Boat Trip (2002) - full transcript

I love you.

I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Will you marry me?

Baby,

baby--

Baby, your breath smells like dog food.

[ Panting ] With just a hint of rottweiler butt.

You're on notice, Rocco.

When Felicia moves in, you have to clean up your act.

Enjoy your meal. ♪ Whoa ♪

♪ I feel good ♪



♪ I knew that I would, now ♪

♪ I feel good ♪

♪ I knew that I would, now ♪

♪ So good, so good ♪

♪ I got you ♪

♪ Whoa, I feel nice ♪

♪ Like sugar and spice ♪

♪ I feel nice ♪

♪ Like sugar and spice ♪

♪ So nice, so nice ♪

♪ I got you ♪

♪ When I hold you in my arms ♪♪

I have a very big surprise for you.

A very big surprise.



I know you're dying to know, but I'm not gonna tell you, no matter how much you beg.

Nope. Not even a hint.

Wow! This is incredible, Jerry!

What's this all about?

Felicia, from the first moment I met you,

[ Groans ] I-- I mean, uh--

From the first moment I saw you, I, uh--

Uh, wh-what I'm trying to say, Felicia, is--

You're lookin' sick all of a sudden. Are you all right?

Motion sickness. Oh.

The reason why I brought you out here is...

to tell you, to say--

Mm-hmm.

to ask, communicate--

Would you just spit it out?

[ Gasping ] Oh, I'm sorry, baby! I didn't mean it!

Don't cover me in puke and try and call me "baby."

I'll make it up to you, Felicia!

Will you marry me? No!

Oh, thank you! You've made me the happiest-- What?

I met someone. Met someone?

Andre and I have all the things that we don't, Jerry.

Andre? I introduced you once.

He details my BMW.

You dump me for a guy who goes to work in a jumpsuit and rubber boots?

Andre and I connect on a level that you and I just never could.

Jerry, I'm so sorry.

[ Sighs ] She dumped us, Rocco.

I know you don't care. You can lick your own balls. [ Chuckles ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Beeping ]

[ Ringing ]

[ Answering Machine Clicking ] [ Jerry On Tape ] I'm not in.

Leave a message or don't leave a message. Whatever.

[ Man ] Hello, Jerry. It's me. Pick up.

Dude, I know you're there.

Quit acting like a little kid. You're so immature!

Pick up now or I'm gonna fart into the phone.

Leave me alone. I'm wallowing in self-pity.

It's time to rejoin the living, Jerry. We're going out tonight.

- Not interested. - Saddle up the old baloney pony.

It's Operation Storm the Foxholes. China Club, 2100 hours.

Our objective? Penetrate the enemy.

Stop calling me. I'm not going. This is nonnegotiable.

Either meet me tonight or I'm gonna ask out your sister.

She'll go out with me 'cause she's freaky like that. We both know her.

Ragoni, hang up. The toilet's stuffed up. I got a code-three emergency.

Buddy, I gotta go. See you.

Thanks for fitting me in today, Daniel.

I'm so tight.

Go really deep this time.

Give it to me harder.

Harder.

Harder.

Harder.

- [ Muscles Cracking ] - Come on, Daniel.

Is this the best you can do? [ Sighs, Panting ]

Ragoni, what the hell are you doing? [ Screams ]

I was just warmin' her up for you!

♪♪ [ Dance ]

♪♪ [ Continues ]

Marshall, is that you? Nick! Hey!

Long time no see! How you doin'?

You've got to give me the name of your new escort service.

Oh, cut it out, Nick. This is my fiancée, Sheri.

She ain't no escort skank. She and I are in love.

That's right.

Marshall here's the most interesting and exciting man I've ever met.

- And he's a wonderful lover. - Oh, I get it. She's retarded.

She's one of the sharpest bartenders at Hooters. Oh, Marshy!

Excuse me, fellas. I'm gonna go trim the landing strip.

Ooh! And classy too.

We met on a cruise. There's just something about the ocean air, the sun.

It really makes it easy to meet people. We connected right away.

Very first night. With her?

Very first night? Yeah!

And there are dozens of women just as friendly as her on board.

Dude, I gotta tell you, whatever you're doing, take a week off...

and get yourself on one of those boats.

There was a line at the can. Honey, can we skip dinner?

You look so hot, you got me in the mood for take-out in bed.

[ Both Moaning ]

Tongue.

- Ooh! - Wow!

Wasn't that crazy Marshall Geller,

the guy who used to work in our high school cafeteria?

Nope. That was crazy Marshall Geller,

my new personal hero.

Dude, let's bolt.

Hanging around some stupid bar is no place to meet women.

What are you talkin' about? You've been begging me to come here for months.

Jerry, buddy,

trust me.

I have seen the light. ♪ Come on, gettin' on down ♪

♪ Get on down ♪

♪ Get on, get on down ♪

♪ Get on down, come on Go, go down ♪

♪ Get on down ♪

♪ Go, go down Get on down, come on ♪

♪ Go, go down ♪♪

[ Mutters ]

Aw, son of a bitch! [ Horn Honks ]

That was my space! Fuck you!

Fuck you right back, buddy. Nick, back off.

I don't want to see an out-of-shape slob get his butt kicked.

He ain't that out of shape. I'm talkin' about you!

You break a sweat changing your shoes. Oh, stop. Bite me!

- Blow me! - Kiss my ass!

- Fuck your mother! - Oh, yeah?

No one would want to fuck my mother 'cause she's too ugly!

Think I lost that one. Oh, yeah.

Okay, it's the seven-day, six-night fun in the sun singles package...

with the standard three-to-one female-to-male ratio.

Whoo-hoo-hoo! Just as the doctor ordered, right, buddy?

I don't know, Nick. I don't think I'm ready for this.

Come on! It's been six months!

I don't like the sun, and I get seasick.

- Hmm. - I don't know what to say to strange women.

We're not going for the discourse. We're going for the intercourse!

Sex! That's all you ever think about! Sex, sex, sex, sex!

- We'll take it. - Ha-ha-ha!

There you go. Excellent.

Oh, Larry. You're still here.

Mm-hmm. Your mother died.

- What? When? - This morning.

I'm sorry. I thought you got my Post-it.

[ Larry ] Okay, thanks, Michael.

All right. Gentlemen, I might want you to consider this stateroom right here.

It's a little bit larger--

Um, would you excuse me for just a moment?

Brian, help! [ Sobbing ]

[ Bawling ] Mama!

[ Crying Continues ] Oh, God!

- You! - Fuck you, pal!

- Fuck you back. - Fuck your mother! - Oh, yeah?

- No one would fuck my mother 'cause she's too ugly! - We've been through this!

- Excuse me. What seems to be the problem here? - This guy-- pecker face.

This guy's a jerk. All right, Brian. You know what? Enough.

Let me handle this. Check on the ski packages. Yeah.

Over near the Maui getaways. Remember? Since the changeover?

Yeah, I got 'em. I am so sorry.

Brian's had a little problem with the-- and the--

and the-- and the--

Oh. Yeah, bad news.

But now he's doing fine. He's doing a lot of great work with unwed teenage mothers.

[ Chuckles ] So-- All right.

[ Clears Throat ] Let's see.

Seven-day, six-night vacation cruise. Is that correct?

That's the one, yeah. Right.

Yeah. Right.

Okay.

You guys are set, gentlemen.

I think you'll have a very good time. Please enjoy your vacation.

Thank you very much. And you should probably do something about that guy.

Don't worry. I've already taken care of it. Good.

