Billy Madison (1995) - full transcript

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Suntan lotion is good for me

You protect me Tee-hee-hee

Oh, the sun tries to burn me,
but you won't let it.

Will ya?

Ultraviolet rays, bad!

Lotion, good.

Smiley.

There's something important
I was supposed to do today.

Have five daiquiris?

Nah, nah.
You remembered to do that.

Man, why did I have so many drinks?
I can't remember.



What's today?

October?

It's nudie magazine day!

Yeah!

Watch out! Watch out!

Ooh, you're a quick one.

Nudie magazine day!
Nudie magazine day!

Nudie magazine day!
Nudie magazine day!

Nudie...

Holy geez!

Lookie what we got here.

That silly penguin
is back again.

No, Mr. Madison.
There're no penguin.

You got too much sun today.
There're no penguin!



It's too damn hot for a penguin
to be just walking around here.

I've got to send him
back to the South Pole.

No! No!

Penguin!

Don't you dare run away!

Hey, come here, Mr. Penguin!

I'm one of the good guys.

Don't run. Oh.

Don't... run.

Don't run from me!

Penguin!

Penguin!

You're a fast penguin.

Whee-hee!

Call the zoo!

All the people at the zoo
are very nice, penguin.

They'll treat you
real respectable-like.

There's nothing
to worry about, big fella.

Here I come!

Right this way, gentlemen.
Mr. Madison is expecting you.

Shall we?

Leg.

Billy! You know you shouldn't
be pulling that crap

in front of your father's
business associates.

You get yourself upstairs
and get ready!

Dinner's in 15 minutes!

Yeah, yeah.

Don't "yeah, yeah" me, boy.
This is a very important dinner.

You best be there.

I will.

Thank you, Juanita.

You got to dress up
and look nice, too.

Oh, that boy's a fine
piece of work, all right!

He's a fine piece of ass,
though, too.

Where the hell is he?
I'm starvin'!

I ate some Triscuit crackers
in the car.

You should've had some.

Well, maybe if you'd told me

there were delicious Triscuit crackers,
I could have enjoyed them with you.

I'm sorry.

Well, sorry doesn't put the
Triscuit crackers in my stomach.

Does it, Carl?

Gentlemen.

I'm sorry to have
kept you waiting.

Have you all met?

Eric Gordon,
my executive vice president.

And our operations manager,
Carl Alphonse.

Sit down, gentlemen.
Sit down.

Beautiful table.

Good seeing you, sir.

Where's Billy?

Juanita said he'd be down
in a few minutes.

I'm sure you'll all
be very impressed.

Shampoo is better!

I go on first
and clean the hair.

Conditioner is better.

I leave the hair
silky and smooth.

Oh, really, fool?
Really!

Stop looking at me, swan!

Carl, what's up?

Nothing much, Billy.

I see you got
a little sun today.

You think so? I fell asleep
by the pool for a few hours.

Did you fall asleep,
or did you pass out?

Shut up!

That's enough, Billy.

Because you took your own sweet-ass
time coming down here tonight,

these gentlemen are going to
miss their last flights home.

This guy can stay in my room,
I'll tell you that much.

Billy, eat your soup.

It's good soup.

Well, gentlemen,

I can't thank you enough for
coming out here this evening.

Please, Billy. No gibberish tonight.
Please, I beg you.

Sorry, Daddy.

This is a big night
for me tonight.

I have an important
announcement to make.

That's it, Billy.
Get the hell out of here!

Nice talking to you, Billy.

All right.
One, two, three!

Hey, Billy, how come you
ain't pounding any tonight?

I don't know.
My dad was yelling at me.

I'm just not in the mood.

Hey, Billy, who would you
rather bone,

Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?

Jack Nicholson now or 1974?

'74.

Meg Ryan.

Go! Go!
ALLI Go, go, go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Oh, my God!
I am the winner.

Billy is not an idiot.

I'm not saying he's an idiot.
I just think he might not be

mature enough to run
a Fortune 500 company.

My late wife, Emily, and I
started this company

with a 15-unit motel
in Patchogue, Long Island.

We built it into 650 hotels.

Our dream was to one day turn
it over to our only son, Billy.

Carl, how many people
work for Madison?

61,000 and change.

How long are those people
gonna have jobs once Billy

has the hotel operators
speaking gibberish?

Oh, Billy, Billy boy!

When are you gonna find whatever
it is you're looking for?

Here's a nice piece of shit.

Gaw! Eew!

My, oh, my! Wait till old man
Clemens realizes it's a bag of shit!

He gonna shit when he
realizes it's shit!

Who got the lighter?

Light it!

Come on, Billy.

Oh, my God!
Old man Clemens hates shit!

Here he comes!

Who the hell is it?
What do you want?

Judas Priest!
It's one of those flaming bags again!

Don't put it out
with your boots, Ted!

Don't tell me my business,
devil woman!

Call the fire department!
This one's out of control.

Yuck! Poop again!

He called the shit "poop!"

This is the best night
of my life.

I'll get you damn kids for this.
You're all gonna die!

Billy, could you
step in here for a moment?

