Blue Collar Comedy Tour: One for the Road (2006) - full transcript

♪ (AIN'T THAT A KICK
IN THE HEAD PLAYING)

♪ How lucky can one guy be ♪

♪ I kissed her
and she kissed me ♪

♪ Like the fella once said ♪

♪ Ain't that
a kick in the head ♪

♪ Her room
was completely black ♪

♪ I hugged her
and she hugged back ♪

♪ Like the sailor said,
quote ♪

♪ Ain't that
a hole in the boat? ♪

♪ My head keeps spinnin' ♪

♪ I go to sleep
and keep grinnin' ♪



♪ If this is
just the beginnin' ♪

(COUGHING)
♪ My life is gonna be ♪

♪ Beautiful ♪

♪ She's tellin' me
we'll be wed ♪

♪ She's picked out
a king-size bed ♪

♪ I couldn't feel any better ♪

♪ Or I'd be sick ♪

♪ Tell me quick ♪

♪ Oh, ain't love a kick? ♪

♪ Tell me quick ♪

♪ Ain't love a kick
in the head? ♪

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Please put your hands together
for Mr. Bill Engvall!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Thank you very much!



It is great to be here
in the nation's capital!

Wow!

It is so great to be here.
And I would...

'Cause I was afraid I wasn't
gonna be able to make it,

'cause I thought I broke
my ribs, 'cause I'm an idiot.

Well, I bought my son
a trampoline.

(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

You see where this is headed?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Well, you know the rule.

The one that puts it together
gets to try it out first.

He was off at school,

I got this thing
all put together,

I start to climb up on it,
my wife goes, "Hey, hey, hey.

"Why don't you wait for him
to get home from school?"

I said, "Hey, hey, hey.

"Why don't you hush?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"Please."

Yeah. I ain't that
big a idiot, all right?

So I hop up on this trampoline,

I start jumpin' up and down,

it all came back to me.

I said,
"Oh, I remember this."

I started doing seat drops
and knee drops.

Yeah, then I got cocky.

I forgot one very important
thing about a trampoline.

If you don't hit square,
you go up at an angle.

And you don't come down
at that same angle.

You come down at an equal
and opposite angle.

Yeah, I'm 20 feet in the air,

now my high-school
geometry kicks in.

As I curl into
the fetal position

and bang off
the rail onto the ground,

my wife's laughin' so hard,
she nearly peed herself.

I learned two important things
that day about a trampoline.

Number one,

the springs will pull the hair
out of your legs.

(LAUGHS)

And number two,
the dog doesn't like to jump.

It's a wonder I'm alive.

I'm always doin'
idiotic stuff like that.

Anybody ever set
your hair on fire?

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

Me, too!

And not the hair on my head.

All right, shall we not go
to the gutter so quick?

It was the hair on my arms.

Now, I want you to think back
to when you were a kid.

Do you remember
the day you realized

you could burn ants
with a magnifying glass?

Oh, what a great day that was.

You got to be God.

You decided who lived, who died.

I must have burned ants
for an hour, just laughin'.

Then I saw one on my arm.

Let me tell you somethin',

you burn yourself
with a magnifying glass,

you're on your own.

You can't even tell your mom,

'cause they give you that look
like, "Oh, he is that stupid."

Remember chin-up bars
in elementary school?

Yeah. So do I.

Fourth grade, me and my buddy
got this idea,

we would ride our Sting-Ray
bikes through the chin-up bar.

When we got to
the chin-up bar,
we would grab the bar,

let our bike go
and then just swing there.

'Cause we're idiots.

One day we were
on the playground.

It had been rainin'.

We didn't think metal got
slick when it got wet.

Never had cause
to think that thought.

We're straddling our bikes,
trying to look cool,

and I look over at the swings,

I see these two
little fifth-grade girls.

I looked at my buddy, I said,
"Hey, man. Older women.

"I'll go first."

Boy, I spun that
knobby tire in the mud.

I'm flying towards
that chin-up bar.

The banana seat's getting hot

just from
the wind blowin' by it.

I hit that bar, I grabbed it,
let my bike go,

and my full weight
hit my hands on that wet pole.

(IMITATES FALLING SOUND)
I went...

Knocked out cold on the ground.

My friend flips out.

He goes running across
the street to my house

where my mom's in bed
sick with the flu,

runs into her bedroom
and screams, "Bill's dead!"

About the time I came to,

I saw a woman
in a nightgown and panties
run at me, going...

(SCREAMING)

Boy, I wish I had have died.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

That's what my wife
puts up with every day.

Thank God she puts up with me.

I think my wife puts up
with me, though, 'cause I try.

And I think that's all any guy
can do, just try.

That's right.

'Cause we ain't
never gonna get it.

'Cause as soon as we get
close, you ladies change it.

It's like this memo goes out,

"They're getting close,
change it,

"change it,
change it, change it."

But I try. Like when I'm home,
I try to get up

in the morning,
make breakfast for my family.

I make good American breakfast.

Eggs, bacon,
sausage, toast, coffee.

Here's the problem.

No matter what eggs
I start out to make,

they always end up scrambled.

God, I can't work that yolk.

I even bought
that stupid spatula off TV.

You know,
the one with the forks?

Yeah, and the announcer goes,

"Even a moron can
flip an egg now."

Apparently not.

Can't have sausage anymore.

Not 'cause of
any health reasons,

just 'cause I saw a commercial
that scared me to death.

I'm watching TV one night,
this commercial comes on.

This is what the announcer
said, word for word.

"The eggs are
from real chickens.

"The milk is from real cows.

"The sausage is
from Jimmy Dean."

Really?

You'd think somebody
would have caught that.

But I know my wife loves me.

Not too long ago, I had to
get out of bed, got dressed.

She goes, "Where you going?"
I said, "Oh, I got
my yearly physical today."

She goes,
"Oh, I'll go with you."

It's like, "Okay.
How boring is your day?"

I wouldn't go with her
to her physical. God!

Seen it.

(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)

Yeah, it's not like
we're gonna break
any new ground there.

It's not like I'm gonna go,
"Wow, Doc, what is that?"

But she was in the room

when the doctor told me
my cholesterol's gettin' high.

I'm like, "Good goin', Doc."

Hell, it would've been easier

if he just told her
I was cheatin' on her.

Yeah, if he tells her
I'm cheatin' on her,

I just got to take some garbage.

Now I got to eat a bunch of it.

He told me to cut out bacon,
which sucks,

'cause I love pig.

So my wife,
trying to be helpful,

goes to the grocery store
and buys this stuff

called soy bacon.

Yeah.
Let me tell you somethin'.

I know soybeans are good
for a lot of things.

Let's stay out of
the bacon market!

They go, "Looks and tastes
like real bacon."

No, it doesn't!

Tastes like somebody
bacon-flavored a turd,

that's what it tastes like.

She's all worried
about my stress.

She goes,
"You got too much stress."

I go,
"I don't have any stress."

She goes, "Bill, you almost
got kicked off an airplane."

Good point.

Well, here's what happened.

I got on this airline,
it was a early morning flight.

And they board us
and I sit in my seat

and I pull out my Game Boy

and start playin' it,
while they're still boarding.

Yeah, I know.
God forbid I read
a newspaper or Time magazine.

I got to get
Scooter to level nine.

But I'm minding my own business,

playing my Game Boy.

The pilot comes on
and makes this announcement.

He goes, "Ladies and
gentlemen, we're gonna be
a little delayed this morning.

"They didn't put enough gas
in the plane."

Why would you
make that announcement?

Make somethin' up!

Tell me you ate a piece of
bad fish and you got the runs.

Tell me somethin'.

Don't tell me we don't got
enough gas in the plane.

That's like number two
on the checklist for,

"It's okay to take off."

Keys, gas.

'Cause, see,
the way the process works
in my little brain

is the gas truck
pulls up next to the plane,

the pilot sticks
his head out the window,
and goes, "Fill her up."

Yeah. I get
the one pilot in America,

"We're going to Vegas,
give me five bucks.

"We'll be all right."

So I know we're
going to be delayed.

Nothing I can do about it.

So I keep playing my Game Boy.

Flight attendant walks by me,

and, y'all,

I might as well have been
building a plutonium bomb.

She flips.

She goes, "Sir! Sir!

"You need to shut
that off right now!"

I'm 48 years old.

All of a sudden now I'm six.

(STAMMERING)

(IN CHILD'S VOICE)
"But if I shut it off,
then Scooter'll die

"and I'll have to
go back to level one!"

And then she said it.

She goes, "Sir, do you know
where the on/off switch is?"

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)

(LAUGHS)

I said, "Ma'am,

"when I got up this mornin',

"I didn't want to be a jackass.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

"You just pushed
my jackass button."

So I said, "Yeah, I know
where the on/off switch is.

"Do you know
where the gas cap is?"

And, you know,
a body cavity search

isn't that bad
if you just relax.

My wife's all worried,
she goes,
"You're gonna have a stroke,

"you got so much stress."
I go, "I'm not
gonna have a stroke."

She goes,
"You need a massage."

And I go, "No. Uh-uh.
I don't want a massage."

And she goes, "Why not?"
And I go, "It's weird.

"Somebody you don't know
rubbin' on you."

Hell, that's how
I ended up married.

I mean, it worked out,
don't get me wrong.

She goes,
"Well, you need one."

I go, "Well,
I don't want one, baby."

She goes, "Well, I already
set you up one."

I'm like, "Why do we even
have these conversations?"

So she takes me to this spa

and they put me in this room
and it was weird.

There's like
pillows all over the floor

and this weird
Zamfir music playin'.

And they got water
dribblin' over rocks,

that's supposed to relax you.

Just made me have to go pee.

I finally got
enough nerve to walk

out of there
and the door opened.

This little 25-year-old
blonde girl opens the door

and she goes,
"Are you Mr. Engvall?"

And I went, "No... Yeah."

