Blues for the Avatar (1996) - full transcript

[upbeat music]

- My sister and I
have never been close,

and that's gone on
for a long time.

I think it started,
or what I remember,

when it started was
when I was about 10.

It was summertime, it was
very hot, humid in New Jersey,

and my sister was four
years older than me.

She was 14, she had
a new boyfriend or
something like that,

and she was suddenly
screaming at my father.

I was downstairs near the
front door of the house

and she was saying,
"I hate it here.



"I hate this house.

"I hate you, I hate
you mom and dad.

" I hate you, wanna
get outta here."

And she just ran up the stairs

and then my father was down
at the base of the stairs

and he yelled at her
to come back down here.

So she came down and
I was behind my father

so I saw her eyes as if they
were coming right at me,

and they were just
like inflamed.

I thought they were gonna pop
out of her head or something.

And she started to
fight my father.

I couldn't believe it.

I'd never seen this before,

very little physical
violence in my family.



But she went at his face with
her fingernails like clawing

and my father like grabbed her

and they were suddenly
like wrestling.

I was terrorized.

And he was on the ground
and was like spanking her

or something, and
he had this kind of

sick smile on his face.

It's really not even
something I like to remember

much less talk about.

And she then like escaped out
the door of the front house,

she ran out and he ran
after her which was wild

because we never did
that kind of stuff.

We were like a good
Presbyterian family in a suburb,

and nobody has
problems in suburbs,

and our problem was now
going out the house.

And he dragged her back in,
physically dragged her back in,

and then when she went
screaming up the stairs

and locked herself in her room.

And I started to cry,

and my dad, he had
that smile on again

and he said, "What
are you crying about?"

And I felt really
ashamed [sighs]

and so I stopped crying

which was kind of like the
beginning of sort of faking

you know, life,
and we got in a car

like we were scheduled
to do, me and my dad,

and we went grocery shopping.

And when I got out of
the car, it was like

the first time I felt
like you kinda have

to walk around with a veneer.

- Well, Dennis called
collect again today.

I bet those phone bills are
gonna be expensive this month.

And I'm getting a little, I
don't know, agitated about it,

maybe just a little bit all
the collect phone calls.

She's kinda making a
mess downstairs too.

I'm having a hard
time keeping up.

Having a hard time kinda
trying walk around her clothes

and get around her
stuff and an awful lot

of Coke cans laying around.

If she could just clean
up her own Coke cans,

that would be fine.

Of course that doesn't bug
me as much as those ashtrays.

Well, maybe you can help me
clean up a little bit today

'cause I've got an awful
lot of laundry to do,

and I know I'm
gonna have to work.

I know you have to work too,
but I can't stand living

in this mess, it's
driving me crazy.

[exercise equipment creaking]

- You know, show her where
the Coke cans go or something.

You know, it's not tough.

She just kinda got dropped
into this situation too

and maybe she's not used
to having kids around.

I don't know I think it's
just bugging you more

than it really should.

It's not that bad.

[sighs]

[banging]

What the hell, what the hell.

What's wrong with this thing?

Hey, Mary.

- Oh, good morning.

- TV, something
wrong with the TV?

What's going on?

Is the remote not
working or something?

Whoever watched that last night.

What the heck's wrong with it?

- I think it's just been fine.

- Well, it's not going on.

Something's wrong with it.

Come on, come on.

I wanna watch some TV.

Oh, man, what's
going on with it?

I mean it was
working last night.

Is there anything wrong with it?

- [Mary] Oh, I unplugged it.

- Unplugged it?

Why did we unplug the TV?

- Well, I thought it
was best to unplug it.

- Why, why unplug the TV?

- Well, I read this
report recently

that they've been discovering
a high rate of cancer

in people who are exposed
to electrical appliances,

and I just thought it would
be best if it was unplugged.

- Oh. [sighs]

- So, I got tattoos.

I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking,
"Oh, is he dirty?

"Is he a criminal?

"A gangster, a biker, a punker?"

I'll tell you what I am.

I'm free.

I am a free human being.

This is my body, these are my
tattoos, and I am free to do

what I want with myself.

You know it's this
freedom thing.

It's this ability to take
life and do what you want

that makes me kinda transcend
above all you sitting there

thinking that if you get
this tattoo, what's your mom

gonna think, what's
my daddy gonna think,

what's my boyfriend or
girlfriend gonna think?

You know I can remember back
when I was a small child,

and maybe you all can
remember back when you were

small children, and
you reached into that

box of Cracker Jacks.

I ask you, "What was the
best prize you could get

"in a Cracker Jack box?"

It was the tattoos, of course.

Why, why when you were a
child, was the best thing

you can get those tattoos?

What happened when
you got older?

What happened to that
dream of getting a tattoo?

Where did it go?

For me I am reliving that dream,

and I will probably continue
to relive that dream.

That childhood, that child
inside of me, that freedom,

that ability to do what I
want will always remain in me.

And when I fill that goal,

I will probably
do something else.

Now I'm not saying to just
go out there and get yourself

a tattoo and you're gonna
be free because see there's

a lot of ways to do this
and you have to do it right.

