Bloodsucking Bastards (2015) - full transcript

Well, this is pretty much
the grossest thing I've ever seen.

No, ma'am. It's actually
a lot better than that.

Let me... let me pull something up
on my computer really fast.

Oh, there it is.

Did you know that nine
out of ten doctors recommend this

as the only way to quit smoking?

Can you hold on a second? Fuck you!
Fuck! Fuck you. Fuck you, fucker.

- Hey, Tim.
- Oh, hey, Evan.

Have you guys put together the numbers
for Friday's presentation yet?

- What presentation?
- Phallusite. Phallusite presentation.

Phallusite... is that
the bigger dick thing pill...



Natural male enhancement, yeah.

- Right. Does that thing even work?
- It totally works.

- I heard it turns your junk green.
- It still works.

Doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter if it works.

All that matters is that we land
the account, all right?

And then I can remove "acting"
from acting sales manager.

- I'm on it, man. You can count on me.
- Thank you.

Pick it up. Pick up the gun.

- They never...
- Tim.

- Tim.
- I'm on a sales call.

Ma'am, listen, if you're not
gonna buy this, I'm gonna...

- You're gonna die.
- Shit!

- Boo! Tagged your ass, pussy.
- You, too? Mike, get to work.

- You owe me 50 bucks.
- Shit!



Hey, can I borrow 50 bucks?

Hey, Evan. Sorry to be a nudge,
but you wouldn't happen to have

that $20 you owe me for the NCAA
tournament pool, would you?

Yeah, yeah, sure. Sorry.

It's been such a bear
collecting from people.

Kinda short on cash this month. My cat
has a cleft palate he needs surgery for.

He's constantly lapping milk
into his eyes. It's really tragic.

Hey, bada-bada-bada...

- That's baseball, dumb ass.
- I'm sorry. Did I fuck up the rules

of this well-defined and professional
sport that we just came up with?

Yeah, I'm just saying that this
is clearly a basketball throw.

Okay, but I'm sure someone
has thrown a baseball like that...

Yeah, nobody has ever thrown a baseball.

- In the history of baseball...
- No adult male has.

In the history of baseball,
major league baseball...

- Can I help you?
- Yes, thank you, actually.

I'm supposed to be working
with Evan Sanders today.

- Yeah, he comes in at 9:30.
- It's 10:45.

- Look, you can actually see it vibrate.
- Because there's more than one element.

So is Evan here
or should I grab a cubicle...

You'll know when he gets here, okay?
He'll start bugging you for shit.

Now, if you need something to do,
you can get me coffee.

- Aren't you already drinking...
- Hey, sport. You see that garbage over there?

Why don't you grab it and throw it
in the dumpster in the garage.

- Don't we have a janitor who can do that?
- Yeah, well, his time's valuable.

- Goodbye!
- All right.

Bye!

Don't waste those.

- Five-five. This is it.
- That's the one.

- This is the one. I can feel it.
- All right. All right.

Yes!

Identify yourself, soldier.

I'm Jack, the new intern.

I'm just taking out the trash.

- Don't we have a janitor for that?
- You do.

- Jerry.
- Frank.

Follow protocol.

It's my first day.

Thanks for pitching in.

- Screws up his equilibrium.
- What's up, dildos?

Hey there, Andrew.
Sorry to be a Pokety Paul, but...

you wouldn't happen to have that money
you owe me for the NCAA pool, do you?

- Didn't I lose that thing?
- It's not about that. It's about office fun.

My cat's got a cleft palate,
is allergic to some types of air.

- Hey, Mike.
- Fuck off!

All right. A little early
for that kind of language,

but tomorrow works for me too, buddy.

- All right, well, see you.
- See you, Dave.

Real nice, guys. No one pays Dave,
he's gonna stop running the pools.

No, he's not. It's the only way
anyone ever talks to the guy.

Tim... I thought you were working
on the Phallusite presentation.

What's Phallusite?

You kidding me?
Have you guys done any work today?

No.

- Hey, boys.
- Hey!

Damn! For head of HR,
you look fucking sexy.

Too kind, too kind.

- Mandy, can we please talk?
- Don't call me Mandy.

Andrew, how was your weekend?

- It was good. I banged my neighbor.
- Finally. All right!

Wait, you're talking about
the hot Ukrainian chick?

It was actually her mom.

- That's decent. Proud of you.
- Mandy.

Please, can we talk privately?
Just somewhere else.

Why? This is a corporate break room.

Since we just have
a business relationship,

then... whatever it is
that you need to say to me,

you can say in front of all of our
business associates. Right?

Okay, fine. All right.
Look, what happened... What I...

I should have said, okay, is that...

Hey, congratulations on that NCAA pool.

Yeah, thanks. You know, I actually
hate Duke, but they win, so...

Well...

You guys have a great day.

Except for you.
Hope yours is a horrible piece of shit.

- Well, not if yours isn't first.
- Right.

Hey, I don't want to overstep
my bounds, but what the fuck?

- Jesus!
- I don't want to talk about it.

Okay, that was just really
uncomfortable, that was like...

I will. I know the story.
I'll totally talk about it.

So, they're together.
Just the two of them, right?

Evan.

I love you.

No.

How could you just say no?

You could have said anything else,
like literally anything.

I can't even wrap my brain
around the way, like, you would say no.

Fire! This could have been the one time

- you could have said fire.
- No.

You could've called her a bitch,
and that would have been better.

- Just silence, just...
- No.

You could have spoken in tongues.
You could have...

- Not even English. German!
- Nein.

I get it, okay. I get it. I understand.

Yes, I screwed up.
I understand that, okay?

It just kind of came out, guys.
I don't know what happened.

I just screwed up.

You did screw up, man.
She is the coolest girl ever.

I mean, remember when she kicked
all of our asses at paintball?

- Why did she have all that camo on her face?
- Unreal.

Honestly, I bet dating her
is like dating a guy.

Who is like a hot chick
that has a... you know, like a penis.

So, not a girl?