And hey, I'm a letter writer.

Duly noted. All right.

Bye-bye, now.

I'm too upset to work ski packages.

I can't believe you took care of them.

I took care of them, all right.

'Cause no one calls my little pecker a pecker.

Huh? Yeah.

Yeah. [ Giggling ]

Wow! Look at the size of that thing!

And just think-- it's filled with available women.

Yeah, and here's the beauty part of the whole thing.

They can't get away from us. We'll be in the middle of the ocean.

They can try, but they'll drown or get eaten by sharks.

It's perfect!

You know, sometimes I think there's something seriously wrong with you.

I can live with that. [ Guffawing ]

Excuse me. Can I ask you something? Yes.

You board everybody on this ship, right? Yes, sir.

Let me ask you a question, guy-to-guy.

Is there a lot of sweet ass on this ship? I'm sure you'll be very happy.

Yes! Hear that, Jer? Hey, hey!

All righty! Whoo!

A boat filled with hot, beautiful women!

Yes! Awesome, awesome awesome!

Can't you just feel the sexy, lovely creatures...

boarding this love boat as we speak?

Watch out! I'm comin '! ♪ No, not, no, not ba

♪ Bee-ba, ba-ba, bee-ba ♪♪

Yeah, yeah. Whoo! Nick, you're right! This is great!

Yeah, you know!

[ Nick Yells ] Hey, what's up?

How you doin'? Ooh!

Yeah! All right!

Friendly crowd, huh? Oh, yeah.

Don't you ever doubt me!

What the hell was that?

Well, uh-- Onboard entertainment.

You know? I bet Cirque du Soleil's here, like Vegas!

Oh, cool. Right?

[ Sighs ]

Hey! How are ya?

There it is-- stateroom 211.

The number that will be on everyone's lips by the end of the trip.

Let's do it.

That's weird.

Only one bed. Oh, I know why.

'Cause we're gonna be having so much sex, one guy's always gonna be sleeping out.

Yeah, right. You better hope that couch is more comfortable than it looks.

There's a mirror on the ceiling.

Excelente. That way the babes can watch me...

get my freak on! ♪♪ [ Vocalizing ]

Check this out, Jer. Four racquetball courts. Hey!

Nine cocktail lounges. Ooh.

A casino. Six and eights are running mates!

A video arcade. Onboard chest-waxing salon.

Chest waxing? Yeah, of course.

For swimmin'. Let me see that.

"Club Socrates wants you to know you'll be treated like a queen."

You mean "king." Queen. Says so right there.

That's weird. Hmm.

[ Knocking ]

Hello.

Ring, ring, ring. Everybody conga!

♪♪ [ Radio: Salsa ] ♪♪ [ Humming ]

♪ Everybody party Party, party, party ♪

♪ 5:00 today ♪ Yeah, baby!

I told you, Jer. This boat is wild!

Where's the party, sweet thing? Stateroom 209.

Ooh! Stateroom 209. Hey!

[ Low Voice ] It's casual. [ Purring ]

[ Horn Blowing ]

To fresh scratches on our backs.

- Scotch and soda, please. - Coming right up, sir.

♪♪ [ Woman Singing ]

Oh, please!

Why do they always have to play Liza?

I don't know. I kind of like Liza with a "Z."

Yeah, she's kinda cool for makin' out.

I prefer Johnny Mathis myself.

Yeah, if you're gonna make out with a dude.

That is very funny.

[ Sighs ] My name is Faversham. Lloyd Faversham.

Nick Ragoni. Nick.

Jerry. It's your first cruise?

No, my third. And you?

- Number one. - Oh.

Then you are going to positively adore it.

- It is one wild, decadent week. - That's why we're here, right?

All-night parties. Excellent.

- Midnight skinny-dipping. - Sign me up!

And if you're into it, lots of sex,

sex, sex.

You hear that, Jer? All the sex a man could want.

Well, then you must visit the hole-in-one room.

Oh, they have an onboard driving range.

Some of the chaps down there do swing some very large clubs.

Hmm. You two have an open relationship?

Open? What do you mean by "open relationship"?

I mean, do you date?

Of course we date. That's why we're here. Yeah!

That's absolutely wonderful. We must get together sometime, go for a midnight swim.

Do whatever feels right.

That is what a gay cruise is all about.

♪♪ [ Liza Minnelli Continues Singing ]

I see.

Hear that, Jerry?

We can do whatever we want, whatever feels right.

That's what a gay cruise is all about.

Whatever we want to do, we can do it...

because it's a gay cruise.

It's a gay cruise, Jerry! Not a bi cruise! It's a gay cruise!

Capital "G," capital "A," capital "Y-M-C-A"...

gay cruise, Jerry!

Damn, damn, damn!

I wonder how many other people made the same mistake I did.

No one! Shit!

Jerry! Don't worry, buddy!

I'm bringing you back home. I'm gonna get you out of here. Let's go!

Help! Help! Somebody help us!

We're straight!

We're straight! Hey! Nick!

Stop acting like a jerk! We'll figure this out.

- What are we gonna do? We gotta get off this boat. - Ooh!

We gotta get off! Excuse me, sir. You know where we can get off real quick?

Try the hole-in-one room. I'm starting to think that's not a real driving range.

In fact, I'm convinced of it.

Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it!

We're trapped like rats!

What?

I checked our itinerary.

We don't dock for four days.

- Why do I ever listen to you? - Are you implying that this is somehow my fault?

Oh, I'm not implying it. I'm saying it.

If you hadn't insulted that travel agent, none of this would've happened!

Maybe there's another explanation.

Yeah? What?

Maybe that travel agent thought he was doing you a favor...

because, uh, you know--

- Because what? - Because you're a little femme, that's why!

You always dress real nice, you're in shape, you're neat!

Oh, and you use those pastel-colored balls at the bowling alley.

Don't think that got past me!

You're an idiot, a thickheaded moron!

Felicia was right. I should've dumped your ass years ago!

If you wanted to dump someone's ass years ago, it should've been Felicia's!

Oh! That chick was Satan's sister.

Yeah, devil with a "D" cup!

Felicia was as frosty a bitch as I've ever seen! I'm gonna kill ya!

I'm gonna kill you! [ Grunting ]

I knew I heard choo-chi, pom-pom time!

- Choo-choo-choo-choo! - Don't get the wrong idea!

Oh, Hector always get the wrong idea.

That is why he's no longer welcome in the state of Missouri.

Buddy, you pranced into the wrong cabin.

My friend and I-- We're not gay. Huh.

[ Sputters, Laughs ] Ring-ring! Hold the phone.

- You're telling me you two guys are not gay. - That's right.

Oh, pull Hector's other leg. It's got bells on it.

I'm getting out of here.

Gee, what hasn't gotten into him?

Out!

♪♪ [ Piano ] [ Men ] ♪ Whoa, here he comes ♪

♪ Watch out, boy He'll chew you up ♪

♪ Whoa, here he comes He's a maneater ♪

♪ Whoa, here he comes ♪

♪ Watch out, boy He'll chew you up ♪

♪ Whoa, here he comes He's a maneater ♪

♪ I wouldn't if I were you ♪♪

[ Applause ]

[ Man ] Bachelor Number Two, what's the most unusual place that you ever made love?

Well, once I did it in a dressing room at International Male.

Right. And how 'bout you, Bachelor Number Three?

What's the most unusual place that you ever made love?

- Inside a woman. - [ Audience Laughing ]

[ Groans ]

Hey, who we gotta screw to get a drink around here?

