Bluebeard's Eighth Wife (1938) - full transcript

Bonjour Monsieur, there is
something we could show you?

- Pajamas.
- Will you be so good as to step this way?

May I call
monsieur's attention to the fact...

we're featuring a
special sale at reduced prices.

Of raincoats, umbrellas, tennis
racquets and portable phonographs.

- I want some pajamas.
- Très bien monsieur.

May I interest monsieur
in a new men's perfume?

In these days of greater
equality between the sexes...

perfume should not be
the privilege of ladies only.

It is the contention of our management that
the man who smells is a thing of the future.

- You ought to go a long way.
- Merci monsieur.



Service Mr. Lelong.

- Pajamas, size 42.
- Thank you monsieur.

Monsieur interested in neck-wear?
A very becoming tie monsieur.

We have the same in maroon, dark green,
orange, blue and a very discreet pink.

- Perhaps monsieur would prefer a bow tie?
- No, thanks.

S'il vous plaît monsieur.

Not even in Paris could
monsieur find a wider selection.

I'll take this one. How much?

- 200 francs.
- Here's 100, I just want the tops.

- What?
- I don't want the pants, just the tops.

Oh, I'm very sorry monsieur, but we don't
sell the jackets without the pantalon.

But I don't sleep in pantalon
and I don't buy stuff I don't use.

- What monsieur wants is a nightshirt.
- No, I don't want a nightshirt.

- Take the 100 francs and wrap it up.
- Why, it's a case without precedent.



- Really, we have no authority.
- I've had this argument all over the world.

If it's a question of price monsieur,
there are cheaper pajamas.

It's not a question
of price, it's a matter of principle.

This pajama business is a
racket and I don't fall for it.

90% of the male population
don't sleep in pajama pants.

Don't want pajama pants yet buy pajama pants.

Be honest, how about you?

I'm an exceptional case
monsieur, I sleep with just a muffler.

- And I, for my part sleep with...
- Never mind, do I get the coat or don't I?

This is a revolutionary request monsieur, I
must consult my superior, just one moment.

Residence of monsieur
de la Coste, very well monsieur.

They're calling from your store monsieur.

Monsieur the Vice President...

wishes to speak to Monsieur the
President on a very important matter.

Yes, what is it? What?

Oh, no, no, never, never.
Oh, that is communism.

Can't you sell him anything
else? What about a straw hat?

Monsieur, the management feels
that to sell a pair of pajamas...

without the trousers would create a precedent
and the consequences might prove disastrous.

Now, our president says we've had
enough trouble in Europe as it is.

And he wonders if you would be kind
enough to look at a selection of straw hats?

You tell your president that if I can't buy
pajamas without the trousers, I'll...

I'll buy the trousers.
Yes, I may buy the trousers.

- How do you do?
- How do you do madame?

- How do you do madame?
- How do you do?

I'm looking for pajamas for a gentleman
and for his purpose the trousers are enough.

- A very fortunate solution.
- Yes, it certainly is.

Provided we can agree on the
color and the pattern, of course.

- Oh, how about this blue pair?
- Oh, heavens no, it's too dark.

I like to see something gay
in the morning, don't you?

Not too darned gay, there's not
a laugh in me before breakfast.

Oh, you should try to brighten up your life.

- Now, let's see, how about this one?
- Stripes? I hate stripes.

Oh now, that's funny. When I was standing
at the other counter, I was watching you.

- You were?
- Oh, I hope you don't mind.

Not a bit.

Well, I said to myself...

now if I had to select pajamas for that
gentleman, what would I choose?

And let me tell you, if ever
there was a stripey type, it's you.

Why don't you try it on?

All right.

- What do you think?
- Stunning.

These things are so loud I'd hear them in the
dark, I've enough trouble getting to sleep.

- You don't look like a martyr to insomnia.
- Really, it's no joke, I don't sleep well.

But surely you can't blame it on the pajamas.

I guess you're right.
It's probably the climate.

Now, don't blame
it on the Riviera, I resent that.

We have the best climate in the
world here and we're very proud of it.

I'm sorry, I don't want to hurt
your feelings, but I don't sleep.

Maybe you should see a doctor.

- By the way, how many pillows do you use?
- None.

Did you ever try putting
two pillows under your feet?

- No.
- Don't do it, it's very bad.

Oh, you know what might help you?
The method of Professor Urganzeff.

What's that?

Well, you take a long word
like Czechoslovakia for instance...

- and you spell it backwards.
- I can't even spell it forward.

Oh, you should try it just once.

As you spell it backwards, you
stretch and yawn between each letter.

- You'll drift off in no time.
- Sounds swell.

- You'll take the stripes?
- I'll take the stripes.

- All right, I'll take the coat.
- And I'll take the trousers.

How shall we divide the charges?

Well, that should be simple.
The whole pajamas cost...

- 200 francs.
- Well, 50-50.

Oh, that's not fair, you
should pay more for the coat.

But there's more material in the pants.

But don't forget I
threw in Professor Urganzeff.

Oh, about this
Czechoslovakia, when do I do it?

You go to bed and turn out
the lights and then you start.

Oh, it's wonderful and so easy.

A - I - K...

You only have to worry about Slovakia, by
the time you reach Czech you're fast asleep..

- All right, I'll pay 125.
- Very well, monsieur.

That makes 125 for monsieur
and 75 francs for madame.

Will you be so kind as
to pay cashier number nine?

Right here please, you will receive
your packages at the adjoining counter.

Thank you.

Must be pretty nice for a husband to have
a wife who picks up bargains for him.

Kind of restores your faith in marriage.

I'm sorry to shatter your illusions.
I'm not buying these trousers for a husband.

Well, you see madame...

Or is it mademoiselle?
It's kind of tough for a foreigner.

Sometimes you say madame
when it's mademoiselle and...

- sometimes you say mademoiselle...
- Now look here, I think I can help you.

- You want to know if I'm married?
- Yes.

I'm not.

- Well I, I'm a pretty tall man, you know.
- So I see.

Well, it's kind of hard to believe that
someone who is as little and as...

dainty and as you French say, as petite...

as you could have such a big brother.

I have no brother.

Well, don't tell me you're buying those
pajamas for yourself, after all I'm 6'3.

There are other tall men in the world.

Goodbye monsieur.

- Goodbye mademoiselle.
- Goodbye.

- Make it snappy, will you?
- Très vite garcon, très vite.

Tell me, who was that lady?

- Oh she's very charming, isn't she monsieur?
- Well, I know that but who is she?

The story writes itself, doesn't it?

What do you mean?

Well, a beautiful lady buys a
pair of pajamas for a gentleman.

She has no husband,
she has no brother. Voilà.

- Voilà what?
- A lady in love.

Ah, you Frenchmen always think the worst.

- Maybe it was for an uncle.
- Oh no monsieur, for an uncle you buy a pipe.

- But why did she buy just the pants?
- Love has its own secrets monsieur.

