Boy, Did I Get a Wrong Number! (1966) - full transcript

NARRATOR: "'The time has
come,' the Walrus said

"'For I know I've
had enough of cabbages,
kings and sealing wax

"'And all that silly stuff

"'I want to talk
of Hollywood and
the excitement that it brings

"'With its gorgeous
girls in sunken baths

"'and those
other crazy things'"

Temperature okay.
Bring on the body.

Hah.

I break my head
to learn English,
and for what?

To take a bath?

No, no, no and no!



I know, Miss Didi, but we...

No more Miss Didi's bath!

Or anything else!

Is that clear?

It's impossible. Impossible baths.

No more bubble
baths anywhere!

DIDI: No!

No more bubble baths.What's the matter now?

She won't get in the tub.

Nothing to get excited about.

The usual daily tantrum.

What's wrong,
my little chou-chou?

You liar and cheat!

Oh, what troubles
my little pussy cat?



Tell your Pepe, will you?

"Tell your Pepe!
Tell your Pepe!"

You promised
that when we
came to Hollywood,

that I could be
a big dramatic star
and no more bubble baths.

But, my little rabbit, you know the big scenes will come later.

You know Pepe never lies.

Pepe never lies?

For five years you
promise to marry me.

For five years!

Oh, it's that again now, huh?

Aren't we happy as we are?

No.

Why do you want to destroy your success?

Marriage will ruin you.

Who knows that better than I do?

What happens when a star marries her director?

Exactly what happened to all my wives.

Instantly, they get fat.

Didi does not get fat,
and Didi does not
take a bubble bath!

Oh, come, come now.

Let's discuss this calmly, huh?

Do you really think Pepe likes this?

How do you think I feel when everyone

sees your beautiful body in the bath?

It tears my heart out.

Oh... Oh...

You know Pepe thinks only of you.

Then why did you
put the bath back
in the picture?

Why? The producer says you take a bath, that's why.

[MUTTERING] So I stand up to him, and I tell him,

"My Didi will take no more baths."

So the producer says, "No bath, no picture."

Then I hollered at him, "Okay, no picture!"

The producer hollers, then I holler again,

but it's no use. He hollers louder.

But I made an agreement.

You take the bath.

You made an agreement, huh?

Then you take the bath!

Who discovered you, huh?

Who made you
the Divine Didi?

I.

I made myself the Divine Didi.

Oh, you did?

Yes. Maybe you helped a little bit.

What were you
when I picked you
up in Marseille?

A dirty little
beggar chasing GIs

in the street
for cigarettes.

Oh. Miserableyou.

You know that I
am of royal blood.

Everybody knows
that Didi comes
from a noble line!

You came from
a noble line,
all right,

a noble line
a sailor gave
your foolish mother.

[GASPS]

You'd still be
a dirty little beggar

if I didn't give
you your first bath.

And you are going
to take this bath
right now.

[SCREAMING]

Ow! Ow.

I'll teach you.

Now we'll start.

Now, actor, you...

I want you to go
into the bathroom
and act surprised.

You see this strange,
beautiful girl in the tub,

but you do not
recognize her.

Mr. Pepponi... You understand?

Leave me alone.
You do not know her...

But she's
getting out
of the tub.

Didi!

Didi, you come back here.

Wow!

Didi!

PEPE: Didi!

Didi!

[ENGINE REVVING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Didi!

She'll come back,

and when she does
I'm going to drown her.

Folks, this is
Mr. Titus Zeale
of Abbott's Butte, Oregon.

Now, Mr. Zeale,
you say the Divine
Didi stopped here?

She sure did and I ain't forgetting it.

You're quite sure now?

Oh, it was her all right.

She had a pizza and a Coke,

and then got mad 'cause I didn't have no champagne.

Thank you.

Well, I guess
it's pretty obvious

that the Divine One
is hiding out
someplace here in Oregon.

When she lets me
know where she is,
I'll let you know.

Yoo-hoo, Martha,
lover boy is here.

That should
start an avalanche.

[LILY LAUGHING]

What's so funny?

They just had a commercial for a waist-pincher that's guaranteed

to make your body 36-26-36 or double your money back.

Boy, am I gonna be rich!

Well, forget it.
That offer's
open to girls only.

Where's my wife?

Down at the beauty parlor, doing what comes unnaturally.

At this hour?
The beauty parlor?

That's just what I need.

No, that's just what I need.

I've been banned for life.

Do you realize
you're looking at
a three-time loser?

Drowning your troubles?

No, teaching them to swim.

All right, what'd you do?

Blow another deal
on that Lake
Nothing property?

It's still gonna sell,
and it's still
gonna be a summer resort

that's gonna make me rich.

Some resort. One house.

Even the ducks won't go up there for the summer.

Can I help it if everybody built at the other end of the lake?

Besides,
that's a selling point.

Some people prefer seclusion.

That's not seclusion.
That's banishment.

Why don't I fire you?

I know,
my psychiatrist
explained it.

I dig pain.

I'll tell you why, guilt.

You let me sink
my life savings

into that
no-takers-acres
up there.

$500, that wouldn't build a path to the telephone booth.

Don't worry,
you'll get your
money out of it.

Why? Has the President declared it a disaster area?

Come to think of it,
why did I hire you
in the first place?

Why didn't I just
slash my wrists?

When do we eat?
I'm starved.

When your wife gets home.

I gotta have
a little hors d'oeuvre,
I'll tell you that.

I'm really hungry.

Hey, you forgot
the ice cubes.

What're they doing to my wife that takes so long? Teasing her follicles?

I don't know.
Beauty parlors...

Yech!

I do my own.

So that's why
we couldn't find
the egg-beater.

I better call her.

Tell her if that
chicken dries out any more,
it'll be a fire hazard.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Larry.

[GROANING]

Oh, hang on a minute, honey.

Hotel Albion.
Beauty parlor?
Yes, siree.

[RINGING]

Hard Knocks Beauty Salon.

Mrs. Meade,
please. This is Mr. Meade.

HAIRDRESSER: Just
a moment please.

Your husband is
on the phone,
Mrs. Meade.

Oh, dear, it's so late.

Well, you would mix
wine and beer.

Well, I'll say one
thing for you, though...

Oh, honey, hold on.

Hotel Albion. Yes, ma'am.

Oh, dear.

[GROANING]

Hello?

Hello?

VOICE ON SWITCHBOARD: Hello?
Operator? Hello? Operator?

I've been disconnected. Huh?

You got misconnected?

You ought to see me.

Hold on, everybody.
Now, let's see.

You with the janitor,
and you with the kitchen,

and you had somebody
upstairs, and you...

Well, you are just gonna
have to take your chances.

[RINGING]

We better hurry.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello, honey.

Honey? Do I know you?

What?
Okay, so you don't know me,

but I'm secret agent
007 and three-eighths
who tracked you down,

so get your lovely
little chassis back home

here fast,
or I'll paint you gold.

TOM: Now,
cut the phony routine.

But I do not understand.

Oh, come on, drop it.

You always were
a lousy actress.

Oh. Lousy actress, huh?

Well, I'll tell you,
there's only one
man in this world

who would dare to call Didi
a lousy actress,
and that is Pepe!

DIDI: So, you give
a message to your Pepe!

Pepe?

