Black Friday (2021) - full transcript

Shoppers already?

Hey, Monty,
I'm getting outta here, man.

It's Thanksgiving.

What time did they start
showing up last year?

- About noon.
- Noon?

Freaking vultures!

Oh, shit.

What the fuck is that?

Monty.

Yo, Monty!

Oh, what the fuck, Monty?



You had one job.

Jesus Christ.

Monty?

All right, influencers,
time to go.

Come on. Mom's is boring.

Mom's house isn't boring.

Her and Grant are...

well, they're kinda lame.

- He uses Axe body spray.
- I know.

And he farts,
like, all the time.

Come on, Dad.
We had Thanksgiving breakfast.

Talk about sad.

Mom's waiting. Let's go.

Come on, let's go.
Come on, kiddo.



Why do you have to work
on Thanksgiving, Dad?

It's not fair.

Listen, kiddo.

Heroes work on the holidays,
okay?

Cops, firefighters, your dad.

Come on. Come on, let's go.

- Come on.
- I love you, Daddy.

I love you too, baby.
Give me a big hug.

Oh, big squishes.

Hey, hey.

Grant does not work today.

Take that for what you will,
okay?

Okay, get out here.
Love you. I love you.

That's a sweater, huh?

Has anyone seen
my hand sanitizer?

Uh, check the drawer
in the foyer.

Yeah, maybe check
that shithole you call a room.

- Hey, pass the pie, will ya?
- Yeah.

Hey, has anyone
seen a new one?

Uh, check the...

Oh! My pocket's got it.

Honey,
I think your ride's here.

Christopher,
we're trying to enjoy

Thanksgiving dinner, okay?

- You have to work all weekend?
- I don't know.

Is Dad still charging me rent?

All weekend. I love you guys.

Happy Thanksgiving, honey.

Happy Black Friday.

Coming to the ring,
weighing 35 pounds,

looking like
an absolute vegetarian...

Whoo-whoo-whoo!

Chris Godecki!

What's up, buddy?

Come on.
Turn that frown upside down.

You look like you don't want
to be working on Thanksgiving.

Oh, nice booster seat.

Got any juice boxes
for after the game?

The booster seat's for you,
little man.

I hate that this shift
is something

I've done more than once.

So you're feeling good, then?

It's like, everyone's at home
watching football,

eating pumpkin pie.

This is so depressing.

Buddy,
I had to hand my kids off

to their mother at sundown.

Gracie remarked how sad it was
we had Thanksgiving breakfast.

That almost makes me
feel better.

We Luv Toys
loves Black Friday deals,

so come on down!

That's weird.

Why would they
be closed tonight?

Whoa! Whoa!

I guarantee that was
some soccer mom

high on the thrill
of being a douche.

- Black Friday massacre.
- Yeah.

Oh, I don't...
I don't feel good.

You're fine.

Go clock in. You don't want
to talk to me for free.

Ready for the shit show?

What's up, man?

I'd say be careful,

but I bet you're tougher
than any guy here.

You're too sweet.

All set in the back?

Should be.
Keys are in the truck

and I've got
a shit ton of toys to unload.

Thanks, Lou.
Your work's appreciated.

Thought we said
we weren't gonna wear

the same outfits tonight.

Man, I guess
you should just go home, then.

Huh. Don't tempt me.

You brought the shopping
carts back in, right?

Yeah, you bet.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

A doughnut.

A doughnut who?

I doughnut
fucking believe you.

We still on
for pancakes tonight?

Are you buying?

I don't think
we've ever been introduced.

I'm the artist formerly known
as half to my ex.

Hey,
let me get my holiday bonus.

Nice try, Bates,

but you get it
when you clock out at 6:00.

6:00?

That's a ten-hour descent
into hell!

Oh, my back.

We've got "I-View Sky"

reporting
on tonight's meteor showers.

We've got tips
on how to snap

the perfect meteor...

It's okay to be sad,
depressed, and even suicidal.

Toy does not come
with any chokeable parts

- or pieces that can be...
- Thanks, Sandy.

And reports are telling us now

people should go nowhere
near these things.

And Chucky says
we're all going to die.

Alice, who really
told you that?

Corporate sent cake?

