Bottoms Up (1974) - full transcript

[static whirring]

[upbeat music]

♪ Bottoms up, bottoms up

♪ Bottoms up, bottoms up

♪ Bottoms up, Bavarian style

♪ Bottoms up, bottoms up

♪ Bottoms up, bottoms up

♪ Bottoms up, Bavarian style

♪ I propose a toast
to our fellow men

♪ Faithful and true
except now and then

♪ I propose a toast
to our fellow men



♪ Faithful and true
except now and then

♪ When he sees a pretty lass

♪ He's sure to pinch her ass

♪ While he's guzzling beer

♪ He's watching legs
and tits and rears

♪ He likes to hear
the girlies squeal

♪ Every time he cops a feel

♪ But of course
he'll never cheat

♪ Unless the frauline's in heat

♪ Bottoms up, bottoms up

♪ Bottoms up, bottoms up

♪ Bottoms up, Bavarian style

♪ Bottoms up, bottoms up

♪ Bottoms up, bottoms up



♪ Bottoms up, Bavarian style

♪ I propose a toast
to our fellow men

♪ Faithful and true
except now and then

♪ I propose a toast
to our fellow men

♪ Faithful and true
except now and then

♪ When in flirting he indulges

♪ His leather shorts
start showing bulges

♪ And he'll try
for some caresses

♪ Underneath the
Frauline's dresses

♪ But that's as far
as he'll explore

♪ Unless the maiden
asks for more

♪ Then how can he defy her

♪ He's honor bound
to satisfy her

♪ Bottoms up, bottoms up

♪ Bottoms up, bottoms up

♪ Bottoms up, Bavarian style.

- [Narrator] When the
story starts like this,

you know you're in trouble.

♪ Bottoms up, bottoms up

♪ Bottoms up, Bavarian style

[man shouting]

- Holy shit, you
stupid bastard you.

You fucking dumbkopf.

- Pardon.

- What?

- Please forgive me.

I'm sorry, fill it up with
the cheap stuff please.

[tires screeching]

- Do something, make them move.

- Ha, you think I can speak cow?

- Hurry up or we'll
miss the Professor.

Damn it, drive around them.

- Going far?

- Never mind, just
please fill it.

- [Sally] I said
pull around the cows,

not around the mountain.

You're absolutely useless,
the Professor's gone by now.

- [Heiner] Shucks, this
never happens to James Bond.

- [Sally] Quick
Heiner, there he is.

Bring the rifle hurry up.

[suspenseful music]

- [Heiner] Don't worry
I'll get him this time.

- While you're watching,

think you could pull that
car back on the road?

Well don't just stand
there, can you do it?

- You're not supposed
to shoot at animals.

- He's not shooting at animals.

- At what then?

- At a man.

- Oh, all right
then, but no animals.

Come on Hilda, back to work.

[suspenseful music]

Come on hurry Hilda, I
wanna see him shoot a man.

Hey, come on, come on.

That's it, that's it.

[gun firing]

- Darn you, I missed.

- Oh, sorry.

Why don't you try again.

- [Heiner] I will.

- [Sally] Thank you my good man.

- You're welcome.

[engine revving]

- [Professor] Please hurry.

- Ah, shut up asshole.

- Huh, what did you say?

- I said I'm almost finished.

[suspenseful music]

[gun firing]

[Professor screaming]

- Hey, what's a matter,
have you got hemorrhoids?

- No, I'm shot.

Please, here, here, take this.

Microfilm, a new discovery.

Gasoline, made from cow manure.

- Oh, oh, hey don't
die, no, no, no.

Oy, shot in the hemorrhoids,
killed like a dog.

The microfilm, no,
ah, there it is.

Microfilm.

[upbeat music]

[suspenseful music]

You've got to help me, he's
been shot, murdered, murdered!

Just come, come and see
for yourself please.

Of course he's dead.

No mistake I'm sure.

The corpse is driving away.

Stop, stop, come
back here you corpse!

Will you listen, see
he's driving off.

You're full of
shit, I'm not crazy.

Damn microfilm, now he's
gonna jerk my hose off.

He, god, the pump, stop
fooling with me Xaver.

He's pulling my
hose down the road.

It's your job Xaver,
get down here.

What?

For Christ sake, he hung up.

Ah, shit.

[upbeat music]

- [Narrator] I knew this
could only mean trouble.

- Come in.

- Do you mean come
in or push in?

- It makes no difference to me.

[speaking in foreign language]

- What a beautiful
bottom I've found.

- But not now, I
must milk the cows.

- Oh, that's marvelous,

and after them you can milk me.

[upbeat music]

- You see how easily we could
have killed you Professor?

You're lucky it was
a knock out dart.

I hope we've taught
you a lesson.

Give us the formula now, okay?

- I don't have the formula.

- Well, in that
case dear Professor,

you leave us no choice,
we'll have to kill you.

- Well, then you have a
real problem, you see,

for if I am dead, then
the formula is also dead.

- You're getting
me mad Professor.

[clicking tongue]

Now look, tell me
where the formula is.

Where's the formula?

I'll break your head.

Where is it?

- Oh is she cute.

- Huh, concentrate man,
the formula, the formula.

- How can I think of formulas

with a naked woman
prancing about?

- Knock it off Professor,
you're too old for that.

I want that formula.

- I haven't got it.

- Where did you hide it?

- Take care of the
car, I'll handle it.

- Okay.

- [Sally] Dear Professor.

- [Professor] Yes,
luscious bite.

- Herr Professor, darling.

Professor you're my type.

Intellectual men arouse me.

Would you like me to
stroke your sliderule.

- Yes, go ahead.

- I will if you'll.

- Oh, for you anything.

- Uh huh, and the formula,
you'll tell me where it is.

- Positively not.

- But Professor.

- No, no.

- It's just a little formula.

For me?

- But it's just not with me.

- Where is it?

- I don't have it
with me now, really.

But let's not worry about
a silly little formula.

- What did you do hide
it at the station?

- Hide it, with that mad fool?

[chuckles]

I wouldn't do that.

I am not that silly.

The formula is hidden where
you'd never, ever look for it

and I'll never tell you where.

- We'll see about that.

Lock him in the trunk.

- Right.

[Professor shouting]

- God damn it, where
did he throw it?

It could be valuable.

Here microfilm, here microfilm.

Come to Sandy.

Ah, it makes synthetic petrol.

If I find it, maybe
it's worth a million.

All right Sandy you
must think a little.

Where in this place
would you hide?

You just wait, I'll find you.

The murderers, the formula,
they want the formula.

[man shouting]

They'll kill me, unless, unless,

unless I get 'em first.

My god.

- Stupid bloody ladder, shoot.

[grunting]
[clanging]

- Mein Fuhrer.

- Mein who?

- You want me to
wash your socks?

- I've done harm.

Xaver!

Xaver, I didn't mean it wake up.

It was a mistake, wake up.

[panicked grunting]

Here Xaver.

- I'm washing them,
I'm washing them.

That's enough water.
- Are you all right?

- Stop, stop it, stop it.

- I'm sorry, I thought you
were the murdering spies.

- That water went past my mouth,

up my nose and everywhere.

What do you think you are doing?

- You want some whiskey
for a little chaser?

- Oh I might, a
little tiny taste,

but just for medicinal
purposes, that's all.

- Here, here, drink this.

- Thank you.

- Huh, it's nice.

[Xaver mumbling]

- Hey give me that bottle back.

- Now come on, please don't
drink the whole freaking bottle.

A man's been murdered and you
finished my favorite schnapps.

- Ah yes, because I just need
this bottle for my evidence.

