Billy Madison (1995) Movie Script

Suntan lotion is good for me

You protect me Tee-hee-hee

Oh, the sun tries to burn me,

but you won't let it.

Will ya?

Ultraviolet rays, bad!

Lotion, good.

Smiley.

There's something important

I was supposed to do today.

Have five daiquiris?

Nah, nah.

You remembered to do that.

Man, why did I have so many drinks?

I can't remember.

What's today?

October?

It's nudie magazine day!

Yeah!

Watch out! Watch out!

Ooh, you're a quick one.

Nudie magazine day!

Nudie...

Holy geez!

Lookie what we got here.

That silly penguin

is back again.

No, Mr. Madison.

There're no penguin.

You got too much sun today.

There're no penguin!

It's too damn hot for a penguin

to be just walking around here.

I've got to send him

back to the South Pole.

No! No!

Penguin!

Don't you dare run away!

Hey, come here, Mr. Penguin!

I'm one of the good guys.

Don't run. Oh.

Don't... run.

Don't run from me!

Penguin!

You're a fast penguin.

Whee-hee!

Call the zoo!

All the people at the zoo

are very nice, penguin.

They'll treat you

real respectable-like.

There's nothing

to worry about, big fella.

Here I come!

Right this way, gentlemen.

Mr. Madison is expecting you.

Shall we?

Leg.

Billy! You know you shouldn't

be pulling that crap

in front of your father's

business associates.

You get yourself upstairs

and get ready!

Dinner's in 15 minutes!

Yeah, yeah.

Don't "yeah, yeah" me, boy.

This is a very important dinner.

You best be there.

I will.

Thank you, Juanita.

You got to dress up

and look nice, too.

Oh, that boy's a fine

piece of work, all right!

He's a fine piece of ass,

though, too.

Where the hell is he?

I'm starvin'!

I ate some Triscuit crackers

in the car.

You should've had some.

Well, maybe if you'd told me

there were delicious Triscuit crackers,

I could have enjoyed them with you.

I'm sorry.

Well, sorry doesn't put the

Triscuit crackers in my stomach.

Does it, Carl?

Gentlemen.

I'm sorry to have

kept you waiting.

Have you all met?

Eric Gordon,

my executive vice president.

And our operations manager,

Carl Alphonse.

Sit down, gentlemen.

Sit down.

Beautiful table.

Good seeing you, sir.

Where's Billy?

Juanita said he'd be down

in a few minutes.

I'm sure you'll all

be very impressed.

Shampoo is better!

I go on first

and clean the hair.

Conditioner is better.

I leave the hair

silky and smooth.

Oh, really, fool?

Really!

Stop looking at me, swan!

Carl, what's up?

Nothing much, Billy.

I see you got

a little sun today.

You think so? I fell asleep

by the pool for a few hours.

Did you fall asleep,

or did you pass out?

Shut up!

That's enough, Billy.

Because you took your own sweet-ass

time coming down here tonight,

these gentlemen are going to

miss their last flights home.

This guy can stay in my room,

I'll tell you that much.

Billy, eat your soup.

It's good soup.

Well, gentlemen,

I can't thank you enough for

coming out here this evening.

Please, Billy. No gibberish tonight.

Please, I beg you.

Sorry, Daddy.

This is a big night

for me tonight.

I have an important

announcement to make.

That's it, Billy.

Get the hell out of here!

Nice talking to you, Billy.

All right.

One, two, three!

Hey, Billy, how come you

ain't pounding any tonight?

I don't know.

My dad was yelling at me.

I'm just not in the mood.

Hey, Billy, who would you

rather bone,

Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?

Jack Nicholson now or 1974?

'74.

Meg Ryan.

Go! Go!

ALLI Go, go, go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Oh, my God!

I am the winner.

Billy is not an idiot.

I'm not saying he's an idiot.

I just think he might not be

mature enough to run

a Fortune 500 company.

My late wife, Emily, and I

started this company

with a 15-unit motel

in Patchogue, Long Island.

We built it into 650 hotels.

Our dream was to one day turn

it over to our only son, Billy.

Carl, how many people

work for Madison?

61,000 and change.

How long are those people

gonna have jobs once Billy

has the hotel operators

speaking gibberish?

Oh, Billy, Billy boy!

When are you gonna find whatever

it is you're looking for?

Here's a nice piece of shit.

Gaw! Eew!

My, oh, my! Wait till old man

Clemens realizes it's a bag of shit!

He gonna shit when he

realizes it's shit!

Who got the lighter?

Light it!

Come on, Billy.

Oh, my God!

Old man Clemens hates shit!

Here he comes!

Who the hell is it?

What do you want?

Judas Priest!

It's one of those flaming bags again!

Don't put it out

with your boots, Ted!

Don't tell me my business,

devil woman!

Call the fire department!

This one's out of control.

Yuck! Poop again!

He called the shit "poop!"

This is the best night

of my life.

I'll get you damn kids for this.

You're all gonna die!

Billy, could you

step in here for a moment?

I have big news.

Eric is pregnant!

