Bordering on Bad Behavior (2014) - full transcript
Bordering on Bad Behavior is a politically incorrect comedy that entertains and enthralls the viewer into a strategic moment in history where wrong is right and right is wrong, and ultimately answers that age-old question: Is blood really thicker than water? And, if war kills, can weed heal!
*
What do you call
a good looking Arab?
[Yells]
[men laughing]
What the fuck?
[Rock music *]
Thanks, mate.
Who are we escorting next,
habibi?
Put it this way...
It's a pencil-pushing tight-ass prick you
would love to punch the fuck out of,
the Defense Minister.
Ah, shit!
He's the reason we got no decent fresh food in this place.
He keeps cutting the budget,
pretty soon we'll be throwing rocks like your mob!
[Sarcastically]
Ha, ha, ha.
Your last deployment mate.
Going to miss you, Baz.
This place is gonna be
damn boring without you!
Ah, you'll find another Arab to take the piss out of,
I'm sure!
Yeah, but not a half Arab.
Hold your tongue or I'll stick
this rifle up your ass, wanker!
Yeah, you'd like that, hey!
What the fuck is that?!
- Sir!
Sergeant Smith and I will be your escorts
to the U.S. Green Zone this morning, sir.
ETA 20 mikes.
- What?
Ah, it will take us 20 minutes to get to the American base, sir.
Yeah, of course.
What happened to all our
Black Hawk helicopters?
Well, sir, ah...
All the Black Hawks are
currently down at the moment,
well, with all the budget cuts.
You see that flak jacket
you're wearing, sir?
Yeah?
It has no armored plating.
A bullet would go
straight through that.
It's true, I'm using it as a
window shield in my room.
Bloody budget cuts.
Well, you blokes do realize that there is a recession going on, right?
Yes sir, we understand that.
But with all due respect,
it's just hard to do our job when our equipment's falling apart.
[Loud bang]
What the fuck was that?!
Oh, I wouldn't worry about that
too much, sir.
It was nothing.
What do you fucking mean,
"nothing?"
That thing just shat its pants!
Well, sir...
due to the budget cuts,
the thing that just shat its pants,
is the only thing we have
to get us where we're going.
Is it safe?
Yes sir, it's safe.
We'll get you back to your
recession in one piece.
Might be a good idea to stop
cutting the budget,
right sir?
- Fuck me...
New flak jackets and
helicopters for everyone.
Right on!
About time, you fucking wanker.
[Rock music *]
[music ends *]
Abdallah!
[Speaking Hebrew]
The pride
of the Golani Brigade.
Yeah, not yet.
The pricks won't let me back,
till I pass my psych test.
That's because you... need to
stop head-butting brick walls.
You still taking your meds?
Don't need them.
Shit!
You got to chill out, man.
[Speaking Arabic]
They are living in Haifa,
they are both retired.
[Speaking Hebrew]
He's just a family friend.
Actually, his wife used to
babysit me and my brother.
I don't like the look of him.
[Speaking Hebrew]
[speaking Arabic]
Have fun looking at a screen
and try not to kill anyone.
Fuck you, you goddamn cook!
Hey, I love my job!
What a beautiful day.
What a fucking shit hole!
Damn.
*
[sighs]
[country music playing
over radio *]
Don't be closing
that door there.
How else am I gonna tan this
beautiful body of a man, huh?
What?
You heard me.
Good arm there, boy.
Now...
Don't be closing the door.
You hear me?
Welcome!
You must be Ari?
[Chuckling]
You're one friendly motherfucker,
you ever hear that?
This place is a shit fight.
I've never seen a comm's center
run so goddamn poorly.
Settle down, Justin Timberlake,
that's the way
thing's run up here.
You need to get with
the program, okay.
Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
Well, I want to talk to the
officer in charge, right now.
Well, let me get right on that.
Okay, son?
They told me about you.
You're that snapperhead
with no personality.
You listen to me!
I'm a special forces soldier of the Golani Brigade!
You hear me?
Uh-uh, you were!
You're a fucking nobody.
Now you listen up, cocksucker.
Imma be leavin' this shithole
tomorrow morning,
so I'll be cussing...
and uh, drinking and calling
you a cocksucker, okay?
Now uh...
You see them three bars...
here, on my beautiful shirt?
That means, I'm Captain...
Officer.
And by the looks of things,
you're just a fucking grunt, so...
That means, I...
am the officer...
in charge.
Impossible.
- Ah...
Uh-uh, the Israeli officer wasn't feeling well,
so they sent him home.
So, it's just you and me, motherfucker,
until tomorrow morning, okay?
Get your bag, get back
in your hooch,
get suited and booted
right now.
Fuck off!
[Chuckles]
Ah, this is going to be fun.
[Car door opens, closes]
Ah look, it's Aunty Samira!
[Speaking Arabic]
[dance music *]
[no audible dialogue]
[indistinct chatter]
So... how's mom?
She's good, yeah, she's still
busy with the café.
Never stop's working.
She's a workaholic, alright.
So when are you leaving the
village and heading back home?
Australia?
This is where I belong.
Nice uniform, wanker!
Did your wife iron it for ya?
Habibi Bassam!
Still patrolling the border?
I am now in charge
of a platoon.
Woohoo, big man!
Pride of the Lebanese Army.
So... tonight...
You come with me.
Where to?
- Kfar Kila.
Why would I want
to go there for?
You are Lebanese, Baz,
be proud.
Your father fought
for this land, yeah?
And?
- You should go...
The girls will be fine here.
Get out and smell the fresh air
around here.
Fresh air, huh?
We'll only be gone for a few hours?
- Of course.
I even have a uniform for you.
Uniform?!
[Speaking Arabic]
She puts up with your shit?
The wife must always respect
and obey the man.
Oh, that's right, I forgot,
we're still in the village.
[Speaking Arabic]
This is how
you treat your wife?
In front of our friends?
A real man would treat me
like a princess!
Look at Baz,
how he treat Jewels.
I'm sorry princess,
please forgive me.
You are so beautiful.
She's beautiful, ah, yeah?
I love you.
Later I give you nice massage.
What, are we going on a picnic,
mate?
What's the camera for?
