Boys' Night Out (1962) - full transcript

Fred, George, Doug and Howie are quickly reaching middle-age. Three of them are married, only Fred is still a bachelor. They want something different than their ordinary marriages, children and TV-dinners. In secret, they get themselves an apartment with a beautiful young woman, Kathy, for romantic rendezvous. But Kathy does not tell them that she is a sociology student researching the sexual life of the white middle-class male.

Time for another round

before the train?

Mm. Just about, but personally

I wouldn't know where to put it.

To tell you the truth,

neither would I.

Hey, Mr. Slattery.

The tab please.

Well, there goes another

Thursday night down the drain,

thanks to you hotshots.

We should have gone

bowling.

I said that

three hours ago.

Bowling. Bowling's the drag

of all time.

Why? It's a good, clean,

wholesome hobby.

That's what I mean.

I keeping tell you guys, we have

got to plan ahead

for these nights in town.

Or we'll always wind up

like this.

Well, what's to plan

we haven't had

up to here

six Thursdays ago?

Personally, I'm embarrassed

to tell Joanne

how nowhere these

nights out are.

Well, at least

it gets you jokers

out of the compound

one night a week.

That's the main object,

isn't it?

Mr. Slattery.. .

How come you don't

provide your steady customers

with more

glamorous dissipation?

If you're not satisfied beer,

buster, order champagne,

brandy,

cremme de menthe.

You name it, I got it.

Here's the rocker: 14.85,

including tax.

Start fumbling.

''Glamorous.''

Maybe we should have taken

the 9:15 home.

We could have saved ourselves

a couple of bucks.

Uh-uh. Fuzzy thinking, pal. Once

we take the early train,

they'll expect us home early

every Thursday.

And you guys couldn't afford

to set a dangerous precedent

like that...

Keep talking.

What's with you?

Keep talking, man.

Keep talking.

Hello, darling.

Hi, sweetie.

You look beautiful.

Have you been

waiting long?

No. You look

gorgeous.

Do we owe any money

at the bar?

You've been a good girl.

Alright, Freddie,

you can come out now.

He didn't see me, did he?

No, I'd say he had

other things on his mind.

Yeah, and I can tell you

what they are,

in, uh,

alphabetical order.

Who is that guy

anyway?

That was my boss.

So what? You weren't doing

anything wrong.

No, but he is.

Look, he's got himself this pad

over on the East Side now.

A home away from home.

Oh. How does he get away

with it?

Well, he set it up with

his wife out in Stamford

that there's a staff

meeting every Thursday night

that goes on to the wee,

small hours.

Since he has to be back

at his desk

bright-eyed and bushy-tailed

Friday morning. ..

You see, Fred: brains.

That's what makes

a successful executive:

brains and a good

night's sleep every Thursday.

That's why

you're working for him.

Now, that's what I call

a worthwhile hobby.

Beats running

to make the 11:35.

Beats walking

to make the 11:35.

It beats the 11:35.

Alright, men,

on your feet.

Unless you want to hitchhike

home to Connecticut.

Let's see who owes

what here.

George, how many beers

did you have?

No time for bookkeeping now,

Howie. You pick up the tab,

and we'll split it

four ways.

Oh, sure.

So the old rascal's got himself

a pad in town, eh?

With peach fuzz upholstery

and built-in moonlight.

A regular Shangri-la.

But with plumbing.

Accounting-wise, uh,

what do you think

the tab would come to

on a setup like that,

Howie?

The main trouble

is you can't put her

on any legitimate

deductible basis.

Food and drink, you could always

put on the swindle sheet.

And the rest you take out

of petty cash.

Well, let's see, huh?

Rent, on a halfway decent pad

stands you four fifty,

utilities, phone,

maid, part-time probably,

cleaning and laundry,

Social Security...

No, wait a minute.

No Social Security.

No withholding,

either.

Tips, incidentals, uh,

contingencies, depreciation...

Hm, roughly, 900

to 950 per month.

Tilt.

It can't be that much.

It breaks down to about

225 dollars per Thursday.

Any other questions?

Do you think

she was a natural redhead,

or was that a dye job?

It's hard to say.

Of course, I can always

ask the boss.

Ah, she probably

wasn't.

Wrong, uh,

skin texture.

No. You can't always

go by that.

There was this

fabulous redhead

I met on a boat

to New Orleans one time.

The first night out

there came this...

And we never did find

that other shoe.

Greenwich is the next stop.

The next station stop

is Greenwich.

Even cutting corners,

the smallest monthly overhead

you could get away with,

according to my figures,

is, uh, 610 dollars

and 48 cents.

That's a great deal

more like it.

Well, what's the,

uh, 48 cents for?

For the girl,

what else?

Boy, it looks

like the Indians were here.

Yeah, anybody got a car?

It was supposed

to be your turn.

I know, but Toni had

to take the kids. ..

Why didn't you say

something earlier?

We could have made

other arrangements.

Don't make a federal case

out of it.

We'll grab a cab a split

it four ways. Sure.

''Four ways.''

''Four ways.''

You know

something?

- I was just wondering...

- Yeah, I was too.

Howie, how would it come

to splitting it four ways.

Not much. A buck and a half

a piece. With the tip.

Not the cab, bird brain,

the pad.

You mean like a joint venture?

One pad for the four of us?

Sure. Yeah.

Hypothetically, of course.

And one hypothetical

blonde?

Just for the sake

of argument.

How much, Howie?

Are you guys bucking

for the snake pit?

Thirty-eight dollars and

16 cents per week per man,

figuring four weeks

to the month.

Say, that's not too steep,

is it, George?

Yeah, no steeper

than the mortgage payments

on your home.

Actually, it's a shade less,

figuring four and a half

weeks to the month.

Yeah, but still in all,

an outlay that size,

I'd probably

have to take up with my wife.

Wait a minute. Do you know

what I did forget?

Clothes.

Clothes? What clothes?

For the blonde.

Of course, I could estimate

on the basis

of Joanne's

clothes budget.

You'd have to spend

a lot more than that.

Nothing doing. I'm not dressing

her better than my wife.

Why not?

My conscience

would bother me.

Hi, darling!

Hi!

Who was an Egyptian Pharaoh,

the Sixth Dynasty,

known as

''The Unspeakable''?

Irving K. Snodgrass.

Oh, Georgie, don't you

know anything?

There are a number of things

I happen to know.

Whether I believe it or not,

of course there are, dear.

Hey, I got it!

Keptu-Karmak.

That's right.

K-E-P-T-U-

Aren't you even gonna ask me

if whether I...

had a good time tonight.

I certainly am.

Did you have a good time

tonight, dear?

...M-A-K.

Well, it started out alright,

then we...

Ended up in Slattery's trying

to figure out what to do.

Sort of. We couldn't

make up our minds...

Whether or not

to go bowling?

Where are you going, George?

To finish something.

Finish what? A

sentence!

Ah, Georgie. Come on.

Come on back.

Come to bed.

Why should I?

Because you're

an irresistible man.

And besides,

my feet are cold.

Don't skulk, son.

It makes you look silly.

Hi, doll. I just didn't want

to wake you.

Why, that's ridiculous. I'm wide

awake, as you can plainly see.

I made you a sandwich.

Come on in the kitchen.

Okay. I could use one.

What kind of a day

did you have today?

Miserable.

Well, why?

What happened?

The alumnae bulletin

came today,

and the rabbits got

into the flower garden again.

Oh, give it up,

Mom. It's a losing battle.

I don't like them, Fred. I

don't like them one little bit.

Well, you're not supposed

to like rabbits.

Unless you're

another rabbit.

Now, don't change

the subject, Frederick.

I'm talking about your Thursday

nights out with the boys.

Oh, come on, Mom.

They're old friends.

They ate all

my gladiolus shoots.

The boys?

No, silly. The rabbits!

And speaking of marriage...

What?

Marriage, dear.

Marriage.

Oh, yes, I tried it once,

remember?

The gears didn't mesh.

Oh, I know.

But since you insist upon

robbing yourself of sleep,

and undermining

your health,

it really ought

to be with girls.

At least, there'd be something

to show for it.

Like what?

Grandchildren!

According to the bulletin,

I'm practically the only one

in my class who hasn't got any.

And, I was voted ''The Girl Most

Likely to Succeed.''

Cut it out, Mom.

I'm too embarrassed to even

show my face at the reunions.

You wouldn't go, anyway.

You've always hated them.

That's true, but...

Oh, I do want to be

a grandmother, in the worst way!

In the worst way?

I'll see what I can do.

Now, don't be crude,

Frederick.

That's not what I meant.

And you know it.

Besides, a man your age

needs a wife.

As a famous philosopher

once wrote,

''If you could get milk

for a penny a quart,

you wouldn't keep a cow.''

No, not if all you

wanted was milk.

What else would

I want from a cow?

I don't know.

Companionship?

Eight o'clock.

Isn't that coffee ready yet?

You can't

hurry it, dear.

If a train can hurry me, I can

hurry a percolator. Hurry!

See.

You're so magical,

dear.

Mother, after school today,

do you think...?

Don't speak with your mouth

full, Stewart.

And sit up straight like

your sister.

Well-bred people

don't slouch at the table.

Anyway, could you pick me up

after school,

so I could go straight

to the Little League practice?

I suppose so.

That reminds me, Toni,

while you're out today,

could you drop into the hardware

store and pick me up

a 100 feet of lead-in wire

and and four heavy-duty hinges?

