Bill Maher: The Decider (2007) - full transcript

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Good afternoon.

Thank you very much.

How you doing?

Thank you, thank you.

Hi.

Thank you very much.
♪ ♪

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I always wanted to do
a special in Boston.

We love you, Bill!
This is one of the-- thank you.

Thank you very much.

This is one of the great
comedy cities,

and I have to tell you,
the comedy gods are smiling on me today,

because, um-- I've been saying for the longest time

that President Bush...

...must set a timetable

for removing his head
from his ass.

And, by god, today they went in
and looked for it.

They actually went in
and looked for it today,

and, uh....

they didn't find it.

Uh...



So now we don't know
where it is.

But at least for once
in our lifetimes,

we saw the words, "Bush," "operation,"
and "success"

in the same sentence.

So...

This man, seriously--

The country has
fuck-up fatigue...

...which is what happens
when a guy fucks up so much

that when he fucks up again,

people go,
"Well, what do you expect?"

"He's a fuck up."

And that's fucked up.

He has now convinced himself

that history will be
kind to him.

It's just us, in the present,
who don't get it.

He's the Van Gogh
of presidents, you know.

Not appreciated
in this lifetime.

I swear to god,
a couple of weeks ago he was defending his legacy,

and he said,
"They're still debating our first president."

No, they're not.

Who's debating whether George Washington was a good president?

He's on the $1.

He's on Mount Rushmore.

They named the capital
after him.

I think the jury is in
on this guy, I do.

His nickname is,
"Father of the Country."

That's about as Kim Jong-il as we're gonna get in America.

I hope.

You know...

Rudy Giuliani,
another brilliant assessor of people and presidents.

He actually brags
on the campaign trail

that--

on 9/11, as the towers
are going down,

he turned to his
super corrupt chief of police...

...and said,
"Thank god George Bush is president."

That alone
should disqualify a person

from any higher office.

Oh my god.

Yeah, right, Rudy.

Whenever I'm looking
down the barrel

of Muslim fundamentalists
with nuclear ambitions,

I want a guy who's
not smarter than a fifth-grader

to be heading up our team.

I kid George Bush
with love.

I hope that comes through.

Because when it comes
to who's standing on rubble,

and making speeches
in front of trees,

and hugging black kids,
he's the best.

He is.
And praying.

America.

I swear to god,
what a country.

The way we have a disaster--
whenever there's a disaster,

Bush shows up and says,
"I'm gonna pray."

And people go,
"Wow, he's on it."

We got this covered,
because he's praying,

which is nearly as good as
hoping it were so.

And that's why I'm telling you,
Rudy Giuliani is probably gonna be

the next president
of the United States.

I'm sorry.

Because it's all about image.

He's got the big
anti-terrorist image, you know.

And I'm telling you,
on January 20th, 2009,

you may very well be welcoming
to the White House,

Rudy Giuliani
and his lovely wife,

whoever that may be
at the time.

We don't-- We don't know that now.

I love it.
He's had three wives.

Right?

Uh, McCain; two wives.

Uh, Fred Thompson;
two wives.

Newt Gingrich; three wives.

The only monogamous Republican?
Mitt Romney, the Mormon.

And...

You know this too,
that Rudy's first wife

was his cousin.
I'm not making that up.

I think that is a very cheap way
to go after the Southern vote.

That's--

That's insulting to the South.

And on the Democratic side,

you know that
the only two candidates

who could not actually run
together on a ticket

are Hillary and Barack Obama,

because that's too much non-male whiteness at one time for America.

They would freak out.

And the Republicans would have a field day if they ran together.

First, Bush would call,
like, 12 fake terror alerts.

And then the Republicans
would run like a series of ads

about how terrorism
is happening now, again!

And the wolf is at the door,
and this is no time to trust the country

to a woman and a black teenager.

Rudy Giuliani, vote for him.
He knows...

He was there, you know.

Yeah, 'cause they did
so well before-- the white men.

Like, I flew in yesterday.

I wish someone would just start

Fly At Your Own Risk Airlines.

How about that?

You can...

You can have your hair gel.
You can have your lighter.

You can have fuckin' gun.
How about that?

You can show up at the gate five minutes before the plane leaves,

and pay in cash
like in the good old 1980s.

The ticket just says,
"Shit happens," on the back

because that's the way it is
anyway in this country.

This country needs
to get over itself, seriously.

It's not the 1950s anymore.

We're not the most efficient.

We're not the most healthy.

We're not the most respected.

I'm not hating on America.
These are facts.

This is a challenge to America.

I'm tired of people saying,
"This is the greatest country in the world."

How would you know?

Always from the people
who've never been anywhere.