- Surveillance.
Does this thing
have night vision?
You two love-birds
going camping, or what?
Jewels, my cousin!
Maz, the sleaze!
Sleaze?
I like this name!
We go on border patrol
of Israel tonight.
Don't worry, I will
look after Bassam.
What do you think, babe?
[Speaking Arabic]
We have fun!
Take me to Australia with you,
please, cousin.
I would love to go.
I hear the people there are
nice and weather is beautiful.
Ya, Sydney, Melbourne...
Gold Coast, Sea World...
Dreamworld, kangaroo!
You sound like
a tourism commercial.
When your English gets a bit better and you come out to Australia,
I'll get you a job in the café.
Habibi Bassam!
Thank you.
Take it easy with the hugs,
mate.
People will think we're gay.
[Man over radio]
Patrol Unit 1, respond.
There's an urgent request
made by the CO.
[Speaking Arabic]
He needs cigarettes.
Check my locker,
there's a carton in there.
We already did.
You better not be
drinking my Araq.
Too late... Just get some
cigarettes for the boss.
Over.
[Cursing in Arabic]
Shu, what's up?
I have to head back
to the base now.
Some shit job I must do.
What do you want me to do?
Listen, habibi, I'll be gone
40 minutes tops, okay?
All you have to do is walk
in this direction
until you come across a house with lots of those antennas on the roof.
You're taking the piss, right?
No, I don't need piss now.
When you get there just
knock on the door,
tell them you're my cousin,
give them this.
Wait a minute!
I don't know a word of Arabic and you're
asking me to walk into a Lebanese Army base?
Why do Australians
worry about everything?
You're sending me on a tour
that has the Israeli soldiers
looking at me
through their scopes.
Don't worry.
Here, take my pistol,
it's an old 9mm.
Just follow
the yellow brick road.
You know,
from The Wizard of the Oz.
Yeah, thanks Dorothy, dumb-ass.
Dumb-ass?
I like this word.
Gay, dumb-ass.
Very nice words.
You teach me more.
[Bird chirping]
*
[exhales deeply]
Anyone home?
[Door slams,
beeps]
Ah, Ari!
How many times I gotta tell ya,
not to close
that goddamn door?!
[Toilet flushes]
Bob, what the fuck are you
doing on the floor?
*
[speaking Arabic]
Shut up.
Okay man, okay man.
You speak English?
Just untie me and you can
walk free, my friend, okay?
Hey Druze boy...
You hear me, you fucking--!
You fucking hear me?!
What's your name?
Oh!
Ah, Bob.
And that cock-head over there
is named ah...
Ari.
[Speaking Arabic]
Listen, mate...
I was on my way to
grandma's house, and got lost...
and ended up here.
So if I'm a guest in your home,
I need you to be nice so we can resolve this little matter.
- Sure my friend...
We can have a cup of tea
and watch a little TV.
Huh, what do you think?
Don't be smart.
You're fucking English
or Arabic?
Australian Lebanese.
Australian Lebanese, okay,
so let me get this right.
You crossed the Lebanese-
Israeli border,
without anyone seeing you.
You're Australian Lebanese...
You walked into a top secret
Israeli communication base,
and you've taken two prisoners!
Yeah, that sounds about right.
What the fuck happened, huh?
Work it out, fuck-stick!
We've been captured.
Where the fuck were you, Bob?!
Uh...
Shu?
No, I was grabbing a beer...
and um, I got punched
in the face by this...
this here nice gentleman
with the gun.
Fucking Americans...
Everything is a fucking party,
right?!
What?
- Homecoming!
Miller time.
Well as you can see...
we have a crazy Australian Arab
with us tonight!
An Aussie?
Hey, you from
the penal colony?!
You're a goddamn criminal, huh?
I'm just kidding.
Jesus, Bob, when God
was giving out brains,
you clearly thought they were
milk shakes!
Hey look, man...
you make fun of my goddamn middle name one more time,
I'll bite off your nose!
What's your name, Arab?
Steady on with that Arab thing.
My name is Baz and I work
for nobody, alright?
You know Baz,
we have plenty of room for pussies like you in our prisons.
You're in Israel, motherfucker!
No one fucks with us, got it?!
Shut the fuck up!
Boys please, for the love
of God, shut up.
Hey, hey, hey,
relax with the guns,
guns ain't funs.
What do you say
we have a few beers?
You Aussies love a cold one,
right? Yeah?
Gimme a fucking second!
- Sure, sure.
[Beeping]
[voice over radio]
Alright, listen...
Bob...
That sounds good to me.
But no bullshit, alright?
I am no threat to you.
I just walked in
the wrong fucking door.
Roger that.
Kind sir,
if you would be so nice and go over here and cut my cable tie,
I could get up
and get us some beers.
[Laughing]
I just don't want to die today
or tomorrow.
Alright.
Don't cut off my hand, please.
But not you, Ari.
You have to calm
your shit down first!
Who the fuck gave you
all the power?
Just because you got a gun,
don't you think you're getting out of this situation scott-free.
Hey, steady on mate.
Alright, let's just tone it down a notch.
- Fuck!
Now, I know that your
adrenaline is pumping,
and the red mist is fucking with your
ability to process this situation right now.
But I urge you to calm
your shit down.
Piece of shit.
[Speaking Hebrew]
This guy is off the charts.
There you go.
Ari, Ari...
Relax.
Yeah okay, fat man.
Fat man? I'm not fat.
Hey look...
Let me ask you
the same question.
Who gave you all the power?
Who gave me the power?
Who gave me the power?
You're in my country,
you American idiot!
Go invade some other
weak-ass country!
Get your head out of your ass,
and clean the shit from your
ears, and hear me soldier.
Because when the shit
hits the fan
and it gets a little
rough out there,
all you pussies,
and you're all pussies...
you call the good ol' U.S. of A.
To save your fucking asses.
[Car horn beeps twice]
It's your lucky day!
You can choose two cupcakes,
okay?
This one and...
Baby, I'm just gonna go out
for some fresh air, okay?
Oh, you mean a cancer stick?
Some people call it that.
I call it fresh air.
You sure?
What about that one?
And this one.
- Mm-hm.
And that one.
