Blockers (2018) - full transcript

(KIDS CHATTERING)

LISA: It's okay,
you're gonna love it!

Happy first day of school.

Bye, sweetie.

-Hi!
-Hi.

Hey, I'm Sam.

Hi, I'm Julie.

(ALL GIGGLING)

-Bye!
-JULIE: Bye, Mom!

(ALL GIGGLING)

I'm Hunter.



Sam's mine, right there.
The one with the glasses.

I'm Lisa.
That's my Julie.

I'm Mitchell. (SNIFFLES)

Kayla's hero.

-Oh. Are you okay?
-Yeah, yeah.

You crying?

(VOICE BREAKING)
No, man. It's a big day, that's all.

You know, can I have
a tissue, please?

-Yeah, yeah.
-Thank you.

-It's a big day for all of us.
-Yeah.

Thanks. (EXHALES)

(SIGHS AND CHUCKLES)

HUNTER: I think our daughters
are friends.

And I think that means we're friends.



(ALL CHUCKLE)

Should we go get a drink?

-You okay? Yeah.
-Yeah.

Do you guys wanna
go get a drink?

Ah, they made it. (SNIFFLES)

You guys wanna go
grab a drink real quick?

Is he asking us if we wanna
go grab a drink?

I'm really hoping
it's coffee.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

-(SQUEAKING)
-(LAUGHS)

-(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
-(LAUGHS)

Shut the fuck up!

(ALL SQUEALING)

ALL: Happy Halloween!

Assalam!

I can see Russia
from my house!

(KIDS SHOUTING EXCITEDLY)

-(SQUEALING)
-(CROWD CHEERING)

That's right!
Right here! Whoo!

Hey, hey...

(EXCITED SQUEALING)

Put your seatbelts on!

(EXCITED SQUEALING)

Surprise!

Careful!

(SONG PLAYING ON CELL PHONE)

You're probably gonna miss these mornings
that we spend together, right?

Stop.

You're gonna make me cry, and I don't
wanna cry because it's prom night.

It's supposed to be like
the most magical night of your life,

and, you know,
I'm just so anxious about it.

Well, call me
if you feel anxious.

Or maybe FaceTime me,
if it wasn't too loud.

If it was too loud, you could just...
We could wave or whatever.

(CHUCKLES)
That'd be funny.

And then, I can...

You know
what I was thinking?

You should send me photos
throughout the night.

Not like all night long, but if you could
do it every 30 minutes or so

then I can put together
one of those iBooks.

-That would be so fun.
-Yeah.

That would be a really...
I don't think you would regret that.

Hmm.

-Mom?
-Mmm-hmm.

Are you gonna be okay
when I go to college?

-Who, me?
-Yeah.

Me?

(LAUGHING)

What?

Please. Don't even get me... (LAUGHS)

Don't even...

-Please!
-(LAUGHS)

Okay, bye, Mom!

LISA: Okay, bye!

-I love you!
-Okay, I love you.

MARCIE: Oh, good, you did the laundry.

Yeah, and got a totally
sleepy, happy baby.

Full-blown renaissance man.

-Oh!
-Believe it.

It's a good thing she's asleep, too.

I was going through the laundry.

-Uh-huh.
-Found these new thongs.

You know what I'm gonna do with these?

"Paging Dr. Muff Diver. Dr. Muff Diver,

"you're needed
in the OR immediately, emergency surgery."

Later on tonight, I'm tearing
these off with my teeth

like an old-school cartoon billy goat.

-(GRUNTING)
-Honey. Mitchell.

Those are your daughter's.

(EXCLAIMING)

No way. Kayla wears
cleats and Bears jerseys,

not some dirty stripper underwear.

You thought they were mine.

What am I, giving her
allowance in singles?

Go tell her she can't wear these.

Tell her they'll make her sterile,

like with the laptop
and my brother's balls.

We're not sure that's what
happened with your brother.

Honey, you're being ridiculous.

Kayla's becoming a woman.

This isn't the time to tighten your grip.
It's the time to loosen it.

This? This means
we tighten the grip.

This isn't built for comfort,
it's built for speed.

We need to slow her the fuck down.

The appliances go in
after the backsplash.

We've done it
the same way every time.

(SIGHS)

Uh-huh. All right, put him on the phone.

(KNOCKING)

KAYLA: I'm in the bathroom.

(EXHALES)

(SIGHS)

(VIBRATING)

Thanks, I was looking for that.

You mind telling me what this is?

-Uh, fuzz.
-Yeah.

Yeah, fuzz.

It's what I thought
it was and then on further investigation,

it is clearly an unraveled
filter of a cigarette.

Kayla, are you a smoker?

What? No.

I'm not a smoker, Dad.

Hey, haven't you seen the billions of ads
that tell you not to do this stuff?

Dad! You can't teach someone
not to try things. Okay?

That's what trying things
is for. To teach you things.

It's a contradiction.

It's like telling me not to go for
a triple on a base hit to the gap

when I've made
a good turn around first

and I know that the right
fielder has a weak arm.

Damn it, you're smart.

Okay. Yeah. All right.
Time to get ready for school, Dad.

Okay, all right.

Julie! Sam!

Hey, girl!

-(TIRES SCREECHING)
-Whoa!

(LAUGHING)

I almost died.

-Prom night!
-(ALL LAUGHING)

I'm so, so excited!

KAYLA: Me, too.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Mmm. I love you.

I love you, too.

All right.

-We're so gross.
-I know.

-People are looking at us.
-I don't care.

We better get
"Cutest Couple" in the yearbook.

I'm having sex.

That's great!
I'm having soup. (SLURPS)

No. Tonight.

With Austin.

-Wait, you're finally gonna do it?
-Yeah.

I mean, you know, we've been dating
for six months and we love each other

and I just awkwardly got my pediatrician
to put me on birth control.

But she gave me a sticker. (CHUCKLES)

Two because I was good, so...

I know it's kind of corny or whatever
but it just seems like prom night,

it's kind of perfect, you know?

We're gonna have, like, dim lighting

and rose petals on the bed

and the scent from that candle
that gets me horny

every time I pass it in Walgreens.

All candles get me horny.

JULIE: I'm gonna
look into Austin's eyes

and then he's gonna look into mine

and then we're gonna
touch each other's faces, you know?

For, like, a long time.

Like, a long time.

Just to, like, connect.
And then we're gonna...

Kapow.

All right, fuck it, I'm in.

-What?
-KAYLA: I'm in.

I'm having sex tonight, too.

Uh... (CHUCKLES) Just like that?

Yeah. I mean, why not?

Because it's your first time

and your first time should be
special and perfect.

Yours can be special
and perfect.

Mine is gonna be tonight,
and with that dude.

They're just brownies,
they're not, like...

Connor Aldrich? Your lab partner?

-Yeah. What?
-You haven't even hooked up with him.

You haven't even seen his thing yet.
What if he has a weird one?

They're all weird.

Penises are not for looking at,
they're for use.

They're like plungers. Listen,

my student athlete days are over.

Tonight is the beginning of my adult life

and for the first time
I can do whatever I want.

So I wanna go to prom,
get drunk, get potted up on weed

and lose my goddamn virginity.

We're gonna have the same
first-time sex anniversary.

We can go to dinner every year
and commemorate it.

-Olive Garden.
-Yes! Olive Garden.

Breadsticks for life, bitch!

Oh, my God!
It is gonna be such a relief

to get this over
and done with before college.

Um...

-No, I mean, like...
-No, it's cool.

I just don't think I'm there yet.

You know, maybe something
might happen tonight with me and Chad,

but I don't think sex
is gonna be that thing.

(ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Sam?

(CHUCKLES) But you never know
what could happen.

I mean, maybe my inner sexual
Smaug will emerge from its keep

and spread its mighty wings.

I never know what you're talking about.

-Yeah, me neither.
-(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Oh...

(LAUGHS)

LISA: Julie, is that you?

So realistic.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

Ugh.

BRENDA: Come on, Sam,
we're waiting.

Be right there!

-All right.
-There she is.

Took me 20 minutes to figure out
how to do video on this thing

but I finally got it.

-(CAMERA CLICKS)
-Nope.

I took a picture of myself.

Siri, video, please.

Wow! That Chad is going
to rip through his little tuxedo pants.

-Mom!
-What?

-That's gross.
-Why?

Because you're practically imagining
your daughter in sexual congress.

You sicko.

I was just trying to connect with you.
You never talk to us anymore.

Hey, I got this.

Okay.

(SIGHS) Prom night, huh?

I got sad and reflective
on my prom night, too.

-You were?
-Yeah.

I was scared I wasn't gonna stay friends

with the guys I had been
around most of my life.

But I was able to...

Hey, baby, I love you so much.
You just really freaked her out.

Sweetie, if you're worried about
that at all, just know you shouldn't be.

You never stay friends
with people from high school.

I mean, the oldest friend
I have is Jan from work

and I've known her for three months.

Who's Jan?

You know Jan, babe.
She draws those silly cartoons.

Oh, racist Jan.

Yeah, that's the one.

Who you are today

is not who you're going to be.
And that's okay.

-FRANK: That's good therapy.
-And who you become will be

so different that your friends
won't understand you anymore

and then you will wake up and realize

these friendships are over.
This feels like a very painful divorce,

just like the one I had with your father,

but then you'll find a Frank.

Uh, I appreciate that,
but that's not my deal.

I'm still cool with a lot
of my boys because on prom night,

me, Dennis, Matt, and Cory all convinced
our friend Steve to join the Army.

He fought in the Persian Gulf War.

He died right away.

(SIGHS)

But once you go through
something like that,

you're bonded for life.

The bedrock of deep meaningful friendships
is shared experience.

I thought they were gonna
put him in the Reserves.

That is some horseshit.

Hmm.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Wow.

You look so beautiful!

(GASPS) Turn around.

-Wow.
-(BOTH LAUGH)

Oh, my goodness.

Wow.

So what's the big plan for after prom?

Uh, we're just going to Austin's.

You really like him, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, I mean... Yeah, he's cool.
It's not like serious or anything.

His mom told me he got into UCLA.

That's nice.

Yeah, I mean, it's good.

