Bo Burnham: Words, Words, Words (2010) - full transcript

The internet (and soon to be movie, TV, radio, etc.) phenomenon, Bo Burnham, brings you his first one-hour stand-up special "Bo Burnham: Words, Words, Words" from the House of Blues in Boston.

Thank you.

When I say hey, you say ho.

Hey.
Ho!

Hey.
Ho!

That's basically how Hitler
Rose to power.

♪ My show
is a little bit silly ♪

♪ and a little bit
pretentious ♪

♪ like Shakespeare's Willie ♪

♪ or noam chomsky
wearing a strap-on ♪

♪ It's also a little bit gay ♪

♪ and a little bit offensive ♪



♪ like Thanksgiving day ♪

♪ or noam chomsky
wearing a strap... on ♪

♪ so put your cell phones
to vibrate ♪

♪ and put your vibrators
to cell-phone mode ♪

♪ and welcome to the show ♪

♪ it goes a little bit
like this... joke ♪

♪ exactly,
welcome to my flow ♪

♪ it flows a little bit
like this ♪

♪ with a rap and a diss ♪

♪ then a swift rap on the wrist
a rap and a kiss ♪

♪ like hershey's wrappin'
a kiss, shit ♪

♪ I got a show
that'll test your kids ♪

♪ and I'd ask one question,
and the question is ♪

♪ what's funny? ♪



♪ What's funny,
what's funny, what's funny? ♪

♪ What's funny,
what's funny, what's funny? ♪

♪ Funny, fu-funny ♪

♪ what's funny ♪

♪ what's funny, what's funny,
what's funny? ♪

♪ What's funny, what's funny,
what's funny? ♪

♪ Funny, oh, yeah ♪

♪ humor is often linked
to shared experience ♪

♪ like a guy gets up and says
have you noticed ♪

♪ that public restrooms have
really inefficient hand dryers ♪

♪ oh, my god,
yes, I have ♪

♪ ha ha ha,
really good point ♪

♪ they should fix that ♪

♪ it's good to know
that somebody finally gets me ♪

♪ 'cause my wife divorced me
which subconsciously forced me ♪

♪ to lose all sense of self ♪

♪ so it's nice to think
about hand dryers ♪

♪ and not that cheating whore ♪

♪ because stand-up comedy
is actually pretty easy ♪

♪ if you're an Asian comic
just get up and say ♪

♪ my mother's got
the weirdest fuckin' accent ♪

♪ then just do
a Chinese accent ♪

♪ 'cause everybody laughs
at the Chinese accent ♪

♪ because they privately thought
your people were laughable ♪

♪ now you've given them
the chance ♪

♪ to express that in public ♪

♪ oh, yeah,
if you're a musical comic ♪

♪ just give 'em a little weird
voice inflection ♪

♪ then take a Viagra ♪

♪ and slap 'em
with a rock-hard misdirection ♪

♪ oh, what's funny? ♪

♪ What's funny, what's funny,
what's funny? ♪

♪ What's funny, what's funny,
what's funny? ♪

♪ Funny, fu-funny ♪

Tourettes!
♪ What's funny? ♪

♪ What's funny, what's funny,
what's funny? ♪

♪ What's funny, what's funny,
what's funny? ♪

♪ Funny, oh ♪

♪ and the audience says,
when I was a baby ♪

♪ maybe I laughed at people
jiggling keys ♪

♪ now I'm older
and bolder and just get mad ♪

♪ 'cause I notice that the keys
are to a Hummer ♪

♪ fuck my life,
I don't fuck my wife ♪

♪ so fuck my wife
and fuck my life ♪

♪ and my son is gay,
but not sitcom gay ♪

♪ daughter's a whore
like another girl ♪

♪ that used to be your mother ♪

♪ but the marriage
made her miss Mary americana ♪

♪ I wanna team with
that screamin' prima Donna ♪

♪ but the radical feminists
made my wife a man ♪

♪ oh, and if I die happy
the situation ♪

♪ will be autoerotic
asphyxiation ♪

♪ I hate my life
and it hates me back ♪

♪ and my friend is black ♪

♪ but I don't know
what to call him ♪

♪ so I just call him ♪

"What up, Jamal?"

♪ Even though his name
is Steve ♪

♪ I hate my job,
I hate my life ♪

♪ hate my kids,
I hate my wife ♪

♪ Jews don't I know I do it,
Judas beat me to it ♪

♪ I'm slowly slipping
into a solipsistic coma ♪

♪ and I masturbate
'cause I'm the only one ♪

♪ whose standards
are low enough to fuck me ♪

♪ What's funny? ♪

♪ What's funny, what's funny,
what's funny? ♪

♪ What's funny, what's funny,
what's funny? ♪

♪ Funny, fu-funny ♪

It's a boy.
♪ What's funny? ♪

♪ What's funny, what's funny,
what's funny? ♪

♪ What's funny, what's funny,
what's funny? ♪

♪ Funny, yeah ♪

♪ hopefully this ♪

Thank you.

Thank you.

My ex-girlfriend
had a really weird fetish.

She used to like to dress up
as herself

and then act like
a fuckin' bitch all the time.

But you know,
they say if you wanna know

what a girl's gonna look like,
look at her mother,

you know, so I'm so glad
I broke up with her,

'cause she would've been,
you know...

Dead.

I want your baby!

I'm keeping him.

Guys, I'm a realist!
I'm a realist.

I try not to romanticize
reality.

You know, like when life
gives you lemons,

you probably just found lemons.

But at the same time,

I don't deny the beauty
in the world

'cause there is so much beauty,
because life

can be so symmetrical,

it gives birth to this
almost silent poetry,

you know, like a hermaphrodite
playing the keytar,

or a young amish boy trying to
blow out the light bulbs

on his birthday cake,

or a girl... a girl
who's terrible at grammar

saying, "mama,
you raised me good."

And then being pushed
down a well.

Symmetry.

Here's some racial humor
for you.

White people are like this...
"eh."

Black people are like this...
"what?."

We're destined to fight forever.
Blood in the streets.

If I had a dime... ha!

If I had a dime for every time
a homeless guy

asked me for change,
I'd still say, "no."

No. Nope.

Yo' mama so fat!
Yo' mama so ugly!

