Blue Iguana (2018) - full transcript
Ex-jailbirds Eddie and Paul are on parole and working in a New York diner. Their lives are a dead end. That is, until English lawyer Katherine Rookwood walks into the diner with an offer they can't refuse.
You know what?
Our movie's got to have
a beautiful happy ending.
It's gotta be unpredictable,
like a fun indie vibe;
black and white; lens flare.
It's got to have lens flare,
let's not forget.
A tentative title
I'm thinking right now--
you tell me what you think--
is "Cold Dreams."
Hey.
Hey, what'd I just say?
What's the title of my work?
Eddie!
Are you listening to me?
I've got gas.
You got your anti-acids?
No.
All right, beautiful, OK.
Maybe you'll come back soon?
And she's gone.
What is that?
This?
Female sanitary appliance.
The elite bodyguards
all carry them.
You want to know why?
The second you start bleeding,
I pop this shit in.
Blood stops.
It stops the bleeding.
I can save you goddamn life.
And get rid of the
comic book also.
She's going to be here
in like five minutes.
Hey.
Hello.
I'm slightly early.
Is it Katherine?
Yeah.
Take a seat.
You want something to eat?
Some lunch would be--
would be nice.
Well, we make an
incredible hot dog.
- What do you say?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, man, let me get a hot dog,
soda, and fries, por favor.
Diet orange soda.
Diet orange soda.
You got it.
What are these?
I think those are
the steaks, Louie.
No shit, genius.
Why did you pull them
out of the freezer?
It's for the dinner crowd.
No, you're not supposed
to use these, ass wipe.
You're supposed to use the
one in storage next door.
Manny, put these steaks
back in the freezer.
Get me 20 sirloins
from storage next door.
What's the matter with you, huh?
You're shit for brains,
I told you.
I told you what
steaks to sell here.
One more time, both of you,
I'm gonna violate you
to your parole officer.
You hear me?
You'll be upstate in a heartbeat.
You got it?
Hey, credit card machine
is still on the fritz, Louie.
Yeah, well, you keep
taking cash till it's fixed.
Yeah.
As you know...
I'm so sorry,
there's so much in your mouth.
As you know,
you were recommended to me
by Thomas Tresham,
client of mine.
Who?
British Tommy.
Oh, Tommy.
He recommended you highly.
Client how?
I was his lawyer in London.
You're a lawyer?
An item will be delivered
at a location next week.
I want you to intercept the
delivery and bring it to me.
Yeah, we can do that, baby.
The man making the
exchange has guards.
He will meet and exchange
the package with others.
Fee is $20,000 each.
Well, the going
rate's $30,000 each.
I'm not going to go
higher than $20,000.
That's inclusive
of two passports.
Hey, wait a minute.
Gig's not here?
No, it's in London next week.
Next-- you came all the way
from London, England for us?
This isn't really my field.
Mr. Tresham is my sole
contact in this area.
Well, that's tough luck.
Our parole's conditional on us
maintaining employment here.
Plus, your offer's way too long,
especially if going
to jump the pond.
How much do I owe you?
You know what?
There's got to be way we can
work this out, don't you think?
I mean, we haven't even thought
it through for a second.
Maybe we could talk about it.
Is this diner a chain?
Yeah, a real shitty,
shitty chain.
If I can sort out your parole
issues and this establishment,
would you agree to the
venture at my price?
Knock yourself out.
Break's over ladies.
Louie?
Yes, darling.
You buy cheap stock--
steaks, on this occasion,
with your own money,
and you store them next door.
If 20 steaks are ordered,
you serve the cheap steaks
you bought, not the
ones on the premises
that are bought by the company.
You don't fix the
credit card machine,
so everyone pays in cash.
You keep the cash for yourself.
If head office get suspicious
and checks the stock,
they'll find it's all
still here on the premises
in the freezer unused.
And it's all very illegal.
Eddie's going away for a week.
And he's gonna be
with his friend Paul.
Yes, with Paul.
You're going to call
their parole officer,
say you're sending them
away on a catering course,
as they're doing so well,
and that they'll be
unable to attend.
Otherwise, I'm going to
call head office, tell them
about your illegal activities,
which I assure you,
will result in your prosecution.
Do we have an agreement?
Hey, Louie, you're a
disgrace to the restaurant
business, you fuckin' skunk.
Katherine, we're in.
- No, we're not in.
- We're not in.
We're not in yet.
$30,000 each or no deal.
$20,000 and no higher.
$30,000.
You need me.
- Us.
- Us.
Yeah.
Agreed.
Fuck yeah.
On one condition--
no one gets harmed.
If it's them or us, I know who
I'm choosing there, princess.
Don't call me that.
Yoga?
You look healthy.
I've been meaning to say
for the past few days.
I do tai chi myself.
It's a soft martial art.
Keeps me supple.
He does look
good, though, right?
You do look good.
You do look good.
Cardio, that's what I do.
A panic attack
doesn't count as cardio.
Whatever.
Hey, you know what, Corny?
What do you say after this, we
talk about your acting career?
I'd be delighted to.
You ever tried the boards?
No, my good man.
I'm actually a film producer.
Can I just say
what a pleasure it is
to be working with you again?
I hope I didn't
inconvenience you
in requesting you
come to London,
but I couldn't think
of anyone I trust more.
Tommy, I don't
think we need the silencer.
If this shit hits the fan,
the louder, the better.
You know what I mean?
Take it off, please.
The louder, the better.
That's so wise.
What the?
Hey, man!
Why don't you like kitty cats?
Because dogs are better.
Dogs aren't better.
They're more independent.
Hands up, motherfucker.
Put your fucking
hands up right now.
Hands in the air--
there's a good chap--
or those lovely long
eyelashes will close forever.
Come here.
Come.
Come on.
Come on.
Come, come, come, come.
Drop the bag.
Drop the bag.
Drop the fuckin' bag.
Do what he says.
This guy's a fucking maniac.
Kick it over to me.
Kick it over to me.
Kick it over, man.
Nobody needs to get hurt.
OK, kick it over
to me right now.
Kick it over to me right now.
Are you fucking serious?
Come on, guys,
stop fucking around.
Are you fucking kidding me?
What are you, a fucking--
what do I do?
Pick it up.
I'm going to pick it up.
But nobody's going
to fucking move.
Do you hear me?
Nobody move.
Nobody fucking move.
I'm gonna pick it up.
Pick it up.
Nobody fucking move.
OK.
Keep the gun on him.
Hey, hey, hey.
Stay where you are.
Oh, all right.
Right.
Calm down.
Easy.
Hey.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Stay back.
Game over, man.
- It's over.
- Stay back.
Just chill out, man.
Hey, hey, hey, wait.
Easy.
Easy.
Easy.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Let's go.
Let's go.
- Let's go.
- Get it.
Get it.
Let's get the hell out of here.
Let's go!
Let's go!
Go!
Oh, hey there, all.
All ticketed, my old chaps?
Let's go.
Let's diggity-fuckin'-boot.
Oh, yes.
Hold on here.
Just, reverse, first.
OK, OK.
Drive the fucking car!
OK, calm down.
I hear the leaves in the trees
as they rustle in
the breeze up above.
My name's Dino O'Lynn and this
one's for Deacon and the lads.
Shout out, lads.
Yes, Dino.
Gold.
Bravo, Dino!
OK, from the top.
The Americans stole the bag.
They'll give it to
that cow tomorrow.
What do you do then?
Once we see the exchange,
that's when we move.
We take the bag and
anything else, no prisoners.
What don't you do?
Look inside the bag.
Straight after you get the bag,
you goes to this address.
Call me.
Sit tight.
No other calls.
You don't leave for food,
smokes, girls, nothing.
You wait for me.
Oy, Billy Ray Cyrus,
how many times have I told you
to fix that bloody door?
Fix it!
Dexter and I are going upstairs
for a business meeting.
Do not call me.
Do not disturb me.
Hand over a bottle of red.
Come on!
Evening, Mrs. Bradshaw.
Fuck off, George.
You stink of ketchup and farts.
More business, Mom?
Did you book the
tickets to Barbados?
No.
Do it!
I'm not gonna spend all
year in this fucking dump.
Look at it.
I gave birth to a
fucking haircut.
Just like his fucking dad.
Doesn't he look silly boys, eh?
Fucking stupid.
Change of plan.
I'm going with you.
You stay here, lock up.
You two, come with me.
We ain't open.
Scrambled eggs on toast, $2.95.
You're a troublemaker?
Plain omelet, $3.95.
Oy, mullethead, was it...
double denim day, yeah?
This jacket was me dad's.
You want to bring your
dad down here, yeah?
I'd take you and your dad.
My dad's dead.
Good.
Yeah.
OK.
That's right.
You all right?
I had a bunch of queers trying
it on just a minute ago.
I've lost a button.
I've lost a button.
Get some aprons on.
Wakey, wakey.
Rise and shine, Hong Kong Fui.
Come on.
There's a good lad.
Show me a room where
I can lock you in.
There's a pantry just--
just down-- just down there.
Mind your hair when
you go down there.
I meant your head,
not your hair on there.
My dad had his hair like this.
I love your dad.
I wish he was still alive,
your dad.
Hey, I--
I didn't mean it.
I wasn't-- I was a--
I'll have a coffee.
All right, all cool.
And you think a person thrown
and killed from a great height
is all cool?
That was--
that was unavoidable.
You can't-- that was--
by the way, he even tripped.
It wasn't even--
- That's an act of God.
- You can't do anything.
You're a lawyer.
You know about that.
I assumed you
were professionals.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
We are professional.
What did you just say?
We had an agreement--
no one seriously injured.
Cut the shit, and hand over
our cash, you little brat.
Come on, give me my money.
Christ, what is this,
a Mary Poppins bag?
What the fuck is this?
It's short.
It's fucking way short.
Well, the agreement was
$30,000 each and no
one seriously hurt,
but you didn't adhere to that.
So as a penalty, it drops to my
original offer of $20,000 each.
Are you--
I'll tell you what.
You take the hamburger,
and I'll take the filet mignon.
Give it to me.
- No.
- Give it to me.
- No.
- Give it to me.
Give it to me. Just give it.
Come on.
- Come on.
- No.
Thank you.
What was that?
Watch her.
Watch the rucksack.
Don't move.
Don't fucking move.
Watch her good.
You hear me?
Who's the dead
dude in the kitchen?
- What?
- Yeah.
Who's the dead dude
in the kitchen?
I know nothing about that.
Who the fuck
are these two people?
I don't know.
Come on. Come on.
See, it's OK.
Just tell us.
You wanted them to take care
of us and then keep the money.
- Is that it?
- No.
Don't move.
Stop.
Who's the bag for?
That's not your concern.
Yes, it is our fucking concern.
Someone tries kill us,
it's our concern, princess.
- Stop calling me that.
- Everyone makes mistakes.
I wanna-- can I talk
to you in private--
in private, just you and me,
just talking in private?
Don't look.
Look away for one second.
We're gonna talk for a second.
It's OK, just--
Do you have any idea
what's inside this bag?
Kitty cats?
I don't know.
No, no, not kitty cats--
bearer bonds, about $800,000--
$800 fucking thousand.
She didn't tell us that.
What the fuck will
we do with them?
We fence the bonds,
get the fuck out of dodge.
What are we still
doing here, right?
Better to be on the run with a ton
of money than nothing at all.
Can you hear that?
Yeah, she's--
- She can fucking hear everything.
- Use your indoor voice.
OK, this is it for me.
What do you think, fence it?
You think she
knew about these guys?
Where did she go?
Where's the rucksack?
Katherine.
Arkady.
What a surprise.
Would you like some breakfast,
coffee, croissant?
I shouldn't.
Well, tell us what happened.
I waited for the Americans
to collect the bonds.
They did.
Two men arrived.
They attacked us.
She's lying.
The Americans fought them off.
I managed to slip
away with the bag.
Ugly cow is lying.
Why would my men do such a thing?
Continue.
I still have the Americans' money.
I think it's best if we pay them off.
They've done nothing wrong.
Well, thank you for all your help.
You are now debt-free.
I'll be sorry to lose your services.
So I can pay the Americans off?
No, we'll take care of
the Americans ourselves.
Why take a chance?
Just--
just tell us where they are.
As your legal advisor,
I think it's best if we don't add
murder to your current issues.
And, um, I don't want
to be an accessory.
Are you asking me for a favor?
A favor that's in your interest.
Well, if I do this favor
for you, it'll mean you still
owe me the same amount.
The debt would be back on.
That's not fair.
I've done everything that--
Fine.
Bastard! Fucking...
Fuck.
Fuck it!
I'm going to choose to believe
that you sent your two
men to simply collect the
bonds, as I instructed,
but then, they took
it upon themselves
to attack the Americans
and take everything
without your knowledge.
No, no, no, no.
I'm choosing to believe you
had nothing to do with it.
Arkady, I swear on my--
I swear on my mother's--
Deacon, you...
repulsive testicle,
those two mean of yours
will show up somewhere.
I'm going to meet your
friends downstairs.
You stay here till I get back.
Do not move from this spot.
Piggy, yeah?
Come on.
Come with me.
Two large baguettes.
Chicks, you know what I mean?
Chicks shapeshifting.
At least we'll be back
in the US tomorrow, right?
Out of this shithole
of a fucking country.
Yeah, that's right.
- Hello?
- Who's that?
Yeah, fine.
Fucking fine.
It was Katherine.
She's on her way up.
Tommy must have
told her where we were.
You let her up here,
now, right now?
