Body Fever (1969) - full transcript

(eerie music)

(suspenseful music)

- Fergeson, if this is
some kind of a joke,

I'm not laughing.

Now, you listen to
me, you imbecile!

Are you telling me
some girl went in there

and stole that stuff
from under your nose?

Carrie Erskine!

Who the hell cares
about Carrie Erskine?

If she sucked you in,
that's your tough luck,

but I'm not gonna take the loss!



I don't care if
you never find her,

as far as I'm concerned,
Fergeson, you're dead.

Dead!

All right, everybody out.

When I say out, I mean out!

Out!

- Me too, Big Mack?

- Yes, you too, get out!

Not you, sit down.

You stay.

I wanna talk to you.

- I do something
wrong, Big Mack?

- Not you, Fergeson.

You know that money I gave
him to buy that stuff?



That secretary of his, what's
her name, Carrie Erskine.

She stole it right
from under his nose.

I want you to get him.

You find Fergeson and kill him.

You kill him good!

- Right, boss.

But, boss, I think you're
making a big mistake.

- What did you say?

- I ain't as smart as you, boss,

but if you knock off Fergeson,
then we lose the stuff.

But if he's alive,
there's a chance

that we may be able
to get it back.

- That's right,
that's a good point.

Real good point.

Okay, you find
Fergeson, tell him

he's got three days to
get that stuff back.

If he doesn't, it's gonna
be his last three days.

You got that?

- Right, boss.

- I like what you do when
you're using your head.

You used a lot of
initiative, (mumbles).

He's all right, he's not
such a dummy after all.

(phone ringing)

- Answer the phone,
will you, Charlie?

Come on, it could be a job.

- I don't like to work
this early in the morning.

- You should consider it.

You are broke.

- If you were the right
kind of secretary,

you wouldn't mention that fact.

Somebody's liable to hear ya.

- [Stella] I'll
answer the phone.

- No, no, don't do that, Stella.

I wanna go down and spend
a weekend at my boat.

- Great.

Now that's the
advantage of working

for a private investigator.

I just have to run by
my house and change.

- Stella, I wanted to spend the
weekend by myself, you know?

- Well, in that case,
I'll answer the phone.

Probably a wrong number, anyway.

- Well, since I'm already awake,

I think I'll get an early start

and drive right on
down at the old pier.

- Oh, uh, did you forget you
don't have a car anymore?

- Oh yes, the friendly
finance company got me again.

- Sure you don't wanna
change your mind?

It's a long walk to the pier.

- In case whoever
that was calls back,

tell them I want
front money, you know?

- Cash on the line, eh, Charlie?

- That's right, Stella,
cash on the line.

- Tell me, Boy Genius,
'til you get some cash,

how do you plan to get to
your precious, little boat?

(playful music)

- [Charlie] Okay, you got
my name, Charlie Smith.

Now here it is,
7:32 in the morning,

and I'm tired and I'm cold.

If I had any brains at all,
I'd be back there with Stella,

but man, she is just so unreal.

I mean, whoever heard
of a chick waking up

and looking like that,
not a hair out of place?

I like a funky broad,
who lets you know

what a really rotten
night's sleep she's had.

Well, someday I'll make it,
and I'll have the finer things.

In the meantime, I get by
on the necessary luxuries.

Take my boat for
example, The Rogue,

that's my security thing.

It lets me say to myself, "I'm
a lousy private detective,

"with a lousy, little sailboat,
but it gives me class."

And you know, nobody
outside of Stella

knows I've got her stashed here.

Nobody comes around
and nobody bothers me.

No finance company's
gonna get this one.

They got Charlie's
wheels, but they're not

gonna get Charlie's
little sailboat.

(mysterious music)

- Good morning, I'm looking
for a Mr. Charles Smith.

- What do you want him for?

- I have to see him in
person, it's quite private.

- I'm Charlie Smith.

What is it?

- I've lost someone and
I want you to find her.

Two thousand dollars now,
and one more on delivery.

- Who are you?

- Harris Fergeson.

- What's so important
that you wanna

spend three grand to find her?

- Her name is Carrie Erskine.

Call me at this number
when you find her,

and only then.

- I didn't say I
was gonna do it.

- You have exactly three days.

And one thousand
dollars per day.

- Well, I'm gonna
need some information.

- It's all here.

