Boy Band (2017) - full transcript
♪ When I page 9-1-1-that
means I need you now ♪
♪ So head outside now and
find the nearest payphone ♪
♪ 9-1-1 means I need you now ♪
♪ Girl, you're driving me crazy ♪
♪ Ooh girl, I knew it when I saw you ♪
♪ Ooh girl, that I was falling for you ♪
♪ I know you're playing
cool in the loo, so loo ♪
♪ But my MCI bill is through the roof ♪
♪ When I page 9-1-1 it
means I need you now ♪
♪ So head outside now and
find the nearest payphone ♪
♪ 9-1-1 means I need you now ♪
♪ Girl, you're driving me crazy ♪
♪ Girl you know I love you ♪
♪ There's no one above you ♪
♪ And I'm trying to make a
schedule to plan out my week ♪
♪ I'm working at the Rite Aid ♪
♪ Monday, Wednesday, Friday ♪
♪ But hit me back 'cause
maybe Thursday you're free ♪
♪ When I page 9-1-1 that
means I need you now ♪
♪ So head outside now and
find the nearest payphone ♪
♪ 9-1-1 means I need you now ♪
♪ Girl, you're driving me crazy ♪
♪ Girl, you know you're my girl ♪
♪ And I try to page you ♪
♪ Ooh when I page 9-1-1
that means I need you now ♪
♪ So head outside now and
find the nearest payphone ♪
♪ 9-1-1 means I need you now ♪
♪ Girl, you're driving me crazy ♪
- Three top 10 hits and a worldwide tour.
What is next for you
guys, buying an island?
- No way, we're headed
right back to the studio
and we're not leaving until
this next album is done.
- What about if the line was more like
♪ Girl don't tell your
parents 'bout the two of us ♪
That rhymes better with
♪ Hands on you in the
back of the school bus ♪
- It's gotta be don't tell
your parents about me.
She can say whatever
she wants about herself.
- Well it's about the two of us,
we can write the number two in the song.
- It's only cool if
you're replacing t-o-o,
it doesn't matter if you're replacing
the same fucking number.
- Can we just take it
from the bridge, Davy.
- My last kiss with
Debbie was on a bridge.
- We know, you say that every time
someone mentions the word bridge.
That happens a lot, we're making an album.
So just push the button,
it makes the music play.
- Yep bridge, coming up.
♪ I'm waiting for you
girl to text me or call ♪
♪ We can sneak off and chill
at the back of the mall ♪
- Ugh, see it steps on the whole concept
of sexy texting in algebra class.
It just, it sounds derivative.
- It wouldn't be derivative
if we mic the synth
with the Neuman 87, like I
been saying the whole time.
- The Neuman is a vocal mic.
- In this song the synth is the vocal.
- Oh, it's just the new guy.
- Yeah, it's just me.
Is Johnny here yet?
- No new guy, Johnny's not here.
If he was here do you think Henry
would still be rereading
this four month old copy
of Real Simple for the
1,000th time, you idiot.
- Oh is that the issue that tells you
how to organize candles?
- Yeah, it is that issue.
It tells you how to organize
candles in every issue.
We've been waiting on
you two hours Johnny.
♪ 9-1-1 means I need you now, girl ♪
- Sorry, shul ran late.
- If it happens every time
it's not running late.
It's just the way the stupid thing runs.
- He's here now Lance.
Can you stop with that stuff
and start making some music?
And I hate to keep being the bad boy,
but I'ma need you to get in
these cans and get on the mic.
- Sounds like a plan.
- No, we need you to get
into the mastering room
and go over the notes
from yesterday's session.
- That also sounds like a plan.
- Hey Davy, can you start with
the first verse of Encore?
- New Guy, can you just
hand back for a second,
let the original members
of the band handle this?
Davy, can you go to the
second verse of Encore
and then go back to the
verse right before that one?
♪ I think you thought the show was done ♪
♪ Grab your jackets you had fun ♪
♪ But we got a surprise in store ♪
♪ Before you head to the door ♪
♪ Do you wonder why
the lights stayed off ♪
♪ Or why none of your friends took off ♪
♪ Sitting here thinking ♪
- It's missing something.
- There's an opportunity
for some unique polyrhythms
on that sixth and seventh beat.
- You know there's a unique opportunity
for you to shut the fuck up, and it's now.
Johnny, what do you think?
Johnny?
What the hell Johnny?
- Hey I was looking at that!
- Since the untimely death
of Dr. Johnny M. Throbstein
his state of the art facility has been...
- Can you go a day
without googling yourself?
- No Henry, and I won't have to.
Because this album, this is the one.
I know the 16 years since our debut album
we've seen a decline in our popularity,
but this album put me right
back up where I belong.
- We belong.
- Where we belong, on
top of Google Mountain.
Up above Dr. Johnny M.
Geriatric, gastro-astronomogist.
- And Johnny Throbstein
And Sons funeral homes.
- What, Throbstein And Sons is above me?
- We're gonna get you
back to that spot Johnny,
we're so close.
- But to make that happen,
you got to focus up here.
Just a few more weeks, drop one last song.
But first, you got to put your phone away
and tell us your notes from yesterday.
- Uh guys, this guy says
he's your accountant and it's urgent.
- Okay, put him on speaker.
- Hello?
- Hey Mort, yeah could this wait?
We're getting a lot of great
progress done today and...
- Sure you are, I'll be quick.
I've got good news and bad news.
Start with the good news.
According to the latest issue
of Forbes out this week,
Heartthrob Boyz is worth 19 mil.
- Great, what's the bad news?
- You owe the IRS 20 mil.
- I'm sorry, are you saying
we don't have much money?
- You have so little money,
my wife wouldn't fuck you.
Let me put it this way.
Do you have any white babies to sell?
You got to finish this album
so you can get your bonus from the label.
- No problem Mort, we're
really cruising along here.
Just one more song before we finish.
- You've been really cruising
for 15 years, time's up guys.
- How many more weeks of studio
time do we have budget for?
- Today's the last day.
- Davy, Davy, you're a music guy right?
You haven't had to listen to
some mathy, math nerd right?
You're not gonna kick us out right?
You can have until 4:00 a.m.,
but after that the studio's booked.
- 12 hours!
- Dude chill out, you
can't rush greatness.
This album will be birthed when...
- Hey, I am broke and I am lonely.
If I have to tell my mother
I'm moving in with her
because the album I spend
the last 15 years on
is not happening, I wanna
kill, I wanna kill someone.
Probably three someones.
So let's get in there and finish.
Who's with me, huh?
- Hey Davy, tell me when you're rolling.
- You want this to go through
the LA2A or the Yeurig 1176?
- Uh, the first one I guess.
- I been tinkering with Two Hearts.
I think I've made it a little
bit more radio friendly.
- We've already got Two
Hearts in the bag man,
can we please just focus on Encore.
♪ Two hearts beating,
two hearts fleeting ♪
♪ Two hearts eating at my love ♪
♪ Two hearts conniving,
two hearts surviving ♪
♪ Two hearts driving in my car ♪
And cut there.
You guys like it.
- It's kind of repetitive no?
- Don't listen to New
Guy, it was so much better
than that sloppy opus
Henry pushed on last week.
- Hey.
- I was listening to the
radio on the drive over,
I think that's what's selling now.
What do you say Henry
puts down a rap over this.
- Uh, maybe this song doesn't need a rap.
- Every song needs a rap.
- Or you know, we could
bring on a guest vocalist,
that's pretty big now too.
- Why would you order Panda Express,
when you've got P.F. Chang's
sitting in your kitchen?
I want you to get in there
and put this jam over the top
with one of your sick flows
that you know how to do my neighbor.
- My neighbor?
- Yeah, you my neighbor.
♪ Two hearts conniving,
two hearts surviving ♪
♪ Two hearts driving in my car ♪
♪ Girl I noticed your
seatbelt isn't that stud ♪
♪ Maybe give it a tug
to make sure it's snug ♪
♪ If there's an accident,
it'll keep you safe ♪
♪ The belt should be on low,
tight around your waist ♪
♪ It needs to be worn correctly
to protect your brain ♪
♪ Girl don't put your arm
over the shoulder strap ♪
♪ Are you insane ♪
- That's It!
- Dude that was awesome.
- Killer homie.
- Now it's starting to sound like a hit.
Davy, hit us with the playback.
