Boris and Natasha (1992) Movie Script

NARRATOR:

Well, ever since our

last episode,

which was around 1964,

give or take a couple of weeks

there's been a lot of water

under the bridge.

Walls have fallen,

governments have toppled.

Yes, the winds of freedom have

swept Eastern Europe and the

world will never be the same.

Crowds of people massed

in the streets,

cheering and celebrating

their newfound freedom.

Yes, everyone

is just delighted.

PEOPLE: (IN UNISON) Yay.

NARRATOR:

All except for one

little, tiny country

where the cold war

is still freezing.

A puny, pipsqueak principality

where nastiness is a virtue.

Where being mean and rotten is

the national pastime,

and everyone

spends so much time

double-crossing each other

that they don't even have time

for lunch.

Yes, neatly nestled

between the borders

of Wrestlemania and

Yoursovania, that's right,

ooh boy, you guessed it,

hokey smoke,

watch me pull a rabbit out of

my hat, it's that soot capital

of the world, Pottsylvania!

And, as our story opens,

the meanest, nastiest,

no goodnik of them all,

the man they call

Fearless Leader.

Thank you.

NARRATOR: You're welcome.

Has a very big problem.

And so he has called

in his best operative.

A man so sinister,

so dangerous, so badly lit,

he's known only as Agent X.

Where the hell

have you been?

I don't see that that's

any of your business.

NARRATOR:

With pleasantries

out of the way,

Fearless Leader explained

the whole story,

beginning with

the most astonishing

scientific breakthrough

in the history of the world.

ANNOUNCER: Presenting time

reverse microchip

demonstration

number one.

The microchip is in place.

My brother, Kregor

will shatter the beaker,

and the release of energy

will trigger the microchip.

ANNOUNCER:

Obviously,

the implications of this

invention are staggering.

The microchip freezes

time, then backs

it up three seconds.

We can reverse catastrophes,

save lives,

even protect the military

by rendering

any object indestructible.

With this remarkable device,

there is virtually no limit

to the benefit for mankind.

We feel this invention

is the most astonishing

scientific breakthrough...

I'm impressed.

With a chip like that,

a man could rule the world.

Yes. Unfortunately, three days

after that film was made,

Paulovitch took the chip

and disappeared.

I see. And I am

supposed to find him

and bring him back.

You're the best there is.

That's why I called for you.

And you want me

to risk my cover

on such a dangerous

mission as that?

What else do you suggest?

Give me a decoy.

A loyal, trusting agent.

Someone expendable,

a total idiot.

Send him to find

the Professor.

I will follow

at a discreet distance,

and the moment Paulovitch

is found,

I will kill them both and

return the microchip to you.

Brilliant!

Now, who would be

the perfect decoy?

NARRATOR:

Who indeed?

Rodgers and Hammerstein?

Sonny and Cher?

Bilbo Baggins?

No, as anybody who looked

at their tickets before

they came into the theater

ought to know,

it's...

(SCREAMING)

Of course,

it was Boris and Natasha,

who at this moment, were

somewhere in a remote part

of the Middle East.

Boris. Boris, darling.

Where is egg?

Egg, egg.

Where is egg?

NARRATOR:

And on the run

with an elaborate,

jewel-encrusted egg

they had recently stolen

from a potentate's palace.

Oh, Boris, darling

you're a genius.

(CHUCKLES)

(MAN SHOUTING)

Come on.

(METAL THUDDING)

BORIS: Chicken!

Hurry up. Hurry up.

(GUN FIRING)

Get the car!

(BORIS SCREAMING)

BORIS:

What a pathetic shot.

Watch out for the camel.

Ahh!

MAN: Watch where you're going.

Look out!

There!

(SCREAMING)

Go, go!

Look out! Look out!

Go to the alley.

(SCREAMING)

Boris, quick.

(SCREAMING)

(GASPS) What we do now?

We got to find our contact.

The one-eyed man.

Where is one-eyed man?

Here.

The Alley of the Damned.

You first. Come on.

Let's go.

(CHATTERING)

They got a lot of

one-eyed guys here.

The four corners of Egypt

belong to King Tut.

(ALL MURMURING CONFUSEDLY)

The four corners of Egypt

belong to King Tut.

(ALL CLAMORING)

(ALL CHATTERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

Bye-bye!

Stop them! Stop them!

(SCREAMING)

Too bad, Gorda,

you missed!

Wait a minute,

aren't there only two of them?

Yes, Colonel Gorda.

For a moment

I thought I saw three.

Hey, Gorda,

we have your egg!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

NARRATOR:

So back in Pottsylvania and

with their mission completed,

Boris and Natasha suddenly

received an urgent summons

from their beloved

Fearless Leader.

Yes, even they could tell

something very important

was about to happen.

Fearless Leader,

we are honored.

We are so honored.

Good.

Your mission is to infiltrate

the United States of America.

United States.

Once inside,

you are to locate this man.

His name is Professor

Anton Paulovitch.

Other than that,

I can tell you nothing.

(GASPS)

Now, a direct infiltration

will never work.

Therefore,

your orders are these.

You yourselves

must pose as defectors.

Defectors?

From the moment

you leave this room,

your every action

must be consistent

with that of a traitor.

You must affect your

own escape across

the border.

Once you arrive

in America,

you must convince

the authorities

that you are sincere.

If you fail,

they will kill you.

Keep a low profile.

Speak to no one.

And if you get the feeling

you're being followed,

ignore it.

Ignore it?

Oh, yes.

Badanov...

Fatale...

This mission is,

by far, the greatest honor

of your careers.

Congratulations.

You are now officially

traitors to the state.

Thank you very much.

(CACKLING)

NARRATOR:

Well, next morning,

in a typically

misguided attempt

to follow their instructions

to the letter,

our heroes engineered

a daring escape.

(WHISTLES)

And after bribing an

unscrupulous sea captain

for the use of his vessel...

Come on. Come on.

NARRATOR:

They set sail for America.

Row, row.

NARRATOR:

Unfortunately, America

was a lot farther away

than it looked on

their Rand McNally,

and seven hours later...

Water! Water!

NARRATOR:

We were in danger of having

a very short movie.

But luckily, Fearless Leader

was right behind

in a Pottsylvanian PT boat

to haul our heroes to safety.

Next, he personally drove

our diligent defectors

out to the heavily-fortified

Pottsylvanian border

and waited while our heroes

surveyed the landscape

and settled on the

perfect plan for escape.

And it almost worked too.

(EARTH RUMBLING)

(SCREAMING)

And so,

with a song in their heart,

a lump in their throat,

and absolutely

no idea where the hell

they were going,

Boris and Natasha

implemented Plan C,

marching straight up and over

the famed Pottsylvanian alp.