You know it's not about
getting drunk and going

to the nearest tattoo
parlor and getting a tattoo

that you're gonna hate
because it's the only thing

you're gonna have forever.

You are permanently
married to this tattoo.

You're not taking this off.

You're not divorcing it.

It's with you forever.

You need to find
yourself a good artist.

You need to track him down.

You need to save your
money, and you need to do it

and not worry about
how much it costs

because a good tattoo
can have no price.

It is art, it is
you, it is your body.

And make sure, more
importantly, that you're gonna

like the tattoo [laughs],
that you're gonna become older

and you're gonna look
at that tattoo and go,

"You know I still
enjoy that tattoo."

Get something with a meaning.

For instance, a lot
of people might think,

"Gee Eric, what did your
mom say about that tattoo?"

And you know what I told her?

I said, "Mom, you
see this tattoo here?

"This is a tribal piece.

"You know what this
tattoo means to me, mom?

"You know what this
tattoo symbolizes?

"This tattoo is about a native
American Indian fisherman

"out in the water, who
found out from the gods

"that his family was in
trouble, his mom, his family,

"his wife was in danger.

"And you know what he did?

"He summoned up the gods,
he called on the great

"orca killer whale to take
him home to save his family."

[scraping]

- [Man] Jane.

- [Jane] Hey.

- [Man] Hey.
- [Jane] So.

- [Man] I was wondering
where you were.

- I've been thinking
about it and decided--

- [Man] Thinking about what?

- About us, and I have decided
that it's not working--

- It's not working?

- No, it's not working for
me, and I think I want--

- What do you mean?

- I mean it isn't working for
me and I want you to move out

as soon as possible.

- How can you say that?

- After the other night,
how could you say that?

- We're getting along great.

- Oh, yeah.

- I can't believe it.

- Yeah, we're getting along
great because this is my place,

I give you a job, I
pay for everything.

- Wait a minute, because
you have been telling me

you haven't been able to talk
to a man like you've been able

to talk to me--

- Up to a point.

- Like you haven't felt the
closeness that you've been able

to feel that we've had.

That's been there
from the beginning.

What are you talking about
that it's not working out?

- Right, exactly,
in the beginning.

- In the beginning,
yeah, and now and always.

- What about issues of
responsibility and you taking

responsibility when I try
to talk to you about that.

- I am taking responsibility,
I just put up this barn.

Look at this barn, you've
got the barn you use.

- I paid for all the materials.

I provide you with everything.

- I've worked my labor
here, that's worth something

- Yeah, you did, and
I appreciate that.

- Yeah, and how about
all these special times

that we've been having together?

How about all these walks
that we've been taking?

- Yeah, what about them lately?

What about lately?

- Lately we've been doing that.

- Oh.

- What?

I can't believe it,
something's going on with you.

- The minute something comes
up about responsibility,

you're not there,
you're just not there.

- I am there.

- You wiggle out of it.

- I've taken care of your
daughter when you're not here.

- She's 14 years old.

- Yeah, and she trusts me.

- Well maybe I
don't, maybe I don't.

- For what?

- Because you've been
taking advantage of me.

- That's so weird.

Where's this coming from?

And I think I know.

- Oh, yeah, so what
do you think you know?

Since you're not
listening to me explain

why I wanna do this, what
do you think you know?

- Well, I think there's
something else going on for you.

- Like what, like my life?

- That's what I'd like to know.

- My life is going on and
you're turning it upside down.

I'm tired of taking care of you.

I feel like you're
being opportunist--

- You're not taking care of me.

This is a joint venture here.

- Oh right, I had
everything when you moved in

eight months ago,
it's no joint venture.

You just kinda wiggled
into my life and yeah,

you pitch in here,
you pitch in there,

but when it comes to really
making plans together

who has to pull it all off?

Who has to take action, who has
the money, who has the land?

- What do you mean?

I'm sharing on this too.

- You're like someone I
could pay someone $7 an hour

for the same thing and as far
as our personal connection,

it's just gone to shit.

There's nothing there
anymore and you know it,

and I think there's
something going on with you.

- You can't say that, you can't
say there's nothing there.

- Yeah, I can say
whatever I need to say.

- No, well, I
can't hear it then.

I can't believe it
then, that you can say

that there's nothing between us.

How can you say that, Jane?

- There's a lot between us,

and it doesn't
feel right anymore.

- You know there's a lot,
look at me, you know that.

- Well, it doesn't feel right.

- How can you say that?

That's the thing I
don't understand.

- Because, every day I
think when is this guy

gonna like find some
direction, but he doesn't.

He hangs out in my barn
and hammers a few nails.

- I have a direction.

- Yeah, what is it
besides living off me?

Anyway, I'm done with it
and I have a right to--

- I like being with you, Jane.

I mean that feels like
a direction to me.

- No, it's not enough
to get your direction

from a relationship.

- Can that be enough
for me, that's okay.

- Well, it's not enough for me.

