Booty Call (1997) - full transcript

♪ Do that dance

Do that dance, do it ♪

♪ Do that dance

Do that dance ♪

♪ Do that dance

Do that dance, do it ♪

♪ Do that dance

Do that dance ♪

♪ Shake it up, now ♪

♪ Let me be the one ♪

♪ The one that you need ♪



♪ You can call on me ♪

♪ When you wanna party ♪

♪ Let me take you there ♪

♪ Girl, just come with me ♪

♪ To a place where hip-hop used

to be, my baby, yeah ♪

♪ To the hip-hip

The hop it don't stop ♪

♪ To the hip-hip

The hop, it won't quit ♪

♪ To the hip-hip

The hop, it don't stop ♪

♪ Let me see you shakin'

Let me see you breakin' ♪



BUNZ:

I'm from down the way. I ain't

never did this shit before.

Now, how you do it?

You just throw it like that?

Oh! Boo-yeah.

Look like I win.

Man, if you don't get your hands

off my money-- Please?

Yeah, that's the way

you roll.

Roll again, right?

MAN: Yeah. Roll that shit again.

Cool. Gotta put your money

in if you wanna play, now.

Can't win unless you play.

Come on.

You gotta throw it in there.

There we go.

Right? Right? Am I right?

Roll, man.

Oops! Slipped right out

my hand.

MAN:

Aw, man!

Yo, Bunz, we gotta go.

Oh, no. Seriously, man.

His sister's got some

ill will and everything,

and this is goin'

to a good cause.

I'm sorry I gotta go like this.

Hey, look, man.

Next time, if you want

to keep your shit,

you gotta know when to quit.

Let's leave quickly.

Brothers, y'all stay broke.

I mean, uh, stay black.

Hey, you lucky you stopped me

when you did, bro.

I was about to buy a condo

up in Midtown.

Oh, I'm lucky I stopped you

when I did?

I can see myself

explaining to Nikki now.

"Oh, baby, the reason

why we was late,

is because Bunz was

on his knees playin' dice."

Hey, I wasn't just playing.

I was the M.V.P.

You ain't hear

the roar of the crowd?

[IMITATES CHEERING]

Here. I guess you

don't want your cut.

I ain't say all that.

WOMAN: Fuck you, motherfucker!

Get the fuck outta my shit.

'Cause I don't need your ass!

Go back to your skank ho,

'cause she called

and left her fuckin' number,

and I caught your ass

in the act, motherfucker!

Duck feet, big-nosed, pop-eyes,

receding-hairline--

Truth is you can't win.

Truth is you can't win.

Let me see you rise now.

Let me see you rise now,

motherfucker!

Nope! I don't think so!

You ain't got to take that.

Jab back, baby. Jab back. Oh!

Hold up one

motherfuckin' minute!

Goddamn it,

when I need Howard Cosell,

I will call Howard Cosell!

So take your fake-dredded ass,

pick up Mighty Mouse...

and skippity-do your rank,

Scoobidy-Doo ass home,

motherfucker. Take that.

BUNZ: Better run, man!

Got a greyhound on your back!

See? That's what

I'm talkin' about.

That's why I don't like

relationships.

That's why I strictly deal

with booty calls.

3:00 a.m.'s.

No questions asked.

Speakin' of that,

I don't want to do this

blind-date thing. All right?

I'm gonna go ahead

let you do your thing,

but I'm gonna go back

and try to win me some money.

Hey, you can do what

you want, Bunz, okay?

But this girl is fine.

Mrs. Butterworth fine.

It's up to you.

Yeah, well,

Mrs. Butterworth give me gas.

Rushon, define "fine."

What does the girl look like?

'Cause I ain't gonna be

sittin' at the table

with no hamhock-eatin'

wildebeest.

I got a reputation,

you know?

I try to keep

my little game tight.

Yeah, well, what about

that fruit bat

you left the party with

the other night?

Oh, yeah. You know, I was

gonna tell you about that.

I think old girl

put somethin' in my drink, man.

I'm serious, 'cause you know

I wouldn't go out like that.

Come on, man.

The girl had a beard.

She did not have a beard.

She had a beard!

She had a hair--

She did not have a beard.

She had a goatee.

But it was real nice and thin...

If your girl ain't Chinese,

then why the hell she live

way down here in Chinatown?

RUSHON:

Hey, man. This is

a good neighborhood.

She got a nice apartment,

and her girlfriend live

across the hall.

BUNZ:

Oh, I see what you're doin'.

The girlfriend is Chinese.

You thought I'd be upset.

I ain't trippin' that.

I don't mind havin' a little

Rice Krispies on my plate.

That mean she knows how to

pan fry this noodle, you know?

She's not Chinese, Bunz.

Then what's goin' on?

Watch yourself.

Hey, I don't care

if she Chinese or not.

She can still snuggle up

on these egg rolls, you know?

And they low in fat.

See, that's the reason I never

take your ass nowhere.

Now, you know you take me

everywhere you go.

Look, if I was a girl,

we'd be datin' right now.

So Rushon's friend

is cute, right?

Oh, he's cute enough.

No, no, no.

You said he was cute.

Lystie, I'm not askin' you

to have the man's baby.

I'm just askin' you to run

a little interference for me.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Okay.

But he does have

class though, right?

'Cause you know I do not

mess with anyone

that does not have class.

Trust me. He is in a class

all by hisself.

Yo, man. What kinda name

is "Lystie" anyway?

It's short for "Lysterine."

Lysterine?

That's a motherfuckin'

mouthwash, man.

What's up with these

whack-ass names?

I went out with this girl,

her name was Gonor-rhea, right?

But she spelled the shit

like "gonorrhea."

I can't put that

on no postcard.

It's Lysterine with a "Y",

not an "I".

Oh! That makes all the

difference in the world, Rushon.

Look, that's not the point.

The point is

you doing this for me.

Right, right, right.

Now, I been goin' out with Nikki

for seven weeks--

Seven weeks?

Seven weeks and you ain't

hit that ass yet?

Hey, man, I like her.

Oh. "I like her."

Nikki, why are you

taking so long?

I can't go out like this.

Here we go. Like what?

My cleavage is hangin' out.

Cleavage?

I don't want to send out the

wrong signal. What do you think?

I think that anyone that's

put up with you for seven weeks

deserves some nay-nay.

Oh, really?

Nikki.

Why are you makin' Rushon

wait so long?

He seems like

he's a good man.

He's got a career.

He treats you nice.

I know. I--

I just want to make sure

that he's the right one.

Just don't leave me

alone with him.

Mmm. Sounds like he's not

the only one

feelin' the seven-week itch.

[BOTH LAUGH]

It is not even like that.

Well, you better watch

that smile of his.

Can we please go?

All right.

BUNZ:

You know, this is how

I peep the situation.

Excuse me, Bruce Lee. I think

college got you too sensitive.

Sensitive?

Yeah, I mean,

'cause you ain't got

no player left in you.

I wouldn't let the sun rise

over the East River

without taggin'

that ass tonight.

'Cause if it was me,

I'd have that ass bouncin'

like a low rider

in a Dr. Dre video.

I say, "Miss Nikki,

tonight is the night.

It's a one-time offer."

She want to give it

to you tomorrow, you say,

"Hey, can't do that.

Tomorrow's too late."

It's not that simple.

You right.

It's not simple for

somebody who's, uh, slippin'.

Could you put me in the

players' section, please?

Hey, Bunz,

I'm not slippin'.

You slippin'

like a mo'fucker.

Look, Nikki and I are going

to do our thing tonight.

She knows it,

and I know it.

Of course. I don't know

why I disrespected you.

But, uh, listen.

You're a gambling man.

Why don't you put your money

where your mack is?

I'm not gonna bet money

on somethin' like that.

We don't have

to bet money.

Let's just make it

a gentlemen's bet.

We're gentlemen, right?

You not gonna

let this go?

Come on, big daddy, big player,

big pimp, big baller.

[SIGHS]

There you go. That's my boy.

You go the fuck on.

Oh, he's celebrating

his bar mitzvah.

You know, he just got

circumcised and everything.

Go on with your food.

I never did learn

how to do this...

Oh! Rushon.

It's so good to see you

this evening.

And who is your friend?

Hello. My name is Chan,

and I'm here

to serve you tonight.

[GIGGLES]

Hey! Bro. Rushon?

Chan, we're waiting

on our dinner guests.

Mmm, I think your hair

is three things:

fab-u-lous.

[LAUGHS]

Well, I got

three things for you:

Back up, Yoko Ono.

Oh, nigga, please.

Man.

They're here.

All right, Bunz, look,

these girls got a lot

of class, all right?

So act like you got

a little bit of sense.

Like you got a mama.

Like you wasn't mixed up

in some test tube.

I just think we should move

to a table with better light.

What's wrong with the light

we got here?

No, I'm tired of hookin' up

with ladies under muted light.

I need to get a good look.

Because anybody can

look good in dim light.

How many times you go to a club

and under the disco lights

the girl look good

as a motherfucker?

