Boys' Night Out (1962) - full transcript

Time for another round
before the train?

Mm. Just about, but personally
I wouldn't know where to put it.

To tell you the truth,
neither would I.

Hey, Mr. Slattery.

The tab please.

Well, there goes another
Thursday night down the drain,

thanks to you hotshots.

We should have gone
bowling.

I said that
three hours ago.

Bowling. Bowling's the drag
of all time.

Why? It's a good, clean,
wholesome hobby.



That's what I mean.

I keeping tell you guys, we have
got to plan ahead

for these nights in town.

Or we'll always wind up
like this.

Well, what's to plan
we haven't had

up to here
six Thursdays ago?

Personally, I'm embarrassed
to tell Joanne

how nowhere these
nights out are.

Well, at least
it gets you jokers

out of the compound
one night a week.

That's the main object,
isn't it?

Mr. Slattery.. .

How come you don't
provide your steady customers

with more
glamorous dissipation?



If you're not satisfied beer,
buster, order champagne,

brandy,
cremme de menthe.

You name it, I got it.

Here's the rocker: 14.85,
including tax.

Start fumbling.

''Glamorous.''

Maybe we should have taken
the 9:15 home.

We could have saved ourselves
a couple of bucks.

Uh-uh. Fuzzy thinking, pal. Once
we take the early train,

they'll expect us home early
every Thursday.

And you guys couldn't afford
to set a dangerous precedent

like that...

Keep talking.

What's with you?

Keep talking, man.
Keep talking.

Hello, darling.
Hi, sweetie.

You look beautiful.

Have you been
waiting long?

No. You look
gorgeous.

Do we owe any money
at the bar?

You've been a good girl.

Alright, Freddie,
you can come out now.

He didn't see me, did he?

No, I'd say he had
other things on his mind.

Yeah, and I can tell you
what they are,

in, uh,
alphabetical order.

Who is that guy
anyway?

That was my boss.

So what? You weren't doing
anything wrong.

No, but he is.

Look, he's got himself this pad
over on the East Side now.

A home away from home.

Oh. How does he get away
with it?

Well, he set it up with
his wife out in Stamford

that there's a staff
meeting every Thursday night

that goes on to the wee,
small hours.

Since he has to be back
at his desk

bright-eyed and bushy-tailed
Friday morning. ..

You see, Fred: brains.

That's what makes
a successful executive:

brains and a good
night's sleep every Thursday.

That's why
you're working for him.

Now, that's what I call
a worthwhile hobby.

Beats running
to make the 11:35.

Beats walking
to make the 11:35.

It beats the 11:35.

Alright, men,
on your feet.

Unless you want to hitchhike
home to Connecticut.

Let's see who owes
what here.

George, how many beers
did you have?

No time for bookkeeping now,
Howie. You pick up the tab,

and we'll split it
four ways.

Oh, sure.

So the old rascal's got himself
a pad in town, eh?

With peach fuzz upholstery
and built-in moonlight.

A regular Shangri-la.

But with plumbing.

Accounting-wise, uh,

what do you think
the tab would come to

on a setup like that,
Howie?

The main trouble
is you can't put her

on any legitimate
deductible basis.

Food and drink, you could always
put on the swindle sheet.

And the rest you take out
of petty cash.

Well, let's see, huh?

Rent, on a halfway decent pad
stands you four fifty,

utilities, phone,

maid, part-time probably,
cleaning and laundry,

Social Security...

No, wait a minute.
No Social Security.

No withholding,
either.

Tips, incidentals, uh,
contingencies, depreciation...

Hm, roughly, 900
to 950 per month.

Tilt.

It can't be that much.

It breaks down to about
225 dollars per Thursday.

Any other questions?

Do you think
she was a natural redhead,

or was that a dye job?

It's hard to say.

Of course, I can always
ask the boss.

Ah, she probably
wasn't.

Wrong, uh,
skin texture.

No. You can't always
go by that.

There was this
fabulous redhead

I met on a boat
to New Orleans one time.

The first night out
there came this...

And we never did find
that other shoe.

Greenwich is the next stop.

The next station stop
is Greenwich.

Even cutting corners,
the smallest monthly overhead

you could get away with,
according to my figures,

is, uh, 610 dollars
and 48 cents.

That's a great deal
more like it.

Well, what's the,
uh, 48 cents for?

For the girl,
what else?

Boy, it looks
like the Indians were here.

Yeah, anybody got a car?

It was supposed
to be your turn.

I know, but Toni had
to take the kids. ..

Why didn't you say
something earlier?

We could have made
other arrangements.

Don't make a federal case
out of it.

We'll grab a cab a split
it four ways. Sure.

''Four ways.''

''Four ways.''

You know
something?

- I was just wondering...
- Yeah, I was too.

Howie, how would it come
to splitting it four ways.

Not much. A buck and a half
a piece. With the tip.

Not the cab, bird brain,
the pad.

You mean like a joint venture?
One pad for the four of us?

Sure. Yeah.

Hypothetically, of course.

And one hypothetical
blonde?

Just for the sake
of argument.

How much, Howie?

Are you guys bucking
for the snake pit?

Thirty-eight dollars and
16 cents per week per man,

figuring four weeks
to the month.

Say, that's not too steep,
is it, George?

Yeah, no steeper
than the mortgage payments

on your home.

Actually, it's a shade less,

figuring four and a half
weeks to the month.

Yeah, but still in all,
an outlay that size,

I'd probably
have to take up with my wife.

Wait a minute. Do you know
what I did forget?

Clothes.

Clothes? What clothes?

For the blonde.

Of course, I could estimate
on the basis

of Joanne's
clothes budget.

You'd have to spend
a lot more than that.

Nothing doing. I'm not dressing
her better than my wife.

Why not?

My conscience
would bother me.

Hi, darling!
Hi!

Who was an Egyptian Pharaoh,
the Sixth Dynasty,

known as
''The Unspeakable''?

Irving K. Snodgrass.

Oh, Georgie, don't you
know anything?

There are a number of things
I happen to know.

Whether I believe it or not,
of course there are, dear.

Hey, I got it!

Keptu-Karmak.
That's right.

K-E-P-T-U-

Aren't you even gonna ask me
if whether I...

had a good time tonight.
I certainly am.

Did you have a good time
tonight, dear?

...M-A-K.

Well, it started out alright,
then we...

Ended up in Slattery's trying
to figure out what to do.

Sort of. We couldn't
make up our minds...

Whether or not
to go bowling?

Where are you going, George?
To finish something.

Finish what? A
sentence!

Ah, Georgie. Come on.
Come on back.

Come to bed.

Why should I?

Because you're
an irresistible man.

And besides,
my feet are cold.

Don't skulk, son.
It makes you look silly.

Hi, doll. I just didn't want
to wake you.

Why, that's ridiculous. I'm wide
awake, as you can plainly see.

I made you a sandwich.
Come on in the kitchen.

Okay. I could use one.

What kind of a day
did you have today?

Miserable.

Well, why?

What happened?

The alumnae bulletin
came today,

and the rabbits got
into the flower garden again.

Oh, give it up,
Mom. It's a losing battle.

I don't like them, Fred. I
don't like them one little bit.

Well, you're not supposed
to like rabbits.

Unless you're
another rabbit.

Now, don't change
the subject, Frederick.

I'm talking about your Thursday
nights out with the boys.

Oh, come on, Mom.
They're old friends.

They ate all
my gladiolus shoots.

The boys?
No, silly. The rabbits!

And speaking of marriage...

What?

Marriage, dear.
Marriage.

Oh, yes, I tried it once,
remember?

The gears didn't mesh.
Oh, I know.

But since you insist upon
robbing yourself of sleep,

and undermining
your health,

it really ought
to be with girls.

At least, there'd be something
to show for it.

Like what?
Grandchildren!

According to the bulletin,

I'm practically the only one
in my class who hasn't got any.

And, I was voted ''The Girl Most
Likely to Succeed.''

Cut it out, Mom.

I'm too embarrassed to even
show my face at the reunions.

You wouldn't go, anyway.
You've always hated them.

That's true, but...

Oh, I do want to be
a grandmother, in the worst way!

In the worst way?

I'll see what I can do.

Now, don't be crude,
Frederick.

That's not what I meant.
And you know it.

Besides, a man your age
needs a wife.

As a famous philosopher
once wrote,

''If you could get milk
for a penny a quart,

you wouldn't keep a cow.''

No, not if all you
wanted was milk.

What else would
I want from a cow?

I don't know.
Companionship?

Eight o'clock.
Isn't that coffee ready yet?

You can't
hurry it, dear.

If a train can hurry me, I can
hurry a percolator. Hurry!

See.

You're so magical,
dear.

Mother, after school today,
do you think...?

Don't speak with your mouth
full, Stewart.

And sit up straight like
your sister.

Well-bred people
don't slouch at the table.

Anyway, could you pick me up
after school,

so I could go straight
to the Little League practice?

I suppose so.

That reminds me, Toni,
while you're out today,

could you drop into the hardware
store and pick me up

a 100 feet of lead-in wire
and and four heavy-duty hinges?

Well, what for,
dear?

I want to fix the TV antenna
and rehang the garage doors.

Surprise, dear.

The TV man was here yesterday,
and the handyman's coming today.

But I wanted to do it, myself.

I've been looking forward
to it all week.

