Boys Will Be Boys (1999) - full transcript
Two young brothers talk their strict father Lloyd Clauswell into allowing them to babysit themselves for the first time while their parents attend a corporate barbecue. As Lloyd vies for a promotion from the eccentric company president Mr. Wellington, Lloyd's nemesis Skip Larue hatches a scheme with his sultry fiancé Patsy to frame Lloyd for embezzlement by hiding stolen cash in the Clauswell home. Beginning with an argument over who is really in charge, Matt and Robbie enlist their friends and nearly destroy the house as they battle for control. But they learn the real meaning of "blood is thicker than water" when they must join forces to stop the evil plans of Skip Larue. Police detective Palladino is left to sort out this mess of who did what to whom and why, as he finds out once and for all that when two brothers are left alone, Boys Will Be Boys.
(mysterious strings begin)
(phones ring)
- [Sergeant] Ever seen a crime scene
that disturbing, Lieutenant?
- [Lieutenant] They're
all disturbing, Sergeant.
- [Sergeant] Well here's the evidence
found at the scene, Lieutenant,
one pistol, shoots water.
- [Lieutenant] Uh huh.
- [Sergeant] One ostrich
feather, one radio control unit.
(phone rings)
One bat, plastic, one
cannon, also shoots water.
One claw, plastic, duffel
bag with teeth marks.
- [Lieutenant] A duffel bag.
- [Sergeant] A fake snake,
one high powered rifle,
shoots water and a cassette
recorder, it's real.
Good luck trying to figure
this one out for Lieutenant.
So who do you want to see first?
- [Lieutenant] Oh I want to see the boys.
Bring up the boys, Sergeant.
- [Sergeant] Yes, sir.
- I thought he was
gonna get us, kidnap us.
You know, rob our dad, I mean you saw him.
That guy was like 11
feet tall, he was huge.
What?
- 11 feet tall?
- Well, more like 10 feet,
my brother exaggerates.
- Well, I'll take that into consideration.
William, you can leave, boys have a seat.
Sit down, make yourselves comfortable.
- Could.
- Could what?
- Could we see you badge?
- You want to see my badge?
Sure.
- Yeah.
- Here.
You don't think I'm the genuine article?
Here, take a look.
- Red Palladino?
- That's right.
- It look real.
- Oh, it is real.
Now, I want you to help me out, boys.
- [Both] Yeah.
- Wonderful.
I want you to explain something to me.
I want you to explain why
I got a mug downstairs,
locked up who's clothes
are half torn off him,
I've got a crime scene, which
I believe is your house.
It looks like a Kmart
after a half price sale,
and I got a bag full of money,
with teeth marks all over it.
Boys, I can't figure it out.
- All right, I'll start
from the beginning.
- That's a good idea.
- Today was just like every
day or Saturday morning.
- [Lieutenant] Oh, okay.
- Except for last Saturday
'cause last Saturday, I was sick.
- (laughs) He had squirts.
- Did not.
- That's okay, sometimes
people get the squirts.
(bird chirp)
(gentle orchestral music plays)
- [Matt] Anyway, like I
was saying, it started out
as just a regular Saturday,
no running for the school bus.
No teachers, no homework, just fun stuff.
- [Robbie] School can be fun.
- [Matt] My brother is
obviously from another planet.
He thinks tests, reading
and long division are fun.
- [Robbie] You wouldn't
think school was fun
even if they stick a rollercoaster
in the middle of the classroom.
- [Matt] Can they do that?
- [Lieutenant] Gentlemen,
can we stick to the topic?
I just want to know what
happened and I want to know what
happened right from the minute
the alarm clock went off.
- [Matt] Well, sir, it isn't
exactly what you'd call
a regular alarm clock.
- [Lieutenant] No, now what
would you call it then?
- [Robbie] An inertia
generated, self-motivating.
- [Lieutenant] Inertia generated.
- [Robbie] Slumber interrupting apparatus.
- [Lieutenant] Slumber, apparatus.
Get comfortable, boys.
I get the feeling we're
going to be here for a while.
(alarm rings)
(boy snoring)
(toy rings)
(electricity buzzes)
(wheels squeak)
(playful orchestral music begins)
(bubbles pop)
- Pitch, swing, yes, another
home run for me, yes.
2,000 in a row, yes, yes.
- 2,000 home runs in a row,
boy, you really were dreaming.
- It could happen.
- Yeah, like in a parallel
universe, or through some
distortion in the space time continuum.
- You'll see at today's
game, I'm gonna hit one
right out of the park, maybe
even out of the county.
It's gonna blow Dad's mind.
- Hope he doesn't have to work again.
- He'll come, you'll see, he'll be the one
cheering the loudest.
- Well just in case he
does have to work again,
me and mom will come.
You know, I've never
seen anyone hit the ball
out of the county before.
- Thanks, Brainiac.
- Don't mention it, Jock strap.
(light delicate strings play)
- Okay come on, let's take our vitamins.
Robbie, only take one, okay, let's go.
(cereal rattles)
All right, here give me that.
Here you go, some cereal.
- Matt, don't, don't
pour the whole box, okay?
- Mom, tell the rocket
nerd to get his dirty arm
out of my cereal.
- Honey, get your dirty
arm out of the cereal box.
- Tell the baseball breath
I'm trying to get the free
secret decoder ring inside.
- Honey, he's trying to get
the free secret decoder ring
that's inside, no come on, put
the cereal down, let's eat.
Come on, boys, here we go, come on.
Here we go, let's go.
- [Matt] Secret decoder ring?
- Robbie, pass this to
your brother, here honey.
- Hey stop man, you're eating
too much sugar already.
- Yeah right.
- Oh yeah right, you want
anything, I mean come on, stop.
- [Dad] Boys.
- Here's your coffee.
- I'm going into the office this morning.
- Oh murder.
- Wait a minute, honey,
let me ask you something.
Aren't you going to go
to the company barbecue?
We can't not go.
Mr. Wellington's going to
appoint the vice-president today.
We'll be there promptly at 1500 hours.
- 3 o'clock.
- Emily let's call the
German lady to babysit.
(both groan)
The one I like, the
one with the iron fist.
- No mom, not Helga, not the
Eastern wind shot putter.
- Dad, she made us scrub the
toilets with toothbrushes.
- And what's wrong with it?
- Robbie used your toothbrush. (laughs)
Um, you know Dad, I'm 12 now.
And I think I'm responsible
enough to take care of Robbie.
- I can take care of myself.
- Sorry, but that's out of the question.
- Lloyd, they're wonderful boys.
- They can't even eat a bowl of cereal
without arguing over
the silly prize inside.
- Well, come on, he's in the seventh grade
and the barbecue is only a few miles away.
We'll be home by nine.
- 2100 hours.
- Dad, I'm not a little boy
anymore, give me a chance.
I'm responsible enough to handle this.
Nothing will go wrong, I promise.
- Yeah Dad, nothing will go wrong.
- Come on Dad, all the
other boys on my team
get to stay home by themselves.
- I will return at 1400 hours.
- 2 o'clock.
- Your mother and I will
depart for the barbecue
at 1425 hours.
- 2:25.
- Command of this household
will be transferred to you,
Matt at 1426 hours.
(Matt spits)
- 2:26.
- Thanks Dad.
- Good day, gentlemen.
(light orchestral music begins)
(both cheer)
- So how'd you do at the baseball game?
- Not so good, four strikeouts in a row.
- Oh.
- It was better my dad didn't come.
- Well I don't know about that.
- They were great strikeouts
though, maybe even a record.
- Thanks.
(both scream)
- That's the guy.
- [Matt] That's him.
- That's them.
Arrest them.
- Calm down.
- Calm down, calm down?
You know how dangerous and
lethal those two are, sir?
- This is the guy that's 10 feet tall?
- He looked a lot taller
the first we saw him.
- Yeah.
- Sit down.
You can sit down too, sit down.
(mysterious orchestral music plays)
- Oh. (laughs)
Oh.
- You comfortable.
- Hm.
- Now, Mr. Larue.
- Yes?
- I understand that you're
claiming that you're innocent,
an innocent victim of this drama.
- Yes, sir, I am.
Up until an hour ago, I was
minding my own business.
- What?
- Yes.
- The boys claimed that
you were in their house.
What were you doing in their house?
- I wasn't in their house.
I was, I was, I was attacked.
I was attacked by these two
outside, outside their house.
- You're a liar, you were so in our house.
- You were in our house completely.
- Was not.
- [Both] Was too.
- Was not.
- [Both] Was too.
- It's my word against
yours, nananana, pbth.
(all blow raspberries)
- Quiet.
- You were too.
- Buttface.
- Hey, what is this a kindergarten?
Now Mr Larue, let's start
with you from the beginning.
We have a witness that
saw you parked outside
the Clauswell house early this morning.
What were you doing outside
the Clauswell house?
- You have a witness?
- That's right.
- Oh, well, then let me think.
(sneaky orchestral music begins)
Just, uh, think, think,
witnesses, could have seen this,
some noisy neighbors, hope they didn't see
what we was doing.
Nah, they couldn't have,
it was inconspicuous.
You sure Clauswell isn't
going to see us here, baby?
- It's seven o'clock
on a Saturday morning.
These people don't even begin their boring
suburban lives until at least nine.
- Beauty and brains, oh no, come here.
- Skip, do you want to be vice president
of Wellington Insurance?
The next in line to inherit
a multimillion dollar empire?
Or do you want to just sit
around and make kissy face
with me all day long, hm?
- I got to pick one?
- The man in that house,
is going to steal that promotion
right out from under you
unless you do exactly as I say.
Remember, lover boy,
no promotion, no Patsy.
- Yes, phase one, this morning,
I got the combination
of the corporate safe
from Clauswell's computer and withdrew
50 grand of Wellington's money, bang.
- Phase two, we join the
other drone employees.
- Like Clauswell.
- At that screwball Wellington's estate.
Do you have the tape recorder?
- Right here.
- Now why do I need this?
- To record your voice so that
I can play it at the party
and people will think you never left.
- Ah, but I do leave, phase three.
I drive over here,
break in, hide the dough
and sneak back to the party.
- And I make a call and the police arrest
that sack Clauswell for stealing.
- Bang, I get the promotion.
- And I get one of the most
powerful young executives
in the state.
Makes me quiver just to think about it.
- Quiver?
- Oh Skip.
- Oh Boom boom.
- [Lieutenant] All right, that's
it, wake up, wake up Larue.
- [Skip] Ah.
- Larue, wake up.
(boys laugh)
I asked you what you
were doing park outside
the Clauswell house this morning.
- Oh, I have an answer to that.
- Well good, let's hear it.
- I wasn't there.
I wasn't, never, I'm innocent.
I only drove by that,
nobody could have seen me.
Oh Patsy, she wasn't there either.
She wasn't driving, she wasn't even there.
We weren't there together, Patsy and I.
We were someplace else.
- Well, I guess that rose on my theory
that you're the brains
behind the operation.
- I'd say so.
- So boys, your parents left
you alone for the afternoon,
trusting that you would
be perfect gentlemen.
- Yeah.
- And they weren't worried at all.
- Absolutely not.
- Synchronize your watches, gentlemen.
It is now 1424 hours.
- I left the number for the
police, fire department,
ambulance, poison control.
- The TV goes off at 1900.
- Gas company, electric company.
- Don't play in the garage.
- If you need to call anyone,
just well call your Aunt Bertha.
- Keep away from my tools.
- Call your grandma.
- Don't walk on the new carpet.
- Call cousin Eddie.
- Don't touch the kitchen appliances
and don't play in the closets.
- I wish I had the number for the Lord.
- You fight, yell, break
or damage anything.
- Please be good boys.
- And you'll be pulling KP
for the rest of this year.
- Love you.
- And I will never, ever leave you at home
by yourselves again and
that's a promise, Matt.
- Robbie.
- [Dad] Do you understand?
- Do you?
You're acting just like your father.
- And what's wrong with that?
- (laughs) All right.
- All right, all right,
he's a little strict.
- Yeah.
- But I turned out all right didn't I?
I might be the vice president.
- For an army brat, oh come on.
He ruled with an iron fist, I mean,
times have changed a little bit.
You should lighten up on
the boys a little, you know?
Come on sweetheart, now
what, they're good boys.
Now please, what's the worst
that could possibly happen?
- Yeah.
(car door slam)
(car engine revs)
- Yeah, Mom and Dad are gone.
- [Both] We did it, yeah.
(both clap)
(boys grunt)
- Stop no.
What do you think you're doing?
- Getting some ice cream.
- Ice cream?
- You know, ice cream, a
frozen dairy product available
in a multitude of tasty
flavors sometimes served
with cherries and chocolate syrup?
- I know what it is, put those back.
- Why should I, who
died and left you boss?
- Listen, nerd brain.
We're having frozen
dinners in a little while.
(whipped scream sprays)
- Yeah, so what?
Do I need your permission
to urinate, oh great one?
- All right, have your
ice cream, a small bowl.
Make sure you eat it in here.
- Yeah, whatever.
(playful orchestral music begins)
- What do you think you're doing?
- We already discussed this,
it's called ice cream, stupid.
- You can't eat that in here.
- And you can't pitch decent curve ball.
That makes us even.
- Mom doesn't want you
spilling anything in here.
- Well, mom isn't here now, is she?
- If you don't give me
that ice cream right now,
I'm going to push your nose in so far,
you're going to be able
to smell your brain.
- Make me.
(dramatic orchestral music begins)
- [Both] No come on.
Stop, let go.
(both scream)
We're gonna get it.
(ice cream squishes)
(vacuum blows)
(both clap)
- Hey.
- Don't change the station,
I was watching cartoons.
- Give me the control.