You giggin' and havin'

a good time.

But the next day,

you go to pick her up.

You all happy and shit,

but it's high noon.

She comes out the house,

and a fuckin' sea donkey

climbs into your car.

All I'm sayin' is I believe

in a brother's right

to know what the hell

he's feedin'--

Man, just get up.

Lysterine, this is

Rushon's friend, Bunz.

Hey, now. I was thinkin'

that, uh-- Damn.

Excuse us.

What do you think

you are doing?

Did you see that

tarantula hair, fool?

Motherfucker looked

like Predator.

It's just dinner.

Some egg rolls,

a little mu shu, and we out.

Girl, why are you trippin?

She don't look like

she want my shit, man.

Nah, man, she's on you.

She's just a little nervous.

It's a blind date, right?

Right. Right.

Everybody's got a weakness.

Who knows? You and Bunz

just might hit it off.

"Bunz"?

You blind-date me with a little

hood rat named "Bunz"?

Girl, have you lost

your mind? No.

I can't get with

a brother named Bunz.

No, but it's Bunz

with a "Z," not an "S."

You know--

[HUFFS BREATH]

You never can be too,

you know, too ready.

Just do this

for me, please?

You owe me.

Big time.

Now, let's roll.

[MAKING BEAT BOX SOUNDS]

♪ Ladies, you look good ♪

So, uh, whassup?

Nothing.

Are we ready to order?

Uh, as a matter of fact, I am.

I want the shrimp fried rice.

Uh, make that two, please.

Perfect. I will have the prawns

in garlic sauce.

Mmm.

And you, Miss Thing?

[LAUGHS]

Excuse me?

Yeah, you got her

with the Miss Thing. Give it up.

You eating

or just looking?

Okay, boyfriend.

I want a lobster tail

in butter-wine sauce,

and we girls want

a bottle of Moet.

Damn, girl.

Why you gotta order the most

expensive shit on the menu?

Rushon, you need

to check your boy.

Check, my ass.

That's what

I'm talkin about, is a check.

Now, the lobster don't even

have a price next to it.

It just says "seasonal."

So you know what that means.

A brother gotta pay $28.

And hey, if I get you

some lobster and some Moet,

you know what's

happenin' after that.

No. What does happen?

I'm goin' deep-sea divin'.

[CHUCKLES]

Bunz, this is

a platinum card.

I could buy and sell your ashy,

black, blue-collared ass.

Is that right?

Yes, it is.

Well, lookie here.

W-What is that?

It's a gold gas card.

Yeah. That means I can

buy all the gas I want.

In all 50 states

and 11 foreign countries.

And I got platinum

privileges too,

'cause if you buy

enough gas,

they give you

coffee mugs and stuff.

Bunz, why you got a gas card?

You don't even got a car.

Yo, man, why you put me

on Front Street, man?

I'll have you to know

that I laid away

a '68 Chevy Super Sport,

with a 427 cubic-inch

twin cam

with a Hurst gear shifter.

Ooh, sounds like a man

who has some serious doubts

about his manhood.

Those cars are nothing

but extensions of your penis,

or lack thereof.

Yeah. You know what?

You right, 'cause my dick

is only two inches...

from the ground.

Isn't he grand?

BUNZ:

Can't get a brother's

order straight.

Look here, I ordered

shrimp fried rice.

Can I get some shrimp?

Oh, there is

one shrimp there.

And another shrimp here.

See, what's with all

the green leafy stuff?

You tryin' to fool a brother

with all the shrubbery.

Child!

That's garnishment.

Make your food look good.

[GIGGLES]

What would make my food

look good is five extra shrimp.

Oh. I thought there was

no smoking in this restaurant.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I'll take care of this.

Bunz. Sit down.

That's the notorious Ug Lee,

the godfather

of the Leuang Triad.

He runs Chinatown.

Yeah, I know.

I got all his albums.

I'll tell him you said

"What's up?"

But, wha--

[SPEAKS CHINESE]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SPEAKS CHINESE]

I know you impressed.

You probably thought I was

some old common hood rat, huh?

[SPEAKS CHINESE]

RUSHON:

Bunz, I didn't know

you spoke Chinese.

Well, it wasn't like I could

speak it to your ass.

So where'd you learn?

Watching kung fu movies.

Me and my father, we always

watched kung fu movies.

But they got subtitles.

Yeah. Well, our TV didn't have

a vertical hold.

So what I'd do is I'd get

the kung fu videos

and listen to 'em,

and then bit by bit,

I started understandin'

them motherfuckers.

Like one time I went down

to the Chinese laundry, right?

And that shit that sound like

"ping-tang pang-tang ping-pang"

started makin' sense

to a brother.

So why didn't y'all

just buy a new television?

Well, everybody ain't got

no platinum card.

You know, they is some

po' folk out in the world.

How's your shrimp, baby?

He ain't got no shrimp

over there.

Oh. Here's one.

You can have it, baby.

Oh.

Oh, my goodness. You whipped.

That boy is whipped.

You know what? You need

to pay attention and learn.

All he did was gave you

a ol' crusty-ass shrimp.

There's that hood rat

emerging again.

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

[SPEAKS CHINESE]

[SHOUTING IN CHINESE]

No fighting in restaurant.

Cost you extra

to fight in restaurant.

[BOTH SHOUT IN CHINESE]

Fuck me?

[CHAN SHOUTS IN CHINESE]

BOTH:

My mother?

[SHOUTING IN CHINESE]

Suck these fortune cookie

nuts and--

You are a horse-mouth

bitch motherfucker.

I will stick my elbow

sideways up in your ass.

You punk-ass

motherfucker.

Where are you going?

♪ Let me see you squirrel ♪

♪ Let me see you squirrel ♪

♪ Let me see you squirrel ♪

♪ Let me see you squirrel ♪

♪ We gotta ♪

♪ Everybody in the house

Can you lend me your ear ♪

♪ Get your squirrel, baby girl

Come in crystal clear ♪

♪ Baby, show me everything

That you got ♪

♪ Fellas, do the same

Just to keep the ladies ♪

♪ Locked down

Boogie down to the sound ♪

♪ Everybody swing

To the side ♪

♪ Squirrel comin' to you

Fit to keep the party live ♪

♪ My peoples out here

Representin' ♪

♪ Keep it right there

Baby girl ♪

♪ 'Cause I like a little fur

On my kitten ♪

♪ All my nigga

Get shot out ♪

♪ We gon' bone, 'cause

The rhythm just pickin up ♪

♪ Hittin' up

Throat drop ♪

♪ Put somethin' in your cup

Down that sucka ♪

♪ So we can get back

Into the vibe ♪

♪ So we can rock

This mo'fucker all night ♪

♪ Let me rock

And make it smooth ♪

♪ The way your body move ♪

Hold this for me, baby.

♪ So now you in the mood

Who can do the best ♪

♪ You got my attention

Watch my eyes undress ♪

♪ The whole concept

I'm 'bout a-breaks the mold ♪

[LAUGHS]

Bring it. Send it.

You all that, now?

That ain't nothin'

but some old beginner's luck.

Beginner's luck? Here's a little

cleavage for mommy.

Thank you.

Cleavage? She needs a whole--

Well, anyway--

See, that's why you losing.

Yeah, I'm losin',

but I ain't lost.

[HIP-HOP PLAYING

OVER SPEAKERS]

♪ I'm just a bachelor ♪

♪ Lookin' for a partner ♪

♪ Someone who knows

How to ride ♪

♪ Without even fallin' off ♪

♪ Gotta be compatible ♪

So nice. So sweet.

Give it up, nigga.

I'm in the money. What?

We in the money.

Got more cleavage,

right here, huh?

♪ Jump on it

Let's do it ♪

Beginner's luck, huh?

Shit happens.

♪ Get a hit on my pager

Two o'clock in the mornin' ♪

♪ Dial the number, half dawnin'

Outside it's stormin' ♪

♪ It's some chick sayin'

She wanna see a brother now ♪

♪ Later hit the plah-dow

Now, let me see how ♪

♪ We gonna do this

'Cause you know ♪

♪ I ain't new

To this young-pal stage ♪

♪ You that freak from that club

A week ago, she said ♪

♪ Maybe I am, son

Maybe I'm not ♪

♪ But either way

You're new at the game ♪

♪ Don't blame it

On sunshine ♪

♪ Yo, it's only

A booty call ♪

♪ Don't blame it

On moonlight ♪

♪ It's just a booty call ♪

♪ Blame it on the boogie ♪

♪ Don't blame it on sunshine ♪

♪ Yo, it's only a booty call ♪

♪ Don't blame it on moonlight ♪

♪ It's just a booty call ♪

♪ Don't blame it on a good time

Blame it on the boogie ♪

♪ Girl, you got me trippin' ♪

♪ About to order

What you sippin' ♪

♪ Drop some rhythm

You feelin' what I'm kickin' ♪

♪ Reminiscin' when I'm seein'

You I have to get between you ♪

♪ You and your girl jumpin' out

The cherry red Beemer ♪

♪ Ass on black

Diggin' deep in they stash ♪

♪ Runnin' up fast, they better

Slow down before they crack ♪

♪ Play the low

Fuck the ball incognito ♪

♪ But game with my people

You know how we go ♪

♪ I bring my swing to the ring

Like I'm a king ♪

♪ And all that drama

You bring, fool ♪

♪ Well, it's a small thing

You wanna get laid ♪

♪ I peep a stare in your face ♪

♪ Right about now

It was only a booty call ♪

♪ Don't blame it on sunshine

Don't blame it on moonlight ♪

♪ It's just a booty call ♪

♪ Don't blame it

On a good night ♪

♪ Blame it on the boogie ♪

♪ Don't blame it

On the sunshine ♪

♪ Don't blame it on moonlight ♪

♪ It's just a booty call ♪

It's a little messy

in here.