Yo' mama so stupid!

Your mother's breasts sag
with such severity

that the late great
surrealist artist Salvador dali

mistook them for clocks.

Um, thank you.

I... I believe...

I believe firmly
that women are always right.

I do. I do.

Oh, I should rephrase that.

I, uh...

Don't.

♪ Men and women ♪

This song is called
"men and women"!

♪ Men are like vows ♪

♪ 'cause they're
easily broken ♪

♪ oh, yeah ♪

♪ women are like cows ♪

♪ 'cause they both have
vaginas ♪

♪ men are like muzzles ♪

♪ because they'll
try to shut you up ♪

♪ oh, yeah ♪

♪ women are like puzzles ♪

♪ 'cause prior to 1920,
neither had the right to vote ♪

♪ puzzles still don't ♪

♪ oh,
a man is an eagle ♪

♪ yeah,
a woman is a dove ♪

♪ women can fake orgasms ♪

♪ but men can fake love ♪

♪ Women are like fingers
and toes ♪

♪ 'cause they're easy
to count on ♪

It's cute.

♪ Men are like ravens
and crows ♪

♪ 'cause they hate
using condoms ♪

What?

♪ Women are like yahtzees,
oh, yeah ♪

♪ 'cause I rarely get them ♪

I don't.

♪ Men are like Nazis ♪

♪ 'cause they both caused
the holocaust ♪

It's true.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ for every dollar
that a man makes ♪

♪ a woman makes 70 cents ♪

♪ that doesn't make sense,
that's not fair ♪

♪ the man's only left
with 30 ♪

♪ Men and women ♪

♪ oh, men and women,
it's black and white ♪

♪ with an area of gray
for hermaphrodite ♪

♪ oh, yeah ♪

♪ oh, well, yeah ♪

♪ male strippers ♪

♪ always look like
they're applying lotion ♪

♪ and female strippers when
they're dancing on the pole ♪

♪ just look like ♪

♪ confused firemen ♪

Thanks.

Thank you.

Pick that wedge!

I'm 19 years old.
I'm a young comedian.

I hate that term
"young comedian."

I prefer "prodigy."

And people pigeonhole me,

you know, as a comic,
which is so disingenuous.

'Cause I'm not a comedian.
I'm an artist.

And I don't do comedy shows.
I do one-man shows.

I've been doing them...
1998 was my first one-man show.

It was a show about Jews
in Nazi Germany

called
"under the floorboards."

No, no, no, watch and then judge.

This is a scene
from "under the floorboards."

Hey.

Shh!

Then in '99...

'99, I did a piece called
"the catholic orgasm."

I'll do a scene from that.

2000... um...

2000, I did a piece called
"the inappropriate musician."

Mike...

Mike, back off the ledge, Mike.

Mike, think about your kids.

You want them to grow up
without a father?

Is that what you want, Mike?
Mike, please, listen to me!

I'm your friend! Mike!
Mike, no, Mike!

No, Mike!

He's saved.

And then in, um, 2001,

I did John steinbeck's
"the grapes of wrath,"

except I adapted it into a story

about an intergalactic sexual
predator

called "the rapes of grath."

2002, I did a piece...

If you're familiar with
the piece "the elephant man"

I did a piece based off that
called "bulldog man"

and I'll do a monologue
from that right now.

2000, uh...

2000... thank you.
That was a good one.

I got a danza nomination
for that.

It's right after the Tonys.
2000...

2003 I did a piece

called "the native American
in the magic show."

How?

2004, I did a piece called
"smeagol from lord of the rings

having sex with a black girl.

Oh! Precious.

Two thou...

2005, I did a piece called

"Charlie brown
getting molested."

What are you doing?
Hello, is anybody here?

What are you doing?
Let go of me!

What are you doing?!

Good grief!

So, 2000, um..

Thank you. Yeah.

That was a good one.

2005, 6? 5?

Doesn't matter.
I'm lying.

2000...

2006, I did a piece called
"the figure skater's father."

My son?
What does he do?

He's a, uh...

He's an athlete.

What kind of athlete?

He's a, uh...

He's a f...

He a...

He's a f...

2000...

2007, I did a piece called
"the juggler's wife."

"Please stop juggling!"

2008...

I did a dark piece that caused
a lot of controversy

because I played a slave
in the 1780s,

but I didn't wear makeup,
'cause as an artist,

I feel I'm qualified
to tell any story.

And it was
a piece called "whiplashes,"

and it's raw, hard art,
so if you're averse to that,

you might want to look away.

But this is the climactic scene
from "whiplashes."

You'll have to answer
to god for this.

Ow.

You're a dick.

And then, um...

2009, which is the final piece

before the piece
I'm doing currently, um...

I did a really emotional piece.

It means a lot to me,
so forgive me if I break down,

but it's called
the "the boy and his dog."

It goes like this.

Get out of here, all right?
Go, please.

I can't afford to keep you
anymore, I just can't.

Just... don't make this harder
than it has to be.

Just... I hate you.

Is that what you need
to hear from me?

I hate you, okay?
I hate you.

I hate you!

And it's just not me.

My dog hates Mexicans, too.

Oh, god.
Gotta love irony.

I, um...

I believe in the zodiac.

I do, I do, completely.

I'm a Leo.
I love "Titanic."

But this is something
a little bit morbidly ironic.

My grandmother,
she was a cancer,

and she was actually killed

by a giant crab.

This is a song
about the idea of irony.

So strap in.

♪ My dog's stomach
was very upset ♪

♪ so I put him in the car,
and we went to the vet ♪

♪ and on our way to the vet ♪

♪ I killed a cat ♪

♪ hey,
I said isn't that ironic? ♪

♪ I adopted a child
from overseas ♪

♪ to rescue him
from child-labor factories ♪

♪ and on his
very first birthday ♪

♪ we went
to build-a-bear workshop ♪

♪ isn't that ironic? ♪

♪ Isn't that i-r-o-n-i-c ♪

♪ i-n-o-r-i-r-o-n-i-c ♪

♪ water park
is burned to the ground ♪

♪ and a tow truck
has broken down ♪

♪ I always used to cry
when I laughed ♪

♪ and then I was raped
by a clown ♪

♪ Isn't... ♪

♪ I was watching al Gore
on CNN ♪

♪ he was talking and talking
and talking and then ♪

♪ out of boredom my pet
polar bear shot himself ♪

♪ isn't that ironic? ♪

♪ I dated
an animal rights activist ♪

♪ and one day
she got really pissed ♪

♪ because I was eating veal
that was wrapped in pita bread ♪

Peta? Fuck it.

