Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again (2004) - full transcript

( rollicking country theme
playing )

( horn blaring )

Oh...

Man.

( moos )

( groans )

Oh, good granny!

Good granny.
( laughing )

What is wrong with you?

You know the rules.

Stand up in the bathroom,



Sit down at the truck stop
and the hotel.

It's not funny.

Hey, you ordered
the Frito chili pie.

JEFF:
Ohh...

Go... Ohh...

( groans )
Him.

Hey, don't look at me.

RON:
What's funny about it?
What do you think's funny?

JEFF: It's not funny.

It's nasty.
It's sick.

Shh, shh, shh.

Morning, fellas.

Oh, my God.
BILL: Oh-ho!

RON:
He must have worked in a zoo.



( group laughing )

JEFF:
I cannot believe
he can stay in there.

Man. Hey, I'm getting hungry.

Y'all got any
of that Frito pie left?

Unbelievable.

JEFF:
Help! Find me an airport!

I can't do this
four more months.

( group laughing )

All right, here's the deal.

I at least want a shot
at not going last this time.

So we are gonna draw numbers
out of a hat.

Whatever number you draw,

That's what position
you go up on the show.

Is that fair?
Fair.

Yeah, that's fair.
Ronnie, go first.

Come on, last. Two!

JEFF: Yeah!
LARRY: Baby...

Hoo! Number one.
Leading off.

Seven and three-quarters.

Seven and three...?

You tore the tag out of the hat.

Draw a number.

LARRY:
Little drumroll. Come on.
( imitates drumroll )

( Jeff hoots, others laughing )

He's going last.

( others laughing )

PJ WALSH ( over loudspeaker
): Denver, are you ready for

Blue Collar Comedy Tour
Rides Again?

( crowd cheering )

Please welcome
Mr. Bill Engvall!

( crowd cheering )

Thank you very much.

Well, now I know why
we did this in Denver.

( loud cheering )

Tonight, we're gonna talk
a little bit

About relationships...

( laughter )

and what I see

As the basic difference
between men and women.

And I don't think I'll be making
any of this mess up.

I think the biggest difference
between men and women is this:

Men are basic. Just basic.

There's not
a whole lot of frills.

WOMAN:
That's right.

That's why, ladies,

When you ask a fella a question,

A lot of times, the answer
you get is, "I don't know."

Basic.

Women are details.

Details, details, details.
WOMAN: Whoo!

If... Yeah.

( chuckles )
( women hooting )

If you don't got the details,
do not talk to a woman.

I'll give you a great example.

My friend Joey and I

Were working out
at the gym the other day.

Joey says to me, "Hey, man,
I'm getting a divorce."

And I said, "Oh, that sucks.
Can you spot me?"

( laughter, applause )

That was our whole conversation.

I understood it,
he understood it.

So I go home

And I tell my wife, I go,
"Hey, Joey's getting a divorce."

"Oh, my God. What happened?"

"I don't know."

She said, "What do you mean,
'I don't know'?

Was he cheating on her?
Was she cheating on him?"

I said, "Again, baby,
I don't know."

I'm not holding
anything back here.

You got a better chance

Of getting an answer
out of the dog.

And that's when it hit me.
That's why dogs don't talk.

They've learned.

She said,
"Bill, how can somebody tell you

They're getting a divorce and
you don't ask any questions?"

And I said, "Baby, because
he didn't ask me a question."

All right?

What he said was a statement.

He said,
"I'm getting a divorce,"

Which said to me,

"I have the situation in hand

And require no further input
on your part."

Now, had Joey said,

"What do you think about me
getting a divorce?"

Then I would've said, "Well,
you're gonna be dating again,

You need to work on your abs."

( chuckles )

Lord, that's the only reason
I got married.

My gym membership ran out.

You see, ladies,

Men have three basic needs
in life, that's it.

Three: eating, sleeping, sex.
That's it.

That's our whole day.

And I can do all three of those
in my truck.

By myself.

In traffic.

See, I've been married a while,

So I'm having to relearn
all this stuff I thought I knew.

You know, like her little signs
and what kind of mood she's in.

Because I thought I knew them,
but apparently, I don't.

Like one night,
we was lying in bed,

Getting ready to go to sleep.

We turned off the lights,

My wife puts her hand
on my shoulder,

Rolls over, gives me a kiss
and says, "Good night."

I said, "Well... ( smooch )
Good night."

I went to sleep.

Next morning, she goes,

"What happened to you
last night?"

"Well, wh-what do you mean,
what happened to me last night?"

She said,
"Well, I was in the mood."

I said, "Well, why didn't
you say something?"

She said, "I put my hand
on your shoulder."

I said, "Baby, uh, let me think
if I can explain this to you.

You know those bars
called topless bars?"

She said, "Yeah," and I said,

"They don't sell
shoulder dances."

I ain't never met a guy
in my life

That get his shoulder touched

And he goes, "Hey, hey, hey!
Yeah, yeah!"

So a couple weeks later
we're lying in bed,

She kind of pushes
on my shoulder.

And I said, "All right.

This rodeo's fixing
to kick off."

So I start putting my moves on,
she goes, "No, not tonight.

I'm not in the mood."

"You touched my shoulder."

She said, "No,
I pushed your shoulder.

Touch means go, push means no."

Is there a manual
to this machine?

You see, marital sex
is kind of like ordering

A Civil War chess set
through the mail.

You get one piece
every four to six weeks...

you don't know
what kind of shape

That piece is gonna be in
when you get it,

But you still gotta pay
the handling charges.

But see, now that our kids
are kind of grown-up,

We're having to spend
a little more time together.

And when you're dating,

You spend all the time
in the world together

Because chances are,
you're gonna end up having sex.

After you've been married
a long time, chances are...

You just gonna be
spending time together.

So now she wants us
to start doing things together.

I said, "All right,
we'll do things together."

First thing out of her mouth,

"Let's go on
a whale-watching trip."

I said, "What?"

She goes, "I wanna get in a boat
and go see the whales.

Let's go see the whales."
And I said, "No."

That's a 60-foot animal,

We're in a 6-foot rubber boat.

We're a bath toy.

She said, "Well, I wanna
go see them."

I said, "We're not gonna
see them."

She goes, "We're gonna
go see them."

And I said, "Well, all right."

So the day of the trip,

I'm whining and moaning
because I don't wanna go.

And especially because we're
going with

This other couple friends
of ours,

Who are from California,
and they're nice people,

Don't get me wrong.

But we just don't see
eye to eye.

So we get down on the dock,

And this dude
is right in my face, like,

( surfer accent ):
"Bill, dude, check this out,
all right? Check this out.

Do you know what would, like,
totally make my day?"

And I said, "A GED?"

He said, "No, no, dude,
I don't want a 'ged.'

"Dude, check this out.

"This would, like, totally
make my day, all right?

"So we're out in this little
boat, check this out.

"And we're on the waves,

"like, going, whoa, waves,
whoa, waves, whoa.

"And then, like,
it would be so righteous

"if, like, this whale just,
like, went, 'Whssh!'

Right by the boat.
That would make my day."

So we're out in this little boat
in the middle of the ocean

And surf-boy gets his wish.

Out of nowhere,
this humongous whale

Comes out of the water,
right by the boat,

And goes, "Psss!"

And sprays this nasty liquid
all over the boat.

And the Californians
are freaking, like,

( effeminately ):
"Oh, my God, he sprayed us.
That is so cool.

He sprayed us. He sprayed us."

I'm like,
"He blew his nose on us!"

We just paid 200 bucks apiece

To have a whale hawk
a loogie on us.

And then the whale went,
"Reeeee!"

And they're like,
"What'd he say?

What'd he say? What'd he say?"

I'm like, "He said, 'Reeee!'
That's what he said!"

Which means,
"I just blew snot on you.

I'm gonna go tell my friends."

See, we just need to leave
the animals alone.

God, just let them live
their lives because...

( applause, cheering )

We are so bent on figuring
everything out about animals,

And they're just animals.

We don't have to figure...
All right, great example:

In California, in the desert,

They found bones
of this prehistoric porpoise.

And they were saying
it's interesting

Because this porpoise's
upper jaw

Sticks out a lot further
than his lower jaw.

So I'm figuring
he's gotta look like:

And they're trying to figure out

If this upper jaw was used
during sex or for eating.

And I'm thinking, you know what?

You can rule out sex.

Because if you look like this:

Sex ain't happening, all right?

I mean, what if it's just
a goofy-looking fish?

You know, like a dork fish.

You know.

He'd be out in that desert like,

( goofily ):
"Oh, this ain't the ocean.

Wooo! I'd better find me
some water."

( guffaws )

Can you imagine
if you were fishing

And you caught a dork fish?

Because you know your friends
would be like, "Hey, man...

( laughing ):
what kind of fish is that?"

You'd be like, "Oh...

Nothing."

Because you know that fish

Will stick his head
out of that bucket,

"I'm a dork fish!

"He caught me on a corn dog.

"I swear to God.

"I was swimming
underneath the ocean,

"and I said, 'What's a corn dog
doing underneath the ocean?'

"But, boy, you know me,

I love them dang corn dogs,
boy."

So she's wanting...

( chuckles )

She's wanting to do
some stuff together.