Girl, don't even worry

about it.

We 'bout to get real messy.

You ready to handle

your business?

I'm-a do my thing, baby.

Here we go.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Excuse me, but where do you two

think you're goin'?

I thought I'd put on

some mood music

so we could dance a little,

Nikki.

Rushon, I think you have done

enough dancin' for tonight.

Nikki, come on.

You got the ambience here.

You know how we do it,

girl.

Look, the only reason

why we came up here

is to play some cards.

After that, you two

are goin' home.

[GROWLING]

BUNZ: Dog, if you don't get--

What is this?

Hey, I'm gon'

kick your ass.

[DOG GROWLS AND BARKS]

Um, leave Killa alone.

He does live here,

and you are visiting, Bunz.

Well, if we was

really in China,

I'd have his ass

honey-roasted.

Play, Nikki.

Ha!

[LAUGHS]

Somebody cheatin', all right?

Something's goin' on.

I wish somethin'

was goin' on.

Y'all just mad

'cause you losin'.

I heard that, Rushon.

Uh-oh.

Caught you slippin' again.

[SNICKERS]

Oh, that's funny to y'all?

A guy go out with a girl seven

weeks and don't get no intimacy,

and that's funny to y'all?

Maybe the girl wants a more

profound relationship.

Maybe she's not interested

in having casual sex.

Maybe the girl wants

a deeper commitment.

Maybe the girl wants

a soul mate.

Maybe the girl's got

some soul-searchin' to do.

Maybe the girl got a brother

with 9 inches of ding-dong

knockin' the bottom

out yo' ass.

Shut up!

Shut up!

I'm just sayin',

I think it's

a legitimate question.

If I was goin' out

with a girl for seven weeks,

you know what

she'd be doin'?

She'd be playin' the meat flute.

Ridin' the baloney pony.

Eatin' on some tube steak,

but you gotta work a little bit

for the gravy.

Can I get some?

[FART NOISE]

'Scuse me.

Thank you so much

for sharing that with us.

I been tryin' to share this big

paloosa with you all night,

but you--

[YAWNS]

Oh, boy. Am I getting tired.

Ain't you tired, Bunz?

You know what?

I'm gettin' tired myself.

It is gettin'

a little late, though.

Lystie.

Nikki. It is gettin' late.

[YAWNING]

Well, since y'all are tired,

and we definitely tired,

y'all go ahead and we'll

find somethin' to do.

No, let's still play cards.

Ain't nobody goin' nowhere.

So, Lystie?

What?

Can I ask you

a hypothetical question?

Have you ever made

a brother wait seven weeks

to get up on that thing?

Why are you askin' her?

She ain't never made

a man wait 30 minutes.

[SNIFFS]

[IN ENGLISH ACCENT]

Do I smell a whore?

No, no, no, no, no. See, I have

full confidence in my sexuality,

and I don't toil over it,

unlike some prudes I know.

Prude?

Prude.

Ha! Oh, see,

I am nobody's prude.

I just don't want

to rush into having sex.

See, that may be hard

for you to understand.

Oh, really? Well, you might

be able to understand that

if you cleared away

some of those cobwebs

from your cootchie, mommy.

Cootchie cobwebs?

[IMITATING CAT MEWLING

AND HISSING]

Why don't we just

deal here?

Don't stop 'em now.

I wanna see 'em box.

Let's get ready

to rumble!

So, what's up?

Y'all ready for another one?

I'd rather be shopping.

Well, where is the love

in this room?

Aw, I got plenty of love.

I just can't seem to get to it.

[LAUGHS]

Do you ever stop?

No. Don't never stop.

Oh, really?

Really.

[♪♪]

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

♪ Remember when I used to ♪

♪ Love them ♪

♪ And leave them ♪

♪ That's what I used to do ♪

♪ Usin' and abusin' ♪

♪ 'Til I laid eyes on you ♪

♪ It was pain ♪

[MOANS]

♪ Before pleasure ♪

♪ That was my claim to fame ♪

[CLEARS THROAT]

NIKKI:

So, are we gonna play

some cards or what?

♪ I was cold as ice ♪

Oh, yeah.

♪ Long ago ♪

♪ Baby, baby ♪

♪ I wasn't very, very very nice

You know ♪

Aw, girl.

Your feet

are kinda strong,

but the softest feet

in the world.

Ew!

Ew, man!

Man, if you don't get them big,

jungle-rot,

alligator feet

off mine, man.

You can snatch

a salmon goin' upstream

with them eagle's claws.

Big, old cheese knots

and balls all on--

Damn. Somethin' winked at me.

RUSHON:

Like you been playin' soccer

with a pack of wild wolves.

Get your feet off me, man.

Look like monkey hands.

[♪♪]

Ooh.

Well.

♪ That's what I used to do ♪

Ooh.

♪ It's all right ♪

Oh, Bunz.

Ooh.

Suck it. Oh, yes.

Oh-- Oh.

You gonna play

with a brother's ass, now.

Oh, my God.

You the M.V.P.

A little lower.

Hit me on the "'taint."

It 'taint the ass

and it 'taint the lip.

Man, you talk about

toe jam.

[EXHALES]

Let me get my head

together, now.

[GROANING AND PANTING]

I'm 'bout to cramp up.

Got a little cramp in the leg.

Uh, you got any napkins?

You know, I think I left

my gas on on my stove.

Bunz, do you know how

to work a pilot?

Yeah.

But, Lystie, your stove's

not even hooked up yet.

You know what?

And speakin' of remodeling,

I've got some paint samples

that I need to mix.

Do you think

you can assist me?

I sure the fuck could, girl.

That's my shit. Let's go.

But whoa. Hold up.

Wha-What? Excuse me.

Where you guys think

you're goin'?

Nikki, we are gonna head on out.

But you can't.

You ain't even played

your hand yet.

We just did.

We just did.

Ciao.

Lystie, wait a minute.

Wait, wait, wait.

Woman, mind yo' business.

No. Wait a second.

Oh, God. I know

you gonna like this.

[PANTING AND MOANING]

Give me your stuff.

[GRUNTS]

Oh, yes!

Oh, baby, all you got to do

is tell me how you like it.

Oh, no. baby,

you might think I'm freaky.

I don't think you freaky.

I don't think you freaky.

Okay. It turns me on

when a man can do impressions.

Imitations.

Imitations?

Imitations.

Yeah, like, powerful men.

Men of authority.

Men like, uh,

Jesse Jackson.

Jesse Jackson?

Yes! Do Jesse.

You mean, "The hands

that used to pick cotton

can now pick the president"?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, shit.

TV NARRATOR:

The rhinoceros,

though not as prolific

as others

in the animal kingdom,

is nonetheless

as enthusiastic.

Watch as the 4,000-pound beast

rises to the occasion.

Wax that 4,000-pound ass.

[DOG BARKS]

Look--

Killa. Killa, stop that.

No.

[BARKS]

Oh, that's all right.

He's only human, right?

Now, how come you didn't

pet Killa when Bunz was here?

I think he's a bad influence

on you. I do.

[AS JESSE JACKSON]

Just let me say

that the ass is round.

Ooh.

And you know that I'm down.

Bipartisan.

[MOANS]

And we can work it

to the ground.

Oh, yes!

And when I hit the skins,

we can both join together,

and say, "I am somebody."

I am somebody.

"I am somebody."

I am somebody!

Say it loud.

"I am somebody."

I am somebody!

Hallelujah.

Somebody!

Smack my ass.

Hallelujah!

Do you know

how sweet you are?

How nice you are?

Then your boys

come around and it's like,

"What's up, nigga?"

Now who you checkin' for?

Me or Bunz?

Hmm?

You.

[AS MIKE TYSON]

I'm the heavyweight

boxing champion.

Yes, Mike! Yes, Mike!

I don't care what people say.

You know it's just ludicrous

how soft your skin is.

Oh, it's soft for you,

my baby.

It reminds me of the leather on

the first pair of gloves I had.

Oh, yes! Work it.

It makes me want to work out.

Oh, work it, Mike!

Work it, Mike!

Just work it.

I'm just so vicious.

Ooh! Oh, work it!

Oh, yes, Mikey!