- For Christ's sake.

- You don't suppose I drink this

just because I wanted a
drink of whiskey do you?

Here, hold this while
I find my pencil.

Hmm, let's see,
murdered you just said.

- Okay.
- Just a minute.

- But that's awful it
- Wait, just

- happened over there.
- a second I've just

dropped my pencil.

- Where?

- On the ground you fool.
- I can't believe this,

you lose your pencil
when you're supposed

to be finding clues.

Oh there's still some left.

[exclaiming]

- [Xaver] Ah, here
it is, I found it.

- So did I.

- What did you find, tell me.

- The formula.

- What's with this formula?

- It's for, for, say for
Pete's sake, that automatic.

Stick that heater in
there before you shoot us.

- It's not loaded, I'll
show you it's not loaded.

See there.

[gun firing]

[frightened gulping]

- Ah, it feel so good to be
milking both of you this way.

[both groaning]

- [Kuhhirtin] Doctor, doctor.

- Oh, what's this, I
think there's something

strange going on here.

I think I'll go and look.

It might be those
crooks of Sandlers

and what is this?

- [Tino] I'm coming, I'm coming.

- Halt!

[speaking in foreign language]

What's this all about?

- It's a menage a trois idiot.

- Don't swear at
me you foreigner.

I saw you both
screwing that cow.

- So, it's a bi-sex
with a bison.

We're all consenting adults.

- How about doing
it inside, at home,

behind closed doors.

- We've tried, but the cow,
she's too big for the door.

- Ah ha, now you admit
that you're a pervert, huh?

[Tino speaking in
foreign language]

We know how to deal with
people like you around here.

Yeah, give me your passport.

- My passport?

It's missing.

- Ah ha, you're probably a spy.

Now who are you spying for?

- A spy, me?

I'm an American Italian.

- Yeah, yeah, that's
right Mafioso.

It makes no damn
difference to me you hear.

- Ah, but my friend has
passport, I'll call him.

Emil, come on out.

- What's up Tino?

- Don't ask questions.

- Come here.
- Come right here.

I hope he's got it,
- Yeah, sure

- otherwise the prison.
- I'm coming now.

[grunting]

- And what seems to
be the big problem?

- I'll tell...

[dramatic music]

Nothing, nothing.

I'll, I'll, I'll see you later.

[both chuckling]

- How was the milking girl?

- Oh, I never found out.

I was interrupted as
I was about to come.

I'll have to try again tomorrow.

- When's my turn Tino?

- Take it easy
I'll find you one.

Leave it to me to find the
one big enough for you huh?

I'll let you know when I do.

[upbeat music]

- Here's your beer Franz.

- Thanks Zenzi dear, how
about a little action now.

- Will you quit that
Franz, I'm working, please.

- Can't you get off
work for a little fun?

Or let's see if we can
do it here this way huh?

- Yeah, but you need
a Zenzi special.

[gasping]

[chuckling]

[upbeat music]

- [Narrator]
Sherlock Holmes said

always look through the
local paper for suspects

and there's one now.

- Zenzi, hold on, wait a minute.

I want something to eat.

A blue plate and a beer.

- Okay Sandy.

- The boss, where is he?

- He's over there.

- Oh yeah, thank you.

Huber!

- Who did that?

Sandler, what are you doing?

- Shh, I'll tell you, but
you must keep it a secret.

You must keep it a secret.

- Uh huh, a woman.

- Huber, we could become rich.

- Rich!

- Not so loud, someone
could be listening.

Spies are everywhere
around here.

You, you must promise
me not to tell anyone.

- Don't I always
keep our secrets?

[humming]

- Now for instance,
I didn't tell

your wife about your mistress.

- Shut your mouth.

- [Customer] Frauline,
another beer please.

- Okay.

[gasping]

You're so anxious, you can
get your spaghetti yourself.

This is somebody's order.

There you are, now you can
place your order mister.

- I would expand this hotel,

I could get some
happy hookers too.

- Now, just a second, we'd
better check out some things,

but I haven't got
the right equipment.

So perhaps your
projector would work.

- You want my still projector?

- I'm talking about a tiny
little piece of microfilm.

- Fooey.

- Why do you say that?

- [Huber] I'm not
getting mixed up

with any of your dirty films.

- [Sandler] I'm talking about
microfilms, not beaver films.

- I know how you
make your money.

- Now please, give
me that soup plate.

I'm saying it's a
little microfilm

containing a formula
worth millions.

It'll make gas from crap.

- It what?

- I'm telling you from
bullshit, it makes gasoline.

- How so?

- Huber, this product
will be revolutionary.

Think of that.

- Sounds good let me see it.

- You don't expect me
to show it to you here.

- Here's your dinner Sandler.

- Thank you.

- Wait a minute,
that's not yours.

- Just put it down thanks.

Listen, I'm going to
make you a proposal okay.

- Oh so.

- You're kid has a projector
for enlargements right?

You make it available
and we're in business.

- Sure, okay we can do that.

- Good, where is this formula?

- [Sandler] Leather shorts.

- Leather shorts?

- Keep it quiet,
I've told you spies.

I pinned it inside.

Shh, if they try to find
it, they'll have bad luck.

Wait, that's my food.

[bell dinging]

- Why are we stopping here?

- This is as nice
a place as any.

Maybe we can find some
women and have some fun.

- We haven't got much
money left you know.

- Emil, have I
ever let you down?

The girls will treat us.

There must be a piece for
you and a piece for me.

- Oh, I don't believe it.

- Don't worry about it.

First, I know I can find a way

into those Bavarian bushes.

- You think you can.

- What do you think?

[grunting]

- Oh?

- Just my bag, come
on, give me a coin.

- Our very last mark.

Now we got nothing left.

- Don't worry, isn't
it beautiful, this
lovely landscape?

- [Emil] Sure, great,
but what are we

gonna do, eat the land?

- [Tino] Don't worry, if
things go as I planned,

we will soon be frolicking
in that bush garden

and just look at all
those Bavarian bushes.

- Yeah, nice, but we
can't eat those bushes.

- You'd be surprised.

Look at that, a man
could find all he wants

in this wonderful country.

Hey, look what we found.

- Empty, nothing, now
what do you suggest?

- Hey look, some Bavarian
bush right there.

Hey, need a good bush whacker?

Uh huh, watch this.

Hey, hey, hey!

[upbeat music]

Senorina, I'd like
to give your lovely

Bavarian bush a feel okay?

- Get stuffed runt.

- Oh please, I'm enthralled
by your Bavarian bush.

I must have it!

[shouting]

- Sorry you flipped over
me kid, but no thanks.

- Have anymore ideas Tino?

- Of course, let me think.

- Oh, now I'll show you

what's gonna make us rich.

- [Huber] Oh, in there?

[chuckling]

- Laugh go ahead,
I'll bet I could show

those spies a few things.

- Is that it?

- Put it in.

[both exclaiming]

- It seems a bit complicated,
do you understand it?

Do you Sandy?

- Hmm, might be chemicals.

- Could the pharmacist
read it, or the doctor?

- Hmm, and our millions
they will shrink

if we cut in the doctor
and the pharmacist.

- Hid it in a pair
of leather shorts.

- But which pair
of leather shorts.

- I've been thinking you know.

- Ah, don't think too hard,

you may strain your scrotum.

- Okay baby, what's your plan.

- I think best in
bed you know that.

Especially while I'm screwing.

Are you up to it super agent?

- Well, I don't mind balling,

when it's for a
good purpose Sally.

