Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003) - full transcript

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[WATER SPLASHING]

JEFF: Whose idea was this?
LARRY: I don't know.

BILL:
I tell you what.
This is fun.

I don't even
want to go in the limo.

You're going to snag it up.

No, but, see, it floats.

You know what?

I'm looking forward
to that show.

Oh, man.
It sold out.

Good cast.



That was a beautiful cast
wasn't it?

He can cast great.

He just can't catch anything.

He's a great caster.

[MEN LAUGHING]

Want to do a fishing show?

All you think about
is fishing shows.

I tell you what,
I hate those things, man.

Every cast they do,
they catch a fish.

We got $5000 worth of gear here,

And we can't get
the bugs to bite.

First time I went fishing,

I was going with this girl.

We were going down to the lake.



She wanted to make love
on a horse,

And I'd never done it,
and we did it,

I'm trying to keep
my balance, and she fell off.

Then the manager of the Wal-Mart
come out and unplugged him.

I didn't want to make love
on a horse.

I wanted to do it
on a rocket ship they had.

[MEN LAUGHING]

Oh, man.
Shut up.

RON:
Who do you think has been
with the ugliest woman here?

BILL:
Have you ever been
with an ugly woman?

RON:
The ugliest woman
I've been with

I was with last week.

And...

I'm starting to miss her.

[MEN LAUGH]

BILL:
You remember that movie,
9 1/2 Weeks?

When that fella had
that woman all blindfolded

And was feeding her fruit?
RON: Oh, yeah.

I had this idea
to try that at my house.

Well, apparently,
bologna and string cheese

Is not a big turn-on
for a woman.

[LAUGHING]

Choose your condiment correctly.

JEFF:
One of those shows
I was watching

Said the big thing now

Is you're supposed
to talk to your partner

While you're making love.

BILL:
I heard that. Yeah.

JEFF:
Which, where I come from, means,
"Ain't no cars coming. Relax."

[CAR HORN HONKS]

JEFF:
Hey, there's David.

David!

LARRY:
Does he see us out here?

JEFF:
We're in the middle of a lake,
in a boat.

If he can't,
I ain't riding with him.

DAVID: Come on, guys.
JEFF: Better get your stuff in.

BILL:
Oh, man, are you serious?

Come on! Got a show to do!

♪ Well, they're gonna
Put me in the movies ♪

♪ They're gonna make
A big star out of me ♪

♪ We'll make a film about a man
That's sad and lonely ♪

♪ And all I gotta do
Is act naturally ♪♪

[WHISTLING]

Have you ever had makeup on?

One time, but I was young
and needed the money.

DAVID: Hey, guys.
David!

I didn't want to interrupt you.
Listen, I took the liberty

Of doing a little shopping
for you guys.

Now, as we discussed before,

I just think you should
give some color,

Bring it to the stage, pizzazz.

David, this is the most dressed
up Larry has been all year long.

That's great.
Listen, guys, pick a suit.

They're all labeled.
Try them on.

Knock it out the box,
and I'll be back in a minute.

Okay, fellas?

BILL: Do we put them on now?

[♪♪♪]

No way!

RON:
Special sale? He bought stuff
that was on sale?

We're trying to get people's
favorite Jeff Foxworthy jokes.

You know you're a redneck

If you go to a family reunion
looking for a wife.

You might be a redneck...

If the tires on your truck
cost more than your truck.

You might be a redneck...

If you find yourself
climbing a water tower...

To erase your sister's name.

If your wife has ever said:

"Come move this transmission,
so I can take a bath!"

I'm not just dead sure
I've got underwear on.

There ain't no way I'm squeezing
into these things.

First of all, Tammy Faye Bakker,

I want to say...
I'm kidding you! Come on!

DAVID:
You know you're
a redneck if:

Your mother can tell
a state trooper to...

Kiss her ass.

Kiss her ass

Without taking the Marlboro
out of her mouth.

You might be a redneck if you...

Got a motor swinging
from your tree.

An engine swinging from a tree.

LARRY:
Look at this belt, fellas.

[MEN CHEERING]

RON:
I didn't even know they made
a 28-button suit.

[LAUGHS]

You know you're a redneck if:

You might be a redneck if...

You know you're a redneck
when you're mowing your lawn...

Have to mow your lawn...
Mow your front yard...

If you mow your grass,
and you find a car.

You might be a redneck
if you go to a dance

And they say, "Do the hoedown,"

And you throw your girlfriend
on the floor.

JEFF: What's up, G?

A lot of white people in here
this evening.

Where's my whores?
Where's my whores?

DAVID: You guys look
like my relatives!

You can't go on-stage
dressed like that!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Phoenix, Arizona, this is it!

Are you guys ready to laugh?

Make some noise, please,
for Mr. Ron White!

Yesterday I was sitting in
a beanbag chair naked,

Eating Cheetos.

And I was flipping
through the television,

And I saw Robert Tilton.

He's a televangelist
from Dallas,

And he was staring at me.

He said this. He said:

"Are you lonely?"

"Yeah."

He said, "Have you wasted
half your life in bars

Pursuing sins of the flesh?"

"This guy's good!"

He said, "Are you sitting in
a beanbag chair naked,

Eating Cheetos?"

"Yes, sir!"

He said, "Do you feel the urge
to get up and send me $1000?"

Close!

I thought he was talking
about me there for a second.

So anyway, I flew here
from Flagstaff

Because my manager
doesn't own a globe.

I flew here on a plane that big.

Like a pack of gum
with eight people in it, just:

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

We took off
from the Flagstaff Airport,

Hair Care and Tire Center there.

We're traveling at half
the speed of smell.

We got passed by a kite.

There was a goose behind us,

And the pilot was going,
"Go around!"

We get halfway to Phoenix,
we got to go back.

It's a nine-minute flight.

Can't pull it off
with this equipment.

We had some engine trouble.

We lost some oil pressure
in one of the engines,

And they told us about it

Over the speaker system
of the plane,

Which was stupid,

Because they could
have just went:

"Hey, we lost some oil
pressure."

"Heard you!"

It was weird. Everybody
on the plane was nervous,

But I'd been drinking
since lunch,

And I was like,
"Take it down. I don't care."

You ever have one of those days?

"Hit something hard.

I don't want to
limp away from this wreck."

The guy sitting next to me
is losing his mind.

Apparently, he had a lot
to live for.

He goes, "Hey, man,
ooh, ooh, ooh,

"hey, man, ooh,
if one of these engines fails,

How far will the other one
take us?"

"All the way to the scene
of the crash.

[CLAPPING AND CHEERING]

"Which is pretty handy

"because that's
where we're headed.

I bet we beat the paramedics
there by a half-hour."

I saw something today that came
close to truth in advertising.

The De Beers people are almost
saying what they really mean.

Because the old De Beers slogan
was, "Diamonds are forever."

Then they changed it to:

"This year,
take her breath away."

The new slogan is, "Diamonds,
render her speechless."

Why don't they just go ahead
and say it?

"Diamonds...

That'll shut her up!"

For a minute.

It's good to be here.
I was here last summer,

And they took me tubing
down the Salt River,

And I was baffled by this.

[CROWD CHEERING]

I had never done it before.

Twenty-one of us met
to go tube the river.

We had six ice chests
full of beer

With the tubes
wrapped around them,

You know what I'm talking about?

We floated down that river
drinking beer

For six and a half hours.

Not one person had to pee.

Is that normal?

I'd like to think my friends
wouldn't pee on themselves.

I know I would.

That was the best thing
about tubing the river.

You could just paddle up
to somebody you don't even know,

Talk to them
while you're peeing on yourself.

That's relaxed, right there.

If you're floating down a river,

Drinking a beer,
peeing on yourself...

There's no tension there,
is there?

I guess we'd been floating down
that river for, like, an hour

Before I realized to myself,

"Well, everybody's just peeing
on themselves."

And I thought:

"Hell, I'll just pee on myself."

Everybody got mad at me.

Of course, I was in a canoe.

Standing up too.

Not everybody got mad.

A couple people viewed it
as a photo opportunity.

And I know that because I got
their Christmas card last year.

I don't remember it being
that cold that afternoon.

So I just got back from 10 days
in Los Angeles.

If you ever have a chance
to do that, pass on that.

I learn things when I go to L.A.
I learned this:

They have bikinis now
made out of seashells.

I didn't know that.
I also didn't know this:

If you're ever
walking down a beach,

And you see a girl

Dressed in a bikini
made out of seashells,

And you pick her up
and hold her to your ear...

You can hear her scream.

I thought I'd hear the ocean,
but not over that woman.

We got in last night.

Some guys asked me if I wanted
to go to a topless bar,

And I didn't, uh, want to go.

I ended up going because...
You guys back me up on this...

You've seen one woman naked...

You want to see
the rest of them naked.

It could be an old biker chick.

You know they're going
to hang down to here.

"You want to see me naked?"

"Yeah, I do."

"All right, that's enough.
Roll them back up."

Things that make you go,
"Blech."

It was a wild night.

I ended up getting back
to the Phoenician Hotel.

They're so snooty.

I got back to the hotel
at 7:30 this morning,

And I went up to the desk to
leave a wake-up call for 7:00.

And the lady goes,

[BRITISH ACCENT]
"Mr. White, it's past 7."

"No, the next one.

"You got another one
coming around, don't you?

"Why don't you just
put me on that one?

Hear they're running two a day
through Arizona."

I'm from Texas.

In Texas, we have the death
penalty, and we use it!

That's right.

If you come to Texas and kill
somebody, we will kill you back.

That's our policy.

They're trying to pass
a bill right now

Through the Texas legislature

That will speed up
the process of execution

In heinous crimes

Where there's more than three
credible eyewitnesses.