Work it! Work it!

Work it! Work it! Aah!

[BOTH MOANING]

Wait.

What? What? What? What?

Rushon, do you

have a condom?

Because I want this. I just

don't want to die for it.

A condom?

Yes.

Yeah. I got a condom

right in the coat.

All right? I'll get the condom.

Okay. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Got a condom right here.

Right here. Just like I said.

Huh? Ha-ha!

There you go.

Safe sex. Here we go, girl.

I'm gonna do my thing. Ha-ha!

[BARKS]

Wait right there.

Stop. Stay. Heel.

[BARKS]

Come here.

Come here, baby.

Come here.

[MOANING]

Oh, yes.

[AS BILL COSBY]

I would like to take my time

while I'm knockin'

the boots.

Dah...

Go, Bill.

[DOG BARKING]

Killa, get your little ass--

First, I start

with the "breastesses,"

because the nipples

are so chocolaty and smooth.

You little rat. Come here.

And then I work my way

on down to the love triangle.

Yes.

You know you like it.

First, I start kissin' it,

and I'm lickin' it,

because I'm thinkin'

'bout stickin' it.

And then when I get through,

it'll be smooth and creamy,

just like the Jell-O pudding.

Ooh.

Get your ass off--

Gimme this goddamned condom,

you little--

NIKKI: Rushon!

[BARKS]

[PANTING]

Ah. There you go.

[DOG GROWLING]

You know a dog's mouth

is cleaner than a human's.

Rushon.

You thought I'd use this on you

after it's been

in a dog's mouth?

Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna go ahead

and get me another one.

Hey. Don't be kickin'

my dog.

Ooh, you go, Bill.

Have your little

somethin'-somethin' and a smile.

[AS FAT ALBERT]

Hey, hey, hey.

Ooh. Oh, yes, Bill.

Feel it. Aw, yes.

Hey, Bunz.

You got any condoms?

BUNZ [AS CAPTAIN KIRK]:

Stardate: 2102.

I'm without

contraceptives,

so please leave me

the fuck alone.

Damn.

[CHUCKLES]

So she was really over there

doin' it with Bunz?

Sound more to me like

Bill Cosby up in there.

You hear me?

Lysterine always

has been a little kinky.

I'm 'bout to call her.

No, you ain't, girl.

Come on.

What are you doin'?

Let the boy

do what he do.

Mm-hmm, and I'm gonna do

what I do.

[RINGING]

BUNZ: Shit is throwin' me off.

Hold on.

Let me listen.

[AS MARTIN LUTHER KING]

Longevity has its place.

I may not get to

the mountaintop with you,

but I want you to know

that I have a dream.

Oh, I have a dream too.

I have a dream that one day

every valley shall be explored.

Explore!

Every hill and every mountain

shall be fondled.

I have a dream that all

the rough places

will be laid smooth, and all the

crooked places laid straight.

Lay it straight!

Then I can look down upon

that beautiful woman and say--

What you gonna say?

I'll wax that ass.

I'll wax that ass.

Good Lord, have mercy.

I'll wax that ass.

Say it, brother!

Ooh, I'm-a go bananas

up in that rump shaker.

Lystie, what are you

over there doing?

Oh!

Nikki, uh... nothin'.

Nothin', my ass. She--

I know that you are not

over there

having unprotected sex

with Martin Luther King.

Unsafe sex can be deadly.

You know that.

Well, Nik, Dr. King's

about to rock my world.

Girl, have you lost

your mind?

You don't know Bunz. You don't

know where he came from.

You don't know that boy

from a can of paint.

Girl, you better go

get you a condom.

Nikki.

Lystie.

You take a hard look

at Bunz

and tell me that

you don't need a condom.

Bunz, I got nothin'

to do with this--

What the problem is?

We gon' do this or what?

Hey, look, Bunz.

I'm sorry.

Hey, hey, don't even

worry about it.

Let's just go get

the condoms.

[LAUGHING]

No, it is not what you think.

Yes, it is. Nikki's about

to get her groove on.

No, no, no, no, no.

See, I told him

he can go to the store,

pick up some condoms

and that's it.

RUSHON:

Let's just do what we got

to do tonight, all right?

BUNZ:

I was doin' what I had to do.

I don't know about you,

but I was doin'

everything I had to do

to get what I

needed to do done.

Wait. You gonna give the brother

the keys to the car

and not let him drive

that thing? What?

Now, why are you askin'

all of these questions,

Miss All-Up-In-My-Business?

What are you

gonna be doin'?

Would you really like to know

what I'm gon' be doin'?

Oh, God. I don't

even want to know.

No. Since you asked,

I feel I should be at liberty

to share it with you.

First, I've got some toys,

and then I've got some ice.

Some ice?

Oh, yeah, girl. I love ice.

I'm gon' start at his toes

and just get them to, like--

[DOOR CHIMES TINKLING]

No, no. We close.

Yo, yo, man. We just want

some condoms.

No condom for Yoyo!

Yoyo, come here!

BUNZ:

Damn.

[LAUGHS]

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

He's saying "Yo,"

like, "Yo, man."

He's not calling my name.

[LAUGHS]

Ah! No Yoyo-- Yo, yo.

I understand.

Yo, later on, I get to dip

that soy sauce.

Is that cool?

[SHOUTING IN CHINESE]

Come on, man.

We got the girls waiting for us

back at the crib, man.

Girl! Girl!

I have just what you need.

Very special.

Very rare.

Tiger penis.

Make you strong

in all the right places.

Look, I'm already the king

of the jungle, you know?

Just give us the best

condoms you got.

Fine, fine.

Lambskin.

Very sensitive.

Twelve-pack.

Leave some feeling

for your jimmy.

Only 38 dollar.

Thirty-eight dollars?

Look, man. I ain't got 12 dicks

to put that on.

I just need one or two.

No. Can't break box.

Only have 12-pack.

Twelve condom not much

for king of the jungle.

Yeah, but you tryin'

to break my pockets, G.

Gi my cousin. I am Chiu.

You want skins or what?

Yo, man, if you get those,

you better hit some Nikki skins.

That's what I'm sayin'.

Hey, what other choice

have we got?

Well, you know, like me,

I just put the tip in.

Hey, you might not

be puttin' nothin' in.

Hey, tonight,

before the sun rises.

Hey, look,

all I need is one.

I just wash it out

and use it again.

Recycle, baby.

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

I'm back.

Nikki.

Yeah. Champagne.

Ha-ha! "Open me."

I can do that.

Well, at least

I think I can. Get your--

Hi.

RUSHON:

Whoa!

Just got a little excited.

Maybe I should put

this thing on ice, huh?

Put it on ice.

Do that too.

Mm-hmm.

[BOTH MOAN]

Ouch.

What's wrong?

Damned cardboard

is stickin' me.

Condoms.

Condoms.

Safe way to go, huh?

[MOANING]

What kind of condoms

are these?

Condom condoms, babe.

Rushon, these are lambskin.

Don't you listen

to the Surgeon General?

Lambskin condoms

don't protect you

against the transmission

of the HIV virus.

Baby, I'm government-tested

Grade "A." Clear as a bell.

Don't even go there.

Yeah, but--

Rushon, just go to the store

and get some latex.

Okay? Please?

Latex.

Lay-tex.

[SIGHS]

Goddamn sheep.

Whip they little wooly,

lamb-chop ass.

Whoa, whoa. Where you goin'?

I was gonna put some clothes

on and take Killa for a walk.

I'll take Killa for a walk.

Okay?

Okay.

I mean, we supposed to be

bondin' anyway, right?

Man's best friend, right?

You just stay put

with yo' fine self.

[GIGGLES]

What you got there?

I'll be back. Okay?

Okay.

Don't you go nowhere.

Bunz! The condoms

we got are no good, man.

I'm goin' back to Mr. Chiu's.

They're lambskin.

[IMITATING SHEEP BLEATING]

[BOTH LAUGH]

[DOG BARKS]

What am I doin'?

Hey, have a good time, man.

BOTH:

We will!

Bye, Rushon.

[MOANING]

[BARKING]

[PHONE RINGING]

Ooh, let me go see, see.

Let me see who that is.

It might be important.

Wait, hold on, now.

Hello?

Hey, Nik. Yeah.

All right.

He'll be right out.

I'm not going anywhere.

You hear me?

We spent $38 on those condoms.

I been out once.

I don't want

to go out again, all right?

I-I-I'm hot. I'm bothered.

I might hurt somebody.

Not you, 'cause I don't

hit women,

but I'm tellin' you--

Relax. Look.

I am gonna turn you

every which way but loose...

That's what

I'm talkin' 'bout.

...after you buy

a latex condom, okay?

All right. Okay.

Good.

But when I come back here,

we doin' this.

Oh, yeah!

Not "oh, yeah."

We doin' this,

do you understand?

I don't want to hear

no phone.

I don't care if the Avon lady

is at the door.

I will bust the Avon lady's ass

unless she got some condoms.

All right?

Why don't, uh, we just

wait on the Avon lady?