- I don't know why, but
my monitor signal is weak.
As weak as the fight I put
up in my battle for custody.
- Dude, did you get the take or not?
- Yes, yeah I sure did.
But you know what, there is a plate reverb
backfiring and I've got
some spare triple E1394s
that I'm gonna have to reroute.
- So for Encore, I really feel like
we need to get rid of that bridge.
It's kind of ruining the
song and it's very boring.
- No, my bridge is the only part
that's musically revolutionary at all.
- Is Top 40 radio desperate for a bunch of
jushed up jazz chords?
'Cause if they are, I didn't get the memo.
- Guys, did you know that...
- Band meeting, original members only.
- Sorry, I'm just looking
for a lil truth in music.
- So like Backstreet?
- No, I mean a band with a message.
- Like New Kids?
- No, I'm saying we need
to dig deep and explore
our evolving genre's
serious musical roots,
like the Monkees.
- You pretentious piece of shit.
- We could be like that,
we could be something more.
- All right look, the only
way to make sure a song works,
is if it makes them panties drop, right?
So why don't I call Tina.
- No!
- Leave Tina out of this.
We can solve this within the band.
- Um, track one.
♪ I'm going out today ♪
♪ Fuck party USA ♪
♪ I'm gonna have some fun ♪
♪ And before I'm gone,
I'm gonna fuck someone ♪
♪ Should I go bro, what'd do you say ♪
♪ Is it a fuck party all the way ♪
♪ Will there be poon and
tits and lots of dicks ♪
♪ And can you promise me everyone there ♪
♪ Will find something to fuck ♪
♪ I'm going out today ♪
♪ Fuck party U ♪
- There's a brilliant musician
somewhere in you Johnny.
Can you please let him write
something that matters?
- Wait.
Are you saying this is a miss?
I put this song first
because it's a message song.
It's about the worst
day of my entire life.
- The worse day of your life
was about going to a fuck party?
- Ugh.
Oh my.
Are you even listening to the lyrics?
No, the song is about the
journey of life itself.
And more specifically, the
journey when Tall Jason
invited me to a fuck
party and I went with him.
And when I arrived, it
wasn't a fuck party at all.
There was no one to fuck, all right.
♪ Now I'm here and there's nobody ♪
♪ Nobody at the fuck party ♪
♪ How can you call this a fuck party ♪
♪ When there's no one at the fuck party ♪
- Raw truth, emotional honesty,
and has the power to be a hit.
New Guy, hit one of the Henry's rapsies
that no ones ever gonna hear.
- Which track?
- Love Alphabet please.
♪ You, you fit me to a T ♪
♪ So here's an IOU ♪
♪ I sometimes wonder why ♪
♪ Oh why when I see you ♪
- Oh my god did you guys hear that?
I think that was raccoons
being strangled in the ducts.
No, it's your song.
- Maybe we should just start
all over with the whole album.
- No!
- Look, right now this album
has a little something for everyone.
And 15 years is long enough
to be working on one album.
All we need is a title track,
so let's not lose sight
of that, okay guys?
- You can share your songs to the world,
and I can share mine, we
can get our bonus millions
and get out of this God forsaken studio.
- Is this the verse or the chorus?
- Both, here I was thinking
something more like this, look.
- Ugh, good God, no.
- There's something I
really like about how...
- No there isn't.
This is the title track guys,
that stuff sounds like a single.
Johnny, show 'em.
- Singles can be complicated
and musically interesting.
- No, they can't.
In fact I want to propose
a six chord limit.
- And I want to propose
a 25 chord minimum.
- Maybe less is more.
- More is more.
- Okay, song off.
Most popular complicated songs, Henry go.
- MacArthur Park.
- Yeah, I want to be the guy
responsible for MacArthur Park,
when there's three chord
masterpieces out there
like Rock Around The Clock,
Knockin' On Heaven's Door,
Walking On Sunshine.
- What about Autumn Almanac
by the Kinks, right.
That's a very intricate structure
and I believe in Europe
that it charted as...
- If you have to tell us
how high it went in Europe,
it's a shitty song.
- All right, truth is you don't even need
three chords to make a hit.
There's two chord brilliance,
like Walk On The Wild Side,
or Horse With No Name.
- Ugh, if you guys want
simple music, okay.
And every one of those songs you mentioned
has something else going for it.
And it's something we've all been
too scared to mention to you.
Johnny you haven't written two lines
of worthwhile lyrics in 15 years.
Without that, we're not
gonna have another hit,
no matter how catchy the music is.
- But, but Fuck Party USA.
- Henry's right.
- Yeah well congratulations.
Tell your new lead singer
I'm outta here, I quit.
- Where you going Johnny, we need you?
- I'm getting really tired of the burden
of being the bad boy in this band.
- Stop calling yourself that!
You're like a soft vegan teddy bear,
no one thinks of you as the bad boy!
- I thought I'd find you here.
- 'Cause I've been
texting you I'd be here.
- No, it's just a feeling I had.
So, Henry said the silliest thing today.
He was all, "You haven't
written worthwhile lyrics
"in 15 years and we're never gonna have
"another hit song until you do."
Have you ever heard
anything so ridiculous?
I said have you ever heard
anything so ridiculous?
Tina, have you ever heard
anything so ridiculous?
Have you ever heard
anything so preposterous
from another human Tina?
Oh great, you're taking his
side, of course you are.
- Do you remember that
time I walked in on you
having sex with that guy and that woman
and the other guy and the other woman
and that horse and that kugel
and that Japanese Peace Lilly
and that 2004 calender
of Ansel Adams photos?
- The time with the cinnamon raisin kugel.
- No, the potato kugel.
- Oh yeah.
- And we sat down and we
talked and you told me
that it was an accident.
- It probably was.
- I know who I married, I'm
not trying to change you,
all I really need is honesty.
People love honesty.
And they turn to musicians
to give it to them.
- This is the shittiest painting
I've ever seen in my life.
- Have you ever been arrested?
- No.
- Punched a fan?
- Heaven's no.
- Owned a motorcycle?
- Absolutely not.
- Shot an endangered species,
blown coke off a hooker,
blowed a load onto a hooker,
pissed on a national monument,
gone a three day meth binge
with a member of Sly & The Family Stone,
or even ever been late to
anything you've ever done?
- No, no, no, no, no, no, and yes.
- Really?
- Yeah, the day my godson was born,
I was late to our show in Cleveland.
- That's right, I forgot about that.
You unprofessional piece of garbage.
Henry, by any sane person's measurement,
you're not the bad boy of this group.
- Well according to Teen
Scream, I am.
- Yes I remember this, from 2001,
when the racist editors of
every teeny bopper magazine
thought every black kid was a bad boy.
The month before this,
their bad boy was Urkel.
- To be fair, he did do a lot of damage
to the Winslow household.
- You don't have to steal
stuff to be a bad boy.
Or rode around on a motorcycle.
You just have to be that
one member of the band
that stands up to the lead singer
while the others act
like a bunch of cowards.
- Oh congratulations, your honesty
has broken up the Heartthrob Boyz.
- Have faith in Johnny, he'll come around.
- It doesn't make any sense,
I'm honest with my songs.
When I had my heart broken,
because you didn't want me
to also start sleeping with your mother,
I wrote Two Hearts, about
how guys should be allowed
to sleep with mothers and daughters.
- That's what's that's about?
- Obviously, so?
- No.
- Right, in Fire Of Love,
about when I got that...
- We.
- Fine, when we got that STD.
I felt like my penis was really on fire,
so I turned it into a song.
- You're talking about
your surface again Johnny.
- No, it burned inside the shaft as well.
- I know there's like
something deeper in there.
- People don't want deeper.
- You just have to write
a super catchy song
that actually speaks to people's souls
and you'll be a total legend.
- What if there isn't anything deeper?
What if I'm all surface?
- I know it's in there, maybe
this will help get it out.
- A kiss?
- No, it's what I put in
your hand before the kiss.
- Ooh drugs, that's great.
What am I looking at here?
- More like what aren't you looking at.
Just make sure you take the blue ones
before the red ones after
the small white ones...
- Yeah, yeah, I know drugs Tina.
- The big white
ones then the blue gel.
- Yeah.
- Okay, one day left.
Ha, how about a little word association
to get the lyrics flowing?
- Great idea, love.
- Pickle.
- Maybe, maybe.