[ Snickering ] Whoop.

Oop.

Ooh. Ooh. Hey, buddy, you okay?

Do I look gay?

Never saw an old, gay grandpa before.

Aah. Whoo-hoo.

Where are all the gay people at?

Y'all always supposed to wanna party.

Oops. Oop.

Ooh!

[ Gasps ]

- Are you okay? - I'm fine!

[ Thinking ] Men on dates, holding hands, touching, kissing.

I can't take it. Gotta think.

Not good at it. Took too much shop in high school.

[ Helicopter Whirring ]

Help! Pick me up!

Get me out of here!

Hey, drop down a ladder!

I like girls! [ Passing Overhead ]

[ Wailing ]

Please! Please come back!

[ Metal Banging ] [ Helicopter Sputtering ]

Ohh!

Oh, my-- [ Crashes Into Water ]

Jesus!

Oop.

Flare gun. I don't know anything about a flare gun. I swear I was here all night.

A flare gun? I don't know anything about a flare gun. I was here all night.

Flare gun? I don't know nothing about no stinking flare gun!

[ Door Opening ] Oh, shit.

Okay, here we are.

You should go change now. Where's your robe?

Okay.

Okay, I give up! I give up! I did it!

Hey, Jer. How was your evening?

Hi. Your friend had a little too much to drink.

She thinks I'm drunk.

Ah, Nicky, Nicky! All right, all right.

I fell in the pool! Oh! Ooh! Ooh!

[ Nick ] Ah, you're sitting on my balls!

Okay, um, I'm gonna leave you two alone.

Good night. Oh, you're gettin' me all wet.

[ Nick Groans ]

Jerry! Wake up! I'm starvin'.

Come on, Jerry. [ Snoring ]

Dude, don't make me go up there by myself. Get up.

Jerry!

Screw it. What am I afraid of? [ Snoring ]

How gay could a buffet be?

♪♪ [ Instrumental ]

Is this seat taken? Actually--

I hate dining alone. Bet you feel the same way too. I'm okay with it.

I see you took the omelette, the waffles and the flapjacks.

Hungry little man, aren't you?

Would you care for a bite of my sausage?

In England, we call them bangers. Eww!

Captain, could you come over here a minute, please?

Captain, there's a small craft off the starboard bow...

that's trying to get our attention. [ Grunts ]

[ All Yelling ] Help! Help!

Somebody save us! Somebody save us! Help!

Jesus! Sound the alarm.

All hands on dick. Deck.

Deck!

Hot tea?

Why don't you have a seat?

For you.

Oh, my God!

- I must be dreaming. Somebody pinch me. - Sure. My pleasure.

Ow! I didn't say on my ass!

You didn't not say it. I didn't think I had to specify.

Jesus.

Nick, Nick! You gotta help me out.

Remember that woman that dragged me to the room last night?

I can't get her off my mind. She kissed me. Technically, it was mouth-to-mouth.

But it was fabulous. I mean, I gotta find her. I was so wasted la--

Who are they? The answer to our prayers, Jerry.

Twelve of the most gorgeous creatures I've ever seen.

Ooh. But I'm not greedy.

I'll share. Go ahead.

Pick two.

No. This girl was fabulous.

She's special. I gotta find her.

Ooh! She's special, special.

Hello.

H-H-Hi.

Who are you? I'm Nick Ragoni, the most grateful man on the planet.

I'm Inga. Very pleasurable to meet you.

How'd you all get here?

We are the Swedish suntanning team on our way to the Hawaiian Tropics competition in bars.

Some bonehead shot down our helicopter.

Coach had to make water landing.

I didn't think this was gonna happen until I died and went to heaven.

It's lucky thing we were picked up by a boat full of homo boys.

It would be terrible to have straight men hassling and ogling us...

while we're trying to work on our even tan lines.

Oh, you're so right.

Lucky I'm gay!

I'm super gay. I'm mega-- I'm gay-normous!

I'm so gay.

But that's good, 'cause now you guys can all feel comfortable...

in front of me and take off your tops and stuff.

And I can do this for you.

I can put tanning oils and creamy lotions...

all over your luscious bodies!

And there won't be any worries from you because...

I'm so gay! [ Laughs ]

♪ When you need something Don't stop, don't stop ♪ [ Nick Moaning ]

Oh, yeah. Yeah, baby! Yeah, baby!

Almost finished! Yeah!

[ Screaming ]

Okay, let's do the back.

The first time I think I realized I was gay...

was when I was around 12, in scouts.

I really liked putting on that kerchief.

In fact, it was the only part I liked about it.

That and the nude swimming.

Anyway, I hope you gals all feel comfortable around me!

- [ All ] Ja, Nick. - 'Cause I sure do feel comfortable around you.

All done! Who's next? How 'bout you, Ursula?

Ready for your second coat? Uh-oh, these thighs look a little dry.

There we go. [ Laughing ]

- What do you want? - [ Ferocious Growling ]

What the hell is that?

I got this from that dude over there. He's hot.

You are no gay homo man.

I am Sonya, coach of tanning team.

- What? - Quiet! As long as these women are in training,

there will be no trouser snakes near their hot, luscious po-pos!

Put me down! Coach of the tanning team. That's ridiculous!

If I want to talk to any of these ladies, I will,

and there's not a damn thing you can do to stop me!

- Oh, yeah? - [ Nick Screams, Groans ]

[ Barks ] What the hell happened to you?

I died and went to heaven,

and then some muscle-bound blond dwarf knocked me back down to hell.

- What? - You know those 12 gorgeous hotties?

- They got a goddamn bodyguard. - Oh.

I can take disappointments, Jer, but little Nicky,

he's already known such heartache in his short life.

Then I guess all three of us struck out.

I still can't find that girl. I've looked everywhere.

You know,

I've kissed Felicia for four years and never felt anything like I felt last night.

That girl was special. I gotta find her.

You're abandoning me? What am I supposed to do?

It's a luxury cruise. Not everything's gay-oriented.

[ Man ] No more bets!

Red three is the winner.

[ Cackling ] Beautiful.

Poker. This is gonna be sweet!

These trouser pilots are no match for a lusty hetero like myself.

This will be like taking candy from a baby.

Why is that? Are gay men notoriously bad gamblers?

Awful! They can't bluff.

They look at cards, they start giggling. It's terrible.

Nick, promise me you won't act like a gay-bashing, narrow-minded Neanderthal.

Buddy, you're talking to me.

The lady, couple of ducks-- quack, quack-- possible flush.

Hello, gays-- guys. Mind if I join you?

Sure thing, gorgeous.

I can't remember-- does a straight beat a flush?

[ Cash Register Ringing ] [ Nick ] Damn!

- I really thought I had that one. - Listen, Nick.

I don't want you to take offense, but can I give you a piece of advice?

What? Don't clear your throat.

What?

Every time you bluff, you clear your throat. I do?

- Mm-hmm. - Don't play the cards.

Play the players. [ Sighs ]

All right, here we go. Ante up, five in the chute, three-card monte.

Kings to win. Here we go. Uh, and there's a winner.

We got a winner.

Hey, you.

- [ Whimpers ] - Unbelievable.

That was embarrassing!

They offer a pool safety class on board. You should check it out.

Let me give you a hand.

I'm Gabriella.

I'm-- I'm Jerry.

♪♪ [ Humming ]

Oh, boy!

Hi Hi!

You like?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, the ice cream. Yeah, that's okay.

Coach would kill me if she knew I broke training,

but I no can help.

I am-- What is the word?