Go!

It's so dark outside.

Can you believe this?

I bet he back there

with Yoyo

paintin' stripes

on that tiger penis

when she need

to be hangin'

with this

big ol' jungle snake.

Bunz, what we gonna do now, man?

What we gonna do?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Brother, what you gonna do,

'cause I had mine goin' on.

And if this dog don't quit

sniffin' on my boots,

I'm gon' show you the true

meanin' of "doggie style".

[BARKING]

[MEWLS]

Come on over here, man.

Quit playin'.

[DOOR CHIMES JINGLE]

Rushon! Oh, my God.

My man main.

Singh, my nigga.

Shouldn't you be

on 125th Street?

No. I'm a floater.

I work Harlem, Chinatown,

Hunt's Point, Coney Island,

Red Hook, Hell's Kitchen.

I don't give a shit.

I'm a floater.

No dogs allowed,

my friend.

Oh, my brother,

that's a seeing-eye dog.

Well, see his nasty, little

rodent ass out to the curb.

He's got a point,

my friend.

So you been lookin'

at the dog's ass?

He's got a point too.

One to one.

What? What?

I'm on your side.

You started this shit.

Hey, y'all got kerosene?

Aisle two.

Aisle three.

You move the kerosene, you got

to tell me when you move things.

I have to tell you everything?

I'd like to fuck the dog.

Do I have to tell you that too?

Way too much information.

[BARKS]

[DOOR CHIME JINGLES]

Okay, Singh, I need

some latex condoms, okay?

They got to be latex.

Hey, Mr. Black Man.

I can't see you.

Come to the front.

Rushon, You came

to the right place.

We have Ginza,

Sheik, Hot Tamale.

Booty Call, Back Door Man,

Manhandlers.

Ramrod, Lube Job,

In Deep.

Joy Trail, Buck Wild

and Goodyear Eagles.

Oh, snap. Goodyear

got a condom too?

Non-skid, maxi-tread.

Just give me the Sheik.

No offense.

Yeah, let me get the same

thing he's got.

Also, some of those

Back Doors.

Oh, my God.

I don't think you want them.

They are for gay men.

Don't wanna go there.

I don't know.

You could be a bit

of a doo-doo chaser.

You know, a sodomite,

with hair like that.

Oh, no. Hell, no.

Y'all got me fucked up.

I like the fuzzy stuff,

don't get me wrong.

My hair is a statement

of my individuality.

Like I said-- a sodomite.

Or sodom-maybe.

Ha-ha! Very good. High-two.

Oh, yeah. High-two.

[LAUGHS]

Where your condoms, man?

Over there.

And I'm watching you.

Mind your business.

Yo, what's a sodomite, anyway?

You don't want to know.

'Cause, you know, I thought

he was sayin' was like

Dolemite's cousin

or somethin'.

And that way that's--

Damn. I forgot Killa.

Shit! Hold.

[KISSING SOUNDS]

Shh! Killa.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

[BARKS]

Come here, baby.

Killa.

[WHIMPERS]

RUSHON: Shh.

No. You gotta be firm

with them. Heel!

[GROWLS]

Damn, Bunz!

Aw, shit! Come here!

Ah, girl, that's right.

He is out there right now

takin' care of Killa.

Wow. Looks like ol' Rushon

has worked his way

right on in, huh?

Mm-hmm, and honey,

let me tell you,

my man has earned everything

I'm 'bout to give him.

[♪♪]

Come here, Killa,

you little mutt.

♪ Here come

Them player haters ♪

♪ Run for yo' run ♪

♪ Run, run ♪

♪ Yeah, I wants mine

I gets mine ♪

[SIRENS WAILING]

Get yo' little ass--

Uh, oh!

Oh, snap!

[WHEEZING]

[PANTING]

I hate dogs.

♪ East Coast ♪

♪ Where they at? ♪

♪ West Coast ♪

♪ Where they at? ♪

♪ West Coast ♪

♪ Where they at? ♪

♪ East Coast ♪

♪ Push 'em up, push 'em up ♪

Okay, Bunz, I got it.

I'm-a tell Nikki

Killa's with you and Lysterine.

That way, we can still

get busy--

Oh, hold on. Wait, wait.

I am not about

to get caught up

in your little tangled web

of deception.

That's one thing I don't do,

man, and that's lie.

All right, then. When Nikki is

crying on Lysterine's shoulder,

then what you gon' do?

Let's get

our story straight.

[BARKING]

[SIGHS]

No story required.

Come on, B.

[BARKING]

Shh!

Don't be givin' 'body up.

What happened?

What took you guys so long?

Oh, hey. Um, me and Killa

started playin'.

Lost track of time.

This dog is so frisky.

You hear me?

Is there somethin'

on his sweater?

No. Nothin' on this sweater.

It's probably a little

shadowy in here if anything.

You know it's gettin' late.

Oh! Look at this!

Is that a strong dog or what?

Your dog is a trip, girl.

I'm tellin' you.

Mm-hmm, so are you gonna play

with him all night,

or you gonna come in here

and play with me?

I be right in there with you.

Go ahead. Just go 'head in.

I'll be in there.

Okay. Don't take too long.

Make me get nothin'.

Rushon, what's taking

so long?

[HIGH-PITCHED GROWL]

[SNARLING]

[LAUGHS]

What are you

supposed to be?

Jurassic Park, baby.

Gettin' prehistoric on you.

[SNARLS]

[LAUGHS]

Come here.

Come here, girl.

[BARKS AND GROWLS]

[LAUGHS]

Mmm, hm-hmm.

Mmm.

[MOANING]

Oooh. Whoo!

What are you doing?

Goin' downtown, baby,

on the "A" train.

Yeah, but-- That's great.

That's wonderful.

But don't you think we need

some protection for that?

I just went to the store.

I got that.

Don't you worry

'bout nothin'.

Rushon, you need

a dental dam

to protect against the exchange

of bodily fluid.

Nikki, where in the hell am

I gonna get some dental dam?

I done been to the store--

Plastic wrap.

In the kitchen

next to the refrigerator.

In the kitchen?

In the kitchen.

All right.

Hurry up. Hurry.

Need some wrap.

Clears another hurdle!

You ain't know I was

in the Olympics, girl.

Now, don't tear up

my kitchen, now.

I got it.

Here you go.

Well, don't look like

we be goin' downtown.

That's okay, babe.

No, it's not, because

I want you to go downtown.

See, if you go

to the store...

[MOANING]

...when you come back,

you do me,

and I'll do you.

Yeah, but the store

is a long...way.

Ooh!

[NIKKI MOANING]

Okay. To the store.

Ow!

It's one thing to leave

in the middle of the night, man,

to go get some rubbers,

but it's another thing

to go get some plastic wrap

for shit I don't plan on doin'.

Hey, hey.

I might hurt you.

You're my friend,

but I just might hurt you.

[DOOR CHIMES JINGLING]

Hey, man.

You poked me in the eye.

Cut that shit down.

Oh, look.

The butt plugs are back.

Singh, you got any

plastic wrap, man?

Yeah. In the back,

next to the onions.

[BOTH SNICKER]

All right.

What's so funny?

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[LAUGHS]

Oh!

♪ You got to lick it

Before you kick it ♪

♪ You've got to make it soft

And wet before you stick it ♪

Hey, hey, hey, hey,

camel cowboys.

We ain't here for that.

We just wanna get wrap

and then we outta here.

Oh, yeah. No. Most people

come in to buy Glad Wrap

at 2:00 in the morning.

BOTH:

♪ You got to punch it ♪

♪ Before you munch it ♪

♪ You got to work it ♪

♪ Before you jerk it ♪

♪ Boom, shah-la-la-la-la

Boom, shah-la-la-la-la ♪

See? See? You see?

This is why I'm in favor

of the immigration reform laws,

'cause you motherfuckers

are fresh off the boat

and you're already

fuckin' with people.

Oh, my God.

Take a breather.

[SIGHS]

You feel better?

I feel better.

I was just pulling

you arm.

No, no. Pulling your leg.

Arm.

No, no. You cannot say

"pulling your arm."

Why do you always

have to correct me?

You're not in Bombay now.

I wish I was in Bombay,

to deal with you--

Go to Bombay, then.

I'm not staying.

You see who we

gettin' it from now?

And they got a point.

These women are runnin' us.

We not runnin' them.

And do you see how

expensive this shit is?

Singh, you got

anything cheaper?

MAN:

Rushon!

Come up here, boy.

Damn! Judge Peabody.

He go to my mother's church.

He a holy roller too.

Hey, Judge.

Rushon, what you doin' out?

Uh, we just came

to get a sandwich.

Ain't nothin' out

this late but the devil

and the devil's helper.

Hey, Judge.

Uh-- All right.

You want that Glad Wrap?

Glad Wrap at 2:00

in the mornin'?

Looks like you plannin'

on eatin' more than a sandwich.

Your mother know what

you out here doin'?

Well, she, um--

Look here, son.

It's bad enough

you plannin' to fornicate.

