Bob Newhart: Button Down Concert (1992) - full transcript

♪♪♪

(cheering and applause)

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

(cheering and applause continues)

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

We're coming, uh, to you tonight from the, um,

the Raymond Theatre in Pasadena, and it's a beautifully

restored, um, theater.



Al Jolson once appeared here.

Burns and Allen, uh, Jack Benny.

And it's, um, it's a lot of fun--

You heard the theme from the first show.

And when I did the first show, "The Bob Newhart Show,"

if there was one letter and one question I was asked more than

any other it was, uh, "Did you do anything before this?"

And, um... (laughter)

So this tonight, tonight's show is kind of to prove that,

yes, I did do something before "The Bob Newhart Show."

I was a stand-up comic.

We didn't call 'em stand-up in those days, um...

Because sometimes you would sit down, you know?

But I was a stand-up comic and made a couple record albums.



And, um, during the lean years,

the years before I did stand-up or finally broke through

in stand-up, um, I held a lot

of weird jobs, like, um...

And this is true, I'm not making this up.

I was once, uh, worked for the

Illinois State Unemployment Compensation Board.

It's true, I worked behind the counter.

And... we got-- this is true, we got $60 a week.

And the claimants at that time got 55, it's true.

(laughter)

It's true. And...

And they only had to come in one day a week, you know?

(laughter)

So...

It took me about a week to figure that out, 'cause I'm...

not the swiftest guy in the world, so, I, um...

arranged and got fired and wound up, you know,

coming in one day a week and...

losing $5.

But I-- it's been my experience in comedy that

most good comedy comes out of your

own, uh, personal experiences and...

I grew up in Chicago, and the area of town I grew up in

was at the end of the, um, of the, the bus line.

And the bus drivers would turn around and they'd head back downtown.

So I had been watching bus drivers

since I was, like, five or six years old.

And became convinced very early there must be a school

that all bus drivers attend because they couldn't

innately know these things that they're able to do.

So I'd like to take you now to that school.

And as we enter the course, we find the instructor

talking to the student bus drivers.

Uh, gentlemen, you have just completed

what's known as a basic course in bus driving.

Uh, we're gonna present you here with actual situations

you'll encounter while driving your buses.

And it's primarily designed to find out

whether you're gonna be good bus drivers or possibly

one of the-- one of the great all-time bus drivers, uh...

Course when I say great all-time bus drivers, immediately

comes to mind the name, uh, Larry Strickland.

Probably the greatest bus driver of the '40s

and then into the '50s, uh...

Neil Norlag, certainly the, the greatest

left-handed bus driver we've ever seen.

(laughter)

So what we're gonna do, we're gonna take one

of the students, Johnson, yeah, you wanna get in the bus and,

um, and Miss Selkirk, yeah, you wanna get back to your marks.

And we're gonna, um, present you with situations

you'll very often encounter on your buses.

All right, Johnson, yeah, you pull your bus in.

Discharge your passengers.

Now out of the rear-view mirror, you notice

this old woman running for the bus, yeah.

You wanna start running Miss Selkirk?

(laughter)

Let's see how Johnson handles this.

You're pulling out much too fast, Johnson, hold it.

Hold it, yeah, she gave up halfway up the block that time, yeah.

(laughter)

No, but you wanna do is just kind of gradually ease out,

you know, and you're kind of always holding out the hope

they can catch up with the bus, you know what I mean?

(laughter)

Now another thing you have to watch, uh, a lot of these--

these older women, they'll run at 3/4 speed and then they'll

put on a final burst and catch up with the bus, so...

All right, Johnson, let's try another one.

Graham, you wanna try your hand at the same problem?

Yeah, you wanna get back to your mark, Miss Selkirk?

Okay, same situation. You pull in.

Discharge your passenger-- You wanna start running Miss Selkirk.

Let's see-- let's see how Graham handles it.

Did-- did you see how he slammed the door right in her face that time?

Yeah, that's called your perfect pull-out and...

(laughter)

Now... (applause)

It wasn't part of the problem, Graham, but it shows

you're thinking on your feet.

You blocked two full lanes of traffic that time, very good.

(laughter)

Okay, uh, Graham-- uh, yeah, Miss Selkirk,

we'll try situation 13, okay? Yeah.

Graham, we'll stay with you. You're doing very well.

This happens very often. You're on your route.

All of a sudden, a car pulls in front of you.

And on the back is a sign, "Caution, Student Driver."

"Learning To Drive," something like that, all right.

Graham, you wanna be driving? All right, Miss Selkirk,

you wanna pull in front of him?

Let's see how Graham handles this.

Excellent, excellent.

He got back, oh, I guess about 10, 15 car lengths, uh...

Got it up to around 60.

(laughter)

And then when he's right on top of her, bang, he comes down on his brakes.

And then hit the horn with his-- with his elbow, did you--

Did you notice how that car just kinda swerved out of control?

(laughter)

When she dove for the floorboard.