I need to be with someone
who's got his own life

and who can stand by me
and we do things together

because he's an
individual with his own--

- I'm standing by you.

I'm standing by you, I'm
standing by your daughter.

I'm filling this place.

- But every time I don't
totally stroke your ego

for every little thing you
do for me, you freak out,

you get mad, I'm sick of it.

You should have your own trip
that I'm not responsible for.

I'm tired of being responsible
for whether you feel good

or feel bad, whether
you're happy or sad

whether you have work
to do or nothing.

I can't handle it,
my life was together.

- Well, you don't have to
be responsible for that.

You don't have to be
responsible for that.

- Oh, yeah, and you give
me this big reaction

every time I ask for
something a little different

or when I have a need
that's different from

what you think of on
your own, you freak out.

- No, I'm very flexible,
I am very flexible.

- I think you're
deluding yourself.

- I think you're wrong.

- Look, I know exactly
what I'm saying.

I've thought about it a lot.

It's over, because you've
been working on the barn,

you've done a good
job and everything,

I'm gonna give you two
weeks in the gypsy wagon,

but I want you to stay out of
my house and leave me alone.

No more coming in at
night, no more bugging me.

Just leave me alone.

[slamming shovel]

Watch it.

- Just a second, just a second.

Let me just say that's fine,

that's fine, that's
fine, alright?

The gypsy wagon is fine.

- [Jane] Yeah, two
weeks you can handle it.

You're a big guy, grow up.

- Don't give me that
bullshit, alright.

- [Jane] It's not bullshit.

- I'll stay for two
weeks, thank you.

- [Jane] You're welcome.

[slams shovel]

[birds chirping]

- I was about four or
five living in the country

with my parents, and an
event happened that totally

shook my world apart.

I saw my father hit my
mother and knock her down

and we left him
within five minutes.

He was on his knees crying,

and we left and we in to
stay with my grandmother.

I remember that day
as if it were today.

I'll never forget it,
and I hated him for that.

I hated him for making
us leave our house

and for hurting my mother
and just what it felt like

to watch him do that.

He eventually asked my
mother to bring us back,

the family, I had a sister,
and we all went back home

and he went up to Alaska
to do some fishing,

and while he was up in Alaska,

he didn't send any money home.

He was gone for a
number of months,

and my mother was not
working, and it was in a time

when women really
weren't working much.

So she used to take us around
from neighbor to neighbor

at suppertime hoping they
would invite us in for dinner

because we didn't have any food.

These events had a very
strong impact on my life.

I grew to despise
men for a long time

and especially my father

and what kind of trouble they
caused women and children.

I was also growing
up as a Catholic

and that whole environment was
a male-dominated environment

and I just felt like
god really blew it

when I was born a girl
because the men and boys

they had the world by
the tail, I thought.

I really wanted to be a boy.

I wouldn't have to fear men

and I would be able
to be an altar boy,

I would be able to do
so many of the things

I couldn't do as a girl.

I grew up and dealt with
this through many years

of therapy of many
of these things

and really it took
me a long time.

I'm in my late 30s now until
I started coming to grips

with my father and who he
was and why he did this.

I swore that I would never
put myself in that type

of situation that my mother
was in and I never have.

I have worked hard since
I was in high school.

I am actually now retired.

I have never had an intimate
relationship with a man.

My partner today is a woman,

and that's the kind of life
I have led and chosen to lead

probably because of some of
those experiences as a child,

and watching what my father did.

I've never confronted him
about this as an adult,

but I like him a little more
now and I'm not really sure why

except he seemed
to mellow somewhat.

He actually had a heart
attack a couple years ago

and almost died and it seemed
to change him a little bit

into being more of a
compassionate, kind human being.

And I would like to talk to him
and say some of these things

to him and how he
affected me as a child

and how that has
affected me today,

but I probably never will.

I just can't imagine
how different my
life would have been

if he had been a little
more compassionate

and not so aggressive and
not so mean and scary.

I will never forget one
time driving the hay truck

and backing up and
he was yelling at me,

and my sister was in
the passenger seat,

and I just couldn't
deal with it anymore.

The truck was still in gear,
it was still rolling away.

I opened the door, got out
of the truck, started walking

across the field as it was
driving by itself with a load

of hay across the field,
and he was screaming at me,

and I don't even remember why.

[knocking]

- [Man] Sylvia?

- [Voiceover] Come
in, hi, come in.

- [Man] Hi.

- [Voiceover] How are you?
- [Man] Okay.

- Good to see you.

How have you been?

- [Man] Well, okay, I guess,

but always interested
in knowing more.

- Okay, well I've
been picking up

that you're about ready to hear

some past life work.

- [Man] Really?

- Why you came here,

what you came to do,
what it's all about.

So let's get with it.

Okay, you wanna start right in?

- [Man] Lay it on me.

- Okay, give me a
minute and just relax.

- Yeah, me too, relax.

- You just relax.

You don't have to do any work.

- [Man] Okay.

- Umm.

In the journey of the soul,

each lifetime is
a medicine path,

and each soul cycle

is a medicine completion.