Congratulations!

Feel those kicks.

He's gonna be a soccer player.

He is. He is.

All right, what's up?

I've had to face some hard

truths tonight, Billy.

Dad? Do we have to do this

with Captain Dipshit here?

You were brought up

with every advantage.

I bought you everything,

toys, cars, vacations, clothes.

Actually, I stole

this shirt from Frank.

Yeah, well, whatever.

It's all my fault.

I made a mistake.

See...

Are you some damned moron?

Can't you just stop for two seconds?

I'm trying to tell you

that I'm retiring,

and Eric, not you, is going

to take over Madison Hotels.

Eric?

You're gonna give the company

to Eric? He is a bad, bad man.

What do you care, Billy? What do you care

who I appoint to run the company, huh?

I mean, I'm doing you a favor.

You don't ever have to

look for a job.

Yeah. Now you can sit around

here all day goofing off,

sipping drinks,

chasing invisible penguins.

Is that it, Dad?

Did the penguin tell you to do this?

Penguin?

What an idiot!

You know, I could help Billy

until he gets the hang of it.

I think Crazy Carl is right.

I mean, I can do this

if I set my mind to it!

High school was a pain in the

ass, but I graduated.

You graduated because I paid your

teachers to give you decent grades.

I've regretted it every day since.

I thought at the time

that if you could get good grades,

you might get into a good college

and straighten yourself out.

I don't believe that.

What do you believe?

That you were an honor student?

How could I hand over my company

to someone who couldn't even

get through school on his own?

I don't know.

Don't think about it.

Just hand it over.

Forget it!

Well, listen. Don't you think

you better go up to bed, hmm?

Big day tomorrow.

A day filled with

daiquiris, Nintendos

and jack-off magazines.

Dad!

Yeah, what?

Give me one more chance.

I'll prove I can take over.

I'll do anything it takes. I'll go back

to high school and take the exams again.

And I'll get my diploma

all by myself.

Billy, it wasn't just

high school!

Remember that spelling bee

you won in the first grade?

Oh, no, you didn't!

Rock. R-O-K.

Yeah.

So what's your point?

R-O-C-K!

The "C" is silent.

Okay. All right.

All right, you got it.

First grade through twelfth

grade, all over again.

I'll do each grade in two weeks.

Take the test, re-graduate,

prove to you I'm not an idiot, and

then I get to take over Madison Hotels.

That's some idea.

You just think of that?

Yeah, I did.

It's pretty good, huh?

Brian, don't you think the future of

Madison Hotels and its 61,000 employees

is too important to gamble

on a game like this?

No.

You're on.

Carl, you make the arrangements.

You pass every grade

before June 15,

and you take over

instead of Eric.

Have a nice weekend, Son.

You start school on Monday.

Give 'em hell, Bill.

Nice try, ass wipe,

but you're just delaying the inevitable.

Where's my Snack Pack?

You've got a banana.

You don't need no Snack Pack.

You know I like Snack Pack.

Why can't you just give me a Snack Pack?

I thought I was your Snack Pack.

What are you talking about?

Nothing.

Bill, you're gonna miss the bus!

Yeah, you better get your

beautiful buns up that driveway.

What a weirdo!

Oh,

back to school Back to school

To prove to Dad

that I'm not a fool

I got my lunch packed up

My boots tied tight

I hope I don't get in a fight

Oh, back to school

Back to school

Well, here goes nothing.

Thank you, Daddy.

Come on. Hurry up.

We're gonna be late!

Hi. How ya doing?

Fine.

Are you going to class

today too?

I'll be going to class

to teach. How about you?

I'll be going to learn.

Uh, you must be Billy Madison.

Yes, I am.

Don't you think it's pathetic that

just because of who your father is,

you get to come

do school all over again?

Yes, I do.

Well, as long as you know.

Well, all right!

Wait up!

Hey, mister, guess

what I had for breakfast.

What?

Beans!

Scotty likes beans.

Don't you, Scotty?

Hi. How you doing?

Let's involve the class.

Quiet down, my special people.

I want you all to meet

our new friend Billy.

Can everyone say hello to Billy?

Hello, Billy.

Hi.

Billy is going to be sharing our fun

and learning for the next two weeks.

Billy is special,

just like each and every one of you.

And what do we do

to our special people?

I wanna hug.

Hi.

Yeah, I wanna hug, too, please.

All right.

All right!

Billy, why don't you take

a seat right up front?

And we can start... story time!

You've got a misshaped head.

Thank you.

The Puppy Who Lost His Way,

by Chrissy Taylor.

"One fine morning,

"a puppy popped his puppy Paws

"out of his puppy house.

"This was no ordinary puppy.

"This puppy was the happiest

puppy in the whole world.

"In fact, his name was Happy.

"Happy looked through

the bushes...

"I'll never let you get lost

again," cried the little boy,

"who was so happy

"that he gave Happy a kiss

"on his wet little puppy nose.

"The end."

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Miss Lippy,

the part of the story

I don't like

is that the little boy gave up

looking for Happy after an hour.