♪ Isn't that i-r-o-n-i-c ♪

♪ i-n-o-r-i-r-o-n-i-c? ♪

♪ Yeah,
I'm a stand-up comic ♪

♪ and I always sit
and slouch ♪

♪ and I got
my girlfriend pregnant ♪

♪ on my sterile uncle's
pull-out couch ♪

♪ isn't it ironic?
I-r-o-n-i-c ♪

♪ yeah, if every day you play
the board game risk ♪

♪ you've probably never taken
a risk in your life ♪

♪ and monopoly
has far from a stranglehold ♪

♪ on the board game market ♪

♪ a little kid died
from suffocation ♪

♪ when he choked on a game piece
from operation ♪

♪ and I can't grow a beard ♪

♪ that one's not ironic ♪

♪ that one's just sad ♪

♪ yeah, Bob barker
got all of my pets pregnant ♪

♪ My grandfather
had Alzheimer's ♪

♪ and one day, we were ♪

Take it off, big boy!

Thank you, it's a medium.

Um...

We live in a binary reality.
We do.

It's a world of black and white.

There's only two types
of people in this world,

you know,
those who can finish lists...

What is art?
What is art?

Is art something gay people do
to get back at their fathers?

Could be.
What is an artist?

What makes a great artist,
great artists like myself,

like the great director
Michael bay.

Like the great Irish actor,
Shaquille O'Neal.

We ask questions, you know?

Questions nobody else
dares to ask.

Questions like...

Where are all
the sour patch parents?

Questions like
if Mickey's a mouse

and minnie's a mouse,
and Donald's a duck,

and Daisy and goofy,
if they're all animals,

and they can talk,
why is pluto just a fuckin' dog?

Why... did they just forget to
anthropomorphize him, or worse,

is Mickey keeping a mentally
handicapped dude as pet?

I'm not making light of it.
That's fucked up.

How does it fit into
that universe, that paradigm?

Goofy's a dog. He's talking.
This one, crawling around.

Guys, I would never bash Disney.
I would never bash Disney.

I think Disney teaches
young kids

such important lessons.

The Princess fairy tales
teach young girls

such important lessons.

You know, like cinderella,

it doesn't matter
where you come from

or how poor you are as long
as you're incredibly hot.

Snow white, you know, which
encourages children to,

you know,
give midgets nicknames.

Sleeping beauty, you know,

which encourages, uh...

Date rape.

Maybe not... maybe not that one.

I was doing a show recently
on the border

of Hannah, Montana,
and south Dakota fanning.

And a guy came up to me
after the show,

and said, "Bo, why don't
you ever tell stories

about people coming up to you
after the show?"

And I said,
"'cause they're never funny."

I would fuck you.

This is a listening show.

Um...

Yeah.

Be quiet, america doesn't
want to hear you clap.

Do it, though, when I need it.

When I need it!

I've always wanted
a black girlfriend,

not as joke, just 'cause like,

then when we 69,
I can call it "yin yanging."

Guys, see...

Easy, look,
it's 21st-century racism.

It's racism in light of itself.

The only reason I'm making these
claims is because the stigmas

about race are already there
and I'm just playing off that.

'Cause I think racism itself
is so ridiculous,

and they understand that,
so if after the show,

you see a black guy
beating me up,

he's doing it ironically.

Okay?

I'll sleep with you!

We all will!

Ya done?

Of course all the women that
said that were in the dark.

I, um...

No, I bet you're gorgeous
in the dark.

Um...

Okay.

♪ I'm a feminine eminem ♪

♪ a slim shady lady but nice
'cause I texted Haiti ♪

♪ 90 lady cops in the road ♪

♪ and I'm arrested
for doin' 80 ♪

♪ like Hamlet, I'm about words,
words, words ♪

♪ divide a whole into thirds,
thirds, thirds ♪

♪ I'm a gay sea otter ♪

♪ I blow other dudes
out of the water ♪

♪ I'm the man-muffin
divin' muffin, ♪

♪ cold and fly
like an arctic puffin' ♪

♪ puffin' wacky-tobaccy ♪

♪ hatin' other rappers
like I'm huggin' pataki ♪

♪ and I've been rockin' this mic
before electricity ♪

♪ way back in 1,000 b.C.E. ♪

♪ That's before
the comin' era... ♪

♪ Oh, god, can't be stopped ♪

♪ flow so sick
that it should be mopped up ♪

♪ chick's got a Dixie cup ♪

♪ I got a dick full of helium,
I'll fuck you up ♪

♪ a boy, a girl,
a middle-aged bitch ♪

♪ Botox in the third person ♪

♪ I gave the perspective
a switch and ♪

♪ Botox in the third person ♪

♪ oh, just relax ♪

♪ if you want to know me
here's two facts ♪

♪ I hate catchy choruses ♪

♪ and I'm a hypocrite ♪

♪ said I hate
catchy choruses ♪

♪ and I'm a hypocrite ♪

Yeah!