You tell him that Didi
will never come back
to Hollywood, never!

And the next time Didi hides, he won't find her!

Not with 1,000 bloodhounds.

Hey, wait a minute. I...

I got a hunch that
I'm not talking to
the beauty parlor.

Beauty parlor?
But of course this is not
the beauty parlor, stupid.

This is... Wait a minute.
This is Suite C.

Didi?

No, no, no, monsieur.

C.C. I mean,
Suite C. Suite C.

You're her.
You're that dame.

The biggest thing in
bathtubs since rings.

Hey, it says
you're kidnapped.

No, monsieur,no,
not really. You see,

please, monsieur,
take pity on me, please.

You see, I ran away
from Hollywood

because they tried
to make me do things

in my new movie,
things that are
just terrible.

More than in
your last picture?

Oh, those beasts.
When's it opening?

Oh...

You mean you have
seen my pictures?

Well, I've never
missed a one.

I love educational movies.

Oh...

Oh, then you...
You're my friend.

Well, yeah, I...

I mean...
What do you mean?

But, monsieur,I need you.

You must help me.

You see,
I'm all alone here
in a strange place

with no one to talk to,
no one to turn to.

Just you. Just you.

Will you bring me
some food?

Well, yes.
Bring it to
your hotel room?

Well, I don't know, I...

Oh, monsieur,
it is like when I
was a little girl

after the war,
in the streets,

begging for food.

And my poor little
body was wasting away

from such little
food to eat.

Well, it sure went
to the right places.

Never again did I think
I would be so hungry,
so hungry.

But of course,
if you don't
help me, then...

How do you like it,
on white or rye?

Oh, so you will help me.

Oh, it's so good
to have
a friend in this world.

What is your name, monsieur?

Oh, it's Meade, Tom Meade.

I'm in the phone book,
in the yellow pages,
under chicken.

Wait a minute.
Don't... Don't you call me.

But of course not,
MonsieurTom Meade.

I understand.

But you will come
to my hotel room tonight,
won't you?

Well, I...

Honey, I'd just be taking her a little lousy nourishment.

Look, I don't know
if I can swing it...

Please say yes,
MonsieurTom Meade,
please.

It's chilly
and I'm all naked.

Well, what do you know?

Somebody's been
spiking his wheat germ.

TOM: Well, look...

You gotta
realize my wife expects

a certain amount
of my time, too.

But of course I understand.

But what about me?

All right,
on second thought...

MARTHA: Tom. Darling.

On third thought,
goodbye, Sam.

Honestly, I got home
as quickly as I could.

And I love you.

Your second drink?

I mean, I love your hair, whatever they did with it.

They washed it.
It's not your third.

Have a bite.

You do look a little flushed.

Well, that's oven burn.

I've been going steady with a charred chicken.

Poor darling.
We'll eat in two shakes,

and I'm sorry
I kept my baby
waiting so long.

Hi, everybody.

Gee, Mom,
you look real groovy.

Gee, Dad,
you look real beat.

There it is.

Wow, is she ever copious.

TOM: Watch your language.

They're not real,
they can't be.

Uh-uh. That's enough of that.

Go do your homework.

MARTHA: What is it?

Imagine that,
in a family newspaper.

Do you think she's dead?

No. Go call your
brother for dinner.

Huh!

That one they'll
find in a hotel
with somebody,

somebody's husband.

[CHOKES]

I think I inhaled an olive.

Come on, let's not keep Lily waiting.

You see, she thinks my head is nothing but a crystal ball.

Sorry, you'll have to get on somebody else's chow line.

What do you want for dessert, tiger?

The breakfast of champions?

LARRY: Boy, everybody goes
to see Didi movies.

Why not me?

Because you're not old enough.

Well, I'm old enough.
Why can't I go?

Because I'm not old
enough to take you.

Let's end the discussion, please.

Really, Mother,
you're so inhibited.

Do you want me to
grow up thinking

there's something
wrong with sex?

What?

Don't look at me.
I'm still shocked
from copious.

It's just what you like,
hot chicken.

But it's important for me to see a Didi movie.

I gotta know what's going on in the world for current events in school.

Who's your
current events teacher?

Lady Chatterley?

Never mind Didi,
stick to Bugs Bunny.

Onions in it. Put you
right out of business.

DORIS: They said she
was absolutely naked

when she ran
out of the studio.

Gee, imagine
being a movie star.

Doris!

I'm going to write
to that newspaper.

Will everybody
please change the subject?

I don't want to
hear another word
about poor hungry Didi.

Poor hungry Didi?

Why'd you call
her poor and hungry?

I did?

You probably
misunderstood me.

What I said was,
"Poor hungry Daddy."

Well, I'd still
like to know one thing.

When will I be old enough to wear nothing like that?

Never!

Monsieur Tom Meade?

Please,Monsieur Tom Meade.

Do not forget me.
I am so hungry.

[SHUSHING]

Please,Monsieur, please.

I am so hungry.

Please,Monsieur Tom Meade,
do not forget me, please.

Please,Monsieur, please.

[TOM COUGHING]

Are you all right?

I'm fine. Fine.

MARTHA: Well, drink some water.

Fine.

Finished?

Don't touch
that tomato.

Gee, usually by
this time of the meal

I can come in here without a whip and a chair.

What's the matter with you?

Who, me? Well, I'm...

MARTHA: You're not eating.

Oh, I'm resting.

Is there something wrong with the chicken?

The chicken's just
roasted. He's stewed.

This whole
room's going around.

I think on
the next turn I'll get off
and go lie down.

I hope he hasn't been working too hard.

He's been doing
something too hard.

[GROOVE MUSIC PLAYING
ON RADIO]

♪ Murder me with kisses

♪ Murder me now

♪ Kill me with love

♪ Kill me, baby

♪ Mutilate my senses, baby

♪ Mutilate me

♪ Bind me like a duck

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ Tear my heart to pieces

♪ Rip me, baby

♪ Let my pulse run wild

♪ Make my pulse...

Mirror, mirror
on the wall, who's
the fairest of them all?

Oh, shut up.
Who asked you anyway?

Thanks.

What are you doing here?

Yeah, imagine finding me in the kitchen.

What's Big Daddy's excuse?

Excuse for what?

It happens to be
my refrigerator,
remember?

Why don't you go
haunt another
part of the house?

Sort of a midnight picnic?

Yeah,
I'm cheating on my diet,

and I'm just
going out to eat it.

Doesn't everybody?

I just happen to have a yen.

Those still waters, do they run deep.

Hmm?

Where's Mrs. Meade?

Mrs. Meade?

She's your wife.

All right, Lily,
you got me.

Martha doesn't want me
to meet the boys tonight.

So all that's for the boys, or is it the birds?

Just a bite
while we play poker.

You won't tell Martha,
will you?

Don't worry, my lips are sealed.

And good luck at the game, whatever it is.

Au revoir...
I mean, see you later.

Ciao.

Who is?

It's me, the man
with the wrong number.

It's okay.

Oh.

Well, it's not okay,
but it's me.

You are MonsieurTom Meade?

No names, please.

I brought the goodies.

Are you sure you need them?

Oh, I'm hungry.

I picked
up a paper, too.

Your studio is sure
somebody's holding you.

Oh, that's wonderful. Apples...

And bread and tomatoes and chicken.