She goes,
"I'm your masseuse."

(LAUGHING)
And I go...

Oh, this ain't gonna be good.

I said, "Don't you
got some big fat guy

"with a hairy back
to do this?"

She goes, "You'll be fine."
I go, "I don't think so."

So she goes, "Okay,
go ahead and get undressed
and get on the bed."

And I go, "You mean
just down to my underwear?"

And she goes,
"No, you need to be naked."

I went, "God,

"I know you're testin' me here.

"And you need to know,
I'm just a C student. Okay?"

So she's holding up the sheet
and she goes,

"Okay, lay on your stomach."
And I went, "Oh, thank God."

She starts rubbing my back,
which felt great.

And then she goes, "So what do
you like to have done to you?"

And I went,
"Okay, God, that's enough!"

Then she starts rubbin' my butt.

Yeah.

And all I could think about
is, "Don't fart."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Yeah, you've thought
about it, haven't you?

Yeah! 'Cause when you're
standing up and you got gas,

you can kind of clench it in.

But when somebody's

rubbing your butt
cheeks east and west,

yeah, you know
one of those icky dog farts

is gonna sneak out.

So then she goes, "Okay,
roll over on your back."

And I'm like,
"Here it comes."

And I'm thinking of anything.

I'm thinking of
Grandma in her panties,

my dad scratching himself
with a salad fork, you know.

So I roll over,
everything's fine.

Until she takes
her hand in the sheet

and starts going like this.

I'm like, "Hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

"What are you doin'?"

She goes,
"I'm gonna rub your legs."

I go, "They're fine."

She goes,
"They seem kind of hard."

And I go, "You have no idea."

So then she comes
around the top of me

and starts rubbing my chest,
which was great,

except that
her boobs are like...

She's like,
"So you're a comedian."

I go, "No, bobblehead doll."

I walk outside, my wife's
like, "How was it?"

And I go, "Awful!
I'm more stressed now

"than I was
when I went in there."

See, I relieve
my stress by buyin' stuff.

I go to Cabela's
or Bass Pro Shops.

Yeah.

(MAN WHISTLING)

Here's the problem.

I'm an impulse buyer.

I'll like, "Oh, look,
I bought a deer feeder."

Then I think, "Oh, man,
I got to get it home."

And that drives my wife crazy.

'Cause she's
very much a list shopper.

Like, she hates it
when I get on airplanes.

Because the airlines
now have this magazine

called SkyMall magazine.

(EXCLAIMS)

That is my crack.

I know it's just crap.

But it's crap I gotta have.

I bought
a escalator for my house.

Just 'cause it conveniently
fits underneath the bed.

That's how they get you.
You ever been flipping
through that magazine,

not paying a bit of attention?

And all of a sudden
this will catch your eye.

"Tired of your knees touching
when you sleep?"

Well, now that you mention it,
yes, I am.

And they sell
some stupid stuff in there.

Have you seen
that rubber thing
you put on your shoes?

And it says, "You can aerate
your own lawn."

Okay. How big a loser are you?

Stomping around your yard,
"I'm savin' money."

Don't get me wrong, it works.

She got really mad at me

when I bought
a digital fly swatter

out of that magazine.

Well, come on, it keeps track
of swats, hits, and kills.

And the best part is, you
could hook it to the Internet,

and you could see

where you rank
nationally as a fly swatter.

I did see one item
in that magazine

that made me laugh out loud.

It's "House shoes
with headlights."

I couldn't believe it, either.

House shoes with headlights.

My first thought was,
"Who buys these?"

Then the other night I was
walking to the bathroom,

I stubbed my toe on the bed.

You know what I got now?

House shoes with headlights,
baby!

They are awesome!

The other night
I took the trash out,

my high beams hit a deer,
he just stood there.

Sometimes I like
to beat my wife to bed

and I'll just lay naked
on the bed in the dark room

except for my house shoes
with headlights on.

So it's like a movie premiere.
It's like,

"Hey, hey, hey.

"Coming to a theater near you.

"King Kong."

She goes,
"Put on your underwear,

"it's more like Smallville."

Yeah, she gets on me
about my shopping,

yet she ordered us a catalog

that's just stuff for our dogs.

Forty-two pages of dog stuff.

She bought a dog feeding dish

that's this high off the ground.

I said,
"Why did you buy that?"

She goes, "So he don't have to
bend his neck to eat."

"I just saw him
lickin' his own ass.

"Excuse me for thinking
he's limber enough to eat."

She goes, "Well, it helps
with his digestion."

I go,
"His digestion's just fine.

"I pick it out of the backyard
every morning."

God, she loves them dogs, boy.

I love them, too, but they're
just dogs, all right.

We had to take our dogs
to be boarded recently.

I don't know if
you've had to do this,

but it's like
checking them into a spa.

I walk our dogs in,
the little girl
behind the counter goes, "Hi.

"Just a few questions.

"What do your dogs like
to sleep on, linen or wool?"

"Concrete's good."

"Well, what kind of
water do they like?"

"Clear.

"Put it in a toilet,
they'll freak."

And then she
actually asked me this.

She goes, "Would you like to
purchase a toothbrush

"for your dogs
for the weekend?"

"Tell you what,

"you teach him to hold it,
I'll buy the toothbrush."

See, we got four dogs.

We got two wiener dogs,
those are her dogs.

Yeah, they're cute till they
have to go to the vet.

Then it's like
a billion dollars.

I took our two wiener dogs
to our vet.

Our idiot vet goes,
"That dog's gonna have
back problems."

I'm like, "Well, no kiddin'.

"He's got a eight-foot back
and two-inch legs.

"Hell, I could
have figured that out.

"Here's another one,
Doc Obvious.

"That's a boy dog
and he's about a quarter inch

"from dragging his
transmission on the sidewalk."

He goes, "Well,
you need to talk to that dog

"and tell it not to jump
off the bed." I was like,

"All right.

"Soon as we get home,
me and that dog

"gonna have
a little sit-down."

Then we got my dog, Duke,
he's a basset hound.

He's the perfect dog. Yeah!

He eats his own turds.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Perfect dog, right there.

Goes outside to poop,
cleans it up.

You can't teach that.

That's just a gift.

Best part about it, my wife
doesn't know he does it.

She loves to let that dog
lick her in the face.

Right there,
that's why my wife and I

have never had an argument.

She starts getting on my back
and all I say is,

"Duke,
Mama wants some lovin'."

I took Duke
to the vet and told the vet

that Duke eats his own turds.

I said,
"Isn't that kind of weird?"

And he goes,
"No, a lot of dogs do it."

He said, "Here, just sprinkle
this stuff on his food

"and it'll make him stop."
And I said, "What's it do?"

And he goes, "It makes
his turds taste bad."

"I'm sorry, Doc.
I'm a little slow here.

"Did you just say the phrase,

"'It'll make his turds
taste bad'?"

Hey, if you've sunk
to eating turds,

you've never uttered the phrase,

"Oh, my God, this is nasty."

And we got a German shepherd

we found on the side
of the road. She's psycho.

Now I know why she was
on the side of the road.

Yeah. Nothing's free.

But I love that dog.

That dog saved
my heinie one night.

One night my wife and I
were sound asleep in bed,

her dog was trying to
jump up on the bed

after I just talked to it.

So I just grabbed
the little wiener dog

and flung him out
in the backyard.

Well,
about 5:30 that morning,

I heard this
squealin' and screamin'
coming out of the backyard.

Good God, I hopped
out of bed in my underwear,

put on my headlight house shoes,

ran out in the backyard,

and a coyote
had jumped the fence.

Yes,
and had my wife's wiener dog
pinned down on the ground.

I'm like, "Oh, hell.

"I appreciate what you're doin'.

"Could have done it
a little quieter,

"couldn't you?"

About that time,
I felt this whoosh by my leg.

That German shepherd
ran out in that backyard,

hit that coyote broadside.

That coyote did three flips
and jumped the fence.

I looked
at that German shepherd,

I said, "Come on,
you're sleepin' in the bed."

Funny thing was, for about
two weeks after that,

my wife and I'd be sitting
at the breakfast table
having coffee.

We'd look out in the street

and there'd be
two or three coyotes

sitting in our street,
lookin' in our backyard.

And you know the conversation
went like this,

"What? No, hell no.

"Don't go in there.

"That little dog's a setup.

"I ain't lying.

"Ask Joe what happened to him.

"Hell, he won't eat
nothing but soy bacon now."

God bless you, Washington,
I appreciate it!

(MAN WHISTLING)

Y'all ready to keep
this party rolling?

Please bring out my good friend,

Mr. Ron White!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Bill Engvall.
Give it up for Bill!

Thank you so much
for comin' out tonight.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Thank you.

(MAN YELLING INDISTINCTLY)

No, you can't, sir.

Stop begging for booze.

Uh, my wife and I
took a tour bus into town,

and my wife had never been
to Washington DC before.

And we were crossing the Potomac

and she said,
"What's that building?"

And I said,
"Well, it was a Hooters

"during
the Clinton administration...

"Then they turned it back
into the Lincoln Memorial

"and now it's
a Cracker Barrel, so welcome."

I almost got ran over today

by a mobile
paper-shredding unit.

I'm in Georgetown.
They got them on every street,

these gigantic evidence
getter-ridder-of-ers.

Can you call them up

if you got a body
you don't need around?

My wife had been in Europe
for three weeks,

and she left two days
after Valentine's day.

And for Valentine's Day,

I was going to take her
to see Brokeback Mountain,

and, uh,

it was sold out,

so we're going to
go see it tomorrow.

And Heath Ledger
and Jake Gyllenhaal

are both amazing actors.

And if you've seen the movie,
don't ruin it for me.

I don't want to know
which one plays the sheep.

In fact, I'm actually
writing a movie right now

about my recent bout
with erectile dysfunction,

called Broke Dick Fountain.

Getting ready to
film this movie,

everybody's like,
"You gotta go on a diet, man.