Very good, Graham, all right, uh, yeah, Miss Selkirk,

you wanna extricate yourself? Just crawl out the window.

I think that's gonna be a lot faster, yeah.

Okay, uh, now this is a situation, and this

will be our final, uh, uh, situation.

Uh, you're the woman getting on the bus with the packages.

And I'm gonna have to help you with this because this requires

a lot of practice, but, uh, believe me, it's worth it.

So, all right. Get on the bus, that's the way.

Got a bunch of packages. Now fumble for your change.

Very good. All right, now start heading

toward the back of the bus.

Hit your accelerator.

(laughter)

Now your brake. Hit your accelerator again.

Brake again--

You see how it kept her spinning in the aisle there?

(laughter)

(applause)

Now...

Now the first couple times you try that,

you may hit your brake a little too soon.

You may hit the accelerator a little too soon.

But I guarantee you within five or six months,

you should be able to keep a woman spinning

in the aisle for an indefinite amount of time.

All right.

You wanna get in your individual buses and just remember

accelerator/brake, accelerator/brake.

Tomorrow, we will study the mispronunciation

of street names, okay?

Thank you very much, thank you.

(applause)

Thank you.

Anyway, I held a number of different jobs and, uh...

Every job I would go to, they would always be having

like, a week's orientation program.

And they would present you with every problem

you would be faced with, uh, during

your first day on the job, and...

Now I'm gonna do a little, uh, switch here,

but I'll tie the two things together, uh...

One of my favorite movies is "King Kong."

And the big scene, of course, is when King Kong

climbs the outside of the Empire State Building.

Now to tie 'em together, uh,

I thought...

What if the night that King Kong

climbed the outside of the Empire State Building,

it was also the first night on the job for a new guard.

(laughter)

Uh, he had gone through a week's orientation program

on the problems he could expect to face

his first night on the job. I think...

I think his day might have gone something like this.

Uh, Mister, uh, Mr. Hennessey?

Yeah, uh, yes, sir, I, uh, gee, I hate to bother you

at home like this on, on my first night, but...

(stammering) Some-- uh, something, uh...

(laughter)

(clears throat) Something has come up

and it isn't covered in the, in the guard's manual.

(laughter)

I looked in the index, yes, sir, I...

I looked under unauthorized personnel and, uh...

And people without passes.

And, uh, and apes and, and ape's toes.

Uh, apes and ape's toes.

There, uh, there's an ape's toe

sticking through the window, sir.

(laughter)

Well, see, he isn't your standard ape, sir, uh...

He's between 18 and 19 stories high, uh...

depending on whether we have a 13th floor or not.

(laughter)

(applause)

Yeah, well, you know, I'm sure there's a rule against apes

shaking the building. They...

There-- there is, so, I, uh...

I yelled at his feet and I said, uh...

"Shoo, ape," and "I'm sorry but you're gonna have to leave."

And then, you know, I know how you like the new men to,

to think on their feet, so I went into the broom closet

and I got a broom without signing out a requisition.

I will, I will tomorrow, yes sir, and...

(laughter)

And I started banging him on the toes with it,

you know, but, uh...

See, there, uh, there are these planes flying around.

And they're shooting at him and he's only

swatting at them, you know, so I...

I figured I wasn't doing too much good with the broom.

You don't-- you don't care what I do, just,

just get the ape off the building, uh...

This, this, could complicate things a little, sir, uh...

When he passed by here, he, um...

He was carrying a woman in his hand.

(laughter)

Uh, well, she, she, uh-- I don't think

she works in the building. No, sir, uh...

(laughter)

Yeah, she, she, she had a kind of negligee on, you know, so...

I doubt she's one of the cleaning women.

Well, the first thing I did, I filled out a report on it, uh...

Well, I, you know, I don't want to give the building

a bad name either, sir, but, um...

You know, these planes are shooting at him,

and they're starting to hit him and, uh...

You know, people are gonna come, uh, to work tomorrow morning

and, you know, they're gonna have to walk around

the big dead ape in the street.

(laughter)

Start putting two and two together, you know?

I think, I think we're safe on that score, sir.

I doubt very much if he signed the night guestbook downstairs.

(laughter)

You don't, you don't care what I do,

just, just get the ape off the building.

Well, um, I came up with an idea.

But, you know, I'm not supposed to leave my post.

Yeah, I thought, uh...

I thought maybe I could smear

the Chrysler Building with bananas.

Hello? Hello? (laughter)

(applause)

I mentioned before, I've held a lot of different jobs.

And during the lean years, when I wasn't making

headway in comedy, uh, I would always look for

part-time jobs in the "Chicago Tribune" and...

And one day, I-- Every Sunday, I would always

see this stand-- what they call a standing ad

for driving instructors and...

A standing ad is one that you don't have to place each week.

It just automatically goes in.

And after I'd seen about six or eight weeks of this standing ad for driving instructors,

it occurred to me, uh, that there must be

a huge turnover in driving instructors.

(chuckles)

And I think this may be the reason why.

Now...

You're gonna have to picture if you will.