I have big news.

Eric is pregnant!
Congratulations!

Feel those kicks.
He's gonna be a soccer player.

He is. He is.

All right, what's up?

I've had to face some hard
truths tonight, Billy.

Dad? Do we have to do this
with Captain Dipshit here?

You were brought up
with every advantage.

I bought you everything,

toys, cars, vacations, clothes.

Actually, I stole
this shirt from Frank.

Yeah, well, whatever.
It's all my fault.

I made a mistake.
See...

Are you some damned moron?
Can't you just stop for two seconds?

I'm trying to tell you
that I'm retiring,

and Eric, not you, is going
to take over Madison Hotels.

Eric?

You're gonna give the company
to Eric? He is a bad, bad man.

What do you care, Billy? What do you care
who I appoint to run the company, huh?

I mean, I'm doing you a favor.

You don't ever have to
look for a job.

Yeah. Now you can sit around
here all day goofing off,

sipping drinks,
chasing invisible penguins.

Is that it, Dad?
Did the penguin tell you to do this?

Penguin?

What an idiot!

You know, I could help Billy
until he gets the hang of it.

I think Crazy Carl is right.

I mean, I can do this
if I set my mind to it!

High school was a pain in the
ass, but I graduated.

You graduated because I paid your
teachers to give you decent grades.

I've regretted it every day since.
I thought at the time

that if you could get good grades,
you might get into a good college

and straighten yourself out.

I don't believe that.

What do you believe?

That you were an honor student?

How could I hand over my company

to someone who couldn't even
get through school on his own?

I don't know.

Don't think about it.
Just hand it over.

Forget it!

Well, listen. Don't you think
you better go up to bed, hmm?

Big day tomorrow.
A day filled with

daiquiris, Nintendos
and jack-off magazines.

Dad!

Yeah, what?

Give me one more chance.
I'll prove I can take over.

I'll do anything it takes. I'll go back
to high school and take the exams again.

And I'll get my diploma
all by myself.

Billy, it wasn't just
high school!

Remember that spelling bee
you won in the first grade?

Oh, no, you didn't!

Rock. R-O-K.

Yeah.
So what's your point?

R-O-C-K!

The "C" is silent.

Okay. All right.

All right, you got it.

First grade through twelfth
grade, all over again.

I'll do each grade in two weeks.

Take the test, re-graduate,

prove to you I'm not an idiot, and
then I get to take over Madison Hotels.

That's some idea.

You just think of that?
Yeah, I did.

It's pretty good, huh?

Brian, don't you think the future of
Madison Hotels and its 61,000 employees

is too important to gamble
on a game like this?

No.

You're on.
Carl, you make the arrangements.

You pass every grade
before June 15,

and you take over
instead of Eric.

Have a nice weekend, Son.

You start school on Monday.

Give 'em hell, Bill.

Nice try, ass wipe,
but you're just delaying the inevitable.

Where's my Snack Pack?

You've got a banana.
You don't need no Snack Pack.

You know I like Snack Pack.
Why can't you just give me a Snack Pack?

I thought I was your Snack Pack.

What are you talking about?

Nothing.

Bill, you're gonna miss the bus!

Yeah, you better get your
beautiful buns up that driveway.

What a weirdo!

Oh,
back to school Back to school

To prove to Dad
that I'm not a fool

I got my lunch packed up

My boots tied tight

I hope I don't get in a fight

Oh, back to school
Back to school

Back to school

Well, here goes nothing.

Thank you, Daddy.

Come on. Hurry up.
We're gonna be late!

Hi. How ya doing?

Fine.

Are you going to class
today too?

I'll be going to class
to teach. How about you?

I'll be going to learn.

Uh, you must be Billy Madison.

Yes, I am.

Don't you think it's pathetic that
just because of who your father is,

you get to come
do school all over again?

Yes, I do.

Well, as long as you know.

Well, all right!

Wait up!

Hey, mister, guess
what I had for breakfast.

What?

Beans!

Scotty likes beans.
Don't you, Scotty?

Hi. How you doing?

Let's involve the class.

Quiet down, my special people.

I want you all to meet
our new friend Billy.

Can everyone say hello to Billy?

Hello, Billy.

Hi.

Billy is going to be sharing our fun
and learning for the next two weeks.

Billy is special,

just like each and every one of you.

And what do we do
to our special people?

I wanna hug.

Hi.

Yeah, I wanna hug, too, please.

All right.
All right!

Billy, why don't you take
a seat right up front?

And we can start... story time!

You've got a misshaped head.

Thank you.

The Puppy Who Lost His Way,
by Chrissy Taylor.

"One fine morning,

"a puppy popped his puppy Paws

"out of his puppy house.

"This was no ordinary puppy.

"This puppy was the happiest
puppy in the whole world.

"In fact, his name was Happy.

"Happy looked through
the bushes...

"I'll never let you get lost
again," cried the little boy,

"who was so happy

"that he gave Happy a kiss

"on his wet little puppy nose.

"The end."

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Miss Lippy,

the part of the story
I don't like

is that the little boy gave up
looking for Happy after an hour.