How's it goin'?
[High-pitched tone,
car alarms]
Jewels baby, are you okay?
Yeah, yeah, we're okay.
Oh God, you're hurt!
Listen, stay here
and don't move.
Sarah, gimme your mobile phone.
Wait, where are you going?
Get back.
Stay down, stay down.
[Woman weeping]
Somebody please help me!
She was in the bomb blast.
Yes, yes tell me what happened?
Looks like she clipped
a femoral artery, hurry.
[Woman translating]
Hurry!
Where are you from?
What kind of question is that?
Are you Israeli?
What does it matter
where I'm from?
An old lady might die, and
you're asking where I'm from?
Yes, I want to know where
you come from.
Australia, you happy?!
You look Arabic.
Are you an Arab?
You know an Arab did this.
- I don't know who the fuck did this,
I know an Arab tried to save her life!
- Baz!
Are you ok?
- I'm good.
Where's Lisa?
Uh, she's uh...
[speaking Hebrew]
You're with this terrorist?
You bastard,
he's not a fucking terrorist.
You're married to an Arab?
Fuck you, terrorist!
Fuck you!
So, Baz...
What's your story, huh?
I joined the Australian Army
back in '01.
I served in Afghanistan
and Iraq as a commando.
I discharged...
[chuckles]
under a week ago.
I'm visiting my father who lives about five kilometers from here.
How's that working out
for you, man?
Not so good, actually, Ari.
Don't mind him.
I was tagging along with my
cousin on a night patrol,
and I got lost and somehow
ended up here.
Talk about being in the wrong
place at the wrong time, huh?
This is retarded!
I am getting the fuck
out of here!
Sayonara, dickheads!
Ari, you need to get
your head checked.
Bob, good luck, mate.
[Ari] Get the fuck out of my country!
- I'm fucking trying mate!
You can't leave, Baz!
- Bullshit, Bob!
You locked the front door,
which means you locked us all
in here for the next six hours.
You're making no sense,
sunshine.
It's a time-lock door Baz,
for security reasons.
It will automatically open
after six hours
or a soldier with a code from
the outside can get in, see?
See the clock?
- That just makes no fucking sense!
What makes sense in the
military, huh?
Well, I don't know?
A fucking key?
Only a patrol
with the code number
can get in and the key went home with the Israeli officer.
So there you go.
What happens if there's a fire
or one of you nutters
decides to go all
Bowling for Columbine?
Well, asshole, it's our duty
to stay locked in.
That's because you're pussies!
Why was the door unlocked
in the first place?
'Cause Bob wanted to tan
his beautiful body of a man!
That's true, that is true.
But we always leave
the door open, I mean...
nothing ever happens here.
We're in the middle of nowhere.
We're pretty much fucked,
aren't we, right?
When that door opens,
I'm firing the first shot.
With any luck, I can make a run
for the border.
It's either that or I'm dead.
[Chuckles]
If you do that...
Israel will attack
Lebanon and...
anybody else she views
as a threat and...
boom!
[Explosion,
car alarms]
[speaking Arabic]
Bomb blast.
Tel Aviv.
Five minutes ago.
Car bomb, fucking car bomb.
Many people are wounded,
some are dead.
[Speaking Hebrew]
You want a beer?
It's nice and cold.
You married, Bob?
Boyfriend, girlfriend?
Actually, I...
lost my wife five years ago
to cancer, so yeah.
I'm sorry to hear that, mate.
- Yeah.
Well that's a fucking shame,
Bob.
Things happen.
How about yourself?
I'm married.
- Bob!
Bob!
What?!
Give me one of those
cigarettes.
Can he have a cigarette?
No!
You know what, why don't you
paint yourself blue,
get inside the ocean,
fucking drown, huh?
What does that mean?
- Some Jew thing, I think.
I don't even know what that means.
- Fuck this, fuck this shit!
Fuck this!
I've had enough of this
fucking bullshit.
Shoot me.
Come on,
you goddamn Arabic dog.
My grandfather
killed you Arabs,
my dad killed you Arabs,
and I swear to God,
I'm gonna kill a few more Arabic scum shit like you before I die.
Shoot me!
- Baz, no.
Isn't it great how we can
just shoot you fuckers?
Blow your homes up
and no one talks about it?
I love it.
The whole world thinks
nothing of you.
You give us 20 more years
and we'll exterminate you to the very fucking last of you bitches!
You're a tough motherfucker with five
or six Army buddies behind you, huh?
But a big fucking pussy,
one on one.
Do it, you fucking pussy,
come on.
I'm going to fucking kill you.
This is for your grandfather,
this is for your father.
Come on,
you fucking Israeli psycho!
You fucking pussy!
Sit the fuck down!
Hey, hey, come on, Ari.
Fucking okay.
Fucking let me go, fuck you!
Settle down now.
Come on now.
Here, here, have a drink.
Have a drink.
Why'd you have to hit him
so hard for?
Come on, God darn.
[Ari coughing]
- It's okay, kid.
Fuck off!
You know what, Ari?
You're more barbaric than
a pit bull in heat.
You are kind of fucked up.
- Shut the fuck up, Bob.
Okay.
Why is the world so scared
of you guys?
I mean, you got the whole world
shitting in their pants!
What the fuck
are you talking about?
You say a thing against a Jew,
and the media goes fucking ape-shit
with the term anti-Semitic...
The holocausts.
The fucking Jews have been persecuted for thousands of years.
But here you are telling me
that you love to kill Arabs.
Now how the fuck
does that work?
Yeah, because your Muslim
Jihad, that blows themself up
in our buses
are innocent, right?
No Ari, that's not
what I'm saying,
all extremists need to have
their head read, okay?
The media just makes us
look real like shit!
That's true.
Come live in America,
say a bad thing about a Jew
and they will
cut your balls off.
But land in the US as an Arab
and get harassed.
Baz, to be fair, you did
blow up our twins.
Which was a colossal fuck up.
Now I'm not saying that
mistakes haven't been made.
But can you imagine if the Arabs started crying to the world
that they have been persecuted?
By the Romans, the Ottomans,
the British, the French, Tom,
Dick and fucking Dirty Harry?
People would laugh!