You are in the seven part

of a complete cycle.

A complete cycle is a nine.

Imagine this as nine
years is a complete cycle,

a soul's time that could
be 9,000 lifetimes,

so just imagine nine years
is a complete soul cycle.

You are in year seven.

Now seven year is a
time of culmination,

a time of bringing in to

understanding

because essentially
what we're doing here

is raising it all,
taking all the pain,

all the confusion,
raising it to wisdom.

What this cycle, this
particular cycle has been about

is to experience
the powerlessness,

the whole human condition,
and what powerless means.

- Do you have any waxed paper?

- What?

- Any waxed paper?

I'd just like a piece
of waxed paper, please.

- [Woman Long Hair] Sure.

- Thanks.

[paper rustling]

I think your baby is an avatar.

- [Woman Long Hair] A what?

- [Man] Amatar?

- An avatar.

- [Man] An avatar.

- Well, an avatar is a blessed
being that has been sent

from heaven to lead us
into spiritual wellbeing,

one of those blessed
beings that's sent to us

from the heavens to help us
with spiritual enlightenment.

I do, I do think
that she's an avatar.

- And how you gonna
tell she's an avatar?

- Well, that's what's
amazing is I've come up

with this way to test
that I'm sure she is,

and that's why I asked
for the waxed paper,

because if she is, I'm
convinced that she'll glow

from behind this waxed paper.

- [Man] Mm-hmm.

- Yes, let's try it.

- Okay.
- Baby.

[paper rustling]

- Here, you hold that end

and then let's put it
right in front of her.

- [Woman Long Hair]
Do you see anything?

- I think kind of,
kind of there's,

yes, I see it up there.

You can see right by her head.

- [Woman Long Hair] Oh,
I definitely see it.

I definitely see it, don't you?

- [Man] Yeah, she's an avatar.

- [Woman Long Hair] Yes,
she is, you're an avatar.

[spiritual drum music]

[birds chirping]

- These are a little small.

This weather we've been
having, I took it early.

It's not a good harvest.

- Yeah, it was better last year.

- Yeah, we'll be okay.

A lot of braids have
really good stems on them.

So I wanna let you know that

I decided to split
up with Cheyenne.

- You mean do it?

- Yeah.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, yeah, it
was my decision.

It just wasn't working
very well for me.

How do you feel about that?

- Well if you feel that it
was the right thing to do,

then I think it will be fine.

- He's been around for a while.

- Yeah, I like him a lot but,

I grew pretty
close to him but...

- You could probably tell I
was getting kind of obsessed

with the situation.

- Yeah, I could
sense something there

that wasn't really right.

- Well, I made him a deal
that, just to be fair,

'cause he's worked
on the barn so much,

that he could stay in the gypsy
wagon for a couple of weeks,

but that I wanted him
to not come in the house

so when I'm not around,
I just wanna be sure he

doesn't try to get in
through you and so you don't

feel put on the spot,
just let him handle it.

- Okay.

- We'll be okay.

We'll get someone else
to finish the barn and

now we'll just go on
like we've been doing

for so many years anyway, right?

- Yeah.

- So I'd been dating this
woman for about 2 1/2 years

in college, and the first
six months were fabulous

and everything else was
just sort of downhill.

It had become one
of those on-again
off-again relationships.

This was like right
at the very end.

This was actually turned
out to be our last date.

We'd gone out to this
Chinese restaurant

'cause it was her
favorite thing to do,

and I'd actually dressed up
that night, which I never do.

I had to put on
this nice sweater

my mom had just bought for me.

And so we go to the
restaurant and, of course,

we start to fight again.

And it was just like the
whole night just started bad

from the beginning.

So we just left and she
hadn't eaten anything.

She had brought her food
with her in the styrofoam bag

and we just get back into my car

and we're heading home,
we're still fighting.

At one point, she even
made me pull over the car,

she got out, she left.

I had to follow her
for a couple blocks,

get her back in the car so I
could at least take her home.

And we pulled back
into her driveway.

We were still fighting,
and at this point

she gets out of the car and
just heads right into the house.

So now I know what I'm
supposed to do is to follow

her into the house
to finish the fight,

because we had had
fight about that before,

how we were supposed
to fight, right.

I'm supposed to stick to
her until the fight's over.

And so I'm thinking what can
I do to really piss her off?

So I just rolled down
my window and I go,

"So am I supposed to
follow you in now or what?"

So she's like 20 feet away.

She turns around and
just gives me this gleam,

kind of like...

I knew I was in trouble.

She starts walking at
me, food like this.

I go for my
windshield, my window,

and I miss it, right.

And I grab it again and I'm
racing to get this thing up

and she just takes the
food and bash, all over me,

all over the inside of my car.

I never got my car
cleaned after that.

And so I start the car,
I start backing up,

and she grabs my sweater,
she's yanking at my sweater.

She's just tearing at it.

And she goes, "Kyle, would
you like to come in?"

And she's just pulling me and
pulling me and pulling me.

And so I backed up
into the street.

She's still holding on.