"You gotta lose some weight.
You got to be better.

"You gotta be thinner.
You gotta look better."

And I'm like, "Look better?
I'm 50 years old,

"I've been drinking
like a fish for 30 years.

"What do you want?"

Been on this diet, man.

I'm getting dieting tips
from skinny people.

My mother weighs 80 pounds.

Here's her tip.

"Drink a lot of water.

"You'll be less hungry."

You know what happens
if you drink a lot of water?

You're less thirsty.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Just as I suspected
would be the case.

I still look okay sometimes,

'cause I wear
really expensive suits,

and if you drape
$5,000 worth of clothes

over a pile of crap,
it looks all right.

Look bad naked though.

Ain't no hiding that, is there?

The only person that knows

what I look like naked
right now,

which is the worst I've
ever looked, is my wife.

And she has to have sex with me.

And she makes me wear the suit.

I cut a little hole right here.

I come in low under the radar.

Washington DC, uh...

I guess the Department
of Homeland Security

is here in Washington, DC,
is that true?

Uh, one of the most useless
organizations on the planet.

They came up with a...

Now, I really didn't even have
an opinion about that

and, uh,
and I don't care if you do.

But my mother called me
one time, and she was scared

because the heightened
state of awareness

went from yellow to orange,

and she said, "Son, I
don't know what to do."

And I'm like, "Mama, nobody
knows what to do."

Does anybody in this room
know what to do different

when the heightened
state of awareness

goes from yellow to orange?

No, you do not.

Because it is useless.

It means nothing!

Nobody knows
what to do different

if it changes from
one to the other.

Yeah, now I get it,

that's a heightened
state of awareness.

If I'm on... In line
to get on a plane,

and the guy in front of me

needs two loads of phlegm
to pronounce his name,

I'm checking
his shoes for fuses.

And I don't care
who knows it, either.

I'm...

And it's not being racist,
it's profiling.

I... I... I went on
the computer and I found out

there are five heightened
states of awareness.

I'd only heard two,
yellow and orange.

Turns out there's five.

Uh, blue, green,
yellow, orange, red.

Apparently,

when the heightened state
of awareness is blue,

you don't even need sunscreen.

You could walk outside naked.

My wife said,
"Well, why don't you

"come up with
a better system?"

"All right,
give me 10 minutes."

Here's
the Ron White Heightened State
of Awareness System.

It's only got two heightened
states of awareness.

"Go find a helmet."

"Put on the damn helmet."

That way I can answer
my mother's questions.

"Ron, it's
Put on a Damn Helmet Day,

"what do we do?"

"Put on the damn helmet,
Mother."

"Thank you, Son,
we're so proud."

My wife usually travels with
me and we kind of hop

from Indian reservation
to Indian reservation

doing these casinos,

and last fall, we were doing
a run across Florida,

and this is how
well my mother hears

at 70 years old.

She calls me. She asks... asks
me where I'm at

and, uh, we're at the, uh,
Hard Rock Casino

in Hollywood, Florida,

on the Seminole reservation.

And she asks me where I'm at.
I hear my dad

in the background go,
"What'd he say?"

And she goes,
"He said in Hollywood,

"you need reservations
to get a cinnamon roll."

That's close enough, Mom.

I lost my ass at that casino.

Usually I do okay gambling

'cause I'm just a straight
blackjack player.

Right, but I started watching

these Texas
Hold'em tournaments on TV.

And the only thing
that's dangerous about that

is, after a while,
you start to think

you can play that game for real.

But you sit down in one of
those big poker rooms,

you find out really quick

that they don't let you see
everybody else's cards.

I'm sitting there going,

"How am I supposed to know
how much to bet?"

"Where's that little odds thing

"that tells me how I'm doing?

"I got a question."

Our second stop on that tour
was Fort Myers, Florida.

And my wife and I wanted to go

to Sanibel and
Captiva Islands, uh,

which is
basically Margaritaville.

You know,
that's where Jimmy Buffett

lived when he wrote those songs,

and very pretty,
very romantic place.

And the only way
to get to Sanibel Island

is to cross
a little rickety bridge.

I mean, a bridge...

I've never seen such
a rickety bridge in my life.

Just a rickety bridge.

And the toll to cross this
little rickety bridge is $6,

to cross a little
rickety freaking bridge.

You know, and I...

I expected there to be
a troll and some billy goats.

Six bucks to cross
a little bridge.

And I... You know, and I make
a lot of money, folks.

Not doing this.
I sell shrimp out of a van.

And the bridge is
such a piece of crap

that the speed limit on it
is five miles an hour,

and I got a ticket.

This cop says, "You have any
idea how fast you were goin'?"

I was like,
"I don't know, eight, nine.

"I don't know.

"My foot slipped
off the brake, I..."

"I clocked you
doing over 11 mile an hour.

"Over twice
the legal speed limit."

"Take me to jail.
I'm beggin' you.

"I'll make a million dollars
telling this story

"if you'll take me to jail
for going 11 miles an hour."

Then you get to the place

where you pay your toll, folks.

And there's a little sign.

You can go there, still there
today, there's a little sign,

right before you
get to the tollbooth,

and it says,
"No coins or cash."

I'm like, "What do they want
you to give them,

"a hand job?"

"I've never been
good with my left hand.

"Honey, if you just
sit in the back seat.

"Sir, if you just
walk right around there,
sit down right there."

We, uh...

Whenever we're in
that part of the, uh, country,

we stay at the Don CeSar Hotel.

And my wife and I travel

on a big tour bus
with three dogs.

We have, uh,
two Scottish terriers

because if you drink enough
Johnnie Walker products,

eventually,
they just send you the dogs.

We have, uh, 240 head of Scottie

on a little ranch
up in Wyoming. It's a...

We got these little monkeys
with cowboy hats and vests

riding Shetland ponies.

They got little toy guns.

One of them is the sheriff.

Cutest thing you ever saw.

Actually, uh,
we have two Scottish terriers

and, uh, their names
are Birdie and Bogey.

And somebody the other day said,

"Oh, that's cute. They're
named after your golf game."

And I was like, "No, if they
were named after my golf game

"they'd be 'Double Bogey'

"and 'Where the hell
is that ball going'?"

Which is...

Which is kind of a long name
for a pet, you know?

And then Sluggo,
he's my bulldog, and...

It's apparently
talk-about-your-pet night

here at the Warner.

Uh, Sluggo was in the backyard
the other day,

and I was picking up, uh,
dog turds

'cause I couldn't get
Bill's dog to come over.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

"Come on,
let Duke spend the night."

"No, he'll come home full."

So I'm picking up dog turds.
And while I'm picking them up,

I realize seven people
work for me full-time.

And as I'm picking
up these dog turds,

I'm reevaluating
everybody's position

with Ron White Inc.
In my head,

so that next week I will not
be the dog turd picker-upper.

I haven't decided
who it's going to be yet.

It's either going to be
my pool boy

or my tax attorney.

And I'm leaning
towards the tax attorney.

But I'm picking
up these dog turds,

and I see one that is huge.

And it's massive
even by Sluggo's standards,

which are legendary.

And I'm staring at this turd.
I'm admiring it, really.

And after a while,
I started to think

it says something
on the side of it.

I run in the house
and I get my glasses

'cause I can't read shit
without my glasses.

And it does.

It says,
"Midland Park Golf Course."

Sluggo had eaten and shat whole

a golf glove, Velcro and all.

I rinsed it off and I've been
using it for three weeks.

But my wife and I, we look for
pet-friendly hotels

when we're out, because we
travel with this menagerie.

And there is
no more pet-friendly hotel

on the planet
than the Don CeSar.

They're, like,
over-the-top pet-friendly.

Uh, they have a pet concierge
that comes to your room

to tell you about the services
they offer your pets

while you stay at
the Don CeSar Hotel,

and I sold a lot of shrimp
last year,

so I'm like, "All right,
let's hear it.
What do you got?"

And the guy goes,
"We offer your dogs a massage

"because we would like
for your dogs to be

"as relaxed as you are

"during their stay
at the Don CeSar Hotel."

I'm like, "All right,

"but I'm going to
tell you right now,

"that fat one right over there,

"he's gonna want
a happy ending."

They have
aromatherapy for your pets.

I'm like, "What are you gonna
make it smell like?

"Ass?

"That's what he likes.

"Do you have an ass
candle back there?

"Give him a hand job
and light an ass candle

"and see if that's not
the most relaxed dog

"at the Don CeSar Hotel."

He'll sleep on that cushion
for nine hours.

I know this animal.

Hey, uh,

do you think it's weird
that at 49 years old

one of my testicles is just
a little bit bigger than,

than the other two?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Last... In fact, three weeks
ago, I did a run that was...

I live in Atlanta and, uh, uh,

I did The Tonight Show
on Wednesday night,

and then I did
Billings on Thursday,

and my manager
sold... sold it to me

on sort of,
"It's a good routing."

You know, part of that
Atlanta-LA-Billings run

that encompasses
the entire United States.

And... and, uh, on Friday night,

I was in Anchorage, Alaska,

which is real handy, and, uh,

and someplace you really
want to see in February

if you get... if you get
a chance. And, uh...

Then on Saturday night,
I'm in Fairbanks, Alaska,

and my manager's prediction

that there wouldn't be
a lot of snow

in Fairbanks in February

was off by about seven
and a half freakin' feet.

The most boring town
I've ever been to in my life.

Sorry if you're from there.

It is a borehole.

And I was stranded
there for three days.

Count them, one, tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Stranded there with
the Eskimo people.

Not a great-looking
group of folks.

And I mentioned that onstage
and they got pissed off.

And I didn't see
why they got so mad.

I didn't insinuate
that they had no character.

I mentioned that
they weren't attractive.

I thought they knew.

Apparently, I let some
big cat out of the bag.

Have you seen their teeth?

They could make keys.