He didn't put posters up
or anything.

He just sat on the porch
like a goon and waited.

That little boy's got to think,

you got a pet,
you got a responsibility.

If your dog is lost, you don't look
for an hour then call it quits.

You get your ass out there,
and you find that fucking dog!

I think it's time
to play dodge ball.

You're out!
O'Doyle rules!

Billy, what are you doing back?

I'm out.

Well,

that just means you stay off to
the side until a new game starts.

That's okay.
I'm tired anyways.

I'll just sit here
and color or something.

Billy, dodge ball time
is a special time.

Not just for you boys and
girls but for Miss Lippy too.

So stay outside.

Whoa!

Wow!

Now you're all
in big, big trouble.

You're out! Oh, yeah!

Lunchtime!

I bet that Snack Pack's
pretty good.

Wanna trade me the rest of it
for this banana?

You know how badly
I can beat you, right?

Mortal Kombat on Sega Genesis
is the best video game ever.

I disagree.
It's a very good game,

but I think Donkey Kong
is the best game ever.

Donkey Kong sucks!

You know somethin'?
You suck!

Hey! Ooh!

That's very nice of you to pick up
your little brother here at school.

He's not my brother.
He's my son.

You got to be kidding me.

Mom, that's Billy.
He's in my class.

I heard he's retarded
or something.

Your son's got
a very creative mind.

Maybe someday he'll make Mommy
and Daddy a lot of money.

Daddy's in prison,
and he won't be home for a long time.

My dear Lord! Yeah!

Well, I got to get going now.
I got to get on the bus.

I ride the bus for the city
and watch the bus drivers.

Kind of this program
they've got to make sure...

Billy! Billy,
you forgot your stuff.

Come on, honey.

Thank you very much, Miss Lippy!

- Yes'?
- Brian Madison for you.

Tell him I'm out to lunch.

Billy Madison.

A buffoon... and yet,

a threat to my eventual
takeover of this company.

A menace. And what do we
do with a menace?

We eliminate it.

We eliminate Billy Madison.

Tricia Labonte.

Here.

Scotty Logan.

Here.

Billy Madison.

Hey!

Look at all this milk.

You want some of this milk?

That milk
belongs to that classroom.

Oh, they don't gots to know about it.
It could be our milk.

No milk will ever be our milk.

That wasn't very nice.

How 'bout you, sideburns?
You want some of this milk?

I'd rather have a beer.

I drew the duck blue because I've
never seen a blue duck before.

And to be honest with you,
I wanted to see a blue duck.

Well, it's
an excellent blue duck.

Congratulations.

You just passed the first grade.

Oh, Miss Lippy!
That's so great!

What do you think of that,
Mr. Blue Duck?

That's quack-tastic!
Quack, quack, quack.

Candy!

Wow! Look at all that candy!

Rolex!

Thanks for the watch, Billy.

You're welcome, buddy.

Well, this is great.
When I graduated first grade,

all my father did
was tell me to get a job.

Hey, you wanna feed
that donkey some beer?

Get it all messed up?

Maybe later.

I'll go put
some beer in a bucket.

Okay.

Hey, there, Mr. Graduate.
How's it going?

Go!

Come on, kid.
Get up! Get up!

You're humiliating yourself!
Get up!

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa-oa-oa!

That's funny.

Oh, my-

So he's passed first grade,
and he's moved on to second.

Whoop-tee-do!

Any more information, Rollo?

Billy likes to drink soda.

Miss Lippy's car is green.

And now we have
just two students left.

Bath.

Bath.

B-A-T-H. Bath.

Correct!

Bath. That's a little easy.

Why don't you just
give her the trophy?

Cheese.

Cheese.

C-H-E-E-S-E.

Cheese.

Correct.

Couch.

Couch.

C-

O-W...

No!

No, I'm sorry.
That's not right.

Well, Billy, if you spell this
correctly, you pass second grade.

Couch. C...

Cow. Cow.

C-O-R...

Are you going to the mall later?
That's what I'm asking.

No, I am not going to the mall.
Keep spelling, mister.

C-O-U-C-H.

Correct!

I am the smartest man alive!

He gonna have a stupid party
every time he passes a grade?

Everybody's having
a good time but you.

Spoiled snot!
Get outta here.

Let me ask you something, Carl.

You started here,
what, 25 years ago?

Night bellboy
at the Philadelphia Madison?

After all your hard work,
how would you feel

working for some
punk kid like Billy?

Could be worse.

That's nice.

Man, I'm so nervous.

First and second grade were easy,
but social studies, division.

This is gonna be tough!

Man, I'm so nervous.

First and second grade were easy,
but social studies, division.

This is gonna be tough!

Relax, dude.

Jackpot!

Good morning, class.

Good morning, Miss Vaughn.

We're gonna start today
by reading together

a short story entitled,
"My Sister, Fanny."

Quiet!

Let's all open up
our Reading ls Fun books

to page 69.

Sixty-nine!

Class, say hello
to Billy Madison.

Hello, Billy Madison.

Billy is a nuisance.
He will be gone in two weeks.

