Bo Burnham: what. (2013) - full transcript
A musical stand-up comedy show by Bo Burnham, the famous internet musician.
Bo!
What?
I bet you can't do this.
Old MacDonald had a farm.
E-I, E-I-O.
And on his farm he
had a pig.
E-I, E-I-O.
Oink, oink here
and oink, oink there and...
Old MacDonald had a farm.
E-I, E-I-O.
sssm.
This is Bo Burnham.
He's 22 years old.
He's a male
and he looks like
the genetic product
of a giraffe
having sex with Ellen DeGeneres.
He has a gigantic head and
tiny nipples.
He's isolated himself over
the last 5 years
in pursuit of comedy
and
in doing so,
has lost touch with reality.
You're an asshole, Bo.
You hear me?
You think you know better
than me.
You think you know
better than everybody.
You will die alone
and you will deserve it.
But in the meantime,
you might as well
tell those silly jokes of yours.
See if that helps.
Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo,
Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo.
Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo,
Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo.
Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo,
Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo.
Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo,
Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo.
You used to do comedy
when you felt like being funny
but now you're
contractually obligated.
So dance, you fucking monkey!
Dance, monkey! Dance!
Welcome to the show.
This is Bo.
This is his show.
Bo wants to dance like this.
Welcome to the show.
This is Bo,
this is his show
when Bo takes off
his pants like this.
Playing an invisible drum.
Playing an invisible trumpet.
Trumpet sound!
Drink some invisible water.
Oh shit, that water is real!
Bo wants to make you feel comfortable.
Bo wants to make you feel comfortable.
Random voice.
Bo wants to make you feel comfortable.
So sit back, relax
and enjoy
a healthy dose of
prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Lick you lips to make
it more comforting.
Do you wanna see a magic trick?
- Yeah.
Do you wanna see a magic trick?
- Yeah.
Do you wanna see a magic trick?
Then pick a card.
Any card. Psyche!
Magic isn't real, you idiot!
- Read a book!
Magic isn't real, you idiot!
- Read a book!
Magic isn't real, you idiot!
- Read a book!
Magic isn't real.
Or is it?
And at that moment
Bo's 20-year-old cynicism
melt into childlike wonder.
He never knew there could
be so much magic in the world.
Wow.
It's a world of possibilities, Bo.
I know!
What do you want to do first?
Run?
Yeah, sure.
You can run.
Fly?! Well yeah, you can fly.
What?
What are you..?
What the fuck
you're doing?
What the fuck are you doing?
Stop. Stop it.
What the f...!
You fucking idiot, stop!
Stop, stop. - Okay.
Jesus!
Anyways.
In the distance, Bo saw
a beautiful fairy.
A fairy so beautiful
that he felt proud about
being called one in high school.
He then came across an old bridge
with a troll standing guard.
Bo knew that he'd have to
answer a riddle to get by.
The troll spoke thus,
"Alright, for the last time, man.
I'm not a troll."
"I'm homeless."
"Okay, do you have any spare change?"
"Okay, that's a used napkin."
"I don't want that."
"No! No, stop. Just, you know.
Leave. Just leave. Please leave."
Sorry.
And then,
as Bo arrived on the other side
of the stage
he saw a unicorn with
five horns right in front of him.
One, two, three, four.
Wow.
And the pentacorn spoke thus,
"Hello, Bo."
Hi.
"I’ve been looking for you
for quite a long"
He was safe
for now.
Fuck you!
But the dark thoughts
would soon return.
It's Godzilla!
No, no!
No!
Help!
Oh, my god!
Oh! My! God! No!
Oh, god!
It's so hard to be a lizard.
It's hard to be a lizard.
- I've lost my son!
Tiny arms, itchy gizzards.
- That Monster killed my wife.
Is he dead?
Why is he singing?
He's a monster. Oh, my god.
- It's hard to be a lizard.
Why?
But it's harder to Segway.
Is he skiing?
Or he is in a gay porn?
Is he skiing? - What?
Or he is in a gay porn?
Is he skiing?
Or he is in a gay porn?
Here's a hint:
he's in a gay porn.
Okay, Bo. This miming shit
is getting pretty annoying.
So give them the real thing.
My voice is so fucking natural.
It's naturally good.
NaTuRaLly goooood.
Naturally good.
This is the end of the song
and the beginning of the show.
Welcome to the show!
That lizard part was
pretty fucking stupid.
Anyway.
San Francisco, yeah.
Yeah.
We are a place,
we are a place in California.
Um, I'd like to, uh..
Let's just start with a
joke for my male audience.
Uh, this is a joke for the fellas.
Where my fellas at?
Fellas?
Yo fellas, don't you hate it
when you're blowing a guy
and he ends up being a faggot?
Am I right?
I've been blowing a faggot
this whole time?!
Third time, this week.
Thank you so much.
Well, everything's fi-- uh...
This, um...
This show is, uh,
called 'what.'
And I hope there's some
surprises for you, or so--
Jesus, sorry.
It's a good start. Uh,
hold on, there's some--
He meant to knock the water over.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But you all thought it
was an accident, but...
He meant to knock the water over.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Art is a lie,
nothing is real.
So, um. We, uh...
Grow up!
Grow up with your applause.
Stick it, fa--
Yeah, meant to knock the
water over.
But you all thought
it was an acc--
Just, don't. If it's on 'repeat.'
It will repeat.
Just this is, well, we
can cut all this. So, we--
Meant to play the track again.
But you all thought
it was accident.
But he meant to play the
'water track' again-gain-gain.
Art still a lie,
nothing still real.
Food jokes,
let's do some food jokes.
Segways are weird.
Um..
I had a, uh..
I had a hotdog for breakfast today
and afterwards,
I felt like this.
'Cause I couldn't control my stools.
Alright, Jesus!
Glad you like poop-based puns,
they'll be a majority of the show.
Never waste a moment.
Every moment can become
a comedic moment.
See?
So, just a little lesson
for comedians.
This first song
is called
A World On Fire.
This next song is a little bit,
a little bit longer than that one.
And, um...
Thank you.
It's about how sad I am
and I'm really sad.
Let's call it Sad.
It's about all the sad stuff.
Just picture a depressed onion
cutting itself.
I met a homeless man
named Rich.
Isn't that terrible?
I saw a flier for a lost dog
and the dog didn't
have any legs.
I saw a diabetic kid
trick-or-treating.
I saw a giraffe who
had a short neck.
That was sad, or a deer.
I saw an old man
get hit by a train.
He didn't see it
in the pouring rain.
He didn't hear me shout,
'Look out for the train!'
'Cause I didn't say anything.
I just thought to myself
'Oh, this is going to be sad.'
And it was.
I'm a genius.
I saw a man with
only one-eye
in a 3D movie.
I saw a little boy drop
his ice-cream cone
directly on his mother's corpse.
I saw a kitten stuck in a tree
then the kitten jumped off
and it hung itself.
I saw a boy who had red hair.
I went to a store looking
for something to buy.
But they only sold paintings
of this same sad guy.
No, wait!
This store sells mirrors?!
See what I did there?
Let's rock!
No.
The world's so sad, bros.
Pain, genocide, war, sexism, racism.
But I gotta remember there's
good things about it too.
Like the fact that none of
that's happening to me.
Score!
Still though, it's hard
not be sad about it.
How do y'all do it?
I've been telling you guys
terribly sad things this whole song
you haven't been sad at all,
you've been..
you've been happy.
No!
You've been laughing.
That it, laughter.
It's the key to everything.
It's the way to solve
all the sadness in the world.
I mean, not for the people
that are actually sad
but the people like us that got to
fucking deal with them all the time.
Being a comedian isn't
being an insensitive prick
capitalizing on the most
animalistic impulses of the public.
It's being a hero.
The world isn't sad
the world's funny.
I'm a sociopath!
I saw an old man
slip and fall.
Hey, what a fucking idiot.
I saw a woman at her
daughter's funeral.
Ha, ha, ha.
Classic comedy!
Every that once was sad
is somehow funny now.
The Holocaust and 9/11.
That shit's funny 24/7.
'Cause tragedy will be
exclusively joked about.
Because my empathy is
bumming me out.
Goodbye, sadness.
Hello, jokes!
Thank you.
I got a really good joke
about video editors.
Video editors are so fucking
I think we should do
a poem right now
if that's okay.
This poem is a little bit sappy,
a little bit romantic.
So, we'll get it out
of the way now.
And, uh..
We will go back to the, uh..
Oops!
The, uh.. The dirty stuff,
you know
every one loves it at a
late-show or whatever.
Okay.
Uh, it's called I Fuck Sluts.
Woo!
It's not a roll-call, but thank you.
Sluts!
Sluts!
Sluts!
Sluts!
I fuck sluts!
Sluts get fucked when
I fuck sluts.
No if ands and or buts.
I fuck sluts.
I fuck sluts!
Nice girls are nice
but no good for nut-sucking.
They'll need a serene night
to green-light a butt-fucking.
But that'll be easy with
sleazy old slut-fucking.
Boo to the nice girls.
Praise be the slut-fucking!
I have a list.
A list?
Yes, a list of all
the sluts I've missed.
I never fucked or sucked these sluts
and thus my nuts
are fucking pissed.
So when I fuck the lucky slut
my nut removes her
from the list.
Another dumb cum-bucket struck
from my Nut-sucking, Suck It Slut,
Slut-fucking bucket list.
Yes, you hear the influences:
Chaucer, Keats.
Pages are blank.
I know it.
Why am I lying to you?
Sluts can be white, black,
brown, pink or almond.
They can be skinny with big tits
or be skinny with small ones.