[groaning]

♪ It's in the air
everyone's having an affair

♪ They all lose control in Tyrol

♪ The wenches are doing
some fabulous screwing

♪ In the horny old town of Tyrol

[yodeling]

♪ Yes love is so great in Tyrol

♪ It must be the town,
each boy and girl go down

♪ They all lose control in Tyrol

- I'm thinking, I'm
thinking, oh, I'm thinking.

♪ Everyone's giving head

♪ In the horny old town

- Hey Zenzi, what are you doing?

- Shh, they're screwing.

- Oh yeah?

- It's coming, it's coming.

- [Franz] So am I.

- Get away you
pervert, stand back.

♪ Love's so great in Tyrol.

[upbeat music]

[yodeling]

- Hey, Lois!

- Oh hi Claudia.

♪ Yes, love's the game in Tyrol

- What's wrong
Lois, what happened?

- Oh Claudia, your uncle said
we shouldn't meet anymore.

- [Claudia] The old fart.

- You shouldn't make fun of him.

- But he is an old fart

and he has no right
to keep us apart.

After all, we're
practically engaged.

- I know how you feel.

There's no place for us to meet.

- Poor boy, just get the ladder

and come up to my
room tonight, okay.

- And what about your uncle huh?

- We don't have to
worry about him,

because his friends are
taking him out tonight.

- All right, but if I'm ever
found inside your bedroom,

then we're both in big trouble.

- Oh don't worry hun, I'll
be waiting up for you.

[chuckling]

[whistling]

- Well, did you get any ideas?

- Uh huh.

- What for instance?

- You'll see soon enough.

- [Sandler] Claudia,
hey Claudia.

- [Claudia] Yes uncle?

- [Sandler] Get my pipe tobacco.

- [Claudia] Okay.

- [Sandler] I'll be in
the hotel in the bar.

- [Claudia] I'll
bring it right down.

- Uh huh, just fits my plan.

Hurry up, it's time
to go to work again.

- You're thinking wore me
out, I think I'll take a nap.

[dog barking]

- It's miserable, not one
decent shot of a nude woman.

It looks like the
hairs on Huber's ass

and it means as much to me.

- What?

But Sandler is right,
it really makes

about as much sense as my
bottom, it's all Greek.

Would one of you men like
to take a better look?

- Not at your bottom.

I think I know.

Uh huh, you were pretty
close about Huber's ass.

Yeah, except it's cow shit.

- Huber?

- Yeah?

- Bring a beer.

[upbeat music]

[wood cracking]

[dog barking]

[upbeat music]

- [Claudia] Oh finally, I
thought you'd never get here.

[humming]

- Look out sweetheart,
here comes a man.

- [Claudia] And what
a man, what a man.

- [Sally] Get ready,
he's coming, now, now.

- [Claudia] I am
ready come, come.

- Is this what you
planned, a threesome?

- Oh my god Lois, I
thought he was you.

He climbed into my bed.

- You expect me to
believe that nonsense,

that you couldn't
tell the difference

between this little piece
of stinkin' garbage and me?

[punches landing]
[grunting]

[grunting]
[punches landing]

[punches landing]
[grunting]

♪ Oh my darlin'

♪ Oh my darlin'

- [Man] We're trying to
sleep, shut up you bastards.

♪ Oh my darlin' Clementine.

- I'll get you!

[grunting]

- So long baby, don't
forget where we left off.

♪ Oh my darlin'

♪ Oh my darlin' Clementine

[shouting]

[thumping]

- Bravo, bravo!
- Are you a pole vaulter?

- That's the way I used to
visit Anna when I was young.

[all chuckling]

- That's an exit to be proud of.

- Bravo.

- Maybe she has time for me.

If she does, I'll
show her a real man.

[shouting]

Still another one, she's
got 'em all jumpin'.

- You're her uncle.

- Right.

- And as a guardian
you're not worth a shit.

- I'm pleased to meet ya.

- You didn't even know they
came from your niece's room.

[all chuckling]

- Down in her roomey, room, room

she goes bang, bang,
bang, boomey, boom.

- Hush you stupid chump.

♪ Oh my darlin'

♪ Oh my darlin'

- Shh, you'll wake my wife up.

♪ Oh my darling Clemetine

♪ Oh my darling Clementine

♪ You are lost and gone forever.

- What's going on
here, where's my Josef?

- Your husband's going up a
ladder to your niece's bedroom.

[cackling]

- My husband is what?

He must be crazy drunk.

- Go get him Anna.

[exclaiming]

- Ah you're promiscuous huh?

So any man'll do.

I saw them, I saw
them, yeah, uh huh

and I don't like it, your men
just sneak in and out huh?

Seems you don't
know where to stop.

- But they climbed
in though the window.

What could I do?

- Josef, how can you do this?

The town, this'll
finish us here.

[giggling]

- She thinks you and me.

[Anna shrieking]

Oh my god, Geronimo!

What's happening,
the ground is moving.

Somebody stop the ground.

- He's an outright cad.

Look at that miserable dumbkopf.

Never set foot in here again!

Cover yourself Claudia.

[upbeat music]

- Yeck.

- Ah yoohoo [giggling]

Hey, how 'bout you and me huh?

- Know that man?

- Uh oh, he was dead,
shot in the hemorrhoids,

so help me god, just thinking
about it I pissed in my pants.

- He was at you
gas station right?

- Yeah, uh huh.

- And he gave you some film.

- Yeah, but I threw it away

and he drove away
without paying me,

ah but dead men don't drive.

- Where is the film?

- You want me to prove it?

I haven't got any film.

I'll show you every part
of my beautiful body.

It's not there see,
you know what's inside.

- Balls.

- It's thrilling, it
takes the breath away.

♪ If your here there's
no use in crying

♪ If she's small take
dead aim at the center

♪ If you keep a
pushin' and tryin'

♪ She'll spread out
and allow you to enter.

- Pretty thing, come to me.

I've got what you need, see?

- Where is the formula?

- Okay, I'll tell
you, I've hidden it

in a pair of leather
pants, but which pair?

Or maybe I hid it in
your clothes, let's see.

[clanging]

Let's show each other.

- [Rooster] Any cock'll do.

[birds tweeting]

[upbeat music]

- [Rooster] Will my cock do?

- Ciao bambina!

[chuckling]

[exclaiming]

[speaking in foreign language]

- And what have you been doing?

- Screwing like a head.

- How was it?

- Eh, not too bad.

Ah, but you know women, she
got temperamental at me so.

- You never quit
wasn't once enough?

- Not enough to get us this
bread and bacon, come on.

[vocalizing joyfully]

- Well, I guess that's fair,

at least I'll get
some food out of it.

Wow, what a loaf of bread.

[upbeat music]

- Here you are Emil.
- Thanks.

- Here.

- Oh, oh, is that all?

- Well, I'm the one
that did the balling.

[crickets chirping]

- Thanks for keeping our secret.

- But of course I kept
it, my millions are at.

Do you think I'm the type
that would tell a secret.

- Where is my
formula, I need it.

- I left it at the
drugstore laboratory

and maybe it's not secure.

Those nasty spies, it's
possible they'll kill us.

[grunting]

- [Professor] Oh,
you're very strong.

- Uh huh, yes, but listen
there's muscle up here

and in my arms also huh,
I'm strong everywhere.

I'll show you, let
me demonstrate.

- [Professor] I'd appreciate it.

- It's okay, lean forward
and I'll untie you.

Do you know where
the drugstore is?

- [Professor] Yeah.

- You go there and wait for me.

I'll get my clothes and
join you, and please wait.

Don't move an inch
you understand?

You leave and they'll kill you.