Well, what for,

dear?

I want to fix the TV antenna

and rehang the garage doors.

Surprise, dear.

The TV man was here yesterday,

and the handyman's coming today.

But I wanted to do it, myself.

I've been looking forward

to it all week.

Doug, now how would it look

to the neighbors

if they were to see you hanging

your own garage doors?

It would look like we were

living within our income.

Exactly.

Do-it-yourself is perfectly

acceptable as a hobby...

But not if it

saves you money.

Daddy interrupted you,

Mother.

Fink!

Doug, you must think

of appearances.

It's so important

to set a good example.

Yeah, I know. Oh, it's late.

I gotta go.

Goodbye.

Bye. Goodbye,

dear.

Goodbye, darling.

See you at the usual time.

Who's ready

for more buttered toast?

I am!

And pass the jelly!

And the peanut butter.

I-I'LL take the other slice!

I mean, could I?

Will power, darling.

Remember our diet.

Your diet,

sweetheart.

I'm not exactly

what you'd call fat.

That's unkind, Howard.

After all, I'm only doing it

for your sake.

The least you could do

is set me a good example.

I'm putting your lunch box

next to your books.

Okay, honey, but if I die

of malnutrition,

you'll know

who's to blame.

You won't.

My physiology book says life

can be adequately sustained

on 900 calories a day.

For older,

sedentary people.

Uh-uh, Daddy,

no cheating!

It may interest you to know

that your sedentary old man

gets dizzy spells

every afternoon.

When that happens,

you should sit

with your head

between your knees.

What for?

It makes the blood rush

to your head.

So does a good punch

in the nose.

Howard! Not in front

of the children.

Where do you get

all this inside information?

I read a lot, Daddy.

You know, books.

He's just like you used

to be, dear,

A, A, A

in every subject.

I still could be, if I wasn't

starved all the time.

Fat around here!

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

So long, honey! So long,

dear.

Bye, Pop.

Have a nice day.

Never trust a kid

who gets straight As.

That does it,

and the rest are mine.

Of all

the bonehead leads.

I'm sorry, partner.

I'm just not with it today.

Small slam,

game and rubber.

Nothing like having a cousin

in the enemy camp, huh?

I don't

understand it.

I don't, either.

You lead right into his run

of clubs on the board.

Would you look

at that miserable sunshine?

What kind of an excuse

is that?

What'd you do, Mr. Weatherman?

Predict a rainstorm for today?

Don't needle me.

That warm air mass was supposed

be here two hours ago.

That does it!

I'm not gonna play with a guy

who's sitting around waiting

for a warm air mass.

Okay. Then I'll catch up

on my studies.

I'm on the Hundred

Best Books.

Play-Mate!

Now, you've gotta

respect a man

who's trying to improve

his mind.

I know you won't believe

this, fellas,

but I confiscated this

from my son's lunch box.

I believe it.

Some kids'll eat anything.

Hey, look at this.

''Ten Things Every Ideal

Bachelor Pad Should Have.''

Hey, Fred, I wonder

if your boss read this?

Only ten?

Oh!

Well, uh, number

one we ain't got.

Without Number One,

who needs the other nine?

I don't know. The barometer

went down this morning,

so where's

the low-pressure area?

In your head,

leading a club.

Right over there.

That's where the first clouds...

Shop talk, shop talk. Keep

your mind on important things.

Let me see that.

Ah, come on.

Now.. .

How much rent did you figure

for that

low-budget, economy-size

''love nest'' of yours?

Two hundred

a month tops.

And all you need

is a furnished layout

with two bedrooms, two baths,

glass enclosed showers,

den, bar, terrace,

stereophonic hi-fi, dinette

and indirect lighting,

all for 200 a month?

Lots of luck.

Two hundred a month!

Well, he is right,

of course.

Well, what pleasure can a guy

get out of just being right?

You could learn to hate

a guy like that.

It's not his fault

you can't get a set up

like that

for two hundred dollars.

We ought to look anyway.

We'd just be wasting

our time.

Not necessarily.

What if we waste

Fred's time?

Yeah. It would serve

him right.

For what?

For being so damn right.

Right? Right. Here he is.

Look sharp. I don't

get it.

You will. Just pick up

your cues.

No, I agree,

absolutely, men.

But after we find the pad,

whose name do we put it in?

Hello.

Stop showing off

your teeth.

Who do think you are,

Kirk Douglas?

Of course, George, why didn't

we think of it sooner?

A single man.

Fred's the answer.

He'll do it.

Fred'll do what? Sign

the lease.

Boys, we're in business!

So long, fellas.

It's been a real blast.

Uh, Fred, wait, wait.

Look at it

from the human angle.

If it ever hit the fan and one

of our names was on the lease,

how do you think it

would look?

Terrible.

Exactly. You it

can't hurt.

Fred, it's not

as though we're asking you

to get us a place

that fills all ten requirements.

You can skip

Number One.

All we want you to do

is get us the pad.

No, thanks. I know plenty

of girls who've got their own.

Fred, you're

being selfish.

If you won't do it, we have

to blow the whole deal.

Why do I have to be

the beard for you guys?

Beards are getting

more popular every day.

Uh, I-I'll be standing there

like a sitting duck.

Fred, what are

old friends for?

Yeah? Yeah?

Yeah.

Boys, plural?

You mean, like a quail trap?

On a co-op basis?

Sort of.

Bad scene.

That kind of set up

has wrecked more friendships...

And not to mention

marriages.

I'd hate to have

that on my conscience.

Then, skip it. Tell them you

couldn't find anything.

End of problem.

Welsh on my promise?

I'd hate to have

that on my conscience.

Nothing personal, Fred,

but a fella could get very sick

from a conscience like yours.

Wait a minute.

Your pals probably want a real

plush-type hideaway, right?

Good location, terrace, view,

things like that?

Ten things like that.

And I suppose they want to

pay two fifty, 300 a month?

Less. More like two.

Even better.

You're a cinch, Fred.

All you've got to do

is answer one ad,

let the renting agent laugh

in your face

and you can

put your conscience back

in the deep freeze.

I really won't be able

to find anything?

With those numbers?

Not a chance.

Now, let's pick out some nice

likely looking item

that'll get

you off the hook.

Here.

Where are we? Apartments.

The door's open. Come in.

Hello, there.

Yeah.

Uh, I'm Fred Williams.

I talked to you earlier

on the phone.

Oh, Fred Williams.

Yeah.

Come in. Here, let me get this,

take your things.

There we are.

My boy, you are about

to see a corner of paradise.

You're a lucky fella.

Usually a man has to die to get

into a set up like this.

Yeah, I know, but I'm not

prepared to go that high.

Just give me the hard lines

and let me go home. How much?

Well, it's a fruity Garden

of Eden, completely furnished,

is worth at least six

or seven hundred a month. Right?

Right. Thank you

and goodbye.

Oh, you're not leavin',

are you, Fred?

Yeah. I-I just hate to waste

your time Mr. Bowers.

No, it's Pete,

Freddy-boy.

Come on, let's have

a little blast.

Look, Pete. A little

drink then...

Look, 600 dollars is absolutely

out of the question.

So haggle a little, Fred,

haggle.

Why, this bar doesn't

even have a, a wine rack.

Do you think we built

this for peasants?

Fred, I would die

before I let any of my tenants

stack his wines vertically.

Now, how much more gracious can

you get for 500 dollars a month?

Here's the lease.

Just sign right here.

Goodbye again, Pete. Oh,

you are rough, aren't you?

What do you want?

A month's concession?

You're only getting a short-

term deal, you know?

Uh, uh, Pete, you're still way

over my head.

Well, exactly how high

is your head, in round numbers?

Fred I'm ashamed

to tell you.

You can't do business

if you're ashamed.

You got to fight me tooth

and nail.

Why? I can't win.

I'm very big

in the Lost Column.

Frankly, Pete, I can't even

afford the chandelier...

Sh.

Ha, ha, ha.

Yeah. Uh, just let me

show you, my boy,

what you, uh, think

you can't afford.

His and hers.

Mm?

Mm-mm.

Uh, what would you think

if I said 400?

I think you're still out

of talking distance.

Well, you sure kick a man

when he's down, don't you?

No, I don't mean

to kick.

I-I just want

to go home, Pete

But, Fred, boy,

you are home.

This is where

your roots are!

Let your Uncle Petey

prove it, huh?

Stack the wine.

The Mississippi

is the mother of rivers.

That's the

Midwest mother.

This is the

East Coast mother.

You take the apartment,

and we'll throw mother in!

For 350 dollars

a month?

Uh, uh, yeah, we'd better get

back inside!

Now, sit down

over there.

And shut your eyes.

Close them!

Controls for every room.

You know what I mean?

Now.. .

Here's the pen.

Use your right hand!

This is the lease!

Life is short! We only go around

once. I'm busy. Now, sign it!

Uh, let's face the facts,

300 dollars

is just more

than I can afford.

Mother warned me

there'd be days like this.

I know you. You're the boy

who was reared by the wolves.

Where's your

brother Romulus?

Can you run

on all fours?

Go ahead and seize me

by the throat! Devour me!

I didn't mean to upset you,

Pete.

Well, name a figure!

Two hundred dollars. Two

hundred dollars?

What are you?

Some kind of a nut?

Why are you trying to give

this place away for two bills?

You don't know?

Know what?