Yeah.
Right-- of course you let her up.
You're a genius.
That's awesome.
Coming to take more of our money?
Because we don't have
any more, thanks to you.
I came to explain and apologize.
Apologize?
For stabbing us in the back?
- I saved your life.
- How do you s--
Will you let me explain?
Arkady is the man who
organized the job.
I owed him a substantial
amount of money.
Getting you to steal the bonds
was how I'd pay him back.
Well, we're delighted
you're off the hook.
Arkady wanted you both dead.
I convinced him not to
do it but at great cost.
I am now back in debt to him.
One of his people, an animal
by the name of Deacon Bradshaw,
sent those two men
to steal everything.
I think you're full of shit.
Well, I think you were
going to sell the bonds,
leaving me at Arkady's mercy.
Oh, you don't know--
Arkady's planning something.
- Who cares?
- I care.
I do. I care.
Arkady and Deacon met three men
involved with him previously,
serious armed robbers.
I'm sure Arkady is using the
bonds to fund an arch robbery
I thought that, um,
it might be something
we could take advantage of,
capitalize on, all of us.
That's why she came back,
not to apologize.
Come on. Let's go.
Let's go, honey.
Let's go.
Come on.
Let's go.
It's a no.
You're here illegally
with forged passports.
You violated your parole.
You've committed a
robbery and a murder.
If the police were
informed, you spend
the rest of your life locked up,
probably never see
your country again.
You threatening me?
You're in this just as
much as we are, princess.
I'm not involved
in the slightest.
And whatever you say,
they'll believe me over a pair
of convicted criminals.
Oh, and let's not forget
the museum CCTV footage of
your recent shambolic endeavor.
You know, I think they'll
be able to match your faces,
despite your mastery of
disguise with baseball caps.
Oh, no, I think they worked.
They were shit.
I'll be upstairs in
the bar for 15 minutes.
Excuse me.
What's shambolic?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
What's wrong with me?
What are you talking about?
It's a no?
You said it's a no like
five fucking times.
- It's a no.
- It's a no?
She could call the cops on us.
She could-- calm down.
Lower your fucking voice.
She could call the cops on us.
We're going to listen
to what she has to say.
What are you wearing?
Are you-- what are
you Ron Jeremy?
This is what--
this is what I wear--
Please, God.
--when I get out of the shower,
and I don't want to put
on pants, and I want
to feel like a goddamn man.
Please take that off.
In the name of baby Jesus,
take that thing off.
I am so sorry.
What is this?
You put on a shirt?
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Are you trying to
look pretty for someone?
Is it for me?
Do you want to
look pretty for me?
Maybe.
No, I don't think it's me.
Hello, handsome.
You all right, lads?
How's the knee?
Better.
Looks fantastic.
You?
I think I need a dentist.
We're sorry about
everything, sir.
It's not a problem.
You kept quiet, yeah?
Not a word.
Shut up ever since.
You are?
Yeah.
Well, we're gonna get you
a doctor, get you a dentist--
dentist, give you some cash,
send you away somewhere.
Get some sun till
things die down.
How would you fancy Spain?
Sounds good, boss.
You two hungry?
Fish and chips?
Yeah.
Can I have a private word?
Yeah.
Be back in a jiffy.
Chips and curry sauce.
Shishkabob.
Mush and peas.
Please, Deacon, Please.
Please, Deacon.
Please.
We get in there, you
let me do the talking, OK?
- You got it.
- I got this.
You're gonna give me the ball.
You're the captain.
I know exactly what to say.
- Run like OJ.
- Yes.
Take off your glasses.
We're not going to do it.
Do you want me
to call the police?
Yeah, go ahead.
Good luck with
everything, hambone,
because we're not gonna do it.
What is it that you want?
If we're going
to help, whatever
you got already planned--
I know you got something
already planned--
we want 80%, not 50%.
80%, not 50-50.
Do you understand?
Not 50-50.
That's not fair.
What do you mean
it's not fair?
We're not here to
bargain with you, princess.
- You need me.
- Us.
Us.
I need a moment to process
this information.
Take your moment.
Are you do-- is it happening?
20% will be sufficient.
Yes!
20-- sorry, 20% will be good.
All right, when this
is finished, I'm gone.
This is-- I'm done.
You understand?
I'm out of here.
That means I'm getting on a jet plane,
going across the pond
back to where I belong.
You understand?
You got me?
Do you copy that?
She got it.
80%.
Pineapple.
All right, chop, chop.
Great to be working
with you again, Eddie.
Right.
Sorry, could you concentrate?
Yeah.
Across this street
is Deacon's pub.
He lives there with
every illegal activity
that Arkady funds through it.
I suggest that we
monitor it, follow him
and his associates from here.
Our entrance is on a
completely different street.
Deacon won't see
us come in or out.
Our base-- we'll live here.
What's that smell?
Oh, sorry.
Good?
Makes sense.
I like it.
Dart board, I dig it.
What are you fucking crazy?
This mural's amazing.
- This place is a shit hole.
- We've got a lot of space.
I like--
They're painting
over the fucking feces.
You don't even smell that?
Smells like a gorilla
shit in his head and then
ate it and then shit
again on the ground.
You better get me a
hotel, because I'm
not fucking staying here.
Yeah, good.
Um, I've rented it.
There's food here in the fridge.
Bedding's in the other room.
Toiletries--
What the fuck is this?
You expect us to use
this cheap, waxy shit?
Well, if you want
more expensive items,
you'll have to pay for
them out of your pocket.
Now, as we're all
participating equally,
but I'm the sole person
who's forwarding funds,
I will want my share of
these purchase and the rent
on successful completion.
I've got an itemized bill with
receipts of my spend so far.
You are going to need
surveillance items.
Please list them,
but no purchases
will be made until everyone's
given the all-clear.
Agreed?
Nice--
nice..
Is that what you call them?
- Unique.
- Yes.
Crazy.
What if I do this like that, go
in there, Hong Kong Fu--
Interrupt me again, and I
will snap your fucking arm off,
Cornelius.
Listen up!
This is my high-end
moisturized toilet paper.
Nobody fuckin' uses it.
Do you understand?
Huh?
Do you fucking understand?
For next week?
Lunch?
Bye.
Um.
Why don't you get some sleep?
It's my shift.
Yeah.
Are always the best.
I'm sorry?
Come again?
In the '60s space race, NASA
were faced with the problem
of inventing a pen for
their astronauts that
would write in zero gravity--
spent million, eventually came
up with a pen that worked.
The Russians, faced
with the same problem,
gave their cosmonauts a pencil.
Are you a
Communist, Katherine?
Hey, dude, come on.
These are fun facts here.
Whether the story
is true or not,
the point is we have spent too
much time on a complex problem
while overlooking the
elegant, a simple solution
that's right before our eyes.
Is that how you figured out
about Louie and the steaks?
Well, that was obvious.
Total moron would've
spotted that.
I bought napkins, you know,
if you want to get a little--
I'm gonna-- yeah.
Hey.
My turn.
Any action?
No, nothing.
We know what we are
but not what we may be.
Wow.
Hey, how do you know
Katherine, anyway?
- She's my cousin.
- Really?
Yeah.
Why is she doing all this?
I mean, she's not exactly
the criminal type.
She was working
for a huge law firm.
Then, she met some
chap who convinced
her to give him her life
savings to start a business.
The business was going
under, so he asked
her to get a loan from Arkady.
She did, and the fucker
ran off with the money
and her best friend.
Next thing I know,
she's working solely
for Arkady to pay the debt off.
I tried to track him down,
but it was impossible.
Fucking snapped his neck.
On the porch.
I see him.
I'm on it.
I'm gonna follow him on foot.
My shift.
Yeah.
I actually may go for a walk.
I'm gonna go walk.
Go for a walk real quick.
Hello, darling.
What can I get you?
You can start by
getting me a beer.
- You're an American, are you?
- Yes, ma'am.
Say that again.
Yes, ma'am.
Well, I work for NASA.
No.
Yes, it's crazy.
Stephen Hawking got me the job.
But anyway, I had
to stop, because I
went on this insane mission.
One time, there was an asteroid
coming to earth, right?
Wow.
But we need to blow it
up, so it doesn't it earth.
We had to split it
into two, right?
But I came--
I'm so tired of
saving the world.
So I was like, you know what?
I'll just produce movies.
- I'm in the arts, you know.
- You?
What do you do?
Up there.
My pictures, you see?
You made those.
"Genital Fruits."
"Genital Fruits" is
what you call them.
My name's Dawn, by the way.
Teddy Roosevelt.
Oh, for fuck's sake, Dexter.
Excuse me.
I'm here at the
weekends usually.
Oh yeah?
No.
I told you it was over.
Now, off it.
Come on.
Good morning.
Top of the morning.
How did your--
your mission go?
Waste of time.
That bar was busy.
I couldn't understand
their accents, though.
They don't speak like you do.
No, they're old-school
working-class cockneys--
dying breed.
Kept saying the "C" word.
Cunt.
Yeah.
They kept saying "dog
and bone" and "throw
a pint down my Gregory."
Gregory Peck.
Yeah, throw-- throw a beer
down my Gregory Peck-- neck.
That's-- what is that?
It's rhyming,
Cockney rhyming slang.
Slang?
It's rhymes.
Dog and bone is, um, phone.
Cool. Dog and bone.
Gregory Peck neck.
Hey, mate.
Hey, mate.
Oy, mate.
Oy.
Innit?
Gregory Peck neck, innit--
innit?
Pretty good, huh?
I'll work on it.
Any tips?
Imagine you're chewing
on a sandwich whilst talking.
Right.
I'll bring my uncle Martin
and his pals in on this,
next time Deacon goes to that bar.
- See something?
- No.
No.
Thought there were--
that's-- it's my shift.
OK.
Tea, Eddie?
I'm good, thank you.
What are you doing?
Smell, do you?
Smell, do you?
Upon seeing a young lady,
degrading comments are made.
Mickey--
"I'd finger her with all five."
Deacon-- "You fucking cunt,
the only thing you've fingered
is your arsehole."
Laughter ensues.
George--
"Look at the tits on it.
I'd bang that whore
till it dropped off."
Milroy Primas--
"I never go down on bad pussy.
Mickey--
"I bet she could swallow
and fart at the same time."
I have swallow and part.
No, I think it's
"swallow and fart."
Doesn't make sense at all.
I agree.
What wold be the
point of swallowing...
Thank you, Uncle.
Very thorough.
Excellent work.
Not a problem, Thomas.
May I ask,
is Mr. Deacon a herpetologist?
What's that?
Well, it's from the Greek
"herpene," meaning "to creep";
a branch of zoology dealing
with the study of amphibians.
I'm asking because the gentleman
with the extravagant
hairstyle, Deacon,
he kept on repeating,
"Blue Iguana."
Blue Iguana this,
blue Iguana that.
"The money that fat tub of shit,
Arkady, and us will be making
will be fucking orgasmic."
Blue Iguana, it's a diamond.
Sorry, are we-- what happened?
Blue Iguana-- it's a diamond.
Oh, does it have
magical powers, like it
curses anybody who touches it?
You see what you're going to
look like when you're old?
No, it's just a diamond.
If you look into, do
you see your future?
In the '80s, a Turkish
prince married an Englishwoman.
He purchased the Blue
Iguana as a wedding gift.
He loved her.
But she partied, gambled.
She was too wild for him.
It didn't work.
But wouldn't divorce her.
He went home, sent
her to Switzerland,
provided her with a
few million a year.
My heart bleeds.
A few months ago, I heard
he decided to take her back.
He wants to present
her at a family
gathering wearing the diamond.
So?
So she lost it in a card game
to a man named Jacob Taylor.
Without it, he
won't take her back.
The diamond is kept in a
high-security safety deposit
center.
If Arkady steals the
diamond for the princess,
she'll be welcomed
back and ensure that he
is too, very lucrative for him.
Arkady's tired of
funding Deacon's
illegal activities to survive.
He wants to make a large
amount of money and retire.
Do you know this princess?
Vaguely.
Arkady introduced
us, did some work for him.
And how do you propose we get into
this high-tech facility, huh?
You've got to be juiced
up on the inside.
We know fucking nothing.
They could have security
systems, timers, smart waters,
fucking motion sensor detectors.
They could have all that
shit, and we don't know.
Because we can't fuckin' see.
Don't need to know.
We'll steal it from
Deacon when he steals it,
give it to the princess,
collect the reward.
Simple solution to
a complex problem.
OK.
If that simple solution works,
what do you think she'll pay?
Between $5 million
to $6 million?
And is that pounds or--
No, that's pounds.
That's pounds.
You know, the
other day when I was--
when I went into--
you know, when I tried to--
I wanted to say I was tired.
My head was--
I'm sorry.
And thanks for getting
Arkady off our backs
and saving our lives.
So did anything--
I owe you, OK?
After they steal it, how
are they going to this rock
to the princess?
Diamond.
Yeah, the Purple Serpent
or whatever it is.
Well, Arkady can't go
to her in Switzerland
because of various offenses.
So she's either coming here,
or he's sending a courier.
He won't trust a courier.
He's going to want to
give it to her personally.
If we find out
when she's coming,
we'll know when they're
hitting the diamond.
I know her travel agent.
She's coming here.
He may tell me.
Do it.
Call him.
Could I have a
cappuccino to go, please?
He said she's coming in a month.
He said that she's
coming in a month.
We can't wait a month.
What do you suggest?
We need to twist the
pig's ear, watch it squeal.
Yes, clearly.