- Oh no, they wouldn't
kill me again.

- Yes, they sure
would shoot you.

- Shoot, yeah.

- Remember, I have the formula,
that's what they're after.

Do you think you could
translate, a little bit of it.

- Uh huh, that's easy.

[Professor snorting
and giggling]

- And when you do,
we'll keep it for us.

[giggling]

[suspenseful music]

- Sally look out!

- [Sally] Stop him,
don't let him get away.

[grunting]

[upbeat music]

- [Xaver] Halt, halt!

Stop there in the
name of the law.

- Xaver am I glad to see you.

You're just in time, I'm
escaping from the spies.

That makes no sense,
you should be ashamed.

- No sense, the
Professor will prove it.

Phone him at the drug store.

- Why at least don't
you have underwear?

You're a disgrace you
shouldn't be out in public.

- I'm trying to tell you,
they stole my clothes.

- I'm warning you
one more damn time,

if you don't get
dressed quickly,

I'm gonna lock you up.

- I said my clothes were robbed.

- You're under arrest now
Sandler, do I make myself clear?

- Perfectly, but you'll
have to catch me first.

- Halt, halt.

- Come back here you.
- I'll see you around.

- Come back.
- Bye.

- You just wait'll I get you.

♪ All the girls keep
running after the hot rod

♪ Around him they
all like to flock

♪ To the wenches he's
just like a sex god

♪ He rules all his
chicks like a cock

♪ We love the hot rod

♪ He's the young fountains

♪ All the wenches
fight to be drenched.

- Look at him go,
look crazy hmm.

Good morning ma'am.

Oh, uh oh.

[upbeat music]

- Halt, I see you!

Stop I said, stop.

Stop, I'm coming to get you.

[grunting]

[upbeat music]

Aw, shit, stop Sandler,
I'm gonna get you

if it's the last
thing I ever do.

[grunting]

Ow, god damn it.

- Oh no, Sandy,
where are you going?

That bastard, I'll bet he's
been screwing in the bushes.

I'll fix him.

- Son of a bitch never gives
up, I'll hide in the house.

Oh no, that'll be the
first place he'll look.

I'll hide behind the wood.

[upbeat music]

[thumping]

[gasping]

[groaning]

- Oh Xaver, how'd you put
your clothes on so fast?

- Ah ha, your husband is cuckoo

and ma'am it seems to
me that you're a bit

mixed up and peculiar too.

I think I should
arrest you also ma'am.

- Ah, but I made a mistake.

I thought you were that
no good husband of mine.

That bastard, I'll
pluck out his eyes

and bash his head in if
I get my hands on him.

- Ah, he's not here then?

- [Anna] No, he's
outside flaunting it.

- Excuse me, I'd better
try and stop him.

- Ah ha.
- Oh.

- Hi Xaver.

- Oh hi Sandler.

- Now let me tell you
what has happened.

- Not now, I've
gotta catch a lunatic

that's running around naked.

- Uh huh, so...

[chuckling] now it's you
that's freaked out, too bad.

[gasping]

Now what was the cop
doing in the house?

Can you explain that?

- This time you damn stupid
fool, you've really done it.

Appearing in front of the
whole town naked, how dare you?

- You won't believe this,
but I was kidnapped by spies.

- Don't tell me you were
kidnapped you philanderer.

I know what you're like, you
were up to your old tricks

you reprobate scaring
all the young girls

by taking off all your clothes.

- No, there really
are two spies.

- You expect me to
believe that story?

Come, come on, get
inside you, get inside.

- [Sandler] Oh my ear, let
me explain, come back here.

Anna, Anna, unlock
the door, Anna.

Oh Anna, please don't go away,

don't leave me here, come back.

Mommy, you can't leave me here,

listen, come home,
mommy, please come back.

[upbeat music]

- There's a lot of
leather shorts out there.

- [Sally] Well, we'll have
to go through them all

until we find the pair
with the microfilm.

- Most of them are at the inn.

That should make it easier.

- Where the hell is my costume?

God damn it, I know
I brought it with me.

It isn't here and I needed
it to mingle with the locals.

- This would never
happen to Bridget Bardot.

- Oh yeah, and Sean Connery
wouldn't just stand there,

he'd put his head to work
and get me a costume.

- Well, how about this
little number Sally, huh?

I'm sure it fits.

[giggling]

- I'm supposed to be waiting
on tables outside you fool you.

- Pretend I'm your
order and eat me up.

- You'll have to catch me.

[giggling]

- Now comes the best
part, the dessert

and the dessert is me.

- And here's another piece.

- That's nice, but
I hope it fits.

- You can make anything
fit, I should know.

- Oh, very funny.

[giggling]

[humming]

- Here.

- That's fine, now
I'm ready to go.

- Oh, but you're always
ready to go liebchen.

Come here.

- Oh.

[giggling]

- Get ready!

[grunting]

[upbeat music]

- Let me tell you
something, you're not gonna

be dancing with anybody tonight.

- Screw you!

- I'm telling you!

[grunting]

- [Lois] Uh huh.

- [Claudia] What do
you think you're doing?

Stop it.

Stop.

- [Lois] Oh come on
Claudia, a bush in the hand

is worth two birds on the loose.

- [Claudia] Get away you creep.

[chuckling]

- [Lois] Just a little more.

- [Claudia] Stop it
you laundry freak.

- [Lois] Fresh air's
good for little beavers.

[upbeat music]

- I wonder, how do we find
the formula in this crowd?

- Oh, I've got the whole
thing planned, see you around.

[upbeat music]

[giggling]

[grunting]

- [Claudia] Come on
Sepp, let's dance.

- Anything you say honey, I've
been waiting for this chance.

[giggling and exclaiming]

[upbeat music]

- Bullshit.

[giggling and exclaiming]

- That's her Tino, that's
the girl I want for me.

- There you go again,
she's too hot for you.

What do you think you're doing?

I know how to stop you,
you're embarrassing me, poof.

Frauline, give me that.

[exclaiming]

- Hey!

[punch landing]
[grunting]

- I've heard about you faggot.

Why don't you go back to the
city where you came from?

- But you're so masculine.

- I'll let you feel my arm.

[upbeat music]

[rooster crowing]

- [Claudia] What a
cock a doodle oh, wow.

- And there really is
a professor, it's true.

- He arrived today.

- Where did you hide him?

- In the cellar of my pharmacy.

There's nothing to worry about,

he's perfectly safe down there.

- I hope so.

- Hey doctor, hey doctor,
come, I'm in an awful fix.

My old lady put me behind bars.

- I see you're
under house arrest

and you make a good prisoner.

- You don't say.

Oh fuck, get me outta
here, you'll see the key,

it's up over the jamb.

[upbeat music]

- If you want a girl, you
gotta dance around here.

You gotta give them
the sweet talk,

then you have to ram it in.

When she says no, just ram
it home and she's happy.

It would have been easier to
get laid at a rock festival.

- Yes, but only
with the peasants.

You wait for me here.

[speaking in foreign language]

You have gorgeous legs, let
me feel your Bavarian bush.

[pained screeching]

My finger, my finger,
somebody take it off of me.

- Bastard, you should
be ashamed of yourself.

You see, that's what
you get for being

so fresh all the time.

[upbeat music]

[sneezing]

- Christ almighty.

Where's my plate,
I must find it.

Oh, ah!

[crunching]

And I was so hungry too.

- You can still suck
Xaver [chuckling].

You'll be more popular
too with the boys.

- Don't make fun of
me or I'll run you in.

In fact, I think you're the one

who's been stealing dentures.

Say ah.

- Ah.