Doug, now how would it look
to the neighbors

if they were to see you hanging
your own garage doors?

It would look like we were
living within our income.

Exactly.

Do-it-yourself is perfectly
acceptable as a hobby...

But not if it
saves you money.

Daddy interrupted you,
Mother.

Fink!

Doug, you must think
of appearances.

It's so important
to set a good example.

Yeah, I know. Oh, it's late.
I gotta go.

Goodbye.

Bye. Goodbye,
dear.

Goodbye, darling.
See you at the usual time.

Who's ready
for more buttered toast?

I am!
And pass the jelly!

And the peanut butter.

I-I'LL take the other slice!

I mean, could I?

Will power, darling.
Remember our diet.

Your diet,
sweetheart.

I'm not exactly
what you'd call fat.

That's unkind, Howard.

After all, I'm only doing it
for your sake.

The least you could do
is set me a good example.

I'm putting your lunch box
next to your books.

Okay, honey, but if I die
of malnutrition,

you'll know
who's to blame.

You won't.
My physiology book says life

can be adequately sustained
on 900 calories a day.

For older,
sedentary people.

Uh-uh, Daddy,
no cheating!

It may interest you to know
that your sedentary old man

gets dizzy spells
every afternoon.

When that happens,
you should sit

with your head
between your knees.

What for?

It makes the blood rush
to your head.

So does a good punch
in the nose.

Howard! Not in front
of the children.

Where do you get
all this inside information?

I read a lot, Daddy.
You know, books.

He's just like you used
to be, dear,

A, A, A
in every subject.

I still could be, if I wasn't
starved all the time.

Fat around here!
Tsk, tsk, tsk.

So long, honey! So long,
dear.

Bye, Pop.
Have a nice day.

Never trust a kid
who gets straight As.

That does it,
and the rest are mine.

Of all
the bonehead leads.

I'm sorry, partner.
I'm just not with it today.

Small slam,
game and rubber.

Nothing like having a cousin
in the enemy camp, huh?

I don't
understand it.

I don't, either.
You lead right into his run

of clubs on the board.

Would you look
at that miserable sunshine?

What kind of an excuse
is that?

What'd you do, Mr. Weatherman?
Predict a rainstorm for today?

Don't needle me.

That warm air mass was supposed
be here two hours ago.

That does it!

I'm not gonna play with a guy
who's sitting around waiting

for a warm air mass.

Okay. Then I'll catch up
on my studies.

I'm on the Hundred
Best Books.

Play-Mate!

Now, you've gotta
respect a man

who's trying to improve
his mind.

I know you won't believe
this, fellas,

but I confiscated this
from my son's lunch box.

I believe it.
Some kids'll eat anything.

Hey, look at this.

''Ten Things Every Ideal
Bachelor Pad Should Have.''

Hey, Fred, I wonder
if your boss read this?

Only ten?
Oh!

Well, uh, number
one we ain't got.

Without Number One,
who needs the other nine?

I don't know. The barometer
went down this morning,

so where's
the low-pressure area?

In your head,
leading a club.

Right over there.
That's where the first clouds...

Shop talk, shop talk. Keep
your mind on important things.

Let me see that.
Ah, come on.

Now.. .

How much rent did you figure
for that

low-budget, economy-size
''love nest'' of yours?

Two hundred
a month tops.

And all you need
is a furnished layout

with two bedrooms, two baths,
glass enclosed showers,

den, bar, terrace,
stereophonic hi-fi, dinette

and indirect lighting,
all for 200 a month?

Lots of luck.

Two hundred a month!

Well, he is right,
of course.

Well, what pleasure can a guy
get out of just being right?

You could learn to hate
a guy like that.

It's not his fault
you can't get a set up

like that
for two hundred dollars.

We ought to look anyway.

We'd just be wasting
our time.

Not necessarily.

What if we waste
Fred's time?

Yeah. It would serve
him right.

For what?
For being so damn right.

Right? Right. Here he is.

Look sharp. I don't
get it.

You will. Just pick up
your cues.

No, I agree,
absolutely, men.

But after we find the pad,
whose name do we put it in?

Hello.

Stop showing off
your teeth.

Who do think you are,
Kirk Douglas?

Of course, George, why didn't
we think of it sooner?

A single man.

Fred's the answer.
He'll do it.

Fred'll do what? Sign
the lease.

Boys, we're in business!

So long, fellas.
It's been a real blast.

Uh, Fred, wait, wait.

Look at it
from the human angle.

If it ever hit the fan and one
of our names was on the lease,

how do you think it
would look?

Terrible.

Exactly. You it
can't hurt.

Fred, it's not
as though we're asking you

to get us a place
that fills all ten requirements.

You can skip
Number One.

All we want you to do
is get us the pad.

No, thanks. I know plenty
of girls who've got their own.

Fred, you're
being selfish.

If you won't do it, we have
to blow the whole deal.

Why do I have to be
the beard for you guys?

Beards are getting
more popular every day.

Uh, I-I'll be standing there
like a sitting duck.

Fred, what are
old friends for?

Yeah? Yeah?

Yeah.

Boys, plural?

You mean, like a quail trap?

On a co-op basis?

Sort of.

Bad scene.

That kind of set up
has wrecked more friendships...

And not to mention
marriages.

I'd hate to have
that on my conscience.

Then, skip it. Tell them you
couldn't find anything.

End of problem.

Welsh on my promise?

I'd hate to have
that on my conscience.

Nothing personal, Fred,

but a fella could get very sick
from a conscience like yours.

Wait a minute.

Your pals probably want a real
plush-type hideaway, right?

Good location, terrace, view,
things like that?

Ten things like that.

And I suppose they want to
pay two fifty, 300 a month?

Less. More like two.

Even better.
You're a cinch, Fred.

All you've got to do
is answer one ad,

let the renting agent laugh
in your face

and you can
put your conscience back

in the deep freeze.

I really won't be able
to find anything?

With those numbers?
Not a chance.

Now, let's pick out some nice
likely looking item

that'll get
you off the hook.

Here.
Where are we? Apartments.

The door's open. Come in.

Hello, there.
Yeah.

Uh, I'm Fred Williams.

I talked to you earlier
on the phone.

Oh, Fred Williams.
Yeah.

Come in. Here, let me get this,
take your things.

There we are.

My boy, you are about
to see a corner of paradise.

You're a lucky fella.

Usually a man has to die to get
into a set up like this.

Yeah, I know, but I'm not
prepared to go that high.

Just give me the hard lines
and let me go home. How much?

Well, it's a fruity Garden
of Eden, completely furnished,

is worth at least six
or seven hundred a month. Right?

Right. Thank you
and goodbye.

Oh, you're not leavin',
are you, Fred?

Yeah. I-I just hate to waste
your time Mr. Bowers.

No, it's Pete,
Freddy-boy.

Come on, let's have
a little blast.

Look, Pete. A little
drink then...

Look, 600 dollars is absolutely
out of the question.

So haggle a little, Fred,
haggle.

Why, this bar doesn't
even have a, a wine rack.

Do you think we built
this for peasants?

Fred, I would die
before I let any of my tenants

stack his wines vertically.

Now, how much more gracious can
you get for 500 dollars a month?

Here's the lease.
Just sign right here.

Goodbye again, Pete. Oh,
you are rough, aren't you?

What do you want?
A month's concession?

You're only getting a short-
term deal, you know?

Uh, uh, Pete, you're still way
over my head.

Well, exactly how high
is your head, in round numbers?

Fred I'm ashamed
to tell you.

You can't do business
if you're ashamed.

You got to fight me tooth
and nail.

Why? I can't win.

I'm very big
in the Lost Column.

Frankly, Pete, I can't even
afford the chandelier...

Sh.
Ha, ha, ha.

Yeah. Uh, just let me
show you, my boy,

what you, uh, think
you can't afford.

His and hers.

Mm?

Mm-mm.

Uh, what would you think
if I said 400?

I think you're still out
of talking distance.

Well, you sure kick a man
when he's down, don't you?

No, I don't mean
to kick.

I-I just want
to go home, Pete

But, Fred, boy,
you are home.

This is where
your roots are!

Let your Uncle Petey
prove it, huh?

Stack the wine.

The Mississippi
is the mother of rivers.

That's the
Midwest mother.

This is the
East Coast mother.

You take the apartment,
and we'll throw mother in!

For 350 dollars
a month?

Uh, uh, yeah, we'd better get
back inside!

Now, sit down
over there.

And shut your eyes.

Close them!

Controls for every room.
You know what I mean?

Now.. .

Here's the pen.
Use your right hand!

This is the lease!

Life is short! We only go around
once. I'm busy. Now, sign it!

Uh, let's face the facts,
300 dollars

is just more
than I can afford.

Mother warned me
there'd be days like this.

I know you. You're the boy
who was reared by the wolves.

Where's your
brother Romulus?

Can you run
on all fours?

Go ahead and seize me
by the throat! Devour me!

I didn't mean to upset you,
Pete.

Well, name a figure!

Two hundred dollars. Two
hundred dollars?

What are you?
Some kind of a nut?

Why are you trying to give
this place away for two bills?

You don't know?

Know what?

He doesn't know.
He doesn't know!

He beats me down to 200 dollars,
and he doesn't even know.

Give me back the papers,
and forget the whole thing.

Wait a minute.
What's your hurry?

You won't want
the place

when you find out
why you're getting a deal.