S'il vous plaît monsieur.

- How about a straw hat monsieur?
- Leave me alone.

A - I...

K...

A...

V...

A - I - K...

A - V...

Doesn't work.

Give us one more chance monsieur.
I'm certain you will like Apartment 418.

There's nothing wrong with the
apartment downstairs, it's that ocean.

- But this is a different floor.
- But it's the same ocean.

But don't forget monsieur, that
up here you're 22 feet higher.

What sounds like a wild ocean
on the third floor, on the fourth...

sounds like a little
difficulty with the plumbing.

Oh voilà monsieur, this is the
most exquisite suite on the Riviera.

- Show me the bedroom.
- If you please monsieur, this way.

This monsieur, is the most
elegant bedchamber in our entire...

- Hello.
- Hello.

And now if monsieur would
inspect the rest of the apartment?

If you please monsieur.

- He go with the place?
- No, no monsieur, it is nothing.

- Just a slight misunderstanding.
- If you please.

Monsieur Le Marquis, you have caused
this hotel grave embarrassment.

- You had ample warning to move out.
- I have not yet given up this apartment.

You have been moved to Apartment 53.

Next to the servants' quarters? Never.

May I remind you that you haven't paid
your bills for the last two months?

And may I remind you that I am heartily
disgusted with the food in this hotel?

You are in no position to complain.
Last Wednesday, for instance.

- That steak was tough.
- Maybe it was.

That was no reason for you
to disturb the whole dining room...

by calling for a hammer and chisel.

I do not permit any such criticism
of my behavior from a hotel employee.

- Then why don't you leave the hotel?
- I will.

- Not before you've paid your 60,000 francs.
- You're going to be paid, to the last sou.

- I've heard that before monsieur.
- Oh, you'll regret this my good man.

I am in communication with
an American multimillionaire.

I have submitted to him a business
proposition of such magnitude...

that the mention of
60,000 francs makes me laugh.

- Has he accepted?
- Well, he hasn't refused.

I mailed my letter Monday.

Well, you can wait for
your answer in Apartment 53.

I will not.

Unless these rooms are vacated in
one hour, we'll clear them by force.

This is the Marquis de Loiselle speaking.

Did you get my letter Mr. Brandon?
What do you think about my proposition?

Hello? Hello?

Can you hear me? Hello?
Mr. Brandon. Mr. Brandon.

What? You want to speak to Mr. Brandon?

Hold it, I'm coming. Thanks.
New York? Brandon speaking.

How's the market Jeff?
Canadian General dropped to 85?

Buy 300,000 more. How's
Pacific Limited? Fine, sell it.

Add another $500,000 and buy
Gusher Petroleum to the whole amount.

Yeah. Did you get an estimate
on the tin factory at Peepeck?

$2,125,000? It's a bargain, buy it.

Operator? Don't interrupt,
Operator, I know it's three minutes.

Hello Jeff.
Say, did you read the Sunday paper?

How did Flash Gordon
get out of that burning submarine?

He didn't? Oh, not till next Sunday?

All right, send me a wire. So long.

- Thanks.
- Just a second Mr. Brandon.

Yes? I am the Marquis de Loiselle.

How do you do? I'm very glad to have met you.

- Well, well, well, don't you know who I am?
- Well, you just told me, a marquis, that's...

Well, that's somewhere
between a count and a duke, isn't it?

- I wrote you about a business proposition.
- Oh, I get 100 business propositions a day.

- What did you say your name was?
- De Loiselle.

- I - O - I - S - E - I - I - E.
- Oh Mr.Loiselle, sure I remember.

- Well, what do you think about my idea?
- Great.

Isn't it?

One of the best
projects ever submitted to me.

Terrific possibilities, it's a gold mine.

- Millions in it, millions.
- Then you'll do it?

- No.
- Why not?

It isn't worth a
nickel unless it's handled right.

- Let me tell you what I've done.
- Don't bother, I know everything about you.

For instance, in 1924, why did you induce
a Mr. Bernier to finance automobile races?

Why, he was a very rich man.

He had the money, I had the experience.

When the races were over, you had
the money and he had the experience.

Your bank account is overdrawn 10,675 francs.

How did you know that?

If a man wants to do business with me,
I have to know everything about him.

Always check up, always investigate.

Oh, that's an excellent idea,
this world is full of scoundrels.

I'm sorry, I'm a busy man.

But Mr. Brandon, if you won't
finance my business project...

would you be interested in buying a bathtub?

A what?

I have in my possession
one of the glories of France...

the one and only bathtub of Louis XIV.

Sorry, I use a shower.

Oh, but you wouldn't have to use it as a tub.

You could put it in your
library, use it as an ashtray.

- Always throw my ashes on the carpet.
- Carpet, carpet, I can sell you a carpet.

Mr. Brandon, Mr. Brandon.

- Mr. Brandon, Mr. Brandon...
- No, no, I'm sorry. I tell you I can't...

Aren't you ashamed? A man of your
age fooling around with a sweetheart.

You know that too.

I only have to look at your
pants and I know everything.

My pantalon?

Oh, I must apologize of course,

they certainly don't match and they're
very much too long, but you see...

Well, you know my financial situation.

- My daughter tries to economize.
- Your daughter?

She bought these for me yesterday.
My coat is still good, you see.

- The girl who bought those pants...
- Is my daughter.

- Is she married?
- No.

- Engaged?
- No.

- In love with anyone?
- No, no, no.

- I'll buy the bathtub.
- You'll buy the bathtub Mr. Brandon?

Don't call me Mr. Brandon, call
me Mike, we're going to be related.

It's only a matter of form.

You want to know something?
'I'm beginning to believe in pants.

If you hadn't worn those pants
I never would've bought that bathtub.

You want to know something else?

We're going to celebrate our
honeymoon in Czechoslovakia.

Yes sir.

Albert.

Nicole.

- Hello, Nicole.
- Hello, I'm...

sorry I'm late, I was
detained at the beauty shop.

It's alright Nicole.

Right in the middle of a
manicure the proprietor came in and...

presented me with last month's bill.

- Did you pay him?
- What do you think?

The same happened to me once with a
doctor in the middle of an operation.

You realize I'm probably the
only living man with just one tonsil?

Albert, I'd like to talk to you seriously.
You think that's possible by any chance?

- Money troubles?
- Let's sit down.

Oh, it's terrible, we owe everybody.

Have you ever had a waiter
look at you with untipped eyes?

And the elevator boy.

When I say Fourth floor, he says, yes Mlle.
And makes a detour through the basement.,

- It's humiliating.
- Oh, I wish I could help you.

You can, you're the
only person I know who works.

- Albert, how does one get a job?
- Oh, what can you do Nicole?

Nothing, absolutely nothing.

You know, it's incredible how useless...

I am, I was thinking about it last
night and I got terribly depressed.

And then I remembered that you
found a job and that encouraged me a lot.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Someone you know?
- I met him once.

