Book of Love (1990) - full transcript
A friend delivers John Twiller greetings from a long gone high school girlfriend. This makes him open his school's yearbook - his "Book of Love" - and remember the old times, way back in 1956, when he was in his last year of high school and his family just moved to the town. He hung out with geeky Paul Kayne and tried to get the attention of Lily, who unfortunately was together with bully Angelo.
The Book of Love is a book that's written
in the heart of every horny teenager.
And, believe it not,
it's based on a true story.
Hey, Jack, it's Crutch.
Your divorce papers
just came through...
and you're flying solo again.
Um, the judge did give her
the house in the country.
But we had to expect something
like that from a wife...
who is also a lawyer.
Anyway, speaking of divorces...
guess who's back
in town visiting her mother?
A certain old flame
of yours from high school.
Does cute, dark hair,
and a pistol ring a bell?
And, Jack, she asked about you.
See ya later, alligator. You big stud.
Dark hair and a pistol?
A pistol?
I wonder, wonder, who, oh, who.
Who wrote the book of love.
Tell me, tell me...
OK. An old flame from high school.
Connie?
Cute but no pistol.
Bunny.
And me.
Who wrote the book of love...
So, we got shot down,
Captain Midnight.
Life does play its tricks.
But hey, you wanted
to be successful, you are.
You fought for the girl...
you got her.
You expected a wonderful marriage...
it was terrible.
Don't you wonder if life
could've been different?
Come on back, Jack.
Remember who you really are.
I know some things you've forgotten.
Some very important things.
Baby, baby, baby,
I love you, yes, I do...
I got to meet the plumber
in 20 minutes. Let's go!
Be very careful.
You guys want to ride with me?
Yeah, yeah. Can we, Mom?
Well, OK. We don't
have much room anyway.
Jack, please be careful
with the china,
Chapter two, you tell her.
You never, never, never,
nev-never gonna part.
In chapter three, remember.
The meaning of romance.
In chapter four you break up.
But you give her
just one mere chance.
See that?
That's smoke from the slag pile.
Used to walk up there,
you'd be dead in no time.
Goal gas.
Wow, a mountain on fire,
What a great neighbourhood,
huh, Jack?
You know what happens to you
in a new neighbourhood?
What?
You get your ass kicked.
I a-love you, darlin'
Baby, you know I do.
But I've got to see
this book of love.
Find out why it's true
I wonder, wonder,
whom, ba-doo-000, who.
Who wrote the book of love?
Chapter one says to love her.
You love her with all your heart.
Chapter two you tell her.
You never, never,
never, ne-never gonna part.
In chapter three, remember.
The meaning of romance.
In chapter four you break up.
But you give her
just one mere chance.
Hey, Mom, did you see
the blazing mountain?
You die in minute if you went near it.
Oh, we'll never smell that up here.
I wonder, wonder, who,
ba-doo-000, who.
Who wrote the book of love?
Hey, oh, be very
careful with that.
It contains a very valuable
comic book collection...
including White Rider.
In reality, of course, I am White Rider.
Well, ride this.
Ugh.
I wonder, wonder, who
ba-doo-000, who.
Who wrote the book of love?
I wonder who.
Yeah!
Who wrote the book of love?
You're the Twillers, right?
Yeah.
I live down the block.
My name's Paul Kane.
Hi.
But everyone just calls me Crutch.
You know, Crutch, Kane, Get it?
- What happened to your leg?
- I got hit by a beer truck.
I'm going to get hit by a beer truck
when I grow up.
Yeah, it's a pretty good deal.
You don't have to take out
the garbage.
You get excused from gym class.
Peanut!
- The chicks love it.
- Coming!
Come on, I'll show you around
the neighbourhood.
All right,
I'm glad you came along.
You know, I thought a new
neighbourhood might be trouble.
What do you mean?
Well, you know, I thought
since I was the new kid...
and everything, somebody might
think they had to kick my ass.
Oh, never happen.
Not with me as your pal, at least.
I pull a lot of weight around hers.
Uh, Crutch, who's that?
It's Angelo Gabooch and his gang.
Um, just act natural
and ['ll handle everything.
OK.
I thought you said you carried
a lot of weight around this neighbourhood.
OK, so we got depantsed.
Worse things could've happened.
Come on, my house is just right
around the corner.
- Ahh!
- Ha ha ha.
Holy shit!
Hi, Crutch, love your outfit.
Ha ha ha.
Oh, my God.
A blue colossus with red cape.
He's strong, he's brave, he's...
He's going to sit down
and eat his breakfast.
Boys, I hope you're going
to try and mingle...
with the other students today.
Your first day at a new school
is very important.
All right, Mom. Mingle. Ahem.
Mingle, Peanut.
Just be prepared to knuckle
down, young man.
Jack, I know it's not
going to be easy...
entering a new schaol in the
middle of your sophomore year.
He's afraid they're gonna
beat the crap out of him.
Peanut, such language.
Don't talk to your mother like that.
Take off that cape
and get dressed properly.
I'm taking you to school.
I'm fighting for the cause of justice.
How will it look if my mother
takes me to school?
Up in the morning
and off to school.
That teacher is teaching
the golden rule
American history
and practical math.
This is where Spider Bomboni lives.
His old man's in jail.
Hello, Spider!
Yeah, yeah. I'm coming.
Spider's a real jerk-off artist.
17 times in one day.
Oh, that's a lot of pounding.
It's true.
But he's got inspiration.
Oh, I wish I had a sister.
Crutch, hey.
Don't skip a-school today.
Yeah, yeah. Right.
Keep your shirt on.
Mrs Bomboni, I'd like you to meet
a new kid in the neighbourhood.
Ah, you're all fucking bums.
Ma, can I have a quarter?
I'll give you a quarter.
Spider, meet Jack Twiller.
He just moved into the neighbourhood.
Hey, if you lay a buck on me and uh...
you come around tonight and you
can watch my sister take a bath.
He's got a hole drilled
in the bathroom wall.
The perfect view. Worth a buck.
Every Friday night. Right, spider?
- Right.
- Sounds good to me.
So you got any new hot books,
Spider?
Oh, yeah.
Check this out, huh?
I just got these in yesterday.
Look at this.
Candy and Derwood Go Camping.
Sounds educational.
Hey, you learn something new
with me everyday, jerk off.
It'll cost you two bucks.
No problem.
That's what lunch money's for.
Look at this one. This one's
my favourite right here.
“For not by any calm
and indolent spoutings...
“net by the peaceable gush...
“of that mystic fountain in his head...
"did the White Whale
now reveal his vicinity..."
"but by the far more wondrous
phenomenon of breaching."
"Rising with his utmost velocity
from the furthest depths..."
“the Sperm Whale thus
booms his entire bulk...
"" into the pure element of air...
“and piling up a mountain
of dazzling foam...
"shows his place to the distance
of 7 miles and more."
"In these moments..."
“the torn, enraged waves
he shakes off, seem his mane.
“In some cases this breaching
is his act of defiance.
"There she breaches,
There she breaches', was the cry..."
"as in his immeasurable bravadess..."
"the White Whale tossed himself
salmon-like to Heaven."
All right, class, for tomorrow,
chapter seven, please.
Hearts made of stone...
Hey, Spider.
Will never break.
For the love you have for them...
That's Gina Gabooch.
She's cute but don't go near her.
She's Angelo's sister.
And all of your love.
Is there to take.
Remember Lily's friend Wanda?
Bazungas really make
a statement, don't they?
Actually, Wanda and I have
a little something going there.
Hey, Wanda, I can finally
introduce you to Jack Twiller.
Get lost, creep.
Please, please, please, break.
And all of your love.
Here comes Lily.
Smart, rich, and the princess
of my wet dreams.
Hey, let's try to make an impression.
Did you see that?
She couldn't take her eyes off of me.
I got to go to class. I'll see ya later.
No, no, no, no, no,
no, everybody knows
I told you you should have spent your time
looking for gold...
instead of those worthless
old relics no one would want.
Oh, fine relic hunter I am, Tim,
Yeah.
I just missed a chance
to get a silver bullet...
from the Lone Ranger.
Hi-Ho, Silver! Away!
Get washed up, boys.
And now a word from our sponsor.
You better get Wildroot Cream
or, Charlie,
Start using it today.
You'll find that you will
have a tough time, Charlie.
Keeping all the gals away.
It isn't any news who
Lily will choose.
The Wildroot guy.
Come on, Twiller, give it a try.
Go get some right away
Jack, you OK?
I'm fine.
The Lone Ranger. A copyright...
I met a girl today.
Her name is Anita Krump.
Her braids stick out.
She wears white socks with
little flowers around them.
1 love her little socks.
Well, she says if I gave her a ring,
1 could go out with her.
So, help me pick out one.
Let's see, maybe the, uh...
zombie skull ring er...
Ah, my Straight Arrow
Golden Nugget Picture Ring.
Did you meet any girls today?
- Yeah.
- Did they want a ring?
No.
Well, if they do,
you can have one of mine.
Boys, dinner!
You're a good man, Peanut.
Oh, we're the men of Texaco.
We work from Maine to Mexico.
There's nothing like this Texaco of ours.
Our show tonight is powerful.
We'll wow you with an hourful.
Of howls from a showerful of stars...
Jack, are you meeting any girls?
There are kids in my class, Ma...
and, yes, some of them are girls.
Oh. Ha,
Did you know that I once won
a ballroom dance contest?
Quiet, please. I am trying to watch this.
Dancing is a very important part of dating.
The boys who can dance...
have their pick of the girls.
And since I know that you would
never do this on your own...
Crutch's mother and I
have enrolled you both in dance class.
Mom, I do not want
to take dance lessons.
Oh, don't be silly, dear.
You will love them.
Shh!
Ma, I'm aclod. I can't... I can't do that.
Jack, you're going to love dancing.
Won't he, Joe?
Mmm. Clod. Absolutely. Mm.
Shh, and this is a wonderful programme.
It isn't just ballroom dancing
but tap dancing as well.
Oh, that's different.
Tap dancing?!
Let me see those taps.
Let me hear them.
Very good, boys and girls.
All right, and a turn.
Right. Watch your arms.
Make me believe.
Let's keep smiling.
Everyone, keep smiling.
All right. Shuffle, two, three.
Keep smiling.
What is she doing here?
All right and up these stairs.
Hokey pokey and up the stairs.
Very good.
Good.
Very, very good, Lily.
All right, now.
Beginners in the next room, please.
Boy, am I glad that's over.
Yeah, no kidding.
- How's your knee?
- It's killing me.
But dancing's my life.
I'm dedicated.
You know what I mean?
Jack.
You know what, Crutch,
I... I've been thinking about the, um...
the stair routine and, uh...
there's definitely something
that just doesn't work about it.
Wait. Jack!
- Aah!
- Jack!
Uh! Ah!
Are you all right?
Um, yeah. Uh...
Uh, a special roll-you do
it right, you don't get hurt.
Look, you've a huge lump
on your head.
Um, i-it's part of the routine.
Well, I hope you're OK.
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- OK.
- Thank you.
- Bye.
Think Lily was impressed?
Oh, definitely. I mean, the way you took
all these steps on your head.
Hey, she had to be impressed.
Ah, I think I broke a rib.
I think she's going to remember
that number for a long time to come.
Guy rolls down 26 stairs,
comes up dancing.
Hey, tell me about it.
It's Angelo.
Gina,
Gather.
Round me, buddies.
Hold your glasses high.
And drink to a fool.
'Cause I'm that fool...
My problem is I'm just not cool.
I gave Anita Krump a ring
with her name on it.
Yeah, where did you get that?
I sent away.
It took six Crispy box tops.
Ahh. Her name glows in the dark.
Ahh.
Now, I have to meet her
at the movies every Saturday.
She wears a training bra,
What, is she going to do tricks
with her tits?
Is that something girls have to train for?
I suppose you went through this
when you were my age, huh, Jack?
No. You bring something
all your own to it, Peanut.
OK! Time for bed, boys!
- Come on!
- Aah!
My tent won't stay up, Jack.
A good stiff pole is the answer
to your tent, Lily.
Open your flaps,
and I'll take a look.
Oh, Jack, you've really got me pegged.
So, what are we gonna do
do for spring vacation?
Oh, you know what?
I think Lily and Wanda...
are going to be camping
up at Blue Lake.