I apologize for
this inconvenience.

Geez, what's up her butt?

What was that, Billy?

I said,
"Reading is good."

Can we start the story now?

Dan, you may begin.

"Once

"there was

"a girl

"who wanted to..."

Kid can't even read.

Cut it out, dude.
You're gonna get us in trouble.

"fly an..."

Today, junior!

You're tearing my ear off!

Making fun of a little kid
for trying to read!

Are you psycho?
Do you not have a soul?

I'm sorry, I can't hear you.
I've been physically abused in the ear.

You keep your mouth shut for the next
two weeks, or I'm gonna fail you.

End of story.

I see your lips moving,

but I can't make out
the words. I'm deaf!

Oh, Veronica Vaughn!

So hot Want to touch the heinie

You know that girlie
I've been chasing?

Turns out she's
my third grade teacher.

First thing she does is
kick me out of her class.

Maybe she feels she has
to make an example of you.

Or maybe she's got
something up her ass.

That's what I said.

Poor Billy.

I'm so depressed.

You want me
to take my shirt off for you?

No, thank you.
Okay, baby.

But remember,
the offer is on the table.

Oh, yes!

Oh, my!

Oh, God, yes. Lordy.

Billy Madison!

Would you like to try writing some words
in cursive on the blackboard today?

Okay. Sure.

Okay. How about
the word "dugout"?

Good. How about "bunt"?

Bunt. B-U-N-T.

In perfect cursive.
Any more brain-busters?

"Rizzuto."

"Z."

"Z."

"Rirruto"?

Those are "Z's."

They look like "R's" to me.

That's not fair.
"Rizzuto" is not a word!

He's a baseball player!
You're cheating!

Would you like to try
the word "buzz"?

I hate cursive,
and I hate all of you!

I'm never coming back
to school! Never!

Billy!

I swear to God I'm sick.
I can't go to school.

If you're gonna stay home today,
you can help me shave my armpits.

Oh, my God! I'll go to school.

O'Doyle rules!

What's going on?

Miss Vaughn's sick.

Please take your seats.

Who's that guy?

Principal Anderson.

Quiet, everyone!

As you can tell,
Miss Vaughn is not feeling well today.

So I'll be taking her place.

But don't get your hopes up,
because I plan on teaching.

So I hope you plan on learning.

Now, who can tell me where we
are in our social studies reader?

Yes? Michael?

Excuse me.
What's that in your hand?

Bring that note up to me.

Now let's see what couldn't
wait till after class.

"We're so lucky to have
Principal Anderson substituting.

"Now we have the privilege of staring
at that tub of lard all day long.

"If I were him, I would walk my fat
ass right into oncoming traffic."

Oh, man, Billy.

I just thought of
the funniest thing.

Billy?

Where's Billy?

He's in school, man.

Oh, yeah!

You know, I don't wanna sound
like a weirdo,

but I kinda missed
Miss Vaughn today.

Why? Do you like her
or something?

No!

Why? She say
she likes me?

Not to me.

Well, let's find out.

Hello.

Is this Miss Vaughn?

Oh, hi.
It's Ernie from class.

Ask her if she has a boyfriend.

Miss Vaughn,
do you have a boyfriend?

No.

Ask her...
Shh!

Ask her if she likes anybody

from class
like more than a friend.

Miss Vaughn,
do you like anybody in class

more than a friend?

No.

Ask her if she would ever go
out with somebody from class.

No! Just do it!

Miss Vaughn, would you

ever go out with
anybody from class?

You see, Ernie, grown-ups
like to go out with other grown-ups.

What about Billy?

You're more of a grown-up
than Billy.

I'll give you a grown-up!

What was that, Ernie?

Nothing. See you tomorrow
in class, Miss Vaughn.

You blew it!

Hey, I dare you to throw your
sandwich at the bus driver.

Do it! Come on!

Hey!

Who threw that?

I'll turn this damn bus around.

That'll end your precious little
field trip pretty damn quick, huh?

Little shit.

I'm trying to score points with the
teacher today. Don't screw it up!

I dare you to touch her boobs.

Touch her boobs?

That's assault, brother.

Do you double dare me?

Miss Vaughn, how long till we get there?
I have to go to the bathroom.

Probably about 10 minutes.

Sorry about that.

Damn guy drives like an animal.

That's all right, Billy.
Why don't you go back and sit down now?

Okay.
I double dare you.

That... I...
Accident.

Mistake. Tit.

Go sit down.
Yes.

Yeah. Here we go again.
Another treat from the road.

Grand! Great banana.
Trick of the day.

What is a horseshoe?

What does a horseshoe do?

Are there any horse socks?

Is anybody listening to me?

Anyways, Miss Vaughn,
I am sorry about what happened back there,

but you have to admit I've
been trying to be good lately.

You're not the first person
that's tried to grab my chest.

I'm really trying not to
hold you to a higher standard

than the rest of the students.

Although maybe I should.
You are what, 50?

No. It's just that the other
kids kind of look up to me.

I don't want them
to think I'm a coward.

Don't worry about it.

