Boutchou (2020) - full transcript

What?

Wait, hold on.
Hold on a second.

Hello, yes?

It's happened?

Well...

It's happened?
It's happened, it's happened?

OK, she wins.
It's happened! Snookums, it's happened!

- It's happened!
- What has happened?

It's happened! It's happened!

- What has happened?
- It's happened!

Hurry, Snookums.



But what has happened?

- It's happened!
- What has happened?

It's happened!

You have magical hands.

Ah, phone. In the bag.
Can you get it for me?

- The phone.
- My hands are oily right now.

Thank you.

Here.

Hello?

Oh, how splendid!

What wonderful news!

I'm heading there now!

When is the baby due?

Tomorrow.
Come on, relax.



- Your cervix is dilated...
- Six centimetres for 25 minutes.

Do you have any pain?

No, it's OK.

- It's fine, right, honey?
- It hurts.

Oh yeah?

Yes, I understand.

I'm right out front. I'll be right up.

I'll be there before your mum.

Did you tell her, by the way?

Yes? Ah, too bad.

Of course I do,
I remember it very well, as you know.

It was exceptional.

Such fantastic moments
we spent together.

I have a heart of gold.

Take a deep breath.

And the little mouth.

- The little mouth.
- Yes.

Great.

OK, relax.
We'll be able to start soon.

Hurry up.

- Good morning,
we're here for a birth.

- Yes.
- Whose?

- The birth of a baby.
- Yes.

Where is the delivery room?

You have to wait till she gets out.

We can wait five or ten minutes.

Go ahead.
It'll be more like five or six hours.

One, two, three.

Calm down, calm down.

Do the little mouth.

Madam?
Madam, wait.

It doesn't want to come out.

I'm not surprised. He must be
a big asshole like his father.

Is this normal?

Not normal?

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Goodbye.
- Um, yes.

- Madam, you must leave.
- Is this how you treat a grandmother?

Let go of me!
You'll break my arm.

It's OK, I get it.
I can go by myself.

You'll see.

Twitter, hashtag.

Me Too.

There.

- Paula.
- Odile.

- Paula.
- Raoul.

It takes hours to deliver a baby,
but being stuck with those two...

It reminds me of the day
my son was born.

It was the best day of my life.

It was extraordinary.

When he came out,
he wasn't crying. He was smiling.

And then I thought, "Look here,

he's going to be an exceptional guy,
el bambino."

Well, in fact...

That's what his mother told me,
because I wasn't there.

That day,
I was listed on the stock exchange.

As a result, my wife left me
right after that.

You're dressed up to the nines.

I see you've had a rough day.

I didn't come here to clean.

It's for the baby.

I'm sure he'll like that one.

- Can we do an epidural?
- It's too late.

After the birth,
we'll go on our honeymoon to Martinique.

- I promise.
- You never keep your promises.

One, two and three.

Ah! You came this time, Robert.

To. Roberto.

- Hello.
- Hello, Roberto.

So, it's done. I'm now a...

I'm a... He's here.

And what's his name?

- His name is...
- Doctor Fassi for the ER.

It's with an "e".

Well, are you coming?
Will you join us?

It's room 512.

What a strange name.

We'll still love him.

Is it from your side of the family?

From the Basque Country?
No, not at all.

What a marvel!

How amazing.

He has the same eyes as me.

Not at all.
He has almond-shaped eyes.

That's all me, those almond-shaped eyes.

I hope that's the only thing.

Oh, I'm wrong.

There's that, too.

Because Roberto's got a tiny one.

Raoul, are you feeling fine?

- Yes, I'm fine.
- Great.

He's so handsome,
my precious Pumpkin.

That really suits him.

Plumpy-kin.

Not "Plumpy-kin", Snookums.

Pumpkin.

"Plumpy-kin" is like calling him fat.
That's ugly.

He's so handsome!

PUMPKIN
DAY 1

So, if I send a picture,
everyone will see it?

Yup, that's right.
That's how WhatsApp works, Dad.

Amazing.

- I have a present for you.
- Here you go, son.

- It's for you.
- Thanks, Dad.

Wow, fantastic!

Hang on, now!

- That's very sweet.
- He's spoiled, this kid.

We need to get organized.

I wanted to give him a toy.

- Yes, she's right.
- Take it.

FAMILY FEUD

Sorry, mate. No can do.

It's complicated with the kid.

I can't make it tonight.
Happy birthday, Simon.

Anyway,
I'll be there next time.

Yeah.
See you next year.

See you.

I think that

if I had to choose you or him,
it would have to be him.

What?

What are you talking about?

It's not the same thing.
It's not the same love.

It's not comparable.

Yes, I know.

But if you were both in danger
and I could only save one,

it would be him, obviously.

Obviously?

After all these years together,
and all we've been through?

- You've only known him for a week.
- Nine months and a week.

