Bill Hicks: Sane Man (1989) - full transcript

[horn honking]

[Hicks]
God, please help me.

I'm so tired.

I need my sleep,
I make no bones about it.

I need eight hours a day,

and about ten at night,
and I'm good.

But I'm so tired of traveling,

I'm so sick of sitting
in airport terminals,

sitting on runways,
in planes that won't take off.

Every time I see a hijacking
on the news now,
I just think to myself,

"Do it, do it, do it,
go for it.



I understand,
I'm behind you 100 percent,

'cause I have
thought about doing that."

Putting a gun
to that pilot's head
and saying,

"This is a hijacking,
now you get this motherfucking
plane off the ground now."

"Where do you want to go?
Cuba, Libya, Palestine? No?"

"I just wanna go where
this plane was supposed
to be five hours ago!

That's right, I'm hijacking
this plane to Nashville."

What a bummer, at the end
of all these hours of waiting,

that my ultimate destination
is towns as Nashville
or Baton Rouge.

I feel like a UFO,

because just like UFOs,
I too am appearing

in obscure Southern towns
in front of handfuls
of hillbillies.

And just like UFOs,
these hillbillies

find me equally
incomprehensible.



[announcer]
How about
a nice round of applause
for Mr. Bill Hicks.

- [crowd cheering]
- Give another hand
for Jimmy Pineapple,

John Farnetti,
and Jammer Bicks.
Let's let them here it. Come on!

- [applause, cheering]
- Come on!

Yeah. It's good to be here.

I haven't been here
in two years.

Thanks.

That warmth I've missed
in Austin.

"So? We've been here.

It's not our fault
you gotta travel around. Shit.

We supposed to follow you
around? You supposed
to be back here.

What are you doing?
Where are you?"

Were have I been? I've been
on my "Flying Saucer tour.

Which means like flying saucers,
I too have been appearing
in small Southern towns

in front of a handful
of hillbillies lately.

No one doubts my existence.

I've noticed a certain
anti-intellectualism

going around this country, man,
ever since around 1980.

Coincidentally, enough.

I was in Nashville, Tennessee
last week,

and after the show I went
to a Waffle House. Right?

I'm sitting there eating
and I'm reading a book,

I don't know anybody,
I'm alone.

I'm eating
and I'm reading a book.

And this waitress
comes over to me,

"What you reading for?"

Wow, I've never
been asked that.

Not what am I reading,
but what am I reading for?

Well, goddamn it,
you stumped me.

I guess I read
for a lot of reasons,

but the main one
is so I don't end up

being a fucking waffle waitress.

Yeah. That'd be real high
on the list.

Then this truck driver
at the next booth gets up,

stands over me and goes,
"Well, looks like we got
ourselves a reader."

What the fuck's going on?

Like I walked into a Klan rally
in a Boy George costume
or something.

Am I stepping out of some
intellectual closet here?
I read, there I said it.

I feel better.

Some serious humanity, man,
serious pockets of humanity
out there.

Go to some of these truck stops
in the middle of nowhere,
meet some serious folk, man.

Order a coffee, the guy behind
the counter goes, "You want
the 32 ounce or the large?"

Shit, how big is that large?

"You going want to pull
your car around back.

I'm going to start
that pump." [laughs]

[mic stand rattling]

That sounds like a lot
of fucking coffee, dude. I'm...

I don't know if I want to be
awake that long in Tennessee,
you know?

Just... on second thought...

...give me that pussy size.

Saw a sign by the road
in Tennessee once, it said,
"Dirt for sale."

What a great country we live in.
Huh?

Dirt... for sale.

How'd you like to get
inside that guy's mind and
look around for an hour, huh?

Guy sees the opportunity
at every glance, doesn't he?

This is a big world
for this gentleman.

"Oh, my God. Honey!

Honey, quit serving waffles
and come here, baby.

I'm gonna sell dirt!

Look, it's everywhere.

You need for a planet. Honey!"

The place was called Land Land.

Hm...

You ever see that sign--
this is a great sign,
the one that says

"Speed limit enforced
by aircraft"?

Wow!

Man, you get pulled over
by a plane...

...you're gonna have
a time talking your way
out of that ticket.

"You know how fast
you were going, son?"

"Uh, 70?"

"You were going 300 miles
an hour, buddy.

What the hell are you doing?"

"Sorry, sir, I had this large
coffee back at that truck stop.
[laughs]

I'm fucking flying!
Huge coffee!

I bought some dirt, I thought
that'd slow me down, but no.

Biggest motherfucking coffee
I ever seen.

He pumped it right up my nose.

I'm just skin covering
coffee right now.

And some real nervous teeth."
[snorts]

Tennessee.

Boy, you know, in many parts
of our troubled world,

people are yelling,
"Revolution, revolution."

In Tennessee they're yelling,
"Evolution."

"We want our thumbs!"

The thing is they see people
with thumbs on TV all day,

boy, that's gonna
drive them hog wild, huh?

[hooting]

Trailers are shaking.

- Hate that point...
- [woman] Yes!

They're nice people,
they're just,
what would you call them?

Rural?

Backwoods? Country?

They're real nice, man.

After the show, one
of these guys came up to me,

"Hey! You're great,
you're cracking me up.

I was about to spit."

"Sorry."

He said,
"No, I loved it.

I'd like you to meet
my wife and sister."

And there was one girl
standing there.

Not a thumb between them.
Goddamn it!

What are the odds of that?

Okay, the girl had
a little nubben growing out.

But the girls evolve
quicker than guys. That's...

[woman] Whoo!

♪ John is in the basement
mixing up the medicine ♪

♪ I'm on the pavement
thinking 'bout the government ♪

Nobody's smoking here.
There's smokers over there.

There you are,
cool as fucking cucumbers.

How many smokers do we
have here tonight? Smokers?

- [scattered whistling]
- Whoo!

Look at that energy,
they can pump out at will, huh?