If more than three people
saw you do what you did,

You don't sit on death row
for 15 years, Jack.

You go straight
to the front of the line.

Other states are trying
to abolish the death penalty.

My state's putting in
an express lane.

Thanks for playing along.

I hope you enjoyed it.
Good night.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

Fellas, look at this!

RON: Yeah, hi.

Come on.
Let's go in there.

No, no, no!
Hey, hey, hey!

It's Victoria's Secret!

Come back here.
Come on!

I want to get my mom something.

Larry, the last time
you were in there...

Hi, welcome
to Victoria's Secret.

Let's just get in,
get him out of here, all right?

I'm trying to get my mom
something for her birthday.

Something like this, perhaps?
That's what I'm... Look at these!

See, they're stretchy,
you know? I mean...

But these are small.
You got anything in large?

Yes. Let me see,
I'm sure we have something.

These are cool.
Look at these.

See, this is what
I'm talking about.

See how big it is?
You can't do that.

This will cover
the moles and the hair

Coming out the top here
and the whole deal.

LARRY:
She's got all sorts
of problems.

Ron.
It ain't for me.

These are cool. You got any
with other sayings on them?

Other sayings? Yes.

I mean, we have "just married"
or "sexy" or "foxy."

You can also
have them embroidered.

I could put "get her done"
right there.

Yes.

I could put some
"get her done" drawers.

We got to go.
Come on!

I got a good-looking girl here.

We're looking
at leopard bikinis.

Come on, man.
Just put it...

I'm really sorry for anything...
I'll come back.

She showed me all kinds
of furry britches.

See you later!
Bye!

Remember when you used
to get plastic dog turds...

BILL: Black light bulbs.
The plastic vomits, and the...?

Nothing says, "Happy
anniversary, sweetheart"

Like a bunch
of rubber dog turds.

I love this store.

This is the best store
on the planet.

It is.

What is this?

Oh, wait, this is... I'm telling
you, Jeff, this is art...

Like you have never heard.

[FARTING NOISE]

[LAUGHS]

[FARTING NOISE]

Oh, it's remote-control fart?

You put it under somebody else's
chair and walk out of the room.

That's beautiful.
How much is that?

[FARTING NOISE]

Thanks a lot.
Have a good day.

This man has made enough money
to buy anything in the mall,

And he gets
the remote-control fart machine.

[HOLDING BACK TEARS]
Very proud.

[♪♪♪]

[FARTING NOISE]

[FARTING NOISE]

[FARTING NOISE]

[FARTING NOISE]

Ooh.

Oh, my God!

[FARTING NOISE]

You know, if we'd
grown up together,

He would've been the guy we
would be putting in the trunk

And pushing him down
the basement stairs.

[FARTING NOISE]

Ooh. Sorry about that. Ooh.

Oh, my God!

[FARTING NOISE]

[FARTING NOISE]

Maybe I'll get some.

[FARTING NOISE]

It lasts for 18 hours.
Ooh.

[FARTING NOISE]

Ooh. I apologize.
I'll be back.

Are you downwind or what?

Yeah, I'll be back.
I'm sorry.

[FARTING NOISE]

This is a long-lasting product...

He's still trying
to sell the product

The whole time
I'm farting on him.

DAVID: Phoenix, Arizona,
I give you the one,

The only, Larry the Cable Guy.

Get her done!

Boy, good to see you.
Good to see you.

I had a horrible nightmare
last night.

I dreamt I drunk
the world's largest margarita,

And woke up this morning,

There was salt
on the toilet lid.

Thank God I didn't eat
the worm in there.

I'll tell you that much.

Boy, that wouldn't have
been good, right there.

It was a crazy week.

I called one of them 900
talk-dirty numbers

The other day.

You ever call one of them?

Yeah!

That's it? Two people?
That's it?

And those voices
sounded familiar,

To be honest with you.

Well, don't call.
It's a rip-off.

I got a girl that stuttered,

And it cost me $1700
on that deal.

Can you believe that?

But I love women.

I used to date this one girl

Had one boob
bigger than the other.

And she got
in a wet T-shirt contest

And took first and third place
at that contest.

Bless her heart. I was so proud
of my sister, bless her heart.

That's right.
I used to date this one girl,

Looked like Michelle Pfeiffer,
only a little shorter...

And the face was different.

I was drinking, it looked
like Michelle Pfeiffer.

Next morning,

Barney Pfeiffer's laying there
in the bed next to me.

She was ugly.

I had one girl had a beauty mark
on her cheek.

That was pretty sexy,
like Cindy Crawford.

And we get to kissing and stuff,
I was looking...

It was a tick!

I know. I disappeared like a set
of rims at a Puff Daddy concert.

I'll tell you what,
I was out the door.

Out the door.

So I went shopping around today.
Went to the mall.

You ever seen this PETsMART?

The critter store?
You been in there?

You know what they got in there?
A dog water-purifying machine.

You believe that? $75.
Dog water-purifying machine.

I'm like, "What's that thing
do right there?"

She says, "It purifies
your dog's drinking water."

"Well, he just ate a turd
10 minutes ago.

You got any turd-purifying
machines in here,

For Pete's sake?"

What in the world?

That's like wiping
before you poop.

It don't make sense
to do something like that.

Doesn't make any sense at all.

For Pete's sake.

Then I went in there...

I went in there
to the Victoria's Secret.

You ever been in there?

[WHISTLES]

Yeah. Get her done.
That's right.

That's like a grown-feller
Chuck E. Cheese in there.

I like that joint.

I was there the other day.

I was sniffing around in there
a couple hours...

Looking for some gift ideas.

You know what they got in there?

Underbritches with holes
in the crotch.

You believe that?

Twenty-four dollars women paying

For undershorts with holes
in the crotch.

I'm like, "Dadgum, I got
a whole drawer full of them

At the house, for Pete's sake."

I bet I'm sitting on $200, $300
worth of them underdrawers.

Dated a girl who
put a pair of them on

For my birthday one time.

I come home,
she's sitting there,

She's like, "You want some
of this right here?"

I'm like, "No, look what it did
to your undershorts."

Good Lord! What in the world?

Looked like a good place
for one of them Plug Ins

Or something, for Pete's sake.

Vanilla Plug Ins or something.

They got all kinds
of stuff out there.

They got this deal now...

Britches you eat. You ever
seen that? Eating britches?

Eating brit... Who in the world
thought of eating britches?

"What do you want to do
tonight?"

"Let me eat your undershorts.

"Give me a glass of milk.

"I'm going to gobble them up
right here, I tell you.

"Honey, put some
in the refrigerator.

I'm going to make
a sandwich later."

I was with a girl
that liked that stuff.

I was seeing this good-looking
girl for about six weeks.

And then somebody took
my binoculars out of the truck.

Yeah, she was a midget stripper.
And... Seriously.

I met her at a party one night,
and she popped out of a cupcake.

But anyway, she liked
all them edible underbritches.

And I bought her five pairs

Of the strawberry
eating-britches.

I bought five pair

Because I always end up eating
two or three pair

On the way to her house.

They're pretty good.

Thank God they don't make them
in biscuits and gravy.

I'll tell you that much.

Doggone right. I'd be getting
fat just on undershorts.

Need some SnackWell panties.

That's what they need,
right there.

Get her done. That's right.

"Honey, I'm on a diet.

Put on some
Fruit Roll-Ups, would you?"

That's right.

Went in for a checkup
the other day.

Doctor stick his finger
up my hind end, all right?

Didn't even tell me,
just does it.

I'm standing there. I'm like,

"Hey, you going to watch
the ball game...?

What in the world?!"

Then he said he found something.

"Found something?

I didn't even know you was
looking for nothing up there."

I'm all bent out of shape.

"What in the world's
in my hind end?

"Hope it's the remote control.
I ain't seen it in three weeks.

"Dadgum, no wonder
every time I fart

The volume goes up
on that TV set over there."

Found something in my hind end!

That's the worst dentist I've
been to in about five years.

I'll tell you straight up.

Tell you straight up.

You know what I used to be?

A lot of people don't know it,

But I used to be a real psychic
at fairs and stuff.

You know what I can do?
I was at the fair.

I used to be able to grab on
to girls' boobs...

Seriously...

And tell how old they was
by doing that.

I used to be at the fair.

I had a little stool
right there set up

And had some key chains on it.

I'd come up,
tell them what I'm doing:

"I can tell how old you are
by rubbing on your boobies."

So I'd be like, "Hold on."

I'm like, "You're 33 years old."

She's like,
"You ain't even close."

I'm like,
"Oh. Here's a key chain."

Get her done. That's right.

That's right.

I seen a girl walking around
the other day

With earrings all over
the place. You ever see that?

I was with a girl one time that
had nine earrings in this ear,

Seven earrings in that ear,

A ring in her nose,
bolt in her tongue.

It was like making love to her

And working on my truck
at the same time with that girl.

I didn't know
if I should kiss her

Or adjust the torque
in her butt crack.

I didn't know what to do.

And my sister got one of them.
My sister's a big old girl.

Matter of fact,
I had to hire a rodeo clown

To distract her when I brung
home the groceries last week.

But she got a belly ring.
You believe that?

You don't get a belly ring if
you're big.

You get onion rings.

That's funny.

I don't care who you are.
That's funny, right there.

That's right.
I didn't know what it was.

She come walking in,

She's like,
"What do you think of that?"

I'm like, "Hey, you got a hitch.

"Yeah, now we can pull you away
from the buffet every night.

It's about time you done
something, for Pete's sake."

That's right.

I was watching the TV
the other day.

People suing everybody nowadays.

You believe that?

People getting sued
for smoking the cigarettes.

They say it cause cancer.
They going to get sick.

Well, it says on the box
you going to get sick!

I'm going to sue
Hustler Magazine

For giving my wrist carpal
tunnel.