He didn't put posters up

or anything.

He just sat on the porch

like a goon and waited.

That little boy's got to think,

you got a pet,

you got a responsibility.

If your dog is lost, you don't look

for an hour then call it quits.

You get your ass out there,

and you find that fucking dog!

I think it's time

to play dodge ball.

You're out!

O'Doyle rules!

Billy, what are you doing back?

I'm out.

Well,

that just means you stay off to

the side until a new game starts.

That's okay.

I'm tired anyways.

I'll just sit here

and color or something.

Billy, dodge ball time

is a special time.

Not just for you boys and

girls but for Miss Lippy too.

So stay outside.

Whoa!

Wow!

Now you're all

in big, big trouble.

You're out! Oh, yeah!

Lunchtime!

I bet that Snack Pack's

pretty good.

Wanna trade me the rest of it

for this banana?

You know how badly

I can beat you, right?

Mortal Kombat on Sega Genesis

is the best video game ever.

I disagree.

It's a very good game,

but I think Donkey Kong

is the best game ever.

Donkey Kong sucks!

You know somethin'?

You suck!

Hey! Ooh!

That's very nice of you to pick up

your little brother here at school.

He's not my brother.

He's my son.

You got to be kidding me.

Mom, that's Billy.

He's in my class.

I heard he's retarded

or something.

Your son's got

a very creative mind.

Maybe someday he'll make Mommy

and Daddy a lot of money.

Daddy's in prison,

and he won't be home for a long time.

My dear Lord! Yeah!

Well, I got to get going now.

I got to get on the bus.

I ride the bus for the city

and watch the bus drivers.

Kind of this program

they've got to make sure...

Billy! Billy,

you forgot your stuff.

Come on, honey.

Thank you very much, Miss Lippy!

- Yes'?

- Brian Madison for you.

Tell him I'm out to lunch.

Billy Madison.

A buffoon... and yet,

a threat to my eventual

takeover of this company.

A menace. And what do we

do with a menace?

We eliminate it.

We eliminate Billy Madison.

Tricia Labonte.

Here.

Scotty Logan.

Here.

Billy Madison.

Hey!

Look at all this milk.

You want some of this milk?

That milk

belongs to that classroom.

Oh, they don't gots to know about it.

It could be our milk.

No milk will ever be our milk.

That wasn't very nice.

How 'bout you, sideburns?

You want some of this milk?

I'd rather have a beer.

I drew the duck blue because I've

never seen a blue duck before.

And to be honest with you,

I wanted to see a blue duck.

Well, it's

an excellent blue duck.

Congratulations.

You just passed the first grade.

Oh, Miss Lippy!

That's so great!

What do you think of that,

Mr. Blue Duck?

That's quack-tastic!

Quack, quack, quack.

Candy!

Wow! Look at all that candy!

Rolex!

Thanks for the watch, Billy.

You're welcome, buddy.

Well, this is great.

When I graduated first grade,

all my father did

was tell me to get a job.

Hey, you wanna feed

that donkey some beer?

Get it all messed up?

Maybe later.

I'll go put

some beer in a bucket.

Okay.

Hey, there, Mr. Graduate.

How's it going?

Go!

Come on, kid.

Get up! Get up!

You're humiliating yourself!

Get up!

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa-oa-oa!

That's funny.

Oh, my-

So he's passed first grade,

and he's moved on to second.

Whoop-tee-do!

Any more information, Rollo?

Billy likes to drink soda.

Miss Lippy's car is green.

And now we have

just two students left.

Bath.

B-A-T-H. Bath.

Correct!

Bath. That's a little easy.

Why don't you just

give her the trophy?

Cheese.

C-H-E-E-S-E.

Cheese.

Correct.

Couch.

C-

O-W...

No!

No, I'm sorry.

That's not right.

Well, Billy, if you spell this

correctly, you pass second grade.

Couch. C...

Cow. Cow.

C-O-R...

Are you going to the mall later?

That's what I'm asking.

No, I am not going to the mall.

Keep spelling, mister.

C-O-U-C-H.

Correct!

I am the smartest man alive!

He gonna have a stupid party

every time he passes a grade?

Everybody's having

a good time but you.

Spoiled snot!

Get outta here.

Let me ask you something, Carl.

You started here,

what, 25 years ago?

Night bellboy

at the Philadelphia Madison?

After all your hard work,

how would you feel

working for some

punk kid like Billy?

Could be worse.

That's nice.

Man, I'm so nervous.

First and second grade were easy,

but social studies, division.

This is gonna be tough!

Man, I'm so nervous.

First and second grade were easy,

but social studies, division.

This is gonna be tough!

Relax, dude.

Jackpot!

Good morning, class.

Good morning, Miss Vaughn.

We're gonna start today

by reading together

a short story entitled,

"My Sister, Fanny."

Quiet!

Let's all open up

our Reading ls Fun books

to page 69.

Sixty-nine!

Class, say hello

to Billy Madison.

Hello, Billy Madison.

Billy is a nuisance.

He will be gone in two weeks.

I apologize for

this inconvenience.