Oh, this is it.
You hang around,
you tap dance...
and then finally you get a big break.
Long walks, private picnics,
just us and them at Blue Lake.
What an opportunity!
Crutch's mother and I
have already discussed it.
You're going to Ranger Camp together.
Mom. Ma, you cannot do this to me.
Crutch and I already made special plans.
You are going to Ranger Camp.
You know, Jack,
I don't like to say this...
but you are too much involved...
with your small clique of friends.
Just moping around
the neighbourhood.
Now, at Ranger Camp...
you'll learn to mix with new
boys from all walks of life.
Mom, I haven't been to
a Ranger meeting all year.
I know and it's been
a great disappointment to me.
The uniform is so becoming on you.
The Ranger's creed we can't
forget, hurrah, hurrah.
We're lighting the signal lamp again,
hurrah, hurrah.
The compass points the way to go.
We'll sleep beside
the fire's glow
and we'll all be there when
the Rangers go marching home.
You know, boys, as we come to the close
of the first day of Ranger jamboree...
I would like to remind you
of the Ranger credo.
Serve your friends,
surmount your foe, and do your duty.
Good night, men.
It's not so bad after all.
Yeah, yeah. I guess it's OK.
I mean, it seems like
a pretty good bunch of guys.
You know, that's it.
Later for the girls.
We're in it together, till the end.
Bonds of new friendship.
Camaraderie.
- Ha ha ha ha.
- Hey, I wonder who's in our tent?
Ha ha ha ha.
Hey, join the party, dorks.
It's Sehank's birthday, so we
decided to give him a candle.
Ha ha ha.
Happy birthday, Schank.
Guys.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday, dear Schank.
Happy birthday to you.
Ha ha ha ha.
- Make a wish, Schank.
- Uhh!
Um, guys the mosquitoes
are going to eat him alive.
I'm gonna undo him, OK?
Don't touch these chains.
I was just joking, Angelo.
I mean, sitting around by candlelight,
that's what scouting's all about.
Yeah, tomorrow we got a big pink
candle for you two.
We'll light 'em up real nice.
Right?
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha.
All right, men, extinguish that candle.
- Ow.
- Shit,
Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
Yeow!
Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
Sweet dreams, Twiller.
Ha ha ha.
Shh,
What about Schank?
You're right. We can't leave him here.
They'll hear us try to take his chains off.
They'll beat the crap out of us.
Then we'll take him, chains and all,
Shh,
Turn left, turn left,
Uhh.
Look out.
Watch your step.
Ow!
You OK?
No.
- Uhh!
- It's-It's no good.
I can't see where
I'm going, Cruteh.
We need a light.
Sorry, Schank.
- Mmm.
- We got to do it.
Come on, guys.
Aren't we safe yet?
Ahh.
You broke your father's heart...
by leaving Ranger camp
after only one day.
Yeah, but, Mom, that
one day was so perfect...
nothing else could hold
a candle to it.
Oh, Jack, you've got
to start thinking...
of your future,
of expanding your boundaries.
Have you given any more thought
to becoming a teacher?
I've thinking about becoming a writer.
Oh, Jack, everybody knows
writers starve.
I think it's very nice
that Floyd asked you over...
while we go out to play canasta.
I understand he's quite a gentleman.
Ohh.
I hope some of that rubs off on you.
Hello, hello.
- Hi, how are you?
- Fine. Come on in.
- Oh, what a lovely home.
- Welcome, Jack.
Hi.
Floyd, I want you
to meet Jack's mother.
Very nice to meet you, ma'am.
It's very nice to meet you too.
My. Oh, what a lovely living room.
Your father's going to Rotary, Floyd,
and we'll be home around 11:00.
You may have a get-together of friends.
Thank you, Mother.
You boys enjoy yourselves.
Have a good time, sweetheart.
Mother thinks you'll be
a good influence on me.
Earth angel, earth angel.
Would you Will you be mine?
My darling dear.
Whoa, whoa
I love you for all time
I'm just a fool
I'm just a foaoool.
A fool in love with you.
Yooooouuu.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Whoo, that was fucking great!
That was great!
Music.
And now, and now...
What?
For something a little special.
Oh, you can't sing.
- Yeah, right.
- My famous créme de menthe.
Ohh.
Rock-n-rye.
Peppermint Schnapps.
Peach flaveured brandy.
Some of that, whatever it is...
high ball... a garnish of raisin, perhaps.
For you, Twiller, this is for you.
My friend, Jack Twiller.
- That's your drink.
- It's good.
Ugh. Mmm.
Yeah, that's, um, smooth,
- Good.
- Hey, hey.
Very, uh, smooth.
Hey, make some calls, huh?
We want some pussy.
- Yeah.
- Go to "I."
That's a good idea. I.
There's nothing but sluts in here.
Yeah, - That's what we want.
Sluts.
Uh-huh,
OK, well, just tell her...
Tell her Jack Kerouac called.
That's right.
Well, thank you, Mrs Zimmerman.
By the way, what are you doing right now?
Oh, OK. All right. By,
Smooth. Very smooth.
So?
So, I made 23 calls.
- And?
- And nobody's coming.
Damn it, I never get any breaks.
Looks like one more party
with the boys.
Oh, shit, it's going to turn
into another dick measuring contest.
Hey, guys.
- The back door was open.
- Schanky!
Hey, Schank,
you see any chicks on the way?
I just saw Lily and Wanda.
1 told them te pop by.
Lily and Wanda? Lily and Wanda!
They're back from Blue Lake.
Do you realise what this means?
Crutch!
I've never been drunk before.
It's...
Gettin' high, gettin' high.
Gottin' high, gettin' high.
Gettin' high, gettin' high
I'm just a fool...
6 and 2/16ths,
Um... Schank is the winner.
Give me that fucking thing.
You missed a half-inch of root.
- You would have lost anyway. Look.
- Bullshit.
Guys, it's not the size of the ship.
It's the motion of the ocean.
Shh,
A toast... to the gang that will never die.
Huh. Here's to the future.
To the future!
I'm just a fool.
A fool in love.
So, we got older and
the hormones got bolder.
We noticed other girls.
We knew they were there, but, uh...
it always came back to Lily, Lily, Lily.
Uhh, - Uhh,
Ahem.
Ahh.
I wish Lily could see me like this.
Forget it. She and Angelo
are going steady.
How can she go steady
with a prick like Angelo?
The worse prick you are,
the more chicks seem to like it.
The thing you get to do
is practise on your sneer.
Like this.
Higher.
You look like you got your nuts
caught in a meat grinder.
Yeah, but the basic attitude
is there. You know?
You guys hear that Angelo's got colleges
scouting him already?
I mean, he's probably going to go on
and play pro football or something.
Yeah, I got my career
choices narrowed down...
to either dentist, chiropodist
or a certified public accountant.
Hey, you'd be a certified public asshole.
Give me the work light over here.
- Uhh!
- Hey, Spider, what do you figure on being?
Hey, I'm going to marry some rich old lady
who's soft in the head.
Hold the light right there.
Oh, right. You've got a plan.
That's what I'm always saying.
You know, like for the senior prom.
It's only 66 days away...
and already I'm working overtime
to get a date for it.
Ah, fuck the prom.
Only squares wear tuxedos.
Crutch, the light.
Ugh, that's just about got it.
Uhh! You got to know how to find a bargain
like this and fix it up.
You know Snake's junkyard
has a'63 Chevy convertible...
for sale for 60 bucks?
- Yeah, what's wrong with it?
- Well, it needs a little work,
It's underwater.
Oh, great. Just right for you, Twiller.
Heh heh.
Ahh. I wish to hell I was
mechanically inclined.
Yeah? Well, you can start by getting me
the vice grips on the workbench there.
Hey, big guy, wanna change my oil?
Enrol in our expert mechanic's
course today.
Our fully illustrated
textbooks show you...
how to always keep yourself greasy...
look sexy and master your own tool.
Come on, Twiller. The vice grips.
- Vice grips.
- All right.
Ah, da-dum ba, da-dum ba da-dum ba
dooh, dooh
00000 wah, 000000 wah
00000 wah, 000000 Wah
00000 wah, 000000 wah.
Why do fools fall in love?
Why do birds sing so gay.
- And lovers await...
- Hey, shithead.
So what do you think, Ang,
you wanna go through the gears?
In that junk heap?
With those yo-yo's?
Anytime.
Uh, Crutch, uh, can you hand me
the, uh, vice grips, please?
Right.
Vice grips, Crutch.
Vice grips.
Love can be a shame
I know of a fool, you see.
For that fool is me.
- Tell me why...
- Ha ha ha.
Be nice, Angelo.
Can I have the, uh...
the half-inch socket, Crutch?
You're an ace mechanic, Twiller.
All right,
Get your stupid shirt out of my fan belt.
Listen to that, huh?
Listen to that.
That's it, motherfucker.
We're ready to burn.
Well, be bop a lula.
She's my baby.
Be bop alula...
Uh, Spider?
Give me a fucking break.
What's going on, Spider?
What is this?
This is not supposed to happen, right?
This is nice, Spider.
Oh! Oh, man!
Hey, hey! Get some sand
or something, quick!
Ohh.
Fix it!
Oh, shit! My car!
Hurry up, man! Get some sand!
Throw it on!
Well, what do we have here?
Spider, this isn't working!
What are we going to do?
Piss on it!
It's going to blow!
Oh, shit!
Hey, I saw one blow at Cahoach's garage.
Sent the gas tank right through the roof.
Whoa!
Ah, the water put it out.
It's not gonna blow.
Whoa!
Oh!
- Ah!
- Ha ha ha ha!
Fuck!
You're jealous. All you had to do
was close your eyes and swing...
Hey, Jacky!
I got some important news for you.
Yeah?
W... What about?
Lily, got in afight with Angelo.
She'll be in the playground
if you want to meet her later.
W... What... what am I supposed to do?
Hmm. If I have to tell you that...
you might as well not bother going.
Nyah, nyah, nyah.
- Hi.
- Hi.
So, I hear you won the game for Central.
Uh, I hear you...
you and Angelo had a fight.
Who told you that?
I don't know. I just...
Kinda just heard it some place.
Well, um, so what if we did?
Right. Right. Uh...
It's no business of mine.
Heh.
Do you want to go to the movies?
What's playing?
Oh, it's a Jimmy Dean flick.
I hear it's really tough.
You know, I thought...
you know, maybe we could cateh,
like, 24:00 show or something.
Um, don't you have to change?
Um, no, I'm-I'm comfortable.
Well, OK,
- Great. All right.
- Let's go.
So, are you...
Are you still in dancing class?
Yeah.
You know, you look great on stage.
I mean, you know,
you're a terrific dancer.
Well, thanks. So are you.
Come on, I got two left feet. Heh.
Or maybe you just need
the right partner.
Um, is Angelo helping out tonight?
Don't ask me.
Are you worried about
him seeing you with me?
Why should I worry?
Tired of getting sand kicked in your face?
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You know what? Why don't we just
cross the street right here?
- It's a really good store.
- No, Jack, let's go this way.
Hey, you know what?
We... We might be late to the show.
There's a bus. We can...
Come on, Jack, We don't
want to be late for the show.
I bet you like to sit up in the
balcony where we can make out.
Ahem.
Um, Jack, you know, I-just remembered.
I have to baby-sit tonight.
You know, I'm really sorry.
I-l don't mean to disappoint you.
No, no, it's-it's OK.
Well, do you have a car?
You could drive me home or something.
No, but you know,
I-l will be getting one very soon.
V-8 motor and this modern design.
Black convertible top
and the gals don't mind.
Yes, it's great, just won't wait.
Everybody likes my Rocket '88.
Baby, we'll ride in style,
movin' all along
70 bucks.
I thought you said 60.
For a set a wheels like this?
- Come on, I ain't got all day.
- 60 is all I've got, though.
One moment! This mystery bic...
contains more riches
than you... ow... and... wait.
1 will get this open,
you will see the, uh...
Ah! Uh! Uh!
Stand back.
Hey! Well, it's open now.
You guys got yourself
a sweet machine.
- Hey, this was Vinnie Van Dura's car.
- Hey, we really got something here.
Vinnie was doing over a hundred
when he rolled it.
Paid in full.
Enjoy the ride, boys.
Thanks, man,
Wow.
It's the basic wheels.
Now, we're gonna fix her up. Ahem.