How's that sound right there?

That's right.

That's funny.

I don't care who you are.
That's funny, right there.

You can't laugh at that,
you need to get out of here,

Because that's funny
right there.

That's funny. They want to take
the Winston out of NASCAR.

Did you know that?
They say that's offensive.

What in the world?

Who's going to sponsor NASCAR?
Stayfree mini-pad?

That'd be pretty good racing,
wouldn't it?

"We got 43 cars this year
in the Kotex Cup.

"There's Jeff Gordon
in the number 24

Strawberry douche
Chevy Monte Carlo."

"How did you get tickets
to the Tampon 200?"

"Well, we pulled some strings,

And we got some good seats
in there."

Get her done!
Y'all, thank you very much!

Thank you all for a great show!
Thank you!

JEFF: Is this where it is?
LARRY: "Mist Spay."

JEFF:
Did we get the right place?

GROUP: "Spa."
Whatever.

LARRY:
I hope they can get rid
of backache.

BILL: Now, behave.
Hello.

Hi there, we're with
the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

Yes, we've been expecting you.
Thanks for coming.

Have you been to a spa before?

BILL: Oh, uh...

No.
No.

Is this a non-smoking spa?

Yes. Well, why don't
we do a tour?

Now, behave.

So this is kind of like a really
expensive wet T-shirt contest.

LARRY: You got a dollar?

RON:
How does it feel?
What does it do for you?

BILL:
Put a dollar in the towel.

Go ahead and show. Come on,
baby, I got three dollars.

Shoot, I'll give you a $10 bill
right there. Look at that.

[IMITATING AUCTIONEER]
Get four, 35 and a half.
What do you bid now? Five.

What do you bid now? Five and a
half. What do you bid now? Five.

All right. By God,
you done made almost $60.

You got any more rooms
with women in them

Dipped in chocolate sauce
like that one?

Do you have an opening
as a towel boy here?

LARRY: What's she doing?

I believe you're doing it wrong.

Hold on, you go like this.
You kind of hit on them.

Look at that. That's nice.
Do you like that? See.

WOMAN: I love that.

Now, that's how you give
a me-sage.

Right here, like this.

Make sure you hit her hind end
a couple of times,

Like "Wipeout" or something.

[♪♪♪]

Okay.

Okay, this feels really funky.

Hey, what kind of joint
you running in here?

There's nothing like a
single-malt Scotch

At 10:00 in the morning
with a little mud rub.

That's what keeps me going.

Hey... Oh, God!

Hey, Ron!

Hey, Ron, I bet you look

Like the monster
from the Black Lagoon!

Shut up! I'm doing pretty good
in here.

RON:
So I say we get naked
and throw ice at each other.

What do you think?

Hey, Larry?

Over here!

Just remember, when you got
to go to the bathroom,

Get out of the tub!

[FARTS]

Too late!

I'm starting to feel
a lot better.

BILL: Oh, my God.

I feel like a new man.

Ladies and gentleman,

Please welcome
a native of Winslow, Arizona,

A very funny man,
Mr. Bill Engvall!

What's up?!

Whoo!

Oh, it is great
to be here tonight.

In fact, it's just great
to be out of the house.

I'll tell you why.

My wife and I had an argument
last week that was so stupid...

That it bears repeating.

My wife collects twist-ties.

Welcome to my world.

What happened was,
I went to make a sandwich.

I took the bread down,

I took the twist-tie off,
I threw it down,

I made my sandwich.

Did I put the twist-tie
back on the bread?

AUDIENCE:
No.

No. I did what every man
in America does.

I spun the loaf of bread
and tucked it underneath.

And apparently,
that's where I went wrong.

I got a great family.

I got a 16-year-old daughter

Who just got
her driver's license.

So you should all
drop to your knees

And thank the good Lord above
that you live here

And not where we live.

She is without a doubt
the worst driver on the planet.

She's got no depth perception
at all.

We're coming up this
intersection,

There's a car stopped
in front of us,

I'm like, "He stopped.
He stopped! He stopped!"

She goes, "I can see that."

I'm like, "Oh, my God,
she's her mother!"

The other day, my neighbor
came over when I was in the yard

And he goes, "When did you put
the CD boom box in your car?"

I said, "What?"

He goes, "I saw you
and your daughter

Driving down the street,

And I heard this
dooh-dooh-dooh."

I said, "That was me

Stomping on the imaginary brake
on my side of the car."

But after driving with her,
I'm convinced

There needs to be a teenage
driving lane on the highway.

And it's just lined
with mattresses and tires.

God, she's growing up,

And I don't know when it
happened, man.

I used to buy her Minnie Mouse
panties

And little Winnie the Pooh
underwear.

I came home the other day,

And I was helping my wife
fold clothes.

I picked up this pair
of skimpy underwear.

I looked at my wife and said,
"Hey, hey."

"When you going to wear these
for me?"

She goes, "I can't.
They're your daughter's."

[SCREAMS]

No, no, no!

There was nothing to them!

When the how-to-wash tag

Is the biggest piece of cloth
on there...

She's just growing up,
and she's smarter than me,

And she's starting
to realize that.

She came home from high school
the other day,

And goes, "Daddy, can you help
me with my math?"

And I said, "Yeah, baby,
let me take a look at it."

"When did they start putting
letters with it?"

She's got a lot of friends,
which is cool.

She's friends
with the popular kids,

She's friends
with the unpopular kids

And she's in the middle,

Which is where you want
your kid to be, I think,

Until they bring home
one of their friends

You don't see eye to eye with.

Like, she's got a little friend
who's into this goth stuff.

Oh, my God.

Have you seen
these little freaks?

What happened?

The black nail polish,
black lipstick,

Black eyeliner, black hair,
Liquid-Paper-white face.

I'm sorry. Didn't we used
to call that Halloween?

They walked in the front door,

And I looked at that little girl
and just went:

[LAUGHS]

But it's my daughter's friend.
I'm trying to be nice,

And my daughter said, "Daddy,
this is my friend Lucy."

And I said, "Hey, Luci...

Fer."

She looked at me like,

"I will set you ablaze
right now."

See, nobody tells you
about all that stuff

When you're having kids.

Nobody tells you about the stuff
you never hear about.

Like, nobody told me kids would
get out of their bed

In the middle of the night
and come into your room.

My son developed
this really bad habit.

He would get out of his bed in
the middle of the night

And come to my side of the bed,

And he'd get that close
to my face.

And just stare at me.

You ever get that feeling when
you know you're being watched?

He'd be like:

[WHISPERS]
"Dad.

"Dad.

Dad."
"What? What? What?"

He starts crying.
My wife goes, "You scared him!"

I'm like, "Well, hell,
he scared me!

Jesus, put a bell
around his neck!"

And if I ever find out who told
my son this, I will kill him.

Apparently, somebody told my son

There's a wiener thief
out there.

And if he takes his hand off it,
they going to snatch it away.

His hand doesn't leave
his pants.

It's like his own
little worry stone.

He's just:

I told him. I said,

"Boy, that thing's got
a shelf life. Trust me."

Then we had to have
the big talk this year.

I was on the road.
My wife called me and said:

"You need to have a talk
with your son."

Ah. Guess he's in trouble.
I said, "What happened?"

She goes, "His friends taught
him how to go on the Internet,

And he brought up
one of those sex sites."

And I said, "Oh, God."

I said, "Baby, um...

"did you write down
the name of the site?

Just for reference."

She goes, "Shut up."

And I wanted my talk to be more
informative with my son

Than my dad's and mine's was.
We didn't have a talk.

I said, "Dad, when you
going to tell me about sex?"

He goes: "Here, just read
this Penthouse Forum."

So I wanted my talk

To be a little more informative,
you know?

I wanted my son
to know about things

That could actually happen
to him.

I'm still waiting on the VW bus
full of cheerleaders.

But that hasn't happened yet.

But I know that these kids today

Are much more
advanced than you and I were.

So I said, "Son, I know you
already know a lot of things.

"So why don't you do this:

"Why don't you tell me
what you know,

And then I'll just fill in
the blank spots?"

About 30 minutes later...

I'm sitting there with a pen
and a pad of paper.

"What, you can do that?"

Ah, but God bless my family.

They've been good to me
this year.

It's been a rough year on me.

I've been trying
to quit smoking.

I swear to God, it'll kill me
quicker than cigarettes would.

And anybody who's ever tried
to quit

Knows exactly
what I'm talking about.

It is the hardest thing
you will ever do in your life.

And people who have never smoked
just don't get that.

It's like my wife goes,
"I don't understand

Why you just don't
put them down and quit"

I go, "Baby, I am trying.
It is hard."

She goes, "I'm sorry, Bill.

I don't understand
why you just don't quit."

And I go, "All right.
Why don't you quit yelling?

Because you can't."

And I've tried everything.

I've tried the gum.
I couldn't keep it lit.

I tried the patches.

They pulled the skin
off my lips.

Finally, my wife goes,
"Why don't you try acupuncture?"

And I go, "Whoa, whoa, whoa."

I go, "Isn't that where
they screw needles into you?"

She goes, "Yeah."

And I go, "Why don't you try
waking up?

I'm not going to let somebody
screw little needles into me."

She goes,
"Bill, it's your last option."

So we found this lady,
her name was Dr. Chang.

And I had one question
for Dr. Chang.

Anybody know what that question
might have been?

"Does it hurt?"

She goes,

[CHINESE ACCENT]
"Oh, no. It no hurt."

From a door three feet away
from me,

I hear a grown man go,
"Ow! Ow!"

I go, "What was that?"
And she goes, "Oh, he big baby."

I said, "I'm a big baby."

So, next thing I know,

I'm lying on this bed
in my underwear.