Well the media has put bad spin
on you people, that's true.
I mean why is it okay for you
guys to be put on a pedestal
and wrapped in cotton wool?
Fuck you, man!
We have been persecuted.
People all over the world
have been persecuted!
Yeah whatever, this is our land
so both of you can get the fuck
out of here.
Look, what happened to
all the Arabs,
the Jews, the Christians that
were all living together, huh?
I'll tell you what happened.
When the Zionist movement
of the world decided it was
a good time to take Palestine,
they put a gun to their heads
and told everyone to fuck off.
You ever heard
of the Balfour Declaration?
Yep!
Huh?
The British mandate, the United
Nations resolution that states
half of the land of Palestine
is given to the Arabs
which they rejected and the other half is given to the Jews!
What about the massacres, son!
You forget that?
Groups such as the Irgun,
Lehi, Haganah?
Haganah took out British authorities,
and resident Arabs.
Well you know, shit was
happening on both sides, Bob.
That's war.
And the Arabs were no
fucking angels either.
In '48,
when the British withdrew,
Israel was immediately attacked
by the Arab nations.
So I'm very sorry that after
6 million Jews
that were slaughtered
in the holocaust,
we had to defend ourself.
What about that Six-Day War, huh?
What about it?
It was a glorious victory.
Oh come on, that was land
grabbing son, land grabbing.
Shit happens.
What about the invasion
of Lebanon, mate?
A lot of people died.
Your PLO buddies started it,
we just finished it.
Fuck off, Ari!
What about the 17,000 Lebanese civilians who died in the conflict of '82?
How the fuck do you know so much about Middle East politics, huh?
Well I've been living in the
Middle East about 10 years,
and I got a degree
in political science,
which makes me not just a red-neck but a very,
very smart red-neck!
Well, you don't have to live
with the Palestinians, okay.
Cut the bullshit, son.
'Cause you could say that about
any and all nationalities.
You're both full of shit.
I take it you're the man that
brought in Miss Rosenberg?
Anna is her name, yes.
You have I.D.? Passport?
Uh no, it's back at the hotel.
Where are you from?
I was born in Australia.
My father is Lebanese,
which makes me Lebanese.
Stand up.
What?
- [Speaking Hebrew]
Did you know that?
So why are you arresting him?
- Listen to me.
No, you listen to me.
What if he had
saved your mother?
Would him being
an Arab matter then?
Ms. Rosenberg wants to see
the man who saved her life.
[Bob] I've had enough of this bullshit,
had both of y'all... enough.
Hey Ari,
what do you say you give me a hand cleaning this shit up, okay?
Why don't you go fuck yourself,
anti-Semitic pig.
Hey don't put that anti-Semitic
shit on me, you new Jew boy.
Come on.
New Jew boy?
- Yeah.
You know Bob, before you
judge me and my people,
you should take a look
at your own history,
you hick country bumpkin!
Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
Here we go...
I'm sure you're going to give it to me. Give it to me.
Yeah well, America
was founded on genocide.
You guys are far from being
innocent in this argument.
Native Americans, slavery...
war-mongering.
You're an Ashkenazi Jew,
aren't you?
You're not even
a Sephardic Jew!
What?!
Answer the question, Ari.
Are you Sephardic or Ashkenazi?
A Jew is a Jew and that's it.
You should be a teacher,
a brief lecture and he's
already lost me!
The gentleman here is European.
- He's an asshole!
And not a descendant of the
people of this region.
He therefore can't
claim anti-Semitism!
You see, anyone from
this part of the world
who originated here
is a Semite.
That's me, regardless of what
god or practice you follow.
So Ari, by your own definition,
you're not a real Jew.
Fuck you Baz, it's like me
saying you're not Arabic
because you were born
in Australia.
All Jews, black, white, Asian,
all are Semitic by birthright
or conversion.
Are you fucking kidding me?
That shit was made up to protect you guys under one banner.
Yeah, okay.
Yo, Bob!
What do you call us Arabs in
your part of the world?
That would be Dune Coon, Sand Nigger,
Camel Jockey, and Towel Head, shit like that!
You see that is the true
definition of anti-Semitic!
Alright, so Bob,
who is the Semite in the room?!
Well, it ain't Ari 'cos he's some kinda European
breed which makes him an Ashkenazi!
You see, it's funny how you
people claim to be Semitic,
chanting the anti-Semite
war cry,
when you're not even a proper Semite
yourself or even understand the fucking term!
Where do you get your facts
from Baz?
No seriously,
I want you to tell me.
'Cause I've never heard so much racist
bullshit in my whole goddamn life!
Hey, listen you--
Listen, you two monkey ball
shavers, come on.
Baz, no, settle down.
Okay?
Fuck me.
You know what the problem
is with you people?
You think you're both right.
Now, you have facts
and you have facts.
And I will tell you,
that a fact is just another dickhead's opinion and that is a fucking fact.
Now, I have something special
to calm you two down.
And it isn't a...
man's penis, nor is it mine!
Mexican-Cuban bud!
Are you fucking serious?
Yeah...
I don't normally do it
on watch,
but I feel that we're all
gonna be killed tonight,
and I want to be high when I
catch my round in my head.
So, one for you,
go on, one for you,
one for me and...
Alright, come on, Ari!
Come with me,
we're going some place special
and you don't even have
to leave the building.
You can't anyway.
[Inhaling]
Now that's really...
That's, that's some strong weed
there.
Bye!
You okay?
I'm fine.
Don't worry about me,
I'm worried about you.
Just another day at the office,
huh?
It would be nice to get Lisa
out of the city.
Hey.
Hey.
Listen,
first thing in the morning...
we'll get a bus up
to Jordan and then...
hopefully be in Lebanon
by nightfall, huh?
I love you, baby.
I really fucking love you.
[Beeping]
When those soldiers come
through that door and see me,
they're really gonna fuck us
all to hell!
Yeah, yeah.
But, but first I'm going to
unload a full magazine.
No, 'cause I'm gonna tell them
who you really are.
I'm gonna to tell them,
[farting] he's fucking Australian!
So...
So, Bob.
How did you come to work
for the Israelis?
And why are you wearing an
Israeli uniform?