Just pulling it
out of their ass.

It's the greatest country--
you know.

Why can't it just be
the greatest country for us?

I'm not asking for the check,

but it's so childish.

"Greatest country in the world."

It's like saying,
"I have the greatest wife in the world."

"Not just the one
best suited for me.

"The greatest wife
in the world,

"and if you could have my wife,
you would kill your wife."

But, look, you know what?

I do understand that any country
that lets me run my mouth

the way I do in public
deserves to be saved.

I'm trying.

No, I do.
I...

I love America.

It's Americans I can't stand.

These are the people.

But not all Americans,

just the ones who work backwards
from the notion

that we're the real Americans.

If anything characterizes this Bush Administration,
it's that.

The idea that,
"We're the good people from the get-go.

"That's a known fact,
you know.

"We love Jesus
and fuck our wives.

"We're the good people."

"So whatever we have to do
to stay in power,

"steal elections,
tap your phones,

"politicize
the justice department,

"that's justified because we're
the real Americans."

A couple of months ago
at the State--

The, uh...

Correspondents' Dinner,
Sheryl Crow was there.

She went up to Karl Rove.
She wanted to talk to him.

He wouldn't talk to her,
and she said,

"You have to talk to me.
You work for me."

And he said, "No, I work
for the American people."

You see, that's the attitude.

You're Sheryl Crow.
You're in rock 'n' roll.

Ew.

You've had many penises
inside of you.

Ew.

You could be some kind
of a Jew.

I mean, you know--

It's like when Ann Coulter
called John Edwards a faggot.

I-- I didn't even know
what that meant.

I wasn't offended.
I was like,

"Why is he a faggot?
He combs his hair?"

But, no, then I got
that mindset.

She wasn't saying that John Edwards is a bathhouse homosexual.

She meant "faggot" like,
"He's a liberal pussy.

You know,
somebody who reads."

And listens to other people.

Fag stuff.

Whereas the conservatives
are all macho bluster.

All pro-gun, and pro-death,
and pro-torture.

You know, real men,
who go off in the woods

and blast each other
in the face from time to time.

Real men who...

you know...

kill birds that don't fly.

I love that.

Cheney, hunting on a private ranch from a car.

I'm not kidding.
They went in a car.

Pull over.
I wanna kill that.

No fag stuff.
We're in a car killing things.

What could be more macho
than cars and killing?

You know,
our outgoing Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff,

General Peter Pace,

who, uh,
when he was in Iraq,

picked a peck
of pickled peppers.

He--

General Peter Pace said
he didn't want any homosexuals

in his army,
because homosexuality was immoral.

Well, you know what,
General Peter Pace? Maybe that's true,

but at least they know when to pull out of a shit hole.

I had to...

The ego of this surge
of George Bush's,

that he can think that everybody else is wrong but me,

he is gonna bring democracy
and freedom to the Iraqi people

if he has to kill
every last one of them.

Because we did have an election
about this, remember?

The people said,
"No, I think this war is over.

"We don't like it."

Even his own party
is against it now,

but George Bush,
all by himself--

"The Decider."

Just spitballing. You know,
thinking outside the box.

You know what?
Thinking outside the box is for smart people.

The box is for you.

You need the box.

Stay inside the box.

Yeah, let's attack
the wrong country.

They won't be expecting that.

Outside the box,
I'll give you that.

That is outside the box.

What a...

What a clown
on the world's stage, you know.

A couple of months ago,
he and Laura went off

to the big G8 Summit
in Germany,

and I'm sure the Europeans
are always thrilled when

the Duke and Duchess
of Hazzard...

...jet in...

...to lend
a little superpower charm

to old Europe.
But--

George Bush said he looked
into Vladimir Putin's eyes--

You know this--
and saw his soul.

Exactly.

Now, of all the people in the world who couldn't do this,

I would have to say
George Bush, top of my list.

I mean--

And of all the people
you couldn't do this to...

Vladimir Putin.

I looked into his eyes,
I saw Lucifer.

I--

I saw black pools
of ex-KGB deadness.

But George Bush,
god bless him, looked and...

See, that's the problem with religious people like George Bush.

They think they have powers
that the rest of us don't have.

That's why George Bush never
thought he needed to learn

or read about Iraq,

because he prayed.

He prayed to Santa Jesus.

And...

I saw a couple--

A couple of months ago,
the President was on "60 Minutes,"

and he said that he was
reading a book.

I was very impressed.
And, uh...

and it was the book
about the Algerian Civil War,

and, yes,
Algeria had a Muslim insurgency in the 1950s

against a Western power,
France.

What a good book to read,
maybe, before...

...you invaded Iraq.

But, okay, I'll take
what I can get.