He doesn't even talk.
Who knows, he might be vicious.

He might not be a good guy.

No matter what,
I'll always love him. That's all.

Even if he becomes a dictator?

- What if he's a racist?
- That's crazy.

Without me,
he wouldn't be here.

Maybe, but now it's like
you're second best.

But you're my favourite second.
That's not bad.

Between your father and me,
who'd you save?

You must be joking!

You'll see.

He's the main character.

I used to make him bigger,
but I prefer finer features.

It's more modern.

- That's good, that's good.
- Thank you.

It's more colourful, though.

But you can see it's my...

My turn!

Your turn?

My turn to give him the bottle.

- We said 30 seconds each.
- After, it's my turn again.

- Sure.
- His head.

Ok, Ok.

Yes, my baby.

Who's a big baby?

I thought we said
me first and you second.

You can't enter
our house like this anymore. Keys!

Huh? Oh!

Mum?

Oh, qué bello!

- Pumpkin...
- Stop! My turn.

What?

Can I feed him, too?

30 seconds per person.

- That was mine?
- Yes.

Thank you, Mum.

Too cute in Paul's baby clothes

He's a cutie.

NURSERY ADMISSION REQUEST

That is style!

Calm Night
Fig and Plane Trees

Fresh products from our garden

Have you never thought
of looking for a bigger place?

This place is rather... isn't it?

What about the price?
The price!

Have you seen the prices in Paris?
They're overpriced, these prices.

We have something to tell you.

Right now, are you sure?

Yes.

Are you pregnant?

Not at all, no.

Not at all.

It's true that
since the little one arrived,

we're been wondering
whether we want to stay in Paris

or move down south.

My little princess and her prince

have decided to come live near Mum.

No, Odile, nothing's been decided.
We're talking about it.

We're thinking about it.
Yes, we're considering it.

A better quality of life
for the child.

Come on, you're not going to do that.

Paul, you're our only child.
You have everything you need in Paris.

Why look elsewhere
when everything's right here?

We haven't decided yet, Roberto.
We're thinking about it.

Anyway, it's a decision
we'll take after my exam.

That wasn't part of the plan.

- Listen, Roberto.
- What?

They prefer fresh air.

Right.

An excellent quality of life.

A big house with a beautiful garden.
Don't they have the right?

Um... No.

And us, my girl,

you're all we've got, too.

Yes.

- I didn't see that coming.
- Me neither.

Snookums,
this is the chance of a lifetime.

Hold on, it's not sure yet.

- They haven't decided.
- We'll see Pumpkin when we want.

- He'll stay over.
- Odile...

It's not sure.

It's the best decision
they've ever made.

They haven't made up their minds yet.
It's not our place to influence them.

And why not?

Let's take a picture. Look!

NO TO COFFEE AT 4 EUROS

4 euros is a normal price!

It's more expensive
than Raoul's shirt...

Pumpkin is a country boy.
That's a fact.

Nonsense, he is already
a bona fide Parisian.

Paula, how did you make
that little drawing?

Paul, it's your turn.

Nah, I just went a while ago.
It's your turn.

Capital.

Benin.

Shit.

I can't remember.

1 - 0.

Don't make too much noise.

Jean Petit is dancing

Jean Petit is dancing

Need some help?

I'm exhausted.

Come over here.

Thank you.

Oh, darling.

Sweatheart, it's only natural
that he can't sleep,

with all this noise and pollution.

- It's bad vibrations.
- You think so?

Do I think so?

Go on, scram.

Thank you, Mum. Thank you.

My dear, my dear.

As long as I'm near,
you have nothing to worry about.

Nighty night.

Oh yes, my baby. Oh yes.

Here we go, sweetheart.

Surprise!

Oh, Roberto!

- Look!
- Ah, a car seat!

That's a car seat all right.

Isn't it too small for a convertible?

Of course not. It's to create memories
with his grandfather.

- With Roberto.
- But, uh...

My little man.

Roberto,
it's not possible this afternoon.

The salesman said it's easy to do.

Just place in on top like this,
and click it in.

So let's click it in, like this.

- All right.
- Like this.

There, click!
Did you hear that?

No, I didn't hear a click.

Neither did I.

I'll find it, I'll find it.

Let's put it in like this,
and listen for the click.

And the click is...

But, uh... Whoa.

Whoa!

That should do it.
Did you hear the click?

- No, I didn't hear the click.
- No, neither did I.

I'll figure it out.

- There, click!
- Roberto!

Raoul!

It's all here.
There's the nappy bag.

I wanted him to know where I work.

I want to take him to the office
to show him his future job.

- You didn't tell me about your dad.
- It's been planned for a while.

Mum and Dad are leaving tomorrow
for Bayonne.

- Don't worry, Roberto.
- I'm not worried, Raoul.

They're not gonna move right away.

- Yes, yes.
- You've lots of time to be with him.