Now, don't compound

the crime by lyin'.

See, lies are the oil

that grease the track,

the one way to desolution.

Now, I know condoms

and Glad Wrap,

it has its place

in the pantheon of safe sex.

But it's only one way

to be totally safe,

and that's abstinence

and purity.

And sexual frustration.

Hey, listen,

I know how you all feel

when that furry temptress seem

like she's callin' yo' name.

She say, "Come on, Rushon!

Get some! Put yo' hand on it!

"Look, you want some of it?

Rub it on in there.

"You want me to rub it?

Well, you bite me!

Suck it, you filthy--"

You know.

Things like that.

You know.

Man.

You got my nipples hard.

Watch how you talk to me.

I'm-- I'm sorry?

I'm sorry for you.

I'm tryin' to help you.

See, that's when

you gotta be strong.

That's why you

have to take a pledge.

I swear on the seal of this

great state of New York...

[DOOR OPENS]

...that I would never--

Say, Judge.

We gonna do this or what?

Yes. Yes.

I'll be right out, miss.

I'll be right out.

Ahem, that's what

I'm talkin' about.

So remember what I said...

because I said it.

And you tell your mother

I say hello, hear?

You all have a great evenin'.

Oh, Judge, you forgot

your Goodyears.

I'll come back and get it.

I have to take, uh,

my clerk home.

I told you I was comin' out.

You didn't have to come in.

Uh, look man.

I'm a little low on cash.

Y'all got anything

cheaper than this?

Oh, that's the 300.

The 100 is back on the shelf.

Just come on, man.

We runnin' outta time.

I don't trust those boys.

Oh, my God.

You know

what I think, Akmed?

I think that that girl was

the judge's fuzzy temptress.

Furry temptress.

What is the difference?

You don't know

the difference?

Put the money in the bag.

Just a minute. We are talking.

Furry is here, fuzzy is here--

Hey!

I said put the money

in the bag.

Your customer.

Listen, you Pakistani

piece of shit, do what I say.

Listen, you crack addict,

we are not Pakistani.

We are Punjabis.

I could pass for Pakistani.

Oh, shit, Bunz.

These motherfuckers

are gettin' jacked.

Oh. As soon as

he shoots them,

I'm gonna go get some groceries.

You want some bread and eggs?

Bunz, do you ever use

the left side of your brain?

All the time.

Here, take these.

[WHISPERING]

Come on. Come on.

Go right in

through there.

[CASH REGISTER DINGS]

Hey, let's clock

this motherfucker.

Hurry up.

Gimme the goddamn money.

[GASPS]

Call me a Pakistani!

[MACHINE-GUN FIRE]

[YELLING]

Oh, my, my, my, my, my.

Oh, my, my, my.

And you wonder

why you're a floater.

Are you out of your

fuckin' minds?

Punk motherfucker.

Bunz, you all right?

I think I got a pickle

stuck in my ass.

There it go.

Tonight.

I ain't comin' back

out here.

That's the spirit.

Bunz.

What?

You got somethin' in here.

Straighten you out.

Man, you whack.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR OPENING]

Nikki, your man's home.

[DOG GROWLS]

I don't wanna hear it.

I-- Say it, say it.

NIKKI: I'm in the bathroom.

Why don't you get ready?

I am ready, girl.

I been ready.

Seven-weeks ready.

Shit.

Nikki! This plastic

ain't easy to come by, girl.

You don't know what

I been through.

But I think I finally got

this safe-sex thing down pat.

NIKKI:

Are you sure you know

what you're doing?

Do I know what I'm doin'?

I know what I'm doin'.

Say you want some dental dam,

I got your dental dam.

Build your ass a Hoover Dam.

That's what I'll do.

I'm gonna wax that ass tonight.

It's my turn to do what I do.

[DOG BARKS]

You shut up, or I'll wrap

your ass like a hot dog.

[GROWLING AND BARKING]

Nikki!

Nikki! Nikki!

[MUFFLED YELL]

[COUGHS AND YELLS]

[GRUNTS AND COUGHS]

Oh, my God, Rushon.

Rushon, Rushon,

Rushon, Rushon.

[POPS]

[GASPS AND COUGHS]

Come on, sit up

so you can get some air.

Sit up.

Okay. Okay.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

You gotta breathe.

Let me help you.

Rushon, you are supposed to

put this around my pelvic area,

not your head.

Sorry, babe.

Let's do this.

Let's do this?

I'm fired up now.

Rushon, you almost died.

[COUGHING]

Oh, my God. You are the only man

in this world I know

dumb enough to do

something like this.

[GRUNTING]

Gotta help a brother out!

God!

Get him up!

Get up.

Sit him up!

Help me. Help me.

What?

Pop it!

Motherfucker, was you gonna wait

for me to turn into a butterfly?

Déjà vu.

Would you look-a here.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, I been lookin'.

LYSTERINE:

You know, I told him

that I was coming right back.

Bunz, what did you think,

you were gonna spoil

or somethin'?

You know, I got some aluminum

foil over in the cabinet too.

Ooh, ooh, I don't

want to hit no woman.

I don't want to hit her,

but I tell you right now--

When did this become

Def Comedy Jam?

Nikki, what is so funny?

Oh, I'm sorry, baby.

[MOCKING]

"I'm sorry, baby."

Ain't this a bitch?

I ain't never had to go

through this much shit

just to get a piece of ass.

Look, they got you slippin',

now you got me slippin'.

I'm outta here.

You with me?

I'm out. Come on.

Rushon, where you goin'?

I'm goin' home.

It's about time you started

handling your business

like a man, brother.

Now I still got time

to make my booty call.

Now, if I could--

[GRUNTS]

Didn't I tell you

about this blind-date stuff?

Look at this shit.

Let's just get a cab

and get outta here.

Smartest thing

you said all night.

Don't look back.

Just keep walking.

To think we almost

got shot over this shit.

BOTH: Shot?

BUNZ: You heard him: shot.

I'm outta here.

Yo, cabbie! Cabbie!

Wait!

Rushon, are you okay?

I'm still breathin',

ain't I?

As long as you stay away

from that Glad Wrap.

Lystie, come on.

I'm gonna be right over here.

Baby, I am so sorry.

I will make it up to you.

I will do anything.

We can go upstairs.

Damn.

I just want

to let you know right now,

if you's thinking about trying

to get in good with me,

kissing me all over

my fingers,

you can forget

about all that.

Forgotten.

Cool.

Can I get a damn cab?

Damn! What does a brother

have to do

to get a cab

after midnight here?

Rushon, you want

to help me out?

You say something,

Bunz?

Oh, I see what's goin' on.

Look like you're gonna

get yours before sunrise.

I guess you won the bet.

Ow!

What bet?

Bunz?

Uh, could you

repeat the question?

You know, I got a bum ear.

Baby, it's just a figure

of speech, that's all.

Like, "Bunz, how much

do you wanna bet

I'll be tapping that ass

before sunrise?"

That kind of figure

of speech?

Did you have some kind

of bet goin' on?

No.

No. No. No, no.

No, no. Hell, no.

That would be degrading.

Completely degrading.

This is more like a little

harmless challenge.

Exactly.

A challenge?

Like between guys.

You know how guys get together,

talk about bitches and hos.

Bunz!

Baby, that's all right.

I got it.

It's like a guy thing,

kind of like high-fivin'?

Right, right.

Exactly like a high five.

Did you hear that?

It's a guy thing.

I heard.

You know us girls have

our thing too,

except it's not a high five.

It's a high one.

And to you too.

Lystie, let's go.

Nikki, please.

Rushon, you bet on me.

You're gonna listen to Bunz?

Nikki, Bunz is crazy.

I would never do

something like-- Look, I--

Would you listen to me, please?

I'm listening.

I fucked up.

I mean, a little bit.

Hey, look here.

[HORN HONKS]

Hey, man,

I'm glad you stopped.

You don't steal my car!

You don't steal my car!

What's up with the gun?

What's up with all this

violence, man?

[GUN CLICKS]

Oh, you done fucked up now.

I oughta bust your ass

right here.

Sorry, I don't want to hurt you!

Aah!

RUSHON:

Shit!

BUNZ:

Shit, I got to get the hell

out of here, man.

Shit is too crazy.

I'm gonna go back

to Africa, to the roots.

[IMITATING AFRICAN DIALECT]

Hey, let's take a bite

of the Big Apple.

Come on,

the night is young.

The only place we're going

is to the hospital

to get you stitched

and cleaned up.

After that,

we're going home.

This is only a flesh wound.

Look. See? Ow!

Back in the days,

them old-school niggas

could take four,

five bullets to the ass,

not even worry about

going to the hospital.

I guess shit done changed.

They don't make niggers

like they used to-- Rock hard.

Ah, I hurt my finger.

Kiss it.

Nikki, I made

a mistake, okay?

I'm sorry.

Welcome to another episode

of "Slippin'-Ass Brother."

Caller, you're on the line

all the way from Alabama.

What you think?