He's reading a book,
but, of course,

President Numbnuts takes away
from the book

the exact wrong message,
because if George Bush is about anything with Iraq

it's about the idea that if we don't beat them there,
they're gonna follow us home.

Yeah, 'cause that's exactly what happened with the French in Algeria.

They pulled out of Algeria,
and they got followed home.

That's why the Eiffel Tower
today is a 7-11.

And the Cannes Film Festival
is run by Ayatollahs.

They'll follow us home.
What are they, Lassie?

Can I keep him, Mom?
He followed me home.

No, Billy, he's a terrorist.
Of course you can't.

This whole war
has been run on slogans.

George Bush,
when you pull his string, says, like, five things.

And they all have to be
under 10 words,

or else people...
you know.

"If we don't beat them there,
they'll follow us home."

"The world is better off
without Saddam."

"They hate us for our freedom."

"We're fighting them over there so we don't have to fight them here."

And my favorite,

"We used to think oceans
could protect us."

No, we didn't.

You did.

You thought that.

We knew our enemies had figured out boats and flying machines.

Yes, we knew that here,
in Tax-achussetts.

You know, Senator John McCain
went to Baghdad recently.

Again, on one of his
not-listening tours.

To show how good
it's going on over there,

and his traveling partner,
Senator Lindsey Graham.

Uh...

You know, they--

He said at the press conference
that they went to the market.

He said,
"I bought five rugs for $5."

Oh, great, you cheap,
stupid fuck.

Now we're not just invading them
and killing them,

we're ripping them off too.

The American trifecta.

Great, way to win hearts
and minds in the Muslim world.

Good.
Jew down the people who hate the Jews.

That's-- that's--

That's a great "stragedy."

'Cause, you know,
at least we're not dealing with people

who hold a grudge.

I mean, you realize
that this Iraqi Army,

the "Not Ready
for Prime Time Fighters..."

...they're never going
to stand up,

because they don't care
about Iraq.

They care about Sunnis
and Shiites.

Iraq has only been a country
since 1932.

Paul Newman is seven years older
than Iraq.

What--

What do we care about fighting
for the borders of Iraq?

I know George Bush is fond of saying
that democracy can work anywhere.

Maybe not.

Maybe it's like when Elton John
tried to marry that chick.

Good try.

And, of course, the reason
that we can't leave Iraq now

is because the people

who predicted everything wrong
about going into Iraq,

that we'd find the weapons,
we'd be greeted as liberators,

the oil would pay for the war,
every prediction dead wrong,

are now the ones who are predicting what will happen if we leave.

Syria will come from the west,

and then Iran will come up
from the east,

and that'll bring in
Borat's country.

You know what, Nostradamus?
Hand over the Magic 8-Ball.

I think you've had
enough shots at this.

Oh god.

Why don't we just
declare victory and get out.

I mean, this is the biggest "let's not and
say we did" country that ever was anyway.

Right?
Everything is, you know--

Clean up New Orleans?

Let's not and say we did.

Protect the ports
or the nuclear plant?

Let's not and say we did.

No Child Left Behind.

That's a good "let's not and say we did," huh?

Yeah, 'cause the conservatives
don't really care

about educating your children.

What they care about
is that teenagers don't fuck.

Which is an easy goal,
'cause teenagers aren't horny, you know.

But, yes, they've spent

billions of your tax dollars

to start abstinence clubs
in the high schools.

Making the kids take
the abstinence pledge.

The big pledge.

And, of course,
they make them do this with a big lie,

'cause they tell them,
"You know what?

"The only way to really be safe
is not to have sex at all,

"because condoms?
Very unreliable.

"Condoms break all the time."

Okay, I've been using
these things for 35 years.

I've never had one condom break.

Either I'm the luckiest
son of a bitch who ever was,

and I'm not,

or this is the most reliable
product since the toaster.

But...

But you know what?
The abstinence pledge program

didn't work anyway.

Listen to this,
they found out that among the high school girls

who took the abstinence pledge,

they are six times more likely
to be engaging in oral sex...

...and four times more likely--
anal.

I love this.

I love this!

The Republicans
have managed to create

an entire generation
of apple-cheeked young girls...

...saying to their boyfriends, "Oh, no,
I'm saving myself for Mr. Right."

"Fuck me in the ass.
Go ahead.

"Just...

"pump me like the piston on an old iron train."

I love it.

I kid the Republicans.

I hope I'm not piling on.

Well, I'm sorry,
but they can't govern,

and they can't govern because they don't care about governing.

That's not what they're good at.

They're good at winning elections,
but governing?

Please, they run on a platform
of government is inefficient.

Yes, the way you do it.