You... [wheezing]

Over here... [wheezing]

Oh... [wheezing]

[wheezing, coughing]

Thanks, smokers.

A valiant effort on your part.

Next time just hock up a chunk
of lung when I need you, though,
all right?

Just rear back and launch
a phlegm gem towards the stage.

[spits]

Get one of those "raw oysters"
happening.

[inhales, clears throat]

[chittering]

Hey, hey,
phlegm shouldn't have legs.

Now... I'm no doctor,

but I've seen one on TV.

You ready for this, smokers?
Listen to this.

How many non-smokers
do we have here tonight?
Non-smokers.

[cheering, applause]

What a bunch of whining maggots.

Bunch of obnoxious,
self-righteous slugs.

Don't take that wrong.

I'd quit smoking if I didn't
think I'd become one of you,
I swear to God.

I'm willing to die seven years
before my time

just so I'll be cool
each last fucking day.

The worst kind of non-smoker...

...is the one
where you're smoking,
and they just walk up to you...

[clears throat]

[clears throat]

[clears throat]

I always say, "Shit, you're
lucky you don't smoke.

That's a hell of a cough
you got there.

I smoke all day
and don't cough like that.

Maybe you were conceived
with a weak sperm or something.

Maybe your dad was jerking off
and your mom sat on it
at the last second."

Did I overreact?

I don't think I did, did I?

I think that's kind of cruel.
I'm smoking and you come up
coughing at me.

Jesus!

You go up to crippled people
dancing too, you fucks?

"Well, hey, Mr. Wheelchair.
What's your problem?

Come on, Ironside,
race you!"

You fucking sadists.

I mean, the nerve!

I'll smoke, I'll cough,
I'll get the tumors, I'll die.

Deal?

Thank you, America.

People say, "Well, it's the
secondary smoke, it's not
just the smoke that you smoke,

but it's also the smoke
that comes out."

If it was just the smoke that
you smoke, that'd be fine.

But it's also, there's the
secondary smoke that's also...

...because there's been
reports and studies that
the secondary smoke is also...

If it wasn't just the smoke
for you, but also the stuff
that you breathe out,

I wouldn't... [indistinct]
Then it goes
and it's third-dary smoke.

Then fourth, but then by then
I'm sick and I'm dead.
So what do I do?"

Good theory.

But guess what?
If I don't smoke,

there's gonna be secondary
bullets coming your way.

'Cause I'm that tense.

But I'm trying to quit.
How much do you smoke a day,
sir?

- [man] A pack.
- A pack? What a little puss!

God! Why don't you just
put a dress on
and show it all to us

while you smoke your
little faggoty pack.

Come on, swish around for us.

Damn it, that pisses me off.

I go through two lighters a day,
dude, all right?

And I'm starting to feel it.

I got this big fear doing
smoking jokes in my act, right,

showing up five years from now,
going...

"Good evening, everybody.

Remember me?

Smoking is bad."

[shudders]

You ever seen anybody do that?
I've seen somebody do that, man.

Let me tell you something:
if you're smoking out
of a hole in your neck...

...I'd think about quitting.

And that's just me, you know.

What I do do, though,
I know all smokers do this,
you notice this.

Every cigarette pack has
a Surgeon General's warning
on it. How cool.

Mine say, "Warning, smoking
may cause fetal injury
or premature birth."

Fuck it. [laughs]
I found my brand.

Just don't get the ones
that say "Lung cancer."

You know, shop around.

Hell, give me a carton of them
"low birth weights."

What the fuck do I care?

"Why you so down, Bill?"
"Low birth weight. Yeah.

Smoking way too many
low birth weights." [laughs]

Mm-mm-mm! It tastes like steak
and potatoes, doesn't it?

See, I don't, you know,
I don't drink, I smoke.

I used to drink, you know,
I did. I had to quit.

Man, I was
an embarrassing drunk, man.

I get pulled over by the cops,
I'd be so drunk,

I'd be out dancing to their
lights thinking I'd made it
to another club.

"Hey, what is this,
a leather bar? Hey, hey, hey!

I'm not into this, you faggots.

Oh, shit!"

Not drinking tonight? No! Why?

You don't drink? Neither do I.
Good. Good for you.

Boy, I tell you, they changed
that drunk driving shit, man.

The attitude is just too harsh
for me. Way too harsh.

You remember ten years ago,
anybody, ten years ago?

If you got pulled over,
cop came up to your car,

"Son, you been drinking?"
"Yeah."

"Oh, sorry to bother you.

Hope I didn't bring
your buzz down any. Okay.

Get on out of here,
have some fun.

Drink one for us. [laughs]
We'll be joining you
right after duty.

Okay, bye-bye.
Back in the car, Tommy,

it's a drunk guy behind
the wheel of an automobile,
that's all."

You remember that?
Now you are the murderer.

Remember, drunks go, "Why don't
you catch murderers?"
You are the fucking murderer.

You know? And they're gonna
nail you, man. They got
that field sobriety test.

Guaranteed. They start off slow,
I love it.

Walk a straight line.
Well, shit.

I've been so drunk
I've peed in my own pants.

But at no time could I not--
I could skip a fucking
straight line.

Touch your nose!

Well, dude, I could shoot
thorazine into my heart,

and still find
my fucking nose.

I've never understood that one
at all.

That is just--
are people out there who
cannot find their nose?

I don't-- it's right there.

Never will it move, I don't care
how fucking drunk I am.

I could have no arms,
and still find my fucking nose.

But then the kicker.
Say the alphabet...

- [man] Backwards!
- ...backwards.

Well, shit, you got me.

I'm not drunk,
but I'm obviously too stupid
to be driving, goddamn it.

Think somebody
can actually do this?

What kind of sobriety test
is this?

They're making this shit up
as they go.

They're having fun with you.
You're jumping through hoops
for these guys, man.

They're sitting there going,
"Shit, do a flip.