♪ Gonna give you a tickle
with my love pickle ♪
- It's not that sexy.
- Johnny you're back, thank God!
- What did I miss?
- So is the band back together?
- I can't do it without you guys.
Now excuse me while I go sit
alone in a room and write.
I got something I gotta say
and I gotta figure out what that is.
♪ I can spend five long
years in analysis ♪
♪ Getting pissed at a therapist ♪
♪ Writing letters not to send to my mom ♪
♪ Or I can peek in my soul
with the help of drugs ♪
♪ Get in a fight with my rug ♪
♪ Think I'm crawling with bugs ♪
♪ Take a dump on my rug ♪
♪ Make love to my rug ♪
♪ Then write a brilliant hit song ♪
♪ I just want to take a peek inside ♪
♪ And if I solved all my problems ♪
♪ I'd run out of things to write ♪
♪ So I'm dealing with feeling
so real that I'm reeling ♪
♪ And it's all thanks to some drugs ♪
♪ Squeal at the ceiling ♪
♪ And keeled over kneeling ♪
♪ I think I found love ♪
♪ Here with you rug ♪
♪ And it's all thanks to
dealing with feelings ♪
♪ Digging up feelings
I've successfully buried ♪
♪ My mind is hairy,
things are getting scary ♪
♪ There's no time to tarry ♪
♪ Oh shit rug let's get married ♪
♪ Want to shag for the rest of my life ♪
♪ Maybe I took too much drugs ♪
♪ I'm feeling weak ♪
♪ But rug I'm down on my knees ♪
♪ And you're filled with my seed ♪
♪ So I think legally,
at least in Tennessee ♪
♪ We're already man and wife ♪
♪ Maybe I should call an ambulance ♪
♪ No, ambulances are for pussies ♪
♪ So I'm dealing with feelings ♪
♪ So real that I'm reeling ♪
♪ Boy, oh my God ♪
God, oh help.
Fuck.
- How dead?
- He seems pretty dead.
- Shit.
- Shit.
- Fuck.
- Better call a Morgue.
- No, I just got a place in Amsterdam,
I haven't been to yet, okay.
I'm not losing it, we're not giving up.
Grab a leg.
- You really
think this is gonna work?
- Of course it's work, it's
like a music defibrillator.
And if it doesn't work,
no harm done, right?
Davy, you think you can get enough juice?
- You bet, we're gonna
reroute through the mixer,
double up watts on the half stack,
kick on the overdrive and
we will be pulling off
a full on reverse Keith Relf.
- Who?
- Member of the Yardbirds, got
electrocuted in the basement.
- Okay, stand back.
- Oh my god.
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
All right, so option one did not work.
- What so you mean option one.
How many ways do you think there are
to bring someone back from the dead?
- I don't know, eight?
- He's dead, we need to call Tina,
we need to call his folks,
and figure out what we're
gonna do with this album.
- Guys, I was thinking.
- Not now New Guy, we just lost
an original member of the band okay.
So whatever you have to say, shut it.
- What if we take the digital
recordings of Johnny's vocals
and rework them into new tracks.
We have all this raw material
that no one's ever heard before
and Davy's a genius who can do anything,
so why don't we just...
- That's it.
- See.
- No, not what you said, that was stupid.
The thought I had when you
were saying your dumb idea.
We cyborg him.
- I'm sorry?
- Yeah, New Guy even said it himself.
Davy is a genius, he can do anything.
All we gotta do is rip
away some pieces of flesh
and replace it with like
robotic metal pieces
that will eventually fuse itself into like
a nuclear fusion cell
running on cyborg power.
- Lance, I know you're upset
about losing your friend.
No one wants Johnny back as much as I do,
at least I thought I didn't until you said
all that weird shit you just said, but...
- I am not losing Johnny.
We are not losing Johnny.
I'm gonna march back in there
and tell Davy we're cyborging him.
- No, what you're talking
about is morally repugnant
and we're holding a Heartthrob hearing.
- You wouldn't dare.
- It's done.
You're for it, I'm against it,
and Johnny's not around to decide.
We have to hold a hearing
and New Guy gets a vote.
- New Guy never gets a vote.
- He does today.
Johnny was our friend, he
was wonderful and flawed
and he died too young, but
bringing him back as a cyborg
is stupid and insane and it won't work.
- Objection, speculation.
- Sustained.
- Guys you all agreed with
me, that what was missing
from Johnny's music was his humanity.
How will bringing him back
as a half robot solve our problem?
Since robots don't have feelings.
- Objection, misleading.
C-3PO, Marvin, WALL-E, Johnny 5.
- Sustained, robots can
feel, everyone knows that.
- We have to call his parents
and tell them he is dead.
What we don't need to do is
chop him up into little pieces
so he'll be reassembled as a
monstrous half human Automaton.
I guess I rest my case.
Oh my god.
- Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
it's a sad state of affairs in our nation
when the force of bigotry and hate
override the notions
of progress and light.
Oh, you'll let them make you coffee,
let them vacuum your rug day in, day out,
let them make you cars.
- Those are normal service robots.
- Precisely, and it's fine
with you if they exist
as long as they stay in
their place and serve you.
I remember a time in this country
when young children who were half black
and half white was seen as
heinous in polite society.
- Lance, if you even try
to make this argument.
- Henry here, clearly thinks
that like the black people
of the last century,
robots should be treated
like second class citizens.
That he himself would never fraternize
with a robo-mulatto.
- Objection.
- On what grounds?
- On the grounds I'ma break
my hand off in his goddamn face.
- Sustained.
- Fine, I call Davy to the stand.
How long have you been
working with electronics?
- About 48 years.
- And this would be your
first cyborg making?
- No.
- How many cyborgs have you made?
- Uh six.
- What?
- Three petbots, two
sexbots, one toaster bot,
well the toaster bot doubled as a sex bot,
but you know I'm gonna say six sex bots.
- I mean that's incredible.
And how many of these creatures
were made from reanimated humans?
- Uh none, it's not possible.
- But if you did it...
- It ain't possible.
I want to do it just to show
robo racist Henry what's what,
but I don't have that kind of power.
- Wow, I am more intrigued
and way more creeped out
by the guy who's been running our sound
for the past 15 years.
I'm forced to rule in Henry's favor.
- Yes.
- We will not by cyborging Johnny.
- So what are we
gonna do with him then?
- It's Tina, she's gonna
be here in five minutes.
- Shit, shit, she can't see this.
♪ Gimme, gimme, gimme,
gimme, one more chance ♪
♪ To love you ♪
♪ Gimme, gimme, gimme,
gimme, one more chance ♪
♪ 'Cause my heart won't tell me no ♪
♪ Gimme, gimme, gimme,
gimme, one more chance ♪
♪ To love you ♪
♪ Gimme, gimme, gimme,
gimme, one more chance ♪
♪ And I'll give you that last smile ♪
♪ Gimme, gimme, gimme,
gimme, one more chance ♪
♪ To love you ♪
♪ Gimme, gimme, gimme,
gimme, one more chance ♪
♪ 'Cause my heart won't tell me now ♪
♪ Gimme, gimme, gimme,
gimme, one more chance ♪
♪ To love you ♪
- Oh, hi Tina.
- Ugh, is Johnny dead?
- Uh, yes.
- We're very sorry for your loss.
- Well don't just stand
there, let's bring him back.
- Do what?
- Musicians are so selfish,
you were just gonna let him stay dead?
- Well, I mean, we assumed.
- Don't you know what they
say about assuming Henry,
it makes an ass out of you and ming.
- Who is Ming?
- Some ass my cousin married.
- So have you ever actually
brought someone back before?
- A member of my yoga class
knows a guy in Moran whose done it.
- Let's just say for a moment,
that's not the stupidest thing
anyone's ever said before.
- Well you guys just Weekend At Bernie's
your lead singer to trick his wife
to think he's still alive,
so I would hold onto
that stupidest thing ever comment
for a while if I were you, okay?
- Good point, so what do we do?
- It's research time.
- What do you
mean, Google things?
- Like I said research,
how do you do research?
You sit in a library with a
thumb up your ass, you idiot?
- You tell the newbie, boom.
- Try typing how do you bring
a person back from the dead.
- Whoa, 164 million results.
JC writes, "Does anyone know
"how to bring a person
back from the dead?"
And, "Yeah, I want to know that too."
"Bump, motherfucking
dead, LOL, kill yourself."