Oral.

That's the word,

and what a wonderful word it is.

I'm so lonely.

Coach is being very strict about keeping us away from men...

during tanning season.

It's too bad you're gay, Nick. Good night.

Inga, wait, wait, wait.

I've always been curious about your country. You mind if I ask you something?

Yeah. What would you like to know about, Nick?

Our cities, our lakes and rivers,

our safe and sturdy automobiles?

I'm a big fan of your cinema. I've rented quite a bit of it.

I've noticed your people's progressive attitudes towards premarital sex.

So what I was wondering is,

theoretically, if my own sexual orientation were to be--

If you're asking if I'd sleep with you if you were straight, the answer is ja.

And? And? Ja means yes, right? And.

Inga, I have a surprise for you. I'm straight.

I'm as straight as a Volvo going down an Oslo toll road.

Oslo is in Norway.

The point is, we can make love.

I know that's the best news I've ever heard.

I'm in cabin 4433. Meet me in five minuten.

You got it. Five minuten.

And not a minuten more.

Hello. Are there any condoms available on the ship?

[ Knocking ]

Come in. Door is open.

Mm-hmm.

Coach!

Change in room assignments. You bunk with Pia.

- But why, Coach? - You cannot be trusted with mini bar.

You are in training. But, Coach, I eat nothing all day.

You ate yesterday, ja? [ Loud Slap ]

Your butt is disgusting. Wait, I'd better double check.

[ Gasping ] Ja. Disgusting.

[ Gasping ] Both cheeks.

Oh, and, and, and. Move it, fatty!

Knock it off and go to bed. All right, Coach.

Thank you for lending me your jacket.

- So what do you do on this ship? - I'm a dance teacher.

Wow. Teaching dance must be fun. It can be.

You know, especially on the gay cruises.

- They're much more fun than the straight ones. - Why is that?

You go on the straight cruises and all you meet are these... horny creeps.

Oh. I got a friend like that.

[ Sighs ]

I bet men hit on you all the time.

You've got a hot ass.

- Excuse me? - Your ass-- it's hot.

Thanks.

- Your butt's nothin' to sneeze at either. - Ooh.

So... you must have a boyfriend.

No, no, no, no. No boyfriend. Really?

- Why not? - Because every boyfriend I've ever had...

has turned out to be a son of a bitch.

Not every guy's a-- I know what you're thinking. I haven't met the right guy.

Trust me, honey, I've met every type out there and it's pretty bad.

Liars, guys with two wives,

guys with commitment issues, guys with parole issues.

You name it, I've dated them all,

which is why I'm so relieved to be on this boat.

There's not one straight man in sight.

Excuse me? It's so great.

I can really be myself. I don't care about makeup, about what I'm wearing.

If a guy's talking to me because he wants to get into my pants--

Gabriella, um-- You know what else?

Let's say I do get horny.

Maybe I can even find a gay guy, and he can do me the favor.

"The favor"?

How do we say in English?

Make me scream, make me moan,

screw my brains out.

Ooh.

I don't mean to be a bitch,

but these staterooms could use a bit more color.

All right, girls. Time for jumping jacks.

And one, two,

three, four,

five, six, seven, eight--

Now we are laying down to sleep,

our hot, tight bodies the Lord will keep.

Inga, darling. It's me, Nicky.

I'm here!

Oh, Reverend Lindstrom, nej.

This wouldn't do. What would the bishop say?

Who's knocking at my drawers?

- Oh, my-- - [ Cracking ]

Take Mama downtown, baby!

Oh, Mama!

Help me, Jesus! [ Babbling ]

[ Nick Screaming ]

Oh!

[ Nick Screaming ]

[ Gasping ]

♪ She put the lime in the coconut and shake 'em all up ♪

- No no no. Yes, yes, yes, yes. - Get off me!

Oh, why?

♪ Put the lime in the coconut and drink 'em all up ♪ [ Coach Giggling ]

♪ Put the lime in the coconut and drink 'em all up ♪♪

- [ Screams, Grunts ] - What's that?

It's coming from the coach's room.

- [ All Gasp ] - [ Sighs ]

Smokin' sturgeon! Coach's pussy just blew up!

Was good for me. Ja.

♪ Sometimes it's hard to be a woman ♪

♪ Givin' all your love to just one man ♪

♪ You'll have bad times You'll have good times ♪

♪ Doin' things that you don't understand ♪

Oh, baby.

♪ But if you love him you'll forgive him ♪

♪ Even though he's hard to understand ♪

♪ And if you love him ♪

♪ Oh, be proud of him ♪

♪ 'Cause after all he's just a man ♪

♪ Stand by your man ♪

♪ Give him two arms to cling to ♪

♪ And something warm to come to when the nights are cold and lonely ♪

♪ Stand by your man ♪♪

[ Jerry ] I gotta tell you, Nick, she's so great.

We had so much fun. We talked, we laughed.

Oh, can you hand me one of those cheese-flavored penises?

Gabriella's everything I've ever wanted in a woman.

I even pierced my ear for her. Make sure it's the right ear.

Of course it's--

Yeah, I better look into that. How was your evening?

Let's just say I had some bad shellfish and leave it at that.

Hey! Hold on. [ Jerry ] Here she comes.

Grab my ass. What, are you crazy?

I told her I was gay. Now, wet your lips and look at me lovingly.

- I look like a homo to you? - Yes, an out-of-shape one, but we have those too.

Thank you very much. That's enough. Move it along. Nothing to see here. Bye-bye.

- What do you want me to do, act like I'm gay-- Ow! - Hi, boys!

I don't believe you two have formally been introduced. This is my life partner.

I'm not his life-- Ow! He's a little seasick this morning.

Maybe he's just a little lovesick. Right!

[ Screaming ] [ Bone Cracks ]

- We're into S&M. - Oh, okay.

Nick, maybe if you feel better later, you would like to come to my new class?

Yeah? It's dirty dancing.

Ooh, dirty dancing. Ooh, so taboo.

What the hell's wrong with you? "He's my life partner!"

You need to keep an open mind. Nick, hey!

It's only for a few days. Quit bugging me.

I'm getting my nuts handed to me on a platter. I wouldn't mind seeing that.

Don't say it!

Why not? 'Cause I won't, that's why.

Be a friend. As a friend, you're a wiener.

Now buzz off! I'm trying to concentrate on my workout.

You're not workin' out.

Nick, if you do me this one favor, I promise you I--

Nick!

Come on. Listen, I'm begging you.

[ Loud Slap ] [ Man ] Aaah!

Maybe I'll skip the steam. That's a good idea.

Hey. Listen.

After what happened with Felicia,

I thought I'd never feel this way about a girl again.

Why are you making such a big deal about this girl?

She's a classic man hater! No, no, no!

See, Gabriella doesn't mean it.

She's just had bad luck with guys she dates because they only wanna have sex with her.

You know the type. [ Mock Laugh ]

Don't ever take sides against the guys!

Nick, I just need a few days to get to know her,

and then I'll tell her the truth.

Why are you hiding from that woman?

Hiding! I'm not hiding. I have a cramp.

Nick, I'm desperate. What if I offered to pay you?

Pay me! How dare you?

You think I'd sacrifice my dignity, my self-esteem, my whole way of life...

for a few measly dollars?

No! Five hundred cash?

I'll do it!

Come closer. You're too far away. No!

Hey, hey, hey! Beautiful! Very nice, everyone. I love it.

Jerry, you're light on your feet.

Yeah, this whole place is light on its feet. Ow!