Yeah. I left
out the gravy.

I didn't want to leave
a trail from my house
to your room.

Oh, this is wonderful, MonsieurTom Meade.

Thank you very, very much. This is a feast.

Yeah, and I just
had the dessert.

Well, bon appetit.

Mmm.

This is delicious.

You know that I
had nothing to eat

since yesterday but
one glass of water.

Oh, you poor
undernourished kid.

My ribs are showing.
Feel them.

No, no, I'd have
to have a note
from my doctor. I'll...

Oh, Didi likes you.
You like Didi?

Maybe you'd like
to see a picture
of my wife?

Oh, yes.

I'll go home
and get it.

Oh, no, no, but you must eat with Didi.

It's no good to eat alone.

When you're here, my appetite is much bigger.

That's getting
to be my problem,
so I better run along.

But no, no, no, MonsieurTom Meade. I'm all alone here,

and I have nobody
to talk to and nobody
to turn to.

And your eyes,
they're so full of
warmth and kindness.

That's panic and terror.

Oh, come on, MonsieurTom Meade, we have a little party, huh?

A party?
But who could
we invite?

Well, nobody,
just us. Come on.

Sit down. There, I feed you.

Um...

There.

You know, every time I start a picture,

I have a party with my leading man.

And Pepe hates
my leading men.

You know, he always wants to kill them.

Kill them? Well,
he must keep pretty busy.

Pepe is terrible. You know, he hounds me.

I ran away before but he always found me,

and he'll find me this time, too.

Yeah, well,
that sounds like
real true love,

the kind you can
read on any good
coroner's report.

If only there was someplace where I could hide.

You know, someplace where nobody would recognize me.

Someplace all alone.

You mean something like
a two-bedroom-with-bath
vacation villa,

not 35 minutes from
the center of town,

very secluded,
ideal for a
honeymoon couple,

no down payment,
you don't have
to be a veteran.

You sound like advertising.

I've got just
the spot for you.

Up there,
you're as good as lost.

In fact, I have
a shirt up there
somewhere.

Where is this place?

Well, look,
you go right
down the main road

until you come
to a bridge, then,

across the bridge
there's a turnoff,

and you'll see a sign that says, "Crystal Lake."

You follow the Lake Shore...

Road up about five miles
until you come to
a cabin on top of a bluff.

The key is under
the first porch step,
and what a view!

All you can see
for miles and miles
is miles and miles.

But what about the food, MonsieurTom Meade?

Oh, there's a deep freeze.

It just has everything.

It has orange juice,
chickens, steaks,
a noisy motor.

Oh, I'm free. I'm free.

MonsieurTom Meade,
you freed the slave.

Yeah, well, I don't think this is what Lincoln had in mind.

But, honey, everything will be all right. You'll be safe up there,

and this way we
can do something
for each other.

But of course,
MonsieurTom Meade.

Yeah, but, honey,
I don't think
we're on the same beam.

I mean you're reading me, but I'm not even sending.

If you want me up
there all by myself
in the wilderness, okay.

What if something goes wrong?

Well, everything's
practically new,

except the water
pipes hum a little,
but they're on key.

I don't think
anything'll go wrong.

But what if I meet
some wild animals?

They'll just have to
take their chances.

No, MonsieurTom Meade,
what if something
really should go wrong?

Well, you call me.
Call me at Pomeroy...

You got a pen or a pencil?

Lipstick will do.

Well, call me
at Pomeroy 41...

No, I better make
it the office number.

After all,
this is business.

Yeah, call me
at Pomeroy 368.

Pomeroy 368.

Now, MonsieurTom Meade, what can Didi do for you?

You're doing it.
I'm giving you
a place to hide,

and you're
giving me the place
where Didi was hiding.

You wash my back,
I'll wash yours.

Oh!

Oh, no, no,
that's just
an old business saying,

like, you know,
a bird in the hand is...

Nah, forget it.

After you leave,
it'll be a summer resort
that'll make me a fortune.

After I leave?

Yeah.
"Visit Didi's hideaway."

"Stay where Didi stayed.
Didi slept here.
Didi even bathed here."

I'll turn the bathroom
into a shrine.

Oh, this is wonderful,
MonsieurTom Meade.

This way we help each other and Pepe will never find me.

Yeah, Pepe. Hey, what about this Pepe?

I'm not afraid of Pepe.

Well, that makes one of us.

No, I mean, he says
here that he is the...

What does Pepe
say there again?

"Fearful over
the fate of his star,
the Divine Didi,

"famed European
film director,
Pepe Pepponi,

"his handsome
features revealing

"the strain of three
sleepless nights..."

Oh! His handsome features, his three sleepless nights!

Well, what about me, huh?

All he ever cares
about is himself,
his studio, his picture.

Lies. Lies. Lies!

Well, what he
probably meant was...

I know what he meant.
His money he meant.

His big box office he meant.

That's all he
ever cares about me.

Well, he must have some...

Don't you defend him, you.

No, I was only saying...

But of course, you're a man, too,

and you always are together, aren't you?

Oh, no, I've never
even met him,

and my insurance company wants to keep it that way.

You just want to take
what you can get from her.

That's what you want her for.

No. I just brought
the chicken.

Of course, so you can have me stay in this house of yours!

So you could exploit me, take advantage of me

and make money on me,
just like Pepe!

You're all alike.

Men. Men. Men!

Oh, take it easy, honey,
you'll break something,

and it's hard
to get parts.

You don't care?

You don't care what a woman thinks?

What she feels?

The tenderness she
has in her little heart?

Well, you just take
your chicken and your

tomatoes, your apples and your bread

and your cake and
your chicken leg,
and you...

You... You man!

Thank you.

It was nice meeting you.

[SCREAMING]

Those Europeans,
why do they have to
talk with their hands?

What am I mad at MonsieurTom Meade for?

It's Pepe I hate. You...

Pepe, miserableyou.

MonsieurTom Meade.

MonsieurTom Meade.

MonsieurTom Meade.

Please, MonsieurTom Meade, I want to apologize.

MAN ON RADIO: The Divine Didi
appeared to be unharmed
and in good health.

Before the police
could arrive, however,

the vanishing Venus
was on the run again,

eluding pursuit in
her high-powered car.

She was last
reported moving south
on Highway 99.

Stay tuned to this channel
for latest reports.

...on you.
It's like I was a thief.

I am no thief!

Everyone has got
the right to run away
if they want to.

It's a free country.

Please, not so loud.

How did that get up to my eyes so fast?

Well, how's old
faithful this morning?

Had a rough night.

Did you say "rough" or...

[BARKS]

Down, Fido.

Come on, now.

You weren't really out
playing poker last
night with the boys.

Is that so strange?

No, but I think
one of the boys is.

What's this?

Boy, I hope it's blood.

Your wife sees it,
it will be.

Now, where would that come from?

You tell me, hot lips.

Will you stop trying to get a piece of the alimony?

It's just an innocent little smudge, that's all.

You know, I believe you.

How's that for lying?

You can imagine
anything you want,
but do me a favor.

Don't imagine them
in front of that
maid next door.

She's the fastest
mouth in the West.

Look, boss, I didn't mean it if I implied anything about last night,

but how do you want your eggs, poached, fried or raw?

Scrambled, like your head.