- Doesn't matter.
You left the room, so you forfeit control.
- That's the stupidest thing I ever heard.
So when daddy leaves to go to work
and mom didn't let him
use the toilet anymore?
- I wouldn't expect a neanderthal like you
to understand the concept.
- Get away for the TV.
- Make me bench warmer, bully.
- Wimp.
- Dunce head.
- Water weenie.
(both grunt)
(TV static)
- [Announcer] San Francisco.
(glass shatters)
- Oh no.
(TV clatters)
(both grunt)
- [Both] Look what you did.
Me?
You did.
- I'll get the broom.
- I'll get the broom, stay there.
- That's what I said, you get the broom.
- That's pretty bad behavior
boys, by your own admission
and you still trying to tell me
that you're totally innocent?
- [Both] Yeah.
- I don't buy it.
Something smells wrong here,
what do you think Chief?
- It does sound pretty bad, boys.
What were your parents thinking?
(phone rings)
- They were having their own fun.
- Yeah, I mean, they were on
their way to a great party.
(bird chirping)
- And I know you think
I'm hard on the boys
but it's just so they grow up strong.
I just don't want them to
grow up having to put on
some song and dance for a nutty boss
who's more impressed with a flashy dance
than he is by hard work.
We both know how hard I've
worked for this promotion.
I just hope Mr Wellington knows too.
♪ Blue skies, blue skies ♪
♪ If that empty feeling ♪
- Mr. Wellington?
- Yes.
- Check out this hare raising moment.
(country music continues)
Badaboom, badaba, boom ba.
- What?
(metal clangs)
That's a miracle.
- No, the sun has come out and I just know
you're gonna get the promotion
but all you have to do
is just interact with
some of these people.
- I'm not good at that.
- Why not?
- To start with, I don't know the names
of most of these people.
- Oh, for Pete's sake, you've been working
with them for 20 years. (laughs)
- Too busy selling death and disability
to socialize with these folks.
- Don't forget that smile and you,
hands down by your sides,
can you get any taller?
That's tall enough, now.
Don't look so serious,
this is, this is a party.
That's right, you're happy to be here.
(both scream in a foreign language)
(metal bangs)
- Ah, no hot dog, capiche?
- Take it up with the
League of Nations. (laughs)
(chef speaks a foreign language)
- Ah.
(both scream in a foreign language)
♪ Empty feeling ♪
♪ And the tears will fill your eyes ♪
- [Lieutenant] So you arrived at the party
at the same time as the Clauswells.
Would you say that's
an accurate statement?
- Pretty much.
- [Lieutenant] All right, that's it.
- I'd say so.
- Now, boys, it sounds to
me like you had the makings
of a full scale war on
your hands, commander.
- That's just the beginning.
- It got totally worse.
I'll do it.
- No, I will, stop.
- No.
(TV zaps)
- [Both] You broke Dad's TV.
- You did.
- [Both] You did.
- Me?
You did.
- I was cleaning up, you did, menace.
- Oh man, oh man, you did it.
You screwed up my whole life.
- Me?
It's your fault, you pushed me.
You're always pushing me around.
- Dad will never let me
out of house, never ever,
all because of you.
- What about me?
Won't let me out either.
- What the heck do you care?
You're eight years old, a long trip to you
is from here to the backyard.
- That's it, I've had it.
- That's right, you get out of here.
You're too much of a baby to
be left down here alone anyway
and from now on, the
living room is off limits.
- Off limits, you can't do that,
you don't own the living room.
- Oh yes I do and my
first rule as the owner
of the living room kingdom
is no whiny diaper boys
are allowed in under penalty
and getting their butt beat.
- You're a, a, megalomaniac.
- Well you're a, megolo-weeniac.
- Fine, you get the living room,
then I get our bedroom.
Where do you think you're going?
- In my room.
- What?
Hey, it's my room too, you know?
- [Matt] Not anymore,
you brainless wonder.
- When it comes to brainless,
you have a monopoly.
Let me in.
- No, I'm not going to let.
- Let me in.
(bangs on door)
Uh oh.
- See, I told you they were dangerous.
I was brutally assaulted by these two.
Do I look like the kind of
guy would do this to myself?
(chair bangs)
Ow.
- It's not like we're trying
to totally destroy each other.
(head bangs)
- Point well taken.
- Oh, oh, hurry, ah.
- Ah, tsh, tsh.
- Oh.
(boys laugh)
- Not to digress, but I'm hungry.
- Yeah, can we have a snack or something?
- Yeah, maybe some ice cream?
- All right, now it's your turn.
- Oh, I like, I like a fudge sundae.
No nuts, I don't like nuts.
- I'm not talking about you dessert.
I'm not interested in your dessert.
I'm talking about the party.
I want to know what else
happened at the party.
Am I making myself clear, eh?
- I understand you.
- So what's the next things
that happened at the party?
- Eh, miraculous, well,
Clauswell, glad you showed up.
- My wife, Emily.
- How do you do, Emily, happy you're here.
- Nice to.
- We wouldn't have
missed it for the world.
- Not all the tea in China.
- Well, you're right on the nose, dear.
- (laughs) Forget the tea, what
the what about all the rice?
- Oh what about all the rice?
I guess everybody's excited
because at this barbecue today,
I'm going to announce, I'm
going to announce the promotion
of the man that's going to get
the job in my firm. (laughs)
Right Blanche, Blanche, Blanche, Blanche?
What are you doing?
I'm calling for you, be right on hand
because if I holler,
Blanche, Blanche, Blanche,
they'll think there's something
mentally wrong with me.
Don't look at me that way.
- Now Mr. Wellington, when,
when you make a decision,
I wanted to know how that.
- Top of the day, Mr. Wellington.
- Oh how do you do Skip.
- Ladies, if you weren't
hanging out with such
sharp looking gentlemen, I'd
take you both home with me.
Hear what I'm saying?
- And you're?
- Skip Larue, ma'am, they
call me Skip because I skip
breakfast, skip books over 150 pages.
Skip anything on public
access and skip to my loo
every night, ha, or is that
too much information, bang.
- Sometimes I wish he would skip talking.
- Mr. Wellington, this lovely
lady is my main squeeze, Miss.
- Patsy BB Parker.
- Bang.
- How do, how do.
- How do.
- Something, huh?
It's hard to believe she was ever a baby.
If you know what I mean, bang.
- Silly, it's all in the
eyes of the beholder,
don't you think?
- You mind my asking question?
- Be my guest.
- What does the BB stand for?
- See when my mother was
in labor, there was a.
- 4th of July fireworks, big.
- And bang.
- Right, so she called me, boom, boom.
- That name seems to have stuck with you.
- Just like glue.
- Just like glue. (laughs)
- Well, I know we're all
standing on pins and needles
wondering who is going to
be the next vice president
of the company, n'est ce pas?
- I think you're right, Miss Boom Boom.
- Call me Patsy.
- Yeah, call her Patsy.
- Just don't call it late for dinner.
(Patsy laughs)
- Bang.
- Bang, bang, boom. (laughs)
- Actually Patsy, that was
very perceptive of you.
- What was?
- Well, nevermind.
- Oh, I'm sorry, I remember
now, the promotion.
Well, I know that my Skip
hasn't gotten the promotion
as yet, but let's face it,
it is a young man's world.
This company needs vitality
and new ideas and my man.
- The Skip.
- Skip, has a heck of
an edge on some of these
old dinosaurs, n'est ce pas?
- Excuse me, excuse me.
Excuse me, but my husband's up
for the job as well, Miss Porker.
- Porker?
It's Parker.
Oh, excuse me.
- Darling?
- We'll be back in a bang.
- Excusez moi.
- I thought Lloyd Clauswell was my friend,
but you should've seen the
way their mother attacked
my poor little Patsy.
Just about broke Patsy's heart.
I'll tell you that, seeing
that their mom is so evil,
there's no wonder these
two are so vicious.
- Hey, what you mean by that?
- Yeah, don't call our mom names.
- Take it back.
- Eat your dessert.
- But he called our mom vicious.
- We're not vicious, in fact
we're very peace loving.
- Well, suppose you two peace loving boys
tell me what happened after you,
after you kicked the door in, eh?
- I grabbed my salve and
soap and water cannon
and filled it with a
mixture of stale cheese dip,
vinegar and clam juice.
(machine whirs)
- [Robbie] I took an
expensive stain remover
and used my automatic eight catapult
to cook up some rations for the duration.
- It was time for me to catch territory
and nothing was gonna stand in my way.
Who cut one?
(lamp wobbles)
Mama.
(sneaky orchestral music plays)
Ah, dead meat meaty boy.
- Mm.
- Ah.
Ah.
(water squirts)
- There they go again, Sydney,
oh, those Clauswell boys.
(water squirts)
What are they doing?
- They're just playing games, that's all.
Boys will boys.
- I know they're playing games, Sydney,
but what games?
- Casper the friendly ghost,
or something like that I think.
(Matt grunts)
- When we were young,
we simply played doctor.
(both grunt)
Oh.
- Surprise.
(water splashes)
- [Lieutenant] So peace loving.
- Here you go.
- Now let me get this straight, Mr. Larue.
You say you went to
the party all day long.
Have any witnesses that
can attest that you were
at the party all day long
before you went to the Clauswell house?
Anybody that actually saw you?
- Saw me?
You know, I'm a very hard guy to spot.
I'm my adjunct, not a nut.
I break out.
People don't usually see
me because I'm slick.
You know, I work a party.
- That I'm taking.
- I'm sassy, you know, I move like a cat.
I'll tell you one thing,
if people didn't see me,
they sure heard me, I
can make book on that.
- Oh yeah?
(tape rewinds)
- I'm almost finished,
so sorry about this.
It's those darn cheese balls.
- See with Wellington,
you can't sit in your little
matchbox cubicle all day.
- It's not enough to
come in early, stay late.
- See, at Wellington Insurance,
you spend half your day
telling people how you came
in early and stayed late.
- Dedication is in the
eyes of the beholder.
It's survival of the flashiest.
Just ask Skip Larue.
- So hard work alone won't cut it here.
(all laugh)
- [Man] A bit like this,
remember in kindergarten,
the kid who sang a twinkle
twinkle little star the best
was the most popular?
- Yes I do, that would be me.
- [Second Man] Here, let me tell you what,
let me buy a drink.
I'll explain how to abuse
corporate email system.
- Got it.
- No, not yet dear, it's
hard to see in here.
I don't see them.
Oh boy, wasn't that shrimp good?
Don't worry, I'll find
them or my name isn't Skip.
(country music continues)
- Blanche.
Blanche, Blanche.
Hello, Blanche.
Blanche.
(door slams)
- 50 grand in cash.
I've never seen this much
money in my whole life.
(hand slaps)
- And you never will if you
don't start using your brain.
You want your fingerprints on the money?
Do you want everyone to
know that you stole it
from the company safe?
- No, of course not,
I'm not an idiot okay?
(Skip kisses)
- If you say so.
- I say so.
- Now just remember
speed is of the essence.
Take the money you zip
over to Mr. Smartypants
for Clauswell's house,
plant the money inside.
Would you listen, stop that.
You zip back over here, stop it.
I'll make sure nobody even
knows you left the barbecue.
- Check.
I tell Wellington there
was a break in this morning
and I saw Clauswell running in.
We call the caps, they find a stolen dough
in Clauswell's house.
- He goes to jail for a 100
years and you get the promotion.
- Bang.
- After all the losers I've dated,
finally, I'm going to have a man who
is a corporate vice president,
with a big car and a
big stinging paycheck.
(Skip spits)
I'm so proud of you Tim.
- Skip, are you sure I'm
not going to get caught?
- Where's the tape machine.
- Right here.
- Did you put everything on
this tape that I told you to?
- Yes, it's nice and clear
but I'm not sure that.
- I thought you said you loved me.
You said I was the most
beautiful woman you'd ever had.
Were you lying?
- No, of course not, Boom
boom, I'd anything for you.
- For us.
- To us, goodbye, my darling.
- Goodbye my sweet, sweet.
- My princess.
- My prince.
(both kiss)
- Tallyho.
Oh, ow, I'm all right.
Ow, I'm all right.
- My meal ticket, bozo.
- [Matt] Man, I can't believe how strong
that sopping soap and water cannon is.
- [Robbie] You could blast
it, went across the sea.
- [Matt] Across the country.
- [Robbie] Across the
Milky Way galaxy. (laughs)
(sneaky strings play)
I can't believe it stinks that much.
- [Matt] That's because
I poured extra clam juice
in my water cannon, just
for that smelly diaper.
- [Robbie] Mom's gonna
get mad when she finds out
you ruined my best shirt.
- [Matt] I ruined nothing, it's fine.
- [Robbie] It smells like fish sticks.
- [Matt] What's wrong with that?
Fish smell like fish sticks
but you don't see them
whining about it.
- [Sergeant] Pee-yoo.
(fans whir)
(door opens)
- Insurance bowling league,
worst score, Lloyd Clauswell.
What a loser.
- [Robbie] I'm going upstairs.
- [Matt] What for?
- [Robbie] What do you care?
- [Matt] My room is still off
limits to whiny baby brothers
so you better keep out.
(door opens)
- Like candy from a baby.
(rustling bags)
Vice president Skip Larue.
- Hey.
- Now, can anybody tell me what this is?
Don't tell me it's a duffel bag,
I want to know what's inside and why.
- I know what's inside.
It's my collection of
Captain Science comic books.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Don't touch the evidence.
Can anybody tell me about this?
- Well, I wanted to get
Robbie back for squirting me.
- Oh.
- And I knew where his
secret hiding spot was,
in the closet, so I, so I took it
and threw it out the window.