Come here, son. Put your dick
in our exhaust pipe.
Do it right now."

"Shit, I never heard
of this one.

These are officers,
they know what they're dong.

Goddamn, that's hot.

Shit, how long
have they been chasing us?

Fuck!"

Man, they're just
having fun with you.

This has nothing to do
with sobriety test.

You're... you're auditioning
for your freedom, you think.

♪ Oh, Z, Y, Z, Y...
I don't know the rest of it.

They humiliate you
for their own amusement,
then they pop you. All right?

So I say fuck it.

"Walk a straight line
and touch your nose."
"Fuck that, I'm drunk.

[sniffs]

I might puke
if I start moving around a lot.

Oh! How about this, officer?
How about you carry me
to the back of your car?

I think I'll start my 18-hour
nap right now, buddy."

You ever seen vomit go through
that mesh screen

between the front
and back seat of their car?
Oh, yeah.

You're gonna rue the day
you pulled me over, buddy.

I've been eating bar olives
for three days straight.

I don't think it's gonna go
with your crispy blues.

Wouldn't that be great
to be too drunk to bust?

They just go,
"Screw it, let him go.

Boy, he did a nice flip,
though, didn't he?

Touching his nose
the whole way around."

Touch your nose?
I don't...

Every fucking time,
never will I miss my nose.

Oh, man.

You know what was really
humiliating,
driving and drinking,

I was driving a Chevette.
Boy, that's...

Getting that DWI
in a Chevette. Goddamn it.

Not like if I hit anyone
it would make a difference,
you know?

Be fair.

"Son, you're drunk,
no doubt about it.

But you're in a Chevette, buddy.
Hell, go get 'em." [laughs]

[engine revving sound]
[thudding sound]

Excuse me!
[engine revving sound]

[thudding sound]
Pardon me! Sorry!

[engine revving sound]
[thudding sound]

Fucking be like a Big Wheel
hitting your shin, you know?

They got mosquitoes bigger
than these fucking cars.

A piece of shit car.

Turn the air conditioner on in
a Chevette while you're driving,

it's like hitting this car
in the balls, man.

The car just, "Oh!

Oh! Oh!" [revving]

It goes down to five
all of a sudden.

[low revving sound]

I feel like the Flintstones
in this thing.

[low revving]

You push the lighter in,
the battery light comes on.

[low revving]

No wonder I'm fucking drunk.

I hit a moth one time,
did $400 damage
in this piece of shit car.

The moth was all right,
he rolled with it.

He took off, I'm waiting
for a tow truck.

"What happened to your car,
buddy?" "Shit, I hit a bug."

"You're lucky to be alive, son.

A man in Tennessee man hit
a ladybug in one of them things.

Sheared his head clean off.
And his thumbs.

Really sort of
a freak accident."

[sighs] Oh, man.

You're a good crowd.
It's good to be back.

A lot of partying here
in Austin. Ton of partying.

- [crowd cheering]
- I don't do drugs.

I want to thank management
for offering, but I said no.

And when I say no, it means...
how much
and can I get some more?

No. It means no.
I mean that.

Unless you're giving it away.
No, it means no.

And can I also get some ludes
to come down later?

No, it means,
seriously, it means no.

Is the bar open? Oh, okay, no.
It means...
let's see how I...

No. I used to do drugs.
I had no luck with drugs, man.

One time me and three friends
dropped acid, drove around
in my dad's car.

He has one of those
talking cars.

We're tripping and the car goes,
"The door is ajar."

We pulled over and thought
about that for 12 hours, man.

"Shit, how can a door be a jar?

Oh, shit, why would they put
a jar on a car?

Oh, shit,
the freeway's melting.

Put it in the jar!"

This went on for hours.
[imitates crickets]

- "But if it's a jar..."
- [imitates crickets]

- "But what kind of car--"
- [imitates crickets]

- [imitates coyote howling]
- "I'm tired."

- [man] Elmer Dinkley!
- Shit.

Got pulled over tripping once.
Whoo! There's a dream come true.

I'll match that to any
drunk story you got.

Pulled over tripping. Jesus.

The cop was tapping
on this window,

we're staring at him
in this mirror over here.

"How tall are you?

Ooh!

Shit!

Ambush!

Big one and a little one.

Twins.

Oh, shit.

Be cool.

Z..."

So I don't do drugs.
I got nothing against drugs.

I got nothing against drugs.
I think it's a personal choice.

Just like alcohol,
just like cigarettes.

As long as that personal choice
does not infringe upon
the freedoms

of another person's
personal choice. Really.
That's the end of the story.

That's called logic,
it'll help you.

George Bush says we are losing
the war on drugs.

Well, you know what that
implies? There's a war going on

and people on drugs
are winning it! [laughs]

Well, what does that tell you
about drugs?

Some smart, creative
motherfuckers on that side.

They're winning a war
and they're fucked up!

A lot of ya'll don't even know
you're fighting, do you?
You're sitting there going,

"Fuck, I'm watching
Saturday Night Live.
Are we winning?

What the fuck?
I feel like my flank is covered.

Honey, bring me a beer.
Got a war to win! [laughs]"

Fucking war is that?

You know, the war on drugs
is hypocrisy, man.

That's why it's not gonna work,
it's fucking a lie.

Alcohol and cigarettes kills
more people than crack, coke
and heroin combined.

So the war on drugs is really
sort of a cock suck, isn't it?

You alcoholics are going,
"Shit, we're next.
If they're fighting drugs,

'cause we could be taken.
[laughs]

Drug guys are creative
motherfuckers.
We're just obnoxious, man.

We're fucking out there.

Hey, here comes the fight."

You know what the problem
with the war on drugs is?
They lump all drugs together.

You know what I mean?
Pot and crack!

And they're not the same.
Not only do I think pot
should be legalized,

- I think it should
be mandatory.
- [cheering]

Think about it. You get
in traffic behind somebody...

[imitates horn honking]

"Shut up and smoke that.