Unfortunately,

they had forgotten

it was the middle

of winter,

and as the temperature

began to plummet...

(WIND WHISTLING)

Boris. Don't sleep.

If you sleep, you will die.

NARRATOR:

Fearless Leader had to

rescue them once again.

(MAN GRUNTS)

Finally, in a last

ditch attempt

to get the plot moving,

Fearless Leader gave them

two one way tickets

to the land of the free

and the home of the brave.

Trinidad.

Where, cleverly enough,

they caught

the first plane to America.

And from the very moment

they landed,

it looked like smooth sailing.

At last, they had infiltrated

the United States, undetected.

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

(TIRES SCREECH)

Don't shoot.

We like America. We defect.

We defect.

We're defectors.

Thank you so much.

You are so kind.

Ooh, very nice car.

NARRATOR:

Yes, it was a nice car.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

And it took them to

a very nice building,

which turned out to be

none other than

the national headquarters

of the CIA.

SHELDON: Hi. Welcome

to the ranch.

I'm Sheldon Kaufman,

and...

I'm Boris Badanov,

and this is my assistant,

Natasha Fatale.

How do you do.

Hi.

Sorry about all the cloak

and dagger stuff,

but, well,

it's not every day

we get a couple of

high-powered Pottsylvanian

operatives defecting

to the United States.

Now then,

we have a thing we call,

in our country,

the defector's program.

If a defector,

such as yourselves,

is really, really sincere,

and you certainly

look sincere to me.

We not only let you

into the country

but we provide you

with a place to live,

a little spending money,

everything you could

possibly need

to live your lives

as new Americans.

How wonderful.

Thank you very much.

Of course, there's a little

routine we go through first.

Just a technicality.

A medical exam,

a few questions.

We will tell you

everything.

This mental exam,

how difficult...

No, medical exam.

Oh. (LAUGHS)

How delightful.

Fine.

Shall we get started?

Now, I'm going to

show you some pictures.

Just tell me what you see.

Bomb explosion.

Machine gun attack

at small embassy.

Ooh, mushka mishka,

a little puppy

with floppy ear.

Carrying leather bomb...

Into small embassy.

NARRATOR:

And for the next five hours,

Boris and Natasha were

poked and prodded

by a host of doctors

in a myriad of

medical examinations.

Followed by an even more

grisly series

of irritating jump cuts,

and finally culminating

in the toughest examination

of them all.

But they had their story

and they were stuck with it.

MAN: Are you defecting

to the United States

of your own free will?

Yes.

Are you currently employed

by the Pottsylvanian

secret service?

Absolutely not.

No.

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

Are you now,

or have you ever been,

a member of any organization

advocating overthrow of

the United States government?

Yes.

No!

NATASHA:

Yup. No. Yes.

No, but yes.

Yes and no.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, they are either

incredibly smart or

incredibly stupid.

I certainly have never

seen anything like them.

Neither have I.

I hope you're not thinking of

letting them in the program.

They're compulsive liars.

WOMAN: They're

violent, stupid,

not to mention

their bomb fixation.

I don't know, maybe

we could learn something.

We haven't had a defection

in six months.

I mean, we could

always just play along.

Look, if we deport them,

we're never gonna find out

what they're after.

Personally,

I'd deport them.

Deport them.

(JEOPARDY! THEME SONG PLAYING)

(GULPS)

Hi.

Willie, you know

what we got here?

A couple of brand new

Americans.

(LAUGHS)

(THUDS)

(LAUGHS)

(SALLY KELLERMAN'S IT'S GOOD

TO BE BAD PLAYING)

♪ It's good to be bad

It's bad to be good ♪

♪ It's good to be bad

It's bad to be good ♪

WILLIE:

Listen, now,

once you get settled,

why don't you give me a call?

We can get together,

I can show you around,

we can see some sights,

go to some clubs.

Hey, you like to dance?

Dance for wedding.

How about music?

I know some great

jazz clubs.

No.

I got it.

Why don't we get in touch

with some of your friends

or relatives.

You just give me the names,

we can find anybody.

Boris is orphan and I am shy.

NARRATOR:

And so, charming as ever,

our heroes at last arrived

at their new American home.

WILLIE:

So, what do you think?

We share with

other family, yes?

Mmm-mmm. It's yours.

All yours.

Look, you've got

your solid-state,

color TV, 162 channels,

cable ready,

your 16 zone security system

with infrared motion detector,

two line solid-state

beeperless remote

answering machine.

Kitchen's got all

the regular stuff.

Here's your blender,

automatic coffee maker,

water purification system,

trash compactor, microwave.

Aw, you guys know how

to use all this stuff.

That's just about it.

Uh, let's see,

I got some credit cards, maps,

and some spending cash,

and here's the keys.

Here you go.

You guys

are probably tired.

Yes, yes.

We're very tired.

We're thanking you so much.

We are so delightful

to be here.

So good night.

Okay, listen,

if you need anything

or you've got any

questions, you call me.

Okay?

Okay.

Bye.

Okay, bye.

Boris. We fooled them,

we did it. We did it.

(CHUCKLING)

Boris, you are so bad.

You are so bad

you are good.

It's good to be bad.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Boris. Boris.

Mmm-hmm.

Hmm.

Boris.

BORIS: What?

I am liking this

person, Willie.

He is very smart-minded.

He's stupid

as a bag of hammers.

I think I will make

friend with him.

Will make good cover.

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

NATASHA: Boris?

I'm not worried

about our cover.

I'm worried about finding

that damn professor.

And getting a

good night sleep.

Of course, darling.

You have had very hard,

long day.

But tomorrow,

we will complete

our mission

and we will get

out of horrible country.

You will be great hero.

Goodnight, poopsie.

Goodnight, darling.

Americans live

in such tall building.

So funny.

It is nice to be alone.

No one snooping over shoulder,

no one listening to you.

BORIS: Shut up out there!

I'm trying to get some sleep.

Is nice to be alone.

(VOICES SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY

OVER RADIO DEVICES)

MAN:

We have lights out.

WOMAN:

We have clearance

on surveillance...

NARRATOR:

And as the prying eyes

of the CIA

kept close watch

on our heroes,

an even closer watch was being

kept by the sinister Agent X.

But what he didn't know

is that he himself

was being watched by an even

more mysterious figure.

A man with very bad taste

in footwear,

lurking in the shadows.

Who was this mystery man?

Another spy?

Another wrinkle in the plot?

Did he work for Florsheim?

Did we give him

these weird shoes

just so you'd recognize

him later?

Let's not get

ahead of ourselves.

Next morning, Boris

and Natasha began the day

bright and early.

Well, early, anyway.

Okay, the first thing we've

got to do is find Kalishak.

Kalishak the assassin?

He doesn't do that anymore.

He's here

in the States now,

he sells information

to the highest bidder.