Why? What's the hook?

Does the name Orchid O'Hara
mean anything to you?

Orchid O'Hara?

The girl that...

You mean,
in this apartment?

Right there.

Twenty-three times.

The blood...
Yeah,

I read about it
in the papers.

Poor kid. Creepy.

Now, give me back
the papers

before we both do we something
we'll be sorry for.

Nothing doing.
A deal's a deal.

That's all I need.

Yeah, you and me both.

Well, there's another weekend
up the crick.

No, Miss Proctor,
no, don't take that down.

Now, where was I?

''Motivation-wise, your Nymph
Perfume attack...''

...is way off target.

You've got to make
every woman feel

that unless she uses Nymph
perfume, she's a pig. Period.

Next paragraph.

Yes?

Fred Williams? Alright,
I'll talk to him.

Fred, pal, I'm just up
to here with work.

Can't it wait for Slattery's
this evening or the train?

Meet you where?

Sure, I've got a pencil.

Mm-hm.

All the requirements
listed in Play-Mate, huh?

Including item Number One?

The blonde?
Oh nothing doing, pal.

That's your department.

My friend,
you're being unreasonable.

Unreasonable, my foot.

How would I go about
getting a girl like that?

How should I know?
Look in the yellow pages.

Place an ad in The Times.

That's a marvelous suggestion,
Mr. Drayton.

I got my job through an ad
in The Times.

Yes, I know.

Well, you've got dimes,
haven't you?

You phone The Times.

Phrase it anyway you like.

Advertising's your racket,
not mine.

You phone all the guys,
and meet me here at 5:30.

Goodbye.

Stupid jerk.

As though that kind of girl
even reads The New York Times.

I don't know what's tougher,
trying to fight your way

into that bar car,
or out of it!

What'd you get
the fourth drink for?

The little man
who wasn't there?

Force of habit, I guess. Maybe
he'll get on at 125th Street.

What would he be doing up
in this part of town?

Checking the rainfall?

Hey, maybe he's chasing
that pail of steam

we sent him
for this morning.

Oh, you don't actually believe
he fell for that gag, do you?

Oh,
of course not.

This afternoon, he even tried
to turn the rib on me.

Oh, he put on a great act
on the phone.

Like, how do you mean?

Like making me
write down the address,

so we could all meet
there tonight.

What address?

Who remembers? Something-or-
other East End Avenue.

I wrote it down here,
somewhere.

One Hundred and
Twenty-Fifth Street Station.

Are you sure
he was putting you on?

Oh, come off it.

He could no more
get a place like that

than he could fly
to the moon.

You know something?
Today a man can fly to the moon.

Chickened out.
That's what they did. Mm.

No wine rack.

How do you like guys
like that?

Don't get yourself
in an uproar, pal.

They'll be here.

If there's one thing I hate,

it's guys who chippen
when the chicks are down.

That's a pretty fat tongue
you've got there, bud.

You got a ringing in the ears?

Probably comes from drinking
tea many martoonis.

What do you mean, ''tea many''?

I had exactly through...
Three.

Alright, you guys.

Keep your shirts on.

Alright.

I'm coming.

Keep your shirts...

I came about your ad
in The Times.

So quick?

Quick?

Well, I mean,
how's it possible?

This is Apartment Seven B,
isn't it?

Seven B.
Y-Yes, it's Seven B alright.

Well, may I come in
and look around?

Oh, of course.
Please do.

Do you always stare
at people like that?

Ah. Uh, oh, oh, you'll have
to excuse me.

I'm just a little
mixed up.

Mm.

Y-Y-You see, I was, I was
expecting somebody else.

Oh, to see
the apartment?

Oh, well, y-yeah. You see,
they should've been here by now.

I suppose I should have phoned
for an appointment.

Oh, not at all, I'm delighted
you could drop in.

That wouldn't be tomorrow's
paper by any chance?

I beg your pardon.

Well, I thought maybe
the early edition?

How much have you had
to drink?

Well, what thinks you
make I've been...?

Well as a matter of fact...

Won't you join me?

No, thank you.

I think I'd better run along.
But you just got here.

I thought you wanted
to look around.

That won't be necessary.

The place is obviously
terribly expensive.

Oh, but it isn't.
It's ridiculously cheap.

T-T-That's why
I grabbed it so fast.

Well, certainly not.

Well then, why didn't you come
right out with it and tell me?

Oh. You mean that's why
you came here?

I-I distinctly said that
I came in answer to your ad.

Oh, well, I-I thought
you meant my ad.

Uh, uh.
George's ad.

He put one in too.

Where is it?
Show me?

Well, it, it's not
in today's paper.

Yesterday's?

Tomorrow's.

And you thought
I answered it today?

Ha. Well, I told you
I was mixed up.

Uh-huh.

I answer the doorbell,
and there you are.

You're blonde
and twenty-fivish, attractive.

Just what exactly were you
advertising for?

A blonde, attractive...

Well, a companion.

''A companion''?

For yourself?

Me?
No, no, no. No.

It's for, for George.

Oh?
Well, George is old and sickly.

Just one of the boys.

''Boys''?

Are there more
than just one?

In manner of speaking,
yes.

Two?

Almost.

What's almost two?

Three.

There's Doug and George
and Howie.

And you.
That makes four.

Me? Oh, no.

No, I'm not part of this deal.

What are you,
the house mother?

No, no, this sort of thing
isn't for me.

I'm not married.

You're not?

Any more.

What happened?

Well, we didn't like
each other.

Then, why did you get married?

How could we tell we didn't like
each other until we got married?

And the others?
They are married?

Yes. Oh, oh, but don't get
the wrong impression.

You're expecting them
here now?

Oh, well, there was some talk
about it on the phone.

Do you think the wheel chairs
will fit through the door?

Uh. Well, no, no,
seriously,

they're, they're wonderful
fellows.

Real aces.

Four aces chasing
one queen.

This I really gotta see.

You sure he said
''East End Avenue''?

Positive.
I wrote it down.

Ninety-eight
East End Avenue.

Right in the heart
of the French Poodle Belt.

That's one of the highest
rental areas in the country.

Look, Howie, if you haven't got
anything constructive to say,

don't say it.
Okay,

then you think of something
constructive to say.

And don't say it! Oh, why
don't you two relax?

The whole thing's probably
a gag anyway.

What's he being
so nasty about?

Never mind. I-I'll
give you seven to five

that Fred's
on a train home right now,

having the laugh
of his life.

W-Well, you know how it is.

C-Commuting over two hours
a day five days a week.

Well, you, you, you'd be
surprised how much that rat race

takes out of a man.

So the fellas got the idea that,
if, uh, you know,

it'd cut down on the ulcers
if they kicked in

to share a place in town,
that's all.

And the companion? The
companion?

This blonde, twenty-fivish thing
you advertised for.

Oh, the, the companion.

Well, actually, they really mean
something more like a. ..

uh, a housekeeper.

For blonde housework?

Say, the rain's let up.

Are you trying to get rid
of me?

Me? No, no, no.

It's just that I, I sort
of hate to take up your time.

Oh, well, I have lots
of time.

Does your offer
of that drink still hold?

Oh, sure, sure.

Oh, wo-wo-would you care
to look around?

Uh-huh.

The, uh, bucket's
practically empty.

I'd better get some more ice.

Do you need any help? No,
thanks.

You, you know, actually,

I'm not going to wait around
for the much longer.

Mm. Neither am I.

''Much longer.''

You're, you're not waiting
around to see them?

Oh, well, it, it isn't
every day a girl gets a chance

to meet men
who know how to share.

I mean really share.

Well, aren't you going
to answer it?

Or shall I?

No. No.
You, you wait here.

I'll answer it.

Now listen, fellas...

So he's on a train home,
is he?

Men, we're bankrupt. Would
you guys settle down...?

Oh, Fred, why didn't you
just take a gun and shoot us.

I mean that sincerely.

That would be the open
and honest thing to do.

All we wanna hear from you
is how much we're stuck for.

Two hundred a month. What's the
point in looking at it tonight?

Why don't we all
catch the 8:02?

We can come back tomorrow
when it's bright and early.

Wait. Did you say, ''Two
hundred a month''?

That's right.

But listen to me!

You did it.
I don't believe it.

He did it!

Fred, you're
the living end.

I don't believe it.
He did it.

Where's the kitchen? I gotta
look at the kitchen.

Uh, wait. Oh, come
off it, Howie.

First things first.
What? What?

The mattress works,
man.

We've gotta have a look
at the mattress works.

Two hundred a month.

Boys, look at...
Yahoo!

Ooh. It's almost like
foam rubber.

Foam rubber? Yeah.

When you push it,
it pushes back.

Ooh. It sort of makes you
feel wanted.

Hi!

Hey, guys. Hi,
George.

Come on.
Keep your voices down.

Why? What for?

Well, you don't yell
in a layout like this.

You whisper.
It's more refined.

Personally, in a layout
like this, I yell.

Yee-how!

Yee-how!
Yahoo!

Hey, fellas. Come here.
Get a load of this.

This place makes me feel
so completely uncensored.

I'm gonna buy me a tub
of perfume.

Nymph perfume.
That's right,

Nymph perfume. And I'm gonna
atomize the joint.

Will you please keep
your voices down!

The girls are gonna get a real
boot out of this place.

The who?

Your wives.

It's gonna be great for them.