It's the law."

[inhales] "Oh, sorry,
I was taking life seriously."

[laughs]

"Oh, shit, I'm sorry
about all that noise.
I thought it mattered."

[laughs, inhales]

"Oh, shit, who's hungry?"

That'd be a nice world,
wouldn't it?

Mellow, hungry,
fucked up people everywhere?

Domino's Pizza trucks
passing each other
on every highway.

Parades of Domino's.
[imitates horn honking]

Let them get stuck in traffic,
all our pizzas will be free.

The war on drugs.
You know what's wild?

You never see a positive
drug story on the news, do you?
Ever seen one?

Isn't that weird?
Don't you think that's strange?

I mean, the news is supposed
to be objective,

isn't it supposed to be...
the news?

But every drug story
is negative?

Well, hold it.

I've had some killer times
on drugs.

I'm not promoting it,
but I'm not denying it.

Let's hear
the whole fucking story.

Same LSD story every time.
We've all heard it.

Young man on acid
thought he could fly,

jumped out of a building.
What a tragedy.

What a dick.

Don't go blaming acid
on this fucking guy.
Hey, hey, hey.

If he thought he could fly,
let him take off from the ground
and check it out first.

Fuck it. He's an idiot.
He's dead. Good.

You don't see ducks
lined up to catch elevators
to fly north, do you?

No, they fly from the fucking
ground. The guy was a moron.
He's dead. Good. No tragedy.

To me, there's one less idiot
in the world. Whoo! How am I
gonna sleep through the night?

"Why so down, Bill?"
"We're missing a moron.

[sobbing] We're missing
a moron!"

I'm not trying to be cold
or cruel. You know, but goddamn.
Let's hear the whole story.

Wouldn't you like to see a
positive LSD story on the news,

to hear what it's all about,
perhaps? Wouldn't that
be interesting, just once?

"Today, a young man on acid
realized that all matter
is merely energy condensed

to a slow vibration, that we
are all one consciousness

experiencing itself
subjectively.

There's no such thing as death,
life is only a dream,

we're the imagination
of ourselves.
Here's Tom with the weather."

[cheering, applause]

"Wow!

Did you see the news?

Something about how we're God's
perfect and holy thoughts
and we live in his mind

and there's no reason to suffer
or lack. Ever.

I thought it was
sort of newsworthy.

Then again, I was fucked up
at the time, so who knows?"

Shit, man, it's got too many
mixed signals, you know
what I mean?

A lot of our heroes
are big drug users.
It's tough for us, right?

And when you're really down
and out, you can always think,
hey, if drugs are so bad for us,

how come Keith Richards
still fucking walks?

Let's hear the Surgeon General's
report on Keith.

Little hole in the theory there.

Surgeon General says,
"Drugs are bad.
Drugs are evil.

- [man mutters]
- Except for that guy.

They work real well for him,
but the rest of you."

It's like that commercial,
the guy with the skillet.

"This is your brain.
[sizzling sound]

Here's Keith's brain.
[sizzling sound]

Here's Keith's brain on drugs."
[hums "Satisfaction"]

Hey, that sounds pretty good.

That's him on drugs?
Well, shit.

Give him some more. Let's see
what else he pumps out.

Here's Keith almost dead.
[hums rock music]

Well, fuck it, let's kill him.

Get some real hits.

I'm telling you, man.
Keith Richards outlived Jim
Fixx, the runner and health nut.

The plot thickens.

You remember Jim Fixx?
This human cipher,

used to write books on jogging.
Now, what do you fucking write
about jogging?

"Right foot, left foot.

Faster, faster.

Oh, hell, I don't know.
Go home, shower."

Pretty much covers
the jogging experience,
I do believe.

Then this doofus goes out and
has a heart attack and dies...

...while jogging. Ahh! [laughs]

There is a God.

Right foot, left foot.
Hemorrhage.

"Eh, Jim, we're gonna need
a happier ending, buddy.

Got your latest manuscript.
Right foot, left foot.
Blood spurts out.

Now, Jim, what the hell is this?
You having problems at home,
buddy?"

Shit, man. Keith Richards
is shooting heroin into the vein
under his cock

and he's still touring,
all right?

I'm getting mixed signals.

That's all I'm saying.
I'm not pro or con,
I'm just saying.

Drink up, have fun.
There is no death.

Drink up, have fun.
Don't suffer, don't feel guilty.

Drink up, have fun.
Don't feel guilty, don't suffer
for there is no death.

God loves you no matter what
you do, you are the perfect
holy child with God.

And as my friend Jimmy Pineapple
would say,

"Case fucking closed."

[applause]

'Cause I get depressed.
You don't think I don't?

Shit, you think I'm wearing
all black in the summertime

'cause I'm a fucking ray
of sunshine, dude?

The fact that we live in a world
where John Lennon
was murdered

yet Barry Manilow continues
to put out albums, oh, yeah.

Whoo-hoo!

Man, if you're gonna
kill somebody,
have some fucking taste.

I'll drive you
to Kenny Rogers' house.

Get in the car,
I know where Wham lives.

♪ You gotta faith
Duh-duh-duh ♪

[imitates gunshots]

No, George,
you gotta have talent, dude.

[imitates gunshots]

New rule.

And you can shave that two-day
growth of beard off

'cause you're fooling no one,
you big girl.

[imitates gunshots]

[cheering]

For the record,
let's not mince words.

Our very lives depend
upon truth.

George Michaels is a big girl.

If you ladies like him,
you're dykes.

It's the way it is.
That's cool, I've always said

the only thing more beautiful
than a woman is two of 'em.

So, go ahead, like him.
But understand there is a part
of you that makes you wanna

go down on another woman.
That's all. Every time
you listen to the record,

you're thinking, "God, I'd love
to eat another woman's pussy."

But fine, enjoy it, you know.
Enjoy it. Don't feel guilty.
Do what you wanna do.

And God loves you
no matter what you do.