Remember, exactly three days.

- Three days, three
thousand dollars.

Okay, where have you
heard that one before?

Well, it looks like
real money, at least.

And the elusive Carrie Erskine

seems dangerous
enough to be fun.

What the hell, why not?

Fritz, the photographer,
is the first name

to contact on the list.

So, Charlie, go find Fritz.

See Fritz snap his pictures.

Ask Fritz nice questions about
the dangerous Miss Erskine.

What am I really doing out here?

I'll tell you.

Fritz takes pictures of
fast girls and fast cars,

so where is he?

Maybe this is Fritz, maybe not.

No, I think not,
this one is Moose.

Moose knows where Fritz is,
but Moose is saying zero.

That's what I like about people,

they bend over backward
to help each other.

Sir, my name is
Mr. Charlie Smith,

I've come to repossess
the race car.

No, no, they
wouldn't believe me.

A lot of my very
best professional

decision-making is
just plain hunches.

So, since Fritz
isn't on the flat,

then he must be in the woods.

Now, when old Charlie
gets on the trail,

he's not turning back
'til he gets his man,

or his wo-man.

I've gotta earn my
thousand dollars a day

from that, uh, Mr.
Harris Fergeson.

So, now, just watch
how I work here,

and kinda take notes, because
I'm only gonna do it once.

Fritz?

- Yeah, I'm Fritz.

- I'm Charlie Smith.

- Yeah, well, congratulations.

We only hire female
models around here,

why don't you try one
of the agencies in town?

- No, that's all
right, look, I was told

you might be able
to help me find

a girl by the name
of Carrie Erskine.

- Carrie Erskine?

- Yeah, I understood that she--

- What do you want with her?

- Well, I understand
she used to work for you

and I've gotta friend--

- Yeah, she used to.

- Well, I've gotta friend
that would like to hire her.

- What is he?

A photographer or something?

- Well, yeah.

Now, d'you know where
I could find her?

- Uh uh.

- Come on, Fritz, I
wanna go home, it's cold.

- Are you sure you don't know--

- I am positive, believe
me, I am positive,

I don't know a damned
thing about Carrie Erskine.

- Yup.

- Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've got one, two, three girls

working over here, we're
all on overtime, and--

- Now, can you tell me
where I can find her?

- She used to have
a roommate named,

uh, Carol, Carol Hollister.

They lived in a
little, white house

about a mile down the
road, over on the left.

You go over there to--

- Carol Hollister--

- You might be able to find her.

- A mile down, on the
left, white house.

- [Fritz] White house.

- Thanks, Fritz.

- Yeah, well, you
know, same to you.

- You should have told him
Frankie Roberts is there.

- You know how Frankie
hates to be disturbed.

- Ain't no way, baby.

You get nothing for nothing.

- Please!

(maniacal laughing)

Please, Frankie.

Just something to help me.

That's all I want.

- Oh, baby, you know,
you don't look so good,

when you're all strung out.

Come here a second, let
me take a look at you.

Come here.

Come here.

(screams)

- [Charlie] There it is,
the little white house,

a mile down the
road, right on cue.

Carol Hollister, sounds
like a real winner.

I hope I won't be intruding
on her beauty rest.

- You go find out who it is.

Wait a minute,
don't open the door!

- [Charlie] Hmm, could be she's
away on a trip, I suppose.

- Yes?

- Carol Hollister?

- She's gone, she's
not here anymore.

- I'm actually looking
for Carrie Erskine.

I was told you might know
where I could find her.

- I don't know
anybody by that name.

I'm sorry, I'm
sorry, I can't help.

- Well, what about
Carol Hollister then?

- I'm sorry, I can't help you.

- Thanks.

- Don't I deserve something
for getting rid of the guy?

- Yeah, baby, you're
gonna get yours.

Sweet water and sunshine.

Get me my case.

(dramatic music)

- Two thousand dollars?

In advance?

- Uh huh, and he promised me

another thousand
when I find her.

- He must want that Carrie
Erskine awfully bad.

- Yup.

- You weren't gone
twenty minutes

this morning, before he called.

- I wasn't at the
boat ten minutes,

before he showed up.

- I said, "Mr. Fergeson,
Mr. Smith will not see you,

"unless you put
cash on the line."

- Well, here it is!

And for being such a good girl,

why don't you take a couple
hundred and go shopping?