If anybody knows where

the Professor is, he does.

Oh, darling,

you are so smart.

Ah! Those pigs,

those pigs!

Those pigs, those pigs!

What they do, Boris?

They took my dynamite.

(GASPS) Those pigs,

those pigs!

Ah, is all right.

I've still got my spares.

I knew you could not

trust capitalists.

Not trust anybody.

Look at this closet.

Typical American waste

of space.

Would make nice home

for small family.

(PHONE RINGING)

I've got static

in the fish tank.

Yeah?

SHELDON: (OVER PHONE)

Get me Willie.

Yes, sir. Willie?

Hi, boss.

SHELDON: So, everybody happy?

Yeah, so far.

What do you think?

I think we give them

some rope,

then when we see

what they're up to,

we hang them.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(BOTH) Surprise!

Who the hell are you?

BOTH:

Your next door neighbors.

(BOTH) Surprise!

You don't think

we're too pushy, do you?

Well, of course you think

we're pushy.

Harve thinks we're pushy.

I think she's perfect.

Oh, Harve.

I mean, we did

just barge right in.

You know, we figured,

as a couple of new Americans

from behind the iron drapes,

you deserved

a real welcome.

Don't you just

love sushi, mmm?

I feel like it's

moving in my mouth.

Fish eggs, anyone?

So tell us all

about Pottsylvania.

It's very cold.

Oh, I get it.

Pottsylvanians are quiet.

I bet you think Americans

talk too much, don't you?

We do talk too much.

I talk too much.

I think you're perfect.

But I mean, how are you gonna

know anything unless you ask?

That's a great thing

about America.

You can ask anything

you want.

So you work out?

I like you, Tash,

you're a lot of fun.

I am?

Yeah.

You're gonna love

this country.

You've got everything

going for you.

New home, nice husband,

great cheekbones.

Boris is not husband.

Oh. There's nothing wrong

with living with

your boyfriend

till you tie the knot.

What knot?

Hit me in the stomach!

Go ahead,

you can't hurt me.

Oh, trust me, Tash,

you've gotta be

able to see it.

(BORIS PUNCHING HARVE)

HARVE: Whoa!

You think so?

It's obvious, Tash.

Boris adores you.

The man's in love.

I haven't done dishes

in a long time.

I cook,

so Harve cleans up.

Harve does work

in kitchen?

We split everything,

50-50.

Hit the disposal,

will you?

Night you two,

bye-bye.

Bye.

Thank you for food.

Harve!

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Goodnight. Bye.

(GRUNTS)

I thought

they'd never leave.

NARRATOR:

Well, so did we,

but at last they were

on their way to see

their old friend Kalishak,

a man who felt

anybody's business

was everybody's business,

as long as they gave him

the business.

Yes, if anybody knew

how to find the Professor,

it would probably be him.

BORIS:

The four corners of Egypt

are ruled by King Tut.

Badanov?

Boris Badanov?

(LAUGHING)

Boris Badanov.

The four corners of Egypt

are ruled by King Tut.

You're killing me.

Please stop. Stop.

I know the password already.

Please, don't do it to me.

I can't believe

Boris Badanov is here.

Holy smokeronis!

And his devoted flunky,

Natasha Fatale.

Well! What brings

you two to America?

Did Fearless Leader

have craving for

burgers and fries?

(LAUGHING CONTINUES)

We need some advice.

What?

You want advice?

Okay. Okay,

I give you advice.

Don't give up your day job.

(LAUGHING)

We have money.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry,

it's just funny, is all.

You know, I would've

thought you both had blown

yourselves up by now.

So, what is that

you both want, huh?

We are looking for a man named

Professor Anton Paulovitch.

I have never heard

of that name before.

I don't know nothing.

Go away.

Well, perhaps this will

refresh your memory, huh?

Look, the both of you,

you're in way over

your heads, my little spies.

Take some advice, forget

you ever heard that name.

But I'm having some

trouble forgetting.

If you know

what I mean.

In the chairs.

(SPITS)

Search your soul

for the answer.

What the hell?

Get out of my way,

I'm closed.

Go on, go on, go on.

What kind of advice is that?

I want my money back.

Get going, now.

Or I'll kill you myself.

Come, Boris.

Go on!

What about the receipt?

It's tax deductible, you know.

Go on, get out.

You want some advice?

I'll give you advice.

Leave, now.

That is the advice.

Go on, the both of you!

Get out of here. Get out.

What kind of a potato?

What kind of potato was it?

I don't know.

Idaho.

Listen, Mike,

tell Willie I want him to

double his surveillance.

No, quadruple it.

You got it?

BORIS:

God damn Kalishak,

he knew something,

he just wasn't talking.

He called me your flunky.

Forget about it,

he is an idiot.

Here, hang up my coat.

I know what I should do.

I should force-feed him

woodchips for an entire year.

And then I will bury him

in the ground up to his neck

in a termite mound

and watch them devour

him as he screams for mercy.

Very good.

Search your soul

for the answer.

What the hell

is his problem, anyway?

NARRATOR:

Next morning, Boris

and Natasha begin the day

with a typical

American breakfast.

Boris.

(SCREAMS)

NARRATOR:

So they searched Boris's

sole and got their clue.

And wearing one of their

many brilliant disguises,

they soon found

themselves outside

the most fashionable

hair salon in the city.

WOMAN:

I can't do my hair again.

Because, I think all the

chemicals have leaked

into my brain.

I'm so spaced,

I can hardly answer the phone.

Hold on a minute,

will you?

Permit me to

introduce myself.

I am Steve Shag

and this is Ansel Fiber.

We are here

to clean the rugs.

WOMAN:

Excuse me,

but all our floors are tiled.

I think you guys

have the wrong address, heh.

No, we don't.

Boris, show.

Manelli. Oh, you're not here

to clean the rugs,

you're here to

change the photos.

You're working

for Sal Manelli,

the photographer, right?

Yes. He's the one.

We came to meet him.

Meet Manelli? Look, we just

buy his photographs,

he doesn't actually

work here.

Tash? Boris.

Ooh. Acme Rugs.

What are you guys doing here?

Uh, we are,

we came, to uh...

To say hello.

Oh. How did you

know I worked here?

We didn't.

Boris, big joke.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Dudes. Dudes.

NARRATOR:

Yes, there he was,

Jose Eber, himself.

World-famous

connoisseur of beauty.

A man who, with one

wave of his blow dryer,

could make you a star.

And with one look at that

Pottsylvanian profile,

he was completely

enchanted.

Oh, my God.

NARRATOR:

Well, before she knew

what hit her,

Jose promised he could make

her an overnight sensation.

He would introduce her to

every major fashion

photographer in the country,

starting with an enormous

party in her honor

at the elegant private club,

Chez Monyou,

that Friday night.