Next week you'll have another
bunch of kids to impress

and another teacher to annoy.

I don't want to annoy
another teacher, Miss Vaughn.

I want to annoy you.
Miss Vaughn!

Miss Vaughn!
Miss Vaughn!

Somebody stole all our lunches.

Who would steal 30 bag lunches?

I'll tell you
who took those lunches.

That damn Sasquatch.

Well, I guess that's it.

Okay, everybody.
Back on the bus!

What's with Ernie?

I don't know.
I'll be right back.

Hey, Ernie!
What's up?

Nothing.

You falling in love
with the wall or something?

I had an accident.

You had an accident?
What does that mean?

Gooo!

Oh, I know. Okay.

Don't worry, buddy. Hang tight.
I'll be right back.

Hey, look, everybody.
Billy peed his pants.

Of course I peed my pants!

Everybody my age pees their pants.
It's the coolest.

Really?
Yes!

You ain't cool
unless you pee your pants.

Wow! Hey, man!
Ernie peed his pants too.

All right!

Cool!

If peeing your pants is cool,
consider me Miles Davis.

That was the grossest thing
I've ever heard in my life!

Let's go!

Let's get on the bus here.

Move it! Get up there.
Dial 1257.

Move it or lose it!
Get on the...

Hi, Miss Vaughn.
Nice to see ya.

That Veronica Vaughn

is one piece of "ace."

I know from experience, dude,

if you know what I mean.

No, you don't.

Well, not me personally,
but a guy I know.

Him and her got it on!

No, they didn't.

No, no, no. They didn't.

But you could imagine what it'd
be like if they did, right?

Everybody on?
Good! Great!

Grand! Wonderful!

No yelling on the bus!

Billy passed the third grade

Oh, what a glorious day

Oh, passing third grade

The Billy Madison way

Yeah!

Rock on! Yes!

Stop it.

Who are you?

I don't even know you.
Go away, mister.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Look, she came!

And she came too.

The mucus queen is yours.

Thanks.

Hi!

Oh, my gosh!
Aw, man.

Oh! Oh, my God!

Snack Pack!
You're the coolest!

Those should last you
through the weekend.

Thank you very much.

Looks like Billy
is on the right track now.

He's on track, all right.

He's headed right down the...

Easy.

So you still don't think
Billy's gonna make it?

Trust me, Carl baby.
I know he's not gonna make it.

Will you excuse me for a second?

Who will help me
destroy Billy Madison?

Who?

Cha-cha-cha-cha
Cha-cha-cha-cha

Cha-cha-cha-cha Cha-cha-cha-cha

That was really sweet,
the way you helped Ernie out yesterday.

He would've done
the same for me.

So what's it like
being back in school?

I don't know.
I kinda feel like an idiot sometimes.

Although I am an idiot,
so it kinda works out.

Is it just you
and your dad in here?

Well, actually, no.

There's Juanita and some maids
and butlers and stuff.

And people who work for my
dad are always stopping by.

Then my friends are always sleeping
over, even when I didn't ask them to.

Sounds like a hotel.

Yeah, it kinda is.
It can be distracting.

That's why I moved out here.

I'm faster than you.
You're way slower!

Oh, wow.

This is where I've been
spending most of my time lately.

Not exactly roughing it,
are you?

Those are...
They come with the tent.

I see.

Wow. A Tale of Two Cities.

I don't think
we're up to that one yet.

I can understand
nine words in that book now.

So, it's

the last day of third grade.

And you have the teacher
alone in your tent.

What do you want to do?

Well, I can think of
three things I'd like to do.

One would involve some ice cubes

and a nine iron.

Two would include a buffalo.
Really?

Live or stuffed,
preferably stuffed

for safety's sake.

Three: We'd bring back
some of those ice cubes.

Switch it over
to a pitching wedge.

How you guys doing?

Hey, Carl!
Good to see you!

This is Veronica, my teacher.

That's Carl.

Very pleased to meet you.

Bill, I think Eric
is up to something.

Who's Eric?

He works for my dad too.

He gets the company if I screw up.
He's a douche bag.

He made some menacing comments
to me earlier today,

then he did
that weasel laugh he does.

Yeah. How's
that laugh go again?

You know.

That's very good.
That sounded just like him.

Thanks. Well, I'm sure he's
got something up his sleeve.

Thanks, buddy.
No problem.

The most densely
populated part of the United States

is along the eastern seaboard.

We're gonna talk about why that
is over the next few minutes.

We all know what a census is, don't we?
That's like taking attendance.

Now the first census
of the United States...

Take it on! Pick it up
and give it the old... Yeah!

You want some of this?

Oh, my dear Lord!

You never leave me open, son,
'cause I'm gonna hit it every time.

You want some more of that?
I didn't think so!

A! B! C!

D, E, F, G...

All right, stop
before I throw up.

You wanna go play soccer
with us after school?

No. I got a test on Friday.
I'll play with you guys next week.

Next week you'll be
in ninth grade.

Yeah, high school.

That's right.

You aren't gonna
wanna hang around

with a bunch of dumb elementary
school kids like us anymore.