No, still a girl.
Did you not listen to what I just said?

- All right.
- No, it's a hot girl with a beautiful penis...

but she's still... she's still a chick.
She just has guy parts.

- I get where you're going.
- It's a feminine penis.

What if it was a guy with a vagina?

He makes a good point.

- I'm an idiot.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

You know, you and me,
a couple of margaritas.

- That is so offensive.
- Why? That isn't racist.

I know it's not racist.
I like margaritas.

I'm just offended
that you think I would date you.

Has anyone seen Andrew? Andrew!

Hey, Andrew, could you please get
your phone? It's ringing off the hook, man.

Probably one of my...
man-like 15 female suitors.

- Your suitors are man-like?
- No, no, no. I mean, man-like man!

Not man like man-like. You know,
man like man-like...

Stop saying "man-like."
Could you get your phone?

It's probably a sales call.
Probably a business-related sales call.

I'll give you
the business-related later.

I'll talk to him, okay?

I heard what happened
with you and Amanda breaking up.

Oh, you heard about that?

Yeah, well, she's the head of HR,
and she put out a memo.

- I...
- All right.

Andrew, get the phone!

- Evan. Can I bend your ear?
- Yeah. Hey.

How's the presentation coming?
You're gonna be ready by Friday?

Yeah, Friday. Yeah, sure, Ted. Yeah.

Yeah, we need this account, Evan.

Sales have been bad,
but if we land this fish,

- you'll save all our asses.
- Yeah.

I know male enhancement isn't the most
glamorous product in the world but...

No. My sources tell me
it works actually.

Tell me if you need anything, 'cause
it's all hands on deck on this one.

Yeah.

I'm making a pretty big
announcement today

about the next phase
of our company's future.

I need to know you're gonna be
a team player, no matter what.

- Yeah. Yeah, Ted. You can count on me.
- Okay.

- My office, ten minutes.
- All right.

Hey, guys. Guys, guess what? I think
Ted's gonna make me sales manager.

Bam! Snap!

What?

Bam, snap. It's like,
a new catchphrase I'm trying.

- Yeah, it's not really working.
- It's a work in progress.

- I love it.
- Thank you, Mike.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
- I'm still working on the inflection but...

- Ted's office in 10.
- It's a catchphrase.

- I feel like everyone needs one in the office.
- Yeah, it's good though.

Yeah. We really need to start
bringing fruit into this.

- We can eat it.
- I'm not ready for fruit.

Hey, Amanda. Mandy. Amanda.

Sorry. Sorry to bother you,
but Ted wants everyone in his office.

He's got an announcement
to make, I guess.

- Okay, got it.
- Okay.

I think he's gonna make me
sales manager.

- Is that so?
- Yeah. Finally get that promotion.

It's kinda crazy. I can't believe it.
It is so adult. Manager, you know?

I feel like it was just, you know,
yesterday when we were kids, just...

laughing and just saying stupid stuff.

And now, we're looking after the kids.

Right? You know, I was listening
to NPR this morning.

They were talking about
the monogamy of gibbons, and...

it's just the cutest thing
I've ever seen. Or heard.

It was on the radio, but they had
these sound bites, you know?

A little chirping, you know.
These sweet monkey nothings...

Evan, I have some things to do.

- So if you'll excuse me.
- Yeah, I'm gonna... Okay.

- Check in five.
- Right.

So, I'm sorry to say...

without major improvements, we're gonna
have to start laying some people off.

Mike!

It's time for a change.

Corporate thinks we need
an official sales manager again.

And I couldn't agree more.

So I'm proud to announce
our new manager of sales,

Max Phillips.

No, no, no. Not Max.

Who the hell is Max?
What the hell is going on right now?

Max, Evan and I went to college together.
It's kind of a long story.

- Hey, Evan.
- Sup?

- That wasn't a long story.
- No.

Did I mention that Max
slept with Evan's girlfriend,

so Evan had Max kicked out
of school for cheating,

- so Max punched Evan in the face?
- No. You skipped all that.

Question...

- What do we sell here?
- Shake weights.

- Power mustaches.
- The Abinatrix.

- No, Michael. We sell dreams.
- He knows my name.

Sales is... seduction.

And when you seduce,

do you say, "I have a 401k"?

Or "I floss"? No.

You say...

"I love you."

Because people make decisions
from the heart.

If you wanna sell a bunch of useless crap
to fat losers in Alabama

and bored housewives in Iowa,
feed their dreams.

Convince them.

Their lives can transcend
the pointless slog of being human.

Give them hope, open their eyes...

to something...

bigger.

Sink your teeth
into their poor pathetic lives.

And give them life.

And better abs.

Our goal for this month is...

one million dollars in sales.

It's aggressive, yes,
but I'm confident we can hit it.

And if we don't, Ted and I
have already agreed...

we'll be forced to kill all of you.

So you better do what he says.

So, come on, let's get out there
and get selling.

- What the hell, Ted?
- Now, hold on a minute.

No one ever promised you that job.

Oh, yeah, I know, but Max Phillips?

He's got an MBA.
He's got a great track record.

He comes highly recommended. He has
some very interesting ideas for new hires.

Honestly, we're lucky to have him.

How did you... Of all...

Now, this isn't gonna be
a problem, now, is it?

- You working for Max?
- No. No! Of course not, I just...

I would've liked a legitimate crack at
the job before you brought in someone else.

Look...

I like you, Evan. I really do.

I mean, you show up
for work on time. You work hard.

- You legitimately give a shit.
- Thank you. I do!

It's like I used to tell the bench players
back when I coached football,

"The most important people in the team
are the ones who make the starters try."

Now, you get out there. There you go.

Thank you, Jerry.

Those are the employee files
I requested?

Yes, I think so. It might be helpful
if you were a little more specific

- about exactly what it is you're looking for.
- Listen, Amanda...

I know you and Evan have a history,
and I know that you care about him.

I'm the head of HR.

So, it's highly inappropriate
for me to discuss this before...

Sure, sure, sure. I'll tell you what.