Who is he?

All I know is he only sleeps
in the tops of his pajamas.

Oh, I see.

Hey you...

- Are you speaking to me?
- I beg your pardon. I mean him.

- Oh, he can't talk to me like that.
- I should hope not.

- Well, don't worry, I'll show him.
- Good.

- Well?
- Well?

- Well, good morning.
- Morning.

- Mind if I sit down?
- Sit down.

You know, I was just saying
to the lady I'm with, I said...

Look, who's that good
looking chap over there? Yes.

You know, your face looks familiar to me.

Oh, I know where we met, at
the races at Deauville last summer.

I wasn't at Deauville last
year and neither were you.

I beg your pardon, you can't
speak to me like that, how dare you?

- I said I was at the races last summer.
- You weren't.

- I wasn't?
- No.

How do you know?

I know everything about
you, you're the Count de Regnier.

You're a bank clerk, Paris branch
of the New York Discount Bank.

You get 2,000 francs a
month and you're not worth it.

You work in Room Six
at the desk by the window...

and you spend most of your
time looking out the window.

- Are you a detective?
- No, I own the bank.

- It's my boss.
- Better not be too rough with him.

Well, I don't know.

At your service Mr. Brandon.

What are you doing on the Riviera anyway
when your vacation was over last Friday?

Oh, was it? It's
amazing how time flies, isn't it?

Since you're here, you might
as well act as my secretary.

Yes sir.

- Take a letter.
- Yes sir.

Museum of Fine Arts, Hannibal,
Michigan, that's my hometown.

Gentlemen, within the next few days,
I am shipping you the bathtub of Louis XIV.

- You bought it?
- As soon as I saw your father's pants.

They tell me said bathtub is genuine.
I can't guarantee this

because I wasn't around when Louis was
bathing, but in any case, it cost plenty.

Yours truly and so forth.

Go to room 307, type that
and wait for me, here's the key.

- Yes sir, sorry Nicole.
- I understand.

Still crazy about me?

Oh, it would be hard to resist a man of
your natural charm and finesse Mr. Brandon.

I love the delicate way you
talk to your employees and...

still indicate that you're
not quite pleased with them.

- You seem to be a man full of innuendos.
- I just try to make myself clear.

- Are you staying here long?
- Well, you never can tell.

You know, I'm pretty
glad I came to the Riviera.

Oh yes, it's a lovely place.

Beautiful, but the class of people who
come here gets worse every year.

And this year we seem to
have next year's crowd already.

How about marrying me?

How did you get here?

Just called the French
navy, a battleship dropped me.

Oh yes, I forgot, you're an important person.

Say, can I talk business with you?

- Business?
- I have a complaint, Czechoslovakia.

Didn't it work?

It made matters worse, it
reminded me of you, I never shut an eye.

I couldn't get you out of my mind,
a couple more nights like that...

and I'd be a nervous wreck. I'm in a
bad way, you know, I'm crazy about you.

- Why, poor Mr. Brandon.
- It's no joke.

The minute I saw you in that store, I said to
myself, there's the girl I'm going to marry.

Does that seem kind of sudden?

Oh, no, no. A man in your
position can't waste time.

I believe in snap judgments,
that's the foundation of my business...

and the secret of my success, I act on
the spur of the moment, I act on impulse.

I hate overtures, lovemaking is the red tape
of marriage, it doesn't get you anywhere

I could take you out for three months and
send you flowers and all that flap-doodle...

and I wouldn't know any more
about you than I do right now.

It's only after the
marriage that you find out...

- That you've got the wrong girl.
- Or the right one.

Love and business, it's just the same, you
have to gamble, you have to take chances.

Only yesterday I took a chance in oil.

- Oh, how is oil?
- Fine, went up five points.

- How's steel?
- Not so good.

- Say, are you interested in finance?
- I should say I am.

Gee, that's swell, we're
going to have a great time.

Yes.

Was it yours very truly or very truly yours?

- Make it sincerely.
- Yes sir.

- Now, where were we?
- On the stock market.

Oh, stop kidding, I, I'm
asking you to marry me seriously.

Oh, let's not be too hasty Mr. Brandon.

Don't you want to know a
little something more about me?

Ask me a few questions before
you definitely make up your mind?

- No.
- Not even how I feel about this matter?

Well I...

Oh no, perhaps that doesn't occur
to a man with 50 million dollars.

- I haven't $50 million.
- You haven't $50 million?

A man with your manners can't possibly
afford to have less than 50 million dollars.

- You're behaving beyond your income.
- I'll make the rest of it if you say so.

I'm sure you will,
any morning before breakfast.

Mr. Brandon, you're terrific,
you're gigantic, you're breathtaking.

I wish someone would tell
you what I really think of you.

Come in.

Don't you feel well sir?
Is there anything I can do for you?

I'm all shot to pieces,
I can't sleep anymore.

Well, about that letter Mr. Brandon
to the Museum of Fine Arts...

Albert, if you want to keep your job
with me don't you ever remind me of it.

Never mention the Marquis
or that daughter of his.

- No sir.
- Lay off of pajama pants.

Yes sir.

I don't want to hear
any more about the Riviera.

No sir.

Don't speak to me about France
and keep away from Czechoslovakia.

Well, if it meets with your
approval sir, I won't say anything.

Albert, you're very sweet guy.

- I forget, how much salary you get?
- 2,000 francs a month.

Well, that's enough.

I shouldn't have come
to the Riviera in the first place.

Now don't talk about it anymore.
I want to forget the whole darn busin...

- What's that?
- The bathtub sir.

- The what?
- The bathtub of Louis XIV.

To say no to a man like that, a man
who wasn't even hit by the depression.

- I counted on it.
- I know you did.

Well, what are we going to do now?

I thought we'd have all the money in
the world so I bought a few little things.

I had to have several new suits.

We needed a new car Nicole and I've
always wanted to have a billiard table.

Father, you're going to
cancel everything you bought.

Oh, not everything,
I still have my 60,000 francs.

- What 60,000 francs?
- The check for the bathtub.

- Give me that check.
- He bought it.

He didn't want that bathtub, that
check is his down payment on me.

That's not true Nicole, he insisted upon
buying it, he's crazy about that bathtub.

Come in.

- Is there any message?
- Yes.

- Mr. Brandon said that you are...
- Maurice, why make an enemy?

Oh, all right, leave it here in the anteroom.

- Give me that check.
- What?

But the family Nicole, I promised
to pay all their hotel bills.

What hotel bills?

I telephoned Paris and asked them all down
for the announcement of your engagement.

Well, you call them up this
minute and tell them not to come.

Oh Nicole, you know the family, with their
expenses paid they're on the train by now.

- Give me that check.
- Oh, well...

Come in.

Hello.

- I imagine you're surprised to see me.
- Not at all, I expected to.

- Oh, you did.
- Sure.

Well you see, I've changed my mind about you.

- I knew you would.
- I thought you were a good businessman.