This is the crowd that wants
to build a 700 mile wall

along our 2,100 mile-long border
with Mexico.

You know what?

I think instead of building a wall along the border,

build a Walmart.

Build a 2,100 mile-long Walmart,

and the workers could come
in the back.

The shoppers could come in the front.

Just like anywhere else
in America.

But it would be
2,100 miles long,

and still the one register open.

You know, I understand
why rich people vote Republican.

I never will understand why poor people vote for the Republicans.

I mean, no offense,
but they are just tricked into doing it.

And it is sort of
what fucks up democracy,

because the regular people need to actually vote their interests,

'cause if they don't,
the only thing--

That's all we have left.

Otherwise, the lobbyists,
and the corporations,

and the moneyed interests win.

That's why democracy
doesn't work anymore,

because the lobbyists win.

And, you know,
lobbying stories never make the TV news.

So I'm gonna tell
a few tonight.

Here's one of my favorites.
The FCC,

the governing body in Washington
that was so outraged

that Janet Jackson's
milkshake...

...was on television
for one blurry, black second.

An outrage.

Okay, turns out
that their regulators

have accepted
in the last 10 years

over 2,500 vacation trips

from the broadcast industry,

from the people
they're regulating.

Okay, that would be
an outrage,

because I don't know
if you're like me,

but when someone gives me
a vacation trip,

I like them.

Is that me? Am I weird?

I'm weird with that, right?

No, people love a trip.

Even a shitty trip.

On the old Dating Game
they used to send them

to Dubrovnik, Yugoslavia.

You remember this?

When it was behind
the Iron Curtain.

People would be like,
"We're going to Dubrov--

"What the fuck?

"What?
Who cares, we're going!"

They didn't-- that's--
'cause people love a trip.

They don't care where it is.

And I tell you why
they love a trip;

because people think
on a trip, "I might get laid."

They do.

It's not happening here,
but Cleveland!

That's where it could happen.
I could...

And I don't just mean
single people.

Married people love a trip.

Oh, you kid--
A trip is a cue to fuck.

Married people need
a cue to fuck, a prompting.

You can't just fuck.
What are you, sick?

You're married.

Oh god.

That's why there are certain fuck days on the calendar.

Wedding anniversary?
Fuck day!

Yes, we fuck on the day
we fucked before

to commemorate
that fucking.

Whether we need it or not,

we're gonna fuck
on that day, by god.

Valentine's Day?
Fuck day!

Yes, we fuck when there's
chocolates and flowers around.

We fuck.

Your birthday?
You might even get a blowjob on your birthday.

I know.

It looks like everyone's getting laid in America.
Doesn't it?

I mean, if you look
at the media;

television and movies, you know.

Everyone's always, you know--

advertisements in magazines--

Billboards, everyone is...

but it's a mirage.
Not everyone lives at the MTV Beach House.

If this country wasn't
really so sexually repressed,

why would there be
so much perversion?

Why is there--

Why is there this rash,
excuse the phrase...

...of hot, blonde, 20-something
middle school teachers

fucking their 13-year-old
boy toy students?

Which I'm for, by the way.

Seriously.

You know.

See, America's big on
no-- no, uh--

Zero tolerance
and no double standards.

No, you know what?
Sometimes a double standard is necessary,

'cause there's two things.

Yes, when a 28-year-old
male teacher

fucks his 13-year-old
female student,

that is a crime,

but when 28-year-old
Debra Lafaye

fucks that kid,
that's a crime we didn't get it on videotape.

Wow.

That's...

That kid is not traumatized
for life.

I should have been
so traumatized for life.

So scarred!

Yeah, there's no such thing
as zero tolerance

and no double standards.
You know what?

Nuance isn't everything.
I'm sorry, but that's the truth.

Even with fucking kids,
there's nuance.

For example, Michael Jackson.

Now I'm not defending
what he did if he did it,

but you know what?
Even Michael Jackson's worst accusers

never said that he bent them over a table and...
you know...

Catholic shit.

No. No.

No, the--

the worst they said
that Michael Jackson ever did

was a little grabby-grabby
under the covers,

which, don't get me wrong,
I don't condone that either.

That's a crime,
but... a little nuance, okay?

Because you know what?

When I was 12 years old,
I was once brutally beaten up

on the playground
by two bullies.

Just punched in the face.

And if I could go back
to 1968,

and trade that experience

with being gently masturbated
by a pop star,

I would do it in a New York minute.

Frankie Valli
could jerk me off.

Glen Campbell
could jerk me off.

Tommy James and the Shondells
could jerk me off.

The Rascals.
Gary Puckett & The Union Gap could jerk me off.

The Zombies
could jerk me off.