After I settle in, you and I can...

schedule some one-on-one
and get to know each other.

Yeah, that sounds nice.

Hey, buddy.

Just a little HR talk. Thanks, Mandy.
We'll circle back...

Where are you taking Fuzz Aldrin?

Fuzz Aldrin, the janitor has... Why?

Long time no see. Am I right?

Listen, Evan. I know you and I
had a little falling out.

But as far as I'm concerned...

water under the bridge. Ancient history.

- Okay, good...
- It's all about the company now, right?

- Wait...
- I knew I could count on you.

This is mine...

Boom Shaka laka.
Who's the noob now, bitch?

Oh, now you wanna be a little kid.
Okay. Well, you can cry all night long

'cause you just got your ass whupped
by a grownup with a big-ass dick.

I'm gonna kill you.

Yeah.

Yeah. No, I'mma fuck you up.

I'm gonna fuck... you up.

Yeah, I see you. Fuckin' eat that shit.

Hi.

Jesus, man! You gotta fucking warn
someone before you do that.

Office hours are over.

Yeah, high-speed internet's free, and Elaine
left her Souplantation in the fridge.

So, velvet rope off
this motherfucker right here

because this is gonna be
my own personal club tonight.

- Okay.
- And I'm gonna be dialing up some Youjizz

and busting out some knuckle children
in a couple of minutes,

so unless you wanna mop me up here
and here and here and a little bit here

- and some over here...
- I'll go take a smoke break.

Oh, yeah, I'm back.
Oh, are the tears back?

Good. Yeah, take that.

I hear the tears already coming.

What the shit?

I'm gonna go take a dump now.

If anyone wanna steal something
from this company,

I'd be gone way too long
to do anything about it.

Hilarious, man.

Turning the lights out
on the guy in the shitter, man.

You must be some kind
of a prank savant, right?

All right, man. Whoever's
doing this better knock it off.

Colonel Sanders.

Still hilarious. Hey, is Mike here already?
His car is in the parking garage.

- That's a negative, sir.
- Do you know who Mike is?

- That's a negative, sir.
- How do you know he's not here?

I unlocked the doors myself at 0600, and no
unfamiliars have penetrated my perimeter,

I've been on full alert.

So, full alert?

I believe I know this cat, sir.

Okay... at ease or carry on.

Nah, I must be dreaming.

Max called me at 6 a.m.
this morning to come in early.

I haven't been up before dawn
since straight is great camp.

What?

I wasn't gay. They just had
a really good archery program.

All right. So you've told me.

This situation sucks, dude. I mean,
we gotta do something about this, right?

I mean, can you believe how much
they've screwed us here?

Us?

Yeah. I mean, I was all ready
for you to become sales manager.

I wanted that for you, man.
Because what's better than having

- your best friend as your boss?
- Yeah.

Now then... I mean, I would've
gotten away with everything.

But now...

I mean, you get me, man. You know?

You allow me to be me in the workplace.

- Useless slacker.
- Exactly.

- Worthless.
- Yeah.

- Gotta have one.
- I mean, look at me, man.

Look at me.

Our perfect routine...

is broken.

Yeah, you... you are
the real victim here.

I know.

But hey, man. You got hosed too, kinda.

By the way...

No. No. You gotta be fucking kidding me.
This is my desk now?

Well, officially,
it's still a photoprinter's desk.

But you can share it.

Do I get a chair?

Holy fucking shit!

We're gonna get this place
lean and mean, Theodore.

We are gonna separate the meat
from the tallow. We're going...

Mike is dead.

- Mike is fucking dead!
- What?

Mike is dead in the fucking bathroom.
I went in there, and someone ate his...

I don't know. I just had to go.
I just needed to go.

Jesus Christ,
I'll never take a shit again.

Evan, Evan, slow down. What's up now?

Mike...

He didn't... dead...

The bathroom.

Ted, call security.

I still have to go.

- Hey, Frank, we have to have...
- Code one emergency.

The forty dollars you owe me
for the NCAA tournament pool.

I'd join ya,
but I gotta get these papers.

Wait! Wait, wait, wait.
Don't open the door.

I'm sorry. I just... I need to warn you.

I hope you all have strong stomachs.

Oh, boy. That's disgusting.
I'll clean it again. It's...

What? No.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I...

I am telling you, this stall
was a fucking horror show.

Evan, this isn't some way of stalling
on the Phallusite presentation, is it?

- The what? What?
- The Phallusite presentation.

It's tomorrow. If you're not ready...

No, no. I... I'm not ready
yet, all right? I'm not...

It will be ready, okay? It will...

Mike!

I'll deal with Mike whenever he decides
to roll in to work today.

- You just keep your eye on the ball?
- We're counting on you, slugger.

No. No. What the fuck?

- Permission to speak freely.
- Jesus Christ, Frank.

Can we drop the whole chain
of command bit? I'm just not in the mood.

You were right.
Someone drew first blood.

I need to talk to you.

Evan, if this is about us,
I just can't at work. I have...

Mike is dead.

- What?
- I found him in the men's room.

He was propped up in the stall
like some fucked up marionette.

There was blood everywhere. And then
I went to get help, and he was gone.

Oh, my God. I can't believe you're
seriously doing this right now.

Doing what? Mike was dead
in the bathroom.

- Did anyone else see the body?
- Well, no.

I went to get help and then
when I came back, he was gone.

Jesus! Evan, he's fucking with you.
It's Mike. He's probably doing it as a joke.

Let's not forget
he's a complete asshole, okay?

Yeah, he is kind of an asshole,
but I don't know. This looked pretty real.

Okay. All right, let's... let's consider
the possibilities then.

Option one, somebody murdered Mike,

left him in the bathroom and then moved
the body when you went to get help.

Well, when you put it that way...

Or option two, is that the most
obnoxious prick in the office

who would rather do anything
other than actually work,

played a practical joke on you.

- Okay, now I'm gonna kill him.
- Yeah, well, you've got bigger fish to fry.