Morning, Lily. Morning.

Morning, dear.

Careful. Papa bear hasn't had his porridge yet.

Well, he did have
quite a night last night,
didn't you, dear?

Me? You're referring to me?

The way you were
talking in your sleep.

What about?

Didi.

Didi?

Imagine a guy dreaming in baby-talk.

l wasn't smiling, was I?

No.

Then what are you worried about?

He wasn't walking in his sleep last night, too, was he?

What happened?

She had her mouth open
and tripped over it.

That must've been
some dream.

But don't worry,
darling.

If you dream something, I can't hold it against you.

I'm not gonna answer that.

Just spare me the details.

You can tell me.

Oh, yeah, I remember.

I dreamt I found her.
It was a crazy dream.

It must have been
those awful headlines.

It must've been that awful chicken

I was served here at heartburn-a-go-go.

Do you want me to
make it again tonight?

She was here, here. Didi was here.

Where? Where?

Oh, not here, Daddy. At the hotel.

They almost caught her, but she got away.

Doris, go get your brother
and tell him to
finish his cocoa.

Larry. Come finish your cocoa!

I said get him.
Don't scream for him.

I could do that.

She's gone, huh?

Well, after last night,
at least

she could've
called and said goodbye.

Evidently
the dream wasn't
that good.

Hey, this has got a skin on it.

Why can't I have coffee?

Coffee? You wanna
stay awake in class?

[HORN HONKING]

There's your bus.

Bye, Dad. Oh! Bye, Mom.

Goodbye.

Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad.

Ah, ah, ah! Wait, wait,
your lunch. Quick.

Don't you take my seat by the window.

Why is it when
those kids leave
every morning

it's like taking off a tight girdle?

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Wasn't that the front door?

Could be.
It had a familiar ring.

Aren't you
going to answer it?

Me?

Look, let's get
something straight

about this
master-servant
relationship.

I am the master,
you are the slave.

Boy, what a chicken outfit.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

I know how she is,
but I don't know
what I'd do without her.

I'd like to find out.

We wanna see Mr. Meade.

Well, who will I say is calling?

Just get Mr. Meade.

Uh-huh.

Bet this is gonna be the type who starts yelling for his lawyer.

Or starts quoting
the Constitution
all wrong.

Two guys to see you, master.

Did they say who they were?

Look, I opened the door, didn't I?

Yeah, but you didn't keep going.

Mr. Meade?

Yes?

Police officers.

Oh, well, nice
of you to drop in.

How much are
the raffle tickets?

Recognize this?

What?

What does
it look like?

Like you lost
your lunch.

I mean the
phone number.

In lipstick.

Oh, I'm sorry,
it's not my brand.

You wanna tell us about it?

Hey, by George,
that is my number.

How did it get on an old bag?

REGAN: This was
no old bag.

We found it on
the dame's couch.

Dame's couch?

Oh, you're liable
to find my number
under every couch in town.

It's a tough racket,
real estate.

SCHWARTZ: This Didi broad,
the one who's missing.

She left it in
her hotel room.

A mysterious
stranger was seen

sneaking down
the back stairs.

Are you that
mysterious stranger?

Me? A stranger?
Don't be silly.

I'd know me anywhere.

Now, look, this is a very
important person
and she's missing.

She shows up here,
and then beats it,

leaving your phone number
under her couch?

We wanna know why.

Yeah, thought maybe
you could fill us in
on a few of the blanks.

Oh, not me.

The last time I did
that I got drafted.

Are you telling us you don't know this Didi?

Oh, that's not
a fair question.

After you've seen
one of her pictures,
you'd know her.

Okay, try this one.

What were you
doing last night,
say about 10:00?

10:00? 10:00.

Oh, yes, I remember. I remember I had a very rough day,

so I decided to
take a little walk,

you know,
to work off
a little tension.

My husband is telling the absolute truth, and I can verify it.

Besides, the whole thing is ridiculous.

Maybe some men are capable of such things,

but after 18 years, don't you think I know my own husband?

That's right.
Who knows a husband
better than his own wife?

I think this one's gonna be rough.

TOM: Now, just a minute.

Here it comes.

You two come
barging into my house,

making insinuations
in front of my wife

and casting doubts
on my unblemished

character before
the hired help.

I happen to be a law-abiding, upstanding member of this community,

and I consider your coming here and making me go through this

an unjustified
invasion of my secrecy...

Privacy.

You still haven't told us what she was doing with your phone number.

What are you getting at?

I'm in the real
estate business.

I sell plots, I don't dream them up. Maybe she saw one of my ads,

you know,
living room, bedroom,
three baths.

I think this has gone far enough.

You're coming here and saying these impossible things.

I agree. I don't see her with him.

What a pair, Didi and Dodo.

Well, sorry we bothered you.

We've got our jobs and...

Well, you understand this is a big star and a big glamourpuss.

Yeah. Big. Big.

Come on.

Imagine that, you and Didi.

Yeah... I mean, no.

[LAUGHS]

That'd be like
trying to lasso a tiger
with a wet noodle.

[LAUGHING]

Don't lose your head.

It's only a few
days till Halloween.

Well,
it's not that wild,
is it?

Oh, darling,
it just suddenly
struck me so funny.

Well, you don't
have to make it sound
like it's that impossible.

Just 'cause a lot
of water's flown
under the bridge

doesn't mean
the lake's dried up.

Oh, of course not, sweetheart.

Gloria Morgan
thinks I've still got it.

At our last cocktail party,
she trapped me
in the rumpus room

and wouldn't let me go
until I laid
a little kiss on her.

Well, don't let it go
to your head.

She drools over her cocker spaniel, too.

Oh, but I think you're wonderful, too.

Why don't you try trapping me in the rumpus room?

Oh, you haven't
kissed me like that
in a long time.

You haven't stepped
on my toe like that
in a long time.

Yeah, but it's not
easy getting a kiss
around here these days.

The kids take notes,
and Lily hands
us a critique.

You're right.

We don't ever seem to have any privacy anymore.

Yeah, you don't realize those kids

you used to bounce on your knee

have suddenly
turned into an audience.

Hey, why don't we chuck the whole thing out the window?

The children?The whole routine.
Right now.

Let's take off
for the lake.

I'll hang a little
sign on the office door,
"Gone Fishing."

What are you doing?

Just digging the bait.

Oh, sounds heavenly, but...

But what?

We haven't been
away together
for a long time,

and what a spot
to catch up
on togetherness.

But I've got so many things to do.

The children...

Lily'll feed them
and they'll have all
next week to recover.

Darling, but the Ladies Aid, I have to go to the hospital

and practice making beds.

Why don't we unmake a few?

What about Mildred's shower?

She's getting married,
she's old enough
to take it alone.

And the PTA this afternoon.

What about their big drive?

What about mine?

I'll work it out.

Hey, and take
the black nightgown.

The heater's
not connected yet.

I'll leave
a note for the kids,

just in case they
notice we're missing.

Yes, sir,
the new Tom Meade,
sportsman, lover.

Hey, I got one.

Come in here, you baby.

There it is. A round salmon.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Hello,Monsieur Tom Meade.
It is I, Didi.

Didi?

Hello. Hello,
Monsieur Tom Meade?

[SHUSHING]

[WHISPERING] Hello.