Geez, what's up her butt?

What was that, Billy?

I said,

"Reading is good."

Can we start the story now?

Dan, you may begin.

"Once

"there was

"a girl

"who wanted to..."

Kid can't even read.

Cut it out, dude.

You're gonna get us in trouble.

"fly an..."

Today, junior!

You're tearing my ear off!

Making fun of a little kid

for trying to read!

Are you psycho?

Do you not have a soul?

I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

I've been physically abused in the ear.

You keep your mouth shut for the next

two weeks, or I'm gonna fail you.

End of story.

I see your lips moving,

but I can't make out

the words. I'm deaf!

Oh, Veronica Vaughn!

So hot Want to touch the heinie

You know that girlie

I've been chasing?

Turns out she's

my third grade teacher.

First thing she does is

kick me out of her class.

Maybe she feels she has

to make an example of you.

Or maybe she's got

something up her ass.

That's what I said.

Poor Billy.

I'm so depressed.

You want me

to take my shirt off for you?

No, thank you.

Okay, baby.

But remember,

the offer is on the table.

Oh, yes!

Oh, my!

Oh, God, yes. Lordy.

Billy Madison!

Would you like to try writing some words

in cursive on the blackboard today?

Okay. Sure.

Okay. How about

the word "dugout"?

Good. How about "bunt"?

Bunt. B-U-N-T.

In perfect cursive.

Any more brain-busters?

"Rizzuto."

"Z."

"Rirruto"?

Those are "Z's."

They look like "R's" to me.

That's not fair.

"Rizzuto" is not a word!

He's a baseball player!

You're cheating!

Would you like to try

the word "buzz"?

I hate cursive,

and I hate all of you!

I'm never coming back

to school! Never!

Billy!

I swear to God I'm sick.

I can't go to school.

If you're gonna stay home today,

you can help me shave my armpits.

Oh, my God! I'll go to school.

O'Doyle rules!

What's going on?

Miss Vaughn's sick.

Please take your seats.

Who's that guy?

Principal Anderson.

Quiet, everyone!

As you can tell,

Miss Vaughn is not feeling well today.

So I'll be taking her place.

But don't get your hopes up,

because I plan on teaching.

So I hope you plan on learning.

Now, who can tell me where we

are in our social studies reader?

Yes? Michael?

Excuse me.

What's that in your hand?

Bring that note up to me.

Now let's see what couldn't

wait till after class.

"We're so lucky to have

Principal Anderson substituting.

"Now we have the privilege of staring

at that tub of lard all day long.

"If I were him, I would walk my fat

ass right into oncoming traffic."

Oh, man, Billy.

I just thought of

the funniest thing.

Billy?

Where's Billy?

He's in school, man.

Oh, yeah!

You know, I don't wanna sound

like a weirdo,

but I kinda missed

Miss Vaughn today.

Why? Do you like her

or something?

No!

Why? She say

she likes me?

Not to me.

Well, let's find out.

Hello.

Is this Miss Vaughn?

Oh, hi.

It's Ernie from class.

Ask her if she has a boyfriend.

Miss Vaughn,

do you have a boyfriend?

No.

Ask her...

Shh!

Ask her if she likes anybody

from class

like more than a friend.

Miss Vaughn,

do you like anybody in class

more than a friend?

No.

Ask her if she would ever go

out with somebody from class.

No! Just do it!

Miss Vaughn, would you

ever go out with

anybody from class?

You see, Ernie, grown-ups

like to go out with other grown-ups.

What about Billy?

You're more of a grown-up

than Billy.

I'll give you a grown-up!

What was that, Ernie?

Nothing. See you tomorrow

in class, Miss Vaughn.

You blew it!

Hey, I dare you to throw your

sandwich at the bus driver.

Do it! Come on!

Hey!

Who threw that?

I'll turn this damn bus around.

That'll end your precious little

field trip pretty damn quick, huh?

Little shit.

I'm trying to score points with the

teacher today. Don't screw it up!

I dare you to touch her boobs.

Touch her boobs?

That's assault, brother.

Do you double dare me?

Miss Vaughn, how long till we get there?

I have to go to the bathroom.

Probably about 10 minutes.

Sorry about that.

Damn guy drives like an animal.

That's all right, Billy.

Why don't you go back and sit down now?

Okay.

I double dare you.

That... I...

Accident.

Mistake. Tit.

Go sit down.

Yes.

Yeah. Here we go again.

Another treat from the road.

Grand! Great banana.

Trick of the day.

What is a horseshoe?

What does a horseshoe do?

Are there any horse socks?

Is anybody listening to me?

Anyways, Miss Vaughn,

I am sorry about what happened back there,

but you have to admit I've

been trying to be good lately.

You're not the first person

that's tried to grab my chest.

I'm really trying not to

hold you to a higher standard

than the rest of the students.

Although maybe I should.

You are what, 50?

No. It's just that the other

kids kind of look up to me.

I don't want them

to think I'm a coward.

Don't worry about it.

Next week you'll have another

bunch of kids to impress

and another teacher to annoy.