Sluts can be perky, preppy or posh
with their brains and their
clothes all shrunk from the wash.
Excuse me.
But other sluts are
pretty and funny and smart.
These sluts can lift all thoughts,
from your dick to your heart.
They can talk about
science, music or art.
They can put you together.
Or they can pull you apart.
But don't trust these sluts, don't.
Don't you dare,
they'll force you to trust them
and love them and care
and then they'll be gone
and then you'll be aware
of that hole in your heart
that dumb slut left there.
Thank you very much.
So,
he was lashing out with
sexist language
'cause he had his heart broken.
We all learned something.
Thank you all for coming.
I know, some of my bits are
a little bit fast and dense
a little bit hard to follow,
particularly that one.
So I want to do something
a little bit slower
for the people, maybe the older people
in the crowd or something.
So, um..
This is for you.
Here's a slow joke.
What did the
ear of corn say
when all of its
clothes fell off?
Aw, shucks!
Get it?
Like, 'shucks'
as in,
'shucking corn'?
And also,
'shucks' the exclamation?
Am I right?
Good, we're having fun.
My father recently told me
that I act too
flamboyant on stage.
And I said, 'Really, Dad?'
'Prove it!'
He said, 'What about that joke
where you throw confetti at the end of it?'
I said, 'I haven't written that joke yet!'
''Cause it's based off this conversation!'
Gotcha!
Keep it.
Keep the struggle.
We're having a lot of fun guys.
Don't worry about--
You don't have to fill the, t-the
silences with laughter or applause.
I don't want you leaving
this show thinking,
'My hands hurt from clapping.
My stomach hurts from laughing.'
I just want you leaving
the show thinking,
'Mm, m'alright.'
And we're on our way.
I moved to Hollywood, recently
from Boston where I grew up.
And-- Places!
And I--
I--
I heard about these sort
of wild Hollywood party nights
that people would have and
I didn't think they were true
until I moved to Hollywood
and I started having them.
Anyway, this is a-- This
is a song about a crazy night
that happened
a couple of weeks ago.
It's called,
What Did I Do Last Night?
Yeah, yeah.
Ay, ay, ay.
What did I do last night?
I cried myself to sleep.
It was a good one.
When did my mother first
described gay sex to me?
Good question.
I was 8-years-old.
I was 8-years-old.
She brought me into
the dining room
she sat right across
the table from me.
She said, 'Do you know how
your father and I love each other?'
I said, 'Of course.'
'You and dad love
each other'
'more than two people in
the world'
'could possibly love each other.'
She said, 'Well, two men'
'can love each other in the
exact same way'
'that your father and I
love each other.'
She said, 'What happens when
two men love each other like that?'
'What they do is they, uh..'
'They take off all their clothes.'
'Uh, hmm, they get in the bed.'
'And they shit on the bible!'
So I don't talk to her anymore.
Okay.
Hello, patient 2-4-6-0-2.
Hi.
I'm sorry.
How are you feeling?
Not great.
- Has the treatment been working?
No, it hasn't been.
What are your remaining symptoms?
I just, I--
I internalize my feelings.
I just--
I have trouble artic--
Like, other people and
relating to them
So, basically you're still a little bitch.
- is just too hard.
Real mature of you,
disembodied voice
up there.
- I was just joking, nigger.
We are right by Oakland.
Careful with that shit!
I'm not human.
I can say whatever I want.
- Alright, just get to the-- What--
What's wrong with me?
What is wrong with me?
Please.
Your emotions and your logic
are at war.
Okay.
Your creativity and
your analysis are at war.
And most simply, your
left and right brain are at war.
My left and my right--
- To fix the problem
we must separate them
from each other.
Separate--?
Splitting your neurological functions in
5,
4,
3, 2.
- We book an appointment.
You don't just start counting down.
- 1.
Hey!
- This may hurt a bit.
I don't even know what 'it' is.
Just... - Zero.
Isolation complete.
This is Bo's Left Brain.
Objective: Logical, cold, analytical,
aware of patterns, aware of trends.
He's efficient
and a prick.
This is Bo's Right Brain
Subjective, creative, sensory,
aware of feelings
aware of people.
He's emotional. - Yes.
And an idiot.
It's your opinion.
So just..
Okay boys.
- Careful with opinions.
Play nice.
I am the Left Brain,
I am the Left Brain.
I work really hard 'til
my inevitable death, brain.
You got a job to do,
you better do it right
in the right way is
with the Left Brain's might.
I like Oreos, and pussy.
Okay.
And I cried for
at least an hour after
watching Toy Story 3.
I am the Right Brain.
I have feelings.
I'm a little all over the place.
But I'm lustful, trustful and
I'm looking for somebody to love.
Or put my penis in.
Here comes a female,
here comes a female.
Puff your chest out, take your
phone and check your e-mail.
Our evolutionary purpose
is repopulate.
So gather data now and
see if she's a possible mate.
Holy fuck!
I think she might be the one.
There's something about her.
I just can't describe it.
Tits.
I am the earth,
she's the glorious sun.
I want her to trust me.
And I just want her to
sit on my face.
Sit.
Alright, oh Right Brain,
you're being insane.
No, Left Brain.
I'm just being alive.
You should try it.
You might like it.
I worked hard to give
him everything he cared about.
You were worried about
the things he was scared about.
I am calm and collected
when you act wild.
I am the adult
you are the child.
You think you're
the right one every time.
You think you know everything,
you don't know
anything at all.
Half of his problems were
supposed to be mine.
But you wanted everything
I hope that you're happy
'cause he's sure not.
Well, according to my calculations,
you're a pussy.
Name calling, really?
We're gonna do 'name-calling'?
I'm not calling names, alright,
we're stating facts
and the fact is,
you're a quivering pussy.
I'm the pussy? Well, at least
I don't play with toys still.
Okay, Rubik's Cubes are not toys!
They keep my
'spacial-reasoning' skills sharp.
Left Brain plays with toys!
Look at you!
Johnny fucking--
toy player.
Well, at least I did
my fucking job!
I kept him working,
I kept him productive.
You were supposed to
look after him.
You were supposed to keep him
emotionally stable through all this.
Now, you're trying to blame me
for how he's 'feeling'?
How he's feeling?!
If he's feeling unhappy,
it's because you failed him.
You did this to him and
he hates you. I know he does.
He fucking hates you!
Right Brain, look.
I'm sorry.
No, you're not!
Look, maybe there's something
that we could do together.
Together?
Take the best parts of
both of us
and put them together.
I'm listening.
It would let you let
your feelings out,
it would let me analyze.
So you could man the themes,
I'll man the form.
It's something that
George Carlin did.
It's something that
Steve Martin did.
It's something special
that we could both perform.
Do you know what it is?
Juggling? We could juggle
and juggle out cares away.
It was 'comedy.'
We could do 'comedy' together.
Initiate reassembly.
- Alright, alright.
Right Brain, we're gonna
do comedy together, alright?
Alright.
Alright, Left Brain.
I'll do comedy with you.
Look, we can fix him like this.
We can make him happy again, I promise.
- Reformation into singular mind
in 5.
- Left Brain!
Left Brain, I love you.
- 4, 3.
2.
I know.
- 1.
Experimentation complete.
Thank you very much.
At this part of the show, I'd like
to talk about how deep I am.
And I'm pretty fucking deep.
Deep, deep, deep.
So deep
that I called this song
#Deep.
Have you ever stopped to watch
a bluebird drop from a tree
and take to the air?
Me neither.
Have you ever took time out
to finish a rhyme
but the right words just
weren't there?
Meat cleaver.
The people in my life
are like grains of sand
'cause they stick together
often near my butt-hole.
If life is an ocean,
I am a deep and handsome fish.
A fish that's drowning.
If the artistic process
is a birth canal, then
I am a freshly jellied kid.
Come witness my crowning.
These thought of mine
must be a sign that I'm
#Deep.
If Jesus can walk on water,
can he swim on land?
Have you ever accidentally
peed on the toilet seat
instead of on your girlfriend's face?
Me neither.
Me neither!
Have you ever wrote a song
note for note,
and not a single note was
out of place?
Duh!
Go on.
The people in my life
are like blades of grass.
How?
'Cause they're all so grounded.
But at least grass
stays away from my butt-hole!
Art is a harlot
and I am her sassy urban friend.
Bitch, why you being so selfish?
If momma is right and
the world is my oyster,
then I must have an
allergy to shell--
You don't know.
How could you know?
If life makes you wish
you were dead,
just put on a good movie
then promptly put
a bullet in your head.
Spend forever asleep.
'Cause life pales in comparison
to living the dream.
#Deep.
Thank you.
Don't you hate it
when that happens?
Yeah.
Thank you, that's called
Beating Off In A Minor.
Yes.
Yes.
'A Minor,' the key.
Not the felony.
So..
I believe--
I believe there's nothing
more manly one can do
than take a shower
with five other guys.
It's true.
It's early caveman, Cro-Magnon,
wandering through the fog
you know, scrubbing five
other sapiens.
No homo.
We should--
I'd like to do, uh.., little, uh..
Do some, um, Po--
poems right now.
Uh, if that's okay.
Just wanting to
at this part of the show
These poems are actually--
from I'm-I'm releasing
this special for free.
So, I'm gonna plug my poetry book.
The-these are my new poems from
my poetry book called Egghead.
That will be out by the time
this is airing.
But not by the time you guys
are seated here right now, so..
It's good that they're pretty serious
and it's all just sort of--
This sort of the 'lull of the show' usually.
So I'd like to--
At this point, sort of take
the pressure off the audience
and just read some poems
and then we'll go back
to the giggles, so..