She has screwed a needle
into the top of my head,

Three in each earlobe,

One in each pec,
one in each shin,

And three between each
of my toes.

And I'm lying on that bed
thinking,

"Dear God, I could use
a cigarette right now."

And I can hear her and her
partner talking in Chinese,

But I don't speak Chinese.

And then they start laughing.
I'm like, "Oh, my God!

They're filming this."

So she comes in
at the half-hour mark,

And I think she's going
to take the needles out.

No. She puts a cotton ball
on each of the ones in my legs,

Lights it on fire
and leaves the room!

Well, now I'm freaking out, man,
because all I can see

Is smoke drifting up
from between my legs

And I cannot inhale it.
Okey-dokey?

Finally...
Finally, at the hour mark,

She comes in, she takes
the needles out and she goes:

"You come back tomorrow
for another treatment."

I said, "Well, let's just
book that right now.

"Hey, after that,
I'll schedule a prostate exam.

Must be a big old day for me."

So I put my ball cap on,

I'm going to go home
and take a shower.

Because I've sweated
through this whole ordeal.

I get home, I'm standing in the
bathroom in front of the mirror.

I took my cap off and I went,
"Ow! Ow!

She left the needle in my head!

Oh, man.

I took my family
on an RV trip this last summer.

I thought RV stood for
"Recreational Vehicle."

No.
It stands for "Ruins Vacations."

I had never driven
one of these things.

Dear God, it's 35 feet long,
8 feet wide,

And got two mirrors that stick
out three feet on each side.

Good Lord, I was like a
passenger trying to land a 747.

I'm weaving all over the road...

I'm getting flipped off by kids
in car seats, all right?

And I don't know why they put
a reverse on these dumb things.

I never learned to back it up.

If I pulled into a Quickie Mart
too far to get gas,

Because I pulled too far past
the pump,

There was no backing up.

It was: go all the way around
the block and try it again.

Thank God I wasn't the only one.

Sometimes there would be seven
or eight of us

Just circling that Quickie Mart.

Just like a white trash
road race.

I took my family camping
because I'm an idiot.

We're going to go camping.
We live in L.A.

We don't have any camping gear.

So I go to this store,
and I'm buying camping gear,

All this stuff,
and I saw this product.

And when I saw it,
I just started laughing.

Because we've become
so ecologically minded now,

They've developed a product

Called "Rapidly Dissolving
Toilet Paper."

Just how rapidly are we talking?

Because I don't want to have
to play "Beat the Clock"

In the thicket, all right?

If it's dark, I can't see
what's going on down there.

I got to know that toilet paper

Is going to be there
to finish the job.

But the reason you do
these things,

The reason you go on these
RV trips and these camping trips

Is because as your kids grow up,

They also grow apart from you,

And it just
tears your heart out.

It's like my little girl,
she's 16.

And she's at that age

Where she's in her room
listening to her stereo

And she's online
with her friends,

And little boys are starting
to call.

Oh, my God. We had a kid call
the house at 2 in the morning.

[AUDIENCE MURMURS DISAPPROVAL]

Yeah. Oh, I lost it.

Because first off,
I'm sound asleep in "LaLa Land"

With Shania Twain
in the mountains somewhere.

I hear a phone ring
and I'm like:

"Who's got a phone
in the mountains?!"

So when I realized
it's my phone,

I'm already a little ticked off.
So I went, "Hello!"

And this little voice goes,
"Uh, is Emily there?"

And I go, "Dude...

"if you have a brain
in your skull,

You will hang this phone up
right now."

And my wife goes,
"Bill, you got to be nice."

I said, "No, ma'am,
nice stops at midnight."

Then she said,
"What are you going to do

When these little boys
come over the house?"

I said, "Oh, I'll tell you
what I'm going to do.

"I'm going to pull the young man
in tight next to me,

"so only he and I can hear
the conversation.

"And I'm going to whisper
in his ear.

"I'm going to say,
'Boy, look at me.

"'You see that
little girl there?

"'That's my only little girl,
man. She's my life.

"'So if you have any thoughts
about hugging

"'or kissing,
you remember these words:

I got no problem going back
to prison.'"

God bless my wife.

That's what she puts up with
every day of the year.

We've been married for 20 years,

And on our 20th anniversary,

I got to thinking
about the difference

Between that first year
of marriage

And that 20th year of marriage.
Wow.

Remember that first year
of marriage?

You'd pick a fight just so you
could make up and have sex.

Twenty years later,
you pick a fight

Just so they'll sleep
in the other room.

Remember that first year
of marriage?

You'd come home from work,
you had a bad day at work,

You go, "Oh, baby,
I had such a bad day."

And your new bride would go:

"Let me get you a beer
and you tell me all about it."

Twenty years later,
you walk in the door,

"Ooh! What a day at work!"

They go, "You want to hear what
went on at this house today?!

While you were at your job?"

Remember that first year
of marriage?

If you had to go
to the bathroom, Oh, Lord, man,

You shut the door, lock it,

Turn the faucets on,
turn the shower on.

God forbid they knew you
were going poop.

Twenty years later,
bathroom door is wide open

And you're screaming,
"Bring the camera!"

Remember that first year
of marriage, fellas,

When your new bride
was going to do laundry

And you freaked out because you
might have had dirty underwear,

So you just threw them away?

Twenty years later, you're just
hoping to gross them out.

If you can get your wife
to scream, "Oh, my God!

Did you hit a deer?"

Sex changes when you get married

And you stay married
for a long time.

I think it has to because
things, they advance, you know?

It's like, one night, my wife
and I had a little interlude,

And it was hot.

I mean hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!

She's arching her back
and moaning,

And I said, "Yes, ma'am.
You are welcome."

I said, "I'm really turning you
on, huh?"

She goes, "No, you're on
my hair! Get off!"

You never see that in the
movies, do you, ladies?

That's why I hate love scenes
in movies. They're not real.

You want to show me
a real love scene in a movie,

Show me a couple in bed
and their dogs are watching them

At the edge of the bed.

That's real, my friends.

You're trying to throw down
your best moves,

And there's these eyes at the
edge of the bed,

Just like, "Ooooh.

"Nice move there, Bill.

Jeez, don't that
hurt your back?"

I take my wife's bra off
and throw it across the room.

Dogs bring it back.

I can always tell when I'm doing
good because the dog growls,

Like, "Arrr, arrr, arrr.

Oh, she's loving this.
Arrr, arrr, arrr."

You ever get that cold nose?
"Hey, hey, hey, hey!"

But you got to be able
to laugh, folks,

And that's what's important.

I'll give you a great example.

Three years ago
on my wife's birthday,

I had it planned to the tee:

A bottle of champagne
chilled by the bed,

Candles on the headboard,
some soft music playing,

And we just got into it.

Just that hot pig sex,
all right?

You know,
where you're not even talking.

You're just rooting around,
baby.

But we forgot about the candles
on the headboard.

I'm lying on my back.

Apparently, that headboard
was doing a little moving.

Because all of a sudden,
hot wax just goes, "Pwoosh!"

And I went, "Aaaaaaah!"

And my wife goes, "Yes, sir.

You are welcome."

God bless y'all.
This has been great.

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]

RON: Hey, where's Fox?

I don't know.
He went running around.

You know, he's like a kid.

RON:
My granddaddy had this exact
truck right here.

Did he really?
Yep. 1934 Chevrolet 3100.

JEFF: Can you see me now?

Can you guys see me now?
BILL: You guys see Jeff?

Yeah, we can see you.

BILL: Where you going?
LARRY: Looks good, though.

Boy, they're making
some money in here.

Can you see me now?
RON: Yes, Jeff, we can see you.

Look at this bass.

Look that catfish.
It's huge.

By the way, Jeff,
we can still see you.

Where?
He's right there. Let's go.

Good God!
Let's go. Jeff, go take it off.

Dude, that's pretty good.

That's pretty good right there.

BILL: Get out of here.

Coleman camp stuff stove.
That's beautiful.

Jeff, we see you.

Can you believe that?
That's a fake tree, Larry.

LARRY: That's Jeff again,
trying to scare us.

BILL: It's a fake tree.

How did you do that?

See what you started?

BILL:
I like any bait called "Spanky."

Where might we find
the stink bait?

Does anybody work in this store?

JEFF:
There's got to be a stink
specialist around here.

We need stink bait.

Stink bait. Do y'all
have stink bait?

How would you rank the stink?
We want stanky stink.

Stanky, sure enough
stanky stink.

Probably this, right here.

That's a good stank right there.
Y'all need to smell that.

Oh, God.

Five bucks says
you won't eat any.

No, I ain't eating stink bait.

Five bucks.
Nope.

BILL: Just taste it.

Oh, man! God. No!
He did it.

He did it, he did it.
No! He did it.

Twenty bucks.
Oh, my God.

I cannot believe you ate it.
Why don't you lick the floor?

Ladies and gentlemen,

The man you've all
been waiting for,

Mr. Jeff Foxworthy!

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.
How are you?

[CROWD CHEERS]

Phoenix in July.

Apparently, the people
that book these things

Don't get the Weather Channel.
But, uh...

It's been one of those years
like that for me.

In February, I was doing a show

In the northern part
of Minnesota.

It was so cold.
A beautiful place.

It was so cold.
It was like 15 below zero.

And after the show, we were
talking to some guys backstage,

And they were trying to talk us

Into going ice fishing
with them.

It's 15 degrees below zero.

I said, "Guys, you know what?
I appreciate it.

I don't really think
I want to be that cold."

One of the guys goes,
"Oh, it's not that cold."

He goes, "We build a bonfire
out on the lake."

And you call us stupid
in the South?

But I got to thinking
about that ice fishing,

Especially from the point
of view

Of the fish that gets caught
and then thrown back.