So I said, "All right, listen.

"I got an idea for something
we can do together.

Let's go deer hunting."

We did the whale-watching thing.
Let's go deer hunting.

Fair is fair.

Well, I knew
this was gonna be a mistake...

When we was driving out
to where we were gonna hunt.

And we keep passing
these deer-crossing signs.

And my wife, who's
the smartest person I know,

Says to me, "Why do they put
those signs up?

Deer can't read."

"No, but they do recognize
pictures of themselves."

Let me set the scene for you.

I got on camouflage pants,
I got on a camouflage jacket,

Camouflage ball cap, I got
camouflage paint on my face.

I've got a .30-06
with a laser scope.

( scattered cheers )

She... is in
a yellow jogging suit...

white tennis shoes
and she brought her purse.

I'm here to kill a deer,
she's gonna take it shopping.

So we get in the stand...
Any of you hunters out there,

You know the time of day
I'm talking about, man.

Oh, yeah.

It is the perfect time of day.

It's dark, it's early morning,
it's cold.

You're making steam
with your breath.

Off in the distance,
you hear a turkey gobble

As he wakes up for the day.

A squirrel scampers through
the dead leaves.

It is the perfect time of day.

MAN:
Yeah!

It's quiet.

Kind of.

Because in the darkness
of our deer stand,

I'm hearing things like this:

( sighs )

( whispers ):
"Bill.

What are we doing?"

"We're, um...

"We're waiting for the deer
to show up, okay, honey?

"Shh.

You gotta be really quiet."

( sighs )

( whispers ):
"What time do they show up?"

"I, uh...

"I don't know.

"They didn't return the phone
call to set up the meeting!

( desperately ):
Now, please be quiet."

( whispers ):
"Bill...

I've gotta pee."

"Now? There's a coffee can."

"Oh, wake up."

The sun has come up.

And in the clearing stands
a buck, ten points, good 250.

And I'm like, "Oh...

"Thank you, God.

You are on the wall."

And this is what I hear,

( gasps ):
"Oh.

( loudly ):
"Isn't he cute?

"He looks like Bambi's dad.

Remember we saw that movie
with the kids?"

"Yes, I remember the movie.
It was a cartoon.

Now, please shut up."

"Well, you're not gonna
shoot him, are you?"

"What do you think I brought
this gun for?

"Protection?

"Like that deer might run up
this tree and rob us?"

She freaks, she goes,
"Run, deer, run! Run! Run!"

( applause, cheering )

That...

Is the only time...

I've ever pushed a woman
out of a tree.

I do joke about her, y'all,
but, you know, she...

I love her to death.
She gave me two beautiful kids,

And I look forward...

I look forward
to getting old with her.

And I-I'll tell you
a great little story

Happened not too long ago.

My son, who plays piano now...
He's getting really good at it.

And we was sitting
in the den the other day,

My wife and I was watching TV.
He comes and he goes,

"Hey, Dad, I'm gonna play you
a song on the piano."

And I said, "Hey, great."

So I go in to where
the piano is, and he goes,

"I'm gonna play you a song
from Harry Potter."

And I said, "Oh, cool,
the movie?"

And he goes, "Nope, the book."

Heeeere's your sign.

Ohhh, we've had some good ones
this year.

I was talking about hunting.

Last October, I went hunting
down at the ranch.

And I had on, again,
my camouflage pants,

Camouflage jacket,
camouflage ball cap.

We did the morning hunt,
didn't get anything.

Well, I had to go
into the Wal-Mart

At lunch to get some supplies.

And I walk in the front door
of the Wal-Mart

And the greeter goes,
"You been hunting?"

( chuckles )

I said, "Nope, I'm on my way
to a tree-hugging party."

Heeeere's your sign.

( applause, cheering )

( chuckles )

I'll tell you one my wife did.

I was uh, book... Got booked
on this corporate job.

And it was in Arkansas
and it was a morning show,

So we had to fly in
the night before

On this little puddle-jumper
airplane,

On this remote airstrip
at night.

I was not thrilled.

When we landed on
the runway at night,

We hit a deer with our airplane.

You cannot make this up.

And it killed the deer,
it wrecked the engine,

We had to evacuate the plane.

Well, they put us
in this little minivan,

And they're busing us back

To this terminal.
And I'm laughing at this point

Because this is the dumbest
thing I've ever seen in my life.

I mean, how do you hit a deer
with a airplane?

So I called my wife
on the cell phone.

I said, "Baby, you're not
gonna believe this.

We just hit a deer
with our airplane."

And there was a silence...

On the other end of the line.

Followed by, "Oh, my God,
were you on the ground?"

I said, "Nope,
Santa was making one last run."

Heeeere's your sign.

And I had one almost got me
thrown in jail.

I took my wife to Europe
this year.

And we'd been over there
for a couple weeks.

We bought a couple of paintings
about that big, about 11-by-15.

And they were too small
to check,

And we didn't wanna get them
damaged,

So we just carried them
on the airplane.

Well, our plane lands
from Frankfurt, Germany,

Into Los Angeles for customs.

We walk off the plane
into customs.

We're holding the paintings
in our hand

And the customs agent goes,

"Did y'all buy them paintings
outside the country?"

"No.

"No, see, we carry this one
all the time with us.

And my wife painted this one
while we was waiting in line."

Heeeere's your sign.

God bless you, Denver.
Thank you very much.

( cheering, applause )

Keep it going
for my buddy Ron White!

( upbeat bluegrass theme
playing )

Easy, Seabiscuit.

The Chinese...

Have a space program now.

It's not like
the U.S. space program,

Because in the Chinese
space program,

Tang...

( laughter )

is one of the astronauts.

I lived in Mexico
for a couple years,

And I was in a horrific
car crash in Mexico.

Some of you know this.

And I had a metal plate put in
my head by a Mexican doctor.

No kidding.

And the weird thing was, right
before he performed the surgery,

He said, "Be very careful.

This plate is hot."

Did you ever take a crap so big
your pants fit better?

Has that ever happened
to anybody in here?

Anybody?

( cheering, applause )

I'm hoping that happens to me
later tonight

Because, uh...

These babies don't fit anymore.

I'm hoping I'm one big turd away

From backing
into an old wardrobe.

I decided last week

That there were too many
support groups in this country.

You need to pick your own self
up and go, you know.

I saw this commercial last week,

And it was for a bladder-control
awareness group.

I'm like, "Let me explain
something to you.

"If you have
a bladder-control problem,

You're probably aware of it."

You know?

Or you're in
some weird-ass denial

I've never even heard of,
you know.

"Bob, I've got
a moisture problem in this area,

"and... I don't know

"if it's condensation
due to high humidity, or...

Or if I'm pissing myself, Bob."

Well, I'll tell you
a little bit about myself.

My brother's a doctor
and my sister's an attorney,

And I hate Thanksgiving.

( cheering, applause )

Last year, we're sitting around
the dining room table

And my brother tells a story

About all the neat lives
he'd saved.

And my sister tells
a story about...

Winning a lawsuit
for an orphanage

And helping the children.

My mom goes, "Well, Ron...

is there anything new
with your career?"

And I go, "Yeah.

I got a new bit about sticking
my pecker in a toaster."

Maybe I should've told
my story first.

Well, that's enough comedy.

I would like to talk
for just a little bit

About fireworks safety.

It's something I like to do
every time I speak in public.

I know, seriously, uh...

Years ago, my friend
Timmy Smithers and I

Went to a Fourth of July
celebration.

And at one point
in the festivities,

Timmy leaned back too far
with a lit punk

And ignited the main fireworks
display for the evening,

Inevitably causing his death,
and not a night goes by

That I don't wake up
feeling horrible,

Because I know, in my heart,

There was more I could've done
to save his life.

But it was so pretty.

( laughter )

WOMAN:
Oww!

"Timmy, no...!
Would you look at that.

That's the beginning
of the Chinese space program."

My childhood was fraught
with tragedy, actually.

I wasn't a bright child.

I had a very weak vocabulary.

In fact, if I'd have known
the difference

Between antidote and anecdote,

My friend Bobby Schneider
would still be alive today.

He got bit by a copperhead,

I'm reading him funny stories
out of Reader's Digest.

His head's starting to swell,
I'm like, "It ain't working."

He goes, "Read faster!"

Things are going great, though.
For me, not for my grandpa.

He can't afford Viagra.

So I buy him ginkgo biloba,
now he can remember

What it's like
to have a hard-on.

Things are going great, though.
I just got married

A couple months ago,
and I'm very excited.

I'm as happy as I've ever been
in my life.

The first time we made love,

It was a little awkward
because...

Well, you've heard of
these screamers, right?

Well, apparently,

She had never been with one,
right?

Because I'm...

( laughter )

I'm going at it,
I'm like, "Ahhh!

"Ahhhhhh!

Ahhhhh!"

She's like,
"What's up with that?"

"I'm a screamer, baby.

Daddy makes a little racket
in the sack."

I'm from Texas. I'm a cowboy,
a real cowboy.

I was a bronc rider
for six years of my life.

( cheering, applause )

And it's affected me.

Now, when I have sex,
my arm goes like this:

Seems to be some dispute
between the wife and I

Whether or not I'm staying on
that full eight seconds.