I don't understand
that metaphor.
We need to put the
squeeze on Arkady,
so the cops jump all over him.
And he's forced into
stealing the diamond sooner
rather than later.
It's got to be
something big, but you'd
have to scare the crap out of
him, panic him into action.
Arkady just claimed
insurance on this building.
He upped his
insurance policy just
before Deacon set fire to it.
He used the insurance money so
he could fix it up and sell it,
but the police are still
investigating the incident.
That's good.
That's good.
You thinking what I'm thinking?
Possibly.
Yeah?
We blow the
hell out of the building,
so the police jump all over
Arkady, which should make
him steal the diamond faster.
Got full crew in the car.
Roger, Pauly.
Go get him, Corny.
Over and out.
Yep.
All right, you son of a bitch.
Bullseye.
Bullseye.
My shift.
Yeah.
Hey, Tommy, do you mind if I
borrow your gun real quick?
What? Why?
I'm going to
the pub next door.
I'm gonna snoop around.
Feel safer having it on
me, you know what I mean?
Have you told Eddie
about your visits?
What's-- who cares--
it's not even a big--
he won't even care-- we're--
you know what I mean?
So.
It's a special edition
Glock 26 polymer-framed
semiautomatic pistol.
Try not to kill a child.
Yeah, no, no.
I wouldn't kill a child.
I am just honestly going next--
I'm going to probably
find something out,
so it's good to have this
just in case I need a --
So fuck you.
Have fun.
Let me get a
whiskey and whatever
the pretty lady would like.
Hello, Ted.
Oh, you remember my name.
Yeah.
How's the girlfriend, the?
Oh, no, I don't
have a girlfriend.
She left me when I
was on the asteroid.
I know.
And I loved her.
I mean, I loved her.
I gave her everything.
I gave her cars.
I gave her love.
But when you're on that asteroid
and you're saving the world,
it becomes--
like you become like a hero.
And sometimes, I can't handle.
Here you go, darling.
Well, make the bitch
die confused and alone.
Fuck yeah.
Hey, um, why don't you and
I get a little dinner, maybe
a drink, and talk about this?
I've made other arrangements.
Excuse me?
Where are you going?
I have to go.
You don't have time for--
See you later!
If you come with me right now,
you may find yourself having
an experience so
fucking intense,
it'll make you feel
lit up from the inside
like you've never
fucking felt before.
It's so great to see you.
Oh, actually, actually, you
know, where's your bathroom?
In the pub.
Good.
I'm gonna-- I'm
gonna use it, OK?
And then, you're
going to go upstairs?
Yeah.
OK, I'm gonna fuck you?
I'm gonna have it--
I'm going-- I'm going
to do this and this?
Promises, promises, eh?
Don't be long.
Anyway, so.
I'm just
running to the toilet.
I'll be back.
Fuck off, having a shit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yup, yup, yup.
Fuck.
Got it.
What are you doing here?
How weird.
Came here for the
fish and chips.
This is a good restaurant.
You OK?
And now on, it's Robert
Danova with "Notte D'amore"
Disgusting little man.
Who is that guy?
He the guy who
took all your cash?
Tommy told you?
Why do women always go
for these douche bags?
Why are you talking to this guy?
You can call me naive,
but I thought he wanted
to get back with me.
He wanted money.
You want me to kick his ass?
I was joking.
Forget about him,
me kicking his ass.
Positive-- you've got
to stay positive, honey.
Glass half--
glass half full.
You know, I saved your life.
And you said if there was a
favor you could do for me--
Katherine, look,
let me explain.
It's-- it's-- it's embarrassing.
I'm taking these.
Katherine?
Katherine.
Where are you going?
Let's not do this.
Come on, have a chip.
Sit down.
Relax.
Out of my way.
Hey, stop being a douche bag.
Come on.
Get your hands
off me, you American prick.
Fucking hell.
You want some more money?
Can I make you some coffee?
Where you been?
Nowhere.
Stop.
What the fuck?
Is that my fucking toilet paper?
No.
Yes, it is.
That's my fucking toilet paper.
Where's my gun?
I don't have it
on me right now.
What gun?
What happened?
Paul went to Deacon's pub and
fucked what I can only assume
was the ghost of Christmas past.
Son of a bitch.
Where's my gun?
OK, it might be in
the toilet of Deacon's pub.
First things first,
where are my wet wipes?
They wanted me for Frodo.
No shit, Frodo Baggins?
This is 1999.
I was, much thinner then.
The director, he loved me.
Took me for lunch,
said I was too tall.
To make me hobbit size was
going to add a $1 million
per foot.
Yeah, $1 million a foot
for every effects shot.
A million dollars?
I'm six-foot-two.
Yeah, you're huge.
So they went with
the shorter fellow.
Elijah Wood.
Fuck that.
You know what?
I'm going to put you in
my independent movie.
Really?
Yes.
Think about it for a second, OK?
It starts with a
45-minute one-shot.
Do you like lens flare?
Fuck, I love lens flare.
There's so much lens flare in
this, you're going to be like,
what?
What's going on?
There's so much
fucking lens flare.
- Close your eyes.
- Yeah.
I'm gonna give you
the working title--
"No More Nothing."
Yeah.
Yeah.
"No More Nothing."
Think about it.
I like it.
Yeah?
I like it, Pauly.
It's dark.
It sort of hangs.
Hangs there, doesn't it?
Yeah.
But then, it just drops.
Into nothing or--
Everything.
Hey, come on, guys.
Let's move.
We've got other floors to do.
Let's go.
Ordinates working well?
Yeah, perfect, sir.
Thank you for your help.
You're a good man, Uncle Martin.
Where do want this?
Right there, Corny.
Yeah, pack it to the brim.
When in doubt--
Overload?
I spot a fellow military
man from a mile away.
Ever so thrilled to be
working with you all again.
All this sitting
around on cool surfaces
is terrible for the prostate.
Prostate?
We all know roughly
where it is, but where
exactly is the prostate?
Well, you know when you
shove your finger up your ass?
No.
Do people do-- what do you mean?
Get that thing out
of my fucking face.
You've got to just
wrap those things up.
- Yeah, look at it.
- It's disgusting.
This is going to
save your life one day.
Imagine if you have
a hole right here.
Get that thing away--
Hey, guys, come on.
Everybody's
be fucking let go.
I wish I--
You still got that?
How long you had
this fucking thing?
For a while,
but if you get hurt,
you're going to want me to use.
You need to keep it sterile.
I say.
Someone's been shopping.
Do you want us to--
are we blowing--
we're blowing someone up, right?
Should we--
Yeah.
Let's, um-- yeah, so, don't
touch it till you're ready.
Police have called.
They're preparing
investigation into the matter,
especially because you claimed
insurance on the previous fire.
They found traces of explosives.
I'll do my best, but we are
sailing close to the wind
on this one, Arkady.
Couple of my sources
tell me that the police
will arrest you in the next
few days, maybe even today.
Seems you have a
personal grudge.
Any idea who could have done it?
You know, in my country,
you could talk to anyone--
judges, police, lawyers.
Just give them a
little something,
and they make things disappear.
I miss it, my people.
They understood these
ways, because they're
human, not like these
dishonest bumfuckers.
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
Look, see if you can buy
some time with the police.
Say-- what?
Say anything.
Yeah?
Yeah, look, find--
find your own way out.
I've got to go, so--
Yeah?
OK, I see him.
I got him.
Up, two, three, four, and up.
Up.
Hold it here.
Four, three, two, one.
Let's go.
And up, two, three, four.
And squeeze.
Gotta be kidding me.
Up, two, three, four,
and squeeze, squeeze, squeeze.
Up, two, three,
four, and freeze.
Ridiculous.
What is he doing?
Is this like a British thing?
Put the squeeze on this guy, he
goes to a fucking salsa class.
I don't think this is salsa.
This is some sort of fusion, sort
of Nazi-themed with
urban street dance.
Tommy.
Ridiculous.
What else we gotta do?
We blew up a fucking building.
He spends hours there.
He's drinking smoothies,
eating granola.
This is nothing.
Corny, did you get
anything today?
Little fella.
Tommy?
Nothing, yeah.
Great.
What have you got with
Deacon and the boys?
Followed them into town.
Saw them for hours.
Lost them for like 30 minutes.
Saw them again right here at the
pub, and that's where they are.
I had fucking nothing for today.
Great.
We have fucking nothing.
What are we doing?
Eddie, what do we do?
Eddie!
Eddie, stop.
What are we fucking doing?
I'm sorry, princess,
we got to go.
You're sorry?
Don't fucking call me princess.
What are you saying?
You're just going to
go back to America?
If we stay here any longer,
we're in trouble, big trouble.
It's that easy for you?
Well, before you go, let me just
tell you that that bag that's
in this video is our
bag, the same bag you
stole which had the bonds in.
And the man taking
the bag here is
head of security at the Blue
Iguana safety deposit center,
where the Blue Iguana's stored.
Arkady's clearly
exchanged the bonds you
stole for the security codes.
They're going to just walk
straight in-- no safe cracking,
no explosives-- just
take the Blue Iguana
and walk straight out.
Your plan to put the squeeze
on Arkady actually worked.
But if you're just so
desperate to leave,
don't let me stop you.
I need some ice cream.
You all right?
Just tired.
Want a little?
Have a little--
little ice cream?
Yes?
Oh, hello.
Yeah.
OK.
Thank you.
That was the princess's
travel agent.
He says she's landing
in a few hours,
staying at a hotel
for six hours,
and then flying straight out.
Tell me what happened
with Deacon again.
Yep.
Followed him and the apes all
day, lost them in town for bit,
picked them back up, followed
them to Deacon's pub,
and that's where
they are right now.
They closed the place
down for the night.
It's Uncle Martin.
Arkady just got on a
train back into town.
They stole it today.
They have the diamond.
They got the diamond.
They got the diamond.
What's happening?
They stole it when you lost
them in town for 30 minutes.
Arkady must have
left town, so he
wouldn't be around
when it was stolen
in case something happened.
He's coming back now,
knowing it's been successful.
They'll deliver it to Arkady,
who'll give it to the princess
today.
Gang's protecting
Deacon until delivery.
We need to hit
the pub right now.
Wait.
Wait Wait.
I don't know if we have to go--
we don't have to go right now.
We can't go in
there guns blazing.
That's fucking suicide.
What about this?
Let's think for a second.
We're not even thinking.
We're not throwing ideas around.
If we think like
an intricate plan
that involves no violence
and no guns at all and then
we sneak in when
they're totally unaware
and do it without shooting
or fucking killing--
because we could do that.
We're sneaky.
Let's think it
through for a second.
Why don't you sit
this one out, pal?
Maybe I watch
from the monitor,
make sure everything's
going wrong--
if something goes wrong, I--
- Yeah.
I'll yell--
someone needs to.
Someone needs to
watch the monitor.
You know what I mean?
Outside in 10?
Hey.
Listen, I told
the guys if we get
the rock and something happens
to one of us, just keep going.
This yours?
- Let me see it.
- Maybe.
OK.
It's just a dumb comic book.
Final battle.
His castle lies ahead.
He holds her captive there.
I have no fear.
Her love is my
shield against evil,
for I know she would
sacrifice her life for me
also, for her love is true.
Does it match my blue eyes?
Get the car.
I'm going for a piss.
You'll be fine.
I need to ditch that car.
Your timing is perfect.
Had some
trouble with the police
on the way to you.
What kind of trouble?
We don't know yet.
Can't move.
Where are you?
Between places.
I'll call you in an hour.
No, don't.
Where did you go,
David fucking Blaine?
I went to get the car, boss.
Car?
Where's the car, France?
It was around the
corner, but then, you've
got to get it nice and warm.
Get it warm?
It's fucking summer.
The air conditioning in
that car-- it should be
warm for the air conditioning.
It's like fucking Vietnam,
fucking Syria, fucking ISIS
all rolled into fucking one
in here.
ISIS-- ISIS?
ISIS, it's a
terrorist organization
formed out of Al-Qai-- watch--
watch the fucking news!
It does get very hot
in the car, there, boss.
Shut your mouth,
you fucking twat.
Move that useless lump downstairs
with the other useless prats.
What are you
laughing at, yankee?
I love that accent.
It's crazy exotic.
You're the one that's tied
to a fucking pool table,
so I'd keep your fucking
mouth fucking shut.
Are we gonna be here
for a while, you think?
How much she paying you, that
ugly fucking four-eyed cow?
Hey, don't worry about her.
Yeah?
Everything is going
to be just fine.
I don't fucking trust her.
She could be playing
you like a violin, man.
Eh, maybe.
I don't know.
I just hope I'm
fucking wrong about her.
Wrong about her?
Hope she cares more
about you than the diamond,
because you're my fucking
only way out of here, yankee.
Do you get me?
It's him.
I've got what you want.
You've got what I want.
What are you gonna do?
All right, I'll give
you what you want,
but only in a public place.
I'm gonna send someone
over to stay with you,
see if our man's OK.
Once you've released him
to my friend and he's safe,
I'll hand it over.
Where?
Morris, Lover
Lane, 45 minutes.
You're gonna have
to go in there.
No fucking way.
No, they're
not going to do anything
to you, as long as I have this.
Anyway, they do
know you're coming.
What the fuck are
you talking about?
What the fuck is
happening right now?
You left the
gun in the toilet.
Oh my god.
The gun you left in the toilet.
- Is it still there?
- I don't know.
Maybe. I have no idea.
Here's
what's going to happen.
You go in there, see if he's OK.