No, Nick. Your body's too stiff. Listen to me.

Your body, too stiff. I want you to loosen up. Come on.

There you go. Move it. Then go and dance by yourself.

And feel the music, Nick. Feel it.

Feel it.

Hmm.

[ Chuckling ]

Okay, everyone. Change partners.

Cha-cha, cha-cha-cha. We meet again.

I hope that's your belt buckle I feel back there.

You know, from the moment we met, I felt...

there was an electrical charge between us.

I think your pacemaker's shortin' out.

How did you know I like to be humiliated?

Look, Lloyd, you're barking up the wrong tree here.

Oh, I know!

You want to lead.

Lloyd, I'm not...

interested.

That's all right. I'm a patient man. I can wait.

I'm also very rich.

You know, I'd like to spoil you, Nick,

take you places you've never been,

show you things you've never seen.

I'd like to-- [ Whispering ]

Jerry!

Cha-cha-cha.

That's it.

You're a really good dance teacher. Really?

Yes. It's fun to teach a class like this.

I always felt too self-conscious to really...

cut loose, you know?

We have our review here on board. It's like an amateur night thing.

Think you'll be interested? Too public.

I'm more of a closet dancer.

That's a shame because I'm the choreographer.

Really? Mm-hmm.

Well, for you I might just waltz out of the closet.

You know, it's strange.

What's that?

The way you stare at me sometimes...

or the way you touch me, like that right now,

is exactly the way a straight guy would.

Me? Straight? [ Laughs ]

Girlfriend, please.

Whoo! Nobody's gotta teach me how to be gay.

Bette Midler is also known...

as the Divine Miss--

"M"? Ah, very good!

Very good. Oh, sorry.

Okay, now describe the Brandy Alexander you're drinking.

Mmm... refreshing.

No, no, no! It is to die for!

Also acceptable is divine, marvelous, yummy and ooh-la-la.

Got it. Mm-hmm.

[ Both ] ♪ At first I was afraid I was petrified ♪

♪ Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side ♪

♪ But then I spent so many nights ♪

♪ Thinking how you did me wrong ♪

♪ Then I grew strong ♪

♪ And I learned how to get along ♪

♪ And now you're back ♪

♪ From outer space ♪

♪ I just walked in to see you there with that sad look upon your-- ♪♪

Why you stop singing? Whoo!

Oh, I don't know the words. Aah!

You want to convince people you are gay, and you don't know the words to "I Will Survive"?

Singing disco tunes and wearing calypso outfits is not gonna convince Gabriella I'm gay.

Hector, this is stupid.

♪♪ [ Humming "I Will Survive" ]

Are you humming "I Will Survive"? That's right.

And I know all the words. ♪♪ [ Humming ]

You're looking at me like I'm crazy. I'm not.

You know what? Champagne usually makes me act crazy too.

Champagne, ocean air.

Strange things might happen.

I might turn into a raging heterosexual.

I should be so lucky. Can you imagine?

You know what? Let's get this party on its feet. Come on.

♪ I'm feelin' good from my head to my shoes ♪ ♪ Feelin' good ♪

♪ Know where I'm going and I know what to do ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I tidied up my point of view I got a new attitude ♪

♪ New attitude, yeah ♪

♪ I'm in control and my worries are few ♪

♪ 'Cause I've got love like I never knew ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ I got a new attitude ♪♪

Inga, it's me, Nicky.

[ Knocking ] Hurry up.

Nicky. So Mr. Tongue has a name.

I'm sorry about what happened. You don't have to hit me. The deed was punishment enough.

No no no.

If we ever hook up again, I want to show you... I can reciprocate.

Reciprocate?

Whoo! Ooh.

- [ Groans ] - [ Grunting ]

♪ I don't want nobody else but you ♪

♪ So let me pull you close And let me love you through and through ♪

♪ I don't want nobody else but you ♪

♪ It's time to get away have a tête-à-tête for two ♪

♪ Shake, shake shake, shake your body ♪

♪ Come on, boy let's have a party ♪

♪ Break out the congas and play 'em loud ♪

♪ Shake up shake up the party ♪

♪ Come on, boy we don't need nobody ♪

♪ Together I know we'll tear up the town ♪♪

- Hey, Nick! - Hey, fresh meat. Have a seat, Nick.

We can always use a little extra spending money.

I need a quiet game of poker. Sorry I'm late, boys.

Had a little trouble squeezing into these panty hose.

- So, what's the game? - Five-card stud.

Mm-hmm. Very appropriate. Let's play some cards.

I'm tired, Jerry.

You want something to drink? Whoa, whoa. One more.

♪♪ [ Singing In French ]

♪♪ [ French Continues ]

[ Thunder Rumbling ]

Hector.

You've been on a boat before. Is it safe?

Of course it's safe, as long as you are responsible.

Oh, you mean the storm. That I do not know.

[ Thunderclap ] Whoo!

Let me ask you something. How many cruises have you been on?

Including this one? That would make it... one.

You see, I only recently come all the way out of the closet.

Recently? Really? Mmm.

- I would figure kindergarten. - No, but let me tell you, it wasn't easy.

But it's better to be true to yourself than to lie to the world.

Must have taken a lot of guts. It's funny, you know.

These guys I'm playing poker with-- Steven, Tom, Ron.

Steven's a doctor. A gay heart surgeon. Who would have thought?

Ron's a criminal defense attorney. He represents badass dudes.

Tom's a cross-dressing pastry chef.

Okay, I would have guessed that, but still...

they're a great bunch of guys.

So what are you saying? What am I saying?

What I'm saying is, I kind of wanted to hang out more with these guys,

but there was a part of me that felt it was somehow...

wrong to be friends with gay men.

And that... makes me feel like a jerk.

Sit. Come on. Sit.

[ Sighs ] You know, my papa,

he used to think that to be gay was muy malo,

a big shame.

He no talk to me for 20 years, his own blood.

Then when he's sick, he's dying, h-he ask for me,

he say to me, "Hector,

"I waste so much time.

"We all God's children.

I'm so sorry."

He said, he's sorry.

Ooh.

Uh--

You see, my papi, he like you. He no jerk.

He just need to learn.

You learn too, my friend.

[ Door Closes ]

[ Jerry, Gabriella Laughing ]

Ohh! Ow, I'm hurting.

[ Thunderclap ] Oh, it feels so good to get off my feet!

Ohh! I couldn't agree with you more.

You know what?

I've got to get out of these clothes.

I couldn't agree with you more.

Listen, would you mind doing me a huge,

huge favor?

Would you spend the night with me? What?

Yeah, you know, it's the storm.

I wouldn't mind huddling under the covers with somebody.

You think Nick would mind?

Oh--

Fuck Nick. [ Thunderclap ]

Is this storm gettin' worse...

or am I too drunker?

I have a theory.

I think if we drank more,

we might be able to maintain perfect equilibrium.

I'll try that...

in the pursuit of... science.

I'll get us another round. I have a better idea.

I have a 50-year-old bottle of cognac...

in my room,

and I'm gonna go get it.

I'll go with you.

I could use the exercise.

All right.

[ Gabriella ] Jerry. We can get up from under the covers.

I think the storm was over like half an hour ago.

That's one hell of a storm, though.

You know what? I have something you're gonna love!

Mmm! Get ready to have an orgasm. What?

Open wide.

Mmm. Good?

- Mm-hmm. - [ Moans, Sighs ]

- Do me. - You're so lucky I'm gay.

Oh! Mmm!