That's not helpful.
- What do you want on your pizza?
- Is there a menu?
- Menu, it's pizza.
- I like to know my options.
- I'm the menu.
I have anchovies, I have pepperoni,
I have sausage, I have olives.
- Do you have sun-dried tomatoes?
- I'll find the menu.
- Thank you.
- Hey everyone this is Kevin,
this is another episode
of Supernatural DIY.
I been getting a lot of requests on
how to bring someone back from the dead.
And today's episode, we're
gonna show you how to do that.
This is a corpse, this is in my garage,
but before we get to that,
- Oh my god this is so boring.
Get to the good stuff.
- If you was following
me on Twitter last week,
I'm really sorry about
everything that happened.
- Wait go back a little,
I think you missed something.
- But when you come back
outta that, you get to...
So now I'm 'bout to
bring him back to life,
but, but before that, I
want to give a shout out
to Mail Chimp, they have
a promo code of XE5534.
- You got a menu?
- No, much better, it's a quiz.
Are you dating a bad boy?
- Hmm, and if you're dating me,
then you definitely are dating a bad boy.
- Clearly, first question.
Does your man put down the toilet seat
for you after he pees?
Oh, I bet you do, I'm marking that.
- No, I pee sitting down,
so it's already down after I get up.
- That's like 10.
- No, but the answer
is I do not put it down
after I pee, next question.
- And as you can see,
rigor mortis is really
starting to set in right now,
but by the way if you go to Squarespace
and they build beautiful website,
don't forget to like the video,
it should be popping up
down there somewhere.
I'm on all the social media
site, Twitter, Instagram,
Friendster, you can fleek me there,
I'm on Myspace, you can blump.
- How often does your man call his mother?
Once a day, once a week,
once a month, or once a year?
- Never, oh phones are so impersonal.
I bought her a house
right next door to mine
after she broke her hip.
So now when we catch up,
we do it over primrose
tea in the evenings.
Bad boy for life dude.
- Dammit, this is a three minute video,
where's the six seconds that
tells you how to do the thing?
- So is Johnny alive yet or what?
- No.
- This is ridic, the
internet's full of idiots
who don't know what they're doing
trying to tell us what to do.
We might to actually go
to a library or something.
- No, no, no, look, we've
all seen a dozen movies
where they brought people back to life,
it's always the same thing.
Get some dim lights,
throw some skulls around,
get some incense, say some
shit that rhymes, right?
Do I have to do everything myself?
♪ Hey, we shall make them witch ♪
♪ Hey, we shall make a witch ♪
♪ Hey, we shall make them witch ♪
♪ Hey, we shall make them witch ♪
- God's of darkness hear our plea,
bring Johnny Throbstein back to me.
- Zombies are scary, mummies are mean,
somebody farted, I think it was me.
- Crystal balls and Ouija time.
- Call to souls and death refine.
- Should he be in here,
like holding hands with us or something?
- No, he's fine.
- Hallow by death, hallow by birth,
there's no way in heck
this malarkey works.
- Hallowed by...
- Shut up, we already did
the hallowed thing all right.
- Fine, okay, how 'bout
wandering soul beneath empty skies,
twigs turn worn from ancient cries.
Heaven's now forsaken Johnny
Throbstein won't you wake him.
- Hello?
- Johnny?
- Rug, is that you?
- No, it's not a rug, it's Lance.
You're a disembodied spirit.
- Where are you?
- It looks
like ghastly creatures.
- Gulp, oh my god did you win up in Hell?
- No, I'm in a waiting room
watching the Jennifer Love
Hewitt vehicle Ghastly Creatures.
- It's no heart breakers.
- Tina?
- Johnny, you gotta
come back to your body.
- No, I'm dead.
I tried to go and write
from an honest place,
but somehow the 30 pills
you gave me didn't help.
- What, do you guys like not understand
what's going on here?
Think of how good Nikki Sixx's stuff got
after two minutes of being dead.
My Johnny's been dead two hours,
so quit playing the blame game
and help me get him back.
- Johnny, you got more
work to do here on earth.
- Uh do I, I'm not so sure.
- Yeah, we really miss you.
- Who said that?
- What, seriously!
- Hey, he's a selfish
prick and always has been.
We got to speak his language.
Johnny, if you stay dead
do you know how you're
gonna be remembered?
- Uh, as a sex symbol?
- Nope.
- A pop icon?
- Nope.
- Fine, the lead singer
of the sixth most popular
boy band in the 90s?
- No Johnny, the answer is you
won't be remembered at all.
You'll be a one hit wonder that shows up
on internet clickbait
for the next five years,
until eventually everyone
forgets you ever existed.
- Sorry, he's right.
We're giving you the chance to come back
and make yourself the
legend you were born to be.
- Or failing that, at least
you're in a second career
as a judge on a network
singing talent show.
But the choice is yours.
(everyone laughing_
- Yay, yeah!
- No love, is it 'cause I'm the undead?
- Just a lil bit.
- Get in here, come on.
Hey guess what, we've got an album to,
okay good enough.
We've got an album to finish, let's do it.
- Yes.
- Oh, good to have you
back Johnny Throbstein.
- Thanks baby.
- Tina, oh, so glad you
were here, what a blessing.
Now if you could just at-da,
we'd get some real work
done, okay thanks a lot.
- Maybe I can help you guys.
- Ugh, I told you she
was gonna be a total...
- Okay now that's racist.
Um, we just don't need you,
you know Linda McCarthying
up our process right now.
- You guys, the afterlife was so choice.
Everyone I ever loved and lost was there.
And guess what they told me.
- Hey, if it's not the chord
progression for our next hit,
save it for the Rolling Stone
interview, all right buddy.
You got it.
- Yeah.
- Hey, and you guys, thanks
for never giving up on me.
- I did a little bit.
- Hey, I just realized something.
This is my encore.
It's an encore of life.
That's what the song
Encore should be about.
Not about teaching kids
about concert encores.
♪ We need an encore
'cause we can't give up ♪
♪ We need an encore
'cause we won't give up ♪
- Well you can't write
won't give up with itself,
but it's a great start,
we're back on track.
- Oh my god, Goldie's dead.
- We're not gonna do another
seance, just flush him.
- He was alive this morning.
- We'll dedicate a track to
him and the 46 other goldfish
who died in the process
of making this album.
Now enough about the fish,
let's get back to work.
- But still.
- Now, when I was in the nether
reaches of the afterworld,
I kept hearing this awesome backing vocal.
- Mm-hmm.
- I want you guys to try 'em.
I think they're catchy as hell.
♪ Uh, uh ♪
- Are these the last ps of
the undead made audible?
- They might be.
Hey Davy, how 'bout laying down
a sweet drum track on this one?
- You mean like live drumming?
- What no, like a vintage drum machine.
You know like from the
late 80s or whatever.
- Oh okay, I got one in the garage.
I'll go find it.
- Okay, we'll work on the backing vocals
and when you get back
I'll punch in the drums.
- Naw, naw, I'll just punch
'em in like I always do.
- Yeah, we don't have time for this.
New Guy fine, make me the bad boy again.
- Bad guy, the phrase is bad guy.
- Same diff, you can't
play the drum machine.
- Uh very funny, more
haze the newbie crap.
But you're not gonna tell
me what I can and can't do.
- It's not that we won't
let you play drum machine,
you don't know how to
play the drum machine.
- Excuse me, but I played
all the drum machine
on the first album so.
- No you didn't.
We recorded over all your drum parts
in the mastering session, so
you'd feel less like a newbie
and more like a member of the band newbie.
- Don't take it so bad.
A lot of musicians couldn't
play their own instruments.
Ultimately they end up disgraced
on the cover of People magazine,
and take their own life.
- Yeah.
Oh, the pizza's here, thank God.
- Can you hold this?
Hey Johnny, explain it to him.
- You got cash for this right?
- Oh no, let me go ask the guys.
- No, no, no, it'll be fine.
I'll just turn on the old cute one charm,
she'll be paying us before it's done.
Hey girl.
- $47.50.
- Hey girl, bad news is I don't
have any cash in my pocket.
Good news is, you can look for yourself,
see if you find anything you like.
- Uh Lance, I think on this
one, you should just...
- Seriously right now,
you're ruining my vibe.
- Um.
- Hey, it would be a good story for you.
It's not every day you get to
deliver pizza to a celebrity.