- You threw like priceless
bag of comics out the window?
- It was war, I mean, people
do stupid things in war.
Heck, in real war, they
throw, instead of duffel bags,
throw duffel bombs, gosh.
- That's true enough.
Do you have anything to
say about this, Mr. Larue?
- Not at this time, no.
- All right, this is exhibit one.
- [Matt] Since you won't
come out of my room, Robbie,
I'm throwing your bag of
Captain Science comics
I found in the closet out the window.
(bag rustles)
(sneaky orchestral music continues)
- Oh.
(truck rumbles)
Oh gees, oh gees.
(Skip screams)
(machine whirs loudly)
- With neighbors like
these, who needs cable.
(Skip sniffs)
- Hm, hm.
- The bag, Skip.
- Huh?
- The bag with the
comics in it, exhibit one
was found where it
belonged, in the closet.
Would it interest you
to know that this bag,
the one with the dog tooth marks in it,
was also, was also found at the scene.
- So that's what he was trying to hide.
- Yeah, the one with a
million dollars in it.
- Was not, I never even
seen that duffel bag
before in my life.
- Oh really?
You never even touched this duffel bag?
- I can't even spell duffel bag.
- That I believe.
What I don't believe is your story.
Would it be interesting for you to know
that the dog tooth marks found on this bag
exactly marks on your.
- Butt.
- Exactly.
- Oh.
- Excuse me, it seems to me, that were bit
while holding a bag with 20 grand in it?
- 20 grand, what happened to the other 30?
- Oh, was there $50,000 in the bag.
How interesting.
Now would you tell us
what was really happening
at this party that you were at all day?
- Like I said, people must have heard me.
Those two chefs went nuts, you know.
They made some bad cheese balls.
Kept me in the John for hours, got me.
- Is that the truth?
- Absolutely the truth, nothing but truth.
Indivisible and justice for all.
- Well if it's not the
truth, it's your butt.
- Amen.
(both scream in a foreign language)
- Blanche, Blanche.
Have you seen Blanche,
have you seen Blanche?
- Uh huh, no I haven't.
- He'll be just another minute.
My Skip is a little irregular.
I think it was those cheese balls.
Stay away from those cheese balls.
Are you all right, dear?
(remote clicks)
- I'm almost finished, sorry hun,
it's those darn cheese balls.
- Where you looking for Skip?
'Cause he's right in here.
- I'm almost finished,
so sorry about this.
It's those darn cheese balls.
- Those cheese balls.
- We heard.
- Okay Eddie, you gotta
get over here, man.
I got the whole house to myself.
No, no, no, no, the dweeb
dwarf has been outside.
- This is war.
- Just get over here, okay?
Okay bye.
- Buggsy, war alert, I repeat, war alert.
Get Einstein, meet me at the clubhouse.
- Hey, maybe ants can fly.
(shuffling sand)
- Huh?
Mm, hm mm.
(playful orchestral music continues)
Oo, ah.
Oo wow, wow, wow wow, oo,
eh, oo, wow, wow, wow wow.
Oo oo.
- Look at that Sydney, he's crazier
than all of them put together.
- No, goodness gracious,
have a look at what time,
he's partying.
- Sydney, that's that
new macaroni craze dance
that everybody's doing.
- Waka waka waka.
- I put where you get that,
it's not the macaroni dance
that everybody's doing,
that's the mackerel dance,
like the fish.
- Oh that's.
- I saw it on Rosie O'Donnell.
- Oh.
- This and then you cross these
and then you go right back
and then you turn around.
- Turn around. (laughs)
- Is that something?
- (laughs) Let's do it again.
We'll surprise Mabel and Harry.
- Oh, they'll call crazy now.
- I know.
- One, two.
(Skip grunts)
- Ow.
- Man, look at this guy,
have you ever seen anyone
so ugly in your life?
- That's no guy, that's Hilda,
the East German shot putter,
our babysitter.
- That's our babysitter.
- You Matt,
you found the duffel bag
in the closet thinking
it was Robbie's and you
threw it over the fence,
isn't that right?
- Yeah.
- You Robbie, in order
to get back at Matt,
you gathered some of your
friends and attempted
to destroy something of
Matt's, is that right?
- Yeah.
- In order to accomplish this,
you used this remote control for what?
- It's for the the lawnmower.
Your code name is Einstein.
- But you always call me Einstein.
- That's your nickname but
now it's your codename.
- Buggsy, your codename is, is Buggsy.
- Gee, I hope I can remember that.
The way I see it, is we've got the brains,
but the enemy's got the muscle.
So since we're too small to
move Matt out of the house,
we've got to find a way
to make him want to leave.
- I got it, like a juicy fart.
- Too dangerous.
- For all of us, you idiot.
- If there was only
something of his so important
we could hold hostage,
so important that he'd rush
out of the house to save it.
- And pound our heads in the process?
No, thanks.
- We'd have to do it by remote control,
but I don't think there's anything else
of his out here in the clubhouse to.
(tense orchestra music begins)
(all laugh)
- [All] Yeah, yay.
- [Robbie] Oh Matt.
- What's going on?
My uniform.
Now, now flip.
(dramatic orchestra music continues)
All right, all right, this
way, this way, this way.
Hey, someone stop this thing.
(boys laugh)
(Matt screams)
- I can't stop the mower.
- What are we gonna do?
- Back to the drawing board, let's go.
- Help.
- You chased your
brother with a lawnmower?
- Things got out of hand, I guess.
- Can I ask you question,
how did you get away?
- It ran out of gas.
- Ah ha, it ran out of gas.
Lucky for you, and you,
Larue, you still maintain
you were never at the
Clauswell house, is that right?
- Yes, no, no way, I was at the party.
- And you will never attack
by the thousands of fire ants
and you will never
chased bitten on the butt
by a very angry dog?
- No, no, uh huh, I love
dogs, and they love me.
(Matt barks)
(dog barks)
(Skip screams)
- Good boy.
Ah.
Like I said, these wounds on my buttocks
were from splinters or something.
People heard me at the party, ask anyone.
- Did you find them yet, dear?
- No, not yet, but I see them.
- He's so sweet, I lost
my glasses, didn't I dear?
- I don't see them.
I'll find them or my name
isn't Skip, patience dear.
- Skip I have all the
patience in the world.
Do I look like I'm in a hurry?
(sneak orchestral music begins)
- Oh, oh I'm so sorry Boo, I'm sorry Boo.
(water splashes)
- Patsy, it's me, I'm in
trouble, I haven't planted
the money yet.
- Listen to me, you
incompetent nincompoop.
If you screw this up,
not only will I never talk to you again,
but I will have you
arrested for impersonating
a person with a brain.
- Lost the wife, huh Lloyd?
- Oh, she's around here somewhere.
- Oh she's probably be
stuck in that long line
for the bathroom, come on, join us.
- You got kids, Clauswell?
- Yeah, two boys.
- Really, you have any pictures?
- Gonna need pictures to remember
what those kids look like
if you get that VP promotion.
- All those long hours can
really take their toll.
- Oh, you're telling me, ugh.
Have you heard about what
happened to Wellington's kids?
- Yeah, last I heard two
of them were in prison.
One joined the Hare Krishnas
and one spent so much time
at the Betty Ford Center
they built a house
on the grounds for him.
- I'm sure that won't happen to your kids.
- No, they're good boys.
- (laughs) You know, that's funny.
Wellington said the same
thing about his kids.
- You know, I think I
see Emily over there.
- Lloyd, what I say?
- I'm innocent.
- I'm gonna figure this out,
I'm gonna figure it out.
- You boys are gonna stay here with me.
Who?
All right, come with me.
William, you know what to do.
(phones ring)
- They on their way their way to juvie?
- They went to the bathroom.
- Oh.
- It's just the guys now, just you and me.
- Just us guys.
- So why don't you tell me
about that fragile flower?
What kind of girl is Patsy?
- Patsy?
Well, you know, you know how,
how someone famous said behind every,
every a really cool guy,
there's a great chick?
- I heard that.
- That's her, she's dedicated to me.
Beautiful, sensitive, dedicated, me.
- I'm happy for ya.
- Me too.
- Now finish the job or else.
Okay hun, bye.
- Hong Kong, Berlin and Cleveland.
Excuse me.
Yes, to the left and a
little faster, oh gosh.
(Mr. Wellington grunts)
What's this?
Oh.
- Am I at the wrong party?
- No dear, you're at the right party.
You're just 40 years too late.
(both laugh)
- [Lieutenant] Is this about the time
reinforcements arrived?
- Um, yeah, Eddie's one guy that knows
how to make an entrance.
(both laugh)
- It cost a nickel when I was a kid.
- Ah, things change boo.
- I know, it's funny.
It's terrible.
- I'll say one thing though,
it's better than yours.
(Sydney grunts)
Talk about sour, boo, babe.
- Oh no, it's Eddie, ow.
Lemonade mister?
That's be 25 cents.
(coins rattle)
Hey, just because I'm a little girl,
doesn't mean I'm not tough.
Ah, my nose.
- Get out of here.
(kids scream)
- So you think the big
promotion will go to Skip?
He has all those corporate qualities
you've been talking so much about.
- He's an absolute company
go getter all right,
but unfortunately he's
also an absolute moron.
- My vote stays with Clauswell.
I mean, he may not be a people person,
but he's got that determination
to become the next Wellington.
- (laughs) You're right, he's perfect.
For weekends, evenings, he'll
never see those two boys
again, unless he hires them
to sweep up his office.
(all laugh)
(moving orchestral music begins)
- Open up, let me in, hey you.
If I get hand of you, I'll
hit you so hard, you'll,
you'll destroy an itch, I
mean it, let me in, come on.
- Sh.
- Listen to me, I have never
seen such ill mannered,
uncivil, shameful behavior in my life.
- Right Boo.
- Wait Sydney, I wasn't
sick of this stuff.
- Open up, you piece of.
(loud banging)
- [Eddie] Matt.
- Oh, hi Eddie.
- What's up man?
- Nothing much, um,
everything's under control.
The kids were ticking me off
so I locked them inside the house.
- So you locked your brother in the house?
- Yeah, dude, pretty cool, huh?
Ow, what was that for?
- To try to slap some brains into you.
That's not the Matt I know.
- Well, things got a little out of hand.
I mean, what do you expect me to do?
- Act like a man, a big brother.
- Okay, so what does
a real big brother do?
He uses his size advantage to beat the tar
out of his little brother.
That's the code of the big brother.
- Hey my man, let's kick
some little brother butt.
(mischievous orchestral music plays)
- Cheers. (laughs)
(glasses clink)
I haven't heard you laughs like
this for like weeks, months.
- Yeah, I think you're right.
I'm always worried
about the boys, I guess.
- Oh, the boys.
- But then there's work.
- And your promotion, I know, I know.
I mean, you can't raise the boys
like during military
school, they're good boys.
- Oh, Lloyd, dear, I, I heard
what you're talking about
the boys, I raised four boys, myself.
All their life, they were
fighting about who was going
to wear who's clothes.
Well, the next thing you know,
they wanted to learn to cook.
I thought that was fine, well
I told them to cook spaghetti.
They said how?
I said, well, you start the water boiling.
So I got the water and
bur bur bur bur bur.
I said, now you put it in later on.
You know, when it gets really hot
and I left the house and
first thing you know,
bur bur bur bur bur boom and
it blew the house up sky high.
- Oh my.
- Blew it sky high.
- That's right, blew it sky high.
- Here that Emily, blew it sky high.
Call the boys, they might be cooking.
- It just proves my theory, big brains
beat thick skulls.
- [Robbie] Every time.
- All for one, and one for all.
(hammer knocks)
(rock music continues)
Yeah.
(phone rings)
- Robbie headquarters.
- Honey, hello, honey, hm, hello?
- Hi.
- Robbie?
- Oh mom.
- Robbie honey, what's that loud music?
- Oh yeah, that was the car radio.
Yeah, loud huh?
- Yes, yeah, uh sweetie,
is everything okay?
Is everything under control?
- Well, yeah, you could say
I'm in complete control.
- Well, honey, I'm glad to hear that,
now can I talk to Matt?
- Matt?
Okay, hold on, she wants to talk to Matt.
- What?
No no, show, showering.
- Um, he's washing.
- Shower, shower.
- The dishes.
His face, no his body, and a shower,
yeah, Matt can't shower.
- Wait a minute, the fact that
that Matt's taking a shower
without being forced to what
I find really surprising
and I find it wildly surprising
that you're excited by this.
- Well who wouldn't, I mean, yeah,
think I'll take a bath too, all right?
Okay, yeah, uh, bye, bye.
- Uh.
- Hello?
Hello?
(birds chirp)
- They're good boys, they're
really, really good boys.
But they're not that good.
- Shower Einstein?
The only time Matt ever takes the showers
is when he has plants
growing all over him.
- How am I supposed to know?
It beats you stammering. (laughs)
- Sorry.
(sneaky plucked string music begins)
(Matt groans)
- Oh.
- Matt's outside, Matt's
outside, nanananana.
(boys laugh)
(boys grunt)
- Let me go, wait, you're hurting me.
- Shut up and open the door.
- Yo boy, grab yourself
a dweeb and join me.
- I'm telling mom.
- Hard to do without your teeth.
(boys grunt)
- You shrimps are under
arrest for stealing a house.
- I won the battle for the
kitchen fair and square.
- Shut up.
- Yeah, shut up.
- The verdict.
- Guilty.
- [Eddie] The punishment?
- Annihilation and getting
their face pounded in.
- You first Einslime.
- It's Einstein to you, I'm gonna die,
you wouldn't understand.
- Come on, Matt, make him put him down.
Einstein didn't do anything to him.
- Okay Eddie, he's had enough.