He doesn't know.

He doesn't know!

He beats me down to 200 dollars,

and he doesn't even know.

Give me back the papers,

and forget the whole thing.

Wait a minute.

What's your hurry?

You won't want

the place

when you find out

why you're getting a deal.

Why? What's the hook?

Does the name Orchid O'Hara

mean anything to you?

Orchid O'Hara?

The girl that...

You mean,

in this apartment?

Right there.

Twenty-three times.

The blood...

Yeah,

I read about it

in the papers.

Poor kid. Creepy.

Now, give me back

the papers

before we both do we something

we'll be sorry for.

Nothing doing.

A deal's a deal.

That's all I need.

Yeah, you and me both.

Well, there's another weekend

up the crick.

No, Miss Proctor,

no, don't take that down.

Now, where was I?

''Motivation-wise, your Nymph

Perfume attack...''

...is way off target.

You've got to make

every woman feel

that unless she uses Nymph

perfume, she's a pig. Period.

Next paragraph.

Yes?

Fred Williams? Alright,

I'll talk to him.

Fred, pal, I'm just up

to here with work.

Can't it wait for Slattery's

this evening or the train?

Meet you where?

Sure, I've got a pencil.

Mm-hm.

All the requirements

listed in Play-Mate, huh?

Including item Number One?

The blonde?

Oh nothing doing, pal.

That's your department.

My friend,

you're being unreasonable.

Unreasonable, my foot.

How would I go about

getting a girl like that?

How should I know?

Look in the yellow pages.

Place an ad in The Times.

That's a marvelous suggestion,

Mr. Drayton.

I got my job through an ad

in The Times.

Yes, I know.

Well, you've got dimes,

haven't you?

You phone The Times.

Phrase it anyway you like.

Advertising's your racket,

not mine.

You phone all the guys,

and meet me here at 5:30.

Goodbye.

Stupid jerk.

As though that kind of girl

even reads The New York Times.

I don't know what's tougher,

trying to fight your way

into that bar car,

or out of it!

What'd you get

the fourth drink for?

The little man

who wasn't there?

Force of habit, I guess. Maybe

he'll get on at 125th Street.

What would he be doing up

in this part of town?

Checking the rainfall?

Hey, maybe he's chasing

that pail of steam

we sent him

for this morning.

Oh, you don't actually believe

he fell for that gag, do you?

Oh,

of course not.

This afternoon, he even tried

to turn the rib on me.

Oh, he put on a great act

on the phone.

Like, how do you mean?

Like making me

write down the address,

so we could all meet

there tonight.

What address?

Who remembers? Something-or-

other East End Avenue.

I wrote it down here,

somewhere.

One Hundred and

Twenty-Fifth Street Station.

Are you sure

he was putting you on?

Oh, come off it.

He could no more

get a place like that

than he could fly

to the moon.

You know something?

Today a man can fly to the moon.

Chickened out.

That's what they did. Mm.

No wine rack.

How do you like guys

like that?

Don't get yourself

in an uproar, pal.

They'll be here.

If there's one thing I hate,

it's guys who chippen

when the chicks are down.

That's a pretty fat tongue

you've got there, bud.

You got a ringing in the ears?

Probably comes from drinking

tea many martoonis.

What do you mean, ''tea many''?

I had exactly through...

Three.

Alright, you guys.

Keep your shirts on.

Alright.

I'm coming.

Keep your shirts...

I came about your ad

in The Times.

So quick?

Quick?

Well, I mean,

how's it possible?

This is Apartment Seven B,

isn't it?

Seven B.

Y-Yes, it's Seven B alright.

Well, may I come in

and look around?

Oh, of course.

Please do.

Do you always stare

at people like that?

Ah. Uh, oh, oh, you'll have

to excuse me.

I'm just a little

mixed up.

Mm.

Y-Y-You see, I was, I was

expecting somebody else.

Oh, to see

the apartment?

Oh, well, y-yeah. You see,

they should've been here by now.

I suppose I should have phoned

for an appointment.

Oh, not at all, I'm delighted

you could drop in.

That wouldn't be tomorrow's

paper by any chance?

I beg your pardon.

Well, I thought maybe

the early edition?

How much have you had

to drink?

Well, what thinks you

make I've been...?

Well as a matter of fact...

Won't you join me?

No, thank you.

I think I'd better run along.

But you just got here.

I thought you wanted

to look around.

That won't be necessary.

The place is obviously

terribly expensive.

Oh, but it isn't.

It's ridiculously cheap.

T-T-That's why

I grabbed it so fast.

Well, certainly not.

Well then, why didn't you come

right out with it and tell me?

Oh. You mean that's why

you came here?

I-I distinctly said that

I came in answer to your ad.

Oh, well, I-I thought

you meant my ad.

Uh, uh.

George's ad.

He put one in too.

Where is it?

Show me?

Well, it, it's not

in today's paper.

Yesterday's?

Tomorrow's.

And you thought

I answered it today?

Ha. Well, I told you

I was mixed up.

Uh-huh.

I answer the doorbell,

and there you are.

You're blonde

and twenty-fivish, attractive.

Just what exactly were you

advertising for?

A blonde, attractive...

Well, a companion.

''A companion''?

For yourself?

Me?

No, no, no. No.

It's for, for George.

Oh?

Well, George is old and sickly.

Just one of the boys.

''Boys''?

Are there more

than just one?

In manner of speaking,

yes.

Two?

Almost.

What's almost two?

Three.

There's Doug and George

and Howie.

And you.

That makes four.

Me? Oh, no.

No, I'm not part of this deal.

What are you,

the house mother?

No, no, this sort of thing

isn't for me.

I'm not married.

You're not?

Any more.

What happened?

Well, we didn't like

each other.

Then, why did you get married?

How could we tell we didn't like

each other until we got married?

And the others?

They are married?

Yes. Oh, oh, but don't get

the wrong impression.

You're expecting them

here now?

Oh, well, there was some talk

about it on the phone.

Do you think the wheel chairs

will fit through the door?

Uh. Well, no, no,

seriously,

they're, they're wonderful

fellows.

Real aces.

Four aces chasing

one queen.

This I really gotta see.

You sure he said

''East End Avenue''?

Positive.

I wrote it down.

Ninety-eight

East End Avenue.

Right in the heart

of the French Poodle Belt.

That's one of the highest

rental areas in the country.

Look, Howie, if you haven't got

anything constructive to say,

don't say it.

Okay,

then you think of something

constructive to say.

And don't say it! Oh, why

don't you two relax?

The whole thing's probably

a gag anyway.

What's he being

so nasty about?

Never mind. I-I'll

give you seven to five

that Fred's

on a train home right now,

having the laugh

of his life.

W-Well, you know how it is.

C-Commuting over two hours

a day five days a week.

Well, you, you, you'd be

surprised how much that rat race

takes out of a man.

So the fellas got the idea that,

if, uh, you know,

it'd cut down on the ulcers

if they kicked in

to share a place in town,

that's all.

And the companion? The

companion?

This blonde, twenty-fivish thing

you advertised for.

Oh, the, the companion.

Well, actually, they really mean

something more like a. ..

uh, a housekeeper.

For blonde housework?

Say, the rain's let up.

Are you trying to get rid

of me?

Me? No, no, no.

It's just that I, I sort

of hate to take up your time.

Oh, well, I have lots

of time.

Does your offer

of that drink still hold?

Oh, sure, sure.

Oh, wo-wo-would you care

to look around?

Uh-huh.

The, uh, bucket's

practically empty.

I'd better get some more ice.

Do you need any help? No,

thanks.

You, you know, actually,

I'm not going to wait around

for the much longer.

Mm. Neither am I.

''Much longer.''

You're, you're not waiting

around to see them?

Oh, well, it, it isn't

every day a girl gets a chance

to meet men

who know how to share.

I mean really share.

Well, aren't you going

to answer it?

Or shall I?

No. No.

You, you wait here.

I'll answer it.

Now listen, fellas...

So he's on a train home,

is he?

Men, we're bankrupt. Would

you guys settle down...?

Oh, Fred, why didn't you

just take a gun and shoot us.

I mean that sincerely.

That would be the open

and honest thing to do.

All we wanna hear from you

is how much we're stuck for.

Two hundred a month. What's the

point in looking at it tonight?

Why don't we all

catch the 8:02?

We can come back tomorrow

when it's bright and early.

Wait. Did you say, ''Two

hundred a month''?

That's right.

But listen to me!

You did it.

I don't believe it.

He did it!

Fred, you're

the living end.

I don't believe it.

He did it.

Where's the kitchen? I gotta

look at the kitchen.

Uh, wait. Oh, come

off it, Howie.

First things first.

What? What?

The mattress works,

man.

We've gotta have a look

at the mattress works.

Two hundred a month.

Boys, look at...

Yahoo!

Ooh. It's almost like

foam rubber.

Foam rubber? Yeah.

When you push it,

it pushes back.

Ooh. It sort of makes you

feel wanted.

Hi!

Hey, guys. Hi,

George.

Come on.

Keep your voices down.

Why? What for?

Well, you don't yell

in a layout like this.

You whisper.

It's more refined.

Personally, in a layout

like this, I yell.

Yee-how!

Yee-how!

Yahoo!

Hey, fellas. Come here.

Get a load of this.

This place makes me feel

so completely uncensored.

I'm gonna buy me a tub

of perfume.

Nymph perfume.