I'd backed up about 20 feet,
and there's this huge hill

that I'm gonna go powering up.

I had this Chevy Mailbu,
a V8, a power car, right,

and so I thought it
would be polite to say

I'm pulling away now
or something so I
say, "I'm leaving."

I step on the gas, just
go ripping up this hill,

and she did let go.

I was ready to drag
her at that point.

I was pretty shaken up.

I go home and my mom and my
sister, they're having coffee

at the table, and I tell
them the whole story.

And they just say to me, "You
don't know how lucky you are

"you don't have scars
on your face right now."

This woman and I we didn't
talk really for about

six months after that.

Finally I saw her at her
wedding, and she could actually

talk to me again, but

that was my worst breakup.

[cards swooshing]

[clicking]

- It looks like your major
theme this week is around trust

and having to trust
situations in which

you have to open your heart,

and feel protected in
doing that but it seems

as if you have some
emotional issues around this.

So this is the card of trust.

And in life, as you can see,
it has a fluid motion to it.

It's not something that's
rock solid or stable

and we have to go with the flow

in life and in relationships.

We can't always have
everything the way we want.

It looks as if there's a
woman who is a earth sign,

a virgo, taurus, or a
capricorn, who is someone

that you are mistrustful of,

and it's looking as if you
need to realign yourself

with this and understand
what your relationship

with this person is all about.

- In 1954, I was
in the ninth grade.

There wasn't anybody smarter
than I was or any of us,

and we got a new PE teacher.

He was a Korean War veteran,
Marine Corps drill instructor

who decided, I think, to
take an easier job teaching.

His name was Jack Crouse
and he scared the wits

out of us, all of us.

He'd walk into a room and
people would be quiet.

You would quit goofing off,

and we all had the same PE
teacher, so we had to get Crouse

and it was, I mean scary stuff.

One look from him and you'd
stop whatever you're doing.

And we knew that he'd been
in the war and was yelling

like Jack Webb did
in the movie the D.I.

And what he did, I was doing
my Walter Brennan imitation

one day, which was sort of
like walking like an old man

all hunched over, and
he spotted me doing this

and walked over and he said,

"I suppose you think
that's so goddamn funny."

I said, "What?"

He said, "There are
people that can't help

"walking like that."

So I didn't think
anything about it.

There was an assembly
there that afternoon

and because I was an
almighty letterman

I got to stand in front
of the assembled groups

and direct traffic.

That was part of the benefits

of getting a letter in baseball.

So I was standing out
there, so I did it again,

thinking it was awfully funny

that I could do Walter Brennan.

And he caught me again doing it.

The next day in PE he
brought me up in front

of the entire class and said,

"Don here is gonna
imitate somebody for you,

"a person with cerebral palsy.

"Come on out, Don, and do it."

So I thought he was kidding,
you know, but he wasn't.

He made me come out
there and do that,

and I've never done
the imitation since,

so I'm not gonna do it now.

Secondly, Crouse took the
heaviest kid in the ninth grade,

Lee Dalton, and we had a
thing in PE where you'd have

some poor guy on the
floor with his knees up

and you would come
roaring for him,

put your hands on his knees,

and the guy on the floor
would push you over.

So he asked for
volunteers and, of course,

nobody volunteered, so he said,

"Christianson,
you're on the floor."

And Johnny Christianson wasn't
more than like five feet one.

He put him on the
floor and he said,

"I need a demonstration
tumbling guy here.

"Dalton."

So he got Dalton who is
at least six feet four,

and about 250 really loose
pounds, and sent him over.

Nobody thought
anybody would make it.

Dalton did a fairly decent job.

He didn't crush
Christianson on the floor.

The point of it is is
that Dalton made it,

Christianson made it, and
we all made it after that.

I thought it was kinda neat.

I made it myself.

I never forget old Crouse.

I went up to his house
one day afterwards,

and we were like older kids.

He looked out his
curtain like this at us.

It was dark, and I
still got scared.

And I shouldn't be afraid
when you're that old.

Actually he's a good
friend of ours now.

In contrast to Evelyn Burton,
an English teacher I had

who told me that I was
not even college material,

that I should probably get
a job learning how to weld.

That was my advice as a senior.

Told me I couldn't take Lit 4.

These are the kinda things
that stick with you,

when you're going to a
35th reunion in two weeks.

So I dropped out of Comp
English, English for College,

didn't get to take Lit 4,
didn't get to study Chaucer,

but I got to take a
class called Family Life

which taught me how to
feed babies and cook.

I went in the army, got
out, went back to college,

went into English 101,
and managed to get an A.

So I thought this is
my golden opportunity,

to go back with my grade thing,

it was 4.5 or an A in English,

I hadn't gotten that many good
grades ever in high school,

to show Mrs. Burton that she
was wrong and that I was right.

And I went back to Everett and
found out that she had died

about three weeks earlier.

So I'm still waiting
to show her that thing.

Maybe she knows I got
the A, I don't know.

It isn't that important now.

But I'll show you the
last thing, a watch
my mother gave me.

It says, "Mom to Don 1958".

It still works.