You ask permission
to use the toilet.
You get the gun.
I'll phone you when I'm with
Deacon, say "good luck."
Get the gun out, start shooting.
Just fucking kill them all.
Oh, but oh, this
isn't "The Godfather,"
and I'm not Al
fucking Pacino, OK?
Listen.
Listen, Katherine,
I'm not a killer.
I know I bigged
myself up to you,
but I'm just a fucking
smartass with a big mouth.
I'd gathered.
Thing is, Paul, that you
sat the last one out.
If you'd been with us, Tommy
might not have been injured.
And Eddie definitely
wouldn't have been taken.
I can't do it.
Got no choice, princess.
Think you're smart
picking this place
near a police station?
You have any idea what I'm gonna
do to that ugly face of yours
when this is over?
Put up your hands
up against the wall.
Where?
Over there.
You all right?
Hey, man, never been better.
Feel great.
Yeah?
You sit down.
You shut your mouth.
Great to see you, pal.
Over there.
What the heck you doing here?
Oh, I was just passing by.
Shut up.
I want him out of there,
and then I'll give it you.
Well, let's see it.
I could do with a smoke.
Disappearing again?
Get some cigarettes.
You're making a
habit out of this.
I'll be back.
Just get back
quicker this time, yeah?
Can I go to the
bathroom, please?
Are you scared, mate?
He's got a bad tummy.
Upset tummy, yeah?
Yes.
Go ahead and fuck off.
It's over there.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
What the fuck are you doing?
Hurry up.
Come on.
Yeah?
Put their guy on.
Hello?
Is he OK?
Yeah.
Yeah, he's OK.
OK, well call me
you're both safe.
Good luck.
Can I get you anything, sir?
Fuck off.
This one's on you,
ugly son of a bitch.
Goodbye, Katherine.
Thank you for the call.
You are now debt-free.
Now, now, you
don't want to cause
a scene with the local
constabulary here, eh?
She's got the diamond.
Of course.
She's got it.
She's got it.
She's got it.
You steal it and
then call Katherine
to bribe her to take
you to the princess
to take everything yourself.
Arkady, she stole it.
Like you tried to steal
the bonds by sending
those two men of yours.
You know, they turned up
with holes in their heads.
Hey.
What's that smell?
You smell that?
George, George, George, George,
George, George, of the Jungle.
What the fuck is that smell?
Do you smell that?
Was that in your pants?
You got some poopy
in your pants,
little boy Georgie-borgie?
Georgie got a
poopy in his pants?
That smells like a
skunk with fucking
herpes crawled up your fucking
red baboon ass and fucking
died.
Jesus Christ, you stink.
Fucking take a
bath, motherfucker.
Shut the fuck up.
Fuck!
Motherfuck.
It's OK.
It's just blood.
Let's-- come on, let's go.
It's OK.
Come here.
Untie me.
Fuck!
What are you fucking doing?
Stopping the bleeding.
Get the fuck away from me.
Fucking untie me.
Jesus Christ.
The fuck is the matter with you?
Oh, fuck.
Hey, it's OK.
Just go-- go wash it off.
Hey, where's-- is she OK?
Where's Katherine?
Where's Katherine?
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- What's up?
Yeah, not much.
What took you so long?
Sorry.
You need to see this.
OK, we don't have much time.
Guys, did I
get everything off?
Well, did George
accidentally shoot
himself in the head because of
the guilt of smelling so bad?
I had a yankee tied to
the fucking pool table.
Oh yeah?
Did-- did-- did he want
a share of the diamond,
and you wouldn't give it to him?
What are you talking about?
All my men are fucking dead.
Well, I can see that.
I've been shot
in the shoulder, Arkady.
It's a nice shirt, that one.
Look, make sure all the doors
are locked and come back?
You know what?
I know it's here somewhere.
She's got the diamond.
I'm not going to look for it--
--because you are going
to tell me where it is.
Yeah?
She's got the diamond,
I swear on my life.
You got shot in your shoulder?
Am I stupid?
Am I stupid?
Am I stupid?
Nice.
Where's the diamond, eh?
Where's the diamond?
You.
But--
Yes!
Who's the boss now, eh?
Look at you, you're dead.
You're fucking dead!
Na, na, na, na, na.
Bastard.
We have a car.
Are we all shipshape?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Splendid.
Shit.
Fuck.
I forgot.
Are you OK?
Just don't bleed
on my car, will you?
What you doing here?
What you done to your hand?
Caught it in a door.
Fucking retard.
I got tickets for Barbados.
We've got to leave now
to catch your flight.
You're having
a laugh, what, now?
Yeah, well my passport and
bags are my sister's so.
We can swing by.
I've got to see a friend
at a hotel on the way.
Well, you coming?
All right, keep
your fucking hair on.
What is it?
What is that?
The place has
VIPs all the time.
Don't worry about it.
Just keep moving.
We're going upstairs.
Sit down.
No, no, sit down.
Do you need me?
OK, we're going to sit down
in a normal, unsuspicious way.
Watch this.
What's in your pockets?
Nothing.
Always it's a little
firecracker, OK?
Jesus, there's a
fucking cop over there.
I know there's a
fucking cop over there.
It's a-- it's a
very small bomb, OK?
Very small-- it's very small.
Fuck's sake, we're going
upstairs to see a princess.
You don't know.
You don't know.
How well do you
know this princess?
If you get into trouble,
I am not helping you out.
Come on.
Let's go.
Don't tell me what to do.
Visiting someone at
the Star Plaza Hotel.
Oh, this is the Premium
Plaza Hotel car park.
You want our sister hotel?
That's just five
minutes away, sir.
It's a common mistake.
Deacon, you are
a fucking spastic.
Can you let me in?
I'll come straight out.
I can' do a U-turn.
Yes, but you'll need to
take a ticket to come in.
And then, you'll have to
pay when you come out.
It doesn't matter here
just for a minute.
How much?
Christ on a bike, it
says 10 pound on the sign.
He's a bit dim, just
like his poor, deceased father.
So sorry about this.
Hey, get a move on.
Thank you so much.
Hi.
What about the-- the delivery.
OK, follow me.
Katherine, what
are you doing here?
Where's Arkady?
Well, actually, I
don't work for him anymore.
But we have your diamond.
You look different.
Oh, no.
No, no.
Nothing like that.
Oy, moron,
where are we going?
Don't tell me you're fucking
lost in a fucking car park.
We've got to get to the airport.
I've got to pack my
bags, get sorted.
What the fuck's going on?
What?
I said, what's going on
with you, you fucking moron?
Oh my god, you are
dim, aren't you,
just like your fucking dad?
Right nonce he turned out to be.
13-and-a-half I
was-- 13-and-a-half
when he took my innocence.
Should have had you
fucking terminated.
And look what he produced.
Look at it.
Look at the little shit
he fucking well produced.
Come on, for fuck's sake.
Get a move-- what?
Move.
Drive the fucking car.
Move it!
What the fuck is
the matter with you?
What the fuck?
What the--
Be polite for once in
your life, fucking rude cow!
Look what you fucking made me
do, you fucking stupid cow.
Fuck!
Let me help you
with that, sir.
Show me.
Stefan?
Yes, ma'am?
Stop shaking your leg.
I'm gonna be back in
one second, all right?
Paul, no, don't go
in-- what are you doing?
Paul.
Paul.
- Don't.
- Sorry, sir.
Yeah?
Can't let you go in there.
What's, what's shooting?
Some zombie shit.
Shooting on the roof.
Holy fuck.
Is that Kyle Nathan?
He's tiny.
He needs a lot of boxes, huh?
We're gonna
need a bigger box.
I'm gonna say hello
to him real quick.
- I can't let you go in there.
- I'm a film producer.
- I've really got to get inside.
- That's not going to happen.
You sure?
Are you sure?
Yeah, you can't go in there.
Kyle.
Kyle.
Hey, Kyle.
Kyle?
Kyle.
Kyle?
Of course, sir.
They're filming a
zombie movie on the roof.
Couldn't give a fuck.
Right.
Kyle Nathan's in it.
I'm sure you give
a fuck now, right?
- He's a friend.
- No idea who he is.
- Is he?
- Great friend.
OK.
You know him?
Yeah.
I don't wanna bother
him, though, so.
All right.
- Never heard of him.
- Really?
Young guy?
He's a huge-- huge--
kicks and punches
and all that stuff.
Oh, right,
He's that guy
who jump in the air,
and he kicks and punches
at the same time.
Right.
So he hit your
balls in your face.
Pretty incredible.
Katherine, can I ask you a question?
Yes. yes, of course.
Got any coke?
No.
Weed?
No.
All right,
kids, let's look alive.
Let's go.
Right.
We take a little
trip to the bathroom.
Keep your mouths fucking
shut, or I'll fucking
drop the light here right now.
Now, move, you bunch of
sunglass-wearing cunts.
- Move!
- What?
You don't want to get some
tea and talk about it?
Look at you lot, pack
of fucking cunts.
Whatever happened to
normal fucking people,
like me and my dad, the
1982 England World Cup team?
What happened to proper men--
Telly Savalas, Lee Majors--
masculine, proper fucking man?
You, fucking American
cunt, you're first.
I'm gonna get a
big fucking knife
and stab your fat fucking head--
stab it so many fucking times,
it's going explode.
And then, I'm gonna shoot you.
I'm gonna shoot you
between the head.
And you, you devious
four-eyed ugly cow,
I'm gonna set fire to
your tits with petrol.
And you, I'm gonna cut
your fucking balls off
and staple them to
your fucking ears.
And you, Groucho, I'm
gonna cut your dick
off and turn it into ravioli.
I'm gonna get this ugly
bastard, this ginger
fuck ugly busted to rape
you with a fucking strap-on.
He's going to have two cocks?
Yeah.
So how does it work?
Is the strap-on
above the first cock?
Yes.
That would just fuck
my asshole and above my--
Shut up!
Shut your fucking mouth!
Listen.
Listen, Billy.
Back up, back up--
who the fuck is Billy?
You're going for the whole
Billy Ray Cyrus thing, right?
Shut up.
Business in the front,
party in the back.
I--
Shut up!
How's that song?
We'll give you a little
bit of that song.
Don't tell my
heart-- go head, help me out.
Don't break my heart,
my achy breaky heart.
I just don't think
he'd understand.
Shut up!
Help me out.
Shut the fuck up!
'Cause if you break my heart,
my achy breaky heart, he might
blow up and kill this man.
Shut your fucking mouth!
Get out!
Go fuck yourself.
Someone
blew up in front of us!
Someone blew up in front of us!
It's OK.
- It's OK.
- Just calm down.
Someone's going to hear you.
How did you know that wasn't
gonna blow all of us up?
What?
How did you know that wasn't
gonna blow up all of us?
Very small.
It's a very small bomb.
It's like a firecracker, OK?
Lower your voice, because
there's people outside.
Lower your voice.
The money's all
ruined, all of it.
Not all of it.
We've got a cashier's check.
You've always
got to plan ahead.
I'm sick.
Aways plan ahead.
We didn't want to
carry that much cash,
so we asked for a cashier's
check for five million pounds.
Huh?
I'm sorry, we have
five million pounds?
Five.
Five million pounds.
I'm sorry, we have
five million pounds?
Guys?
Guys.
Guys.
Guys, guys, we have
a very big problem.
There's no water.
Look at us.
The place is full of
policemen and security.
How the fuck are we
going to get
How are we going to get out?
OK.
Hey, just a minute.
- Oh, Christ.
- Good.
Fanta-- so we're with the
move-- we're with the movie.
We're zombies.
And we had to go-- we had to
head off and go to craft room.
But we're zombies.
Tommy, we're zombies.
Show him.
Oh, right, sorry.
Of course, go
right through, sir.
Just a minute-- better
escort you to the exit.
Follow me, please.
Let's go inside.
That makes sense.
That all makes sense.
Thank you.
What's that?
It's Latin.
It means, to dare is to do.
To dare is to do.
I like that.
It's, chivalrous.
Paul, lovely to work with you.
Pleasure.
Cornelius, always a pleasure.
Eddie, it's been
a sincere pleasure
working with you again.
And if you're ever in
London, call me anytime.
You got it pal.
Thank you.
All right.
Yup.
You're independable.
All right.
Now.
Oh, Jesus.
Flattered.
Yeah, no.
Too much.
Katherine.
Tommy.
Corny, you want to
hear about my movie?
Why not indeed?
It's going
to cost $1 billion.
Yeah.
Look after this for
me for a second?
Farewell, chaps.
Bye, Corny.
The road that has no turnings.
What the fuck did he say?
No, don't know.
Yes.
I always flirt with death.
I could kill, but I
don't care about it.
I can face your threats and
stand up straight and tall
and shout about it.
I think I'm on another
world with you, with you.
I'm on another planet
with you, with you.
You get under my skin.
I don't find it irritating.
You always play to
win, but I won't
need rehabilitating, oh no.
I think I'm on another
world with you, with you.
I'm on another planet
with you, with you.
Another girl, another planet.
Another girl, another planet.
Now, it's the time,
as the days grow short
and the long nights end
in sun in a rise, blinded
by light as we familiarize.
Feeling right by summer,
sipping on some coconut water.
When we recover, and
we saunter back to our quarter.
Bunch of tin can drummers.
All night.
Fuck the tin can
drummers.
'Cause I gotta
speed it up, up, up.
Yeah, I gotta speed
it up, up, up.
Now, I gotta speed
it up, up, up.
Yeah, I gotta speed
it up, up, up.