- We're just getting started.
- Forget it, Eddie, its Robbie I want,
not his wienie friends, cut him loose.
- What about Robbie,
can't he come with us?
- I'm not afraid, go ahead.
- Get lost.
So I'm stupid, am I?
- Are you asking me or telling me?
- Let me handle this, Eddie.
- Get in line.
- Come on Eddie, let go of him.
(dramatic orchestral music continues)
- Go on, take a swig.
- Put me down, you cromagnum.
- Water weenie.
- Ditto.
(Robbie grunts)
Help Matt, I'm scared.
- Eddie, let him go.
- He ain't even water logged yet.
- I said, let go of my brother right now.
(water splashes)
- Fine, chill out, I'm
just playing a joke.
- [Matt] You know, just get out of here.
- I'd be happy to.
Wouldn't want to catch
your wuss fever anyway.
- [Matt] Fine.
- [Eddie] Fine.
- [Matt] Fine.
Fine.
- Fine.
Fine.
- Fine.
- You know, just get out of here.
- Fine.
- You all right?
- I'm fine.
- Just remember, I didn't
start your little war.
You losers were on your
knees before I got here.
(door slam)
- I'd say thanks but you're the one
that let your psycho friend
in here in the first place.
- My psycho friend?
Wasn't it your psycho friend
who turned the lawnmower
into the Terminator?
(kids scream)
- [Eddie] I'm gonna catch you two.
- [Lieutenant] So your brother saved you
from this Eddie character, huh?
- I knew my brother would
come through for me.
- Of course I would, you're my brother,
and brothers should take
care of one another.
- Yep.
- All right brainiac.
- All right Jockstrap.
- Very touching, but I
still got a case to solve.
So what happened?
- [Both] He broke into our house.
- Did not.
- [Both] Did too.
- Did not a million times.
- [Both] Well did not a billion times.
- I would never break
into somebody's house.
- [Both] Did too.
(chimes rings)
- Oh, oh oh oh.
(mysterious string music begins)
- Sh, someone's in the house.
Don't do that.
It's probably one of your
psycho maniac friends, come on.
- Matt, I don't like this.
- I suppose you think
I'm having a good time.
(door squeaks)
- What happened next?
- Let's start from the
beginning, it was, it was scary.
- I know, it was scary.
- So scary.
- This big, hairy guy.
- [Both] Torn up by the
dog, we just got it.
- I mean we knew he was gonna rob us.
- He was gonna rob our
Dad and we were like.
- What should we do Matt?
- Do exactly as I say.
We might be enemies but
we're still brothers.
We have to arm ourselves just in case.
- You want me to go in there?
- Why not, it's your room too.
- All right.
(door opens)
- He's robbing Dad.
- Yeah, did you see all that money?
That must be a secret.
- I know, not even I've
seen that much money
in my whole life.
(door closes)
- Well, well, well, if it
isn't the Destructo brothers.
- Look, steal what you want and leave.
We don't want to cause any trouble.
- Trouble?
You don't want to cause any trouble.
You don't want to cause any trouble?
Because you too, I have been
ripped, beaten, battered,
dirty, look at these $60 pants.
I was thrown in the garbage
and I had to deal with Kujo
because you threw the bag of the fence.
Well, I don't forgive you.
I do think it's trouble.
You guys are giving me more
nightmares than Freddy Kruger
and Tyrannosaurus Rex combined.
- Sorry, I guess.
- Sorry?
You can't use me like a
human pinata and say, sorry.
You got to have something else to say
because I don't forgive you.
I do not forgive you, this is unfair.
I don't forgive you and
I don't forgive you.
- What you do?
- Man, he just outsmarted us.
(gorilla growls loudly)
(Robbie growls)
(liquid sprays)
(Robbie grunts)
- Let me out, let me out.
Oo, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
You're gonna get it.
- Fire.
- Right in the forehead, just like.
- All over his face.
- [Matt] Oh it was all sticky.
(boys laugh)
- [Both] Ninja road trip.
- Yeah, I threw the rope.
- Threw the rope.
(boys yell)
- Oh, ow, ow.
Uh.
- Bam, right in the face,
he got a big old bump.
- He tried to get us again though.
- [Matt] But we kept tickling him.
- Oh.
Ah, ah.
- A guy with a wooden snake,
this guy was just like.
Oh gosh.
- You were scared by a toy
snake and a pair of maracas?
- I had fly gunk in, fly
paper gunk in my eyes.
Couldn't see if they
was real snakes or not.
- Oh, that explains it I guess.
- What I'd give if you are, ah.
- [Robbie] You remember this Skippy?
- Ah, you remember that Skippy?
Not as ticklish as we are.
(boys laugh)
- All right, what were
you doing in our house?
- Yeah, what were you doing in our house?
- I'll never tell.
Ah, ah.
(alarm rings)
(Skip laughs)
(playful orchestral music continues)
- Ow, ow, ow, ow.
I'll talk, I'll confess,
I'll tell you everything.
- What were doing in our house?
- I won't tell you nothing.
(boys yell)
- [Both] But then he escaped.
- So it looks like he had you pretty good.
What did you do?
- My egg catapult.
- Yeah.
- You stopped a grown
man with an egg catapult?
- Well actually it was the
kitchen door I covered in glue.
- [Both] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- That big.
- It was super glue, it was, it was.
(all yell)
(head bangs)
- Oh.
- Oh, what going on here?
Who is this guy?
- He's psycho.
- He's a thief.
(all kids yell)
- You talked to the boys again?
- Since the last strange
call, the phone's been busy.
- Maybe Matt's calling his friends.
- You know, I really
think we should go home.
- Go home, so soon?
- We need to go check on her boys.
- Big trouble at home?
- No, no, we don't think so.
Like Emily says, they're good boys.
- Mm hm.
- Hm, what does hm mean, why hm?
- Mr. Clauswell, I want to
talk to you for a moment
if I may, I find it strange,
you wanting to go home
in the middle of the big barbecue party
before I announced the
appointment of a man
who was going to have the promotion.
- I need to talk to you about that.
- I want to talk to you, Mr. Clauswell.
Do you think that it's more
important to play catch
or watch a little league game
than to work in my office?
- You know, if you had asked
me that two months ago,
or maybe even yesterday, you
probably would have received
a different answer.
- I'll tell you the
answer I'm looking for.
I'm looking for loyalty, integrity.
- Mr. Wellington, I do good work here.
Heck, I know I do good work.
- I know you do good work,
but I want to tell you about work.
I started from the bottom
and I got to the top.
- Let me tell you something.
I'll continue to do good work here
'cause I love my job and I love my boys.
But this morning I missed
my oldest son's ball game
just so I could come to your office.
(moving orchestral music begins)
- My father has always told me
that the office is the place.
- With all due respect,
I'm not going to let
that happen again.
- You're not gonna let it happen again?
- That's right.
- That's your answer?
- That's my answer.
What was that for?
- I'm so proud of you.
- Feelings mutual.
Should we go home?
- Okay. (laughs)
- Mr. Wellington, we're out of here.
- Blanche.
- Yes sir.
- I think we've hit a foul ball.
- Son of a bitch.
- Watch your language.
- Sorry sir.
(boys yell)
- Get them behind me.
Oh.
This is the worst day of my life.
- Ha, may I have, may I
have everybody's attention.
Blanche, get them quiet for me.
(Blanche whistles)
Works like magic, thank you,
and now, ladies and gentlemen,
something you've all been waiting for,
to find out who has been chosen to be
the company's new vice president.
- Yes, yes, I did it. (sighs)
- And everything he does
is going to be great
for the company and the vice president,
I'm happy to announce is Lloyd Clauswell.
(all clap)
- Lloyd Clauswell.
- Lloyd Clauswell.
- You've got to be kidding.
- Who's joking?
Lloyd Clauswell is the Vipe, Vip.
- But he isn't even here.
- He left.
- He left?
You mean he's not here?
Go get him, pronto.
- Yes sir.
(kids yell and cheer)
- Here they are, Lloyd, we
didn't think you were gonna
make it, yes, congratulations,
let's have a toast.
Let's have a toast right
now for your success
in being the president, here's to you
and all the best that
you'll do for the company.
- Give me that.
(all gasp)
- And you, give me that.
You little leprechaun.
- Wait a minute.
(Blanche gasps)
What happened, what
happened to you, Blanche?
What are you doing?
- See this?
(all gasp)
- What, what?
- There.
- How dare you, you think
you've seen the last of me
and you, brown bird ninny twit.
- Chill out, Boom boom.
(all gasp)
(Patsy screams)
- (laughs) Well, even if you
can, what, what, what sorry?
- Mr. Wellington, I'll
wait for you in the car.
- Hm?
Well, you find gold when
you least expect it.
Excuse me.
- Where is that ninny?
Tell you the truth and
I can't even find him.
(phone rings)
Why is this happening to me?
Why me?
- Uh huh, oh is that right?
All right, very good.
Well Skip, you're going to
have a visit from your fiance.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
- Yes, I knew she'd come through for me.
She's gonna back up my whole story.
Yeah, that's right.
So you thought you had my
number, hey Lieutenant.
Flashy guy, some whiny kids,
a little flimsy evidence.
You got nothing, you didn't
count on my Patsy see.
See, she loves me.
She uh, she's gonna be my
dedicated wife who never leaves
my side and I'm going
to be vice president.
I told you, I was telling the truth.
- She's an interesting girl, Patsy.
- Wanted by the FBI?
Fraud, Def, extortion?
- She was arrested at the airport.
She's not coming by to bail you out.
She was trying to buy a plane ticket
on your expired Express card.
William.
- Conning husbands out of their money?
My wallet.
- Well, girls will be girls.
- It was all her idea.
She said, you know, rob
Wellington, phase one,
put it in Clauswell's house, phase two.
I, I, I didn't do any.
It looks like some, I
guess I'm Patsy's patsy.
I'm, I'm innocent, sir.
- I think Mr. Larue would
like to make a statement.
And the recommend leniency for the court.
It was a crime of passion
and extreme stupidity.
- Thank you.
- Forget about it.
- Beautiful guy, you don't know how much,
how much I went through for
her, look at these pants.
These are $60 pants, can you believe that?
And the shirt.
- Well, boys, as far as I'm concerned,
you're off the hook but I
wonder what your parents
are gonna say when they see
the shape their house is in.
- Oh god.
- Want a ride home?
- [Both] Yes please.
(kids cheer)
- Look, look.
Man, we're in big trouble.
Please call mom and dad.
They'll be home any second.
- Oh my gosh, look at
this house, it's a mess.
- We gotta clean it up, now.
- Right.
(exciting orchestral music begins)
(kids cheer)
- I never got a chance to test the TV.
- Oh gosh, I thought
you could fix anything?
You know, I thought you were a genius.
Isn't that why they call
you Einstein, idiot?
- No, they call me Einstein
because of my hair.
- But you don't have any hair.
- Too late, too late, too
late, there's the car.
(calm orchestral music begins)
- Boys.
- [Both] Oh, hi mom.
- Hi dad.
- Are you all right?
- [Both] Uh yeah, we're fine, why not?
- When the police called us at the party,
we were so worried, we
didn't know what to do.
- They said you captured
that crazy Skip fella
all by yourselves, said you were hero.
- It was nothing really, he
was kind of a goof, huh Robbie?
- Yeah, sure, why not?
- You helped your father and
now he's the vice president.
- [Both] You got it?
- Yo, congratulations Dad.
- My boys, heroes,
except how do you explain
what happened out front?
- What are you talking about, Dad?
- The lawn, you mowed the lawn.
I didn't even have to ask
you, that's great boys.
- Mwah, such good boys.
- It was nothing Dad.
- Yeah, you know those
lawnmowers, once you get going.
- And all this trouble and
you made this house clean.
- We wanted it ship shaped by 2100 hours.
- You can just say 9 o'clock, son.
- Okay Dad.
- Oof.
- All right. (laughs)
- I love you both.
- All right now, half of one want to see
the end of the ballgame?
Where's the cajunga?
(remote clicks)
All right, what happened to the TV, boys?
- I guess we have to tell you.
- Yeah.
- See Dad, we, uh, we just, well, well.
- This is Cameron Murphy reporting outside
the Sheriff's substation
for a remarkable story
involving two young boys,
Matt and Robbie Clauswell has unfolded.
Using only their wits,
these courageous boys battled
a would be burglar keeping
the intruder at bay until the
police were able to arrive.
In a world where many children
are finding themselves
in trouble with the law,
it is comforting climb to
such level headed youngsters.
(boys giggle)
And we can all rest easy tonight
knowing the world of tomorrow
lies in the capable hands
of future leaders, back
to you in the studio.
- [Dad] Yeah, it's been a quite day.
(uplifting orchestral music continues)
♪ But I've been back on being meeha ♪
♪ Letting memories come to mind ♪
♪ And the family that
family that was so close ♪
♪ But patience many times were tried ♪
♪ Mornings filled with much confusion ♪
♪ Trying to get to work and school ♪
♪ You know Dad was
always late as all hell ♪
♪ But mom sometimes would bend the rules ♪
♪ You know boys will be boys ♪
♪ Once past the stage of nursery rhyme ♪
♪ And if he didn't have a chance ♪
♪ They'll find mischief every time ♪
♪ You can turn your head one minute ♪
♪ Who knows what they might destroy ♪
♪ But you can't help but love them ♪
♪ Because you know boys will be boys ♪
♪ It's a fact, there's no doubting ♪
♪ You've heard many people say ♪
♪ You know you can't always be there ♪
♪ And when the cat's
away the mice will play ♪
♪ And boys can't always be angels ♪
♪ That's understood by moms and dads ♪
♪ They both know that
to have the good times ♪
♪ You gotta sometimes
deal with a little bad ♪
♪ They sad boys will be boys ♪
♪ Once past the stage of nursery rhymes ♪
♪ And if given half a chance ♪
♪ They'll find mischief every time ♪
♪ You can't turn your head one minute ♪
♪ Who knows what they might destroy ♪
♪ Still you can't help but love them ♪
♪ You know boys will be boys ♪
(phones ring)
- [Sergeant] Ever seen a crime scene
that disturbing, Lieutenant?