You don't have to eat it.

It's just nice
to know they... care.

They don't care about shit.

I'll take it
to the storage area.

Archie's guys will eat it.

Yo, Godecki,
you see the line out there?

Yeah, it's like something
out of my nightmares.

Are you kidding me?
Old man Peruso

offered to give me
a handy in the back alley

if I promised
to save him a Dour Dennis.

Congrats.

Christopher.

Happy Black Friday, Anita.

Green Friday.

What?

Corporate said
Black Friday was racist,

so they changed it
to Green Friday.

Green like Christmas
and money.

Good to know.

Your undershirt is untucked.

That's grounds for a write-up.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Daddy's at work. Look.

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

- Jesus fucking Christ, man.
- Come on, please.

- Fuck.
- Bathroom.

- Okay, okay.
- I'm parking a Buick, man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

It's in the back room, okay?

Black Friday.

What a bunch of suckers.

Shit!

Yo, Chris!

Yo, Chris, open up!
I'm locked out here again, bro.

Chris, come on!

Don't make me take the main
entrance with those...

Shoppers.

My man.

You know I hold things down.

That's "hold you down."

I'll... I'll get it, I swear.

Thank you.

How about a nonsexual back rub?

Please don't.

All right.

More for me then, right?

You see they gave Anita
employee of the month again?

Yeah, I saw that.

Fucking Jonathan, right?

I came in early five times
this pay period.

He made me learn how to work
a fucking forklift

all for nothing.

It might come in handy

if you ever need
to do some forklifting.

Everybody listen up.

Happy Black Friday,
We Luv Toys.

Some quick notes
before we open our doors.

First off...

From OSHA.

Uh, statistically
when it comes to retail,

there's no day more harmful to
retail workers than this day.

Remember, OSHA
changed their rules

after somebody
was trampled to death.

So look out for each other,
okay?

Also, Dour Dennis
has been recalled,

so if anybody asks for it,
we don't have it.

We never had it.

Some safety issue
with the battery.

I'm not...
I'm not... I'm not doing well.

Doing well... doing... doing...
doing well... doing well.

I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm...
I'm exhausted, exhausted.

Uh, finally,

um, corporate
has contacted me to inform you

that they will not be able
to offer paid breaks tonight.

Thank you
for your understanding.

Fuck this.

Let's quell this sitch,
please.

I know that this
is not ideal,

but this is a really big night.

I would hate for a sour mood
to ruin our sales.

What about our holiday bonus?

Corporate promised us
time and a half

for the holiday weekend.

Yes.

That is still...

yes.

All right, game faces, team.

I want smiles.

What do we love?

Toys!

Ugh.

I got a migra... migraine.

My back hurts, hurts, hurts.

Chris, back here.

I'm not myself.

You're on reg for the night.

All night?

We're short-staffed.
We need the coverage up front.

I'm not doing
well, well, well.

Looks like your massage
will have to wait.

Bye, Chris.

Yet others
are going through much worse,

through much worse.

Wait, Mister? Wait up.

Marnie said
I should shadow you.

I'm Emmett,
but you can call me Em.

No, I can't.

You, uh...

you ever work retail before?

- Never.
- No?

Well, uh...

I'm gonna let you in
on a little secret

only a pro like me knows.

Yeah.

When I find myself
in a pickle...

I take a deep breath
and I think to myself...

"What would an idiot do?"

For example, okay?

If some crazy lady
comes up to me and asks me,

"Where's the Duncan yo-yos?"

I'd...

Escort them
to the yo-yo section and then...

No.

No. No.
You're already trying too hard.

You point them in the direction
of fucking wherever

- and they'll find it, yeah?
- Yeah.

- Okay?
- Yeah.

- All right?
- Okay.

All right, get on
out of here, youngster.

Hey, team, remember:

no matter how bad
these suburban savages

get under your skin,
the customer is always right.

Whoo! Yes! It's go time.

Places, everyone.

Smiles, please. Holiday cheer.

I want faces that love toys.

Brian, unleash the beast
in...

five...

Four,

three,

two.

Go, baby!

Go, Black Friday!

Stop it!

Aw, man!

Good job.

Thank you very much.
Happy holidays.

Will you hurry up?