But understand that every time
you listen to George Michaels
or give him money,

that you're thinking, "My God,
what would I not give

to have a bush in my mouth
right now.

My God, to smell that stinky
little peace fish, oh, Lord.

Oh, give me that stuff.
Let it drip like honey."

But understand that that's cool.
But that is what it is.

[laughs]

George Michaels, man.
Have you seen this guy?

He's hawking Diet Cokes now.
Have you seen that commercial?

"Whoo! Diet Cokes!
I'm George Michaels!
Look, I'm a rock star!"

What kind of Reagan wet dream
is this fucking world, man?

These are our rock stars,
you know?

Hawking Diet Cokes.

What real rock star
would do something like that?

It's Keith Moon for Snickers!

"Sometimes I'm doing a drum
solo, and I haven't eaten
for like three fucking weeks.

The needle broke off in me arm.
I eat a Snickers!"

That's a rock star.

"Diet Coke!"

Why don't you just put
a skirt on and get on a swing
set for that commercial, George?

"Diet Coke! Come on, ya'll,
let's drink Diet Coke together
and listen to rock music.

Come on, hee-hee-hee!

Come on, everybody, I got extra
panties in the tour bus.

Let's go. Come on, I got
panties for everybody.

We're gonna drink Diet Cokes
so our little bottom
doesn't get too big.

God, we love little bottoms,
don't we, girls? Yes, we do!"
[giggles]

You make me fucking sick.

Everybody's hawking products,
though. That's the highest thing
you can achieve in our culture.

Isn't it? Become some barker.

You guys are getting into it.
"Yeah!

Who do I kill?" Chill.

Sinatra sells beer. He doesn't
have enough fucking money?

You know? Nothing's sacred.
I'm waiting to see,
"It's Jesus for Miller."

"I was crucified, dead for three
days, resurrected and waited
2,000 years to return to Earth.

It's Miller Time."

"You know, Jesus, it doesn't
get better than this."

Are ya'll into this
or am I like, can I get off now?

[cheering, applause]

- Let me hear you say yeah!
- [audience] Yeah!

- Say it! Yeah!
- [audience] Yeah!

- Well, all right!
- [audience] All right!

- [chirping]
- [audience chirps]

Thanks. Leave me hanging.

"Bill, we don't make
cricket sounds."

Practice!

- [man] Do it again!
- [chirping] Thank you.
Requests.

Do ya'll understand what I'm
saying? Am I overly sensitive?

I mean, the fact that after
eight years of Ronald Reagan

we live on like the third mall
from the sun, that doesn't
piss anybody off anymore?

Debbie Gibson had the number one
album in this country.

This doesn't make your blood
fucking curdle?

I mean, is it me?
Am I overreacting?

Who is buying this shit?
Is there that much
babysitting money

being passed around
right now?

Have you seen this little
mall creature at work?

♪ Shake your love

♪ Shake your love

What love are you shaking?
You're 12!

You got no titties.

You look like John Boy.

And your music sucks.

Shut up and go back
to the mall that spawned you.

Go babysit Tiffany.
That's what you should be doing.

And spank her little bottom
till it's pink,
then kiss it all over.

There's a video I'll watch
of you two.

I'd like to see those two
little hairless peach fishes
locked in a 69.

Keep their fucking mouths busy
so they don't have
to sing for us.

"Debbie, I gotta do it
or I'll have to sing."
"Oh, fuck, start eating, baby."

[moaning]
"Oh, God, it's like a freshly
opened cantaloupe."

"I know, baby." [moaning]

There's a video I'll watch.

What did I say?

Some of ya'll are starting
to pull back on me.
What's the deal?

Tiffany! There's another waste
of flesh and organs, huh?

Boy, to think someone
could use a good liver.
That's what really ticks me off.

She'll live to be 105
without a pimple, you know?

Rick Astley, have you seen
this banal incubus at work?

Boy, if this guy's not heralding
Satan's imminent approach
to Earth, huh?

♪ Don't ever wanna make you cry
Never wanna make you sigh ♪

♪ Never wanna
break your heart ♪

I wouldn't worry about that
without a dick, buddy.

You got a corn nut.
You have a clit.
You're not even a guy.

You're an AIDS germ
that got off a slide.

They're putting music
to AIDS germs, putting
a drum machine behind him,

and a metronome beat,
and Ted Turner's colorizing him,
goddamn it.

These aren't even really people,
man.

It's a CIA plot to make you
think malls are good.

Don't you see?

"But Bill, malls are good.

Malls allow us to shop 365 days
of the year at 72 degrees.

That must be a goodness.

We're happy consumers."

"I'm a happy consumer!

And you know... [giggles]

I'm concerned about what my
children consume! [giggles]

I'd like to consume
the barrel of a 12 gauge shotgun
right now if I could.

Thank you, 'cause I'm in hell."
[giggles]

- [imitates gunshot]
- [slow motion gunshot]

You do realize, by the year
2000, all malls in the world
are gonna be connected.

There's gonna be a subculture
of mall people
who have never seen daylight,

born, bred and raised
in the malls,

and sent out to the wafting
tunes of Debbie Gibson

to become... happy consumers.

Maybe it's me, I'm gonna leave
it up to you. I'm gonna let you
decide all of this, sir.

You look like
a reasonable gentleman.

But I remember a time
when music had soul,

and music had conscience,
and music had balls.

Do you recall that at all,
or am I romanticizing the past?

- Excuse me?
For the whole people here.
- [man] Yes, I do.

Yes, he does.

- Jimi Hendrix.
- [cheering]

Any question about that guy?

♪ Stand by the mountain
Chop it down with the edge
of my hand ♪

[imitating electric guitar]

This guy had a dick.

Like an anaconda head.

Swinging in the wind.

♪ Don't ever wanna make you cry
Never wanna break your heart ♪

♪ Diet Coke
Come on!

We're the new rockstars!
We're the ones
that drink Diet Coke

and shop in your malls. Whoo!