The Drifters.
Not even the group,

just people who were out of work...

...could come in
and jerk me off.

Would still be better
than being punched in the face.

But I digress.
That's not really...

...what I was talking about.

I don't know how I got there.

I forgot I have free water
here tonight.

Okay, lobbying stories.

Here's-- here's another
great lobbyist stories.

You know, after 9/11
they put these barriers

in front of the Capitol.

Well, about a year ago
they finally stopped a guy.

It was Patrick Kennedy.

Congressman Patrick Kennedy

was driving to work at 3:00 a.m.

Why?
Because he was on Ambien,

which makes you crazy,

and he thought he had to get up out of bed at 3:00 a.m. and go to work.

But that's okay,
'cause Ambien is a prescription drug,

and they have a lobby,

and if your name
is on the little bottle,

it really doesn't matter
what it makes you do

because the United States government is a wholly-owned subsidiary

of the pharmaceutical industry.

So that's cool.

That's okay.

Meanwhile, marijuana has been
exhaustively tested over the last 30 years,

just by me.

And nothing.

That doesn't hurt you,
but not a--

not a month goes by when there's not a headline in the newspaper

about some prescription drug
doing something awful.

We found out that Vioxx relieves the pain and stiffness of arthritis

by killing you.

Couple of weeks ago it was Avandia,
whatever that is,

raises heart attack levels
by 43 %.

That seems like a lot to me.

Ask your undertaker
if Avandia is right for you.

I mean, seriously.
If this shit was any more lethal,

the Chinese would
put it in your toothpaste.

And--

And have you taken note
of the fact

that every prescription drug
has an "X" or a "Z" in the name?

You know, Vioxx, and Paxil,
and Oxycontin,

and Celebrex, and Fosamax,
and Prozac.

Are Americans really that dumb,

that all you have to do is put an "X" or a "Z" in the name and they go,

"Well, I'm not a doctor,
but I can see this is serious medicine"?

I think they come up with the pill before they come up with the disease.

Did anybody have
restless leg syndrome...

...before they had
a pill for it?

Did you get calls-- "Bill, I'd love to make the party,

"but the old restless leg
is acting up again, I--"

I never knew that I had a fungus monster

living under my big toenail.

There's a Tasmanian Devil
in there, apparently.

And not just in there,
it's partying.

Have you seen the commercial?

I swear to god,
there is a bacteria

playing the trombone.

That is pretty serious.

I'm waiting for the pill
they come up with

for your morning hard-on.

Do you need Flacciddix?

Flacciddix makes your penis
soft and manageable

when you need it most.

And it's got an "X"
right in the name.

So you know it's
serious medicine.

I see a lot of pills
advertised to relieve stress.

I think that's a huge scam.

Stress is life.

Sorry to burst the bubble.

But, you know,
I have good days and bad days.

I never have a no-stress day.
Do you?

It's the most natural thing
in the world.

It's in nature.
Look in nature.

You ever look
at a little woodland creature?

It's a nervous wreck.

Look at a poor little squirrel.
You know, it's like--

Even when it's eating lunch,
it's like--

Fuck, is something
gonna swoop down

or bite me in the ass...

Animals are such toast anyway.

You know, here's a good--
Here's a great lobbying story.

Okay, our national parks, right,

our shared national treasure,
and birthright, and all that, okay?

So they have a charter,
and in the charter it describes

something called,
"park purposes."

You know, what people do
in a park.

Like, you know, hiking, and boating,
and camping, and picnicking.

The Bush Administration
added mining.

Mining.
Oh, it's very relaxing, mining.

I love to get out there
in the parks and do some mining.

I tell you.

Whenever the old restless leg
is acting up

I get out to the parks
and I get a pneumatic drill

and a helmet with
a big light on it.

It's like falling asleep
in a hammock.

It's just--

Wouldn't you think that when it came to the environment,

conservatives would be
on the side of conserving?

Why-- why doesn't
that make sense?

But they're not.

They're on the side of making
Al Gore look ridiculous,

because if you can make
Al Gore look ridiculous,

he equals global warming,

and then that's ridiculous.

Except that it's not
really about Al Gore.

You know what?
It's not.

It's about losing
the polar icecaps,

and then the seas rising,

and then losing Venice,

and losing Holland,

and losing Manhattan,

and losing New Orleans,

and losing Florida,

and that's why I believe
Al Gore,

because if there's
one thing he knows,

it's losing Florida.

I told you it was easy
to make fun of Al Gore.

But seriously, I think
there are people who think

we don't really have to do
anything about the environment

because technology will save us.

They'll come up with some sort
of big space Dustbuster...

No, I don't think so.