This, this is a car.

I'm the driving instructor.

And seated next to me is a woman driver.

(laughter)

Oh, I heard a little murmur. All right, you...

The women in the audience, you feel that this is a sexist

routine because it's a woman driver?

I... (applause)

That was-- it was certainly never my intention

when I wrote this and performed it 31 years ago.

(laughter)

Mrs. Webb, Mrs. Webb is one of my dearest friends.

But if some of you find it offensive,

it does not have to be a woman driver.

I will make it a, um...

I'll make, I'll make it a Chinese driver.

(laughter)

(applause)

(laughter)

(pronouncing Chinese name)

(laughter and applause)

(speaking Chinese)

(laughter)

Now I can do eight more minutes of this

or I can make it a woman driver.

(laughter)

Let's, let's see, according to our file here,

your name is Mrs. Webb? Would that be correct, mm-hmm?

And, um...

Now, Mrs. Webb, now you, you have had one lesson here already, haven't you?

Do you remember the instructor's name on that?

Mr. Adams?

That would be A-D-A-M-- It's right here in front of me.

You know, it really might facilitate things if I just,

you know, sort of read ahead a bit

to kind of familiarize, um...

(chuckling)

Familiarize myself-- How, um...

How, how fast, how fast were you, were you going when,

when Mr. Adams jumped from the car?

(laughter)

75, uh-huh and, and...

And where, where, where was that now?

In, in your driveway. Uh-huh, okay.

(laughter)

(chuckling) Okay.

All right, all right, You wanna start the car?

We'll pull out into the stream of traffic.

But what's the first thing we're gonna do, you know,

before we pull out into traffic?

Well, what did Mr. Adams have you do

before he let you pull out? What would Mr. Adams do

before he let you pull out into traffic?

Well, in addition to blessing himself...

(laughing)

You know, what I had in mind was checking

the rear-view mirror, we, we...

(screaming) Don't-- Don't pull out!

(laughter)

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to shout at you like that, Mrs. Webb, it just...

Just that there was a cement truck.

(nervous chuckle)

Okay.

All right, your lane is clear now.

You wanna pull out?

That's a way. Let's get up just a little bit more speed.

Very-- very good, very good. Now ease it...

Ease it into second.

Ahh! Ahh!

No-no, that's, that's all right, I just...

I just hadn't intended to cover reverse this early, Mrs. Webb.

(laughter)

Just makes your eyes water there for a minute or two, huh?

The other cars honking is making you nervous, huh?

Try, uh, try not to pay too much attention to their honking.

You have, you have the feeling you're blocking someone's lane.

Uh... (sighs)

No, as a matter of fact as, uh, as long as

you're here on the safety island,

you couldn't-- you couldn't, uh...

(laughter)

You couldn't be blocking anyone's lane.

(nervously) Okay.

All right, let's, let's practice some turns now.

The important thing on turns, you wanna remember,

don't make 'em too sharp, just kind of make a gradual--

(screaming) Easy. Easy!

(nervous laughter)

That wa-- that was very good. Just a trifle fast, um...

One, one minor thing.

See, there-- uh, this is a one-way street,

uh, Mrs. Webb, and...

Yeah, that may have been even partially my fault,

you see, but you were, you were in--

you were in the left-hand lane

and you-- and you were signaling left.

And, uh, I don't know, I just, I just more or less

assumed you, you were going to turn left, you see?

(laughter)

Same to you, fella!

(laughter)

(nervously chuckling)

No, I couldn't make out what he said, Mrs. Webb, yeah.

(laughter)

Yeah, Mrs. Webb, you want to get out of

the stream of traffic coming at us, uh-huh.

Pull, pull in the alley there.

(shouting) Anywhere! Anywhere!

Yeah, this is something not too many other schools stress too much.

We, we happen to think it's kind of important.

It's called alley driving. (laughter)

Thought we might spend the rest of the hour

driving through the alleys.

If you'd like to keep going.

Uh, I'll tell you what, there's a practice area

not too far away from here, and I-I...

I think you could build up some confidence,

and then-- turn right here, and then we could--

Well, now, that was-- see, that was my fault again.

Yeah. Um, yeah, I meant at the corner, uh-huh.

(laughter)

Not, not onto this man's lawn, uh-huh.

(laughter)

Yeah, you want-- you want to back out, Mrs. Webb?

He's coming at us with a hose, uh-huh.

(sighs)

Now, I'd say from that sound that we, we just--

we just backed into someone, Mrs. Webb.

Do... (clears throat)

Do you recall at all my talking about the rear-view mirror?

Mm-hmm, and what did we say?

We're gonna watch the rear-view mirror...

The, the red light blinded you.

The, the flashing red light.

(chuckles) On the car you hit.

(laughter)

Yeah, she was-- she was just telling me

about if, Officer, as a matter of fact.

No, actually, you're right I suppose.

I-I should have had her signal. Uh, see, I--

I don't know what the signal is for, uh,

for coming off someone's lawn, that was...