Max is cleaning house. Mike was probably
getting fired even before the first stunt.

I have to nail that presentation.

Yeah.

Thank you. Thank you.

- Don't you two have some work to do?
- Not really.

- Dave, right?
- Yeah.

I hear you're the guy to talk to
about office pools. Company sports czar.

It's so weird. I've been trying
to get people to call me that.

- Oh, yeah?
- I should probably quit though.

My cat, Puddles, he gets really jealous
when I spend too much time on,

- his diabetes is acting off.
- Oh, nonsense.

Morale is vital to the health
of any company.

And you make an important contribution.

Let's pop into my man-cave, and you can
give me the Vegas tips on the NBA playoffs

- and dirt on upcoming events, you know?
- Don't hit me.

- Man stuff, all right. Come on.
- All right.

I got all sorts of ideas
for other office pools.

Competitive curling,
fantasy fishing, ant bite...

Dude, the record.

What's up, man. You all right?

I...

I don't know. I don't know.

Right now, I'm just...
trying to avoid getting fired.

That's smart. That's a good plan.

- Welcome to the club, right?
- Right.

I want my $20
for the NCAA tournament pool.

- I told you, man. I...
- No excuses! You gambled, you lost.

- Now pay for your failures.
- You need to chill out, Brian.

I will chill when I have
your $20 as well, Tim.

You have until 5 o'clock.
Don't make me come find you.

Evan, thank you for your thoughtful
and prompt payment.

It shall not be forgotten.

I...

- What the fuck was that?
- I didn't even enter that pool.

Shit. Mike's computer's
password protected.

That's probably a good thing.
There's an insane amount of porn on that.

How the hell am I gonna get
those sales figures?

You mean, you want
all the numbers, like...

Yeah, yeah. The spreadsheets are
on Mike's computer and that's locked, so...

- Oh, you don't have the password?
- No, no. I don't wanna know the password,

so I'm gonna have to rebuild
the excel files from scratch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can totally help, you know.

Especially after what Ted did to you.
That was just so horrible.

- I know. Right? Yeah.
- You must be having such a horrible day.

- So you think you can help me out?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I could totally go down to the basement,
and... grab the files for you downstairs.

That's great. You're a lifesaver, Zabs.
Go do that, and then we'll talk.

- Okay
- Okay. Bye-bye. Bye. Run along.

- God.
- Little help.

Really?

Evan?

Okay.

Oh, shit. I just got this skirt.

Come on.

Please, it's not the world.
It's just one night.

- I have kick ball.
- And you're starting pitcher tonight.

- I'm on that team. I never get to go.
- He's terrible.

- God damn, Tim!
- All right. What do I get if I stay?

My undying gratitude. The respect
and admiration of your peers.

- It's not me.
- Come on, man. Something valuable.

Precious gems. Straight-up cash.

If we land the account, all the Phallusite
you'll ever need, free.

- No.
- Yes.

- You should be in sales.
- Yes!

Why do you care? I... I don't suppose
I should even bother to ask you.

Oh, I can't tonight.
I've got Kelly Clarkson tickets.

Oh, you had been talking about that.

Yeah. I like that Walk Away
song, though, I do.

Boom!

Man! There goes all the burritos.

This is a conventional oven, right?

Well, you know, microwaving
is a pretty inexact science, Tim, so...

You know what?

- Can I be blunt?
- As opposed to how you normally are?

So how long are you planning
on punishing Evan?

Jesus, Tim. I am not talking
to you about this right now.

Yes, you are, Mandy. Damn it.

We are gonna have this conversation
right now. Because, you know what?

Evan is a good guy.
You know it. I know it.

All right? So he made one mistake.
He's human.

Yeah, well... it was
a pretty big mistake, Tim.

What do you want me to say?

Okay, yeah. Evan...
hurt my feelings... a lot.

Well... yeah, I guess that's exactly
what I wanted you to say.

- You said it.
- Well, yeah.

Look, I'm not trying
to pile on to you emotionally...

- Right.
- But look, we all think you're awesome.

Yup, yup. Awesome Amanda.

Dating me is like dating a dude.
It's really great.

- Never heard anyone say that.
- Yeah.

It's not like I was expecting
a fucking proposal, okay?

And this may not have occurred to you,
but it was actually...

really difficult for me to even say...

the "L" word, and please,
do not make a lesbian joke right now.

That seems inappropriate.
I wouldn't have done that.

- You always make lesbian jokes.
- Not in front of lesbians.

Or women, you know,
with lesbian haircuts.

Look.

I wasn't even expecting him
to say it back right away.

But Jesus, Tim. "No?"

Yeah.

He said no. Like what kind
of a response is that?

- Not a positive one.
- Yeah.

It would have...

It would have honestly hurt less
if he just would have said...

nothing at all.

Hey, Evan.

Shit.

Mandy is upset because
I was using the microwave,

and I just didn't understand
how the buttons work,

and I blew up my burrito,
and it was, like, the fourth one.

She wanted to microwave
her salad, I think and...

- We were talking about you.
- Clearly.

Amanda Baron.

Your friends call you Mandy,
but Amanda is better, stronger.

A name with fingernails
I can dig into a man's back.

Interesting observation.

You smell... lust.

I can hear your heart all broken.

- And wet.
- That's really weird, okay?

Evan doesn't deserve you.

Perhaps you just need a woman's touch.

Shouldn't you be answering the phones?

I like your dress.

No money was ever transferred.
You can't just give yourself a checkmark.

I put a checkmark on the board.
That's a sale, man.

Tick-tock, motherfucker.

- Yes. Yes, you can borrow 20 bucks.
- Quick.

So please, just give me
your address and your e-mail

and your Social Security,
and I'll send it out.

Go ahead.

One...

Five o'clock. See you fuckers tomorrow.

Oh, did anybody see which way Dave went?

Hey, but I gave you 20 bucks.

- Evan?
- Oh. Oh. Hi, Elaine, hi.

Sorry. Sorry you lost your job.

Oh, thank you, Elaine.