You can come
and help me get some junk...
and we could decorate the house.
- Sure.
- And we'll get, uh...
balloons and, uh...
Oh, what?
Kids' stuff, birthday stuff. Good stuff.
We can go to the 6 and 10.
Will you do it?
I'd like to.
I'm sort of-sort of...
I found my image.
I got my wheels.
I'm gonna ask her to the prom.
Go! Right now!
Where are we going?
Peanut, there are just some things
a brother must do alone.
Oh, yes
I'm the great pretender.
Ooh, ooh.
Pretending that I'm doing well.
Ooh, ooh.
My need is such
I pretend too much
I'm lonely but no one can tell.
Oh, yes
I'm the great pretender.
Well, hi, Jack.
Well, what a surprise.
So, hey, you got a new car.
That's-that's great.
Yeah.
Ill probably, uh...
slap a new motor into her.
Good for you.
You must be very excited.
It's only a car.
Heh. So, do you want to come in?
Sit down.
Um, Jack, I'm sorry but I've
already made plans for tonight.
Um, did you wanna see me
about something?
Yeah.
Yeah, I did.
Ahem.
I, uh...
I, uh, wanted to, um...
Ahh, Look, uh...
Ahh.
I wanted to ask you, um...
Ahh.
Will you...
um...
Uh, L..uh...
I gotta go.
I really screwed up, Floyd.
I mean, I had a golden
opportunity and I blew it.
Her wall looked like someone
threw a hamburger at it.
Well, look at it this way, you
left an indelible impression.
OK, Jack, we're on our way.
Last time you went
to a convention...
Jack put me
in the washing machine.
Oh, Peanut, now don't be ridiculous.
Wash, soak and spin.
Now, I want no eating over my new rug...
and, Jack, you may have one
friend stay overnight...
and I hope it will be Floyd.
Why, thank you, Mrs Twiller.
Well, Floyd, you're a perfect gentleman...
and I know the kind of influence
that you have over Jack.
- Let's go, Kitty!
- Coming, Joe.
OK, boys, be good.
- Bye, Mom.
- Let's go!
Bye, kids!
Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, Twiller's got an empty house.
Yeah, it's a sophisticated
little gathering.
There's new records.
There's, um, dancing.
No, ne, no, nothing violent.
It's a mature crowd.
I have to call you back, all right?
Twiller, your mother will shit
a brick about this.
Gina,
Whoa, hang back.
Angelo kicks the shit out
of anyone who goes near her.
Right.
Right, OK.
Who needs her?
Welcome to the manor!
Hi, baby. How ya doing?
Hey, you wanna dance?
«No. - I'm a trained dancer.
I might surprise you.
Can you believe this?
Real, live chicks in my place.
This is the party event of the season.
Yes!
Hi, Wanda.
You look really sharp.
Don't bother me.
Did my friends get here?
Listen, you know...
- you don't know me very well.
- That's the way I wanna keep it.
No. You know, we have a lot in common.
We have a lot of the same interests.
We... We like the same music, right?
And we like the same clothes.
For instance, I really like
that dress you're wearing.
- You don't give up, do you?
- Defeat is not in my vocabulary.
Looks like a pretty wild party.
I wonder what they did
with Twiller's little brother.
- Sppt!
- Ha ha ha ha!
All right! Yes!
Saturday night and I just got paid
I'm a fool about my money,
don't try to save.
My heart says "go go, have a time"
Saturday night and I'm feelin' fine
I'm gonna rock it up
I'm gonna rip it up
I'm gonna shake it up.
- Gonna ball it up.
- Go, baby, go!
I'm gonna rock it up
and ball tonight.
Ow!
Bad.
Well, it's Saturday night
and I just got paid
I'm a fool about my money,
don't try to save.
My heart says
"go go, have a time" "cause...
Oh, no! Hal.
- Looking good, baby.
- Right through the studs.
Yeah, look at the electrical
wiring by his ear.
- Good.
- I got it.
Just don't feel good.
You OK, Spider?
You're OK.
Well, we got to tie him up
before he burns the place down.
We can't tie him up, he's a pal.
We can roll him up in the rug.
Good idea.
- Uh!
- Hey.
What's he doing with a cap pistol?
Image.
Ah. Right, Ready?
Roll.
Uh, ah,
Uh, ah, ah!
Uh... uh!
Ahh.
- You got him?
- Yeah.
Ah, that's it. I got him.
Uh!
Ahh.
That's good.
He's out of the way...
but he can still enjoy himself.
Here. Fall in love.
Ha ha. I hope you die. Ha,
Hey, Peanut. She's kinda cute.
I'm in the gang now.
A full-fledged member.
That's cool.
Och.
I'm going through
a difficult change in life.
Sincerely.
Oh, you know how I love you...
Hi.
Hi, Jack,
You have wild parties.
- Gina, over here!
- You have beautiful eyes.
Are you drunk?
- Yeah.
- Ha ha.
You wanna dance?
Oh, Lord, won't you tell me why
I love that girl so...
You know, I knew there was
areason for this party.
Oh? And what is it?
You.
I caught a glimpse of my future.
Well, you should have
a crystal ball and a turban.
Ha ha ha.
Know all, tell all.
The future is revealed.
Oh, you know how I love you...
You know, if Angelo comes
and catches us...
Hey!
You let me worry about Angelo.
Please say you'll be mine.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Oh, Lord, won't you tell me why
I love that girl so...
Do you have a pencil in your pocket?
Uh, yeah.
Ha ha.
Ahem.
Never, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Sincerely.
Oh, you know how I love you...
Look at us.
I am.
Please say you'll be mine...
- Twiller. Upstairs, looting.
- What?
Uh, pillage.
Your mother's underwear's involved.
Excuse me.
Where you going, Floyd?
Hey, what's the big deal?
Ahh.
Uhh, excuse me.
What are you doing?
Relax. Just having
a little fashion show here.
Give me that,
Are these pearls real?
I want you two girls out of here.
Back off.
No. You back off.
Whoa, calm down. Wait a minute,
Don't do anything weird.
- I'll shoot you.
- Relax. I'm taking it off.
Look, there's nothing.
I'm sorry. Jeez.
That was great.
That was... You took complete control
of the situation.
Whoa, Wait a second.
I just pointed a gun at Angelo's sister.
He... he's net going to know...
that this... this is...
This is a cap gun, Floyd.
He's going to pound
my head into pepperoni.
To hell with him.
OK. To hell with him.
- To hell with him.
- To hell with him.
I love you so
and I want you to know
- I need your love so badly.
- Ha ha ha!
Wop! Doo, doo, doo.
Doo-doo-whoa! Doo, doo, doo.
Doo-doo-wop, doo-doo-whoa
doo-doo-wop.
Uhh!
Smooth. Very smooth.
Everybody, clear.
Hey, Twiller's got a gun.
Stand back. Clear.
Twiller! Don't shoot that.
It's not a cap gun.
- Yeah, right.
- It's dangerous.
Aah!
Converted chambers. I put real bullets in
it. Asshole. Get me out of this thing.
- You're crazy.
- He's kinda cool, no?
Yeah, too cool.
Let's get out of here.
I left my sweater upstairs!
Crutch.
Bye!
Take care.
I don't know, Crutch.
I think I'm finally starting
to get it together at last.
Definitely.
I love you so and I want you to know
I need your love so badly.
You say Floyd stumbled and
his head went through the wall?
Yeah. Uh... we were,
you know, playing canasta..
And, uh, he... he tripped
over the carpet and...
put his head
right through the wall.
Hmm,
This is very strange.
Sounds very unlikely.
Yeah. It was a surprise to me too, Mom.
And the couch?
Jack, something very odd
went on in this house...
while we were gone.
All of my jewellery
and underclothes...
have been rearranged.
Could've been panty raid, Mom.
My panties are not in the habit
of being raided.
You are trash and
your friends are trash.
And, Jack...
if you do not get into some college...
I don't even care
which one any more...
You are not my son.
Oh,
Then whose son am 12.
Ahh. Mr Smart Alecs.
Twiller, I've read your career folio.
It doesn't seem realistic.
Sir?
Your career folio isn't
grounded in reality.
Now, these folios
of your fellow classmates are realistic.
They're based on what I like to call
the facts of life.
The facts of life, my boy.
The facts of life.
Now, what would you say
to a job in the button mill?
Uh, well, my... you know, my parents
want me to go to college, sir.
With your grades,
they'll have to build you one...
unless, of course,
you have any other ideas.
Um, well, I like to write.
You know, uh...
I got a vivid imagination.
Uh, Twiller, you're what
I like to call a daydreamer.
In my experience,
daydreamers don't go anywhere.
Yeah? Well, I can't believe that, sir.
Twiller, I couldn't even get
you into bird grooming school.
Bird grooming school?
- Yeah,
- Probably canaries, stuff like that?
You ask anybody yet?
You think I put off
something that important?
- My own senior prom?
- And?
26 definite turn-downs.
You know, I think Lily's
really starting to like me.
- I'm going to ask her.
- Too late. She's going with Angelo.
Are you sure?
That's what Wanda told me.
No, a... are you absolutely sure?
Yeah. I'm sorry.
Hey, let's go
by the fairgrounds on Saturday.
We might pick up some
student nurses or something.
Yeah. Yeah, maybe the bearded
lady's not doing anything.
Ice cream! Ice cream!
Should be a deeply
moving performance.
It's time for your higher
education, Peanut.
All right, fellas, enjoy the show.
Go ahead in.
Step right up, gentlemen.
Next show starts in a few minutes.
Ah, yeah. Uh, just one ticket.
- Right there.
- How old is this guy?
Oh, uh...
he's my uncle. Uh, they're all
short on his side of the family.
Yeah. Go ahead.
All right, gentlemen.
Step right up and see...
the lovely Honey Moon.
Next show is in just a few minutes.
Whether you're young,
whether you're old...
she'll make you feel the same way.
Step right up.
Don't be afraid.
The next show is in a few minutes.
Come up. Step right up here.
There's Wanda.
I'm gonna try and win her a Schmoo.
Take care of yourself.
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
Hi.
Uh, five rings, please.
Take it off, baby!
Tell your fortune, mister?
Nah,
Hot sex, one dollar.
Wanda didn't want my Schmoo.
But I got something else going.
Um, can I have extra onions on that?
Crutch, the weirdest thing
just happened to me.
This... This girl offered me
hot sex for a dollar.
Why didn't you come and get me?
Crutch, she was just like 9 years old.
So what? My cocker spaniel's only 6.
Ohh.
Gina's over there. She asked about you.
I think she's interested.
Yeah?
Yeah, ever since you
took that shot at her.
Hey, hot shot.
So where's your pistol?
Got any more wild parties planned?
What have you been drinking?
Ahem. Mouthwash.
Ha.
You're a pretty far-out guy,
you know that?
Ahem.
Tough night.
Tomorrow's another day.
OK, Maury. See ya manana.
Show's over. Go on home.
What are you looking at?
You're not like women
from around here.
Heh. That's for damn sure.
Do you think...
I could have your autograph?
Not usually my autograph
guys ask me for.
Miss Moon...
Hmm?
I feel feverish...
and disoriented.
Those are the symptoms, aren't they?
Heh.
Hey.
You're gonna be some
heartbreaker when you grow up.
Ahh, I don't think I can handle
this, Crutch,
Go on. Give her the horn.
She showed interest, didn't she?
Seize the moment.
No. I'm no good on the phone with girls.
All right. Look, I'll get you started.
"Hi, Gina. This is Jack"?
Sounds great.
Ahem.
Hi, Gina, this is Jack.
Hi, Gina, this is Jack.
Perfect.
Hi, Gina, this is Jack.
Hi, Gina, this is Jack.
Hello?
Hi, Jack, this is Gina.
Go fuck yourself.
Angelo just, uh, hung up on me.
We're not taking that crap from him.
We've got a prepared speech here.
All right. If Angelo answers the door...
don't take any shit from him, OK?
Tell him you're selling
magazine subscriptions.
OK. A... And if he hangs me upside
down over the railing...
- you know what to do, right?
- Right.
Get your car keys if they
fall out of your pocket.
Exactly.
Why don't you leave
your car keys with me?
Good idea.
Yeah?
Gina home?
No.
Uh... do you know
when she's gonna be back?
Go fuck yourself.
Angelo!