♪ Met a girl named Macy ♪

♪ I had sex with her
all day ♪

♪ but she was dyslexic ♪

♪ so I ended up
doing the ymca ♪

♪ we ball in Asian ♪

♪ we bowl in prostate cancer
semicolon ♪

♪ find that hole
like I'm Stephen Hawking ♪

♪ Atticus Finch,
killing, mocking ♪

♪ cry like a child would ♪

♪ you raped my childhood ♪

♪ just strollin',
rollin' your pole in ♪

♪ to roly-Polly
olly's colon ♪

♪ to relax the mind ♪

♪ I take a walk by the clock,
and I pass the time ♪

♪ and rhymin'
mathematical timing ♪

♪ syntax impacts
the intact timin' ♪

♪ I'm an Internet provider ♪

♪ came from the web
like a horny spider ♪

♪ kissed a girl
in an apple orchard ♪

♪ then slipped in cider ♪

♪ I thought aids
was a butt virus ♪

♪ like conjunction junction
conjunctivitis ♪

♪ I spit gold bars 'cause I was
molested by my uncle midas ♪

♪ gay dads blow pops,
another sucker ♪

♪ oedipus
was the first mother fucker ♪

♪ I hate catchy choruses ♪

♪ and I'm a hypocrite ♪

♪ hungry,
hungry hypocrite ♪

♪ I hate catchy choruses ♪

♪ and I'm a hypocrite ♪

♪ we the people of usa ♪

♪ Jose, we're not talking
to you, esse ♪

♪ we got a border in order
to keep you out ♪

♪ it's what my nyu essay
is about ♪

♪ 'cause we're south of heaven,
north of hell ♪

♪ buy, buy, buy, buy,
buy, buy, sell ♪

♪ we guard the border
and we guard it well ♪

♪ but some slip through the
cracks of the Liberty bell ♪

♪ did I say Liberty?
I meant taco, paco ♪

♪ hey, you better
let that rock go ♪

♪ 'cause in real life,
Goliath wins ♪

♪ sells all the silk
that the widow spins ♪

♪ yeah, one more time ♪

♪ I hate catchy choruses ♪

♪ and I'm a hypocrite ♪

♪ said a hungry,
hungry hypocrite ♪

♪ I hate catchy choruses ♪

♪ and I'm a hy-y-pocrite ♪

Yeah.

♪ Bitches and hoes,
Bo's hoes ♪

♪ yeah,
bitches and hoes ♪

♪ yeah, I said bitches,
hoes ♪

♪ bitches and hoes
don't exist ♪

♪ because the hoes know
Bo's a feminist ♪

♪ bitches and hoes
don't exist ♪

♪ because the hoes know
Bo's a feminist ♪

♪ so take your bras
and burn 'em ♪

♪ you can let me burn 'em ♪

♪ take off your bras
and burn 'em ♪

♪ oh, you can let
Bo Burnham burn 'em ♪

♪ take your bras
and burn 'em ♪

♪ you can let me burn 'em ♪

♪ take off your bras
and burn 'em ♪

♪ burn 'em, you can let
Bo Burnham burn 'em ♪

What the fuck?

Let US pray.

Don't feel like
you can't participate,

by the way,
if you're not Christian,

'cause this is a prayer
for all faiths, so...

Dear Jesus of nazareth...

First of all,
I'd like to thank you

for calling yourself
Jesus of nazareth.

It's sort of like the lord
of the rings or something.

"I am Jesus of nazareth,
son of orflek, the butcher."

We know, lord, that you so
loved the world from John 3:16,

you so loved the world
that you sent your only son

to die for US, your only son,
but at the same time,

we're all your children,
so in your eyes,

we're a bunch of girls.

So help US as we struggle

with the temptations
of lesbianism, amen.

I, uh...

People come to me all the time...
All the time,

they say the same thing,
you know,

"Bo, you're an artist.
How do we fix Africa?"

I read recently that there are
over 22 million people

living with HIV aids
in Sub-Saharan Africa.

Yeah.
It was a snapple fact.

How do we fix it?
How do we fix it?

This.

Because laughter...

Laughter is the best medicine,

you know, besides medicine.

You guys like impressions?

Why?

That was socrates.

We've done a lot of laughing...
Lot of laughing.

Great for a comedy show.
Hey, break the fourth wall.

Ma'am.
Fifth wall... ma'am at home.

We've done a lot of...
We've done a lot of laughing.

But we haven't done a lot
of thinking.

And I'd like to do that now,
and what better

to stop comic inertia than
a little bit of poetic friction?

I've written some haikus.

Haikus are Japanese poems
consisting of 17 syllables,

3 lines, 5, 7, 5.

I find them to have a certain
clearness in their cogency,

sort of a soundness in their
simplicity, if you will.

So what we'll do now hopefully
is read these haikus,

think for a little bit,
and then we'll go back

to the jokes and the laughing

and we'll have benefited
from the time we took to think.

So if could just, you know,

put up with these,
think for a bit, hopefully,

and then we'll go back
to the jokes,

but these are my haikus.

I saw a rainbow
on the day my grandma died.

Fucking lesbian.

For 15 cents a day,
you can feed an African.

They eat pennies.

Old people's skin sags

because it is being
pulled towards the underworld.

Missed that.

A kid insulted my mother
so I said,

"your mama is so black!"

"Do unto others as you would
have them do to you."

Said the rapist.

My aunt used to say,
"slow and steady wins the race."

She died in a fire.

Those in glass houses
shouldn't throw stones

or masturbate in the daytime.

It's true.

Even if he is your friend,

never, ever call
an Asian person.

And finally...

Bono, if you wanna help
poor people,

sell your tinted shades,
you cunt.

Thank you, this next piece...

This next piece is called
"sonnet 155"

or "if Shakespeare
had written a porn."

And it goes like this.

I saw the morning dew
betwixt thine thighs

as I removed my source
of grecian power.

As if king midas
dared to touch the skies,

upon thy body fell
a golden shower.

Thy body's temple's
two church bells had rung.

Upon thy chest,
a roll of pearls bestowed.

The sun had set,
thy set with weary hung.

I thought, how black a night,
and blew a load.

I said what light through yonder
beaver breaks?

It is the yeast.

And now my belly's yellow.

My pole gives cause
to storms and earthy quakes,

but 'tis not massive,
I am no othello.

And when that final moment
came to pass,

like Christ,
I came a-riding on an ass.

Thank you very much.

Thank you,
William Shakespeare...

William Shakespeare
was a verbal contortionist.

He can bend his words

the way a contortionist
bends his frame,

and I would hope that he could

with a name
like William Shakespeare.

William Shakespeare...
Some of you seem lost.

Look, say your name
was Robert frost,

and you couldn't write,
that would suck.

Well, I guess you could always
go as Bobby frost

and own an ice cream truck.

He was balanced like a simile
and could stack metaphor five,

six at a time and rhyme

into the very last line
of a soliloquy

which finally said outright
what the previous 77

we're only hinting at.

He had puns and quips
and tons of trips

with sons with ships,

with nuns with hips
and buns and lips,

but I have something
that Shakespeare never had.