Well, Boris saw this as

the perfect opportunity.

They could use the party

to find Manelli,

who would lead them straight

to the Professor.

So while waiting

for Friday,

they did what any other

American would have done,

they went shopping.

♪ I wanna wrap myself

in confidence

♪ Looks so good on me

♪ All the boys

offer love and kindness

♪ One more thing I need

I want it all ♪

NARRATOR:

And of course, no American

mall would be complete

without Aunt Fanny's

fine cutlery

and automatic weapons shop.

No.

NARRATOR:

And so,

as they left the mall,

Natasha was already beginning

to feel the allure

of the American

way of life.

So the very next day,

she did something

she had never done before.

(ALL CHATTERING)

I should not be go

here with you.

What are you talking about?

You gotta get something

to wear to the party.

Boris say

what I have is good.

Forget about what

Boris says, come on.

So don't you feel

better?

This is the way Harve

and I do it.

I never have to tell him

what I buy.

He does what he wants,

I do what I want.

You know, Tash, if

a relationship is gonna work,

it's gotta be equal.

Fifty-fifty. You did good.

Hey.

Get me my tie.

Stop looking in the mirror

all the time.

You look great.

You really like it?

Sure. Americans love

hokey getups.

Okay, let's review

the plan.

I am international

film financier,

Barim Hum Haahalah.

We go to the party, we find

the guy with the camera.

I give him the password.

If he answers,

we know it's Manelli.

He leads us right

to the Professor.

And if anything

goes wrong...

We kill ourselves.

(SIGHS)

NARRATOR:

Well, Boris's plan was

brilliant, as usual.

Natasha would provide

a distraction

while he looked

for Manelli,

who would obviously be

a man with a camera.

(ALL CHATTERING)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

The four corners of Egypt

belong to King Tut.

The four corners of Egypt

belong to King...

Okay, it's enough,

it's enough.

The four corners of...

(ALL GROAN)

NARRATOR:

Of course, Boris' plan

was an utter disaster,

but as a diversion, Natasha

was an instant success.

She had such flair,

such charm, such an

incredible haircut,

that soon she went right to

the top of the fashion world.

And a veritable Natasha

mania swept the country.

People couldn't get enough

of the sultry spy.

Proving once and for all

that Andy Warhol was right.

Not to mention P.T. Barnum.

Yes, everywhere, people

were imitating her

inimitable style.

Especially

that snappy hairdo.

Of course, Natasha herself

had gotten the idea

from one of Pottsylvania's

national heroes.

But in any event, soon there

wasn't a corner of the world

left untouched by this

unbelievable phenomenon.

Well, all this frou-fra

of getting famous

was taking its toll

on a lot of people.

The spying had come

to a halt.

Agent X had no one

to watch.

The man in the stupid shoes

had no one to follow.

The CIA had no one

to listen to.

There was still

no sign of Manelli,

and of course,

all of this was bound

to come to

the attention of...

What the hell is going

on over there?

NARRATOR:

Even the writers were

completely stumped,

with no idea of

how to get the story

back to the missing

Professor

and his amazing time

reversing microchip.

As for Boris, he was getting

more and more frustrated,

annoyed, irritable,

peeved, downright...

All right, all right,

knock it off.

You are acting ridiculous.

Oh, Boris,

don't be drip.

BORIS:

What about

Professor Paulovitch?

And where are you going?

We are spies!

(GASPS)

It is time we started

to act like spies.

I don't know what's got

into you, Natasha.

Fearless Leader told us

to assume a low profile,

and you, you go

waltzing around like

some kind of movie star.

Thank you.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Is Natasha here?

Just a minute.

All right. Do you

or do you not want to be spy?

Boris, darling,

of course I do.

Spying is most important

thing in world to me.

You think is best side?

That's it. I forbid you

to go out tonight.

Forbid?

Oh, Boris, so typical.

This America,

you are not my boss.

You are not my husband.

You are not even...

Never mind.

What?

What am I not even?

What?

Oh, you are so stupid

sometime, Boris.

If relationship is to be

lasting, must be equal.

Oh.

So for first time in my life,

I am doing

what I want to do.

And do you know what?

I am liking it.

Toots is behind this, isn't

she? Toots, Toots, Toots.

Toots happens to be

wonderful person.

And don't think you're

so smart,

because she know about you.

She know exactly

how you feel about...

And how far

do you think you get

if it was not for me

after all these years?

I do everything.

I do work

and you never...

You never...

Never what?

You never say thank you.

What the hell?

So I am hoping that

from this day forward,

that you will be liking

to carry your own luggage.

So goodbye.

Luggage?

This whole thing

was about luggage?

NARRATOR:

Well, Boris had hit

rock bottom.

Even the simplest of pleasures

could not cheer him up.

And, as he wandered through

the silent streets,

he wondered, could Natasha

have been right?

Could she have, in some

small, insignificant way

been responsible for

their illustrious career?

Could he actually

have been

just the tiniest bit

insensitive for, say,

the last 32 years?

(ALL CHATTERING)

Very nice. Very nice.

Heh, thank you.

Please, ladies.

Thank you.

TOOTS:

Trust me, it's obvious.

Boris adores you.

The man's in love.

MAN:

Natasha, wait. I want you

to meet Sally Kellerman.

(PHONE RINGING)

NATASHA: (ON RECORDER)

Hello, darlings.

We're not in right now.

But Natasha and Boris will

be back very, very soon,

so please leave a message.

(BEEPS)

MAN: (OVER PHONE)

My name is Manelli.

I know who you are,

I've seen your photographs.

I'm a friend of

Dr. Paulovitch.

I helped him to escape

the lab.

Please meet me tomorrow

at noon at Memorial Square

for a photo session...

Hello, hello?

Hello? Hello?

Hello? Ugh.

We just found

Anton Paulovitch.

(ALL CHATTERING)

Yeah, I think

we finally got something here.

SHELDON:

Yes, good, what is it?

Does an Anton Paulovitch

strike a bell with you?

No, I can't say

I ever heard of him.

Noon, huh?

Okay, thanks.

And listen, Dan,

keep up the good work.

I will look terrible

in photos.

I did not get

very much sleep.

Don't worry about it.

Look, about last night...

Uh, let's talk

about it later.

Yes, Boris.

You go to this place

and you meet Manelli.

You get the information from

him. I will be there too.

But I'm going to be

disguised, okay?

I am loving

when you wear disguise.

You make sure you get

the information from him.

If he gives you

any trouble,

I'll crack his head like

a Pottsylvanian chestnut.

Yes, Boris, darling.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Poopsie. I'll take this.

You might drop it.

(DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES)

NARRATOR:

Well, isn't that sweet?

But meanwhile,

back at our story,

the elusive Manelli had

finally surfaced.