Yeah, sure.

Have a nice day, Roberto.

Goodbye...

...Virginie.

EDUCATIONAL FARM

ANIMALS

Hey, you're not gonna say hello
to your grandfather?

Roberto.

And here, he's studying. He steals
all my books, this little crook.

And when he dances, when he dances.

He gets up like this,
with his little arms, and does this.

Nobody's forcing you
to attend these meetings.

Hold on, now.

As you all know, I have a grandson
to look after.

The only reason I'm here
is to help you, got it?

- Don't need your help.
- Because, forgive me for being blunt,

but it's not tip-top here.

- We've doubled our margins.
- In my day, we were making up to

15 points a month.
- We're up to 34.

- We took up the whole floor.
- We've bought the building.

So,

please, a little humility.

I suggest we adjourn this meeting.

And I wish you all good humor
and a good day.

No problem. In fact, the board meeting
you didn't show up to voted on:

"You may take your things
and never come back."

I quit.

Good morning, sir.
Care to try our foie gras?

Yes.

Here you go, sir.

That, little man,
is the real stuff from back home.

Next time,
let him smoke a cigarette.

Come on, it was almost nothing.

We can't trust him with the kid
for one minute.

How can this be, Raoul?

A baby is not a toy, as you can see!

- That's enough!
- That's enough indeed!

- You really want to live near them?
- Stop it, OK?

Just look at my child! Look!

We're going home.

To our own homes.

DECLINED
NURSERY ADMISSION REQUEST

You know what, I'd say?

Those mongrels at Perpignan,

we killed them with respect
and camaraderie.

Aren't these the fundamentals
of Mont Valy?

All right?

You OK, buddy?
Had a little fall, did you?

There you go.

Pumpkin's next baby bottle by Raoul

Hello, my darling.

I'm a graduate of
the Nanny and Governess Academy.

Top of my class in '81.

I was the nanny
for William and Harry in 1990.

She'll bore him stiff.

Do you have any references?

References? Sure.
Well, not really.

Yes? Or not really?

Both.

Then, there was the legion,
in the Sahel.

Three bullets in the leg.

No nerves damaged!

- Do you have any references?
- I was a chambermaid.

Well, I was an au pair.

Sure.

Then I caught a glimpse of the enemy.

Chokehold, elbow strike, armlock!

What a cute little thing!

Children are my passion.

- And also fashion.
- Also.

Hear that? It's like
someone's walking in a wet puddle.

How weird.

Isn't it your gum?

Oh yeah.

I thought so, too.

You give her your son in the morning,
he's one,

when you pick him up, he's 93.

We'll never find a nanny.

A nanny? Why?
What's wrong with us?

Do you know any parents
who leave their child with a nanny?

You always left me with a nanny.

Don't mix everything up.

If her father knew
how to take care of a baby,

we wouldn't be in this predicament.

Nurseries are worse.
Kids always fall ill there.

As a matter of fact, next week

I can free myself
from the executive board.

That way, Virginie can work.
No stress.

Paul, you can get on
with your colouring books.

What?

- They're comic books, Dad.
- Yeah, comic books, OK.

I thought you enjoyed having drinks
on the terraces in Paris.

Enjoy yourselves!

Look at your mother.
See how it has benefited her?

Right?

If you don't want to entrust your child
to Robert, I understand.

But I'll look after him all day.

Allergy-free.

It's true we're struggling.

Vivi?

I wish we could spend
a weekend just the two of us.

Like we used to do.

Me too, my love.

- But?
- But you know.

Even if it's convenient, I don't want
him sleeping at our parents'.

Yeah.

Can you go, please?

Paul, pretty please?

Pakistan?

Islamabad.

Mayotte?

I really hate this game.

Wait, Mayotte is in France!

Yup.

It's Monday. It's my day.

The kid hasn't slept all night.
It's 6 o'clock.

Oh, shoot.

You should get some sleep!

Of course.

Where is he?

Babies sleep at six in the morning.
Like me, three minutes ago.

Shall we have coffee, then?

- I'd like that, yeah.
- Would you make us some?

Paula!

He's sleeping!

Don't worry. You only woke me up.

Good morning, my son.

Yeah, good morning.

Paula, I've prepared all his meals.
Don't give him anything else.

No sweets, no chocolate,
no ice cream.

Nap time is at least two hours
right after lunch.

No screen, no iPad,
or anything of the sort.

No pictures of him
on Instagram or Facebook.

Don't forget to take him to the park
at least once today.

What have you planned for today?

What you said.

Exactly what you were planning.

Look, my love. It's your room.

Look here, what I've got you.
This is for making cotton candy.

It's delicious.

That's for making popcorn
with all your friends.

Stuffed animals, of course.

And a tent. And a lot of cartoons.

What a beautiful room!

And what is in that closet?

Enough trainers

until university!

Who's your favourite grandmother?