Uh, a place to freshen up
when you come in to the theater.

Or they, they can take a cat nap
when they come in to shop.

What?

Fuzzy thinking, Fred. You've got
to watch that fuzzy thinking.

Right, Doug? Right.

You know, there's a place
where they send fuzzy thinkers.

Now, you don't want to go to
the fuzzy place, do you, Fred?

Come on, lay off him,
fellas.

Let's admit it. It took
a genius to find this place.

Right! Now, we've got to put
that genius to work

on one more little job.

Right.
Our companion.

Oh, oh come on, fellas.
Now, let's not go into

the details right now,
huh?

Just a small detail,
Fred.

One warm, delectable,
luscious, juicy blonde.

Hello, boys.

I'm Cathy.

When would you like me
to begin?

Mm, mm, mm.

Why don't you zombies
come back to earth?

Oh, I don't wanna come down
too fast.

I-I-I'm liable
to get the bends.

Look at me, an accountant
with a secret life.

I don't even know
if it's spelled with a C or a K.

Accountant?

No, dummy.
Cathy.

Hey, you know something?
She never even discussed money.

Yeah.
I don't like that.

It's, uh, it's not natural.

What's so ''not natural''
about it?

Oh, uh, a thing like that ought
to be, uh, settled first.

Just so there's, uh,
no kick back later on.

Maybe she
doesn't care about money.

Maybe she likes us.

I must say, she showed
an awful lot of interest in me.

In you? What about me?

like we were buddies
from way back when.

Yeah. Me too.

Yeah. Yes.

When, when she said she wanted
to get to know us,

I felt that
she really meant it.

I'm still worried
about the money.

W-We're likeable,
but, uh, not that likeable.

No, Doug, no. No, it's not
always a question of money.

It's a question
of attitude.

What does life
have to offer?

Different people look
for different values.

There are any number
of countries, for example,

where the

...primarily
for their health.

Oh, yes, Dr. Prokosch,
it's exactly what I need.

Mm-hmm, four men.

Jealous?

Oh, well, really, doctor.
That's not my problem.

Look, guys,
let's be practical.

There are certain.. .

organizational matters
to take up.

Meaning what?

We've got a lot of. . .
wires here.

Let's see if
we can't figure out a way

to keep them
from getting crossed.

Yeah, that is
a problem.

Well, now, who can stay in town
on Monday nights?

I can! I can!

Look, fellas,
let's be fair.

We all owe a great debt
of gratitude to Fred.

''Little League''?

This is Big League stuff,
baby.

Night games.

I-I have to show.

It's my only community
activity, besides drinking.

Okay. We'll straighten
that out later.

Right now, we've got
more immediate problems.

Such as?
Such as,

why we're breaking up
the night out. Right.

That'll explain all of us.

Now, we need one more good story
that'll explain each of us.

Right.
Uh-huh.

Not ''one good story.''
Four different stories.

Right.

Not four.
Three.

Okay, three.

Fellas, it strikes me

that we should get back
to the original problem.

It just struck me suddenly
that the boys don't offer me

any intellectual...
Stimulation?

I was wondering when
you were going to realize that.

Besides, there's something
positively...

Drab.
...Yes.

About an organized
Thursday night.

So, you'll be coming home every
night now, mm?

Well, not every night,
I've signed up for a seminar

on creative copywriting at the
New School for Social Research.

Oh? What night?

Monday.

Foreign words allowed?

Sure. There.

Mentiroso.

Mentiroso?
What's that?

Mm-mm.

Very good.

No, it's true.

They just don't give me any. . .
intellectual stimulation.

Of course not, dear.

What'll you do in town all
by yourself?

Well, the boss thought I ought
to sign up for a course

in Creative Investment

Ah, I'm sorry it's not Monday.

Me too.

Refill?

Please, dear.

How much is this, uh, Creative
Investment going to cost?

Oh, about,
uh, 38 dollars.

A week, if Fred chips in.

And even Fred. The fellas
just didn't give me any. . .

intellectual stimulation.

I could have told
you that.

So I signed up for a course
in Creative Accounting

at the New
School for Social Research.

''Creative Accounting''?

Yeah. So, uh, I'll be staying in
town alone on Wednesday nights.

Howie, don't just
stand there.

Take that water pistol away
from Joey.

Okay.
Let's have that rod, Petrelli.

Howard, must you make all
gangsters Italian?

That's Cagney.
He's not Italian.

What's for dessert,
Mom?

Chocolate-covered
creampuffs, dear.

Great! For the children.

Yogurt for us.
Be ready in five minutes.

Yogurt again.

Hey, Pop,

is that why you're staying
in town on Wednesday night?

To get yourself a cream puff?

Well.

What do you think?

What do I think? Mm-mm.

I think it's insane.

Cathy, idiot.

How did you get yourself
in such a situation?

Just lucky, I guess.
Please.

With my students
I make jokes.

With the professor
students don't make jokes,

especially when I'm angry.

But, Dr. Prokosch,
you're not being scientific.

You're being emotional.

I'm outraged.
I'm furious.

I'm not being emotional.
Emotional is when you cry.

Sorry, Dr. Prokosch.
More coffee?

No. Me, you won't twist
around your finger.

Not with coffee,
not with smiles.

Not with tears.

You'll have to use logic.

Alright. Logic.

Here is a whole semester's work.

Two hundred questionnaires on
the adolescent sexual fantasies

of the adult suburban male.

And they're all useless.

''Useless''?

How can you write a thesis
without facts?

Facts?

This, doctor, is fiction.

When it comes to sex, men don't
even tell themselves the truth.

And you expect them
to tell me?

Two hundred of the greatest
lovers in the world.

And they all live
in Scarsdale.

So, how do you
get the facts?

Like any other scientist.
In the laboratory, here.

You call this love nest
the scientific laboratory?

Your book on the social
adaptability of the chimpanzee,

was that scientific?

Well, of course.
A remarkable work.

Of course. Of course!

And how did you do
your research?

Did you interview
a thousand chimpanzees?

No, but...
No, you worked

with four chimpanzees.

You ate with them.

But, with the chimpanzees
I was safe.

I'll be safe,
believe me.

But how can you be sure?
No, no, no.

No, Cathy. No, no, no.

But it isn't. It really isn't.
I've met these men.

In a half hour, I learned
their whole life histories.

Whether wide-eyed kids

or dreamed of being locked
in a candy store.

And eating their way out.

Scientifically speaking,
a love nest is not a candy bar.

Every book, every magazine,
every ad, every movie they see,

it's like...

Well, they forget that sex is
just one small aspect of life.

Two point six percent.

The whole thing is a,
a fantasy.

Why, they don't really want
this adventure.

They've been sold that
they're supposed to want it.

Then how do you explain
the population explosion?

I am not talking about
what happens to them at home.

To them, I'm just a...

...a status symbol.

Like a sports car.

And my thesis deals with...

Oh, excuse me, doctor.

Hello?

Who?

Fred Williams?

Oh, Fred Williams.
I'm sorry.

I, uh, didn't expect to hear
from you so soon.

Well, yes, I'll be alone,
but, uh, I am rather tired.

Oh, well, if you're
in the neighborhood.

Alright, Fred.

Till later.

So, it begins.

It begins.

No, Cathy, no.
It won't work.

You're a student, a sociologist,
not a, a courtesan.

Don't you think
I can be attractive enough?

That's not the problem.
The opposite.

Can you look like
''yes'' and act like ''no''?

Can you entice them, lure them,
then postpone, evade, delay?

It needs a special kind
of experience and skill.

This a nice girl
hasn't learned.

No?

This is what a nice girl
has learned best!

It's all roses, now.

It's not too bad.

It's all roses now, but. ..

how long before you,
you sit alone and rejected,

taking refuge
in your fifth of gin?

Sit down, Fred.

I'm getting all worn out
just watching you.

I didn't come here
to sit.

Maybe you'd like
to, uh, stretch out.

Well, I'm stretched out
right now.

Vertically.

Do you know where all
of this is going to lead?

You're going to end up in some
dingy, third-rate hotel room

trying to squeeze some comfort
out of a bottle.

Please, Cathy,
there's still time.

Pack your things,
and get out of this place.

But why?
I'm comfortable.

The apartment is lovely,
and the boys are all aces.

Facts are facts,
Cathy!

Without a home and family,
what is there...?

Fred. ...in
life?

Did anyone ever tell you,
you talk too much?

It's all roses, now,
Cathy.

Mm.
Isn't it?

Yeah, I-I came here
to keep you from this.

Mm. And, from...this?

Yes. And this.

Anything else you want
to keep me from?

Yes.

This.

Fred?

Hm?

Do you believe in fair
employment practices?

Do you have to know
this minute?

Oh, please. Do
you?

Oh, yes. I do.

Then, I do too.

Oh, you and I shouldn't be
doing this now, Fred.

That's true.

It is Sunday.

Yeah, me too.

And everybody
deserves a day.. .off!

I wasn't even supposed to move
in until tomorrow.

But, but, Cathy.

And, you do want to be fair,
don't you, Fred?

Be fair?
Oh, sure.

Sure! Yes.

Well, I only came over today,
because...

You understand,
don't you, Cathy?

Uh, I certainly do!

It was nice of you to give up
your Sunday.

Oh, yeah.

Will I see you tomorrow?

No. George
is tomorrow.

Tuesday?