What's the matter with you?
Ahem.
Beat it out of here, idiot.
How you doing?
OK.
So what brings you up this way?
Um, I, you know, I was just,
you know, rolling by.
Don't mind Angelo.
He's just like that sometimes.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Yeah. My... My gaucho shirt
was a little small anyway.
Heh.
Room in there now
for two gauchos. Heh.
Angelo thinks he's a hero or something.
That's your convertible out there?
Uh..yeah.
Interesting.
Do you want to go to the prom?
It's only three days away.
That doesn't give me
much time, you know.
You're right. Uh... I... I don't know.
I must have written down
the days wrong or something.
Do you want to go?
You send me a corsage
or do I buy one?
I buy you one.
I mean, um...
you know, uh...
you know, that's what I heard.
The guy... the guy usually
buys the corsages.
Um... you know, but if you heard
something different, uh...
No.
All right. Heh heh.
OK.
Uh, um...
pick you up around eight?
All right. Cool. Heh.
- OK.
- Um, hey, uh...
Tell Angelo...
just lay off a little bit. He...
Oh, Angelo's really
a pussy cat, believe me. Heh.
- Yeah. Sure.
- Heh.
See ya.
Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- I'm on!
- Way to go.
Did you see me move in there
right past Angelo?
After he set you back down?
Yeah,
It looked like a really smooth move.
Heh!
Well, that's your date.
Now, what about me?
Oh. I thought you said
you were working on someone.
Mmm. It's a long sheot.
Your cummerbund, sir.
Your clip-on tie.
Your Bruce Wayne look-a-like jacket.
Your pimple cream.
Yeah. Come onin.
Ahem.
Have a seat. Gina's still getting ready.
We've just been introduced.
You... You felt that way.
You're, uh, you're taking
Lily to the prom, right?
Yeah.
No paint in picking her up yet.
She likes to take her time.
Um, how's football going? Uh,
you got, uh, a scholarship, right?
Yeah. Hey, Ma, what's keeping Gina?
We're coming!
You in a hurry?
Um, no, actually. Hell, no.
She likes to take her time too.
They all do.
Yeah. Uh, it's-it's OK by me.
She looks so beautiful!
Looks all right. Don't she, Ma?
We're very happy you're taking Gina. Heh.
She told us all about you.
You know, every boy who
graduates from Central High...
has a great future ahead of him.
And now a word from a distinguished
Central High graduate.
Here at Mid-Valley
Bird Grooming College...
you'll learn all the secrets
of a certified bird groomer.
Enrol now and enjoy prestige,
pride, and high pay...
in this unusual profession.
- Ma, I think we gotta get going.
- Yes, yes, go on, the both of you.
Have a wonderful evening.
You both look a-so nice.
Anybody lays a hand on my sister...
I kick his slats in.
Um, right. Absolutely.
And then I tear off his nose.
Yeah. Ahem.
Hold me, hold me
hold me, hold me.
Never let me go...
School motto.
You know what it means?
Yeah. Something about rectums.
Hold me, hold me
hold me, hold me.
Make me tell you
I'm in love with you.
Thrill me, thrill me
thrill me, thrill me.
Walk me down the lane
where shadows will be.
Will be, will be
Will be, will be.
Hiding lovers just
the same as we'll be.
We'll be, we'll be...
Do you wanna dance?
Sure.
.Tell you I love you.
It's a lot of skirt.
Ha ha ha.
Yeah. It's kind of big.
Well, it's not. It's gorgeous.
You're gorgeous.
You really know how to dance.
Well, you know, I-took a few lessons.
Heh.
Hey, Crutch.
They told me.
Be sensible with your new love...
Ahem. So, what did you say
you were going to do after you graduate?
Ah... um... I don't know. Um...
I could, you know, go on
to work at the button mill.
Oh, jeez. I worked there last summer.
- You don't want to go there.
- No?
- No.
- My guidance counsellor, he, uh...
he wanted me to take it.
- Yeah?
- Yeah,
Well, he doesn't know
what kind of guy you are.
Yeah?
Yeah.
What kind of guy is that?
I don't know.
Kind of original.
Kind of unique.
Miss me, miss me.
If we ever say "I do".
So kiss me, kiss me
Kiss me, kiss me.
Never, never, never let me go.
See You Later, Alligator.
Well, I saw my baby walkin'
With another man today.
Well, I saw my baby walkin'
With another man today.
When I asked her,
"What's the matter?"
This is what I heard her say.
See you later, alligator.
After 'while, crocodile.
See you later, alligator.
After 'while, crocodile.
Can't you see you're
in my way now?
Miss Stuck-up.
She acts like she
gets whatever she wants.
She even thinks she's gonna
become a lawyer or something.
Ah, she can have what she wants,
Wanna dance?
Yeah.
See you later, alligator.
After 'while, crocodile.
See you later, alligator.
After 'while, crocodile.
Can't you see you're
in my way now?
Can't you see you cramp my style?
She said, I'm sorry, pretty daddy.
You know my love is just for you.
She said, I'm sorry, pretty daddy.
You know my love is just for you.
Won't you say that you forgive me.
And say your love for me is true
I said wait a minute, 'gator.
You know you mean it just for play
I said, wait a minute, 'gator
I know you mean it just for play.
Don't you know
you really hurt me.
And this is what I have to say.
It's a time for joy.
A time for tears.
A time we'll treasure
through the years.
- We'll remember...
- Well...
I guess tonight it
all comes to an end, huh?
I mean, I get my diploma...
I can walk straight out
into the world...
and get a job at Carvel
peeling bananas.
No. You'll find something.
- Yeah?
- Yeah,
You're right. I mean
there's got to be a college out there...
that-that's looking for a guy
with a vivid imagination. Heh.
Yeah.
Meanwhile, I...
I got my wheels,
I got my buddies...
I got, uh...
Uhh!
You don't have to be home
yet or anything, do you?
No. My mom knows
a prom date lasts all night.
I thought maybe we'd drive by the Lookout
and check out the situation.
Yeah. You can see
real good from up there.
Oh, yeah.
- You can see the whole city, like...
- Right, right. It's a hell of a view.
Yeah. Ahem.
What the hell?
What's wrong?
- The lights.
- I saw.
Like that.
I better check this out.
Uhh.
Ahh. Why are you doing this to me?
It's my big night.
Ahh.
Ow!
This is the headlight wire
right here, ain't it?
Uh..yeah.
This wire's all rusted through.
Oh, Well, it was under water for a while.
You're fucked, pal.
I'll tell you what...
I'll drive, you shine the flashlight.
OK.
Ah, - Heh heh.
All right,
This is no big deal.
I mean, anyone can drive
with their lights on, right?
Ha. Right. Ha.
We'll just stay right in the middle.
Hey! Hey, slow down!
Hey, he can't see us, Jack!
Hey, stupid! Slow down!
- Aah!
- Aah!
Ha ha ha ha!
Ain't this something?
- We'll make it.
- All right. Let's go!
This is a real kick.
I love it.
Yeah. Unforgettable touch.
You know, I'm not nervous any more.
The prom made me nervous.
Could you tell?
Ah, I was kinda nervous too.
Yeah?
Oh, yeah.
Now it's just the two of us
against the odds, right?
Right.
Yeah.
Heh heh.
What can I do?
Ahem.
So, uh, what are you
gonna do for the summer, Gina?
Uh... I'm working at Luna Pizza.
- Luna Pizza?
- Yeah,
um...
Uh, that's a really...
uh, good crust. Um...
Very, uh...
crisp... actually.
Ha. Yeah.
Ahem.
God, look at the moon,
It's beautiful, ain't it?
Yeah.
I'm-I'm glad we get to see it, you know?
Just... to kinda remember it.
Yeah. To kinda look back on.
Yeah. A souvenir, like.
Yeah. Souvenir.
Oh, oh, how will it feel?
So, you've been thinking
about college, right?
Oh, yeah.
That... That whole college thing
just gets me down.
So, if you could do anything
you wanted...
like, right now,
what would you want to do?
Anything.
Ha ha!
Not like right this moment. I mean...
maybe next week or something.
Um...
Uh, wow.
- Yeah.
- Uh... l guess. Um, yeah.
I'd like to travel or see the country.
Yeah. I know what you mean.
That's what I'd want
to do if I was graduating.
But if I do...
my mother says she's going
to hang herself in the attic.
Ha! She won't.
No, no, she will.
They never do.
Oh, what canl.
Do, do, do, do,
do, do, do, do-do.
What can I do?
Hey, we've got a winner here!
OK. I owe you five bucks.
Thanks.
- Well!
- It's about time!
Hey, Twiller! What
took you so long, man?
Hey, how'd it go?
I just got back.
I just took her an home.
Yeah? Did you score?
Come on, guys. On a prom date?
Hey.
How'd you guys do?
- Ohh.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, fantastic.
- 4 or b times.
Yeah.
- Ha ha ha.
- So wanna go for aride?
Oh, th-the tank's almost empty.
Hey, not any more.
Ha ha ha!
All right. Let's go!
Come on, baby,
let the good times roll.
Come on, baby,
let me thrill your soul.
Come on, baby,
let the good times roll.
Spider, this is a sensitive machine.
Come on baby, yes, this is...
- Ha ha!
- We graduated!
- We're moving on and moving up!
- The world's our fucking oyster!
Here we go! Here we go!
Och, all night long.
And now the future is revealed.
For starters, I finally landed Lily.
It was the night of the prom
which she saw me with Gina that did it.
Uh... we did net live
happily ever after.
And the rest of the gang?
Well, Crutch. Crutch, God bless him...
he's my lawyer. An expert in all
kinds of unfortunate accidents.
And Spider?
Spider did, in fact,
marry arich old lady...
who's soft in the head.
Floyd landed just where you
might guess he would.
Bedded down, so to speak.
Teaching poetry
at a girls' school back east.
And Peanut,
thanks to questionable influence...
he's now producing
showgirl revues in Vegas.
As for me, that vivid
imagination served me well...
and I became a writer after all.
And right now I think I'm ready...
to write a hot new chapter
in my own book of love.
See you later, alligator.
Baby, rock me all night long.
Come on, baby,
let the good times roll.
Come on, baby,
let me thrill your soul.
Come on, baby,
let the good times roll.
Roll on all night long.
I wonder, wonder, who, oh, who.
Who wrote the book of love?
I wonder, wonder, wonder.
Who wrote the book of love?
I wonder, wonder, wonder.
Who wrote the book of love?
Tell me, baby.
Who wrote the book of love?
Got to know the answer.
Was it someone from above?
I love you, darlin'
Oh, you know I do.
Tryin' to see this book of love.
Find out if it's true
I wonder, wonder, who, oh, who.
Who wrote the book of love?
Somebody tell me
who wrote the book of love.
And if you know,
can I take a look?
So I can find out what to do.
If love comes around,
cos I don't have a clue.
How would I make
a girl all mine?
Mmm, well, let me flip
through the book till I find.
This info, cos I need to know.
Tell me who wrote the book of love
I wonder, wonder,
who, whoo-ooh-who.
Who wrote the book of love?
Gonna shock you in a minute.
Aw, come on, man.
You don't know diddly.
Come on, I'm gonna shock
you in a minute.
You think you wrote the book of love?
Come on, prove it to me,
play that guitar now
I'm gonna shock you in a minute,
now, come on.
You ain't shocked me yet.
Come on, play that guitar, man.
Come on,
gonna shock you in a minute
I hear ya.
Gettin' busy in the place.
Come on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I wonder who wrote this book of love.
Gos my whole life has been a story of.
Relationships where you get the blues.
Lookin' for a girl
that can blow my fuse.
So let me read a page or two.
And if that works out,
read all the way through.
Gos this info I would love to know.
So, tell me,
who wrote the book of love?
I wonder, wonder who, oh, who.
Who wrote the book of
I wonder, wonder, wonder.
Who wrote the book of love?
I wonder, wonder, wonder.
Who wrote the book of love?
Love
I wonder, wonder, wonder.
Who wrote the book of love?
Don't you understand? I wrote it
I wonder, wonder, wonder.
Who wrote the book of love?
I wrote that, I say, I wrote that
I wonder, wonder, wonder.
Who wrote the book of love?
I wonder, wonder, wonder.
Who wrote the book of love?
1 wrote the book of love
I wonder, wonder, wonder.