It's approximately 4:25,

and it's the only
watch I've ever had.

I'll never forget
Jack Crouse though.

I think he's still alive.

I know Mrs. Burton's dead
and I'll be dead someday

and I'll probably see her
then and I'll tell her

I got an A in English.

How do you like that?

[squeaking]

[footsteps rustling]

- Okay, look, I've had it.

You get up tomorrow morning.

Don't wait for her to get up.

Go out to that camper,
don't even bother knocking.

Don't wait for her
to come to the door.

Rip that door open
if you have to.

Drag her out of there, throw
her and her shit in the car

and drive to that ferry.

Don't stop along the way
where she can get out,

and don't leave until you see
her go away into the distance

on that ferry.

I've had it, this is it.

- Oh, that is so
typical, so typical.

All week I have been
trying to tell you,

help me deal with this,
help me get through it.

But no, you wait until you're
all the way back to work

and now I have to
deal with it myself.

You're telling me deal
with it, get rid of her,

put her in the car, right.

You take her, you put her
in the car, you do it.

You handle it.

I have other things to do.

So you see you saw the
paper I brought in.

Did you get a chance
to look at it?

- Oh, hey, thanks
for bringing that.

That was nice of you.

Yeah, I started reading
that front section,

that really good article
on the travel section.

- Did you look though the homes

and real estate section at all?

- No, I haven't gotten
to that part yet.

- Well, it has places for
rent you know in Seattle

you can look in there and
it'll tell you apartments

and houses and such and
then you can call the number

and find out how much they
are and if it's the area

that you like, you've done
that before, haven't you?

- Well, I'm just kinda
waiting on Dennis for that.

- But he's not gonna
be here for a while.

- Oh, I'm sure he's
gonna call soon though.

- Yeah, but he's not
gonna be here for a while.

- Well, you know
there's really no hurry

and I think I'll just
wait 'til he calls

and we can talk a little
bit about it then.

- Well, maybe we could
kinda figure out kinda what

place you wanna get.

Have you kinda thought
about what kinda place?

Apartment?

- You know Dennis is so
particular that I just really

kinda wait, you know, and
there's really no hurry.

- Maybe a little house?

- Um, I don't even know
what we can afford really.

- Well, maybe I
could kinda help you

get some kind of an idea.

- Well, you know I just kinda
feel like we should just

give it a little time
and I'd like to just feel

what it's like over in this
neighborhood and then wait

'til I hear from Dennis
and take it from there.

- Well, he's kinda gotta be
in the city sort of, isn't he?

Maybe you should think about
being somewhere in the city

closer to downtown maybe
or maybe close to the ferry

so you could walk on
and off the ferry?

In case you wanted
to come out here

it would be a lot easier.

- Yeah, well, you know we
really didn't even talk about it

and I just don't wanna
rush it right now.

I'm really comfortable here
and it's just been so great.

You've let me move in
here and it's so cozy

and it's given me a little
time for myself even.

And then when Dennis calls
we'll just put it together

and figure out what we wanna do.

- Well, you know sometimes
you have to put a deposit down

or put a wait on something,
sometimes you gotta wait,

if some stuff isn't available
like 'til the first,

maybe we should kinda
start looking sort of,

maybe just kinda take a look.

Maybe you want to go to
Seattle and check out Seattle.

- Hmm, I really don't like
to ride the ferry too much

and [sighs] I'm just real
comfortable here right now

until Dennis shows up and then
we can drive around together.

- You don't like
to ride the ferry?

I could drive you around.

We could go out to Tacoma.

That's not too bad of a drive.

- Hmm.

- I'll take you
in my convertible.

We could go for a ride
in the convertible.

You might like that, it might
be fun just for the day.

- Well, [sighs]

the garden's coming up here,

I've got a lot of things
I just feel like doing now

and really there's no hurry.

I've been told there's places
that come up all the time

and it'll just work out.

- Well, I think you
really need to start

to figure out a direction
which way you really wanna go.

I'd be happy to help
you whatever it takes.

- Well, you've been
great, I know and--

- Well, no, I'm happy
to help you more.

- I don't want you to
have to do anything more.

I can just hang out
here, things are fine,

and then when Dennis shows
up, we'll get it together

and then we'll figure
out where we wanna live.

I won't cost you very much.

I can eat from the garden.

It's doing really
well this year,

so it doesn't cost
much for me to be here.

- But that could still be a
couple months down the road.

- No, I'm convinced that
Dennis is gonna give me a call.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- How's it going?

- It's going okay.

- I need some help
with the baby inside.

- All right.
- Now.

- Okay.

- One day I was
wandering in my vicinity,

and I found an artificial
leg completely dressed

in shoe, stocking, and I
thought what an interesting

find it would be to
take back to my house

and put up as a fence post
on top of a fence post

as found art. [clears throat]

A while passed, and sitting
in the backyard one day

I heard someone clear
their voice and I looked up

to see a Monterey County
Sheriff, full dressed policeman

pointing at my garden.