And as luck would have it,

he too,

was another master spy.

Yes, it seemed that

Natasha's sudden notoriety

actually served a purpose,

after all.

So faster than you can say,

stop the world,

I want to get off, Natasha

got down to business.

(CHATTERING)

Meanwhile, wearing an

effective yet subtle disguise,

the chameleon-like

Boris Badanov

blended discreetly

into the crowd.

Unfortunately, he got in line

with the Village People.

Come on, Long John,

you can move up now.

Arr! Arr!

Here you go,

one pretzel, $1.

Hold the rose, that's it,

good, lovely. I like

it in the teeth.

Hey! Wait a second,

what is this? I said $1.

This is fake.

Doubloon, arr!

You owe me a dollar.

I don't have a dollar.

What do you mean

you don't have a dollar?

(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Just a little this way.

Perfect, perfect.

(CHUCKLES)

You're very good at this.

You follow instructions

perfectly.

Ha, you flatter me.

On the contrary,

my angel.

That could get you killed.

(SCREAMING AND GRUNTING)

Avert your eyes,

avert your eyes.

All right, all right.

Come on, buddy. On your foot.

You realize, of course,

we're being watched.

Your lives are in danger.

I am a friend of

Dr. Paulovitch.

I'm the one

who helped him to escape.

Now you must help

him too.

But to help...

Miss, may I have

your autograph?

I just feel that we have

something in common.

You know, I had an aunt

that came from Pottsylvania,

and I think...

We're working. Do this later?

Thank you.

Good, good, excellent.

Why do you think Fearless

Leader told you nothing?

You are merely decoys.

You are just pawns

in the game.

NATASHA: (ON RECORDER)

Please, you must tell Boris.

Of course, the fountain.

How stupid of me. Come.

You'll be safe here.

The sound will drown

our conversation.

(STATIC SOUNDING)

That's not true.

We have to find Professor

and take him back.

He lied to you.

MANELLI: (ON RECORDER)

The moment

you find Paulovitch,

you will all be killed.

An assassin has been

trailing you

since the moment you arrived.

Oh.

But who could be?

Pottsylvania's most

feared killer.

He wears the ring.

The ring of the assassin.

You poor fools.

He's been with you

all the time.

His name is...

(GUN FIRING)

(SCREAMING)

Police. Stop that man.

(GUN FIRING)

(PEOPLE YELLING)

SHELDON: Right there. Police.

Police, stop that man.

(SCREAMING)

(GROANS)

Willie?

Badanov!

What? What?

Come on, let's go!

No, he is trying

to tell me something.

Why do they want

Professor dead?

Because they want,

they want...

(COUGHS)

They want candy?

Come on, let's go.

But we can't

just leave him here.

Forget him, he's dead.

Let's go.

Willie?

What happened?

Oh, my God.

Find Paulovitch.

If Badanov and Fatale get

in the way, kill them.

MANELLI: (ON RECORDER)

The moment you find

Paulovitch,

you will all be killed.

An assassin

has been trailing you

since the moment

you arrived.

He... He is a liar.

Fearless Leader would never do

this to us, it's ridiculous.

Go on.

The ring of the assassin.

You poor fools.

He's been with you

all the time. His name is...

(GUNSHOT FIRING)

(NATASHA SCREAMING)

Boris, what is?

BORIS: This ring was

on Willie's finger,

it came off in the scuffle.

Oh, not Willie.

Ooh, Willie was such

nice boy.

Nice boy wants to blow

our heads off.

I never liked him, come on,

we're getting out of here.

Boris, where will we go?

I don't know.

Some place far away.

From now on,

we trust only ourselves.

We've got to find

the Professor.

Boris, is too dangerous.

Poopsie, we're dead anyway.

To find the Professor

is the only way

to get to the bottom of this.

We've got to find him.

Oh, Boris.

I am so frightened.

If we ever get out of this,

I've always... I've always

wanted to see Tahiti.

They have such

beautiful flowers.

Don't be melodramatic,

okay?

As long as I'm here,

nothing's going to happen.

(SIGHS)

(GUN FIRING)

(ALL CHATTERING AND GROANING)

That came from everywhere.

DAN: (OVER PHONE)

It wasn't ours,

I'm sure of it.

Well, who was it?

I want some goddamn answers.

And where the hell

is Willie?

NARRATOR:

Well, even Boris and Natasha

could take a hint.

With their cover shot

full of holes,

and no one to trust,

where could they go?

Back to Pottsylvania?

Back to Pennsylvania?

How about Pensacola, I hear

that's nice this time of year.

Do you have any ideas? If so,

send them to this address,

postmarked no later

than June 12, 1964.

In the meantime,

our harried heroes headed

for an obscure, little hotel

where they could regroup

and come up

with a new plan.

And so as not to draw

attention to themselves,

they came up with what

were probably the most

ingenious disguises of their

already remarkable careers.

Bellman.

Could you place take Mr.

and Mrs. Obese to their room.

O'Beeth!

O-apostrophe-b-e-e-t-h.

We're Irish,

me wife Katie and I.

Kathleen.

Her real name's Katie.

But she's called

yourself Kathleen

for some bloody reason,

I'll never know what.

Excuse me! Could you give

a hand with these

potatoes, please.

I carry me own potatoes,

you big lout.

Thank you.

This way.

Shh.

Hey. The elevator's

over here.

I know. I work here.

It's out of order.

This way.

Are you mad, man?

We can't climb those stairs.

Can't you see

we're Irish?

You're gonna have

to sleep in the lobby then,

these stairs are the only

way to your rooms.

Have faith.

Boris, come.

(NATASHA HUMMING)

Come on,

pick up the pace.

Stop showing off,

high pockets!

Right, so in 1935,

the ballroom terrace was

added to the 33rd floor.

BELLHOP:

In 1966, the whole Rat Pack,

except for Sinatra,

stayed here

on the 33rd floor.

Imagine that,

40 whole rooms.

Who can climb 30 floors

deserves a room.

Now, in 1976, both

presidential candidates

stayed here.

(BORIS PANTING)

We've got two

presidential suites,

twelve honeymoon suites...

(NATASHA SCREAMING)

Come on. We're coming.

BELLHOP:

Hope that's not

the little woman.

Oh, ha ha.

It was nothing. Nothing.

Ah, faith and be glory.

It was a mouse.

A mouse!

BELLHOP: A mouse, huh!

Ugh. Not really that much

of a problem.

We can take care of that.

Uh, heh, I think was mouse,

it could've been cockroach.

Cockroach?

Uh, come to think of it,

you know what,

I am so silly.

It was nothing

but a tiny little flea.

Fleas! Ugh.

I'll get the manager.

All right, what the hell is

the matter with you?

(GASPS)

It's Willie.