That's not true.
I'll come and visit you guys all the time.

Yeah, to see your girlfriend.

Have some more sloppy joes!

I made 'em extra
sloppy for youse!

I know how youse kids
likes 'em sloppy!

Lady, you're scaring us!

Go! Go! Yeah!

Do you know
where the bathroom is?

Second door on the left.

Hey, tubby,
how about a little bathroom reading?

I have the August 1983 issue
of Wrestling World here.

There's a terrific article about a
wrestler named the Revolting Blob.

Gee, you know somethin'?
He kinda looks like someone I know.

Where'd you get that?

I have a subscription.

Gee. He's a bad guy.

He threw one opponent out of the ring
and hit a bunch of senior citizens.

Boy, this wacko looks familiar.

What do I care about some
stupid, phony wrestling guy?

My God!

In June, 1983, he sat on some
guy's head and killed him.

It was just a stunt!

He was supposed to pinch my leg
if he was running short of air.

With this guy sitting on
everyone's head and everything,

I wonder how he had time
to get his teaching degree.

No!

No, you can't do that to me!
Those kids are my whole life!

You wouldn't want anything to happen that
would make them think less of you, right?

Max?

Max?

You ready to cooperate with me?

Yes.

Then Madison Hotels
is as good as mine!

Check out that car.

Nice shirt! Yeah.
Yep.

So now the cell's happy.

But there are other molecules saying,
"Hey, we'd like some energy too."

And it uses its own
pigment molecule, chlorophyll,

to carry out the action.

This does not make
the ribosomes happy.

Poor chlorophyll is caught
in the middle of this.

Chlorophyll?

More like "bore-ophyll."

Right?

It's a little bit stuffy
in here, huh?

Don't talk to me.

And why is that?

Because you're a loser.

I don't know from these ribosomes,
and chlorophyll helps chloroplast...

No, I will not
make out with you!

Did you hear that? This girl wants
to make out with me in class!

You got chlorophyll man
talking about God knows what.

All she's talking about
is making out with me!

I'm here to learn, everybody,
not to make out with you.

Go on with the chlorophyll!

O'Doyle rules!

Thanks a lot, O'Doyle.

Nice meeting you.

Wait'll they start
with the wedgies.

Yeah. You oughta start
cutting your underwear

before you get to school
so it rips easier.

I see. Who are you guys?

We're the guys everybody used to
pick on before you started here.

Oh, no,
they ain't picking on me.

They're giving me a hard time 'cause I'm
the new guy. A little first-day hazing.

Are you in loser denial
or something?

I had a bad case
of loser denial myself,

till the lacrosse team stuck
a parking cone up my ass.

Loser? I ain't no loser.
I was the king of this high school.

Hundred friends.
Million parties.

You guys are losers, not me.

And that is what
a prime number is.

Billy! Billy!

Figuring on how I got fourth period
off, I'd shoot down to say hi.

How's high school, Billy?

Yeah, how's high school?

Oh, high school is great!

I mean, I'm learning a lot!

And all the kids are treating
me very nice. It's great!

Gee, I can't wait
till I go to high school.

Don't you say that.

Don't you ever say that!

Stay here!
Stay as long as you can.

For the love of God, cherish it!

Jennifer, why don't you
try reading out loud for a minute?

You got to cherish it.
You do.

I don't understand it.

Ten years ago high school was the greatest.
I had so much fun!

You had a little too much fun
since you've got to do it again.

I know. It's just
the classes are so hard.

And all the kids
treat me like I'm a goof.

You are a goof.

Suck it up.
Eight more weeks and you're all set.

Yeah, you're right.
You're so smart.

Okay.
I got to go, okay?

Billy, wait.

It doesn't feel so great
to be called a loser, does it?

No.

Maybe the first time
you went to high school,

you weren't as nice to kids
you thought were losers.

I know what you're saying.
You're so smart!

Hello.

- Hi, is this Danny McGraff?
- Yeah.

The Danny McGraff that graduated
from Knibb High School in 1984?

Yeah. Who's this?

This is Billy Madison.
You probably don't remember me.

But I went to high school
with you.

I kinda gave you
a hard time back then.

I did some things I thought
were funny at the time.

But now I realize they
were just mean and stupid.

I just wanted to apologize
and I hope you forgive me.

Yeah, sure. Don't worry about it.
It's no problem.

Wow, that's great!

Well, I am sorry,

and maybe we can get together
and have coffee or something.

Sure, I'd like that.

Okay.
Okay. I'll see you around.

Bye.

Speak for yourself, moron.

Oh, my God, that is funny!

Next on News 9,
a shocking story of

power and corruption
involving a hotel tycoon.

How his 27-year-old
millionaire son

cheated his way
through elementary school.

Stay tuned.
What the hell?

Now, now, maybe
it's somebody else.

My name is Max Anderson.

I'm the principal at the Polly
Fector Elementary School.

Recently a young man named Billy
Madison was enrolled there.

During that time,
Mr. Madison was disruptive.

The only reason he passed was that
he offered me a bribe of $5,000,

which I regrettably accepted.

I'm sorry, Billy.