- Uh listen to your pal buddy,
you're whacking at the wrong bush okay?
- Do you not recognize me?
We're members one of the most famous
international boy band,
that's all, Heartthrob Boyz.
Hold on, how 'bout this?
♪ Oh, oh yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, all right ♪
- Is this doing anything for you?
♪ I was gonna fix that amp ♪
♪ I was gonna learn to sew ♪
♪ When I did I give up on that ♪
♪ Silk screen printing business idea ♪
♪ Can it be so long ago ♪
♪ A garage is the life
sized scrapbook of failure ♪
♪ I'm just a beat down man ♪
♪ With unused racquetball paraphernalia ♪
♪ From a marriage to my stamp
collecting I'm a failure ♪
♪ I can't even think of another
word to rhyme with failure ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm such a failure, a failure ♪
♪ A garage is my life sized
scrapbook of failure ♪
- If you ever need proof
that you're not the cute one
anymore, you just got it.
- Have you seen
her, short hair, man pants,
she clearly likes tough guys.
- Well, now that you need a
bad boy, time to call Henry.
I get it, okay, let me get to work.
Hey, I bet you put a lot of
miles on your car delivering?
Tell me, do you get paid the IRS mandated
57 cents per mile or...
- I actually drive a company car,
so it's not actually my money.
And speaking of money, pay
me for my goddamn pizza.
I don't know if you noticed,
but it's pretty messed up out there okay.
- Yeah, I got you.
- You're my last delivery
and I just wanna get home
and hide away from the world, so.
- Own or rent?, cause I hate to say it,
but I think you might have
missed your opportunity
to buy at the market rate.
- Stop it, stop it.
Bad boys don't talk about
home ownership concerns.
- Boys this is, is that what he was doing?
- Yeah, he thinks he's the band's bad boy.
Unbelievable right?
- Oh no, no, no, no, no.
- Well it's not like she
responded to you any better.
So you're obviously not the cute one.
- Wait, chubs is the cute one?
- Hey just settle something for us okay?
- Yeah.
- Which one are you more attracted to?
- Hold on.
- Which one of you has a vagina?
- Oh, I knew something was up.
Or else she would have
found me irresistible.
- I'm lesbian, I'm not blind,
you're just not cute.
And you, I've seen birds on the shoulders
of Disney princesses who are
more threatening than you.
- I don't have any money, but if I did,
it would definitely come out of your tip.
- Oh my god, oh my god.
- Breaking news,
we've got exclusive footage
of the adorable squirrel that is taking
the internet by storm.
- But first, breaking news.
A global computer malfunction
is causing massive damage worldwide.
Including accidental
nuclear missile launches,
which have started an all out war
between India and Pakistan.
Airplanes falling from
the sky over Europe,
self driving cars colliding in England,
and here in the US, there are even reports
of Cabbage patch Kids rising
up against their owners.
- Well fortunately the only people
that still own Cabbage Patch
Kids are weirdo 40 year olds
who can't let go of their childhoods,
so no big loss there.
But wow, that other shit sounds super bad.
- Yes, it does.
- You know what, let's take a look
at that squirrel video again.
I think we've got that, just
cue that up would you Rick.
- I don't know 'bout you guys,
but I'm gonna root for India.
I mean if I can't have
lamb saag, I'm gonna freak.
- The more things change.
- What, a nuclear war has broken out
over 25% of the world population.
- I guess the remaining 82% of us
are just gonna have to keep on
keeping on, right compadres?
- I got to text the ashram,
see if everybody's okay.
- Tina, dudes, pizza woman.
- It's Janet, and somebody
still owes me $47.50.
- Guys, things are out of control,
we need to focus on what we can do.
Oh my god that's a great lyric.
♪ Some things are outta control ♪
♪ We need to focus on what we can do ♪
♪ Like avoiding bad tacos ♪
No, that's terrible.
Well, let's get back in the
studio and finish this thing.
Guys, I didn't come back from the dead
so I can watch the news.
I can back to play some music.
And we've got half a
day to finish this thing
and well, I'm not gonna give up.
New Guy come on, I'm gonna teach you
how to play drum machine.
- Wow, you really
do believe in me, huh Johnny?
- Hell yeah I do man.
Watch what I do.
Now you try it.
- It's no use.
- New Guy, it's like Johnny
Throbstein always says,
starting 15 minutes ago, never give up.
- Hey can I use my
thumb and my index finger?
Maybe I'm over thinking it.
- Look, you don't program a
drum machine with your head.
You program a drum
machine with your heart.
Now close your eyes and try it again.
- Yeah, you got it, that's it!
Yes!
Hey we're making some
real progress in here,
so unless the US is under
attack from Ukraine, butt out.
- And the invading Ukrainian Army
has now swept across most
of southern California,
all the way up through Nevada
and should be pushing through
parts of Colorado over
the next several hours,
where we can expect them to encounter
the hoard of zombies
that have been pummeling
that whole region creating a deadly mix
that will last at least
through the weekend.
What?
- You just sounded like
a weatherman just now.
- Oh eww, gross.
- What's wrong with weathermen,
you don't like them?
- Are you kidding,
weathermen are disgusting.
You know standing in a poncho
out in the middle of a tornado
acting like they're behind enemy lines.
No, no, no, no weathermen are grotesque.
- Well I don't know if
they're necessarily...
- And what do they teach you
in weatherman school anyway?
You know how to be wrong 75% of the time
and wear bad sports coats.
Sorry Carl, my bad.
- Fuck you Chad.
- Anyway, martial law has been declared
and a nationwide curfew is in effect.
So stay indoors or risk
immediate execution.
- Um, if it's okay with you guys,
I'm gonna hang out here a little okay.
Pizza's on me.
- Cute one powers activate.
- I always knew this might happen.
- You did?
- Yeah, if Ukrainia is attacking,
the music is our only shot
to bring the world together in peace.
Look, what I'm about to tell you,
it will be better if I face you all.
It would be better if I faced you.
This is our time.
We can write a song that saves the world.
- I'm pretty sure saving the world
is a job for rock and roll.
- Yeah catchy, sense
driven, light dance pop,
probably won't do it.
- It's a good point, but Ukrainia or not,
this is our last day in the studio.
Now let's get back in there
and get back to work, come on!
- Yeah.
- Yeah, pump juice.
- And now it appears they're
destroying the space needle.
This is just unbelievable.
Can we get footage of that?
We...
Wrong footage guys.
- Still adorable
though, that little squirrel,
gotta love that little guy.
- Maybe I've been thinking
about this all wrong.
What if Encore isn't about us,
but it's from the point
of view of an individual.
- Interesting, what you got in mind?
- This just kind of came to me.
♪ Play us a song on your keyboard ♪
♪ Yours is sound that we like ♪
♪ Bringing a bar together ♪
♪ And I think that you're kind of sad ♪
- That's amazing.
- It's a little derivative.
- Goddammit Tina, if you
don't stop Linda McCarthying,
we're never gonna finish this album.
- She's right, it's derivative.
- Are you sure?
- It's exactly Piano Man,
but about a keyboard.
And shittier.
- That's too bad 'cause it kind of gave me
an idea for a rhythm.
Oh my God!
- No!
- But there's
gotta be something we can do.
- Looking like this is gonna take a while.
I'm gonna hit the head.
- Is clapping really that
important to your sound?
I thought you guys were all
drum machines and vocals.
- I thought you'd never heard of us.
- Of course I've heard of you,
I was in junior high school too you know.
I mean I had posters
of Alanis Morissette up
and not you know Heartthrob Boyz posters,
but everyone related to
when I page 9-1-1 it means I
need you now, classic, hmm.
♪ Oh no, once again my hopes
and dreams are being shattered ♪
♪ As if my soul has just been found ♪
♪ Desecrated, bruised, and battered ♪
♪ Just like the pain from when Debbie ♪
♪ Took our marriage and spoiled it ♪
♪ Alas someone's clogged up the toilet ♪
♪ Oh I should've stoop up for myself ♪
♪ When she stomped on my heart ♪
♪ It's been stomped on again ♪
♪ By some sick bastard's drugs ♪
♪ Treated by the whole world ♪
♪ Like some old stupid shonga ♪
♪ You rub my nose in it ♪
♪ Like I'm a dog and you're my owner ♪
♪ No, no together with
my children detest me ♪
♪ And now I'm stuck looking
at a dungy so messy ♪
♪ Is today's the day I finally give ♪
♪ A lifetime of thunder ♪
♪ Or maybe my new life start ♪
♪ When I pick up the plunger ♪
♪ Oh ♪
- My God sometimes I wonder
if I dreamt the whole thing.