- All right, man. I'll see you tomorrow.
- Phallusite.

Well, it was worth a shot.

And you can call me Ward Cleaver
'cause I just banged out June.

Nice. You can call me Uncle Ben
because I just nailed May.

Nice.

Hey, we keep this up,
we might not have to sleep here.

Oh, Amen, brother.

Shit. Zabeth only brought up
the hard copies through July.

Can you run downstairs and get August?

- In the basement?
- Yeah.

Man. That place has freaked me out ever
since they found that whimsical gimp mask.

You know, Elaine walked off with that.

Come on, man. Please.
Just go. Think of it as a field trip.

- You don't have to work for one minute.
- Actually, that's pretty good argument.

There you go.

No, no, no, no, no. Don't do it, Evan.

Bad idea.

Fuck that. It was my office
longer than it was his.

Oh, Jesus Christ, Zabeth.
You scared the shit out of me.

What the hell were you even
doing down here?

Oh, shit. Of course.

Ass-hat?

I thought perhaps it was Evan
coming down, but now I see.

Why send a boy to do a man's job?

Well, I couldn't agree more.

The douche-nozzle.

Yeah, I should stop doing that.

You know, I always had
a thing for you, right?

Really?

'Cause I always thought that you
wanted me to die in a car fire.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Why would
my baby think of me like that?

Because you said, "Andrew,
I hope you die in a car fire."

Got some new hires?

Well, that's not a surprise.

You were very specific
to the make, the model, the mileage.

No, no, no, no, no. I was just
wasting my time pining on Evan.

And Evan is just that. A waste.

Oh, Max. You sick fuck.

Okay, come on. Evan's my friend,

and he's the only person
in this office who...

You're right. Fuck that guy.

Well, Tim. I mean...

What? Really?

Oh, what are you doing...

Well...

What? I'm the one person in the office
you haven't made a decision on.

Okay, full disclaimer. There might be
some slight discoloration issues down there,

but if it helps, you can pretend
you're boning the Hulk.

Actually, I don't want to
over promise that. Let's go with Kermit.

Well, well, well.

My buddy Ted will be
very interested in this.

I have severely underestimated
the versatility of Anne Taylor Loft.

Oh, God! You bit my lip.

- Do we need a safe word?
- Scream for me.

Okay. You know what?
I'm as kinky as the next guy.

Well, you have Zabeth.

Oh, God! Okay, I took a self-defense class
for women to pick up chicks,

and the shit they teach you
in there is nasty.

Dave? What the hell does he do?

No! Foot stomp, eye gouge, crotch kick.

Excellent suggestion.

Well, that's different.

- Oh, God!
- I will still fuck you if you scream.

What the hell does that mean?

- God!
- I just didn't say when.

All right, Max.

We'll see what Ted
has to say about this.

Oh, man, you would not believe what I...

Are you... son of a bitch!
If you bailed on me...

Andrew?

Dude, if this is another
fucking bit like Mike's...

Run.

Oh, shit! Andrew, you all right?

Okay, okay, hold on. I'm gonna get help.

What the fuck is happening?

Somebody here went to Harvard?

Who the fuck would do this?

Max.

Max.

You... fucking asshole.

Oh, fuck!

Oh, come on

Amanda. Amanda, it's me. I'm at the office
and I just saw Andrew get killed.

And now they're after me,
and I think it's Max.

Oh, gosh, buddy. That hurts my feelings.

I'm sure Amanda is great in a crisis,

but don't you think this call
is more suited to 911?

- What have you done with Amanda?
- I just devoured her...

fabulous Ossobuco.

Who knew Mandy was such
a demon in the kitchen?

Absolutely open another bottle
as long as it's red.

What?

Max, you son of a bitch.
You listen to me, right now!

- Oh, fuck!
- Do I hear banging?

On your end. I mean, there's
no banging happening here, yet.

Wait, are you on my phone?

It's Evan calling to tell us he's absolutely
crushing the presentation tomorrow.

Do you want to talk to him?

No. No, it's okay.

- Amanda!
- Sorry, buddy. You're stuck with me.

God damn it, Max. I swear to God,
if you lay one finger on her...

I think you better focus
on your own problems, bro.

But I'll give Amanda your best.

Actually, I'll give her mine.

- Max, no.
- It's better.

Max! Fuck!

Fuck! Fuck-ety fuck! Fuck!

Situation is suited for 911?

Okay, asshole.

Fuck it. That was stupid.

All right. Where were we?

"Where are we?"

Is the more pertinent question.

- What?
- You...

have beautiful eyes.

We should get started.

We have the whole company
to get through, so...

Don't I know it.

Hey, Ted.

- Mind explaining yourself?
- Ted's here.

I... I don't know. I don't know.

I... was working on the presentation.

And... Oh, my God! Andrew!

"Oh, my God, Andrew," is right. Without him,
today would have been a total disaster.

- What? No, no. Andrew is dead.
- Dead tired after that all-nighter.

The presentation.
Signed, sealed, and delivered.

Andrew, you start prepping
my office for the Phallusite.

I want you to run
this presentation today.

- You got it, boss.
- Bounce.

- Wait, wait... I...
- Evan, what the hell happened to you?

You've always been
a model employee, but I...

I can't overlook a pooch-screwing
this monumental.

Ted. Ted, Ted.

Let's not be hasty. Andrew finished
the job but Evan laid down the groundwork.

Look at this poor fellow.
He was just passed over for a promotion.

He slept in the supply closet,
and he smells like a dead wharf hooker.

- You smell it now?
- He's just having a rough patch.

Let's give him a pass on this one, okay?

I...

Max brought doughnuts.

I would love to tell you about
our exceptional product, Abinatrix.

Abinatrix is 100% natural.

Abinatrix is for everyone of all ages.

Dude, that sucked, man.

Abinatrix is recommended
by most doctors...

No, I don't understand
what the hell is going on.

I did not imagine
all that stuff last night, Tim.

And why the hell did Max save my job?