Think about it.
In the animal kingdom,

That has got to be
the closest thing

To one of those out-of-body
experiences.

That fish that gets
thrown back, he goes back,

And he tells his buddies,

He's like, "Dudes,
I was swimming along,

"and all of a sudden,

"I felt myself being drawn
towards the light.

"And it was getting brighter
and brighter.

"And then I went
through this opening,

"and I saw my dead relatives
all around me.

"And I saw God.

"He was wearing a flannel shirt
and a Budweiser hat.

"And He held me and said, 'It's
not yet your time. Go back.'"

And that's been one of the cool
things about doing this tour,

Is because we've been everywhere
in the country.

You know, and traveling
is never a lot of fun,

But since 9/11
it's so much more difficult.

In the Atlanta airport...
I live in Atlanta.

In the Atlanta airport,

You know where you go through
the metal detectors?

They have now built
a giant Plexiglas box

That contains all the things

That are no longer allowed
in your carry-on luggage.

And in that box,
there is a leaf blower,

And a Coleman lantern.

So if you are
an international yard man

That likes to work nights,

You are S.O.L. right now.

A leaf blower. Who is hijacking
a plane with a leaf blower?

[FOREIGN ACCENT]
"You turn the plane around.

"I mess your hair up so bad,

Your mother
never recognize you."

If your job requires
you use a leaf blower,

And you have to get on an
airplane to get to that job,

It is really time
to review your territory.

You see a lot of things
in airports.

They tell us now the economy
is bad.

You see it in the airports.

Because everywhere we go now,
all the rental car places

Are selling
the used rental cars.

And I have driven
some bad vehicles in my life.

I have never been
so desperate for an automobile

I wanted a used rental car.

Because you know what people do
to rental cars.

My mother will not drive
55 miles an hour.

You put her in a rental car,

She's doing doughnuts in the
grocery store parking lot.

Buying a used rental car

Is kind of like going
to a house of ill repute

Looking for a wife.

Anything that's been driven
that hard by that many people,

You really don't want
to put your key in it.

There's no incentive
to take care of a rental car,

Because if you pay
the extra insurance,

You can total that rental car

And they'll bring you
another one.

And I recommend, always get the
additional insurance.

They're like, "Mr. Foxworthy,

Would you like
the additional coverage?"

I'm like, "Yes, I would,
because you got a Ford Fiesta

"that's about to see
more air time

Than a skateboard
at the X Games."

So welcome to our job.

You know, we talk about this
all the time.

We feel like we have the coolest
job in the world.

And it's funny because...
Like tonight,

You get to meet
a lot of people backstage.

When you're a comedian,

The number one thing people
say to you when they meet you,

They're like, "Where do you
come up with material?"

And the honest answer, I think,
at least for us,

Is the best stuff is not stuff
you make up, it's true stuff.

Now, that being said, I have
to share this story with you.

Last year, I was hosting a show

For the children's hospital
in Atlanta.

And a couple came up to me,

And the man said to me,

"Hey, I bet you done heard
every redneck thing."

And I was thinking, "Well,
I've heard a lot of them."

But I love talking to folks, so
I said, "No, no, no. Go ahead."

He said, "Well..."

He said, "My wife and I decided

"if we ever had
the chance to meet you,

"that we had to tell you

"about the time we were down
at her family's house,

"and while we were there,

Her brother got his nipple
bitten off by a beaver."

I said, "You have my attention."

Because it's kind of hard

To walk away
from a story like that.

You're almost required to say,
"How did that happen?"

Oh, and they were happy
to share the whole tale.

Apparently, the brother
and his buddy

Were driving down the road,

And a beaver ran
across the street,

And they accidentally hit it
with the truck.

And then the beaver
went down into the ditch

On the side of the road.

So they decided they were going
down in the ditch

To find this thing

Because they wanted
to take it to the taxidermist.

Because we all know
how pretty they look

On a Thanksgiving dining table
just holding that turkey up.

So he said he went down in the
ditch. He found the beaver.

He picked it up by the tail.

And he said, "Look at it.

It ain't cut up,
or bloody or nothing."

And apparently, "nothing"

Is the word that brings
a beaver back to consciousness.

And at that point,

The animal lurched out
and bit his nipple off.

Did not bite it, bit it off.

O-F-F, off. Bit it off.

That is a new kind of hurt
right there.

And it is so rare,
I am at a loss for words.

The only reply
I could come up with,

I said, "I bet that is the only
time in history

"the headline of the paper

"could include the words
'beaver' and 'nipple'

And nobody would be
offended by it."

That's the other question
I get asked.

People always say:

"When you say somebody might be
a redneck, what do you mean?"

For the record,
my definition of "redneck":

It is a glorious absence
of sophistication.

That's all it is.

And it can be full-time
or part-time.

Most of us are guilty of it.

And if you're not guilty of it,
you do have relatives that are.

Think back to the last
family reunion you went to,

When at the end of it,
you got in the car

And looked at your spouse
and said, "Oh, my God.

"What is wrong with them?

"The little one is not right.

I guarantee you,
the little one is not right."

Oh, and trust me,
I got rednecks in my family.

I got an uncle who, every time
he gets in and out of the car,

He climbs in through
the driver's side window.

The door is not broke
or anything,

He just likes to pretend
he's a NASCAR driver.

[MAN HOOTS]

Got a few NASCAR fans
in Phoenix, huh?

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

I love NASCAR.
I will tell you this,

It's a difficult thing
to talk about on stage,

Because NASCAR fans will start
fighting with each other.

They do.

Because every NASCAR fan has got
that one driver they love,

And every NASCAR fan
has got that one driver

They can't stand.

WOMAN: Jeff Gordon.

Jeff Gordon.

It's always Jeff Gordon.

You know what?
I've figured out

Why a lot of NASCAR fans
don't like Jeff Gordon.

And it's not because Gordon
won the points championship

Last year or because
he wins a lot of races.

A lot of NASCAR fans
don't like Jeff Gordon

Because Jeff Gordon enunciates.

[LAUGHTER]

There's not a place in NASCAR
for that kind of stuff.

See, true NASCAR fans want
an interview with a driver

Where you have no idea
what he's talking about.

"Boy, I tell you, we run pretty
good all day long and...

[SPEAKING RAPIDLY
AND INDISTINCTLY]

"brought her in,
Booger jacked some wedge in her,

"and she run like a spotted...

[SPEAKING RAPIDLY
AND INDISTINCTLY]

"did get trouble
in the middle of the race

"when Ricky puked a motor.
I got in his oil.

"I touched Dale there
on the backside.

"But for the most part,
the Hardees, Burger King,

"Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, Kentucky
Fried Chicken, Chevrolet

She just awesome."

As Southern as I am,
I'm like, "Dude, what?

Were there any words in that?"

Speaking of words,

I do have a few new redneck
words for you.

First one: "Mayonnaise."

Man, 'ey's a lot of people
here this evening.

It's kind of a gift.

They come to me in my sleep,
and I write them down.

Brand new one: "Aorta."

'Ey orta cut that grass down
by the ball field

So them kids don't get hurt.

Isn't that the stupidest thing
you've ever heard in your life?

"Initiate."

My wife ate two hamburgers,

An' 'en she ate
a bag of potato chips.

And last, but not least:
"widja-didja."

Widja-didja.

You didn't bring your truck
widja-didja?

Somebody will be using
"widja-didja" tomorrow.

I always felt like you couldn't
talk about rednecks

Unless you are one,
and I are one.

You know what? Growing up,
I didn't know that's what I was.

And now, looking back,
it was oh, so obvious.

I'm not making this up.
My entire childhood,

Our mailbox in front of our
house had the letters "M-A-L-E"

Painted on the side of it.

And by the time
I was in the 11th grade,

I was like, "That ain't right.

That "M" is supposed
to be capitalized, isn't it?"

That is a true story.

When I was in the 3rd grade,
my uncle did that as a joke.

And nobody got it.

Not only am I a redneck,

I married into them too.

I married into a special breed
of them.

My wife and her entire family

Are from the great state
of Louisiana.

We were down there
about six or seven months ago.

My wife's cousin got married
down in Baton Rouge,

So we went down for the wedding.

And we had my wife's
entire family together

For the rehearsal dinner
at Hooters.

If I'm lying, I'm dying.

And our waitress that night
was, uh,

Was qualified to work there.

Matter of fact, I'm pretty sure
she was on a scholarship.

But the first time she walked up
to the table,

My wife's uncle Bud looked
at her and went:

"Whoo-whoo! Where did you get
them things, girl?"

I thought "Oh, she's going
to get mad." And she didn't.

She was so cool.
She said, "I bought them."

And then Bud's wife, Lois, said:

"You know, I've been thinking
about buying me some."

And Bud turned to Lois and said,
"You are 62 years old.

"You getting a boob job
would be like hanging

A new chandelier
in a haunted house."

She said, "Well, I figured if
I put new lights in the house,

You might stay in it
longer than two minutes."

My children share these genes.

And I will say this in defense
of my in-laws.

My in-laws are nuts,
but I know why they're nuts.

It's because a long time ago
in their lives,

They looked at each other
and said,

"Hey, why don't we have
children?"

And I know I'm on my way
to being crazy

Just like my in-laws
because I'm a parent.

I'm the proud father
of two little girls.

Their ages are 8 and 10.
Thank you.

[APPLAUSE]

I live next door to my brother.

He has three children,
they are all girls.

Their ages are 6, 8 and 10.

My mother has nine
grandchildren.

They are all girls.

The oldest one is 13 years old.

I live in the estrogen ocean.

In the middle
of the naked Barbie Woodstock.

Naked Barbies as far
as the eye can see.

There are days I have fantasies

About being G.I. Joe on a
three-day pass.

Hello, lady.

But I love these girls.

And I have learned so much
about girls.