(laughter)

Mrs. Webb, I'm gonna have to go with the officers to the police station.

Yeah, it, um... it turns out they've been--

they've been following us for the last 10, 12 blocks,

and they, uh, they-- they don't believe it, uh-huh.

(laughter)

Be-before I go, you'd, you'd like to be--

to be sure and get my name. Well, my name--

my name is, is Frank Dexter. Why, why do you ask?

(whimpers)

You want to be sure and ask for me next time.

(cries)

(cheering and applause)

Thank you very much.

(clears throat)

You know, occasionally you'll, um, you'll--

you'll write a routine and perform a routine that,

that is more viable 30 years later

than it was at the time you wrote it.

And, and I think that's true of this routine.

It-- it-- it had to do with a, a book

called "The Hidden Persuaders" by Vance Packard,

and it was, it-- I think the first book

I ever read on the packaging of the president.

And, and it got me to wondering that if this science of,

of packaging were as far advanced

during the Civil War, uh, as it is today.

And, and there was no Lincoln.

That, uh, they would have had to,

to create a Lincoln out of the guy in office.

And I think this would be a telephone conversation

between the PR man and, uh, Abe

just before Gettysburg.

(clears throat)

Hi, hi Abe, sweetheart. How's everything, kid?

(light laughter)

How's Gettysburg?

You know them small Pennsylvania towns, Abe, right?

You seen one, you seen 'em all, huh?

Listen, Abe, I got-- I got your note.

What, what seems to be the problem?

You're, you're thinking of shaving it off.

Yeah, Abe, don't you see that's part of the image?

Along, along with the shawl and the stove pipe hat?

You don't have the shawl. (clears throat)

Where, where is the shawl, Abe?

Y-you left it in Washington.

Well, wh-what are you wearing, Abe?

It's, it's a kind of cardigan.

(laughter)

Abe, Abe, leave the beard on and the stove pipe hat,

and, and get a shawl, okay?

Now, what's the problem?

(sighs)

You're getting a lot of complaints on Grant's drinking.

Uh, to be honest with you, Abe,

I don't know what the problem is.

I mean, you-- you knew he was a lush

when you appointed him, you know?

Your, your guide writers. Yeah, they're here, why Abe?

You'd like to come back with a snapper

they next time they hit you about Grant.

Um, okay, I'll-- I'll get 'em working on that, Abe.

Abe, you got-- you got the speech.

You have-- You haven't changed the speech, have you, Abe?

(sighs)

Abe, why do you change the speeches all the time?

(laughter)

Uh, what, what are the changes?

You typed it?

Abe, how many times have we told you, on the backs of envelopes.

Well, it looks like you wrote it on the--

on, on the train coming down.

Well, I know it's harder to read, Abe, but...

Could you put it on the backs of the envelopes

and, and memorize it?

Yeah, we're get-- we're getting a lot of play in the press on that.

How, how are the envelopes holding out?

You could use another box, okay.

Anything else in the speech, Abe?

"People will little note nor long remember..."

Wh-what could possibly be wrong with that, Abe?

(sighs) Abe, they'll remember it.

Trust me, Abe, they'll-- what? Abe, what are you gonna say?

"It was a great speech, I think everybody will remember it"?

I mean, you, you come off a braggart.

Do the speech the way Charlie wrote it, would you please?

Y-you talked to some newspapermen.

Abe, we've, we've asked you not to talk to newspapermen.

Well, you always put your foot--

See, that's-- that's what-- that's what I mean, Abe.

No, no, Abe, you were a rail-splitter then an attorney.

(laughter)

(applause)

Well Abe, Abe, you wouldn't give up your law practice

to become a rail-splitter.

Abe, read, read the bio, will ya?

It'll save us a lot of trouble on this end.

Oh, by the way, the, uh, the Abe Lincoln t-shirt

is coming out Tuesday.

I-is there any way of working that into the address, do you think?

I-I'll leave that up to you. Play it by ear, right?

Yeah, Abe, you got a pencil and paper there?

Yeah, would, would you mind taking this down?

You can fool all of the people some of the time,

and some of the people all of the time,

but you can't fool all the people all the time.

Well, you, you-- you keep doing it differently, Abe.

I mean, the last quote we got was,

"You can fool all the people all the time."

(laughter)

H-hold-- hold on, Abe.

Yeah. Great.

Uh, Abe?

Yeah, they-- they've come up with a thing on Grant.

The next time they bug you about Grant's drinking,

yeah, tell 'em-- tell 'em you're gonna find out

what brand he drinks,

and send a case of it to all your other generals.

(laughter)

No, no. No, Abe, it's like...

It... (laughter)

It's like the, the brand is, is the reason

that-- that he's winning.

No, no. No, no, Abe.

Trust me, Abe, it's funny. Do it, okay?

(laughter)

(clears throat)

Uh, that would be this Saturday night?

Oh, that's a shame, Abe. We're gonna be in New York.

A bridge party at the White-- Oh, that's a shame.

Uh, did you call Seward?