[ Moaning ]

- Can I ask you something? - Shoot.

- How do you do it? - Do what?

- Give head. - What?

A blow job. I mean, do you start on the tip of his penis?

Do you stroke it while you use your mouth?

Do you tickle the balls? Not everybody likes that.

As a person who gives them and receives them, you must know the perfect way.

Show me. Oh! Uh--

What? Uh--

Okay.

A--

Um-- [Chuckles]

What? Eh-- You--

Nothing smaller then?

You know, I got an idea.

Why don't you show me your technique, and then I'll critique it?

Okay. Okay.

Yeah. So look.

First,

I slowly lick the tip with my tongue, right?

Uh-huh.

[ Moans ]

- Right? - That's good.

Then I gently go down the shaft with my lips.

[ Kissing ]

And at the same time, I tickle the balls very softly.

Then I trill my tongue all the way... [ Moans ]

back to the top.

Then I wet my lips,

[ Moans ]

I do a little playful nibbling...

and then I slip in my mouth.

[ Speaks Spanish ]

[ Spanish ]

How's that?

- Jerry? - That's fine!

[ Foghorn Bellows ]

For goodness sake, Lloyd, at least kiss me first.

[ Laughing ] No, you didn't.

Oh, yes, I did.

Oh, now where did I put that bag?

I'm just gonna lay down.

[ Snores ]

[ Groans ] Got it.

[ Snoring ]

Now, before we go back up with the boys,

what do you say we do a couple of shots?

[ Giggling ] You're a goddamn genius.

Here you go.

Oh. [ Scoffs ]

[ Snoring ]

[ Moans ]

[ Screaming ] Oh,

my... God!

Gosh!

What are you doing?

I have a horrible taste in my mouth, and I can't get rid of it.

What, did you eat something weird?

Yeah. Oh--

I did a bad, bad thing, Jerry. What?

You know how the sea air makes you disoriented,

and I was blitzed from the drinking and the partying, and I-I--

I slept with a man, Jerry.

Very funny.

No, it's not.

I just woke up in Ron's state room... with Ron.

What?

I've chased a lot of women, Jerry.

But to be honest,

I've never actually scored with one since I was a senior in high school,

and then I had to promise to marry her.

A 51-year-old coffee shop waitress...

and stroke victim...

with a fake leg...

and a lazy eye...

and a mole with teeth-- I-I got it.

What I'm trying to say is,

maybe I'm meant to do more than just play cards with these guys, Jerry.

[ Scoffs ] I'm finally happy.

I'm so happy.

I'm gay.

[ Gabriella ] One, two, three,

four, five, six,

seven, eight--

And one, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight.

Good. Good work, guys.

Good work. Hector, try not shaking your ass so much.

You mean in the dance or in real life?

Okay, guys, thank you so much for coming.

I'll see you back here tonight at 11:00.

Jerry, you are looking fierce up there.

Oh-- [ Laughing ]

I can't remember when I've had this much fun.

You know, you are just great.

Hey,

are you gonna go to the island? I am.

Do you want me to be your tour guide? I know the island very well.

That would be yummy.

Yummy? Uh, let's go.

Nicholas, I was beginning to wonder about you.

I'm glad to see that you finally got that luscious,

full-figured frame of yours in the right dinghy.

It's amazing. A day ago I would have seriously thought about...

punching you in the face for saying something like that.

This place is paradise. Oh, yeah. We're gonna have an awesome time.

I'll say. I can already feel the men around here undressing me with their eyes.

You hungry? You want to get something to eat? Nope. I have a better idea.

Let's go exploring first. Great.

Daddy, thanks so much for finding out where Jerry is for me.

Yeah, I'm sure things are gonna work out too.

Bye-bye. Love you, Daddy.

How do I get to the Olympia Voyager? Right this way, madam.

Be careful with those bags. They're worth more than you make in a year.

[Chuckling] Have a nice trip.

Bitch.

Hey, Nick. How ya doin'?

Hey, fine. I'm not sore or anything.

Hey, buddy, about last night,

I understand why it happened.

I mean, uh, I'm pretty charismatic,

and if the moon hits me in just the right way,

I can look pretty damn tasty.

You know, you're okay too,

but, uh, I'd just really rather we stay friends.

All right. Me too, Nick.

Yeah? Wow. Yeah.

If I would have said that to a chick, she'd be a total mess right now.

I'm starting to see the upside to this whole thing. [ Marching Approaching ]

If you do what Sonya says-- one, two, three, four.

Woke up with no tanning cream, now you're off the tanning team.

One, two, three, four-- Coach,

look, it's the Hawaiian Tropic team.

[ Swedish ]

[ Man ] Hey, break it up, ladies. Come on. Move.

Come on. Take it easy.

[ Whistles ] Break it up. Break it up.

Save it for the tanning competition.

Bad! You are bad! Everybody move out now!

Okay, girls, get your heinies on the donkeys...

now!

Nick?

I just wanted to say good-bye. I'm going to the airport now.

Inga, it was great almost knowing you.

Nick, if you're ever near Gettzemüllersteigen, Sweden,

I would love to see you again.

I don't think so, baby.

I don't think this is gonna work out.

But I thought you liked me, Nick.

I'm confused.

[ Sighs ] So am I. You don't even know.

You better hurry. You have an ass to catch.

[ Sniffling ]

And you? Huh. Hey.

[ Sonya ] And we go.

Oh, that feels good.

Hey, Nick. About last night,

you don't think anything happened, do you?

What do you think happened?

Nothing. You and I drank too much and then fell asleep.

Are you sure? Yeah.

No!

[Cackling] None!

Well, I think we lost that one forever.

A lot of potential in that boy.

Could have been one of the great ones.

I saw in him what I saw in Elton John. Mmm.

What do you think?

That is so great.

- But I'm not nearly that pretty. - You are to me.

You know, you are so talented, Jerry.

You think so? Wow. Absolutely.

[ Snickers ]

Why the funny look? Oh, nothing. It's--

No one's ever encouraged my drawing before.

Well, that's crazy, because you're wonderful.

Let's go take a walk on the beach. Come on.

Oh, it's so rocky.

Jerry, stop being so delicate all the time.

[ Scoffs ] I'm not delicate.

[ Whimpering ] Oh, oh, oh, oh. Okay, I'm delicate!

And it's hot!

Come on. I know what we can do. Let's go cool off.

♪ As I'm kissing you ♪ Oh.

♪ As I'm kissing you ♪

I'm not that delicate. Ooh, ah.

♪ Boy, the taste of your lips pulls me in deeper ♪

H-H-Here I come! ♪ Nothing else would compare ♪

♪ Or ever be sweeter ♪

♪ With every breath you've got me drowning in desire ♪

♪ So hold me tight And, baby, never let me go ♪

♪ As I'm kissing you ♪ ♪ As I'm kissing you ♪

♪ My world seems brighter ♪

♪ Boy, tell me do you feel this fire too ♪

♪ I think I'm losin' my heart to you, darlin' ♪ ♪ Losin' my heart ♪

♪ Are you ready to catch me ♪

♪ I'm fallin' in love ♪

Had your vitamin C today?

You know, you really make me laugh.

Mmm.

I'm so glad we met. [ Gasps ]

Mm-hmm.

You know, it really is a shame...

to let this place go to waste.

Just a friendly kiss. Mmm.

[ Moaning ]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Jerry, I don't want to feel like I am pressuring you...

into doing something you don't want to do.

Oh, I want to do this very badly.

Really? Yes.

Okay. So, let me be your guide.