I tell you something
I've learned.

I've learned girls can be

A little bit more emotional
than boys.

I spend half my life
trying to figure out

What people are crying about.

"Honey, honey, calm down
and just tell me what happened."

"I came in, and I was going to
go upstairs and play with them,

"but then they locked the door
and called me a stupid-head.

"and they said I couldn't be
in their club,

"and I was looking for you,

And I was calling you and
calling you..."

I'm like, "Honey, calm down,

"you're going to scare
the children.

Now just tell me what happened."

Men have no idea what to do
with crying,

Because men have been taught
all our lives not to cry.

That's why when we grow up,

We can be out cutting firewood
with our buddies,

We'll take that chainsaw,
saw our leg off at the knee,

We're like, "I'm all right.
I'm all right.

Throw the leg in the cooler.
Hand me a beer. I'm all right."

Kids are great for a comedian
because kids are funny

Without even trying to be funny.

My wife and my mother-in-law
had ordered bathing suits

Through the mail. Mail order.
You know?

So the bathing suits arrived.
They're trying them on.

My mother-in-law walks out
in her bathing suit.

My youngest daughter
looked at her and said:

"Gamma, you shouldn't
draw on your legs

With a blue magic marker."

Needless to say, I had to mop up
the milk I had been drinking,

Because it was on the other side
of the room.

Which is pretty good distance
through your nose. That's right.

That's going to sting
a little while.

I was doing a thing
not long ago for HBO,

And they were asking...
It was more serious questions.

One of them, they said:

"What's your earliest
recollection in life?"

I thought about it and I said,
"Well, I remember being about 3,

"and standing on the front seat
of the car with my dad.

"Every time he would turn
the corner,

I would make the sound
of tires squealing."

[MAKES SQUEALING SOUND]

My dad would go,
"Quit squealing my tires."

All of a sudden,
it dawned on me.

What was I doing standing
on the front seat of the car?

See, back in those days,
kids weren't too good

To go through the windshield
with the rest of the family.

When my kids were 3,

I couldn't back
out of the driveway

Unless they were in a car seat

With a shoulder strap
and a safety fit.

Think back. I can vividly recall
riding all the way to Florida

Laying in the back window
of the car.

People behind us going:

"Harold, is that one
of those bobbing dogs?"

"No. That's a skinny kid
with a big head.

Boy, what a big head."

My dad slammed on the brakes,

You went bouncing around the car
like a pinball game.

I remember as a child,
my mom would leave me,

My brother and my sister
in the car

While she ran into
the grocery store.

If you did that to a poodle now,

They would fry you
on the 6:00 news.

And I tell you something else.

Now that I'm grown
and have kids of my own,

I understand why my mother
didn't want

To take three young'uns
in the grocery store.

I would rather take a beating
with a brick stick

Than take kids
in the grocery store.

Because soon as those doors
slide open,

Those kids start begging

Like homeless people at
Christmastime.

Somebody with little kids,
help me out here:

The worst aisle to take kids
down in the grocery store is...

The cereal aisle.
Oh, I hate the cereal aisle.

You know why?
Because little kids buy cereal

The same way grown men
buy lingerie.

They will buy stuff they care
nothing about

Just to get the prize
that's inside.

And you forget about
the cereal aisle.

You know, you've got them
in the store,

And you're trying to keep them
from putting stuff in the cart.

You turn the corner and there it
is, and they're like:

"Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

"You got to buy
the Fruity Frosted Pebbles.

"You got to buy
the Fruity Frosted Pebbles.

"Oh, please! Please!

Please buy the Fruity Frosted
Pebbles.

Please, please, please!"

"We are not buying that.

"We bought it before.
You guys didn't even eat it.

It went stale.
We had to throw it away."

"We'll eat it today.

"We'll eat it in the car
on the way home.

I promise. I swear. I promise.
I swear!"

"I said I'm not buying it.
Put it back."

"You got to buy it! You got to
buy it! You got to buy it!"

And that is the point

When I very calmly walk up
to the child, and I say:

"Where are your parents?"

Everything has changed.
Even their toys have changed.

I noticed with my kids now,
every toy they get

Has got little tags in it

Showing you somebody has
inspected it

To make sure
there's no possible way

A child could hurt themselves
playing with that toy.

I remember being 9 years old,

My parents bought me
a wood burning kit.

Hey, what could possibly go
wrong with a toy like that?

A sharp metal stick that heated
up to 5000 degrees.

And I'll tell you something,

Our dogs and cats didn't have
a little tag around their neck,

But everybody
in the neighborhood

Knew who they belonged to.

"The Circle F brand,

That's a Foxworthy cat
right there."

You remember
the wood burning kits?

Remember those?

The cord on it
was about that long.

So you're always guaranteed

To be right next to the drapes
while you played with it.

What were they thinking,
some of those toys?

Did anybody else
have the swing set?

My parents were too lazy

To actually pour the concrete
in the ground.

We had the swing set,

Every time you swung above this
high, the front legs would go:

Woooomp. Boom.

Woooomp. Boom.

Woooomp. Boom.

There were stuntmen that would
not swing on our swing set.

What were they thinking,
some of those toys?

Lawn Darts.

Twelve-pound darts!

You could kill an elk
with a Lawn Dart!

And there were no directions.

They just came in a box
of eight.

We used to pull them
out of the box,

Throw them straight up
in the air.

You catch one of those
with your head,

You're getting coloring books
for Christmas

For the rest of your life.

A lot of guys say to me,

"Man, how you live with all
those women?"

I love living
with all those women.

Because I've accepted the fact
they just about

Have got me trained
the way they want me.

A lot of men go through their
entire lives

Never realizing
they're being trained.

Guys, if you got a wife,
girlfriend, mother or daughter,

You are being trained.

And just because they ain't
using the cattle prod

Don't mean it ain't happening.

I been married 18 years
to an awesome girl.

It did not dawn on me
until about year five

She was training me.

And I remember the night
I realized it.

We were both in bed reading
one night.

And my wife said:

"I'm hot."

And I closed my book,

Got out of bed,

Walked over to the wall,
I turned on the ceiling fan,

I was almost back to the bed
and I went, "Whoa!

I wasn't hot."

I guarantee the next morning
she called her mother and said:

"Mama, it is working so well.

"Last night, all I had to say
was 'I'm hot, '

And he got out of bed and turned
on the ceiling fan."

And I'm sure her mother said,
"Baby, I am so proud of you.

"I'd put your daddy on the phone
and let you tell him,

"but I just said, 'I'm hungry, '

And he ran into town
to get me something to eat."

Guys, do you know why
they are able to train us?

They are smarter than us.

Right. Oh...

[APPLAUSE]

It ain't that big a deal.

That's saying you're smarter
than a creature that,

Every time it takes off
its underwear

It tries to grab them
with its toes,

Flip them in the air
and catch them with its hand.

You are smarter than that.

It is a good feeling

When you catch them
on the first try, though.

Got my underpants, right there!

Women are smart,
and women keep men confused.

A lot of times, men and women

Can say the exact same thing
to each other,

And get totally opposite
responses.

Like, a woman can say to a man:

"I'm not wearing any underwear."

The man's first thought is,
"All right!

Might get lucky."

But if a man says to a woman,
"I'm not wearing any underwear,"

Her first thought is:

"Oh, no! I'm going to have
to wash those pants twice."

And I've found from living
with all these women,

You know, it's funny,

Men and women worry
about totally different stuff.

I wish I had a dime for every
time in 18 years of marriage

That my wife has said
this one to me,

Usually right when we're walking
out of the house,

She'll go,
"How's my butt look?"

If you've been married longer
than 10 seconds,

You know the answer to that one.

"Great!

"You know, it's so small I could
barely see it in this light."

But apparently,
women put a lot of thought

Into what their butts look like.

Ladies, do you know men are not
even aware of the fact

We have a butt
till it starts itching?

And a lot of guys aren't aware

That scratching it in public
might be offensive to somebody.

"Mr. President, how you doing?
Good to see you."

And men ought to keep our hands
off our rear ends. We should.

For a lot of reasons.
The biggest one

Is because we are causing
our own butt-erosion.

We are. Have you ever seen
an old man's butt?

No, you have not, because they
don't have one anymore.

They've scratched it all off.

An old man's butt looks like
you made a frog stand up

And put on a pair
of double-knit pants.

When you lie down
to go to sleep tonight,

I want that to be the last
visual image.

That frog pulling
them britches up.

I have lots of theories
about women,

And I'm sure none of them
are right.

But I found out women have
just as many theories about men.

Probably the most common theory
women have about men,

I bet I've heard this one
in every state,

Goes something like this:

"Well, if he's got big feet...

Then you know."

Or if he's got big hands.

Or if he's got a big nose.

If he's got big ears.

Well, I tell you what,
he better be packing,

Because that's one
goofy-looking guy right there.

And, silly as it is, men do
worry about these things.

And ladies, bless your heart,

You have come up with all
these expressions

To reassure us.

"Oh, honey,

It's not the size of the ship,
it's the motion of the ocean."

Which might be true,
but I know it takes a long time

To get to England in a rowboat.

Couple of ladies
writing that down,

"Takes a long time to..."

And talking about time,

That is something else I've
learned in 18 years of marriage.

Guys, when it comes to romance,
don't be in a hurry.

Because women
are like diesel engines.

And what I mean by that is,

It may take a little while to
get them warmed up,

But once you do,

They can run a long, long time!

Whereas men, on the other hand,
see, men are more like...

Bottle rockets.

Psssssh.

Boom!

Ooh. Aah.

[MAKES SNORING SOUND]

You guys have been great.

Thanks for listening to me.
I appreciate it.

Thank you very much.

I want you to do me a favor.
Keep this going.