So we got the timer and buzzer

And set it up right there
in the bedroom,

And I taught her the meaning
of the phrase

"most of the time."

Would've been all the time,
but she won't let me

Tie that rope around
her waist anymore.

She hates it when I spur her
out of the chutes.

Hey, you laugh. It's not easy
to keep an erection

With a clown in a barrel
in the corner of the room.

Is it, sir?

I'm probably not
a typical Texan,

In that I don't hunt.

I fish, but I don't hunt.
And not because I think

It might somehow be more holy

To eat meat that's been
bludgeoned to death

By somebody else, that's not it.

It's really early
in the morning,

It's really cold outside,
and... I don't wanna go.

( scattered cheers )

My cousin Ray,
on the other hand,

Thinks killing a deer
with a deer rifle

Is magic in the forest.

And I'd like to do for you now
my impression

Of my cousin Ray
after the big kill.

"Hell, it was...
4 in the morning.

"Twenty-two degrees outside.

"Of course, you weren't there.

"Pussy.

"I'm in a camouflage deer blind
with greasepaint on my face.

"I've got deer urine
on my boots.

I'm not sure why."

I made that part up.

"I got a .30-06
with a 12-power scope

"and a bullet that'll travel
2200 feet per second.

"When that deer looked up
to lick the salt sucker

"I'd hung from
the danged old tree...

caught him
right above the eye."

I'm like, "Yeah, well,
I hit one with a van...

( laughter )

( cheering, applause )

"going 55 miles an hour

"with the headlights on
and the horn blowing.

Woo! That's an elusive little
creature."

If you ever miss one,

It's because
the bullet's moving too fast.

Slow that bullet down
to 55 miles an hour,

Put some headlights
and a little horn on it.

The deer will actually jump
in front of the bullet.

It's kind of weird.
When we got married,

We got married in Nassau.

We were walking down the street.
We had just gotten married.

And it's a beautiful day,

We'd been married
for 45 minutes,

So things were going great,
right?

( laughter )

And this guy comes up to me
and my wife, and he goes,

( goofily ):
"Hey, man, I saw you
on that Blue Collar deal."

And I said, "Well,
thank you very much."

Which is a stupid thing
for me to say

Because he didn't say
he liked it.

He just said he saw it, right?

But I don't always know
what to say,

So I said, "Thank you very much,
I hope you have a nice day."

And I turned around.
He goes, "I was talking to you."

I'm like, "What?"

He goes,
"Do you like Garth Brooks?"

( scattered cheers )

I'm like, "Yeah, I like
Garth Brooks fine."

I don't, but I said I did
because, you know, what the...

I just wanted
to get on with my day.

He goes, "Garth Brooks is
the only entertainer in America

Worth paying money to see."
I was like...

Oh, now I'm trying
not to be a jerk,

Because my manager told me
I couldn't be a jerk anymore,

No matter what, right? So...

So I said, "Well, I'm sure
a lot of people feel that way

"because
he's a great entertainer.

"And he's got throngs of fans.
He's sold a billion records.

Anyway, have a nice day."

He goes, "I camped out one time
for five days

To get Garth Brooks tickets."

I'm like, "Really?

"I wouldn't camp out
for five days if I was...

Camping."

I told that story three weeks
ago in Nashville. Nothing.

Like I just told
a big Jesus joke

In the middle of Bethlehem,
is what it...

This guy actually accosted me
after the show.

He goes, "You don't understand
Garth Brooks."

I'm like, "Yeah, I do."

He goes, "No, you don't.
He's country,

And he's rock 'n' roll."

"I know."

"He's like Led Zeppelin
with a big-ass belt buckle.

"He's like Aerosmith
with a can of Skoal.

He's Donny and he's Marie."

"Take him camping with you."

( cheering, applause )

Marry a rich woman
if you ever have a choice.

Go ahead.

Actually, that's a lie.

She's not rich at all.
Her parents are

Lo-o-o-o-oade-e-e-e-d-du-u-u-uh.

And they hate my

Gu-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-ts.

And I'm waiting for them to

Di-i-i-i-i-e.

And you'll know
if they die, too,

Because you'll never see
my fat ass again.

Whoooo!

I hear a lot of this.
I hear a lot of,

"Well, Ron, you're a pretty
good-sized old boy.

Well, I guess your wife's
a good cook."

Bullshit.

Oh, it got a little better
when she figured out

That smoke alarm's not a timer.

( man whistles )

I had to tell her,
"Honey, the food is done

Before that particular buzzer
goes off."

It was real bad
when we first got married.

The first meal she cooked
in our new house,

I couldn't eat it.

I couldn't even tell you
what it was.

I gave it to my dog, Sluggo.
He started licking his butt.

She comes in and goes,
"What's he doing?" I'm like,

"Looks like he's trying to get
the taste out of his mouth."

( cheering, applause )

Everything's an emergency
to my wife

Because she never had to deal
with her own problems.

Spoiled, catered to
her whole life.

There's no cure for that.

That ain't gonna get better
later...

I fear.

I was in Atlanta one time,
and she calls me one night.

Missed me in the hotel room,
they catch me in the lobby

And tell me I have an emergency
phone call from home.

I knock over ten people in
the lobby of a very nice hotel,

Thinking maybe my...

In-laws.

I call her, she tells me
my dog, Sluggo,

Just took a dump
on the new carpet.

I'm like, "Shoot him."

She goes,
"That's just like you, Ron.

I have a genuine problem,
and you're being sarcastic."

"All right, honey, I'm sorry.

"Put the dog on the phone.
I'll talk to him.

( cheering, applause )

"What do you want me to do?

"I'm in Georgia!

"I can't pick up the turd.

Put a paper towel over it,
I'll be home in a week, honey."

I get home,

It looks like a little
campground in the living room.

Like they're waiting
to buy tickets

To a miniature Garth Brooks
concert.

( cheering, applause )

"Let him outside.

"He'll crap out there.

I've seen him do it."

When I first met my wife,

She had this 15-year-old
Scottish terrier,

And it was kind of wobbly.

And the first time
I saw the dog, I was like,

"Oh, this dog's about to die."

And I don't wanna go through
the death of this dog

With this woman.
I just met her.

Sure enough, two weeks later,

Clunk.

Dead.

And she's inconsolable,
in bed crying.

I've seen people lose it
over the death of a pet,

But this dog lived for 15 years.

If you wanna beat that
by very much,

You gotta get a tortoise
or a tree.

And she's just losing it.
And I don't know what to do.

And I call Foxworthy,
and I tell Foxworthy,

I said, "Buddy, I'm lost here."
He goes,

( goofily ):
"Get her another dog,"

Or however he talks.

( laughter, applause )

So I tell her, I said, "Honey,
I'll get you another dog."

She just loses it.
"I don't want another dog.

I never want another dog.
I want my Totty back."

I'm like, "Eeeez."

So I listened to her for,
like, a week.

I'm like, "You know what?
I'm gonna get her another dog."

So I find this place
that raises Scotties

Where we live, not too far.

And I get her in the car,

And I tell her
where we're going.

And at first she's against it.

"I don't want a dog.
I never want another dog.

I want my Totty."

But we get down there, right?

She sees them all hopping in
the window. "Pick me. Pick me."

And I buy her this little black
Scottish terrier puppy,

And I give it to her, and,
folks, it heals her heart.

It heals her heart.
WOMAN: Awww...

Well, two weeks ago, her father
passed away and I'm like,

"I think I see
a way out of this."

So I get her in the car,
and she doesn't know

We're going to
the old folks' home, right? See.

And when I tell her, at first,
she's against it.

"I don't want a new daddy,
I don't want a new daddy."

But we get down there, she sees
them all hopping in the window,

"Pick me. Pick me."

She wanted a black one.

I'm like, "Keep it simple.
That's what I'd do.

"Nothing wrong with it, think
it through, though." You know.

He acts weird
when I'm in the room,

But I think it's because
he smells my daddy on me.

I'm a dog lover.

( cheering )

Actually, I love my dog.

I don't care about your dog
at all. I really don't.

I don't know if that's enough
to make me a dog lover or not.

We have three dogs.
We have two Scotties,

And then my dog's a bulldog,
Sluggo, the English bulldog.

( scattered cheers )

You know what I do to him
when he's asleep?

I lift up those big, old,
huge bulldog jowls

And I hide M&M's
and crap in there.

He wakes up in the morning,
he's like:

( smacking lips )

"Gonna be a good day, Tater."

( cheering, applause )

He calls me Tater.

( chuckles )

He's a great dog.

I stud him out last year
for pick of the litter,

And I put him with the female
dog for a couple of weeks

Because you just feel like
getting your dog laid.

You know he hasn't been laid.

He's been in the back yard
for two years, shaking.

"Do you know somebody, Tater?
Is there somebody you can call?

"Could you...

"throw a poodle
over the fence, buddy?

I'm turning blue back here."

Then to make sure it "took,"

I took him down
to the veterinarian's office

And had artificial insemination
done twice.

Now, for those of you
that don't know,

That's where they obtain
the semen from Sluggo

And put it in the female dog,

And now it's pretty easy to get
old Sluggo to go to the vet.

You say something around my
house that sounds like "vet,"

Sluggo's humping air.

I went down there.