I don't want to annoy

another teacher, Miss Vaughn.

I want to annoy you.

Miss Vaughn!

Somebody stole all our lunches.

Who would steal 30 bag lunches?

I'll tell you

who took those lunches.

That damn Sasquatch.

Well, I guess that's it.

Okay, everybody.

Back on the bus!

What's with Ernie?

I don't know.

I'll be right back.

Hey, Ernie!

What's up?

Nothing.

You falling in love

with the wall or something?

I had an accident.

You had an accident?

What does that mean?

Gooo!

Oh, I know. Okay.

Don't worry, buddy. Hang tight.

I'll be right back.

Hey, look, everybody.

Billy peed his pants.

Of course I peed my pants!

Everybody my age pees their pants.

It's the coolest.

Really?

Yes!

You ain't cool

unless you pee your pants.

Wow! Hey, man!

Ernie peed his pants too.

All right!

Cool!

If peeing your pants is cool,

consider me Miles Davis.

That was the grossest thing

I've ever heard in my life!

Let's go!

Let's get on the bus here.

Move it! Get up there.

Dial 1257.

Move it or lose it!

Get on the...

Hi, Miss Vaughn.

Nice to see ya.

That Veronica Vaughn

is one piece of "ace."

I know from experience, dude,

if you know what I mean.

No, you don't.

Well, not me personally,

but a guy I know.

Him and her got it on!

No, they didn't.

No, no, no. They didn't.

But you could imagine what it'd

be like if they did, right?

Everybody on?

Good! Great!

Grand! Wonderful!

No yelling on the bus!

Billy passed the third grade

Oh, what a glorious day

Oh, passing third grade

The Billy Madison way

Yeah!

Rock on! Yes!

Stop it.

Who are you?

I don't even know you.

Go away, mister.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Look, she came!

And she came too.

The mucus queen is yours.

Thanks.

Hi!

Oh, my gosh!

Aw, man.

Oh! Oh, my God!

Snack Pack!

You're the coolest!

Those should last you

through the weekend.

Thank you very much.

Looks like Billy

is on the right track now.

He's on track, all right.

He's headed right down the...

Easy.

So you still don't think

Billy's gonna make it?

Trust me, Carl baby.

I know he's not gonna make it.

Will you excuse me for a second?

Who will help me

destroy Billy Madison?

Who?

Cha-cha-cha-cha

Cha-cha-cha-cha Cha-cha-cha-cha

That was really sweet,

the way you helped Ernie out yesterday.

He would've done

the same for me.

So what's it like

being back in school?

I don't know.

I kinda feel like an idiot sometimes.

Although I am an idiot,

so it kinda works out.

Is it just you

and your dad in here?

Well, actually, no.

There's Juanita and some maids

and butlers and stuff.

And people who work for my

dad are always stopping by.

Then my friends are always sleeping

over, even when I didn't ask them to.

Sounds like a hotel.

Yeah, it kinda is.

It can be distracting.

That's why I moved out here.

I'm faster than you.

You're way slower!

Oh, wow.

This is where I've been

spending most of my time lately.

Not exactly roughing it,

are you?

Those are...

They come with the tent.

I see.

Wow. A Tale of Two Cities.

I don't think

we're up to that one yet.

I can understand

nine words in that book now.

So, it's

the last day of third grade.

And you have the teacher

alone in your tent.

What do you want to do?

Well, I can think of

three things I'd like to do.

One would involve some ice cubes

and a nine iron.

Two would include a buffalo.

Really?

Live or stuffed,

preferably stuffed

for safety's sake.

Three: We'd bring back

some of those ice cubes.

Switch it over

to a pitching wedge.

How you guys doing?

Hey, Carl!

Good to see you!

This is Veronica, my teacher.

That's Carl.

Very pleased to meet you.

Bill, I think Eric

is up to something.

Who's Eric?

He works for my dad too.

He gets the company if I screw up.

He's a douche bag.

He made some menacing comments

to me earlier today,

then he did

that weasel laugh he does.

Yeah. How's

that laugh go again?

You know.

That's very good.

That sounded just like him.

Thanks. Well, I'm sure he's

got something up his sleeve.

Thanks, buddy.

No problem.

The most densely

populated part of the United States

is along the eastern seaboard.

We're gonna talk about why that

is over the next few minutes.

We all know what a census is, don't we?

That's like taking attendance.

Now the first census

of the United States...

Take it on! Pick it up

and give it the old... Yeah!

You want some of this?

Oh, my dear Lord!

You never leave me open, son,

'cause I'm gonna hit it every time.

You want some more of that?

I didn't think so!

A! B! C!

D, E, F, G...

All right, stop

before I throw up.

You wanna go play soccer

with us after school?

No. I got a test on Friday.

I'll play with you guys next week.

Next week you'll be

in ninth grade.

Yeah, high school.

That's right.

You aren't gonna

wanna hang around

with a bunch of dumb elementary

school kids like us anymore.

That's not true.

I'll come and visit you guys all the time.

Yeah, to see your girlfriend.