Tuesday is Doug.

Which is your day, Fred?

Mine?
I don't have a day.

Which day
don't you have?

Thursday!

That's nice.

Thursday will be here
before you know it.

Yeah.

Right after Monday, Tuesday
and...Wednesday.

What do you think
about the knot, Howie?

A little too large.

Large knots are tacky,
George,

Ah, George, George.
Put your arm out.

Yeah, the other
arm too.

Oh, you're showing
a little too much cuff!

There. Now, you'll
be alright,

as long as you don't move.

What do you think, Fred?

How do I look to you?

There's a little tattletale
gray in your cheeks.

Don't try to shake
my confidence.

Remember, men, I'm sort of...
I'm an ambassador tonight.

In a sense,
I represent all of us.

Well, how about another round,
Mr. Ambassador?

No, thanks. You gentlemen just
go ahead and drown your envy.

I'll run along
and present my credentials.

Hm. In twenty minutes,
he'll be saying ''Hello, Cathy!''

It's 5:48 now.

Well, you've got
to give them some time

for drinks
and then dinner and, uh. . .

What'll you
be doing at 9:30?

Watching television,
with tears in my eyes.

Me?

I'll be weeping
at another network.

One, two, three, four.
Testing. Testing!

It's not the same man
as yesterday.

Why don't you put up a time
clock and make them sign in?

Well, then,
maybe you don't care

what happens to property
values, but I do!

Look how guilty
he's acting!

It's even worse
than when Orchid lived there.

George?

Hello, you.

Mm, hi.

Champagne, my dear.

Is it in order? Mm.

Champagne is always
in order.

The chill
is still on it.

Shall we have
some now?

Hm. I'll get
the glasses.

Allow me.

Oh, no.
You just relax.

Uh-mm.

The music.
It seems to go with you.

I mean that sincerely.

It goes with us.

Mm. I'd love it.

Isn't it wonderful, having
the whole evening ahead of us?

The whole evening
until about 11.

Oh?

The last decent train home
is 11:35.

Ah, well, still
gives us lots of time.

You have such
a lovely shoulder, Cathy.

Mm?
Oh.

I mean that sincerely.

You ever been told that?
That you have a lovely neck?

Oh, this old thing?
I've had it for years.

Wonderful,
a fabulous nape.

Ever since I was
a little kid,

I've been kinda funny
for neck napes.

George, you must have been
a, a fascinating child.

comme ci comme ca.

Oh, no, no, no.
I'm sure you were.

Why don't you tell me
a little something. . .

about your childhood?

Well, I, um. . .

I didn't exactly come here
to talk, Cathy.

Oh, but I know that, but
everything will be so much nicer

when we. ..really get
to know each other.

''I mean that sincerely.''

Well, I won't bother you with a
lot of needless details, Cathy.

Let's just say
that I was born...

on a Tuesday
at 3:25 p.m.

in the bedroom of a two-story,
wooden frame house

in Teaneck, New Jersey.

The date, the date
was March 7th, 1927.

I knew that was going
to happen.

Yeah.
So did I.

This was my first job.

My first job!

Well, the boss figured
I was just a kid

and I wouldn't know
which end was...

that's fine, thanks
...up!

But when I found out
that he expected a kickback

on my commissions. .. Mm.

My commissions!

I told him a thing or two!

I said, ''Look, I may be
just a kid,

but nobody, I mean nobody,
pushes me around!''

From that time on...

he was in the palm of my hand.

I could have had anything
I wanted from him.

And you know why?

Because even though...

Sorry, Cathy,
I've only got fifteen minutes

to catch the 11:35.

Oh, it's a shame.

I could listen to you talk
all night long.

Say, about that, Cathy.
Huh?

Wrong idea?

Yeah, if they knew
all I did was

that I didn't...

Yes, George?

That all I did was talk!

Oh, that's something
that no one will ever know,

except you and me.

Hm-mm.

Will you stop yawning?
It's repulsive.

Get off
his back, Fred.

The boy had a big night.

Right, George?
Hmmm-hmmm.

Was it, really?

Well, hmmm.

Anything you wanna tell me,
you think I ought to know?

At your age?

Don't be ridiculous.

Come on, guys.
You gonna play bridge?

Hey,
what's eating you today?

You know something?

I don't think that Fred
exactly loves me this morning.

As a matter of fact,
I hate you this morning.

You hated
George yesterday.

Today, it's Doug.

You gonna hate me
tomorrow?

I'm getting
an early start.

I hate you now.

I knew three brothers,
once,

who were dating
the same girl.

Until that time,
they were the most devoted,

wonderful group of guys
you'd ever want to know.

The oldest one was
the best looking.

But, the younger one was. ..

. . .into an early grave.

What a terrible way
to go!

Hello, Cathy.

Hi.

For you.

Oh, mm.

They're lovely, Doug.

I tried to get flowers
appropriate to the occasion.

Here let me put one
in your hair.

Oh, no.

No, here's where
it belongs.

There. Now,
how about some music?

Which would you like,

''The Love Death'' from Tristan,

or the Romeo and Juliet
overture?

Play the ''Love Death.''

I'm in a love death mood.

Uh-huh.
I know what you mean.

Oh!

Wouldn't you know it?

And I bought those records
just for tonight.

Let me have a look.

Maybe I can fix it.

Oh, could you,
Doug?

Well, that would
be wonderful.

Just leave it
to me.

All fixed.

Marvelous, Doug.

Sounds great, doesn't it?

Doug, you're wonderful.

Do you know anything
about garbage disposals?

Garbage disposals?

Hi, Howard!

Sweets to the sweet!

Hmmm-hmmm.
Thank you.

That's the gooey
assortment.

Do you dig goo?

I dig it the most.

Yeah? Me too.

I hope you'll forgive
the way I'm dressed.

I think you look
wonderful.

Something came over me today
and I just had to cook!

Cook?!
Uh-huh.

You don't mind if we eat
in tonight?

Mind? Not at all.

You made all this
yourself? Uh-huh.

I love to cook!

Sometimes I even dream
about food. Do you?

Often! It can be
pretty frightening.

Once in a dream
I murdered my boy, Joey,

over some
peanut brittle.

You shouldn't let dreams
frighten you.

Rotten kid!
He wanted the whole piece.

My! That is the most beautiful
thing I've ever seen!

Flatterer!

I- I'm not dreaming now,
am I?

This is real,
isn't it?

I mean really real?

Why don't you pinch it
and see?

Hm.

It's 10:40 already.

The night certainly
went by quickly.

I was just wondering, Cathy,
if you and I, if we...

Yes, Howard?

If we hurried, Cathy,

do you think we'd still have
time for a chocolate malted?

A chocolate malted?

Was I right
about the suburban male?

Careful! Careful!

You are making dangerous
generalizations.

Four men prove nothing.

A chocolate malted?

Four men or four thousand,
doctor,

the pattern's always
the same.

Trust me.

You I trust.

I don't trust Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday and Thursday.

You've heard those tapes.

What could possibly
happen?

One fine day, young lady,
Monday will come on Monday,

and so will Tuesday.

I doubt it.

I didn't hear Thursday
on that tape machine.

Thursday records tonight.

What is he like,
this Thursday?

Oh, like the others.

A little bigger.
Maybe a little handsomer.

Eyes?

Brown.

Hair?

Black.

Distinguishing marks?

Cute little mole
under the left ear.

Tell me, Cathy,

what color are Wednesday's eyes?

Wednesday's eyes are. . .

Well, what difference does
that make?

Oh?

Wednesday was there
on Wednesday.

Thursday was there
last Sunday.

Yet, you remember
last Sunday's Thursday

better than yesterday's
Wednesday.

Interesting, no?

Roll you for the tab,
Mr. Slattery?

Why not?

Say, you look like the guy
who just missed the last ferry

out of Devil's Island.

What's the matter?
No date?

Oh, I've got a date,
alright,

but every time I look
at her,

all I see is trouble.

Close your eyes.
What?

Close your eyes
and anything goes away.

Not three guys I know.

They won't go away.

Oh?

Three five.

So you don't have
a clear track?

Clear track?

I'm practically in
the Grand Central Switchyard.

I'm fresh out of crying towels,
Mr. Williams.

You lose.

I'm not getting much sympathy
around here tonight.

Sympathy won't get you
any place.

What you've gotta do is try
and throw a switch or two.

Maybe I'll do just that,
Mr. Slattery.

As my sainted mother
used to say,

''If you can't lick 'em,
join 'em.''

Hello, Fred.
Hi, Cathy.

For a while, I thought
I was being stood up.

And that hasn't happened
to me since high school.

That figures.

I made some martinis.

Would you like one?

No, thanks.

We're going to vary
the routine tonight.

The routine?

All the preliminaries,
the small talk,

the drinks, you know.

Sit down, Fred.

Tell me, what's been happening
since the last time I saw you?

Well, why waste time?

Waste?

Oh, of course.

I'm sorry the evening's
gonna be so short.

Short?

Who said it?

You do have to catch the 11:35,
don't you?

Why?

Aren't there any beds
in this place?

Appalling.

I can't look.
I just can't look.

Force yourself.

Fred Williams, you stop that
this instant.

Why? Did you quit
your job?

Don't you dare talk
to me like that!

Like what?

Do you think that you can just
charge in here

and throw your weight around

without so much as saying
good evening?

Good evening.