He's gonna be out on the Alaska thing, yeah, uh-huh.

Oh, that's a shame, just the two of you,

you and, uh, what's her name, Mary.

Mary, right. Oh, that's a shame.

Uh, Abe?

Wh-why don't you take in a play?

(laughter)

(applause)

I, um, I mentioned before, uh, the--

the number of jobs I, I held.

I was in-- I was in service,

uh, in 1952.

1952 to 1954, the Army, actually.

And, uh, it didn't take me long to realize that in,

in large corporations and especially the military,

uh, the Peter Principle seems to apply

more than anywhere else.

A man literally, uh, can be promoted

fully three or four levels above his competency

in the military.

And, um, this was illustrated by a, uh,

a record routine about a captain

on a, uh, a nuclear submarine

who had-- who had been to--

I know some of you know, know these routines by heart,

but it, it throws me off to watch your lips

move along with mine as I'm doing them.

(laughter) All right?

(applause)

(chuckles) Anyway, it was one of the most direc--

disastrous trips ever taken by a submarine.

And the captain got up and he gave an address to,

to the men after they had completed

their two-year, around-the-world, uh, trip.

And, uh, he's making these remarks

just as they're about to surface.

(clears throat)

Men, in a few minutes, you're going to be,

uh, reunited, uh, with your loved ones.

And, and in some cases, your wives.

(laughter)

Well, I-I may not have phrased that correctly,

but I-I think-- I think you men know what, what I meant there.

I've just jotted down a couple things regarding our trip.

Uh, first of all, I'd like you to give the cooks

a standing ovation. I-- It is an--

tremendously difficult job on a submarine.

Y-you men, uh, you men want to stand now for the cooks?

Come on now, men. let's let bygones be bygones

and hear it for the cook. (laughter)

That's, that's a little better.

Uh, as we're adding another glorious page to,

to the already illustrious history of,

of the "U.S.S. Codfish."

I don't know if you men know this,

the "Codfish", uh, holds the record

for the most Japanese tonnage sunk

uh, being comprised of five freighters

and five, uh, aircraft carriers.

Uh, unfortunately, they were all sunk... in 1954

when we-- we were no longer at war with the Japanese.

(laughter)

However, it, it stands as one of the largest,

uh, peacetime tonnages ever, ever sunk.

Oh, we-- we've just been officially notified.

We have cut a full two minutes

off the previous record of four minutes and 29 seconds

in surfacing, uh, firing at the towed target,

and then, then resubmerging. And I ju--

I just want to congratulate you men

on the precision and the teamwork,

uh, you displayed at that time.

Uh, at, at the same time, I don't in any way,

uh, mean to slight the, the contribution

made by the, the men we had to leave on deck.

(applause)

(clears throat)

I, I think-- I think they, in no small way, had a--

had an awful lot to do with the... with the two minutes

we, we were able to take off the record, and...

I doubt if any of us will soon forget their,

their somewhat stunned expressions as...

(laughter)

As we watched them through the periscope.

(laughter)

Men, nobody enjoys a joke, uh, more than I do.

However, uh, I-I would--

I would like the executive officer returned.

Uh... we've looked all over the ship.

We've looked in your duffel bags and the torpedo tubes.

You know, we're lucky it wasn't the navigational officer,

but I, I think there's a principle involved here.

Uh, looking back on the mutiny, I-I think...

(laughter)

(clears throat)

I think a lot of the problem there, uh,

stemmed from the fact that you men weren't coming to me

with your, your problems. As I--

I tried to explain to you as,

as we started out, the door to my office is,

is always open. I think--

I think you know why it's always open.

That, uh, that was stolen. I'd like that returned.

(clears throat) Could be the work of the same man, I don't know.

Uh, since we started the trip on such a, a low note,

I'd like to end it on a-- on a high note.

And to me, there's nothing more impressive in the Navy

than as a submarine just breaks water

to see a bunch of sailors in, in their dress blues

a-as they come rushing up out of the, uh...

Oh, the uh... (sighs)

The hole in, in the front of the boat.

Hatch! Hatch, thank you very much, yeah.

Oh, all right.

I've jus-- I've just been notified,

we are gonna be surfacing. Uh, and within a minute or two,

you're going to be gazing once again on

the familiar skyline of either...

(laughter)

New York City, or is that Buenos Aires?

I can't make out your writing.

Thank you very much, men. Thanks.

(applause)

(inaudible)

You know, a-- a lot of material comes out

of, um, of things that you, you read in the paper.

Like, there was a thing, uh, there was this, um,

um, Spanish bullfighter, a one-eyed Spanish bullfighter.

It's a true story.

And, uh, he was reapplying for his license.

They never explained how he lost his eye,

you just kind of had to, you know,

put two and two together to figure out what happened.

And, he was re-- reapplying to fight the bulls, and...

Now, you would think if there's any occupation

where you want to have two really good eyes...

(laughter)

It would seem to be bullfighting.

You know, that would certainly be

up toward the top, anyway.