The veterinarian had
the audacity to say to me,

"Mr. White, if you'll just
come back here,

"we'll show you how to do this,

"and next time you don't have
to bring in the dog.

You can just bring in
the semen."

I was like, "That's okay.

He follows
me around too much as it is."

Hey, two months ago,
he ran away.

And he was gone for ten hours.
All day.

And when he got home,
just to piss him off...

I took him for a walk.

You guys were great.
I hope you enjoyed it.

This is gonna be a fun night.

( cheering, applause )

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Jeff Foxworthy!

( fun country music playing )

Thank you very much.
Ron White, everybody!

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Man, it is so cool
to be back together

With these guys doing this,
you know.

I swear.

( cheering )

Because this is a group
where I know I fit in, you know.

Because the way the world is
now, you can be part of a group

And not even know
you're a part of a group

Until you read about it
or see it on TV,

And I'll give an example of
what I'm talking about.

My wife and I, we love watching,

Like, Dateline, 20/20,
those shows.

But you know how every week
they will feature a disease.

And I swear to you, every week,
no matter what the disease is,

My wife has it.

There could be three people
on the planet

That have this disease,
my wife is one of them.

She just watches it going:

"I've got it.

I have every one
of those symptoms."

I'm like, "You do not have
testicular cancer.

You don't even have
testiculars."

But they've made us such a bunch
of paranoid nuts, you know.

Because when I was growing up,

There were two medicines
in the world:

You had aspirin
and Campho-Phenique.

That's all there was.

Now there are so many medicines.

And they got
this prescription stuff

That they advertise on TV.
And I swear,

Half the time the side effects
are 50-times worse

Than what the medicine cures.

( cheering, applause )

It's like, "Try new Fluorofluor.

"For itchy, watery eyes,
it's Fluorofluor.

"Side effects may include

"nausea, vomiting,
water weight gain,

"lower back pain,
receding hairline, eczema,

"seporiasoriasis, itching,
chafing clothing,

"liver spots, blood clots,
ringworm, excessive body odor,

"uneven tire wear,
pyorrhea, gonorrhea, diarrhea,

"halitosis, scoliosis,
loss of bladder control,

"hammertoe, the shanks,
low sperm count,

"warped floors,
cluttered drawers, hunchback,

"heart attack, low resale value
on your home...

"feline leukemia,
athlete's foot,

"head lice, clubfoot,

"MS, MD, VD, fleas,

"anxiety, sleeplessness,
drowsiness, poor gas mileage,

"tooth decay, parvo, warts,
unibrow, lazy eye,

"fruit flies, chest pains,
clogged drains, hemorrhoids,

Dry heaving
and sexual dysfunction."

( cheering, applause )

I'm watching it going,
"You know what,

I'll just have
itchy, watery eyes."

And some of the side effects...

Have you seen the commercial
for Cialis, the Viagra knockoff?

In the commercial,
they will tell you,

"If this pill does
what it should,

"and you have this condition

"for longer than
four continuous hours,

You should go to the hospital."

You know what,
I might go to the hospital,

But I'm wearing that little gown
they give you backwards.

And walking the halls, baby.

( cheering, applause )

"How you doing?

"Who's got a flag?

Hey, you wanna hang
that coat up?"

The worst side effect I've seen,
there's this diet pill,

And one of the side effects
they list is anal seepage.

You know, I don't care
how much weight you lose.

If this side effect kicks in,

You ain't looking good
in them jeans.

"Oh, man, check out the girl
over there... Oh, man!"

Anal seepage.

It's not even fun to say.

Much less write
on an insurance report.

And not medical insurance,
homeowner's, to explain

Why your sofa is sitting
at the end of the driveway.

There are some goofy
medical things out there.

They had a guy on
Ripley's Believe It or Not

About a year ago that,
that in a tragic accident,

Got his happy place chopped off.

And his doctor,
in a fit of brilliance,

Decided they were going to cut
the man's finger off

And use it to create
a new happy place.

And I'm sitting there
watching this, thinking,

"I wanna see this guy
put his contact lenses in."

And this is not the man
you ask directions from.

"Well, take a right out
of the parking lot,

Then you're gonna have
to make a U-turn."

"That's okay. We'll find it by
ourselves. Thanks. Thanks."

Can you imagine
the pre-surgery consultation?

The doctor going, "Well, I think
what we're gonna attempt to do

Is to remove one of your fingers

And use it to create
a new happy place for you."

"One of my fingers?

"It ain't gonna be my pinky,
is it, doc?

"Because, listen, I don't use
my left arm all that much.

Y'all can go ahead and take it
right there at the shoulder."

You know, probably
my favorite channel on TV

Is the Outdoor Channel.

All right, because I've always
loved the outdoors.

Hunting, fishing and stuff.

I'm addicted
to the Outdoor Channel

Just because it's amazing,

The footage they get
of these animals.

Like, you...
You'll see things like,

"All right, we're down here
deer hunting

"at the Perlot's Ranch
in south Texas.

"And there is
a giant 14-point buck

Eight yards away from us."

You know,
and that's fascinating to watch,

But that is not the kind
of hunting I grew up with.

Because if they had filmed us,
it would've been more like...

"All right, uh...

"We're out here hunting

"on somebody's property...

"and right now
we can see this deer,

"or either, like,
a real little cow.

"So I'm gonna see if I can
ease my window down

"real quiet-like...

"get the gun,
and see if I can't get it out.

"Wait a minute. Danny...

hold my beer."

"All right, I'm having a hard
time getting steady on him.

"Danny, you and Charlene
knock it off back there, man!

"All right, there he is.
I got him.

( makes gunshot sound )

( makes explosion sound )

"Oh, man.

"That wasn't a deer.

"That was a propane tank!

"Oh, and that lady is mad!

That's Mama!
That's our propane tank."

Now, of course,
my wife's favorite TV show

Is the Queer Eye
for the Straight Guy.

My wife loves that show.

( women cheering )

A lot of women like that one.
I'd say...

Guys, you know what
I'm talking about?

If you haven't seen it,
it's a show where women

Will dump their boyfriend off
for the weekend

With five gay guys,
and then they take him,

And they buy him new clothes,
get his hair cut,

And clean up his apartment.
And I told my wife,

I said,
"This only works one way.

"Men would not be allowed
to dump our girlfriends

"off for the weekend
with five hookers

And say, 'Just slut her up.
Just a little bit, you know.'"

( cheering, applause )

But I told my wife, I said,

"What I would like to see
them do is flip-flop that show

"and put it
on the Outdoor Channel

"and let, like, five rednecks
take the gay guy deer hunting

For the weekend, you know."

"Hey, friends, we're down here
at the hunting camp

"with our new buddy, Eric,
and last night,

"Eric was kind enough
to make dinner for us.

"Now, what was that you made,
Eric?

"A lavash and goat cheese salad.

"Well, to be honest with you,
we couldn't eat it,

"but we opened a can
of Hormel Chili,

"dumped that on top of it,
and it's pretty darn tasty.

"You put that Hormel
on top of your head,

"your tongue will beat
your brains out

"trying to get to that stuff.

"Well, after dinner, we went out
by the firepit,

"where Buddy Wayne pulled out
his guitar

"and played some country songs,

"and then Eric jumped up
on the picnic table

"and sang 'It's Raining Men'
and a medley of Cher hits.

"Then we came back in the cabin,
where Eric slept on the couch

"and the five of us locked
ourselves in the bunk room

And pushed the chest of drawers
up against the door."

And I know somebody's
gonna hear this and go,

"Oh, Foxworthy's homophobic."
Trust me, I am not homophobic.

And I had a friend point out
a real interesting thing to me.

He said, "Jeff,
you ever thought about it?

"There's a lot of similarities

Between gay guys
and married guys."

I said, "You think so?"
He said, "Well, think about it."

He said, "If you're a man
and you're sleeping in a bed

"that has a dust ruffle on it
and seven pillows,

"you're either gay...

"or married.

( cheering, applause )

"If you're a man and you've ever
been antique shopping

"during a big football game...

"you're either gay...

"or married.

"If you're a man
and you cannot remember

"the last time you had sex
with a woman...

"you're either gay...

Or married."

( cheering, applause )

And getting back
to my original premise

About knowing that you're part
of a group,

I was reading this thing.

And it was talking about people

Being part of
the Oreo generation.

And what it was saying
was people that waited

Until their mid-30s
to have kids,

Like my wife and I...

See, my parents got married
when they were, like, 20.

I was born nine months
to the day

After my parents were married.

Nine months to the day.
That must have been a ceremony.

"I do.

Could you turn around just one
minute there, Reverend, I...?"

But it was saying, people
that waited till their mid-30s,

It said you're kind of an Oreo

Because you're raising
your children,

And you're also raising
your parents,

Who in their elderly age

Are kind of reverting back
to childhood.

And I told my wife, I said,
"You know what this means?

"It means we've got two
that are out of diapers

And two that are
going into them."

And as bad as it was
with the little ones,

I can't imagine it's gonna be
any more fun with the big ones.

I just don't wanna be
sitting there, watching football

With my father-in-law, going:

( laughter )

"Ed.

Don't you lie to me, Ed."

But there are similarities

Between the kids
and the seniors.