There was a time when I
could go into a grocery store
and get 20% off like I
was some kind of clergy.
Now the only time people recognize me
is when Huff-Po runs a story
about all the hats that I used to wear.
- There, there Johnny Throbstein.
- Janet wait, listen.
- It's Lance, he's
clapping with his hands.
- It's a miracle.
- The best kind of miracle.
A rock and roll miracle.
- Retro, new wave, synth
driven like dance pop.
- And not just any retro, new wave,
synth driven lite dance pop miracle,
but a retro, new wave, synth driven line.
- Lite dance.
- Lite dance pop miracle that
might just save this album.
New Guy, how's that
drum beat coming along?
- After 16 years I finally
feel like a real musician.
Words can't express it,
but my music sure can.
- Atta boy, hey Lance.
- Yeah.
- Can you clap in E minor
to mesh with his drumming.
- Fresh to death.
- Excellent, Davy are you ready to roll?
- Who took a shit in the bathroom
and didn't tell anybody?
- I'm taking that as a yes.
One, two, three, four.
♪ We need an encore ♪
♪ Encore ♪
Henry this is where you
come in with the rap
- Uh, I can't do this, I can't do it.
- Sure you can.
Turn up the drums so we
have something to work with.
- I don't know how to tell you.
It's not, it's not that.
- We don't have time for this.
We have an hour left to finish the album.
- Which is why I can't put
this off any longer okay.
I'm not a rapper, I'm just black okay.
And I think that you guys
are mistaking black for amazing rapper.
- That's ridiculous Henry,
what about the rapping you
did on our two hit singles?
- And what about that sick flow
you laid down on the PSA
we did on paint huffing?
- Or those fire rhymes you dropped
as the rapping toucan on the
mac and cheese commercials.
- Yes, see you're incredible.
And if you don't believe me,
believe pizza woman over here.
- Janet.
- Pizza Janet said that our song,
When I Page 9-1-1 changed her life.
- I didn't actually say that.
- You can't walk away from that.
- It's not, I don't.
- Hey look, I may not
be able to convince you
that you can hip hop down a dope flow,
but I know a certain old school rapper
from back in the day who can.
- That's really not helping.
- And that rapper is you.
Davy, dial up a little 9-1-1.
- You mean call a plumber?
Because that toilet was a consumer reports
top rated model and I
don't see any reason why...
- Play the song Davy!
♪ 9-1-1 means I need you now ♪
♪ Oh girl, you're driving me crazy ♪
♪ Girl you know I love you ♪
♪ There's no one above you ♪
♪ And I'm trying to make a
schedule to plan out my week ♪
♪ I'm working at the Rite Aid ♪
♪ Monday, Wednesday, Friday ♪
♪ But hit me back 'cause
maybe Thursday you're free ♪
♪ When I page 9-1-1 ♪
- Stop, stop it.
- Wow.
- So I guess Henry was
really right about this one.
- How could we not realize that before?
- I don't know.
- I wonder if Jay-Z's available?
- Oh yeah.
- Hey buddy, do you have Jay-Z's number.
- Johnny, what this album
do not need is rapping.
What it needs is your words.
What it's missing is an
inspirational message
told in simple boy band lyrics.
- He's right Johnny.
- You're all right compadres.
All right, I'm gonna
juice up the lyric factory
and lay down some vocals.
One, two, three, four.
♪ Girl your magic alacazam ♪
♪ Maybe Saturday night
we could meet up and ♪
♪ I can help tutor you
with your English exam ♪
♪ Girl I think your the bomb ♪
♪ But don't tell you're mom ♪
♪ Because after the prom ♪
♪ I'm gonna take you somewhere ♪
♪ That we can be alone ♪
♪ Our first date was special ♪
♪ An Encore would be best ♪
♪ I'll pick you up 'cause you ain't got ♪
♪ Your driver's permit yet ♪
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you out of your minds?
- Hey what are you doing,
don't interrupt the creative process?
- Yeah that was feeling pretty good.
- That was absolutely disgusting.
Does not one of you see a
problem with this picture?
You're a bunch of middle aged men
singing about having sex with
teenage girls after the prom.
- But no, no, you're missing, it's,
this is exactly the kind of stuff
that was on our first album.
This is the stuff that made us famous.
- Yeah, 'cause it was cute
when it was coming from
17 year old bodies.
But now it's coming from,
I guess they're still considered bodies.
Honestly, coming from those
things, it's illegal at best.
Please tell me the whole album
isn't made up of songs like that?
♪ You give me the runaround
in your graduation gown ♪
♪ Tell your mom I'm a man of virtue ♪
♪ Gonna make love but
you'll be home by curfew ♪
♪ Girl I love your dance moves ♪
♪ Wanna party with you ♪
♪ Do some finger banging at
the feldman Bar Mitzvah ♪
♪ When I page 9-1-1 it
means I need you now ♪
♪ So head outside now and
find the nearest payphone ♪
♪ 9-1-1 means I need you now ♪
♪ Girl you're driving me crazy ♪
♪ Ooh girl I knew it when I saw you ♪
♪ Ooh girl that I was falling for you ♪
♪ I knew you're playing
cool in the loo, so loo ♪
♪ But MCI bill is through the roof ♪
♪ When I page 9-1-1 it
means I need you now ♪
♪ So head outside now and
find the nearest payphone ♪
♪ 9-1-1 means I need you now ♪
♪ Girl, you're driving me crazy ♪
♪ Girl you know I love you ♪
♪ There's no one above you ♪
She's right.
♪ I'm trying to make a
schedule to plan out my week ♪
About it all.
♪ Monday, Wednesday, Friday ♪
♪ But hit me back 'cause
maybe Thursday you're free ♪
♪ When I page 9-1-1 ♪
- Baby it's your mama,
I think you better take it.
♪ Outside now and find
the nearest pay phone ♪
- Mom.
- Oh my son, thank God you're alive.
There are roving bands of
zombies across the street
eating the heads of the neighbors
and we'll all be eaten soon.
- I'm sorry to hear that Mom,
but I'm kind of in the middle
of something right now.
- I just wanted to say goodbye.
- I said I'm busy, Jesus.
- I just wish we
could make them realize
that they're dead, but they're
stuck in the past you know.
I guess that's what a zombie is.
Someone who just can't move on.
Oh well, goodbye.
- Mom, what did you just say?
- I said your
Uncle Irv has pneumonia.
- No you didn't.
- Sure I did, I know what I said.
- Mom, I distinctly heard you say
that zombies are quote, stuck in the past
and they can't move on, end quote.
Say that part again.
- That doesn't sound like me.
- Just do me a favor and say the words,
they're stuck in the past
and they can't move on.
- All right.
Zombies are stuck in the
past and can't move on.
- Mom that's it, you're a genius.
- No one said move on.
- I know how to connect
to my lyrical abilities.
- If anybody's stuck.
- I've been stuck in the past
and I just need to embrace
who I am here and now.
- Oh no, oh God, oh my God, oh no!
- I think Love Pickle's
starting to grow on me actually.
- Lance, do you remember
from the first album
when we wrote Under The Bleachers?
- Sure.
- What inspired that,
where did that come from?
- We were making out with
girls under the bleachers.
- Exactly, and you remember when we wrote
Don't Tickle Me, I'm Ticklish?
- Of course.
Where did that come from?
- I don't know, oh stop.
- It's the truth, we
were writing our truth.
And that's what we need.
What did you do last Thursday afternoon?
- Picked up my dry cleaning.
- Okay, and the day after that?
- Got a colonoscopy, no wait,
I threw out my back and
then I got a colonoscopy.
- Yes, what did you do?
- I worked on paperwork for
the refinancing of my house,
and a lady took me to a
benefit I didn't like.
- Awesome, you guys that's
it, we're not boys anymore.
We're men and we're gonna be
the world's first man band.