- [Lieutenant] They're
all disturbing, Sergeant.
- [Sergeant] Well here's the evidence
found at the scene, Lieutenant,
one pistol, shoots water.
- [Lieutenant] Uh huh.
- [Sergeant] One ostrich
feather, one radio control unit.
(phone rings)
One bat, plastic, one
cannon, also shoots water.
One claw, plastic, duffel
bag with teeth marks.
- [Lieutenant] A duffel bag.
- [Sergeant] A fake snake,
one high powered rifle,
shoots water and a cassette
recorder, it's real.
Good luck trying to figure
this one out for Lieutenant.
So who do you want to see first?
- [Lieutenant] Oh I want to see the boys.
Bring up the boys, Sergeant.
- [Sergeant] Yes, sir.
- I thought he was
gonna get us, kidnap us.
You know, rob our dad, I mean you saw him.
That guy was like 11
feet tall, he was huge.
What?
- 11 feet tall?
- Well, more like 10 feet,
my brother exaggerates.
- Well, I'll take that into consideration.
William, you can leave, boys have a seat.
Sit down, make yourselves comfortable.
- Could.
- Could what?
- Could we see you badge?
- You want to see my badge?
Sure.
- Yeah.
- Here.
You don't think I'm the genuine article?
Here, take a look.
- Red Palladino?
- That's right.
- It look real.
- Oh, it is real.
Now, I want you to help me out, boys.
- [Both] Yeah.
- Wonderful.
I want you to explain something to me.
I want you to explain why
I got a mug downstairs,
locked up who's clothes
are half torn off him,
I've got a crime scene, which
I believe is your house.
It looks like a Kmart
after a half price sale,
and I got a bag full of money,
with teeth marks all over it.
Boys, I can't figure it out.
- All right, I'll start
from the beginning.
- That's a good idea.
- Today was just like every
day or Saturday morning.
- [Lieutenant] Oh, okay.
- Except for last Saturday
'cause last Saturday, I was sick.
- (laughs) He had squirts.
- Did not.
- That's okay, sometimes
people get the squirts.
(bird chirp)
(gentle orchestral music plays)
- [Matt] Anyway, like I
was saying, it started out
as just a regular Saturday,
no running for the school bus.
No teachers, no homework, just fun stuff.
- [Robbie] School can be fun.
- [Matt] My brother is
obviously from another planet.
He thinks tests, reading
and long division are fun.
- [Robbie] You wouldn't
think school was fun
even if they stick a rollercoaster
in the middle of the classroom.
- [Matt] Can they do that?
- [Lieutenant] Gentlemen,
can we stick to the topic?
I just want to know what
happened and I want to know what
happened right from the minute
the alarm clock went off.
- [Matt] Well, sir, it isn't
exactly what you'd call
a regular alarm clock.
- [Lieutenant] No, now what
would you call it then?
- [Robbie] An inertia
generated, self-motivating.
- [Lieutenant] Inertia generated.
- [Robbie] Slumber interrupting apparatus.
- [Lieutenant] Slumber, apparatus.
Get comfortable, boys.
I get the feeling we're
going to be here for a while.
(alarm rings)
(boy snoring)
(toy rings)
(electricity buzzes)
(wheels squeak)
(playful orchestral music begins)
(bubbles pop)
- Pitch, swing, yes, another
home run for me, yes.
2,000 in a row, yes, yes.
- 2,000 home runs in a row,
boy, you really were dreaming.
- It could happen.
- Yeah, like in a parallel
universe, or through some
distortion in the space time continuum.
- You'll see at today's
game, I'm gonna hit one
right out of the park, maybe
even out of the county.
It's gonna blow Dad's mind.
- Hope he doesn't have to work again.
- He'll come, you'll see, he'll be the one
cheering the loudest.
- Well just in case he
does have to work again,
me and mom will come.
You know, I've never
seen anyone hit the ball
out of the county before.
- Thanks, Brainiac.
- Don't mention it, Jock strap.
(light delicate strings play)
- Okay come on, let's take our vitamins.
Robbie, only take one, okay, let's go.
(cereal rattles)
All right, here give me that.
Here you go, some cereal.
- Matt, don't, don't
pour the whole box, okay?
- Mom, tell the rocket
nerd to get his dirty arm
out of my cereal.
- Honey, get your dirty
arm out of the cereal box.
- Tell the baseball breath
I'm trying to get the free
secret decoder ring inside.
- Honey, he's trying to get
the free secret decoder ring
that's inside, no come on, put
the cereal down, let's eat.
Come on, boys, here we go, come on.
Here we go, let's go.
- [Matt] Secret decoder ring?
- Robbie, pass this to
your brother, here honey.
- Hey stop man, you're eating
too much sugar already.
- Yeah right.
- Oh yeah right, you want
anything, I mean come on, stop.
- [Dad] Boys.
- Here's your coffee.
- I'm going into the office this morning.
- Oh murder.
- Wait a minute, honey,
let me ask you something.
Aren't you going to go
to the company barbecue?
We can't not go.
Mr. Wellington's going to
appoint the vice-president today.
We'll be there promptly at 1500 hours.
- 3 o'clock.
- Emily let's call the
German lady to babysit.
(both groan)
The one I like, the
one with the iron fist.
- No mom, not Helga, not the
Eastern wind shot putter.
- Dad, she made us scrub the
toilets with toothbrushes.
- And what's wrong with it?
- Robbie used your toothbrush. (laughs)
Um, you know Dad, I'm 12 now.
And I think I'm responsible
enough to take care of Robbie.
- I can take care of myself.
- Sorry, but that's out of the question.
- Lloyd, they're wonderful boys.
- They can't even eat a bowl of cereal
without arguing over
the silly prize inside.
- Well, come on, he's in the seventh grade
and the barbecue is only a few miles away.
We'll be home by nine.
- 2100 hours.
- Dad, I'm not a little boy
anymore, give me a chance.
I'm responsible enough to handle this.
Nothing will go wrong, I promise.
- Yeah Dad, nothing will go wrong.
- Come on Dad, all the
other boys on my team
get to stay home by themselves.
- I will return at 1400 hours.
- 2 o'clock.
- Your mother and I will
depart for the barbecue
at 1425 hours.
- 2:25.
- Command of this household
will be transferred to you,
Matt at 1426 hours.
(Matt spits)
- 2:26.
- Thanks Dad.
- Good day, gentlemen.
(light orchestral music begins)
(both cheer)
- So how'd you do at the baseball game?
- Not so good, four strikeouts in a row.
- Oh.
- It was better my dad didn't come.
- Well I don't know about that.
- They were great strikeouts
though, maybe even a record.
- Thanks.
(both scream)
- That's the guy.
- [Matt] That's him.
- That's them.
Arrest them.
- Calm down.
- Calm down, calm down?
You know how dangerous and
lethal those two are, sir?
- This is the guy that's 10 feet tall?
- He looked a lot taller
the first we saw him.
- Yeah.
- Sit down.
You can sit down too, sit down.
(mysterious orchestral music plays)
- Oh. (laughs)
Oh.
- You comfortable.
- Hm.
- Now, Mr. Larue.
- Yes?
- I understand that you're
claiming that you're innocent,
an innocent victim of this drama.
- Yes, sir, I am.
Up until an hour ago, I was
minding my own business.
- What?
- Yes.
- The boys claimed that
you were in their house.
What were you doing in their house?
- I wasn't in their house.
I was, I was, I was attacked.
I was attacked by these two
outside, outside their house.
- You're a liar, you were so in our house.
- You were in our house completely.
- Was not.
- [Both] Was too.
- Was not.
- [Both] Was too.
- It's my word against
yours, nananana, pbth.
(all blow raspberries)
- Quiet.
- You were too.
- Buttface.
- Hey, what is this a kindergarten?
Now Mr Larue, let's start
with you from the beginning.
We have a witness that
saw you parked outside
the Clauswell house early this morning.
What were you doing outside
the Clauswell house?
- You have a witness?
- That's right.
- Oh, well, then let me think.
(sneaky orchestral music begins)
Just, uh, think, think,
witnesses, could have seen this,
some noisy neighbors, hope they didn't see
what we was doing.
Nah, they couldn't have,
it was inconspicuous.
You sure Clauswell isn't
going to see us here, baby?
- It's seven o'clock
on a Saturday morning.
These people don't even begin their boring
suburban lives until at least nine.
- Beauty and brains, oh no, come here.
- Skip, do you want to be vice president
of Wellington Insurance?
The next in line to inherit
a multimillion dollar empire?
Or do you want to just sit
around and make kissy face
with me all day long, hm?
- I got to pick one?
- The man in that house,
is going to steal that promotion
right out from under you
unless you do exactly as I say.
Remember, lover boy,
no promotion, no Patsy.
- Yes, phase one, this morning,
I got the combination
of the corporate safe
from Clauswell's computer and withdrew
50 grand of Wellington's money, bang.
- Phase two, we join the
other drone employees.
- Like Clauswell.
- At that screwball Wellington's estate.
Do you have the tape recorder?
- Right here.
- Now why do I need this?
- To record your voice so that
I can play it at the party
and people will think you never left.
- Ah, but I do leave, phase three.
I drive over here,
break in, hide the dough
and sneak back to the party.
- And I make a call and the police arrest
that sack Clauswell for stealing.
- Bang, I get the promotion.
- And I get one of the most
powerful young executives
in the state.
Makes me quiver just to think about it.
- Quiver?
- Oh Skip.
- Oh Boom boom.
- [Lieutenant] All right, that's
it, wake up, wake up Larue.
- [Skip] Ah.
- Larue, wake up.
(boys laugh)
I asked you what you
were doing park outside
the Clauswell house this morning.
- Oh, I have an answer to that.
- Well good, let's hear it.
- I wasn't there.
I wasn't, never, I'm innocent.
I only drove by that,
nobody could have seen me.
Oh Patsy, she wasn't there either.
She wasn't driving, she wasn't even there.
We weren't there together, Patsy and I.
We were someplace else.
- Well, I guess that rose on my theory
that you're the brains
behind the operation.
- I'd say so.
- So boys, your parents left
you alone for the afternoon,
trusting that you would
be perfect gentlemen.
- Yeah.
- And they weren't worried at all.
- Absolutely not.
- Synchronize your watches, gentlemen.
It is now 1424 hours.
- I left the number for the
police, fire department,
ambulance, poison control.
- The TV goes off at 1900.
- Gas company, electric company.
- Don't play in the garage.
- If you need to call anyone,
just well call your Aunt Bertha.
- Keep away from my tools.
- Call your grandma.
- Don't walk on the new carpet.
- Call cousin Eddie.
- Don't touch the kitchen appliances
and don't play in the closets.
- I wish I had the number for the Lord.
- You fight, yell, break
or damage anything.
- Please be good boys.
- And you'll be pulling KP
for the rest of this year.
- Love you.
- And I will never, ever leave you at home
by yourselves again and
that's a promise, Matt.
- Robbie.
- [Dad] Do you understand?
- Do you?
You're acting just like your father.
- And what's wrong with that?
- (laughs) All right.
- All right, all right,
he's a little strict.
- Yeah.
- But I turned out all right didn't I?
I might be the vice president.
- For an army brat, oh come on.
He ruled with an iron fist, I mean,
times have changed a little bit.
You should lighten up on
the boys a little, you know?
Come on sweetheart, now
what, they're good boys.
Now please, what's the worst
that could possibly happen?
- Yeah.
(car door slam)
(car engine revs)
- Yeah, Mom and Dad are gone.
- [Both] We did it, yeah.
(both clap)
(boys grunt)
- Stop no.
What do you think you're doing?
- Getting some ice cream.
- Ice cream?
- You know, ice cream, a
frozen dairy product available
in a multitude of tasty
flavors sometimes served
with cherries and chocolate syrup?
- I know what it is, put those back.
- Why should I, who
died and left you boss?
- Listen, nerd brain.
We're having frozen
dinners in a little while.
(whipped scream sprays)
- Yeah, so what?
Do I need your permission
to urinate, oh great one?
- All right, have your
ice cream, a small bowl.
Make sure you eat it in here.
- Yeah, whatever.
(playful orchestral music begins)
- What do you think you're doing?
- We already discussed this,
it's called ice cream, stupid.
- You can't eat that in here.
- And you can't pitch decent curve ball.
That makes us even.
- Mom doesn't want you
spilling anything in here.
- Well, mom isn't here now, is she?
- If you don't give me
that ice cream right now,
I'm going to push your nose in so far,
you're going to be able
to smell your brain.
- Make me.
(dramatic orchestral music begins)
- [Both] No come on.
Stop, let go.
(both scream)
We're gonna get it.
(ice cream squishes)
(vacuum blows)
(both clap)
- Hey.
- Don't change the station,
I was watching cartoons.
- Give me the control.
- Doesn't matter.
You left the room, so you forfeit control.
- That's the stupidest thing I ever heard.
So when daddy leaves to go to work
and mom didn't let him
use the toilet anymore?
- I wouldn't expect a neanderthal like you
to understand the concept.
- Get away for the TV.
- Make me bench warmer, bully.
- Wimp.
- Dunce head.
- Water weenie.
(both grunt)
(TV static)
- [Announcer] San Francisco.