I mean, they both have their own
special menu at restaurants,

You've gotta worry about
both of them with drugs,

Because it's not just
the teenagers.

Seniors get ahold
of some good stuff.

The last time
we were at my in-laws,

I made the comment

That my sinuses were
kind of stopped up,

And my mother-in-law said,

"Do you wanna stop the sniffles
or not feel your head?"

She opens up her purse and
pulls out this little baggie,

It looks like
it's full of Skittles...

and grabs this tiny green pill,

And she said,

( Cuban accent ):
"Say hello to my little friend."

( cheering, applause )

I took that pill,
I woke up two days later

Laying in the back yard,
talking to Elvis.

She's at the door going,
"Get up, you baby!

I take four of those
and go to the grocery store!"

You know, and the kids
don't listen to you,

And the seniors can't hear you.

My mother-in-law
has a hearing aid

That she only wears
about half the time.

And you could always tell
when she's not wearing it,

Because she talks louder than
any human being on the planet.

Four or five months ago,

We're in line at
the movie theater, one night,

And they're with us.
And she says to me...

( loudly ):
"Don't look now,

But the man behind us
is cross-eyed as a bat!"

And one,
you're embarrassed to death.

And two, when somebody says
something like that,

You gotta look!

I turn around
and this guy is glaring at me.

Well, he may not have been
glaring at me,

But he was glaring at somebody.

This guy was mad.

You know,
and the kids wear their pants

Falling off their butts,

And the seniors wear them
up to their armpits.

My father-in-law
got his chest hair

Caught in his zipper.

And I look at all this,
and what makes me scared

Is I know I'm next in line.

And let me tell you,
I can tell I'm getting older.

A lot of ways I can tell.

One, about a year ago,
somebody broke into my truck.

And I keep a case in there
with, like, 24 CDs in it.

They stole three of them.

"Well, thank God
the Anne Murray's still here.

Where's the Best of Bread?
Where's the Best of Bread?"

Two, I have finally broke down
and got a recliner.

I used to always make fun of
my dad and his recliner.

I have a recliner now.

And I love it!

I used to travel the world
at a moment's notice.

I get in that recliner,

I'm not getting
out of that thing.

I just wait on people
to walk through the house.

"Hey!

"Do me a favor
and make me a sandwich!

"I think I smell smoke.
Is the house on fire?

"Hey, if you see flames,
there's an extinguisher

Under the sink
in the kitchen there."

But the worst one:
A couple of weeks ago,

My wife and a few of her friends
were making jokes and giggling

About this product
called Astroglide.

It's this... ( crowd groans )

It's apparently...

( scattered cheering )

It is this lubricant, uh,

That they sell in the drugstore

Right next to the condominiums,
and, uh...

But it's supposed to be
really good stuff.

I mean, apparently you're able
to put it on a Cadillac

And get it in a doghouse.

But as they're talking about it,

I swear to you,
my first thought was,

"I bet I can put that on the
poles the bird feeders are on

And keep the squirrels
off of them."

( applause )

The squirrels
are driving me crazy.

If you come by my house
at 5:00 in the morning,

You will see me
on the back porch,

In my underwear,
with night-vision goggles,

Holding a BB gun,
waiting on the squirrels.

Just embarrasses my kids
to death.

Which is the way I believe
life is supposed to work.

The parents are supposed
to embarrass the kids,

And the kids are supposed
to embarrass the parents.

( cheering, applause )

I embarrassed my kids so bad
in the last school year.

I have two daughters.
I live next door to my brother,

Who has three daughters,

So almost every day,
I drive them to school.

And last year, while I was
driving them to school,

We ran out of gas
in the carpool lane

Because my wife does not realize
it's actually legal

For women to purchase gasoline,
so...

( laughter )

But we run out of gas
and people are honking the horn

And having to back up
and go around us,

And the kids are just mortified,

So the next morning
when I took them,

I made sure the tank
was just as full

As it could possibly be,

And I pull up
to the front of the school

And they have, like,
these assistant teachers

That help open the door, and
I'm not even trying to be funny,

But as we pull up,
I roll down the passenger window

And yell out,
"I've got gas this morning!"

And the kids are like,
"Oh, God, just go home.

Just go home."

But see, then, they turn around

And embarrass me,
because they're... They're...

They're reaching this age

Where I think they have
a natural curiosity

That's starting to develop.

And bless their hearts,

You know, they have no brothers
or boy cousins

To check out anything on.

But I can tell that they're
at this age because...

Y'all, when I get in the shower,

There is nobody else
in that bathroom.

Now, when I get out
of the shower,

There are five little girls
just loitering.

So finally, I confronted them,
I said,

"Why are all of you
in this bathroom?"

And my youngest one,
who's really funny,

She said,
"We're trying to see a hoo-hoo."

I said,
"Well, I'm gonna tell you

"all you need to know
about hoo-hoos.

Hoo-hoos are extremely
poisonous."

( cheering )

And without missing a beat,
she said,

"They are not,
or the dog would be dead."

I hate a smart kid, I swear.

But the cool thing
that's happened to me

From living with all these women
is through the years,

I've learned a ton of things
about women.

And one of the things
that I've recently realized

Is that men and women
both appreciate smells.

But we do not appreciate
the same kinds of smells.

Women apparently
appreciate pleasant smells.

Like flowers. You give a woman
a bouquet of flowers,

They're like:
( sniffs deeply )

"Oh, that smells like heaven."

You give a man a bouquet
of flowers,

We're like:
( sniffs )

"Smells like 50 bucks."

But women love flowers
and perfume and potpourri

And those scented candles.
WOMAN: Whoo! Yeah!

You know, you just never see men
in a Wicks'n'Sticks.

"Hey, Jack!

Bayberry."

But women spend
billions of dollars

On things that smell good,

Trying to cover up
things that smell bad.

And men spend
billions of dollars on things

That just smell bad.

You give me and my buddies
a bottle of doe-in-heat urine,

We could entertain ourselves
for the weekend.

( sniffs deeply )

( wheezes ):
"Your turn."

I used to have a little
spray bottle for mine,

But my wife took it away from me

Because at last year's
family Christmas party,

Somebody sprayed some
on her brother's pants leg.

And then our dog
fell in love with him,

And my wife said it was mean.

But everybody
that's seen the video

Just says it's funny, so...

I'm going with funny.

But men have an appreciation
for unpleasant smells.

Like, you ever seen a guy
cleaning out a closet,

And he'll find a gym bag
that he's forgotten about

For five or six months,

You know, with sweaty
workout clothes in it.

And he'll open it up
and like, zzzzzip,

( sniffs )
"Oh, man!

( retching, coughing )

"Oh, that is the stinkiest thing
I've ever smelled in my life!

Charlie, come here
and smell this!"

( cheering, applause )

And Charlie,
having heard all of that,

Will get off the couch,
walk across the room,

And not only smell it,
I'm talking about:

( sniffs )

"Awwwwwww, man!

"That'd knock a buzzard
off a gut wagon!

Ralph, come here
and smell this!"

And my wife watches this,
and she said,

"That is just barbaric."

And I said, "No, it's not.

You just don't understand
what's taking place."

I said, "Men number two
and three,

"out of the goodness
of their heart,

"are giving man number one
a courtesy sniff.

"And from now on,

"man number one owes
men number two and three

"a courtesy sniff in return.

"And men number two and three
are banking on,

"somewhere down the road,

"they'll come up with
something stinkier

Than what man number one
has right now."

( applause )

You ever seen a car sitting
at a red light,

And there's, like,
five guys in it,

And all of a sudden,
all four windows go down

And there's four guys hanging
out of the car

Just cussing like crazy?

And there's one guy sitting
in the middle in the back,

Just laughing.

You know why he's laughing?

He's cashed in
his courtesy sniff.

And the only thing
that could make him happier

Was had he been driving and
had control of the window locks.

You guys have been awesome.
Thanks for listening to me.

( cheering, applause )

Thanks, y'all.

Thank you very much.

Thanks, y'all.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

( laughs )

Thanks, y'all.

All right, y'all, we have
reached the portion of the show

Where we're gonna make you

Feel better
about your own family.

Please welcome
Larry the Cable Guy.

( festive country theme
playing )

All right, get her done!

All right, thank you, thank you!

Thank you. You like that
little dance right there?

CROWD:
Yeah!

Yeah, had to get my underwear
out of my crack.

Well, good Lord,
good to see you.

I'm happier than Rosie O'Donnell

At a buffet
of Little Debbie Oatmeal Cremes.

I tell you what, boy.

Get her done.

That's right.

I'm gonna tell you right off,

I'm walking a little limpy
tonight.

I had a vasectomy done
at Sears last week, so...

Now every time I get excited,
the garage door goes up,

( laughs ):
so that ain't good.

Almost broke it off the hinges

Watching Britney Spears
last week.

Up, down, up, down, up, down.
Good Lord.

Did you know
Britney Spears hurt her leg

And had to cancel some dates?

But they said
with the proper rehabilitation,

She should be back on her knees
in no time, so that's...

( chuckles )

Get her done. All right.

That's funny.

( laughs )

I don't care who you are,

That's funny right there, right?

I'm gonna tell you this story.

I was driving down the road
the other day

And I get pulled over,
and the policeman said,

"You been drinking?"