How did he get in there?

I put them there.

You killed him?

Of course not,

he was already dead.

But I drag him

from floor to closet.

It is 11:30.

What is this?

Train schedule.

You think he was going

somewhere?

Or he was meeting someone.

Come on, let's go.

Get out of here.

Come on.

But Boris, your disguise,

what if someone see you?

We tell them

we lost weight,

running up and down those

stairs. Hurry up.

Whoever did this to Willie

knows we're here, anyway.

We've got to get rid

of this stiff

before the bellhop

comes back with the manager.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGING)

Oh, we're in luck,

the elevator is working.

Oh. No sir, excuse me,

that elevator's in service,

it's just for

the hotel staff.

We are the staff.

I'm the house detective.

Oh, what's the matter

with him?

Oh, he is drunk again.

I don't know

why I married him.

Gee, don't I know you

from somewhere?

Okay, what floor?

Any floor.

We gotta dump

this stiff and get

to the train station.

To see who is getting off

11:30 train, right?

You are a genius.

Right. It is 11:15 now.

Oh, my God,

look who it is!

Oh, Toots, Harve.

What you do here?

We're here for the party.

I didn't know you were

invited, we would

have come together.

Who's your friend?

Willie. Oh, no.

Onopolous.

Mr. Willie Onopolous.

He's a Greek guy we know.

It looks like he's had

too much ouzo if you ask me.

(ALL LAUGHING)

We were just leaving,

if you just got here,

we'll stay for a while.

No, he's too drunk to party

and he ruined

whole evening, creep.

Thank you very much

but we better

just drive him home.

Oh, come on, how about

if we drive Mr...

What's his name?

Willie Onopolous.

Uh, come on,

we'll take him home

so Boris and Natasha can

stay and enjoy the party.

No. It's all right, heh.

Oh!

He's cold as ice.

He was holding ice.

It's his drinking hand.

We have to go.

We better go too.

This thing's gonna go

without us.

(LAUGHING)

So how'd you two meet

Mr., um...

Willie Onopolous.

That's a strange name.

Oh, he's Irish.

Greek.

Right, we are Irish.

Pottsylvanian.

Right, right. Heh, I have

a couple drink myself.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Look up there, everybody.

All those dead flies.

Oh, what a shame.

Ugh, it makes me sick.

Uh...

Oh. Oh.

Uh, he is going to be

sick too.

We've got to get him

to a washroom, come on.

Oh, he's sick.

Uh, uh, uh, hey, buddy,

you want some help?

Boris, I don't like this.

First Willie,

now Toots and Harve.

I thought it was supposed

to be obscure hotel

where no one find us.

Shut up and keep walking.

NATASHA:

Uh oh!

Hello, Mr. And Mrs. O'Beeth.

Hello.

Come on, help me.

Oh.

We can't put Willie in there,

he was our friend.

We have no friend.

Come on, up.

Come on, Boris, say some

nice word for Willie.

On hangers, no starch.

You are bad.

You are very bad, Boris.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on,

you've got the train schedule?

Oh, no, I left in room.

What?

(SIGHS)

(BOTH PANTING)

Ugh, I need a drink.

Is good idea.

MAN: Excuse me.

My name

is Anton Paulovitch.

I understand

you're looking for me.

How did you know

where to find us?

Never mind that.

Let's talk about the chip

you're looking for.

The chip? Oh, yes,

of course. The chip.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Uh, don't worry.

I'll get rid of them.

BOTH: (IN UNISON)

Surprise!

What the hell?

HARVE: Look who we found.

Mr. Willie Onopolous

was sleeping it off

in the laundry room.

Figure you'd be

looking for him.

How come you checked

in here?

Don't you already have

an apartment?

Uh, you can't come in.

I'm, uh, sorry.

You see, we've got, um...

Toots, Harve, I'm so sorry,

you can't come in,

but, uh, we are having some

problem with our relationship,

and Mr. Willie Onopolous

is our marriage counselor.

Doesn't look like

he'd be much help.

Oh, no, not now,

but when he come to,

he is like,

uh, he can, Boris...

Uh, it's a new technique.

He deliberately

incapacitated himself,

thereby giving us

a mutual responsibility.

You see, by helping him,

it helps us.

If you're paying him more

than $70 an hour,

you're getting ripped

off, pal.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Why don't we go let those

two lovebirds work it out.

See you later, Tash.

Thank you. Bye.

Ugh. Sorry about...

He's gone!

All right,

get the train schedule,

we're going to the station.

Is gone.

BORIS: What?

He probably took it

with him. Damn.

At least we know

why he was here.

Yes. Why?

First he killed Willie,

and then he come back

for train schedule.

Yes, yes,

I don't know, maybe.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Don't answer that.

But maybe it's him.

(KEYS JINGLING)

Complimentary fruit basket.

Oh, hi, Mr. And Mrs. O'Beeth.

I didn't think you were here.

Anyway, complimentary

fruit basket.

Of course, you might not want

it on account of your diet.

By the way,

you both look great.

I've never seen such

a dramatic weight loss.

Anyway, if you need anything,

just give me a ring.

Oh, uh, by the way,

if you need any pillows,

they're here in this closet.

BOTH: (IN UNISON) No!

(GASPING AND SCREAMING)

I see you have met

Dr. Lisbon.

Is he dead?

BORIS: Of course not,

you idiot.

He's a professional hypnotist,

he's helping us with our diet.

Look. He's in a trance

right now.

He sees everything we do,

hears everything we say.

He can see me now?

Yes.

And he's very angry at you,

because you pulled him

from the closet

when he was focusing

his great powers.

Sorry Dr. Lisbon, I just

wanted to get some pillows.

Uh, Dr. Lisbon could

help you,

just in the way

he is helping us.

Really, how?

Talk to him.

Through the door,

closed like this?

He can hear you.

I don't want to lose

any weight.

Don't insult Dr. Lisbon,

his power goes

far beyond diet.

Dr. Lisbon know all.

We will leave you alone

with him. Quick.

Dr. Lisbon, uh...

It's me, Tony.

The bellhop.

Uh, I'm not fat,

but I've got

a little bursitis

on the right side

of my shoulder.

A lot of pain, um...

I don't hear him.

Listen.

(FOOTSTEPS SOUNDING)

There he is.

(ENGINE REVS)

We will never catch him.

I'll catch him.

Boris.

Ooh.

(GROANING)

Hey, how close was

I to that guy?

Pretty close.

Surprised you didn't

nail him.

Oh, thank you.

That was a pretty stupid

thing to do.

You could've killed him

and then we never find out

what goings on.

At least I tried.

It's too late now.

We will never get to train

station by 11:30.

Oh yeah, watch this.

Taxi?

(TIRES SCREECH)

Oh, Boris.

Oh, my God.