You make me fucking sick.

I would love have seen
the Jimi Hendrix-
Debbie Gibson album.

[chuckles] I bet he could
shake her love right in half.

[imitates electric guitar]

♪ Foxy

Mommy!

[imitates electric guitar]

♪ Foxy lady

Mommy!

[imitates electric guitar]

[crowd cheering]

♪ Voodoo child, baby

Mommy, I wanna go back
to the mall!

I suck, I suck! Just get that
guy with the big dick away!

[imitates electric guitar]

Just cut her in two
with a dick like a buzz saw.

[imitates chainsaw]

Cut her into little
mall cordwood, man.

Save a pair of bloody panties
for Rick Astley to slip on,
boom.

She's dead, he's a woman,
Jimi's still jamming.

I'm a dreamer.

[laughs] I am available for
children's parties, by the way.

Those of you who have a youngun
coming of age.

Don't wanna go the traditional
clown, balloon animal route
this year.

Yeah, we got you a clown, Tommy.
Bill's a Bozo.

[chuckles evilly]

Jimi Hendrix,
that was a casualty.

So there you come full circle.

Jimi Hendrix died in a pool
of his own vomit.

Uh!

You know how much you have
to puke to fill up a pool?

[vomiting sounds]

No diving yet.

[retching]

Okay, Keith Moon, cannonball.

Jim Morrison on the high dive.

Janis Joplin
in the wading pool.

[gurgling]

There have been casualties.

- Some of them...
- [man] John Bonham!

Yeah, it's John Bonham
for Certs.

"I threw up blood in my sleep
last night.

And I got a date
with two 13-year-old twins.

They hate the smell of blood
on a man. I suck Certs."

Diet Coke! Whoo!
We're the new rockstars!
Come on!

Rock on, get the good drink!

Boy, I tell you, if money
had a dick, George Michaels
would be a flaming faggot.

"Oh, Diet Coke? Oh, yeah! Mm!
I love Diet Coke.

Uh-huh. Oh! Oh, God.

I drink it every day. Uh-huh.
It's good! Oh, yeah.

Oh, only one calorie? Okay.
My check signed yet? Oh, God."

Make me fucking sick.

There have been casualties.

[clears throat]

♪ And now

♪ The end is near

♪ And I face
Thank you, honey.

♪ The final curtain
Here you go, honey.

♪ Regrets

♪ I've had a few

♪ But too few
Here you go, honey, little tip.

♪ To really mention

♪ And now

♪ These days are here

♪ And I face
Take that home with you, honey.

♪ Each every highway

♪ But more
Here you go, baby.

♪ Much more than this

♪ I did it my way

♪ What is a man

♪ Who's got it all
Here you go, honey.
Hope it's big enough.

♪ All that you are

♪ Oh, yeah

Thank you. You're a beautiful
audience. Brand-new Cadillac.

Thank you. Brand-new Cadillac,
honey.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Brand-new Cadillac.

Thank you,
you're a beautiful audience.

Brand-new Cadillac, honey.
Thank you.

Brand-new Cadillac,
honey. Thank you.

Brand-new Cadillac.
It's your second one.
You gonna need a coat check.

Brand-new Cadillac, honey.
Thank you.

Courtesy of the King.
Thank you, you're beautiful.

Brand-new Cadillac, honey.
Thank you.

Everyone here tonight,
brand-new Cadillac. Thank you.

[audience cheering]

[grunts]

I think that's what
killed Elvis, man.

It wasn't drugs, he got that
bill from General Motors.

"Oh! Fuck, how many Cadillacs
did I give away?

Shit, I gotta tour again.

I can't even fit
in my jumpsuit."

♪ I did it Nick's way

[laughs] Everyone was so shocked
about Elvis dying of drugs.

That was so sad, wasn't it?
"Why'd it have to be Elvis?

[sobbing] Not Elvis
dying of drugs!

[sobbing]

[indistinct]

Not Elvis! [indistinct]"

It could have been worse.

He could have not been
a heavy drug user,

and instead been a--
been a heavy smoker,

and still be alive today.

[heavy breathing]

"[wheezing] Thank you.

Thank you. [heavy breathing]

Thank you. [heavy breathing]"

♪ And now

♪ The end is near

♪ And I face

♪ The final curtain

♪ Regrets

[heavy breathing] Thank you.
♪ I've had a few

It could have been worse.

Boy, dying was a good career
move, man. He skyrocketed,
wasn't it?

What was he gonna do,
get more unpopular
if he'd lived?

Wouldn't that have been sad?
A real poor Elvis.

Touring with Steppenwolf
and shit.

Wouldn't that have been gross?
"Thank you, brand-new Chevette,
honey. Thank you.

You're a beautiful audience.
Brand-hew Hugo, honey.
Thank you.

Brand-new Gremlin, baby.
Love you. Courtesy of the King.
Thank you.

Brand-new Big Wheel, honey.
I'm just about out of cash.

Brand-new Tonka toy,
coming at you."

It could have been worse.

I wish I was Elvis.
I could be Elvis.

- Hendrix lived.
- [feedback]

Oh, shit.

[film projector whirring]

Here's my favorite job
in the world, though.

You see this guy by every
freeway in Austin.

Hey!

Mr. Surveyor. There he is.

What the hell is he surveying
all day?

You know what he surveys
all day long? That dick
with the stick.

Who is this doofus?

Does he get a check?

The guy that holds the stick,
does he pick up some cash?

How do you advertise
for that job? "Are you willing
to stand by the freeway

in the sun and be called asshole
by air-conditioned
oncoming cars?"

"Well, sure, I can do that."

What a dick.

I'd make him go in front
of traffic all day, man.

[imitating tires screeching,
crashing]

[imitating tires screeching,
crashing]

"Hey, cut it out.

That smarts.

Luckily, it was a Chevette.

Shit, I think I killed him."

