♪ Blackbird has spoken
Like the first bird ♪
♪ Praise for the singing ♪
♪ Praise for the morning ♪
♪ Praise for them springing
Fresh from the world ♪
♪ Sweet the rain's new fall ♪
♪ Sunlit from heaven ♪
♪ Like the first dew fall
On the first grass ♪
♪ Praise for the sweetness ♪
♪ Of the wet garden ♪
♪ Sprung in completeness ♪
♪ Where his feet pass ♪
♪ Mine is the sunlight ♪
♪ Mine is the morning ♪
♪ Born of the one light ♪
♪ Eden saw play ♪
♪ Praise with elation ♪
♪ Praise every morning ♪
♪ God's re-creation ♪
♪ Of the new day ♪
Haha. Alright.
Alright.
Okay! I won't shut down
your camp!
- Ya!
- Woo-hoo!
Yes!
I'll just have to shut down
another camp.
Aw.
- Alright.
- Woo-hoo!
Is that morning dip,
or flagpole?
Neither, that's luggage,
we slept in.
Oh, shit. I've got to get back
to my cabin!
No goodbye?
He pinched my butt on the way out.
That was probably meant for you.
Aw, that's sweet.
Hey, you get lucky
last night, man?
Yeah, only waist-down though.
What are you doing on the girls' side?
Shit. I'm Audi 5000.
- You scared me, man.
- That was so close, we almost totally got busted!
Nah, you just... you just
gotta play it chill.
You're right, I'm chill.
- You're extra pretty when you're chill.
- Really?
Thanks!
Thanks. Do you ladies want to
help me pack some luggage?
Oh, yeah, for sure!
All right kids,
gather around, hacky sack circle!
Come on, ladies, let's go!
Put your backs into it. Come on!
Slackers, over there!
Yeah, if you have a purple
ribbon, you're on the next bus!
Well, that's it.
We saved the camp and the rest
of the summer was great.
Everything ran smooth and
we made new friends along the way.
It wasn't easy,
but we got through it.
And maybe came out a
little better on the other side.
- All in all.
- It was a great summer.
- That I'll never...
- Forget.
Well, it looks like
we saved the camp.
- Yeah, everyone did their part.
- Yup.
It's too bad we couldn't have worked
things out earlier on, you know.
We could have had
more time together.
- Yeah, a DeLorean would be nice.
- Yeah, for sure.
Yeah. I could go back and remind
myself to say sexy instead of slutty.
Or you could've just shut up
and kissed me.
Or that, yeah.
But I get it though.
Maybe... maybe we set something
up nicer for the next generation.
- Maybe that's it.
- What?
That's what kids are.
They're like... they're
like a time machine.
It's a good chance to go back
and do it right.
From the beginning.
Hey. You want some?
89 Hams. Take one.
End credits for the scene.
Scary, scary at the moment,
though.
I hope an eagle mistakes
your dick for a perch.
Oh, gosh!
I almost just French kissed you
right now.
Oui.
My Swatch only shows hours.
- Cut.
- Cut.
Let's go again.
Mm-hmm.
Just throw a, just throw
a few on the camera here.
♪ Fist been moving on
To the spoon for real ♪
Yeah.
One for you, one for me.
Oh, I gave you mine.
The rock band Journey, the cast
from Family Matters, Blue Man Group.
Blue Man.
Can you cue the music again right
now just while I get into the groups?
Subtitles by explosiveskull