And I promise, I'm gonna-- I'm gonna be gentle.

I'm gonna be patient.

And we're gonna take it very, very slowly.

- Great. - [ Screams ]

[ Gasping ]

Ooh!

[ Moaning ]

♪ As I'm kissing you ♪

♪ As I'm kissing you ♪ [ Gabriella Moaning ]

♪ As I'm kissing you ♪

♪ Are you ready to catch me I'm fallin' in love ♪♪

Jerry, Jerry,

you're a really quick study.

That's enough foreplay.

Excuse me. Could you ring Jerry Robinson's room, please?

Certainly.

[ Chuckles ] [ Ringing ]

No one seems to be answering, ma'am.

Oh-- Could you give me his room number?

I'm sorry. We're not allowed to divulge that information.

Would you like to leave a message?

No, thanks. I want to surprise him.

Thank you.

[ Scoffs ]

Want to have dinner with me tonight?

No. Why not?

Because I'm falling in love with you.

You are?

Yes, I am.

And out of all the dumb,

boneheaded romantic moves I've made over the years,

you see, this will be the dumbest.

No-No-No. Wait, Gabriella. This-This could work.

How do you think this is gonna work?

I can't make you into something you're not, Jerry.

I do that with every man I fall for,

and it has to stop.

Besides, you already have someone. No, I don't.

What about Nick?

Uh--

That's just... physical.

Listen. I have to accept who you really are.

I really want to be alone right now.

[ Squeals ]

[ Clears Throat ] Hi.

Hi.

It's kind of nice seeing another woman on board.

Oh, tell me about it.

All I've seen are men, most of them gay.

Well, it is a gay cruise.

[ Sighs ]

- What'd you just say? - You didn't know?

No. I came on board to get back together with my boyfriend.

I don't get it. Why in the world would he be on a g--

[ Elevator Dings ]

Good luck.

Thanks.

Hector! Ooh--

[ Crash ]

Have you seen Gabriella? No, I've been looking for her myself.

Everything is falling apart. The music is not ready--

Victor, the lead dancer, is seasick.

And look at my costume. Huh? It hangs.

It's supposed to drape.

Okay. If you see Gabriella, could you give her this message for me, please?

[ Screams ]

How could I have been so blind?

I mean, the signs were right in front of my eyes.

[ Hiccups ] Foreign films,

Rabbit convertible,

gourmet mustards--

Wait.

Maybe he's only curious.

I mean, there was that one time when I was in college,

my roommate Bianca and I, we shared a Jacuzzi.

[ Chuckling ] Whoa. Now that got kind of hot.

Oh.

I got to go, Bob. Keep the change. Thanks.

Think twice before you--

♪ Blow the man down ♪

[ Hector ] Woo-hoo-hoo! Thank you.

Okay. Get everybody ready for the next number. They have less than a minute.

What?

Nobody told me Victor was too sick to dance. Who's gonna be the lead?

♪ I'm comin' ♪

♪ Comin' out ♪

♪ I'm comin' ♪ I'm comin'...

♪ Out ♪ out.

Oh, my God.

[ Lip-synching ] ♪ I'm comin' out ♪

♪ I want the world to know Got to let it show ♪

♪ I'm comin' out ♪

♪ I want the world to know Got to let it show ♪

♪ I'm comin' ♪

♪ Out ♪

♪ There's a new me comin' out ♪

♪ And I just have to live And I just wanna give ♪

♪ I'm completely positive ♪

♪ I think this time around ♪

♪ I am gonna do it like you never knew it ♪

♪ Oh, I'll make it through ♪

♪ The time has come for me to break out of this shell ♪

♪ I have to shout that I am comin' out ♪

♪ I'm comin' out ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ I want the world to know ♪

♪ Got to let it show ♪

♪ Oh, I'm comin' out ♪

♪ Comin' out ♪ ♪ I want the world to know ♪

♪ Got to let it show ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ I'm comin' ♪

♪ Out ♪

Oh--

♪ I'm comin' out ♪ ♪ Comin' ♪

♪ I want the world to know ♪ ♪ Out ♪

♪ Got to let it show ♪

♪ Whoo-oo, I'm ♪ ♪ I'm comin' out ♪

♪ Comin' ♪

♪ I want the world to know ♪ ♪ Out ♪

♪ Got to let it show ♪

♪ Comin' out ♪ ♪ I'm comin' out ♪

♪ Comin' ♪ ♪ I want the world to know ♪

♪ Out ♪ ♪ Got to let it show ♪

♪ I'm ♪ ♪ I'm comin' out ♪

♪ Comin' ♪ ♪ I want the world to know ♪

♪ Out ♪ ♪ Got to let it show ♪♪

Cocksucker!

Felicia.

I was talkin' to him.

This--

[ Crying ] [ Jerry ] Felicia!

Felicia, what are you doing here?

Don't even talk to me. I feel so humiliated.

Oh. Well, how did you find me?

What were you thinking about when we were making love-- cabana boys?

Hey, hey-- I am not gay. And to think, I wanted to be your wife!

What?

I really missed you, Jerry.

All the special times we had-- we complimented each other.

We could have built a life together.

Built a life together? Yes.

Well, what about Andre, the buffer boy?

It was just a fling. Oh--

A horrible, thoughtless, insensitive mistake. Eh--

But he showed me what I really wanted-- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

A stable, decent man who will always be there for me.

And I thought that that was you.

[ Sighs ] What are you saying? You want to get back together?

Well, I did... before I found out that you were gay.

How could you think I'm gay?

You're standing there preening like a gay peacock,

and you don't want me to think you're tutti-frutti?

For heaven's sake, Felicia!

I am not gay, and I never have been gay.

Then why the hell are you on this boat?

Nick-- Nick and I got on this cruise by mistake.

And then I met this girl and she assumed I was gay.

And then I stupidly went along with it because--

She's behind me, isn't she?

[ Sighs ]

[ Groans ]

How could you?

Gabriella, I'm sorry.

- I tried to tell you. - You're an asshole, Jerry.

[ Sighs ] I-- Ow!

[ Squeals ] [ Felicia ] Oh, oh--

Oh! Oh, oh. Not again!

Oh.

That was the girl I was talking about.

Well, looks like you had a dumb fling yourself.

I tell you what, if you can forgive me,

I can certainly forgive you.

And we can get married just like you always wanted, Jerry.

Oh, I love you, baby.

What do you say?

[ Man ] Great. Now one of the bride and groom...

staring at each other lovingly.

You look so beautiful. Thank you.

Why don't we both look beautiful?

[ Whispering ] Take out that earring.

Felicia, may I borrow Jerry for a moment?

Of course, Daddy.

Jerry, uh, before I walk my baby girl down the aisle,

tell it to me straight.

Was this little high-seas adventure of yours really an accident?

Oh, yes, sir. Definitely an accident.

Good. Good. Mm-hmm.

Now remember, report to work the Monday after the honeymoon...

at 6:00 a.m. sharp.

Yes, sir. A man with your imagination...

is really gonna love managing a muffler shop.

Oh, I'm sure I will, sir. Mm-hmm.

[ Jerry ] Felicia is good for me.

She planned this entire wedding all by herself.

Got me a great job with her father,

got us a new apartment, picked out all the linens and plates,

and as our wedding gift,

she gave me an entire new wardrobe.

Hmm.

Yep, the only decision I have left to make for the rest of my life...

is whether I want to be buried or cremated.

No, no, I take that back--

We're being buried side by side. She told me this morning.

Hey, Jerry, I'm sorry I'm late.