I'm like, "No, why? Is there
a fat girl in my back seat?"

Yeah...

Good Lord.

"By God, there's two of them.
I guess I was drinking."

Good Lord.

Don't you hate it when
you get so dadgum drunk,

You look in your pocket
the next day

And there's some girl's number
in there with a name,

And you don't know
nothing about it?

So you call her up
and you get this,

( gruffly ):
"Hello?"

"Yeah, is Debbie there?"

"This is Debbie."

"I ain't drinking no more.
That's ridiculous right there.

I ain't drinking."

What I'm gonna tell you is,
I was driving down

To see a buddy of mine in Tulsa,
Oklahoma, not long ago.

That's right. You know what
"Tulsa" spelled backward is?

"A slut."

( chuckles )

You know what
"a slut" backward is?

A hundred dollars.

( laughs )

Get her done. That's funny.

All right.

But I'm gonna tell you.

I was driving down there and
I had one of them rented cars

That had
a voice-activated radio.

Like, you wanna hear country
music, say, "Country."

Country come on.
You wanna hear rock 'n' roll,

Rock 'n' roll come on.
I wanted to hear country music,

I was about to say, "Country,"
and some car cut me off,

And I said,
"You stupid moron!"

And Dr. Laura
come on the radio on there,

And I couldn't...

That ain't right.
Don't laugh at that.

Lord, I apologize
for that there,

And be with the Pygmies. Amen.

Well, I was going down there
to see my buddy down there,

And I stopped at the Hooters
when I was down...

Have you seen the shorts
on them girls at the Hooters?

Good Lord. Tell you what,
if they get any shorter,

The FDA is gonna start
making them wear hair nets.

I'll tell you that much,
because that's ridiculous.

Good Lord.

I need to go to church
or something.

If you don't think that's funny,

You can get the hell
out of here,

Because that's a funny joke
right there.

That's a funny joke. That's
funnier than watching midgets

Run track, right there.
I tell you, that's...

That's a funny joke with...

So I get down to see my buddy,
and I was at his house

And he was fighting
with his nephew.

I guess his nephew
got in some trouble.

He's in tenth grade
and he had sex with his teacher.

And I was like, "Hey,
that's pretty cool, you know."

But the bad part is,
he's homeschooled.

You know, so... that ain't good.
That ain't good at all.

I know that ain't good.

That ain't right.

Lord, I apologize
for that there,

And be with the Pygmies
in New Guinea. Amen.

But my buddy lives in a real bad
neighborhood down there,

And we was watching TV, and he
said, "You wanna watch Cops?"

I said yes, we went out and
sat on the front porch, and...

And it was a repeat.
Figure that out.

But we was down there
a couple days,

Went to a strip club down there.

And this girl...
MAN: Yeah!

Yeah, this girl
got mad at me, and...

And I tipped her
with Monopoly money.

And she goes,
"That's fake money."

I'm like,
"Those are fake titties."

( laughs )

You know what I mean?

You need to thank
the little critters, you know?

That's ridiculous.

( chuckles )

I got to...

I got kind of worried
when I was down there

Because the whole time
I was down there,

I was talking on the cell phone,

One of them
cellurized telephones.

And...

But I got kind of scared

Because I was reading
in the paper the other day,

Because my neighbor got up late,

And, uh...

( thumping )

It, uh...

It said if you talk a lot
on them cell phones,

It could put microwaves
into your body.

And I think that's true

Because I was talking on it
the whole weekend,

Went home
and pooped a Hot Pocket.

So...

There's something to that.

That's...

Is this the dumbest part
of the show right here?

It's gotta be close to it.

But I got upset
when the cell phone people

Started sponsoring the NASCAR

Because I'm a traditional...
I like Winston.

That's what I like, right there.

And, uh...
( cheering, applause )

You know, it pissed off
a lot of my relatives.

My grandpa, when he found out
it wasn't Winston, he was like,

( muffled ):
"You mean to tell me
they ain't gonna use

A Winston car no more
on Saturdays?"

I mean, it was something.

Lord, I apologize
for that there,

And be with the Pygmies.

Amen.

No, but, I told you
last time we got together,

I always thought
Stayfree mini pads

Ought to do NASCAR sponsorship.

I just thought the announcing
would be pretty cool.

"It's a beautiful Summer's Eve
here at the track.

"The K-Y Jelly car
has just accelerated

And easily slipped
into the number two hole."

Get her done.

( chuckling )

( cheering, applause )

Oh, Lord.

"The Vagisil car
has been itching

"and burning rubber
all season out there.

And is number one
in the Busch standings."

( guffaws )

That'll do it.

All right. That's right.

I like cars and driving fast
and all that.

When I get places,
I usually drive,

So I don't fly the airplanes.
I'm scared of them.

And whatever happened to
good-looking flight attendants?

Good Lord, I had
the Oak Ridge Boys with titties,

On this one airplane I was on.

They were ugly, I tell you.

And I looked right
at that one girl,

My wiener went in and out
my butt crack.

I mean, that's how ugly she...

That's a true story right there.
I ain't making that up.

I seen her, my wiener come out,

Went like that,
turned around. Pfffft!

Shot right out
my dadgum hind end there.

And that's documented,
right there.

You know you're ugly

When you're making fellas
poop their own wiener.

You know what I mean, that's...

That's Glamour Shots
right there or something.

WOMAN:
Owwww!

I flowed on a airplane one time

Because I had to go see
my grandma.

She was having some trouble
and they thought...

She thought
she was getting lip cancer

From secondhand chew, and...

And...

So we had to go
take care of that.

And I tried to make her
feel better.

Her air conditioner went out
in her trailer,

So she wanted some fans up.

So I put seven ceiling fans
up in her singlewide.

( chuckling ):
And I think that was too many.

She turned them all on
Wednesday,

And her roof took off.

So that wasn't...
That wasn't a good thing.

But the one thing my grandma
does do that irritates me,

She gets the walking farts,
you know.

Every step she takes,
something come out, you know.

Pbt, pbt, pbt, pbt, pbt, pbt.

But the... It's horrible.

But the worst part is,

She gets the walking farts
at the flea market.

And that's bad because
when she's at the flea market,

She wears them spandex drawers.

So now it can't escape nowhere,
you know what I mean?

And she let out a walking fart
in them spandex drawers,

Looks like a mouse running down
the inside of her pant leg

Right there like that.

Good Lord. Yeah.

And then... And then
it starts to form a big ball

In the back of her britches
because it can't escape.

It looks like she stole
a cabbage or something.

And the fellow running
the cabbage stand in there

Thought she was stealing
cabbages.

So he goes,
"You're stealing cabbages."

He went to rip her britches
down.

I'm hauling ass about
this time, you know,

Because I know
Hiroshima fitting to hit

Up there at the flea market.

When he ripped them down,
good Lord,

That sounded like a big rig
letting out the brake pressure.

He ripped them down and

Pfffffffff.

"What the hell?"

Critters running around...

Critters running around
with no fur on them,

And people melded to the walls

And Grandpa's pissed. He's like,

( muffled ):
"You wanna get out
of the flea market

Before you kill everybody?
This is ridiculous."

I tell you what, I got a strange
dadgum family, that's for sure.

My aunt, she's a big old woman.

And...
She's good-looking, though.

She's 370 pounds, but...

But she's good-looking.

She's a runway model...
out at the airport. And, uh...

And... Yeah, she is.

But she... What she is,
is a hypochondriac.

She always thinks there's
something wrong with her.

Cancer, tumor, whatever.

But we was sitting on the couch,

Having a nice time,
watching the TV.

And she'd do this about
every five seconds, she'd go:

It's irritating me.

And I'm like, "What in the world
are you doing?"

She goes, "I think I got a tumor
in my butt crack."

"You don't get tumors
in your butt crack.

You're a hypochondriac,
for God's sake."

She goes, "No, there's a little
lump up in there somewhere.

"You see, look up in there.

See if you see
a little lump up in..."

"I'm not looking up
in your butt crack

"for a tumor on a Sunday.

Go to the doctor."

She went to the doctor,
you know what it was?

A Milk Dud.

Do you believe that?

She sat on it,
watching Walker, Texas Ranger.

My family's something else.

I got... My little brother was
over at the house the other day.

I ain't never told you
about him. He was born deaf.

His whole life, he's been deaf.

But he's real good
with the sign language.

And...

But he's got Tourette's too,

So he's kind of like that,
you know.

Yeah, it's not good.

It's not good.

But my mama talks to him

All the time
with the sign language,

And I tried to learn
how to do it,

But I can't get a finger in
edgewise,

You know, it ain't...
( mumbles )

But he's pretty talented.
He's a songwriter.

And he got a song out now
you might wanna hear.

It's called:
( grunts inarticulately )

And, Lord, I apologize
for that there,

And be with the starving Pygmies
in New Guinea. Amen.

( chuckles )

( laughs ):
Get her done.

Nah.

MAN: Larry!
MAN 2: Yeah!

I got another sister had a baby,

And she was in labor
for 38 hours,

Which is ridiculous.

I give up on a poop
after 20 minutes.

And, you know...

She had that...
But she's a good sister.

She come to see my program

Two days after she had that kid,
by God.

And I made her laugh so hard,
milk shot out of her nipples.