This is a poem by a dog.
'Roses are gray.
Violets are a different shade of gray.'
'Let's go chase cars!'
Me, with my strange
choice of adjectives.
You, with your muscular teeth
and clockwise vagina.
I put a chameleon on a red dildo.
He blushed.
There we go.
This is a poem about beauty,
about self-image and
about the ability to transform.
Martha was ugly like a
shaven Baboon.
So she wrapped herself
up in a curtained cocoon.
And after a week, she
finally emerged.
She smelled like shit.
What a psycho!
You're incomparable.
Like a
I want to beat you to death
with a blunt object.
I want to grab one of these
high-end fashion mannequins
by the ankles and bash
your rib-cage in.
I want to sharpen 50 pencils,
bind them with a rubber band
stick the lead in your mouth
and punch the erasers.
I want to strap you to
a bed of nails
then strap that bed of nails
to the hood of my car
so I can watch you suffer as we
drive over speed-bumps
in a mall parking lot
during a earthquake.
I want you to somehow
survive a terrible car-crash
and somehow not survive
a small fender-bender
on the way back from
the hospital.
Thank you, that's called Dad.
This is a poem.
It's really a story
that's meant primarily for children.
But I think it's got a
lesson, we could all learn.
The Squares lived happily
in their square houses,
in their square yard
in their square town.
But then one day a family of
Circles moved in from the West.
'Get out of here, roundies!'
shouted one of Squares.
'Why?' said one of the Circles.
''Cause this is a metaphor
for racism!'
When I walk into a party,
you'd think I was one of those
long, straight Tetris pieces.
'Cause everyone's just like,
'Oh yeah, this guy's here finally.'
'We've been waiting for him
to show up.'
Like-- You wait--
In the game-- Forget it.
I mean, no--
You had your chance!
Guys,
if I had a million dollars,
I'd pay your mother
to have sex with me.
Afterwards, I'd probably invest
the remaining
nine-hundred ninety-nine thousand
nine-hundred ninety dollars.
10 dollars for sex with your mother.
Comedy!
It's-- I smell comedy.
Well, it was 'comedy'
giving off that scent.
And finally,
Mid October,
with leaves spilled like
colored pencil-shavings.
The streets dicing our town into
neat, unfair portions
and me,
eating that pussy, baby.
Thank you so much.
Um...
There's things that I don't
want to come across in my show
that I worry, often
come across about me.
'Cause people don't realise
that it's an act up here.
I don't want you to ever
think that
I think I'm better than people.
Or that I think I know
better than people.
Uh, anyway.
Sorry, okay.
Uh, this is a song
from the perspective of god.
The books you think
I wrote are way too thick.
Who needs a thousand
metaphors to
figure out you shouldn't
be a dick?
And I don't watch you
when you sleep.
Surprisingly, I don't use my
omnipotence to be a fucking creep.
You're not going to heaven.
Why the fuck would you
think I'd ever kick it with you?
None of you are going to heaven.
There's a trillion aliens
cooler than you.
You shouldn't abstain from rape
just 'cause you think
that I want you to.
You shouldn't rape, 'cause
rape is fucked-up thing to do.
'Pretty obvious, just
don't fucking rape people!'
'Didn't think I had to
write that one down for you.'
I don't think masturbation is obscene.
It's absolutely natural and the
weirdest fucking thing I've ever seen.
You make my job a living hell.
Oh, I sent 'gays' to fix overpopulation.
'Boy, did that go well.'
You're not going to heaven.
Eat a thousand crackers,
sing a million hymns.
None of you are going to heaven.
You're not my children,
you're a bad game of Sims.
You shouldn't abstain from pork
just 'cause you think that I want you to.
You can eat pork.
''Cause why the fuck would
I give a shit?!'
'I created the universe.'
'Think I'm drawing the line
at the fucking Deli aisle.'
You argue and you bicker
and you fight.
Atheists and Catholics, Jews
and Hindus argue day and night
over what they think is true.
But no one entertains
the thought
that maybe god does
not believe in you.
You pray so badly for heaven.
Knowing any day might
be the day that you die.
But maybe life on earth
could be heaven.
Doesn't just the thought
of it make it worth a try?
My love's the type of thing
that you have to earn it.
When you earn it,
you won't need it.
Oh, my love's the type
of thing
that you have to earn it.
When you earn it,
you won't need it.
I'm not gonna give you love just
'cause I know that you want me to.
If you want love, then the
love has got to come from you.
Walking between the microphones
is really awkward.
Tell me about it.
Women are stupid.
Yeah, I fucking said it.
They're the weaker,
dumber sex!
I can prove it to you.
I like to practice safe-sex.
Why?
'Cause I'm a guy.
And I'm smarter.
What do women say every time--
every time I put on
a condom, what do they say?
'Why are you wearing a condom
if I'm fucking you with a strap-on?'
To be safe, bitch!
Women, right?
They're the dumb ones.
It's time for a story.
Let's do a story.
It's time for a story.
It's time for a story.
A very special story,
especially for you.
It's time for a story.
It's time for a story!
So sit down and listen now.
Don't be a Jew.
This story is called, 'Andy'
That's a glitch!
You can be Jewish.
This story--
This story is called, 'Andy the frog.'
'Featuring long and convoluted similes.'
And I'll warn you when, uh,
one of those long and convoluted
similes rears its old, uh..
head.
So, here we go.
Once upon a time,
there was a frog named Andy.
Andy lived at the
patterned park pond
and never hopped anywhere
else in his entire frog-life.
He had three best friends.
Milly, who never left her lily-pad.
Billy, who was always hopping mad.
And Roger, who was arrested
for possession of tadpole-porn.
So, one day--
One day
Andy saw something hop across
the grass on the other side of the pond.
'Milly, Billy, Roger, look!'
said Andy.
Across the pond stood
the most beautiful frog Andy
had ever seen.
'She's gorgeous,' said Milly.
'She's beautiful,' said Billy.
'Bit old for my taste,' said Roger.
Classic Roger.
And then she was gone.
'I need to go find her,' said Andy.
'I need to follow my
little frog-heart.'
So, Andy followed the beautiful
frogs footsteps into the forest.
He then came across a turtle.
'You can't pass,' said the turtle.
'Please!' said Andy.
'No!' said the turtle.
And, uh, this is the first long,
convoluted simile.
Then there was a rustling
in the bushes
and, like a man who had
been shot in the chest with a rifle,
the turtle was shot in
the chest with a rifle.
Andy kept moving.
But at this point,
like the doctor of the Kenyan
Track team,
his patience ran thin.
Andy kept moving.
He then came across
a giant crocodile.
And the crocodile began to chant,
'I woke up this morning
and I sat on a log.'
'I opened up the menu,
the menu said frog.'
Andy said, 'No! No, please
let go off me!'
'I can feel myself dying.'
'You're ripping out my insides!'
'I'm never gonna find her, am I?'
'There's no god, is there?'
'Fuck! Fuck!'
The end.
The end. So, it's
the end of that story.
Yeah, if you're curious, the
moral of that story is irrelevant.
'Cause we're humans.
Why would it apply to us?
You know, my father is so
hard to get along with.
'Cause he's such a man's man.
You know.
He believes like,
for example,
'you should always fight
fire with fire.'
Which is a horrible way
to live your life.
Especially for him
'cause he's a fire-fighter, so..
He was fired.
That was as stupid as we get.
But let's get a little stupider, huh?
There's a creepy old man,
fishing in the park
and the only problem is
he tied a candy bar
to the end of his line.
He's trying to catch a kid.
You know, that stuff.
Trying to get a little more mainstream.
People complain about the way
I act on stage very often,
you know, they say like
I repeat jokes.
Or, they also say that--
They say-- They don't get
again that this is an act on stage
and they think on stage I act
too arrogant, too self-obsessed,
solipsistic, self-contained, synonyms..
And they want me to be--
They want me to be a
comic of the people, you know.
Relate to the people with
the overarching glue of comedy.
So, I want to do a little bit
of a relatable comedy for you guys.
I'm like you guys.
You know, once a week
I like to slip into
a deep existential depression
where I loose all my senses
of one-ness and self-worth. Ha-ha.
And what I like to do, in order
to assure myself that I am unique,
and not just one of many
small, white, indistinguishable
perfectly cylindrical checker pieces
in Jesus and Satan's backgammon game,
is I will--
I'll say a group of words
that I think no one has ever said
in that order. So that..
when I say it, I feel like,
'look at me,'
'participating in this new moment
that no one's ever been a part of.'
So I'll say something random, like, uh...
Like, peanut-butter tribadism.
Or, uh..
I'm your father and
I loved your comedy show.
Or, at first I was uncomfortable leaving
him alone with my children
but then I saw his mustache.
Phew!
Or, uh..
Or, yo check out this Amish website!
Or, um..
Or, I work at a toll-booth
and I don't want to kill myself.
Or-- That's too--
Too real.
Oh yo man, my life's about
three things, man. Three things!
Getting money,
getting pussy,
and the Dewey decimal system.
Or, uh..
Or, hey, can you hold my
fanny pack?
I'm gonna go fuck a woman.
If I could break--
I want to thank you
all for being here
because uh..
I mean-- It--
I'm so grateful that you'd all come here
and spend an hour of your time with me
and if you're watching at,
home or whatever
on a computer or something.
If you've made it this far
thank you very much for watching.
Genuinely, I-I-I--
This is my favorite thing to do.
And, I'm so grateful for
people watching it
and enjoying it, um...
Okay.
I will now recede back into
my stage persona.
I just blacked-out for twenty seconds.
Thank you for coming.