You don't have to be
in Fairbanks very long

before you figure out

what that nose-rubbing deal
is all about.

"I'm good."

Anyway,
I got this scathing letter

from the head Eskimo,

Frosty, or whatever
his name was and...

Halfway through the letter,
he said he would have me know

that the Inuit tribe is

one of the purest races
on the planet.

And I'm like, "That's kind of
what I'm talkin' about."

Nobody will have
sex with these people.

And then later in the letter,

it said there are
less Inuits every year,

which I guess means
it's getting to where

they won't even have sex
with each other.

Somebody suggested
that I, uh, watch a movie

on the way to Alaska, and I did.

It was called Grizzly Man.

And you could go rent
this film or buy it.

It's worth the watch.

It's, uh, it's
very entertaining.

Uh, this guy, a ne'er-do-well
out-of-work actor,

uh, tries to reinvent
himself as a filmmaker,

and he moves into
grizzly country in Alaska,

and shoots this amazing footage,

which was later compiled
by Werner Herzog,

and made into this movie.
And, uh...

But, like, halfway
through the movie, he snaps

and believes he has become
at one with the grizzly bears.

And not only do grizzly bears,
he says in this film,

have the capacity for intellect,

they have
the capacity for sympathy.

And then one of them eats him.

Funniest film
I've ever seen in my life.

I laughed till I thought
I was gonna throw up.

The bear ate him.

That's rich.

And I just thought
it would be funny

if at any point
in this guy's life,

his father, like my father,
ever said,

"You're never gonna be shit."

"Well, you're wrong, Papa.

"Tomorrow morning

"when this bear
pushes me through his bowels,

"I'm going to become
a steaming pile of bear shit.

"I hope you're proud, Daddy.

"You have no idea
what I've been through

"to make your dreams come true.

"I had to be digested.

"Do you know what
that's like, Daddy?

"I suppose you don't."

Yeah. I get chastised publicly
and in the media

for my position
on the death penalty,

and they don't even
know the half of it

because in the Moussaoui case,

I'd want to be the guy
that set the execution date,

and I'd set it for 1:00 a.m.,

the day they set clocks forward.

Just so I could
walk in there and go,

"Well, looks like you got
about another hour, Moussaoui.

"Nope,
spring forward, asshole."

And there is one
piece of legislation

floating around right now

that I endorse publicly
and with all my heart

and I hope you do, too.

I believe if you're

a convicted sex offender
in this country,

when you get out of prison,

you should have to put a sign
in your yard or on your door

that says you're a convicted
sex offender,

'cause I don't care
about your rights anymore.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

And I'd also like to know

where to get one of those signs,

'cause I'd like to keep
some kids out of my yard.

Thanks for playin' along.
I hope you enjoyed it.

You guys were fantastic.
Thank you.

Thank you very much.
Ladies and gentlemen,

it gives me great pride
to welcome to the stage,

the best comedian
that ever lived,

Jeff Foxworthy.

Ron White, everybody!

I got to tell...

I really appreciate Ron
for being a part of this.

He had to leave
a New Year's Eve party

to be here tonight.

I'm not saying Ron drinks,

but I hugged him and
my vision is blurry. It, uh...

Speaking of blurry vision,

I got... I got to point this out.

I saw a billboard
here in Washington DC

advertising for
the vision correction surgery.

The billboard claimed that

they have the cheapest
LASIK in town.

And I'm thinking,

"If you're gonna be
operating on my eyeballs

"with a laser beam,

"I don't want
the cheapest in town."

I want somebody that takes
a little pride in their work.

I don't want
to be walking around

hanging on to
a German shepherd
by a harness, braggin',

"I just saved a bundle
on my LASIK surgery."

And if they decided to go
with "cheapest in town,"

what slogan did they pass up?

"Hey, some of our patients

"actually kind of
see a little bit better."

"If it doesn't work,

"think of the money
you'll save on light bulbs."

I mean, I like savin' money.
I just don't think

medical procedures
are where you want to do it.

I don't want the cheapest
vasectomy in town.

Climbing into a truck
behind a convenience store

and the guy going,
"You got the 20 bucks?"

"All right,
listen, bite down on this rag

"so you don't scream.

"I can't have the neighbors
calling the police again."

A couple of
slogans with a vasectomy

I wouldn't want to hear,

like, "Half off."

"Buy one, get one free."

I don't even know
how that would work.

"Everything must go!"

No, most of it better
be staying, Rufus. Uh...

I am thrilled to be here
tonight, uh, at the, uh...

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Thank you.

Last year we did
the Blue Collar TV thing,

uh, last year.

And then at the end of the year,

I had written a book called

the Redneck Dictionary.

It was words you thought

you knew
the meaning of, all right.

Some people have
that fine piece of literature

on the back of
their toilet, I see. Uh...

But it had words
in it like, uh, "asinine."

Uh, I'll give her face
a two and her "asinine."

Or "wisdom."

Uh, my brother had
two kidney stones

but he "wisdom" both out.

Or "letter carrier."

Uh, if she's going to
pack all that stuff,

I say, hell,
"letter carrier" own luggage.

But anyway, because of the book,

I was doing a lot
of book signings.

And one of the last ones I did,

I did a five-hour book signing

at a Wal-Mart one
Saturday afternoon,

and during that five hours,
I had a revelation.

And that is,

there's not
a whole lot of supermodels

shopping at Wal-Mart.

It's pretty much
just us rednecks.

You know, and... and
we... we don't wear stuff

'cause some magazine says
it's the latest style.

We wear stuff
'cause it's comfortable,

and if you can't look at it
and keep your lunch down,

that's your problem.

But as kind of a spokesman

for this portion
of the population,

I got to thinking, you know,
it has reached the point

where we do need
a few redneck fashion tips.

And I know a lot of you
are sitting out there

and you're like,
"Jeff, I don't know

"when it comes to fashion,

"if I'm a supermodel
or a redneck."

So I came up with a few ways
to help you tell.

If the most expensive thing
you ever bought at the mall

came from the food court,

you might want to pay attention.

If your bra is a darker color
than your shirt,

you might want to pay attention.

If your wife has ever
dusted the furniture

with your
best pair of underwear,

you might want to pay attention.

If people can see
your butt crack 24/7,

you might want to listen up.

If you've mastered
the art of puttin' on makeup

with your non-smokin' hand

while drivin' with your knee,

you might want to pay attention.

And if your thighs

stop moving
30 seconds after you do,

some of this
might be aimed at you.

All right, here we go.

Redneck fashion tip number one.

Certain things should not be
sold in certain sizes.

If your rear end looks like
two full-grown raccoons

wrestling in a 50-pound bag
of feed corn,

say no to spandex!

Tight ain't always right.

And the only place dimples
are cute are on your face.

This woman came up to me
at the book signing.

She had the biggest butt
I have ever seen in my life.

And you've seen
these kind of people.

There're like from the waist up,

they're built kind of normally.

And then from the waist down,

it's... it's like
an explosion took place.

You know, just... just huge.
I mean, from a distance,

she looked like a poodle
riding a Hippity Hop.

You know, like...

And there's no telling
how big her butt really was

'cause she had it
packed in these jeans.

I mean, it was crammed in there.

I could hear the zipper cryin'.

You got the feeling some night

some guy was gonna get her home,

get that top button unbuttoned,

and that thing was gonna
come flying out of there

like a Navy life raft, you know.

But the thing that
was intriguing about it

was she had this attitude

like she was the hottest thing
on the planet.

And I love big girls
that think they're sexy.

'Cause I think guys look at them

kind of like we do
those rodeo bulls.

You know, we're like,
"I bet I could ride it,

"but I'd probably get hurt."

So anyway,
I signed her books for her,

and when she went to walk away,

she wasn't just walking.

She was struttin'.

I mean,
you know, like popping it.

And I'm watching
her 'cause I'm scared

she's gonna knock over some
little kids or something.

And my brother leaned over
and tapped me on the arm.

He said,
"That looks like
two blue Volkswagens

"trying to pass each other
on a gravel road."

Certain things should not be
sold in certain sizes.

If your stomach blocks
your view of your shoes,

cover it up!

The only people that
should be wearing belly shirts

are the people that
don't have bellies.

And there's no shame,

no shame in having a spare tire.

Just keep it in the trunk

so other people
don't have to look at it.

(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)

And, you know, those little
baby spare tires

are kind of cute.

Tractor tires aren't.

Especially when
they have hair on 'em.

Certain things should not be
sold in certain sizes.

And this goes to a lot of dads
and uncles out here.

Your shorts are supposed to be
longer than your underwear.

Especially if you
wear tighty whities.

Nobody wants to be
at the family picnic

and look over at Uncle Fred
sitting in a lawn chair

and see anything
that looks like a baby bird.

And talking about shorts,

I gotta comment
on those little cotton shorts

that have the words
printed on the back of 'em.

First of all, guys,

if you can't read
without movin' your lips,

do not stare at these shorts

in front of your wife
or girlfriend.

And for God sakes, don't pretend

you've had
the cheap LASIK surgery

and you can only read by
using Braille, you know?

But these shorts bring up
my second fashion rule,

and that is there has
got to be an age limit

on certain articles of clothing.

Got to be.

And with these
little cotton shorts

with the words on 'em,

I think the age limit is what?

15? 16?

All I'm saying is that

if the veins
in the back of your legs

look like the street map
of Greater Pittsburgh,

you ain't nobody's baby doll.

If your thighs look like
the hood of a white Toyota van

after a hailstorm,

you're not Juicy.

You might be
a terrific grandmother,

you're not Juicy.

And this age-limit rule

also applies to
low-cut tops on women.

And... and you know
what I'm talking about,

these women that insist on
showing their cleavage

30 years after
anybody wants to see it.

And they're always well-endowed.

I mean real well-endowed.

They are the kind of women,
if they go to hug you,

and you're not chewing gum,
your ears are going to pop.