Penicillin.

See, it hadn't been
invented yet.

Back then, they only had
quillicillin, hey-oh!

Sorry, it's not that hard, bard.

I'm sorry, I got a bone
to pick with you, William.

So if you could just
listen up here

and listen to this theater
queer's theater query here

and maybe act like a real artist
for once in your life.

Say Van gogh and,
"lend me your ear."

You're not a writer.

You're a writer like
hulk hogan's a street fighter.

You write these dramas,
you accumulate your wealth,

you hold nature
as t'were mirror of yourself.

Just 'cause you're messed up
doesn't mean we are, too.

Just 'cause you wanna bang
your mom

doesn't mean
that Danish princes do.

What? Who? Hamlet, Shakespeare.
Yeah, that's right.

The young prince
whose father died

at the hands of his uncle
with whom his mother lied.

Sound familiar?
It's the fucking "lion king"!

You stole from a Disney movie,
you androgynous douche.

What's next,
the story of a French king

on a quest
to find his lost son Nemo?

Oh, and by the way, poetic
talent is really easy to fake

when thy sentences
doth no fucking sense make.

"To be or not to be?"
That is the question.

Whether 'tis nobler
in the mind to suffer

the slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune,

or to take arms against
a sea of troubles,

and by opposing end them,
to die...

To sleep no more,
and by a sleep,

to say we end the heartache
and the thousand natural shocks

that flesh is heir to.

'Tis a consummation devoutly
to be wish'd.

To die, to sleep,
to sleep, perchance to dream.

Aye, there's the rub,
for in that sleep of death,

what dreams may come

when we have shuffled off
this mortal coil?

Must give US pause.

Like, what?

This next song
is about quantum mechanics.

This next song...

I was raised very well,
you know, like a field of corn.

I was also raised
very Christian,

like the children of the corn.

And christians get angry at me,
they do,

because I say things like,

"why the long nose,
pope-nocchio?"

They think
I'll gonna go to hell.

Truth is,
I've been to Christian hell,

and I wrote a song about it.

♪ Hitler was there,
and so were all the Jews ♪

♪ yeah, so it got
a little awkward ♪

I was surrounded by catholicism
at a young age

and I was also in a garage band
for 20 minutes.

This is the product of that.
Hit it.

♪ All the seats
at the Sunday mass is ♪

♪ filled with the masses'
mass of asses ♪

♪ classes pass as fast
as molasses ♪

♪ ceremonial reading glasses ♪

♪ read a little bit
of leviticus ♪

♪ all the kids are a little
too little for this ♪

♪ all the parents nod
in agreement ♪

♪ "I think I can vaguely
see what he meant" ♪

♪ it's too early
in the morning glory ♪

♪ to read another
allegory story ♪

♪ the father
reads a little bit farther ♪

♪ assuring the assured
that they need not bother ♪

♪ when god, in verse 45 ♪

♪ said that slaves
are okay to buy ♪

♪ he meant that people
all from the start ♪

♪ each have slaves
within their hearts ♪

♪ things that we have sold
or bought ♪

♪ and then are forced to pick
our moral cotton ♪

♪ god calls US
to set these free ♪

♪ free our hearts
from slavery ♪

♪ and then as god goes on
to explain ♪

♪ the logistics of buying
and selling slaves ♪

He was messin' around.

He's... he...
Jesus is sort of like...

♪ In the back,
I sit and I nod ♪

♪ to the beats that
are bumpin' from my iPod ♪

♪ my god,
they're starting to pray ♪

♪ and over the music,
I can hear them say ♪

♪ dear god, dear lord ♪

♪ dear vague muscular man
with a beard or a sword ♪

♪ dear good all-seeing being ♪

♪ my way or the highway
yahweh ♪

♪ the blue-balled
anti-masturbator ♪

♪ the great all-loving
faggot hater ♪

♪ I like to thank
your holy might ♪

♪ for making me both rich
and white ♪

♪ and though this is your day
of rest ♪

♪ I come to you
with one request ♪

♪ there's so much pain
beyond this steeple ♪

♪ wars and drugs
and homeless people ♪

♪ sadness
where there should be joy ♪

♪ hate and rape
and soulja boy ♪

♪ a world in darkness
needs your light ♪

♪ so I'm sure your schedule's
pretty tight ♪

But my dog just had leg surgery.

If you could fix that first?

Jesus?

♪ Debra messing's fingers
in a holy place ♪

♪ hail Mary
full of grace ♪

♪ Obama, could you pass
some hope to the pope? ♪

♪ I know a couple dudes
who want to elope ♪

♪ see, the church said nope,
so the bros can't cope ♪

♪ bros can grope,
but the bros can't cope ♪

♪ they've been in love
and they've been addicted ♪

♪ who said they shouldn't?
Benedict did ♪

♪ 'cause in the holy land
of the lord ♪

♪ he's the holy landlord
and dicks are evicted ♪

♪ 'cause you can be a Benedict ♪

♪ if you bend a dick
under Benedict ♪

♪ but you can't
have benedicts ♪

♪ because there's only one pope
with only one dick, what? ♪

♪ Yeah,
a dick on a pope is ♪

♪ just like a soap on rope ♪

♪ 'cause it's pointless
unless in prison ♪

♪ throw up your bibles,
Christ has risen ♪

♪ hallelujah,
now it's raining men ♪

♪ because the gender ratio's
one-to-ten ♪

♪ winos at
the eucharist station ♪

♪ transgendered
substantiation ♪

♪ Jesus wasn't the Messiah,
get back ♪

♪ I'm a heretic,
and I'm on fire ♪

♪ it was oedipus,
those holy knights ♪

♪ the holy mother fuckin'
Christ ♪

♪ I'm a blasphemer post-Katrina
cruisin' the Marina ♪

♪ on a crusade to cruise aids
and blast fema ♪

♪ you're too late, we're fucked,
we don't need you, amen ♪

♪ in the name of the father,
son, and holy ghost ♪

♪ head, shoulders,
knees and toes ♪

♪ turn up your nose,
strike that pose ♪

♪ hey macarena ♪

I wanted to be a physicist
when I was younger,

and I also wanted to be
a comedian,

but only one of those
sort of worked out.