Are you all right?

He is fine,

he was just showing off.

You are one

lucky stiff, pal.

Oh yeah,

I'm real lucky.

Can you get us to

train station by 11:30?

For 100? Get in.

Okay, let's go.

BORIS:

Ugh, you'll never make it.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

All right, Mr. Bub,

give me at least $50 back.

Sorry.

Hey, poopsie!

(BORIS WHISTLES)

How we know is same one?

(GROANS)

Oh, good. He's here.

Boris, it's him.

Hey...

He's going around the back.

You come to the front.

Paulovitch, wait

BORIS:

Here he comes.

(BOTH GRUNT)

Taxi!

Boris, where is Professor?

Don't know.

(ENGINE REVS)

There he goes.

What the...

Hey, taxi!

Driver, follow

that scooter.

Should have pulled

the plug on that thing

when I had the chance.

(ALL SCREAM)

ANTON: Don't kill me,

please, please.

Boris, don't shoot.

Wait, wait, wait.

What the hell is going on?

How are you doing in here?

You are going to kill me.

You are assassins, oh, my God.

Ahh, don't be ridiculous,

you are assassin.

You are the one

who killed Willie

and left his body

in our hotel room.

I don't know any Willie.

BORIS: Oh, really?

Well, then perhaps

you can explain this.

No, I've never seen it before.

I've never seen you before.

Who the hell

are you, anyway?

Now, you listen.

We are asked to come

find you here

and ever since

we come to this country,

people are shooting at us,

bodies are dropping like fly

and all because

something to do with you.

So start talking, mister.

I don't know what to say.

Boris, he doesn't

look like killer.

(SNIFFS)

What's that smell?

Driver, stop the car!

But why?

Dynamite!

NATASHA: Oh, no.

I said stop the cab.

Ahh, you killed him.

Boris.

(BORIS GRUNTING)

(SCREAMS)

What was that?

We blew up!

It happened again.

Yes, we have to jump out.

Argh, this

is beginning to hurt.

ALL: Jump.

(ALL GROANING)

Marvelous.

Absolutely magnificent.

BORIS:

I never want to die again.

It works.

Can you believe it?

Of course, I knew it would

but even so this

is the first true test

under life

and death conditions.

You know, I'm really,

very proud.

What the hell

are you talking about?

The chip.

NARRATOR:

Yes, there it was

at long last.

The incredible

time-reversing microchip

that they didn't even

know existed.

Is incredible.

We didn't even

know it existed.

NARRATOR:

And as they stood

in the moonlight,

Dr. Paulovitch

explained all about it.

How he had invented it

and about all the

different people who

were after it

including his own

insane twin brother, Kregor,

who was rampaging around,

trying to kill anyone

who got in his way.

Well, our heroes

were so impressed,

they immediately vowed

to join forces

to stop the world

from misusing his

incredible invention.

Unfortunately,

he talked so long,

he put them all to sleep

and they slept so soundly

that not even

the 515 from Yonkers

could wake them up.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

He's gone!

What? Professor Paulovitch.

Argh!

Damn, why does this

always have to happen?

(GRUNTING)

Boris, look.

That's it? No clue?

This is clue.

NARRATOR:

Yes, it was clue.

Lucky for them

and for us,

the Professor had the

presence of mind to leave it

just as he was snatched away

and with one look

at that penny,

Natasha made

the obvious conclusion.

NATASHA:

Oh, look, Boris.

I feel just like we're

in Alfred Hitchcock movie.

Don't kid yourself.

Here, look at this.

Is tunnel.

Is nasal passage. Come on.

NATASHA: Boris.

BORIS: Shh.

(MACHINES BEEPING)

NATASHA:

Boris, look,

a secret laboratory.

Oh, boy.

BORIS:

You know what this is?

Is dust-free room

for making microchip.

I knew that.

Boris, look.

Is Pottsylvanian bed.

Don't have time for that,

poopsie. Come on.

Get a load of this.

Must be hundreds.

He's mailing them

all over the world.

(MAN YELLING)

Listen, I think

there's someone in there.

Hello? Hello?

MAN: Help!

Poopsie, here.

Dr. Paulovitch!

Thank God, you found me.

What the hell are you doing

hanging upside down?

Boris, don't talk to him,

cut him down.

All right.

(GROANING)

Was not nice.

I assumed he would

tuck and roll.

Not everyone is hung upside

down as much as we are.

Huh, how can I

ever thank you?

I assume you got my clue.

The penny

was brilliantly simple.

Sure, sure, we made

the connection right away.

Come on, up

on your feet. Up.

BORIS:

What is this place?

Well, this is my home.

My secret laboratory.

But who kidnapped you?

Kregor.

Your twin?

Everybody thought he was dead

but he was too brilliant,

too clever for them

and finally, when I...

When he found me...

Wait a minute.

Where did you get these shoes?

Hands up.

What the hell?

But what are you doing?

PAULOVITCH: Get back!

Back I said.

But why?

The resemblance is uncanny,

don't you think?

Ow!

Anton?

Who else?

Come on, we've gotta

get you up.

Argh, thank you.

Look, Kregor,

you don't have to kill us.

We could all go back

to Pottsylvania together.

You would get

a hero's welcome.

I'm not interested

in a hero's welcome.

I'm interested in money.

Hundreds and millions

of dollars.

Do you know what

this idiot was doing?

Mass-producing

the time reverse chip.

What kind of

stupid thing is that?

That is a very

interesting question.

I realized, at once,

the military implications.

How one nation

could rule the world.

I tried to destroy the chip

but it kept coming back,

don't you see.

So I decided

I had to make more.

So that every country

on earth could have them

and think of the good.

Why it could

end war, it could...

He was gonna give them

away, do you believe it?

Give them away!

It's a good thing I found

you in time to kill you.

Yes, dear brother, kill you.

So I can re-emerge as you

and claim the rewards

I justly deserve

as the inventor of the chip.

You have nothing

to do with it

and if you kill us,

it will be on your head.

I can live with that.

Well, I can't.

Neither can I.

Quiet!

SHELDON:

Ow, goddamn it!

Drop the gun.

Oh, thank God

you are here.

Ugh, this maniac

was trying to kill us.

Don't get

your hopes up, kid.

My plans for you

aren't much brighter.

All right,

hand over the chip.

Excuse me, sir.

Please don't kill us.

If you want the chip

for your government...

No, no, that's where

you're wrong, doc.

I'm not working

for the government today.

I'm working for the

real power in America.

The auto industry.

Not to mention

defense contracts and

insurance companies.

If this chip gets out,

can you imagine what

would happen to weapon

sales and cars?

What if there were

never another car crash?

Come on, wake up

and smell the napalm.

My people want this chip

on ice for a couple of years

until we can figure out

some kind of strategy.