Yeah Bob,
I was wondering why are you wearing the uniform of a fucking warrior!
Fuck off, Ari!
I spilt some hot dog gravy
on my uniform this morning
and this is the only piece
of shit they had lying around.
You have some respect
for this uniform, scum shit.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I do
kinda like the color, though!
Kelly green and so pretty!
I joined the military
to see the world.
Took a class in Arabic.
My first posting was in Egypt.
Since then I've done tours in
Jordan, Lebanon, and the U.A.E.
I've been to Libya, Morocco,
Tunisia, Lebanon, Sacramento
and Kansas city.
I've even been to Iran!
Best house parties, hands down.
The best drugs, women!
Fuck man,
you seriously should go.
I'm impressed, hillbilly.
Well, we're not all dumb
Americans, you should be.
So you're a spy?
You FBI or CIA?
You're high! I'm a hillbilly!
I'm a Cryptologic Linguist.
Hence my ability to read and write Arabic.
So what you're saying is that
you're a redneck nerd?
Basically I just teach them
how to use the equipment.
That's why they stuck me here,
till tomorrow morning
when I leave,
if I'm still alive.
Then it's back to my unit
in Dubai.
The Las Vegas
of the Middle East!
The best hotels,
the hottest women,
the tallest buildings,
but the shittiest drivers
in the world, shit.
What the fuck.
You both know you're cut
from the same cloth, right?
You're cousins!
- What?
You're monkeys, I mean,
you're monkey cousins,
you're basically monkeys
that are cousins
who don't talk no more
because your--
it was your uncle that fucked
his grandmother in the ass
with a hound dog's
gorilla's dick!
What the fuck?!
- I'm just trying to say Arabs
and Jews are cousins
at the end of the day.
What the fuck
are you talking about?
Okay, you stupid people.
You're both circumcised, right?
You eat Kosher, you eat Halal,
they're both the same
kind of shit.
No.
What?
- It's not.
It's pretty close.
Haredi Jews are like
conservative Muslims,
strict and crazy.
[Ari]
You make a good point there.
That's it.
[Beeping]
Check it out!
Are you one of those Facebook freaks
that invites hot chicks to be your friend?
Sand-nigga, please.
Look, I've got a little
surprise for you boys, okay?
Yo Bob, if you're going to show
us your pee-wee again,
I swear to God I'm going to
make a little kebab out of it.
Hey, pee-wee this,
smart-ass, okay?
Now there's something
you need to know about me,
and that is I love to cook!
See, you are gay!
Goddamn it, Baz, listen to me.
I love pussy,
I love my beer, but cooking
is my first love.
So what are you going to cook?
Like Jesus, we're going to have
our Last Supper!
Big Bob is going to be making his uh,
nice piece of beef baby back ribs.
Oh yeah!
And not only that, some mashed
potatoes and coleslaw, too.
Come on, are you serious?
Yep, and you two little sand-
niggas are gonna help me out.
What do we need to do, Hitler?
I need you to peel
some potatoes.
Oh man, how long
is this gonna take?
This bag of weed
will speed things up.
Check it out.
Oof!
Shit, Bob!
Where did you get this
magical green from?
[Singing in
foreign language *]
*
Oof!
That boy just marinated
the brisket.
Oof!
Bob?
- Huh?
Tell me something...
Um, why are you Americans so
stupid and brain washed?
I don't have enough time
to explain it, really.
But smoking a joint a day,
keeps the terrorists away.
'Cause this stuff is going to bring us world peace,
I'm telling you.
Fuck this,
I can't smoke anymore.
I'm fucking dead.
- Pussy.
Hey, did you know that America has been
involved in 67 wars that we know of?
About 250 actions since
World War II?
The American government
has been involved in
and assisted in the overthrowin' of foreign governments.
Cunts!
We get rid of democracy governments because they don't play our game
and put in
our dictator puppets.
I don't even like being
American at times, shit!
You dicks preach democracy then
kick the shit out of some
poor country that doesn't
play by your rules.
*
You're in wonderland!
Let's keep you preoccupied
with reality shows, a house
mortgage, porn, fast food,
and propaganda media while
the government of the West go
and rape a second or third world country for their resources.
Beautiful, isn't it?
Okay, okay, okay...
I'm stoned!
Fuck, I'm stoned
like a motherfucker!
So if you were the President of
the United States of America,
what would you say
to the people?
["Hail to the Chief" plays *]
My fellow Americans.
Now I said there would be
change, and goddamn it,
change has come.
I told you I would go after
those crooked...
politician Wall Street bankers
and I did.
I have pulled our troops from
their overseas postings
and they're back home where they belong protecting the U.S of A.
And we left all that other bullshit to NATO and the United Nations.
And I will not allow the media
to put any more fear
into the American people.
[Applause]
Man!
Listen...
we are gonna start again
from scratch in this country.
We the people come first.
Not the government.
Not the media.
Not the banks.
You the people come first!
I don't care if you're Jewish
or Muslim or Christian
or African-American
or purple or black or gay.
Hell, I don't care.
We have fucked everyone over
for so long
that the whole world hates us.
I'm tired of being called the dumbest country in the world.
So I'm telling you...
to put a smile on your face,
and read a book.
Say hi to somebody, be nice.
And um, last of all,
I want to say
God bless you,
God bless your family,
and last of all,
God bless...
America, please!
God bless the whole world.
[Applause]
That's what I'd say
if I was president.
[Clapping]
Bravo, Bob the Builder.
One thing, Mr. President,
the Nazis running your
immigration department
need to go easy on anyone with
a slight tan and dark beard.
Including the women.
And the rubber glove thing up
the ass, it's just not fair!
Is the food ready yet?
I'm fucking starving.
Twenty minutes.
Hey!
Anyone up for a boxing fight?
Boxing?
Yeah, I like to work up a good
sweat before I have a feast.
Come on Ari, you sad-sack
of camel balls, fight me.
Let's do this, cock-head.
I mean, Mr. President.
Come on, Jew boy, let's go.
Bob, I'm telling you,
this is goddamn stupid.
Imma kick your ass.
- No, this is great!
[Singing "Theme from Rocky" *]
Beat his ass, Bob!