Because I don't think
the technology I have works.

I don't.

I mean, iPods don't hold
a charge.

Cell phones work, basically,
whenever the fuck they want to.

The shit doesn't work.

You know what works?
Condoms.

Condoms, my friends...

ladies and Jews,
work every time.

I think that technology
has just served

to make us
more passive aggressive.

Like, I love email,
'cause you can just say what you have to say,

and push send
and leave the room,

and I'll deal
with your bullshit later.

We like that.
We really don't want to talk to each other.

You know, the phone machine.

We got so used
to getting the machine

that if someone
answers the phone,

it's like,
"Oh..."

"Well, that's rude."

"That is awfully rude of you.

"That puts me in the awkward position of having to talk to you."

We don't want
to talk to each other.

Cars now have television screens in the back seat,

'cause god forbid you talk
to the person in the front seat.

"Just 'cause we're in the same car doesn't mean I have to talk to you...

"Dad."

And then they blame the break up of the family on gay marriage.

Although I guess not anymore.

That was-- that was the big
wedge issue of 2004.

The big, fear-driven bogey man
was gay marriage.

But you know, for 2008;
immigration.

Oh, yes.
Brown is the new pink.

Yes.

And, boy, that Ricky Martin
can't catch a break.

Jeez.

Now wait, this is true.

In 2004...

Senator Rick Santorum
said that gay marriage

was a slippery slope
to bestiality.

True.
Lance and Timmy get married,

and the next thing you know,
the cat wants to blow them.

That's...

...how the cat knows they're married?
No, I don't know...

But it-- it's always
this fear, you know.

Fear of something,
and this time coming up it's gonna be the fear

that there are
dark, swarthy people out there

and if they're not coming here
to kill us,

they're coming here to take
our sweet valet parking jobs.

You know, the--

The far right in Congress--
the tough guys,

but also the ones who say
they're the big Christians--

they spent all year trying
to figure out the best way

to punish the people who do the worst jobs for the least pay.

The people who clean toilets,
and pick lettuce,

and wipe asses
for less than minimum wage.

That gravy train has to stop.

Could anything be less Christian

than exploiting the poor
and least fortunate among us?

I'm sorry religion is
so retarded, but it is.

I-- No, no.

I know I see people looking at me like...

Sorry.
I'm sorry.

But look,
I was just at the newly opened creationist Museum

in Kentucky,
if this doesn't say it all--

There is now a creationist Museum dedicated to the idea of creationism,

and they have this exhibit
of a giant dinosaur

with a saddle on his back.

Because the world
is only 5,000 years old

so man and the dinosaur
had to co-exist,

and of course we rode them.

A theory I thought laughable
at the age of eight,

when I saw it
on The Flintstones.

Aye, aye, aye!

And you know what?

The problem is
that the people

with the most ridiculous ideas

are always the people
who are most certain of them.

These people know
when life began.

They know when your life begins

and when it ends.

Which is so silly,
'cause you don't know.

Did you think Terri Schiavo
was dead?

I did.

But I have to say,
a couple of months later,

a brain-dead woman
gave birth to a baby,

and I said,
"Congratulations, Britney!"

You go, girl!

But these right-wingers
changed the Constitution

to insert a feeding tube
into Terri Schiavo,

and I thought it was
wonderfully ironic

that at the very moment
they were doing that,

Pope John Paul,
the old pope, was dying,

and they offered him the tube.

And he was like,
"Fuck the tube!"

The Pope was gangster
about that shit.

He was-- "I don't need no stinkin' tube.

"I'm the pope,
how would that look?"

When the Pope died,
Bush went over to Rome to his funeral,

and I've never
seen him happier.

He was like a kid
at the circus.

He was very impressed
by that funeral.

And you know what?
I don't blame him.

That was an impressive funeral.

That was a nine-hour funeral,

went off without a hitch.

And there was so many
lighting cues,

and sound cues,
and red choirs,

and then the white choir,

and the body comes in,
and the body comes out,

and this was going--

You know what?

I don't know if everyone
in that Catholic Church is gay,

but they sure have enough
to put on a show.

Wow.

There is a fine line
between Liturgy and Liberace

in that Catholic Church.

But the pope-- there's another one who's pro-life

as long as it's microscopic.

They all think they know
exactly when life begins

and that's why we can't
have stem cell research,

which actually would help
real people,

but they know for sure
that life begins

the moment the sperm
hits the hoo-ha.

Before the man
can light a cigarette,

there is a third person
in that room.

Before he can get up
and get a towel,

there is a third person in that room.

Before the woman can even say,
"What are you thinking?"

What happened to men
in this country.