And who's going to stay in Paris,
like everyone else?

Yes, my love.

Oh, that's right.
We'll need these for our appointment.

So this is for preschool registration?

You are the best school
in France.

I thought my grandson should
do his schooling here.

From preschool, to advanced maths,
to literary preparatory classes.

- Did you say your grandson?
- Yes, I did.

So, you're not the mother?

No, you flatter me.

I'm sorry, but this application
must be done by the parents.

At the age of three.

I was expecting you
to say just that.

I hope this isn't what I think it is.

No, no. It's much more than that.

Hello?

I had an appointment for the 16th.

Oh, it is the 16th.

I'm swamped at the moment.

I haven't time to take care of myself.
Excuse me.

I'll get back to you.

I've reserved it months ago.

And you most certainly cannot
give it to Mrs Ballard.

- I woke you up.
- No, not at all.

- Why?
- You're not working?

Yes, I am.

I'm heading out.

- What it is?
- It's Saint Robert's Day.

- What?
- Santo Roberto. I came with a gift.

That's three months from now.

Fine, forget it then.

I wanted to drop off Pumpkin
because it's my day.

- But never mind.
- No, wait a minute.

I didn't understand.

I'll pick him up
in an hour and a half.

No, tonight.

No, in an hour and a half.

No, I'll see you tonight,
or I'll tell the kids about the massage.

See you tonight.

Oh, my little boo-boo.

You're coming with Roberto.

I believe my name is on the list.

Roberto.

Nope, I don't see you.

That can't be possible.

Why can he go in?

Because there is no list.
Free admission.

I have to check the bags.

Actually,
you could get the groceries for me.

No, thanks, but maybe for my grandson.

No, I'm kidding.

Roberto, hey!

- Hello.
- How are you?

- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Hi, Roberto.

- It's your grandson.
- Yes.

- He's so cute.
- Yeah, he is.

- I'll see you later.
- Yeah, all right.

That's the price of success, my boy.

It surely won't happen
with your other grandfather.

With his ass face.

No way at all.

Oh, what's going on over there?

What's going on here?

We need to call a doctor.

She clearly has epilepsy.

Don't "shh" me! It's not an iPhone.

I can't switch him to mute mode, sir.

- This is no place for a child.
- Sure.

Of course.
Here, hold him for a minute.

I forgot his little toy.
I'll be right back.

I'll be back.
Roberto will be right back.

Roberto will be right back, sweetie.

I didn't do anything.
It wasn't me.

Why is my son in the arms
of people we don't know?

Where were you?

I don't understand.

Hello! It's my day today!

- Where's my grandson?
- My God, did you make a double?

- Give it to me.
- Huh? Oh, yeah.

Whoa.

Paula, can you explain?

- Stop it, Robert, you know...
- No, Mum. Yesterday was your day.

Yes.

- I had an urgent call of nature.
- Have you lost your mind?

You know very well I never think twice.

No, no, no.

You said that he had the right
to see places of culture

and the less conventional side of Paris.
- Certainly not.

I knew perfectly well
that it was very dumb.

When stupidity strikes,
I'm there.

It's over. You won't babysit again.

He hasn't slept since yesterday.

He has eczema on his arm.

You stressed him out.

Quit being a smartass.
Can't you see we're losing our lead?

It's not my fault he has eczema,
mind you.

Do you smell that?

No, what?

It smells like long trips
to Bayonne with your horseshit.

Is Pumpkin OK?

We're worried!

Where did I put my keys?

Dinner with Peter and Choupi tonight?

We haven't seen them for ever.

Who's going to look after him?

Well, we've got my...

Maybe it's not a good idea.

- No.
- We said we'll talk later, but...

Living in Bayonne is growing on me.

It'd be better for the kid.

That way he'd play rugby,
and he'd talk like this.

As the fly-half
on the national rugby team,

I advocate...
- I think it's cool and all, but...

I grew up there,
and you soon get bored.

You have to admit
that there's everything in Paris.

When were you going to tell me this?

Paul, I told you I don't know yet.

So, we talk about it.
We still have time.

All right, good luck.

See you.

Have a nice day.

I could see in their eyes.
It was as if they were telling me...

"Keep Pumpkin, please."

Mmm, I love it!

"He likes you two the most."

Right, Odile?
If they proposed to the others...

It's just out of politeness.

We really must stop them
from moving.

Next to those two nutcases.

Can you imagine poor Pumpkin?

Even he knows that.

- Besides...
- He's always asking for me.

Do you know why?

Of all his grandparents,
I'm the only one...

It smells like death warmed up.

I don't know if it's the oil
or the carburettor.

They're a pain in the ass
with their new cars.

In my day...

There were dinosaurs.

When I was a kid...

Odile!

What happened to my...

Hemorrhoids!

Bingo, a double point word. 82 points.

So, who's the queen...

Bitch! Watch it!