Oh, I hope you're
not angry with me.

Oh, no. Why'd you
have to call me?

I mean here?

I mean, it's nice
to hear from you.

Imagine, making waves
at his age.

I had to call you.
I'm in trouble.

You're in trouble?

You stay on this
line much longer

and we can start a club.
Where are you?

Well, like you told me,
there is no
phone in the cabin,

so I had to drive down all the way from the mountain to call.

Do you know what?

The stove doesn't
work and there's no gas.

How can I make breakfast?

Well, the stove
is butane and...

Breakfast?
Tomorrow morning?

In the cottage?

DIDI: But you're so nice,
you know,
and I hate to complain.

Oh, no, but look.
You can't.

I mean, she can't...

I mean, why do you
always have to think
about food?

I didn't send you
up there just to eat.

On an empty stomach, yet.

But I don't understand,
MonsieurTom Meade.

You were such a darling,
and now

you want me to go
without breakfast?

[WHISPERING]
I don't know
what I want. Yes, I do.

But you can't
hang around up there.

I've got other plans.

But I have no place to go, MonsieurTom Meade,

and you promised that
I could stay in
your place and...

Aren't you my
friend any longer?

Sure, you're my friend.

But if you stay
up there, you'll be
the only one I've got.

[FALTERING] All right then, I'll leave tomorrow morning,

if that's what you want.

No. No, you can't. It...

Look, you just stay put.
I'll be up there

and we'll make
some new plans.

No, no, MonsieurTom Meade.

No new plans, please.
See, I'm...

I'm still so
tired from yesterday
and last night

that I just
want to take a bath
and take a sleeping pill

and sleep until tomorrow.

No. No.

We've got to take care of something else that comes first.

That's keeping your
eye on the old ball,
Charlie.

Look, I'll be up
there in about an hour,

if I can tie up
a few loose ends

without getting
caught in them.

I'll give up two weeks salary if you'll have

a five-minute talk with my boyfriend.

Look, I've got
enough problems
without you.

Huh?

Uh-uh!

Better be nice to me, or I'll break your bicycle, speedy.

Speedy?

Say, were you that click
on the phone just now?

No, I was the gasp.

But you're clicking pretty good.

With your action, you ought to put in a French phone.

What do you mean?

Is it true that doctors recommend it for men over 35?

[WITH FAKE ACCENT] "Oh, I am so hungry..."

[MAKING KISSING SOUNDS]

Come here, will you?
You little live-in-FBI.

I'll have you know
I had nothing to
do with that gal.

Nothing? Well, I fed her.

Oh, with a spoon.

Oh, take it easy,
will you?

So, now you know
she's up there.

Now, I'll tell you,
I also invited Martha

to go up there
with me today, too.

Oh, tell me more, Solomon.

You want to get your money
out of that property,
don't you?

Yes.

You want to help me
get it off our hands
so I can dump it

on some other
unsuspecting jerk,
don't you?

Right.

Well, "Didi" is
the magic word.

And I'm gonna
need help.

The whole thing sounds underhanded, disgraceful and messy.

And you can count on me.

All packed, huh? Mmm-hmm.

Mmm. That presents a problem.

Problem? Was that
the call you just got?

What call? Oh, yeah, the phone.

That's right.

The phone call. How'd you guess?

Well, it was from a... A ranger.

I think he means
a stranger.

I do not. I mean a ranger.

It could be a strange ranger.

Maybe it was Tonto?

Why don't you get lost?

Somewhere in the Alps.

Why would a ranger be calling you?

Yeah. Yeah, well,
he was going by

the cottage and
guess what he saw?

No, don't guess. You're too good at that.

Tom, I don't know
what you're talking

about. I've never
seen you so upset.

Sure, I'm upset. It's the cottage.

And after all the plans we made.

Pow! The hot water boiler went, just like that. Pow!

And there's
busted pipes and water
all over the place.

I got to get up there.

There goes our weekend.

Oh, dear!

Well, not the whole weekend. I'll just get

on up there and clear away the mess and...

Well, we'll go up there Saturday, just like we planned.

I'm ready.
I could come
along and help.

Oh, no. I wouldn't let you.

Besides, I'll be in enough hot water all by myself.

Well, I guess
Saturday's better
than not at all.

And I do have PTA today.

Yeah, it's better to wait.

And besides, you just had your hair done.

I'll take your bag back.

What do you mean, "What?" Do a follow-up on this real estate man.

Just keep giving out news releases.

Dream them up. Anything, everything.

Okay, fine.

Good morning, D.G.

That's your opinion?

All right, now, how long is this going to keep on?

This kidnap, this foul play garbage?

D.G., this is
beautiful publicity.

For "beautiful publicity" I've got

a beautiful publicity department.

I want her!

Relax, my friend. Relax.

Give the star a chance
to be temperamental.

She'll come back.
She always does.

But as long
as she is gone,
let's take advantage.

Advantage?

Do you know how much your advantage is costing me?

$18,000 a day with a cast and crew

standing around and stages waiting.

But no more.

It's all your fault, Pepe.

If you didn't always get yourself

involved personally with these stars,

we wouldn't have
these problems.

So she ran out on you,
so you're going

to do something
about it. And now.

Wherever she is,
you go find her.

Do you want me to go after her?

You get the idea.

Well, I never stooped to going after her yet,

but if that's what you want...

That's what I want.

It's against my better judgment.

I know these cookies.

Now you get out there where
they spotted her and
check everybody out.

The grocer,
the butcher, the milkman,

and this real estate guy
they talk about in here.

What do we know about him?

Maybe he wrote
her a hot fan letter
that got to her.

Elizabeth, darling,
charter me a plane

to Rocky Point, Oregon.

I'm leaving at once.

All I ask is that someday they invent a way

we can make pictures without actors.

All I ask is
that she co-operate.

But not too much.

Pardon me. I need this more than you do.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hi, there.

Oh, Lily, would you be a dear and

just make dinner for the children tonight?

And be sure that they get to bed on time.

Well, Tom's up at the cottage, and

after the hours he's putting in up there,

I'm sure he'll be exhausted.

Yes, he'll be that.

So I thought I'd
go up and join him.

Join him? Up there?

Well, we'll be through here
in about half an hour,

which will give me plenty of time to put dinner on up there.

We'll be through here
in about 10 minutes.

Oh, good.

I just wanted you to know, Lily,

we may not feel like coming home tonight.

Yeah, I can see that.

Well, I think it'll be a nice change and sort of a surprise. Bye.

She's going to find
out there's a difference
between surprise and shock!

Hi. It's me, MonsieurTom Meade.

Whatever you're doing,
don't get up.

I don't believe it.

She must take a shower sometime.

Didi. Didi.

MademoiselleDidi.

Darling.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

Why don't you
get out of there

and slip
into something
less comfortable?

Oh, no. Sleep.

Didi wants to sleep
until tomorrow morning...

Put Didi to bed?

Yes... No, no.

Have you been
taking sleeping pills?

You have been
taking sleeping pills.

Sleeping pills.

Boy, what a setup.

Chicken delight
and big chicken.

Boy, if this was
one of your movies,
what would they do?

Well, we'd better forget that.

Here, let me help you.

You have another one,
don't you?

Another one?

Oh, I'm sorry.

MonsieurTom Meade,
but I want to sleep.