You know what, man? I thought that
was weird too, but on the plus side,

at least he didn't turn you into
a vampire like everyone else.

- Mom, look, just buy Abinatrix, all right?
- What?

I haven't had a sale all month
and I'm going to get fired.

Dude, what are you doing?
That was going to be my first sale.

Tim! Vampires?

Okay. Well... it's just a few things
I've been noticing here and there.

A shoe?

- That was your evidence?
- Well, I'm not done yet.

Okay, that is significantly weirder
and Zabeth has been acting strangely.

Agreed, but what really convinced me...

Poor, poor, Elaine.

All ginger and no joy.

- I don't... I don't mind.
- Yes, you do.

- Oh, that's...
- I want you.

I am so busy. I can't. I can't.

I'm... I'm a virgin.

You all are.

So basically, I saw Max turn Elaine
into a vampire, ergo...

- Max is a vampire.
- The head vampire, presumably.

Right. This all started
after he got here. It's only logical.

Logical? Oh, there's a part of this story
that you guys think is logical?

Well, maybe not logical, but true.

I don't know what kind of a game you're
trying to play here, but it is not funny

or endearing or working. And you,
you let him drag you into this too?

- I thought you were smarter than that.
- Really?

- And today of all days.
- What day is it?

I knew that you were selfish
and immature, Evan,

but I did not think that you'd commit career
suicide to impress me, it's pretty lame.

Damn it, Amanda! I'm not trying
to commit career suicide.

I'm trying to prevent career homicide!

- Oh, good one.
- Oh, well, yeah, it just came out.

We have to get out of here.

The only thing I have to do
is that Phallusite presentation

because I actually give a shit
about my job, so...

- Touche.
- Wait, wait. How do you explain Andrew?

What about Andrew? He stayed here
all night working. He looks amazing.

- Yeah, he does.
- Exactly!

You don't think that proves
supernatural forces are at work here?

- All right, Evan, I'm done. I'm done...
- What? Amanda! Wait, wait, wait. Wait.

Please, wait.

I know this all sounds crazy. I know.
But please, you have to believe me.

I love you.

No.

So that's what it sounded like.

Fuck it. I don't care
if she hates me forever,

I am not letting the woman I love
get turned into a blood-sucking vampire.

Bam-snap!

What?

Is it just me or is this office
getting darker?

And colder too. Look.

- Okay, it's time we alert the authorities.
- You mean call the cops?

- Yes.
- And tell them what?

I mean, everybody that we want
to report is dead, is here...

- and working.
- Shit.

Or turned to food.

Oh, God! That was Mike's real body.

Grody.

Poor Andrew.

Hey, we did get a bell. Bitchin'.

It's a great idea. I think Max
really listens to what I have to say.

Dave.

Andrew has 14 sales today? Fuck!

He's totally going to win
that Chilli's gift certificate.

We need to get Amanda and we need
to get the fuck out of here.

- Everyone in this office has been turned...
- Well, not everyone.

Come on.

Anybody need anything from the...

break room?

- Colonel Sanders.
- At ease, Soldier.

No, no, no, not at ease. It's war time.

Right, right, right. Yeah. I...

- Attention.
- Attention.

Frank, we need your help, okay?

This is going to sound insane,

but the entire office
has been turned into...

Vampires. Affirmative, sir.

What? What, you know?

- Did I not mention that Frank was there?
- No, Tim. God damn it. No, you didn't.

Sorry, my bad.
We hang out a lot actually.

By the way, how amazing was that
Kelly Clarkson concert last night?

"American Idol?"
More like "American Treasure."

- Her voice literally sings.
- It does sing.

- Her singing sings.
- How did you get home? I blacked out.

This is not what we're here
to talk about.

We need to get upstairs, Frank,
we need your help.

We need to get Amanda
and we need to get the hell...

No, no, no, we can't just go up there.
The place is a den of the undead right now.

We need to arm ourselves.
We need weapons and shit.

I was waiting for you to say that.

I've got just the thing.

- Weapons!
- Okay, okay.

When she came after that second
encore, I was like, "what!"

I almost fainted.

What kills vampires?

- Stakes.
- Yeah.

Anything wooden you can jam
into their heart. Or a sharp blade.

Decapitations work too.

Did you think this was my first vampire?
I'm a licensed security guard.

You don't get this patch without
dusting a few puncture monkeys.

I looked some stuff up on Wikipedia.

- All right, what else? Holy water, garlic?
- I make a really good 40-clove chicken.

But we probably don't have time
for that right now, guys.

- Sunlight. That burns them up.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait. Does it?

Because it's daytime right now and they
don't seem to be too bothered by it.

Correct, but that's because this facility
has a limited number of windows

to minimize visual distractions
and maximize climate control and security.

You're telling me sunlight
does kill vampires,

but we get so little of it in this
fluorescent shithole, that they're just fine?

- Good God, that's depressing.
- Yes, sir, it is.

Sir... I swear to God,

there was an arsenal of immense proportions
in this van this morning.

Someone has violated the sovereignty
of my vehicular transport.

They got your stereo, too.

- Oh, son of a bitch.
- Hey!

Oh, my God! Man, hey, hey.
You can't just... okay, okay.

Listen, we need your help.
All right, this is going to sound insane,

but the entire office
has been turned into...

Vampires, yeah.

- Did everybody know but me?
- Yeah, it seems that way.

Oh, fuck! Oh, my God, you're a vampire!
Holy shit! Max turned the fucking janitor.

That one actually makes sense
if you think about it.

- You're creating a lot of dead bodies...
- Yeah, you got blood.

It's smeared all over the walls. People are
struggling, they're breaking things.

You got vans coming in full of weapons.
You got to clear that out.

Okay, okay, okay. I get it. I get it.
All right, yeah. Great idea.

- He's still a fucking asshole.
- Did you guys really not notice?

He turned me day one.
I've been a vampire this whole...

- I chased you through the cubicles.
- Last night? That was you? That...

It was really dark.
I mean, I was scared.