♪ Much more than this
I did it my way ♪

♪ And that...
All right.

[indistinct]
You're a great crowd.

I'm gonna do a little longer
than I was supposed to do
for you tonight.

[cheering, applause]

'Cause this is Austin, Texas.

[cheering]

And I know for a fact
there's nothing else going on.

- [man] How much longer?
- How much longer?

You got a date, buddy?

You gotta be at work?

- [man] Elmer Dinkley!
- No, no, no!

- [man] Yes!
- God, okay.

I was in this real small town
once, all right?

Town was so small, get this,
you know in hotel rooms,

you gotta dial nine
to get an outside line? Right?

Get this. I dialed nine,
and got the Elmer Dinkley
residence.

"Hello? Who's this?"

"Elmer Dinkley,
you just called my house."

"Your phone number's nine?"

"Well, shit, my cousin's
is 23. I had to write
that one down.

Wrote it on my forehead.
I keep calling 32. [laughs]

I said, 'How do you hold the
phone without a thumb?'

I go to the Waffle House
and get syrup on my hands.
They stick to everything."

"Do Elmer Dinkley again!"

[laughs, indistinct]

[audience] Whoo!

Thank you.

I love what I do.
I have the greatest job
in the world.

What do you do, sir?
An engineer?

Any particular train?
Okay, thank you.

See, you have to do the engineer
joke... what do you do?

Human resources?

Uh, you mall... mine... malls?

What do you, mine malls?
What do you do?
What is that exactly?

Oh, computer corporation.
Thank you. Sorry. Sorry.

We're about to get into
demographics and marketing.

"Uh, Bill, we'd like
to have you on our TV show,

but our demographics show that
our people that watch our show

are really stupid and sensitive
and, uh,

they can't really deal with
somebody who's saying something

that's beyond the mall
perception of the world.

So, Bill, we think you're really
funny and creative,

but our marketing shows
that our audience is targeted

towards people who watch George
Michael and then go actually buy
Diet Coke.

'Cause that little fairy
princess is drinking it.

So, Bill, you wouldn't really
fit in in the scheme of the
world as we see it. [snorts]"

[snorting]

Gross! Ooh!
There's a raw oyster, man.

One of them half shell deals.

Dude, I like the sunglasses
in the nightclub.
That's a neat touch.

Mr. Cool Guy with
the bloody shins over there.

Nah, nah, nah. Ooh!

"Shit, I didn't see
that fucking chair.

Goddamn, my glasses
make me look cool.

Oh!

Oh, Jesus!
But I look cool, right?

All right. I'm bleeding from
several different bones here.

But now I got my sunglasses
in a nightclub, so God knows
I'm the coolest dude on Earth.

[slow-motion] Oh!

I'm cool. Oh, shit!"

Take your fucking sunglasses
off, it's nighttime.

"But I gotta be cool,
I gotta be cool.

I've gotta compensate
for that fucking penny shirt,
goddamn it."

Get a shot
of that fucking shirt!

I'm gonna leave you here
with a brand-new penny shirt,
dude.

Thank you.
You're a beautiful audience.

I wanna thank each
and every one of you.

- What do you do?
- [man] Garbageman.

Garbageman!
What a great job.

But call it preventive medicine.

Really.

See, I can't work, ya'll.
I can't work is why...

Bosses. Aren't they something?
Bosses.

They're like gnats on
a camping trip, aren't they?

[buzzing]

[buzzing]

Get the fuck out of my face.

It's just a job, it doesn't
mean a thing, all right, dude?

I smoked a joint this morning,
you're lucky I showed, bud.

My bed was like a womb.

Boy, they say childbirth
is hard on a woman.

I think it's harder
on the kid, man.

You just don't get to hear
their side till they're 13.

Then they're just pissed,
they forgot why.

Think about childbirth.
Your first nine months alive,
rent free, free food,

constantly asleep.
Ooh, that's gonna fucking last.

Suddenly, you're pushed
into the light. [grunting]

[grunting]

Pssh! Get a job!

[screaming]

Pretty fucking traumatic.

But I'm over it.

'Cause I don't have
to get a job.

Bosses. You know what I always
used to get from my boss?

"Hicks, how come
you're not working?"

I go, "There's nothing to do."
He goes, "Well, you pretend
like you're working, son."

And I go, "Why don't you pretend
I'm working.

You get paid more than me,
you fantasize.

Shit, pretend I'm mopping.

I'll pretend they're buying
shit, we can close up. Hey!

I'm the boss now, you're fired.
How's that for a fantasy, sir?

I'm on a roll."

Pretend to work,
give me a...

First of all, the very idea
that anybody could be my boss,

well, you see the conflict.

What do you do?

Salesman. What do you sell?

Computers. Oh, Jesus.

[sighs] Oh, man.

I used to sell ladies' shoes.
That was a great job.
You know why?

Women came in wearing dresses
to try on shoes,

and I'm the guy helping them on
with their shoes.

I don't know if you ladies
do that on purpose,

but... dang.

I mean, all day long, man,
they're sitting there in skirts
going, "Uh...

How does that look?"

[chuckles] "Uh...

That looks great.

Yeah, it's you.

Most definitely you."

"Oh, it's kind of tight."

[chuckles]

"I can stretch it out for you."

So when I was fired
from that job...

I actually had to use
the shoe horn.

All right, I'm hung like
a sea horse. Relax.

Hm... Anybody here travel
because of their job?

- [woman] Uh-huh!
- Oh, yeah. Where are you?

- [woman] Right here.
- [laughs]

I think people pay you
to leave their fucking city,
is that it?

Some kind of schizophrenic
ventriloquist bitch you are.

"Oh, yeah. Over here.
Now I'm over here.

Ah! Ah!"

One thing I hate about my job,
I like it, I travel.

Anybody here travel
on a regular basis?

- [man] Yeah!
- Elmer Dinkley back here.
Great.

What do you do?

It's Friday. We forgot,
till Monday.