In the garden, I had
six-foot pot plants growing

just beyond the vision
of the artificial leg,

and he was stammering
and I got up to see what

he was talking about, all
the time tasting adrenalin

and he was pointing at,
I thought my garden,

but actually he was pointing
at the artificial leg,

saying, "Where did I get it?"

Well, I explained
where I'd gotten it,

and he said, "Well,
that's my mother's leg."

And as he explained to me,
his mother died of cancer

and some kids, I guess,
had gotten into her house,

she had been a neighbor of
mine, which I didn't know,

and they'd strewn her stuff
all over the back alley

and that's when I found the leg.

My first reaction was, "Oh,
god, what have I done?"

I said, "Well, I'll
get it for you."

So I turned from the
policeman and said,

"Just let me get it."

All the while I'm walking
toward this artificial leg

that's sticking
straight up in the air,

and I'm convinced that at
any moment I'm going to be

in jail because within
his field of vision are

these beautiful
marijuana plants.

So anyway I reached the
leg, my heart pounding,

and I'm retrieving the leg,
walking with it hand in hand

and I hand it to him
and he thanks me for it,

and proceeds to get in
his car and drives off

with this artificial leg.

After that, I immediately
pulled up all the plants

and I'm not sure if
I could flush them

or what I did with them.

It was a very tense
moment in my life.

Another story occurred.

When I was in high school
or just out of high school,

I decided to have a
party to celebrate it,

and about 60, 65 people
came to this party,

and everybody was
having a good time,

patio, inside, fire
inside, barbeque outside.

Everybody was milling
around and at one point

I turned around and my mother,
who was a very heavy drinker,

wished to appear
and mingle with all

of my friends completely naked.

I looked at her and obviously
she wanted a fight over this.

She wanted me to pick her up
and take her to her bedroom.

I declined and left my party
and went to a different party

which I then proceeded
to have a wonderful time.

[ethereal music]

- Tasha.

- Mm-hmm.

- I like that ring.

- Oh, thanks, my
mom gave it to me.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Birthday?

- Christmas.

- Nice.

- Well, thanks.

[sighing]

- Um, has your mom

said anything recently about me?

- Well, what do you mean?

- I don't know,
you know, whatever.

- Not really.

- She talks to you though
about stuff though?

I mean like you guys
seem pretty close.

- Yeah, we talk a lot.

- Hmm.

[sighs] She was out late.

- [Tasha] Yeah, I
came in at like 11

and I didn't hear her.

I went right to bed
because I was tired

and so I woke up this morning
and she was here so...

- Oh, good, so she was home.

I wanna show you
something in a minute.

Have you ever seen that before?

- [Tasha] No.

- She gave me that
when we first met,

when we kinda saw each other

like we'd seen each
other forever, you know,

and it was kind of
like our relationship.

I mean this was like, I don't
know how to explain it to you,

but anyways I woke up
last night and the crystal

had fallen out of this thing.

[sighs] I just knew.

[tinkling]

I just need to tell
you this, I don't know.

Maybe somehow you'll

understand or something.

I guess I've never been
that great with women.

But the funny thing about it is,

I feel like I can't
live without a woman.

I don't know what it is.

I feel like

I don't have enough.

Well, anyway, when
I met your mother,

it was in London,

and I had just come
in from New York,

I had terrible
jetlag at Heathrow

and I was so lonely.

I was just so lonely and
this whole trip was to,

I don't know, because
I've always been
searching for god too

and I just had this kind of
message that I was supposed

to be in Jerusalem
for Christmas.

So I sold everything I had.

I was living right
here in this town,

and I sold my car,
everything, to get to this

Israel for Christmas.

So I landed in London,
I'd just seen my parents

and that just makes me
feel lonelier than ever

and so it's like with parents
it's like I'd just spend

the whole time just feeling
lonelier and lonelier.

I just wanted to meet somebody.

So I got off at the
airport and sure enough,

I put on my backpack and
there's this American woman

and we're talking.

It was your mother.

I couldn't believe it, she said,

"You wanna share a
hotel room together?

"It'll save us money."

And I said, "Sure."

I don't know, it was like
when we got into the bedroom,

it's kind of a dingy hotel

in some Iranian district,

or Indian, there's all these
Indians all in these cheap

hotels in London, well, anyways,

we're in this room, this
small room, a single bed,

and I felt like a little boy.

She just kind of
undressed me, slowly,

and

I mean we hadn't
even kissed yet.

[laughs] I don't even
think I knew her name.

This instant, it was like a
feeling I'd never had before,

I just felt so safe
all of a sudden,

like it's gonna be okay.

Like I'm not gonna
die or something.

I don't know.

I just got all, I mean
because it was so safe.

I don't know, it's
like with other women

it had always been
so in a hurry,

hurry the hell, you
know just get going,

and like let's see what
you got there, buddy.

And there wasn't
any of that at all.

[peaceful music]

[birds chirping]

[laughing] Marriage,
two children.

Rich

and

famous.

Oh, god, sex, sex,
sex, sex, sex, sex.

[sighs] Dumps men fast.

Long life, that's good.