♪ Doing it, doing it ♪
♪ Now you're working it, working it ♪
♪ Now you're changing it, changing it ♪
♪ Changing it, now you
rolling it, throwing it ♪
♪ Uh Hans Zimmer ♪
♪ These guys have been
kids for thug laughs ♪
♪ 14 years, but that's enough past ♪
♪ Now they're putting
on some new clothes ♪
♪ Where they got those
clothes I don't know ♪
♪ I mean we've already established ♪
♪ They're trapped in a studio ♪
♪ And the world's about to explode ♪
♪ How did they have access to polos ♪
♪ And all those awesome khakis ♪
♪ Johnny puts his phone on his waist ♪
♪ Then he makes some bad ass tough face ♪
♪ Henry preps for jacket weather ♪
♪ New Guy finally sold that sweater ♪
- What's this?
- It's my eyeliner.
Well not my eyeliner, it belongs
to the bad boy in the band.
- But you, I mean.
- Lance.
- I mean you've always said.
- I've seen the way you treat waitresses,
the way you kick a cat off the couch
when you want to sit down,
your utter disregard for the feelings
of flight attendants and cab drivers,
and how you charge sick
kids for an autograph.
- Hey.
- You are the bad boy
Lance, through and through.
- I still don't think
you get what it means
to be the bad boy, but thank you.
- Now we got a new problem?
- What's that?
- Who's gonna be the cute one?
Oh, oh.
- Johnny, fellas, it's the news,
they're about to interview
a real live alien.
- We can now
officially report that TBT Local 5
has landed an exclusive interview
with the alien representative.
- This is the first time anywhere
that one of our new alien overlords
has spoken on television to
the conquered people of earth
and he's doing it right
here, on TBT Local 5.
- First of all we want to
welcome you to the leader
in local weather, TBT Local 5.
So excited to have you here with us,
what are you feeling on earth so far?
- It's a mix of exhaustion
from interplanetary travel
and ambivalence about the
destruction of your species.
- Uh excuse me Mr.
Alien, Chad Pixley here,
Action 5 News Squad.
- Your name and rank are immaterial.
There will be no graves
to mark your bloody departure from earth.
- Uh now, we aren't gonna shy away
from the tough questions
here at TBT Local 5.
So I need to ask you, what is your opinion
on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict?
- Are you not curious about the
10,000 millennia of slavery,
which will begin for the 1%
of you we allow to survive?
- Trying to dodge the tough questions,
but there's no where to hide
on TBT Local 5.
- All right Chad, what was your question?
- The Israeli-Palestinian
Conflict, what is your opinion?
- All humans taste
equally delicious to us.
- Can you clarify your
stance on immigration?
- We will be submerging all
earth and the land masses
in water to turn your planet
into a breeding ground
for our hydrosensitive larvae.
So land borders will
be a thing of the past.
- All right now, let me get
you outta here on a fun one.
Mr. Alien, boxers or briefs?
- Chad you are terrible.
- Our genitals are accessed remotely
by a six dimensional time squirt,
thus leaving us free from the constraints
of your solar system's underpants.
- So what is it, huh?
Drum roll please.
- Briefs.
Begin the ritual death
ceremonies of your loved ones.
We expect a completely...
- I am so sorry but we are
out of time here.
- You're all gonna die.
- Chad, are you a little worried
about the weather this weekend?
- Uh, well the bright side
is that we humans wanna feel
this could front coming in from the north,
but let's go to Carl for all the details.
Carl, take it away.
- Turn it off.
The amount of resources local
news allocates to weather,
is depressing.
- This is such a bummer.
I'd always secretly hope
I'd witness an apocalypse.
- Yeah, me too.
- Yeah.
- I'd just always thought it'd
be like it is in the movies,
you know, like I'd be all
right up in the center of it.
But instead I'm just watching
it get reported on TV,
just like every other
event in my lifetime.
- I just realized I'm gonna die
without ever fulfilling my dream.
Eating pizza alone in a
bathroom, that's my dream.
- Where are you going?
- Back to work.
- What are you talking about?
- Man no one's gonna hear any
new music we record anyway,
we might as well die happy.
- Yeah exactly, I intend to.
From where I belong in
front of a microphone.
I'm not doing this for
someone else to hear.
For the first time in my life,
I'm not doing this for the critics,
and I'm not doing this for the reindeer.
I'm not doing it for the
hot air balloon riders
or the b-ollies.
I'm not doing this for
the Kleenex manufacturers
or funnel cakes or the salesman,
or the diapers, or the
figs, or the stockrooms.
And I'm not doing this for the awnings,
or the porch furniture,
and I'm not doing this
for bi-monthly magazine subscriptions,
and I am definitely not doing
this for the ellipticals!
This is for me.
I'm finally able to stand up
and say I'm a man in a band,
a man band, okay who's with me?
- One track before the apocalypse,
it'll be tight but let's give it a shot.
- No Davy, we're starting
over from scratch.
We're gonna go in that room
and you're gonna hit record,
and we're not gonna stop until we finish
an entire fucking album.
Can you handle that?
- No, no I can't.
- What?
- I've been letting people
push me around my whole life.
My wife, my kids, you guys,
those Girl Scouts who sell me Tagalongs
when they know I have diabetes
and I can't do it anymore.
You've been running your
vocals through the LA2A
for compression right?
And they should be going
through the Heurig 1176.
- Sure, whatever you want.
- What, no!
I'm finally standing up for myself.
First time in my life,
so before the world ends,
whatever you need is for
you to put up a fight
and then to still win.
- Uh yeah okay, I guess we want the LA2A.
- No, it's too smooth.
It's all wrong for your voices,
it makes 'em too rounded.
The coloring of the 1176 insummation,
if we don't use the 1176, I'm leaving.
- Great, 1176 it is.
Now go over there and press
the big red button please.
- One, two, one, two, three, four.
What the hell just happened?
- You think the aliens
took out our power supply?
- No power on the board.
- Nice try guys.
Maybe it really is time to quit.
- Don't you understand
what don't give up means?
It doesn't mean give up when you die.
It doesn't mean give up when aliens
or an electromagnetic pulse from a nearby
nuclear explosion takes your power out.
No, it means don't give up.
- Davy, maybe you've got
a generator or something.
- No, nothing.
But wait, in my garage,
I've got an old bicycle
and sewing machine and silk screen print.
Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?
- I'm not getting eaten by
aliens 'cause that's all
I've been thinking
about for the last hour.
- Before we get there,
I think I just might have the solution.
- Oh Tina look, what in the...
- What is it?
- This is a pedal powered generator.
Now it's not gonna run
everything in the studio,
but it should hae enough power
for the sound board and mics, for the TV,
the FX routers, the amps, the lights,
the answering machine, and
the essential oils diffuser.
- So what are we leaving out?
- The coffee maker.
- No!
- It's okay Lance, we're
running on adrenaline,
we should all be dead
within the new few hours,
we should be fine without coffee.
- That's probably true.
- Also there's no power to the internet.
- Oh!
- Come on.
- Guys it's just a sacrifice
we're gonna have to make for the music.
- Shut up newbie, you don't
know anything about sacrifice.
- The hell I don't.
I've sacrificed everything for this band,
and you've treated me like
garbage for the past 16 years.
- Calm down newbie, just relax.
- Stop calling me that.
I joined this band six
weeks after you guys.
I've played on every song,
I've been in every music video,
I've been on every TV show with you guys,
do you guys even remember the
name of the guy I replaced?
- Josh, James.
- Oh yeah, the old guy.
- That's what I thought.
And this isn't just about me,
I'm standing up for Jason Newsted,
John Frusciante, Eric Carr,
and every non Beyonce
member of Destiny's Child.
We demand respect.
- Fine, you're right, I'm sorry.
So man, what do you think?
Should we use this power pedal idea,
even though it means no
coffee and no internet?
- Yes, yes we should.
- Who's gonna pedal the bike?
- I screwed up my knees in college.
- I thought you guys would never ask.
- You're like
a professional cyclist
and you didn't just think to volunteer?
- I did not.
- Okay Janet, it's up to you.
Ride on lady.
- Yeah.
- Ride on.
- I just realized something,
but I don't think you're
gonna like hearing it.
- Great, don't tell us.
All right, tell us.
- Okay, all the crazy shit going on.
An alien invasion, nuclear attacks,
a toilet that got a top notch rating
from consumer reports getting clogged,
a perfectly healthy gold fish dying,
non of it's natural,
all of it's connected.
- You're right, I installed
that toilet myself, ain't natural.
- I thought you didn't believe
in that supernatural stuff?