Love songs used to be so beautiful.
You know.
'Let us go then you and I,'
'when the evening is spread
out against the sky'
'like a patient etherized
on a table.'
- T. S. Elliot.
Beautiful.
Love songs nowadays,
just as beautiful guys.
Usher, Justin Bieber, One D,
you know them.
But these new artist, they've
done something very strange
to the format of the love songs.
They've changed it a bit.
And I tried to
capture how they've changed
the format of the love song
with this love song.
I hope you enjoy it
and mark the differences.
Jason Derulo.
I love your hair,
I love your name.
I love the way
you say it.
I love your heart
and you're so smart
'cause you gave away it.
I love your sis,
I love your dad,
I love your mum.
But more than
all of that
I love the fact that
you are dumb enough.
To not realize everything
I've said
has been said before
in a thousand ways,
in a thousand songs,
sung with the same 4 chords.
But you'll still love it,
and let me finger you.
Finger you! Finger you!
Oh girl, I hope you
don't think that I'm rude
when I tell you that
I love you, boo.
I also hope that you
don't see through
this cleverly constructed ruse,
designed by a marketing team,
cashing in on puberty and
low self-esteem
and girls' desperate
need to feel loved.
America says, 'we love a chorus.'
'But don't get complicated
and bore us.'
'Though meaning might be missing,'
'we need to know the
words after just one listen'
So repeat stuff, repeat stuff,
repeat stuff, repeat stuff.
Repeat stuff, repeat stuff,
repeat stuff, repeat stuff.
Repeat stuff, repeat stuff.
Yeah! Oh, you know it.
I love my baby and you know
I couldn't live without her.
But now I need to
make every girl
think this song's about her.
Just to make sure that they
spread it like the plague.
So I describe my dream-girl
as really, really vague.
Like,
I love your hands
'cause your fingerprints
are like no other.
I love your eyes
and their bluish,
brownish, greenish color.
I love it when you smile
that you smile wide.
And I love how your torso
has an arm on either side.
Now,
if you're my agent,
you might be thinking,
'Oh no, sound the alarms!'
'You're not appealing'
'to little girls who
don't have arms!'
But they can't use iTunes, so..
Fuck them!
Who need them!
Oh girl, I ho--
Oh hello, Satan!
Satan, you taste so good!
Repeat stuff, repeat stuff,
repeat stuff, repeat stuff.
Repeat stuff!
Everybody!
Repeat stuff, repeat stuff,
repeat stuff.
Come on, louder!
I can't hear you!
Repeat stuff, repeat stuff.
Repeat stuff, repeat stuff.
Young ones, listen up.
I'm in magazines
full of model teens,
so far above you.
So read them and hate yourself.
Then pay me to tell
you, 'I love you.'
Haah laah yaah.
And your parents
will always come along.
Because their little girl is in love.
And how could love be wrong?
How could love be wrong!
When you repeat stuff,
repeat stuff, repeat stuff.
Repeat stuff, repe---
I'm a vessel, 6-6-6!
Illuminati.
We know it's not right.
We know it's not funny
but we'll stop
beating this dead-horse
when it stops spitting
out money.
But until then..
we will repeat stuff.
Uh.. oh, thank you so much.
You guys have been, um--
You guys have been absolutely
amazing.
You've been absolutely amazing.
That's the end of the show.
I probably should've
ended it on a, sort of,
higher note there.
But, uh, yeah.
That's the end of 'what.'
I hope you liked it.
Bo! Oh, my god!
How are you?
I haven't seen you
since, like, freshman year.
Oh, my god.
You were so, like, skinny
and weird back then.
But now you're, uh--
Anyway.
You should totally come
to this party
I'm having tonight with a
bunch of my college friends.
Um, it's gonna be,
off the chain-hook!
It's gonna be so good.
You can play some songs
for us or something.
Um, I've been telling everybody
how good a friends we were
back in the day.
I know we never talked,
or hung-out ever.
But, um..
I think that's what made
our friendship so special.
You know?
Anyway, text me.
Okay. Bye!
Mister Burnham.
How you doing? Good?
Good.
I'm a-I'm an agent,
from out Los Angeles.
Uh, really dig your stuff, man.
It's-it's out there.
You know, I totally get it.
Uh, and the best part about it, man,
you got all these young fans,
uh, and, which is great because
young people, they're--
they're very passionate,
and they're very, uh--
they're very reliable consumers.
Uh Bo, what you got to do in order to
take your career to the next level,
you got to cater more
heavily to them.
Alright, we've done studies.
Young people do not respond to this,
you know, 'introspective' material
or these 'challenges-to-the-form', you know.
Young people want jokes
they can relate to.
Okay, so..
Write a.. write a silly
song about Facebook, you know.
Write some-- Write some
jokes about Twitter,
or... or.. sugary cereals or..
razor scooters.
Relate to them.
You know, also, you gotta reestablish your
presence on the internet, buddy.
Alright, it's not important
whether the material's good or not,
what's important is that you keep the
'Bo Burnham' brand alive and well.
You get it? Cool.
We'll discuss more later.
I know it's a lot.
Uh, my number is, uh..
3-1-0..
5-5-5
Um.. imaginary number.
Fag!
What up, dude? What's up?
How are you, man?
You've changed, bro.
You've changed.
I never knew you.
But, uh.. my friend's old
roommate's friend
said he knew in high school
and you became a real asshole
once all this 'comedy' stuff
started happening.
What, what is it, man?
You think you're better than us?
You think you're better than
us just 'cause you're tall?
Whoa, congrats man!
You're tall!
Wow, it's incredible!
Whoa, you want a trophy
for being tall?
You wanna--? We should
just give trophies to tall things
and every tree and building
will have a trophy.
Does that make sense?
Yo, why you acting all quiet
and weird right now?
Yo, I know why you are,
it's 'cause you're an arrogant prick,
that's why.
An arrogant fucking prick!
I once heard that you actually
act quiet because
you're shy and introverted in real life,
and that people shouldn't expect
you to act the same way
offstage as you do onstage.
Yeah..
Yeah, it makes no sense.
Anyway, you wanna buy some weed?
Bo! Oh, my god!
Bo, oh my god!
Bo.
Bo.
Bo.
Bo.
Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo.
Bo, oh my god!
Mister Burnham.
Bo, Bo.
- Fag.
Bo, oh my god.
Mister Burnham.
Bo, Bo.
- Fag.
Bo, oh my god.
- Mister Burnham.
Bo, Bo, Bo.
- Fag.
Oh, my god.
- Mister Burnham.
Bo, Bo.
- Fag.
Bo, oh my god.
- Mister Fag.
Mister, Mister fag.
Bo, oh my god.
Mister fag.
Mister, Mister fag.
Bo, oh my god.
- Fag, fag.
Mi-mi, mi-mi--
- Fag, fag.
Mister Burnham, Bo.
- Fag, fag.
Oh, my god. Mi-mi, mi-mi--
- Fag, fag, fag.
Mi-mi, mi-mi--
- Fag, fag.
Mi-mi, mi-mi--
- Fag, fag.
I am Satan, lord of darkness.
Bo, fag.
Oh, my god. Fag.
Mister Burnham. Fag
Bo-Bo, fag, Bo, fag.
Oh my god.
Fag. Bo, fag.
Oh, my god. Fag.
Fag, Mister Burnham.
Fag. Bo-Bo, fag.
Bo, fag, oh my god. Fag,
Mister Burnham, fag, Bo.
Bo, fag, uh, uh, hey!
Uh, uh, hey.
What the hell?
Uh, uh, hey!
Uh, uh, hey!
You're not gonna
hit the girl?
That's sexist.
Fa-fa---
Fag! Mister--
M-- Mister Bo-Bo!
We think you've changed, bro.
We know best.
You suck.
We think you've changed, bro.
We know best.
You suck.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
Mister, Mister, Mister, Mister.
Bo, oh my god.
Bo, oh my god.
Bo, oh my god.
Bo, oh my god.
Bo, oh my god. Bo.
- Fag, fag, fag, fag.
Oh, my god.
- Fag, fag.
Bo, oh my god.
- Fag, fag, fag, fag.
Fag.
- Bo, Bo.
Fag.
- Bo, Bo.
Bo, oh my god!
- Mister Burnham, Mister Burnham.
Bo, oh my god!
- Mister Burnham, Mister Burnham.
Bo, oh my god! My God!
- Mister Burnham, Mister Burnham.
Bo, oh my god!
- Mister Burnham, Mister Burnham.
Bo, oh my god! My God!
- Mister Burnham, Mister Burnham.
Bo, oh my god!
- Mister Burnham, Mister Burnham.
Bo, oh my god! My God!
- Mister Burnham, Mister Burnham.
Bo, oh my god!
- Mister Burnham, Mister Burnham.
Oh my!
Mister Burnham.
Bo, you're going to school
in the fall?
What? - You're in a
school this year?
No.
You and David uncle
and I stay at my school.
Yeah, right.
Who's your teacher going to be?
Mrs. Planket.
Who?
Mrs. Poynkin.
- Mrs. Boynton?
No, Mrs.-- Mrs. Bontin
is gonna be Mrs. Poyinkent.
Oooooooooh!
I'm gonna go ask my friend,
Mrs.-- ask my teacher--
Mrs. Bangin and then I want to
ask my teacher Mrs. Clankin.
Bo, what do you think
you're gonna do at school?
I'm gonna bring Jello,
and, and the poop track,
and, an-an-and Tinkerbell
and, and, and all my stuff.
And all my stuff and--
banana and--
Apple. - Yeah, I know
you're gonna eat some snacks.