Have some more sloppy joes!

I made 'em extra

sloppy for youse!

I know how youse kids

likes 'em sloppy!

Lady, you're scaring us!

Go! Go! Yeah!

Do you know

where the bathroom is?

Second door on the left.

Hey, tubby,

how about a little bathroom reading?

I have the August 1983 issue

of Wrestling World here.

There's a terrific article about a

wrestler named the Revolting Blob.

Gee, you know somethin'?

He kinda looks like someone I know.

Where'd you get that?

I have a subscription.

Gee. He's a bad guy.

He threw one opponent out of the ring

and hit a bunch of senior citizens.

Boy, this wacko looks familiar.

What do I care about some

stupid, phony wrestling guy?

My God!

In June, 1983, he sat on some

guy's head and killed him.

It was just a stunt!

He was supposed to pinch my leg

if he was running short of air.

With this guy sitting on

everyone's head and everything,

I wonder how he had time

to get his teaching degree.

No!

No, you can't do that to me!

Those kids are my whole life!

You wouldn't want anything to happen that

would make them think less of you, right?

Max?

You ready to cooperate with me?

Yes.

Then Madison Hotels

is as good as mine!

Check out that car.

Nice shirt! Yeah.

Yep.

So now the cell's happy.

But there are other molecules saying,

"Hey, we'd like some energy too."

And it uses its own

pigment molecule, chlorophyll,

to carry out the action.

This does not make

the ribosomes happy.

Poor chlorophyll is caught

in the middle of this.

Chlorophyll?

More like "bore-ophyll."

Right?

It's a little bit stuffy

in here, huh?

Don't talk to me.

And why is that?

Because you're a loser.

I don't know from these ribosomes,

and chlorophyll helps chloroplast...

No, I will not

make out with you!

Did you hear that? This girl wants

to make out with me in class!

You got chlorophyll man

talking about God knows what.

All she's talking about

is making out with me!

I'm here to learn, everybody,

not to make out with you.

Go on with the chlorophyll!

O'Doyle rules!

Thanks a lot, O'Doyle.

Nice meeting you.

Wait'll they start

with the wedgies.

Yeah. You oughta start

cutting your underwear

before you get to school

so it rips easier.

I see. Who are you guys?

We're the guys everybody used to

pick on before you started here.

Oh, no,

they ain't picking on me.

They're giving me a hard time 'cause I'm

the new guy. A little first-day hazing.

Are you in loser denial

or something?

I had a bad case

of loser denial myself,

till the lacrosse team stuck

a parking cone up my ass.

Loser? I ain't no loser.

I was the king of this high school.

Hundred friends.

Million parties.

You guys are losers, not me.

And that is what

a prime number is.

Billy! Billy!

Figuring on how I got fourth period

off, I'd shoot down to say hi.

How's high school, Billy?

Yeah, how's high school?

Oh, high school is great!

I mean, I'm learning a lot!

And all the kids are treating

me very nice. It's great!

Gee, I can't wait

till I go to high school.

Don't you say that.

Don't you ever say that!

Stay here!

Stay as long as you can.

For the love of God, cherish it!

Jennifer, why don't you

try reading out loud for a minute?

You got to cherish it.

You do.

I don't understand it.

Ten years ago high school was the greatest.

I had so much fun!

You had a little too much fun

since you've got to do it again.

I know. It's just

the classes are so hard.

And all the kids

treat me like I'm a goof.

You are a goof.

Suck it up.

Eight more weeks and you're all set.

Yeah, you're right.

You're so smart.

Okay.

I got to go, okay?

Billy, wait.

It doesn't feel so great

to be called a loser, does it?

No.

Maybe the first time

you went to high school,

you weren't as nice to kids

you thought were losers.

I know what you're saying.

You're so smart!

Hello.

- Hi, is this Danny McGraff?

- Yeah.

The Danny McGraff that graduated

from Knibb High School in 1984?

Yeah. Who's this?

This is Billy Madison.

You probably don't remember me.

But I went to high school

with you.

I kinda gave you

a hard time back then.

I did some things I thought

were funny at the time.

But now I realize they

were just mean and stupid.

I just wanted to apologize

and I hope you forgive me.

Yeah, sure. Don't worry about it.

It's no problem.

Wow, that's great!

Well, I am sorry,

and maybe we can get together

and have coffee or something.

Sure, I'd like that.

Okay.

Okay. I'll see you around.

Bye.

Speak for yourself, moron.

Oh, my God, that is funny!

Next on News 9,

a shocking story of

power and corruption

involving a hotel tycoon.

How his 27-year-old

millionaire son

cheated his way

through elementary school.

Stay tuned.

What the hell?

Now, now, maybe

it's somebody else.

My name is Max Anderson.

I'm the principal at the Polly

Fector Elementary School.

Recently a young man named Billy

Madison was enrolled there.

During that time,

Mr. Madison was disruptive.

The only reason he passed was that

he offered me a bribe of $5,000,

which I regrettably accepted.

I'm sorry, Billy.

That was principal Max Anderson

of Polly Factor Elementary School.