Look, it's not personal.
We don't know you that well.

You know? I mean, we work upstairs,
we're busy and you...

Well, how about this?

- That's... that's scary, yeah.
- The teeth...

Don't patronize me! God!

Do you even know my name?

Janitor?

Always keep a provisional weapon
on your person.

Wait... where?

In my...

Wikipedia did not mention that.

No, no, no. Okay, okay, wait, wait.

This means that they can die, all right?
You just need to find weapons.

Oh, hey, maybe the janitor put
Frank's weapons in... Oh, God!

Oh, God, how have they not dumped
the bodies yet?

Trash pick up is on Saturdays
unless you make a special request,

but that's like 60 bucks.

Seriously?

God, this fucking company sucks.

I've got towels in my car.

Hi, we're the Phallusite Corporation.
We have a 4 o'clock meeting?

Meeting's canceled.

Go. Go. Go, go, go, go.

Say what you want about Elaine, she always
did stock the shit out of the supply closet.

Bam-snap!

That's growing on me.

What?

- Bam-snap!
- Yeah!

Today, we become men.

- Or vampires.
- Or dead.

God, Frank, what's wrong with you?

It's bull piss.

It's gonna beat your ass.

How many of those do you drink a day?

As many as it takes.

Jeez, anyone that probably takes a bite
out of you is going to be up for a week.

Okay, there's a lot of them.

Let's focus.

We get into Ted's office, we grab Mandy,
we get out of here.

We got your back, Colonel.

Colonel Sanders.

Like the chicken guy.

I just got that.

All right, vam time. Focus.

Okay, okay, okay. No sudden movements,
all right? Just calm careful motions.

Like you're playing Jenga.

So, you know, generally it's got
to be some kind of pass.

- Phallusite people call yet?
- No, not yet.

Maybe they're stuck in traffic.

I don't recognize a lot of these people.

That's the IT guy. There's Marketing.

There's the Customer Service Call center.
I hired everyone in there.

- That is ironic.
- Only if they eat us.

Tim.

What? Oh, did I jinx us? My bad.

- Sanders, what the hell are you doing?
- Have... have you lost your mind?

Amanda, I love you, but you have
no idea what's going on here.

- Now you're saying way too much.
- Tim... Ted, we have a problem.

Max, in addition to being a douchebag,
is also a vampire

and he's turning every one
of your employees from the janitor on up.

By the way,
your neck-biting custodial buddy

is doing his best impression
of a Jackson Pollock painting

- in the parking garage.
- Bam-snap!

Jesus Christ.
Evan, what the fuck have you done?

Do you have any idea how hard it is
to find good custodial help?

- You popped Jerry?
- Jerry.

- That sounds familiar. I almost...
- Yeah. Yeah. That was so embarrassing.

- Did you just miss the whole un-dead thing?
- Yeah.

God damn it, I know they're vampires.

Wait... wait, what?

I track how many paperclips
we use per quarter,

you think I wouldn't notice
a vampire company take-over?

How many paperclips
do we use per quarter?

- Tim!
- Last quarter, 22415.

See? Look at him.
He's a model employee now.

Wait, you did this intentionally?

Corporate was threatening
to shut down the entire branch,

I simply presented Ted
with an alternative.

His methods may seem a little unorthodox,
but you can't argue with the results.

After your little stunt... in college!

The only school that would take me
was this university in Romania.

But it turns out, it had
a very unique MBA program,

a whole new paradigm
in business management.

What? Turning your employees
into vampires? That's sick!

Evan, this company was sick.

Employees calling in with fake,
dead grandmothers

so that they could go out
to the ballpark.

Video game tournaments
during office hours,

and look at your browser histories.

- I know you watch porn all day.
- That was mainly mine.

At least now we have a future.

Yeah, funny your usage
of the word "we" there.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- Max was gonna fucking eat you.

I saw it in his files. Why do you think
he hasn't turned you yet, Ted?

He was going to turn me last.
Make it special with candles.

That makes sense.

You were going to force me out?

Hey, quick, while you still
have time, Ted. Fire this...

Oh, God!

That actually works. He really did that.

That is the worst part of this job.
Firing people.

Oh, shit. Jeez. He just...

- Hey, Mandy.
- His neck...

Have you not been listening
this entire time?

We are vampires. That's what we do.

We get... still sounds so weird
saying vampires.

So you just do it?

It's true. Amanda you got to start
working on your stubbornness

if you want to be a part of the team.

Fuck your team, Max! I'm taking Amanda
and we're walking out of here un-undead.

Is that so?

Yeah, I'm gonna... I'm gonna do that.

- Okay.
- Okay?

Well, show yourselves out.

Can I have a thing, maybe a...
This will do.

- Bye, gang.
- Okay, yeah.

- See you guys.
- See you, man.

You got that? You got the door?

Back up. Back up!

Shit. Holy shit.

- Are all these people vampires?
- Yes, ma'am.

Mandy, I don't want to die
without telling you how I really feel.

Then shut the fuck up, so you have
a reason to survive this shit.

So what now, Colonel?

Honestly, I have no idea.
I never thought we'd live this long.

To think you came to rescue me
and you didn't plan an escape?

Oh, don't Princess Leah me.
I'm thinking.

- Okay, I've got it.
- Oh, hey, Dave.

- Good luck getting your 20 bucks now, bitch.
- God damn it, Tim.

God damn it. Now I'm definitely
gonna have to wash this shirt.

Do you want me to... dive in?

Oh, no, no, no, no. I need you
to learn how to delegate.

Hey, decapitate. You gotta take it off.

Hair pulling?

Yipee-Taekwondo-rogue-
a-motherfucker. Oh, shit!

Oh, God!
Your breath smells like cat-food.

Oh, I don't like this.

And I defended your hire.

- Does this happen every time?
- Yeah, yeah. Yeah, basically.

Not if you kill them first, people.

Learn how to take the initiative
if you don't want me to micro-manage.

This is about the story as far as I...

Well, now it's time to go to work.

Oh, shit.