Who wrote the book of love?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I wonder, wonder, wonder.
I- wrote it, man,
in the heart of every horny teenager.
And, believe it not,
it's based on a true story.
Hey, Jack, it's Crutch.
Your divorce papers
just came through...
and you're flying solo again.
Um, the judge did give her
the house in the country.
But we had to expect something
like that from a wife...
who is also a lawyer.
Anyway, speaking of divorces...
guess who's back
in town visiting her mother?
A certain old flame
of yours from high school.
Does cute, dark hair,
and a pistol ring a bell?
And, Jack, she asked about you.
See ya later, alligator. You big stud.
Dark hair and a pistol?
A pistol?
I wonder, wonder, who, oh, who.
Who wrote the book of love.
Tell me, tell me...
OK. An old flame from high school.
Connie?
Cute but no pistol.
Bunny.
And me.
Who wrote the book of love...
So, we got shot down,
Captain Midnight.
Life does play its tricks.
But hey, you wanted
to be successful, you are.
You fought for the girl...
you got her.
You expected a wonderful marriage...
it was terrible.
Don't you wonder if life
could've been different?
Come on back, Jack.
Remember who you really are.
I know some things you've forgotten.
Some very important things.
Baby, baby, baby,
I love you, yes, I do...
I got to meet the plumber
in 20 minutes. Let's go!
Be very careful.
You guys want to ride with me?
Yeah, yeah. Can we, Mom?
Well, OK. We don't
have much room anyway.
Jack, please be careful
with the china,
Chapter two, you tell her.
You never, never, never,
nev-never gonna part.
In chapter three, remember.
The meaning of romance.
In chapter four you break up.
But you give her
just one mere chance.
See that?
That's smoke from the slag pile.
Used to walk up there,
you'd be dead in no time.
Goal gas.
Wow, a mountain on fire,
What a great neighbourhood,
huh, Jack?
You know what happens to you
in a new neighbourhood?
What?
You get your ass kicked.
I a-love you, darlin'
Baby, you know I do.
But I've got to see
this book of love.
Find out why it's true
I wonder, wonder,
whom, ba-doo-000, who.
Who wrote the book of love?
Chapter one says to love her.
You love her with all your heart.
Chapter two you tell her.
You never, never,
never, ne-never gonna part.
In chapter three, remember.
The meaning of romance.
In chapter four you break up.
But you give her
just one mere chance.
Hey, Mom, did you see
the blazing mountain?
You die in minute if you went near it.
Oh, we'll never smell that up here.
I wonder, wonder, who,
ba-doo-000, who.
Who wrote the book of love?
Hey, oh, be very
careful with that.
It contains a very valuable
comic book collection...
including White Rider.
In reality, of course, I am White Rider.
Well, ride this.
Ugh.
I wonder, wonder, who
ba-doo-000, who.
Who wrote the book of love?
I wonder who.
Yeah!
Who wrote the book of love?
You're the Twillers, right?
Yeah.
I live down the block.
My name's Paul Kane.
Hi.
But everyone just calls me Crutch.
You know, Crutch, Kane, Get it?
- What happened to your leg?
- I got hit by a beer truck.
I'm going to get hit by a beer truck
when I grow up.
Yeah, it's a pretty good deal.
You don't have to take out
the garbage.
You get excused from gym class.
Peanut!
- The chicks love it.
- Coming!
Come on, I'll show you around
the neighbourhood.
All right,
I'm glad you came along.
You know, I thought a new
neighbourhood might be trouble.
What do you mean?
Well, you know, I thought
since I was the new kid...
and everything, somebody might
think they had to kick my ass.
Oh, never happen.
Not with me as your pal, at least.
I pull a lot of weight around hers.
Uh, Crutch, who's that?
It's Angelo Gabooch and his gang.
Um, just act natural
and ['ll handle everything.
OK.
I thought you said you carried
a lot of weight around this neighbourhood.
OK, so we got depantsed.
Worse things could've happened.
Come on, my house is just right
around the corner.
- Ahh!
- Ha ha ha.
Holy shit!
Hi, Crutch, love your outfit.
Ha ha ha.
Oh, my God.
A blue colossus with red cape.
He's strong, he's brave, he's...
He's going to sit down
and eat his breakfast.
Boys, I hope you're going
to try and mingle...
with the other students today.
Your first day at a new school
is very important.
All right, Mom. Mingle. Ahem.
Mingle, Peanut.
Just be prepared to knuckle
down, young man.
Jack, I know it's not
going to be easy...
entering a new schaol in the
middle of your sophomore year.
He's afraid they're gonna
beat the crap out of him.
Peanut, such language.
Don't talk to your mother like that.
Take off that cape
and get dressed properly.
I'm taking you to school.
I'm fighting for the cause of justice.
How will it look if my mother
takes me to school?
Up in the morning
and off to school.
That teacher is teaching
the golden rule
American history
and practical math.
This is where Spider Bomboni lives.
His old man's in jail.
Hello, Spider!
Yeah, yeah. I'm coming.
Spider's a real jerk-off artist.
17 times in one day.
Oh, that's a lot of pounding.
It's true.
But he's got inspiration.
Oh, I wish I had a sister.
Crutch, hey.
Don't skip a-school today.
Yeah, yeah. Right.
Keep your shirt on.
Mrs Bomboni, I'd like you to meet
a new kid in the neighbourhood.
Ah, you're all fucking bums.
Ma, can I have a quarter?
I'll give you a quarter.
Spider, meet Jack Twiller.
He just moved into the neighbourhood.
Hey, if you lay a buck on me and uh...
you come around tonight and you
can watch my sister take a bath.
He's got a hole drilled
in the bathroom wall.
The perfect view. Worth a buck.
Every Friday night. Right, spider?
- Right.
- Sounds good to me.
So you got any new hot books,
Spider?
Oh, yeah.
Check this out, huh?
I just got these in yesterday.
Look at this.
Candy and Derwood Go Camping.
Sounds educational.
Hey, you learn something new
with me everyday, jerk off.
It'll cost you two bucks.
No problem.
That's what lunch money's for.
Look at this one. This one's
my favourite right here.
“For not by any calm
and indolent spoutings...
“net by the peaceable gush...
“of that mystic fountain in his head...
"did the White Whale
now reveal his vicinity..."
"but by the far more wondrous
phenomenon of breaching."
"Rising with his utmost velocity
from the furthest depths..."
“the Sperm Whale thus
booms his entire bulk...
"" into the pure element of air...
“and piling up a mountain
of dazzling foam...
"shows his place to the distance
of 7 miles and more."
"In these moments..."
“the torn, enraged waves
he shakes off, seem his mane.
“In some cases this breaching
is his act of defiance.
"There she breaches,
There she breaches', was the cry..."
"as in his immeasurable bravadess..."
"the White Whale tossed himself
salmon-like to Heaven."
All right, class, for tomorrow,
chapter seven, please.
Hearts made of stone...
Hey, Spider.
Will never break.
For the love you have for them...
That's Gina Gabooch.
She's cute but don't go near her.
She's Angelo's sister.
And all of your love.
Is there to take.
Remember Lily's friend Wanda?
Bazungas really make
a statement, don't they?
Actually, Wanda and I have
a little something going there.
Hey, Wanda, I can finally
introduce you to Jack Twiller.
Get lost, creep.
Please, please, please, break.
And all of your love.
Here comes Lily.
Smart, rich, and the princess
of my wet dreams.
Hey, let's try to make an impression.
Did you see that?
She couldn't take her eyes off of me.
I got to go to class. I'll see ya later.
No, no, no, no, no,
no, everybody knows
I told you you should have spent your time
looking for gold...
instead of those worthless
old relics no one would want.
Oh, fine relic hunter I am, Tim,
Yeah.
I just missed a chance
to get a silver bullet...
from the Lone Ranger.
Hi-Ho, Silver! Away!
Get washed up, boys.
And now a word from our sponsor.
You better get Wildroot Cream
or, Charlie,
Start using it today.
You'll find that you will
have a tough time, Charlie.
Keeping all the gals away.
It isn't any news who
Lily will choose.
The Wildroot guy.
Come on, Twiller, give it a try.
Go get some right away
Jack, you OK?
I'm fine.
The Lone Ranger. A copyright...
I met a girl today.
Her name is Anita Krump.
Her braids stick out.
She wears white socks with
little flowers around them.
1 love her little socks.
Well, she says if I gave her a ring,
1 could go out with her.
So, help me pick out one.
Let's see, maybe the, uh...
zombie skull ring er...
Ah, my Straight Arrow
Golden Nugget Picture Ring.
Did you meet any girls today?
- Yeah.
- Did they want a ring?
No.
Well, if they do,
you can have one of mine.
Boys, dinner!
You're a good man, Peanut.
Oh, we're the men of Texaco.
We work from Maine to Mexico.
There's nothing like this Texaco of ours.
Our show tonight is powerful.
We'll wow you with an hourful.
Of howls from a showerful of stars...
Jack, are you meeting any girls?
There are kids in my class, Ma...
and, yes, some of them are girls.
Oh. Ha,
Did you know that I once won
a ballroom dance contest?
Quiet, please. I am trying to watch this.
Dancing is a very important part of dating.
The boys who can dance...
have their pick of the girls.
And since I know that you would
never do this on your own...
Crutch's mother and I
have enrolled you both in dance class.
Mom, I do not want
to take dance lessons.
Oh, don't be silly, dear.
You will love them.
Shh!
Ma, I'm aclod. I can't... I can't do that.
Jack, you're going to love dancing.
Won't he, Joe?
Mmm. Clod. Absolutely. Mm.
Shh, and this is a wonderful programme.
It isn't just ballroom dancing
but tap dancing as well.
Oh, that's different.
Tap dancing?!
Let me see those taps.
Let me hear them.
Very good, boys and girls.
All right, and a turn.
Right. Watch your arms.
Make me believe.
Let's keep smiling.
Everyone, keep smiling.
All right. Shuffle, two, three.
Keep smiling.
What is she doing here?
All right and up these stairs.
Hokey pokey and up the stairs.
Very good.
Good.
Very, very good, Lily.
All right, now.
Beginners in the next room, please.
Boy, am I glad that's over.
Yeah, no kidding.
- How's your knee?
- It's killing me.
But dancing's my life.
I'm dedicated.
You know what I mean?
Jack.
You know what, Crutch,
I... I've been thinking about the, um...
the stair routine and, uh...
there's definitely something
that just doesn't work about it.
Wait. Jack!
- Aah!
- Jack!
Uh! Ah!
Are you all right?
Um, yeah. Uh...
Uh, a special roll-you do
it right, you don't get hurt.
Look, you've a huge lump
on your head.
Um, i-it's part of the routine.
Well, I hope you're OK.
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- OK.
- Thank you.
- Bye.
Think Lily was impressed?
Oh, definitely. I mean, the way you took
all these steps on your head.
Hey, she had to be impressed.
Ah, I think I broke a rib.
I think she's going to remember
that number for a long time to come.
Guy rolls down 26 stairs,
comes up dancing.
Hey, tell me about it.
It's Angelo.
Gina,
Gather.
Round me, buddies.
Hold your glasses high.
And drink to a fool.
'Cause I'm that fool...
My problem is I'm just not cool.
I gave Anita Krump a ring
with her name on it.
Yeah, where did you get that?
I sent away.
It took six Crispy box tops.
Ahh. Her name glows in the dark.
Ahh.
Now, I have to meet her
at the movies every Saturday.
She wears a training bra,
What, is she going to do tricks
with her tits?
Is that something girls have to train for?
I suppose you went through this
when you were my age, huh, Jack?
No. You bring something
all your own to it, Peanut.
OK! Time for bed, boys!
- Come on!
- Aah!
My tent won't stay up, Jack.
A good stiff pole is the answer
to your tent, Lily.
Open your flaps,
and I'll take a look.
Oh, Jack, you've really got me pegged.
So, what are we gonna do
do for spring vacation?
Oh, you know what?
I think Lily and Wanda...
are going to be camping
up at Blue Lake.
Oh, this is it.
You hang around,
you tap dance...
and then finally you get a big break.
Long walks, private picnics,
just us and them at Blue Lake.
What an opportunity!
Crutch's mother and I
have already discussed it.
You're going to Ranger Camp together.
Mom. Ma, you cannot do this to me.
Crutch and I already made special plans.