'Cause I gotta speed it up.
Gotta speed it up.
'Cause I gotta speed it up.
Now, I gotta speed it up.
Our movie's got to have
a beautiful happy ending.
It's gotta be unpredictable,
like a fun indie vibe;
black and white; lens flare.
It's got to have lens flare,
let's not forget.
A tentative title
I'm thinking right now--
you tell me what you think--
is "Cold Dreams."
Hey.
Hey, what'd I just say?
What's the title of my work?
Eddie!
Are you listening to me?
I've got gas.
You got your anti-acids?
No.
All right, beautiful, OK.
Maybe you'll come back soon?
And she's gone.
What is that?
This?
Female sanitary appliance.
The elite bodyguards
all carry them.
You want to know why?
The second you start bleeding,
I pop this shit in.
Blood stops.
It stops the bleeding.
I can save you goddamn life.
And get rid of the
comic book also.
She's going to be here
in like five minutes.
Hey.
Hello.
I'm slightly early.
Is it Katherine?
Yeah.
Take a seat.
You want something to eat?
Some lunch would be--
would be nice.
Well, we make an
incredible hot dog.
- What do you say?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, man, let me get a hot dog,
soda, and fries, por favor.
Diet orange soda.
Diet orange soda.
You got it.
What are these?
I think those are
the steaks, Louie.
No shit, genius.
Why did you pull them
out of the freezer?
It's for the dinner crowd.
No, you're not supposed
to use these, ass wipe.
You're supposed to use the
one in storage next door.
Manny, put these steaks
back in the freezer.
Get me 20 sirloins
from storage next door.
What's the matter with you, huh?
You're shit for brains,
I told you.
I told you what
steaks to sell here.
One more time, both of you,
I'm gonna violate you
to your parole officer.
You hear me?
You'll be upstate in a heartbeat.
You got it?
Hey, credit card machine
is still on the fritz, Louie.
Yeah, well, you keep
taking cash till it's fixed.
Yeah.
As you know...
I'm so sorry,
there's so much in your mouth.
As you know,
you were recommended to me
by Thomas Tresham,
client of mine.
Who?
British Tommy.
Oh, Tommy.
He recommended you highly.
Client how?
I was his lawyer in London.
You're a lawyer?
An item will be delivered
at a location next week.
I want you to intercept the
delivery and bring it to me.
Yeah, we can do that, baby.
The man making the
exchange has guards.
He will meet and exchange
the package with others.
Fee is $20,000 each.
Well, the going
rate's $30,000 each.
I'm not going to go
higher than $20,000.
That's inclusive
of two passports.
Hey, wait a minute.
Gig's not here?
No, it's in London next week.
Next-- you came all the way
from London, England for us?
This isn't really my field.
Mr. Tresham is my sole
contact in this area.
Well, that's tough luck.
Our parole's conditional on us
maintaining employment here.
Plus, your offer's way too long,
especially if going
to jump the pond.
How much do I owe you?
You know what?
There's got to be way we can
work this out, don't you think?
I mean, we haven't even thought
it through for a second.
Maybe we could talk about it.
Is this diner a chain?
Yeah, a real shitty,
shitty chain.
If I can sort out your parole
issues and this establishment,
would you agree to the
venture at my price?
Knock yourself out.
Break's over ladies.
Louie?
Yes, darling.
You buy cheap stock--
steaks, on this occasion,
with your own money,
and you store them next door.
If 20 steaks are ordered,
you serve the cheap steaks
you bought, not the
ones on the premises
that are bought by the company.
You don't fix the
credit card machine,
so everyone pays in cash.
You keep the cash for yourself.
If head office get suspicious
and checks the stock,
they'll find it's all
still here on the premises
in the freezer unused.
And it's all very illegal.
Eddie's going away for a week.
And he's gonna be
with his friend Paul.
Yes, with Paul.
You're going to call
their parole officer,
say you're sending them
away on a catering course,
as they're doing so well,
and that they'll be
unable to attend.
Otherwise, I'm going to
call head office, tell them
about your illegal activities,
which I assure you,
will result in your prosecution.
Do we have an agreement?
Hey, Louie, you're a
disgrace to the restaurant
business, you fuckin' skunk.
Katherine, we're in.
- No, we're not in.
- We're not in.
We're not in yet.
$30,000 each or no deal.
$20,000 and no higher.
$30,000.
You need me.
- Us.
- Us.
Yeah.
Agreed.
Fuck yeah.
On one condition--
no one gets harmed.
If it's them or us, I know who
I'm choosing there, princess.
Don't call me that.
Yoga?
You look healthy.
I've been meaning to say
for the past few days.
I do tai chi myself.
It's a soft martial art.
Keeps me supple.
He does look
good, though, right?
You do look good.
You do look good.
Cardio, that's what I do.
A panic attack
doesn't count as cardio.
Whatever.
Hey, you know what, Corny?
What do you say after this, we
talk about your acting career?
I'd be delighted to.
You ever tried the boards?
No, my good man.
I'm actually a film producer.
Can I just say
what a pleasure it is
to be working with you again?
I hope I didn't
inconvenience you
in requesting you
come to London,
but I couldn't think
of anyone I trust more.
Tommy, I don't
think we need the silencer.
If this shit hits the fan,
the louder, the better.
You know what I mean?
Take it off, please.
The louder, the better.
That's so wise.
What the?
Hey, man!
Why don't you like kitty cats?
Because dogs are better.
Dogs aren't better.
They're more independent.
Hands up, motherfucker.
Put your fucking
hands up right now.
Hands in the air--
there's a good chap--
or those lovely long
eyelashes will close forever.
Come here.
Come.
Come on.
Come on.
Come, come, come, come.
Drop the bag.
Drop the bag.
Drop the fuckin' bag.
Do what he says.
This guy's a fucking maniac.
Kick it over to me.
Kick it over to me.
Kick it over, man.
Nobody needs to get hurt.
OK, kick it over
to me right now.
Kick it over to me right now.
Are you fucking serious?
Come on, guys,
stop fucking around.
Are you fucking kidding me?
What are you, a fucking--
what do I do?
Pick it up.
I'm going to pick it up.
But nobody's going
to fucking move.
Do you hear me?
Nobody move.
Nobody fucking move.
I'm gonna pick it up.
Pick it up.
Nobody fucking move.
OK.
Keep the gun on him.
Hey, hey, hey.
Stay where you are.
Oh, all right.
Right.
Calm down.
Easy.
Hey.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Stay back.
Game over, man.
- It's over.
- Stay back.
Just chill out, man.
Hey, hey, hey, wait.
Easy.
Easy.
Easy.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Let's go.
Let's go.
- Let's go.
- Get it.
Get it.
Let's get the hell out of here.
Let's go!
Let's go!
Go!
Oh, hey there, all.
All ticketed, my old chaps?
Let's go.
Let's diggity-fuckin'-boot.
Oh, yes.
Hold on here.
Just, reverse, first.
OK, OK.
Drive the fucking car!
OK, calm down.
I hear the leaves in the trees
as they rustle in
the breeze up above.
My name's Dino O'Lynn and this
one's for Deacon and the lads.
Shout out, lads.
Yes, Dino.
Gold.
Bravo, Dino!
OK, from the top.
The Americans stole the bag.
They'll give it to
that cow tomorrow.
What do you do then?
Once we see the exchange,
that's when we move.
We take the bag and
anything else, no prisoners.
What don't you do?
Look inside the bag.
Straight after you get the bag,
you goes to this address.
Call me.
Sit tight.
No other calls.
You don't leave for food,
smokes, girls, nothing.
You wait for me.
Oy, Billy Ray Cyrus,
how many times have I told you
to fix that bloody door?
Fix it!
Dexter and I are going upstairs
for a business meeting.
Do not call me.
Do not disturb me.
Hand over a bottle of red.
Come on!
Evening, Mrs. Bradshaw.
Fuck off, George.
You stink of ketchup and farts.
More business, Mom?
Did you book the
tickets to Barbados?
No.
Do it!
I'm not gonna spend all
year in this fucking dump.
Look at it.
I gave birth to a
fucking haircut.
Just like his fucking dad.
Doesn't he look silly boys, eh?
Fucking stupid.
Change of plan.
I'm going with you.
You stay here, lock up.
You two, come with me.
We ain't open.
Scrambled eggs on toast, $2.95.
You're a troublemaker?
Plain omelet, $3.95.
Oy, mullethead, was it...
double denim day, yeah?
This jacket was me dad's.
You want to bring your
dad down here, yeah?
I'd take you and your dad.
My dad's dead.
Good.
Yeah.
OK.
That's right.
You all right?
I had a bunch of queers trying
it on just a minute ago.
I've lost a button.
I've lost a button.
Get some aprons on.
Wakey, wakey.
Rise and shine, Hong Kong Fui.
Come on.
There's a good lad.
Show me a room where
I can lock you in.
There's a pantry just--
just down-- just down there.
Mind your hair when
you go down there.
I meant your head,
not your hair on there.
My dad had his hair like this.
I love your dad.
I wish he was still alive,
your dad.
Hey, I--
I didn't mean it.
I wasn't-- I was a--
I'll have a coffee.
All right, all cool.
And you think a person thrown
and killed from a great height
is all cool?
That was--
that was unavoidable.
You can't-- that was--
by the way, he even tripped.
It wasn't even--
- That's an act of God.
- You can't do anything.
You're a lawyer.
You know about that.
I assumed you
were professionals.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
We are professional.
What did you just say?
We had an agreement--
no one seriously injured.
Cut the shit, and hand over
our cash, you little brat.
Come on, give me my money.
Christ, what is this,
a Mary Poppins bag?
What the fuck is this?
It's short.
It's fucking way short.
Well, the agreement was
$30,000 each and no
one seriously hurt,
but you didn't adhere to that.
So as a penalty, it drops to my
original offer of $20,000 each.
Are you--
I'll tell you what.
You take the hamburger,
and I'll take the filet mignon.
Give it to me.
- No.
- Give it to me.
- No.
- Give it to me.
Give it to me. Just give it.
Come on.
- Come on.
- No.
Thank you.
What was that?
Watch her.
Watch the rucksack.
Don't move.
Don't fucking move.
Watch her good.
You hear me?
Who's the dead
dude in the kitchen?
- What?
- Yeah.
Who's the dead dude
in the kitchen?
I know nothing about that.
Who the fuck
are these two people?
I don't know.
Come on. Come on.
See, it's OK.
Just tell us.
You wanted them to take care
of us and then keep the money.
- Is that it?
- No.
Don't move.
Stop.
Who's the bag for?
That's not your concern.
Yes, it is our fucking concern.
Someone tries kill us,
it's our concern, princess.
- Stop calling me that.
- Everyone makes mistakes.
I wanna-- can I talk
to you in private--
in private, just you and me,
just talking in private?
Don't look.
Look away for one second.
We're gonna talk for a second.
It's OK, just--
Do you have any idea
what's inside this bag?
Kitty cats?
I don't know.
No, no, not kitty cats--
bearer bonds, about $800,000--
$800 fucking thousand.
She didn't tell us that.
What the fuck will
we do with them?
We fence the bonds,
get the fuck out of dodge.
What are we still
doing here, right?
Better to be on the run with a ton
of money than nothing at all.
Can you hear that?
Yeah, she's--
- She can fucking hear everything.
- Use your indoor voice.
OK, this is it for me.
What do you think, fence it?
You think she
knew about these guys?
Where did she go?
Where's the rucksack?
Katherine.
Arkady.
What a surprise.
Would you like some breakfast,
coffee, croissant?
I shouldn't.
Well, tell us what happened.
I waited for the Americans
to collect the bonds.
They did.
Two men arrived.
They attacked us.
She's lying.
The Americans fought them off.
I managed to slip
away with the bag.
Ugly cow is lying.
Why would my men do such a thing?
Continue.
I still have the Americans' money.
I think it's best if we pay them off.
They've done nothing wrong.
Well, thank you for all your help.
You are now debt-free.
I'll be sorry to lose your services.
So I can pay the Americans off?
No, we'll take care of
the Americans ourselves.
Why take a chance?
Just--
just tell us where they are.
As your legal advisor,
I think it's best if we don't add
murder to your current issues.
And, um, I don't want
to be an accessory.
Are you asking me for a favor?
A favor that's in your interest.
Well, if I do this favor
for you, it'll mean you still
owe me the same amount.
The debt would be back on.
That's not fair.
I've done everything that--
Fine.
Bastard! Fucking...
Fuck.
Fuck it!
I'm going to choose to believe
that you sent your two
men to simply collect the
bonds, as I instructed,
but then, they took
it upon themselves
to attack the Americans
and take everything
without your knowledge.
No, no, no, no.
I'm choosing to believe you
had nothing to do with it.
Arkady, I swear on my--
I swear on my mother's--
Deacon, you...
repulsive testicle,
those two mean of yours
will show up somewhere.
I'm going to meet your
friends downstairs.
You stay here till I get back.
Do not move from this spot.
Piggy, yeah?
Come on.
Come with me.
Two large baguettes.
Chicks, you know what I mean?
Chicks shapeshifting.
At least we'll be back
in the US tomorrow, right?
Out of this shithole
of a fucking country.
Yeah, that's right.
- Hello?
- Who's that?
Yeah, fine.
Fucking fine.
It was Katherine.
She's on her way up.
Tommy must have
told her where we were.
You let her up here,
now, right now?
Yeah.
Right-- of course you let her up.
You're a genius.
That's awesome.
Coming to take more of our money?