Ma'am, I'm trying.

Oh, get it together,
dickless!

Ugh.

Hey, my turn.

Oh, oh!

Oh, I must have
been good this year!

Oh, Santa!

What's the sitch here?

Oh, pussy boy here
is taking forever.

There's, like, jam
in the keyboard.

Ah.

Sorry, folks,
looks like I'm gonna

have to shut this lane down.

Ma'am, if you would head back
to the Santa's rear village,

- someone will meet you there.
- Ugh!

Dude, what the hell?

Full discloszh,

some guy just blew chunks
all over the ride-ons.

You're cleaning it up.

Th-throw up? Um...

it's... it's a little germy, no?

What about the floor workers?

But I thought
you preferred the floor.

Sawdust's
in the maint's closet.

Ah, these fucking
idiot customers.

Idiots!

Is that what you think we are?

Jesus Christ, lady.

You watch your mouth,
asshole,

or I'll rip this place apart,
including you!

I believe you.

Deep breaths. It's just barf.

You don't have to touch it.
Don't breathe around it.

Aah!

That's way more
than I expected!

Okay, um, sir?

Sir, let's get you some help.

Oh! Holy shit!

Oh, fuck!

Chris, what the fuck?

All customers must vacate
the premises of We Luv Toys.

We apologize
for the inconvenience.

All customers must vacate
the premises...

Yo, took me two years,

but I finally got
the hang of this thing.

Look at that.

Whoa, whoa, watch this,
watch this.

Oh!

So what exactly happened
with that Chris guy?

I don't know.

I think he smashed some woman
with a mini pink SUV.

Right.

Um, ma'am, I'm sorry,

but we're actually
closing early tonight.

What happened?

I don't know.

Came out,
and it was a fucking disaster.

Okay. Go check it out.

I'll keep an eye on Chris.

I'll be back.

I told you guys.

I am sorry
that I crushed that woman.

But...

Check the security footage!

We don't have to check shit.

This is a citizen's arrest.

There is something
really wrong out there.

Yes, something
is really wrong.

We're one hour
into Black Friday

and we're escorting customers
away from the store?

Yeah,
of course that's his concern.

No, no, no, Marnie, wait.
Please, you have to believe me.

She attacked me.

Ask Archie.

Archie went to go check
on that nasty puke bitch

you attempted to murder.

You're going to jail, Chris.

Uh, miss?

Oh, oh, my God.

No, no, no!

Aah! No!

Shit!

Come on, kid. Let's go!

What the hell
is going on out there?

This is some
next-level bath salt shit.

No, it's just Black Friday.

Excitement is in the air.

- Green Friday.
- That's right.

Green Friday, baby.
It's all part of the fun.

It's known
as competitive shopping.

Anita got a black eye last year
and she took it like a champ.

No, no. Fuck that.

Some woman
just attacked Emmett.

It's like she wasn't
a person anymore.

I hit her
with a fucking skateboard.

She didn't even feel it.

- Try calling the cops.
- Oh, no. No.

Do not call the cops.

Are you kidding?

You call the cops,
and this place shuts down.

Now, if we work efficiently,

we can reopen
by maybe 2:00 a.m.

Reopen? Are you insane?

Line's busy.
I got their voice mail.

Did you know the police
had a voice mail?

This is the biggest night
of the year, okay?

Corporate expects us to do
six figures this weekend.

I'm sure corporate
will understand.

Relax. Okay?

I know we all want to go home.
It's a holiday.

Blardy blardy blar.
Let me tell you something...

What was wrong
with that lady?

Am I gonna be okay?

Hey, bud.

Can I get you anything?

Oh, man.

There is something wrong
with the shoppers.

Christopher,

you are not supposed
to provoke the customers.

The training video says...

♪ Leave them be
and then you'll see ♪

♪ The love of toys
is all we need ♪

Anita,
please shut the fuck up!

You wonder why you never
get Employee of the Month.

You know what?

No one gives a flying fuck

about your training videos
or your plaques, Anita.

Oh, I know you don't,
but there are those who do.

The ones who don't care
are the ones like you two,

'cause you have squandered
every single opportunity

that life has handed to you
to do a subpar job

ringing people up
at We Luv Toys

for the rest of your life!