- Yeah, until I watched
one of my bandmates
literally come back from the dead.
- That's when it all started happening.
- Are you saying what
I think you're saying.
- No, I'm saying bringing
Johnny back from the dead
threw the whole balance of
the universe out of whack.
And it's just gonna keep getting worse
until all of us, maybe all
of existence, is annihilated.
- The debt must be repaid.
- Jesus Christ lady, you're
gonna get paid for your pizza.
It's a lot more at steak,
the universe, my friend.
- Hey guys, so the sink is the
bathroom is dispensing blood,
so if anyone's thirsty,
I'd stick to whiskey.
What are you guys looking at?
- Johnny, I got some...
- No Tina, if you start Linda
McCarthying him right now,
I swear to God, we'll
never get this album done.
- You think I don't
know what you're doing?
You're accusing me of Yokoing,
but you're just too
chickenshit to say her name.
- What, no, I mean.
- Yes you are, it's
'cause I'm Asian isn't it?
- It's not 'cause you're Asian,
it's 'cause you're a woman.
- Do you realize that
Yoko met John in 1966
and transformed him from let's
hold hands, please, please
John to Mother, Julia, God,
across the universe give peace
a chance John Lennon,
and then maybe the world
is a shit load better for him
having had her in his life?
No, anyone?
So fine, watch me Yoko if
that means occasionally
wearing quirky hats and
telling a guy named John
the truth so he can have a chance
to deal with the real
meat of his own existence.
Johnny, we kind of messed up.
- Well Tina the good
news is you're gonna be
at the center of the apocalypse,
just like you'd always hoped.
- I'm sorry everyone,
I should have never brought
Johnny back to life.
And before that, I should
have never killed him either.
- That one was at least
partially my fault.
- You're famous, you can't help yourself.
- You know what, let's
stop this jibber jabber
and get back in the studio.
- For what?
- Because there still time on the clock.
And I don't know if I've made this clear,
but I am not ready to
give up.
- Get the fuck in the studio
and start recording now!
♪ You're telling me
that we've got tickets ♪
♪ To the fundraiser ♪
♪ But I'm thinking of
faking a sickness baby ♪
♪ Do I, do I, do I have
to go with ya baby ♪
♪ Can I, can I, please just
stay home nap and jerk off ♪
♪ Baby don't throw away
the thoughts of cable ♪
♪ 'cause I might need
some of them someday ♪
♪ Has anybody seen my car keys ♪
♪ I, I, B, B, S, S ♪
♪ Girl stop it, I want
you to fake coverage ♪
- New Guy, what the fuck is that?
What kind of band do you think this is?
♪ Too old to die young ♪
♪ Where did my ass go ♪
♪ I don't have one pair
of good looking pants ♪
♪ I'm starting to think it's
not the fault of the pants ♪
♪ And then the doctor said ♪
♪ The only way to find out for sure ♪
♪ Was to shove a tiny
camera up my rectum ♪
♪ Up your b-hole ♪
♪ I'm older than Bill Murray
when he did Groundhog Day yeah ♪
♪ Baby, I don't know how to tell you but ♪
♪ Your favorite Thai place closed ♪
♪ That was the place where
your first husband proposed ♪
♪ Encore, Encore ♪
♪ You know what we need, an Encore ♪
♪ That's the time when the
band gets up for one more ♪
♪ My podiatrist tells me
I should rest my feet ♪
♪ But shit today I'm not gonna listen ♪
♪ To Dr. Burke-Horowitz ♪
♪ I'm gonna rise up and speak my peace ♪
♪ You know what, I want to
say this is hurting my feet ♪
♪ I didn't give up on standing ♪
♪ Don't interpret it that way ♪
♪ 'Cause it applies in the face ♪
♪ Of my message today,
which is don't give up ♪
- Oh shit.
♪ Can't give up ♪
♪ Won't give up ♪
♪ Can't give up, can't give up ♪
♪ Can't give up, can't give up ♪
♪ Won't give up, won't give up ♪
♪ Won't give up, won't give up ♪
♪ Can't give up, can't give up ♪
♪ Can't give up, don't give up ♪
♪ Don't give up, can't give up ♪
♪ Won't give up ♪
- Can I stop now?
- Not yet Janet, I've
got one more thing to do.
I love you guys.
- Where you going Johnny?
- I have to make the world right again.
Just promise me you'll
take the music and soar.
- Johnny, what are you saying?
- Oh no, he's doing the reverse,
reverse Keith Relf.
- Johnny, I, I don't want this.
I don't want a world without you.
- Johnny, you can't leave us.
- It's okay Tina, Lance,
Henry, fuck I'm sorry,
I want to use your real name,
but I sear to God I don't,
I'm sorry I can't remember what it is.
I want to say Jerry, but
I know it's not right.
And I'm so sorry.
Compadres relax, it's taken care of.
I filed legal documents to give you
and you guys joint custody of my image.
In such a way that it ensures a massive
public battle every four to five years
to drum up press for merch sales.
It's all taken care of.
- Thank you Jonathan Yonkel Throbstein.
- It's for the music.
Help, help, oh fuck,
oh fuck, help, help.
Jesus fucking Christ, I just
fucking pissed my pants.
Oh I just shit, I just shit,
I just shit, oh my god.
I'm full of shit, oh.
- Welcome to the Morning Zoo,
it's fun o'clock in the a.m. on the fm.
Hard to believe it's been 20 years
since the Heartthrob Boyz
were last in this studio.
And one year since they
emerged from total obscurity
and re-dubbed themselves
the Heart Condition Guys.
Welcome men.
- It's great to be back.
- So tell me, what's
the secret to your success?
Maybe the newbie can answer.
- Actually, newbie's got a name.
It's Noogie, Noogie Rodriguez.
- Okay Noogie, tell us about this album.
- Well we're all pushing 40,
so we figured we should
start acting like it.
And if only other old farts
wanna listen to our music,
then so be it.
Plus no one under 35 pays for
music anyway, so fuck 'em.
- And I was told by my producer,
that we're gonna drop your
newest single right here
on WZHJ In The Morning.
- Yeah, this one's called
Ice Cream, Netflix, and
16 Minutes Of A Movie.
And Johnny, wherever you
are, this one's for you.
♪ You had a long day at work ♪
♪ And your boss is a such jerk ♪
♪ 'Cause he keeps refusing
to reimburse you ♪
♪ For that big ole luncheon ♪
♪ But now I'm once at home ♪
♪ And if I can get you
to put down your phone ♪
♪ I could caress your red lips ♪
♪ But better yet let's Netflix ♪
♪ It's you and me, it's you and me ♪
♪ Ice cream, Netflix, and
16 minutes of a movie ♪
♪ Why can't you see I've
been waiting all day ♪
♪ I love you girl ♪
♪ I got your favorite ice
cream, salted caramel ♪
♪ And I got my favorite kind ♪
♪ Whatever you don't eat
of the salted caramel ♪
♪ It's because tonight is all about you ♪
♪ I'm just so happy to be with you ♪
♪ Together, forever, at
least until I have to take ♪
♪ A cup of this world thing ♪
♪ It's you and me, it's you and me ♪
♪ Ice cream, Netflix, and
16 minutes of a movie ♪
♪ Why can't you see, I
been thinking all day ♪
♪ I love you girl ♪
♪ Follow my schedule
and rock you right now ♪
♪ Understand the Milwaukee stagnant ♪
♪ We need this quality time, connection ♪
♪ And I hope to be
standing by, direction ♪
♪ My level were to see ♪
♪ Bring back to love in
therapy, reflection ♪
♪ I forgot to take my LACTAID
before the ice cream ♪
♪ So sexy is out of the question ♪
♪ Ice cream, Netflix, and
16 minutes of a movie ♪
♪ Will you excuse me for a moment ♪
♪ I'll be right back ♪
♪ No, you go in and start it ♪
♪ Ice cream, Netflix, and
16 minutes of a movie ♪
♪ I'll just be a minute or a few minutes ♪
♪ It's you and me, it's you and me ♪
♪ Ice cream, Netflix, and
16 minutes of a movie ♪
♪ Um, do you mind just turning
up the volume a little ♪
♪ Before I got, maybe 'cause you're ♪
♪ Ice cream, Netflix, and
16 minutes of a movie ♪
♪ I love you so much ♪
- Nine, eight, seven, six,
five, four, three, two, one.
Can I get a iced tea?