Bring my buddy Bill Engvall
out here one more time. Billy!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Jeff Foxworthy, right there!

[CROWD CHEERS LOUDER]

Hey, keep it going.

Bring back Ron White
and Larry the Cable Guy!

Ain't they great?

They are. You guys
have been simply awesome.

Bless your hearts.

Bless your hearts.

You know, I got to tell you,

This show has been
the most fun thing

I have ever done
in show business, and, uh...

When we first started
doing this,

The first night, we had no idea
of how to close it.

And I will tell you this,
when you're a comedian,

The greatest thrill in the world
is making people laugh.

But it gets your adrenaline
going so much

There's no way you can
possibly go to sleep

At the end of the night.

And so we've all been friends
for about 15 years.

So we have spent so many nights
at the Waffle House

At 2:00 in the morning,

Just sitting around
and telling stories.

So we decided, you know what,
that's the way

We were going to close
this thing every night,

Is to just come out
and tell stories

That made each of us laugh
through the years.

And I got to tell you something.

Everybody's got
great stories, but...

Ying-yang, here...

You got to tell the story

About when you took your sister
to the flea market

Because she was all bummed out.
Remember that?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
MAN: I hope she's hot!

Yeah, she'd make
Ray Charles flinch.

My sister... [MAN SHOUTS]

My sister is covered with moles.

She's got moles all over her
face, bunch of moles.

And we used to call her
"Old Moley."

But she went down to church
and got saved.

Now we call her "Holy Moley."

It ain't funny,
to be honest with you.

But she was feeling bad
about her moles,

So we figured we'd lift
her spirits.

Took her up to the flea market
to get her something nice.

And...
We was up there...

She's already feeling bad
about her moles,

And then the night before,

She got this horse
and it busted its leg,

And I had to shoot it.

And now it's got a broken leg
and a gunshot wound.

I don't know what you're
supposed to shoot it for, but...

I guess it helps
in the healing process

Or something. I ain't sure.

If it ain't better by next week,
I'm going to shoot it again,

I'll tell you that much.

But we's up there
at the flea market...

My grandma couldn't make it
up there.

She got arrested
at the bass pro shop.

She was eating a corn dog
and got the farts in there.

And they accused her
of stealing a duck call

And some stink bait
at the bass pro shop.

Yeah. It's ridiculous.

She didn't even have any pockets

On that nightgown she was
wearing in there.

So we's up at the flea market,

And my sister is feeling bad
about her moles.

She's complaining all day long
about her moles.

"My moles this. My moles that.
My moles, my moles."

So we walk past this feller
up there at flea market.

Got no legs.

All right? Selling boots.

That's right. Got no legs,
half an arm, you know. One ear.

His name was Lucky.

So I told my sister, I said,
"Listen, Dee Wayne." I said:

"You ought to be ashamed
of yourself.

"You ought to be ashamed.

"'Cause here's a feller
got no legs, selling boots,

"whistling, enjoying himself,

"and you is complaining
about a few moles.

You ought to be thankful for
everything the Lord give you."

And she said, "You know what?

"You're right.
I ought to be

Thankful for what
the Lord give me."

She started to get a little
extra hitch in her giddyup.

You know?
Started smiling a little more.

As soon as we passed
that feller there, with no legs,

I heard him say to his buddy,
"Good Lord!

Did you see the moles on that
girl's face right there?"

That's right.
True story.

Larry, thank you so much for
sharing that with everybody.

Makes you feel better
about your family, don't it?

Yeah, it really does.

It's kind of like going
to the state fair every time...

Feel better about
your own relatives.

It's Ron's turn. I'm going to
let you guys pick tonight.

He can either tell...

Either tell the story about,

Remember when they put
the BENGAY

In his grandmother's girdle,

Or the time he got thrown
out of the bar in New York City.

Oh, yeah. We got
to go with the bar.

New York.

All right, New York.

I got thrown out of a bar
in New York City.

Now, when I say I got thrown
out of a bar,

I don't mean somebody
asked me to leave,

And we walked
to the door together,

And I said, "Bye, everybody,
I got to go."

Six bouncers hurled me
out of a nightclub

Like I was a Frisbee.

Those big old New York bouncers

That think bouncing
is a cool job to have,

They just think about bouncing.

They hang out
with other bouncers

Talking about bouncing.

They go home every night,
watch Road House

And fondle themselves.

For wearing a hat.

I walk into a bar with a hat on.

This guy, real pissy, goes,
"Take off the hat!"

And I'm like,
"What's the deal?"

He goes, "I'll tell you
what the deal is.

"Gay people in this area
wear hats.

We're trying to keep them
out of our club."

I was like, "Oh, really?

"The only way we can tell
down in Texas

Is if they have their hair
cut like... yours."

And he got all pissed.

But he walked away,
and I took the hat off.

And like an hour later,
I'd been drinking and I forgot.

You ever forget?
It happened to me.

I put the hat back on.
The guy comes over to me.

Now, I'm between 6'1 " and 6'6",

Depending on which convenience
store I'm leaving.

I weigh 230 pounds.

The guy comes over to me,
poking me in the shoulder

With two fingers and says,
"You're out of here!"

I'm like, "I don't think so,
Scooter."

And I was wrong.

They hurled me out of that bar.

And then they squared off
with me in the parking lot

And I backed down from the fight

Because I don't know
how many of them

It would have taken
to whip my ass,

But I knew how many
they were going to use.

That's a handy little piece
of information

To have, right there.

Well, they called the police

Because we broke a chair
on the way out the door,

And I refused to pay for it.

I refused to pay for it because
we broke it over my thigh.

The cops showed up,
and at that point,

I had the right
to remain silent,

But I didn't have the ability.

And the cop says, "Mr. White,

You are being charged
with drunk in public."

I was like, "Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey.

"I was drunk in a bar.

"They threw me into public.

"I don't want to be drunk
in public.

"I want to be drunk in a bar,

"which is perfectly legal.

Arrest them."

Well, he didn't arrest them.

Instead, he made me do
a field sobriety test

Where you stand on one foot,

Raise the other foot
six inches off the ground,

And count to 30.

I made it to, "Whoo."

"Is that going
to be close enough?"

Well, it wasn't close enough,

So they call in
for my arrest record.

There's some good news.

Satellites are linking up
in outer space,

Computer banks at NASA
are kicking on,

There's a telegraph
in Fritch, Texas, going:

[MAKING BEEPING SOUNDS]

This part takes a while.

[MAKES RAPID BEEPING SOUND]

Shorthand.

Beep.

Now, I told you that story
to tell you this story.

When I was 17 years old,

I was arrested
for being drunk in public.

There kind of seems
to be a pattern there, Ron.

If you knew Morse code,
you'd already know that.

And one DWI, which was a bogus
charge because it turns out

They were stopping every vehicle

Traveling down
that particular sidewalk,

And that's profiling.

And profiling is wrong.

On the drunk in public charge
in Fritch, Texas,

The arresting officer,

Who I had literally known all my
life. You know what I mean?

This guy lived four doors
down from me

In a town of less
than 400 people.

We've met.

He takes me to jail.

When we get there, he asks me
if I have any aliases.

And I was just being a smart-ass
and said, "Yeah. They call me...

Tater Salad."

Seventeen years later
in New York City,

I'm handcuffed on a bench

With blood coming
out of my nose,

And this cop goes, "Are you
Ron 'Tater Salad' White?"

"You caught me!

You caught the Tater."

Thanks a lot.
Thank you very much.

JEFF: Love that story.

All right, it is your turn,
and you don't get a choice.

You have got to do some
"Here's your sign" jokes.

BILL: Thank you.

I had the great opportunity
this year

To take my family
to the Winter Olympics.

It was great being an American
and being in our home country.

And we were renting a car
up in Salt Lake City,

And it's got a ski rack on it.

And we was putting the skis
up in the ski rack.

The guy at the car right next
to me goes, "You going skiing?"

I said, "Nope, we put them
on top of the car

"in case we flip over
on an icy road.

Here's your sign."

This last year, I had a chance
to go elk hunting.

I got me a nice one, had it hung
on the den wall in the house.

My neighbor comes over and goes,
"Did you shoot that thing?"

I said, "Nope, he ran
through the wall and got stuck.

Here's your sign."

Hey, Bill.

Tell them about the one when
we did the show in Buffalo.

When they lost the... Oh, God!

We did this show up
in Buffalo, New York,

And we land at the airport.

We all go down
to get our luggage,

And mine didn't show up,
which I know happens.

So I go down to
the lost luggage office

Where everybody is
in such a good mood.

Who applies for that job?

Who says, "I want to work
in lost luggage?"

You don't have a good day.

That's like having a job
emptying Port-a-Potties.

You're just going
to catch crap all day long.

That is beautiful.
Did you just make that up?

Yeah.
It's beautiful.

I like to use analogies
in my show.

That's where
they compare things.

"That's funny. I don't care
who you are, right there.

That's funny, right there."

So...

So I'm trying to be nice

To this woman
in the lost luggage office.

And I said, "Excuse me."
She goes, "Can I help you?"

I said, "Yes, ma'am,
you lost my luggage."

She looked me right in the eye

And said,
"Has your plane landed yet?"

Swear.

I said, "No, princess,

"I'm having an
out-of-body experience.

"I'm just checking on it.

Here's your sign."

I hate to stop you,
but I've got one for you,

Me?

And I know you have
so many of these things.

This happened to me last week.

We're in the process
of remodeling our house.

We've been doing it
for a while, and, uh,

We have the painters
in there right now.

And they're putting sheets
over the furniture.

And we have a piano

Just a regular,
up-against-the-wall piano.

Last week, one of the painters
says to me,

"Is that y'all's piano?"

"No, that's our coffee table.
It just has buckteeth.

Here's your sign."

He did not.
Yes, he did.