Stand back. Stand back.
Stand back.

I got this. I got this.

Hey, buddy. You all right?

Here, come here. Come here.

Hey, buddy. Hey. Okay.

Okay. Spit it out.

Holy fuck!

Uh, okay. All right.

You're gonna be okay.
You're gonna be okay. Hey.

Somebody get me
a fucking pillow!

- Okay. Okay. Fuck!
- Move!

Okay. Okay.

The handbook says
we're not really supposed

to make physical contact.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Okay, okay! Enough!
Enough! Enough!

Protect me.

Oh, God!

Hey, corporate sent that!

Back the fuck up, homey!

Hey!

You're fucked now, Junior!

Sit your ass down.

Was that the new guy?

Hello?

Anyone?

Bartlett won't pick up.

We've got to separate
that kid

from the rest of the shoppers.

You know, the first time
I worked Black Friday,

they separated
shoppers by race.

Oh, great time
for that story, Ruth!

Great time for that.

That's it.
It's not safe in here.

- Can someone please untie me?
- Schaumburg answered.

I got Schaumburg.

Hello, Schaumburg.

This is Jonathan Wexler,
manager of store...

Hello? Hello?

Oh, thank God.
Our shoppers are going crazy.

They're attacking us.
We can't get out!

Wait. What?

Listen to me.

Whatever you do,
don't let them in.

And for the love of God,
don't let them gather.

They're building something.

What?

Get... I need...
just don't let them gather!

- Don't let them...
- Hello?

Hello!

Okay, hang up.

Oh, we gotta do something.

I mean, dying in a toy store
isn't how it ends for me.

Does anyone have a car
big enough to fit us all?

Dad-mobile.

Fits seven, but, you know,
we could all squeeze.

- Ew.
- Brian, don't start.

Ken's truck won't be enough.

There's people
on the sales floor.

So we gotta make
a run for it, right?

Do we?

We don't even know what these
things are or what they want.

They want to hurt us.

Oh, yeah, speaking of,
can someone please untie me?

Ruth can't run.

Survival of the fittest...
and non-geriatric.

Those things are the fittest.

You saw Emmett.

We have to stay here
and protect ourselves.

Who knows where else
this is happening?

I say we get everyone
together on the sales floor,

lock the doors, hang tight
till this shit cools off.

You guys are gonna feel dumb
when this all blows over.

Jonathan,
this isn't blowing over.

You know, the company
sends me this cheap champagne

for making our sales goals.

Now, they expect me
to generate revenue tonight.

That's my job.

Your job
is to be our manager.

Protect us. Manage us.

I can't.

Let's move. Come on.

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Find anyone you can and
reconvene at the service desk.

Oh, and look out for Emmett.

The less we have to interact
with the shoppers...

the better.

Where is everyb... oh.

Shh.

How did all these shoppers
get in here?

The team must've tried
to leave

through the employee exit.

Who knows how many
of those things got in?

I say we split up.

Close that door.
Secure the store.

Ken, you take Ruth and Marnie
through the back hall.

Hole up in the office
until we get back.

Yeah.

Chris, Brian, Jonathan,

we're gonna run recon
to that exit.

No, no, I should be
with the other group

'cause Brian represents me
on the sales floor.

I will carry your grace
to the sales floor as always.

Let's just go.

Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on.

Where you going?

To the bathroom.

Why?

'Cause I have to go.

Ooh, I gotta go too.

I've been holding it.

Your man, so hunky.

They don't make 'em
like that anymore.

You know, fierce. Stern.

A real smolder.

Ruth, he's not my man.
We're not dating, okay?

- Oh!
- Or... it doesn't matter.

Oh, so... so more like
consensual fuck partners.

Wow.

Follow me. Stay low.

Oh, no, no, no, no!

What part of "follow me"
did you not understand?

Follow me.

Hey, so let me know
if you leave the bathroom,

'cause I can always pinch
and run, okay?

- Gotcha!
- What are you doing?

Getting my stash, man.

You can't do that!

Circumstances have changed,
Jonathan.

That's against the code!

- Oh, no.
- What? What's going on?

We gotta get to that door.

Let's go.

Brian, step back.

We're clear.