But what else are
you gonna do there?
Have a friend there.
What?
I bet you can't do this.
Old MacDonald had a farm.
E-I, E-I-O.
And on his farm he
had a pig.
E-I, E-I-O.
Oink, oink here
and oink, oink there and...
Old MacDonald had a farm.
E-I, E-I-O.
sssm.
This is Bo Burnham.
He's 22 years old.
He's a male
and he looks like
the genetic product
of a giraffe
having sex with Ellen DeGeneres.
He has a gigantic head and
tiny nipples.
He's isolated himself over
the last 5 years
in pursuit of comedy
and
in doing so,
has lost touch with reality.
You're an asshole, Bo.
You hear me?
You think you know better
than me.
You think you know
better than everybody.
You will die alone
and you will deserve it.
But in the meantime,
you might as well
tell those silly jokes of yours.
See if that helps.
Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo,
Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo.
Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo,
Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo.
Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo,
Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo.
Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo,
Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo.
You used to do comedy
when you felt like being funny
but now you're
contractually obligated.
So dance, you fucking monkey!
Dance, monkey! Dance!
Welcome to the show.
This is Bo.
This is his show.
Bo wants to dance like this.
Welcome to the show.
This is Bo,
this is his show
when Bo takes off
his pants like this.
Playing an invisible drum.
Playing an invisible trumpet.
Trumpet sound!
Drink some invisible water.
Oh shit, that water is real!
Bo wants to make you feel comfortable.
Bo wants to make you feel comfortable.
Random voice.
Bo wants to make you feel comfortable.
So sit back, relax
and enjoy
a healthy dose of
prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Prolonged eye-contact!
Lick you lips to make
it more comforting.
Do you wanna see a magic trick?
- Yeah.
Do you wanna see a magic trick?
- Yeah.
Do you wanna see a magic trick?
Then pick a card.
Any card. Psyche!
Magic isn't real, you idiot!
- Read a book!
Magic isn't real, you idiot!
- Read a book!
Magic isn't real, you idiot!
- Read a book!
Magic isn't real.
Or is it?
And at that moment
Bo's 20-year-old cynicism
melt into childlike wonder.
He never knew there could
be so much magic in the world.
Wow.
It's a world of possibilities, Bo.
I know!
What do you want to do first?
Run?
Yeah, sure.
You can run.
Fly?! Well yeah, you can fly.
What?
What are you..?
What the fuck
you're doing?
What the fuck are you doing?
Stop. Stop it.
What the f...!
You fucking idiot, stop!
Stop, stop. - Okay.
Jesus!
Anyways.
In the distance, Bo saw
a beautiful fairy.
A fairy so beautiful
that he felt proud about
being called one in high school.
He then came across an old bridge
with a troll standing guard.
Bo knew that he'd have to
answer a riddle to get by.
The troll spoke thus,
"Alright, for the last time, man.
I'm not a troll."
"I'm homeless."
"Okay, do you have any spare change?"
"Okay, that's a used napkin."
"I don't want that."
"No! No, stop. Just, you know.
Leave. Just leave. Please leave."
Sorry.
And then,
as Bo arrived on the other side
of the stage
he saw a unicorn with
five horns right in front of him.
One, two, three, four.
Wow.
And the pentacorn spoke thus,
"Hello, Bo."
Hi.
"I’ve been looking for you
for quite a long"
He was safe
for now.
Fuck you!
But the dark thoughts
would soon return.
It's Godzilla!
No, no!
No!
Help!
Oh, my god!
Oh! My! God! No!
Oh, god!
It's so hard to be a lizard.
It's hard to be a lizard.
- I've lost my son!
Tiny arms, itchy gizzards.
- That Monster killed my wife.
Is he dead?
Why is he singing?
He's a monster. Oh, my god.
- It's hard to be a lizard.
Why?
But it's harder to Segway.
Is he skiing?
Or he is in a gay porn?
Is he skiing? - What?
Or he is in a gay porn?
Is he skiing?
Or he is in a gay porn?
Here's a hint:
he's in a gay porn.
Okay, Bo. This miming shit
is getting pretty annoying.
So give them the real thing.
My voice is so fucking natural.
It's naturally good.
NaTuRaLly goooood.
Naturally good.
This is the end of the song
and the beginning of the show.
Welcome to the show!
That lizard part was
pretty fucking stupid.
Anyway.
San Francisco, yeah.
Yeah.
We are a place,
we are a place in California.
Um, I'd like to, uh..
Let's just start with a
joke for my male audience.
Uh, this is a joke for the fellas.
Where my fellas at?
Fellas?
Yo fellas, don't you hate it
when you're blowing a guy
and he ends up being a faggot?
Am I right?
I've been blowing a faggot
this whole time?!
Third time, this week.
Thank you so much.
Well, everything's fi-- uh...
This, um...
This show is, uh,
called 'what.'
And I hope there's some
surprises for you, or so--
Jesus, sorry.
It's a good start. Uh,
hold on, there's some--
He meant to knock the water over.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But you all thought it
was an accident, but...
He meant to knock the water over.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Art is a lie,
nothing is real.
So, um. We, uh...
Grow up!
Grow up with your applause.
Stick it, fa--
Yeah, meant to knock the
water over.
But you all thought
it was an acc--
Just, don't. If it's on 'repeat.'
It will repeat.
Just this is, well, we
can cut all this. So, we--
Meant to play the track again.
But you all thought
it was accident.
But he meant to play the
'water track' again-gain-gain.
Art still a lie,
nothing still real.
Food jokes,
let's do some food jokes.
Segways are weird.
Um..
I had a, uh..
I had a hotdog for breakfast today
and afterwards,
I felt like this.
'Cause I couldn't control my stools.
Alright, Jesus!
Glad you like poop-based puns,
they'll be a majority of the show.
Never waste a moment.
Every moment can become
a comedic moment.
See?
So, just a little lesson
for comedians.
This first song
is called
A World On Fire.
This next song is a little bit,
a little bit longer than that one.
And, um...
Thank you.
It's about how sad I am
and I'm really sad.
Let's call it Sad.
It's about all the sad stuff.
Just picture a depressed onion
cutting itself.
I met a homeless man
named Rich.
Isn't that terrible?
I saw a flier for a lost dog
and the dog didn't
have any legs.
I saw a diabetic kid
trick-or-treating.
I saw a giraffe who
had a short neck.
That was sad, or a deer.
I saw an old man
get hit by a train.
He didn't see it
in the pouring rain.
He didn't hear me shout,
'Look out for the train!'
'Cause I didn't say anything.
I just thought to myself
'Oh, this is going to be sad.'
And it was.
I'm a genius.
I saw a man with
only one-eye
in a 3D movie.
I saw a little boy drop
his ice-cream cone
directly on his mother's corpse.
I saw a kitten stuck in a tree
then the kitten jumped off
and it hung itself.
I saw a boy who had red hair.
I went to a store looking
for something to buy.
But they only sold paintings
of this same sad guy.
No, wait!
This store sells mirrors?!
See what I did there?
Let's rock!
No.
The world's so sad, bros.
Pain, genocide, war, sexism, racism.
But I gotta remember there's
good things about it too.
Like the fact that none of
that's happening to me.
Score!
Still though, it's hard
not be sad about it.
How do y'all do it?
I've been telling you guys
terribly sad things this whole song
you haven't been sad at all,
you've been..
you've been happy.
No!
You've been laughing.
That it, laughter.
It's the key to everything.
It's the way to solve
all the sadness in the world.
I mean, not for the people
that are actually sad
but the people like us that got to
fucking deal with them all the time.
Being a comedian isn't
being an insensitive prick
capitalizing on the most
animalistic impulses of the public.
It's being a hero.
The world isn't sad
the world's funny.
I'm a sociopath!
I saw an old man
slip and fall.
Hey, what a fucking idiot.
I saw a woman at her
daughter's funeral.
Ha, ha, ha.
Classic comedy!
Every that once was sad
is somehow funny now.
The Holocaust and 9/11.
That shit's funny 24/7.
'Cause tragedy will be
exclusively joked about.
Because my empathy is
bumming me out.
Goodbye, sadness.
Hello, jokes!
Thank you.
I got a really good joke
about video editors.
Video editors are so fucking
I think we should do
a poem right now
if that's okay.
This poem is a little bit sappy,
a little bit romantic.
So, we'll get it out
of the way now.
And, uh..
We will go back to the, uh..
Oops!
The, uh.. The dirty stuff,
you know
every one loves it at a
late-show or whatever.
Okay.
Uh, it's called I Fuck Sluts.
Woo!
It's not a roll-call, but thank you.
Sluts!
Sluts!
Sluts!
Sluts!
I fuck sluts!
Sluts get fucked when
I fuck sluts.
No if ands and or buts.
I fuck sluts.
I fuck sluts!
Nice girls are nice
but no good for nut-sucking.
They'll need a serene night
to green-light a butt-fucking.
But that'll be easy with
sleazy old slut-fucking.
Boo to the nice girls.
Praise be the slut-fucking!
I have a list.
A list?
Yes, a list of all
the sluts I've missed.
I never fucked or sucked these sluts
and thus my nuts
are fucking pissed.
So when I fuck the lucky slut
my nut removes her
from the list.
Another dumb cum-bucket struck
from my Nut-sucking, Suck It Slut,
Slut-fucking bucket list.
Yes, you hear the influences:
Chaucer, Keats.
Pages are blank.
I know it.
Why am I lying to you?
Sluts can be white, black,
brown, pink or almond.
They can be skinny with big tits
or be skinny with small ones.
Sluts can be perky, preppy or posh
with their brains and their
clothes all shrunk from the wash.