You remember that time when,
like, I thought about going to UCLA?

Yes.

That would've been crazy.
That would've been the worst mistake ever.

I don't think it would've been
that huge of a mistake.

Uh, yes, it would have. (LAUGHS)

University of Chicago is perfect.
It's 45 minutes away.

So that way you're gone
but you're not gone, gone.

But I'm gone.

Right. But not, like, gone.

Right, but, like, I'm going to college

and, like, I'm not gonna
live at home. So I'm, like, I'm gone.

Mmm-hmm.

Why are my boobs so big?

MITCHELL: Ready, Kayla?

KAYLA: Yep.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON CELL PHONE)

And now, standing at 5' 7'',

5' 9'' if you count the heels,

straight out of Great Lakes High School,
the prettiest girl in all of prom,

Kayla Mannes.

(WHOOPING)

(LAUGHING)

Oh.

Just high-fives from now on.

Okay.

Oh, honey, I never thought
I'd see you in a dress!

MITCHELL: Technically
it's not a full dress.

Some material is missing
from the middle there.

MARCIE: Okay.

You look great.

All right, yeah, I think it's time to go.

Yes. Yeah. Honey, we gotta go.

(SNIFFLES)

Honey?

Dad, are you okay?

It's like when he watched Frozen.

Come on.

(SNIFFLES)

LISA: Hi, how are you?

-Hi!
-Hi! How are you?

Hi, Marcie.

-(MOUTHING WORDS)
-Oh. Uh-huh.

-Hey!
-Hey, Mitchell.

-Haven't seen you in a while.
-Yeah.

You know, I was worried when I never
heard back from you about hot yoga.

Called you a bunch of times.

I ended up having to eat
that two-for-one Groupon.

Oh, yeah, I don't really
do the hot-yoga thing.

We should catch up, though, right?

-Yeah.
-Like a lunch, I don't know.

Yeah, maybe. Yeah. Give me a call.

-I've been calling you.
-Mmm-hmm.

It doesn't work.

It's not effective.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

(LAPTOP CHIMES)

(VIBRATES)

(LAPTOP CHIMES)

(CHIMING)

-(ALL LAUGHING)
-I don't even know! Wait, you guys.

Wait, this is, like, the best lighting
with the Valencia filter...

Oh, God. All right. Here we go.

Yeah, okay. That's enough.

-One more.
-We're good.

Oh, my God,
we need to get this party started.

-Ooh, okay, Julie.
-Hmm.

I got you something.

It's coconut oil.

For lube.

I hear it works just as well and it makes
blowjobs taste like Almond Joy.

(GASPS) Thank God it doesn't
taste like Mounds.

I'd rather eat 10 dicks
than one Mound.

Thank you. That's so sweet!

Oh, my God, I'm so excited.

Me, too. You have to text me,
like, right away.

Oh, my God,
we're gonna be doing it at the same time.

(GASPS) Oh, my God.
We have to talk about it tomorrow.

Yeah. You're gonna know every detail.

-There's gonna be so much to talk...
-Guys? Hey, guys!

I want in on this sex pact.

Are you sure? You don't have to do this
just because we are.

No, that's not why.

I want to have sex.

Yeah. That's something
all three of us have in common.

-Mmm-hmm.
-Chad is gonna tap that ass with his penis

and I doubt we'll have anal
the first time, but...

All right!

This is gonna make tonight
even more perfect.

-Yeah.
-It's gonna be the three of us!

-SAM: Yes!
-(ALL LAUGH)

HUNTER: Prom night, motherfuckers!

Yeah! (LAUGHS)

Whoo!

Rudy, it's coming up. Turn left, bro.

(EXCLAIMS) Jesus, Rudy!
What the fuck?

Oh, my God. It's my fucking dad.

-(MILD MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)
-(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

HUNTER: Yeah! Prom night, bitches!

Whoo-hoo!

-Oh, God, it's him.
-Arms up. Yo!

(SINGING)
We gonna light it up like it's prom night

Taio Cruz.

Like it's prom night

You got this, girl.

Don't mess this up because
that limo is totally awesome.

Sam! Sam!

Taio Cruz. Whoo.

(SQUELCHES)

Sorry.

-Sorry. Oh!
-(SIGHS)

Whoo. (CLEARS THROAT)

(SIGHS)

You're so grown up! (CHUCKLES)

Dad, what are you doing here?

You think I'm gonna miss the most
important night of your young life?

That's graduation.

No. Graduation's for losers.

I didn't even go to my graduation.

But prom night, that's a big one.

Prom was the best night of my life.

I think about it every day

and I want you to have
the same experience.

Tonight you have fun,

you don't worry about any rules
that your mom or Frank laid down.

No one gives a fuck about Frank.

All I know is this. You look amazing
and I would love to grab a quick pic.

No. Go stand with the other parents
and try to be normal.

Sam, I'm not a normal parent.

I don't even...

Holy shit, you invited Hunter?

No, of course not.

I haven't talked to him
since he and Brenda got divorced.

-You know he calls me all the time?
-What?

He wants to play darts.
I don't play darts!

-Darts?
-You kidding me?

Anyway, I can't hang out
with him. I'll be guilty by association.

No. No, I will never forgive
that babysitter fucker.

-Hey, Hunter!
-Hey, man. Good to see you.

What up?

-Ah...
-Ah!

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Did you have another daughter?

I did. I did.

-Thank you. It's been wonderful.
-(LAUGHING) Yeah.

I'm thinking about doing that again.
You know, the whole second round?

I think a lot of dads kind of
get it right the second time around.

Or, you know, you could just
raise the one that you have.

Well, I did.
Too late for that. Raised, job done.

-Hi, honey.
-Actually, I heard

if you spend a significant
amount of time with your children

that you develop some kind of,
like, telekinetic bond with them.

-Is that true?
-I've heard. Mmm-hmm.

I hope it's not true because if it is, Sam
has been looking at a lot of Asian porn.

(LISA LAUGHS HESITANTLY)

-(LAUGHS)
-My wife's Asian.

-Indian.
-That's Asian.

This is more like, uh...

-It looks like the typical Asian.
-Yep, good seeing you, man.

Okay, good to see you,
brother. You know what I mean.

Who's this guy?
Who are you?

Dad, this is my date.

CONNOR: Hi.

Uh, it's great to meet you, sir.
I'm... I'm Connor.

Connor and I were in the same
science class. We're lab partners.

Yeah. We're working
on our chemistry. (LAUGHS)

Uh...

I'm gonna get a napkin,
if that's cool.

Okay.

Okay, so, uh... (SIGHS)

With this, it's one shot
to the groin, stab, and drag.

I refuse to believe
she couldn't do better than that loser.

Oh, I think Chad seems nice.

HUNTER: Chad?
No, Chad's amazing. Look at that fedora.

I'm not talking about Chad,
I'm talking about fucking Frank.

What a dick.

LISA: Frank does not seem
like a dick to me.

He seems like a nice guy.
And you know what?

Don't blame Brenda.
It's really hard being alone.

HUNTER: Let's just agree
to disagree on Frank.

Here they come.
Okay, just be cool.

He's gonna talk about his
tow truck company instantly.

I guarantee you he's gonna
throw that shit in my face.

Be cool, be cool, be cool.

-(CLEARS THROAT) Brenda.
-Hunter.

Frank.

Lisa.

What'd I do?

I'm sorry, I don't know why I just
said your name like that. This is so nice.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

-(EXHALES)
-Okay.

No, no, no.
Leese, Leese, Leese.

LISA: I gotta go get Julie's wrap.

HUNTER: Mmm. (SIGHS)

Were you gonna let our daughter
take a fucking Lyft to prom?

What is this, Afghanistan?

How'd you pay for that limo, Hunter?

'Cause I know your credit's
in the shitter.

It is.

Because I bought
your mom a wheelchair.

She's gonna pay you back.

With what money, Brenda?

Can she pay me back with crackers
that she steals from restaurants?

I don't wanna talk about your mom,
I don't wanna talk about her wheelchair.

All I care about is that my daughter
has the greatest night of her life.

If it was her greatest night,
you would not be here.

-Oh, what a sick burn.
-All right, all right, all right.

-Good.
-Wait, yo, yo, yo, we're all adults here.

Let's not make it uncomfortable.

If you're gonna be
around more, let's have a beer sometime.

Okay, first of all, I don't
wanna go to have a beer with you.

I don't wanna hang out with you.
I don't like you, I don't like your wife.

I don't like your guys' deal.
I think it sucks and it's played out.

Hey, if you ever change
your mind, here's my card.

Ah, here we go.

"Tow with Frank." Where'd you
come up with that name?

-It's very straightforward.
-All right, I'll tell you this.

The design of that card
is pretty cool.

And my favorite part
is right fucking there.

Oh.

BRENDA: Wow,
that is just... No, that's us, Frank.

-You've taken about 15 goddamn selfies.
-I got it. I got it.

-Yeah!
-All right.

Bye, Mom.

-Have fun, honey. Okay.
-KAYLA: I will.

Bye, Dad.

Remember, stab, turn, drag.

I don't have the knife, Dad.

Yes, you do.
Check your clutch.

Ugh.

Hey, uh, it's been a pleasure, sir.

I really, um... I'm honored.

-(SLAPS HAND)
-Oh!

Intense, professional grip. Cheers!

Take it easy, big guy. Hey, uh...

You guys have a good night, too, you know.

MARCIE: Thank you.

See that smirk?
What was up with that smirk?

You are intense.

-HUNTER: Sam.
-Oh.

-Hey! Mr. Lockwood.
-Hey!

-Pleasure to meet you.
-Chad, yes.

-Come on, man. Bring it in.
-Yes. Good. Yeah.

My hat?

-I wanna talk to Sam real quick.
-Yeah, okay.

Let me get a picture real quick.

-Chad.
-Oh.

-Real quick photo. Just, just so fast.
-Okay.

Don't even fuck
with the filter. Just plain.

Here we go. There we go.

And then you wanna get
a quick one of me and Chad real quick?

-That sounds cool. Yep.
-Okay.

Sammy, here you go, baby.
Real quick. Just a couple fun ones.

CHAD: Like this?