What's that?

Here's the check Mr. Brandon,
and let this be a lesson to you.

Never buy a saddle on a chance
that the horse will be thrown in.

Now look here, I don't
want you to get the wrong...

impression of me, I never renege on a deal...

- but in this case, it so happens that it...
- Oh don't worry, we release you.

What do you mean you release me?
You haven't got a leg to stand on legally.

- Yes, you did.
- But that was a closed deal.

- You bought a bathtub.
- And I got a washbasin.

- Why don't you call an expert?
- All right, let's get the plumber.

Mr. Brandon, I know nothing whatsoever
about your education, but King Louis XIV...

By the way, have you
any idea when Louis XIV reigned?

Well, from from to...

Well, I tell you, it's a washbasin.

if you question our business ethics we'll
force you to go through with the deal.

You're practically claiming that we sold
you something under false pretenses.

You bought a washb, I mean a bathtub.

- No, you don't, you mean a washbasin.
- Give me that check.

Say, what kind of a hotel is this anyway?

The shower doesn't work, the
bathtub's out of kilter and...

Well, connect me with the head mechanic.

Never mind.

Take a letter.

Yes sir.

Dear Mademoiselle Nicole.

You were right and
I was wrong, it can be done.

So please let me apologize
from the bottom of your bathtub.

From the bottom of your bathtub.

Whether the darn thing
is too short or I am too long...

is a question I would like to
discuss with you at dinner.

I'm sure that this more formal
approach will meet with your approval.

- So shall we say 8:30 tonight?
- Shall we say...

I remain sincerely yours,
Michael Brandon, I'll sign it later.

It was a washbasin.

- 1643 to 1715.
- What?

- Louis XIV.
- You looked it up.

Born September the 5th, 1638.
Came to the throne at the age of five.

Won the Battle of Steenkirke in 1692.

Got mixed up with madame Du Barry.

Died at 4 o'clock in the afternoon on
Friday May the 10th, of smallpox.

That's sweet of you.

- Michael.
- Yes Nicole?

- Ninety five to ninety seven and a half.
- What?

Oil, it went up two
and a half points, I'm so glad.

Oh I've never been happier in my life and not
on account of those two and a half points.

Oh, wait a minute.

Louis XIV didn't die
of smallpox, that was Louis XV.

Oh. Well, I must've
skipped a page. Forgive me?

Oh, you know, when I saw you first...

- You mind if I skip a few pages?
- No.

I'm crazy about you.

Madame et messieurs,
we're ready for the photograph.

- When is this wedding going to be?
- In two weeks, you'll get your money.

I'm surprised to say
I rather like you Michael.

Thank you Grandmother.

Michael, don't call her Grandmother,
that's Aunt Hedwige, the head of the family.

If she had said no to our
engagement, I still would marry you.

- And when you talk to my uncle from Vienna.
- Oh I know, I should say Your Highness.

No, that's not necessary,
just call him Uncle Auguste.

- But never say to an Archduke, hey Archie.
- You just give me time, I'll learn.

- Haven't worn this suit for quite a while.
- What's that?

- Rice.
- Rice?

- Sure, don't you use it over here?
- Of course we do, for puddings.

No, we use it for weddings, you
throw at the bride and groom for luck.

- Did it bring them luck?
- Well, we had a pleasant six months.

What?

- You...
- Smile everybody, smile please.

- That's fine, one, two...
- Just, just a moment.

We'll be right back, come Michael.
Michael just wants to tell me something.

Michael, you've been married?

Yes, but that's all right,
my decree is final, you mind?

- No, I suppose not.
- I thought you knew.

You didn't tell me.

Don't you read the American
newspapers? It was front-page stuff.

I thought your father was
very well informed about me.

He only knows about your bank account.

And all I know about you is I liked you in a
department store and I hated you on a float.

- And I fell in love with you over a bathtub.
- Darling.

Oh darling.

- What was her name?
- Marjorie, I called her Mug.

- Why did you divorce?
- Oh well...

Did she do something wrong?

No, no, she was a little
jealous but there was no reason.

I told her I was crazy about Linda.

- Linda?
- Yes, Linda.

- Then why didn't you marry Linda?
- I did.

Now, let me get this straight, you...

you divorced Marjorie because
she was jealous of Linda and...

- you divorced Linda on account of Marjorie?
- No, no, you've got it all wrong, you see...

- I knew Marjorie long before I met Linda.
- Yes.

And I was going to marry
Marjorie when Elsie popped up.

- And Elsie, am I boring you?
- Oh, no, no.

No, it's all very interesting,
I'd like to get your point of view.

You see, to me this is a very important step.

- I happen to believe in marriage.
- So do I.

- Where were we?
- Elsie just popped up.

Say, this may take some time, we
better go and have the picture taken.

Michael, in one word, how many
times have you been married?

Well, you heard about Henry VIII?

- You mean, six times?
- No, seven.

You do believe in marriage.

- Seven marriages and seven divorces.
- No, only six, one died.

- I beg your pardon?
- A natural death.

- Oh?
- Well, shall we get the picture over with?

Get it over with?
You mean just like a marriage?

Say, you're taking
this whole thing too seriously.

Oh, no, no, I'm just being practical.

You see, today if I'm walking
on the street and someone calls...

Mademoiselle de Loiselle,
at least I know that's I.

But if someone calls Mrs.
Brandon, it might cause a traffic jam.

And 10 years from now, if you continue
like this, I might be trampled to death.

I'm just too much of a coward, no Michael.

- What's the matter?
- It's a fainting spell.

Everyone out, out. Everyone out at once.

Where is this Mr. Brandon?
Where is this Mr. Brandon?

Young man, we've been
humiliated quite enough.

- Now, just a minute...
- Don't interrupt me.

I'm speaking as the head of the family de la
Loiselle de la Vertinier de la Courtoisie...

including the branch
of the Faussignac de Gascony,

and I suggest that you take your
hat and leave, get out of here.

Oh, getting tough, eh?

I'm not afraid of you.
Do you know what you are?

- Now, look here Grandmother...
- Don't call her Grandmother, I told you.

And don't you call him,
well, anyhow, be careful.

And stop screaming at each other, if
you want to quarrel go somewhere else.

Michael.

- Yes, Aunt Hedwige?
- You're the lowest human being I ever met.

Is that so?

I never realized the depths
to which depravity could sink.

So I'm depraved, am I?

Well, what's a man going to
do when he falls in love with a girl?

- Why, marry her and stay married.
- And if he finds he's made a mistake?

Carry on behind her back,
lie, make excuses? Not me.

I think that's immoral,
besides, I'm too busy.

And how about your poor wives?

They're much better
than before I married them.

- Financially, I suppose.
- You mean financially?

- Exactly.
- Keep quiet Father.

You see, I make a
clean cut pre-marriage settlement.

Pre marriage settlement?
Oh, that's so romantic of you, Michael.

Well, I try to be fair and
in case of divorce, she gets...