Excuse me.
But other sluts are
pretty and funny and smart.
These sluts can lift all thoughts,
from your dick to your heart.
They can talk about
science, music or art.
They can put you together.
Or they can pull you apart.
But don't trust these sluts, don't.
Don't you dare,
they'll force you to trust them
and love them and care
and then they'll be gone
and then you'll be aware
of that hole in your heart
that dumb slut left there.
Thank you very much.
So,
he was lashing out with
sexist language
'cause he had his heart broken.
We all learned something.
Thank you all for coming.
I know, some of my bits are
a little bit fast and dense
a little bit hard to follow,
particularly that one.
So I want to do something
a little bit slower
for the people, maybe the older people
in the crowd or something.
So, um..
This is for you.
Here's a slow joke.
What did the
ear of corn say
when all of its
clothes fell off?
Aw, shucks!
Get it?
Like, 'shucks'
as in,
'shucking corn'?
And also,
'shucks' the exclamation?
Am I right?
Good, we're having fun.
My father recently told me
that I act too
flamboyant on stage.
And I said, 'Really, Dad?'
'Prove it!'
He said, 'What about that joke
where you throw confetti at the end of it?'
I said, 'I haven't written that joke yet!'
''Cause it's based off this conversation!'
Gotcha!
Keep it.
Keep the struggle.
We're having a lot of fun guys.
Don't worry about--
You don't have to fill the, t-the
silences with laughter or applause.
I don't want you leaving
this show thinking,
'My hands hurt from clapping.
My stomach hurts from laughing.'
I just want you leaving
the show thinking,
'Mm, m'alright.'
And we're on our way.
I moved to Hollywood, recently
from Boston where I grew up.
And-- Places!
And I--
I--
I heard about these sort
of wild Hollywood party nights
that people would have and
I didn't think they were true
until I moved to Hollywood
and I started having them.
Anyway, this is a-- This
is a song about a crazy night
that happened
a couple of weeks ago.
It's called,
What Did I Do Last Night?
Yeah, yeah.
Ay, ay, ay.
What did I do last night?
I cried myself to sleep.
It was a good one.
When did my mother first
described gay sex to me?
Good question.
I was 8-years-old.
I was 8-years-old.
She brought me into
the dining room
she sat right across
the table from me.
She said, 'Do you know how
your father and I love each other?'
I said, 'Of course.'
'You and dad love
each other'
'more than two people in
the world'
'could possibly love each other.'
She said, 'Well, two men'
'can love each other in the
exact same way'
'that your father and I
love each other.'
She said, 'What happens when
two men love each other like that?'
'What they do is they, uh..'
'They take off all their clothes.'
'Uh, hmm, they get in the bed.'
'And they shit on the bible!'
So I don't talk to her anymore.
Okay.
Hello, patient 2-4-6-0-2.
Hi.
I'm sorry.
How are you feeling?
Not great.
- Has the treatment been working?
No, it hasn't been.
What are your remaining symptoms?
I just, I--
I internalize my feelings.
I just--
I have trouble artic--
Like, other people and
relating to them
So, basically you're still a little bitch.
- is just too hard.
Real mature of you,
disembodied voice
up there.
- I was just joking, nigger.
We are right by Oakland.
Careful with that shit!
I'm not human.
I can say whatever I want.
- Alright, just get to the-- What--
What's wrong with me?
What is wrong with me?
Please.
Your emotions and your logic
are at war.
Okay.
Your creativity and
your analysis are at war.
And most simply, your
left and right brain are at war.
My left and my right--
- To fix the problem
we must separate them
from each other.
Separate--?
Splitting your neurological functions in
5,
4,
3, 2.
- We book an appointment.
You don't just start counting down.
- 1.
Hey!
- This may hurt a bit.
I don't even know what 'it' is.
Just... - Zero.
Isolation complete.
This is Bo's Left Brain.
Objective: Logical, cold, analytical,
aware of patterns, aware of trends.
He's efficient
and a prick.
This is Bo's Right Brain
Subjective, creative, sensory,
aware of feelings
aware of people.
He's emotional. - Yes.
And an idiot.
It's your opinion.
So just..
Okay boys.
- Careful with opinions.
Play nice.
I am the Left Brain,
I am the Left Brain.
I work really hard 'til
my inevitable death, brain.
You got a job to do,
you better do it right
in the right way is
with the Left Brain's might.
I like Oreos, and pussy.
Okay.
And I cried for
at least an hour after
watching Toy Story 3.
I am the Right Brain.
I have feelings.
I'm a little all over the place.
But I'm lustful, trustful and
I'm looking for somebody to love.
Or put my penis in.
Here comes a female,
here comes a female.
Puff your chest out, take your
phone and check your e-mail.
Our evolutionary purpose
is repopulate.
So gather data now and
see if she's a possible mate.
Holy fuck!
I think she might be the one.
There's something about her.
I just can't describe it.
Tits.
I am the earth,
she's the glorious sun.
I want her to trust me.
And I just want her to
sit on my face.
Sit.
Alright, oh Right Brain,
you're being insane.
No, Left Brain.
I'm just being alive.
You should try it.
You might like it.
I worked hard to give
him everything he cared about.
You were worried about
the things he was scared about.
I am calm and collected
when you act wild.
I am the adult
you are the child.
You think you're
the right one every time.
You think you know everything,
you don't know
anything at all.
Half of his problems were
supposed to be mine.
But you wanted everything
I hope that you're happy
'cause he's sure not.
Well, according to my calculations,
you're a pussy.
Name calling, really?
We're gonna do 'name-calling'?
I'm not calling names, alright,
we're stating facts
and the fact is,
you're a quivering pussy.
I'm the pussy? Well, at least
I don't play with toys still.
Okay, Rubik's Cubes are not toys!
They keep my
'spacial-reasoning' skills sharp.
Left Brain plays with toys!
Look at you!
Johnny fucking--
toy player.
Well, at least I did
my fucking job!
I kept him working,
I kept him productive.
You were supposed to
look after him.
You were supposed to keep him
emotionally stable through all this.
Now, you're trying to blame me
for how he's 'feeling'?
How he's feeling?!
If he's feeling unhappy,
it's because you failed him.
You did this to him and
he hates you. I know he does.
He fucking hates you!
Right Brain, look.
I'm sorry.
No, you're not!
Look, maybe there's something
that we could do together.
Together?
Take the best parts of
both of us
and put them together.
I'm listening.
It would let you let
your feelings out,
it would let me analyze.
So you could man the themes,
I'll man the form.
It's something that
George Carlin did.
It's something that
Steve Martin did.
It's something special
that we could both perform.
Do you know what it is?
Juggling? We could juggle
and juggle out cares away.
It was 'comedy.'
We could do 'comedy' together.
Initiate reassembly.
- Alright, alright.
Right Brain, we're gonna
do comedy together, alright?
Alright.
Alright, Left Brain.
I'll do comedy with you.
Look, we can fix him like this.
We can make him happy again, I promise.
- Reformation into singular mind
in 5.
- Left Brain!
Left Brain, I love you.
- 4, 3.
2.
I know.
- 1.
Experimentation complete.
Thank you very much.
At this part of the show, I'd like
to talk about how deep I am.
And I'm pretty fucking deep.
Deep, deep, deep.
So deep
that I called this song
#Deep.
Have you ever stopped to watch
a bluebird drop from a tree
and take to the air?
Me neither.
Have you ever took time out
to finish a rhyme
but the right words just
weren't there?
Meat cleaver.
The people in my life
are like grains of sand
'cause they stick together
often near my butt-hole.
If life is an ocean,
I am a deep and handsome fish.
A fish that's drowning.
If the artistic process
is a birth canal, then
I am a freshly jellied kid.
Come witness my crowning.
These thought of mine
must be a sign that I'm
#Deep.
If Jesus can walk on water,
can he swim on land?
Have you ever accidentally
peed on the toilet seat
instead of on your girlfriend's face?
Me neither.
Me neither!
Have you ever wrote a song
note for note,
and not a single note was
out of place?
Duh!
Go on.
The people in my life
are like blades of grass.
How?
'Cause they're all so grounded.
But at least grass
stays away from my butt-hole!
Art is a harlot
and I am her sassy urban friend.
Bitch, why you being so selfish?
If momma is right and
the world is my oyster,
then I must have an
allergy to shell--
You don't know.
How could you know?
If life makes you wish
you were dead,
just put on a good movie
then promptly put
a bullet in your head.
Spend forever asleep.
'Cause life pales in comparison
to living the dream.
#Deep.
Thank you.
Don't you hate it
when that happens?
Yeah.
Thank you, that's called
Beating Off In A Minor.
Yes.
Yes.
'A Minor,' the key.
Not the felony.
So..
I believe--
I believe there's nothing
more manly one can do
than take a shower
with five other guys.
It's true.
It's early caveman, Cro-Magnon,
wandering through the fog
you know, scrubbing five
other sapiens.
No homo.
We should--
I'd like to do, uh.., little, uh..
Do some, um, Po--
poems right now.
Uh, if that's okay.
Just wanting to
at this part of the show
These poems are actually--
from I'm-I'm releasing
this special for free.
So, I'm gonna plug my poetry book.
The-these are my new poems from
my poetry book called Egghead.
That will be out by the time
this is airing.
But not by the time you guys
are seated here right now, so..
It's good that they're pretty serious
and it's all just sort of--
This sort of the 'lull of the show' usually.
So I'd like to--
At this point, sort of take
the pressure off the audience
and just read some poems
and then we'll go back
to the giggles, so..
This is a poem by a dog.
'Roses are gray.