-Bros.
-(CAMERA CLICKS)

HUNTER: Duck lips.

-And then just kind of a...
-(CAMERA CLICKING)

Julie. Can I talk to you a second?

JULIE: We gotta go. I love you.

I'd really like to talk to you.

But I really gotta go.

Okay, fine.
Just don't forget your wrap.

It's okay. I don't think I need it.

Are you sure?

Because we live in Chicago,
and it's chilly.

I don't know about other places,

but it gets cold in Illinois.

It's not that cold tonight,
so I don't think I need it, okay?

Okay, Julie, wait.

So you'll call me when you get
to Austin's after prom? Right?

Right.

Okay.

-Okay.
-I love you.

Okay. I love you.

Okay!

(EXHALES)

-(CAR ENGINE STARTS)
-Okay.

(GIRLS SQUEALING)

-(GIRLS CHEERING)
-CHAD: This is so cool!

-(CORK POPS)
-Oh!

-Blow it out!
-(ALL WHOOPING)

CONNOR: Chad, I, um, I saw you
do Pippin last year.

That was really good.

Yeah, you're a really good singer, man.
What are you doing this year?

CHAD: We're actually doing Arnold,
which is an all-male version of Annie.

RUDY: Caught you drinking!
(LAUGHING)

Just kidding, y'all.
I may look like a parent

but I assure you, I am no narc.

Thank you, sir.

Not done yet. Name's Rudy.

I did not go to my prom. No.

My leg was crushed by a cement truck
so I could not dance but...

So I've made it my mission in life,

my whole career,
to make sure that little kids like you

have a wonderful night
to remember forever.

So just sit back, relax,
and enjoy your prom night.

-(ALL LAUGHING)
-Okay.

RUDY: Oh, fuck,
that was the turn! Fuck!

-(WATER RUNNING)
-(DISHES CLATTERING)

MITCHELL: Hey, Leese?

You got any S.O.S. pads?

I'm soaking those pans, but you burnt
the shit out of that mac and cheese.

Sponge just isn't gonna cut it.

Thanks for helping clean up.

Don't mention this one.

I mean, Marcie brought
the baby home early and...

I gotta keep busy. I gotta keep
my mind off of Kayla and "Connor."

That's not the right way to use those.

'Cause his name is actually Connor. So...

It's okay.

-UCLA?
-Uh-huh.

I didn't mean to snoop, but I'm...

No, no. It's okay.

I mean, I don't think it's a real thing.

She's not actually gonna go.

I think she just applied
for fun. She didn't...

Why, have you heard differently?

I would assume it's to go,

but she very well
could have applied ironically.

I mean, you know millennials, right?

-Hmm.
-Wherever she goes...

You're gonna have a bunch
of time on your hands.

You can figure out what you wanna do
for the back nine of your life.

-(LAPTOP CHIMING)
-Uh-huh. Yeah.

I think Julie left her laptop open.

Julie's doing a lot of texting.

-Mmm-hmm.
-Is everything okay?

Maybe we should check to see?

-Peace of mind.
-Yeah.

(CHIMING CONTINUES)

MITCHELL: What the hell is that?

LISA: I have no idea.

-(TOILET FLUSHES)
-(CHIMING CONTINUES)

What are you still doing here?

Hey, your, uh,
mac and cheese is messed up.

(CHIMING CONTINUES)

Are you guys snooping on your kids?

That is not cool.

No, it's not snooping
if the information shows up.

That's exactly what snooping is.

No, it's like the Patriot Act.

Well, it's not like the Patriot Act.

It's like snooping.

Okay. We don't know
what they're talking about, so...

-What?
-Okay.

Oh, is it like puzzles?
Ooh, I love puzzles.

I just saw Inferno.

MITCHELL: Yeah, great.
What are they saying?

Okay, so there's something
about an eggplant handshake.

Eggplant agreement.

Yeah. They got an agreement
to make eggplant Parmesan.

No, eggplants are dicks
in teenage emoji language.

-What?
-LISA: You know what, that's true.

Julie told me that the emojis have...
They all have secret meanings.

-Mmm-hmm.
-So, like, trees are weed

and snowflakes are cocaine and

that thing is "yas queen."

Yas queen!

-What the hell is that?
-You've never heard of "yas queen"?

-MITCHELL: No.
-All right, grandpa.

Hold on. Julie is making some kind
of a dick-related agreement here.

Kayla is in on the agreement.

No fucking way.

Okay, clown face.
What the fuck does that mean?

That means she's down to clown.

LISA: Okay.
MITCHELL: Three eggplants?

And look at the drool
coming out of that smiley face.

You wish that was drool.

-That's cum, my man.
-Stand down!

It is. Look, it's cum.
He's, like... (EXCLAIMS)

This is sex if I've ever
seen it illustrated in emoji form.

No, no, no. Maybe not.
They're best friends. They're just saying,

like, "You're okay with me.

-"You're okay to me. You're okay to me."
-You say that to your friends?

Whenever I see my friends,
I go, "Hey! You're okay with me."

I don't use these!

Hold on. Agreement hands,
agreement hands,

agreement hands.
This is a... It's a sex agreement.

-They're making a sex pact.
-(STAMMERS)

They're gonna lose their
virginity on prom night.

That cannot be a sex pact.

That? That is friendship.

And that is the bond of friendship
that can never be broken.

-I mean, maybe.
-Yeah.

Oh! Just look, they wrote
"Sex Pact 2018."

(BANGS TABLE)
I fucking knew it! I love puzzles.

I told you guys.
Have you seen Inferno?

-Call your kid.
-Leese, have you seen Inferno?

Have you guys seen Inferno?

I figured it out in two seconds.
Did you see Inferno?

The guy jumps off the thing
in the beginning. He's got a virus.

Have you seen Inferno
with Tom Hanks?

Okay.

-Okay, she's not answering her phone.
-Yeah, Kayla isn't either.

Okay, what the heck is happening?

She's always been honest with me.

She's always told me the truth,

and now I'm just swimming
in a pool of lies.

Okay. Here's what's gonna happen.

She's gonna have sex
with that Austin kid

and then she's gonna
think that she has all these feelings,

which she does not actually have,

and then she's gonna drive across country

and follow him and ruin her fucking life!

Okay, I think that's a pretty big leap
to make when you read a couple...

MITCHELL: I have invested
every single piece of my being

into preparing Kayla
for success, and now this?

She is about to have sex
with some dipshit with a "man bun."

You're not using those
in the right way.

Hey, can we all come back
to "Planet Earth"?

'Cause this is not a big deal.

They're teenage girls.
They have sex.

Do you freak out when you see
a bee fucking a flower?

I'm gonna stop her.

I'm in.

Let's cockblock
those motherfuckers.

Whoa... (STAMMERS)

No, sir. Uh-uh.

No, no, no, no. I promised Sam
the greatest night of her life

and if you guys fuck up
your daughters' night,

it's gonna fuck up my daughter's night,
and that shit is "not cool."

I don't give a fuck
what's cool with you.

Let's go, Mitchell. I'll drive.

Hey! Hey, hey, wait! No, no, no.

You wanna go?

-You got to go through me.
-(LISA GRUNTS)

Oh, Jesus. Okay,
you called my bluff. Wait.

Wait! Hey!

MITCHELL: Get off! Get off of me! Get off!
HUNTER: Hey! Hey!

Not cool!

This is "not cool"!

Hey! What's the plan?
This is stupid.

Fuck off.

I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

What the fuck are you doing?

I just need to talk
to my daughter for five minutes.

Get out of the car!

You get out.

-You get out!
-You get out!

Stop saying what I'm saying!

-Stop saying what I'm saying.
-Stop saying what I'm saying!

-Stop! Okay. Listen, listen.
-Hey!

Okay, everyone calm down, calm down.

MITCHELL: The window!
No, the window!

Hey! What the fuck! No!

(GROANING)

Damn, these are new shorts!

Truce, truce!

Truce, truce, truce.

-(HORN HONKS)
-I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!

-(YELPS)
-Oh, my fucking God!

Uh...

I'm sorry, man.

It's not gonna work.
You're not Schwarzenegger!

How is that possible?

How is that possible? Oh, shit!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

My balls! My balls!

Your ass is so...

(BOTH GRUNTING)

HUNTER: Hey! Hey! Not cool!

Ah! You're bullying me!

This is bullying!
What you're doing is wrong!

You know your daughter's
in this stupid sex pact, too.

Yeah, and she's not gonna
do anything about it, okay?

Like you would know
what your daughter's gonna do.

Okay, first of all, ouch!

Second of all, I know nothing is gonna
happen with Sam because...

Because she's gay. (SIGHS)

Really? Did she come out to you?

No, of course not.
She barely speaks to me.

-Then how do you know?
-Because, bro,

I'm her dad.
And there's just some things you know.

Chad is nothing. He's like a beard.

Or whatever a lesbian beard is. A merkin?

I don't know. The point is,

I guarantee you
they don't even kiss, okay?

I'm not worried about that.

I'm worried about
you two dicks fucking up her night.

Okay, well, what you don't
understand is that

sex can be very confusing
for young girls,

and make them say things
and do things that they might regret.

Like dropping out of college

to follow around
the Dave Matthews Band

with a guy they think they love who then
winds up getting them pregnant

and then leaving them

for the girl who makes grilled cheese
sandwiches with hash aioli on them.

Yeah, that is a extremely
specific scenario

and that won't happen to Julie.

Dave's not even touring right now.
He's taking time off for fatherhood.

It was me, you idiot.

Me. That happened to me.

Yeah.

(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)

-(CAMERA CLICKING)
-You weren't ready! Okay, one more.

Smile.

I closed my eye.

Oh, my God!

(GASPS) You guys!
This is our song!

Do you remember
when we got snowed in at Sam's

-and we played this like over and over?
-Yes!

-We have to dance!
-This is our jam!

(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)

-Hey!
-Hey!

Hey! I want a drink.

Okay, yeah, let's go get one.

No, no, no, no. Like, a drink.

-Oh, you want a drink-drink.
-Yeah.

Okay, let me call my guy.

Hello, Mr. Drink Drink.

Let's go get fucked up!

Okay.