Oh!

Good night!

It wasn't even
our anniversary!

George too?

That's funny!

On Wednesday, Doug told me
he loved me.

Without the slightest
provocation!

How are things at your house,
Joanne?

Oh, all
sweetness and light.

On Thursday, Howie took me
in his arms and called me

Oogums.

Ugh!

Who the devil is that?

Ethel!

What in the world
are you doing here?

When I was
in college,

I had a boyfriend
from Sweden,

and a Swedish massage
always revives fond memories.

What's all this nonsense
about guilty consciences?

I didn't mean to upset you.

Now, what could Howie possibly
have on his conscience?

A woman. What else?

A woman.
That's incredulous.

My late husband
was incredulous four times

that I know of.

Ethel, don't be absurd.

You know the boys.

Especially Doug.

Don't pay any attention
to me.

I've got
a suspicious nature.

When Geoffrey told me
he loved me

in the middle
of the week,

I made a bee-line
to Ernest Bohannon.

The best private eye
since Sherlock Spade.

And Howie?

That's ridiculous.

Oh, of course it is.
Of course it is.

without consulting me first.

Oh, Ethel, you ought
to be ashamed of yourself.

I am, a little...

And George
with another woman?

The idea's
absolutely ludicrous.

I trust George to the end
of the earth.

Good afternoon.
May I help you?

Yes. I would like...

Well, hello.

Gosh, Marge,
I didn't expect...

To see me here?

No. Yes.

Our dinner service
has been disappearing.

I don't trust George either.

It's not
that I don't trust Howie,

but last night,
he was singin' in the shower.

Put yourself in my hands,

I guarantee complete
satisfaction.

Thank you,
Mr. Bohannon.

Hi, Toni.

Hello, Marge.
Joanne.

I was just...
Yeah. Me too.

Girls, what do you say?

Shall we work out
a package deal?

Good night.

Got a light?

After you.
After you.

Ah, don't worry
about the grease.

It'll come off in a couple
of days.

Well, I hope so.

Thanks for everything,
Doug.

Good night.

Good night.

You have a blond hair
on your jacket, sir.

Must be my dog.

Your blond dog?

Golden retriever.

Golden re...?

That's a good one.

Can I get you
anything else?

Oh, not a thing.
Not a single thing.

It's all fixed,
lady.

What's all
fixed?

Air conditioner
in the bedroom.

Hope I didn't disturb you
and your hubby.

Good night.

I wouldn't trust
that character

with any air conditioner
of mine.

He's got feet
like a cop.

This Wednesday
is amazing.

If you listen closely,

you can hear
all eight sinus passages.

Now, don't you agree
I'm making progress?

If snoring is progress, yes.
Otherwise...

You heard the tapes.
You've seen my notes.

There's a definite pattern
emerging.

Half a pattern.
Why only half?

Cathy, to study a man who leads
a life away from home,

you must learn something
about the home

from which he leads
it away from.

Their homes?

Well, I don't want to meet
their wives.

That's up to you.

Only, remember, there are
two sides to every pillow.

When it comes to sex,

men can't keep from lying

and women can't keep
from telling the truth.

I don't know
which is worse.

Yes?

Good afternoon,
Mrs. Jackson.

I'm doing
a sociological survey

on the sexual patterns
of the suburban male.

You mean something
like the Kinsey report?

Well, a little.

I wonder if you'd object
to answering a few questions.

Is that all the paper
you've got?

As you know, it's
a scientific survey dealing

with very intimate matters.

Yes, I've read some
of them. Wow!

I know.

You don't mind
if I ask you

some highly personal
questions.

Well, it isn't every day
a girl gets a chance

to talk about science.

I have here a list
of twenty basic questions.

Okay, fire away.

Some of them may prove
a bit embarrassing.

Well we'll see
who blushes first.

But, you don't understand,
Mr. Slattery,

this guy's all tied
up in knots.

He's really hooked
on the girl.

Why butt in,
Mr. Williams?

Well, what would you do
if a close friend

of yours was carrying
a torch

for a girl who was acting like
a tramp?

How bad is he hooked?

About as bad as you can get.

but when he remembers the girl,
he forgets the score.

He just stops thinking!

Some guys use their heads,
some guy just plunge.

that one method is
any better than the other.

Maybe, but with a girl
like that,

what kind
of a chance has he got?

I'll tell you a secret,
Mr. Williams,

you take any guy and gal
in the world,

shake 'em up, throw.

Now,
if your friend really feels

like you say
about this girl,

his odds are no worse
than anybody else's.

Oh, I don't know.
I just don't know.

Better give me a refill,
Mr. Slattery.

One thing sure, your friend's
not gonna be happy

until he gets
off the dime.

You might also
tell him to lay off the sauce.

You know something,
Mr. Slattery?

You know something,
Mr. Slattery.

Hi, Cathy.

Hello.

May I come in?

By all means.
My house is your house.

Cathy, I...

Would you like to do
a little door slamming now?

Or would you prefer
to wait?

I want to explain
about that.

Something got
into me.

Probably a martini.

No, it wasn't
a martini.

Cathy, don't you have
any idea why I'm here?

Of course. You came to deliver
the sermon of the week.

No. I've got something
on my mind.

May I have a drink?

I was waiting
for that.

Help yourself.

You always seem to need
a drink

before you talk to me,
don't you?

For what I have to say now,
yes.

Where's the ice?

In the refrigerator.

Whistle.
Maybe it'll come to you.

Oh, forget
the whole thing.

I shouldn't have
come here at all.

Why? We made a bargain.
I keep my part of it.

I don't like being
just part of a bargain.

Fred, wait a minute.

I didn't mean it.

I'm glad you came.

Let me get you some ice,
hm?

No, thanks.
I don't need a drink now.

Cathy, I- I just can't
figure you out.

I know you're one kind
of person,

What makes you think so?

Well, it- it's not
what I think.

It's what I feel
about you.

What kind of person
are you really?

I'm all mixed up.

I like you, Cathy.

I like you very much.

But I just don't know.

Well,
you should know.

Fred,
look at me.

If you really feel
that way,

you shouldn't have
to ask me anything.

Then, how am I supposed
to find out?

Well, certainly not by slamming
the door in my face, Fred.

It wasn't exactly
in your face.

I was standing
in the doorway and...

Please, Cathy,
it's over and done.

the very first time
I came up here.

I went out of my way
to talk some sense

into that head of yours
and I got nowhere fast.

You walked in here
like Elmer Gantry,

and in five minutes,

I was fighting you off
that chair.

You were fighting me?

That's a laugh.

I got off of that chair
under my own steam.

Huh. And you had plenty
of it.

That's right. After I saw what
I was dealing with.

I said what
I was dealing with.

Why, you self-righteous
hypocrite.

Do you know
what you are?

You're nothing but
a self-righteous hypocrite!

And this time,
I'll slam the door on you.

Well, we'll see
who gets the last slam.

Hello?
And please tell me it's Fred.

Did you get the flowers?

Mm-hm. And they're beautiful.

Even delivered at 8:00
in the morning.

What are you doing tonight?

Mm - whatever you want to do.

That problem's solved.

How about Saturday?

I'm in the mood to take orders.

Great.

Catch the 9:30 to Greenwich.

I'll meet you at the station.

Be there early. I may fly.

There's no plane to Greenwich.

Hm. Who needs planes?

Fred? Fred?

Greenwich?

If I'd have known,
I'd have worn my bloomers.

Forgot to tell you.

We're having a little league
game this morning. Uh-huh.

I'm the manager.
Mm-hm.

Who'll be there?
Just the two of us?

Plus a few mothers and fathers
and kissin' cousins.

Fred, don't you think
that maybe...? Don't worry.

It'll only take an hour
or so.

We'll have the rest of the day
to ourselves.

It's a very important game.

We're battling it out
for sixth place.

Alright, gang,
we're getting two.

Fire away, Mike.

Come on, everybody play, Mike.

Joey looks sharp,
doesn't he, honey?

Yeah. His fast ball's
comin' in real good.

Gosh, I sure hope
Fred uses him today.

Oh, he will, honey.
Joey's comin' on real strong.

Last week he pitched
a 14 hitter.

Looks as though Fred's gonna go
with Joey McElhenny.

What kind of stuff
has he got?

See that slow ball he
just dropped in there?

That's his fast ball.

Look at that, right over
the plate on only one bounce.

Look out,
Mike.

Say, who's that girl
with Fred?

Fred? Fred who?

Look. Something very familiar
about her face.

Ever met her before?

Never saw her before
in my life.

What girl?
I don't see any girl.

Of course, that's the girl who
interviewed me the other day.

About what,
Joanne?

Nothin' important.

Sex.

That's nice.

Would you excuse us,
please?

What's the matter,
Doug?

I'll be back
in a minute.

I've got to make
a phone call.

A phone call?

What do you expect me
to say in public?

How about the line-up?

Yeah, I'll be right there.

Conference time.

I gotta determine
the line-up.

Right now.

Don't make a scene,
everybody's watchin'.

On a commission basis?

Couldn't find dynamite
instead?

I hate to upset you guys.

Cathy's with me.

I don't have
to apologize.

Mr. Williams.
Yeah, Joey.

Oh, hi, Pop.

Mr. Williams, umpire wants
the line-up.

Oh, yeah. Alright.

You bet.
Be seein' you, Pop.