- I just need one.
All right, here we go, ready?
Bob seriously, I don't want
to hurt you.
Oh, Imma beat the shit out of you.
- You boys ready?
Yeah, Let's go.
[Bowl chimes]
Come on!
Bob, now this just made me
angry, motherfucker!
It looked like
a good little hit.
Bob, I'm warning you, man.
Uh...
Yo, Bob!
Bob!
- Bob!
[Oven bell dings]
Hey, grub's up, bitches!
Give me a hand.
[Beeping]
We're gonna eat like we did
in the good old days.
There was a time when the
Arabs, the Jews and Christians
were all friends
and would eat together.
What time is it?
Oh right!
It's Jew-bashing time!
Oh come on,
it's just a fact Ari.
Ask the old people,
it's all there,
you just gotta open your eyes.
Well Bob, the old people
are dead now.
All we have left is just...
bloodshed and hatred.
I've lost seven mates in action
and my cousin was shot
by an Israeli soldier.
Does that mean that
I have to hate you?
You're not the one who
pulled the trigger.
The poor bastard who did,
probably didn't want to be there in the first place.
Well, I don't know how
to forgive so...
Well, it's hard, mate.
Have some shisha.
My two boys are getting along.
That's good, that's good.
Alright, yalla, man!
Lets eat!
Yalla!
So you guys really fucked yourselves on September 11th, huh?
The new bad boys.
[Chuckles]
You certainly do
look the part, too.
The Russians were the bad-asses
in the 70s and 80s,
the North Koreans in the 90s.
Tadaa!
We now hold the baton of love,
hey?
You Arabs think we did it to ourselves to get your oil, right?
I think it was.
Really?
- Really?
You, Mr. Israel?
I just think you Arabs
were too...
dumb to execute
such a perfect plan.
So Baz, if we're talking here...
can you explain to me,
why are Arabs
so damn backwards?
See, the Middle East has been a fucking
bloodbath for thousands of years.
And that includes
my Jewish brothers.
The Ottomans took over most
of the Middle East from...
like the eleventh century,
right through to the end of World War I.
So the people have been repressed for a fucking long time.
They have fought for their
land, for their freedom,
for their individual religions.
Ah, bullshit.
- Ah, no--
After the Great War,
everyone had their fucking
finger in the pie.
The French, the British,
even your crew, Bob.
But you didn't just have
your finger in the pie,
you put your whole fucking fist
in there and your cock!
Not my cock.
When the Brits broke up the
British mandate in Palestine,
they gave the majority of the land to Jordan and a little bit to Israel.
Real little bit.
- Little bit.
But hey, that's when all
the fun began, right?
Well, you bring oil
in the picture...
The powers that be just been playing the Arabs against each other,
that's all.
Well thank you boys, but...
what I really want to ask you,
Baz, is...
what makes a person
blow themselves up?
Well if I was to take a guess,
I'd look at it like this...
You take a man's land,
you blow his house up,
you harass him every single day,
turn off his electricity and water,
voilà, one suicide bomber!
We pulled out of Gaza
back in 2005.
We gave sacrifices man,
they get a chance to vote,
they get a chance
to have their say,
but they still choose
to blow themselves up!
[Inhaling] That's a good point,
good point.
All I'm saying is the people in Israel want to live their lives in peace.
And the Israeli people
are not the government,
they're not the IDF,
and they're not Sephardic or Ashkenazi!
They are citizens.
We have people who want war.
You have people who want war.
But I assure you most of the people in Israel
are just like everywhere else in the world,
we just want peace.
Peace?
[Bob] That's true.
Baz, if you think the people
in Israel don't want peace,
I'm sorry to say you know nothing about this part of the world.
Look, all I do know is that the
Middle East is growing up fast.
Dubai, Abu Dhabi.
Their sheiks
care for their people,
and the people
love their leaders.
The rest of the Middle East needs to take a page out of their book.
[Bob]
They need to steel the book!
Hey!
I-I agree with you.
Yeah...
[Bob] You do agree.
- It's a shocker, right?
[Beeping]
So Bob, you're a connoisseur
of the green shit, huh?
I am a high time loyal fan,
yeah.
What are you on about
anyway, man?
Close your eyes,
I'm about to take you
on a tour.
It's called, "Getting-high-
with-Bob."
Motherfucker.
- Close my eyes?
Close your eyes, man,
it's better when you're high.
It's gonna rock your world.
Ready?
[Honky tonk music *]
[Bob's voice] Think I'm fucking
with you, boy?
I keep the peace with that
green spirit, hippie shit, man.
They say breakfast is the most
important meal of the day,
so make sure you have
your Special J.
Sexy Amsterdam,
there's nothing like sucking it
through a bong.
[Bong bubbling]
This is my man Bob smoking
an African black joint.
It's some gooood shit, man!
My good friend, Lebo AK-47.
[Machine guns firing]
It's a nice view from the top.
Hey, Mr. Hindu-kush
is my best friend!
The Buddha brings peace to one's mind and soul in a crazy city.
Ping-pong, anyone?
[Bong bubbling]
[music ends *]
That was an awesome trip, man.
You boys up for a lil'
Texan fun, huh?
It's called Texan Roulette!
Hey, hey,
there are three rules:
One, you got to take
a shot of Jack.
Two, you got to talk shit
about somebody.
Three, you gotta
put this revolver--
Whoa, put the gun down, Bob.
- Whoa, Baz, whoa!
Drop it.
- It ain't loaded.
It ain't loaded.
Check for yourself.
Shit.
Shit, Bob, where the fuck did
you get that gun from?
I bought it last week off
some crazy orthodox Jew.
I told you there was no rounds
in this son of a bitch.
Come on, Baz,
a bit of Texan Redneck Roulette
can't be that bad, right?
Alright, ladies...
As I'm the only man
around here,
I will go first.
What do you call a good-looking
Arab, huh?
[Yells]
[gun clicks]
Oh, as if.
Your turn, Ari.
Give me that gun, Santa Claus.
Pussy.
The only question's
where's the bullet, right?
Fuck this!
To America!
The most powerful country
in the world and the dumbest,
I want to thank you
for supporting us!