Kayla, Kayla! Ah.

(SONG CONTINUES)

(ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

Hey, Chad!

I'm gonna go
get, uh, some dessert.

Get me two!

(LAUGHS)

(SONG CONTINUES)

Hey, Angelica, it's a nice cape.

Uh, hey, Sam,

thank you.

Um, yeah, it's a Galadriel cape that
I made a couple months ago for LordCon.

Figured I could wear it again.

Not too much overlap on the guest list.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah. Totally.

(LAUGHS)

Who'd you come here with?

Um... Just my friends.

Lauren and I broke up.

Oh!

No hard feelings though.

Um, she's still a little confused.

How do you think one becomes

not confused?

It's probably different for everyone.

But for me, when I kissed
Brad Markowski, I started to suspect it,

and then last year when I touched
Dash Lowenstein's dick, I was like,

"Fuck no." It was like
holding a dead snake.

Hmm.

But I guess you never know
until you try.

(SONG CONTINUES)

Uh, before I do drink this, though,

I just wanna let you know

that I am fully planning
on having sex tonight.

With... With you.

Yeah, I mean, wherever
the wind blows us.

Well, the wind's gonna
blow us there.

Wherever the night
takes us.

It's gonna take your penis
into my vagina.

Okay. Uh... You know,
if the universe wills it.

And the universe will will it.

-Thanks for letting me know. I guess.
-(LAUGHING)

-(COUGHS)
-Uh, yeah.

-Oh, my God!
-I warned you.

-This is what gin tastes like?
-No, no.

-I've heard that gin sucks and this sucks.
-No, it's...

-I made it. Um...
-Oh.

This is so dumb. Okay?

Yeah, our kids are gonna hate us
because you're gonna humiliate them.

I'm not gonna humiliate Julie.
We're best friends.

I'm the cool mom.

Hunter, don't make me
sit on your balls again.

Stop, stop, stop it,
stop, stop!

This is how they're gonna
be remembered in high school,

as the weirdos whose parents
dragged them out of prom

because they were afraid
of their sexuality.

It's not something that should be feared,
it should be celebrated.

And... And we have to empower
these young women.

I mean, what year is it, guys? It's 2018.

(CAR HONKS)

-Jesus Christ!
-MITCHELL: Oh, gross.

HUNTER: Okay, you know what?

That's an unfortunate coincidence.

Get a fucking room!

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

-(SHOUTS)
-(YELPS)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Let's take a picture!

Kayla! Let's take a picture right now.

Okay, cool!

Cheese!

Oh, my God,
my mom called me, like, 15 times.

-She's crazy!
-Nope.

-No. That's a no.
-That's kind of funny.

-Boom! Airplane mode.
-No.

Yeah. We're flying
the friendly skies now.

Yeah, until she freaks out.

Look, can we please get out of here?

No! We can't go right now.

They haven't even played
me and Austin's song yet.

How are we gonna get in the mood?

I don't know, light your Walgreens candle.

That's later.

Don't you want... Look, look.
Jake Donahue is just warming up.

Don't you wanna see him
breakdance and probably hurt himself?

-No. I don't.
-JULIE: It's gonna be so good.

Do you remember
at the Sadie Hawkins Dance

when he tried to do the worm
and he fell and broke his two front teeth?

-Yeah, he had to go to the hospital.
-I have pictures.

It was great.
And this is gonna be better!

-No, no, no.
-So we're staying.

No! Julie, Julie. I promise

that you're gonna dance
to your song with your boyfriend tonight.

This place is dying, okay?

We gotta get out of here.

Okay, fine.

Okay, cool, let's go.

We're going to the lake house!

JULIE: I'm not sure
that this was worth $85.

Where's Chad?

What?

Oh, he's probably
out on the dance floor.

I'm gonna go find him
and meet you guys outside.

All right.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

The fuck?

Smirking little piece of shit.

-Top knot. Top knot.
-Let's get him.

Yeah, you guys go do that.

I'm gonna get some punch.

All right, asshole,
what'd you do with my daughter?

Two of you guys have the same
shitty haircut? Hey!

Look at me.
My hair's too long.

Hey! You can't go around
assaulting children.

You have to blend in

if you want
some information, okay?

So just... Just be cool. God!

Okay.

LISA: Julie?

Julie?

(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

(EXHALES)

Prom night, huh?

What?

Just special night.

Gotta try.

-Chad?
-Yeah?

(MUSIC FADES)

(INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION)

(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

(WHISPERS)
This is my moment.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

-(GRUNTS)
-(SCREAMING)

You ruined my moment!

Fuck your moment.

LISA: What happened back there?

What happened is that my daughter was
kissing Chad even though she hated it...

And I've been dragged in this situation
by you two fucking idiots!

-Just ignore him.
-Great idea.

We're gonna go to Austin's house.

Julie said that's where the after-party
is and we'll get 'em there.

And that sounds like a plan.

Hey, how dare you ignore me.

We are in this situation
because you two raised a couple of bigots

who have shamed my daughter into
losing her virginity to the wrong sex.

Shame!

My daughter is not a bigot.

-(SCOFFING)
-We go to all of the marches.

We went to the Tax Day March
and nobody goes to that shit.

-Nobody!
-Ignore him.

-LISA: It's hard.
-Yeah, it is hard.

'Cause I don't quit.

And now I have to go rescue Sam

because she is scared and confused

and I know what it's like to be ostracized
by society for your sexual preferences.

Sleeping with women that aren't your wife
isn't a sexual preference.

No, it is! I prefer them.

-(MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY)
-MITCHELL: How parents can let their kids

play music this loud?

We all share this planet.

This is how loud
I listen to my music, dawg.

LISA: Probably won't even be
able to hear us.

-(RINGING DOORBELL)
-It's so dark in there.

They could be in the backyard
playing two-on-two hoops. I don't know.

Oh. I found a big window.

No, no, don't, don't, don't.

Trust me. Do not look in that window.

-MITCHELL: What?
-Look at me. Do not look in this window.

Do not look in this fucking window!

-Julie's red dress!
-Shit!

Shit! Oh, God.

I know this must be tough for you.

I mean, if...

Hell, if that was Kayla in there, I'd...

-I'd kill myself.
-Nope.

That's the wrong thing
to fucking say right now.

Stop them. Stop it!

I can't... Wait.

Hey! It's not Julie.

It's not Julie.

-What?
-(LAUGHING)

LISA: Shit! It's Austin's parents.

Good for them.

Really going at it.

Always wanted to do this. I've always
wanted to watch people have sex.

Oh, my God, he's yanking her hair.

Ow. That looks like it hurts.

Yeah, we shouldn't
be looking, man. Come on.

MITCHELL: She runs the risk
of, like, dislocating her hip.

Hey, Mitchell. You're being
a fucking perv, dude.

Don't look.

(CATHY MOANS)

(MOANING)

(YELPING)

What happened?

We locked eyes and then he finished.

That means his load
is on your soul for eternity.

MITCHELL: Holy shit!

LISA: Oh, shit, he's coming.

I'll pretend I'm a plant.

RON: Mitchell?
What are you doing?

-Lisa?
-Hey, Ron!

What are you guys doing out here?

CATHY: Hi!

-LISA: Hey!
-What a nice surprise!

We thought the kids were here.
We didn't realize you guys were here.

Oh, Cath and I were just having
a little prom night role-play.

-You know, to keep the sex life alive.
-Prom night!

Where are the kids?
Um, do you know where the kids are?

The kids are at
Kyler Montero's lake house.

How do you know that?

-Because Austin told us.
-Yeah.

He's texted me, like, 19 times tonight.

-Ugh. Oh, my God.
-Yeah, we tell each other everything.

CATHY: It's unbelievable.

He knows about prom night.

-CATHY: Well, you know.
-I'm sorry, you...

You tell your son
about your sex games with your wife?

Uh-huh. Yeah.

-Can't do that. There's a line.
-Yeah, it's weird.

It's... It's weird.

We have a very open family here.

-Yes, we do.
-We don't hide anything.

You know what, what is Kyler's address?

(STAMMERS) Okay, listen, I feel like
I can't betray Austin's confidence in me

and frankly if Julie wanted to
tell you where the house was,

she would've told you.

-Uh-uh.
-I got... Hold on, hold on. Buh, buh, buh.

Give us the address.

Or my giant friend's
gonna tear your husband's dick off.

Yeah.

(LAUGHS) No, I'm not.

-No, I'm not.
-Excuse me?

No, no, no. That's... That's good.

And, uh, sorry to interrupt your evening.

I hope you guys enjoy
the rest of your love-making.

HUNTER: Ah, fuck!
MITCHELL: Come on, man.

LISA: What was that about?
MITCHELL: What?

Hey, man, thank you
for killing my daughter's hymen.

I don't think so.
Kyler Montero's lake house?

Marcie did the bathroom.

She's gonna know the address.
So let's just go.

-All right, dope.
-Dope.

(ALL WHOOPING)

-Oh, my eyes!
-Yeah!

RUDY: Okay, come on in now.

It's all fun and games
until there's a decapitation.

I don't need any more
dead girls on my conscience.

I'm sorry, Rudy!

We just had to check that off
the old prom bucket list.

Oh, my God! Sam!

-Come here. Yeah!
-Move, Chad!

-Chad, you want a drink?
-No.

What you got there?

This is a very, very special
reduced hash oil of my own invention.

It has rosemary essence for blood flow,

a curcumin extract
from turmeric to reduce inflammation.

And it gets you super baked.

(CHUCKLES)
All right! Let's do it. Do I just suck?

Yeah, you press the button
and you take, like, a little puff.

Or a really, really big one.
Okay. (LAUGHS)

And then you just hold it
for, like, a beat.

You guys know that Tanner Dunn's
parents rented out a whole floor

of the Park West Hotel
for an after-party?

-What?
-(SCOFFS)

Um... Yeah... He, uh...

I guess they're super loaded
and they're still proud of him,

even though it took him, like,
six years to graduate.

I remember him. He got to miss
school when his kid was born.

Yeah, that guy.

You should definitely
let it go now.

(EXHALING)

Holy shit.