Violets are a different shade of gray.'
'Let's go chase cars!'
Me, with my strange
choice of adjectives.
You, with your muscular teeth
and clockwise vagina.
I put a chameleon on a red dildo.
He blushed.
There we go.
This is a poem about beauty,
about self-image and
about the ability to transform.
Martha was ugly like a
shaven Baboon.
So she wrapped herself
up in a curtained cocoon.
And after a week, she
finally emerged.
She smelled like shit.
What a psycho!
You're incomparable.
Like a
I want to beat you to death
with a blunt object.
I want to grab one of these
high-end fashion mannequins
by the ankles and bash
your rib-cage in.
I want to sharpen 50 pencils,
bind them with a rubber band
stick the lead in your mouth
and punch the erasers.
I want to strap you to
a bed of nails
then strap that bed of nails
to the hood of my car
so I can watch you suffer as we
drive over speed-bumps
in a mall parking lot
during a earthquake.
I want you to somehow
survive a terrible car-crash
and somehow not survive
a small fender-bender
on the way back from
the hospital.
Thank you, that's called Dad.
This is a poem.
It's really a story
that's meant primarily for children.
But I think it's got a
lesson, we could all learn.
The Squares lived happily
in their square houses,
in their square yard
in their square town.
But then one day a family of
Circles moved in from the West.
'Get out of here, roundies!'
shouted one of Squares.
'Why?' said one of the Circles.
''Cause this is a metaphor
for racism!'
When I walk into a party,
you'd think I was one of those
long, straight Tetris pieces.
'Cause everyone's just like,
'Oh yeah, this guy's here finally.'
'We've been waiting for him
to show up.'
Like-- You wait--
In the game-- Forget it.
I mean, no--
You had your chance!
Guys,
if I had a million dollars,
I'd pay your mother
to have sex with me.
Afterwards, I'd probably invest
the remaining
nine-hundred ninety-nine thousand
nine-hundred ninety dollars.
10 dollars for sex with your mother.
Comedy!
It's-- I smell comedy.
Well, it was 'comedy'
giving off that scent.
And finally,
Mid October,
with leaves spilled like
colored pencil-shavings.
The streets dicing our town into
neat, unfair portions
and me,
eating that pussy, baby.
Thank you so much.
Um...
There's things that I don't
want to come across in my show
that I worry, often
come across about me.
'Cause people don't realise
that it's an act up here.
I don't want you to ever
think that
I think I'm better than people.
Or that I think I know
better than people.
Uh, anyway.
Sorry, okay.
Uh, this is a song
from the perspective of god.
The books you think
I wrote are way too thick.
Who needs a thousand
metaphors to
figure out you shouldn't
be a dick?
And I don't watch you
when you sleep.
Surprisingly, I don't use my
omnipotence to be a fucking creep.
You're not going to heaven.
Why the fuck would you
think I'd ever kick it with you?
None of you are going to heaven.
There's a trillion aliens
cooler than you.
You shouldn't abstain from rape
just 'cause you think
that I want you to.
You shouldn't rape, 'cause
rape is fucked-up thing to do.
'Pretty obvious, just
don't fucking rape people!'
'Didn't think I had to
write that one down for you.'
I don't think masturbation is obscene.
It's absolutely natural and the
weirdest fucking thing I've ever seen.
You make my job a living hell.
Oh, I sent 'gays' to fix overpopulation.
'Boy, did that go well.'
You're not going to heaven.
Eat a thousand crackers,
sing a million hymns.
None of you are going to heaven.
You're not my children,
you're a bad game of Sims.
You shouldn't abstain from pork
just 'cause you think that I want you to.
You can eat pork.
''Cause why the fuck would
I give a shit?!'
'I created the universe.'
'Think I'm drawing the line
at the fucking Deli aisle.'
You argue and you bicker
and you fight.
Atheists and Catholics, Jews
and Hindus argue day and night
over what they think is true.
But no one entertains
the thought
that maybe god does
not believe in you.
You pray so badly for heaven.
Knowing any day might
be the day that you die.
But maybe life on earth
could be heaven.
Doesn't just the thought
of it make it worth a try?
My love's the type of thing
that you have to earn it.
When you earn it,
you won't need it.
Oh, my love's the type
of thing
that you have to earn it.
When you earn it,
you won't need it.
I'm not gonna give you love just
'cause I know that you want me to.
If you want love, then the
love has got to come from you.
Walking between the microphones
is really awkward.
Tell me about it.
Women are stupid.
Yeah, I fucking said it.
They're the weaker,
dumber sex!
I can prove it to you.
I like to practice safe-sex.
Why?
'Cause I'm a guy.
And I'm smarter.
What do women say every time--
every time I put on
a condom, what do they say?
'Why are you wearing a condom
if I'm fucking you with a strap-on?'
To be safe, bitch!
Women, right?
They're the dumb ones.
It's time for a story.
Let's do a story.
It's time for a story.
It's time for a story.
A very special story,
especially for you.
It's time for a story.
It's time for a story!
So sit down and listen now.
Don't be a Jew.
This story is called, 'Andy'
That's a glitch!
You can be Jewish.
This story--
This story is called, 'Andy the frog.'
'Featuring long and convoluted similes.'
And I'll warn you when, uh,
one of those long and convoluted
similes rears its old, uh..
head.
So, here we go.
Once upon a time,
there was a frog named Andy.
Andy lived at the
patterned park pond
and never hopped anywhere
else in his entire frog-life.
He had three best friends.
Milly, who never left her lily-pad.
Billy, who was always hopping mad.
And Roger, who was arrested
for possession of tadpole-porn.
So, one day--
One day
Andy saw something hop across
the grass on the other side of the pond.
'Milly, Billy, Roger, look!'
said Andy.
Across the pond stood
the most beautiful frog Andy
had ever seen.
'She's gorgeous,' said Milly.
'She's beautiful,' said Billy.
'Bit old for my taste,' said Roger.
Classic Roger.
And then she was gone.
'I need to go find her,' said Andy.
'I need to follow my
little frog-heart.'
So, Andy followed the beautiful
frogs footsteps into the forest.
He then came across a turtle.
'You can't pass,' said the turtle.
'Please!' said Andy.
'No!' said the turtle.
And, uh, this is the first long,
convoluted simile.
Then there was a rustling
in the bushes
and, like a man who had
been shot in the chest with a rifle,
the turtle was shot in
the chest with a rifle.
Andy kept moving.
But at this point,
like the doctor of the Kenyan
Track team,
his patience ran thin.
Andy kept moving.
He then came across
a giant crocodile.
And the crocodile began to chant,
'I woke up this morning
and I sat on a log.'
'I opened up the menu,
the menu said frog.'
Andy said, 'No! No, please
let go off me!'
'I can feel myself dying.'
'You're ripping out my insides!'
'I'm never gonna find her, am I?'
'There's no god, is there?'
'Fuck! Fuck!'
The end.
The end. So, it's
the end of that story.
Yeah, if you're curious, the
moral of that story is irrelevant.
'Cause we're humans.
Why would it apply to us?
You know, my father is so
hard to get along with.
'Cause he's such a man's man.
You know.
He believes like,
for example,
'you should always fight
fire with fire.'
Which is a horrible way
to live your life.
Especially for him
'cause he's a fire-fighter, so..
He was fired.
That was as stupid as we get.
But let's get a little stupider, huh?
There's a creepy old man,
fishing in the park
and the only problem is
he tied a candy bar
to the end of his line.
He's trying to catch a kid.
You know, that stuff.
Trying to get a little more mainstream.
People complain about the way
I act on stage very often,
you know, they say like
I repeat jokes.
Or, they also say that--
They say-- They don't get
again that this is an act on stage
and they think on stage I act
too arrogant, too self-obsessed,
solipsistic, self-contained, synonyms..
And they want me to be--
They want me to be a
comic of the people, you know.
Relate to the people with
the overarching glue of comedy.
So, I want to do a little bit
of a relatable comedy for you guys.
I'm like you guys.
You know, once a week
I like to slip into
a deep existential depression
where I loose all my senses
of one-ness and self-worth. Ha-ha.
And what I like to do, in order
to assure myself that I am unique,
and not just one of many
small, white, indistinguishable
perfectly cylindrical checker pieces
in Jesus and Satan's backgammon game,
is I will--
I'll say a group of words
that I think no one has ever said
in that order. So that..
when I say it, I feel like,
'look at me,'
'participating in this new moment
that no one's ever been a part of.'
So I'll say something random, like, uh...
Like, peanut-butter tribadism.
Or, uh..
I'm your father and
I loved your comedy show.
Or, at first I was uncomfortable leaving
him alone with my children
but then I saw his mustache.
Phew!
Or, uh..
Or, yo check out this Amish website!
Or, um..
Or, I work at a toll-booth
and I don't want to kill myself.
Or-- That's too--
Too real.
Oh yo man, my life's about
three things, man. Three things!
Getting money,
getting pussy,
and the Dewey decimal system.
Or, uh..
Or, hey, can you hold my
fanny pack?
I'm gonna go fuck a woman.
If I could break--
I want to thank you
all for being here
because uh..
I mean-- It--
I'm so grateful that you'd all come here
and spend an hour of your time with me
and if you're watching at,
home or whatever
on a computer or something.
If you've made it this far
thank you very much for watching.
Genuinely, I-I-I--
This is my favorite thing to do.
And, I'm so grateful for
people watching it
and enjoying it, um...
Okay.
I will now recede back into
my stage persona.
I just blacked-out for twenty seconds.
Thank you for coming.
Love songs used to be so beautiful.
You know.