But that cleavage line's like
three feet long,

and it's got these little
wrinkles coming off of it.

Looks like you're looking down
into the Grand Canyon

out an airplane window.

And what is it?

There's some women,
the older they get,

just, the less modest they are.

And everybody's done this,

where you're sitting
there in the morning

having a cup of
coffee with Granny.

And she's not wearing anything,

but a paper-thin
nightgown and a smile.

Then she'll bend down

to pick up
something out of the floor,

and suddenly
you're staring at something

that looks like
those long balloons

four days after
the birthday party.

And they ain't
floating up to the ceiling,

they are on the floor.

Hell, you could step on them
and they wouldn't pop.

Fashion rule number three.

Tattoos are not for everybody.

When I was a kid,

the only people that had tattoos

were old guys
that had been in the Navy.

You know, and theirs
were kind of blurry.

In fact, you couldn't
even tell what they were.

You were staring at it, going,

"Well, it's either
a naked woman or Willie Nelson

"using post-hole diggers."

But it was the old Navy guys
and... and Hells Angels.

But they had the scary tattoos.

You know,
like on their knuckles,

like "love" and "hate."

My cousin had that,

and then one summer
he got a job in the carnival,

and he got his pinkie
chopped off.

Now his hands say,
"Love hat."

Ooh, that's intimidating.

And I don't have anything
against tattoos.

I don't have one, myself.

If... if I did,

it would be right there
next to my watch,

it would say,
"Your wife's birthday
is August 2,

"your anniversary
is September 18,

"don't let Ron White
drive your car again,"
you know.

All I'm saying with tattoos
is you have to plan ahead
just a little bit.

You know, because I think
a lot of tattoos are cool

when you're young
and your skin is taut.

But as you get older,
that skin's gonna
start sagging.

You know, ladies,
like that... that little
hummingbird.

It's real cute when you're 20.

But that bird is
going to fly south
for the winter.

And 20 years down the road,
you don't want
your grandkids crying,

going, "I don't want
to stay with Grandma,

"she's got a buzzard
on her back!"

'Cause when that skin
starts sagging,

suddenly that dolphin
is a beluga whale.

And that rose is Rosie O'Donnell

with a mouthful of leaves.

And something else
to think about.

You know
it's going to be real hard

for your kids
to take you seriously
when you tell them,

"Say no to drugs," and you got

a pot plant
tattooed to your neck.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Fashion rule number four.

If you've given birth
more than five times,

a tank top is not
an acceptable substitute
for a bra.

There was this lady
at the book signing,

and I don't know
what had happened to her

to cause this particular
breast configuration,

but she had one under each arm.

She looked like
a watermelon delivery boy.

Tank tops aren't good
on anybody,

especially those low-cut ones.

You know, if your skin
is the color of Cool Whip

and you have a mole
that looks like
an oatmeal pie,

let that be your little secret.

Guys, if you have
back titties...

I didn't know if you would know

what I was talking about
there. You...

The kind of guys that are
walking through the mall

and nursing babies
are going, "Num-num, num-num."

Also, if your back's so hairy,

you've been shot
more than twice
with a tranquilizer gun,

say yes to sleeves.

I hope Larry is listening
to some of this.

(WHISTLING)

Fashion rule number five.

It is okay to wear a T-shirt
with nothing written on it.

I don't know what it is
about rednecks.

We never have to write a résumé,

because you can
learn everything
you want to know about us

by reading our clothes.

You give me
a redneck man's
T-shirt drawer,

I can tell you
what kind of truck he drives,

what radio station
he listens to,
who he roots for in NASCAR,

what he likes to hunt,
who his favorite
college football team is,

his philosophy on life,

and where he went on vacation
the last 21 summers.

And you give me his windbreaker,

I'll tell you
what kind of cigarettes
he smokes.

Also, with T-shirts,
guys, if you weigh
more than 400 pounds,

it's not okay to wear
a T-shirt that says,
"No Fat Chicks."

You ought to be
wearing one that says,
"I whipped anorexia's ass."

And do not wear
an "I'm With Stupid" T-shirt

if you're by yourself.

And if you do,
well, I'd say that's right.

Fashion rule number six.

God invented
closed-toed shoes
for a reason.

Why is it the people
with the nastiest feet
always wear flip-flops?

You know what I'm talking about?

If you have so many corns
you have to put up
a scarecrow,

say no to the flip-flop.

If your toenails are so long

you can swoop down on a lake
and catch a trout,

say no to the flip-flop.

If you have a toenail
that's three different colors

and none of them
are nail polish,

say no to the flip-flop.

My next fashion rule,
and this is

for some of you
younger folks out there,

if your mother
still drives you to school,

you ain't no gangster,
pull your pants up.

The back pockets of your pants

should not be behind your knees.

And I don't know why
I have to look at
the underwear

of every teenage boy in America.

You know, when I was in school,

if other people
could see your underwear,

it was because two bullies
had cornered you
on the playground

and they'd yanked
it up to your neck.

Which is why as adults, most men

won't even consider
wearing a thong

'cause those are memories
we're trying to repress,
you know.

And my last fashion rule.

Husbands and wives
should never dress alike,

unless you're going
to a Garth Brooks concert

or a Halloween party.

I have only dressed
like my wife one time

in our 20-year marriage,

and it was the biggest mistake
I'd ever made.

You... you cannot describe
this little adventure

without the word
"cluster" in it.

She wanted
to go hunting with me
to see what it was all about,

so I got her
a camouflaged outfit,
and she never shut up.

She never shut up
the entire time.

We're walking through the woods

and she's like,
"It is so dirty out here.

"I cannot believe
leaves and sticks
are everywhere.

"Can you believe
how dirty it is?
Nobody ever cleans this up?

"Oh, God, look at that.
I got mud on my new boots.

"Oh, I hope that comes out.
I love these little boots.

"You know,
they were originally $129,

"but I got them for $59.95.
You wanna know why?

"They're last year's boots.
I don't think anybody'll know.
Do you?

"Oh, God,
there's a bug on my pants.
Get him off, get him off.

"Get him off.
Well, don't kill him,
he's just a little bug.

"He's probably looking
for his bug family.

"Here, hold my binoculars,
'cause I gotta
straighten my hat up.

"Are my bangs even?

"Are they really even
or are you just saying that?
Are they even?

"Does this coat
make me look too fat?

"I don't like this coat.
I liked it
when I first put it on,

"but now I think
it makes my hips look fat.

"Don't you think so?
Where are all the deer?

"You said there were
going to be deer out here.

"I don't see one single deer.

"Is this going to take
a long time?

"H-how come you're
putting your gun
in your mouth?"

You guys have been great.
God bless you,
thank you for this.

You guys are awesome.
Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

All right, y'all,
keep it going for

one of my dearest
friends in the world

and the next president
of the United States,

Larry, the Cable Guy!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

LARRY: All right.

There goes Jeff.

All right.

Thank you.

Thank you,
I had to get my underwear
out of my crack.

All right.

Git-R-Done.

Thank you.

That's right,
that's all I do.
I come out and I go,

"Git-R-Done. That's $100.
Get the hell out of here."

All right, yeah, excuse me.

Well, thank you so much.
Good to see you.

I didn't think I was
gonna make it here.

I was in Pennsylvania

doing a thing
for the Playboy Channel
down there.

Uh, I was, uh, filming
Amish Girls Gone Wild

down there
for the Playboy Channel show.

It's kind of tough
to get their bonnets off,

but once we did,
they warmed up pretty good.

I'll tell you. That's right.

"Yeah, churn that butter,
honey, churn that butter.

"Oh, that's good
right there."

I'm kind of irritated, though,
we was driving back
in the car

and had a accident.

I'm gonna sue Geico Insurance.

We had a accident
and they sent out
an actual lizard

to handle the claim,
for God's sake.

What in the world?

I was madder than a Keebler Elf

getting demoted to fudge packer.

I tell you what,
I couldn't believe.

That's upset there.

That's upset right there.
That's right.

I like to travel.
I was up in Canada,

up there
at the Calgary Stampede.

I like the rodeo.

I tell you,
I wish I could do that,

but I'm too out of shape
for that.

But my sister did it
for a long time, and...

She did. She was good.
They ended up retiring her.

Nobody could stay on her
for eight years.

I tell you what, she was...

She was mean.

She was mean.

I'll tell you, the cowboys
called her a mother bucker
for many years.

I'll tell you, she was...
She was a mean one.

But I'm going to tell you what.

This is such a thrill
to do this.

And I'm gonna
tell you something, though,
this ain't all roses up here.

I got some women
trying to get money
from me right now.

They threatening to release
these sex tapes

I made with them
about 17 years ago,

and it just really
upsets you, you know?

You finally make a little money

and then you got relatives
coming out of the woodwork.

You know what I mean, don't you?

Pissed me off.

Tell you what, though.
I'm trying to get in
shape a little bit.

I put on 22 pounds
over the holidays,

and I guess that's a lot
for Arbor Day, I guess.

I ain't sure, but...

Trying to lose
a little bit of weight,
though.

My Japanese neighbor's
starting to call me
"Gutzilla."

So I got to do
something with that.

But I blame a lot of that
on the holidays and stuff,

and I always try to make
my New Year's resolutions

to not gain weight,
but I didn't do that
this year.

I made two different ones,
and I've kept them so far.

Uh, well, one.
I ate a booger yesterday.

All right,
I didn't do that one,
but I couldn't help it.

It was dry air
and it was a good one, too.
You know what I mean?

Well, you can't help it.

You don't want to
but you're like,
"Oh, oh, what the hell?"

You know, I...

But I said
I was going to eat more
and get fat.

And I have done that.
So that's a good thing.

But you know what irritates me?

Did you ever read the label
on your Butterball turkey
over the holidays?

Anybody speak English at all,

or... or am I way off
on the turkey deal?
You don't eat turkey? Or...