I could use a little help. Please.

This is no time to yell.

You got your
heavy underwear on?

MonsieurTom Meade.

MonsieurTom Meade.

I'll get the coffee.
I'll get...

I want to sleep.

It's a great way to travel. Get there fast, send for your kidneys later.

[LILY LAUGHING]

Sorry, fellas, but I'm doing a good deed.

Come on, now.

Just a little
down the throat.

Boy, and what a throat.

With sugar and cream,
s'il vous plait, monsieur.

Great. How about
some crepes suzettes?

Don't jump to
any conclusions.

I didn't come up
here to clean the place.

Why should you change your habits

just for me? What did you come up for?

With your schedule,
you're gonna have

to start
printing a timetable.

Martha's on her way.
So that's her?

Well, I'd recognize
her bubbles anywhere.

But what's she
doing like that?

Well, can't you see? She's rinsing out a few things.

Martha's on her way where?

I'd say to Reno by
way of this cottage.

Coming up here?

Oh, we gotta wake her up.

Yeah. Let her
advertise her movie
somewhere else.

She took a sleeping pill and she's out.

So are you
if you don't get
her out of here.

Wait a minute.

The trouble with
men is, they don't

understand what
makes a woman tick.

This one ticks like a time bomb.

Now, any woman who carries
sleeping pills,
has got to carry pep pills.

And here they are.

Oh, Lily,
I could almost kiss you.

I said almost.

She's not waking up.

Give her a little time.
She will.

Well, we got
to get her dressed
and out of here.

Quick, in the bedroom.

You take the safe half.

I don't think she has a safe half. Here.

Get over here.
Grab her. Now pull.
There you are.

There you are.
Now, bend over.

Grab her. There.
Now get her.

Now, we got her.
There we are.

Okay? Okay.
There you go.

We've got her. All right?

Aren't you gonna help?

I'd like to, but I've got a hangnail. All right.

What are you doing?

I'm steering. Don't give up.

Sleep!Give me a hand.

Don't press your luck. There.

Wipe her bubbles off and get something on her.

And once and for all,
I just want to tell you,

[HORN HONKING]no matter how it looks,
I'm really sick.

Lily, it's Martha.

Your time
schedule's off again.

Yeah. We got to hide Bubbles.

Here. Bend over.

There. Hold her. Wait. Wait a minute. Here.

Here, throw her out the window.

There you are.
That's it.

No, no, hold her.
Wait, I got...

Here, lay her right down. There you are.

Sleep, sleep.

She might think it funny
if she found me here, too.
See you.

Right.

Surprise.

Well, I'll be darned.
Martha!

I was just thinking of you.

I knew it. That's why I'm here.

Oh, you poor darling,
look at you.

You're all worn out and soaking wet.

Well, we almost
had a nasty accident.

Your wife is going to cook you a good dinner.

You want to cook dinner?
Oh, that'll be wonderful.

Come on,
right to the kitchen.

Right up.

You know,
I don't know any reason

why we have to
leave until tomorrow.

You don't? Oh, of course not.

But do you
think we should stay

with all the mess and everything?

First things first.
And the first thing

in order, I'm going
to fix us a nice drink.

A drink.

What's that?

Oh, that's just a bed.

But why is it down?

Well, that's the way it is. It goes up and down.

Were you planning on
sleeping here tonight?

Well, actually, I hadn't planned on it, but I thought maybe...

Maybe somehow
that I'd come up
and surprise you.

You guessed it. Mental telepathy.

No, it's not. It's that we're so well-suited to each other we think alike.

That's exactly
what I would have said
if I'd thought...

But leaving the kids
there with that
undomesticated domestic.

Lily's done it before and you know she's perfectly capable.

So, just relax.

Yeah, relax. You, too.

Whoops.

Oh, no.

Tom. Darling,
where did we
put the vermouth?

It's in the cabinet next to the refrigerator.

And you have to go to the village for ice.

Sleep.

Oh.

Oh, I remember.

I put it in
the bedroom closet.

In here?

Yes. Oh, there it is.

Oh, yeah, the vermouth.
Let me get it for

you. There you are.
There's the vermouth.

It's nice to have
a man around the house.

It's nice to have a woman.

It's nice to be alone.

You really think
we ought to stay?

I still think
the place isn't ready.

The back door doesn't close all the way.

You're liable to
wake up next to a bear.

Really? That's one
chance in a million.

Those are my odds, too.

Here we are.
Just the way you like it.

One dash of bitters.

Oh, great.

To my wife, the only girl in the house, the world.

That's sweet.

What was that?

That's a nervous bed.
It works by itself.

Say, how about that food? I'm famished.

Coming right up. All right, that's wonderful.

[GROANING]

Tom.

Huh?

Have I got
a surprise for you!

You've got a surprise?

Remember that
wonderful venison
you brought home last fall?

Venison? Oh,
yeah. Very good.
Very good.

How would you like it tonight with some candied yams and French peas?

French peas? That's...

I got a French tomato here.

Yeah. That'd be great. Great.

Practically on the fire.

Yeah, yeah.
That... Thank you.

Tom, how's your drink?

Darling, I have a little dividend for you.

Oh, you have?

Be right there.

Here we are.
Where's your glass?

It's right here.

Another little
blast can't hurt.

[MURMURING]

Oh, you're wonderful.

What was that?

That was me. You got me excited.

Keep the thought. Yeah.

What on earth are you doing with Larry's

skateboard? You want to hurt yourself?

I need the exercise.

I'm trying to
lose 110 pounds.

Hey, and speaking of Larry,

don't you think
we're kind of selfish?

I mean,
being up here all alone,

the two of us,
and leaving
the kids back there?

For goodness sake, Tom.

Of course we have an obligation to the children,

but aren't we entitled to be happy, too?

Happy? Yeah, let's dance.

What are you doing?

Well, you wanted
to be happy.

But not slaphappy.

If you don't like
the way I dance,
I'll do a solo.

Tom, I'm beginning to think you need more than a few days' rest.

Yeah, maybe I need a refill.

How about mixing
up a batch, huh?

Thank you.

Are you sure you
didn't have any of these
before I got here?

No, no, the altitude gives me a head start.

Well, after a good dinner,
you'll feel much better.

[SCREAMING]

What was that?

It sounded like
a woman screaming.

No, no.
It's a coyote.

[LAUGHS]

It's the mating season.

Well, it certainly sounded like a woman screaming to me.

Yeah, they do.

[WHIMPERING]

So, you see what I mean?
If we come up Saturday,

we won't have to
worry about the pipes
or the hot water or the...

Or the what?

Rats! Rats?

Rats. Oh, you dirty rat.

You dirty rat fink. I got him.

I got him. There you are.
Big as a moose.

There. I just hope
he doesn't come back
with his in-laws.

Oh, dear, those awful things.

We certainly will
wait until Saturday,

after we've had
an exterminator.

I'm not gonna
let you stay here

with those big
rats running around.

One bite and
you're a basket case.

You put that food away,
and we'll get going.

We gotta go home.

I'll get the traps
to keep the rats out.

[GROANING]

Oh, you!
Get away from me.

No, no.

No, you can't go in there.

Oh, yes, I can.

I just want to get my clothes and get out of here, you barbarian, you...

[SHUSHING]

No, my wife's in there.