Hope you blow your brains out,
Ari.
Oh that's right,
you don't even got none.
Suck this, hillbilly!
[Yells]
- Do it, pussy! [Gun clicks]
[praying in Hebrew]
Bottle, please.
Gun, please.
My pleasure, my Arabic brother.
Sukran, my Jewish sister.
- [Answers in foreign language]
Pussy.
If I was sober, this would seem
like a really fucking bad idea.
Cunts.
Fuck, come on!
- Give me back my bottle.
The goddamn gun.
To the greatest country
in the world.
God bless...
America.
Shit!
- Fuck!
You alright?
Oh Jesus.
Shit!
- Oh God,
please help me!
I was just trying to break up
the hatred between you two,
now I gone and blown off
the balls, you know?
Now I'm just like Ari.
Alright Bob, I'm going to
take off your pants, okay?
Don't get too excited.
It's all gonna be okay,
you big teddy bear.
Take it the fuck off!
[Laughing]
Man, you should see the looks on your two dumb-ass Jew-Arab faces.
You fell for that
dumb shit you two.
I just can't believe it!
Gonna risk my life over
a stupid fucking game, huh?
Huh?
Hey why you keep staring
at my manhood?
You wanna say "Hi"?
Aw, Bob.
I pulled the old switcharoo!
Dumbass.
Ow! It's bleeding,
you motherfuckers!
It's bleeding for God's sake!
Hey Baz,
give me that bottle, man.
I'm not thirsty, Ari!
I need a Band-Aid and some ice.
You're not thirsty?
- No, no!
Ahhh!
Ah come on Bubba,
we've gotta clean the infected area, my friend.
No it don't hurt really,
it's just my dick.
You spit on my dick,
you prick.
Cheers, mate!
Oh it's bigger!
Do it again.
Bigger than what?
Where's my real gun?
Okay, pussies, we are both...
about to go smoke some of this fine weed that I have created.
This is smooth shit, Bob.
You need to change careers.
Oh, it's in the cards.
We're all gonna die,
so it's confession time.
Confession time?
- Yep.
You're a priest now?
Oh shit!
Shit, it just hit me!
This is good shit, Bob.
What the fuck are you talking
about "good shit"?
This is fucking
perfect shit man!
I've never felt so happy
in my whole goddamn life!
Dear Lord...
as we sit here today
in this shitty little base,
we know our fate
is around the corner.
And I would like to confess
my sins to you tonight.
As a good Christian, I was
brought up to love my own.
But...
I have...
fallen in love.
[Voice cracking] I've fallen in love with a beautiful angel.
She's not Christian.
She's a Muslim.
Okay, I didn't see that one coming.
- Shut the fuck up, Ari!
Sorry Lord, I was just dealing
with one of your chosen people.
My dear Nancy is the great love
of my life.
And if you will let me
live tonight, Lord,
I will marry her.
And I don't care what anybody
says or thinks, I don't care...
about the backlash
from my family and friends.
I will marry her.
And I will be the best goddamn
husband that there ever was.
Amen.
Amen!
Amen.
- [Bob sniffling]
Amen, man!
Who's next?
I'll go...
- Okay.
Cry-baby.
I know.
Dear Lord, God...
Allah...
whatever your name might be.
- Bob!
I don't think
your name's Bob, but...
I want to share a bit about my
life with these two good guys.
As you know...
I'm married to...
[child laughing]
a wonderful woman
by the name of Jewels.
And we have one...
just, just beautiful...
full-of-life little girl
that we named Lisa.
My wife...
is Jewish!
Really?
Now, I have always
believed that...
religion
is a doubled-edge sword.
On the one hand,
it brings faith, hope,
guidance.
And on the other, it brings
hatred to other religions,
old rules that sometimes
don't work in today's world,
and division amongst society.
- [Bob] Ain't that the truth.
So before I die tonight,
I want to thank you for letting me be the kind of person
who loves all and hates all
by their actions,
not their religion.
Oh, and I hope you have fine
Havana cigars in Heaven.
Amen, job done,
over and out, bye-bye!
[Bob] Ari, your turn.
Well, uh...
I grew up
in a very religious house,
you know, we have
strong roots to our land.
So I did my national service, you know,
I went to the Golani Brigade.
And then after my service,
I went to study abroad in London.
And I came back to Israel
with a new look on life.
I was meeting new people,
new cultures, drugs, women...
Hell yeah!
...and uh, then...
my sister was killed...
by a suicide bomber.
In the back of my mind,
I always disliked Arabs.
But ever since then,
it turned into
an all-consuming hatred.
I'm sorry to hear that, Ari.
Yeah, yeah.
- We are not all bad men.
Yeah, you know, but tonight,
you know, like,
talking with you guys,
I may have found some peace.
I know one man's actions
can't reflect an entire race.
I don't know if it's you,
or this clown, here,
or the weed that pulled me out
of this black fucking hole!
Fuck this man,
I'm gonna forgive.
I'm gonna--
I'm gonna move on.
Okay, let's do this.
Let's move on.
Let's move on!
Okay, okay enough of this
hugging shit, alright?!
I got some secret magical weed.
More weed?
Uh huh!
You freak, Bob, you know
you have a problem, right?
It's called "Mother Mary."
Mother Mary?
- [Bob] Yeah.
What's in Mother Mary?
LSD skank and some LSD and some coke.
[All laughing]
Are you nuts?!
Hey, come on, all you pussies!
Let's smoke this bad-ass shit!
Nuts got nothing to do with it.
Whoa! The coke is king.
Go on.
My father is gonna
fucking murder me.
No that soldier is when he
comes through that door.
Fuck, Bob, fuck!
Angels, angels.
- What?
Angels!
Oh, shit!
[Bob babbling]
[Ari] Give me a kiss!
Look at this!
Drink it!
[Bob] It's called a shotgun,
not a bullet.
[Helicopter blades thumping]
[men coughing]
Welcome back
to "The Heavenly View."
I hope you all had a fabulous weekend
and didn't party too hard with Lucifer.
That cheeky bastard sure knows
how to throw a party.
I have a letter here from "smack bang in the middle of conflict town."
Ari and Baz have sent in a few questions for us holy souls to answer.