Well, I want to know if

the young buck in the back

knows how to fetch

and roll over too,

'cause he begs

good as hell.

Oh, yeah,

that's right, Rushon.

Straighten up for your boy.

Nikki.

What will it take

for you to shut up?

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, it's funny you asked.

[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY

OVER P.A.]

RUSHON:

It was a misunderstanding.

It was a bet, but it wasn't.

Not now, Rushon.

Like I was saying,

it's a flesh wound.

We want to make sure

that it doesn't get infected.

Like I was saying,

no insurance.

BUNZ:

Ain't this a shame.

We're in the richest country

in the world.

The land of the brave,

home of the beautiful.

And my man can't get

his leg sewn up?

NIKKI:

Bunz, this is not the time

or place.

It is the place.

It says here, "Emergency."

I doesn't say, "Emergency,

unless your broke ass

ain't got no

insurance card."

Bunz...

ALL: Shut up!

Okay. Shut up.

I tell you what.

I'm gonna get you a parrot

to go with your peg leg.

Look, I got insurance.

I just don't have my card

on me right now.

No card, no cure.

Miss, I don't think

you understand

the severity

of this situation.

This man has been shot.

Now, I don't know

where you received

your education

or training from--

Lystie! I apologize

for my friends.

It's been a long night.

I'm sure there's a procedure

to verify his insurance.

We filled out the forms.

All the information you need

is right here.

Like I said,

Little Miss Fugee,

no card, no cure.

Look, bitch!

Either you make the call

or I'm-a come across

that desk

and snatch that horsehair

wig off your bald head.

I will stick this clipboard

so far up your--

BUNZ:

Askins!

Looking for

Rushon Askins.

Nigga, are you Rushon?

Yeah, Rushon Askins,

right here.

Great.

That's what I'm askin'.

Fool, get your ass down.

Okay, listen.

We already pre-admitted

this patient.

Here's his insurance forms.

We need to get him

down to triage right quick,

because his wounds

are very severe.

Yes, Dr. Zevroloski.

But aren't you the guy--

Yes, I am.

I'm very attracted to you.

These beautiful eyes.

Those cheekbones. That smile.

And I love that little mustache.

It's working.

But do something

with the Chia Pet.

Listen, you and your mama

are going to have to wait

behind the yellow line.

[SCOFFS]

"Your mama"?

BUNZ:

Yes, your motherfuckin' mama.

I know he ain't sayin'

I look old.

Bunz, you sure you know

what you're doing?

Yeah, I used to watch ER

all the time,

till they cut

the brother's part down.

Somebody died.

They tried to blame it on him.

Nurse, could you

give me a hand.

I have a patient

that needs some assistance.

Sure, Doctor.

Could you roll him

over there, please?

Oh, yeah. You know,

I think it's just a flesh wound.

Please help me get him

in the bed.

Yeah, you do look

a little frail.

Get you right up here.

Ow!

There we go. Now, what I'm gonna

do is I'm gonna probably get him

turned around

so can see him.

The vital signs

seem to be okay.

Uh, the forehead fever

is stable.

[GRUNTS]

Oh, oh, look here,

I got to run.

I got a 1-Adam-12

right down the hall.

So I'm gonna

leave you here with him.

I'm sure you can handle this.

Sure, Dr. Zevroloski?

Yeah. Well, Zevroloski

was my first name.

You know, I'm part German,

part Jamaican. Ger-maican.

[IN JAMAICAN ACCENT]

Wicked!

Shabba!

Damn Caribbean

medical schools.

Dr. Moore needs some help

in Obstetrics.

She's having a baby.

Oh, well, it ain't mine.

No, it's her patient.

Oh. Well, let's get it on.

Uh, is she naked?

Aah! Ouch! Ow!

[LAUGHS]

It hurts good, doesn't it?

Here. I'm gonna give you

something for the pain.

Oh. Mm-mmm.

All right, it's gonna

help you relax.

It might even

make you drowsy.

But you're gonna feel

a whole lot better.

Oh! Nice.

[CHUCKLES]

Ouch! Ow!

Pleasant dreams.

[MOANING]

So, Doctor,

what seems to be the problem?

Well, my residency

is in Emergency Peds.

I have no training

in Obstetrics.

This patient

is multi-gravida,

experiencing aggravated

lateral distension

with a strong likelihood

of an oblique inguinal hernia

impacting the peritoneum

and the upper gastric artery.

You ever go to Nell's

on Ladies' Night?

It's free before 10:00.

Got a brand-new deejay

there, D.J. Knockers.

Girl, don't even

worry about it.

Let me tell you

something about men.

They only good

for one thing,

and most of the time they don't

even know how to do that right.

Talkin' all that mess

about how big they are,

how much stamina they got.

Talkin' all that mess

about, "Oh, whose is this?

Whose is this? Whose is this?"

You know what I tell 'em?

"You don't even know him."

Yeah, but how they gonna

bet on us

like we some dogs

at a racetrack?

'Cause they're

not human, baby.

I know it may seem

like it.

I mean, we both eat

and breathe the same.

Look at a brother like Bunz.

Does he act human?

But you just slept

with Bunz.

Like I said--

BOTH:

They're only good

for one thing.

Yes! You got it!

All right.

Let me tell you

another thing--

Now, see, what you got to do

is flip the script

and keep your freaky-deaky

happening on the D.L.

Be like, "Yeah, that's right,

but it's mine."

Yeah! That's mine.

Tear it up!

Yeah, yeah, give it to me!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

What's my name? What's my name?

What's my name?

Nik, we're in a hospital.

A hospital. Chill.

We in a hospital.

All right.

Okay. Tear it up.

Now, the contractions

are 10 seconds apart.

Everything's great.

Everything's fine.

And, you know,

you're lookin', uh--

You know, you're lookin'

pretty good.

What you in here for,

boy?

We went out...

[MUMBLING]

Oh, you're lucky.

I got bad pipes.

My balls

is all congested.

What're they gonna do?

Un-congest them,

I guess.

It says here,

"testicular removal."

[LAUGHS]

Un-congest them, my ass.

They're gonna

chop your balls off.

What?

Mr. Martin.

Where are you?

Mr. Martin?

Where are you?

[SNORING]

We are ready.

"Rushon."

What a pretty name.

Martin.

Here you are.

Yowch.

Adios, cojones.

Great evening. Got any more

planned for me, Nik?

Don't even start on me.

You don't want me to start

on you about tonight.

And what is that

supposed to mean?

What is that

supposed to mean?

Nikki, we are in

a freaking hospital--

Of course you

don't recognize me.

I'm Dr. Zevroloski.

I'm in residency in Baltimore.

I'm just visiting here,

doing research.

Hold it!

Someone stole my ID.

Zevroloski!

Look it up.

I knew it.

You, come with me.

We got somebody to find.

I know they're in here

somewhere.

[HOARSELY]

No.

We can't--

Man, I swear to God.

We oughta

just leave 'em.

No, we oughta find 'em

and then leave 'em.

No...

It's okay.

Look at the pretty baby.

Pretty, pretty.

What is wrong with you?

Relax.

[GRUNTS]

This is a mistake.

Oh, now.

Everyone gets a little nervous

about this procedure.

It's easy.

First we shave you,

then we snip you,

and it's over.

There is life

after castration.

Let's get him in.

[CRYING]

Little baby. Little baby--

[SPITTING]

Well, the plumbing works.

Hey, look here.

I gotta go.

Where's Rushon?

I don't know.

You lost Rushon?

No, I didn't lose Rushon.

I was just in--

Look, Bunz, I don't

have time for this.

I'm gonna go look for him.

You try to find him, please.

All right.

Girlfriend, keep an eye on him.

All right, Mr. Martin.

We've already

started anesthesia.

You haven't had anything to eat

in the last 12 hours, right?

Good. Just relax and start

counting backwards from 100.

[WHISPERING]

Don't take my johnson.

Don't take my--

All right, people,

he's out cold. Let us tango.

Is he in there?

Thought like I looked

like a mama.

Hey, I like older women.

You trying to say I look old?

I'm sayin'

you're like a fine wine.

You're just aged.

Check in there.

Oh, snap!

Chia Pet! Oh! Go!

Hurry up!

Yeah.

Shh! Bunz, Bunz, stop.

Come on.

Wait a minute.

All right. She's gone.

Let's go.

Yeah. Let's go.

You probably ain't

even ready for this, girl.

No, you ain't ready for this.

All right.

Here we go.

Wait a minute. Why hasn't

this man been prepped?

Ah, it doesn't matter.

We all make mistakes.

I'll do it myself.

Razor.

Who your daddy? Who your daddy?

Who your daddy?

Come on up here, girl.

Mmm. Oh, oh, oh.

Bunz. Bunz, wait, wait.

Look. Somebody's in here.

That jack-o'-lantern fool

is dead to the world.

Come on,

let's do this.

Come on. What are you doing?

Come on.

See? Now, come on.

Hope you had

your cornflakes, baby,

'cause I'm gonna go

all night long,

'cause I got stamina.