All set. Come on.

So what do we do now?
They... they got the door shut.

What are the shoppers doing?

Ruth, wait here.

Okay.

You park that Buick?

- Johnathan!
- Shit!

Jonathan!

Oh!

Are we safe up here?

Define safe.

Ken, come on.

I think we were safer
in my office.

The doors are closed.
Now we wait, yeah?

No, no, no. We can't wait.

I'm with her.

Lou was in there
and he was trying to eat me

or pull me into him.

- He was trying to...
- Gather?

Exactly.

Just like Schaumburg said.

Yeah, they're doing it
at Santa's village.

I saw something.

I don't know what it was,
but I think the shoppers

are trying to reach each other
and...

At this point,
we're just in their way.

We're gonna have to fight
whatever's left.

Whoa, whoa.

God damn it.

What's wrong?

I can't get dinner
with my kids.

I can't get a drink at work.

I can't even get
a goddamn text to send.

Uh... I'll go get that.

You know what?
I'm getting my bonus

and I'm getting
the fuck outta here.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Jonathan, give me the keys.

Oh, uh...

I left the keys in my office.

Archie.

Where's the holiday bonuses?

Are they, like,
in your office or something?

I thought that I told you

that there were gonna be
no holiday bonuses this year.

What the fuck?

Jonathan, this is bullshit
even for you.

That's not what you told me.

All you said was that there'd
be layoffs after the holidays.

Whoa!
What the hell? Like who?

I mean, fo' sho' you
with them bathroom breaks.

I wash my fucking hands!

This place is a cesspool!

Hey, guys, shut up.

Jonathan, is this true?

♪ Little girl ♪

Well...

it isn't not untrue.

- Oh, my God.
- I mean, yeah, yes, it's true.

I quit, you fucking joke.

For your nose.

Ruth, get away
from the window.

No, the police are here.

Oh, thank God!

Hey, Brian, wait up!

No!

Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go!

Go!

Oh, God!

They're all headed for that.

What is that thing?

Let's go.

Chris, go.

No, man.

Chris, I'ma hold you down.

Now go. Go!

Got your doorbusters
right here, motherfucker.

Oh!

Ken, block the door!

Oh!

They're never really dead.

Archie?

If they got to him,
what the hell are we gonna do?

I don't think this night
can get any worse.

Okay.

Does anybody else
just think that's funny?

How long do you think
that door will hold?

It's the only idea we've got
and it's gotten us this far.

It's safe for now.

My name is Emmett,
and I have loved toys

since the first of the month.

I think that
that is the shortest

anyone has ever worked here.

I have loved toys
for eight years.

I wanted
to be a dentist, you know.

Ten years.

Got laid off.

Told my wife it'd be temporary.

Four years.

I'd throw my name tag
in the middle, but I lost mine.

Two years.

Imagine making your living

at the place
you begged your mom and dad

to take you to
when you were younger.

I ran home to tell my dad
after I got hired,

and he goes...

"Welcome
to corporate hell, kid."

This place isn't impressive.

It isn't fun or magical.

It's a prison.

It's a ruse.

It's a lie.

Well, that just sucks,
you know,

'cause I always saw you
as manager material.

Shut up, Jonathan.

You guys want to know why
I applied here 27 years ago?

I was lonely.

I believe that there's
a place for everyone,

and this is my place.

It's a place
where you have worth,

where regional managers
call you and ask for numbers,

where you can reprimand
somebody

and they have to listen to you.

Where the women have to laugh
at all your corny jokes

and even the coolest guys
have to obey.

That's what We Luv Toys
means to me.

That's some dark shit
right there.

I legitimately always thought
you were a serial killer.

I can't believe
I missed Thanksgiving

with my family for this.

Well, at least you were
invited to a Thanksgiving.

I'm sorry. Truly.

What are you doing?

No one should be
without Thanksgiving.

Turkey.

Thank you.

Cranberry.

Football.

Black Friday.

Here's some Black Friday
trivia.

The phrase was first used
by Philly cops

to describe the crowds

and the traffic
the day after the holiday.

Mm!
And here's some retail trivia.

The promise of savings
is an illusion

'cause everything they put
out there is sold at a loss

to get you through the door.