Your wife?

Nobody brings their wife
to a place like this.

I know. I know. Now let me go!

No. Come here.

Let me go!
Let me go, you brute.

Let me go, you!

This is in
the interest of peace.

[SHOUTING]

[SHUSHING]

Let me go! Let me out, you...

Don't go away.

Let me out of here!

All ready? Good.

Oh, wait a minute.

I'm so glad I remembered.
Rats or not.

Rats or not what?

The drapes.

What about them? I've got to get
the measurements.

Measurements? Okay. Here you are.

36-24-36.

Are you all right?

Huh?

The drapes.

Oh, the drapes, yeah.

I'll get a pencil.

Let me out!

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

[SCREAMING]

I'm going to kill him.

52.5 by 76. That's it. Let's go.

Why are you trying to get me out of here in such a hurry?

Why am I trying to get you out of here in such a hurry?

I'm sorry,
but I asked you first.

I only want you to get home
before the rush hour.

Rush hour? In Rocky Point?

I mean,
I want you to get home

and rush
the children right over

to some friends for overnight, and then we can let Lily off,

and you and I can
have late dinner,
just the two of us.

And we can eat it
just like they
did in Tom Jones.

What's wrong with
a man loving his wife?

It could start a trend.

Oh, I'm not knocking it.
I like it. Only...

I'll be starting out in just a couple of minutes, right behind you.

[STAMMERING] So you drive
carefully and

don't worry about a thing.
Just take it easy.

[ENGINE LABORING]

I think it's flooded.

Flooded?

Flooded?

You've got to
have gas in the tank
before you can flood it.

You forgot
to fill it again.

Boy, if ever you
want to save money,

just give your wife
a gasoline credit card.

Be careful.

There's nothing to it.

It's just the trick
of not swallowing it.

Take the cap off.

Hold this.

I gotta go
fireproof my tonsils.

[COUGHING]

You just stay away
from me.

Don't you ever
touch me again.
You barbarian, you.

[DIDI SCREAMS]

No! No!

Put me down! Let go of me!

Tom, I have enough gas now, and I'm all ready to go.

Oh, don't you touch me, don't you come near me, you sex maniac.

Hi, Martha.

You're probably
wondering who that is.

Rats, huh? There's only one big rat around here.

Martha! Didi...

But, Martha,
wait a minute.

Let me explain.
You don't understand.

Didi! Didi!

You! No, not me. Not anymore.

You gotta talk to her.

I never talk to women.

You gotta. Please.

Just put
yourself in my position.

Like you're a man.
Well, you can try.

[CAR STARTING]

Listen, all I want you to do is go home with me and tell my wife

I didn't do anything.

Didn't do anything, huh?

And this and this is nothing?

All right,
you got mud on you,
and I'm sorry, but...

And you pushed
me under house and

I had spiders
crawling all
over my face.

You locked me
in the cellar and shoved me
down a mountain.

What do you think I am?
A stunt woman?

Uh-uh, uh...

Oh!

Hey, wait a minute. Hey, it's out of season.

Ooh!

Hey! Hey!

[SMASHING] Oh, you! Not even Pepe's like you.

Ow.

[DIDI EXCLAIMS]

Oh.

Oh, now look what
you have done to me.

Now I'm bleeding to death.

Are you really hurt?
Oh, well, I'm sorry.

You get away from me, you phoney-baloney, you liar, you.

You come nearer and I shoot.

Go ahead and shoot.

You've torpedoed
my marriage.

I have nothing
else to live for.

One step closer. I warn you.

Who cares?

You mean,
you're willing to die

just because that woman
who saw us
together was your wife?

Was. That's the word.

Oh...

You love her so much?

What're you gonna do?

Oh, but this is incredible. This is fantastic.

To be loved like this.

So beautiful.

Yeah.

Well, let's make it
real beautiful

and you just go
and tell her, huh?

Yes. Right away. Immediately.

BOY SCOUT 1: It's Didi. BOY SCOUT 2: What'd I tell you? I found her.

It's her,
the French bomber.

BOY SCOUT 3: Didi, I've seen her once in an adult picture only.

Hey, scram. Get out of here.

Go whittle a redwood.

Communists.

Those boys.
I've been recognized.

Now Pepe will find me.

Yeah, well,
what about my wife?

I'll write her a letter,
I promise.

A letter? Wait a minute.

That thing was loaded?

I wish I had time.
I'd faint.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Hey!

[BANGS]

Hey, Lily, what kind of a mood

was Martha in when she got home?

She was so mad at
you I couldn't tell.

Well, at least she still loves me enough to hate me.

Boy, you gotta help me. I'm in a spot.

The word is creek,
and you're not in it,
you're up it.

That's the man. That's the man.

Don't you know it's
not polite to point?

Mr. Meade,
the Scouts have
identified you

as having spent the afternoon with the broad, the actress,

up in the mountains.

I just flew up from Hollywood, Mr. Meade.

If you can tell us where we can find our star,

the studio and I would be extremely grateful,

if you know what I mean.

Yeah. All of a sudden,
there's no trace of her.

Well, I was with
her this afternoon.

You were? Then where is she?

Please, you're bending
my Adam's apple. Please.

Mr. Pepponi.
Mr. Pepponi. Easy.

Thanks a lot.

I don't know where she is.

She drove off in
her car somewhere.

Uh-huh.

But you see,
the Scouts were
down on the Lake Road,

and they only
saw one car go by.

Yours.

So you wouldn't mind driving up there

and pointing out the last place you saw her?

But she's not up there.
Sure, I mind.

Let's take your car.

Mr. Meade.

What was that all about, Mom?

Hey, what'd the police want with Dad?

Nothing. Nothing.

Please, go back
and do your homework.

That's all, son.

See, her car's gone. But look around.

Maybe you'll agree
that an investment

in this end of
the lake wouldn't be...

Well, I thought as
long as you're up here

on your business,
I'd bring up mine.

You don't mind us
taking a look around
for ourselves, do you?

No.

Hey! Hey!

Hey, one of the boys found this.

Is it anything?

A woman's scarf.

Where'd you find this?

BOY SCOUT: Floating
down there.

What were you doing?
Helping a little old
lady across the lake?

This is Didi's.

Show me
where you found it.
Come.

Why don't we all
have a look, Mr. Meade?

Yes, sir.

I found it right there.

SCHWARTZ: What's that?

It's an automobile aerial.

Could be a fishing pole.

Tire tracks!

No one in the car.

Oh, now wait a minute.

You don't think
that I, she...

Yes, we do think
that you, she.

Well, that's a lie.
We did not.

You did not what?

We did not, "l, she."

You gonna drag
the lake for her body?

I'll get on the radio.

We'll need a tow truck, skin divers, boats and grappling hooks.

We'll just take
a little return
to the scene

of the crime and you
tell us all about it.

This place looks like a battleground.

Yeah. What's been
going on here?

Well, my wife and I
like a place with
that lived-in look.

Yeah?

What's this gun doing here?

Oh, that.

You don't know
what you have
to go through

to sell
a place like this.

This thing's been fired recently.

Yeah. Very recently.

You shot her?

Oh, I did not.
It went off accidentally.

I was cleaning it
and I just happened

to leave one
shell in the chamber.

Well, two shells.