Because we don't have
any more, thanks to you.
I came to explain and apologize.
Apologize?
For stabbing us in the back?
- I saved your life.
- How do you s--
Will you let me explain?
Arkady is the man who
organized the job.
I owed him a substantial
amount of money.
Getting you to steal the bonds
was how I'd pay him back.
Well, we're delighted
you're off the hook.
Arkady wanted you both dead.
I convinced him not to
do it but at great cost.
I am now back in debt to him.
One of his people, an animal
by the name of Deacon Bradshaw,
sent those two men
to steal everything.
I think you're full of shit.
Well, I think you were
going to sell the bonds,
leaving me at Arkady's mercy.
Oh, you don't know--
Arkady's planning something.
- Who cares?
- I care.
I do. I care.
Arkady and Deacon met three men
involved with him previously,
serious armed robbers.
I'm sure Arkady is using the
bonds to fund an arch robbery
I thought that, um,
it might be something
we could take advantage of,
capitalize on, all of us.
That's why she came back,
not to apologize.
Come on. Let's go.
Let's go, honey.
Let's go.
Come on.
Let's go.
It's a no.
You're here illegally
with forged passports.
You violated your parole.
You've committed a
robbery and a murder.
If the police were
informed, you spend
the rest of your life locked up,
probably never see
your country again.
You threatening me?
You're in this just as
much as we are, princess.
I'm not involved
in the slightest.
And whatever you say,
they'll believe me over a pair
of convicted criminals.
Oh, and let's not forget
the museum CCTV footage of
your recent shambolic endeavor.
You know, I think they'll
be able to match your faces,
despite your mastery of
disguise with baseball caps.
Oh, no, I think they worked.
They were shit.
I'll be upstairs in
the bar for 15 minutes.
Excuse me.
What's shambolic?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
What's wrong with me?
What are you talking about?
It's a no?
You said it's a no like
five fucking times.
- It's a no.
- It's a no?
She could call the cops on us.
She could-- calm down.
Lower your fucking voice.
She could call the cops on us.
We're going to listen
to what she has to say.
What are you wearing?
Are you-- what are
you Ron Jeremy?
This is what--
this is what I wear--
Please, God.
--when I get out of the shower,
and I don't want to put
on pants, and I want
to feel like a goddamn man.
Please take that off.
In the name of baby Jesus,
take that thing off.
I am so sorry.
What is this?
You put on a shirt?
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Are you trying to
look pretty for someone?
Is it for me?
Do you want to
look pretty for me?
Maybe.
No, I don't think it's me.
Hello, handsome.
You all right, lads?
How's the knee?
Better.
Looks fantastic.
You?
I think I need a dentist.
We're sorry about
everything, sir.
It's not a problem.
You kept quiet, yeah?
Not a word.
Shut up ever since.
You are?
Yeah.
Well, we're gonna get you
a doctor, get you a dentist--
dentist, give you some cash,
send you away somewhere.
Get some sun till
things die down.
How would you fancy Spain?
Sounds good, boss.
You two hungry?
Fish and chips?
Yeah.
Can I have a private word?
Yeah.
Be back in a jiffy.
Chips and curry sauce.
Shishkabob.
Mush and peas.
Please, Deacon, Please.
Please, Deacon.
Please.
We get in there, you
let me do the talking, OK?
- You got it.
- I got this.
You're gonna give me the ball.
You're the captain.
I know exactly what to say.
- Run like OJ.
- Yes.
Take off your glasses.
We're not going to do it.
Do you want me
to call the police?
Yeah, go ahead.
Good luck with
everything, hambone,
because we're not gonna do it.
What is it that you want?
If we're going
to help, whatever
you got already planned--
I know you got something
already planned--
we want 80%, not 50%.
80%, not 50-50.
Do you understand?
Not 50-50.
That's not fair.
What do you mean
it's not fair?
We're not here to
bargain with you, princess.
- You need me.
- Us.
Us.
I need a moment to process
this information.
Take your moment.
Are you do-- is it happening?
20% will be sufficient.
Yes!
20-- sorry, 20% will be good.
All right, when this
is finished, I'm gone.
This is-- I'm done.
You understand?
I'm out of here.
That means I'm getting on a jet plane,
going across the pond
back to where I belong.
You understand?
You got me?
Do you copy that?
She got it.
80%.
Pineapple.
All right, chop, chop.
Great to be working
with you again, Eddie.
Right.
Sorry, could you concentrate?
Yeah.
Across this street
is Deacon's pub.
He lives there with
every illegal activity
that Arkady funds through it.
I suggest that we
monitor it, follow him
and his associates from here.
Our entrance is on a
completely different street.
Deacon won't see
us come in or out.
Our base-- we'll live here.
What's that smell?
Oh, sorry.
Good?
Makes sense.
I like it.
Dart board, I dig it.
What are you fucking crazy?
This mural's amazing.
- This place is a shit hole.
- We've got a lot of space.
I like--
They're painting
over the fucking feces.
You don't even smell that?
Smells like a gorilla
shit in his head and then
ate it and then shit
again on the ground.
You better get me a
hotel, because I'm
not fucking staying here.
Yeah, good.
Um, I've rented it.
There's food here in the fridge.
Bedding's in the other room.
Toiletries--
What the fuck is this?
You expect us to use
this cheap, waxy shit?
Well, if you want
more expensive items,
you'll have to pay for
them out of your pocket.
Now, as we're all
participating equally,
but I'm the sole person
who's forwarding funds,
I will want my share of
these purchase and the rent
on successful completion.
I've got an itemized bill with
receipts of my spend so far.
You are going to need
surveillance items.
Please list them,
but no purchases
will be made until everyone's
given the all-clear.
Agreed?
Nice--
nice..
Is that what you call them?
- Unique.
- Yes.
Crazy.
What if I do this like that, go
in there, Hong Kong Fu--
Interrupt me again, and I
will snap your fucking arm off,
Cornelius.
Listen up!
This is my high-end
moisturized toilet paper.
Nobody fuckin' uses it.
Do you understand?
Huh?
Do you fucking understand?
For next week?
Lunch?
Bye.
Um.
Why don't you get some sleep?
It's my shift.
Yeah.
Are always the best.
I'm sorry?
Come again?
In the '60s space race, NASA
were faced with the problem
of inventing a pen for
their astronauts that
would write in zero gravity--
spent million, eventually came
up with a pen that worked.
The Russians, faced
with the same problem,
gave their cosmonauts a pencil.
Are you a
Communist, Katherine?
Hey, dude, come on.
These are fun facts here.
Whether the story
is true or not,
the point is we have spent too
much time on a complex problem
while overlooking the
elegant, a simple solution
that's right before our eyes.
Is that how you figured out
about Louie and the steaks?
Well, that was obvious.
Total moron would've
spotted that.
I bought napkins, you know,
if you want to get a little--
I'm gonna-- yeah.
Hey.
My turn.
Any action?
No, nothing.
We know what we are
but not what we may be.
Wow.
Hey, how do you know
Katherine, anyway?
- She's my cousin.
- Really?
Yeah.
Why is she doing all this?
I mean, she's not exactly
the criminal type.
She was working
for a huge law firm.
Then, she met some
chap who convinced
her to give him her life
savings to start a business.
The business was going
under, so he asked
her to get a loan from Arkady.
She did, and the fucker
ran off with the money
and her best friend.
Next thing I know,
she's working solely
for Arkady to pay the debt off.
I tried to track him down,
but it was impossible.
Fucking snapped his neck.
On the porch.
I see him.
I'm on it.
I'm gonna follow him on foot.
My shift.
Yeah.
I actually may go for a walk.
I'm gonna go walk.
Go for a walk real quick.
Hello, darling.
What can I get you?
You can start by
getting me a beer.
- You're an American, are you?
- Yes, ma'am.
Say that again.
Yes, ma'am.
Well, I work for NASA.
No.
Yes, it's crazy.
Stephen Hawking got me the job.
But anyway, I had
to stop, because I
went on this insane mission.
One time, there was an asteroid
coming to earth, right?
Wow.
But we need to blow it
up, so it doesn't it earth.
We had to split it
into two, right?
But I came--
I'm so tired of
saving the world.
So I was like, you know what?
I'll just produce movies.
- I'm in the arts, you know.
- You?
What do you do?
Up there.
My pictures, you see?
You made those.
"Genital Fruits."
"Genital Fruits" is
what you call them.
My name's Dawn, by the way.
Teddy Roosevelt.
Oh, for fuck's sake, Dexter.
Excuse me.
I'm here at the
weekends usually.
Oh yeah?
No.
I told you it was over.
Now, off it.
Come on.
Good morning.
Top of the morning.
How did your--
your mission go?
Waste of time.
That bar was busy.
I couldn't understand
their accents, though.
They don't speak like you do.
No, they're old-school
working-class cockneys--
dying breed.
Kept saying the "C" word.
Cunt.
Yeah.
They kept saying "dog
and bone" and "throw
a pint down my Gregory."
Gregory Peck.
Yeah, throw-- throw a beer
down my Gregory Peck-- neck.
That's-- what is that?
It's rhyming,
Cockney rhyming slang.
Slang?
It's rhymes.
Dog and bone is, um, phone.
Cool. Dog and bone.
Gregory Peck neck.
Hey, mate.
Hey, mate.
Oy, mate.
Oy.
Innit?
Gregory Peck neck, innit--
innit?
Pretty good, huh?
I'll work on it.
Any tips?
Imagine you're chewing
on a sandwich whilst talking.
Right.
I'll bring my uncle Martin
and his pals in on this,
next time Deacon goes to that bar.
- See something?
- No.
No.
Thought there were--
that's-- it's my shift.
OK.
Tea, Eddie?
I'm good, thank you.
What are you doing?
Smell, do you?
Smell, do you?
Upon seeing a young lady,
degrading comments are made.
Mickey--
"I'd finger her with all five."
Deacon-- "You fucking cunt,
the only thing you've fingered
is your arsehole."
Laughter ensues.
George--
"Look at the tits on it.
I'd bang that whore
till it dropped off."
Milroy Primas--
"I never go down on bad pussy.
Mickey--
"I bet she could swallow
and fart at the same time."
I have swallow and part.
No, I think it's
"swallow and fart."
Doesn't make sense at all.
I agree.
What wold be the
point of swallowing...
Thank you, Uncle.
Very thorough.
Excellent work.
Not a problem, Thomas.
May I ask,
is Mr. Deacon a herpetologist?
What's that?
Well, it's from the Greek
"herpene," meaning "to creep";
a branch of zoology dealing
with the study of amphibians.
I'm asking because the gentleman
with the extravagant
hairstyle, Deacon,
he kept on repeating,
"Blue Iguana."
Blue Iguana this,
blue Iguana that.
"The money that fat tub of shit,
Arkady, and us will be making
will be fucking orgasmic."
Blue Iguana, it's a diamond.
Sorry, are we-- what happened?
Blue Iguana-- it's a diamond.
Oh, does it have
magical powers, like it
curses anybody who touches it?
You see what you're going to
look like when you're old?
No, it's just a diamond.
If you look into, do
you see your future?
In the '80s, a Turkish
prince married an Englishwoman.
He purchased the Blue
Iguana as a wedding gift.
He loved her.
But she partied, gambled.
She was too wild for him.
It didn't work.
But wouldn't divorce her.
He went home, sent
her to Switzerland,
provided her with a
few million a year.
My heart bleeds.
A few months ago, I heard
he decided to take her back.
He wants to present
her at a family
gathering wearing the diamond.
So?
So she lost it in a card game
to a man named Jacob Taylor.
Without it, he
won't take her back.
The diamond is kept in a
high-security safety deposit
center.
If Arkady steals the
diamond for the princess,
she'll be welcomed
back and ensure that he
is too, very lucrative for him.
Arkady's tired of
funding Deacon's
illegal activities to survive.
He wants to make a large
amount of money and retire.
Do you know this princess?
Vaguely.
Arkady introduced
us, did some work for him.
And how do you propose we get into
this high-tech facility, huh?
You've got to be juiced
up on the inside.
We know fucking nothing.
They could have security
systems, timers, smart waters,
fucking motion sensor detectors.
They could have all that
shit, and we don't know.
Because we can't fuckin' see.
Don't need to know.
We'll steal it from
Deacon when he steals it,
give it to the princess,
collect the reward.
Simple solution to
a complex problem.
OK.
If that simple solution works,
what do you think she'll pay?
Between $5 million
to $6 million?
And is that pounds or--
No, that's pounds.
That's pounds.
You know, the
other day when I was--
when I went into--
you know, when I tried to--
I wanted to say I was tired.
My head was--
I'm sorry.
And thanks for getting
Arkady off our backs
and saving our lives.
So did anything--
I owe you, OK?
After they steal it, how
are they going to this rock
to the princess?
Diamond.
Yeah, the Purple Serpent
or whatever it is.
Well, Arkady can't go
to her in Switzerland
because of various offenses.
So she's either coming here,
or he's sending a courier.
He won't trust a courier.
He's going to want to
give it to her personally.
If we find out
when she's coming,
we'll know when they're
hitting the diamond.
I know her travel agent.
She's coming here.
He may tell me.
Do it.
Call him.
Could I have a
cappuccino to go, please?
He said she's coming in a month.
He said that she's
coming in a month.
We can't wait a month.
What do you suggest?
We need to twist the
pig's ear, watch it squeal.
Yes, clearly.
I don't understand
that metaphor.
We need to put the
squeeze on Arkady,
so the cops jump all over him.