The first question is from Ari
and it reads:
Why are the chosen people
being persecuted?
Ari, stop your whining.
Each and every
race and religion
at one time or another has been
persecuted by each other
since this
day care center opened.
Yes, you have to stop thinking
"us" and start thinking "we."
That "us" is the source
of all evil.
Exactly, I agree with the tart.
Uh right, so the next question
that we've got,
this one is from "fat-ass Bob."
He wants to know:
"What's with all the fighting
in the Middle East?"
It's a good question, chunky!
Oh my dad! What can I say?
We the people of the Middle East,
we have short tempers.
Ah, fat Bob,
there will be peace in the Middle East in about 35 years or so.
Um, Jews and Arabs will be making babies.
I love the mixed races.
They have that nice
coffee-colored look.
Right, and Baz,
he wants to know:
"Will the powerful governments
of today ever fall?"
Right, what do you think, Tes?
Bitch!
- Cow!
Hey, show some respect.
[Car engine idling]
Sorry, the answer is,
of course, yes.
Duh, nothing lasts forever.
- [Mouthing "sorry"]
[female captain
shouting in Hebrew]
Ma'am...
Name, soldier?
[Sighs]
Private Sanchez, ma'am.
[Mouthing "Private Sanchez"]
Where is the rest
of your uniform?
Uh...
It's over there.
I haven't seen you before.
What is with your pants?
This look like
the Lebanese cam.
Oh no, no uh...
This is what we wear
in Afghanistan.
I just got in this morning.
[Clears throat]
Who has been drinking?
Me, me, sir.
I mean, ma'am.
[Stammering]
It was my birthday.
So I made myself a pie,
a couple of drinks
to go with it--
This is an Israeli
communication center.
We rely on you for information
at a second's notice.
You're having a party!
And you two are sleeping.
- Permission to speak.
[Ari speaking Hebrew]
- Shut the fuck up!
[Radio crackles]
This is Midmin.
I need the military police
down here at once.
Three drunken soldiers
asleep at their post.
I'm not drunk, I'm high.
I know, a disgrace.
Two American soldier.
I wish you wouldn't do this to us.
- [Captain chuckling]
What's so funny?
I'm--
I'm fucking with you!
You should see your faces!
You knobs were
pissing in your pants!
[Bob] I pissed in my pants.
What are you wearing, mate?
Oh you know, some boots,
cowboy boots, my boxers,
my cowboy hat, T-shirt
and a pie.
You didn't call us in?
Fuck that, I've got three
months left of my service
and I'm out of here:
Thailand, here I come bitches.
Hell yeah, whoooo!
[Captain] Lets have some pie.
- Yeah, let's do that.
Well, this is just uh...
Perfect timing.
Let's have some pie.
Pie?
- Yeah, why not pie?
[Birds chirping]
So how's the pie?
It's better than the shit
they serve us on base.
Sanchez...
You like the Arabs?
Well they're people, right?
Human beings.
Bob, you like the Arabs?
Sure, ask Sanchez.
How was Afghanistan?
Five star hotels,
strip clubs at every corner...
A great place
to bring up a family.
L'chaim!
[Altogether]
L'chaim!
Gotta go, boys.
Let's see what those crazy Lebanese are up to.
Listen, Sanchez,
or whoever you are,
we're heading southeast, okay?
I have no idea what you're talking about,
you whining Brit.
A fucking Aussie,
what are the chances of that?
Yeah, what are the chances?
[Snaps fingers]
Well boys...
This seems like a good time to make my move
back across the border like a good soldier.
I hate goodbyes.
Me too.
You're okay for an Arab.
And you're okay for a Jew.
You're both okay.
Okay.
[Music plays over radio *]
[Ari] Are you sure you know
the way this time?
Yep.
- [Bob] Facebook me.
Will do, Bob.
You boys play nice now!
[Ari] What the fuck!
[Speaking Hebrew]
[Ari] We're fucked now, Bob.
[Bob] Oh shit.
Let's just get high, fuck it.
[Bob] I never liked Arabs
to begin with.
[Speaking Arabic]
[men yelling]
Listen, you fucks!
Put your weapons down or I'll
shoot this guy where he stands!
If you don't put your weapons
down, I'll shoot him,
you'll shoot me,
and nobody wants that.
Least of all fucking me!
Put the guns down and move back
20 steps, lets go!
Now I don't want any trouble,
I just wound up in the wrong place at the wrong fucking time!
Now put them down,
take 20 steps back!
[Straining]
Keep going, go on!
Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen,
it's been a pleasure
entertaining you this morning!
[Cursing in Arabic]
Fuck you, motherfucker!
[Phone ringing]
Hello?
- Ha?
Hey, you crazy bastard.
Hey, what's this I hear about
your men killing one of mine?
You killed two of my soldiers,
you asshole!
Listen, listen, my old friend.
You want to go to war,
you just say the word, okay?
You think you are tough
because you have new weapons
and tanks and planes.
Well, you can shove that
all up your ass, you donkey!
[Both laughing]
Donkey ha, that's funny ha,
you're funny, you prick!
Listen to me, what are we going
to do about this mess now?
I got the whole media breathing
down my neck and...
I've got too much on my plate,
you know?
Relax, brother, this is
the problem with democracy,
you have people to answer to,
asshole.
So what's your plan,
penis-face?
We tell the world that both our
soldiers were in the right.
Then we go back and forth like a game of tennis for a month or two,
and let the whole thing
blow over.
Okay, sounds good to me!
Now listen, I'm going
to bed now, dick-licker.
And say hello
to your beautiful wife, okay?
Shave your balls, monkey-ass.
Tell the wife thanks
for the carrot cake.
[Chuckling]
Monkey-ass!
Alright, one for you,
one for me, here we go.
And this one's
for our good friend, Baz.
I wonder where--
- Thanks, fuck-face!
Oh hell no! There he is!
Hit me, Bob! You fat fuck!
You got a beard.
You kissed me with a beard,
You made me feel bad about myself.
- [Ari speaking Arabic]
War's a bitch, man,
but I love it!
You boys ready to do this?
Hell yeah!
I don't know how to swim,
though!
[Bouncy rock music *]