- That's it ah.

Thank you.

[sobbing]

Say, not a bad fit
for cheap teeth.

[upbeat music]

[gas passing loudly]

- [Outhouse Man]
Hey, what the fuck

do you think you're doing?

Give me my pants you god damn
pervert shit house thief.

When I get out of here I'm
gonna kick you a new asshole.

[upbeat music]

- Huber, will you stop serving
beer, you must come with us.

- You've got these two,
why do you want me?

- Use your head, we're partners.

The Professor's waiting
for us in the laboratory.

- The manure professor?

- Not so loud.

- He shut your mouth,
just remember the formula.

- Be sure you keep
it well hidden.

- And listen, don't
tell anyone where it is.

- It's in my leather pants.

- Come on, let's go, get moving.

- Thank you for the pictures.

- How would you like to
have some fun baby, huh?

- Taking photographs?

- No, we'll fuck.

- I'm better at it than he is.

- I've got the
biggest one in town.

- Mine's much longer than his.

- Mine's a hell of a lot harder.

- Why don't you measure us all?

- Okay, but I'll only
take on the largest.

- How do you propose
we have this contest?

- Yeah, tell us.

- Ah well, now boys, you
just move back there,

and drop your drawers
and which ever one of you

has the biggest one gets me.

Pants off.

- Ouch, it's caught
in my zipper.

- Get buttons next time.

- Wait until you
see this one honey.

- Measure me, I'm ready.

- [Blond Boy] He's
got a disease.

- Hey look at me.

- [Blond Boy] You'll
faint when you get

a look at my sausage.

- [Zipper Boy] Wait
for me, my pecker's

still caught in my zipper.

- [Blond Boy] Tough shit.

- [Claudia] My, you're
all hung like young bulls,

I'll take you all on, but
you'll have to catch me first.

[upbeat music]

- Come on let's get her.

- Let's get her.

[all shouting]

[upbeat music]

- Get the hell out of my way.

[woman screaming]

- What if Anna sees you?

- Mind your own business.

That dumb cunt wouldn't know
where to find me anyway.

- Excuse me.

- Certainly, hello
cutie, enjoy yourself.

[boys shouting]

Those guys'll fuck her blind.

Wait, that's the
spies, after them.

- Our pants, we've been robbed.

- Okay, who's been
robbed, move on, move on.

- Bugger off Xaver, go
give out a parking ticket.

- Come on, she went that a way.

- Those are mine.

- Get outta the way shit
kicker, you're coming with me.

- Stop that man,
he's a sex fiend.

- Isn't everybody in this movie?

[grunting]

- Let me get my panties.

[grunting]

You're wasting your
time, you're not my type.

- Get in the car.

- You're hurting me.

[groaning]

[chicken clucking]

- Uh huh, uh huh,
now I've got you.

[Claudia squealing]

Oh shit.

- [Claudia] Oh my ankle.

- Uh huh, got you, you spy.

- Let go of me you fat pig.
- Hold still,

- You won't get
- Let go.

- Away this time cutie,
I'm gonna turn you

over to the police.
- Get away from me

you tub of lard.
- They shoot spies don't they.

- Get off me fatso.
- This isn't doing any good.

- [Claudia] Help rape!

Help rape, rape.
- You dirty old man

you stop that get off that girl!

I'm gonna get mad
and I'm coming.

- Hey Sandy, sock it to her.

- What's the matter with you?

- Hello Anna.

- Are you going crazy?
- But I wasn't, listen.

- First you're
running around naked

and now you're raping a
girl in broad daylight.

I'll lock you up again, now.

- I'm innocent.

- You march straight
back to the house.

- Uh, madam, madam, there's
been a misunderstanding.

- I think you ought
to shut your mouth

and mind your own business.

If you know what's good for you.

Are you out of your mind?

- Look she's
getting away let go.

- Are completely mad?

[grunting]

- Stop this car you loser creep.

Wait 'til my uncle gets you.
- Sit down.

[dog barking]

- Wait, where is she?

- Follow me.

- What?

- She went that a way.
- Let's get her.

- [Sandler] She's
headed for the barn.

- She ran that way.

- Okay, you guys over there.

- Where did the man go?

- We'll get the
man later, come on.

[cow bells ringing]

[grunting]

- Well, now that we're here,
we can spend our time resting,

unless you'd like
some hanky panky.

- Hanky panky bullshit,
haven't you balled me enough?

- And now you might
be different, maybe.

- We've had enough of
you gangsters here.

- I'm not a gangster, I'm an
independent agent for industry.

- Oh yeah, you expect me
to believe that story?

- Just promise me
you won't run away,

and I won't need to tie you.

- No shit.

- But I did enjoy
screwing you last night.

- You can only think of sex.

You weren't any good anyway.

[bells ringing]

This might make a good weapon.

- [Heiner] Agent
69 please come in.

Agent 69 please come in.

- Take that.

- What the hell?
- Hey it's raining rice.

- Who's getting married?

- Take that too.

- Now it's apples.

- Must be an Italian marriage.

- [Sandler] I never thought
our act was that bad.

- And take these too.

- Now it's raining onions.

- Italian apples.

[thumping]

- [Sandler] Oh, let's go
fellas, let's get off stage.

What's happened to
these young people,

no respect for their elders.

- Stop already,
they didn't throw

anything at us at the Aria.

- Okay, stop it already.

The producer said we've gotta
eat these props for lunch.

[men shouting]

Come on let's go, let's go.

- Super Dick, come in.

Super Dick, there are
these men bugging me.

- [Heiner] Super Dick speaking.

If it's that gas
station attendant,

I have his niece hostage.

- So, did you listen
to what's coming down?

- Okay men, quickly,
close the door.

[hinges creaking]

Okay, agreed, but
don't hurt my niece.

I'll do anything, and
tell that gangster

I wanna speak to my
niece, to Claudia.

How horrible, how
'bout letting me speak

to her on that thing there?

Please, I've got to talk
to her, let me talk to her.

- Okay, I'll get her.

Hello up there,
you're uncle says

he wants to speak with you.

- Okay, I hope you got
a good look at my bush.

That's the last
time you'll see it.

Hurry uncle, this guys
gonna eat me for lunch.

- Claudia, I'm coming
with my friends, hold out.

I really am coming.

- You and your sex jokes.

- I didn't mean that, I mean

that we're coming to help
Claudia, where is the place?

- At the Gamson Elms.

- Enough.

[groaning]

Okay, I'm expecting that you
turn Sally loose, you hear

and the formula with her.

- Look, the microfilm
belongs to us, clear?

- Let's not do
anything hasty fellas.

It's worth millions.

- Remember, she's gonna
be your daughter in law.

- Well, yeah, but this
is more important.

- Oh, up your bladder.

Listen to me, you two
go to the Professor

and keep the formula safe,
we'll go get Claudia.

- Yeah, beautiful plan.
- Yeah.

- Get moving men.

I've still got a trick
or two up my sleeve

and they think I'm stupid.

- Maybe they're right.

- So, let's get
you cute ass inside

and make a little love.

- Forget last night
'cause I'll never

fuck you again, never again.

[clattering]

- Come on Claudia, knock
it off, be a sport honey.

Open the door, remember how
sweet it was last night?

Open the gosh darn door.

Do you think this will
stop me you crazy twit?

Open this darn door.

- Hey Lois come here.

- Hey Lois.

- Stop, stop.

Your sweet Claudia's
being held prisoner.

- Yeah, she's being
held at the Gamson Elms.

- Can you get there quickly?
- Hurry.

- The others aren't
coming, we're going back

to guard the Professor.