I'd like to try to do both,
though now

in a bit that I call
"theoretical dick jokes."

Goes like this.

My penis is so small
I often have trouble finding it

because it's so gratefully
influenced by

quantum mechanical fluctuations
in the fabric of space-time.

And when I'm having intercourse
with a woman,

she can only know where my penis
is or how fast it's moving

'cause it's small enough
and light enough to be fully

governed by the Heisenberg
uncertainty principle.

I've got an eating disorder.

Yeah, more like
nutritional entropy.

So...

Never said I was funny, okay?
So stop staring at me.

Segues are weird.

How old is too old
to stop believing in, like,

the tooth fairy, like, 12?

I have a cousin who is 18, yeah.

Still believes in gay marriage.

It's like...

I know what you guys
are thinking...

"oh, Bo, you tackle
such taboo subjects.

You know,
"is there anything off-limits,

"anything you don't find funny,

anything you think
is too sacred to laugh at?"

And the truth is, there is.

White people.

I think we've been
through enough.

I find numbers to be fascinating

and more specifically
than numbers, I find statistics

to be particularly enlightening,
thought-provoking even.

I've gathered some here.
These are all 100% true.

When you leave this theater and
enter the world devoid of art,

you can check these,
and they will come back

'cause they are true.

I don't want them
to blow your mind,

but maybe you'll hear
one of these and go,

"oh, my god,
never thought of that."

So these are my statistics.

Approximately 33.33%

of the Jonas brothers
have diabetes.

One out of every four kids
with the initials a.D.D.

Actually has it,
and four out of four kids

with the initials a.D.H.D.
Have an annoying,

self-righteous mother who
wouldn't just shut the fuck up

and take her husband's
last name.

Here's a fun one.

One of the every 44
u.S. Presidents can dunk.

It's Millard Fillmore,
you racists.

The average child of Sarah Palin
has 46.2 chromosomes.

It's a fact!

I'm not making light of it.
It's numbers.

All right, you guys are offended
by that one,

you're definitely gonna be
offended by the next one.

But you have to understand
something...

I am, too.

I think this is fucked up.

.27% of all jenga games
are played on 9/11.

Now...

It's fucked up!
Stop playing jenga on 9/11.

Stop it. Stop it.

Stop playing jenga...

That was awkward.

This next one blew my mind.
Blew my mind.

And you're not gonna
believe this when you hear it.

But go home, check it.
I swear to god it's true.

The average person...

Has one fallopian tube.

The average penis length
is 5 1/2 inches.

And finally, the average
penis length of a man

who googles "average
penis length" is 3 1/2 inches.

Thank you.

Yeah, Bo!

Yeah, Bo!

Yeah.

Thank you.

I went to the movies the other
day because I went to see

the 20th anniversary
of "schindler's list" in 3-d.

And I went into the girls'
bathroom to look for my camera.

And I saw a container that
said "sanitary napkins only."

Ladies...

Don't put all your eggs
in one basket!

That's a joke!

This song...

This song isn't funny at all,
but it helps me sleep at night.

♪ Art is dead ♪

♪ art is dead ♪

♪ art is dead ♪

♪ art is dead ♪

♪ entertainers
like to seem complicated ♪

♪ but we're not complicated ♪

♪ I can explain it
pretty easily ♪

♪ have you ever been to
a birthday party for children ♪

♪ and one of the children
won't stop screaming ♪

♪ 'cause he's just a little
attention-attractor ♪

♪ when he grows up
to be a comic or actor ♪

♪ he'll be rewarded
for never maturing ♪

♪ for never understanding
or learning ♪

♪ that every day
can't be about him ♪

♪ there's other people,
you selfish asshole ♪

♪ I must be psychotic,
I must be demented ♪

♪ to think that I'm worthy
of all this attention ♪

♪ of all of this money
you worked really hard for ♪

♪ I slept in late while
you worked at the drugstore ♪

♪ my drug's attention,
I am an addict ♪

♪ but I get paid
to indulge in my habit ♪

♪ it's all an illusion,
I'm wearing make-up ♪

♪ I'm wearing make-up,
make-up, make-up, make-up ♪

♪ art is dead ♪

♪ so people
think you're funny ♪

♪ how do we get
those people's money? ♪

♪ I said art is dead ♪

♪ we're rolling in dough while
carlin rolls in his grave ♪

♪ his grave ♪

♪ his grave ♪

♪ I said the show has got
a budget ♪

♪ the show has got a budget ♪

♪ and all the poor people
way more deserving ♪

♪ of the money
won't budge it ♪

♪ 'cause I wanted
my name in lights ♪

♪ when I could have fed
a family of four ♪

♪ for 40 fucking fortnights ♪

♪ 40 fucking fortnights ♪

♪ I am an artist,
please, god, forgive me ♪

♪ I am an artist,
please, don't revere me ♪

♪ I am an artist,
please, don't respect me ♪

♪ I am an artist,
feel free to correct me ♪

♪ a self-centered artist,
self-obsessed artist ♪

♪ I am an artist,
I am an artist ♪

♪ but I'm just a kid,
I'm just a kid ♪

♪ I'm just a kid, kid,
and maybe I'll grow out of it ♪

Old comics...
Older comics from, like,

the '80s and the '70s,
they think that my act is hacky

because it relies
on music and other things,

and they're such comedy purists,

and they don't think my comedy
can stand on its own,

which isn't true because, right,

I am a comedy purist at heart,

and I can do comedy
without the gimmicks.

And it can still be good.
I'll show you that right now.

What do you call a kid
with no arms and an eye patch?

Names.

I'm not a traditional stand-up,
um, but I'd like to be.

I love traditional
stand-up comedy,

and a lot of my heroes
are traditional stand-up comics,

and I've been watching
a lot of it,

and I think I've sort of
figured out the trick to it.

So I'll give you my traditional
stand-up act now.

It's in its infancy
so please be gentle.

Uh...

My wife, right?

We never have sex, like, ever,
which is funny.

Something else is I never know
what she's saying.

You know, she'll say something,
and I'll be, like...

Something else is, she's, like,
constantly emasculating me,

and I'm making her resent
herself for getting older,

so we're looking into a divorce,
which is funny.

Something else
is she can't drive.