We're not interested in your money.

Well, 50,000 dollars a year
for life isn't to be laughed at.

We're discussing a matter of the human heart.

- What's 50,000 dollars?
- Yes, what's 50,000 dollars?

Why, that's a million francs.

- From government bonds.
- You mean tax free?

Father, I want you to keep out of this.

Achille de Loiselle, if you let financial
considerations influence you for a moment...

Why shouldn't we consider this
proposition, from all angles?

Are you a father or an auctioneer?

I defy anyone to
question my motives in this matter.

Then you defy me, I forbid this
marriage absolutely and unconditionally.

I've had enough of your tyranny.
Aunt Hedwige, if you oppose this marriage...

Will you be quiet, both of you?
After all, it's my life that's being decided.

And will you stop walking?
I'll make my own decision.

Now look here Michael Brandon.

You think that all you have to do is wave
a check and no woman can resist you...

but let me tell you something.

There are still women in this
world who have other standards.

- I refuse your 50,000 dollars.
- Bravo.

- I want 100,000.
- Bravo.

- Nicole.
- What's that? A 100,000 dollars?

100,000 dollars guarantee in the marriage
contract and I'm Mrs. Michael Brandon.

- You can leave me whenever you wish.
- Oh, that'll never be, I hope.

Oh, that's very gallant Michael
but it's 100,000 dollars just the same.

- Well, that's quite a jump.
- Make up your mind Michael, think fast.

If you wait much longer it will be
150,000, my price goes up every minute.

Oh?

Well Nicole, you got me on the
spot. I'm so crazy about you...

- Don't rush my dear boy, take your time.
- It's a deal.

- It's a bargain.
- It's a scandal.

Oh Father, goodbye.

- I want you to write dear.
- Yes, I will.

Goodbye Michael, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

Nicole.

Thank you Albert.

Goodbye Nicole
and if anything should happen...

It won't.

Well, if you get unhappy, just send me a
telegram because you can rely on me.

Nicole, I know that
man, he can be very nasty.

Anyway, don't worry about it.
And I wish you lots of luck.

Don't wish me luck, wish him luck.

He doesn't know it yet, but this
time he's bought a washbasin.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Glad to see you back in Paris,
I hear you've been in Czechoslovakia.

- Yes, what's wrong about that?
- Why nothing Mr. Brandon.

- By the way, may I offer my congratulations?
- On what?

- Well, you got married.
- Oh? Yes, thank you.

- You're very happy, I suppose?
- Sure I am, don't I look happy?

Why yes, very happy.

- Anybody said anything?
- Oh, no, no, no.

Now look here, no more cracks out of you.

- Here madame.
- Thank you, will you charge it to me please?

Very well madame Brandon.

Hello Michael.

- Hello.
- Are you by any chance buying books?

I thought you never read
anything but the financial page.

Doctor's orders, he
thinks it'll quiet my nerves.

Yes monsieur?

I want some books,
I'd say about a half a dozen.

What sort monsieur? Fiction? We have
some very exciting new detective stories.

No no, nothing like that, I want something to
quiet me down, something to put me to sleep.

Something to put you to sleep?

Oh, what you want are the classics.

Yes and put in one volume of poetry
in case you need a quick nap.

There's nothing like blank
verse right after lunch.

Very well, I'll make up a selection.

If you'd be a little nicer to me, I wouldn't
have to buy all those books, how about it?

Michael, I have no gift of prophesy
but I see you ending up with a library.

Now, why don't you try
to be reasonable Nicole?

Let's not quarrel again.
We fought all over Europe.

You've presented your
arguments in every historical spot.

Pigeons in Venice are still frightened.

Will you glance over them monsieur?

No, that's all right,
you don't need to wrap them.

- Charge them to me.
- Very well madame Brandon.

If you'd be a little nicer to me...

books...

- Well...
- It was a pleasure to run into you Michael.

Oh, by the way, you've done
over your boudoir, haven't you?

Yes, it's all in turquoise, blue and silver.
Oh, it's really quite stunning.

But what about that green carpet though?

But green and blue are
charming, how did you know?

Well, your maid told my
valet, they're very friendly.

That sometimes happens, even when
people live in the same apartment.

Yes, I think we're very lucky
with most of our servants, don't you?

Oh, you bet, the new cook is fine.

Really? I'm hardly in a position
to tell, I've eaten here so little.

Oh, yes, I see by the papers
you've been stepping out a lot lately.

- Yes, quite a bit.
- Having a good time?

Oh, it's wonderful not to be
under parental control anymore.

That's what I love about marriage.

- How's your father?
- Fine.

- Rest of the family?
- Fine, thank you.

- How's your business?
- Ok, anything else new?

- No, nothing I know about.
- Well, goodbye.

- Hope I run into you again sometime.
- Goodbye Michael.

Oh Michael...

If you've any complaints about the household
or the servants just drop me a note.

And in case anything of importance
comes up and you have to see me...

it's perfectly
alright, just give me a warning.

Hey you, come here.

- Are you Mrs. Brandon's new chauffeur?
- No.

Oh, you don't have to hide it from
me, I'm quitting the job anyhow.

But let me tell you something, don't take it.

You never get home
before 3 o'clock in the morning.

Shakespeare.

Oh Michael, Michael, don't do that, stop it.

Where is it?

Here.

- Hurt?
- No, this is awfully nice of you Nicole.

Oh no. I always put iodine
on people when I bite them.

Oh, your bark is worse
than your bite. No, it isn't.

Good evening Mr. Brandon.

Well Mrs. Brandon,
this is certainly an honor.

- I'm delighted you accepted my invitation.
- Thank you.

What are the plans for tonight?

Well, first I thought we'd have a little
dinner here and then the choice is yours.

I've tickets for the Russian
ballet and tickets for the prize fights.

It's absolutely up to you.

S'il vous plaît madame.

Here's to our agreement,
no lovemaking, no quarrels.

- Just like an ordinary married couple.
- I said no quarrels.

- It's rather strong Mr. Brandon.
- You think so?

Well, if you keep your part of the
agreement, I'll be very generous.

We'll go to the prize
fights, but the slightest slip...

and you'll find
yourself at the Russian ballet.

Oh, I must explain, this
is sort of a buffet supper.

Buffet supper?

You see, the servants
are going to a ball tonight.

I think one should
consider them now and then.

After all, these are pretty unsettled
times, you can't ride them too hard.

- That's what starts revolutions.
- Yes, Michael let me warn you.

The Russians are
dancing three ballets tonight.

Cupid and Psyche, A Toy Shop in Old Moscow...

- and The Glow Worm's Birthday.
- I'll behave.

- What's the matter?
- You smell something?

- No.
- There must be onions around here.

Oh yes, right there.

Onions, that darn fool knows I can't
be in the same room with onions.

Oh, Michael, Michael be
calm, I can meet this crisis.

- Very nice of you.
- It's all right.