Yes, that's how we doubled the margins.

I can't help it, it's all in my head.

It's hollow.

Great, it's not a bearing wall.

Remember the last time you said
it wasn't a load-bearing wall?

It was.

We spent three months
at the Buisson's.

- It was the blueprints that were...
- Load-bearing!

- Odile, it's ancient history.
- Snookums, we need to concentrate.

- We need to catch up.
- We need to catch up.

- There's not a second to lose.
- Not a second to lose.

- We have to hit hard and fast.
- Hit hard and fast.

Now that's my Snookums.

Seriously? You too?

What's the point of saying 8:30
if you barge in at...

Shit! I'm late!

I'm late!

Shit!

Shit, shit!

Coffee, sweetheart?

OK, but you make it.
I'm not falling for this twice.

Paul, we didn't wake up.

I can't believe it...

You're so cute.

My baby!

How you have grown!

He's truly the spitting image of us.

Yeah, especially me.

He's got nothing from the other two.

I'm heading out.

His toy is in the fridge
and his milk in the washer.

Don't worry, sweetheart.
Everything'll be fine.

Vivi, we wanted to ask you something.

We thought
it would be easier for everyone,

if everybody's OK with it,

that we take the little one
for a few days at our house.

Anything you want, sure.

But now I need to go.
I'm late.

Wish me luck with my mock exam.

She said, "Yes, anytime you want."

Yeah, I'm down south, finally.

We can sign for the delivery.
Yeah, great.

No problem.

Talk to you later.

Pardon?

That's very flattering,
but do you know I'm married?

It's true that a dinner together
wouldn't mean anything.

Now, you're starting to make me blush.

That's rather naughty.

That's a bit...

Listen to me, you damn pervert.

Snookums, he hung up
after "talk to you later."

We've been together for 40 years
and you fall for it every time.

Hello?

- Who is it?
- Yes!

- We're at home.
- Who is it?

At home, at our house.

Yeah, I'm with my bees.

But, Virginie, you said OK.

No, you're the one who...

Of course, but...

Ah, OK.
You'll arrive and there's hell to pay.

Now, listen to me!

We're your parents,
not a couple of dum-dums.

So calm down,
and come if you want,

and we'll talk like adults,
without yelling.

And that's non-negotiable!

Oh, no...

She hung up right after
"there's hell to pay."

Do you know that this is a kidnapping?

Come to Mummy, my baby.

When you kidnap someone,
you don't tell their parents in advance.

Since Roberto and Paula had more time
with him than us...

He needs rest. He's pale.

We just thought...

But you don't think.
That's the problem.

When I get home at night,
I just want to see my baby.

I've got better things to do
than come here to get him,

while I'm studying for my exam.

What's this smell?
What have you done now?

It's natural jasmine cream.

I put it all over his body.

I used to put it on you
when you were little.

It got rid of his eczema.

My love, you don't have eczema anymore.

This stuff is magic.

Yes, a bit.

No, it's not magic.

- It's the pure country air.
- Yeah, that too.

And it'd be good for you, too.

Stay with us tonight.

It's late.
We'll take good care of you two.

Shall we stay, my love?
We'll stay.

It's great down south

And bored out of your mind

Do you want to sit down?

You're comfy there, aren't you?
You see all this?

Yes, yes, yes.

Good morning, Mum.

- Oh, sweetheart.
- Are you all right?

- I'm fine, and you?
- Yes.

- Did you sleep well?
- Yes, I did.

I almost forgot how well you sleep here.

- Do you want a soft-boiled egg?
- Yes, thank you.

Here's some squeezed orange juice.

- Thyme from the garden.
- Here we are! Here we are!

From producer to consumer.

- No colouring, no preservatives.
- Thank you, Daddy.

- Do you want some?
- No, thank you, Snookums.

I love it. It's good, you'll see.

- I'm sure.
- It's excellent.

- Retirement is doing you good.
- Thank you.

I'm not gonna stay long
because I have a lot of studying to do.

I understand, sweetheart.

Did you know that Bayonne has
more open spots

for qualified teacher than in Paris?

It's pure mathematics.
It's less crowded.

You don't want to be a substitute
your whole life.

You can stay with us at the beginning.

We can enlarge the house
for the little one's room.

It's not that simple, Dad.

We talked it over with Bernard
at City Hall. It's as simple as that.

You'll have a better chance
of being a full-time teacher.

And there's a lot of space
in the nurseries here.

For the price of your apartment
in Paris,

you can have a very nice house.

I did a bit of scouting.
Look! With pools and everything.

Yeah, that's not bad.

- I have to talk to Paul about this.
- Of course.

All right, I'll get ready to go.

For the nutcases.

A villa with a pool for the price
of a studio in Paris

Paula!

Are you there?

Come here.

OK, Paula.

If we keep on bickering like this...

...it's certain defeat.

So we need to be a team.