That's right,

Nymph perfume. And I'm gonna

atomize the joint.

Will you please keep

your voices down!

The girls are gonna get a real

boot out of this place.

The who?

Your wives.

It's gonna be great for them.

Uh, a place to freshen up

when you come in to the theater.

Or they, they can take a cat nap

when they come in to shop.

What?

Fuzzy thinking, Fred. You've got

to watch that fuzzy thinking.

Right, Doug? Right.

You know, there's a place

where they send fuzzy thinkers.

Now, you don't want to go to

the fuzzy place, do you, Fred?

Come on, lay off him,

fellas.

Let's admit it. It took

a genius to find this place.

Right! Now, we've got to put

that genius to work

on one more little job.

Right.

Our companion.

Oh, oh come on, fellas.

Now, let's not go into

the details right now,

huh?

Just a small detail,

Fred.

One warm, delectable,

luscious, juicy blonde.

Hello, boys.

I'm Cathy.

When would you like me

to begin?

Mm, mm, mm.

Why don't you zombies

come back to earth?

Oh, I don't wanna come down

too fast.

I-I-I'm liable

to get the bends.

Look at me, an accountant

with a secret life.

I don't even know

if it's spelled with a C or a K.

Accountant?

No, dummy.

Cathy.

Hey, you know something?

She never even discussed money.

Yeah.

I don't like that.

It's, uh, it's not natural.

What's so ''not natural''

about it?

Oh, uh, a thing like that ought

to be, uh, settled first.

Just so there's, uh,

no kick back later on.

Maybe she

doesn't care about money.

Maybe she likes us.

I must say, she showed

an awful lot of interest in me.

In you? What about me?

like we were buddies

from way back when.

Yeah. Me too.

Yeah. Yes.

When, when she said she wanted

to get to know us,

I felt that

she really meant it.

I'm still worried

about the money.

W-We're likeable,

but, uh, not that likeable.

No, Doug, no. No, it's not

always a question of money.

It's a question

of attitude.

What does life

have to offer?

Different people look

for different values.

There are any number

of countries, for example,

where the

...primarily

for their health.

Oh, yes, Dr. Prokosch,

it's exactly what I need.

Mm-hmm, four men.

Jealous?

Oh, well, really, doctor.

That's not my problem.

Look, guys,

let's be practical.

There are certain.. .

organizational matters

to take up.

Meaning what?

We've got a lot of. . .

wires here.

Let's see if

we can't figure out a way

to keep them

from getting crossed.

Yeah, that is

a problem.

Well, now, who can stay in town

on Monday nights?

I can! I can!

Look, fellas,

let's be fair.

We all owe a great debt

of gratitude to Fred.

''Little League''?

This is Big League stuff,

baby.

Night games.

I-I have to show.

It's my only community

activity, besides drinking.

Okay. We'll straighten

that out later.

Right now, we've got

more immediate problems.

Such as?

Such as,

why we're breaking up

the night out. Right.

That'll explain all of us.

Now, we need one more good story

that'll explain each of us.

Right.

Uh-huh.

Not ''one good story.''

Four different stories.

Right.

Not four.

Three.

Okay, three.

Fellas, it strikes me

that we should get back

to the original problem.

It just struck me suddenly

that the boys don't offer me

any intellectual...

Stimulation?

I was wondering when

you were going to realize that.

Besides, there's something

positively...

Drab.

...Yes.

About an organized

Thursday night.

So, you'll be coming home every

night now, mm?

Well, not every night,

I've signed up for a seminar

on creative copywriting at the

New School for Social Research.

Oh? What night?

Monday.

Foreign words allowed?

Sure. There.

Mentiroso.

Mentiroso?

What's that?

Mm-mm.

Very good.

No, it's true.

They just don't give me any. . .

intellectual stimulation.

Of course not, dear.

What'll you do in town all

by yourself?

Well, the boss thought I ought

to sign up for a course

in Creative Investment

Ah, I'm sorry it's not Monday.

Me too.

Refill?

Please, dear.

How much is this, uh, Creative

Investment going to cost?

Oh, about,

uh, 38 dollars.

A week, if Fred chips in.

And even Fred. The fellas

just didn't give me any. . .

intellectual stimulation.

I could have told

you that.

So I signed up for a course

in Creative Accounting

at the New

School for Social Research.

''Creative Accounting''?

Yeah. So, uh, I'll be staying in

town alone on Wednesday nights.

Howie, don't just

stand there.

Take that water pistol away

from Joey.

Okay.

Let's have that rod, Petrelli.

Howard, must you make all

gangsters Italian?

That's Cagney.

He's not Italian.

What's for dessert,

Mom?

Chocolate-covered

creampuffs, dear.

Great! For the children.

Yogurt for us.

Be ready in five minutes.

Yogurt again.

Hey, Pop,

is that why you're staying

in town on Wednesday night?

To get yourself a cream puff?

Well.

What do you think?

What do I think? Mm-mm.

I think it's insane.

Cathy, idiot.

How did you get yourself

in such a situation?

Just lucky, I guess.

Please.

With my students

I make jokes.

With the professor

students don't make jokes,

especially when I'm angry.

But, Dr. Prokosch,

you're not being scientific.

You're being emotional.

I'm outraged.

I'm furious.

I'm not being emotional.

Emotional is when you cry.

Sorry, Dr. Prokosch.

More coffee?

No. Me, you won't twist

around your finger.

Not with coffee,

not with smiles.

Not with tears.

You'll have to use logic.

Alright. Logic.

Here is a whole semester's work.

Two hundred questionnaires on

the adolescent sexual fantasies

of the adult suburban male.

And they're all useless.

''Useless''?

How can you write a thesis

without facts?

Facts?

This, doctor, is fiction.

When it comes to sex, men don't

even tell themselves the truth.

And you expect them

to tell me?

Two hundred of the greatest

lovers in the world.

And they all live

in Scarsdale.

So, how do you

get the facts?

Like any other scientist.

In the laboratory, here.

You call this love nest

the scientific laboratory?

Your book on the social

adaptability of the chimpanzee,

was that scientific?

Well, of course.

A remarkable work.

Of course. Of course!

And how did you do

your research?

Did you interview

a thousand chimpanzees?

No, but...

No, you worked

with four chimpanzees.

You ate with them.

But, with the chimpanzees

I was safe.

I'll be safe,

believe me.

But how can you be sure?

No, no, no.

No, Cathy. No, no, no.

But it isn't. It really isn't.

I've met these men.

In a half hour, I learned

their whole life histories.

Whether wide-eyed kids

or dreamed of being locked

in a candy store.

And eating their way out.

Scientifically speaking,

a love nest is not a candy bar.

Every book, every magazine,

every ad, every movie they see,

it's like...

Well, they forget that sex is

just one small aspect of life.

Two point six percent.

The whole thing is a,

a fantasy.

Why, they don't really want

this adventure.

They've been sold that

they're supposed to want it.

Then how do you explain

the population explosion?

I am not talking about

what happens to them at home.

To them, I'm just a...

...a status symbol.

Like a sports car.

And my thesis deals with...

Oh, excuse me, doctor.

Hello?

Who?

Fred Williams?

Oh, Fred Williams.

I'm sorry.

I, uh, didn't expect to hear

from you so soon.

Well, yes, I'll be alone,

but, uh, I am rather tired.

Oh, well, if you're

in the neighborhood.

Alright, Fred.

Till later.

So, it begins.

It begins.

No, Cathy, no.

It won't work.

You're a student, a sociologist,

not a, a courtesan.

Don't you think

I can be attractive enough?

That's not the problem.

The opposite.

Can you look like

''yes'' and act like ''no''?

Can you entice them, lure them,

then postpone, evade, delay?

It needs a special kind

of experience and skill.

This a nice girl

hasn't learned.

No?

This is what a nice girl

has learned best!

It's all roses, now.

It's not too bad.

It's all roses now, but. ..

how long before you,

you sit alone and rejected,

taking refuge

in your fifth of gin?

Sit down, Fred.

I'm getting all worn out

just watching you.

I didn't come here

to sit.

Maybe you'd like

to, uh, stretch out.

Well, I'm stretched out

right now.

Vertically.

Do you know where all

of this is going to lead?

You're going to end up in some

dingy, third-rate hotel room

trying to squeeze some comfort

out of a bottle.

Please, Cathy,

there's still time.

Pack your things,

and get out of this place.

But why?

I'm comfortable.

The apartment is lovely,

and the boys are all aces.

Facts are facts,

Cathy!

Without a home and family,

what is there...?

Fred. ...in

life?

Did anyone ever tell you,

you talk too much?

It's all roses, now,

Cathy.

Mm.

Isn't it?

Yeah, I-I came here

to keep you from this.

Mm. And, from...this?

Yes. And this.

Anything else you want

to keep me from?

Yes.

This.

Fred?

Hm?

Do you believe in fair

employment practices?

Do you have to know

this minute?

Oh, please. Do

you?

Oh, yes. I do.

Then, I do too.

Oh, you and I shouldn't be

doing this now, Fred.

That's true.

It is Sunday.

Yeah, me too.

And everybody

deserves a day.. .off!

I wasn't even supposed to move

in until tomorrow.

But, but, Cathy.

And, you do want to be fair,

don't you, Fred?

Be fair?

Oh, sure.

Sure! Yes.

Well, I only came over today,

because...

You understand,

don't you, Cathy?