Dad, he's lying!

You made a fool out of me.

This was a mistake

from the beginning.

Brian, I got some forecasts for you to...

Why is everybody so glum?

You seriously

don't believe me, Dad?

That's right.

I seriously don't believe you.

The deal's off.

Eric's got the company.

Wow!

Good news for me.

I can't believe

this is happening right now.

What're you gonna do?

Gonna come to class on Monday?

It wouldn't make

much sense now, would it?

Stupid idea in the first place.

Get up out of this bed!

Hello! Billy's here!

Hey, baby!

You looking hot tonight!

Billy, what has happened to you?

We gonna go on a date.

You, me, Jack and Frank

are gonna go around putting

shit on people's doorsteps.

And we gonna sets it on fire!

Billy, why are you

acting like this?

I know that you

didn't pay off Max.

That makes two of us then, baby.

But it takes more than two to tango.

Or something like that.

So let's go!

No, let's stay.

And the three of you can light

dog shit on my living room floor.

Come on, Billy, you know that...

Talky, talky, talky.

No more talky.

You got a lighter in here?

I see what's going on in here.

So sorry to interrupt!

Proceed!

Billy, you're losing your mind.

All right, boys' night out!

Let's go!

I need to talk to you.

Geez!

What's going on, man?

Billy and his girlfriend are

playing water polo or something.

Hey, maybe

they're playing Marco Polo!

Marco!

Polo!

Ah, geez, that was a great game.

Yeah.

You know what?

I got an idea for you.

Instead of being

an idiot every day,

why don't you go back to school,

graduate and get the company?

'Cause I don't want it anymore.

What do you mean

you don't want it anymore?

Do I got something

coming out of my nose?

I can't believe I ever liked someone who

could just roll over and die like this.

I ain't rolling over

and dying! I was set up!

And worst of all,

nobody believes me.

I believe you, Billy.

And I believe in you.

Some people have no willpower,

no brains, no vision.

They just drift through life

like lumps of crap.

What is she talking about?

You have all those things.

You're just afraid to use 'em.

Don't be.

You say you're not a loser,

Billy Madison, so win.

Yes, I will go back to school

And achieve victory

No man will take

what my father has built

Unless that man is me

My Billy Sweet Billy Boy

I knew you would go back

No one can stop you if you try

Don't I have a nice rack?

Veronica, I thank you

For beating the shit out of me

I see things so clearly now

I choose my destiny

Oh, Billy,

I knew you had it in ya

We're here to help you, Billy

Get back in school to stay

You got to work real hard

And stick it out

Till graduation day

Hey, kids, it's me

I bet you thought

that I was dead

But when I fell over

I just broke my leg

And got a hemorrhage in my head

There are obstacles in the way

But together we shall overcome

Overcome

You can't break our spirit

You can't kill our dreams

Do you have any more gum?

More gum, more gum, more gum

Do you have any more gum?

Oh, hello, kids.

Mr. Anderson,

is that you?

Oh! Yes,

actually it is.

This is just...

Well, this is...

Normally, I don't allow children to be

in my home without parental supervision.

So, why don't you

just run on... Oh, boy!

It sure is great to have all you kids come

surprise me like this at my home, but...

Mr. Anderson, Billy said the

stuff you said didn't happen.

Is he lying or are you lying?

Ah, well, listen, kids,

it's not always as simple as all that.

The statement I made about Billy

Madison was and is completely untrue.

I know now that I shall never escape

my fate as the Revolting Blob.

No, no, no, no, no!

It's something

I must learn to live with.

Joyce?

What a mess.

First this psycho goes on TV,

lies, then retracts it.

And now Eric's secretary

is in a coma.

Carl, has anybody been able to find

out anything about this Max guy?

No, sir. He's vanished.

Nobody has any idea where he is.

I believed in Billy all along.

Oh, cut the horseshit!

I know you blackmailed Max.

Take it easy, Billy.

Things were going along great

until this wrestling freak

messed things up.

Billy should get

another shot at high school.

Hey, rules are rules!

Billy was supposed to finish

each grade within the two

weeks or I get the company.

And he didn't finish

ninth grade.

Eric, certainly there are

extenuating circumstances.

Extenuating, exmenuating!

We had a deal, a signed, written deal.

Each grade, two weeks,

or I get the company.

Well, technically

you're right, but...

Shut up, Brian! I've had to

listen to your jawing for too long.

"Well, technically..."

Just shut up!

Are you ready to hand

the company over to me now?

No!

Then I'll see your ass in court.

Good.

Nice talking to ya, shit headsl

Hey, Eric, how would you like to

settle this right now? No lawyers.

You and me.

Mano y mano.

What does that mean?

Carl, what does that mean?

I don't know.

It means an academic decathlon:

One day, 10 events,

testing all the knowledge

one would gain in high school.

Me versus you!

You're joking, right?

Let's take it a little

easy here, Billy, huh?

No, I'm serious. Let's do it.

Let's do it on Friday.

Let's do it.

Is that all right

with you, Daddy?

Well, if you think

you can beat him.