I had a little bit of a personal crisis this morning.

Is everything all right, Pastor? Oh, fine. Fine.

Just, uh, had a few personal issues I had to clarify, but--

Hey, it's your big day. Nothing's gonna spoil it.

Glad to see you finally made it, Reverend.

I've got a string quartet back at the Hyatt about to go into golden time.

Congratulations, sir. Thank you.

Friends of yours? Yes, sir.

I met them on the cruise. Oh.

So you accidentally hopped aboard the Guy-tanic too, huh?

How's it goin'?

I guess not.

Jerry, I'm gonna keep my eye on you.

What's up, guys? Hey, come here.

It's important. You're not gonna believe this.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

There is no more sacred contract than the bond of marriage...

and no more spiritual union...

than that between a man and a woman.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...

to bring this man and this woman...

together in the eyes of--

In the eyes of, uh--

- God? - God.

Yeah, yeah. That's what you say.

No, that's what you say.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I used to until recently.

I mean, uh, if there really was a God,

would he allow my wife to run off with a contractor...

who overcharged me for a bay window?

But that's my problem. That's my problem. I'm sorry. It's your day. Where was I?

Um, a happy marriage is the perfect human relationship,

a setting in which each partner feels free...

to be as he or she is under God's bountiful nature.

That same nature that allowed the number-five horse at Pimlico...

- to screw me in a photo finish. - [ Clears Throat ]

I'm sorry. Where was I? Ah, yeah, yeah.

Um-- Oh-- So if there is anyone present who feels there's a reason...

that these two people should not be joined together in holy matrimony,

let them speak now or forever hold their peace.

[ Minister ] Okay, fine.

Jerry, then, if there is no objection, turn to Felicia and repeat after me.

I, Jerry, take you Felicia...

to be my lawful wedded-- Stop. Wait, wait!

[ Nick ] Time out! Time out!

Nick, what are you doing?

I have to say something.

If I didn't speak now, I could never live with myself.

A couple weeks ago, Jerry and I took a cruise together.

It wasn't the cruise we intended to take, but...

it was a good thing we got on the wrong boat, because...

it changed our lives forever.

Jerry, if you marry Felicia today,

it will end up in disaster.

You need to be with the person you fell in love with on that boat.

And I know it,

because that person...

is me. Hmm?

Oh, oh! [ Screams ]

How much of that pot did you smoke?

I know where Gabriella is. If we hurry, we can catch her.

Jerry, what the hell is wrong with you?

You can't humiliate me like this in front of my family and my friends!

My dad is gonna kill you! Come on, Rocco!

- Come on, boy. - Daddy!

Move! Move!

Daddy, do something! ♪ I need love, love ♪

♪ To ease my mind ♪

Where's your car? We're not taking my car. We'd never make it across town.

Yoo-hoo! Boys! Boys. ♪ You can't hurry love ♪

♪ No, you just have to wait ♪ [ Siren Wailing ]

♪ She said love don't come easy ♪

Hector, you're a fireman. ♪ It's a game of give and take ♪

Yes. I'm September in our calendar. ♪ You can't hurry love ♪

- Hey, hey! Stop! - Thank you, Ernie, dear.

Call me! ♪ Well, how many heartaches ♪

♪ Must I stand Before I find the love ♪♪

- So where's Gabriella? - She signed up to work another cruise.

- When does she leave port? - Two hours ago.

Two hours ago?

And how am I supposed to find her in the ocean?

[ Engine Whirring ]

[ Jerry ] I can't do this!

Oh, I get motion sickness!

Yes, you can. Come on, Jerry.

You're about to be united with the woman you love.

What do you think?

Oh-- Why don't you calm down?

You are in very, very good hands.

Are you sure you know what you're doing?

I know you only think of me...

as a hard-partying old queen,

but for your information, I spent 32 years...

in the armed forces...

serving Her Majesty, the real queen.

I've seen action in five different theaters of war.

I've made over 490 drops, 23 over hostile territory.

I am what you colonials might call...

a bad-assed motherfucker,

who also happens to be an expert...

in the delicate art of Japanese flower arranging.

Oh. Over the target, Captain.

Right. It's now or never. Eh-- Aaah!

Come on, Jerry, get off here. Jump out!

[ Jerry ] I can't do this!

[ Nick ] Go get her, Jerry! This is a really bad idea!

[ Jerry Screaming ]

Wait! I'm gonna be sick. I mean it. Oh!

Oh, I felt that one.

[ Lloyd ] Good Lord, you're a crybaby!

[ Gabriella's Voice ] Five, six, seven, eight.

Kick back, head up, down.

One more time.

Kick back, head up, down.

I want it sassy now. Come on. Kick, plié. [ Jerry Shouting, Indistinct ]

Head up, down. And kick, plié.

[ Jerry Shouting ] I'm not a person who likes heights!

Oh, I don't feel so good. I don't feel so good.

Oh, I hate this!

[ Screaming ]

- What is that? - [ Jerry ] I don't like this!

[ Lloyd ] We're over target. Prepare for release.

Release! Aaah!

Ha-ha! Oh, we did it!

[ Laughing ] I'm so excited!

If truth be told, I'm more than a little excited myself.

Oh-- Unhook me, please.

I don't believe this.

- Help, please. - This time I'm gonna let you drown.

Well, you're gonna have to drag me over to the deep end,

'cause it's only about three-and-a-half feet over here.

- What are you doing here? - I was in the neighborhood,

so I figured, well, I'd just drop in.

Good-bye.

Uh, Gabriella, wait! Please.

Mm-hmm?

I thought I was being reasonably clever...

considering I just dropped 1,500 feet out of an airplane.

Why'd you bother?

Because I love you.

Who loves me-- gay Jerry as a friend,

or is this straight, lying, deceitful Jerry?

Hmm?

You've never met this Jerry.

This is the extremely sorry,

unbelievably heartbroken because you left me,

will do anything to get you to forgive me...

because I want to spend the rest of my life with you Jerry.

Well, you listen to me, Jerry.

Just because you dropped out of the sky...

and made this grand romantic gesture...

doesn't mean that I'm gonna automatically run into your arms.

Do you understand that? Hmm?

Yes. Good.

Okay. I'm probably going to, but you shouldn't automatically expect it.

Because if we're gonna have the kind of relationship...

where one day you're gonna be making all these hurtful fantasies--

Don't you ever, ever...

lie to me again.

I swear.

I'll never understand it.

Neither will I.

[ Nick, Echoing ] Inga!

No. No.

No.

[ Knocking ]

My God. Oh, my God!

I'm Nick Ragoni. I'm a friend of your daughter Inga.

I've traveled 12,000 miles to surprise her.

You poor thing. You look frozen. Let me help you up.

[ Groaning ] Let me and my son help you up.

Johan, come over here. Ja.

Oh--

Come on.

This man is obviously a fan of smörgåsbord.

Ingmar, what's going on?

Oh, Mother, he's an American friend of Inga's.

Oh, I hope you didn't go too much trouble to get here.

- Inga's not home. - What?

She's gone to Italy on a modeling assignment.

- Won't be back for three months. - Oh, God, no.

- I can't believe it. - You poor boy.

You look so cold. You'll join us for dinner.

Bridgit, get this man some soup from the stove.

This is Bridgit. She wants to be a bikini model, just like her big sister.

Nice to meet you.

And Bridgit's coach will be joining us for dinner too.

[ Woman Gasps ]

Oh--

Oh, Nicholas.

Hello.

We meet again.