'Cause you could see the guy, "No, no, I can't see him.

I, I can hear him." (laughter)

"I can hear him all right." (chuckles)

Anyway, this was a thing, it was in the paper.

And a, a-- a plane was flying, military plane.

A bomb dropped, came loose, and fell down to Earth, um...

It didn't explode or anything, and, uh,

all major cities have this expert, um,

um, bomb squad, bomb disposal squad.

And, uh, it's always these expert, courageous men.

And I always wondered,

what would happen if a team of non-expert,

non-courageous men were faced with the--

with the task of, uh, defusing a bomb.

And I pictured this small, uh, coastal city.

Now, the-- the chief, the lieutenant,

is expecting nothing more than a routine phone call

from one of his patrolmen.

(clears throat)

L-Lieutenant Stevenson here.

Patr-- Patrolman Willard Hackmaster.

Willard, you were supposed to call in 10 minutes ago.

You, you found a shell on the beach.

(laughter)

You, you think that's unusual, do you, Willard?

Finding a shell on the beach.

It, it isn't that kind of shell, huh?

Uh, doesn't it sound like the ocean

when you hold it up to your ear, Willard, or...?

(laughter)

Oh, that-- that kind of shell.

Yeah, I was-- I was kind of hoping

that was your watch making that ticking, yeah.

I'm, I'm gonna give it to you straight, Willard.

You, you got a live one there, yeah.

W-Willard, don't hang up!

Willard. And stop that whining.

There's nothing to worry about as,

as long as that thing is ticking.

It's when it stops ticking, we--

we've got some problems, okay?

Yeah, now, now you and I, we're gonna disarm that thing.

Well, I'm, I'm not coming down there, Willard, no.

(laughter)

No, don't bring it in here, Willard, no!

You know, I-I can't leave the office any time

I want, Geor-- uh, Willard.

I mean, I-- you know, I'm taking just as big

a chance as you are. I mean, you know,

if that thing goes off, it's-- it's--

it's me they're gonna want to talk to, not you.

(laughter)

All right, now d-describe the thing to me, Willard.

Yeah, it sounds like a torpedo of some kind, Willard.

It's probably one of ours.

Any, any writing on it?

"Made in Japan."

Yeah, well, it still could be one of ours, Willard, yeah.

(laughter)

Is, is there a serial number or anything, Willard?

I got the, the manual right here in front of me.

X-5-3-0-7. Let me look it up.

Uh-oh. Nothing. Nothing, Willard.

Boy, you found a beauty there, Willard.

You, you know how powerful that baby is?

Six city blocks, Willard.

Wha... what do you mean, you'll call me back?

Th--There's a telephone booth seven blocks away.

Willard! (laughter)

Willard, I know this is dangerous, but,

but if we can save one human life...

That, that's the way you feel about it, eh, Willard?

(laughter)

All right, how long has that thing been ticking, Willard?

About five, six minutes.

Well, we're gonna have to work a lot faster

than I thought, Willard. Um, yeah, Willard,

toward the end of it there's a-- there's a plate.

Do you see the plate held on by four screws?

Yeah, now, uh, the manual says those screws

should be carefully removed with an LT-109 screwdriver

with a plastic handle and a demagnetized head.

You, you don't have one, huh, Willard?

Well, uh, use a dime, then, Willard.

(laughter)

Willard, we're gonna get that thing fixed if it's the last--

We'll, we'll get it fixed, Willard, just don't worry.

(laughter)

Okay, now inside there, there's a wheel of some kind.

Do you see that? Yeah.

Yeah, wh-what? Try turning the wheel.

Yeah, it's-- it's ticking a lot faster now,

isn't it, Willard? Yeah.

All right, then. Now, you see

there's some wires inside there?

Yeah, there are two wires and the manual says,

"Under no circumstances..."

Oh, great, somebody spilled coffee all over the manual.

(laughter)

Oh, uh, Willard? Yeah.

You hear the clicking on the line?

Yeah, that means I-- I have an incoming call.

It's, it's called-- (laughter)

It's called call waiting. Yeah.

Let, let me put you on hold, Willard, okay?

Hel-- Hello?

I-I'm sorry, I think--

I think you want the fire department.

That, that's all right.

Yeah, Willard, so...

Willard?

W-Willard?

(applause)

Thank you very much.

Again, this is an item that came out of a news item.

And it's a true story.

They had a guy in either Houston or Dallas,

and he'd come up and ring the doorbell in suburban--

suburban cities there and the woman

would answer the door and he'd flash, you know.

And then he'd run away. And, of course,

by the time the police got there, he was gone.

So the-- the-- the-- Houston police

or Dallas police picked up some suspects

and they wanted to hold this lineup.

But...

But the women explained that since he was wearing

a ski cap and sneakers, and a raincoat,

they wouldn't be able to identify him with his clothes on.

So they held

what I think must have been the first nude lineup,

and I think it probably went something like this.

All right, ladies, we're gonna bring the men out in just a moment.