My turkey said,
"Sweet, young, and juicy"

right on the daggum label.

That ain't right.

I had my pants unsnapped
before we ate the meal
this year.

I'll tell you that much.

LARRY: That's right.

But I do like food.
I'll tell you what,
I enjoy it.

The Waffle House.
That's one of my
favorite places right there.

I like the Waffle House.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Smothered and covered, by God.

You're a Communist
if you don't eat it
smothered and covered.

But don't eat it too late,
'cause you'll eat it
smothered and covered

and it'll come out
scattered and splattered,
I guaran-damn-tee.

It ain't funny.

Good Lord,
I could have bent over

and pooped through
a keyhole in there.
It was ridiculous.

I was madder than
a one-legged waitress

working at the IHOP,
I tell you what.

Here's your pancakes.

But it's good to be in old DC.

I used to date a gal from here

a few years ago, and...
I did.

We ended up breaking up.
It was mutual.

Her and her husband told me
to get the hell out,
so I did.

Dated another gal
a few years ago,
and she scared me.

She come up to me
one morning.
She said, "Well, pretty soon

"you're gonna hear
the pitter-patter

"of little feet
around the house."

I'm like,
"Oh, Lord, she's pregnant."

She ended up leaving me
for a midget.

I used to date
a little midget girl

as a matter of fact,
about that tall.

Good Lord, I loved her.
I was nuts over her.
I tell you, I was.

I loved her.

That's right.

We didn't date too long.
No, she irritated me.

She kept sticking her nose
in my business.

You know what I mean? Just...

Let's see, but I did,
I got married
about seven months ago.

MAN: Yeah.

And, oh, don't...
Hey, don't clap.
We're already having trouble.

And

apparently you
can't talk dirty
to your wife's sister

on the telephone, I guess.

Didn't really
read the rulebook
on all that.

But I love her, though.
You can tell
when you in love.

I didn't think I ever could,
but God bless her.

She's the only girl
I ever made love to
with my pants completely off.

I'll tell you, there's a...

There was a connection there
from the beginning.

I'll tell you
what's really cool about her,

she looks like
my favorite country singer.

That's a turn-on right there.

You see your singer on TV
and then you married somebody
that look like...

I mean, we was walking
down the street
the other day.

I was so daggum proud,

people was like,
"Look, there's Travis Tritt!"

"Look at that, right there,
it's Travis Tritt!"

That's right.

She looks a little like him
from the back like this.

I'll tell you,
a little T-R-O-U-B-L-E
coming my way.

We got us a baby on the way,
August 4.

We pretty excited about that.

We...

LARRY: Yeah, that's going
to be pretty cool.

Going to be cool.
We ordered her from China.

So hopefully
she'll get here then,

you know,
if she ain't here by the 4th,

then I blowed 20 bucks on a cake

that says, "Welcome, Ling Chau,"

all right, I'll tell you that.

No, but she is
going to have a baby.
I'm so proud.

She wants a little boy,
I want a 16-year-old
Polynesian girl.

That's what I want, right there.

Hopefully we can figure
that whole thing out,
right there.

You know.

But I'm from a small town.

Uh, you got to
create things to do.
I like to fish and hunt

and throw rocks at whores.

We used to do that a lot.

But that was
a church function, there.

That was, but...

Fishing. I love fishing.
That's a lot of fun, there.
I tell you what, I was...

I was standing on my porch
the other day,
looking at some stars

through my telescope,
'cause my neighbor'd
put her top back on,

and my buddy goes,
"You want to go fishing
in the morning?"

I'm like, "Daggum.
Git-R-Done."

Right, and he said,
"Well, we need to be
on the lake at 5:00 a.m."

Come again?

5:00 a.m.?

You couldn't get me
on a cheerleader

at 5:00 a.m.,
I'll tell you that.

What in the world?

(LAUGHS)

Well, you could,
but she'd have to
bring her own rod,

I guarantee you that.

There'd be nothing
working on me
at that hour, there.

Went trout fishing one time
and didn't get nothing
for seven hours.

And then I farted in my waders
and four trout
come up for air.

Daggum.

If I'd have had
one more bowl of chili,

I'd have got 10 of them
daggum things in there.

I just wasn't prepared.
I wasn't prepared.

Wasn't prepared.
But I do love to fish,
and I'll tell you what.

They got all kinds of fish.
You ever heard
of Orange Roughy?

ALL: Yeah.
You...

I didn't even know
that was a fish.

I thought that was
what you took after you ate
a bag of Cheez Doodles.

Good Lord.

Went fishing
in Miami one time
and caught a Cuban.

(LARRY LAUGHS)
LARRY: That's funny.

Good Lord.

It was unbelievable.

There was a whole
school of them down there,
I couldn't believe it.

But I felt bad.

I had my limit
and I had to throw
the little feller back.

I felt bad about it.

You ever do this?

You ever throw firecrackers
in the water,
watch the fish come up?

That's fun, right there.

We was throwing M-80's in,
fish flying up.

That's right.
We blew the aquarium

at the dentist's office
all to hell, we done that.

I thought it was funny, I did.

But we was kids,
we was about 25,

so we didn't know
what we was doing then.

Went fishing one time,

uh, for catfish
using shrimp as bait,
which makes no sense at all.

Does that make any sense?
MAN: No.

Fishing for a fish
that's $2 a pound

with a fish
that's $9.99 a pound?

I ended up eating the bait,
that's what I did.

"How come you ain't
fishing for catfish?"
"We got shrimp."

I like to hunt.
That's one of my
favorite things.

Need to be careful, though.
My brother's not
a very good hunter.

He shot himself in the head
bowhunting one year.

And this was
the final straw with him.

I took him bird hunting
one time.

There's birds everywhere.
He don't get nothing.

I got 23 daggum birds.

And I go,
"What's wrong with you?"

He goes, "I don't think
I'm throwing the dog up
high enough."

LARRY: What the hell?

And we ended up getting
thrown out of the zoo
over the whole deal.

I mean, it was unbelievable.

I didn't know them penguins
could fly like that.

They pretty good.

Them people,
the anti-gunners,
irritate me.

But I'm gonna
tell you something.

I was reading
in the paper the other day,

there was an article
in there said,

"Cholesterol kills more people
in this country than guns."

Tell you what,
they want to save lives,

they ought to put
a seven-day waiting period
on Popeye's chicken.

That's what...
I tell you right there.

LARRY: That's right.

That's right.

That's what's
killing folks, right there.

"I want a bucket of chicken."
"Fill out these forms."

And PETA irritates me.
I got three words for PETA,

chicken fried steak.

That's right, I like that.
I like meat.

I tell you,
that's good food, right there.

That is good food.

That's right.
I like eating meat.

I like rump roast.
You ever eat that?

I was eating rump roast
one time,
I said to my butcher,

I said,
"Why do they call rump roast
'rump roast'?"

He said, "Nobody'd eat it
if they named it 'cow ass.'"

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

I like getting
all my hunting stuff
at the Bass Pro Shops.

That's where you get all...
That's a good store,
ain't it?

LARRY: Git-R-Done,
that's right.

I like that.

They trying to get
more women shoppers
in there now,

so they just opened up
a Victoria's Secret
at our Bass Pro Shop

a while back,
and, oh, it's nice.

I got my wife
some crotchless waders.

Yeah.

Some beef jerky,
edible under-britches.

I bought so much stuff,

they even threw in
a French Tickler
with a scope on it.

I like doing
all that shopping stuff.
I enjoy it.

Wal-Mart's my favorite store
to go to.

I like the Wal-Mart.
That's right.

All the uptight,
political correct folks,
they don't like Wal-Mart.

They don't pay good wages
at Wal-Mart.

Well, I got an idea.
Don't work at
freaking Wal-Mart.

How's that sound, right there?

Yes, I like...
Well, you can get

anything you want
at the Wal-Mart.

They just opened up
in our Wal-Mart
two dentists' offices.

We did.
I ain't kidding with you.

Lying, crying,
I ain't shed a tear.

We got two dentists' offices
in there.

Got a regular dentist
and an express dentist

for folks with 15 teeth
or less in there.

We got the whole deal.

The whole deal in there.

You ever see
the door greeters in there?

Good Lord.

Wal-Mart been
around since, what?
1950s, 1960s?

The door greeter
been in there
since 1852 in there.

And you walk in,
you know, he's like,

"Can I get you a buggy?"

Boy, if you ever
robbed a Wal-Mart,

one thing you
ain't got to say is,

"Nobody move!"

You ever shop at the Wal-Mart
after 2:00 a.m.?

It's almost everybody in there
got some sort of
leg disease or something.

It's almost like the Wal-Mart

turns into
the Monty Python's Ministry
of Silly Walks

after 2:00 a.m.

Good Lord, look at that guy
on aisle two over there.

Hell, look at that guy
by the ice cream.

Good Lord, let's get
the hell out of here,

let's get the hell out of here.

LARRY: What's going on
at the Wal-Mart in here?

Hey,
did you ever say something
to somebody at the Wal-Mart,

and then after you said it
you thought,

"Shouldn't have said that."

I do that every trip in there.

But there was this feller,
standing in line there.

Evidently busted his neck.
Had one of them halos.
You ever see that?

Look like a scaffold
around the head.

It's bolted into your temples?

Well, this dude go like this.

I go, "What's wrong with you?"
He goes,

"Think I lost my car key."

I said, "You'd lose your head
if it wasn't screwed on."

(LAUGHING)

Was that wrong?

'Cause I was really laughing
after I said that,
I got to tell you.

Oh, this is embarrassing.

I was bagging my own groceries

at the grocery store
the other day
'cause it was busy,

and some old woman come up
and patted me on the head

and said,
"I think it's wonderful
they hire people like you."

I was like, "Thank you."

(LARRY LAUGHS)

Then I wet my pants
and run her over
with my cart,

that's what I did.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I'll tell you,
my favorite store
is the Home Depot.