Uh, I certainly do!

It was nice of you to give up

your Sunday.

Oh, yeah.

Will I see you tomorrow?

No. George

is tomorrow.

Tuesday?

Tuesday is Doug.

Which is your day, Fred?

Mine?

I don't have a day.

Which day

don't you have?

Thursday!

That's nice.

Thursday will be here

before you know it.

Yeah.

Right after Monday, Tuesday

and...Wednesday.

What do you think

about the knot, Howie?

A little too large.

Large knots are tacky,

George,

Ah, George, George.

Put your arm out.

Yeah, the other

arm too.

Oh, you're showing

a little too much cuff!

There. Now, you'll

be alright,

as long as you don't move.

What do you think, Fred?

How do I look to you?

There's a little tattletale

gray in your cheeks.

Don't try to shake

my confidence.

Remember, men, I'm sort of...

I'm an ambassador tonight.

In a sense,

I represent all of us.

Well, how about another round,

Mr. Ambassador?

No, thanks. You gentlemen just

go ahead and drown your envy.

I'll run along

and present my credentials.

Hm. In twenty minutes,

he'll be saying ''Hello, Cathy!''

It's 5:48 now.

Well, you've got

to give them some time

for drinks

and then dinner and, uh. . .

What'll you

be doing at 9:30?

Watching television,

with tears in my eyes.

Me?

I'll be weeping

at another network.

One, two, three, four.

Testing. Testing!

It's not the same man

as yesterday.

Why don't you put up a time

clock and make them sign in?

Well, then,

maybe you don't care

what happens to property

values, but I do!

Look how guilty

he's acting!

It's even worse

than when Orchid lived there.

George?

Hello, you.

Mm, hi.

Champagne, my dear.

Is it in order? Mm.

Champagne is always

in order.

The chill

is still on it.

Shall we have

some now?

Hm. I'll get

the glasses.

Allow me.

Oh, no.

You just relax.

Uh-mm.

The music.

It seems to go with you.

I mean that sincerely.

It goes with us.

Mm. I'd love it.

Isn't it wonderful, having

the whole evening ahead of us?

The whole evening

until about 11.

Oh?

The last decent train home

is 11:35.

Ah, well, still

gives us lots of time.

You have such

a lovely shoulder, Cathy.

Mm?

Oh.

I mean that sincerely.

You ever been told that?

That you have a lovely neck?

Oh, this old thing?

I've had it for years.

Wonderful,

a fabulous nape.

Ever since I was

a little kid,

I've been kinda funny

for neck napes.

George, you must have been

a, a fascinating child.

comme ci comme ca.

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm sure you were.

Why don't you tell me

a little something. . .

about your childhood?

Well, I, um. . .

I didn't exactly come here

to talk, Cathy.

Oh, but I know that, but

everything will be so much nicer

when we. ..really get

to know each other.

''I mean that sincerely.''

Well, I won't bother you with a

lot of needless details, Cathy.

Let's just say

that I was born...

on a Tuesday

at 3:25 p.m.

in the bedroom of a two-story,

wooden frame house

in Teaneck, New Jersey.

The date, the date

was March 7th, 1927.

I knew that was going

to happen.

Yeah.

So did I.

This was my first job.

My first job!

Well, the boss figured

I was just a kid

and I wouldn't know

which end was...

that's fine, thanks

...up!

But when I found out

that he expected a kickback

on my commissions. .. Mm.

My commissions!

I told him a thing or two!

I said, ''Look, I may be

just a kid,

but nobody, I mean nobody,

pushes me around!''

From that time on...

he was in the palm of my hand.

I could have had anything

I wanted from him.

And you know why?

Because even though...

Sorry, Cathy,

I've only got fifteen minutes

to catch the 11:35.

Oh, it's a shame.

I could listen to you talk

all night long.

Say, about that, Cathy.

Huh?

Wrong idea?

Yeah, if they knew

all I did was

that I didn't...

Yes, George?

That all I did was talk!

Oh, that's something

that no one will ever know,

except you and me.

Hm-mm.

Will you stop yawning?

It's repulsive.

Get off

his back, Fred.

The boy had a big night.

Right, George?

Hmmm-hmmm.

Was it, really?

Well, hmmm.

Anything you wanna tell me,

you think I ought to know?

At your age?

Don't be ridiculous.

Come on, guys.

You gonna play bridge?

Hey,

what's eating you today?

You know something?

I don't think that Fred

exactly loves me this morning.

As a matter of fact,

I hate you this morning.

You hated

George yesterday.

Today, it's Doug.

You gonna hate me

tomorrow?

I'm getting

an early start.

I hate you now.

I knew three brothers,

once,

who were dating

the same girl.

Until that time,

they were the most devoted,

wonderful group of guys

you'd ever want to know.

The oldest one was

the best looking.

But, the younger one was. ..

. . .into an early grave.

What a terrible way

to go!

Hello, Cathy.

Hi.

For you.

Oh, mm.

They're lovely, Doug.

I tried to get flowers

appropriate to the occasion.

Here let me put one

in your hair.

Oh, no.

No, here's where

it belongs.

There. Now,

how about some music?

Which would you like,

''The Love Death'' from Tristan,

or the Romeo and Juliet

overture?

Play the ''Love Death.''

I'm in a love death mood.

Uh-huh.

I know what you mean.

Oh!

Wouldn't you know it?

And I bought those records

just for tonight.

Let me have a look.

Maybe I can fix it.

Oh, could you,

Doug?

Well, that would

be wonderful.

Just leave it

to me.

All fixed.

Marvelous, Doug.

Sounds great, doesn't it?

Doug, you're wonderful.

Do you know anything

about garbage disposals?

Garbage disposals?

Hi, Howard!

Sweets to the sweet!

Hmmm-hmmm.

Thank you.

That's the gooey

assortment.

Do you dig goo?

I dig it the most.

Yeah? Me too.

I hope you'll forgive

the way I'm dressed.

I think you look

wonderful.

Something came over me today

and I just had to cook!

Cook?!

Uh-huh.

You don't mind if we eat

in tonight?

Mind? Not at all.

You made all this

yourself? Uh-huh.

I love to cook!

Sometimes I even dream

about food. Do you?

Often! It can be

pretty frightening.

Once in a dream

I murdered my boy, Joey,

over some

peanut brittle.

You shouldn't let dreams

frighten you.

Rotten kid!

He wanted the whole piece.

My! That is the most beautiful

thing I've ever seen!

Flatterer!

I- I'm not dreaming now,

am I?

This is real,

isn't it?

I mean really real?

Why don't you pinch it

and see?

Hm.

It's 10:40 already.

The night certainly

went by quickly.

I was just wondering, Cathy,

if you and I, if we...

Yes, Howard?

If we hurried, Cathy,

do you think we'd still have

time for a chocolate malted?

A chocolate malted?

Was I right

about the suburban male?

Careful! Careful!

You are making dangerous

generalizations.

Four men prove nothing.

A chocolate malted?

Four men or four thousand,

doctor,

the pattern's always

the same.

Trust me.

You I trust.

I don't trust Monday, Tuesday,

Wednesday and Thursday.

You've heard those tapes.

What could possibly

happen?

One fine day, young lady,

Monday will come on Monday,

and so will Tuesday.

I doubt it.

I didn't hear Thursday

on that tape machine.

Thursday records tonight.

What is he like,

this Thursday?

Oh, like the others.

A little bigger.

Maybe a little handsomer.

Eyes?

Brown.

Hair?

Black.

Distinguishing marks?

Cute little mole

under the left ear.

Tell me, Cathy,

what color are Wednesday's eyes?

Wednesday's eyes are. . .

Well, what difference does

that make?

Oh?

Wednesday was there

on Wednesday.

Thursday was there

last Sunday.

Yet, you remember

last Sunday's Thursday

better than yesterday's

Wednesday.

Interesting, no?

Roll you for the tab,

Mr. Slattery?

Why not?

Say, you look like the guy

who just missed the last ferry

out of Devil's Island.

What's the matter?

No date?

Oh, I've got a date,

alright,

but every time I look

at her,

all I see is trouble.

Close your eyes.

What?

Close your eyes

and anything goes away.

Not three guys I know.

They won't go away.

Oh?

Three five.

So you don't have

a clear track?

Clear track?

I'm practically in

the Grand Central Switchyard.

I'm fresh out of crying towels,

Mr. Williams.

You lose.

I'm not getting much sympathy

around here tonight.

Sympathy won't get you

any place.

What you've gotta do is try

and throw a switch or two.

Maybe I'll do just that,

Mr. Slattery.

As my sainted mother

used to say,

''If you can't lick 'em,

join 'em.''

Hello, Fred.

Hi, Cathy.

For a while, I thought

I was being stood up.

And that hasn't happened

to me since high school.

That figures.

I made some martinis.

Would you like one?

No, thanks.

We're going to vary

the routine tonight.

The routine?

All the preliminaries,

the small talk,

the drinks, you know.

Sit down, Fred.

Tell me, what's been happening

since the last time I saw you?

Well, why waste time?

Waste?

Oh, of course.

I'm sorry the evening's

gonna be so short.

Short?

Who said it?

You do have to catch the 11:35,

don't you?

Why?

Aren't there any beds

in this place?

Appalling.

I can't look.

I just can't look.

Force yourself.

Fred Williams, you stop that

this instant.

Why? Did you quit

your job?

Don't you dare talk

to me like that!