Can you hold the applause down, ladies, please?

Now, I-- a couple of things I have to make clear.

There were only five incidents reported,

and since we have over 221 women in the room...

...I'm gonna have to ask all the other women

except the five who reported to leave.

Well, ma'am, that's your problem.

How you get your 20 bucks back from Mrs. Baxter is up to you.

One more thing I have to explain before we bring the men out.

One of them is a policeman.

Um, we're required to do that in a lineup

to make sure that you identify the correct suspect, all right?

All right, fellas, you want to come out now?

All right, stand on the different numbers there.

(sighs)

William, you sort of tipped off the fact you're a policeman

by wearing your holster in the lineup.

Holster is supposed to be worn on the side, by the way.

Mrs. Baxter, any of these men look familiar to you?

He wasn't there that long?

He left right after the coffee and the pound cake, huh?

Number 4, you have a question?

Is this the way everybody gets their driver's license renewed?

It's four more doors down, fella, yeah.

(laughter and applause)

Yeah, you might want to, uh...

you might want to take your clothes along with you.

I think it'll increase your chances of getting

your driver's license renewed.

Okay, ladies, you think you're ready for an identification?

Good. Okay.

You vote for number 4?

(laughter and applause)

Thank you very much.

So, um, this is a thing on, uh, on discoveries.

And, um, and how, uh--

I usually precede this with, um, a joke.

Which never gets a laugh, so don't feel bad.

It's a masochistic thing I enjoy doing.

But... it's a thing on Edison.

And Edison is very excited

about this new invention he's come up with.

And he calls all these newspaper people together

in this totally dark room.

And then in the center of the room

there's a bulb with a filament inside

and a cord running out, and a guy working a generator over in the corner.

And Edison walks in the room, newsmen are all over the room,

and he takes the plug and he plugs it into the generator,

and the generator-- and the bulb begins to glow.

And it just fills the entire room with light.

Well, the newsmen are just astounded,

and they start to rush out to file their stories.

And Edison walks to the door and he says, "No, no, gentlemen.

Please return to your seats. That isn't it."

And he walks up to the bulb and he says...

"Hello!"

(laughter and applause)

This is a thing on inventions,

and how it takes like 30 or 40 years

before an invention is really found out

to be a great invention.

Like the airplane, or the telephone, um...

Today we have, uh,

a multibillion industry, the tobacco industry.

And, as you all know, tobacco was introduced

to civilization by Sir Walter Raleigh.

He was working for the West Indies Company

here in the colonies.

And the uses of tobacco

are not obvious right off the bat.

If you tried to explain tobacco to someone

who was totally unfamiliar with it,

it would not be an easy task.

So, I imagine a phone conversation

between Sir Walter Raleigh and the head

of the West Indies Company in London, England,

as Walt broke the news of this great new discovery.

Yeah, who is it, Mary?

Sir Walter Raleigh from the colonies.

(chuckles) Yeah, put him on, Mary.

Harry, yeah, you want to get on your extension?

Yeah, it's nutty Walt again, yeah.

(laughs)

Well, hey, Wall-guy!

Well, it's great hearing your voice again.

It sure is, Walt. (clears throat)

Things, things are fine here in England, Walt.

Did what?

Did the boatload of turkeys arrive all right?

Yeah, they-- they arrived fine, Walt.

They're still here, as a matter of fact, Walt.

Yeah, they're wandering all over London,

as a matter of fact, Walt.

Yeah, see, um, that's an American holiday, Walt.

Uh-huh.

(laughs)

Yeah, you have another winner for us, Walt?

To-- "Toe-back-o."

Huh, what-- what is "toe-back-o," Walt?

That's-- that's a sort of leaf.

And you-- you bought 80 tons of it?

Let me, let me just make sure I have this right, Walt.

Now, Walt, you're sending us--

you're sending us 80 tons of leaves.

Is that right, Walt?

This may come as a little bit of a surprise to you, Walt,

but see, come-- come fall, here in England, Walt...

Yeah, we're kind of up to our, uh...

It isn't that kind of leaf? Uh-huh.

It has a lot of different uses?

Well, what are some of the uses, Walt?

Since we are getting 80 tons of this stuff.

(laughs) Walt? Yeah, hold on.

Are you saying snuff?

What is-- what is snuff, Walt?

You-- You take a pinch of tobacco...

(laughs)

And you shove it up your nose, Walt?

(laughs)

And it what? It makes you sneeze, Walt?

Oh, gee, a goldenrod seems to do it pretty well here, Walt.

(laughs)

Yeah, Walt, does this tobacco have any other uses?

You know, just on the off chance that this snuff of yours,

you know, didn't catch on right off the bat.

The turkeys don't happen to eat it

by any chance, do they, Walt?

You can put it in a pipe.

Or?

(laughs)

You can shred it up...

...put it-- put it on a piece of paper.

(laughs)

Roll? Roll up the paper.

Don't tell me, Walt.

You stick it in your ear, right, Walt?

Between your lips, Walt? (laughs)

Then what do you do to it, Walt?