Things are still selling
for a high margin too.

So yeah, sure.

Go ahead and get
that cheap flat-screen TV,

but now you need
the wall mount and the cables.

Customers aren't always right.

They just want to think
that they are.

Jesus Christ.

Mm.

Well,
for our last Thanksgiving meal,

- it sure was informative.
- No.

Don't say that.

Don't say this
is our last.

I think she was
just making a joke.

No.
I got two kids out there

that I plan to see again.

Calm down. We get it.

You don't know shit, Chris.

- You don't have a...
- I don't have a what, Ken?

A family that gives a shit
about me?

Maybe you're right.

But at least
I don't love it here.

I don't love it here.

Look at how hard you try

to be the coolest person
working at We Luv Toys.

Guys, can we not do this
right now?

Me?

You're the one that's always

trying to get employee
of the month.

It's a fake award, Christopher.

Don't blame me
for trying my best.

Your best.

You call this your best?

I've never seen a bigger waste
of potential in my life.

Oh, fuck off!

You try to give me
all these tips

about how to live
and when you were my age.

You're not my age.

I still have time to realize
that this job was a mistake.

You got a lot to learn, kid.

"Kid."

I'm not your kid.

You see me way too often
to be your actual child.

Don't.

At least I acknowledge
that this job bums me out.

But, my God, you treat it
like it's high school,

like you're the cool guy
in shop,

dating someone
20 years younger than you.

Okay, we're not dating.

I thought we were a thing.

A thing, yeah.

But, Ken,
you're almost my dad's age.

I will fucking kill you,
nerd!

What about
all the late-night shifts?

What about the time we made out
on the train table?

- You did what?
- We made out.

It passes the time.

But, Ken,
I don't really know you.

I've never seen you
outside of the store.

I mean, I've... I've never
even met your kids.

Would we ever go out on a date?

I don't think so, right?

Pancakes.

No?

So that's it?

You guys all think I'm some
sort of fucking loser, huh?

I'm out of here.

Let's go.

What exactly
are we looking for?

I'm fresh out of ideas.

There's got to be a circuit
breaker or something in here.

I can do you one better.

Hey, what's the plan?

Lou attacked you guys, right?

Damn straight.
He showed Ken what's what.

Right, which means the truck

is still parked
in the loading dock.

And the keys are still
in the truck. He told me.

If we bust open those locks,

we can get
into the bed of the truck.

That's our way out of here.

What happens when you
get into the truck bed?

I figured there's got
to be a hatch

to the front seat, right?

Got it! Let's go.

All right, team.

Listen up.

I've made a decision.

As captain...

I'm going down with the ship.

- No!
- I'm staying behind.

That's it.

We had turkey together.

And pretzels.

Jonathan,
now is not the time, okay?

Then when is my time, huh?

Call me a fool,
but I love it here.

This is my favorite place
in the whole world,

and it would be an honor
to stay with the store

in its final hours,

as any good and strong
manager would.

I told you they never die.

Oh, this just got really bad.

Go, get outta here!

- Ken!
- Don't!

Motherfucker! Ow! Ow!

Ow!

I think we're clear.

Maybe they do die.

- Ken.
- Are you okay?

Wait, wait, wait.

Stay back.
Do not come over here.

Oh, my God.

What happened?

What does it look like?
Fucking new guy bit me.

I can fix this.
We can fix this.

No. No.

You saw what happened
to Anita and Emmett.

If they bite you,
you turn into one of them.

No, no, no, no.
Don't say that.

Well, that is the mythos,
right?

Shut the fuck up, Jonathan!

What happened to going down
with the ship, huh, Captain?

I guess I changed my mind.

We can cut the arm off.

Let's lop it off.

Guys, you already
took my dignity.

Leave my arm.

Get out of here.

Put something in the door.
Don't let me out.

Here.

Ken, I'm... I'm sorry.

Yeah, me too, kid.

Fuck.

Come on, man!
When are you gonna take me?

Fuck!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Want to go someplace new, new.

Not my... not myself.

Been a long...
been a long day, day, day.

Been a long... been a long day.

Fuck off, Dour Dennis.

Yet others
are going through much worse.

Fuck off, man.

You know what you're doing?