Like what?

Do you think that you can just

charge in here

and throw your weight around

without so much as saying

good evening?

Good evening.

Oh!

Good night!

It wasn't even

our anniversary!

George too?

That's funny!

On Wednesday, Doug told me

he loved me.

Without the slightest

provocation!

How are things at your house,

Joanne?

Oh, all

sweetness and light.

On Thursday, Howie took me

in his arms and called me

Oogums.

Ugh!

Who the devil is that?

Ethel!

What in the world

are you doing here?

When I was

in college,

I had a boyfriend

from Sweden,

and a Swedish massage

always revives fond memories.

What's all this nonsense

about guilty consciences?

I didn't mean to upset you.

Now, what could Howie possibly

have on his conscience?

A woman. What else?

A woman.

That's incredulous.

My late husband

was incredulous four times

that I know of.

Ethel, don't be absurd.

You know the boys.

Especially Doug.

Don't pay any attention

to me.

I've got

a suspicious nature.

When Geoffrey told me

he loved me

in the middle

of the week,

I made a bee-line

to Ernest Bohannon.

The best private eye

since Sherlock Spade.

And Howie?

That's ridiculous.

Oh, of course it is.

Of course it is.

without consulting me first.

Oh, Ethel, you ought

to be ashamed of yourself.

I am, a little...

And George

with another woman?

The idea's

absolutely ludicrous.

I trust George to the end

of the earth.

Good afternoon.

May I help you?

Yes. I would like...

Well, hello.

Gosh, Marge,

I didn't expect...

To see me here?

No. Yes.

Our dinner service

has been disappearing.

I don't trust George either.

It's not

that I don't trust Howie,

but last night,

he was singin' in the shower.

Put yourself in my hands,

I guarantee complete

satisfaction.

Thank you,

Mr. Bohannon.

Hi, Toni.

Hello, Marge.

Joanne.

I was just...

Yeah. Me too.

Girls, what do you say?

Shall we work out

a package deal?

Good night.

Got a light?

After you.

After you.

Ah, don't worry

about the grease.

It'll come off in a couple

of days.

Well, I hope so.

Thanks for everything,

Doug.

Good night.

Good night.

You have a blond hair

on your jacket, sir.

Must be my dog.

Your blond dog?

Golden retriever.

Golden re...?

That's a good one.

Can I get you

anything else?

Oh, not a thing.

Not a single thing.

It's all fixed,

lady.

What's all

fixed?

Air conditioner

in the bedroom.

Hope I didn't disturb you

and your hubby.

Good night.

I wouldn't trust

that character

with any air conditioner

of mine.

He's got feet

like a cop.

This Wednesday

is amazing.

If you listen closely,

you can hear

all eight sinus passages.

Now, don't you agree

I'm making progress?

If snoring is progress, yes.

Otherwise...

You heard the tapes.

You've seen my notes.

There's a definite pattern

emerging.

Half a pattern.

Why only half?

Cathy, to study a man who leads

a life away from home,

you must learn something

about the home

from which he leads

it away from.

Their homes?

Well, I don't want to meet

their wives.

That's up to you.

Only, remember, there are

two sides to every pillow.

When it comes to sex,

men can't keep from lying

and women can't keep

from telling the truth.

I don't know

which is worse.

Yes?

Good afternoon,

Mrs. Jackson.

I'm doing

a sociological survey

on the sexual patterns

of the suburban male.

You mean something

like the Kinsey report?

Well, a little.

I wonder if you'd object

to answering a few questions.

Is that all the paper

you've got?

As you know, it's

a scientific survey dealing

with very intimate matters.

Yes, I've read some

of them. Wow!

I know.

You don't mind

if I ask you

some highly personal

questions.

Well, it isn't every day

a girl gets a chance

to talk about science.

I have here a list

of twenty basic questions.

Okay, fire away.

Some of them may prove

a bit embarrassing.

Well we'll see

who blushes first.

But, you don't understand,

Mr. Slattery,

this guy's all tied

up in knots.

He's really hooked

on the girl.

Why butt in,

Mr. Williams?

Well, what would you do

if a close friend

of yours was carrying

a torch

for a girl who was acting like

a tramp?

How bad is he hooked?

About as bad as you can get.

but when he remembers the girl,

he forgets the score.

He just stops thinking!

Some guys use their heads,

some guy just plunge.

that one method is

any better than the other.

Maybe, but with a girl

like that,

what kind

of a chance has he got?

I'll tell you a secret,

Mr. Williams,

you take any guy and gal

in the world,

shake 'em up, throw.

Now,

if your friend really feels

like you say

about this girl,

his odds are no worse

than anybody else's.

Oh, I don't know.

I just don't know.

Better give me a refill,

Mr. Slattery.

One thing sure, your friend's

not gonna be happy

until he gets

off the dime.

You might also

tell him to lay off the sauce.

You know something,

Mr. Slattery?

You know something,

Mr. Slattery.

Hi, Cathy.

Hello.

May I come in?

By all means.

My house is your house.

Cathy, I...

Would you like to do

a little door slamming now?

Or would you prefer

to wait?

I want to explain

about that.

Something got

into me.

Probably a martini.

No, it wasn't

a martini.

Cathy, don't you have

any idea why I'm here?

Of course. You came to deliver

the sermon of the week.

No. I've got something

on my mind.

May I have a drink?

I was waiting

for that.

Help yourself.

You always seem to need

a drink

before you talk to me,

don't you?

For what I have to say now,

yes.

Where's the ice?

In the refrigerator.

Whistle.

Maybe it'll come to you.

Oh, forget

the whole thing.

I shouldn't have

come here at all.

Why? We made a bargain.

I keep my part of it.

I don't like being

just part of a bargain.

Fred, wait a minute.

I didn't mean it.

I'm glad you came.

Let me get you some ice,

hm?

No, thanks.

I don't need a drink now.

Cathy, I- I just can't

figure you out.

I know you're one kind

of person,

What makes you think so?

Well, it- it's not

what I think.

It's what I feel

about you.

What kind of person

are you really?

I'm all mixed up.

I like you, Cathy.

I like you very much.

But I just don't know.

Well,

you should know.

Fred,

look at me.

If you really feel

that way,

you shouldn't have

to ask me anything.

Then, how am I supposed

to find out?

Well, certainly not by slamming

the door in my face, Fred.

It wasn't exactly

in your face.

I was standing

in the doorway and...

Please, Cathy,

it's over and done.

the very first time

I came up here.

I went out of my way

to talk some sense

into that head of yours

and I got nowhere fast.

You walked in here

like Elmer Gantry,

and in five minutes,

I was fighting you off

that chair.

You were fighting me?

That's a laugh.

I got off of that chair

under my own steam.

Huh. And you had plenty

of it.

That's right. After I saw what

I was dealing with.

I said what

I was dealing with.

Why, you self-righteous

hypocrite.

Do you know

what you are?

You're nothing but

a self-righteous hypocrite!

And this time,

I'll slam the door on you.

Well, we'll see

who gets the last slam.

Hello?

And please tell me it's Fred.

Did you get the flowers?

Mm-hm. And they're beautiful.

Even delivered at 8:00

in the morning.

What are you doing tonight?

Mm - whatever you want to do.

That problem's solved.

How about Saturday?

I'm in the mood to take orders.

Great.

Catch the 9:30 to Greenwich.

I'll meet you at the station.

Be there early. I may fly.

There's no plane to Greenwich.

Hm. Who needs planes?

Fred? Fred?

Greenwich?

If I'd have known,

I'd have worn my bloomers.

Forgot to tell you.

We're having a little league

game this morning. Uh-huh.

I'm the manager.

Mm-hm.

Who'll be there?

Just the two of us?

Plus a few mothers and fathers

and kissin' cousins.

Fred, don't you think

that maybe...? Don't worry.

It'll only take an hour

or so.

We'll have the rest of the day

to ourselves.

It's a very important game.

We're battling it out

for sixth place.

Alright, gang,

we're getting two.

Fire away, Mike.

Come on, everybody play, Mike.

Joey looks sharp,

doesn't he, honey?

Yeah. His fast ball's

comin' in real good.

Gosh, I sure hope

Fred uses him today.

Oh, he will, honey.

Joey's comin' on real strong.

Last week he pitched

a 14 hitter.

Looks as though Fred's gonna go

with Joey McElhenny.

What kind of stuff

has he got?

See that slow ball he

just dropped in there?

That's his fast ball.

Look at that, right over

the plate on only one bounce.

Look out,

Mike.

Say, who's that girl

with Fred?

Fred? Fred who?

Look. Something very familiar

about her face.

Ever met her before?

Never saw her before

in my life.

What girl?

I don't see any girl.

Of course, that's the girl who

interviewed me the other day.

About what,

Joanne?

Nothin' important.

Sex.

That's nice.

Would you excuse us,

please?

What's the matter,

Doug?

I'll be back

in a minute.

I've got to make

a phone call.

A phone call?

What do you expect me

to say in public?

How about the line-up?

Yeah, I'll be right there.

Conference time.

I gotta determine

the line-up.

Right now.

Don't make a scene,

everybody's watchin'.

On a commission basis?

Couldn't find dynamite

instead?

I hate to upset you guys.

Cathy's with me.

I don't have

to apologize.

Mr. Williams.

Yeah, Joey.

Oh, hi, Pop.

Mr. Williams, umpire wants

the line-up.