The only thing she can drive
is drive me crazy!

You know, when she back-talks,
I hit her.

I hope you all enjoyed the show.

Thank you so much for coming,
and if you didn't, you know...

When life gets you down...

Make a comforter.

I feel like hip-hop...

Used to be a voice
for the voiceless, you know?

And now it's become,
at least in the mainstream,

a symbol of misogyny...

Gay panic...

Fiscal irresponsibility,
you know?

So I figure...

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

♪ Hittin' the club up
v.I.P. ♪

♪ I've got a fake mustache
and a fake I.D. ♪

♪ I look like wooly Willy
with a really wooly Willy ♪

♪ and I bypass the bouncer ♪

♪ pass by an ex, and I flex
and bounce her, wowser ♪

♪ look at all of Bo's hoes ♪

♪ looking for a ride
on Bo's hose ♪

♪ and I spot a little latino ♪

♪ Booty so big,
call it Oprah's ego ♪

♪ we go do it through it ♪

♪ she says,
"dios mio, mi amigo" ♪

♪ when we were done, she said,
"heh, imma aya" ♪

♪ swallow, bitch, there's people
starvin' in Africa ♪

♪ Single every single day ♪

♪ do it every single way ♪

♪ make the single ladies say ♪

♪ oh, Bo ♪

♪ and if I were gay,
though I swear I'm straight ♪

♪ I'd make the fellas say ♪

♪ oh, Bo ♪

♪ I said, oh, Bo ♪

♪ oh, Bo ♪

♪ you're an ice cream sundae
with a cherry on top ♪

♪ but careful, cherry,
'cause I'm the king of pop ♪

♪ pop,
pop goes the weasel ♪

♪ have you lookin' like
Jackson pollack's easel ♪

♪ yeah, my suggestion is ♪

♪ you don't blow till you know
what congestion is ♪

♪ swallow when you know
what digestion is ♪

♪ follow Bo,
the only question is ♪

♪ have you been splattered
before ♪

♪ by the mad hatter matador ♪

♪ cake batter nevermore ♪

♪ it don't matter
whether you're ♪

♪ Spanish, French, Swedish,
or Cambodian ♪

♪ I'll slime you so hard
you could be on nickelodeon ♪

♪ single every single day ♪

♪ do it every single way ♪

♪ make the single ladies say ♪

♪ oh, Bo ♪

♪ and if I were gay ♪

♪ though I swear I'm straight ♪

♪ I'd make the fellas say ♪

♪ Oh, Bo,
I said, oh, Bo ♪

♪ I said, oh, Bo ♪

♪ you think
that you can handle me ♪

♪ girl,
don't make me laugh ♪

♪ my junk is bipolar,
it'll split you in half ♪

♪ I said,
and if you're lucky ♪

♪ I might just bring you home,
and I'll have you going down ♪

♪ like you're growing
an extra chromosome ♪

♪ and when you love me,
don't grab me by my buns ♪

♪ 'cause I got a bad case
of the ru-u-ns ♪

♪ I got the runs ♪

♪ I got the ru-uh-uh-
oh, oh ♪

♪ single every single day ♪

♪ do it every single way ♪

♪ make the single ladies say ♪

♪ oh, Bo ♪

♪ and if I were,
oh, so that I were ♪

♪ yeah, and if I were ♪

Like to break it down for y'all.

I came from the streets
with nothing.

Now I'm making hit records.

For my people still living
in the streets,

still living in poverty,

I wanna tell you,
I'm doing this for you.

My success...

Is your success.

And you may be thinking, "hey,
if you really believe that,

"why don't you use
some of your money

"to help
rebuild the neighborhood

instead of putting spinning rims
on a gold jetski?"

And to that I say...

Uh-oh, chorus is coming up.

♪ Single every single day ♪

♪ do it every single way ♪

♪ make those single ladies say ♪

♪ oh, Bo ♪

♪ and if I were,
oh, so that I were ♪

♪ yeah, and if I were ♪

♪ you got a fume like a tuna ♪

♪ I'll smell you later ♪

♪ I met a fat chick and I
fucked her in an elevator ♪

♪ it was wrong
on so many levels ♪

♪ 'cause I said it was wrong
on so many levels ♪

♪ I said it was wrong on ♪

Oh...

Okay.

♪ I don't know
if all boy scouts are gay ♪

♪ they could probably
tie the knot ♪

♪ in like fifty different... ♪
I'm dying inside!

♪ I got a safe full of cherries
'cause I pop it and lock it ♪

♪ a girl's like a fridge, once
a week you should stalk it ♪

♪ if your into rimmin, it's only
safe if your swimmin' ♪

♪ girl,
don't sit on that couch ♪

♪ 'cause I treat my objects
like women ♪

♪ I spit fire
like I just blew a demon ♪

♪ my shit's so hot I'll leave
your toilet bowl steamin' ♪

♪ I'm gonna tear it
like the cards of the gypsies ♪

♪ you'll bleed for so long
you'll get monthly ellipses ♪

♪ if your pants are loose,
I'll replete ya ♪

♪ you're a first time vegan,
and it's nice to meet ya ♪

♪ I'm Bo, yo,
I'm the greatest rappa Eva ♪

♪ and I'll weather your weather
whether you think I'm clever ♪

♪ or not, think you're better,
you're not ♪

♪ don't need a sweater,
I'm hot ♪

♪ I'm a real g that can really
find your g spot ♪

♪ oh, yeah,
you're not a fucking metronome ♪

Yeah.

♪ Go to a vagina orchard,
count 1, 2, 3 ♪

♪ spin that plant around,
you got a third world country ♪

♪ no, that's right,
consider yourself warned ♪

♪ I'm offensive and creative
like handicapped porn ♪

♪ you're playing
with your breasts ♪

♪ excuse me,
can I try it ma'am? ♪

♪ Your pushin' 'em together
like a titty venn diagram ♪

♪ look at that crack,
excuse me can I buy a gram? ♪

♪ Right below your diaphragm,
ass looks like your hidin' ham ♪

♪ first base,
were making out ♪

♪ mother fucker, second base,
I'm getting faked out, yo ♪

♪ third base,
I'm getting take-out ♪

♪ and I try to take it home
if I knew I'd take it out ♪

♪ but I just don't know
I said I just don't care ♪

♪ my flow's so cold I need
a tampon from a polar bear ♪

♪ and you can spell
and smell my stink ♪

♪ 'cause b.O. Lingers
and it makes you think ♪

♪ I'm Bo, yo,
I'm the greatest rappa Eva ♪

♪ and I'll weather your weather
whether you think I'm clever ♪

♪ or not, think you're better,
you're not ♪

♪ don't need a sweater,
I'm hot ♪

I'm bad at sex.
Get it?