(glass shatters)
- Oh no.
(TV clatters)
(both grunt)
- [Both] Look what you did.
Me?
You did.
- I'll get the broom.
- I'll get the broom, stay there.
- That's what I said, you get the broom.
- That's pretty bad behavior
boys, by your own admission
and you still trying to tell me
that you're totally innocent?
- [Both] Yeah.
- I don't buy it.
Something smells wrong here,
what do you think Chief?
- It does sound pretty bad, boys.
What were your parents thinking?
(phone rings)
- They were having their own fun.
- Yeah, I mean, they were on
their way to a great party.
(bird chirping)
- And I know you think
I'm hard on the boys
but it's just so they grow up strong.
I just don't want them to
grow up having to put on
some song and dance for a nutty boss
who's more impressed with a flashy dance
than he is by hard work.
We both know how hard I've
worked for this promotion.
I just hope Mr Wellington knows too.
♪ Blue skies, blue skies ♪
♪ If that empty feeling ♪
- Mr. Wellington?
- Yes.
- Check out this hare raising moment.
(country music continues)
Badaboom, badaba, boom ba.
- What?
(metal clangs)
That's a miracle.
- No, the sun has come out and I just know
you're gonna get the promotion
but all you have to do
is just interact with
some of these people.
- I'm not good at that.
- Why not?
- To start with, I don't know the names
of most of these people.
- Oh, for Pete's sake, you've been working
with them for 20 years. (laughs)
- Too busy selling death and disability
to socialize with these folks.
- Don't forget that smile and you,
hands down by your sides,
can you get any taller?
That's tall enough, now.
Don't look so serious,
this is, this is a party.
That's right, you're happy to be here.
(both scream in a foreign language)
(metal bangs)
- Ah, no hot dog, capiche?
- Take it up with the
League of Nations. (laughs)
(chef speaks a foreign language)
- Ah.
(both scream in a foreign language)
♪ Empty feeling ♪
♪ And the tears will fill your eyes ♪
- [Lieutenant] So you arrived at the party
at the same time as the Clauswells.
Would you say that's
an accurate statement?
- Pretty much.
- [Lieutenant] All right, that's it.
- I'd say so.
- Now, boys, it sounds to
me like you had the makings
of a full scale war on
your hands, commander.
- That's just the beginning.
- It got totally worse.
I'll do it.
- No, I will, stop.
- No.
(TV zaps)
- [Both] You broke Dad's TV.
- You did.
- [Both] You did.
- Me?
You did.
- I was cleaning up, you did, menace.
- Oh man, oh man, you did it.
You screwed up my whole life.
- Me?
It's your fault, you pushed me.
You're always pushing me around.
- Dad will never let me
out of house, never ever,
all because of you.
- What about me?
Won't let me out either.
- What the heck do you care?
You're eight years old, a long trip to you
is from here to the backyard.
- That's it, I've had it.
- That's right, you get out of here.
You're too much of a baby to
be left down here alone anyway
and from now on, the
living room is off limits.
- Off limits, you can't do that,
you don't own the living room.
- Oh yes I do and my
first rule as the owner
of the living room kingdom
is no whiny diaper boys
are allowed in under penalty
and getting their butt beat.
- You're a, a, megalomaniac.
- Well you're a, megolo-weeniac.
- Fine, you get the living room,
then I get our bedroom.
Where do you think you're going?
- In my room.
- What?
Hey, it's my room too, you know?
- [Matt] Not anymore,
you brainless wonder.
- When it comes to brainless,
you have a monopoly.
Let me in.
- No, I'm not going to let.
- Let me in.
(bangs on door)
Uh oh.
- See, I told you they were dangerous.
I was brutally assaulted by these two.
Do I look like the kind of
guy would do this to myself?
(chair bangs)
Ow.
- It's not like we're trying
to totally destroy each other.
(head bangs)
- Point well taken.
- Oh, oh, hurry, ah.
- Ah, tsh, tsh.
- Oh.
(boys laugh)
- Not to digress, but I'm hungry.
- Yeah, can we have a snack or something?
- Yeah, maybe some ice cream?
- All right, now it's your turn.
- Oh, I like, I like a fudge sundae.
No nuts, I don't like nuts.
- I'm not talking about you dessert.
I'm not interested in your dessert.
I'm talking about the party.
I want to know what else
happened at the party.
Am I making myself clear, eh?
- I understand you.
- So what's the next things
that happened at the party?
- Eh, miraculous, well,
Clauswell, glad you showed up.
- My wife, Emily.
- How do you do, Emily, happy you're here.
- Nice to.
- We wouldn't have
missed it for the world.
- Not all the tea in China.
- Well, you're right on the nose, dear.
- (laughs) Forget the tea, what
the what about all the rice?
- Oh what about all the rice?
I guess everybody's excited
because at this barbecue today,
I'm going to announce, I'm
going to announce the promotion
of the man that's going to get
the job in my firm. (laughs)
Right Blanche, Blanche, Blanche, Blanche?
What are you doing?
I'm calling for you, be right on hand
because if I holler,
Blanche, Blanche, Blanche,
they'll think there's something
mentally wrong with me.
Don't look at me that way.
- Now Mr. Wellington, when,
when you make a decision,
I wanted to know how that.
- Top of the day, Mr. Wellington.
- Oh how do you do Skip.
- Ladies, if you weren't
hanging out with such
sharp looking gentlemen, I'd
take you both home with me.
Hear what I'm saying?
- And you're?
- Skip Larue, ma'am, they
call me Skip because I skip
breakfast, skip books over 150 pages.
Skip anything on public
access and skip to my loo
every night, ha, or is that
too much information, bang.
- Sometimes I wish he would skip talking.
- Mr. Wellington, this lovely
lady is my main squeeze, Miss.
- Patsy BB Parker.
- Bang.
- How do, how do.
- How do.
- Something, huh?
It's hard to believe she was ever a baby.
If you know what I mean, bang.
- Silly, it's all in the
eyes of the beholder,
don't you think?
- You mind my asking question?
- Be my guest.
- What does the BB stand for?
- See when my mother was
in labor, there was a.
- 4th of July fireworks, big.
- And bang.
- Right, so she called me, boom, boom.
- That name seems to have stuck with you.
- Just like glue.
- Just like glue. (laughs)
- Well, I know we're all
standing on pins and needles
wondering who is going to
be the next vice president
of the company, n'est ce pas?
- I think you're right, Miss Boom Boom.
- Call me Patsy.
- Yeah, call her Patsy.
- Just don't call it late for dinner.
(Patsy laughs)
- Bang.
- Bang, bang, boom. (laughs)
- Actually Patsy, that was
very perceptive of you.
- What was?
- Well, nevermind.
- Oh, I'm sorry, I remember
now, the promotion.
Well, I know that my Skip
hasn't gotten the promotion
as yet, but let's face it,
it is a young man's world.
This company needs vitality
and new ideas and my man.
- The Skip.
- Skip, has a heck of
an edge on some of these
old dinosaurs, n'est ce pas?
- Excuse me, excuse me.
Excuse me, but my husband's up
for the job as well, Miss Porker.
- Porker?
It's Parker.
Oh, excuse me.
- Darling?
- We'll be back in a bang.
- Excusez moi.
- I thought Lloyd Clauswell was my friend,
but you should've seen the
way their mother attacked
my poor little Patsy.
Just about broke Patsy's heart.
I'll tell you that, seeing
that their mom is so evil,
there's no wonder these
two are so vicious.
- Hey, what you mean by that?
- Yeah, don't call our mom names.
- Take it back.
- Eat your dessert.
- But he called our mom vicious.
- We're not vicious, in fact
we're very peace loving.
- Well, suppose you two peace loving boys
tell me what happened after you,
after you kicked the door in, eh?
- I grabbed my salve and
soap and water cannon
and filled it with a
mixture of stale cheese dip,
vinegar and clam juice.
(machine whirs)
- [Robbie] I took an
expensive stain remover
and used my automatic eight catapult
to cook up some rations for the duration.
- It was time for me to catch territory
and nothing was gonna stand in my way.
Who cut one?
(lamp wobbles)
Mama.
(sneaky orchestral music plays)
Ah, dead meat meaty boy.
- Mm.
- Ah.
Ah.
(water squirts)
- There they go again, Sydney,
oh, those Clauswell boys.
(water squirts)
What are they doing?
- They're just playing games, that's all.
Boys will boys.
- I know they're playing games, Sydney,
but what games?
- Casper the friendly ghost,
or something like that I think.
(Matt grunts)
- When we were young,
we simply played doctor.
(both grunt)
Oh.
- Surprise.
(water splashes)
- [Lieutenant] So peace loving.
- Here you go.
- Now let me get this straight, Mr. Larue.
You say you went to
the party all day long.
Have any witnesses that
can attest that you were
at the party all day long
before you went to the Clauswell house?
Anybody that actually saw you?
- Saw me?
You know, I'm a very hard guy to spot.
I'm my adjunct, not a nut.
I break out.
People don't usually see
me because I'm slick.
You know, I work a party.
- That I'm taking.
- I'm sassy, you know, I move like a cat.
I'll tell you one thing,
if people didn't see me,
they sure heard me, I
can make book on that.
- Oh yeah?
(tape rewinds)
- I'm almost finished,
so sorry about this.
It's those darn cheese balls.
- See with Wellington,
you can't sit in your little
matchbox cubicle all day.
- It's not enough to
come in early, stay late.
- See, at Wellington Insurance,
you spend half your day
telling people how you came
in early and stayed late.
- Dedication is in the
eyes of the beholder.
It's survival of the flashiest.
Just ask Skip Larue.
- So hard work alone won't cut it here.
(all laugh)
- [Man] A bit like this,
remember in kindergarten,
the kid who sang a twinkle
twinkle little star the best
was the most popular?
- Yes I do, that would be me.
- [Second Man] Here, let me tell you what,
let me buy a drink.
I'll explain how to abuse
corporate email system.
- Got it.
- No, not yet dear, it's
hard to see in here.
I don't see them.
Oh boy, wasn't that shrimp good?
Don't worry, I'll find
them or my name isn't Skip.
(country music continues)
- Blanche.
Blanche, Blanche.
Hello, Blanche.
Blanche.
(door slams)
- 50 grand in cash.
I've never seen this much
money in my whole life.
(hand slaps)
- And you never will if you
don't start using your brain.
You want your fingerprints on the money?
Do you want everyone to
know that you stole it
from the company safe?
- No, of course not,
I'm not an idiot okay?
(Skip kisses)
- If you say so.
- I say so.
- Now just remember
speed is of the essence.
Take the money you zip
over to Mr. Smartypants
for Clauswell's house,
plant the money inside.
Would you listen, stop that.
You zip back over here, stop it.
I'll make sure nobody even
knows you left the barbecue.
- Check.
I tell Wellington there
was a break in this morning
and I saw Clauswell running in.
We call the caps, they find a stolen dough
in Clauswell's house.
- He goes to jail for a 100
years and you get the promotion.
- Bang.
- After all the losers I've dated,
finally, I'm going to have a man who
is a corporate vice president,
with a big car and a
big stinging paycheck.
(Skip spits)
I'm so proud of you Tim.
- Skip, are you sure I'm
not going to get caught?
- Where's the tape machine.
- Right here.
- Did you put everything on
this tape that I told you to?
- Yes, it's nice and clear
but I'm not sure that.
- I thought you said you loved me.
You said I was the most
beautiful woman you'd ever had.
Were you lying?
- No, of course not, Boom
boom, I'd anything for you.
- For us.
- To us, goodbye, my darling.
- Goodbye my sweet, sweet.
- My princess.
- My prince.
(both kiss)
- Tallyho.
Oh, ow, I'm all right.
Ow, I'm all right.
- My meal ticket, bozo.
- [Matt] Man, I can't believe how strong
that sopping soap and water cannon is.
- [Robbie] You could blast
it, went across the sea.
- [Matt] Across the country.
- [Robbie] Across the
Milky Way galaxy. (laughs)
(sneaky strings play)
I can't believe it stinks that much.
- [Matt] That's because
I poured extra clam juice
in my water cannon, just
for that smelly diaper.
- [Robbie] Mom's gonna
get mad when she finds out
you ruined my best shirt.
- [Matt] I ruined nothing, it's fine.
- [Robbie] It smells like fish sticks.
- [Matt] What's wrong with that?
Fish smell like fish sticks
but you don't see them
whining about it.
- [Sergeant] Pee-yoo.
(fans whir)
(door opens)
- Insurance bowling league,
worst score, Lloyd Clauswell.
What a loser.
- [Robbie] I'm going upstairs.
- [Matt] What for?
- [Robbie] What do you care?
- [Matt] My room is still off
limits to whiny baby brothers
so you better keep out.
(door opens)
- Like candy from a baby.
(rustling bags)
Vice president Skip Larue.
- Hey.
- Now, can anybody tell me what this is?
Don't tell me it's a duffel bag,
I want to know what's inside and why.
- I know what's inside.
It's my collection of
Captain Science comic books.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Don't touch the evidence.
Can anybody tell me about this?
- Well, I wanted to get
Robbie back for squirting me.
- Oh.
- And I knew where his
secret hiding spot was,
in the closet, so I, so I took it
and threw it out the window.
- You threw like priceless
bag of comics out the window?
- It was war, I mean, people
do stupid things in war.
Heck, in real war, they
throw, instead of duffel bags,
throw duffel bombs, gosh.
- That's true enough.
Do you have anything to
say about this, Mr. Larue?
- Not at this time, no.
- All right, this is exhibit one.
- [Matt] Since you won't
come out of my room, Robbie,
I'm throwing your bag of
Captain Science comics
I found in the closet out the window.