[both exclaiming]

- Come along, ah, this is
the easiest way to get there.

- You're right.

- It's operating, she
can sit on my lap.

- What's the matter with my lap.

- Look, it's my idea,
so she'll sit on mine--

- See you later alligator.

- Look what's happening
we gotta try and stop her.

- Ta ta, ta ta, ciao.

- Don't just stand there.

- What? Oh.

- Go after her.

- Stay there, stay
there, I got you.

Come on, what are you
waiting for, come on.

- Oh shit, I'm coming.

- [Sandler] Get in a
chair you dumb fuck.

- Oh yes, a chair.

[grunting]

[mechanical whirring]

- Now, my little
chickadee, I'm sure

to grab on to you [giggling]

- Yes, naturally.

- We'll catch up, yeah.

Faster Huber, we'll
catch up with her.

[engine revving]

- Who was that?

- Evil Knievel?

[engine revving]

[upbeat music]

- Are you ready now?

I know you love me.

- Leave me alone you bastard.
- Don't deny it.

- I know you're crazy about me

- You meat head.
- stop pretending.

Come here Claudia, the
other girl means nothing.

I'm yours alone my dearest.

Fly me to the moon.

[clattering]

Aw my sweet gentle little girl,

wait for me, we'll run
away together, ouch.

I love girls who
play hard to get.

[chuckling] Got
you my little bird.

- Get away you damn asshole.

- I love you madly.

Come on, don't be coy.

We'll slide down the
cellar door together,

just the two of us
my delicate one.

- Can't you take a hint.

- Don't try to escape Frauline,
it won't do you any good.

We'll catch you anyway.

- Fat chance you slob.

- We'll get you, come on Huber.

We'll get you before
we get to Gamson Elms.

Come back here, hey, hey,
hey, hey, it's got me.

Hey, let go, let go,
help, help, no wait, help.

- Look, she's
getting away Sandy.

- Huber you've gotta
help me, I'm stuck, help.

- Where do you
think you're going.

- Help me, help me.

[screaming]

- Wait for me I'm rushing.

Come back here Sandler.

- I can't come back
there, do something idiot.

You come here.

[exclaiming]

[grunting]

Hurry, you gotta help me,
I'm afraid of high places.

♪ There's a damsel
running in the grass

♪ With gigantic titties
and a very gorgeous ass

♪ I must light her fire

♪ I'll play with her nipples

♪ 'Til she's burning with desire

♪ I'll act cool and smart
and the fun will start

♪ Tra-la-re, tra-la-la

- Oh my darling.

[grunting]

I know you didn't mean that.

Hey be careful with that,
you'll hurt yourself.

Round and round we go, whoops.

That's not the gun you want

and now we are one my love.

[grunting]

♪ I'll roll her
titties up and down

♪ There'll be no undressing

♪ I'll take off her gown
and look into her eyes

♪ Shove my hand right
between her thighs

♪ We'll be in the raw
laying on the straw

♪ Oh la-re, oh la-ra

♪ Oh la-re, oh la-ra

- Come here you.

- Go.
- Get on.

♪ Oh la-re, oh la-ra

- I don't ride with motorcycles

- It sure beats walking, get on.

- Okay then, get going move.

[engine revving]

- Help me, help me,
I'm getting airsick.

Oh good, I'm coming
in for a landing.

Thank god, terra firma.

- I'm coming Sandy, don't worry.

I'll save you, hang in
there, hang in there.

- What a relief, now I
can get off this thing.

Now maybe I can get some help.

Hello, Huber it's okay.

Now, to just get this loose.

Oops who turned out the lights?

If I could only find the button.

Help, is there anybody in here.

Help, help, is there
anybody in there?

If there's anybody in there,
shut this damn thing off.

Oh my god, shit, oh mother
fucking god damn son of a bitch.

Why, why, did I ever
buy these silly pants.

Piss on it, next time
I'll take the fucking bus.

Hurry, Huber, hurry.

Get ready to jerk me off.

I don't wanna go up again.

- How come you didn't
get off at the station?

- Because you fucking
idiot, I like it here.

Now come on, stop asking
me dumb questions.

Just get me down.

Oh, what have I done
to deserve this?

- Hold on Sandy, I'm
coming, I'm coming.

- Hurry, she's getting away,
she's getting away, she's gone.

Forget it, nevermind,
I've had it.

Piss on it, go on home.

I'm happy, I'm happy.

With friends like you,
who needs enemies?

It's very easy for
you down there,

but what about me up here?

But you don't care
about me, I'm a bird,

I'm a big ass bird next
I'll lay eggs, cluck, cluck.

Cock a doodle doo.

[grunting]

♪ I'll keep diddling
the wench all day

♪ In the hottest
most passionate lay

♪ And when my blimp goes limp

♪ I'll roll her over and say
please let me get hard again

[shouting]

♪ Tra-la-re tra-la ra

- Come on grab me quick,
Huber, grab hold of my legs.

- Slow down, slow down.

- Oh what the hell, forget
it, I like it up here anyway.

I'll fly to Capastrano,
you go on home.

Go on, up we go into the
wild blue yonder flying.

[cow bells ringing]

- Aw.

- I'll show her,
two can play at it.

[groaning]

- We'll show them
they're not so great.

Come here.

[exclaiming]

- What are you, stop it.

What do you think you're doing?

- Come on, we'll show 'em.

- [Cow] What the hell are
they doing lying down?

- Put me down you god damn
mother fucking machine.

Hold it, I said put
me down, god damn it.

Huber, help, get me
off this damn thing.

I'll get killed.

Huber stop this god damn thing!

- Well, why didn't you
push the stop button?

- What?

- The stop button.

- How the hell could I push it?

For christ sake you go push it.

Have you got shit for brains?

[Sandler screaming]

- [Doc] Sandler you're safe?

- Land, beautiful
land, thank god.

- Did you break anything?

- I think I broke my ass.

- You shouldn't be
doing things like that.

You're too old to learn to fly.

Grow up, you'll
get a heart attack.

- Up there everything
looks lovely.

- What do we do now?

- The spies, I saw the
spies come on, come on.

- I'm coming.
- Let's get them hurry.

- Just what the doctor
ordered, take one.

- What if they have a gun?

- Well, we'll stick 'em,
they'll be surprised.

We'll go get Claudia then haul
ass back to the Professor.

- Let's go.
- Come on.

- I'll show him who's
the better peasant pumper

around this freaking place.

- Let's show him are
speed, hmm, how about that?

- There they are get down.

Okay, come on.

- Ah ha!

- Ass, shh, here look, I'm
gonna put this hat on the fork

and maybe they'll
take a crack at it.

[suspenseful music]

[exclaiming]

- They didn't shoot.

- They're just
laying each other.

- What?

Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

- We'll stick 'em
in their damn asses.

You go around there,
I'll go this way.

[suspenseful music]

- Stop it this
instant you rapist.

- Uncle.

- You oughta be shot.

- This is shagging,
we can't put up

with you acting this way.

- You oughta be
ashamed of yourself.

- I'm mature enough
to fend for myself.

So stop all this
bullshit go fuck off.

- Now, that's enough.

You know, she's got
some good points there.

[grunting]

And there's a second point,
it's between your two legs

and that's the thing that
starts your problems.

Just like a house cat.

- Well, you go around
trying to hose strange dames

promoaning whatever you find.

- Suppose you tell me
what I'm guilty of?

- You know very well
what I'm saying.

- You have no respect.

[grunting]

It's time to shove off, I'll
be at the bar with the boys

and you stay in your room.

- No.