And he's forced into
stealing the diamond sooner
rather than later.
It's got to be
something big, but you'd
have to scare the crap out of
him, panic him into action.
Arkady just claimed
insurance on this building.
He upped his
insurance policy just
before Deacon set fire to it.
He used the insurance money so
he could fix it up and sell it,
but the police are still
investigating the incident.
That's good.
That's good.
You thinking what I'm thinking?
Possibly.
Yeah?
We blow the
hell out of the building,
so the police jump all over
Arkady, which should make
him steal the diamond faster.
Got full crew in the car.
Roger, Pauly.
Go get him, Corny.
Over and out.
Yep.
All right, you son of a bitch.
Bullseye.
Bullseye.
My shift.
Yeah.
Hey, Tommy, do you mind if I
borrow your gun real quick?
What? Why?
I'm going to
the pub next door.
I'm gonna snoop around.
Feel safer having it on
me, you know what I mean?
Have you told Eddie
about your visits?
What's-- who cares--
it's not even a big--
he won't even care-- we're--
you know what I mean?
So.
It's a special edition
Glock 26 polymer-framed
semiautomatic pistol.
Try not to kill a child.
Yeah, no, no.
I wouldn't kill a child.
I am just honestly going next--
I'm going to probably
find something out,
so it's good to have this
just in case I need a --
So fuck you.
Have fun.
Let me get a
whiskey and whatever
the pretty lady would like.
Hello, Ted.
Oh, you remember my name.
Yeah.
How's the girlfriend, the?
Oh, no, I don't
have a girlfriend.
She left me when I
was on the asteroid.
I know.
And I loved her.
I mean, I loved her.
I gave her everything.
I gave her cars.
I gave her love.
But when you're on that asteroid
and you're saving the world,
it becomes--
like you become like a hero.
And sometimes, I can't handle.
Here you go, darling.
Well, make the bitch
die confused and alone.
Fuck yeah.
Hey, um, why don't you and
I get a little dinner, maybe
a drink, and talk about this?
I've made other arrangements.
Excuse me?
Where are you going?
I have to go.
You don't have time for--
See you later!
If you come with me right now,
you may find yourself having
an experience so
fucking intense,
it'll make you feel
lit up from the inside
like you've never
fucking felt before.
It's so great to see you.
Oh, actually, actually, you
know, where's your bathroom?
In the pub.
Good.
I'm gonna-- I'm
gonna use it, OK?
And then, you're
going to go upstairs?
Yeah.
OK, I'm gonna fuck you?
I'm gonna have it--
I'm going-- I'm going
to do this and this?
Promises, promises, eh?
Don't be long.
Anyway, so.
I'm just
running to the toilet.
I'll be back.
Fuck off, having a shit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yup, yup, yup.
Fuck.
Got it.
What are you doing here?
How weird.
Came here for the
fish and chips.
This is a good restaurant.
You OK?
And now on, it's Robert
Danova with "Notte D'amore"
Disgusting little man.
Who is that guy?
He the guy who
took all your cash?
Tommy told you?
Why do women always go
for these douche bags?
Why are you talking to this guy?
You can call me naive,
but I thought he wanted
to get back with me.
He wanted money.
You want me to kick his ass?
I was joking.
Forget about him,
me kicking his ass.
Positive-- you've got
to stay positive, honey.
Glass half--
glass half full.
You know, I saved your life.
And you said if there was a
favor you could do for me--
Katherine, look,
let me explain.
It's-- it's-- it's embarrassing.
I'm taking these.
Katherine?
Katherine.
Where are you going?
Let's not do this.
Come on, have a chip.
Sit down.
Relax.
Out of my way.
Hey, stop being a douche bag.
Come on.
Get your hands
off me, you American prick.
Fucking hell.
You want some more money?
Can I make you some coffee?
Where you been?
Nowhere.
Stop.
What the fuck?
Is that my fucking toilet paper?
No.
Yes, it is.
That's my fucking toilet paper.
Where's my gun?
I don't have it
on me right now.
What gun?
What happened?
Paul went to Deacon's pub and
fucked what I can only assume
was the ghost of Christmas past.
Son of a bitch.
Where's my gun?
OK, it might be in
the toilet of Deacon's pub.
First things first,
where are my wet wipes?
They wanted me for Frodo.
No shit, Frodo Baggins?
This is 1999.
I was, much thinner then.
The director, he loved me.
Took me for lunch,
said I was too tall.
To make me hobbit size was
going to add a $1 million
per foot.
Yeah, $1 million a foot
for every effects shot.
A million dollars?
I'm six-foot-two.
Yeah, you're huge.
So they went with
the shorter fellow.
Elijah Wood.
Fuck that.
You know what?
I'm going to put you in
my independent movie.
Really?
Yes.
Think about it for a second, OK?
It starts with a
45-minute one-shot.
Do you like lens flare?
Fuck, I love lens flare.
There's so much lens flare in
this, you're going to be like,
what?
What's going on?
There's so much
fucking lens flare.
- Close your eyes.
- Yeah.
I'm gonna give you
the working title--
"No More Nothing."
Yeah.
Yeah.
"No More Nothing."
Think about it.
I like it.
Yeah?
I like it, Pauly.
It's dark.
It sort of hangs.
Hangs there, doesn't it?
Yeah.
But then, it just drops.
Into nothing or--
Everything.
Hey, come on, guys.
Let's move.
We've got other floors to do.
Let's go.
Ordinates working well?
Yeah, perfect, sir.
Thank you for your help.
You're a good man, Uncle Martin.
Where do want this?
Right there, Corny.
Yeah, pack it to the brim.
When in doubt--
Overload?
I spot a fellow military
man from a mile away.
Ever so thrilled to be
working with you all again.
All this sitting
around on cool surfaces
is terrible for the prostate.
Prostate?
We all know roughly
where it is, but where
exactly is the prostate?
Well, you know when you
shove your finger up your ass?
No.
Do people do-- what do you mean?
Get that thing out
of my fucking face.
You've got to just
wrap those things up.
- Yeah, look at it.
- It's disgusting.
This is going to
save your life one day.
Imagine if you have
a hole right here.
Get that thing away--
Hey, guys, come on.
Everybody's
be fucking let go.
I wish I--
You still got that?
How long you had
this fucking thing?
For a while,
but if you get hurt,
you're going to want me to use.
You need to keep it sterile.
I say.
Someone's been shopping.
Do you want us to--
are we blowing--
we're blowing someone up, right?
Should we--
Yeah.
Let's, um-- yeah, so, don't
touch it till you're ready.
Police have called.
They're preparing
investigation into the matter,
especially because you claimed
insurance on the previous fire.
They found traces of explosives.
I'll do my best, but we are
sailing close to the wind
on this one, Arkady.
Couple of my sources
tell me that the police
will arrest you in the next
few days, maybe even today.
Seems you have a
personal grudge.
Any idea who could have done it?
You know, in my country,
you could talk to anyone--
judges, police, lawyers.
Just give them a
little something,
and they make things disappear.
I miss it, my people.
They understood these
ways, because they're
human, not like these
dishonest bumfuckers.
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
Look, see if you can buy
some time with the police.
Say-- what?
Say anything.
Yeah?
Yeah, look, find--
find your own way out.
I've got to go, so--
Yeah?
OK, I see him.
I got him.
Up, two, three, four, and up.
Up.
Hold it here.
Four, three, two, one.
Let's go.
And up, two, three, four.
And squeeze.
Gotta be kidding me.
Up, two, three, four,
and squeeze, squeeze, squeeze.
Up, two, three,
four, and freeze.
Ridiculous.
What is he doing?
Is this like a British thing?
Put the squeeze on this guy, he
goes to a fucking salsa class.
I don't think this is salsa.
This is some sort of fusion, sort
of Nazi-themed with
urban street dance.
Tommy.
Ridiculous.
What else we gotta do?
We blew up a fucking building.
He spends hours there.
He's drinking smoothies,
eating granola.
This is nothing.
Corny, did you get
anything today?
Little fella.
Tommy?
Nothing, yeah.
Great.
What have you got with
Deacon and the boys?
Followed them into town.
Saw them for hours.
Lost them for like 30 minutes.
Saw them again right here at the
pub, and that's where they are.
I had fucking nothing for today.
Great.
We have fucking nothing.
What are we doing?
Eddie, what do we do?
Eddie!
Eddie, stop.
What are we fucking doing?
I'm sorry, princess,
we got to go.
You're sorry?
Don't fucking call me princess.
What are you saying?
You're just going to
go back to America?
If we stay here any longer,
we're in trouble, big trouble.
It's that easy for you?
Well, before you go, let me just
tell you that that bag that's
in this video is our
bag, the same bag you
stole which had the bonds in.
And the man taking
the bag here is
head of security at the Blue
Iguana safety deposit center,
where the Blue Iguana's stored.
Arkady's clearly
exchanged the bonds you
stole for the security codes.
They're going to just walk
straight in-- no safe cracking,
no explosives-- just
take the Blue Iguana
and walk straight out.
Your plan to put the squeeze
on Arkady actually worked.
But if you're just so
desperate to leave,
don't let me stop you.
I need some ice cream.
You all right?
Just tired.
Want a little?
Have a little--
little ice cream?
Yes?
Oh, hello.
Yeah.
OK.
Thank you.
That was the princess's
travel agent.
He says she's landing
in a few hours,
staying at a hotel
for six hours,
and then flying straight out.
Tell me what happened
with Deacon again.
Yep.
Followed him and the apes all
day, lost them in town for bit,
picked them back up, followed
them to Deacon's pub,
and that's where
they are right now.
They closed the place
down for the night.
It's Uncle Martin.
Arkady just got on a
train back into town.
They stole it today.
They have the diamond.
They got the diamond.
They got the diamond.
What's happening?
They stole it when you lost
them in town for 30 minutes.
Arkady must have
left town, so he
wouldn't be around
when it was stolen
in case something happened.
He's coming back now,
knowing it's been successful.
They'll deliver it to Arkady,
who'll give it to the princess
today.
Gang's protecting
Deacon until delivery.
We need to hit
the pub right now.
Wait.
Wait Wait.
I don't know if we have to go--
we don't have to go right now.
We can't go in
there guns blazing.
That's fucking suicide.
What about this?
Let's think for a second.
We're not even thinking.
We're not throwing ideas around.
If we think like
an intricate plan
that involves no violence
and no guns at all and then
we sneak in when
they're totally unaware
and do it without shooting
or fucking killing--
because we could do that.
We're sneaky.
Let's think it
through for a second.
Why don't you sit
this one out, pal?
Maybe I watch
from the monitor,
make sure everything's
going wrong--
if something goes wrong, I--
- Yeah.
I'll yell--
someone needs to.
Someone needs to
watch the monitor.
You know what I mean?
Outside in 10?
Hey.
Listen, I told
the guys if we get
the rock and something happens
to one of us, just keep going.
This yours?
- Let me see it.
- Maybe.
OK.
It's just a dumb comic book.
Final battle.
His castle lies ahead.
He holds her captive there.
I have no fear.
Her love is my
shield against evil,
for I know she would
sacrifice her life for me
also, for her love is true.
Does it match my blue eyes?
Get the car.
I'm going for a piss.
You'll be fine.
I need to ditch that car.
Your timing is perfect.
Had some
trouble with the police
on the way to you.
What kind of trouble?
We don't know yet.
Can't move.
Where are you?
Between places.
I'll call you in an hour.
No, don't.
Where did you go,
David fucking Blaine?
I went to get the car, boss.
Car?
Where's the car, France?
It was around the
corner, but then, you've
got to get it nice and warm.
Get it warm?
It's fucking summer.
The air conditioning in
that car-- it should be
warm for the air conditioning.
It's like fucking Vietnam,
fucking Syria, fucking ISIS
all rolled into fucking one
in here.
ISIS-- ISIS?
ISIS, it's a
terrorist organization
formed out of Al-Qai-- watch--
watch the fucking news!
It does get very hot
in the car, there, boss.
Shut your mouth,
you fucking twat.
Move that useless lump downstairs
with the other useless prats.
What are you
laughing at, yankee?
I love that accent.
It's crazy exotic.
You're the one that's tied
to a fucking pool table,
so I'd keep your fucking
mouth fucking shut.
Are we gonna be here
for a while, you think?
How much she paying you, that
ugly fucking four-eyed cow?
Hey, don't worry about her.
Yeah?
Everything is going
to be just fine.
I don't fucking trust her.
She could be playing
you like a violin, man.
Eh, maybe.
I don't know.
I just hope I'm
fucking wrong about her.
Wrong about her?
Hope she cares more
about you than the diamond,
because you're my fucking
only way out of here, yankee.
Do you get me?
It's him.
I've got what you want.
You've got what I want.
What are you gonna do?
All right, I'll give
you what you want,
but only in a public place.
I'm gonna send someone
over to stay with you,
see if our man's OK.
Once you've released him
to my friend and he's safe,
I'll hand it over.
Where?
Morris, Lover
Lane, 45 minutes.
You're gonna have
to go in there.
No fucking way.
No, they're
not going to do anything
to you, as long as I have this.
Anyway, they do
know you're coming.
What the fuck are
you talking about?
What the fuck is
happening right now?
You left the
gun in the toilet.
Oh my god.
The gun you left in the toilet.
- Is it still there?
- I don't know.
Maybe. I have no idea.
Here's
what's going to happen.
You go in there, see if he's OK.
You ask permission
to use the toilet.
You get the gun.
I'll phone you when I'm with
Deacon, say "good luck."