Seriously.
Did you see that story...

about a year ago,
out of Atlanta,

about this woman
named Ashley Smith

who was kidnapped by this thug,
and he was a thug.

You know, he was on trial,
and he took over the courtroom

where they were trying him.
Shot three people in the courtroom,

hijacked a car, shot another guy,
kidnapped her,

and she talked to him
for 10 straight hours,

and he literally waved
a white flag.

He was like, "Take me back to prison,
just shut this bitch up."

And...

And I gotta say,
I think that says it all about men and women,

because women need
someone to listen,

and men need someone
to shut the fuck up!

Every time I'm on an airplane,

before we leave, sitting there,
every guy around me

is on the cell phone--
"Yeah, we're on the runway now."

"Love you, love you, love you,
love you, love you--"

Oh, there's so much love
out there in America.

"Yeah, we're third in line
for takeoff."

Why don't you just get
a husband cam?

You know, just...

get a camera that would
fit on your head,

and then she could see
where you are

every second of the day,

and you wouldn't
have to check in,

you pathetic, pussy-whipped
piece of shit.

You know what commercial
bugs the shit out of me?

That Cialis commercial.

You know,
the all-day boner pill?

"When the tender moment becomes the right moment."

Oh, Christ.
It's your own wife.

Can't you just bone somebody?
I mean...

you married her
for crying out loud.

They show the guy
taking her shopping,

they're in the hot tub together,

and touching fingers, you know.

Is it this much work to fuck
your own wife in America?

You have to keep a hard-on
for 36 hours?

Just for when the tender
and the right moment finally--

Pow! There you go.

Why don't you do a rain dance,
you piece of...

Has to be the tender moment?

I think a good grudge fuck
would do the both of you

a world of good.

I think it would do the whole country a world of good.

I'm telling you,
I think this country is so sexually frustrated,

and that is very fertile ground
for the Christian right

to conflate morals and values
with sex.

Because if they didn't
demonize sex,

then they'd have to start thinking about what was really moral,

or really a value.

The Republicans
think sex is bad

because with them
it always is.

It is.
They're--

I'm sorry, but...

They're just...

doughy, asexual,
wonky white people,

and if you had
to have sex with them,

it would be over in an excruciating three minutes.

It's just--

And from the headlines
of the last year,

I gather the only sex they're really good at is gay sex.

Really.

Jeff Gannon
in the White House Press Room.

Representative Mark Foley.

The Reverend Ted Haggard.

I mean, that's a lot of gay
when you're running against it

in every election.

And what is this campy fixation they have with all things Ronald Reagan?

I mean, they talk about Reagan

the way gay guys talk
about Barbra Streisand.

They do.

I think they want him on a stamp
so they can lick his ass.

I think they want to name
airports after him

so they can say,
"I'm coming into Reagan!"

Hey, look, I was never
that big a fan of Ronald Reagan,

but he did one thing
which I thought was fantastic,

which was in 1983 we had
troops in the Middle East.

Yes, in Lebanon,

and they got
their barracks blown up.

And what did Ronald Reagan do?

He cut and ran.

He said, "These people are fucking nuts.

"Let's get the hell
out of here."

Thank you, Ronald Reagan,

for that shining example of how
to behave in the Middle East.

Thank you, you're very nice.

Whereas George Bush

thinks that God speaks to him.

And, by the way,
if God looked over the whole country,

the whole world,
and made George Bush president,

how good is God, seriously?

But, yes, he thinks God
made him president.

So he needs to have big ideas,

like transforming
the Middle East.

One State of the Union Address,
I swear to god,

he said,
"We're going to Mars."

Really?
In the middle of the War on Terror, we're--

He did--
What he actually said was,

"We're going to Mars
and worlds beyond."

Easy, little man.

We can't get from Baghdad
to the Baghdad airport.

We can't get the people out of the trailers in New Orleans,

the trailers
that are killing them.

Did you see that yesterday?

I mean, I know that Bill Clinton
was an evil man,

who liked sex
and sex liked him...

...but does anybody doubt
that if he had been president

when that storm hit,
that the people,

you know, the actual people
of New Orleans,

would have been better off?

I mean, he would have,
first of all--

That's okay, but--

First of all,
he would have read about it before it happened.

You know, fag stuff.

He would have been down there
before it happened.

He would have not slept
for a week.

He would have stayed up working on it.
That's who he was.

Yes, he would have been
getting blown the whole time.

Who cares?

Come on, it's New Orleans.

You're not gonna send
Slick Willie to the Big Easy

and have nothing happen.

But so what?

He could handle it.
He was a multitasker.

This numbnuts isn't
even a unitasker.

You realize that
on the third day of Katrina,

Fidel Castro offered aid
to America.