That was principal Max Anderson
of Polly Factor Elementary School.

Dad, he's lying!

You made a fool out of me.

This was a mistake
from the beginning.

Brian, I got some forecasts for you to...
Why is everybody so glum?

You seriously
don't believe me, Dad?

That's right.

I seriously don't believe you.

The deal's off.
Eric's got the company.

Wow!
Good news for me.

I can't believe
this is happening right now.

What're you gonna do?
Gonna come to class on Monday?

It wouldn't make
much sense now, would it?

Stupid idea in the first place.

Get up out of this bed!

Hello! Billy's here!

Hey, baby!

You looking hot tonight!

Billy, what has happened to you?

We gonna go on a date.

You, me, Jack and Frank

are gonna go around putting
shit on people's doorsteps.

And we gonna sets it on fire!

Billy, why are you
acting like this?

I know that you
didn't pay off Max.

That makes two of us then, baby.

But it takes more than two to tango.
Or something like that.

So let's go!

No, let's stay.

And the three of you can light
dog shit on my living room floor.

Come on, Billy, you know that...

Talky, talky, talky.
No more talky.

You got a lighter in here?

I see what's going on in here.

So sorry to interrupt!

Proceed!

Billy, you're losing your mind.

All right, boys' night out!

Let's go!

I need to talk to you.

Geez!

What's going on, man?

Billy and his girlfriend are
playing water polo or something.

Hey, maybe
they're playing Marco Polo!

Marco!
Polo!

Ah, geez, that was a great game.

Yeah.

You know what?
I got an idea for you.

Instead of being
an idiot every day,

why don't you go back to school,
graduate and get the company?

'Cause I don't want it anymore.

What do you mean
you don't want it anymore?

Do I got something
coming out of my nose?

I can't believe I ever liked someone who
could just roll over and die like this.

I ain't rolling over
and dying! I was set up!

And worst of all,
nobody believes me.

I believe you, Billy.
And I believe in you.

Some people have no willpower,
no brains, no vision.

They just drift through life
like lumps of crap.

What is she talking about?

You have all those things.
You're just afraid to use 'em.

Don't be.

You say you're not a loser,
Billy Madison, so win.

Yes, I will go back to school

And achieve victory

No man will take
what my father has built

Unless that man is me

My Billy Sweet Billy Boy

I knew you would go back

No one can stop you if you try

Don't I have a nice rack?

Veronica, I thank you

For beating the shit out of me

I see things so clearly now

I choose my destiny

Oh, Billy,
I knew you had it in ya

We're here to help you, Billy

Get back in school to stay

You got to work real hard
And stick it out

Till graduation day

Hey, kids, it's me

I bet you thought
that I was dead

But when I fell over
I just broke my leg

And got a hemorrhage in my head

There are obstacles in the way

But together we shall overcome

Overcome

You can't break our spirit
You can't kill our dreams

Do you have any more gum?
More gum, more gum, more gum

Do you have any more gum?

Oh, hello, kids.

Mr. Anderson,
is that you?

Oh! Yes,
actually it is.

This is just...
Well, this is...

Normally, I don't allow children to be
in my home without parental supervision.

So, why don't you
just run on... Oh, boy!

It sure is great to have all you kids come
surprise me like this at my home, but...

Mr. Anderson, Billy said the
stuff you said didn't happen.

Is he lying or are you lying?

Ah, well, listen, kids,
it's not always as simple as all that.

The statement I made about Billy
Madison was and is completely untrue.

I know now that I shall never escape
my fate as the Revolting Blob.

No, no, no, no, no!

It's something
I must learn to live with.

Joyce?

What a mess.

First this psycho goes on TV,
lies, then retracts it.

And now Eric's secretary
is in a coma.

Carl, has anybody been able to find
out anything about this Max guy?

No, sir. He's vanished.
Nobody has any idea where he is.

I believed in Billy all along.

Oh, cut the horseshit!

I know you blackmailed Max.

Take it easy, Billy.

Things were going along great

until this wrestling freak
messed things up.

Billy should get
another shot at high school.

Hey, rules are rules!
Billy was supposed to finish

each grade within the two
weeks or I get the company.

And he didn't finish
ninth grade.

Eric, certainly there are
extenuating circumstances.

Extenuating, exmenuating!
We had a deal, a signed, written deal.

Each grade, two weeks,
or I get the company.

Well, technically
you're right, but...

Shut up, Brian! I've had to
listen to your jawing for too long.

"Well, technically..."

Just shut up!

Are you ready to hand
the company over to me now?

No!

Then I'll see your ass in court.

Good.

Nice talking to ya, shit headsl

Hey, Eric, how would you like to
settle this right now? No lawyers.

You and me.
Mano y mano.

What does that mean?

What does that mean?
Carl, what does that mean?

I don't know.

It means an academic decathlon:
One day, 10 events,

testing all the knowledge
one would gain in high school.

Me versus you!

You're joking, right?

Let's take it a little
easy here, Billy, huh?

No, I'm serious. Let's do it.
Let's do it on Friday.

Let's do it.

Is that all right
with you, Daddy?