No, but I figure
if I climb out of the hatch

and get to the front seat,
it's our way out of here.

Okay. Good plan.

'Cause my Elks Lodge
is only about six miles away.

Or the police station.

The police are here
and they're monsters now.

Now?

Look,
I'll get us somewhere, okay?

Brian, about a year ago,

corporate sent
transportation...

Hey, I hope you don't believe
what Ken said.

It's not true.

It's true.

I don't know if he meant it,
but it's true.

I made things uncomfortable by
bringing you into that fight.

You're too good of a person.

You remember
Christmas last year,

we caught that woman stealing?

I wanted to stop her. Y-y...

She had kids.
She was stealing for them.

What?

What was I supposed to do,
call the cops

so that she'd get arrested
and her kids would find out

in the worst possible way
that Santa's not real?

You let her do it?

Marnie...
you did the right thing.

Let's help Chris out.

Hey, how do you
feel today, feel today?

You know, I'm not doing
too good, Dour Dennis,

but I appreciate the sentiment.

Just always
feel bad, bad, bad.

That's great.

That's just fucking awesome.

I'm good.

Ah, fuck.

God damn it, Brian!

What are the odds
Chris fucks this up?

You know, you are
a real boner killer,

you know that?

Bircher.

An emergency at-home order
has been put in place...

What do I do here?

Civilians are advised...

What is this?

What are all these buttons?

I repeat: stay in your home.

An emergency at-home order
has been put in place...

"You should have taken shop."
Shut the fuck up, Dad!

Civilians are advised
to avoid

any and all retail areas.

I can't do this at my house.

My house is a mess,
mess, mess, mess.

Quiet, Dennis.
They'll hear us.

Oh, fuck.

Get it together, together.

It's not like my life
was my choice.

Hey!
This is for employees only!

Come on, Dennis.

My wife left me, so I guess

I can do
whatever the fuck I want.

What happened
to the plan, Chris?

I can't drive this truck.

That's what you get for not
taking shop class.

Shh, shh!
The... they'll hear us.

I saw Bircher outside.

He was like Emmett.
He turned but maybe worse.

I-I don't know.

I don't think he saw me.

Are you okay?

Chris!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Help!

Aah!

Shit!

Jonathan, open the back door!

We're safe in here, no?

No! Obviously not.

These things are fast
and strong.

They'll rip this truck apart.

Go! Go! Get the back!

- Okay. Okay.
- GO! Go!

What are we gonna do?

Okay. Marnie, grab the back
of my sweater.

Then Chris, Brian, you last.

Me last?

Well, unfortunately,
these things are hungry,

and well, you're the slowest
and the juiciest.

Are you crazy?
We can't see in there.

You can't, maybe.

I can walk through this whole
store with my eyes closed.

Come on. Grab on. Let's move!

I can't see anything.

Shut the fuck up, juicy.

This was a good call.

Go high, you know.
That's what they say.

- Who?
- I don't know, sports people?

Marnie, where did the rest
of the shoppers go?

Hello, hello, hello.

Maybe you could love me.
Maybe you could love me.

Guys, over here.

Hey, uh,

I'm totes sorry that I left you
on the sales floor.

It's all right.
Forget about it.

No, I've been a bitch.

But I've totally taken control
since then.

I totally helped with Ken.

What?

Oh, no!

It's spreading too fast.

No, no, no!
We got to put it out.

No, no!

I don't care how much smoke.
Back down the hatch!

Oh, there they are.

We don't have a way out.

You know the worst thing
about holiday shoppers?

They can never accept the fact
that the night is over.

They have no idea what it takes
to work in retail.

Year after year dealing with
hordes of unruly customers.

You know what?

My face hurts
because of all the fake smiles!

My ears hurt from listening
to Air Supply

50,000 times!

Worst of all,
my fucking feet hurt!

What is he doing?

I think he's finally
had enough.

It's right there
in the manager's handbook.

The people that work for you
should be treated...

like family.

Well, these kids,
they're special to me.

They're my family.

Jonathan, what are you doing?

So attention, shoppers,

Black Friday is over!

Whoo!

Somebody say something.

I bit Ken.

You what?

Ma'am, I have the right
to refuse service to anybody!