Probably
on alternate weekends.

It's gonna be
your fault.

Haven't you got
any sense?

You've gotta get her out
of here! Wait a minute.

Wait? Everything's
about to blow sky high.

You wanna live dangerously.
But count us out.

That's exactly
what I'm doing.

Counting you out.
All three of you.

What?

I'm gonna ask Cathy
to marry me.

I got it.

...to think
it out.

I have thought
it out

and I know exactly
what I'm doing.

Thought?
You call that thought?

I think you're crazy.

There comes a time
in every man's life

when he has to disregard
the opinions of others

and do what he feels
in his own heart is right.

Go back. Go back.

Have you gone out of your
ever-lovin' mind?

You can't do this.

Who's gonna stop me?

I am. I'm not gonna stand by
and watch you ruin your life.

Fred, baby, how are you gonna
feel about us?

How are you gonna be able
to look us all in the face?

It's no problem, boys.
You're off the list.

Mr. Williams.
Mr. Williams.

They're hitting Joey
all over the place.

I'll be right there.

We're in bad trouble,
Mr. Williams.

The game just started.

I know, but they've got
two men on base.

Look, fellas, I gotta
go out there. They need me.

No, you don't.

Mr. Williams, they've got
three men on base.

Alright,
tell them I'm coming.

You better get out there.

Shut up, Howie.

Fred,
I'm begging you.

Mr. Williams.

The catcher's crying!

Joey!
Keep fighting!

Joey, stay in
there, boy.

You go back out there, Seymour.
I'll be right with you, huh?

We're gonna keep you from this
if we have to tie you down.

I wouldn't try it.
Now, look,

Cathy and I we'll be
living in New York.

Fred, you can't keep this
kind of thing a secret.

What'll you tell your mother?
What will people say?

That's enough, George.

Can't you just
hear the minister.

Congratulations,
Mrs. Williams.

And what did you do
before you met Fred?

Don't do it, Fred. I impede you
as one of your oldest friends.

My mind's made up.

Oh, don't do it, Fred.
Please, don't.

Don't take Joey out. Let him
pitch his way out of this jam.

Yahoo!

Don't you think we ought to
get in out of the rain?

Why? This is the most
romantic spot in town.

How about
the dugout?

And the car?

What are we, a couple
of teenagers?

Did you know it was
gonna rain today?

Sort of. Of course, when
I knew you were coming,

I didn't think
it would dare.

Then, the game doesn't
count, does it?

No. Rain washed
everything out.

Next time they get
to start all over?

With no score.

A pretty good
break for you.

It's a good break
for both of us.

That's what
we're gonna do.

What do you mean?

Start all over.
With no score.

Fred, there's something I
should've told you long.

After we get married, I don't
think we'll live with Mom.

What else?

With everything that
you think about me,

you still
want to marry me?

I told you it was
all rained out.

There's something I
have to tell you

I never
heard of 'em.

No, Fred, please
listen to me.

They're details that you
really ought to know.

No, no.
No details.

The evenings that I spent with
George and Doug and Howie. . .

...they just...

I can't believe it.

You mean
there's more?

Oh yes.

Since all 3 cats were playing
on the same back fence,

Bully
for you.

Oh, no. No. You ladies
will reap the rewards.

I have given you each a
25 percent discount.

This will apply
to all future charges.

Wire taps, photos,
the other evidence

I can't pay this
out of my allowance.

I certainly can't
show this to Doug.

I don't think you ladies have
looked closely enough.

Girls, I know how you feel. But
you mustn't do anything foolish.

Don't worry, I won't.

I'm going to go and get me the
best divorce lawyer in town.

Won't he be
terribly expensive?

All I want is a
reasonable settlement.

Alimony, the house, the station
wagon, the power tools. . .

Now you're talking.

and then make
them suffer?

Never. Not in a
million years.

You can lose an arm
like that, dear.

He was a nothing
when I met him.

I molded him.

And there I was drinking
Metrecal for a monster.

Next week is our anniversary.

I was going to give him the
loveliest handbag to give me.

Catch me giving him an
alligator handbag now.

Pretty depressing.

Yeah.

Fred's one guy I thought would
be my friend for life.

It's not the same old train,

and it's not the same old
saloon without him.

Oh, he'll get over it.
Just wait and see.

You saw the way he walked by us
on the train and sat by himself.

Yeah, that busts up the
bridge game among other things.

No, it doesn't. I told you old
Fred wouldn't bear a grudge.

Let bygones be bygones.

It's alright with me.

Glad to see you, Fred.
Pull up a glass.

Let's get to
the point, eh?

Here's a balance
sheet for each of you.

I've pro-rated the expenses,
the rent, liquor, utilities.

You can mail me your checks
at your earliest convenience.

You sound like you're trying to
buy back your introduction.

That's it. In view
of past history,

I don't think Cathy and I
will be seeing any of you again.

Ah, don't say
that, Fred.

You're not gonna let a dame
like that bust up a friendship?

Dame like what?

Well, gee, Fred.
You know, a dame who...

That does it.
Stand up Buster.

I am standing up.

If you had any guts,
you'd be taller.

Fred, wait. Where
are you going?

I have to get some air. I got to
walk off some of this charge

before I meet
''that dame.''

If you guys are smart, you won't
cross my path again. Or hers.

Gee.

Sit down, Howie.
It's okay.

I am
sitting down.

Oh.

That display was
a little uncalled for.

Everybody's staring at us.
Let's go sit down, eh?

Boy, did you ever see a guy so
hot under the collar?

We're the ones who
should be sore.

He's ruining a perfect
setup for us.

You know, the more I think about
it, the luckier we are.

Lucky?

If Joanne ever got wind of it,

how could I ever convince her
that I never even. . .

Hmm?

That you never
even what, Howie?

No-nothing. Nothing.

Just a moment.

We like whole sentences,
don't we, George?

Mmm.

Never even what, Howie?

Knock
it off.

Now come on.

We're practically
next of kin.

Okay, what with the way
Joanne's been starving me,

skipping lunches to get
up my share of the split,

by the time I got to Cathy's,
all I was was hungry.

Look, I don't care what
you guys think.

She always struck me as a girl
who deserved something better.

Better than you?

No, better than you. Better than
me, too come to think of it.

I haven't liked any of us much
the past couple of weeks.

Sit down, cousin.

You and me, both.
Finish your drink.

You either? But, on
the train, you said...

I didn't say a thing. I can't
help the way you guys listen.

Oh brother.

What a pair of swingers you guys
turned out to be.

Okay, so I'm a square with an
old-fashioned sense of guilt.

No offense, George,

but you're not the most
sensitive guy in the world.

What do you mean? What do you
mean, I'm not sensitive?

Well, the way
you've been talking.

You're not the only one who
can't help how people listen.

It so happens that I'm just as
sensitive as you are.

Hard to imagine
the children fatherless.

Especially at breakfast.

It's a strange thing
about a monster.

You sort of get used to
having it around the house.

Or should we go to that woman's
place and scratch her eyes out?

Now, let's not make any snap
decisions on an empty stomach.

Waitress. Waitress, darling,
another round, please.

Are you sure, madam?

Madam is sure.

Madam is crocked.

Have you noticed how insolent
the help has become lately?

Ever since the
Kennedy's got in.

Hey, guys, it's getting
around that time.

Wait a minute.

If Cathy's not a.. .

. . .if she's not that kind of
a girl, what is she?

What do
you mean?

Men, we're
in trouble.

Trouble? What
kind of trouble?

Well, if you were a girl on the
make and you saw that pad,

what would you think of
the guys that kept it?

That they were loaded.

Check, And if you thought they
were rich and married,

what would you do
with three ripe chumps?

Blackmail.

She even interviewed
our wives.

That's a cool operator.

She must have a file
on us three yards thick.

And Fred. He's in
up to his chin.

And she's gonna
make waves.

We've gotta
save him.

We gotta save
ourselves too.

Yeah.
But how?

You can't blackmail
without evidence, right?

We've got to go through
that pad with a fine tooth comb.

Come on.

But that's
illegal entry.

Illegal entry my foot
it's our apartment

Before you do
another thing,

I say you should go see that
woman, face to face.

Right.
And then what?

And then we'll
scratch her eyes out.

No, no, no. I can't sanction
the shedding of blood.

Maybe we can
have her arrested.

How?

For transporting men
across the state line.

She didn't transport them. The
New Haven Railroad did.

Well then, what about
the apartment?

I mean, it's in a
residential section.

Maybe we could get her on a
zoning rap, mmm?

Okay. And then we can
scratch her eyes out.

No, no, no. Hold it. Hold it.

I've a much better idea.
Waitress.

What are you
doing, Ethel?

Waitress, would you bring me two
olives and a cherry, please.

Two olives and a cherry?

Yes, my dear,
on toothpicks.

Well, do you want
them in something?

In the palm
of your hand.

Ethel, what
are you doing?

As long as you're going
to see this woman,

we might just as well make
the visit fruitful.

Oh.

We'll behave with dignity.

We'll simply tell her she
cannot have all three men.

Uh, which one?

She has to return
the two olives.

And she can keep the cherry.

I always did
like olives.

Doug.
Doug.

Well, hello.

Where's
Fred?

What are you
boys doing here?

Never mind.
Where's Fred?

Well, he's
not here yet.

Then, we're
in time.

In time for what?

You'll find out.
Let's go, fellas.