But you got a condom, right?

No glove, no love.

Hey, look.

I got a glove right here.

It may not be big enough

to fit on this big old paloosa,

but we're gonna do

the best we can.

There we go. Come on.

Are you ready?

Wait, wait a minute.

Okay, wait a minute.

There you go.

Line it up.

Okay. Oh.

[PANTING]

Oh. Yes.

Don't go too fast, now.

[YELLS]

Don't you...

like this?

Oh, shit.

[BLUBBERING]

No, you didn't.

I been holding that one

a long time.

That's just a flare,

baby.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

MAN: Damn.

My crippled ass could've

rolled around in her cootchie

longer than that.

Damn. He's been watching us

the whole time.

The whole three seconds.

[SNORING]

[GRUNTS]

I hope I didn't

wear you out.

Look, you need a cigarette

or something to bring you down?

WOMAN [OVER P.A.]:

Dr. Morrissey, Dr. Morrissey.

Dr. Morrissey

to 875, please.

Oh, my God.

What are you doing?

I'm removing a metastasized

testicular growth.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Don't touch his growth!

Get her out of here.

No, wait! There's been

some kind of mistake!

He doesn't have insurance!

Fuck!

Get him down to County.

Goddamn, stupid Admissions.

I'll be on the golf course.

Son of a bitch!

Hey, baby.

Hi, Rushon.

[CHUCKLES]

My leg-- Oh, shit!

Don't worry. Everything's

still there, almost.

Almost? What do you mean,

almost?

You needs to lay off

the Magic Shave, man.

Oh, my God, Nikki.

No matter what you do,

don't tell Bunz.

Here we go again,

worrying about what Bunz

is gonna think.

Lord forbid you get embarrassed

in front of Bunz.

That's what I'm talking about,

Rushon.

Hey, Nikki, you mean

everything to me, but, come on,

there's a place where a brother

got to draw the line, now.

There comes a time where a woman

has got to draw the line.

Nikki.

Rushon, the sun's up.

You already lost the bet.

What else?

LYSTERINE:

Hurry up, Bunz.

You definitely know how

to do that, Quick Draw.

Lystie!

Hey, what's up?

Yeah, that's what

I've been askin'.

Mind your business.

Big Daddy-Haddy-Not-No.

What's up, boy?

Hey, what's up, man?

BUNZ:

You lookin' good, man.

They stitched you up?

Your boy here now.

Don't sweat a thing.

[LAUGHS]

You took care of me, boy.

Well, now that your

boy is here,

I'm sure

that you'll be fine.

Me and Lystie are leaving.

Come on.

Nikki.

Forget them tricks. Let's roll.

Nikki. Nikki!

What do I gotta do

to prove

that I don't give a fuck

about what Bunz thinks?

Sorry, man.

Is this "Kick a Brother

in the Ding-Ding Day"?

The proof is in the doing,

not the saying, Rushon.

It's getting late.

We're going home.

All right, fuck it!

Bunz.

Hey, dawg,

what you doin'?

I don't want to know you

like this!

Rushon!

Hey, man,

you do look younger

with your beard cut off

and everything.

Not only am I a client,

but I'm also the president.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Look like

a popcorn shrimp, man.

Is that the best you can do?

You better come on, Bunz.

Look like a doorstop.

[VIBRATING SOUND]

You gonna tell

everybody we know, right, Bunz?

Embarrass the hell

out of me, right?

I got to, man.

Let me ask you something.

If I pull that,

would you get stronger?

There you go, brother.

You got a tight little ass.

Ass so tight you could squeeze

a piece of coal

and shit a diamond.

Look at you, boy.

Did you see--

You really need to stop

joning, Speedy.

You know what?

We need to keep that

on the down low,

because I have been

going through some counseling

and wanted to talk to you

about that.

You didn't give me a chance

to reach my "climacticness,"

'cause usually--

You just got excited.

I got a little excited.

You gonna step over to this side

of the line or what?

What's over there

for me?

I love you over here.

[GRUNTS]

[LAUGHS]

Ah, look what

they're doin'.

You ready to go with me?

Mm-hmm.

You wanna go home?

Mm-hmm.

Come on and party. You with me?

Mm-hmm.

You sure?

Watch it now.

[LAUGHING]

Can't touch the pork chop.

Can't touch the pork chop?

Whoo!

Don't touch it.

[LAUGHS]

That really normally

doesn't happen to me,

but I had an accident.

A cat jumped in my lap

when I was watching cartoons.

It scratched the left side

of my shit,

so on the left

side I'm not functional.

I gotta hit it

to the right.

You could learn a lot from him,

you know that?

I know, but I got

this sports cream.

You know, I put it on

and I'm ready to go,

you know what I'm saying?

[LOUD CRASH]

♪ It's just the way

You like it, baby ♪

RUSHON:

Nikki, I am glad you

made me wait seven weeks.

Uh-huh.

Now, do you think

they used a razor

or one of those

hair removal creams on you?

A razor.

Mmm.

You sure you know

what you're doin'?

Oh, yeah!

Where is Killa?

I'm sure Killa's

around here somewhere.

NIKKI:

He's not even bothering us.

I told you you two would

hit it off and bond together.

[BARKING]

RUSHON: Well, you know,

me and Killa have

come to an understanding.

I read somewhere where

this is supposed to be bad

for your kidneys.

You know,

unless you're a professional,

you shouldn't be going around

like this.

[GASPS]

Be careful.

I got t-tendinitis.

Now, let's get

this party started.

Yeah!

Be gentle.

[WHIP CRACKS]

♪ Me, I'm Super Fly

Super-duper Fly ♪

♪ Rub your hands up my thigh

And go super-duper high ♪

♪ Do you see my apple pie

Tell me if you lie ♪

♪ Tell me if you lie ♪

[DOG BARKS]

♪ Baby, you got me

Tipsy, tipsy ♪

♪ Offerin' me your love ♪

♪ Tasty, baby ♪

♪ You're sending me

Crazy, crazy ♪

♪ Can I be a lady? ♪

♪ I love the things

You say to me ♪

♪ I like it when you're

Talkin' dirty ♪

♪ Can we get kinky tonight? ♪

♪ I got so many things

On my mind ♪

♪ On my mind ♪

♪ I never seen a guy so fine ♪

♪ I like it when you do me,

Do me ♪

♪ Can we get kinky tonight ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ I got so many things

On my mind ♪

♪ On my mind ♪

♪ I wanna feel you ♪

♪ Squeeze me tight ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, honey

You got me ♪

♪ So high, so high ♪

♪ I can't lie about the way you

Play me ♪

♪ If you want me

Then take me ♪

♪ You send me

Crazy, crazy ♪

♪ Baby, I love the way

You taste me ♪

♪ You're so tasty

Like pastry ♪

♪ Can we get kinky tonight? ♪

♪ Can we? ♪

♪ I got so many things

On my mind ♪

♪ On my mind ♪

♪ I never seen a guy so fine ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I like it when you do me,

Do me ♪

♪ Can we? ♪

♪ Can we get kinky tonight? ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ I got so many things

On my mind ♪

♪ On my mind ♪

♪ I wanna feel you ♪

♪ Squeeze me tight ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Spend the night with me ♪

♪ Spend the night

With me ♪

♪ Spend the night ♪

♪ Spend the night with me ♪

♪ I don't care what we do ♪

♪ Just as long

As I'm with you ♪

♪ Ohh-ohh-ohh ♪

♪ Can we get kinky tonight? ♪

♪ I got so many things

On my mind ♪

♪ I never seen a guy so fine ♪

♪ So fine ♪

♪ I like it when you do me,

Do me ♪

♪ Can we? ♪

♪ Can we get kinky tonight? ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ I got so many things

On my mind ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ I wanna feel you ♪

♪ Squeeze me tight ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah

Can we get kinky tonight? ♪

♪ I got so many things

On my mind ♪

♪ I never seen a guy

So fine ♪

♪ I like it when you do me

Do me ♪

♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

♪ Can we get kinky tonight? ♪

♪ I got so many things

On my mind ♪

♪ I wanna feel you

Squeeze me tight ♪

♪ We could sit in the back

Of my 300 ♪

♪ We kissin' and we fondlin'

We high and we blunt it ♪

♪ Take me if you want it

To the Ho Jo ♪

♪ Up all night like No-Doz ♪

♪ Yes, I got the feelin'

Feel me flow ♪

♪ Don't ask me

If I'm nasty ♪

♪ Freaky-deaky

See y'all can't see me ♪

♪ Me, Timbaland and SWV ♪

♪ We hit you with the heat

Now, shall we ♪

♪ Check it out ♪

♪ Can we get kinky tonight? ♪

♪ I got so many things

On my mind ♪

♪ I never seen a guy

So fine ♪

♪ I like it when you do me,

Do me ♪

♪ Can we get kinky tonight? ♪

♪ I got so many things

On my mind ♪

♪ I wanna feel you

Squeeze me tight ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

[♪♪]

[DOG BARKS]