I'm not kidding.
He had a big press conference and he said,

"Some president in this hemisphere must do something."

Now what do you think
Sean Hannity or Rush Limbaugh

would have said if Bill Clinton was president when that happened?

They would have said that Bill Clinton has brought this country so low

that Fidel Castro,
a Mexican...

Is he the worst president ever?

Ever!

I mean...
- Yes.

...when this man's term is over,

he has to walk back to Texas.

The sheer volume...

The volume of scandals,
of bloopers, boners,

and practical jokes--

Katrina, and Abu Ghraib,

Walter Reed, Alberto Gonzales,

not getting Bin Laden,

outing a CIA agent,

he tried to appoint his cleaning lady to the Supreme Court.

I'm not making this shit up.

He tried to sell the ports
to an Arab country.

Because nothing ever gets in the way

of crony capitalism.

He would try to sell
the Red Cross to Dracula...

...if it brought in
campaign cash.

He sat there
for seven minutes

when he was told the words,

"The country is under attack."

"Not that I'm suggesting
you get up on it."

"That was not
the implication at all.

"I'm just saying, FYI,
the country..."

I just hope the next time
people go into the voting booth

they have one idea
in their head,

which is that there is
a little more to this job

than just not getting blown.

Yeah,
not getting blown-- vital, I agree.

Very important,
but there's a little more.

Yes, we took a chance,
and we elected a guy who we wanted to have a beer with,

but maybe next time
we'll understand,

no, we need an exceptional person in this job.

For all their flaws, Al Gore was
an exceptional person,

John Kerry was
an exceptional person...

...George Bush
is a special person.

He is.

And the most infuriating thing
about him

is that he didn't even know
how bad he sucks.

That's what I hate,
the way he ends every press conference,

every language-mangling...

...embarrassing press
conference, by walking off

with that smirk on his face,
like, "Nailed it."

This man...

This man!

And you know he just dreads

the next time
there is a disaster,

because whenever
there's a disaster,

then he has to bring in his dad
and Bill Clinton together.

He's got a look on his face
like, "Not fair!

"They know things."

And to me,
that's the ultimate key to George Bush.

It's that he wants to be
the smartest guy in the room.

But to be
the smartest guy in the room,

you kind of have to fill that room with a bunch of dim bulbs.

And that's how you get
the Alberto Gonzales',

and the Harriet Miers, and the,
"You're doing a heck of a job," Brownies.

And my favorite...

My favorite Bush appointee
of all time,

Dr. David Hager,

who, to me,
sums up everything we've gone through in the last six and a half years,

because Dr.
David Hager was on the advisory board of the FDA,

making decisions about women's health and reproductive services.

And Dr. Hager was
a super Christ-y,

evangelical gynecologist.

It's kind of hard to find one of those,

but these are the Bush people.

Back in 1991 they found a black guy for the Supreme Court

who wasn't that crazy
about black people.

So they're good, you know.

And...

what had attracted
the Bush team to Dr. Hager

was that he and his wife
had written a book

suggesting that a remedy for women experiencing menstrual pain--

reading scripture.

How's that working out for you
gals, here, in the Boston area?

Good?

But that's not the funny part.

Listen to this.

So after 30 years of marriage,

Dr. David Hager and his wife
get divorced,

and she says that in the last few years of their marriage,

he was anally raping her
in her sleep.

And she didn't even
take the pledge.

You know, just...

Now I assume she woke up at some point during the proceedings.

I mean, if you can sleep
through that, you're a...

Your ass is a little loose,

I'm not gonna lie about--

But that's not
the funny part either.

The funny part is that when confronted with this accusation,

Dr. David Hager did not
exactly deny it.

She said his excuse was
he missed.

Which-- okay, first of all,

just sort of implies that it's okay to vaginally rape your wife in her sleep.

That's cool.

Honey, sleep, I'm just
gonna fuck you.

Please.

I know, you got
a busy day tomorrow.

I'm just gonna fuck you.
That's...

As Christ would, you know.

Stabbing your wife unexpectedly,

unwantedly in the pussy
in the middle of the night,

that's okay.

That's what the Christians
would do,

but in the ass?
Please, no, that's animals.

Who would do that?
A Hindu, a Jew,

but not the Christians.

No.

And two--
Oh my god, he missed.

I mean, the Bush people
have been in power so long,

they forgot how to lie.

They're like zoo lions that don't know how to hunt anymore.

He missed?

So what you have here,
is a gynecologist...

...claiming he cannot find
his own wife's vagina.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you
the Bush Administration.

And I thank you
very much.

You were a terrific audience,

as I knew you would be.
I appreciate it.

Thank you very much.

♪ ♪