Oh, yeah. I can run a six-minute mile.
My lung capacity is legit.

-No!
-One more selfie.

And this time let's pose like Kanye.

No! Boo!

-Yes.
-You take too many pictures.

-(CAMERA CLICKS)
-They don't look like him.

HUNTER: It's just
a bunch of paint samples and swatches.

(WHISPERS) Hunter! Quiet!

Why do I have to be quiet?

Shit would not fly
if Marcie found out.

Who wears the pants
in this house, dawg?

-I do.
-ALL: Oh!

(SLURPING)

Mmm.

This is soy creamer,
are you sure? It's pretty freaking rich.

This is so messed up.

Who are you to get involved
in our daughter's sex life?

-Honey, I was just trying...
-No, don't "honey" me.

Did your dad try to stop you
when you lost your virginity?

That's totally different.

It is not different.
It's a double standard.

Oh, when a guy loses his virginity,
it's no big deal, it's celebrated,

but if a girl does,
it's some sort of big loss of innocence?

-Yes!
-MARCIE: But come on, you guys,

it's the same damn thing.

(GROANS) Marcie! Stop talking.

-Just give us the address.
-Just give us the address.

Honestly, Lisa,
I can't believe you're on their side.

"Side"? This is not
some philosophical debate.

We're trying to stop
our daughters from some kind of sex pact

that they've planned and not
thought through all the way.

That is such bullshit.

How do you expect society

to treat women as if they're equal
when their own parents won't?

I don't know about that.

I'll deal with society tomorrow.
Right now I'm thinking about my daughter.

Well, that's convenient.
Yeah. You know what?

Go ahead
and be part of the group

that perceives women as little
damsels in distress that need saving.

Who cares about us
not getting paid as much

or not having control of our own bodies?

Can you please not talk to me like
I'm someone who bombs abortion clinics?

I think we're a little off-topic.
We need the address.

I just can't believe

that you think Julie
shouldn't be free to explore her sexuality

in the same way that boys are.

Girls and boys are very different.

Guys will take
whatever's in front of them.

We have these feelings and then

your parents won't
let you see the man.

And then he just writes a lot of letters

but you don't get them
because your mom doesn't give them to you

and then it starts raining really hard

because he built a house for you.

And then, it's...

Mitchell, did you get the address?

-Yup!
-MARCIE: What?

I'm really sorry.
I'll call you tomorrow.

-I'm just really stressed out.
-It was so good to see you.

Was that The Notebook?

Fucking fuck off, Hunter!
God damn it! Mitchell!

MITCHELL: I love you, I'm doing this
for our daughter, I'll be home late!

Shit!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

To the loss of our innocence.

Whoo!

Oh!

Come on!

You guys!
This is the best night!

I am so drunk, super high

and Connor has a little
something-something that I feel

I need to go check out.

All right. (SIGHS)
It's fuck o'clock.

JULIE: No way. You, too?
SAM: Yep.

-These are macarons...
-Ooh!

with a very special concoction
of mine that I call Wavy Davy.

So it's DMT that I get
from the dark web.

And then there's
a little tiny bit of Xanax

to just kind of take
the edge off, you know. It's pretty tight.

Sounds pretty tight.

And then I bake it
into a white chocolate macaron

and it has, like, a raspberry filling

that's both light and fluffy
but also very flavorful and satisfying.

Are you ready?

-Uh, yeah. Yeah.
-Yeah, let's do it.

Okay. Let's go.

Mmm.

-It's yum.
-(CHUCKLES)

Mmm.

So what do we do? We just walk in

and flick the lights
on and off until the kids come?

LISA: Just act cool and young,
and maybe we'll just slip in.

Mitchell, untuck your shirt.

No, it's not that kind of shirt.
It looks stupid untucked.

Untuck your shirt.
You look like a youth minister.

HUNTER: Untuck your fucking shirt, man.
We're trying to look cool.

MITCHELL: All right!

Whoa. Oh, Sorry, bro!
Sorry, guys.

Sorry. My friend's wasted.

Don't.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey!
No adults are getting into my house.

Not on prom night.
Okay, not on prom.

We were just down the street
at another party

and then we just decided
to come up here

and hang with you guys. Uh...

No parents here, right?

Ah, thank God!

No, not except for you guys. No.

-We're not... We don't...
-(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, no.

Okay, so you're cops.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I got two DUIs last year.
How could I be a cop?

MITCHELL: The police?

Look at my untucked shirt.

You're literally the cop-iest
motherfucker I've ever seen.

You look like you got
your hair cut in the back of a squad car.

-This is a regular men's haircut.
-HUNTER: Okay.

This is ridiculous.

All right, you're minors,
we're minors.

You're, like, 45 years old.

Fuck you. I was born in '77.

'87.

'94.

We're gonna drink with you guys.

Would cops drink
with underage kids? No.

Okay. What about
a little chugging contest?

Um...

Yeah. Bring it.

Okay, wait.

I gotta get the room ready.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, wow!

You're really going for it, aren't ya?

I saw this in the romantic
comedy, American Beauty. So good.

You watched the whole thing?

(CHUCKLES)

You know what this candle does to me.

Is that the one that gives you hives?

-No, it's the good one.
-Oh, nice.

You look so hot right now.

Where are my chuggers at?
You ready?

-Oh, right here. Let's go!
-What, what!

KYLER: All right.

MITCHELL: Cool.

Drop 'em.

KYLER: Let's do it.

Wait, what?

(CHUCKLES) Guys?
We're just chugging, right?

Yeah, we're butt-chugging.

Yeah, you put the tube
up your butt and you funnel the beer in.

It fucks you up way more, man, trust me.

-Guys, butt-chugging?
-You got this. You got it.

No, I'm tagging out. You're in.

What? Why me?

You've had a baby.
Everything's looser down there.

-I didn't have a baby out of my butt.
-Even I know that.

Mitchell.

Okay, this isn't a common
occurrence with me,

but I have had things up there before.

-Hmm?
-It's just all about breathing.

So just breathe through it,
and accept it in.

I can't do it. I can't do it.

Hey! She's up there right now
with that dick-bag, Connor,

with his man bun
and that stupid smirk.

Think about this.

Wait. Connor?

You know... You know
Connor Aldrich, The Chef?

Why do they call him "The Chef"?

Oh. Maybe a big fan of South Park?

(IMITATES CHEF)
"Hello, children."

No. No. He cooks drugs into everything.

Everything! One time he made me this,
like, acid financier cake.

Oh! That shit was to die for, man!

Like, literally, I almost fucking died.

Yeah. Dude, if your daughter
had anything like that cake,

she might not remember
who you are tomorrow.

Give me the fucking tube.

Let's bone.

CHAD: Wait, what?

Oh! Are you sure
that this is how you wanna do it?

Yes, Chad. This is always
how I've imagined it.

Oh, you know, I'd rather
leave my shirt on, if that's sexier.

(CHUCKLES)
I need another drink.

Wait, wait, uh...

Can you lube it up
with something first?

-Yeah, I'll just spit on it.
-No!

Why? Because I'm a man?
Get over yourself.

No, 'cause you're fucking gross
and your fucking saliva's gross.

-I have lip gloss.
-We got lip gloss.

Okay, fine. Shit.

I don't have lip gloss.

JAYDEN: All right, guys,
let's get those tubes in.

-All right, I got the lip gloss on there.
-Okay.

Okay, okay. All right.

Okay, ready?

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

-It's not in yet.
-MITCHELL: Okay.

HUNTER: Chill.

LISA: It's just gonna be
on the count of three.

HUNTER: You got this, dawg.
This is for your kid.

On three, okay. All right.

-On three.
-Yeah.

-Okay, one...
-MITCHELL: One.

(GROANS)

HUNTER: Are you okay?

Okay, get your 40s.

They got a lager or an IPA.

It doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

-LISA: Okay.
-(EXHALES)

-MITCHELL: I don't know about this.
-No, no, no, no.

It's too late.
It's already in.

-Here you go.
-It's in you. It's part of you now.

-Ready?
-Yeah.

Set...

Chug!

Butt chug! Butt chug!

ALL: (CHANTING)
Butt chug! Butt chug!

Wait.

-Hey, hey!
-LISA: Loosen up!

-It's not working, dude.
-I can't!

-You can hold my hand!
-Okay.

-Ow!
-HUNTER: You're hurting her.

-LISA: God! It really hurt!
-I'm sorry!

Channel that energy
into your butt hole.

MITCHELL: This changes
everything I know!

HUNTER: Dude, if your daughter could
see you now she'd be so proud of you.

(CHANTING CONTINUES)

Whoa...

I am...
I am tripping so hard.

It's not working.
It's not working, dude.

-Oh, it's terrible.
-MITCHELL: It is.

Open up!

I'm sorry. I can't do it, man.

Focus! For your daughter.

Fuck, Mitch. Focus.

-You gotta breathe.
-You gotta open up, dude.

-Relax!
-I'm relaxed! I'm dilated.

I'm staring at your asshole.
You're not dilating.

LISA: Mitchell, you're gonna
lose to this punk bitch?

Breathe. Take it in!

(CHANTING CONTINUES)

LISA: There we go.

-Okay, good.
-Oh! (LAUGHING)

-It's working!
-It's working! Holy shit!

-Holy shit!
-It's working!

We're almost halfway done.

-(SIREN BLARES)
-Pos! Fucking run!

Cops? (GROANS)

What? Oh, no!

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

Ass beer! (GAGGING)

Lisa, the foam went into my mouth!
I have to go to the hospital!

-(BANGING ON DOOR)
-GIRL: Hurry up! Get out of here!

(GASPING) Shit!

We gotta go.

I got ass beer,
I should go to the hospital.

-(SIRENS WAIL)
-MITCHELL: Shit! The fucking cops?

-The fucking cops are here?
-Wait, wait, wait.

I can't get the tube out.
Pull the tube out.

-Leese, pull it out.
-No! I put it in!

-I had to spit on it!
-What? You spit on it?

-No, it was my lip gloss.
-What the fuck?

-It was lip gloss.
-Pull it out!

Hey, man, be gentle.
Be fucking gentle, all right?

I'm gonna be gentle,
all right? Ready?