I like that store, right there.

That's a good store.
That's a big store in there.
Good Lord.

I'm glad they sell hot dogs
on the way in.

You may need
something to survive on
if you get lost in there.

But the worst thing
about them hot dogs
at the Home Depot

is they go right through you.

Good Lord,
I had a couple of bites
of the wiener dog in there,

and I had a brown snake
playing peek-a-boo

with my butt crack in there
at Home Depot.

It ain't funny.

I'm walking like this
through the Home Depot
in there.

Looked like
the March of the Penguins
in there.

All I could think of
was that commercial,
"What can brown do for you?"

You know what I mean?
That's all I thought.

What can brown do for me?

Make me look like a jackass
at the Home Depot,
what it do for me.

Then I had to stand there
with my butt cheeks
squished together like this,

hoping nothing would
shoot out of there,

act like I'm looking
at something, you know.

You ever do that?
You be playing
a game or something?

It hits you
and you're like, "Oh, Lord."

You know that
people are like,
"Larry, get over here!"

"Hold on, I'm looking at this
weird bug over here.

"I ain't never
seen a bug like this
in my whole life.

"Oh, that's a big bug."

But do me a favor,
if you ever go
to the Home Depot,

tell them idiots
in the plumbing department

to mark it better
that them toilets

is for display purposes only
in there.

Good Lord, I felt like an idiot

going to the toilets
on them stools in there.

But the good news is,
somebody's gonna get a plunger
half price, all right?

That's the good news.

So there's a silver lining
in everything in this world.

Hey, did you ever
read that story
about the feller

that glued his hind end
to the toilet seat?

You read that?

Some feller goes into Home Depot

and there were
some kids in there,
pranksters.

And what they done is
they put some industrial glue
on the toilet lid.

Well, this feller don't know,
and he walks in there

to take the Browns
to the Super Bowl,

and he sits down on this stool

and glues his hind
end to the toilet lid.

And he sued Home Depot.

And... But he didn't sue
'cause he got glued
to the seat,

he sued 'cause nobody'd
come in there quick enough
and help him.

Well, who in their right mind
is gonna help
somebody like that?

What would you do,
you go into Home Depot

and hear somebody in there
and see his feet.

Yeah, oh, yeah. Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Help me!

Help me!

I can't get off.
Help me get off.

You ain't going in there,
either, I guarantee.

They ended up having to cut
the whole stool

out of the floor
and put him on a wood cart,

still sitting
in the fecal position,

(LARRY LAUGHS)

and wheel him out
of the Home Depot,

in front of God
and every shopper in there.

That's a pathetic one-man parade

right there, I'll tell you what.

Looked like he was crowned
king of the Home Depot poopers
in there.

How you all doing?
Good to see you.
How are you? Good to see you.

Hi, everybody.
Here's a Tootsie Roll.

Take some Tootsie Rolls
for the kids.

How are you? Good to see you.
What's going on?

But the thing
that irritated me was,

it was the Home Depot,
for Pete's sake.

You mean to tell me
out of that big old
25-acre store,

they didn't have one item
to unglue him
from a toilet seat?

That's pathetic.

And that's why I poop at Lowe's.

Git-R-Done.
Thanks so much, everybody.
I appreciate it.

(WHISTLING)

That's right, thank you.

All right.

What do you say
we bring the boys back out?

Mr. Bill Engvall!

(WHISTLING)

Mr. Jeff Foxworthy!

Mr. Ron "Tater Salad" White!

(WHISTLING)

(WHOOPING)

ENGVALL:
Well, looky there, boys.

We got... we got stool men now.

You know what, it's funny.
We travel
all over the country,

and we all been doing this
for a number of...

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

I never considered you
a spinner.

This is the same guy,
yesterday afternoon,
we're at the Lincoln Memorial,

and he said,
"I had no idea
he was that big."

And Bill said,
"He's not even standing up."

You know, we travel
all over the country
doing these shows and stuff.

And it's funny,
being a comedian,

people always
come up to you, they go,
"Hey, tell me a joke."

Which is weird,
'cause nobody
walks up to a plumber

and says,
"Hey, fix my toilet."

So I thought
what'd be fun is,
you know,

do what we do every night.
Like, we finish a show.

And you're jacked up
from the show,

you can't go to bed,
so we sit around
down at the bar,

or Waffle House or whatever,
and we just tell jokes
to each other,

and I thought it might be fun

if we tell our favorite jokes
tonight.

All right.
Yeah.

Yeah, just joke jokes.
You guys...

All right.

Err, I got to tell you,
I'm dizzier than hell here.

Uh...

The doctor says to this feller,

"You got...
I got bad news
and worse news."

He says,
"Oh, what's the bad news?"

He says,
"You got 24 hours to live."

He says,
"What's the worse news?"

"I forgot to
call you yesterday."

All right,
I got a 24-hour-to-live one.

Guy gets up
in the morning, 6:00 a.m.,
goes to the doctor,

the doctor tells him
he's got 24 hours to live.

I bet this is the same doctor.

Y'all want to sit
next to each other?

So, that night
when the guy's going to bed,

he tells his wife, he said,
"I've only got
a few hours left."

He said,
"I want to make love to you

"just as many times
as I possibly can."

And so they do it once,
twice, three times.

And then they fall asleep.

Well, about 4:30
in the morning,

the guy taps his wife
on the shoulder,

he goes,
"I want to make love to you
one more time."

And she goes,
"You know, that's easy
for you to say, Jerry.

"You don't have to
get up in the morning."

It's a different joke.

That's good.

Ronnie,
you got a joke?
Nope.

ENGVALL: All right.

His mind's like a lazy Susan.
If you'll just bear with us,

it'll come back around here
in just a minute.

This guy's taking
flying lessons.
He's talking to his buddy,

and he says,
"The first day in the air

"the instructor informs me
he's an eighth-degree
black belt

"and a homosexual,

"and if I don't succumb
to his sexual advances

"I have to jump
out of the plane."

And his buddy goes,
"Well, did you jump?"

And the guy goes,
"Yeah. A little at first."

I like that.

This woman goes to the doctor
and says she's got
a digestive tract problem,

and the doc says,
"Well, tell me about
your daily routine."

She says,
"Well, I get up
at 6:15 every morning,

"I make my family breakfast,
and at 8:15,
I have a bowel movement."

He goes,
"Well, let's take a x-ray
and see what the problem is."

So he takes an x-ray and goes,
"Well, there's the problem
right there.

"You got three worms in you.
We're gonna have to operate."

First worm goes,
"Did you hear that?"

Second one says, "Yes, I did."
He goes,
"What are you gonna do?"

He goes,
"Well, I'm gonna hide
behind the heart."

Other worm says,
"Well, I'll hide
behind the liver."

And the third one says,
"I don't know
about the rest of you fellas,

"but I'm catching
the 8:15 out of here."

That's funny.
All right,
let me try one more, here.

All right.

One more, here. All right.

FOXWORTHY: Guess the show
is running a little long
for some of us.

LARRY: All right.
I didn't know it was gonna

take this long, sorry.

This feller goes
hunting with his buddy,
and he got the scope up

and he goes, "Oh, my Lord,

"I can see your house from here,

"and your wife's cheating on you

"with another feller."
He says,
"I've had it with her."

"Shoot her in the head
and shoot him
in the private parts."

And he said,
"I'll get that in one shot."

(WHISTLING)

I got to admit,
the preacher told me that
last week.

This guy's mother-in-law
comes to live with him.

And she's been living there
for about a week.

And he comes home one day
and she's laying
on the floor.

And he calls 911
and the ambulance
comes and gets her

and they take her
to the hospital,

and he's out in the waiting room

and the doctor
comes out after a while
and the doctor said,

"Well, I got some good news
and some bad news."

Guy said, "All right, well,
give me the bad news first."

He goes, "All right.
Your mother-in-law
is not gonna die."

He said,
"She's had a massive stroke."

He said, "In fact,
she's probably gonna live
20 or 30 more years."

He said,
"The problem is, this thing

"has rendered her
unable to speak."

He said,
"She just makes this horrible

"screeching noise
like a parrot now."

He said, "It's also

"disabled her
from using her arms
and she can't feed herself."

He said,
"For the next 20 or 30 years,

"you're gonna have to feed her
baby food three times a day."

He said,
"Also, it's made her
incontinent.

"You're going to have to
change her diapers

"and clean her up
every single day
of your life."

And the guy said, "Oh, my God,"

he said,
"What's the good news?"

And the doctor goes,
"I'm just kidding
with you, she died."

ENGVALL: That's a good one.

Oh, my God.

(WHOOPING)

It ain't right,
but you laughed at it.

Mr. White?
The, uh...

There's a cruise ship
and there's a magician

that works on the ship,
and the captain had a parrot.

And he liked to go
to the show every night.

But the parrot
understood the show,
and because he could talk,

he would give
away everything,
you know?

(SQUAWKING)
"Oh,
he's putting it in his sock."

"He put it up his sleeve."

"It's in his hat."

And the magician
just hated this bird,

and one night he just snapped

and he pulled out a pistol
and he shot the bird

and the bird ducked
and the bullet
hits a propane tank

and blows the cruise ship
to a billion pieces.

The only survivors were
the parrot and the magician,

and they're
floating out in the ocean
on two little pieces of wood,

and the parrot goes,

"All right, I give up,
where's the damn ship?"

All right, I got a ship joke.

Back in the 1800s,
this wooden warship
was out cruising the ocean.

And the guy
in the crow's nest says,

"Captain,
there's an enemy ship
on the horizon."

The Captain turns
to his assistant and says,

"Bring me my red shirt."

"All right."

He goes and gets his red shirt.

The Captain puts it on,
the battle ensues.

It goes all day long,
and they don't lose
one sailor.

About 10 minutes later
the assistant comes up
to the Captain and says,

"Hey, I got to
ask you something."