Oh no, no champagne, the
cocktail was quite strong enough.

Now, let's keep the conversation
very impersonal so there won't be the...

- slightest temptation to quarrel.
- All right, any subject you want.

Oh, the choice is entirely yours Michael,
art, music, history, the League of Nations.

- Anything doesn't interest you.
- Fine, I'll make it as dull as I can.

- Thank you.
- And here's to you.

1643 to 1715.

- 1643 to 1715?
- Louis XIV.

Won the Battle of Steenkirke in 1692.

- Got mixed up with madame Du Barry.
- Michael...

- Well, that's history, isn't it?
- It's a sad chapter.

Oh, this caviar is salty.

Oh, speaking of music...

do you remember the waltz they were
playing when King Louis died of smallpox?

I don't remember any waltz.

And after the king died, oil
went up two and a half points.

- I don't remember any waltz.
- I'll play it for you.

I don't suppose you'd be interested
in a purely impersonal dance?

- Michael, the prize fight starts at 8:30.
- Oh, what if we do miss the preliminary?

All right.

But let me warn you,
don't make this a preliminary.

Michael, I warn you.

Oh, that caviar was so salty.

♪ Looky, looky, looky, here comes
Cookie, walking down the street. ♪

♪ Looky, looky, looky, I call her
Cookie, call she's sweet. ♪

Oh, Michael, you're
making me cry. Oh, that's not fair.

♪ Looky, looky, looky I call her
Cookie, because she takes the cake. ♪

You know, in a department
store, that's where I met you.

- Yes, you called me the stripey type.
- Oh and I meant every stripe of it.

Oh, I could've taken you in my arms
and kissed you right then and there.

♪ Looky, looky, looky, here
comes Cookie, got to fix my tie. ♪

Why, Michael, you look so different.

I don't understand it, you don't
look like a multimillionaire anymore.

You look like a man with
100,000 dollars or even less.

Oh no Michael, no, no Michael, no.

You promised me Michael.

No, no, you promised.
No, no, no Michael. No, let me go Michael.

You don't want me to, you're just pretending.

No Michael, between you and me
there's a whole world of seven wives.

Stop being jealous, I tell
you I've forgotten they exist.

Oh, that's just it, you
buy wives just like, like shirts...

and after you've worn
them you toss them away.

Don't talk yourself into a laundry complex.

Nicole.

No Michael, no, Michael.
Don't do that Michael.

Oh, Nicole, be sensible, I mean,
don't be sensible, don't hide your emotions.

Oh Michael. Oh, why did I eat that caviar?

You're nothing but a silly little
thing, how can a girl be so foolish?

Why aren't you nice to me?

Nicole, please Nicole.

You love me, I can tell it,
you're trembling in my arms.

Now, tell me you love me.
Say it, you're my wife Nicole.

- Michael?
- Yes?

Kiss me.

- What's that?
- Kiss me Michael, kiss me.

So you want me to kiss you, eh? Well,
not so quick young lady, you kept me waiting.

Oh? So you thought you could
master Michael Brandon, eh?

- Kiss me.
- Now, what does a nice girl say, eh?

Please. Please.

That's better, if you're
going to talk to me like that, Ok.

You animal, you double crossing
animal, just one low trick after another.

You've cheated the life out of
me, you've bitten me and now this.

Why don't are you...

Well, now let's try to be calm.
Let's behave like human beings.

Now look...

- Now look here Nicole, I married you...
- No, you didn't, you bought me.

- Well then, fulfill your contract.
- Oh, Michael...

now you're Mr. Brandon
again, the multi-millionaire.

Oh, cut it out, you can't be so stupid as
to believe that I made a contract which...

- guarantees you 50,000...
- No, 100,000.

- Well, you're not going to get a cent of it.
- No, of course not, not before the divorce.

I knew that's what you were driving at.

From the minute we
signed the marriage license.

- And do you think that's honest?
- No, but it's good business.

- Do you know...
- Careful.

Do you know what we call
people like you in America? Crooks.

- You mean crooks?
- I mean crooks.

That's exactly what we call them in France.

Michael, I'm your worst investment, I
don't pay any dividends and I'm proud of it.

- That's robbery, it's a swindle.
- It's a holdup.

You're much too rich Michael.
Oh Michael, let's have some of that money..

If you want a divorce Nicole,
you're going about it the wrong way.

Oh, really?

You don't understand my fundamental
characteristic, it's tenacity.

I'm tenacious,
that's why I'm where I am today.

- Where's that, Michael?
- Well, it's...

The more trouble a thing
gives me, the harder I fight for it.

If I let the word failure creep into
my vocabulary just once, I'm lost.

And as long as you
treat me as you do, I'll give up...

eating and drinking, but I won't let you go.

Well then, I'm afraid
we're tied together for life.

If necessary, I can always hang
on a half hour longer than you.

- Oh, it promises to be quite a fight Michael.
- And remember, my nerves are made of iron.

I fought Canadian Tin single-handed
and left them yelling for help.

Oh, but I won't be fair, I,
I'll knife you in the back.

I'll kick, I'll bite, I'll scratch, I...

I'll fight you with every
vegetable at my disposal.

- Is it possible to talk to you quietly?
- Yes.

Now listen, you want a
divorce as soon as possible.

Yes.

Let me give you a tip,
stop keeping me at a distance.

Be nice to me and in three weeks I'll probably
beg you on my knees to give me a divorce.

Oh, that's very tempting Mike.
That wouldn't be fair to my future husband.

Your future husband?

Why naturally, I, I'm
going to marry again someday.

A woman can't take care
of 100,000 dollars a year all alone.

Why don't I take you right here
and crush you like a matchbox?

What's preventing me? These walls
are pretty thick, we'll settle this...

Elysée 34530.

Hello, Pepinard and Pepinard?

This is Mr. Brandon speaking,
I'm still waiting for Mr. Pepinard.

He left 10 minutes ago?
Well, you'd told me that a half an hour ago.

- Nicole.
- Hello Albert.

You wouldn't mind
giving a poor bank clerk a lift?

Come right in.

They say at the bank that your
husband is going to Brussels.

Yes, this afternoon.

Well, Brussels is 400 kilometers from Paris.

Why Albert, you're an atlas.

Well, if he takes the afternoon train, he
can't possibly catch the night train...

which leaves there at 12:45 for Paris.

You're a timetable too.

Nicole, don't you see what I'm driving at?

- No.
- Oh?

- Nicole?
- Yes Albert?

Well...

Now look here Albert...

even if my husband went to China,
which is 10,000 kilometers away,

it still wouldn't do you any good to...

I've told you so a dozen times.

- Oh hello?
- Hello.

Oh, you've grown a mustache.

Say, I've...

You're a fine detective monsieur Pepinard.

I told the butler I'm your doctor.

Listen, I'm in a hurry,
I've got to catch a train to Brussels.

What did you find out about my wife?

Mr. Brandon, your wife's
conduct leaves nothing to be desired.