Together.

We'll do a bang up job.

A bang up job, together.

So, what's your plan?

Meet me on the landing in 20 minutes.

What?

I love it when you pretend
to be interested in finance.

Excuse me? Have I not been running
a very big company all my life?

Just so you know,
this month we made 34 points.

We even bought out the whole building.

The whole thing! Shall I go on?

You don't run anything anymore.
I know you got fired.

You were at the right place
at the right time.

Excuse me, miss.
Do you have the Deceitful Bitch Weekly?

I can't find it here.

I see it.
It's right under Fake Italian Magazine.

Paula, that's going too far.

- But it's all you!
- No, I didn't do anything.

Madam, Robert.

We're good to go.
Your children have arrived.

Thank you.

- Hello, sir.
- Hello, madam.

- To. Roberto.
- Right.

So this is fine. Everything's validated.

The seller gave his power of attorney.

All you have to do
is sign here as legal guardian.

Excuse me.
Seller of what?

Guardian of whom?

Surprise!

So, Paul...

We're not so young anymore.

Your mother, especially.

- We thought about what's next.
- To leave something important to you.

To prevent your father
from spending all his money on cars.

So we've decided, to avoid
future estate costs, to offer...

A small apartment to Pumpkin.

160 square meters
in Saint-Germain-des-Prés, actually.

Well, a little comfortable
for a good start, you know.

That's great.
It's even amazing, but...

...it's strange.
- Why?

- He's still a baby.
- Yes, he is.

And I'm an adult struggling financially.

First of all, thank you very much
for him.

I hope you are not doing this
just to keep us in Paris.

What? Of course not.

It hasn't even crossed our minds,
quite frankly.

If you want to resell it,
you just need the child's signature.

That must have cost a lot of money.

Oh, it was nothing.

2.7 million.

In any case, I'm going to retire,
so I'll have my compensation.

And then...

I'll have a lot more time
to take care of Pumpkin, here!

I could handle the apartment,
and then pass it on to him.

He can handle it well on his own.

Great.

If you'll just sign here, please.

- We don't want to force you.
- No, not at all.

We have to think about it,
because I'm not sure we can accept.

Yes, you can.

Just sign here. And here.

A little 160 square metres
for the children!

What?

Malbrough makes his pack for war,
Mironton, mironton, mirontaine,

Malbrough makes his pack for war,
Knows not when he'll be back,

Knows not when he'll be back,
Knows not when he'll be back,

I repeat, the park is closed
for pest control. Thank you.

There'll be no park today,
my love.

Let's go.

Yeah, Simon, I'm coming.
I'm leaving now.

I'll be there before the doors close.
I'll be there in ten. OK?

I'll see you soon.

Go, go!

Yeah, I'm on my way,
I'll be right there.

If you could keep my students busy,
that would be great.

See you in a minute.

Dammit!

When's the shit show over, you twat?
Some of us are sleeping!

It was raging at sea, I'd say.

The right amount of wind.
It was extraordinary.

I'll call you back.

Raoul?

No, it's not what you think it is.

I have no thought in mind.

So, will you tell the children,
or will I?

Dad!
How dare you do this to me?

You are absolutely crazy!

Do you have nothing better to do
than this?

How old are you?

Seriously, I must be imagining things.

Raoul, thank you for confessing.

- It was well-intentioned.
- Well-intentioned, Paul?

The park, my bike...
Where's Mum, by the way?

Probably committing another crime
of stupidity.

Come here, my baby.
Come to Mummy, my love.

What...

- What's this smell?
- Huh?

He smells like a seagull.

Did you take him to the sea, Roberto?

Did you put sunscreen on him
and his hat?

Hold on now,
just who do you take me for?

He had hat-screen on and his sun

on his head.

Hang on. Here.

Look here.

You see?

- Whoo-hoo, Pumpkin!
- Yes?

You lunatic!

Skip to one minute and fifty seconds
to hear his first word!

Roberto,
it's starting to be too much.

- Too much, Raoul?
- Get out, both of you.

- Get out.
- That wasn't his first word.

- Get out, the two of you. Leave now.
- Paul!

Both of you.

Tell your wives we don't want to
see them anymore. Leave us alone.

My love...

- Dad?
- What?

The apartment.
Know where you can stick it?

Yeah, I think so.

Well? Hurry up!

Get out!

The comic's coming along.
I've done at least 25 boards.

I'm sorry, what? Yes.
I understand. You're absolutely right.

It just so happens
I had a little setback.

Yes, you're right, you're right.

A child isn't a complete setback.

I admit it.

Right now, we're still trying
to find our rhythm.

I have a good feeling about it.

Ouch!

What? No, that was a cry of joy!

Because I came up with
a great new twist for the story.

Something great.
Here, I've got...

I've got it all in my head.

Sure, OK.

So, in that case, I'll...

Hello?

Hello?