Well, if you think
you can beat him.

Oh, I can!
And I will.

It's a deal.

I know it was you.

You broke my heart.

Here's the trigonometry and
notes for the classes you missed.

This is last year's physics notes.
It's the best I could do.

Thanks a lot, fellas.
You're saving my life.

O'Doyle rules!

O'Doyle, I got a feeling your
whole family's going down.

But for now, I've got to study.

Norman invasion of England.

1066.

That is correct.

Magna Carta.

1215?

Yes.

Spanish Armada.

1466.

'67.

1469.

1514.

1981.

1986.

Please, do not do that.

Come on, I swear...
Just hang in there one second.

Please, God, give me the answer!

Slow down.

Spanish Armada.

Ah, 1588!

That is correct.

Ladies and gentlemen,

thanks to a generous donation
by Mr. Madison

to the Knibb
High School library,

I've been able to arrange
for 10 different teachers

to administer this academic decathlon
in various courses of study.

However, if there is any attempt
by either contestant to cheat,

especially with my wife
who is a dirty, dirty tramp,

I am just gonna snap.
Do I make myself clear?

Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.

All right then.
Let the academic decathlon begin!

Yes!

Second team
all-American. Harvard track.

Is that right?

Oh, gross! Did you see
that guy's balls?

Yeah. They were
weird-looking.

Whoa!

He's good.

"To be or not to be:

"That is the question.

"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind

"to suffer the slings and
arrows of outrageous fortune..."

"Or to take arms

"against a sea of troubles,

"and by opposing end them?

"To die:

"To sleep. No more."

Yea, Billy!

Hey, hey, hey!

- Who rules?
- O'Doyle rules!

O'Doyle rules! O'Doyle rules!

O'Doyle rules! O'Doyle rules!

O'Doyle rules! O'Doyle rules!

O'Doyle rules!

Good afternoon, students.

You've been invited here to
witness the 10th and final event

in the competition between Mr. Eric
Gordon and Mr. Billy Madison.

As of this moment,
Mr. Madison is ahead by one point.

Each competitor will select the
final category for his opponent.

Mr. Madison
will go first.

Mr. Gordon,
choose the topic.

"English Literature."

"U.S. Presidents."

"My Wife, the Tramp."

"Burning Dog Poo
and the Human Response."

"Reflections of Society
in Literature."

Reflections of Society
in Literature.

Good luck, schmuck.

Mr. Madison,
the Industrial Revolution

changed the face
of the modern novel forever.

Discuss,
citing specific examples.

Come on, Billy!

Come on!

Come on, Billy, you can do it.

Okay-

The Industrial Revolution to me

is just like a story I know
called The Puppy Who Lost His Way.

The world was changing,

and the puppy
was getting bigger.

So you see,
the puppy was like industry

in that they were
both lost in the woods.

And nobody,
especially the little boy,

"society,"

knew where to find them.

Except that the puppy was a dog.

But the industry, my friends,

that was a revolution.

Knibb High football rules!

Mr. Madison,
what you've just said

is one of the most insanely
idiotic things I have ever heard.

At no point in your rambling,
incoherent response

were you even close to anything that
could be considered a rational thought.

Everyone in this room is now
dumber for having listened to it.

I award you no points,
and may God have mercy on your soul.

Okay, a simple "wrong"
would've done just fine, but...

You remain one point ahead.

Mr. Gordon, it is your turn.
Mr. Madison, choose the topic.

I choose Business Ethics.

Mr. Gordon,

the American business environment
has fundamentally changed

following the insider trading
and savings and loan scandals.

Explain business ethics and
how they are applied today.

Boo!

The ethics of business

can be summarized in...

Boo!

Yeah.

See...

Ethics are...

You know the...

The thing about ethics...

That quesflon was not fair.

That was not in the reading.
I demand a new question.

Take it easy, psycho.
You blew it. You lose.

I oughta blow you away,
you miserable...

Go ahead and do it!

Yikes!

No!

Get off me!

No!

Man, I'm glad I called that guy!

Max, are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay.

Okay.

A little confused.

Kinda sweaty.

A little hungry,
but all in all I'm okay.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you very much.

Well, what can I say?
I graduated.

It's over. I did it.

I know most of you are saying,
"Hey, any idiot could do that."

Well, it was tough for me,
so back off!

Sorry. Sorry about that.

Yahoo, Billy!
Billy's number one! Yahoo!

That's nice, buddy.

Yahoo! Yahoo for school!

Yahoo for me!

Anyways, this hotel stuff
really isn't for me.

So I decided to step down
as chairman of Madison Hotels

and give the company to Carl.

I'm gonna go to college.
I'm gonna be a teacher.

Peace! I'm outta here!

Daddy!

What can I say?
I saved the day, I guess.

Eric doesn't take over
the company.

Are you sure
this is what you want to do?

I'm sure, Dad.
And thanks for everything.

Max! What can I say, buddy?
You saved my life.

You don't have to say
anything. I'm so proud of you.

I'm still horny.

Jesus!

All right, man,
you're hurting me.

You think he's horny.

Come here.