- There is no other man, I can guarantee it.
- How about those anonymous letters?

- You know who writes those letters?
- Who?

- Mrs. Brandon herself.
- I don't believe it.

- Have you any proof?
- Sure please, here it is.

The same handwriting as the others.

I saw Mrs. Brandon deposit this letter
in the mailbox this morning at 11:18.

Mr. Michael Brandon,
Hotel Metropole, Brussels.

Intended to greet you
upon your arrival at Brussels.

- How did you get this letter?
- Mr. Brandon, the letter is here.

How I got it? Let that remain a
secret between me and the mailbox.

Mr. Brandon...

Tonight at your business
conference, when you are trying to put...

something over on your
associates in Brussels, your wife...

will be putting something over on you.
Too bad you didn't stay at home. A friend.

Perfectly simple, neglected wife
wants to make husband jealous.

Jealous nothing, she wants a divorce.

She wants to shake my nerves to pieces
so I can't attend to my business anymore.

But I'm going to fool her.

I'll go to Brussels, all right. That's
what I'll tell her, only I'm not going.

I'm coming back unexpectedly
in the middle of the night...

and surprise her with this mysterious Mr. X.

- But there is no Mr. X.
- That's just it, I'm going to laugh at her.

I'm going to have some fun
and will she be embarrassed.

- I'm going to make her feel that small.
- That's very small Mr. Brandon.

I'm going to cure that young lady.

- Thank you very much Mr. Pepinard, goodbye.
- Au revoir Mr. Brandon.

By the way, my wife doesn't
suspect that you followed her?

She doesn't even know that I exist.

Don't forget Pepinard and
Pepinard is a first class firm.

You will find that out when you get our bill.

- Au revoir.
- Goodbye.

- Au revoir Monsieur Pepinard.
- Au revoir madame Brandon.

Come in.

- You must've mistaken me for someone else.
- Sit down monsieur Pepinard, sit down.

You followed me monsieur
Pepinard, so I followed you.

You live at 110 Rue Du Regard.

A nice apartment, but
it doesn't get much sun.

But please madame I...

Oh, I know that doesn't mean much to you...

but don't forget monsieur Pepinard,
your wife has to stay home all day...

and she's such a pretty little woman.

- Oh, thank you very much.
- A little plump.

But it gives her a certain charm
and what an engaging smile.

- Yeah.
- It's too bad she has such a vile temper.

Hasn't she?

I can imagine what she's like in an argument.

Oh no, you can't.

You'd better be careful, monsieur Pepinard.

If she ever finds out that you're
going around with that little...

salesgirl from the
delicatessen store on the corner.

Who by the way, is going
around with someone else...

With whom?

- What did you tell my husband?
- You're asking too much madame, please.

Well, if your wife finds out
about the delicatessen store?

Well madame, in order to save
my home, I confess I told him everything.

He knows about the letters,
he knows there is no other man.

He's coming back unexpectedly
tonight to surprise you and to laugh at you.

Well, maybe we can surprise Mr. Brandon,
you're going to help me monsieur Pepinard.

- I need a man for tonight.
- Oh no, not me.

- When my husband comes back...
- And he finds somebody here?

He won't laugh anymore.

But you must consider that
Mr. Brandon is a very strong man...

there is apt to be a terrible fight.

Well then, get me someone who can fight back.

I'll pay him 5,000 francs,
and I won't tell on you.

Very well then.
A prizefighter will be the best way out.

How much does your husband weigh?

- I don't know him that well.
- I had better get a heavyweight.

Yes, have him here at 10 o'clock and
have him as well-dressed as possible.

You can rely on me madame.

- Au revoir.
- Au revoir monsieur.

Yes Michael? You shaved your mustache.

Well, goodbye Nicole.
I'm starting for Brussels.

Oh, I'd forgotten all about that.
How long will you be gone?

- Does that really interest you?
- Frankly, no.

You think I'm pretty
much of a fool, don't you?

Yes.

- Well, goodbye Nicole.
- Goodbye Michael.

- I'm Kid Mulligan.
- Yes, I'm Mrs. Brandon, come in.

Yes, come in.

- Sit down.
- Thanks madam.

- We may have to wait a little while.
- Oh, that's all right.

- You understand the situation, I suppose?
- Yes madam, I get the whole setup.

And I certainly appreciate
this opportunity Mrs. Brandon.

You don't know how tough it is for
an American to get a fight in Paris.

And I won't disappoint you.
I'm all steamed up, ready to go.

Yes.

You know, I don't want you
to really hurt my husband.

Oh, I'll carry him along,
just keep away with a left jab.

A left? What did that do exactly?

Well, I might split
his lip or cut his eye a little.

Oh, that sounds
terrible, you mustn't do that.

- Well, I got to defend myself.
- Oh, of course.

Oh, but split and cut, it sounds horrible.

Couldn't you do
something a little more civilized?

You know, just pick him up
and throw him in a corner?

Oh no, that's wrestling.

I'll tell you what, why
you let me knock him out?

Knock him out? Oh, for heaven's sake, no.

Oh, all you people got the
wrong idea about a knockout.

If you hit a guy on the right
spot, down he goes like a light.

- No pain?
- Pain? No.

- You dream like a baby.
- I can't believe it.

- Oh, I'm speaking from experience.
- Have you been knocked out?

Plenty and believe me, there's
nothing like it, what a sensation.

Once I hit the canvas with a bang...

and the next minute there I was in a Japanese
garden with them pink cherry blossoms.

Another time, I was
floating over Constantinople.

I tell you, you get to see countries
you otherwise couldn't afford to visit.

It sounds perfectly wonderful.

And the time I fought Battleship McCarthy,
boy, I'll never forget that second round.

Now, I ask you Mrs. Brandon,
where is there another racket...

where a man of my weight
can feel like a flying fish?

All right then, do it.
No, don't do it, it's too good for him.

Come on Mrs.
Brandon, don't be so hard-boiled.

No, no, no, no, he doesn't deserve it. Why
should he dream is in a Japanese garden?

After what he's done to me?

I should pay 5,000 francs so that he can
feel like a flying fish? No, no never.

But Mrs. Brandon, he's your
husband, you must've loved him once.

- Let's not talk about it.
- Oh, come on Mrs. Brandon, give him a break.

- Have a heart.
- All right, knock him out, sit down.

Come in.

Come in, what's the matter with you?
Why don't you come in?

Surprised, eh? What are you staring at?

I love you Michael but it's good for you.

Good night.

Oh, you've ruined my whole plan, you idiot.

It serves you right, bringing me a
handbag in the middle of the night.

- You've spoiled everything.
- I'm tired, I want to go home.

Albert, oh I'm so sorry, Albert, poor Albert.

Where did he hit you? Show Nicole.

- Here.
- Here?

- There.
- Right here? Right here Albert?

Hello, Nicole.

Oh, hello Michael.