Disgraceful.
Two men this time.

Uh, not two, three!

Children of Satan, repent,
repent, repent.

Well, don't just sit there,
Jason, do something.

I'm not just sitting here.
I'm repenting.

Look at this, fellas, look.
All kinds of notes.

A whole file on
each one of us.

And a typewriter.

What's wrong with
a typewriter?

Ha! She wants to know what's
wrong with a typewriter.

Come to think of it, what is
wrong with a typewriter?

In her line of work?

But we don't know for sure what
her line of work is.

We do, now. Right.

And this is one shake-down she's
not going to get away with.

A shake-down?

Yes.
A shake-down.

Do you fellas actually
think that I...?

This...is really too much.

Say, that's a very good piece of
equipment.

What the
devil is that?

Hey.

That's me.

Okay. That's the payoff. Get all
the stuff together, Doug.

Just one moment.
That material belongs to me.

Not any more, it doesn't.
We're putting you out of business.

Doug, give that to me this
instant. I need it.

Why? So you can
bleed us all white?

And mess up the lives of 3 sweet
innocent, unsuspecting women?

This is it, ladies.

This is just one tape.
There's gotta be more.

Alright, Cathy,
let's have the rest.

Stop being
ridiculous, fella.

You're gonna play
it tough, huh? Alright.

We know lots of ways of making
you come across. Right, Doug?

Right. But, we won't
use 'em unless we have to.

What ways,
George?

A twist of the
arm might help.

Here.
Twist.

Here, Doug, you twist.

You twist.

It was your idea.

I thought I told you guys I
didn't want you bothering Cathy.

Fred, don't be a sap. We're
trying to save your skin.

Take your choice. Go out of here
on your feet or on your head.

Don't... They think i'm
trying to blackmale 'em!

Well, that's right.
She is.

I ought to break
all your necks.

Well, now look, Fred,
figure it out for yourself.

Tape recording. She's got
file folders on all of us.

She was even pumping our wives.
This is a vicious dame, Fred.

You can't blame them for
being suspicious.

Oh, i'm a lot more
than suspicious.

Fred, she's got
a typewriter.

George, i'm warning you.

Fred, don't.
Wait.

I may as well confess.
My thesis is ruined anyway.

You're what?
My thesis.

I'm not a blackmailer,
boys, honest.

I was merely doing post-graduate
work in sociology.

They give degrees
now in your line?

You expect us
to believe that?

What's this so-called
thesis all about?

Oh oh, well, you're not
gonna like this.

It's called,

"Adolescent Sexual Fantasies in
The Adult Suburban Male."

Oh, boy, does she have
you guys figured out.

Us guys?
Look who's talking.

Oh, boy, is this a
load off my mind.

This-this-this could have
blown sky-high at home.

And you figured that we
had to save old Fred here,

from a fate worse than death.

What are old friends for?

Fred, only one thing to say and
i say this in all sincerity,

congratulations,
you lucky stiff.

You've not only got
yourself a living doll...

Not to mention a
great listener.

But a PhD in the
bargain, and boy,

you can't hardly get
them no more.

Alright,
knock it off.

Fred? Well, what's
the matter?

The matter? It's one thing for a
girl to be - uh - to go wrong.

A guy'd have to be narrow-minded
not to overlook that.

But to make me a miserable
guinea pig,

to use a guy for an experiment.

To be a dirty, contemptible
sociologist.

That's about as low
as you can get.

Fred, i... Oh...

Now, see what you've
gone and done.

Ah now, don't worry, Cathy.
He's just a little upset.

Yeah.

Well, sure, honey, he'll be back
in a moment, i guarantee it.

Yeah.

Good evening,
Frederick.

Hi mom.

Hello, Fred.

What's he doing here?
Must be in it with them.

Wait a minute, Playboy, where
do you think you're going?

Frederick, you come
along here with us!

Alright, Mom, but you're
not going to like it.

There, now. Cathy won't wet
any more tissues, will she?

What kind of
economizing is that?

You see?
Fred!

Fred, i'm so...

Well, if it isn't Elsie Kinsey
of Sunnybrook Farm!

What are you doing here?

She works here.

I thought you were
a sociologist.

She is.

What a sideline she's
got going for her.

You know what
she's done now?

Toss the tid-bit.

She sent out for
more women.

Sounds like a sensible idea.

Hi, Marge.

Hi, Toni.

Hi, Oogums.

My maiden name is Joanne
Freemantle. You monster.

So this is the new School for
Social Research, is it, George?

This is a tax situation,
darling.

It's too complicated to explain.
Wait until i'm through...

Now, i know what you mean
by Creative Accounting.

Toni, darling, what a
pleasant surprise!

Don't hit.
Please.

Please! It's a terribly
lower-case thing to do!

This whole thing
is a mistake!

You bet it was!

Nothing happened in this
apartment. Not a thing!

Oh, Joanne, honey,
can't we go home?

Home! What home, monster?
Where do we have a home?

Greenwich, Connecticut,
the Nutmeg State.

This is quite a classroom,
isn't it?

Did you clap erasers
for the teacher?

Sweetie, this is just
circumstantial evidence.

Sweetie, that's all, it is.

Please. Doug and i only shook
hands a couple of times.

That's all that happened.

That's right.

He never shook
hands with me.

Marge. Cold cream.

Don't change the subject.

But, it's Nympth cold cream.
I've been doing a survey.

You want a consumer's reaction?
There.

Oogums! Never... never!

I only cooked him
a couple of dinners.

Just dinners.

And a chocolate malted.

Gorging yourself, while i was
living on Metrecal, you monster!

Marge, you're getting
over-excited!

According to your campaign,
it's a superior product!

Oh, Marge, you're
losing status!

Oh, i'll status you!

Will somebody listen to me?
Please listen to me!

Hello! Anybody home?

Oh, Dr. Prokosch!
Will you do something?

Do something!
Make them stop, please!

Well, this seems
hardly possible.

I'm terribly sorry...

Feel its instant
cleansing action.

You guys stop. Oh, Marge,

you're falling
off the pedestal.

It is especially
beneficial for thick skins.

Marge, i warn you.
Don't knock the product.

This is the last straw. The day
of retribution has arrived.

Do i dare heed the call?
Do i dare?

You dare.

Quiet. Quiet. Silence.

You can just pack your things
and move into a hotel.

Silence, while the Spokeslady
is, uh, speaking.

My colleagues and i have
discussed the problem,

and have arrived at a democratic
and dignified solution.

We've desided we will throw
you one of the men!

Hmmm. But, you gotta
throw back the other two.

You can have him!

Me?

No one's giving
me away.

Oh, Toni, you'll
get over it.

Because Marge
and i were olives.

Cathy doesn't
want me, darling.

She doesn't?

What's the matter?
Isn't he good enouph for you?

Make a muscle.
Now, honey.

I don't want your men...
any of them!

Th...this was simply a...
a group expirement.

Well, let's scratch her eyes out,

as a group experiment.

I'll pick up this vase and
brake it over your head.

Smashing up the place
won't solve anything.

Let her hit me.
Don't butt in.

Hold it.

Thank you.

A photographer.
What a brilliant idea.

Why, Ernest Bohannan.

Mrs. Williams.

How do you manage
to stay so young?

Aw, that's a
professional secret.

You, sir, cringe a little
to the right, please.

That's it, get between.
That's evidence.

Let her alone,
homewrecker!

That's not a nice
way to put things.

Well, observe how
nicely i put this vase.

Give me back that vase!
It's imported!

You leave my friend alone!

Toni, don't!

Don't what?

Can we take that again?
I couldn't get that shot.

Repent! Repent!

Oh, Fred, do something.
Stop them.

You started it.
You stop them.

Do something!
Fred, do something!

Alright, i'll
do something!

Oh, Fred, what's
the matter with you!

Jezebel, what have
you done to my boy?

Me? Why does he have to act like
such an absolute beast? Ugh!

Well, how do you expect him
to act when he's in love?

- In love?
- What else?

Why did he smash your vase?

Wait! Where're
you going?

To catch Thursday,
and marry him!

Marry him? Are you
out of your mind?

Do you want to end up
like these people?

Yes. Exactly like them!

Fred. Wait! You've just got to
listen to me, please!

What's the point? I've got the
whole picture loud and clear.

No, but, you haven't. It's true,
I was going to use you.

But, I just couldn't
go through with it.

You were doing
pretty good!

Lobby. floor.
Watch your step, please.

I guess we ought to
go back up, again.

I guess so. But, it's a
lot nicer down here.

Lobby floor! This is
the lobby floor!

Seven, please.

Cathy, We'll never be
like them, will we?

Like them? Never in
a million years!

Well, fellows, are we going to
do anything tonight,

or do we catch the
early train home?

Hey, how about that new pub down
in the village?

I hear they got
some great Dixieland.

Aw, there's too much
smoke in those joints.

Come on, somebody,
make up our minds!

I thought we already decided
to go to the basketball game.

Right!

Why don't we just
stop talking and go!

Yes. Yes.

How about it? Have
we got a choice?

Here, you take
this, Howie,

and we'll split it 4
ways, like we do.

Uh-oh! Don't look now, but
you'd better keep talking.

What?

But darling, a girl can't make
a success on instinct, alone.

To understand a man,
takes a lifetime of study.

Isn't it amazing how much
post-graduate work goes on?