I'll see you Monday morning.

I wanna check out a few
more names in this list.

- Okay, Charlie, but
you be careful now.

Extra careful.

See you Monday morning,

boss.

(mysterious music)

- Where's the stuff?

- Oh, it's you.

- Where's the stuff?

- I don't have it.

- What do you mean
you don't have it?

You gotta have it!

I gotta have the
drugs sold already!

- Sorry, somebody stole it.

- What are you trying to pull?

- Nothing!

It's gone and that's
all there is to it.

- Who could've took it?

- I don't know.

- Suppose I tell Fergeson and
Big Mack where to find you?

- How would you like
me to tell Fergeson

and Big Mack that you
were in it with me?

- Well, you're the one
they're looking for.

- Well, they won't find me.

- Maybe they won't,
but Charlie Smith will.

- Charlie Smith?

Who's Charlie Smith?

- You don't know, do you?

- He's the snoop that Fergeson
hired to track you down!

- Oh, is that so?

- You double-crosser, you're
lying to me! (mumbles)

- Or I could not
blow your head off.

- You'd do that to me?

To me?

- [Carrie] Just
say goodbye, Brett.

- Carrie?

- Goodbye, Brett.

- You're gonna hear
from me, Carrie!

You hear?

You're gonna hear!

- Carrie Erskine,
Carrie Erskine,

I've never heard of her.

I think I'm beginning
to hear her.

- Come on, Waco,
do you know her?

- Yeah, yeah, I know Carrie.

- [Charlie] Well, when was
the last time you saw her?

- I saw her about
three weeks ago.

She was with a man
called Big Mack.

- Big Mack?

- Yeah, Big Mack, they
call him Big Mack.

He's a big man syndicate.

- [Charlie] Now,
how do I find him?

- Well, he's got a pool hall
down Hollywood Boulevard

and Bronson, and I'm pretty sure

you could get in
touch with him there.

- Thanks, Waco.

- Yeah, man, hey look,
if you gotta few minutes.

Girls?

- I think I'll take
a rain check, okay?

- Suit yourself,
man, suit yourself.

- [Charlie] All right, you can
imagine a guy named Big Mack.

I mean, it has to be
written all over his face.

A mug anyone could
spot anywhere.

- [Brett] Thatta boy, you
hit the whole bunch of them.

- [Big Mack] Twenty
dollars says you

don't make the next shot.

- You got it.

- Both eyes open.

- [Charlie] Don't
see Big Mack in here.

No problem, I guess.

Some harmless guys,
a good game of pool,

with their cool talk.

You watch me handle this one.

- You mind if I play at
this table over here?

- That's Big Mack's table.

He doesn't like
strangers using it.

- Well, Big Mack,
he's a friend of mine.

- Oh, well, in that case,
help yourself to a cue.

- Thanks.

- You know Big Mack, huh?

- Yeah, a long, long time.

He's a real sweet, little guy.

- Yeah, that he is, a
real sweet, little guy.

- [Brett] Oh you mother--

- The white ball,
idiot, the white ball.

- I'll play with you.

- Last time I saw Big Mack
was about 3 weeks ago,

we were out with a
couple of chicks.

- Oh, that Big Mack!

A real ladies man, huh?

- What's your name?

- Big Mack.

(laughing)

You're all right!

You hear that fellas?

- I understand there's
a lot of good-looking

chicks in this neighborhood.

- Yeah, blue eyes,
brown eyes, 6'2", 5'2",

you just name it,
anything you want.

What would you like?

- I hear there's a hot one by
the name of Carrie Erskine.

- Funny, Carrie Erskine.

You gotta sense of humor,
boy, you got very good taste.

Very good taste.

Hey, you all right?

You don't look so good.

Hey Brett!

Better get him outside,
he don't look so good.

- [Brett] All right,
pal, let's go.

I said out!

- If you see Carrie Erskine,

I'd like to get my
hands on her, myself.

A real sweet girl.

- I know you're Charlie Smith.

If you wanna stay
alive long enough

to spend that dough
Fergeson gave you,

you better not come here
alone, you understand?

You understand?

- Peace, man.

(dramatic music)

(phone ringing)

- Fergeson's Imports.

- I wanna talk to
Harris Fergeson.

- Mr. Fergeson ain't, uh,
I mean, he isn't here.