'Let us go then you and I,'
'when the evening is spread
out against the sky'
'like a patient etherized
on a table.'
- T. S. Elliot.
Beautiful.
Love songs nowadays,
just as beautiful guys.
Usher, Justin Bieber, One D,
you know them.
But these new artist, they've
done something very strange
to the format of the love songs.
They've changed it a bit.
And I tried to
capture how they've changed
the format of the love song
with this love song.
I hope you enjoy it
and mark the differences.
Jason Derulo.
I love your hair,
I love your name.
I love the way
you say it.
I love your heart
and you're so smart
'cause you gave away it.
I love your sis,
I love your dad,
I love your mum.
But more than
all of that
I love the fact that
you are dumb enough.
To not realize everything
I've said
has been said before
in a thousand ways,
in a thousand songs,
sung with the same 4 chords.
But you'll still love it,
and let me finger you.
Finger you! Finger you!
Oh girl, I hope you
don't think that I'm rude
when I tell you that
I love you, boo.
I also hope that you
don't see through
this cleverly constructed ruse,
designed by a marketing team,
cashing in on puberty and
low self-esteem
and girls' desperate
need to feel loved.
America says, 'we love a chorus.'
'But don't get complicated
and bore us.'
'Though meaning might be missing,'
'we need to know the
words after just one listen'
So repeat stuff, repeat stuff,
repeat stuff, repeat stuff.
Repeat stuff, repeat stuff,
repeat stuff, repeat stuff.
Repeat stuff, repeat stuff.
Yeah! Oh, you know it.
I love my baby and you know
I couldn't live without her.
But now I need to
make every girl
think this song's about her.
Just to make sure that they
spread it like the plague.
So I describe my dream-girl
as really, really vague.
Like,
I love your hands
'cause your fingerprints
are like no other.
I love your eyes
and their bluish,
brownish, greenish color.
I love it when you smile
that you smile wide.
And I love how your torso
has an arm on either side.
Now,
if you're my agent,
you might be thinking,
'Oh no, sound the alarms!'
'You're not appealing'
'to little girls who
don't have arms!'
But they can't use iTunes, so..
Fuck them!
Who need them!
Oh girl, I ho--
Oh hello, Satan!
Satan, you taste so good!
Repeat stuff, repeat stuff,
repeat stuff, repeat stuff.
Repeat stuff!
Everybody!
Repeat stuff, repeat stuff,
repeat stuff.
Come on, louder!
I can't hear you!
Repeat stuff, repeat stuff.
Repeat stuff, repeat stuff.
Young ones, listen up.
I'm in magazines
full of model teens,
so far above you.
So read them and hate yourself.
Then pay me to tell
you, 'I love you.'
Haah laah yaah.
And your parents
will always come along.
Because their little girl is in love.
And how could love be wrong?
How could love be wrong!
When you repeat stuff,
repeat stuff, repeat stuff.
Repeat stuff, repe---
I'm a vessel, 6-6-6!
Illuminati.
We know it's not right.
We know it's not funny
but we'll stop
beating this dead-horse
when it stops spitting
out money.
But until then..
we will repeat stuff.
Uh.. oh, thank you so much.
You guys have been, um--
You guys have been absolutely
amazing.
You've been absolutely amazing.
That's the end of the show.
I probably should've
ended it on a, sort of,
higher note there.
But, uh, yeah.
That's the end of 'what.'
I hope you liked it.
Bo! Oh, my god!
How are you?
I haven't seen you
since, like, freshman year.
Oh, my god.
You were so, like, skinny
and weird back then.
But now you're, uh--
Anyway.
You should totally come
to this party
I'm having tonight with a
bunch of my college friends.
Um, it's gonna be,
off the chain-hook!
It's gonna be so good.
You can play some songs
for us or something.
Um, I've been telling everybody
how good a friends we were
back in the day.
I know we never talked,
or hung-out ever.
But, um..
I think that's what made
our friendship so special.
You know?
Anyway, text me.
Okay. Bye!
Mister Burnham.
How you doing? Good?
Good.
I'm a-I'm an agent,
from out Los Angeles.
Uh, really dig your stuff, man.
It's-it's out there.
You know, I totally get it.
Uh, and the best part about it, man,
you got all these young fans,
uh, and, which is great because
young people, they're--
they're very passionate,
and they're very, uh--
they're very reliable consumers.
Uh Bo, what you got to do in order to
take your career to the next level,
you got to cater more
heavily to them.
Alright, we've done studies.
Young people do not respond to this,
you know, 'introspective' material
or these 'challenges-to-the-form', you know.
Young people want jokes
they can relate to.
Okay, so..
Write a.. write a silly
song about Facebook, you know.
Write some-- Write some
jokes about Twitter,
or... or.. sugary cereals or..
razor scooters.
Relate to them.
You know, also, you gotta reestablish your
presence on the internet, buddy.
Alright, it's not important
whether the material's good or not,
what's important is that you keep the
'Bo Burnham' brand alive and well.
You get it? Cool.
We'll discuss more later.
I know it's a lot.
Uh, my number is, uh..
3-1-0..
5-5-5
Um.. imaginary number.
Fag!
What up, dude? What's up?
How are you, man?
You've changed, bro.
You've changed.
I never knew you.
But, uh.. my friend's old
roommate's friend
said he knew in high school
and you became a real asshole
once all this 'comedy' stuff
started happening.
What, what is it, man?
You think you're better than us?
You think you're better than
us just 'cause you're tall?
Whoa, congrats man!
You're tall!
Wow, it's incredible!
Whoa, you want a trophy
for being tall?
You wanna--? We should
just give trophies to tall things
and every tree and building
will have a trophy.
Does that make sense?
Yo, why you acting all quiet
and weird right now?
Yo, I know why you are,
it's 'cause you're an arrogant prick,
that's why.
An arrogant fucking prick!
I once heard that you actually
act quiet because
you're shy and introverted in real life,
and that people shouldn't expect
you to act the same way
offstage as you do onstage.
Yeah..
Yeah, it makes no sense.
Anyway, you wanna buy some weed?
Bo! Oh, my god!
Bo, oh my god!
Bo.
Bo.
Bo.
Bo.
Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo.
Bo, oh my god!
Mister Burnham.
Bo, Bo.
- Fag.
Bo, oh my god.
Mister Burnham.
Bo, Bo.
- Fag.
Bo, oh my god.
- Mister Burnham.
Bo, Bo, Bo.
- Fag.
Oh, my god.
- Mister Burnham.
Bo, Bo.
- Fag.
Bo, oh my god.
- Mister Fag.
Mister, Mister fag.
Bo, oh my god.
Mister fag.
Mister, Mister fag.
Bo, oh my god.
- Fag, fag.
Mi-mi, mi-mi--
- Fag, fag.
Mister Burnham, Bo.
- Fag, fag.
Oh, my god. Mi-mi, mi-mi--
- Fag, fag, fag.
Mi-mi, mi-mi--
- Fag, fag.
Mi-mi, mi-mi--
- Fag, fag.
I am Satan, lord of darkness.
Bo, fag.
Oh, my god. Fag.
Mister Burnham. Fag
Bo-Bo, fag, Bo, fag.
Oh my god.
Fag. Bo, fag.
Oh, my god. Fag.
Fag, Mister Burnham.
Fag. Bo-Bo, fag.
Bo, fag, oh my god. Fag,
Mister Burnham, fag, Bo.
Bo, fag, uh, uh, hey!
Uh, uh, hey.
What the hell?
Uh, uh, hey!
Uh, uh, hey!
You're not gonna
hit the girl?
That's sexist.
Fa-fa---
Fag! Mister--
M-- Mister Bo-Bo!
We think you've changed, bro.
We know best.
You suck.
We think you've changed, bro.
We know best.
You suck.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
We think, we know, you.
Mister, Mister, Mister, Mister.
Bo, oh my god.
Bo, oh my god.
Bo, oh my god.
Bo, oh my god.
Bo, oh my god. Bo.
- Fag, fag, fag, fag.
Oh, my god.
- Fag, fag.
Bo, oh my god.
- Fag, fag, fag, fag.
Fag.
- Bo, Bo.
Fag.
- Bo, Bo.
Bo, oh my god!
- Mister Burnham, Mister Burnham.
Bo, oh my god!
- Mister Burnham, Mister Burnham.
Bo, oh my god! My God!
- Mister Burnham, Mister Burnham.
Bo, oh my god!
- Mister Burnham, Mister Burnham.
Bo, oh my god! My God!
- Mister Burnham, Mister Burnham.
Bo, oh my god!
- Mister Burnham, Mister Burnham.
Bo, oh my god! My God!
- Mister Burnham, Mister Burnham.
Bo, oh my god!
- Mister Burnham, Mister Burnham.
Oh my!
Mister Burnham.
Bo, you're going to school
in the fall?
What? - You're in a
school this year?
No.
You and David uncle
and I stay at my school.
Yeah, right.
Who's your teacher going to be?
Mrs. Planket.
Who?
Mrs. Poynkin.
- Mrs. Boynton?
No, Mrs.-- Mrs. Bontin
is gonna be Mrs. Poyinkent.
Oooooooooh!
I'm gonna go ask my friend,
Mrs.-- ask my teacher--
Mrs. Bangin and then I want to
ask my teacher Mrs. Clankin.
Bo, what do you think
you're gonna do at school?
I'm gonna bring Jello,
and, and the poop track,
and, an-an-and Tinkerbell
and, and, and all my stuff.
And all my stuff and--
banana and--
Apple. - Yeah, I know
you're gonna eat some snacks.
But what else are
you gonna do there?
Have a friend there.