Oh, yeah. Alright.

You bet.

Be seein' you, Pop.

Probably

on alternate weekends.

It's gonna be

your fault.

Haven't you got

any sense?

You've gotta get her out

of here! Wait a minute.

Wait? Everything's

about to blow sky high.

You wanna live dangerously.

But count us out.

That's exactly

what I'm doing.

Counting you out.

All three of you.

What?

I'm gonna ask Cathy

to marry me.

I got it.

...to think

it out.

I have thought

it out

and I know exactly

what I'm doing.

Thought?

You call that thought?

I think you're crazy.

There comes a time

in every man's life

when he has to disregard

the opinions of others

and do what he feels

in his own heart is right.

Go back. Go back.

Have you gone out of your

ever-lovin' mind?

You can't do this.

Who's gonna stop me?

I am. I'm not gonna stand by

and watch you ruin your life.

Fred, baby, how are you gonna

feel about us?

How are you gonna be able

to look us all in the face?

It's no problem, boys.

You're off the list.

Mr. Williams.

Mr. Williams.

They're hitting Joey

all over the place.

I'll be right there.

We're in bad trouble,

Mr. Williams.

The game just started.

I know, but they've got

two men on base.

Look, fellas, I gotta

go out there. They need me.

No, you don't.

Mr. Williams, they've got

three men on base.

Alright,

tell them I'm coming.

You better get out there.

Shut up, Howie.

Fred,

I'm begging you.

Mr. Williams.

The catcher's crying!

Joey!

Keep fighting!

Joey, stay in

there, boy.

You go back out there, Seymour.

I'll be right with you, huh?

We're gonna keep you from this

if we have to tie you down.

I wouldn't try it.

Now, look,

Cathy and I we'll be

living in New York.

Fred, you can't keep this

kind of thing a secret.

What'll you tell your mother?

What will people say?

That's enough, George.

Can't you just

hear the minister.

Congratulations,

Mrs. Williams.

And what did you do

before you met Fred?

Don't do it, Fred. I impede you

as one of your oldest friends.

My mind's made up.

Oh, don't do it, Fred.

Please, don't.

Don't take Joey out. Let him

pitch his way out of this jam.

Yahoo!

Don't you think we ought to

get in out of the rain?

Why? This is the most

romantic spot in town.

How about

the dugout?

And the car?

What are we, a couple

of teenagers?

Did you know it was

gonna rain today?

Sort of. Of course, when

I knew you were coming,

I didn't think

it would dare.

Then, the game doesn't

count, does it?

No. Rain washed

everything out.

Next time they get

to start all over?

With no score.

A pretty good

break for you.

It's a good break

for both of us.

That's what

we're gonna do.

What do you mean?

Start all over.

With no score.

Fred, there's something I

should've told you long.

After we get married, I don't

think we'll live with Mom.

What else?

With everything that

you think about me,

you still

want to marry me?

I told you it was

all rained out.

There's something I

have to tell you

I never

heard of 'em.

No, Fred, please

listen to me.

They're details that you

really ought to know.

No, no.

No details.

The evenings that I spent with

George and Doug and Howie. . .

...they just...

I can't believe it.

You mean

there's more?

Oh yes.

Since all 3 cats were playing

on the same back fence,

Bully

for you.

Oh, no. No. You ladies

will reap the rewards.

I have given you each a

25 percent discount.

This will apply

to all future charges.

Wire taps, photos,

the other evidence

I can't pay this

out of my allowance.

I certainly can't

show this to Doug.

I don't think you ladies have

looked closely enough.

Girls, I know how you feel. But

you mustn't do anything foolish.

Don't worry, I won't.

I'm going to go and get me the

best divorce lawyer in town.

Won't he be

terribly expensive?

All I want is a

reasonable settlement.

Alimony, the house, the station

wagon, the power tools. . .

Now you're talking.

and then make

them suffer?

Never. Not in a

million years.

You can lose an arm

like that, dear.

He was a nothing

when I met him.

I molded him.

And there I was drinking

Metrecal for a monster.

Next week is our anniversary.

I was going to give him the

loveliest handbag to give me.

Catch me giving him an

alligator handbag now.

Pretty depressing.

Yeah.

Fred's one guy I thought would

be my friend for life.

It's not the same old train,

and it's not the same old

saloon without him.

Oh, he'll get over it.

Just wait and see.

You saw the way he walked by us

on the train and sat by himself.

Yeah, that busts up the

bridge game among other things.

No, it doesn't. I told you old

Fred wouldn't bear a grudge.

Let bygones be bygones.

It's alright with me.

Glad to see you, Fred.

Pull up a glass.

Let's get to

the point, eh?

Here's a balance

sheet for each of you.

I've pro-rated the expenses,

the rent, liquor, utilities.

You can mail me your checks

at your earliest convenience.

You sound like you're trying to

buy back your introduction.

That's it. In view

of past history,

I don't think Cathy and I

will be seeing any of you again.

Ah, don't say

that, Fred.

You're not gonna let a dame

like that bust up a friendship?

Dame like what?

Well, gee, Fred.

You know, a dame who...

That does it.

Stand up Buster.

I am standing up.

If you had any guts,

you'd be taller.

Fred, wait. Where

are you going?

I have to get some air. I got to

walk off some of this charge

before I meet

''that dame.''

If you guys are smart, you won't

cross my path again. Or hers.

Gee.

Sit down, Howie.

It's okay.

I am

sitting down.

Oh.

That display was

a little uncalled for.

Everybody's staring at us.

Let's go sit down, eh?

Boy, did you ever see a guy so

hot under the collar?

We're the ones who

should be sore.

He's ruining a perfect

setup for us.

You know, the more I think about

it, the luckier we are.

Lucky?

If Joanne ever got wind of it,

how could I ever convince her

that I never even. . .

Hmm?

That you never

even what, Howie?

No-nothing. Nothing.

Just a moment.

We like whole sentences,

don't we, George?

Mmm.

Never even what, Howie?

Knock

it off.

Now come on.

We're practically

next of kin.

Okay, what with the way

Joanne's been starving me,

skipping lunches to get

up my share of the split,

by the time I got to Cathy's,

all I was was hungry.

Look, I don't care what

you guys think.

She always struck me as a girl

who deserved something better.

Better than you?

No, better than you. Better than

me, too come to think of it.

I haven't liked any of us much

the past couple of weeks.

Sit down, cousin.

You and me, both.

Finish your drink.

You either? But, on

the train, you said...

I didn't say a thing. I can't

help the way you guys listen.

Oh brother.

What a pair of swingers you guys

turned out to be.

Okay, so I'm a square with an

old-fashioned sense of guilt.

No offense, George,

but you're not the most

sensitive guy in the world.

What do you mean? What do you

mean, I'm not sensitive?

Well, the way

you've been talking.

You're not the only one who

can't help how people listen.

It so happens that I'm just as

sensitive as you are.

Hard to imagine

the children fatherless.

Especially at breakfast.

It's a strange thing

about a monster.

You sort of get used to

having it around the house.

Or should we go to that woman's

place and scratch her eyes out?

Now, let's not make any snap

decisions on an empty stomach.

Waitress. Waitress, darling,

another round, please.

Are you sure, madam?

Madam is sure.

Madam is crocked.

Have you noticed how insolent

the help has become lately?

Ever since the

Kennedy's got in.

Hey, guys, it's getting

around that time.

Wait a minute.

If Cathy's not a.. .

. . .if she's not that kind of

a girl, what is she?

What do

you mean?

Men, we're

in trouble.

Trouble? What

kind of trouble?

Well, if you were a girl on the

make and you saw that pad,

what would you think of

the guys that kept it?

That they were loaded.

Check, And if you thought they

were rich and married,

what would you do

with three ripe chumps?

Blackmail.

She even interviewed

our wives.

That's a cool operator.

She must have a file

on us three yards thick.

And Fred. He's in

up to his chin.

And she's gonna

make waves.

We've gotta

save him.

We gotta save

ourselves too.

Yeah.

But how?

You can't blackmail

without evidence, right?

We've got to go through

that pad with a fine tooth comb.

Come on.

But that's

illegal entry.

Illegal entry my foot

it's our apartment

Before you do

another thing,

I say you should go see that

woman, face to face.

Right.

And then what?

And then we'll

scratch her eyes out.

No, no, no. I can't sanction

the shedding of blood.

Maybe we can

have her arrested.

How?

For transporting men

across the state line.

She didn't transport them. The

New Haven Railroad did.

Well then, what about

the apartment?

I mean, it's in a

residential section.

Maybe we could get her on a

zoning rap, mmm?

Okay. And then we can

scratch her eyes out.

No, no, no. Hold it. Hold it.

I've a much better idea.

Waitress.

What are you

doing, Ethel?

Waitress, would you bring me two

olives and a cherry, please.

Two olives and a cherry?

Yes, my dear,

on toothpicks.

Well, do you want

them in something?

In the palm

of your hand.

Ethel, what

are you doing?

As long as you're going

to see this woman,

we might just as well make

the visit fruitful.

Oh.

We'll behave with dignity.

We'll simply tell her she

cannot have all three men.

Uh, which one?

She has to return

the two olives.

And she can keep the cherry.

I always did

like olives.

Doug.

Doug.

Well, hello.

Where's

Fred?

What are you

boys doing here?

Never mind.

Where's Fred?

Well, he's

not here yet.

Then, we're

in time.