You are going to Ranger Camp.
You know, Jack,
I don't like to say this...
but you are too much involved...
with your small clique of friends.
Just moping around
the neighbourhood.
Now, at Ranger Camp...
you'll learn to mix with new
boys from all walks of life.
Mom, I haven't been to
a Ranger meeting all year.
I know and it's been
a great disappointment to me.
The uniform is so becoming on you.
The Ranger's creed we can't
forget, hurrah, hurrah.
We're lighting the signal lamp again,
hurrah, hurrah.
The compass points the way to go.
We'll sleep beside
the fire's glow
and we'll all be there when
the Rangers go marching home.
You know, boys, as we come to the close
of the first day of Ranger jamboree...
I would like to remind you
of the Ranger credo.
Serve your friends,
surmount your foe, and do your duty.
Good night, men.
It's not so bad after all.
Yeah, yeah. I guess it's OK.
I mean, it seems like
a pretty good bunch of guys.
You know, that's it.
Later for the girls.
We're in it together, till the end.
Bonds of new friendship.
Camaraderie.
- Ha ha ha ha.
- Hey, I wonder who's in our tent?
Ha ha ha ha.
Hey, join the party, dorks.
It's Sehank's birthday, so we
decided to give him a candle.
Ha ha ha.
Happy birthday, Schank.
Guys.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday, dear Schank.
Happy birthday to you.
Ha ha ha ha.
- Make a wish, Schank.
- Uhh!
Um, guys the mosquitoes
are going to eat him alive.
I'm gonna undo him, OK?
Don't touch these chains.
I was just joking, Angelo.
I mean, sitting around by candlelight,
that's what scouting's all about.
Yeah, tomorrow we got a big pink
candle for you two.
We'll light 'em up real nice.
Right?
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha.
All right, men, extinguish that candle.
- Ow.
- Shit,
Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
Yeow!
Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
Sweet dreams, Twiller.
Ha ha ha.
Shh,
What about Schank?
You're right. We can't leave him here.
They'll hear us try to take his chains off.
They'll beat the crap out of us.
Then we'll take him, chains and all,
Shh,
Turn left, turn left,
Uhh.
Look out.
Watch your step.
Ow!
You OK?
No.
- Uhh!
- It's-It's no good.
I can't see where
I'm going, Cruteh.
We need a light.
Sorry, Schank.
- Mmm.
- We got to do it.
Come on, guys.
Aren't we safe yet?
Ahh.
You broke your father's heart...
by leaving Ranger camp
after only one day.
Yeah, but, Mom, that
one day was so perfect...
nothing else could hold
a candle to it.
Oh, Jack, you've got
to start thinking...
of your future,
of expanding your boundaries.
Have you given any more thought
to becoming a teacher?
I've thinking about becoming a writer.
Oh, Jack, everybody knows
writers starve.
I think it's very nice
that Floyd asked you over...
while we go out to play canasta.
I understand he's quite a gentleman.
Ohh.
I hope some of that rubs off on you.
Hello, hello.
- Hi, how are you?
- Fine. Come on in.
- Oh, what a lovely home.
- Welcome, Jack.
Hi.
Floyd, I want you
to meet Jack's mother.
Very nice to meet you, ma'am.
It's very nice to meet you too.
My. Oh, what a lovely living room.
Your father's going to Rotary, Floyd,
and we'll be home around 11:00.
You may have a get-together of friends.
Thank you, Mother.
You boys enjoy yourselves.
Have a good time, sweetheart.
Mother thinks you'll be
a good influence on me.
Earth angel, earth angel.
Would you Will you be mine?
My darling dear.
Whoa, whoa
I love you for all time
I'm just a fool
I'm just a foaoool.
A fool in love with you.
Yooooouuu.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Whoo, that was fucking great!
That was great!
Music.
And now, and now...
What?
For something a little special.
Oh, you can't sing.
- Yeah, right.
- My famous créme de menthe.
Ohh.
Rock-n-rye.
Peppermint Schnapps.
Peach flaveured brandy.
Some of that, whatever it is...
high ball... a garnish of raisin, perhaps.
For you, Twiller, this is for you.
My friend, Jack Twiller.
- That's your drink.
- It's good.
Ugh. Mmm.
Yeah, that's, um, smooth,
- Good.
- Hey, hey.
Very, uh, smooth.
Hey, make some calls, huh?
We want some pussy.
- Yeah.
- Go to "I."
That's a good idea. I.
There's nothing but sluts in here.
Yeah, - That's what we want.
Sluts.
Uh-huh,
OK, well, just tell her...
Tell her Jack Kerouac called.
That's right.
Well, thank you, Mrs Zimmerman.
By the way, what are you doing right now?
Oh, OK. All right. By,
Smooth. Very smooth.
So?
So, I made 23 calls.
- And?
- And nobody's coming.
Damn it, I never get any breaks.
Looks like one more party
with the boys.
Oh, shit, it's going to turn
into another dick measuring contest.
Hey, guys.
- The back door was open.
- Schanky!
Hey, Schank,
you see any chicks on the way?
I just saw Lily and Wanda.
1 told them te pop by.
Lily and Wanda? Lily and Wanda!
They're back from Blue Lake.
Do you realise what this means?
Crutch!
I've never been drunk before.
It's...
Gettin' high, gettin' high.
Gottin' high, gettin' high.
Gettin' high, gettin' high
I'm just a fool...
6 and 2/16ths,
Um... Schank is the winner.
Give me that fucking thing.
You missed a half-inch of root.
- You would have lost anyway. Look.
- Bullshit.
Guys, it's not the size of the ship.
It's the motion of the ocean.
Shh,
A toast... to the gang that will never die.
Huh. Here's to the future.
To the future!
I'm just a fool.
A fool in love.
So, we got older and
the hormones got bolder.
We noticed other girls.
We knew they were there, but, uh...
it always came back to Lily, Lily, Lily.
Uhh, - Uhh,
Ahem.
Ahh.
I wish Lily could see me like this.
Forget it. She and Angelo
are going steady.
How can she go steady
with a prick like Angelo?
The worse prick you are,
the more chicks seem to like it.
The thing you get to do
is practise on your sneer.
Like this.
Higher.
You look like you got your nuts
caught in a meat grinder.
Yeah, but the basic attitude
is there. You know?
You guys hear that Angelo's got colleges
scouting him already?
I mean, he's probably going to go on
and play pro football or something.
Yeah, I got my career
choices narrowed down...
to either dentist, chiropodist
or a certified public accountant.
Hey, you'd be a certified public asshole.
Give me the work light over here.
- Uhh!
- Hey, Spider, what do you figure on being?
Hey, I'm going to marry some rich old lady
who's soft in the head.
Hold the light right there.
Oh, right. You've got a plan.
That's what I'm always saying.
You know, like for the senior prom.
It's only 66 days away...
and already I'm working overtime
to get a date for it.
Ah, fuck the prom.
Only squares wear tuxedos.
Crutch, the light.
Ugh, that's just about got it.
Uhh! You got to know how to find a bargain
like this and fix it up.
You know Snake's junkyard
has a'63 Chevy convertible...
for sale for 60 bucks?
- Yeah, what's wrong with it?
- Well, it needs a little work,
It's underwater.
Oh, great. Just right for you, Twiller.
Heh heh.
Ahh. I wish to hell I was
mechanically inclined.
Yeah? Well, you can start by getting me
the vice grips on the workbench there.
Hey, big guy, wanna change my oil?
Enrol in our expert mechanic's
course today.
Our fully illustrated
textbooks show you...
how to always keep yourself greasy...
look sexy and master your own tool.
Come on, Twiller. The vice grips.
- Vice grips.
- All right.
Ah, da-dum ba, da-dum ba da-dum ba
dooh, dooh
00000 wah, 000000 wah
00000 wah, 000000 Wah
00000 wah, 000000 wah.
Why do fools fall in love?
Why do birds sing so gay.
- And lovers await...
- Hey, shithead.
So what do you think, Ang,
you wanna go through the gears?
In that junk heap?
With those yo-yo's?
Anytime.
Uh, Crutch, uh, can you hand me
the, uh, vice grips, please?
Right.
Vice grips, Crutch.
Vice grips.
Love can be a shame
I know of a fool, you see.
For that fool is me.
- Tell me why...
- Ha ha ha.
Be nice, Angelo.
Can I have the, uh...
the half-inch socket, Crutch?
You're an ace mechanic, Twiller.
All right,
Get your stupid shirt out of my fan belt.
Listen to that, huh?
Listen to that.
That's it, motherfucker.
We're ready to burn.
Well, be bop a lula.
She's my baby.
Be bop alula...
Uh, Spider?
Give me a fucking break.
What's going on, Spider?
What is this?
This is not supposed to happen, right?
This is nice, Spider.
Oh! Oh, man!
Hey, hey! Get some sand
or something, quick!
Ohh.
Fix it!
Oh, shit! My car!
Hurry up, man! Get some sand!
Throw it on!
Well, what do we have here?
Spider, this isn't working!
What are we going to do?
Piss on it!
It's going to blow!
Oh, shit!
Hey, I saw one blow at Cahoach's garage.
Sent the gas tank right through the roof.
Whoa!
Ah, the water put it out.
It's not gonna blow.
Whoa!
Oh!
- Ah!
- Ha ha ha ha!
Fuck!
You're jealous. All you had to do
was close your eyes and swing...
Hey, Jacky!
I got some important news for you.
Yeah?
W... What about?
Lily, got in afight with Angelo.
She'll be in the playground
if you want to meet her later.
W... What... what am I supposed to do?
Hmm. If I have to tell you that...
you might as well not bother going.
Nyah, nyah, nyah.
- Hi.
- Hi.
So, I hear you won the game for Central.
Uh, I hear you...
you and Angelo had a fight.
Who told you that?
I don't know. I just...
Kinda just heard it some place.
Well, um, so what if we did?
Right. Right. Uh...
It's no business of mine.
Heh.
Do you want to go to the movies?
What's playing?
Oh, it's a Jimmy Dean flick.
I hear it's really tough.
You know, I thought...
you know, maybe we could cateh,
like, 24:00 show or something.
Um, don't you have to change?
Um, no, I'm-I'm comfortable.
Well, OK,
- Great. All right.
- Let's go.
So, are you...
Are you still in dancing class?
Yeah.
You know, you look great on stage.
I mean, you know,
you're a terrific dancer.
Well, thanks. So are you.
Come on, I got two left feet. Heh.
Or maybe you just need
the right partner.
Um, is Angelo helping out tonight?
Don't ask me.
Are you worried about
him seeing you with me?
Why should I worry?
Tired of getting sand kicked in your face?
Train with the deluxe muscle worker...
to build power, personality
and the physically perfect male.
Do people stand around and laugh
while bullies shove candles up your ass?
If so, send today for your copy
of Bull Dick Judo Made Easy.
A perfect companion piece
to the muscle worker.
You know what? Why don't we just
cross the street right here?
- It's a really good store.
- No, Jack, let's go this way.
Hey, you know what?
We... We might be late to the show.
There's a bus. We can...
Come on, Jack, We don't
want to be late for the show.
I bet you like to sit up in the
balcony where we can make out.
Ahem.
Um, Jack, you know, I-just remembered.
I have to baby-sit tonight.
You know, I'm really sorry.
I-l don't mean to disappoint you.
No, no, it's-it's OK.
Well, do you have a car?
You could drive me home or something.
No, but you know,
I-l will be getting one very soon.
V-8 motor and this modern design.
Black convertible top
and the gals don't mind.
Yes, it's great, just won't wait.
Everybody likes my Rocket '88.
Baby, we'll ride in style,
movin' all along
70 bucks.
I thought you said 60.
For a set a wheels like this?
- Come on, I ain't got all day.
- 60 is all I've got, though.
One moment! This mystery bic...
contains more riches
than you... ow... and... wait.
1 will get this open,
you will see the, uh...
Ah! Uh! Uh!
Stand back.
Hey! Well, it's open now.
You guys got yourself
a sweet machine.
- Hey, this was Vinnie Van Dura's car.
- Hey, we really got something here.
Vinnie was doing over a hundred
when he rolled it.
Paid in full.
Enjoy the ride, boys.
Thanks, man,
Wow.
It's the basic wheels.
Now, we're gonna fix her up. Ahem.
You can come
and help me get some junk...
and we could decorate the house.