- I, I thought you were in Brussels.
- Surprised to see me back?

Naturally. Oh, but it
doesn't make any difference.

- You look a little nervous.
- Why should I be nervous?

Husband comes home unexpectedly.

Why, you don't think for a
moment that I have anything to hide?

No, I really don't. Well, I
think I'll go and get some sleep.

Oh, if, if you have the slightest
doubt, why don't you go in?

Let me tell you something, I'm
going to fool you, I'm going in.

Oh no Michael. No Michael, you can't do that.

Quiet please.

Oh no.

You worm, you miserable little
pipsqueak, I'm going to...

- Here.
- Oh, Michael please don't hurt him.

- Hurt him? I'm going to wring his neck.
- No Michael, he just came to bring a handbag.

Now look here...

You made a nervous wreck out of me, you
tortured me, you took my pride away...,

my self-respect and I stood for it.

But if you try to tell me that he just came
here to bring a handbag, I'll kill you.

- Get out.
- Yes Albert, get out, go home.

- I can't go.
- I said go.

I can't go while you're sitting on my pants.

Well Nicole, you win.

Someone had to win.

I got to hand it to you, you're
the first person that ever licked me.

You wanted to hurt me and you did.

Well, come on, why don't you laugh?

I'll send my lawyer round in the
morning, you can get the divorce.

Oh no Michael,
after all, I'm the guilty party...

it's only fair that I should take the blame.

Well now, look here Nicole.

For several reasons, I think I
should appear to be the guilty party.

Oh, I forgot? Your reputation.

Oh, of course Michael,
naturally, I'll get the divorce.

The world will never
know what really happened.

As far as the public is concerned...

Michael Brandon
has tired of another wife and walked out.

Another feather in your cap.

- Well, goodbye Michael.
- Goodbye, Nicole.

Well, goodbye Professor and
thank you a thousand times.

- You really feel well monsieur Potin?
- Well, simply wonderful.

I must've been in pretty bad shape though.

Now tell me, have you ever
had a case like mine before?

Frankly, no.

It's common enough for people to believe that
they're Alexander the Great or Napoleon.

We're prepared for that, but for
a man to imagine he's a chicken...

Well, I should say that's
quite out of the ordinary.

Professor, I'll never forget
that terrible morning when I...

flew into the kitchen
and said to the cook, Anna...

where are the noodles?
Quick, make soup out of me.

Strange what the stock market can do to one.

Well, well, that's all over now.

Thanks to you and your
splendid system of self suggestion.

- Goodbye monsieur Potin and good luck.
- Hey boy, come here, give me a paper.

Merci monsieur.

You keep quiet or I'll come down.
And not another egg out of you.

I feel fine, it was a nice day
yesterday, will be a nice day today...

it'll be a nice day tomorrow. I feel
fine, I feel fine, I feel very fine.

I feel fine, it was a nice day
yesterday, it's a nice day today...

it'll be a nice day tomorrow. I feel
fine, I feel fine, I feel very fine.

I feel fine, I feel fine, I feel very fine.

Was a nice day yesterday,
it's a nice day today...

I feel fine, I like mutton stew.

I liked mutton stew yesterday, I like mutton
stew today, I'll like mutton stew tomorrow.

I feel fine, I feel fine, I feel very fine.

Oh please Nurse, won't you be human?

You are not to see Mr.
Brandon under any circumstances.

Oh, you must let me in.
Can't you take me as a patient?

I'm very sorry madame.

Even if I were to let you in,
it wouldn't do you any good.

He wouldn't listen
to anything you had to say.

Why, the mere mention of
your name makes him violent.

If Mr. Brandon knew you were under
the same roof, he'd jump out the window.

We can't take the risk,
so please madame, goodbye.

It's no use Father,
they won't let me see him.

They won't even let me
talk to Professor Urganzeff.

So? Professor Urganzeff
won't talk to a de Loiselle.

Well.

Yes sir?

Will you step in please?

Yes Father?

Nicole.

What happened?

- You bought it?
- It was a bargain.

Nothing.

Hello Michael. How? Oh, I beg your pardon.

- You get out.
- But darling...

And get out of here quick, you
know what you are? You are a...

I've never said that to a woman
before and I won't say it now.

I feel fine, I feel fine, I feel very fine.

Get out of here.

Now, be reasonable Michael. No no, there's
no use struggling, you have to listen.

You know, it cost me a great deal to get this
interview with you, you ought to be proud.

Why do you think a woman puts a man
into a straitjacket? Because she loves him.

Love? You're a fine
one to be talking about love.

Wouldn't be my wife when you should've been.

The only kiss I got out of that
marriage was smothered in onions.

- Well, let me kiss you now.
- Get out of here.

Hello. Oh, just a moment. New York.

Hello. Oh, it's you Jeff.

What I've decided about oil? Well listen,
I don't feel like talking business right now.

No, no, I'm not sore. I'm in
a straitjacket, call me later.

And now, clear out please.

Michael, is it Albert?
Is that what's troubling you?

No, no, I know that was a
put-up job and it's just as bad.

Now look here, you got your
money, that's what you wanted.

That's what you always thought.

Believe me, Michael, I loved
you from the moment I saw you...

but you made it impossible.
I had to break you down.

I didn't want to be just another
girl in the Brandon Follies.

Well, you haven't broken me down.

Oh no, things have
changed for us both Michael.

If I take you now,
you can be sure I love you.

I'm free, independent, rich.
We're on equal terms Michael.

Oh no, we're not.

You're in a straitjacket,
and my arms are free.

As a matter of fact, you're
in my power darling, sit down.

- You...
- No, no, no, no.

You never said that to a woman
before and don't say it now.

Please Michael, have a chair.

- Get away from me.
- No, now don't be afraid Michael.

Whatever may happen, I'm
willing to take the consequences.

- I'll marry you.
- I hate you.

No, no, no, no, no, you love me.

You ran away from me, that proves it.

You've stayed single for six months for...

the first time since you
were thrown out of college.

And why? Because you
couldn't forget me Michael.

And they've been six
miserable months for me too.

Why? Because I couldn't
forget you, that's love Michael.

- Stop tickling my face.
- That's not tickling, that's caressing.

- Then don't caress me.
- Then don't pay any attention to it.

You better save your energy,
I'm never going to marry again.

You've never been married
before, not my kind of marriage.

For keeps, forever Michael.

Stop caressing me.

No, that's tickling now, you're so
mixed up in your emotions darling.

Wait till I get out of this
straitjacket, what I'll do to you...

Oh, I can hardly wait
Michael, Michael, Michael.

Get away from me.
Stop doing that, Nicole please.

- This doesn't mean a thing to me.
- No, no.

- And it's not going to mean a thing to me.
- No, no.

I feel fine, I feel fine, I feel very fine.

Oh please Nicole, stop.
That isn't fair, Nicole.

Nothing.

Let me up Nicole, Nicole, let me...

- Michael...
- Shut up.

Nothing.