And he says,
"Before the battle started,

"you said,
'Bring me my red shirt.'"

And he goes,
"Why a red shirt?"
And he goes,

"Because if
I happened to be shot,
and was bleeding,

"the crew would not notice
the blood

"and they will continue
to fight on."

And he goes,
"Wow, that's awesome."

Next morning,
the guy in the crow's nest
goes,

"20 enemy ships
on the horizon."

The Captain goes,
"Bring me my brown pants."

(APPLAUSE)

All right, we got to
share this with them. Uh...

We... we've been
on the road for 20 years

just making fun of people
every night.

And so the producers
of the movie

thought it would be
really funny...

They contacted our wives
without our knowing it,

and they got them
to go through
our photo albums,

and to send them pictures of us

that we weren't necessarily
really proud of.

And they've got
a big Rolodex of them,

and so every night
they've been showing us
more and more of them.

So for your amusement,

here are some of
our real-life photos.

ENGVALL: Oh!
FOXWORTHY: Oh!

FOXWORTHY: Ha, ha!

Yeah, baby.

Yes, sir.

Ha! Ha, ha, ha!

FOXWORTHY: Woo-hoo!

ENGVALL: Wait a minute.
Is that... Is... is that shirt
tied in a knot?

Is that a shirt?
I thought it was
a prison mattress.

LARRY: First there was
the Bee Gees,
then came the heebie-jeebies.

That was the look
that killed disco,
right there.

FOXWORTHY:
Where was this taken?

WHITE:
At my apartment complex.
The Bridgeview Apartments.

And there was no bridge
and there was no view.

Looks like...
No, there's a view.

There's a view.

LARRY: Looks like
a stunt double for one of
the dudes in Eight is Enough.

No, he looks like that girl
from One Day at a Time.

ENGVALL: Oh!

(LAUGHING) Oh, my God.

(WHISTLING)

ENGVALL: "Please,
please help me, Captain Hook."

"Help me, Captain Hook."

Dude, you gotta kill your wife.

This is one of Disney World's
least favorite characters.

Fruity.

FOXWORTHY:
Laugh it up, laugh it up.

ENGVALL: Oh!
FOXWORTHY: Oh!

LARRY:
That's when I was doing
Larry, the Cable Girl.

There is more carpet
on your toilet

than there is in
the rest of the house.

His first time ever
using an indoor toilet,
Larry lost a foot.

That toilet was used a lot.

We got a restrictor plate
on that toilet.

Is that two scales
in this bathroom?

LARRY:
My sister's pretty big,
I'll tell you that much.

We had to total it up.
They only went to 300 each.

FOXWORTHY: Ah!

LARRY: Here's your sign.

FOXWORTHY:
Is this one of the stories
that includes the phrase,

"And then we started
drinking tequila?"

What you don't know
is the pool's empty.

FOXWORTHY:
And probably cleaner
than Larry's toilet.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(WHOOPING)

I'm getting a divorce.

ENGVALL: That look has
the look of this,
"I have got to fart so bad."

FOXWORTHY: Looks like
the assistant manager
at the Lazy Eye Institute.

Can I help you?

That's the originator
of the website

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

WHITE: Guess
what's under the cake?

FOXWORTHY: Not a whole lot.

Larry always found it easier
to pick up chicks
in his Pep Band T-shirt.

You were in the Pep Band?

I know. I caught flak,

people calling me
a sissy and a pansy,
but I loved the baton.

I always have.

ENGVALL: Oh, my God.

FOXWORTHY: The couch
is like something from
the Jimi Hendrix collection

at Sears, too.

That ain't no couch.
That's my sister
taking a nap right there.

FOXWORTHY: Oh, God.
ENGVALL: Oh, God almighty.

WHITE: (IN DEEP VOICE) "Son,
if you play your cards right,

"this Chrysler K-car
will be yours."

You know,
I knew I left something out
of the redneck fashion tips.

It was the denim
one-piece jumpsuit.

I remember the one thing
you didn't want to get

while you was wearing that
was the runs,

'cause you couldn't get it off.

Look like Shaun
Cassidy's stand-in
or something.

Evel Gay-nievel.

WHITE: She had great legs.

If you'd have seen the legs
on this chick,

you'd have gone,
"Well, you know, maybe."

Ah, the senior prom.

You know that joke I did
about the long balloons

four days after
the birthday party?

Oh, that's beautiful.

ENGVALL: I think it's great
the way they cut

the walker
out of the picture there.

That's my grandmother,
you better watch out.

Oh, I'm sorry.

FOXWORTHY: Uh-oh!

LARRY: Hey,

Jeff gets ready for
a two-month prison sentence

and practices
while sitting on a door lock.

WHITE: I'm actually kind of
wondering why you left
the one-piece jumpsuit out

of your fashion tips now.

Looks to me
like you got one on there,
Jeffie.

(ENGVALL EXCLAIMING)

ENGVALL:
Talk about having money.

All these years
you never shared with us

that you were
employed at Wendy's.

Well, you know,
you keep jobs like that
under wraps.

You don't want people to,
you know,
feel bad about themselves.

FOXWORTHY:
Who is the guy in the window?

WHITE: (LAUGHING)
That's the manager.

FOXWORTHY: He looks like,
like two minutes earlier
he said,

"All right,
if you're gonna fart,
go out in the parking lot."

I had a cheeseburger
tucked up under my hat there.

ENGVALL: Oh.

Now, that... that picture
meant a lot to me.

LARRY: Explain that.
ENGVALL:
We were on a band trip,

and we went to New Orleans.

This is...
That's the closest you got

to a naked woman
as a teenager, wasn't it?

What is today?

This is actually Bill
with his first tromboner.

What instrument
did you play, Bill?

Trom... Trombone.

FOXWORTHY: Well,
they got your mom's picture
in the window.

That's nice, too.

Put me through college.

WHITE:
If they would've put that
on a bottle of Scotch,

they'd have found me
a lot sooner.

FOXWORTHY: Your head and
the orange are the exact
same shape, look at that.

I think I was
a good-looking kid.

ENGVALL: "Erlene,
get back in the trailer now."

And people always ask,

"Where do you come up
with them redneck jokes at?"

WHITE: What look were you
going for here, Jeffie?

We were trying to
make funny pictures
where we pulled our pants low

and, you know, your shirt
where it made you look like

you were real long-waisted
or something.

Good God.

You're an idiot.

Wait. I take that back.

You're an idiot.

WHITE: This girl
is not gonna smile
until the check clears.

WHITE: (LAUGHING)
You are having way more fun
than she is.

Larry celebrates the arrival
of his first blow-up doll.

More wine coolers!

Who is that?

LARRY: I don't know,
but she had a tattoo
on her hind end said,

"Downgrade,
watch for other truckers."

LARRY: Hey.

Look at his shorts.
It really is a small world
after all.

Look at that.

I don't want to say nothing,
but you work
a consistent look.

I was trying all kind
of different stuff, you know?

Not... not... not really.

No.

What happens
at the family reunion
stays at the family reunion.

ENGVALL: "What do you mean
you want cab fare?"

The best part of this,
you have put a blanket

over to protect
the good Naugahyde
on the chair there.

It was a nice place.

LARRY: I like his Daisy Pukes.

No, they...
No, they doctored that up.

Oh, yeah.

Just find a good spot
and let the boys come to you.

ENGVALL:
Do you see what I mean
about the consistent look?

No, they...
no, they did that to that.
I had the...

What's... Oh yeah, yeah,
they did something to it.

They, yeah.

ENGVALL:
What's with the glasses?

WHITE: You look at that photo
and the glasses bother you?

What about the two sailors
in assless chaps?

WHITE:
Did you notice them, Bill?

He's got a point.

(ALL SCREAMING)

ENGVALL: Oh, my God.

That's when Larry was
the casting director
for the movie Babe.

It's such a cute
daggum sheep, though.

LARRY: Look at it.
Look at that face.

How could you not love that?

Room service,

I'm gonna need some beers

and a bag of oats.

You guys have been great.
God bless you.
Thank you so much.

Thank you very much.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

♪ I look back
on the good times ♪

♪ We've had out on the road ♪

♪ We traveled a million miles
and done a thousand shows ♪

♪ And the nights
we had together ♪

♪ Just kinda burn
into my mind ♪

♪ It reminds me of the time ♪

♪ Like the night in Colorado
when the bus broke down ♪

♪ Bill and Jeff had to walk
three miles to some old town ♪

♪ Grab a ride
and make a phone call ♪

♪ Man,
we barely made the show ♪

♪ It's just one more
for the road ♪

♪ Thank you for the memory ♪

♪ I wouldn't change a thing ♪

♪ But I wish I had a dollar ♪

♪ For every time
my phone rings ♪

♪ At 4:30 in the morning ♪

♪ And it's Ron
stuck at the bar ♪

♪ Wondering if I knew where
he might've parked his car ♪

♪ Or that night when
Larry's spit-cup ♪

♪ Got put into the fridge ♪

♪ Bill took a big old drink,
he thought that Coke was his ♪

♪ And he spent
the next three hours ♪

♪ Like he drank water
in Mexico ♪

♪ It's just one more
for the road ♪

♪ 20 years' worth of stories ♪

♪ Rolling through
these towns ♪

♪ Shutting every honky-tonk
and cracker-barrel down ♪

♪ Now it's us four
on a barstool ♪

♪ Swapping jokes
and telling lies ♪

♪ It's time to go,
let's Git-R-Done ♪

♪ And do this one last time ♪

♪ 'Cause I need one more
for the road ♪

♪ Before we have to go ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't know
the next time
we'll be coming back ♪

♪ To all our fans
from town to town ♪

♪ We thank you
for coming down ♪

♪ And then one more
for the road ♪

♪ All good things
come to an end ♪

♪ So before we have to leave,
my friend ♪

♪ Let's have one more
for the road ♪

♪ Just one more for the road ♪

♪ One more for the road ♪