- Now you obey me,
stay in the house.

- No.

- Yes.

- [Claudia] No!

- Anna will you talk to her?

- When are you
going to stop this?

Your problem is you will
never find a husband this way.

If you don't get
your head in order,

I'll stick you in a cloister.

- Don't lay that on me,
they wouldn't have me.

- Well, you're in
love with Lois.

- Yeah, but there's no
way he'd marry me now.

- Ah, he'll forgive in a minute.

Just use a little
enchantment on him.

- Yes but how?

- The same way I
bagged your dear uncle.

You know, he didn't
want me either at first.

- Well then, you must
tell me your secret.

- Dance and fuck.

[men chuckling]

- I drink to you all
[speaking in foreign language]

- Yeah.
- Here's mud in your eye.

- Down the hatch.

- And after we're
rich professor,

maybe we'll form a sheikdom.

- Hmm, sheikdom good idea.

- And then we'll sell all
the gas to the Americans

they already buy our shit.

And by the time
the Arabs find out,

we'll all be as
rich as Rockefeller.

[men chuckling]

Oh boy, we'll build
ourselves a harem here.

- Listen Doctor, when Huber
drops in for a piece of ass

we'll grease up the goat, he'll
never know the difference.

- Believe me, I'm so thankful

[speaking in foreign language]

You have saved me from the hands

of those unscrupulous people.

- Are you sure you
locked up the suspects?

- You bet your sweet ass.

- We've got to get out
and get the formula back

or the company will have
us cleaning toilets again.

- Uh huh.

- Can't wait to
blow this hick town.

- Yeah that's all right with me.

I'd like to get out of this
sewer and back to Berlin.

- Yeah.

- Unbelievable.

- Think of something Super Dick.

- I've done everything
I can possibly think

of to do you smarty,
you got any good ideas?

Go and try 'em out.

- Ah, you poor little boy.

Watch this and see
what a woman can do.

- What are you gonna
do, give a little head?

- Lois, hey Lois!

I have something to give you.

If you let me out of here
I'll give you a hand job.

- Be still and shut
your big mouth.

- Ha ha, I guess you didn't make

a very good impression
on him hot pants.

- Kiss my ass.

- You women think your bodies
can get you anything, ha.

- I hope in the next war the
Americans have you Italians.

- What are you talking about?

I do all of the work
and you foul it up.

You haven't got me a
piece of ass yet have you?

- Hey there.

Hello handsome, please help
me, I'm locked up here.

- That is the one I want.

- What did I tell you?

I have solved the problem,
I did it, watch me.

[speaking in foreign language]

- I'm locked in here,
could you get me out?

I'd be sweet to you both.

- You bet your life I can do it

[speaking in foreign language]

Come on.

Come.

Ali-oop.

Up we go.

A little higher.

- [Sally] Do you happen to
have a hacksaw with you?

- No.

- [Sally] How come,
then rip the bars out.

You don't seem to be
strong enough to do it.

[speaking in foreign language]

[grunting]

- Listen Emil,
it's now your turn.

- Well, I've done
everything I can do.

- Listen to me, get up on my
shoulders, I'll lift you up.

- [Emil] Yeah, sure.

[grunting]

- [Tino] Hurry
I'll get a hernia.

[upbeat music]

[grunting]

- [Sally] Oh, my hero.

- [Emil] I'm Emil,
what's your name?

- Sally.

- [Emil] Easy does it, be
careful Sally, there we go.

[exclaiming]

- Oh, thank you so much.

- [Emil] You're welcome Sally.

- Here's a kiss for you.

- But [speaking in
foreign language]

what is this an escalator?

- Bye bye.

- Come on.

[upbeat music]

[grunting]

- She's certainly ungrateful.

- Yeah, maybe she wasn't
the right girl after all.

[upbeat music]

♪ She's got the
sweetest fanny in town

♪ Her bottom is sheer perfection

♪ Even the bull
can't keep it down

- Hi Lois, what's doing?

- Go away and leave me alone.

♪ She goes ruck, ruck,
ruck and a chuck a luck

♪ She drives them crazy grinding

- You don't love me anymore.

- I told you to let me
alone, we're finished.

- Aw come on Lois,
show it to me.

- Come on.
- Is it still there?

- That's not very nice.

We're finished.

- Uh huh.

♪ She's got the
sweetest fanny in town.

- A pity.

♪ All the Dickies and
Peters start jumping

- Claudia.

- What do you want?

- What it is.

- [Claudia] Well Lois?

- You're not really leaving?

- I've only been warming up
the oven for you my dear.

How 'bout it?

- That's different.

- [Claudia] Come and get it.

[chuckling]

- You weren't kidding,
you're really ready.

- [Claudia] I just
loves hot sausages.

- Someone told me
if people don't pay

their garbage bill in Poland.

- Then they don't get any.

- And also all their
dogs get flat heads

from chasing parked cars.

[chuckling]

- I feel sick [speaking
in foreign language]

I'm going to throw
up, excuse me.

- Yes.

- Just don't do it on me.

- I think I'll go
check on the spies.

- Boy I'll be a millionaire.

- You, me.

- You, we're all in.

- Let me tell you,
I got a secret.

- Don't tell me that nonsense.

I'm Polish, and I'll
remember this Doc.

[groaning]

- Give it to me, harder.

[groaning]

More sausage, now you're.

- Please excuse me.

- [Claudia] Faster
Lois, sock it to me.

- What's this, with Claudia?

Lois!

- Aw Xaver, we're
only playing Doctor.

- Lois.

- Shame.
- Don't yell at me.

- Shameless floozy.

While you're doing
that the spies

could be getting out of here.

They have escaped.

While you two were
fornicating the spies

have gotten out and
you didn't even look.

I'm holding you responsible.

- I had 'em locked up there.

- Yeah, that instrument
of the devil there,

that's the cause
of the whole thing.

I'm gonna smash, now what
do you think of that.

- It was yours.

- Mine, don't get
fresh with the law.

Go inside, go, you
too come on let's go,

move it, move it,
- Take it easy.

- Move it, show some
respect for the law.

Nobody has any respect
for the law around here.

I might as well give the alarm.

- Hurry baby, the
sausage isn't cooked yet.

I hope the oven's still warm.

Xaver's so dumb, it
took him five minutes

to figure out what
we were doing.

[chuckling]

- [Claudia] Honey,
tell me something.

- [Lois] Anything baby.

- [Claudia] Do you always
screw with your socks on?

[crowd shouting]

- [Doc] Bottoms up.

[upbeat music]

Bottoms up.

- Hey, Xaver just told me
the prisoners have escaped.

- So?

Come on, let me see.

- The Professor's in danger.

- Oh my god, the formula.

- He shouldn't be alone,
we gotta protect him.

- Hey, wait for me.

- Oh fellas wait the act
hasn't even started yet.

- Forget about them
sweetheart, let's ball.

[chuckling]

- Why not.

[giggling]

- When am I gonna get laid?

Everybody in this movie screws

everyone else except me.

- Just be patient
you'll get yours too.

- I'm running out of time, we're
in the eighth reel already.

- Ah, you'll get a shot at it.

There, there she is.

[poignant music]

You wait here and
I'll be right back.

[upbeat music]

[pattering feet]

[speaking in foreign language]

- Oh no, no, no,
I don't want to.

No, leave me alone you
nasty little midget.

- [Tino] Let me feel
your Bavarian bush.

- [Blond Girl] How's this.

- Oh mama mia!

[thumping]

[choking]

[Emil growling]

[poignant music]

[Emil growling]

[kissing]

[coughing]

What is all this bullshit?