And it doesn't matter appear
you're wearing a shirt

or shoes, ma'am!

I'll rip this place apart,
including you!

Oh, get it together, dickless!

I made a choice,
and I bit him.

Ken Bates was no hero.

He was a drunk and a creep.

So I did us all a favor.

You are a horrible person.

You piece of shit.

What the fuck?

You didn't even think
about his daughters!

Marnie! Marnie, please!

These are more
than microaggressions!

I fucking hate you!

Guys, stop fighting, okay?
Not now.

Grab some garland
and some lights.

We can rappel off this thing.

I'm okay!

Yeah, me too!

Oh, why are those things
so filthy?

Guys, why is
the garbage so wet?

Chris, you can do it.

Three, two.

Come on.

Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

Oh! Five, four...

Whoa!

Oh, God.

Are you okay?

That thing just shook me off
the side of the roof,

which is perfectly fine because
I was gonna jump anyway.

It's, like, not even that bad
in here.

Okay, Chris. Let's go.

Chris? What about me?

You can stay here
with the rest of the trash.

Ow!

I'm sorry!

He was kind of on
all of our shit, though, right?

I mean, he said you were

a waste of potential,
Chris, right?

He said that you were
his girlfriend.

Girl, bye!

Dude was gonna lead us
to certain death

'cause he was afraid
for his daughters.

I did us all a favor!

Hey!

We have to make a run for it.

Check every car,
and try to stay quiet.

Any of those things
out here?

I think they're
inside of that... thing.

Looks like the coast is clear.

This place is gonna blow.

Try to find a car
that's unlocked.

Jonathan would have had
a plan!

We need a plan!

Oh, shit!

Oh, Brian, God damn it!

Let's go.

What the fuck
is he doing now?

Oh, my God.

What is that thing?

It's mom-fucking-Kong.

What do we do now?

It's all the shoppers.

What if I can
get through to it?

Are you crazy?

It's a management thing.

You'd never understand, Marnie.

Hi there!

My name is Brian.

And I love toys!

Okay.

I know you're scared.

I'm scared too. That's right.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

Come closer.

You and I have been
through a lot, you know?

You remember Black Friday 2016?

Uh, I know
the shopper experience.

I mean, as I always say,

when in doubt, go shopping!

You and me,
we have so many mems.

If anyone knows,

the customer's always r...

Oh, my God.

Shit. Shit.

Ken's SUV is over there.

He didn't give us the keys.

And he didn't put
the fucking carts away!

Knock, knock!

You're supposed to say,
"Who's there?"

- Now a bad time for a dad joke?
- Ken!

We didn't think
you'd make it.

Did you see Brian
get just fucking...

Like a paper football.

Ken, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry too.
I was an asshole.

You're too good
for a toy store.

You both are.

That's why
we need to get out of here.

Come on, let's go.
Go, go, go, go!

What the hell
are we gonna do?

If we run,
that thing's gonna pick us off.

I have an idea.

Chris,
please don't play hero.

Can you distract that thing?

I'ma hold you down.

- Don't.
- No, Jonathan was right.

It's fucking Thanksgiving.

I'm deciding right here
right now,

you guys are my family.

- So can you do it?
- Yeah.

No, I'll do it.
He's got kids.

No, no, you won't. Hey! Hey!

Whoa! Hey, right here!

Hey, right here! Hey!

I don't like you.

I don't have to help you.

I got your discount right here.

Look at this.
Whoa, whoa, hey!

Hey, check this out.
Check it out, huh?

You see that? Hey! Hey!

Right here, you big bitch!
Right here!

I don't need to help you.

I got your discount right here!
Look at this.

Look here!

Hey! Hey!

Yo!

Oh, no!

Oh, no, Chris. No.

Come on!

Yes! Bang!

I think I just pissed it off.

Come on! I think we can
make it to my car.

Let's go! Come on!

Come on!

Just a thing?

Just a thing.

Let's go.

Leah texted.

My daughters are okay.

They set up safe havens
for people.

Sounds good to me.
Let's do it.

We gotta make a detour first.

For what?

For pancakes.

Let's go!

Well...

well... well... well,

it's been a long day,
day, day.

And this is surely the end.