- Well, what time will he be in?

- I don't know
when he'll be back.

Something I could do for you?

- Who are you?

- I'm in charge while Mr.
Fergeson's out of town.

- Look, I need to talk to him.

- Well, look, he'll be
back in a couple of days

to close a deal, catch
him sometime on Monday.

- Thanks, have a nice weekend.

- Who is this?

Who was he to tell me
to have a nice weekend?

- The end of the first day,

but it's with tomorrow
that I wrestle now.

And two falls out of three
will name the winner,

a poem by Charlie Smith.

The man said, "You play it
your way, I'll play it mine."

That's some genuine,
impartial advice

from the real pro in this game.

I mean, my whole life
has been a movie,

but I keep getting
the reels mixed up.

Just look what we've
managed to do here, already.

So, Charlie's made up his mind.

He's either gonna pull
through or pull out.

It's with today
that I wrestle now,

and I'm not alone.

Charlie Smith is
not alone today.

Coley, what happened to
all your washing machines?

- Well, I'll tell you, Charlie.

People kept coming in
here and stealing my soap,

using phoney nickels
and quarters,

broke the machines.

And you know, you can't pay
rent with a phoney quarter.

So it's a wrap-up, I'm just
sitting here, waiting now

on the water man to come down

and see that the
water's all cut off.

- Where you gonna go?

- I don't know that.

- Have you got any money at all?

- Not really.

- Can I give you some?

- No, no.

- Come on, Coley, you've
done me a lot of favors,

let me give you a couple bucks.

- No, no.

- [Charlie] Come on, Coley.

- Thanks anyway, no,
Charlie, that's fine.

It's very kind of you, but--

- Coley, let me
tell you something.

Somebody offers you
some money, you take it.

Come on.

Okay, we're friends, eh?

Come on.

Okay?

- Thanks, Charlie.

I won't forget this.

- I know you won't.

- That's very nice of you.

- You gotta place to stay?

- [Coley] Yeah, I'm staying
up the street, with a friend.

- You're not kidding?

You really have a place?

- [Coley] Yeah, I
have a place, Charlie.

- Because if you don't, I got
a boat by the pier, San Pedro.

- Oh yes, I know.

Well, that's mighty kind of you.

I might, just take you
up on that some time.

- You take care of yourself.

- [Coley] Okay.

- All right?

- [Coley] You do
the same, Charlie.

- Stop by in a day or so.

- Okay, good, okay
buddy, good luck to you.

- Coley's one of
the all-time greats.

The only one looking
for him is somebody

with a wooden quarter.

Back to the list.

A girl named Shawn Call, an
old friend of Carrie Erskine's.

They used to dance together
in a chorus line in Las Vegas.

Now it's a bit questionable
as to her trade.

(knocking)

- What do you want?

- I'm looking for Shawn Call.

- That's me.

What time is it, anyway? Hm?

Don't you know
it's kind of early

to be banging on a girl's door?

- Well, it's almost noon.

- I'm going down
to check the mail.

You can walk with
me if you want.

- [Charlie] Look, I'm
sorry to bother you,

but I'm looking for a
Miss Carrie Erskine.

Do you know her?

- I, uh, used to.

Why?

- Well, do you know
how I could find her?

- [Shawn] No.

- Well, do you know
anybody who knows

where I could find her?

- No.

- Look, sweetheart,
something tells me

you know a lot more
than what you're saying.

- [Shawn] Who are you?

- Smith, Charlie Smith.

I am what people call
a private detective.

- A cop, I knew it.

- No, no, I am not a cop.

I am a private detective.

There is quite a difference.

- You don't look like
a detective to me.

I've seen movies.

- Hm?

- Hm.

- [Charlie] I guess
there's not much

you can tell me about
Carrie Erskine, huh?

- Why don't you come back later?

We could have more time to talk.

Say along about ten-ish.

- [Charlie] Okay.

- Okay.

- Okay.

Okay!

(upbeat music)

- Who's the creep?

- Nobody.

Just a guy, selling
magazine subscriptions.

- Are you sure Fergeson
didn't send him?

He didn't look right to me.

- Well, how am I
supposed to know?

Fergeson is your boss, not mine.

- Carrie Erskine?

I haven't heard
her name in months!

Take a look around, man.

I got so many chicks, I
can't keep track of them all.