Meet her now,

yes.

- She was gonna leave yesterday.

She was gonna leave
the day before.

She's still here, I have had it.

Tomorrow morning,
you're gonna get up,

pack those bags,
put her in the car,

and drive to the ferry,

and don't stop and
let her out anywhere.

Get her on that ferry,
she's out of life.

I've had it.

It's getting between us,
it's messing things up,

it's gotta happen tomorrow.

- She's got to leave.

I just can't take it anymore.

[jazz blues music]

[car revving]

[seagulls calling]

[water rippling]

- So I'm kind of like in the
middle of this story right now.

It's been really hard to
know when to make a change,

knowing that at some
point I had to leave

basically something that I
was very much committed to

and very much I'd given
basically over nine years

of my life to, and yet
knowing psychically

and spiritually that I
just had to give up that

to do something
different in my life

and so I most recently
have resigned from

publishing, a job that has been

pretty much my entire life

and I for the past couple
years kept thinking,

I've got to move on,
I've got to move on,

because I was giving so much
to bringing other people's

work out into the world
and yet I knew somehow

that the silence within
me would either be a time

for me basically be not silent

anymore within myself.

And yet I couldn't do it
because I just couldn't do it,

and I kept thinking
the time would come and

so a few months ago,

I helped put in
this film festival

here in town and then
the next day after that,

actually a couple days
after that, I had dinner

with some friends and

basically spent the
whole night crying.

That's kind of when
things, it was like, okay,

it's time for me, I know
I gotta make this change

because I'm starting to cry
and I'm the sort of person

I don't cry a lot.

I spent that night after they
left alone and then got up

really early in the
morning and went swimming

and it was like I was
swimming and I'm crying

and I'm thinking I gotta go.

I just gotta leave
this situation.

Even though I love
what I'm doing,

there's something in me that

I've gotta break from that.

And yet I still
couldn't do it, and so

it's like you never
know when the time is

and I kept thinking somebody
could help me with this,

and yet I knew the decision
had to come down to myself.

Finally after another

period of a lot of
crying on the beach

and then Roger coming home
and I'm just crying and Roger

saying, "Look, you just listen
to yourself, it's okay."

And yet I'm so like frightened
of what the future's

gonna bring, I don't have
anything like this is what's

gonna happen in my life.

It's just like I know I've
gotta make some break.

So I just fell asleep
and Roger was holding me

and I was crying and
finally I just got up

at six in the morning and went
in and wrote a resignation

and left it on the
the desk, and split,

and went into the pool
and went swimming.

It was really amazing.

It was like the first
time I had noticed,

I swore I had never
seen these roses before.

It was like all of a sudden
I was feeling more like

just alive.

I was seeing things.

So I went swimming and it
was great and I went home

and I packed my bags and I
took off and I went to this

old dock and I went swimming
for the rest of the day

and then took off to the ocean

and drank a bottle of
champagne and got smashed

and felt like this is it,
I've made the right decision.

So I don't know
what's gonna happen.

I mean it's really kind of...

They really would like
me to stay at the press

and yet I feel like I just gotta

take a chance.

I don't know how I'm
gonna support myself.

I don't know what's
gonna come but

it's time so I did it.

And I'm kind of still in
the middle of my story.

[birds chirping]

- So I don't know, I guess
that was like the beginning

of being scared of my
sister, really scared.

I saw her like, I don't know,
just really evil or something.

I didn't realize at that
time why she was so justified

in being like she was.

So we didn't talk much.

So actually
fast-forwarding up to now,

I haven't spoken with
her for a couple years,

and today's a very special
day 'cause she wrote me.

So this is the letter.

"Dear Cheyenne.

"I hope I can get through this.

"I feel relieved just to
have begun this letter

"but still don't
know what to say

"or how to say it

"and writing is something
so difficult for me anyway

"so I guess we've both
been angry at each other

"for different reasons, but
equally important reasons.

"And resolution is always
difficult but especially

"with separation,
not just manifest

"in our disparate
opinions and needs

"but in actual
physical distance.

"I was so touched by the
earrings you sent me."

I sent her a birthday gift.

"I have them out and
have looked at them daily

"and thought of you,
intending to write,

"and guilt that I haven't,

"but I am now.

"Can we just drop this
and go on from here?

"My vote goes for
that, what about you?"

♪ Well, this world
is such a mess

♪ Everyone should
be under arrest

♪ They can kill you
in front of your wife

♪ And get you down
and spoil you life

♪ How'd you ever get this far

♪ Gotta be blues for the avatar

♪ This world is such a mess

♪ When your neighbor
is putting up a fence

♪ Then they lock out
you out of their yard

♪ You never knew
life could be hard

♪ Oh how did it get this far

♪ It's gotta be
blues for the avatar

♪ Well this world is such a mess

♪ Even families
don't even make sense

♪ They'll turn into your enemies

♪ That's something
I just can't see

♪ How did it ever
go and get this far

♪ It's gotta be
blues for the avatar

♪ Oh how did it
ever get this far

♪ Gotta be blues
for the avatar ♪