Yeah, what?

♪ 'Cause girls are like donuts
when I be bustin' Bo nuts ♪

♪ I can make 'em cream-filled
or give them a layer of glaze ♪

♪ I'm like Doug's friend Skeeter
whenever I meet her ♪

♪ 'cause I skeet her so hard ♪

♪ people call her Patty
mayonnaise ♪

Yeah, that's sad.

♪ Yeah, what, uh ♪

♪ yeah, 'cause there's
an inverse relationship ♪

♪ between respect and sects ♪

♪ I'm talking about religious
sects like a mormon sect ♪

♪ that says you can't have sex ♪

♪ with members
of different sects ♪

♪ but you can't have sex
with members of the same sex ♪

♪ the sects can't be different,
sex can't be same ♪

♪ the only sex left
is some left-hand shame ♪

♪ girl, I left you
'cause you left the game ♪

♪ and if that don't feel right
then you can write my name ♪

♪ 'cause I'm Bo, yo,
I'm the greatest rappa Eva ♪

♪ and I'll weather your weather
whether you think I'm clever ♪

♪ or not, think you're better,
you're not ♪

♪ don't need a sweater,
I'm hot ♪

♪ oh, gee ♪

♪ My junks so long
that it hangs and swings ♪

♪ at the nude beach people think
I'm lookin' for lost rings ♪

♪ play the skin flute,
your big boy sings ♪

If you want to take it all
wear African neck rings.

'Cause, like, man.

♪ Haters call me gay,
but that ain't hatin' ♪

♪ 'cause I'm not homophobic,
my morals are straight ♪

♪ and if I'm in the closet
then you are below me ♪

♪ takin' the b-a-t
out of "basement," homey ♪

Spells "semen."

♪ 'Cause I'm Bo, yo, and
I'm the greatest rappa Eva ♪

♪ and I'll weather your weather
whether you think I'm clever ♪

♪ or not, think you're better,
you're not ♪

♪ don't need a sweater,
I'm hot ♪

This song's gonna end
really awkwardly.

Thank you.
I'll do one...

Thank you guys
so much for coming.

I hope you have a great night,
and you're the best.

See you, Boston!
Whoa, Boston!

Red Sox.

Go, mo Vaughn.

♪ I love you
like kings love queens ♪

♪ like a gay geneticist
loves designer genes ♪

♪ I need you like New Orleans
needs a drought ♪

♪ like Hitler's father
needed to learn to pull out ♪

♪ and I want you, yeah ♪

♪ like a lawyer/mathematician
wants some kind of proof ♪

♪ and I want you, yeah ♪

♪ like jfk wanted ♪

♪ a car with a roof ♪

Is he here?

♪ Because love
is taking a dive ♪

♪ then getting
really comfortable ♪

♪ and peeing in the pool ♪

♪ and love is
a real-life porn ♪

♪ minus all the stuff
that makes porn cool ♪

♪ and love is a homeless guy ♪

♪ searching for treasure
in the middle of the rain ♪

♪ and finding
a bag of gold coins ♪

♪ and slowly finding out they're
all filled with chocolate ♪

♪ and even though
he's heartbroken ♪

♪ he can't complain 'cause he
was hungry in the first place ♪

♪ I love you
like dora loves maps ♪

♪ like the pope's toilet loves
holy craps ♪

♪ I need you
like a voyeur needs a branch ♪

♪ like boys tossing salad ♪

♪ needs a little bit
of neverland ranch ♪

I wrote it before!
I'm fine.

♪ And I want you, yeah ♪

♪ like all the gothic kids
that look exactly the same ♪

♪ never want to conform,
what? ♪

♪ And I want you
like Anne frank wanted ♪

Nobody to read
her fucking diary.

♪ 'Cause a diary's a collection
of secret things ♪

♪ no one's supposed to read ♪

♪ that's the whole point
of a diary ♪

♪ millions of people
have breached ♪

♪ this little girl's privacy
after she was chased by Nazis ♪

♪ kick her while she's down ♪

♪ and if we met
in 10,000 bc ♪

♪ I was your caveman,
you was my cavelady ♪

♪ if we got hot,
we'd start a-rubbing ♪

♪ if we got hungry,
we'd go clubbing ♪

♪ there's woolly mammoths,
but I will protect US ♪

♪ you're making me devolve
to a homo erectus ♪

Yeah, hominid tree.

♪ And if we met in 1780 ♪

♪ I was a white southern
aristocratic plantation owner ♪

♪ and you were my dark-skinned
servant lady slave ♪

♪ whenever I could get away
from the missus ♪

♪ I'd go to your shed,
and then I'd steal you kisses ♪

♪ but let's be serious ♪

♪ I'd still work you
full-time as a slave ♪

♪ there's a difference
between romantic language ♪

♪ and complete disregard
for socio-economic trends ♪

♪ so if we met in 1941 ♪

♪ I was a Nazi,
you's a gypsy on the run ♪

♪ that's a little redundant ♪

♪ that ♪

♪ probably wouldn't
have worked out, okay ♪

♪ yeah, because love
is your favorite food ♪

♪ for every breakfast,
lunch, and dinner ♪

♪ and love is the holocaust
if you don't die quick ♪

♪ and you don't get thinner ♪

♪ and love is being
the owner of the company ♪

♪ that makes rape whistles,
and even though ♪

♪ you started the company
with good intentions ♪

♪ trying to reduce the rate
of rape ♪

♪ now you don't want
to reduce it at all ♪

♪ 'cause if the rape rate
declines, ♪

♪ you'll see an equal decline
in whistle sales ♪

♪ yeah, without a rapist
who's gonna buy your whistle? ♪

♪ Because love is ♪

♪ love is all about whistles ♪

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