Get the gun out, start shooting.
Just fucking kill them all.
Oh, but oh, this
isn't "The Godfather,"
and I'm not Al
fucking Pacino, OK?
Listen.
Listen, Katherine,
I'm not a killer.
I know I bigged
myself up to you,
but I'm just a fucking
smartass with a big mouth.
I'd gathered.
Thing is, Paul, that you
sat the last one out.
If you'd been with us, Tommy
might not have been injured.
And Eddie definitely
wouldn't have been taken.
I can't do it.
Got no choice, princess.
Think you're smart
picking this place
near a police station?
You have any idea what I'm gonna
do to that ugly face of yours
when this is over?
Put up your hands
up against the wall.
Where?
Over there.
You all right?
Hey, man, never been better.
Feel great.
Yeah?
You sit down.
You shut your mouth.
Great to see you, pal.
Over there.
What the heck you doing here?
Oh, I was just passing by.
Shut up.
I want him out of there,
and then I'll give it you.
Well, let's see it.
I could do with a smoke.
Disappearing again?
Get some cigarettes.
You're making a
habit out of this.
I'll be back.
Just get back
quicker this time, yeah?
Can I go to the
bathroom, please?
Are you scared, mate?
He's got a bad tummy.
Upset tummy, yeah?
Yes.
Go ahead and fuck off.
It's over there.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
What the fuck are you doing?
Hurry up.
Come on.
Yeah?
Put their guy on.
Hello?
Is he OK?
Yeah.
Yeah, he's OK.
OK, well call me
you're both safe.
Good luck.
Can I get you anything, sir?
Fuck off.
This one's on you,
ugly son of a bitch.
Goodbye, Katherine.
Thank you for the call.
You are now debt-free.
Now, now, you
don't want to cause
a scene with the local
constabulary here, eh?
She's got the diamond.
Of course.
She's got it.
She's got it.
She's got it.
You steal it and
then call Katherine
to bribe her to take
you to the princess
to take everything yourself.
Arkady, she stole it.
Like you tried to steal
the bonds by sending
those two men of yours.
You know, they turned up
with holes in their heads.
Hey.
What's that smell?
You smell that?
George, George, George, George,
George, George, of the Jungle.
What the fuck is that smell?
Do you smell that?
Was that in your pants?
You got some poopy
in your pants,
little boy Georgie-borgie?
Georgie got a
poopy in his pants?
That smells like a
skunk with fucking
herpes crawled up your fucking
red baboon ass and fucking
died.
Jesus Christ, you stink.
Fucking take a
bath, motherfucker.
Shut the fuck up.
Fuck!
Motherfuck.
It's OK.
It's just blood.
Let's-- come on, let's go.
It's OK.
Come here.
Untie me.
Fuck!
What are you fucking doing?
Stopping the bleeding.
Get the fuck away from me.
Fucking untie me.
Jesus Christ.
The fuck is the matter with you?
Oh, fuck.
Hey, it's OK.
Just go-- go wash it off.
Hey, where's-- is she OK?
Where's Katherine?
Where's Katherine?
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- What's up?
Yeah, not much.
What took you so long?
Sorry.
You need to see this.
OK, we don't have much time.
Guys, did I
get everything off?
Well, did George
accidentally shoot
himself in the head because of
the guilt of smelling so bad?
I had a yankee tied to
the fucking pool table.
Oh yeah?
Did-- did-- did he want
a share of the diamond,
and you wouldn't give it to him?
What are you talking about?
All my men are fucking dead.
Well, I can see that.
I've been shot
in the shoulder, Arkady.
It's a nice shirt, that one.
Look, make sure all the doors
are locked and come back?
You know what?
I know it's here somewhere.
She's got the diamond.
I'm not going to look for it--
--because you are going
to tell me where it is.
Yeah?
She's got the diamond,
I swear on my life.
You got shot in your shoulder?
Am I stupid?
Am I stupid?
Am I stupid?
Nice.
Where's the diamond, eh?
Where's the diamond?
You.
But--
Yes!
Who's the boss now, eh?
Look at you, you're dead.
You're fucking dead!
Na, na, na, na, na.
Bastard.
We have a car.
Are we all shipshape?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Splendid.
Shit.
Fuck.
I forgot.
Are you OK?
Just don't bleed
on my car, will you?
What you doing here?
What you done to your hand?
Caught it in a door.
Fucking retard.
I got tickets for Barbados.
We've got to leave now
to catch your flight.
You're having
a laugh, what, now?
Yeah, well my passport and
bags are my sister's so.
We can swing by.
I've got to see a friend
at a hotel on the way.
Well, you coming?
All right, keep
your fucking hair on.
What is it?
What is that?
The place has
VIPs all the time.
Don't worry about it.
Just keep moving.
We're going upstairs.
Sit down.
No, no, sit down.
Do you need me?
OK, we're going to sit down
in a normal, unsuspicious way.
Watch this.
What's in your pockets?
Nothing.
Always it's a little
firecracker, OK?
Jesus, there's a
fucking cop over there.
I know there's a
fucking cop over there.
It's a-- it's a
very small bomb, OK?
Very small-- it's very small.
Fuck's sake, we're going
upstairs to see a princess.
You don't know.
You don't know.
How well do you
know this princess?
If you get into trouble,
I am not helping you out.
Come on.
Let's go.
Don't tell me what to do.
Visiting someone at
the Star Plaza Hotel.
Oh, this is the Premium
Plaza Hotel car park.
You want our sister hotel?
That's just five
minutes away, sir.
It's a common mistake.
Deacon, you are
a fucking spastic.
Can you let me in?
I'll come straight out.
I can' do a U-turn.
Yes, but you'll need to
take a ticket to come in.
And then, you'll have to
pay when you come out.
It doesn't matter here
just for a minute.
How much?
Christ on a bike, it
says 10 pound on the sign.
He's a bit dim, just
like his poor, deceased father.
So sorry about this.
Hey, get a move on.
Thank you so much.
Hi.
What about the-- the delivery.
OK, follow me.
Katherine, what
are you doing here?
Where's Arkady?
Well, actually, I
don't work for him anymore.
But we have your diamond.
You look different.
Oh, no.
No, no.
Nothing like that.
Oy, moron,
where are we going?
Don't tell me you're fucking
lost in a fucking car park.
We've got to get to the airport.
I've got to pack my
bags, get sorted.
What the fuck's going on?
What?
I said, what's going on
with you, you fucking moron?
Oh my god, you are
dim, aren't you,
just like your fucking dad?
Right nonce he turned out to be.
13-and-a-half I
was-- 13-and-a-half
when he took my innocence.
Should have had you
fucking terminated.
And look what he produced.
Look at it.
Look at the little shit
he fucking well produced.
Come on, for fuck's sake.
Get a move-- what?
Move.
Drive the fucking car.
Move it!
What the fuck is
the matter with you?
What the fuck?
What the--
Be polite for once in
your life, fucking rude cow!
Look what you fucking made me
do, you fucking stupid cow.
Fuck!
Let me help you
with that, sir.
Show me.
Stefan?
Yes, ma'am?
Stop shaking your leg.
I'm gonna be back in
one second, all right?
Paul, no, don't go
in-- what are you doing?
Paul.
Paul.
- Don't.
- Sorry, sir.
Yeah?
Can't let you go in there.
What's, what's shooting?
Some zombie shit.
Shooting on the roof.
Holy fuck.
Is that Kyle Nathan?
He's tiny.
He needs a lot of boxes, huh?
We're gonna
need a bigger box.
I'm gonna say hello
to him real quick.
- I can't let you go in there.
- I'm a film producer.
- I've really got to get inside.
- That's not going to happen.
You sure?
Are you sure?
Yeah, you can't go in there.
Kyle.
Kyle.
Hey, Kyle.
Kyle?
Kyle.
Kyle?
Of course, sir.
They're filming a
zombie movie on the roof.
Couldn't give a fuck.
Right.
Kyle Nathan's in it.
I'm sure you give
a fuck now, right?
- He's a friend.
- No idea who he is.
- Is he?
- Great friend.
OK.
You know him?
Yeah.
I don't wanna bother
him, though, so.
All right.
- Never heard of him.
- Really?
Young guy?
He's a huge-- huge--
kicks and punches
and all that stuff.
Oh, right,
He's that guy
who jump in the air,
and he kicks and punches
at the same time.
Right.
So he hit your
balls in your face.
Pretty incredible.
Katherine, can I ask you a question?
Yes. yes, of course.
Got any coke?
No.
Weed?
No.
All right,
kids, let's look alive.
Let's go.
Right.
We take a little
trip to the bathroom.
Keep your mouths fucking
shut, or I'll fucking
drop the light here right now.
Now, move, you bunch of
sunglass-wearing cunts.
- Move!
- What?
You don't want to get some
tea and talk about it?
Look at you lot, pack
of fucking cunts.
Whatever happened to
normal fucking people,
like me and my dad, the
1982 England World Cup team?
What happened to proper men--
Telly Savalas, Lee Majors--
masculine, proper fucking man?
You, fucking American
cunt, you're first.
I'm gonna get a
big fucking knife
and stab your fat fucking head--
stab it so many fucking times,
it's going explode.
And then, I'm gonna shoot you.
I'm gonna shoot you
between the head.
And you, you devious
four-eyed ugly cow,
I'm gonna set fire to
your tits with petrol.
And you, I'm gonna cut
your fucking balls off
and staple them to
your fucking ears.
And you, Groucho, I'm
gonna cut your dick
off and turn it into ravioli.
I'm gonna get this ugly
bastard, this ginger
fuck ugly busted to rape
you with a fucking strap-on.
He's going to have two cocks?
Yeah.
So how does it work?
Is the strap-on
above the first cock?
Yes.
That would just fuck
my asshole and above my--
Shut up!
Shut your fucking mouth!
Listen.
Listen, Billy.
Back up, back up--
who the fuck is Billy?
You're going for the whole
Billy Ray Cyrus thing, right?
Shut up.
Business in the front,
party in the back.
I--
Shut up!
How's that song?
We'll give you a little
bit of that song.
Don't tell my
heart-- go head, help me out.
Don't break my heart,
my achy breaky heart.
I just don't think
he'd understand.
Shut up!
Help me out.
Shut the fuck up!
'Cause if you break my heart,
my achy breaky heart, he might
blow up and kill this man.
Shut your fucking mouth!
Get out!
Go fuck yourself.
Someone
blew up in front of us!
Someone blew up in front of us!
It's OK.
- It's OK.
- Just calm down.
Someone's going to hear you.
How did you know that wasn't
gonna blow all of us up?
What?
How did you know that wasn't
gonna blow up all of us?
Very small.
It's a very small bomb.
It's like a firecracker, OK?
Lower your voice, because
there's people outside.
Lower your voice.
The money's all
ruined, all of it.
Not all of it.
We've got a cashier's check.
You've always
got to plan ahead.
I'm sick.
Aways plan ahead.
We didn't want to
carry that much cash,
so we asked for a cashier's
check for five million pounds.
Huh?
I'm sorry, we have
five million pounds?
Five.
Five million pounds.
I'm sorry, we have
five million pounds?
Guys?
Guys.
Guys.
Guys, guys, we have
a very big problem.
There's no water.
Look at us.
The place is full of
policemen and security.
How the fuck are we
going to get
How are we going to get out?
OK.
Hey, just a minute.
- Oh, Christ.
- Good.
Fanta-- so we're with the
move-- we're with the movie.
We're zombies.
And we had to go-- we had to
head off and go to craft room.
But we're zombies.
Tommy, we're zombies.
Show him.
Oh, right, sorry.
Of course, go
right through, sir.
Just a minute-- better
escort you to the exit.
Follow me, please.
Let's go inside.
That makes sense.
That all makes sense.
Thank you.
What's that?
It's Latin.
It means, to dare is to do.
To dare is to do.
I like that.
It's, chivalrous.
Paul, lovely to work with you.
Pleasure.
Cornelius, always a pleasure.
Eddie, it's been
a sincere pleasure
working with you again.
And if you're ever in
London, call me anytime.
You got it pal.
Thank you.
All right.
Yup.
You're independable.
All right.
Now.
Oh, Jesus.
Flattered.
Yeah, no.
Too much.
Katherine.
Tommy.
Corny, you want to
hear about my movie?
Why not indeed?
It's going
to cost $1 billion.
Yeah.
Look after this for
me for a second?
Farewell, chaps.
Bye, Corny.
The road that has no turnings.
What the fuck did he say?
No, don't know.
Yes.
I always flirt with death.
I could kill, but I
don't care about it.
I can face your threats and
stand up straight and tall
and shout about it.
I think I'm on another
world with you, with you.
I'm on another planet
with you, with you.
You get under my skin.
I don't find it irritating.
You always play to
win, but I won't
need rehabilitating, oh no.
I think I'm on another
world with you, with you.
I'm on another planet
with you, with you.
Another girl, another planet.
Another girl, another planet.
Now, it's the time,
as the days grow short
and the long nights end
in sun in a rise, blinded
by light as we familiarize.
Feeling right by summer,
sipping on some coconut water.
When we recover, and
we saunter back to our quarter.
Bunch of tin can drummers.
All night.
Fuck the tin can
drummers.
'Cause I gotta
speed it up, up, up.
Yeah, I gotta speed
it up, up, up.
Now, I gotta speed
it up, up, up.
Yeah, I gotta speed
it up, up, up.
'Cause I gotta speed it up.
Gotta speed it up.
'Cause I gotta speed it up.
Now, I gotta speed it up.