- Sure.
- And we'll get, uh...
balloons and, uh...
Oh, what?
Kids' stuff, birthday stuff. Good stuff.
We can go to the 6 and 10.
Will you do it?
I'd like to.
I'm sort of-sort of...
I found my image.
I got my wheels.
I'm gonna ask her to the prom.
Go! Right now!
Where are we going?
Peanut, there are just some things
a brother must do alone.
Oh, yes
I'm the great pretender.
Ooh, ooh.
Pretending that I'm doing well.
Ooh, ooh.
My need is such
I pretend too much
I'm lonely but no one can tell.
Oh, yes
I'm the great pretender.
Well, hi, Jack.
Well, what a surprise.
So, hey, you got a new car.
That's-that's great.
Yeah.
Ill probably, uh...
slap a new motor into her.
Good for you.
You must be very excited.
It's only a car.
Heh. So, do you want to come in?
Sit down.
Um, Jack, I'm sorry but I've
already made plans for tonight.
Um, did you wanna see me
about something?
Yeah.
Yeah, I did.
Ahem.
I, uh...
I, uh, wanted to, um...
Ahh, Look, uh...
Ahh.
I wanted to ask you, um...
Ahh.
Will you...
um...
Uh, L..uh...
I gotta go.
I really screwed up, Floyd.
I mean, I had a golden
opportunity and I blew it.
Her wall looked like someone
threw a hamburger at it.
Well, look at it this way, you
left an indelible impression.
OK, Jack, we're on our way.
Last time you went
to a convention...
Jack put me
in the washing machine.
Oh, Peanut, now don't be ridiculous.
Wash, soak and spin.
Now, I want no eating over my new rug...
and, Jack, you may have one
friend stay overnight...
and I hope it will be Floyd.
Why, thank you, Mrs Twiller.
Well, Floyd, you're a perfect gentleman...
and I know the kind of influence
that you have over Jack.
- Let's go, Kitty!
- Coming, Joe.
OK, boys, be good.
- Bye, Mom.
- Let's go!
Bye, kids!
Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, Twiller's got an empty house.
Yeah, it's a sophisticated
little gathering.
There's new records.
There's, um, dancing.
No, ne, no, nothing violent.
It's a mature crowd.
I have to call you back, all right?
Twiller, your mother will shit
a brick about this.
Gina,
Whoa, hang back.
Angelo kicks the shit out
of anyone who goes near her.
Right.
Right, OK.
Who needs her?
Welcome to the manor!
Hi, baby. How ya doing?
Hey, you wanna dance?
«No. - I'm a trained dancer.
I might surprise you.
Can you believe this?
Real, live chicks in my place.
This is the party event of the season.
Yes!
Hi, Wanda.
You look really sharp.
Don't bother me.
Did my friends get here?
Listen, you know...
- you don't know me very well.
- That's the way I wanna keep it.
No. You know, we have a lot in common.
We have a lot of the same interests.
We... We like the same music, right?
And we like the same clothes.
For instance, I really like
that dress you're wearing.
- You don't give up, do you?
- Defeat is not in my vocabulary.
Looks like a pretty wild party.
I wonder what they did
with Twiller's little brother.
- Sppt!
- Ha ha ha ha!
All right! Yes!
Saturday night and I just got paid
I'm a fool about my money,
don't try to save.
My heart says "go go, have a time"
Saturday night and I'm feelin' fine
I'm gonna rock it up
I'm gonna rip it up
I'm gonna shake it up.
- Gonna ball it up.
- Go, baby, go!
I'm gonna rock it up
and ball tonight.
Ow!
Bad.
Well, it's Saturday night
and I just got paid
I'm a fool about my money,
don't try to save.
My heart says
"go go, have a time" "cause...
Oh, no! Hal.
- Looking good, baby.
- Right through the studs.
Yeah, look at the electrical
wiring by his ear.
- Good.
- I got it.
Just don't feel good.
You OK, Spider?
You're OK.
Well, we got to tie him up
before he burns the place down.
We can't tie him up, he's a pal.
We can roll him up in the rug.
Good idea.
- Uh!
- Hey.
What's he doing with a cap pistol?
Image.
Ah. Right, Ready?
Roll.
Uh, ah,
Uh, ah, ah!
Uh... uh!
Ahh.
- You got him?
- Yeah.
Ah, that's it. I got him.
Uh!
Ahh.
That's good.
He's out of the way...
but he can still enjoy himself.
Here. Fall in love.
Ha ha. I hope you die. Ha,
Hey, Peanut. She's kinda cute.
I'm in the gang now.
A full-fledged member.
That's cool.
Och.
I'm going through
a difficult change in life.
Sincerely.
Oh, you know how I love you...
Hi.
Hi, Jack,
You have wild parties.
- Gina, over here!
- You have beautiful eyes.
Are you drunk?
- Yeah.
- Ha ha.
You wanna dance?
Oh, Lord, won't you tell me why
I love that girl so...
You know, I knew there was
areason for this party.
Oh? And what is it?
You.
I caught a glimpse of my future.
Well, you should have
a crystal ball and a turban.
Ha ha ha.
Know all, tell all.
The future is revealed.
Oh, you know how I love you...
You know, if Angelo comes
and catches us...
Hey!
You let me worry about Angelo.
Please say you'll be mine.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Oh, Lord, won't you tell me why
I love that girl so...
Do you have a pencil in your pocket?
Uh, yeah.
Ha ha.
Ahem.
Never, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Sincerely.
Oh, you know how I love you...
Look at us.
I am.
Please say you'll be mine...
- Twiller. Upstairs, looting.
- What?
Uh, pillage.
Your mother's underwear's involved.
Excuse me.
Where you going, Floyd?
Hey, what's the big deal?
Ahh.
Uhh, excuse me.
What are you doing?
Relax. Just having
a little fashion show here.
Give me that,
Are these pearls real?
I want you two girls out of here.
Back off.
No. You back off.
Whoa, calm down. Wait a minute,
Don't do anything weird.
- I'll shoot you.
- Relax. I'm taking it off.
Look, there's nothing.
I'm sorry. Jeez.
That was great.
That was... You took complete control
of the situation.
Whoa, Wait a second.
I just pointed a gun at Angelo's sister.
He... he's net going to know...
that this... this is...
This is a cap gun, Floyd.
He's going to pound
my head into pepperoni.
To hell with him.
OK. To hell with him.
- To hell with him.
- To hell with him.
I love you so
and I want you to know
- I need your love so badly.
- Ha ha ha!
Wop! Doo, doo, doo.
Doo-doo-whoa! Doo, doo, doo.
Doo-doo-wop, doo-doo-whoa
doo-doo-wop.
Uhh!
Smooth. Very smooth.
Everybody, clear.
Hey, Twiller's got a gun.
Stand back. Clear.
Twiller! Don't shoot that.
It's not a cap gun.
- Yeah, right.
- It's dangerous.
Aah!
Converted chambers. I put real bullets in
it. Asshole. Get me out of this thing.
- You're crazy.
- He's kinda cool, no?
Yeah, too cool.
Let's get out of here.
I left my sweater upstairs!
Crutch.
Bye!
Take care.
I don't know, Crutch.
I think I'm finally starting
to get it together at last.
Definitely.
I love you so and I want you to know
I need your love so badly.
You say Floyd stumbled and
his head went through the wall?
Yeah. Uh... we were,
you know, playing canasta..
And, uh, he... he tripped
over the carpet and...
put his head
right through the wall.
Hmm,
This is very strange.
Sounds very unlikely.
Yeah. It was a surprise to me too, Mom.
And the couch?
Jack, something very odd
went on in this house...
while we were gone.
All of my jewellery
and underclothes...
have been rearranged.
Could've been panty raid, Mom.
My panties are not in the habit
of being raided.
You are trash and
your friends are trash.
And, Jack...
if you do not get into some college...
I don't even care
which one any more...
You are not my son.
Oh,
Then whose son am 12.
Ahh. Mr Smart Alecs.
Twiller, I've read your career folio.
It doesn't seem realistic.
Sir?
Your career folio isn't
grounded in reality.
Now, these folios
of your fellow classmates are realistic.
They're based on what I like to call
the facts of life.
The facts of life, my boy.
The facts of life.
Now, what would you say
to a job in the button mill?
Uh, well, my... you know, my parents
want me to go to college, sir.
With your grades,
they'll have to build you one...
unless, of course,
you have any other ideas.
Um, well, I like to write.
You know, uh...
I got a vivid imagination.
Uh, Twiller, you're what
I like to call a daydreamer.
In my experience,
daydreamers don't go anywhere.
Yeah? Well, I can't believe that, sir.
Twiller, I couldn't even get
you into bird grooming school.
Bird grooming school?
- Yeah,
- Probably canaries, stuff like that?
You ask anybody yet?
You think I put off
something that important?
- My own senior prom?
- And?
26 definite turn-downs.
You know, I think Lily's
really starting to like me.
- I'm going to ask her.
- Too late. She's going with Angelo.
Are you sure?
That's what Wanda told me.
No, a... are you absolutely sure?
Yeah. I'm sorry.
Hey, let's go
by the fairgrounds on Saturday.
We might pick up some
student nurses or something.
Yeah. Yeah, maybe the bearded
lady's not doing anything.
Ice cream! Ice cream!
Should be a deeply
moving performance.
It's time for your higher
education, Peanut.
All right, fellas, enjoy the show.
Go ahead in.
Step right up, gentlemen.
Next show starts in a few minutes.
Ah, yeah. Uh, just one ticket.
- Right there.
- How old is this guy?
Oh, uh...
he's my uncle. Uh, they're all
short on his side of the family.
Yeah. Go ahead.
All right, gentlemen.
Step right up and see...
the lovely Honey Moon.
Next show is in just a few minutes.
Whether you're young,
whether you're old...
she'll make you feel the same way.
Step right up.
Don't be afraid.
The next show is in a few minutes.
Come up. Step right up here.
There's Wanda.
I'm gonna try and win her a Schmoo.
Take care of yourself.
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
Hi.
Uh, five rings, please.
Take it off, baby!
Tell your fortune, mister?
Nah,
Hot sex, one dollar.
Wanda didn't want my Schmoo.
But I got something else going.
Um, can I have extra onions on that?
Crutch, the weirdest thing
just happened to me.
This... This girl offered me
hot sex for a dollar.
Why didn't you come and get me?
Crutch, she was just like 9 years old.
So what? My cocker spaniel's only 6.
Ohh.
Gina's over there. She asked about you.
I think she's interested.
Yeah?
Yeah, ever since you
took that shot at her.
Hey, hot shot.
So where's your pistol?
Got any more wild parties planned?
What have you been drinking?
Ahem. Mouthwash.
Ha.
You're a pretty far-out guy,
you know that?
Ahem.
Tough night.
Tomorrow's another day.
OK, Maury. See ya manana.
Show's over. Go on home.
What are you looking at?
You're not like women
from around here.
Heh. That's for damn sure.
Do you think...
I could have your autograph?
Not usually my autograph
guys ask me for.
Miss Moon...
Hmm?
I feel feverish...
and disoriented.
Those are the symptoms, aren't they?
Heh.
Hey.
You're gonna be some
heartbreaker when you grow up.
Ahh, I don't think I can handle
this, Crutch,
Go on. Give her the horn.
She showed interest, didn't she?
Seize the moment.
No. I'm no good on the phone with girls.
All right. Look, I'll get you started.
"Hi, Gina. This is Jack"?
Sounds great.
Ahem.
Hi, Gina, this is Jack.
Hi, Gina, this is Jack.
Perfect.
Hi, Gina, this is Jack.
Hi, Gina, this is Jack.
Hello?
Hi, Jack, this is Gina.
Go fuck yourself.
Angelo just, uh, hung up on me.
We're not taking that crap from him.
We've got a prepared speech here.
All right. If Angelo answers the door...
don't take any shit from him, OK?
Tell him you're selling
magazine subscriptions.
OK. A... And if he hangs me upside
down over the railing...
- you know what to do, right?
- Right.
Get your car keys if they
fall out of your pocket.
Exactly.
Why don't you leave
your car keys with me?
Good idea.
Yeah?
Gina home?
No.
Uh... do you know
when she's gonna be back?
Go fuck yourself.
Angelo!
What's the matter with you?
Ahem.
Beat it out of here, idiot.