Oh, I can!

And I will.

It's a deal.

I know it was you.

You broke my heart.

Here's the trigonometry and

notes for the classes you missed.

This is last year's physics notes.

It's the best I could do.

Thanks a lot, fellas.

You're saving my life.

O'Doyle rules!

O'Doyle, I got a feeling your

whole family's going down.

But for now, I've got to study.

Norman invasion of England.

1066.

That is correct.

Magna Carta.

1215?

Yes.

Spanish Armada.

1466.

'67.

1469.

1514.

1981.

1986.

Please, do not do that.

Come on, I swear...

Just hang in there one second.

Please, God, give me the answer!

Slow down.

Spanish Armada.

Ah, 1588!

That is correct.

Ladies and gentlemen,

thanks to a generous donation

by Mr. Madison

to the Knibb

High School library,

I've been able to arrange

for 10 different teachers

to administer this academic decathlon

in various courses of study.

However, if there is any attempt

by either contestant to cheat,

especially with my wife

who is a dirty, dirty tramp,

I am just gonna snap.

Do I make myself clear?

Yes, sir.

All right then.

Let the academic decathlon begin!

Yes!

Second team

all-American. Harvard track.

Is that right?

Oh, gross! Did you see

that guy's balls?

Yeah. They were

weird-looking.

Whoa!

He's good.

"To be or not to be:

"That is the question.

"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind

"to suffer the slings and

arrows of outrageous fortune..."

"Or to take arms

"against a sea of troubles,

"and by opposing end them?

"To die:

"To sleep. No more."

Yea, Billy!

Hey, hey, hey!

- Who rules?

- O'Doyle rules!

O'Doyle rules! O'Doyle rules!

O'Doyle rules!

Good afternoon, students.

You've been invited here to

witness the 10th and final event

in the competition between Mr. Eric

Gordon and Mr. Billy Madison.

As of this moment,

Mr. Madison is ahead by one point.

Each competitor will select the

final category for his opponent.

Mr. Madison

will go first.

Mr. Gordon,

choose the topic.

"English Literature."

"U.S. Presidents."

"My Wife, the Tramp."

"Burning Dog Poo

and the Human Response."

"Reflections of Society

in Literature."

Reflections of Society

in Literature.

Good luck, schmuck.

Mr. Madison,

the Industrial Revolution

changed the face

of the modern novel forever.

Discuss,

citing specific examples.

Come on, Billy!

Come on!

Come on, Billy, you can do it.

Okay-

The Industrial Revolution to me

is just like a story I know

called The Puppy Who Lost His Way.

The world was changing,

and the puppy

was getting bigger.

So you see,

the puppy was like industry

in that they were

both lost in the woods.

And nobody,

especially the little boy,

"society,"

knew where to find them.

Except that the puppy was a dog.

But the industry, my friends,

that was a revolution.

Knibb High football rules!

Mr. Madison,

what you've just said

is one of the most insanely

idiotic things I have ever heard.

At no point in your rambling,

incoherent response

were you even close to anything that

could be considered a rational thought.

Everyone in this room is now

dumber for having listened to it.

I award you no points,

and may God have mercy on your soul.

Okay, a simple "wrong"

would've done just fine, but...

You remain one point ahead.

Mr. Gordon, it is your turn.

Mr. Madison, choose the topic.

I choose Business Ethics.

Mr. Gordon,

the American business environment

has fundamentally changed

following the insider trading

and savings and loan scandals.

Explain business ethics and

how they are applied today.

Boo!

The ethics of business

can be summarized in...

Boo!

Yeah.

See...

Ethics are...

You know the...

The thing about ethics...

That quesflon was not fair.

That was not in the reading.

I demand a new question.

Take it easy, psycho.

You blew it. You lose.

I oughta blow you away,

you miserable...

Go ahead and do it!

Yikes!

No!

Get off me!

No!

Man, I'm glad I called that guy!

Max, are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay.

Okay.

A little confused.

Kinda sweaty.

A little hungry,

but all in all I'm okay.

Thank you, thank you,

thank you very much.

Well, what can I say?

I graduated.

It's over. I did it.

I know most of you are saying,

"Hey, any idiot could do that."

Well, it was tough for me,

so back off!

Sorry. Sorry about that.

Yahoo, Billy!

Billy's number one! Yahoo!

That's nice, buddy.

Yahoo! Yahoo for school!

Yahoo for me!

Anyways, this hotel stuff

really isn't for me.

So I decided to step down

as chairman of Madison Hotels

and give the company to Carl.

I'm gonna go to college.

I'm gonna be a teacher.

Peace! I'm outta here!

Daddy!

What can I say?

I saved the day, I guess.

Eric doesn't take over

the company.

Are you sure

this is what you want to do?

I'm sure, Dad.

And thanks for everything.

Max! What can I say, buddy?

You saved my life.

You don't have to say

anything. I'm so proud of you.

I'm still horny.

Jesus!

All right, man,

you're hurting me.

You think he's horny.

Come here.

Billy Madison (1995) - full transcript