...where all
through the long night,

exhausted men have been
vainly dragging the lake,

and skin divers
are now probing
the cold, shuddering depths.

Somewhere down there lies
the lovely body
of the Divine Didi,

who bathed her way
to fame and fortune

and into the hearts
of movie audiences

throughout the world.

You can't go home
without a Didi photograph.

Thank you, sir.
That's 50 cents, sir.

Just a minute. I'll give you your change, sir. There you are.

All right, hurry, hurry.
We only have

a few left of
the Didi photographs.

But, Mommy, I want to go swimming.

You're not going swimming
with her in there.

All right, only a few choice items left.

Actual possessions from the home of the suspected murderer,

used by him in his everyday life

before he decided to become a sex killer.

Own his very necktie,
his ashtray,
his hammer, his saw,

possibly even the instrument he used to do the dastardly crime.

Ideal gift for weddings,
birthdays, Christmas...

Lily, how could you?

Listen, we're gonna need
every penny

we can get for that
last-minute appeal

to the Governor.

Oh, Lily!

Step right this way, folks.

Neckties, ashtrays, hammer...

How sad and tragic to think
she has taken her last bath

here in the waters
of Crystal Lake,

while only a few
yards from where I stand
is the love nest

to which her
love-crazed sweetheart

lured her and where,
even now,

the police are
wringing the sordid details

from a man who can
only be described
as bloodthirsty.

Look. Can I have a drink?
I'm thirsty.

First, where did you
hide that body?

Body? What body?

I never laid a hand
on anybody's body.

Why would I want to hurt her?

I barely knew her.

I mean, I hardly knew her.

You knew her all right.

Well enough to kill her.

You went berserk, right? Insane.

I'm as sane as you are.
Saner.

Please, can I have a drink of water?

We know you killed her
and disposed of the body.

You're a homicidal
mad-dog murderer.

Hey, I think they found her.

Easy, Joe. Easy.

She was so beautiful.
Such a tragedy.

Here she comes.

An old car seat.

SCHWARTZ: Who parked her car in the drink?

REGAN: You did.

Who saw her last? You did.

Who killed her? You did.

But I told you,
I wouldn't do
a thing like that.

Just because I
happened to be
out with her,

and I was
the last person who...

Oh.

Now, wait a minute.
You don't have
anything on me.

REGAN: No, but I think we got something on your rug.

What does that look like to you, Sean?

Blood. Fresh blood.

Her blood.

It's nothing.
She just cut herself

while we were
having our little fight.

Well, it wasn't
really a fight. It...

Oh, come on now, please.

How many more hours
are you gonna
go on like this?

Why would I want
to kill a woman?

Any woman?

I haven't even
murdered my maid.

You think you've
been through something?

Now you're really
gonna start to sweat.

If I'm gonna sweat,
can I at least
have a drink of water?

We know what you did.

You made that poor
girl fall in love
with you, didn't you?

Didn't you?

Why did you do it? Why?

But I didn't. I keep telling you and telling you. I didn't.

I phoned my wife
at the hotel and the
switchboard was drying out,

and the chicken
put me through
to the wrong number,

to her, to Didi.

You made her come all the way from Hollywood to plead with you

to do the right thing by her, the manly, the gentlemanly thing.

No, I didn't.

SCHWARTZ: You laughed at her.
You even put her up
in this love nest of yours.

REGAN: And she pleaded
with you, begged you,
but you wouldn't listen.

And when
she threatened
to tell your wife

and the world,
you killed her.

No, I didn't do it.
I wouldn't do it. No. No.

You carried her
down to the lake,
and you put her in a boat

and rowed out to deep water.

You made sure she'd
never be seen again.

First you tied
an anchor to her.

Then you threw her in.

It sank down.

And down and down and down.

She tried to get away,
but I caught her
and I choked her.

Then I hit her with a poker.

Then I stabbed her.

Then I tied rocks to
her and I threw her
in the lake,

the lake, the lake,
the lake.

One lake's enough.

Well, I guess that
wraps this one up.

Huh?

Did you get
the whole confession down?

Confession?
Confession to what?

For killing Didi,
you murderer.

All right, get him out of here.

Hey, he just confessed.

REPORTER: Hey, fellas. They got a confession.

Get out of here.

[CLAMORING]

LILY: Psst!

My husband is innocent.

Boy.

Wow, you really must've been brainwashed.

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

Okay, close the door now.

See that everything is done.

Meade! Meade!

Meade!

Meade!

Hey, did Meade come out here?

Meade? No.

Well, then he got away.
Come on.

Hey, he must've been
the one that

took the police car. What?

[CLAMORING]

What will they do to him?

They'll think
of something.
And so will I.

Attention, all units.

Attention. This is Lieutenant Schwartz.

Murder suspect Thomas Meade
has just escaped
Crystal Lake area.

All units advance with caution.

The stolen police car is heavily armed,

and Meade is
considered unbalanced,
cunning and dangerous.

At least he
didn't say homicidal.

And homicidal.

Car 17 proceed north to point O.

[SIREN WAILING]

Car 14 proceed south to intercept at intersection.

[SIREN WAILING]

What a way to feel wanted.

Throw a scare into him with a couple of tracers.

They think I don't
know how to shake 'em!

[BULLET WHIZZING]

They sure know
how to shake me.

[GUN FIRING]

[BULLET WHIZZING]

I got more fuzz on my tail than a French poodle.

[LAUGHING] Chase me, will you?

We've lost him. No, we didn't.

There are three
police cars following us.

Oh, no, you don't.

Hey, smoke bombs.

Oh, you happy
little smog-maker, you.

"To operate, hold firmly in throwing hand,

"then pull ring C and..."

Oh, darn tape.

"And throw. Throw at once."

At once, that's now!

Oh, boy, ceiling zero, and I'm not even up there.

Hey.

[WHISTLES]

[LAUGHING]

You're safe now.
Let's get out of town.

Huh?

You're going the wrong way.

I can't see.

[LILY LAUGHING CRAZILY]

Never been on instruments inside a car.

Hold that wheel.

Let's get out of here.

Boy, if I could only get rid of these canned clouds.

[DIDI HOWLING]

Who's that?

It is I, Didi.

Didi? Where are you?

I'm here.

Well, where's here,
or shouldn't I ask?

Hey, Didi, you're alive. Hey.

Hey, she's alive.

Stop shooting. She's right here. She's not dead.

She's okay!

[SIRENS WAILING]

SCHWARTZ: All right,
Meade, come on out of there
with your hands up.

REGAN: No monkey business.

Murderers we shoot to kill.

TOM: Okay.
I give up. I've had it.

Where's Lawrence Welk?

Okay. I give up. Don't shoot.

I'm clean, I tell you.

I know where she is.
You don't have to worry

about a thing.
Everything's fine.

Believe me, she's just... Oh, Tom, no.

Mrs. Meade, please, no.

Listen, lady, please. Please. Look, I got news for you.

Listen to me, will you?
She's right...

DIDI: No more bubble baths!

No more bubble baths!

Please, no more bubble baths!

PEPE: Didi.

Pepe. Pepe.

Never again,
no matter what
the producer says,

no more bubble baths
for my little wife.

Oh, Pepe.

[LILY LAUGHING]

If you're looking for
another bubble girl,
I'm ready.