-All right, on three.
-On three...

-One.
-Ow!

(ULULATES)

(SCREAMS)

Come on.

Hey, guys!

Guys!

JULIE: Wait, wait. Sam.

Sam!

Sam, Sam! We're over here.

No!

No. No.

-The night is over.
-No.

It's over. It's done.

The night is not over.

The night has just begun.

Jesus, Chad, use your legs.

I mean, I pretty much
carried her, like, the whole way there.

(ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(GROANING)

Hustle, hustle, hustle!

Come on, Sam.

-Come with us!
-I can't.

My car is here.

But all my friends
are going to the hotel party.

Maybe I'll see you later.

(ETHEREAL MUSIC CONTINUES)

-Get in the car. Go, go, go, girl!
-JULIE: Sam!

-You'll see her later!
-Seriously, hurry up!

What are you doing?

Whoo, this night is not over,
I swear to Christ!

Dukes of Hazzard!

(GRUNTS, GROANS)

Racist-ass show anyway.

I got the spins, man.

We gotta find
our daughter, dawg.

I'm gonna sit down
for a second.

Rudy! It's Rudy.

HUNTER: Rudy, Rudy,
wait, wait!

MITCHELL: There he goes!
Hit the clicker, open the door!

I got mine.

Seatbelts!

You'll get a big ticket.

HUNTER: That's them right there.

They're getting away.
You gotta go faster.

-Okay.
-Hey, you gotta be in it 110%.

-LISA: Okay.
-You gotta be in it to win it!

How do you get
more competitive when you're drunk?

Hey, man. I'm more of a winner
when I'm drunk, all right?

And the question
that I have for you, Leese...

Are you a winner?
Are you in it to win it?

-Winning is my bitch!
-All right!

-Strong.
-Knock, knock!

Who's there?

-Me winning.
-(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

It's not...

It's not that good.

(BOTH CONTINUE LAUGHING)

-Ow. Ow!
-Lisa winning!

It's not that good!

Ow! Fuck! All right, it's good.
It's fine. I like it.

Hey, you're losing him.
Let's go.

Oh. Not on my watch.

(INCREASES VOLUME)

(ALL YELP)

Y'all think you gonna outrun
Rudy the main motherfucking man Glover?

Hell, no.

-Are you all right?
-No.

Come on.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Hey, guys.

Hey, I don't...

I don't feel so...
(RETCHING)

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

(SCREAMING)

HUNTER: All right,
here's what we're gonna do.

Lisa, I have seen every single
Fast and the Furious movie, okay?

All of them, dozens of times.
Have you seen any of them?

I saw the Tokyo one, and I saw the one
where The Rock punches the torpedo.

Those are the best two to see.

Okay, in times like this,
I ask myself one question.

"W-W-V-D-D." You know
what that means?

"What would Vin Diesel do?"

Holy shit!

No one's ever fucking
gotten that before. Okay.

(RETCHING)

(SCREAMING)

-(CHAD SCREAMING)
-Oh, man, it smells like...

What we're gonna do,
we're gonna kiss the bumper.

You give it a little tap,
and then they're gonna spin and stop

and we're gonna
spin and stop the other way

and we're gonna
look at each other, and we're gonna go,

"It's all about the family."

Wait. I don't feel comfortable
running the kids off the road.

This slow and un-furious attitude
is not helping us. You have to believe!

Okay. I'm gonna kiss it.

HUNTER: Here we go!

-MITCHELL: What's that?
-(GRUNTS) Did I do it?

No, you didn't even kiss it.
You gotta kiss it.

(IMITATES VIN DIESEL)
Kiss it for the family!

BOTH: Is that Sam?

LISA: She barfed on us!

-HUNTER: Oh, my God!
-(TIRES SCREECHING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(METAL CREAKING)

(WHIMPERS)

(QUIETLY) Okay.

Are we in heaven?

Okay. Listen, I know
how to do this.

Everyone lean backwards.

If we all lean backwards
on three, the car will roll back. Ready?

-Okay.
-One,

two, three.

Oh, fuck!

-Ahhh!
-(THUDS)

(TRICKLING)

Well, that's the last
of the ass beer.

Jesus! That's it.

Are you okay?
Are you bleeding?

You might have
internal blood injuries.

I'm all right, I'm all right.

Here's the problem.

The Fast and The Furious
movies are not realistic.

Where are we? Shit!

Fuck!

(STRAINING)

What are you doing?

I heard that in times of crisis,
parents have superhuman strength.

No offense, there's no scientific way
you're gonna flip that car over.

I couldn't even do that.

Yeah, I couldn't do it, either.

Do not tell me
what I can and can't do. (PANTING)

(STRAINING)

Kayla's not answering again.

-God damn it!
-We lost 'em, guys.

We are fucked! Or maybe not.

What are you doing?

Trying to telepathically
communicate with Kayla.

I'm with the X-Men of parents.

You know what my secret power is?

I'm super fucking annoyed
right now and I hurt my love handle.

All right.

You guys think my new clothes
go with my fedora?

I'm just kidding,
I know they do. (CHUCKLES)

Hey.

Have you talked to your mom?

No.

So my parents were just texting me

and they were having sex
and your mom showed up looking for you.

Oh, my God. I'm sorry.

-It's okay. They have sex all the time.
-(SIGHS)

(CELL PHONE VIBRATTING)

Oh, my God, she... The texts.

So many texts.

She's mad.

I need to handle this.

Good news.
A Lyft is on its way.

Oh, wait, no,
I know this guy. He sucks.

-(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
-Oh, shit. It's Julie.

Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool.

Be quiet. Okay.

JULIE: (ON PHONE)
Hey, Mom!

I just got all your texts

and I just wanted to let you
know that we're all good.

LISA: Cool. Cool. Okay.

Um... Are you at the prom?

Yeah. Yeah, just nonstop
magical moments.

Huh. You are lying to me.

Where are you right now?
Where are you?

Why are you freaking out?

I'm freaking out
because I know what you're up to.

And I know that
you and your friends

are planning some kind of
little sex pact or whatever.

What did you say?

You heard me.

How could you possibly know?

Because I am your mother
and I know you.

And I know you
better than you know yourself.

And I also know that you're
planning on going to UCLA

and that you're following Austin.

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

I know everything.

Oh, my God, you know nothing!

Why do you even assume
that it's me following Austin?

Huh? You're not worried
about me, Mom.

You're worried about you.

You're afraid of losing me.
You're afraid of being alone.

I am not scared
of being alone. (LAUGHS)

This is not about me.

I have not thought about myself
for the last 18 years.

This is about you.

And as a single mother,

I am trying to stop you
from making a life-ruining decision.

So I was "a life-ruining decision"?

No. No!

No, that is not what I meant.

No, that is not what I meant.

You know what, Mom?

I'm not going to UCLA
because of some boy, okay?

I'm going to UCLA because
it's the furthest I can get from you.

Well...

Hello?

Nanaru is on his way.

Forty-six minutes.

Well...

So, she hates me. (SNIFFLES)

She doesn't hate you.

Kayla's ignoring me. She's bringing it
to a whole new level of spite.

Yeah.

-That's a new level of pain.
-(SIGHS)

Yeah. I know.

It's just different for me
because I gave birth to her

and I just feel very connected.

She was living in my body.

Kayla grew in me.

She grew in me. She did.

She grew from my balls
and I shot her into Marcie.

This is the same for you and me.

Not exactly.

I mean, you have daily love in your life

and I'm probably gonna die alone

and won't be found for a really long time.

Until one day, someone will be walking by

with their golden retriever,

and the dog is just gonna lose its shit.

And then they're gonna call the police

and then they're gonna
come in and find me draped over the tub

with my feral cats eating away at my hair.

'Cause cats do that.

The fuck is wrong with you?
That is some dark shit!

You're gonna die alone?

-Whoa, whoa. My man! Come on!
-Where the hell did you get that idea?

I call you all the time.

You ever return my calls? No.

Because we're not really
friends, you and me.

We're not friends?

I don't mean it at that...

You know what you are?

You are like the thing
that pops up on Facebook...

And then it's, like, this beautiful
picture of your grandma who's dead.

And you're, like, "Fuck you,
Facebook, for reminding me of my loss."

That's why you're avoiding me?
Because I remind you of loss?

Yes! I don't wanna be reminded of sweet,
young Julie and our kids

and that beautiful time
in our lives is over.

Oh, God! Boo-fucking-hoo with you two!

You guys completely ignore me. Always.

Yeah, no shit, cheater.

Oh, "Cheater"?
That's my designation?

That's what I am?
I'm the cheater?

Fuck that shit.

Did you guys ever once call me
when that went down

and ask me my side of the story?

You didn't.

I would've told you the truth.

I would've told you
that Brenda had stopped talking to me

months before that happened.

Do you know she hooked up with her boss
at a company retreat in Wisconsin?

Do you know she beat me up?

She fucking beat me up
at a Romano's fucking Macaroni Grill!

She fucking slapped me
in front of the fucking maître'd!

-I didn't know that.
-I'm sorry, man.

And I fucking embarrassed myself

and I embarrassed myself
in front of my daughter.

And I thought, "You know,
I should pull back a little bit,"

and fucking Frank showed up.

And I pulled back more

and I thought, "One day I'm gonna fix it.

"One day I'm gonna fucking fix it."

And then I thought if I gave her
something awesome like a great night...

I could get close with her
again, but I can't.

(SNIFFLES)

'Cause she's gone.
They're just...

(SIGHS) The kids,

-they just leave.
-Oh, shit!

I know how we can find 'em.

Go to Cathy and Ron's.

Austin's been texting them
all night.

Did you hear
anything I said just now?

That's a great idea.

(SIGHS) Fuck it.
It's just good to say it out loud.

Let's go flip that car.

Hell...

Jesus Christ!

Oh, my fucking God!

Shit!

My car just exploded.

Nanaru is 26 minutes away.
So that's good.

I thought I canceled him.

Thanks, Nanaru.

So Austin's parents
aren't gonna just tell us where they are.

So we need to get Ron's phone,

read the texts, and find our kids. Okay?

Hunter, it's not gonna be you.

So, Mitchell, it's you.