Jesus, those walls are thin.

So, my question is, I mean...

When do you let your people make
their own mistakes so that they can learn?

And when do you just jump in and do the job
yourself because you're more efficient?

- It's a balance to be sure.
- Yeah.

I'm going to need a minute, Dave.
I think I've re-injured my back.

God damn it, Amanda!
I finally started boning her.

Sorry.

You know what?
That almost felt like... Oh, come on.

Oh, did it just get dark?

Should we be intervening here?
I mean, we are losing a lot of employees.

- Don't worry about it. It's mostly marketing.
- Okay, I'll just run an ad.

You fucker.

Take that.

Are you trying to repel me
with a cross made of pencils?

Still, a good manager knows
when his staff is getting overextended.

Be a dear and call downstairs
for me, would you?

Can I use your office?
This is just kind of flat out here.

Yeah, feel free. Make yourself at home.

I know you rigged the raffle to win
the office trip to Cabo this year.

That trip was mine!

You do not want to know
where that came from.

Who am I gonna get to stock
the supply closet now?

I'm not a vampire expert, asshole.

Enough.

I want my $20, and then you die.

I'm saving it for something else.

Why don't we ever go dancing?

Monday night is salsa night
at Vida Loca.

I hope you and your dickhead pals
enjoyed picking on poor Dave,

because now my veins surge
with a thousand generations of death.

My claws are like hammers,
my teeth are like swords!

I am vengeance! And I am immortal!

I knew you were a good vampire.

I'm not a good vampire.
I just always hated Dave.

Well, what now, asshole?

Yeah, it looks like...
you're fresh out of friends.

Nah, I'll make more.

- That's a lot of blood!
- Yeah.

- Are you secure?
- Not in the slightest.

Fuck that NCAA pool. That was a bullshit
foul at the end of the UNC game.

Fucking Duke.

- You hungry?
- Yeah.

I can punch right into this thing.
It's hilarious.

Yeah!

Oh, honestly, guys...

did you really think
it was going to be that easy?

No, not at first, but then it...

- Once we got going, it was...
- Oh, come on!

You think I would attempt to take over
this company without consulting legal first?

Lawyers?

Amanda...

a private word with you
in my office please.

Amanda, where are you going?

I don't... I don't really know actually.

Remember when I did this to your girlfriend
in college without using supernatural powers?

I'm just saying why go pro when your school
has a chance at the Championships?

Run the risk of injury? No way.
You got to take the money and run.

Evan, you can go home for the day.
Frank, you can die.

It has been an honor and a pleasure
to serve with you, Colonel...

But it's time we parted ways.

Any-who, I'm going to turn you now.
I hope that's cool.

No, I don't want to be a vampire.

No, no, no, Frank.
They will... they will eat you alive.

Literally. Literally, literally.

Not the bullshit way most people use it.

You never know if you're the kind of guy
who'll jump on a grenade,

- till it lands at your feet.
- Man, that's intense.

Being a vampire is amazing.
We had a crazy vampire orgy last night

- It was mind-blowing.
- Yeah, but I just got some new golf clubs...

Thanks, Frank.

I'm going to recommend you for a meritorious
service medal when all this is over.

I'm not going to let you stake me so...

Some pickle?

Much obliged, sir.
Now go in there and kill our boss.

Come on! Come on!

Come on, get him! Get him!

Oh, hey, pal! I was just about to turn
your girl and fuck her on Ted's desk.

Sorry.

- My desk.
- Fucking dick.

Amanda, you need to focus on your job.

HR is going to be swamped
with all the new hires we're going to need.

Oh, let's just get this over with.

I'd rather die than listen to your
lame management style any longer.

My management style is effective.
And refreshing.

Okay, option seven,
you just eat like raccoons and stuff.

That is disgusting. No.

Evan...

do you remember
what I said we sell here?

- Dreams?
- Yeah, that was bullshit.

We sell fear.

Option eight, I don't turn you,
I just kill you.

No, that doesn't work for me,
'cause then I'm just dead.

Our customers are afraid.

Afraid that life is passing them by,
which to be fair, it is.

And that is why you
are perfect for this place.

Because you are a coward.

I'm sorry?

Okay, option nine, I let you go
but you have to promise not to kill anyone.

No way, man. A vamp's got to eat.

You were afraid to tell Amanda
that you love her because of why?

Because you work together?
Because she earns more than you?

Roshambo? Winner chooses our fate?

One, two, three, yes! Sorry.

You didn't even have the balls to quit
when this incompetent turd...

passed you over for the guy
you hate most on the face of the Earth.

You are so afraid of life.

That you actually want to be
sales manager in this shithole.

Mandy!

We are trying to have a conversation.

No!

- Well, two out of three?
- Yeah.

One, two, three.

I am not going to change you.
That's right.

I'll leave you alive and stuck
in this pathetic pointless job

from now, until the day you die.

This suit is bespoke.

One, two...

Sharing the desk with the photo printer,

while I stay young
with the woman you love,

immortal at my side.

I'd rather fucking die first.

Yeah, yeah, that's the way it works.

Holy shit!

I think I'm ready
to turn in my resignation.

Yeah.

You want this job? Then take it.

Die, you bloodsucking bastard!

Oh, shit.

Well, this is pretty much
the grossest thing I've ever seen.

I stand corrected.

Hey.

Is all this Max's blood?

Some of it's mine, some of it's Evan's.

Yeah.

Gross.

Yeah.

Hey, Frank?

Lost in the line of duty.

I really liked that guy.

Well, on the plus side, no more vamps.

Yeah.

Oh, hey...

another work day. Bitchin'.

- Is it weird that I'm hungry?
- Oh, I could eat.

- Where do you guys wanna go?
- Well, somewhere without blood on it.

That rules out Denny's.

Have a pizza.

Oh, shit.

Sorry, Mom. Are you still there?

Hey! Yeah.

No, you'll never guess
what happened at work.

Oh, you could hear it the whole time?

Bastardo!

Welcome to the team. My office in 10.