See what I mean?

Thanks, doll.

- Anything else you'd like?

- [Wade] Not right now.

- So anyway, I understood
that you were her agent.

- Yeah, but in the
movie business,

you gotta have patience.

All she cared about was
making big money fast.

- Can you give me any
kind of a lead at all?

- Yeah, check with
Julie Richards.

- [Charlie] Julie Richards?

- She's an actress
I used to handle.

A real head.

You can find her at, uh,
1235 Sunshine Terrace.

- [Charlie] What's the
best way to get there?

- It's about four
miles this way.

Just above Ventura Boulevard.

- Thanks a lot, Wade.

- Yeah.

- Save yourself a lot of breath!

- Yeah?

Good.

Well, if I'm gonna save
myself a lot of breath, Herb,

you must be getting
that stuff awfully

cheap to undersell
Frankie Roberts.

And if you're getting
that stuff awfully cheap,

you gotta be stealing
it, old buddy.

Who are you stealing it from?

Your boss? Fergeson? Are
you stealing from Fergeson?

- What do you care who
I'm stealing it from?

What do you care what I'm doing

as long as you're gonna save
yourself a lot of bread?

- What do I care, Herb?

- What?

- You see this?

Frankie Roberts did the damage,

right to my mouth, he
knocked the tooth out.

I like all the teeth in
my mouth, at all times.

I'm missing one, I learned my
lesson from Frankie Roberts.

It's as simple as that.

- If you got no
guts, (mumbles) --

- When it comes to
Frankie Roberts,

you better believe I
don't have any guts.

Besides that, Herb, why don't
you just do yourself a favor,

for once in your life,
do yourself a favor.

- What?

- Give up, no Herb, you're
never gonna make it.

Give up.

- I can't talk to you any more.

- [Fritz] You never could, Herb.

No communication,
Herb, none at all.

You don't listen
to a thing I say.

- Later, Fritz.

(slow, mysterious music)

- Julie?

I was told you could help
me find Carrie Erskine.

- Carrie?

I know Carrie.

- When was the last
time you saw her?

- About a week ago.

Are you a bird?

- A what?

- A bird, you know?

- A bird?

- Bird's fly.

Do you wanna fly?

- I don't know, I don't know.

- If you can fly, maybe
you'll find Carrie.

- Okay, so make me into a bird.

- Right, I'll teach you to fly.

It's really very easy.

All you gotta do is
spread your wings

and go!

And when you get good at it,

you can swoop and turn

and fly!

Do you still wanna find Carrie?

- Carrie who?

- If you wanna find Carrie,
see Frankie Roberts,

her ex-boyfriend.

(upbeat rock music)

- You looking for someone?

- Frankie Roberts.

- We don't like
strangers around here.

What's your name?

- Charlie Smith.

- That's a good one.

What would a Charlie Smith
want with Frankie Roberts?

- I'm looking for
Carrie Erskine.

- Carrie Erskine, I
haven't seen her in weeks.

As long as you're here, why
don't you grab yourself a drink?

- [Charlie] Shawn Call.

- Charlie Smith.

- What are you doing here?

- What are you doing here?

- Are you alone?

- Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm?

Say, you don't have a date
tonight, about 10 o'clock?

- Mm-hmm.

- Are you leaving it too late?

- [Shawn] Carrie Erskine?

- [Charlie] Mm-hmm.

- She is Miss Bad
News of the day.

- Why do you say that?

- Because.

I don't wanna talk about Carrie.

- What does she have to
do with Frankie Roberts?

What does he do?

- What does he do?

I'll tell you what he does.

Frankie Roberts gets
up in the morning

and he reads the
papers, you know,

murders, rapes, yucky news.

- He's a real swinger.

You mean to tell me he
doesn't know where she's at?

- No.

- A guy like that wouldn't
know how to find her, hm?

- Well.

- [Charlie] Well, can you
tell me where she's at?

- [Shawn] No, don't (mumbles).

- [Charlie] Why not?

- [Shawn] Because.

- Why don't we get
out of here? Come on.

You wanna leave?

(romantic music)

Where is Carrie now?

- Sorry, Charlie.

- Hey.

Where's Fergeson?

- [Herb] Cooling it, I don't
know, what do you want?

- He said he'd have
something for me.

- [Herb] I'm in charge tonight
and I ain't got nothing.