No. That's breaking
and entering. That is...

I'm uncomfortable with that.

Are you a team player,
or aren't you?

Am I a team player?

I just chugged a 40 with my asshole.
I'm a team player.

Then get your head in the game.

It's the bottom of the third.

We are down by one
and there is not a lot of game left.

There is a lot of game left though.

Listen. You have
one pass left. One. One pass.

-(STAMMERS)
-Is it rugby? Is it

-Australian rules football?
-They don't put a limit on passing.

If it was the third,
then I'd have the fourth.

You know what?
You know what's happening right now?

Let me tell you
what's happening right now,

is Kayla and Connor
are sliding into bed.

He's grabbing a condom

and then he's flicking it
to the side

with a smirk on his face.

That fucking smirk. No way.

We need a Hail Mary pass.
Are you up for that, son?

-Yes, Coach.
-Well, I can't hear you.

-Yes, Coach. I'm in it!
-I can't hear you.

I can fucking do this!
Let's go!

HUNTER: We gotta be quiet.

HUNTER: (WHISPERS) Careful.

(EXHALES)

All right, go.

Go.

Did you...

(WHISPERING) Go. There's a person!

(MOUTHING) What? Fuck you.

Jesus Christ.

RON: I'm gonna get you!

(CHUCKLES)
Not if I get you first.

(CATHY IMITATES MONKEY)

Get away from here.

I'm fucking out!

-Mitchell, in!
-Get in. (GASPS)

Cath?

CATHY: Ron, no talking.

Come on, we had a deal.

We have to find each other
by sensing each other's musks.

Can't use our voices.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(THUDDING)

(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

(CATHY IMITATES MONKEY)

Here, kitty, kitty.

I can smell that musk.

-(HISSING)
-(CATHY PURRING)

-(CATHY YELPS)
-(RON CHUCKLES)

-(MOUTHS)
-RON: Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! I like
the sound of that!

CATHY: Oh!

RON: Oh! Hey!

You wanna touch first,
that works for Ronnie!

You want me to touch you?

-Help yourself. Yes.
-You want me to touch you?

I'm gonna touch you. Hard.

-Do it.
-How about I touch you...

-Do it.
-...with my nails, baby?

-Let's have it!
-Oh!

-CATHY: Your hair is so sexy, babe.
-Oh, your grip is unbelievable.

I want you to touch me
where I like.

My balls. You know?

(BOTH MOUTHING)

-RON: I want it bad. Do it, come on!
-Really? How bad?

RON: Let's go. Come on.
Come on, do it!

-You there?
-What, this isn't hard enough?

RON: Let's go. Come on.

-CATHY: Harder?
-RON: Come on, do it.

Do it, I'm waiting.

Okeydoke.

CATHY: Oh, yeah,
you like that?

Hey, man, I don't judge
people's sex shit.

But that was
ridiculous and stupid.

Way to take one
for the team, guys.

Hold on, hold on,
hold on. Here it is.

"The police came
to the lake house.

"Almost lost my flower
but didn't quite work out."

ALL: "Flower"?

He said that? He's a boy.

LISA: Buh, buh, buh...
"Heading to the Park West Hotel.

"We've got the Grand Lux Suite.

"Looks like the little boy
is becoming a man."

Fucking dork.

Okay, so that was
10 minutes ago.

So they haven't had sex yet.

We can still catch them.

Okay, let's do this.

Hey.

-Hey.
-Hey.

How's she doing?
Is she okay?

No, she's not doing okay.
She's bummed.

She doesn't even wanna kiss.
And I love kissing.

Give me your room key.

-What? Why?
-Yeah.

Give me your room key and then
bring her up in, like, 15 minutes.

Uh, okay.

Yes. Thanks. You're the man.
Thank you for this.

(SIGHS)

How we supposed to find them
in this place? It's got, like, 20 rooms.

HUNTER: I'm sorry,
what the fuck are you talking about?

"Twenty"? It's got,
like, 200! What? Twenty?

Grand Lux Suite is on the top floor.

HUNTER: Go, go, go! Move!

Hurry, Lisa!

(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIGHS)

What am I doing here?

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Oh, my God! (GASPS)

Oh, my God, my favorite!

That's so sweet. (GASPS)

Oh, my God!
This is a dream! (GASPS)

It's, like, perfect!
That is so nice! You're so sweet.

It actually wasn't me.
It was Kayla.

She wanted you to have
the perfect night.

That's why it looks so good.

Well,

why do you look so good?

(CHUCKLES) You're such a dork.

I know.

Oh, my God! (GASPS)

(GIGGLES)

Not as smooth as I could have.

Let me get my shoes.

Kayla?

(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER STOPS)

Nobody move, where's Kayla?

Kayla?

Kayla?

Get that outta here.

-Um, how's this work?
-No, just leave it.

-Okay, cool. Mmm-hmm.
-It's difficult.

Play sports!

And that's that.

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

So, you sure you wanna do this?

Yeah.

Yes! Fuck, yeah.

You're gonna penis me.

Yeah.

First I'm gonna...

I'm just gonna touch it.

You wanna touch it?
Yeah, you can touch it.

-Yeah, yeah, go for it.
-Okay, just, like...

Oh! Wow!

Okay. That is like the greatest feeling
I've ever had in my entire life.

-(SHUDDERS)
-Really?

It doesn't just feel like
a super-dry hand of a friend?

No. Nope.

Okay. So,

do you wanna

put it in?

No.

Okay.

-I can't. I'm sorry.
-You know what?

Look, we don't...
(SHOUTING)

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

-Holy shit!
-Look at all of it.

Oh, my gosh!
I gotta get over.

-Okay. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
-(LAUGHING)

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry,
I'm so sorry. I just...

-It's okay.
-I was thinking about it

and you, and then it just...

I'm sorry.

-(PANTING)
-(CHUCKLES)

You're amazing.

I know we're still virgins,

but I feel different.
You know?

Yeah.

I know. (SIGHS)

You ready to, uh, do this?

Wait.

Wait. Um...

Ah, shit.

Shit.

Maybe Julie was right.

Like, maybe

losing your virginity doesn't
have to be perfect, but...

I feel like it should just be, like,
a little bit more special than this.

-Yeah.
-Like, not cheesy, but...

Like, if I was hard-pressed
right now,

I don't think I could
remember your last name.

-It's Aldrich.
-Aldrich!

I thought it was Ostrich.

I didn't realize that you're a virgin.
You know?

Yeah.

Um, but, like, I'd still be down to do it

but maybe, like, you know,

when we get to know
each other a little more.

Like, maybe Monday
or something?

Yeah.

Not to, like,
plan it and be weird.

No, no, I can look
at my schedule and see if it's...

-Okay.
-(BOTH LAUGHING)

Pencil it in.

-Um, yeah, that's cool.
-Okay, cool.

Let's just relax. We could do
some light journaling or something.

Yeah, yeah, we could do that.

Or we could do,
like, other stuff.

Yeah, like what?

Like...

Not sex, but... (SIGHS)

I'm still down for pleasure.

(CHUCKLES)

You got this.

Hey, guys, what's up?
Anyone seen Sam?

Anyone seen Sam?

Chad!

(GROANS)

Oh, Jesus!

(BOTH GROANING)

What the...

You again?

-You?
-What the fuck?

What's your beef with me, dude?

I don't know who the fuck you are!

I'm Jake motherfucking Donahue!

That name means nothing to me!

Do you know what it's like to be
humiliated in front of everyone you know

and have to seek redemption for that?

Actually, yes, I do!

Kayla?

Kayla?

Kayla?

Get the hell away from my daughter,
you little piece of shit!

-Dad, what the...
-(SHRIEKING)

KAYLA: Oh, my God!

Are you okay?
He didn't hurt you, did he?

What? No, he didn't hurt me.

Holy shit! Connor?

Oh, my God! Are you okay?

I'm actually totally fine.

Connor, I'm so sorry.

-Are you okay, though? Are you sure?
-Yeah.

Dad! What the...

What are you doing here?

I've been following you
around all night!

Are you ser... Oh, my God!

You've been following me?

-Are you crazy?
-You gave me no choice!

You're in over your head
with this kid.

I am not some pathetic
damsel in distress that needs saving.

-I can handle myself.
-No, you can't.

-Yes, I can!
-No, you can't!

-Yes, I can!
-Kayla,

you can't. And that's why I'm here.

It's my job.

Oh.

Yeah, so you just don't think I can make
my own decisions and handle myself.

That really fucking sucks.

(SIGHS) Kayla...

Kayla, I'm just trying
to figure this thing out.

God! Why is sex even bad?

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

I don't know. I don't know.
It's not... You know, it's...

I don't know.

I'm...

I'm just trying to be
the best dad I can be.

Well, you are.

You taught me everything.

You built me up.

Made me strong.

You made me
into who I am. Like, that's...

(CHUCKLES)

You did not have to save me
tonight, Dad.

You taught me how to do that
a long time ago.

And I love you for it.

You're the best coach ever.
(CHUCKLES)

Thank you. (SNIFFLING) Thank you.

Oh, Dad, come on.

Come on, toughen up.

It was just really nice,
what you said.

-It's good. It's good.
-I mean it.

Thanks, I feel like...

Like Phil Jackson
when he was coaching the Bulls...

And then they were so good.

-(CHUCKLES)
-(SNIFFLES)

-That's how I feel right now.
-Yeah.

AUSTIN: Uh, I should've taken
my socks off first.

(KIDS LAUGHING)

I'm just warning you, I've practiced a few
times but this might not go that well.

That doesn't look right.

-Yeah, all right.
-I think you need another one.

AUSTIN: I think we need
another one, too.

JULIE: Wait, wait.

We have to do our dance.

-We have to... Yeah, yeah.
-What, now?

Naked?

No, get me one of
those, um, hotel robes.

I wanna feel fabulous.

(LAUGHS) Okay.

Coming right up, my lady.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING
ON SPEAKERS)

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

AUSTIN: We're gonna christen
every corner of this room.

And when we're done,

let's FaceTime my parents.

JULIE: Okay, but right now,
I want you to stare into my eyes.

AUSTIN: What?