How you doing?
OK.
So what brings you up this way?
Um, I, you know, I was just,
you know, rolling by.
Don't mind Angelo.
He's just like that sometimes.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Yeah. My... My gaucho shirt
was a little small anyway.
Heh.
Room in there now
for two gauchos. Heh.
Angelo thinks he's a hero or something.
That's your convertible out there?
Uh..yeah.
Interesting.
Do you want to go to the prom?
It's only three days away.
That doesn't give me
much time, you know.
You're right. Uh... I... I don't know.
I must have written down
the days wrong or something.
Do you want to go?
You send me a corsage
or do I buy one?
I buy you one.
I mean, um...
you know, uh...
you know, that's what I heard.
The guy... the guy usually
buys the corsages.
Um... you know, but if you heard
something different, uh...
No.
All right. Heh heh.
OK.
Uh, um...
pick you up around eight?
All right. Cool. Heh.
- OK.
- Um, hey, uh...
Tell Angelo...
just lay off a little bit. He...
Oh, Angelo's really
a pussy cat, believe me. Heh.
- Yeah. Sure.
- Heh.
See ya.
Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- I'm on!
- Way to go.
Did you see me move in there
right past Angelo?
After he set you back down?
Yeah,
It looked like a really smooth move.
Heh!
Well, that's your date.
Now, what about me?
Oh. I thought you said
you were working on someone.
Mmm. It's a long sheot.
Your cummerbund, sir.
Your clip-on tie.
Your Bruce Wayne look-a-like jacket.
Your pimple cream.
Yeah. Come onin.
Ahem.
Have a seat. Gina's still getting ready.
We've just been introduced.
You... You felt that way.
You're, uh, you're taking
Lily to the prom, right?
Yeah.
No paint in picking her up yet.
She likes to take her time.
Um, how's football going? Uh,
you got, uh, a scholarship, right?
Yeah. Hey, Ma, what's keeping Gina?
We're coming!
You in a hurry?
Um, no, actually. Hell, no.
She likes to take her time too.
They all do.
Yeah. Uh, it's-it's OK by me.
She looks so beautiful!
Looks all right. Don't she, Ma?
We're very happy you're taking Gina. Heh.
She told us all about you.
You know, every boy who
graduates from Central High...
has a great future ahead of him.
And now a word from a distinguished
Central High graduate.
Here at Mid-Valley
Bird Grooming College...
you'll learn all the secrets
of a certified bird groomer.
Enrol now and enjoy prestige,
pride, and high pay...
in this unusual profession.
- Ma, I think we gotta get going.
- Yes, yes, go on, the both of you.
Have a wonderful evening.
You both look a-so nice.
Anybody lays a hand on my sister...
I kick his slats in.
Um, right. Absolutely.
And then I tear off his nose.
Yeah. Ahem.
Hold me, hold me
hold me, hold me.
Never let me go...
School motto.
You know what it means?
Yeah. Something about rectums.
Hold me, hold me
hold me, hold me.
Make me tell you
I'm in love with you.
Thrill me, thrill me
thrill me, thrill me.
Walk me down the lane
where shadows will be.
Will be, will be
Will be, will be.
Hiding lovers just
the same as we'll be.
We'll be, we'll be...
Do you wanna dance?
Sure.
.Tell you I love you.
It's a lot of skirt.
Ha ha ha.
Yeah. It's kind of big.
Well, it's not. It's gorgeous.
You're gorgeous.
You really know how to dance.
Well, you know, I-took a few lessons.
Heh.
Hey, Crutch.
They told me.
Be sensible with your new love...
Ahem. So, what did you say
you were going to do after you graduate?
Ah... um... I don't know. Um...
I could, you know, go on
to work at the button mill.
Oh, jeez. I worked there last summer.
- You don't want to go there.
- No?
- No.
- My guidance counsellor, he, uh...
he wanted me to take it.
- Yeah?
- Yeah,
Well, he doesn't know
what kind of guy you are.
Yeah?
Yeah.
What kind of guy is that?
I don't know.
Kind of original.
Kind of unique.
Miss me, miss me.
If we ever say "I do".
So kiss me, kiss me
Kiss me, kiss me.
Never, never, never let me go.
See You Later, Alligator.
Well, I saw my baby walkin'
With another man today.
Well, I saw my baby walkin'
With another man today.
When I asked her,
"What's the matter?"
This is what I heard her say.
See you later, alligator.
After 'while, crocodile.
See you later, alligator.
After 'while, crocodile.
Can't you see you're
in my way now?
Miss Stuck-up.
She acts like she
gets whatever she wants.
She even thinks she's gonna
become a lawyer or something.
Ah, she can have what she wants,
Wanna dance?
Yeah.
See you later, alligator.
After 'while, crocodile.
See you later, alligator.
After 'while, crocodile.
Can't you see you're
in my way now?
Can't you see you cramp my style?
She said, I'm sorry, pretty daddy.
You know my love is just for you.
She said, I'm sorry, pretty daddy.
You know my love is just for you.
Won't you say that you forgive me.
And say your love for me is true
I said wait a minute, 'gator.
You know you mean it just for play
I said, wait a minute, 'gator
I know you mean it just for play.
Don't you know
you really hurt me.
And this is what I have to say.
It's a time for joy.
A time for tears.
A time we'll treasure
through the years.
- We'll remember...
- Well...
I guess tonight it
all comes to an end, huh?
I mean, I get my diploma...
I can walk straight out
into the world...
and get a job at Carvel
peeling bananas.
No. You'll find something.
- Yeah?
- Yeah,
You're right. I mean
there's got to be a college out there...
that-that's looking for a guy
with a vivid imagination. Heh.
Yeah.
Meanwhile, I...
I got my wheels,
I got my buddies...
I got, uh...
Uhh!
You don't have to be home
yet or anything, do you?
No. My mom knows
a prom date lasts all night.
I thought maybe we'd drive by the Lookout
and check out the situation.
Yeah. You can see
real good from up there.
Oh, yeah.
- You can see the whole city, like...
- Right, right. It's a hell of a view.
Yeah. Ahem.
What the hell?
What's wrong?
- The lights.
- I saw.
Like that.
I better check this out.
Uhh.
Ahh. Why are you doing this to me?
It's my big night.
Ahh.
Ow!
This is the headlight wire
right here, ain't it?
Uh..yeah.
This wire's all rusted through.
Oh, Well, it was under water for a while.
You're fucked, pal.
I'll tell you what...
I'll drive, you shine the flashlight.
OK.
Ah, - Heh heh.
All right,
This is no big deal.
I mean, anyone can drive
with their lights on, right?
Ha. Right. Ha.
We'll just stay right in the middle.
Hey! Hey, slow down!
Hey, he can't see us, Jack!
Hey, stupid! Slow down!
- Aah!
- Aah!
Ha ha ha ha!
Ain't this something?
- We'll make it.
- All right. Let's go!
This is a real kick.
I love it.
Yeah. Unforgettable touch.
You know, I'm not nervous any more.
The prom made me nervous.
Could you tell?
Ah, I was kinda nervous too.
Yeah?
Oh, yeah.
Now it's just the two of us
against the odds, right?
Right.
Yeah.
Heh heh.
What can I do?
Ahem.
So, uh, what are you
gonna do for the summer, Gina?
Uh... I'm working at Luna Pizza.
- Luna Pizza?
- Yeah,
um...
Uh, that's a really...
uh, good crust. Um...
Very, uh...
crisp... actually.
Ha. Yeah.
Ahem.
God, look at the moon,
It's beautiful, ain't it?
Yeah.
I'm-I'm glad we get to see it, you know?
Just... to kinda remember it.
Yeah. To kinda look back on.
Yeah. A souvenir, like.
Yeah. Souvenir.
Oh, oh, how will it feel?
So, you've been thinking
about college, right?
Oh, yeah.
That... That whole college thing
just gets me down.
So, if you could do anything
you wanted...
like, right now,
what would you want to do?
Anything.
Ha ha!
Not like right this moment. I mean...
maybe next week or something.
Um...
Uh, wow.
- Yeah.
- Uh... l guess. Um, yeah.
I'd like to travel or see the country.
Yeah. I know what you mean.
That's what I'd want
to do if I was graduating.
But if I do...
my mother says she's going
to hang herself in the attic.
Ha! She won't.
No, no, she will.
They never do.
Oh, what canl.
Do, do, do, do,
do, do, do, do-do.
What can I do?
Hey, we've got a winner here!
OK. I owe you five bucks.
Thanks.
- Well!
- It's about time!
Hey, Twiller! What
took you so long, man?
Hey, how'd it go?
I just got back.
I just took her an home.
Yeah? Did you score?
Come on, guys. On a prom date?
Hey.
How'd you guys do?
- Ohh.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, fantastic.
- 4 or b times.
Yeah.
- Ha ha ha.
- So wanna go for aride?
Oh, th-the tank's almost empty.
Hey, not any more.
Ha ha ha!
All right. Let's go!
Come on, baby,
let the good times roll.
Come on, baby,
let me thrill your soul.
Come on, baby,
let the good times roll.
Spider, this is a sensitive machine.
Come on baby, yes, this is...
- Ha ha!
- We graduated!
- We're moving on and moving up!
- The world's our fucking oyster!
Here we go! Here we go!
Och, all night long.
And now the future is revealed.
For starters, I finally landed Lily.
It was the night of the prom
which she saw me with Gina that did it.
Uh... we did net live
happily ever after.
And the rest of the gang?
Well, Crutch. Crutch, God bless him...
he's my lawyer. An expert in all
kinds of unfortunate accidents.
And Spider?
Spider did, in fact,
marry arich old lady...
who's soft in the head.
Floyd landed just where you
might guess he would.
Bedded down, so to speak.
Teaching poetry
at a girls' school back east.
And Peanut,
thanks to questionable influence...
he's now producing
showgirl revues in Vegas.
As for me, that vivid
imagination served me well...
and I became a writer after all.
And right now I think I'm ready...
to write a hot new chapter
in my own book of love.
See you later, alligator.
Baby, rock me all night long.
Come on, baby,
let the good times roll.
Come on, baby,
let me thrill your soul.
Come on, baby,
let the good times roll.
Roll on all night long.
I wonder, wonder, who, oh, who.
Who wrote the book of love?
I wonder, wonder, wonder.
Who wrote the book of love?
I wonder, wonder, wonder.
Who wrote the book of love?
Tell me, baby.
Who wrote the book of love?
Got to know the answer.
Was it someone from above?
I love you, darlin'
Oh, you know I do.
Tryin' to see this book of love.
Find out if it's true
I wonder, wonder, who, oh, who.
Who wrote the book of love?
Somebody tell me
who wrote the book of love.
And if you know,
can I take a look?
So I can find out what to do.
If love comes around,
cos I don't have a clue.
How would I make
a girl all mine?
Mmm, well, let me flip
through the book till I find.
This info, cos I need to know.
Tell me who wrote the book of love
I wonder, wonder,
who, whoo-ooh-who.
Who wrote the book of love?
Gonna shock you in a minute.
Aw, come on, man.
You don't know diddly.
Come on, I'm gonna shock
you in a minute.
You think you wrote the book of love?
Come on, prove it to me,
play that guitar now
I'm gonna shock you in a minute,
now, come on.
You ain't shocked me yet.
Come on, play that guitar, man.
Come on,
gonna shock you in a minute
I hear ya.
Gettin' busy in the place.
Come on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I wonder who wrote this book of love.
Gos my whole life has been a story of.
Relationships where you get the blues.
Lookin' for a girl
that can blow my fuse.
So let me read a page or two.
And if that works out,
read all the way through.
Gos this info I would love to know.
So, tell me,
who wrote the book of love?
I wonder, wonder who, oh, who.
Who wrote the book of
I wonder, wonder, wonder.
Who wrote the book of love?
I wonder, wonder, wonder.
Who wrote the book of love?
Love
I wonder, wonder, wonder.
Who wrote the book of love?
Don't you understand? I wrote it
I wonder, wonder, wonder.
Who wrote the book of love?
I wrote that, I say, I wrote that
I wonder, wonder, wonder.
Who wrote the book of love?
I wonder, wonder, wonder.
Who wrote the book of love?
1 wrote the book of love
I wonder, wonder, wonder.
Who wrote the book of love?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I wonder, wonder, wonder.
I- wrote it, man,