- He out on a run, or what?

- [Herb] I don't know.

- Has anybody been around,
looking for Carrie?

- I ain't seen nobody.

- I'll be back, tomorrow.

- He ain't gonna
be here tomorrow.

He'll be here Monday.

- I'll need about ten keys.

- Ten keys, twenty keys,
you bring the money Monday.

- Monday.

- [Shawn] All right, Charlie.

I'll tell you how
to find Carrie.

But let me warn you, she is
a very, very strange girl.

- So, this is where
Carrie Erskine lives.

Considering what
Fergeson is paying me,

I wouldn't care if
Vilma Banky lived here.

Now, what was that
room number again?

Someday, I'm just gonna have
to learn to write things down.

Someday, I'm just gonna
have to learn to write.

Well, seven's as good as any.

- [Woman] Come in.

(suspenseful music)

- Fergeson sent you, didn't he?

- Say, who's the
real detective here?

- Why does he want me?

- He didn't say.

- As simple as that.

- That's the way it
goes in my business.

- How would you like
to earn $75,000?

- Uh, that would be nice.

Seventy-five thousand...

What do I have to do?

- The reason why
Fergeson wants me,

is because I stole $150,000
of uncut heroin from him.

- That's a good enough reason.

What does Fergeson
do for a front?

- Furniture import, why?

- Just curious.

He must bring the
stuff in from Mexico.

- Oh, he gets it
across the border

in that bulky Mexican furniture.

I was working for him for about
a year before I found out.

- How did you ever get
the heroin from him?

- Practice.

Watching, waiting.

I played the sweet, efficient
secretary in the outer office,

until late one evening,
Fergeson and his strongmen

weren't around, so I took it.

- [Charlie] $150,000
of pure, uncut heroin?

Just like that.

- [Carrie] Not exactly.

- [Charlie] You have
the stuff, don't you?

- [Carrie] No.

- [Charlie] You've
already gotten rid of it?

- [Carrie] No.

- [Charlie] Then what happened?

- [Carrie] It was
stolen from me.

- [Charlie] Stolen?

By who?

- A pusher who was going
to help sell it for me.

He said he could
get a good price.

His name is Frankie Roberts.

He said he would kill
me or have me killed,

if I told Fergeson and
Fergeson's after me

because he still things
I have his heroin.

Then you come along, I'm in
the middle, I can't move.

I'm all alone.

Are we partners, Charlie?

- Honey, for $75,000
each, we are partners.

Now, you just take me to
Frankie Roberts, okay?

(tense music)

Okay, let's go.

Where is it?

- It's over there under
that pile of wood.

In a brown satchel.

- I've gotta admit, no one
would think of looking in here!

I got it.

- Frankie?

Hey!

(uplifting music)

(mumbles)

- We're rich!

I'll take my half now!

That way.

- Who was it?

- They one who with
Shawn at the party.

- Where is he?

- Who?

Where's who?

What are you talking about?

- The snoop?

The guy wearing the sneakers!

You tell me where he
is and I'll let you go.

He took the stuff.

He walked right into the house

and he took the stuff, like
he knew exactly where it was!

Now, you tell me where
your boyfriend is!

- I don't know.

I don't know!

No, no!

He lives down at the har--

He lives down at the harbor
in a boat called The Rogue.

- If I don't get it
back, baby, you're dead.

- That's my boat over there.

- [Carrie] That man,
that's Frankie Roberts.

- It sure is, we better move.

(suspenseful music)

- You're dead, sleuth!

You're dead!

- [Charlie] He's been shot.

- [Carrie] But who?

- I don't know.

If we don't get out of here,
we may be next, come on.

I can't figure out
who shot Frankie.

- It could have been Fergeson.

- [Charlie] Then why
didn't he shoot us?

- I don't know but I don't
wanna worry about it now.

- [Charlie] Well, I am.

Where, when did the cleaner's
say my clothes would be ready?

- In 24 hours.

- [Charlie] In 24 hours?

But what are we gonna
do for 24 hours?

- What do you think?

- Hmm.

24 hours.

I just can't figure out
who shot Frankie Roberts.

He must have been a good shot,

to shoot somebody that
far away from a person.

Is Fergeson a good shot?

- No.

(romantic music)

- [Charlie] Yeah?