I wish you a pleasant day, too.

I feel like crying, too.

Kitesurfing?

Kitesurfing?

Kitesurfing, as in to kitesurf?

Like, out at sea?

With water and what have you?

Bloody Robert.

It's because he likes the sea,

and everything salty, like oysters.

And with his work schedule,
the long weekends.

It's not far by car.

- And Virginie has to...
- Stop talking, it's better.

Virginie, don't talk to me like that.
I'm not a kid.

When your mum told me it was urgent,

I wasn't expecting it to be so...

Urgent.

This is the last time
your father babysits, I mean it.

My dad didn't almost suffocate him
with foie gras.

- What about a nursery?
- No spots.

- What about a nanny?
- Can't find one.

It's what we wanted.
But I can't work when he's there.

Why is it always about you?
I have to study for my exam.

We're surrounded by four nut jobs.
I feel like I'm the only one who see it.

Nobody's supporting me.
Take responsibility, Paul.

Hold on, Virginie,
I might have something for you.

I had a couple a year ago who had
the same problems with grandparents.

What did they do?

Well, it was...

...original.

So, we made some inquiries.

We can't revoke your blood relations
with the child.

Well, I'll be...

- We would have loved to.
- We surely would have.

We can't.

He needs me. I'm the only one
who can calm him when he cries.

Because he cries?
When he's with me, he never cries.

Because you bore him to death.

- Excuse me?
- Again with it!

It's been like that since his birth.
It's hell.

We have no life because we have to deal
with him, and especially you.

And you're seriously driving us mad
with this moving business.

There are only two solutions.

The first one,
which I quite like, personally,

is to live on a desert island.

That way, by the time you find him,
the kid will be 23 to 24 years old,

and won't associate with you.

OK, and the second one?

- You must get a grandparent's licence.
- What?

A licence that proves you are suitable
to be grandparents.

Until you do, you won't be allowed
to see him.

What the hell is this stupid thing?

Pumpkin wouldn't be OK with this.

Stop calling him Pumpkin.
His name is...

It's not too hard to remember, right?

For once, Roberto's right.
Don't forget we were parents before you.

No licence, no Pumpkin.

We'll come back when you decide
to act like adults.

GRANDPARENT LICENCE TEST

This, being an official examination,

I don't want to hear anybody talking.

No cheating.

There is no tolerance for that.

I was sure I had them...

OK, first question.

In your opinion, out of these four,
who would make the best nanny?

Option A.

Option B.

Option C.

Option D.

Papa, you would have your grandson
looked after by Émile Louis.

I thought it was Joel Robuchon.

Great.

- What's that?
- That's the storage room.

You're crazy!

Which is the best method of heating up
a baby bottle?

Three, two, one, Go!

Stop.

Yes!

Stop that!

Go!

And stop!

- So, Mum?
- Yes?

Congratulations, you got your license.

- I thought I screwed it up. I'm so glad!
- Show-off.

Dad.

Well done, you passed, too.

A round of applause.

Right, so...

When are the next exam dates?

All right then, Dad, Mum.

- Yes?
- I'm the first to be surprised.

Thanks to your knowledge
of mechanics and management

and a know-how in Shiatsu
and wellness,

you have, by some miracle,
got your grandparent's license.

Congratulations.

I applaud myself, alone.

OK, well then.

Have you decided where you want to live?

No, not yet.
But in any case, congratulations to all.

- Well, yeah.
- Thank you for playing along.

Now you're ready for the practical test.

What?

- What do you mean?
- Oh no, that wasn't part of the plan.

Oh, yes.

You four will spend some time together.

- And no fuss.
- Oh no.

- No, no, no.
- Oh yes. And since we need to work,

it will only be the four of you,
with the kid.

- With Pumpkin to ourselves?
- Without you two?

Exactly, but in a neutral place.
Not in Paris, and not in the south.

Dad, why not take everybody
to the mountains, where we used to go.

- In Crest-Voland?
- Yeah, I haven't been there in ages.

- I loved it there. He'll love it, too.
- Me, skiing?

Never!

It's amazing!

Let's take a picture.
Come on, Snookums.

Let's take a picture, so we can show
the kids that we've arrived safely.

Come here, Snookums!

Lieutenant Marie-Joelle Franceschini.

My mission:

Ensuring the cohesion of the group
and the security of Pumpkin.

I'm warning you
that I have my eyes on you.

Now, go get your suitcases.

Yes.

Who's that?

The room is perfect.

Thank you

I've got the view of Mont Blanc.

Paula has left the group chat

All's well here.

Could we do without Marie-Jo at the end?

It's out of the question!

Come on, you can trust us now.

Raoul and I are super mates.

We are a family.

Head first...

Come on.
We want to be just us four.

Say yes.

...we paid her for the week.
It's no

Hey! That'll calm the Nazi down.

You tuck your arms in well.
Safety first.