It's bull shit, it really is.

[bubbling liquid]

- It needs a little
something more.

Do you happen to
have some pepper?

- Pepper, that's all it
needs now, is pepper?

- Nein, that's only for this.

- Ow!

- Watch the noise stupid.

- What do you think
they're doing out there?

- They're guarding the
drug store jackass.

- Gosh, then the Professor
must be in there.

- Wait, there's nobody
guarding the back door.

Doc, you go around
the rear, quick.

- Okay chief.

- Yes, you go, I'm in charge
here, don't you forget that.

- Now we know where the
Professor is hiding.

How do we get the formula?

- I don't know.

I have to think.

[upbeat music]

- [Heiner] I guess I
know what that means.

I wish you could think on
your feet like everybody else,

instead of on the
flat of your back.

[upbeat music]

Once more into the breech.

- You said it.

[upbeat music]

- [Professor] Ah yes, I
thought of how to make

gasoline out of bull
shit when I worked

for the Pentagon in Washington.

[steady dripping]

- Well, I'll be a
chimpanzee it works.

- Phew, it stinks in here,
like a, like a refinery.

- Yeah, we're almost
finished actually,

it must boil a little longer

- Ah

- And then of course we must
add a few more ingredients.

- Isn't this very expensive?

- I found that
the path to riches

often requires that the seeker
infest a little bit of money.

- Yeah, of course, that's right.

- And what'll we call it,
it has to have a name.

- Horse or shit regular,
there is also horse shit-

- [Sandler] Oopa.

- Don't touch that!

Stupid.

- Oh, oh, oh, hey
Professor, I promise,

I promise, I'll
never do it again.

[grunting]

- I'm tired.

[groaning]

Have you got an idea yet?

- Oh, it's almost come.

[groaning]

[chickens clucking]

[exclaiming]

I've got a big idea.

- [Heiner] Thank god.

[suspenseful music]

- Halt, where do you
think you're going?

- The Professor
ordered some eggs.

- Eggs, now he wants eggs?

[grunting]

- Fresh eggs.

Mother, come, you can go in.

- [Sally] Thank you.

[steady dripping]

- Now that I'm a millionaire,
I'm gonna buy a Cadillac.

- It smells like money.

- Oh, please, do you
want to blow us all up?

- Professor, I just
wasn't thinking.

- Pardon me please,
here are your eggs.

- Shh, no young lady.
- Go lady go.

- I can't be bothered, wait
over there, over there.

- Amazing the most plentiful
thing in the world is bullshit

and we make it into
gas, isn't it marvelous?

Professor [speaking
in foreign language]

it just takes a little of
this pure glyphin, gryphon,

right, then runs it
through kind of a glass.

- A refinery.

- Menagerie, bull shit
then makes pure gasoline.

- [Sally] You crazy old farts,
you're burning the formula.

- The, the, the formula!

- The formula you
stupid bastard.

- There goes our millions.

- No need to panic [speaking
in foreign language]

we're not defeated yet.

And here [speaking
in foreign language]

we have the first half liter of

[speaking in foreign language]

With this sample I can
reconstruct the formula

at any time I want.

- [Sandler] Bravo.

- Thank you, thank you.

- Oh, the bottle, catch her.

- [Sandler] Where the hell
do you think you're going,

come back here, she's escaping.

- She's the spy
- She's getting away

- Catch her.
- Hold my muffler.

- Here, here take
this to the cleaners.

[upbeat music]

- [Professor] Which
way did she go?

- [Sandler] We've
got to catch here.

- [Pharmacist] I don't know.

- The spies went that a way.

- Come on hurry.

- [Professor] This
is a catastrophe,

I think she went this way.

- I'll go get Doc.

- Hey, wait a minute, that
looked like the spy to me.

- Let's go.
- Boy, when I catch her

I'm gonna break
her god damn neck.

- There you are.

Ah good, we'll head her
off at the pass vamanos.

- [Xaver] Huber, follow me.

- Wait, which cleaners did
you want me to take this to?

[gasping]

- Super Dick, I'm afraid
the formula's been

completely destroyed,
you'll find in front

of the drug store, a bottle.

It's a sample of the gasoline,

I'll meet you at
the car, 10 four.

- Ah ha, oh, you stay
there or I'll shoot.

[passing gas loudly]

Oh my god what happened?

I think I shit in my pants.

How am I gonna explain
this to my wife?

[giggling]

- [Claudia] Oh Lois what
a sensuous mouth you have.

- [Lois] The better to
eat you with my dear.

- [Claudia] Oh Lois what a
big screwdriver you have.

- [Lois] The better to
screw you with my dear.

- Oh excuse me is
there another way out?

- Oh, thank you.

- [Claudia] Oh
Lois, give me more.

[groaning]

[grunting and screeching]

- Sounds like feeding
time at the zoo.

- Good morning uncle.

- Lois, knock it off.

All you two do is hump.

[suspenseful music]

[all shouting at once]

- [Doc] We'll make sure your
balls are in a sling, thief.

Come back you mother
grabbing formula thief.

- [Pharmacist] The
cleaners was closed.

- I saw this done on television.

Stand aside, you've gotta
be sure that the rope

is low to the ground,
that's important.

- Oh, I see, that's very
clear, and then what?

- When the spies
come you pull it.

[screaming]

- [Doc] Jesus
Sandler, what stinks?

[speaking in foreign language]

- [Professor] Why don't you
try the Chinese laundry?

[engine rumbling]

- I've got it.

- Good, let's get to
the car, make it quick.

- God damn it, here come
the fuzz, we've gotta hide.

- The boat.

- We missed them,
it's your fault again.

- Well, what do you propose?

- Hmm, that's too
much, a boat with legs.

[grunting]

- The espionagers.

Hey you, come back
here or I'll shoot.

- Come [speaking in
foreign language]

I want to feel
your Bavarian bush.

- But you don't need a girl
anymore for your friend.

- Is not for him, it's for me.

- Oh, it's for you?

That's something else then.

Let's go [speaking
in foreign language]

- I've heard you Italians
are mad passionate lovers.

- This is my gas [speaking
in foreign language]

- I don't know how to
[speaking in foreign language]

- It's easy, I'll show you
[speaking in foreign language]

Get in and take off you pants.

- [Brunette Girl] With
your crood manners

you must get slapped a lot.

- [Tino] Si, but I also get

[speaking in foreign
language] a lot.

[suspenseful music]

- Here, take it.

[engine revving]

- Here they come, stop 'em.

- That car's under arrest.

We've got 'em now,
they're trapped.

- [Huber] Xaver you're
the law, do something.

[speaking in foreign language]

- Beat it.

[all shouting at once]

- Stop, stop I said.

- There goes our millions.

The rotten bastards.

- We lost our millions.

- Maybe it's all for the good.

I've always liked the
village the way it is anyway.

All that money would cause
a lot of trouble here.

Who cares.

- This means I'm going
to have to go out

and filter the formula again.

It's concentrated, which means
that it's highly explosive.

- Shit, god damn it, and
to think we came so close.

We almost had a million.

- Super Dick and Agent
69 to Mission Control.

Microfilm has been destroyed,

returning with synthetic
sample of gasoline.

Our secret is safe from
competing oil companies.

Returning for bonus, 10 four.

[loud explosion]

[coughing]

And what do we do next?

- Well let's see,
I guess it's time

for me to do a lot of thinking.

- Gee whiz now.

- Why not, there's nothing
else to do anymore.

- Leaping lizards Sally wasn't

that a big enough bang for you?

[Sally giggling]

Oh well, here we go again.

[upbeat music]