- [Cleaner] Mr. Smith? Cleaners.

- [Charlie] How
much do I owe ya?

- [Cleaner] Two fifty.

- [Charlie] Here,
keep the change.

- [Cleaner] Sweet, thanks.

- What do you say
we go for a walk

and get some air, huh?

We'll do some thinking
about the (mumbles).

It's bugging me.

Come on, let's go, huh?

Okay?

Some people just don't
seem to do anything right.

Some people just can't
make a day worthwhile,

not even one minute.

It seems they don't even
wanna give it a try.

The minute they wake
up, if they wake up,

they hit the bottle.

They're not even cheating,

they're just losing
so they can die.

- They all have different
reasons for being like that.

- Well, I'm sure
they're all good ones.

- [Carrie] If we sell the stuff,
we won't have any worries.

- I, uh, I wanted to
talk to you about that.

- What do you mean?

- I mean that I don't wanna
wind up like Frankie Roberts.

- Why do you say that?

- Because Fergeson
would follow us

and our little
treasure chest here,

right across the seven seas.

- He'll never find us.

- I'm not gonna
give him a chance.

I'm gonna make him a deal.

- What kind of a deal?

- Fifty - fifty.

- No!

- Yes.

It's all set, I'm gonna meet him

at his house in about an hour.

You wanna come along?

Suit yourself.

- Do you think we could destroy

all the Fergeson's in the world?

- Now that sounds like something
Cleopatra would have said.

Why don't you wait for
me at the hotel, okay?

- Whatever you say, Charlie.

Whatever you say, Charlie Smith.

Charlie Smith, the pirate.

Charlie Smith, the fish.

- Coley, you gotta
do me a favor.

This bag, you're the only
one I know I can trust,

you gotta take care of it
for me, until I get back.

I'm only gonna be
gone a little while.

Please, keep your eye on it

and don't let anybody
have it, okay?

- Okay, Charlie, I'll do it.

- I can trust you,
I can depend on you?

- Positively.

(mysterious music)

- [Charlie] It looks like
Fergeson keeps a messy house.

Now, let's see, if I was
Bogart, what would I do?

Probably get the
hell out of here.

I somehow get the feeling
someone didn't like Fergeson.

I thought he was
rather generous.

I wonder why anyone would
wanna cut his throat.

Well, one thing's for sure,

whoever killed him left
all the doors open.

(upbeat guitar music)

(dramatic music)

When in doubt, there's nothing

like a cool drink to
refresh your mind.

I mean, this is
getting to be like

watching the Late
Late Show on TV.

Beer, pretzels, stiffs.

The only thing is, I
feel like I'm the movie

and somebody's watching me.

I guess it's about
time to call Carrie.

(phone ringing)

Why is it whenever you want
a chick, she's not home?

Everything okay?

- Okay, Charlie.

- Any problems?

- None whatsoever.

- Really, nothing?

- Not a thing, Charlie.

- You're sure.

- Positive.

- Take care.

- It was a pleasure, see you.

- Pal, what did you,
uh, what was in that bag

that you gave that guy?

- I don't know.

- Look, here's a
couple of bucks,

I'll ask the same
question again,

what was in the bag
you gave that guy?

- And I'll answer the same
way again, I don't know.

- You're just gonna
dummy up, huh?

(suspenseful music)

- [Charlie] Give
me the bag, man.

- Look, I don't
wanna slice you up.

Now move.

- What if I don't?

- Then you're gonna end
up like a little piece

of sliced up meat in
a butcher shop window.

Just like my ex-boss,
Fergeson, did.

Now, move, I've had my eye on
this stuff for a long time.

Move!

- You don't mind if I take
your little toy with me?

If I could go through just one
day without being confused,

life would be much simpler.

- No, no!

- Nobody double-crosses
and gets away with it.

I'm gonna knock your brains out.

- I did it, it wasn't my fault.

- What the hell's going on here?

- Smith!

Just the man I'm looking--

(dramatic music)

- Are you all right, Charlie?

- Come on, let's
get out of here.

- Mommy, there's a
man on the floor.

- When Big Mack likes
somebody, he likes them,

he goes all the way with them.

Just remember that, sweetheart.

Now, when Big Mack says he
likes someone, he likes 'em.

And when he likes 'em,
they can do no wrong.

Big Mack likes you.

Yeah, he likes you a lot.