In time for what?

You'll find out.

Let's go, fellas.

Disgraceful.

Two men this time.

Uh, not two, three!

Children of Satan, repent,

repent, repent.

Well, don't just sit there,

Jason, do something.

I'm not just sitting here.

I'm repenting.

Look at this, fellas, look.

All kinds of notes.

A whole file on

each one of us.

And a typewriter.

What's wrong with

a typewriter?

Ha! She wants to know what's

wrong with a typewriter.

Come to think of it, what is

wrong with a typewriter?

In her line of work?

But we don't know for sure what

her line of work is.

We do, now. Right.

And this is one shake-down she's

not going to get away with.

A shake-down?

Yes.

A shake-down.

Do you fellas actually

think that I...?

This...is really too much.

Say, that's a very good piece of

equipment.

What the

devil is that?

Hey.

That's me.

Okay. That's the payoff. Get all

the stuff together, Doug.

Just one moment.

That material belongs to me.

Not any more, it doesn't.

We're putting you out of business.

Doug, give that to me this

instant. I need it.

Why? So you can

bleed us all white?

And mess up the lives of 3 sweet

innocent, unsuspecting women?

This is it, ladies.

This is just one tape.

There's gotta be more.

Alright, Cathy,

let's have the rest.

Stop being

ridiculous, fella.

You're gonna play

it tough, huh? Alright.

We know lots of ways of making

you come across. Right, Doug?

Right. But, we won't

use 'em unless we have to.

What ways,

George?

A twist of the

arm might help.

Here.

Twist.

Here, Doug, you twist.

You twist.

It was your idea.

I thought I told you guys I

didn't want you bothering Cathy.

Fred, don't be a sap. We're

trying to save your skin.

Take your choice. Go out of here

on your feet or on your head.

Don't... They think i'm

trying to blackmale 'em!

Well, that's right.

She is.

I ought to break

all your necks.

Well, now look, Fred,

figure it out for yourself.

Tape recording. She's got

file folders on all of us.

She was even pumping our wives.

This is a vicious dame, Fred.

You can't blame them for

being suspicious.

Oh, i'm a lot more

than suspicious.

Fred, she's got

a typewriter.

George, i'm warning you.

Fred, don't.

Wait.

I may as well confess.

My thesis is ruined anyway.

You're what?

My thesis.

I'm not a blackmailer,

boys, honest.

I was merely doing post-graduate

work in sociology.

They give degrees

now in your line?

You expect us

to believe that?

What's this so-called

thesis all about?

Oh oh, well, you're not

gonna like this.

It's called,

"Adolescent Sexual Fantasies in

The Adult Suburban Male."

Oh, boy, does she have

you guys figured out.

Us guys?

Look who's talking.

Oh, boy, is this a

load off my mind.

This-this-this could have

blown sky-high at home.

And you figured that we

had to save old Fred here,

from a fate worse than death.

What are old friends for?

Fred, only one thing to say and

i say this in all sincerity,

congratulations,

you lucky stiff.

You've not only got

yourself a living doll...

Not to mention a

great listener.

But a PhD in the

bargain, and boy,

you can't hardly get

them no more.

Alright,

knock it off.

Fred? Well, what's

the matter?

The matter? It's one thing for a

girl to be - uh - to go wrong.

A guy'd have to be narrow-minded

not to overlook that.

But to make me a miserable

guinea pig,

to use a guy for an experiment.

To be a dirty, contemptible

sociologist.

That's about as low

as you can get.

Fred, i... Oh...

Now, see what you've

gone and done.

Ah now, don't worry, Cathy.

He's just a little upset.

Yeah.

Well, sure, honey, he'll be back

in a moment, i guarantee it.

Yeah.

Good evening,

Frederick.

Hi mom.

Hello, Fred.

What's he doing here?

Must be in it with them.

Wait a minute, Playboy, where

do you think you're going?

Frederick, you come

along here with us!

Alright, Mom, but you're

not going to like it.

There, now. Cathy won't wet

any more tissues, will she?

What kind of

economizing is that?

You see?

Fred!

Fred, i'm so...

Well, if it isn't Elsie Kinsey

of Sunnybrook Farm!

What are you doing here?

She works here.

I thought you were

a sociologist.

She is.

What a sideline she's

got going for her.

You know what

she's done now?

Toss the tid-bit.

She sent out for

more women.

Sounds like a sensible idea.

Hi, Marge.

Hi, Toni.

Hi, Oogums.

My maiden name is Joanne

Freemantle. You monster.

So this is the new School for

Social Research, is it, George?

This is a tax situation,

darling.

It's too complicated to explain.

Wait until i'm through...

Now, i know what you mean

by Creative Accounting.

Toni, darling, what a

pleasant surprise!

Don't hit.

Please.

Please! It's a terribly

lower-case thing to do!

This whole thing

is a mistake!

You bet it was!

Nothing happened in this

apartment. Not a thing!

Oh, Joanne, honey,

can't we go home?

Home! What home, monster?

Where do we have a home?

Greenwich, Connecticut,

the Nutmeg State.

This is quite a classroom,

isn't it?

Did you clap erasers

for the teacher?

Sweetie, this is just

circumstantial evidence.

Sweetie, that's all, it is.

Please. Doug and i only shook

hands a couple of times.

That's all that happened.

That's right.

He never shook

hands with me.

Marge. Cold cream.

Don't change the subject.

But, it's Nympth cold cream.

I've been doing a survey.

You want a consumer's reaction?

There.

Oogums! Never... never!

I only cooked him

a couple of dinners.

Just dinners.

And a chocolate malted.

Gorging yourself, while i was

living on Metrecal, you monster!

Marge, you're getting

over-excited!

According to your campaign,

it's a superior product!

Oh, Marge, you're

losing status!

Oh, i'll status you!

Will somebody listen to me?

Please listen to me!

Hello! Anybody home?

Oh, Dr. Prokosch!

Will you do something?

Do something!

Make them stop, please!

Well, this seems

hardly possible.

I'm terribly sorry...

Feel its instant

cleansing action.

You guys stop. Oh, Marge,

you're falling

off the pedestal.

It is especially

beneficial for thick skins.

Marge, i warn you.

Don't knock the product.

This is the last straw. The day

of retribution has arrived.

Do i dare heed the call?

Do i dare?

You dare.

Quiet. Quiet. Silence.

You can just pack your things

and move into a hotel.

Silence, while the Spokeslady

is, uh, speaking.

My colleagues and i have

discussed the problem,

and have arrived at a democratic

and dignified solution.

We've desided we will throw

you one of the men!

Hmmm. But, you gotta

throw back the other two.

You can have him!

Me?

No one's giving

me away.

Oh, Toni, you'll

get over it.

Because Marge

and i were olives.

Cathy doesn't

want me, darling.

She doesn't?

What's the matter?

Isn't he good enouph for you?

Make a muscle.

Now, honey.

I don't want your men...

any of them!

Th...this was simply a...

a group expirement.

Well, let's scratch her eyes out,

as a group experiment.

I'll pick up this vase and

brake it over your head.

Smashing up the place

won't solve anything.

Let her hit me.

Don't butt in.

Hold it.

Thank you.

A photographer.

What a brilliant idea.

Why, Ernest Bohannan.

Mrs. Williams.

How do you manage

to stay so young?

Aw, that's a

professional secret.

You, sir, cringe a little

to the right, please.

That's it, get between.

That's evidence.

Let her alone,

homewrecker!

That's not a nice

way to put things.

Well, observe how

nicely i put this vase.

Give me back that vase!

It's imported!

You leave my friend alone!

Toni, don't!

Don't what?

Can we take that again?

I couldn't get that shot.

Repent! Repent!

Oh, Fred, do something.

Stop them.

You started it.

You stop them.

Do something!

Fred, do something!

Alright, i'll

do something!

Oh, Fred, what's

the matter with you!

Jezebel, what have

you done to my boy?

Me? Why does he have to act like

such an absolute beast? Ugh!

Well, how do you expect him

to act when he's in love?

- In love?

- What else?

Why did he smash your vase?

Wait! Where're

you going?

To catch Thursday,

and marry him!

Marry him? Are you

out of your mind?

Do you want to end up

like these people?

Yes. Exactly like them!

Fred. Wait! You've just got to

listen to me, please!

What's the point? I've got the

whole picture loud and clear.

No, but, you haven't. It's true,

I was going to use you.

But, I just couldn't

go through with it.

You were doing

pretty good!

Lobby. floor.

Watch your step, please.

I guess we ought to

go back up, again.

I guess so. But, it's a

lot nicer down here.

Lobby floor! This is

the lobby floor!

Seven, please.

Cathy, We'll never be

like them, will we?

Like them? Never in

a million years!

Well, fellows, are we going to

do anything tonight,

or do we catch the

early train home?

Hey, how about that new pub down

in the village?

I hear they got

some great Dixieland.

Aw, there's too much

smoke in those joints.

Come on, somebody,

make up our minds!

I thought we already decided

to go to the basketball game.

Right!

Why don't we just

stop talking and go!

Yes. Yes.

How about it? Have

we got a choice?

Here, you take

this, Howie,

and we'll split it 4

ways, like we do.

Uh-oh! Don't look now, but

you'd better keep talking.

What?

But darling, a girl can't make

a success on instinct, alone.

To understand a man,

takes a lifetime of study.

Isn't it amazing how much

post-graduate work goes on?