(bag rustles)
(sneaky orchestral music continues)
- Oh.
(truck rumbles)
Oh gees, oh gees.
(Skip screams)
(machine whirs loudly)
- With neighbors like
these, who needs cable.
(Skip sniffs)
- Hm, hm.
- The bag, Skip.
- Huh?
- The bag with the
comics in it, exhibit one
was found where it
belonged, in the closet.
Would it interest you
to know that this bag,
the one with the dog tooth marks in it,
was also, was also found at the scene.
- So that's what he was trying to hide.
- Yeah, the one with a
million dollars in it.
- Was not, I never even
seen that duffel bag
before in my life.
- Oh really?
You never even touched this duffel bag?
- I can't even spell duffel bag.
- That I believe.
What I don't believe is your story.
Would it be interesting for you to know
that the dog tooth marks found on this bag
exactly marks on your.
- Butt.
- Exactly.
- Oh.
- Excuse me, it seems to me, that were bit
while holding a bag with 20 grand in it?
- 20 grand, what happened to the other 30?
- Oh, was there $50,000 in the bag.
How interesting.
Now would you tell us
what was really happening
at this party that you were at all day?
- Like I said, people must have heard me.
Those two chefs went nuts, you know.
They made some bad cheese balls.
Kept me in the John for hours, got me.
- Is that the truth?
- Absolutely the truth, nothing but truth.
Indivisible and justice for all.
- Well if it's not the
truth, it's your butt.
- Amen.
(both scream in a foreign language)
- Blanche, Blanche.
Have you seen Blanche,
have you seen Blanche?
- Uh huh, no I haven't.
- He'll be just another minute.
My Skip is a little irregular.
I think it was those cheese balls.
Stay away from those cheese balls.
Are you all right, dear?
(remote clicks)
- I'm almost finished, sorry hun,
it's those darn cheese balls.
- Where you looking for Skip?
'Cause he's right in here.
- I'm almost finished,
so sorry about this.
It's those darn cheese balls.
- Those cheese balls.
- We heard.
- Okay Eddie, you gotta
get over here, man.
I got the whole house to myself.
No, no, no, no, the dweeb
dwarf has been outside.
- This is war.
- Just get over here, okay?
Okay bye.
- Buggsy, war alert, I repeat, war alert.
Get Einstein, meet me at the clubhouse.
- Hey, maybe ants can fly.
(shuffling sand)
- Huh?
Mm, hm mm.
(playful orchestral music continues)
Oo, ah.
Oo wow, wow, wow wow, oo,
eh, oo, wow, wow, wow wow.
Oo oo.
- Look at that Sydney, he's crazier
than all of them put together.
- No, goodness gracious,
have a look at what time,
he's partying.
- Sydney, that's that
new macaroni craze dance
that everybody's doing.
- Waka waka waka.
- I put where you get that,
it's not the macaroni dance
that everybody's doing,
that's the mackerel dance,
like the fish.
- Oh that's.
- I saw it on Rosie O'Donnell.
- Oh.
- This and then you cross these
and then you go right back
and then you turn around.
- Turn around. (laughs)
- Is that something?
- (laughs) Let's do it again.
We'll surprise Mabel and Harry.
- Oh, they'll call crazy now.
- I know.
- One, two.
(Skip grunts)
- Ow.
- Man, look at this guy,
have you ever seen anyone
so ugly in your life?
- That's no guy, that's Hilda,
the East German shot putter,
our babysitter.
- That's our babysitter.
- You Matt,
you found the duffel bag
in the closet thinking
it was Robbie's and you
threw it over the fence,
isn't that right?
- Yeah.
- You Robbie, in order
to get back at Matt,
you gathered some of your
friends and attempted
to destroy something of
Matt's, is that right?
- Yeah.
- In order to accomplish this,
you used this remote control for what?
- It's for the the lawnmower.
Your code name is Einstein.
- But you always call me Einstein.
- That's your nickname but
now it's your codename.
- Buggsy, your codename is, is Buggsy.
- Gee, I hope I can remember that.
The way I see it, is we've got the brains,
but the enemy's got the muscle.
So since we're too small to
move Matt out of the house,
we've got to find a way
to make him want to leave.
- I got it, like a juicy fart.
- Too dangerous.
- For all of us, you idiot.
- If there was only
something of his so important
we could hold hostage,
so important that he'd rush
out of the house to save it.
- And pound our heads in the process?
No, thanks.
- We'd have to do it by remote control,
but I don't think there's anything else
of his out here in the clubhouse to.
(tense orchestra music begins)
(all laugh)
- [All] Yeah, yay.
- [Robbie] Oh Matt.
- What's going on?
My uniform.
Now, now flip.
(dramatic orchestra music continues)
All right, all right, this
way, this way, this way.
Hey, someone stop this thing.
(boys laugh)
(Matt screams)
- I can't stop the mower.
- What are we gonna do?
- Back to the drawing board, let's go.
- Help.
- You chased your
brother with a lawnmower?
- Things got out of hand, I guess.
- Can I ask you question,
how did you get away?
- It ran out of gas.
- Ah ha, it ran out of gas.
Lucky for you, and you,
Larue, you still maintain
you were never at the
Clauswell house, is that right?
- Yes, no, no way, I was at the party.
- And you will never attack
by the thousands of fire ants
and you will never
chased bitten on the butt
by a very angry dog?
- No, no, uh huh, I love
dogs, and they love me.
(Matt barks)
(dog barks)
(Skip screams)
- Good boy.
Ah.
Like I said, these wounds on my buttocks
were from splinters or something.
People heard me at the party, ask anyone.
- Did you find them yet, dear?
- No, not yet, but I see them.
- He's so sweet, I lost
my glasses, didn't I dear?
- I don't see them.
I'll find them or my name
isn't Skip, patience dear.
- Skip I have all the
patience in the world.
Do I look like I'm in a hurry?
(sneak orchestral music begins)
- Oh, oh I'm so sorry Boo, I'm sorry Boo.
(water splashes)
- Patsy, it's me, I'm in
trouble, I haven't planted
the money yet.
- Listen to me, you
incompetent nincompoop.
If you screw this up,
not only will I never talk to you again,
but I will have you
arrested for impersonating
a person with a brain.
- Lost the wife, huh Lloyd?
- Oh, she's around here somewhere.
- Oh she's probably be
stuck in that long line
for the bathroom, come on, join us.
- You got kids, Clauswell?
- Yeah, two boys.
- Really, you have any pictures?
- Gonna need pictures to remember
what those kids look like
if you get that VP promotion.
- All those long hours can
really take their toll.
- Oh, you're telling me, ugh.
Have you heard about what
happened to Wellington's kids?
- Yeah, last I heard two
of them were in prison.
One joined the Hare Krishnas
and one spent so much time
at the Betty Ford Center
they built a house
on the grounds for him.
- I'm sure that won't happen to your kids.
- No, they're good boys.
- (laughs) You know, that's funny.
Wellington said the same
thing about his kids.
- You know, I think I
see Emily over there.
- Lloyd, what I say?
- I'm innocent.
- I'm gonna figure this out,
I'm gonna figure it out.
- You boys are gonna stay here with me.
Who?
All right, come with me.
William, you know what to do.
(phones ring)
- They on their way their way to juvie?
- They went to the bathroom.
- Oh.
- It's just the guys now, just you and me.
- Just us guys.
- So why don't you tell me
about that fragile flower?
What kind of girl is Patsy?
- Patsy?
Well, you know, you know how,
how someone famous said behind every,
every a really cool guy,
there's a great chick?
- I heard that.
- That's her, she's dedicated to me.
Beautiful, sensitive, dedicated, me.
- I'm happy for ya.
- Me too.
- Now finish the job or else.
Okay hun, bye.
- Hong Kong, Berlin and Cleveland.
Excuse me.
Yes, to the left and a
little faster, oh gosh.
(Mr. Wellington grunts)
What's this?
Oh.
- Am I at the wrong party?
- No dear, you're at the right party.
You're just 40 years too late.
(both laugh)
- [Lieutenant] Is this about the time
reinforcements arrived?
- Um, yeah, Eddie's one guy that knows
how to make an entrance.
(both laugh)
- It cost a nickel when I was a kid.
- Ah, things change boo.
- I know, it's funny.
It's terrible.
- I'll say one thing though,
it's better than yours.
(Sydney grunts)
Talk about sour, boo, babe.
- Oh no, it's Eddie, ow.
Lemonade mister?
That's be 25 cents.
(coins rattle)
Hey, just because I'm a little girl,
doesn't mean I'm not tough.
Ah, my nose.
- Get out of here.
(kids scream)
- So you think the big
promotion will go to Skip?
He has all those corporate qualities
you've been talking so much about.
- He's an absolute company
go getter all right,
but unfortunately he's
also an absolute moron.
- My vote stays with Clauswell.
I mean, he may not be a people person,
but he's got that determination
to become the next Wellington.
- (laughs) You're right, he's perfect.
For weekends, evenings, he'll
never see those two boys
again, unless he hires them
to sweep up his office.
(all laugh)
(moving orchestral music begins)
- Open up, let me in, hey you.
If I get hand of you, I'll
hit you so hard, you'll,
you'll destroy an itch, I
mean it, let me in, come on.
- Sh.
- Listen to me, I have never
seen such ill mannered,
uncivil, shameful behavior in my life.
- Right Boo.
- Wait Sydney, I wasn't
sick of this stuff.
- Open up, you piece of.
(loud banging)
- [Eddie] Matt.
- Oh, hi Eddie.
- What's up man?
- Nothing much, um,
everything's under control.
The kids were ticking me off
so I locked them inside the house.
- So you locked your brother in the house?
- Yeah, dude, pretty cool, huh?
Ow, what was that for?
- To try to slap some brains into you.
That's not the Matt I know.
- Well, things got a little out of hand.
I mean, what do you expect me to do?
- Act like a man, a big brother.
- Okay, so what does
a real big brother do?
He uses his size advantage to beat the tar
out of his little brother.
That's the code of the big brother.
- Hey my man, let's kick
some little brother butt.
(mischievous orchestral music plays)
- Cheers. (laughs)
(glasses clink)
I haven't heard you laughs like
this for like weeks, months.
- Yeah, I think you're right.
I'm always worried
about the boys, I guess.
- Oh, the boys.
- But then there's work.
- And your promotion, I know, I know.
I mean, you can't raise the boys
like during military
school, they're good boys.
- Oh, Lloyd, dear, I, I heard
what you're talking about
the boys, I raised four boys, myself.
All their life, they were
fighting about who was going
to wear who's clothes.
Well, the next thing you know,
they wanted to learn to cook.
I thought that was fine, well
I told them to cook spaghetti.
They said how?
I said, well, you start the water boiling.
So I got the water and
bur bur bur bur bur.
I said, now you put it in later on.
You know, when it gets really hot
and I left the house and
first thing you know,
bur bur bur bur bur boom and
it blew the house up sky high.
- Oh my.
- Blew it sky high.
- That's right, blew it sky high.
- Here that Emily, blew it sky high.
Call the boys, they might be cooking.
- It just proves my theory, big brains
beat thick skulls.
- [Robbie] Every time.
- All for one, and one for all.
(hammer knocks)
(rock music continues)
Yeah.
(phone rings)
- Robbie headquarters.
- Honey, hello, honey, hm, hello?
- Hi.
- Robbie?
- Oh mom.
- Robbie honey, what's that loud music?
- Oh yeah, that was the car radio.
Yeah, loud huh?
- Yes, yeah, uh sweetie,
is everything okay?
Is everything under control?
- Well, yeah, you could say
I'm in complete control.
- Well, honey, I'm glad to hear that,
now can I talk to Matt?
- Matt?
Okay, hold on, she wants to talk to Matt.
- What?
No no, show, showering.
- Um, he's washing.
- Shower, shower.
- The dishes.
His face, no his body, and a shower,
yeah, Matt can't shower.
- Wait a minute, the fact that
that Matt's taking a shower
without being forced to what
I find really surprising
and I find it wildly surprising
that you're excited by this.
- Well who wouldn't, I mean, yeah,
think I'll take a bath too, all right?
Okay, yeah, uh, bye, bye.
- Uh.
- Hello?
Hello?
(birds chirp)
- They're good boys, they're
really, really good boys.
But they're not that good.
- Shower Einstein?
The only time Matt ever takes the showers
is when he has plants
growing all over him.
- How am I supposed to know?
It beats you stammering. (laughs)
- Sorry.
(sneaky plucked string music begins)
(Matt groans)
- Oh.
- Matt's outside, Matt's
outside, nanananana.
(boys laugh)
(boys grunt)
- Let me go, wait, you're hurting me.
- Shut up and open the door.
- Yo boy, grab yourself
a dweeb and join me.
- I'm telling mom.
- Hard to do without your teeth.
(boys grunt)
- You shrimps are under
arrest for stealing a house.
- I won the battle for the
kitchen fair and square.
- Shut up.
- Yeah, shut up.
- The verdict.
- Guilty.
- [Eddie] The punishment?
- Annihilation and getting
their face pounded in.
- You first Einslime.
- It's Einstein to you, I'm gonna die,
you wouldn't understand.
- Come on, Matt, make him put him down.
Einstein didn't do anything to him.
- Okay Eddie, he's had enough.
- We're just getting started.
- Forget it, Eddie, its Robbie I want,
not his wienie friends, cut him loose.
- What about Robbie,
can't he come with us?
- I'm not afraid, go ahead.
- Get lost.
So I'm stupid, am I?
- Are you asking me or telling me?
- Let me handle this, Eddie.
- Get in line.
- Come on Eddie, let go of him.
(dramatic orchestral music continues)
- Go on, take a swig.