That's immoral.

So's car insurance

but you still pay for it.

Drop the gun, Sheldon.

Drop it or you're dead.

Toots, Harve!

Also known as agents

Moose and Squirrel.

Moose and Squirrel?

Yes, your old adversaries,

surgically altered once again.

Oh, boy.

But Toots...

I thought was friend.

Sorry, Tash, old kid,

but this is business.

You understand.

So you knew all along.

Sure, Willie was in with me

until I found out

he was a double agent.

So you killed him.

I thought

you killed him.

No, we didn't kill him.

All right, all right,

I killed him.

Let's change the subject.

To what?

You and your genius?

He's just trying to bring the

conversation back to himself.

He does it all the time.

No, I really killed him.

Why is everyone so stupid?

Look, I was pretending

to be Anton.

When you surprised me

when you came

back to the room.

When I came back to the room

to find the train schedule

Willie had taken from

me in the scuffle when

I killed him

because he'd followed

me to the hotel

where I had followed you,

if you follow me.

After Willie

had killed me nearly,

who was talking to you

about Willie.

No, no, about Anton.

No, where was I?

Wait a minute.

So who shot up

our apartment?

I did.

Oh, you are a real

fun guy, aren't you?

All right, that's enough.

(EXPLODING)

(YELLING)

Fearless Leader.

Shut your mouth!

Everybody lie on the floor,

especially you two.

But Fearless Leader...

Quiet!

Well, well, it's been

a long time, Felix.

Suez '62, wasn't it?

Shut up about that.

Now, where is the microchip?

So Manelli was right.

You were only using us.

Of course.

I had the chance to be the

most powerful man in the world

and be rid of you two,

all at the same time.

It would've worked too

if this cretin hadn't

shot my best assassin.

(FEARLESS LEADER CACKLES)

I'm sorry, Kregor, to ruin

your ingenious little plan.

You have made me

a very wealthy man.

It's a pity none of you

will live to witness it.

(EXPLODING)

Where is the egg of Kiev?

Oh, shut up.

NATASHA:

Grab him, Boris!

(ALL GRUNTING AND

SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

(GUN FIRES)

Don't anyone move.

What we do now, Boris?

You got a light?

Boris...

I've been saving this

for a rainy day.

Heads up, everybody!

(ALL SCREAMING)

Boris.

Boris, speak to me, Boris.

Argh, get leg off chest!

Oh, Boris, darling,

thank God you are safe!

Oh, no.

Look, darling, look.

We are in balloon.

You gotta be kidding.

NATASHA: Look,

is burlap bag

and egg of Kiev.

Oh, boy.

Boris, it was chips.

You blow us all the way back

to beginning of movie.

I did? Oh, yeah, I did.

Heh, pretty good plan,

huh, poopsie?

Hello?

(BOTH SCREAM)

Paulovitch, what the hell

are you doing here?

That is an

interesting question.

Some kind of overload,

I should think.

Wait a minute,

we got to figure out

what is going on here.

We are in balloon,

we have egg

and not one thing

has happened yet.

Okeydokey. So now we go

back to Potts...

Oh, no!

What?

If we know

what's going to happen

then so does

Fearless Leader.

What we do?

Only one thing

we can do...

(SIGHS)

We go to Tahiti.

Boris, darling.

(BORIS AND NATASHA LAUGHING)

Wait a minute, aren't there

only two of them?

Yes, Colonel Gorda.

For a moment

I thought I saw three.

Oh, by the way, I never

really got your names.

Oh, permit me

to introduce myself.

I'm Boris Badanov

and this is my...

My girlfriend,

Natasha Fatale.

NARRATOR:

And so they went to Tahiti.

Unfortunately,

it was monsoon season

and most of the residents

were in the process

of evacuating the island,

but Boris and Natasha

didn't care.

They were safe,

they were together

and things

were back to normal.

(WHISTLES)

Hey, poopsie!

NARRATOR:

Professor Paulovitch

spent his days

indulging his

lifelong dream

of staging a sand crab

version of the

musical Camelot.

While Boris and Natasha

took long, leisurely

strolls on the beach,

safe and secure for the

first time in their lives...

But were they?

If they remembered

what had happened,

then didn't they realize

everyone else would too?

For instance,

what about Anton's

evil brother, Kregor?

Could he still be

lurking about?

And did they really think

that Fearless Leader

wouldn't come after them?

Time had been reversed

so Agent X

would still be alive.

What?

What about Moose,

Squirrel, Kaufman?

What about Jose,

Manelli, Kalishak?

What about Telly Savalas?

What's he been doing lately?

And who the hell

is this guy?

The answers

to these questions

didn't seem

to matter to them.

Were they really so naive?

Were they really so unaware

that they thought could

hide in Tahiti forever?

Did they think that

no one could follow them?

Did they think they

could just sit there...

Ah, shut up!

NARRATOR:

Well, be with us next time

for Goodbye Mr. Chip

or The Megabytes Back.

(SALLY KELLERMAN'S IT'S GOOD

TO BE BAD PLAYING)

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ Some women want

a man to be nice

♪ Hold a nine-to-five job

Kiss her once or twice

♪ But if you're

looking for danger

♪ It's the same old song

♪ You'll need a bad, bad man

A man that's gone wrong

♪ I've got a lover

that makes me weak

♪ I'm tossin' and turnin'

I can't get no sleep

♪ If a man is asking me

why I love him so much

♪ He's a bad, bad man

with a dynamite touch

♪ He's got a dynamite touch

You are so bad,

you're good.

Heh, it's good to be bad.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

♪ It's good to be bad

It's bad to be good

♪ Ow! Bogie and Bacall

made love over there

♪ Bonny and Clyde

are a hell of a pair

♪ Ask Dirty Harry why

his women go wild

♪ He's got a long, cool gun

♪ That he treats like a child

♪ I've got a lover

that makes me weak

♪ I'm tossin' and turnin'

I can't get no sleep

♪ Everybody's asking me

why I love him so much

♪ He's a bad, bad man

with a dynamite touch

♪ He's got a dynamite touch

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ Do what you shouldn't

Not what you should

♪ You know you've looked

at other men

♪ In your neighborhood

♪ You know you'll do it

♪ It's just a question

of when

♪ And if you

don't understand me

♪ Then I'll tell you again

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ Bad to be good

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ Bad to be good

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's good to be

Good to be

♪ Good to be bad

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ It's good to be bad

It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

♪ It's good to be bad

♪ It's bad to be good

I was around 12 when...

That's when

I guess I realized

my parents didn't

really like me.

I mean, not really hated me

but I just think that, ugh...

Well, see,

there was this one time

where we went on this camping

trip during the summer

to Yellowstone

and, uh, see there

were these bears...

Boris and Natasha (1992) - full transcript