Oh, my God.

I'll keep that one.
I'm going to keep that one.

Hey, let me try one of these
Bill Engvall,

"Here's your sign" deals.

I'm sorry. I did not mean
to start this.

No, you can use this.

Your next album
will go aluminum.

My grandma
is covered with moles.

Oh, my!

No. My grandma recently
just passed away.

Hundred and four years old.

That's right.
But they saved the baby.

I don't think he's kidding.

My grandma just passed away,
104 years old.

So I go up there to the flower
feller to get her flowers,

And a card up there
at the flower feller.

Wait. No, wait.
And I was walking in there...

You bought a card
for your dead grandmother?

They had them there.

I know I'm going to regret this.
What did it say?

"Get well soon."

I knew it was coming.
I knew it!

So anyway...

But anyway...

Hundred four years old.
Passed away.

I go up there
to the flower feller.

He said, "What is this for?"

I said, "My grandma
passed away at 104."

He said, "Oh, 104!
How'd she die?"

How'd she die? She's 104!

"She wrecked her Harley
up here at Bike Week.

Here's your sign."

I love it!

It was better than I thought
it was going to be.

Hey, Bill?

Bill? I got one.

Oh, do you?
Yeah.

My son...

Tater Tot...

Is covered with moles.

My son, when he was 6 years old,

Was going to fly by himself
from Dallas to Austin

To spend a week
with his grandmother.

I'm putting him on the plane,

His grandmother's
taking him off the plane.

And the lady I was buying
the ticket from says:

"Is there going to be somebody
there in Austin

To pick him up
when he gets off the plane?"

I said, "No, I'll pin
a $20 bill to his collar

"and wish him the best of luck.

Here's your sign."

Those were three good ones.

Bill, what do you say
you try one?

Yeah, let me give it a shot.

A couple weeks ago,
my car broke down.

I was on the side of the road,
had the hood up,

There was smoke
just pouring out of the motor.

This guy stops to see
if I'm all right,

But he asks the stupid question.

He goes, "Did your car
break down?"

"Nope. Car wanted a cigarette,
so I pulled over.

Here's your sign."

I was in the store
buying some pants.

I put the pants
up on the counter,

And the girl behind the counter
goes, "You going to buy those?"

"Nope, going to steal them.

"Just wanted you to see them

Before I walked
out of the store."

Hey. Tell them about the one

That you done did over
at what-you-call-her.

"Yeah, Bill, tell us
about the one

You done did over
at that deal there."

He just ended a sentence
in nine prepositions.

He's an overachiever.

I don't know about all that,
but tell it.

I know the one you're talking
about. All right.

I came out of the mall one day.

The guy parked next to me
is standing there

With a coat hanger
in his window.

And I could not stop myself.

I said, "You lock your keys
in your car?"

He whipped around and said:

"Nope. Just washed it,
going to hang it up to dry.

Here's your sign."

But the best one...

The best one I've seen yet

Happened in Los Angeles,
California.

I got stuck behind a big rig

That wedged his trailer up
underneath an overpass.

And me and the trucker are
waiting on the side of the road

On the tow truck driver.

Well, the highway
patrolman pulls up

And looks at the guy's rig
and he looks at the trucker.

And I'm thinking, "Oh, dear God,
he can't say it."

Because I'll start laughing.

Sure enough, he goes,
"You get your truck stuck?"

And God bless this trucker,
without missing a beat, he goes:

"Nope. I was delivering that
overpass and I ran out of gas.

Here's your sign."

Thank you.

Well, folks, I know this,

I can speak
for the rest of these guys.

This has been one of the most
awesome nights of my life.

And I know it's been good
for y'all, but I know...

You are not going
to leave this room

Until you hear some
"You might be a redneck!"

If you think 'N Sync is where
your dirty dishes are...

You might be a redneck.

If you take your dog for a walk

And you both use the tree
at the corner...

You might be a redneck.

If you think a 401(k) is your
mother-in-law's bra size...

You might be a redneck.

If your dad's cell number

Has nothing to do
with a telephone...

You might be a redneck.

If you keep a fly swatter
on the front seat of the car...

So you can reach your kids
in the back seat of the car...

They're like, "Can you do that?
Is that okay?"

No. Don't do that.

If your working television

Sits on top of your non-working
television...

You might be a redneck.

If you've ever been accused
of lying through your tooth...

You might be a redneck.

If you work without a shirt on
and so does your husband...

You might be a redneck.
I like that.

If an episode
of Walker, Texas Ranger

Changed your life...

You might be a redneck.

If you've ever worn a tube top
to a funeral home...

You might be a redneck.
Oh, my God!

I can't even believe
you just said that one.

Why? Did you see that?
No.

No. I got one better.

If you've ever opened a beer
during a eulogy...

You might be a redneck.

I'm just guessing,
one of your relatives.

My uncle Jack.

I swear to you, Jeff,
we were sitting...

We weren't even outside.

We were in the church.

The reverend had just finished
the eulogy and we heard:

[MAKES SOUND OF CAN OPENING]

And we look in the back,

And he's sitting there
with a beer and he goes, "What?"

"Mama looks good, don't she?"

"That ain't Mama."

"No, that's her.
They just shaved her beard off."

Oh, my God.

"Forgot my beer."

All right, well,

As long as you're telling ones
on your relatives,

I'm telling one on you.

This is one he did, and it's
about 12 years ago, in Iowa.

I want you to think back.

A couple of DJs
told me about this.

If you have ever ridden
an electric floor buffer...

You...
All right, wait, wait, wait!

Tequila was involved,
get off me.

I wonder how many times
his wife has said that.

That's for you.

One more on you.

If you ever empty the bed
of your pickup truck

By driving backwards really fast
and slamming on the brakes...

That's how we moved.
You might be a redneck.

If you've ever used a bar stool
for a walker...

You might be a redneck.

If you think
Silence of the Lambs

Is what happens when Larry
walks out to the barn...

"That's funny. I don't care
who you are, that's funny.

Get her done!"

If there is an electronic
singing fish

In more than three rooms
of your home...

You might be a redneck.

If you missed
fifth-grade graduation

Because you had jury duty...

You might be a redneck.

If you think fast food

Is hitting a deer
at 65 miles an hour...

You might be a redneck.

If somebody tells you you have
something in your teeth,

And you take them out
to see what it is...

You might be a redneck.

If you have a complete set
of salad bowls

And they all say "Cool Whip"
on the side...

You might be a redneck.

If you wear a dress
that is strapless

With a bra that isn't...

You might be...

Think about that and try to
sleep tonight, all right?

If you ever stared
at a can of orange juice

Because it said "concentrate"...

You might be a redneck.

If you've ever had your nipple
bitten off by a beaver...

You might be a redneck.
God bless you.

Thank you so much.

God bless you. You guys
are awesome. Thank you.

[♪♪♪]

Those scratchers good?
Can I borrow it for one second?

WOMAN: Oh, my God!
MAN: Oh, my God!

Oh, that does good!

Hey, wash that off real good
when you get home.

I'll kick his mule.

Got something
for Larry's Christmas.

Let's see what it does.

Fart detected! Fart detected!

[ALARM RINGING]

♪ And every time
That I come home ♪

♪ Nobody wants to let me be ♪

Who's the actor here?

Uh, there are no actors here.

Believe me, this is an
actor-free environment.

[FART SOUND]

Look at this. I could Halloween
in these things. Look at that.

I feel like a hundred pesos.
BILL: Look at this!

No? No.

Kiss your neck.

♪ So don't ask me
No questions ♪

♪ And I won't tell you
No lies ♪

♪ So don't ask me
'Bout my business ♪

[ZIPS PANTS]

♪ And I won't tell you
Goodbye ♪

Come on, guys.
It's show time!

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like to do a little
something from my honeymoon.

[INSTRUMENT MOOS]

JEFF:
I'm doing a book signing
in Alabama.

And this guy comes up and said,
"Will you personalize it?"

I said, "Yeah, I'll write
whatever you want."

He said, "I want you to write:

"'To Josh, please quit flicking
your boogers

In your daddy's truck.'"

I'm trying to make conversation
with the guy

And I said,
"How old is your son?"

Thinking he's going to say
4 or 5. And he goes, "22."

2786. All right, big fella.
Hold on, they're still flying.

This is stupid.
What do they do with these?

Take them to Hooters.

I could sell used cars in Texas.

You could.

♪ So don't ask me
No questions ♪

Earlier today, we were in
Victoria's Secret.

This is from Rhonda's Secret.

Larry, I found something

That's going to remind you
of your prom night.

[MAKES SHEEP SOUND]

♪ Goodbye ♪

I'm going to have
the Texas cheese steak.

And the hash browns,
I want with, uh,

Cheese, onions, chilies,
jalapeños and hot sauce.

What is wrong with you?
What?

Does your cardiologist know
that you eat this way?

Believe me, Fox, I didn't get
to where I am today

Worrying about what I was
going to feel like tomorrow.

Uh... You're just going
to let me die, aren't you?

[BLOWS]

Oh, my God!
LARRY: Oh, no!

Go down there
and stand like that,

And I swear I'll get it
right by you.

All right.
How do you do this?

[BLOWS]

You son of a bitch!

[SNORING]

This is beautiful.
Look at this.

You might be a redneck if you've
ever slept in the Waffle House.

I'd like to go on the record
right now as saying

I don't think any of this
is funny.

The director of this film
is easily amused.

♪ So don't ask me
No questions ♪

♪ And I won't tell you
No lies ♪

♪ Yeah, don't ask me
'Bout my business ♪

♪ And I won't tell you
Goodbye ♪♪

[EFFEMINATE VOICE]
Saddle that cow.

I'm going to ride it
till it spits.

Don't tell nobody I done that.

That's just for you.