- Put me down, you cromagnum.
- Water weenie.
- Ditto.
(Robbie grunts)
Help Matt, I'm scared.
- Eddie, let him go.
- He ain't even water logged yet.
- I said, let go of my brother right now.
(water splashes)
- Fine, chill out, I'm
just playing a joke.
- [Matt] You know, just get out of here.
- I'd be happy to.
Wouldn't want to catch
your wuss fever anyway.
- [Matt] Fine.
- [Eddie] Fine.
- [Matt] Fine.
Fine.
- Fine.
Fine.
- Fine.
- You know, just get out of here.
- Fine.
- You all right?
- I'm fine.
- Just remember, I didn't
start your little war.
You losers were on your
knees before I got here.
(door slam)
- I'd say thanks but you're the one
that let your psycho friend
in here in the first place.
- My psycho friend?
Wasn't it your psycho friend
who turned the lawnmower
into the Terminator?
(kids scream)
- [Eddie] I'm gonna catch you two.
- [Lieutenant] So your brother saved you
from this Eddie character, huh?
- I knew my brother would
come through for me.
- Of course I would, you're my brother,
and brothers should take
care of one another.
- Yep.
- All right brainiac.
- All right Jockstrap.
- Very touching, but I
still got a case to solve.
So what happened?
- [Both] He broke into our house.
- Did not.
- [Both] Did too.
- Did not a million times.
- [Both] Well did not a billion times.
- I would never break
into somebody's house.
- [Both] Did too.
(chimes rings)
- Oh, oh oh oh.
(mysterious string music begins)
- Sh, someone's in the house.
Don't do that.
It's probably one of your
psycho maniac friends, come on.
- Matt, I don't like this.
- I suppose you think
I'm having a good time.
(door squeaks)
- What happened next?
- Let's start from the
beginning, it was, it was scary.
- I know, it was scary.
- So scary.
- This big, hairy guy.
- [Both] Torn up by the
dog, we just got it.
- I mean we knew he was gonna rob us.
- He was gonna rob our
Dad and we were like.
- What should we do Matt?
- Do exactly as I say.
We might be enemies but
we're still brothers.
We have to arm ourselves just in case.
- You want me to go in there?
- Why not, it's your room too.
- All right.
(door opens)
- He's robbing Dad.
- Yeah, did you see all that money?
That must be a secret.
- I know, not even I've
seen that much money
in my whole life.
(door closes)
- Well, well, well, if it
isn't the Destructo brothers.
- Look, steal what you want and leave.
We don't want to cause any trouble.
- Trouble?
You don't want to cause any trouble.
You don't want to cause any trouble?
Because you too, I have been
ripped, beaten, battered,
dirty, look at these $60 pants.
I was thrown in the garbage
and I had to deal with Kujo
because you threw the bag of the fence.
Well, I don't forgive you.
I do think it's trouble.
You guys are giving me more
nightmares than Freddy Kruger
and Tyrannosaurus Rex combined.
- Sorry, I guess.
- Sorry?
You can't use me like a
human pinata and say, sorry.
You got to have something else to say
because I don't forgive you.
I do not forgive you, this is unfair.
I don't forgive you and
I don't forgive you.
- What you do?
- Man, he just outsmarted us.
(gorilla growls loudly)
(Robbie growls)
(liquid sprays)
(Robbie grunts)
- Let me out, let me out.
Oo, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
You're gonna get it.
- Fire.
- Right in the forehead, just like.
- All over his face.
- [Matt] Oh it was all sticky.
(boys laugh)
- [Both] Ninja road trip.
- Yeah, I threw the rope.
- Threw the rope.
(boys yell)
- Oh, ow, ow.
Uh.
- Bam, right in the face,
he got a big old bump.
- He tried to get us again though.
- [Matt] But we kept tickling him.
- Oh.
Ah, ah.
- A guy with a wooden snake,
this guy was just like.
Oh gosh.
- You were scared by a toy
snake and a pair of maracas?
- I had fly gunk in, fly
paper gunk in my eyes.
Couldn't see if they
was real snakes or not.
- Oh, that explains it I guess.
- What I'd give if you are, ah.
- [Robbie] You remember this Skippy?
- Ah, you remember that Skippy?
Not as ticklish as we are.
(boys laugh)
- All right, what were
you doing in our house?
- Yeah, what were you doing in our house?
- I'll never tell.
Ah, ah.
(alarm rings)
(Skip laughs)
(playful orchestral music continues)
- Ow, ow, ow, ow.
I'll talk, I'll confess,
I'll tell you everything.
- What were doing in our house?
- I won't tell you nothing.
(boys yell)
- [Both] But then he escaped.
- So it looks like he had you pretty good.
What did you do?
- My egg catapult.
- Yeah.
- You stopped a grown
man with an egg catapult?
- Well actually it was the
kitchen door I covered in glue.
- [Both] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- That big.
- It was super glue, it was, it was.
(all yell)
(head bangs)
- Oh.
- Oh, what going on here?
Who is this guy?
- He's psycho.
- He's a thief.
(all kids yell)
- You talked to the boys again?
- Since the last strange
call, the phone's been busy.
- Maybe Matt's calling his friends.
- You know, I really
think we should go home.
- Go home, so soon?
- We need to go check on her boys.
- Big trouble at home?
- No, no, we don't think so.
Like Emily says, they're good boys.
- Mm hm.
- Hm, what does hm mean, why hm?
- Mr. Clauswell, I want to
talk to you for a moment
if I may, I find it strange,
you wanting to go home
in the middle of the big barbecue party
before I announced the
appointment of a man
who was going to have the promotion.
- I need to talk to you about that.
- I want to talk to you, Mr. Clauswell.
Do you think that it's more
important to play catch
or watch a little league game
than to work in my office?
- You know, if you had asked
me that two months ago,
or maybe even yesterday, you
probably would have received
a different answer.
- I'll tell you the
answer I'm looking for.
I'm looking for loyalty, integrity.
- Mr. Wellington, I do good work here.
Heck, I know I do good work.
- I know you do good work,
but I want to tell you about work.
I started from the bottom
and I got to the top.
- Let me tell you something.
I'll continue to do good work here
'cause I love my job and I love my boys.
But this morning I missed
my oldest son's ball game
just so I could come to your office.
(moving orchestral music begins)
- My father has always told me
that the office is the place.
- With all due respect,
I'm not going to let
that happen again.
- You're not gonna let it happen again?
- That's right.
- That's your answer?
- That's my answer.
What was that for?
- I'm so proud of you.
- Feelings mutual.
Should we go home?
- Okay. (laughs)
- Mr. Wellington, we're out of here.
- Blanche.
- Yes sir.
- I think we've hit a foul ball.
- Son of a bitch.
- Watch your language.
- Sorry sir.
(boys yell)
- Get them behind me.
Oh.
This is the worst day of my life.
- Ha, may I have, may I
have everybody's attention.
Blanche, get them quiet for me.
(Blanche whistles)
Works like magic, thank you,
and now, ladies and gentlemen,
something you've all been waiting for,
to find out who has been chosen to be
the company's new vice president.
- Yes, yes, I did it. (sighs)
- And everything he does
is going to be great
for the company and the vice president,
I'm happy to announce is Lloyd Clauswell.
(all clap)
- Lloyd Clauswell.
- Lloyd Clauswell.
- You've got to be kidding.
- Who's joking?
Lloyd Clauswell is the Vipe, Vip.
- But he isn't even here.
- He left.
- He left?
You mean he's not here?
Go get him, pronto.
- Yes sir.
(kids yell and cheer)
- Here they are, Lloyd, we
didn't think you were gonna
make it, yes, congratulations,
let's have a toast.
Let's have a toast right
now for your success
in being the president, here's to you
and all the best that
you'll do for the company.
- Give me that.
(all gasp)
- And you, give me that.
You little leprechaun.
- Wait a minute.
(Blanche gasps)
What happened, what
happened to you, Blanche?
What are you doing?
- See this?
(all gasp)
- What, what?
- There.
- How dare you, you think
you've seen the last of me
and you, brown bird ninny twit.
- Chill out, Boom boom.
(all gasp)
(Patsy screams)
- (laughs) Well, even if you
can, what, what, what sorry?
- Mr. Wellington, I'll
wait for you in the car.
- Hm?
Well, you find gold when
you least expect it.
Excuse me.
- Where is that ninny?
Tell you the truth and
I can't even find him.
(phone rings)
Why is this happening to me?
Why me?
- Uh huh, oh is that right?
All right, very good.
Well Skip, you're going to
have a visit from your fiance.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
- Yes, I knew she'd come through for me.
She's gonna back up my whole story.
Yeah, that's right.
So you thought you had my
number, hey Lieutenant.
Flashy guy, some whiny kids,
a little flimsy evidence.
You got nothing, you didn't
count on my Patsy see.
See, she loves me.
She uh, she's gonna be my
dedicated wife who never leaves
my side and I'm going
to be vice president.
I told you, I was telling the truth.
- She's an interesting girl, Patsy.
- Wanted by the FBI?
Fraud, Def, extortion?
- She was arrested at the airport.
She's not coming by to bail you out.
She was trying to buy a plane ticket
on your expired Express card.
William.
- Conning husbands out of their money?
My wallet.
- Well, girls will be girls.
- It was all her idea.
She said, you know, rob
Wellington, phase one,
put it in Clauswell's house, phase two.
I, I, I didn't do any.
It looks like some, I
guess I'm Patsy's patsy.
I'm, I'm innocent, sir.
- I think Mr. Larue would
like to make a statement.
And the recommend leniency for the court.
It was a crime of passion
and extreme stupidity.
- Thank you.
- Forget about it.
- Beautiful guy, you don't know how much,
how much I went through for
her, look at these pants.
These are $60 pants, can you believe that?
And the shirt.
- Well, boys, as far as I'm concerned,
you're off the hook but I
wonder what your parents
are gonna say when they see
the shape their house is in.
- Oh god.
- Want a ride home?
- [Both] Yes please.
(kids cheer)
- Look, look.
Man, we're in big trouble.
Please call mom and dad.
They'll be home any second.
- Oh my gosh, look at
this house, it's a mess.
- We gotta clean it up, now.
- Right.
(exciting orchestral music begins)
(kids cheer)
- I never got a chance to test the TV.
- Oh gosh, I thought
you could fix anything?
You know, I thought you were a genius.
Isn't that why they call
you Einstein, idiot?
- No, they call me Einstein
because of my hair.
- But you don't have any hair.
- Too late, too late, too
late, there's the car.
(calm orchestral music begins)
- Boys.
- [Both] Oh, hi mom.
- Hi dad.
- Are you all right?
- [Both] Uh yeah, we're fine, why not?
- When the police called us at the party,
we were so worried, we
didn't know what to do.
- They said you captured
that crazy Skip fella
all by yourselves, said you were hero.
- It was nothing really, he
was kind of a goof, huh Robbie?
- Yeah, sure, why not?
- You helped your father and
now he's the vice president.
- [Both] You got it?
- Yo, congratulations Dad.
- My boys, heroes,
except how do you explain
what happened out front?
- What are you talking about, Dad?
- The lawn, you mowed the lawn.
I didn't even have to ask
you, that's great boys.
- Mwah, such good boys.
- It was nothing Dad.
- Yeah, you know those
lawnmowers, once you get going.
- And all this trouble and
you made this house clean.
- We wanted it ship shaped by 2100 hours.
- You can just say 9 o'clock, son.
- Okay Dad.
- Oof.
- All right. (laughs)
- I love you both.
- All right now, half of one want to see
the end of the ballgame?
Where's the cajunga?
(remote clicks)
All right, what happened to the TV, boys?
- I guess we have to tell you.
- Yeah.
- See Dad, we, uh, we just, well, well.
- This is Cameron Murphy reporting outside
the Sheriff's substation
for a remarkable story
involving two young boys,
Matt and Robbie Clauswell has unfolded.
Using only their wits,
these courageous boys battled
a would be burglar keeping
the intruder at bay until the
police were able to arrive.
In a world where many children
are finding themselves
in trouble with the law,
it is comforting climb to
such level headed youngsters.
(boys giggle)
And we can all rest easy tonight
knowing the world of tomorrow
lies in the capable hands
of future leaders, back
to you in the studio.
- [Dad] Yeah, it's been a quite day.
(uplifting orchestral music continues)
♪ But I've been back on being meeha ♪
♪ Letting memories come to mind ♪
♪ And the family that
family that was so close ♪
♪ But patience many times were tried ♪
♪ Mornings filled with much confusion ♪
♪ Trying to get to work and school ♪
♪ You know Dad was
always late as all hell ♪
♪ But mom sometimes would bend the rules ♪
♪ You know boys will be boys ♪
♪ Once past the stage of nursery rhyme ♪
♪ And if he didn't have a chance ♪
♪ They'll find mischief every time ♪
♪ You can turn your head one minute ♪
♪ Who knows what they might destroy ♪
♪ But you can't help but love them ♪
♪ Because you know boys will be boys ♪
♪ It's a fact, there's no doubting ♪
♪ You've heard many people say ♪
♪ You know you can't always be there ♪
♪ And when the cat's
away the mice will play ♪
♪ And boys can't always be angels ♪
♪ That's understood by moms and dads ♪
♪ They both know that
to have the good times ♪
♪ You gotta sometimes
deal with a little bad ♪
♪ They sad boys will be boys ♪
♪ Once past the stage of nursery rhymes ♪
♪ And if given half a chance ♪
♪ They'll find mischief every time ♪
♪ You can't turn your head one minute ♪
♪ Who knows what they might destroy ♪
♪ Still you can't help but love them ♪
♪ You know boys will be boys ♪