But, Paula, you had Pumpkin.
He needs to see this.

- No, I gave him to Raoul.
- I gave him to Marie-Jo who wanted him.

No!

No!

The brakes!

There are no brakes!

No!

My Lord!

My baby!

Come to Mummy, my love.

My love.

How's Marie-Jo doing?

Well, actually, she's in a cast.

In a cast? Her leg?

No, higher.

Here?

Higher.

- Here?
- You got it.

I'm gonna crack.
I can't take it anymore.

- They're ruining our lives.
- Vivi, we need to take a step back.

Maybe it was an accident.
They've been making an effort lately.

Paul, did you see the condition
of your son?

Accidents happen, all right?

Well, I know, but imagine.

They're in the mountains,
they're on sleds, Marie-Jo arrives...

You're pissing me off.

Sweetie, will you give me two minutes
with Mummy?

What's wrong?

Virginie kicked me out.

It just got worse and worse.

Plus, with my job...

The time to do something else
was running out.

She was always complaining about you two
and I was complaining about her parents.

EXAM CENTRE

Hello, Émilie. How are you?

- She's not feeling too well today.
- Nope.

- Are you sure it's here?
- Yes, she said number 5.

Come here, Snookums.

What the hell are you doing?

Now's not the time. Come on.

Come on now, Snookums.

You weren't followed here?

Don't worry.
They don't know we're seeing you.

Roberto's not coming?

Ciao a tutti.

Roberto.

I've gathered you here
because the family is in danger.

La familia.

Why do you guys always overdo it?

That's what they're pissed off about.

As if you two have never gone too far.

You've been suffocating them
by coming here all the time

and wanting them to move down south.

When your name is Paula,
and you name your son Paul,

the term suffocation is rather...

You never paid me back for
the wedding flowers, what's that called?

That has nothing to do with this.

Besides, we paid for the DJ.

It was your cousin. He had three CDs.

And daring to wear a shirt like that.

Sorry,
that has nothing to do with this.

But I had to say it.

Sorry, Roberto, but we're not here
to talk about ourselves.

Let's think about our children.

What do we do now?
Virginie's really hurting.

And Paul.

I have an idea.

Good morning, sir.
Don't Leave Your Wife.

Starting Thursday.

Hello. Don't Leave Your Wife.
Starting Thursday.

Children whose parents separate have
1 in 2 chances of becoming serial killers

Paul!

- Where's Paul?
- He left with Didi.

SEPARATION
IT SUCKS, REALLY SUCKS!

Virginie, Virginie.

Be nice to Paul.
And Paul, you too.

You mustn't argue like that.

Now, give each other a kiss.

That's better.

I want you to stop fighting, OK?

Mum?

Paula?

Welcome to Martinique!

This is your honeymoon, kids.
Have a seat.

Sit down, sit down.

Paula, just let yourself go.
You're off-beat.

I don't understand,
I'm usually good at Zumba.

Welcome to Martinique!

Ah, that's it!

- Where's Pumpkin?
- Where's who?

He's with his babysitter.

We can still have one evening
without him.

This is our gift.

Your honeymoon.

That'll give you two some time together.

We've learned our lesson.
Everyone has their own life.

- We wouldn't want to bother you.
- We'll stop trying to influence you.

As Vivi has passed her exam
and Paul has finished his comic.

Perhaps now you know
where you'd like to live?

MIND YOUR OWN BEESINESS

Can you pass me the glasses, dear?

- Thank you.
- Careful, now.

I got them.

Thank you.

Here you are.

Hello, everyone!

- Hello!
- Hey, Roberto, how are you?

I'm fine, I'm fine.

What about my grandson?

- Look, there's Grandpa.
- Hey, my little man!

Hello!

Hello!

How handsome you are.
Say something to Grandpa.

- That's how you say hello.
- There's Mummy.

Mummy.

- He understands.
- Snookums.

It's so good to see you.
You look great, Roberto.

Robert, you can call me Robert.

Ah, Robert.

The French are more popular
than the Italians here in Morocco.

- I'm Robert.
- How nice for you to be French again.

- Robert.
- Yeah, it's great.

I'm not bad at it.

What about you, retirees?

- How's it going in Marseille?
- Splendid!

But it was too short.
We're going home tomorrow.

- Oh, already?
- Can I squeeze in, sweetheart?

I hope they'll visit us often.

Can you sign this for Antoine?

The neighbour's son.

He's a fan.

He thinks his parents' life
is exactly like that.

Although I think
it's a bit over the top.

A bit over the top?

I didn't even tell it all.

Next time we come to see the kids,
you're coming with us, Robert.

I'd love to.

We'll try to come see you, Dad.

When you can.
I'll come home sometimes.

This summer, when I give birth.

I'd love that.

When I'm in labour,
who'll look after Pumpkin?

- Me!
- Me!

Subtitling: EVA France