I tell you what, she...
She's a good girl.

I love her to death.

My brother just celebrated
his second...

MAN: Yeah!
Get her done.

My, uh...

( laughter, applause )

That's right.

My, uh...

My...

Appreciate it.
I'll see you at the house.

My brother just celebrated
his second wedding anniversary,

And they was gonna celebrate.
He wanted to have sex,

And she wanted to go to Outback,

And my grandma wanted
to go to church

And have them rededicate
the wedding vows, so...

They all compromised and they
had sex out back of the church.

So...

But now...

( chuckles )

I was... I was gonna
get married one time.

I... You know, it... It's hard
finding the right person.

I was living with a girl
for about eight months

Until she found out I was there.

And that didn't work too good.

No, it didn't.

But there was another girl
that I was in love with.

And we was gonna get married,

But she wasn't gonna
take my name.

So I broke that relationship off
because I'm a traditionalist.

I think they ought to take
the name.

Plus, I thought
it would be cool,

Both of us named Larry.

You know, I thought that
would be nice, you know.

But it didn't work out too good.

But she always irritated me.
I don't know why women do this.

And she did this all the time.

She used to stack stuff
in the medicine cabinet.

And then you open it up,
and stuff would fly out at you.

You know, we had them
cotton balls in there,

Serves as like a spring-action
device or something.

Well, she was walking
around the house one day.

She's mad at me, yelling at me.

I don't know if she had
cramps or something.

And, uh...

But I opened the door up
to the medicine cabinet,

And the dadgum tampon
flowed out,

Hit me in the eyeball,

Landed in the toilet,

And the minute it hit
that water in the toilet,

Went "Ffff!"

I'm like, "Good Lord,

"that's where the cramps
are coming from, right there!

( cheering, applause )

"Look at that.

"You see the size
of that thing right there?

"You need to buy a smaller size.

"No wonder I can't satisfy you.
Look at that thing in there.

"That thing's huge.

"That thing is huge in there.

"It's unbelievable.

The size of that thing
right there."

But we was at the dadgum store
the other day, and...

And they had
these little shorty shorts.

And I can't wear
little shorty shorts.

I ain't in very good shape.
You know what I mean?

I used to be a lifeguard
till some blue kid got me fired.

( cheering, applause )

Get her done.

Yeah.

But I'll tell you where
they some out-of-shape folks,

That's the church I go to.

Good Lord, you ought to
see these people.

Old Lady Peacock is 326 pounds.

She got up to sing in
the choir at the church...

( chuckles )

she sang "Love Lifted Me."

( laughs )

A crane couldn't lift
Old Lady Peacock.

"Love Lifted Me."
My brother nudges me, he goes,

"Love ain't gonna do it
without a winch.

I'll tell you that much right
there. That ain't working."

She... She's mad at my da...
At my dad right now

Because she'd come over
for visitation or something,

And she walked in, she goes,

"I'm gonna get
my stomach stapled."

He goes, "To what?
The Country Buffet down there?"

Good Lord.

I tell you what church
you stay in shape in,

That's the Catholic Church.

Good L... You been in there?

You gotta be in shape
to go through that service.

I never been in there before,

And I walk in
with a buddy of mine,

He's going down there,
and I was following

The people in front of me,
and I got bad knees.

I walk in there. Minute I get
in there, they kneel down.

So I kneel down like this,
and get down.

The minute I get down,
we back up again, like this.

Back down again we go,
like this.

I'm like, "You son of..."
Here we go. Right back up again.

Good Lord.
We was down, up, sit down.

We did two shots.

I mean, it was something else.

It was ridiculous.

It was ridiculous.

It was ridiculous.

But you do get in shape
in there,

And that's the good thing.

I was at the Victoria's Secret
the other day.

And I was peeking on them
little shorty short britches.

They have them britches
in there for fellas,

They're way...
A little too tight for me.

You ever put them on?
You put them on,

It looks like your tonsils

Are hanging out of
your dadgum shorts.

I mean, it's ridiculous.

My girlfriend was like,
"Go in there

And try them little
shorty shorts on."

I'm like,
"That ain't happening."

( laughs )

So I go in there
and try them on.

And, good Lord,

They split my boys
in two places,

They were so tight.

I had a boy come
out the left side,

And a boy come
out the right side.

I even had a boy
I didn't know about

Come out of them shorts.

And then she's like,
"Come on out.

Let's take a peek at you."

I'm like,
"I'm staying right here!"

So I go walking out.

People were looking at me like,
"What in the world?

"You look like your tonsils

Are coming out
of your dadgum shorts."

I think the women got it
real bad, though.

Y'all's shorts is really tiny.

I mean, you need to be
groomed up in them places,

You know what I mean?

Bikini-waxed or something,
because...

Which is sexy.
We fellas like that.

You don't want your girlfriend
coming at you naked,

Look like a ZZ Top concert
just got out or something.

You don't want that.

You don't want something
like that.

No.

But women want fellas
to do that,

And that's what irritates me.

My girlfriend wanted me
to groom up the private areas.

And that's stupid.

Fellas ain't
supposed to do that.

You know what I mean?

And she got that idea from
them girl magazines y'all read.

I don't know what it is.
She was reading the, uh...

Hog Hunter. She was reading
the Hog Hunter magazine there.

And she goes, "Why don't
you shave your private area.

It'll look sexy."

I'm like, "I ain't doing
none of that kind of garbage.

I ain't one of them."
And, uh...

So I'm in there shaving
my private area in there, and...

( cheering, applause )

Yeah, that was...

( laughs )

That was real sexy.

I come out of the bathroom
with little red bumps

And toilet paper squares
all over the area down here.

Good Lord.

That was nice.
I was standing there naked,

It looked like a grub worm
with a turtleneck on.

That's what I looked like.

Good Lord. If I was a girl,
I'd never shave,

I'll tell you that much.

I'd be at the beach,

Look like I was smuggling
Chewbacca in my undershorts.

That's what I'd do.

Get her done!
Thanks a lot, y'all!

( applause, cheering )

Yes, thank you so much.

Get her done.

Get her doooone!

( inaudible )

Grab the hot sauce
and get her done.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much. All right.

All right.

( laughs )

MEN ( chanting ):
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

All right, I'm gonna tell you.

This is my favorite part
of the show right here.

Let's bring the boys back out!
Come on!

Bill Engvall, Jeff Foxworthy
and Ron White!

Larry the Cable Guy!

LARRY:
Thank you.

( comics speaking indistinctly )

Too bad we couldn't get
a good crowd in Denver, huh?

Yeah, I know. It's too bad.

I gotta tell you, this has, uh...

This has been a very
special night for us, and...

( cheering )

You guys have been awesome.

( applause, cheering )

And I think I can say
for all of these guys,

We feel very blessed

To have been able to do this
for 20 years and be friends

And especially to get
to do this together, so...

Yeah, amen on that.

It's been... It's been
the best job I've ever had.

JEFF:
Me too.

The...

And I got to thinking
about that.

We've been blessed
being able to...

With having great fans
and be able to tell jokes

And make a living.

And thank God.

RON:
Yeah, right.

Because we ain't trained
to do nothing else.

JEFF: No.

And with that thought in mind,

I was saving this
for the last show.

If you weren't doing this,

What job do you think
you'd be doing?

MAN:
Janitor!

I hate it when my mother
comes to the show. I hate it.

I don't... I don't... I don't...
I don't know what I...

I'll tell you a job I think
I might be qualified to do.

I was doing a show
four or five months ago

In Huntington, West Virginia.
And as I was flying in,

We had to divert because
the plane in front of us

Skidded on the runway

Because he forgot
to put his wheels down.

I mean, it seems to me

That ought to be
on the checklist somewhere.

But they diverted us to this
airport in Ashland, Kentucky.

It's the tiniest airport
I've ever been to.

And then the guy
that was supposed to pick me up

Couldn't find
the Ashland airport,

Because if you get behind
that bush, you can't see it.

You can't see it.

So I sat there for,
like, two hours

With the two guys that worked
there part-time, and...

You think I'm making
that up? I'm not.

When they're not
cutting grass, you know,

They do their thing
in the airport, so...

And I asked them, I said,
"What is the most exciting thing

That's ever happened here?"
And one of the guys said,

"Well, uh, last year,

A goose flew into
the windshield of a Cessna."

And I said, "Really?"
I said, "Did it break it?"

And he said, "No."

He said,
"Them windshields are tough."

He said, "You know
how they test them?"

And then I said, "No."
He said,

"They shoot chickens
out of a cannon at them."

And I was thinking, I remember
career day in high school.

I remember plumbers,
I remember lawyers.

I do not remember a booth
where you could sign up

To shoot chickens
out of a cannon

At the windshield
of an airplane.

Because there would've been
a line at my school to do that.

( cheering, applause )

So maybe that.

I... If this hadn't worked out,
I gotta... It's a scary thought.

But I think
I would be still doing

What I was doing my last job.

And I was a tour guide
for an underground cave.

MAN:
Yeah!

Did you have a uniform?

Oh, no. It...
We had the jumpsuit

With the little nametag
on it, said "Bill."

And it was not a great job.

But it's probably where
my comedy started.

Because you put people
underground, they freak.