Do you like Big Mack?

- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, that's lovely.

I love you.

(phone ringing)

Oh!

Yeah?

- It's Sammy.

- Where are you?

- Well, look out your window,
I'm across the street.

- What's on your mind?

- Have you got it?

- Listen, we can't
talk on this phone.

What's your number over there?

Just a second, you got a pencil?

Write this down, go ahead.

Two, seven, six, three,
three, eight, eight.

Right, I got it.

(phone ringing)

- Sammy here.

- All right, we can talk now.

- Look, I wanna
talk to you about

the stuff Fergeson picked up.

- We'll talk about that later,

I got Brett working on it.

- Brett?

I saw him a couple of hours ago,

stoned out of his mind.

Said something about
cracking Carrie's head.

- So?

- He also said
something about Carrie

and Charlie Smith, they're
making it together.

- Smith, who's he?

- The only Charlie Smith
I know is a private eye.

- Keep talking.

- He's gotta big nose.

You ever see any of
those Bowery Boys movies?

You remember the guy who
played the dummy klutz?

- Well, here it is, Charlie.

And it's all ours.

- When I was a kid
in Pennsylvania,

I used to dream about having a
little washtub full of money.

All halves and quarters,

just like a chest full
of pirate's silver.

- That would have been so heavy,

you wouldn't have
been able to lift her.

- I didn't wanna lift it

and I didn't wanna
take it any place.

I just wanted to sit in it,

and tell the other
kids it was mine.

- I think I'd much rather
sell the stuff than sit in it.

- Whispering footsteps,
the girl who dared,

fatal witness, the devil
pays off, I live on danger.

Who knows what evil lurks
in the minds of men?

Charlie Smith no more
than Charlie Chan.

Hey, have you ever
seen this film

that starts out on a
schooner in Tahiti,

and this guy walks in on
the skipper one morning,

right out of the
blue, and asks him

to help him find this
great-looking gal.

It's a real classic, he lays
three grand on the skipper,

looks him right in
the eye and says,

"Find this girl."

So the skipper starts
to track her down,

but one by one the people
involved are suddenly wiped out,

'til the only ones
left are the skipper

and the girl he was
sent out to find.

Now he knows who killed
everybody, but one,

and he's just trying
to figure that out,

when the girl turns
to him and says:

- I love you, Charlie.

- Right, you did
kill Frankie Roberts!

- He was getting
away with the bag!

- Right.

- He was no good.

- Right, but are we any better

if we peddle the
stuff ourselves?

- What do you suggest?

- Dump it and start
doing our own thing.

We don't need a mountain
of snow to keep cool.

- The world's no
picnic without money.

- Make a decision,
Carrie, me or the snow?

- What about me?

I'll make the decision,
it's my stuff.

- That's Big Mack, the kingpin,

the master criminal,
the big wheel.

- That's real cute,
Smith, real cute.

Now, I'll take those two
little packages of joy.

If you don't mind.

- Well, I do mind.

- In that case, I'll have
to break your little arm.

- Well, Carrie, baby,
it's your turn to speak.

It's now or never.

- Big Mack, you're
out of the ball game.

- Which team am I on?

- My team, Charlie.

- What position?

- You're pitching.

- Oh boy.

- Big Mack, you
should have bought

a ticket before you
snuck in the park.

- Where you going
with that stuff?

What's he gonna do?

Charlie, Charlie, what
are you gonna do in there?

Charlie!

Charlie, come here for a minute,

let me talk to you,
just for a second!

Carrie, listen, get
rid of the mook.

We can split it
between ourselves,

we don't need him.

Carrie, just blow that
guy, you don't need him.

We can split it fifty - fifty.

Fine, keep him! Keep him!

Give him one third,
and you keep one third,

and one third for me.

That's fair, isn't it?

Look, we can get along.

Keep eighty per cent
and give me twenty,

just twenty, ten per cent!

Say something, give
me ten per cent!

(flushing)

- The ball game's over and
the home team has gone home.

- Oh Charlie, where's home?

- Anywhere I go.

- Me too?

- You too.

- You really are a pirate.

- Let's get out of here
before we get contaminated.

- I'm gonna be around
for a long time.

You know why?

You know why, Smith?

Because there's a sucker
born every minute.

Every single minute,
and they need me.

They need me.

(dramatic music)