JULIE: Mmm-hmm. I just want,
like, a real connection.

AUSTIN: So you just want me
to look straight into your eyes

for the next three minutes and 37 seconds?

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Look at me.

-(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
-(THUDS)

-(CRACKLING)
-(MOANS)

(GASPS)

(SIGHS)

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

-(EXCLAIMS) Dad?
-Where is he?

What are you doing here?

Chad?

Hey, Chad, you motherfucker.

Oh, my God, are you kidding me?

Did he make you do something
you don’t wanna do?

'Cause I don’t care
if he's the fucking coolest kid in school.

I'm gonna shove his fedora
so far up his ass, it'll be a hat.

No, Dad, we didn't do it.

All right? And even if we did,
it would be none of your business.

It's just, I was worried about you.
(SIGHS)

Well, that's a first.

I deserve that.

(SIGHS) Sam, I gotta tell you something
and I'm just gonna say it.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

Sam, I have realized

over the last few years

that I've made
a big mistake in my life.

What, like cheating on my mom?

Well, no. Marrying your mom.

But, no, that wasn't a mistake,

because then I wouldn't
have had you. Uh...

I've made lots of mistakes,
but the big mistake

is that I let what happened
between your mom and I

get in the way of our relationship.

I'm sorry.

And I hope that

we can start over and

build up our relationship
again because

you're my only kid.

And I'm your only dad.

-Well, Frank is...
-Fuck Frank.

(CHUCKLES)

Frank's fine.

Dad,

can I tell you something now?

Yes. Yes, yes, yes, anything.

I'm a lesbian.

What does your mom think?

She doesn't know.

You told me before you told your mom?

Yeah.

(VOICE BREAKING) That's big news.

She doesn’t know?

-You didn’t tell Frank?
-No.

(SOBBING)

Ah. (SNIFFLES)

Okay. Over. Crying is over.

What do your girlfriends think?

No, I'm too nervous,
I can't tell them.

You're nervous
to tell Kayla and Julie?

I don’t wanna lose
my two best friends.

This is the stuff you tell
the people you care about.

You think they're not gonna support you
because you're gay?

They would support you
if you were a vampire.

They would support you more.

-With all the Twilight shit.
-(GIGGLING)

Do we still like Twilight?

Definitely not.

No, no.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Oh, God.

Thanks for showing up.

Really. But you should
probably leave

because it's insane that you even
came here in the first place.

I'd love to get a picture with you.

Yeah.

Great. Okay.

Just gonna stand on this.

Yeah, you know
the drill. Come on.

Come on. Here we go.

Gotta turn it around here.

Dad, you're not taking it.

What?

I'll remember this.

Come on.

Oh, my God!

What's up, dawg?

So, I just, uh, parented
the shit outta Sam.

And I feel, uh...

Oh, God, like, uh,

-pride, I think?
-That's it.

It's new.

-Good for you, man.
-Thanks.

-Well done, my friend.
-Thank you.

Well done.

How'd it go with Kayla?

Put Connor through a wall.

Are you serious?

(LAUGHS) Yeah. He's okay.

Yeah, he's lighter
than I thought.

Hey.

Hi.

So, Julie's, um...

Julie's having sex right now.

-Okay. And sit down.
-Wowee.

Yeah.

But it's good.

It's fine, right?
I mean, you have to do that eventually.

Right?

-Are you good?
-Yeah.

They seem like they really like each other
and that's nice. That's a good thing,

but it's just a little,
you know, scary,

because what if he doesn’t
know how to do it right? You know, like,

what if he doesn’t know
where to put it.

But he knows, right?
Should I go back up there?

-No! No, no, no, no.
-No, he'll figure it out.

It's one or the other.

Nope. Stay right here.

Do you wanna have
a drink right now?

Like, hang out?

Yeah.

Yes, I do.

I'm in. I'm definitely in.

Um, we will
be having some shots of alcohol, please.

Yes, we will.

This is crazy.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Well, I'm gonna, uh...

I'll let you guys
have your fun, and I will, uh...

I'm... I'm gonna
see you guys around.

Hey!

You, too.

Yeah.

Right!

Fuck, yeah!

Piña colada.

-(LAUGHS)
-Just get him a shot.

Cheers!

What a night, guys.

That's beautiful.

So, I don't think the kid at the lake
house was actually butt-chugging.

-Definitely.
-Yeah.

-What?
-Yeah.

And so he threw me
through a table...

KAYLA: I'm so sorry.
CONNOR: No, it was cool.

-I kinda feel fine. It's cool.
-All right, see you.

See you.

CONNOR: Hey, guys.

-Austin, uh, let's go get a drink, man.
-AUSTIN: Yeah, sure.

KAYLA: Want a fry?

So badly. (LAUGHS)

Can I have a fry, too?

-Yeah!
-Yes. (LAUGHS)

So?

I couldn't go through with it.

Yeah, I didn't. No.

-(SAM GASPS)
-(GIGGLING)

Holy shit.

You're a woman amongst girls.

-Julie!
-Congratu-fuck-ulations.

-Thank you.
-How was it?

Honestly,

it was a little painful,
kinda fast, and kinda awkward...

But absolutely perfect.

(GIGGLES) Aw!

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

You guys, so much
went down tonight.

-SAM: I know.
-Including...

Connor!

-No!
-Let's just say...

-The Chef went out to eat my pussy.
-(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(GIRLS GIGGLING)

It was good.

-CHAD: (IMITATES PARTY HORN) DJ Chad.
-Is that Chad?

-That's Chad.
-That's Chad.

Chad!

-CHAD: (SINGING) Scream my name
-Yes, Chad!

Fuck yeah, Chad!

I love me

Gonna love myself
No, I don't need anybody else

Hey

Gonna love myself
No, I don't need anybody else

I love me...

(ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Guys, I gotta tell you something.

Okay.

(WHISPERING INAUDIBLY)

Really?

-Yeah.
-Wait, you are?

Yeah.

I love you. Forever.

And you, too.

Oh, my God!

I love you.

KAYLA: Sam!

Excuse me.

I can’t believe
you didn't tell us!

-Yay!
-(GASPS)

-Ta-da-da-da!
-Aw.

-Oh, hey!
-Hey.

-Hey!
-Hi.

Oh.

Uh, Julie, I think
we got something over here.

Dope cape.

I'm not misreading things.

So you'll call me every day
till you get to L.A., right?

Yeah, and then, like,
every day after that.

-Okay.
-I'm gonna miss you so much.

You're gonna be okay, though.

Are you gonna be okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.
It's the weirdest thing because

I have been worried
about this day for 18 years.

And then

I wake up this morning
and... (EXHALES) Nothing.

Like, I don't feel
emotional at all. I just feel like...

It's so bizarre. What is that?

-It's, like, splashing on me.
-I know.

-Isn't that so strange?
-Yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

I love you, Mom.

I love you.

(EXCLAIMS)

No, I have money. Like...

Lisa, tell him I can afford... Mmm.

Sorry, sorry.

-KAYLA: All right, come on.
-(HORN HONKING)

-Let's get this road trip started!
-(BOTH CHEERING)

I love you.

Okay.

Hold on.
Let me take a video.

(SHRIEKS, GIGGLES)

-I love you.
-LISA: I love you.

Bye, Mom.

-HUNTER: I love you. Muah.
-SAM: Okay, bye.

-KAYLA: See ya.
-Drop Julie off in Cali

and then you and Kayla
come right back home, and text, please.

-That's a big maybe.
-HUNTER: Please.

Hey, take care of
my mom, you two. Okay?

HUNTER: We will. All right.
CONNOR: Later, big guy.

I'm going to college!

HUNTER: Drive careful, young man.
That's precious cargo.

-(GIRLS SHRIEKING)
-SAM: I love you!

Aww.

-Come on.
-Guys.

-Come on. We did it.
-LISA: We did it.

-We did it. We parented.
-(BOTH SIGHING)

-We did it.
-We did it.

(PHONE CHIMING)

Oop! It's Julie.

Oh, I must have been accidentally
added to the group conversation.

Oh, well,
should probably leave.

"Can't believe
we're on our own now." (LAUGHS)

-Aw, that's sweet.
-Yeah.

"We're gonna get lit af."

"Lit AF."
That's not great.

No, that's... They're gonna get
literature. African literature.

You think that's what "lit AF" means?
You think

-they're talking to each other about...
-Lit AF.

"Can The Chef get us..."

MITCHELL: Trees?
What the hell's trees?

HUNTER: Trees mean weed,
I told you that. Mushrooms. Pills.

No, the pills are Kayla's allergy.
That's Claritin.

It's not Claritin. Look,
snowflakes. That's blow.

"Hashtag, no parents,
no rules. Hashtag, mad drugs.

(EXCLAIMS)
"Hashtag, no condoms"?

Why would they hashtag that?

Wait, is that a needle
and an eggplant?

What, are they
gonna inject heroin into some guy's dick?

-Let's go.
-Let's get in the car.

-I'll drive.
-I'm sitting behind you.

-(PHONE CHIMING)
-Wait, wait, wait!

VOICE: (HIGH-PITCHED)
We're just messing with you! Ha-ha!

"We love you guys,
don't worry."

(ALL LAUGHING)

You guys were so pranked!
I was in on it.

You didn't know.

No, no, I did. I didn't know
it was coming right now.

That's why I kinda
sold it so well.

But it doesn't matter.
You guys were like...

"Holy shit!"

-Yeah.
-(SIGHS)

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING
ON SPEAKERS)

Damn it, Mitchell!

Marco?

Polo.

Mitchell, are you
getting a snack?

I'm so glad we can do stuff
like this now that Kayla's in college.

(LAUGHS) I have no idea
where you are.

I'm gonna do so much stuff
to you when I find you.

Oh. Oh.

-Marco.
-Polo.

-Ah! Ah! (EXCLAIMS)
-Polo!

I can't believe it,
it took you forever!

I spent so much time
on the stairs!

-We're doing this. I know.
-We're, like, totally doing it.

-Let's just get crazy. I don't know!
-It's hot. Whoo!

I want you to grab my balls,
like Ron likes it, like hard.

(SHRIEKS)

(BOTH SHRIEKING)