And we used to have to walk
backwards through the cave

So we could keep an eye
on the tour,

And I got fired from that job.

Because I used to like to go
around the corner

And come back screaming,
"Bats! Bats! Bats!"

( laughter, applause )

People don't appreciate that.

Plus, having to walk out with
wet pants the whole way, it's...

What about you?
What do you got?

I used to shoot chickens
out of cannons at airplanes.

( cheering, applause )

No, I'm gonna tell you.

I did have a job.

One time, I used to work
at the flea market.

And I liked working up there.
But I was always a nice fella.

I used to sell stuff,

But I didn't wanna
overcharge people.

And I always sold myself
short, is what I did.

Like, people come up
and they go,

"How much you want
for that?"

And I'm like,
"20 bucks."

And they'd be like,
"Give me five of them."

I'm like, "Dadgum.
I could've got more for them."

Muh.
You know?

And I still do that to this day.
I can't figure out...

Like, I was at the restaurant
the other day eating,

And the waitress come by.

And she says,
"You need anything else?"

And I was just kidding around,

And I go, "Yeah,
how about a neck rub?"

She started giving me
a neck rub.

And I was like:

( cheering, applause )
MAN: Whooo!

I could've had more.

( Larry chuckles )

All right.

This one I wanna hear.

I cannot imagine
you having a real job.

You know what...

The last job that I had

Was at a pickle factory.

I promise.
And I got fired for, uh...

Putting my finger
in the pickle slicer.

Y-you got fired for putting
your finger in a pickle slicer?

She got fired too.
Both of us got fired.

( cheering, applause )

Lord, I apologize.

You better.

Your sister never worked
in a pickle factory, did she?

( laughing ):
I don't think so.

We did this tour
for a little over three years

And did hundreds of shows.

And never once,

In those hundreds of shows,

Did any of y'all ever see him
bring a guitar on stage.

No, this is a new thing.

What's...?

( cheering, applause )

Let me tell you.

Well, let me tell you.

I started tinkering around
with the guitar...

I started doing it in Las Vegas

At the "Mee-rage" Hotel
one time.

I was opening up
for this new act out there

Called Siegfried and
the Righteous Brother.

And, uh... But I knew
that we was working on that song

That we wanted to do.
Oh, the...

This thing that we're working...
So I thought I'd...

You didn't know it,
but I figured we'd play some...

We're gonna do that?
Why not?

I've been practicing too.

JEFF:
It'll be fine. Let's do it.

RON: All right, all right.
This is a song...

This is a song we writ
called "I Believe."

Yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa.
"Writ"?
"Writ"?

Writ.

I didn't writ any of it.
LARRY: No?

You wrote...
You wrote two-thirds of it.

Or a quarter of it.
Whatever.

Yeah, don't try to do math.

If Larry's gonna start
doing fractions,

You may wanna go to
the concession stand

Or the restroom,

So...

All right, but this is a song...

WOMAN:
I love you, Larry!

I told you to wait in the truck.

I love you.

That ain't right.
All right. All right.

That wasn't right.

All right,

The name of this is...
LARRY: "I Believe"

All right. All right.
Here we go.

"I Believe."

The name of this is
"I Believe," okay?

"I Believe."
"I Believe."

This song is called
"I Believe."

Yeah, they got that.

I already said that.

Out of everything,
this is what we believe.

For the Spanish people,
it's "Yo Believo."

"Yo Believo"?

Oh, "El Believo."
Whatever.

"Yo, el," whatever.

But it go like this here.

( playing pleasant, tranquil
melody )

( plays sharp chord )

I believe...

( resumes playing
tranquil melody )

That Britney Spears

Should be one of
Baskin-Robbins' 31 flavors

Two scoops.

Yeah.

Heh-heh. Two scoops.

( resumes playing
tranquil melody )

( plays sour chord )

I believe

That anyone who wants
To wear a thong

Should have to go through
An application process

( cheering, applause )

( resumes playing
tranquil melody )

( plays graceful chord )

I believe

That ignorance of the law

Is no excuse

And I'm quoting

A New York City judge
On this one

( resumes playing
tranquil melody )

( plays riff poorly )

How old are you?

Old enough to learn
how to play this.

Wait, well, when's
your birthday?

Uh, February 17th.

No, what year is your birthday?

Every year.

February 17th.

You asked.
It's every year.

( Larry resumes playing
tranquil melody )

( plays high, wobbly note )

I believe you show me
A 3-year-old

Running around a flea market
In his underpants

Drinking Coca-Cola
Out of a baby bottle

And I'll show you
A future NASCAR fan

( Larry resumes playing
tranquil melody )

( plays pleasant chord )

I believe

That sometimes
You gotta wreck the truck

To get the insurance money
To make the truck payment

( Larry resumes playing
tranquil melody )

( stops playing )

That is brilliant, right there.

I've done that.

( playing tranquil melody
quickly )

( plays riff roughly )

I believe I'll have a Scotch

( cheering )

Oh, wait. I've already got one.
Go ahead. Never mind.

( resumes playing
tranquil melody )

( plays pretty chord )

I believe

That the way to a man's heart
Is not through his stomach

It's a little further south

( Larry resumes playing
tranquil melody )

( plays festive riff )

I believe the only thing worse
Than having diarrhea

Is trying to have it quietly
In a public restroom

LARRY:
I believe that.

That's right.
When I get that,

I always go
into the crippled stool.

"The crippled stool"?

Yeah, because if you get that...

Yeah, the crippled stool,
they always keep clean.

So you know it ain't dirty.

And you got
a lot of room in there

For stretching your legs out.

And you got rails
for power-squeezing.

That's another big deal.

All right.

He's thought this out.

I know.

I believe the crippled stool

Is the Cadillac
Of the pooping stool

( Larry resumes playing
tranquil melody )

( plays high, simple riff )

It's your turn.

I believe

Guns don't kill people

Husbands that come home early Do

( cheering, applause )

( resumes playing
tranquil melody )

( plays sharp chord )

I believe if you can't
Say something

Nice about somebody

You must be talking
About Hillary Clinton

( resumes playing
tranquil melody )

( plays short chord )

( chuckles )

I believe the phrase
"Time in a bottle"

Refers to the amount of beer
You can drink before last call

( resumes playing
tranquil melody )

( plays short chord )

I believe if you let somebody
Cut in front of you in traffic

And they don't give you
The little wave

It should be perfectly legal
To get up underneath them

Get them loose
And put them into the wall

( mouths )

( Larry resumes playing
tranquil melody )

( plays sharp chord )

( laughing ): I believe

If life gives you lemons

You should make lemonade

And try to find someone
Whose life has given them vodka

And have a party

I believe that's all we got.

Good night and God bless y'all.
Thank you.

( cheering, applause )

JEFF:
Good night.
Thank you.

( rollicking country music
playing )

I knew Denver
was the right place to do this!

You guys rock!

You're the best. Thank you,
thank you, thank you.

God bless everybody.
Good night.

It's 5:00 on Friday
And we're all ready to roll ♪

We're meeting my friends at 7
To head out to the show ♪

We're in the parking lot
With a cooler full of beer ♪

The redneck on my trailer hitch
And a gun rack in the rear ♪

We know ♪

We're just blue-collar boys
Having fun ♪

We get up early, stay out late
And we always get her done ♪

There's a lot of things
That we believe ♪

And it's easy to see
Why we all agree ♪

Glad to be back
With all our friends ♪

And the blue-collar boys
Ride again ♪

( indistinct chatter )

JEFF: Thank you so much.

That's my sister-in-law!

How are you?
How you doing?

( indistinct chatter continues )

First T-shirt he's ever sold.

Ever.
He's very excited.

I have never been
so thrilled in my life.

I'm running out of ink.

There you go, darling.
I love you!

Bass boat's missing
'Cause Daddy went fishing ♪

Church is gonna have to wait ♪

Barbecue's burning
Radio's turning ♪

Greatest hits of George Strait ♪

And I know every word ♪

From every song
That Skynyrd done ♪

"Free Bird"
"Sweet Home Alabama" ♪

And "I Ain't the One" ♪

We're just blue-collar boys
Having fun ♪

Get up early, stay out late ♪

I'm a hard-working
Son of a gun ♪

There's a lot of things
That we believe ♪

And it's easy to see
Why we all agree ♪

Glad to be back
With all our friends ♪

And the blue-collar boys
Ride again ♪

JEFF:
Ride that thing, Tater!

LARRY: Get her done!

Hey, man.
Where's your sign at?

BILL:
I got a tattoo
and that's funny,

I don't care who you are.

LARRY:
Hey, Jeff, nice mustache.
You might be a redneck if...

JEFF:
You might be a redneck
if you ride it for 50 cents.

BILL:
Mustache rides for 50 cents!
Come on, right this way.

I want to show you

The most disgusting bed
in the United States.

And this includes
homeless people.

This is horrible.

JEFF ( laughing ):
Look at this.

Is this a landfill or what?

He cleaned it up yesterday.

RON:
It's cleaned up.

LARRY:
I believe
No matter how hard you try

You can't baptize cats.

BILL:
All right, that wasn't too bad.

LARRY:
That was pretty good.

First time we ever sung that
song in public. Thank you.

( Larry strums end notes
on guitar )