(laughs)

You set fire to it, Walt!

(laughs)

You know, we've been a little worried about you, Walt.

Ever since you put your-- your cape down over all that mud.

A lot of people have their cigarette

right after their first cup of coffee in the morning?

I'm almost afraid to ask, Walt.

Um... what's-- what's-- what's coffee, Walt?

That's a drink you pound out of beans, eh, Walt?

I'll tell you what, Walt, um...

why not send us a boatload of those beans?

You know, you can-- you can sell people

on sticking burning leaves in their mouth,

they gotta flip for the beans, Walt.

No question about it.

Well, nice talking to you, Walt.

And next time don't call us, we'll call you.

All right, thank you very much.

(applause)

Thank you very much.

One of the jobs I've held,

and really, I really was an accountant.

People will say to me, "Were you really an accountant?"

And I really was an accountant, because,

you know, why would you make that up?

If you-- if you hadn't been an accountant,

why would you ever tell someone you had been an accountant?

'Cause, you know, they're not known

as the wildest bunch of guys in the world.

And I held a number of different accounting jobs.

I had this kind of strange theory of accounting.

Um, I felt if you got within two or three bucks of it,

you know, that was close enough.

But... this theory that I had, it never really caught on.

And as a consequence,

I held a number of different accounting jobs.

And it seemed like every company I went with,

they would always be having this retirement party.

And they were all the same.

I mean, you know, there'd be different people

would be retiring, and different people make the speeches,

but they would all say the same tired old things.

And I went to one in Chicago for a guy named Chuck Bedlow.

He was retiring after 50 years.

And, first of all, Mr. Clayton got up.

He was the president, and he gave a little address.

Then Mr. Tipton, the vice president, got up,

he gave a little longer address. And then finally Bruce Higgens,

who was the head of the accounting department,

he got up and he was Mr. Trite.

You know, he would say things like, uh...

(clears throat)

Well, golly, I, uh...

I wouldn't give this spot to a leopard.

(laughs)

Seriously, though, you know...

It's gonna seem awfully funny coming into the office--

coming Monday morning and not seeing Charlie Bedlow's

smiling happy face there at the desk.

I used to call him smiling happy easygoing Charlie Bedlow.

And I guess all of us had a nickname or other

that we used to call him from time to time.

An amusing thing kind of happened

when I first came with the company.

I had just gotten out of college and I was a little, um...

what's the word I'm looking for?

Uh, wet behind the ears maybe?

(laughs)

And many is the night that Charlie and I

burnt the midnight oil.

Anyway, I've taken up more than enough time.

I want to bring out the guy...

we're all here to honor tonight.

A wonderful old guy.

A guy named....

...Charlie Breadwell.

Bedlow! Charlie Bedlow. Charlie?

(clears throat)

(slurring) Well, thank you.

Thank you very much,

Mr. Clay-- Clayton

and Mr. Tip-ton.

And of course Bruce here.

I was listening to the other speeches and one thought

kept sort of recur-- recurring in my mind.

I think-- I think I'm gonna throw up.

(laughter and applause)

I've never heard so much drivel in all of my life.

I don't suppose it ever occurred to any of you

that I had to get half smashed every morning

in order to make it down to this crummy job.

You'd be smiling and easygoing

if you were gassed all the time too!

Well, you put in-- put in your 50 years

and they-- and they give you this crummy watch.

It works out to about 28 cents a year.

But honestly, if it hadn't been for the 50 bucks a week

that I was able to glom out of petty cash, I don't...

...I don't think I could have made it

on that lousy salary that they pay here.

A lot of people have been asking me, you know,

there's a rumor about Miss Wilson and myself.

And they're wondering if when I retire

and when she comes back from her vacation in Florida,

whether Miss Wilson, the cashier, and myself,

whether we would get married and spend our 'clining--

declining years together in Florida.

Oh, she isn't-- she isn't coming back, by the way.

Um, sweet old Miss Wilson is

into this company for about 100,000 bucks.

It's a little deal that she's been working on, uh...

...five years that I know about anyway.

It has something to do with payrolling.

Ghost payrolling, double payrolling?

I could never make heads or tails out of what the hell

she was talking about, but appar-- apparently it works.

'Cause she's down-- she's down in Mexico with 100 thou, and...

...I'm up here with this crummy watch.

(laughter and applause)

So a lot of people are saying,

"Charlie, what are you gonna do when you finally retire?

"You know, get a little part-time job

"or become a security guard at a bank or something?

Just lie all around the beach?"

Um...

I'm, uh, I want to sell some,

um, tapes from some office parties...

...for 1,500 bucks a copy.

But, wait, let me take that back.

The June picnic may run 1,750.

You all-- you all remember the June-- the June picnic.

And with the money I make off of the tapes

and Miss Wilson's 100 thou, I should do pretty good.

Thank you very much. You've been a delightful audience.

Thank you! (applause)

Thank you, thank you!

♪♪

(cheering and applause)

♪♪