- [man] Sales representative.
- Sales representative.

No idea what that is.
I'm so... Yeah,
I'm an amusement engineer. Okay?

Fuck this noise.
What are these fucking careers?

"I'm a rep of the marketing
demographics...
the marketing..."

[snorting, roaring]

"I foreclose on people,
all right? Get out of my face!

I'm a rep who belongs in the
marketing... [mumbling]"

Yeah, right. I like this guy.
"I'm a garbageman." [sniffs]

Simple and to the point.

So you travel a lot.
Do you stay in hotels?

- [man] Yes.
- Can you help me
with something?

- [man] Yes.
- Does "do not disturb" mean
knock immediately in Spanish?

Or, uh...

Or what the fuck
is the problem here?

Do not disturb.

Fairly clear.

Then again, I'm a reader. So...

Put that sign on your door,
within five minutes,
they're there.

"Housekeeping!"
[knocking microphone]

That's not too disturbing,
is it?

"Do you need fresh towels?"

"Yeah, I'm gonna need
to wipe up your blood...

...if you keep knocking
on that fucking door."

That usually gets rid of them
for a couple of minutes.

They'll even walk in with a pass
key, have you ever had that?

Your room, you're in it,
"do not disturb"
on the fucking door.

Housekeeping just
strolls right...

You're sitting there going,
"Hey, hey, hey!"

"I'm here to change the sheets."

"Come back in five minutes.

You're gonna be working overtime
on this crusty pillow case.

I'm young too, you better check
the ceilings, honey."

No, I don't wanna seem shallow.
[clears throat]

But... she started it.

Said "do not disturb."
It didn't say "come in
and catch me jacking off."

If it said that,
she would have never showed.
You know? Life.

What are you gonna do
about living?

Like there's anything
to jack off to in a hotel room.

You ever been
in hotel rooms lately, anybody?

They don't have cable anymore,
they got Spectervision.
You know what that is?

Where you buy the movies?

Thank you.

"Huh? Go back, go back.
Hotels?"

You aren't on some bus
from Tennessee, are you here?
Aren't you?

Wait... "Let me see.
There you go. Thank you."

You buy the movies? Great.

They got movies on there,
it says right there on the
movie card, "adult feature."

It's on after midnight.
Costs $6.35, adult feature.

Movie's called
Sex Kittens.
Adult feature.

On after midnight. $6.35.
Well, guess what?

I'm an adult, I got $6.35,
and I'm up after fucking 12.

Let's see it.

Have you ever seen
one of these?
It's a pornographic movie

but the pornography
is cut out of it! Ahh! [laughs]

Whoo!
There's a frustrating hour.

I don't think the plot
and dialogue alone are enough
to carry these films, ya'll.

I think they should leave them
fucking scenes in.

They got all these weird cuts
where you don't see the woman
at all.

But what do they leave in? Uh!
The guy's hairy ass.

[humming]

[continues humming]

"Housekeeping!"

"Go away!

I'm looking
at a guy's hairy ass!"

[humming]

Where are the sex kittens?

Two guys make these movies,
one guy films his own ass,

the other guy has a wah-wah
pedal and comes up with titles.

These guys are making
a fortune.

"Let's call this one
Stewardesses in Heat."

"Good title, Timmy.
Film my butt."

[imitates wah-wah pedal guitar]

"Let's call this one
Waitress Daisy Chain.
I love it!"

[imitates wah-wah pedal guitar]

"Let's call this one
Bitch Cheerleader.
Great!
Get a close-up!"

[imitates wah-wah pedal guitar]
Where are the fucking girls?

That's not an adult feature,
that's a guy's
hairy bobbing ass!

It's for psychotics!

It's not an adult feature
unless at the end
someone's gooey.

Arcing ropes of jism
hitting chins,
that's an adult feature.

Women licking up semen
like kittens under a cow udder,
that is an adult...

No, no, no.
[imitates wah-wah pedal guitar]
We got a hairy ass.

Shit, I could have looked
at my own ass in the mirror.
What the fuck is this?

I paid six bucks
to see a guy's ass?

Boy, I don't even wanna pay
this bill. I'm jumping out
the fucking window.

"Hey, look at the ass."
[exploding sound]

Hey, it said Sex
Kittens,
not
Hairy Man Ass.

If it had said
Hairy Man Ass,
I would have never bought
the fucking thing,

I swear to you!
I'm not like that.

Bobbing Hairy Man Ass,
no thank you.

I'll watch fucking
Terminator
again.

I'll watch
Predator.

I mean, is it me?

Am I like an open nerve
to you people?
What the fuck?

I don't even wanna
open that Pandora's box,
psycho...

She says, "Wait." [groans]

[groaning]

[groaning]

[snorting, roaring]

Jesus, is there a beast
in the house?

But get this, the other day,
my friend had this hardcore
pornographic magazine, right?

Okay, it was me. But, uh...

The funny thing about these
magazines, how pompous
the pornography industry is.

Right? They're so pompous.

The beginning of the magazine
has a disclaimer that says,

"None of our models--
all of our models

are 17 years and older."

These are models.

Yeah, tell me something,
how is semen being worn
this year?

Is it being worn back
or in bangs
or off the chin?

Uh, these are models.

Yeah, here's Dusty modeling
a 14-inch cock in her ass.

Come on down, Dusty,
and show us how cocks are gonna
be worn this year, honey.

This is big in Europe.

Uh, and here's Dallas
with a penis ensemble.

These are models.

And I'm an amusement engineer.

I don't know, AIDS, man.
You gotta get porno movies
pre-AIDS

to get 'em really nasty.
'Cause with AIDS, they got like
their fingers crossed and shit.

You know?

Cum on the belly,
cum on the ass,
cum on the belly, cum on...

Pre-AIDS, it's just, "Ahh!"
[laughs]

Do I seem shallow to you?
I don't get it.

Ya'll are staring at me
like a dog that's just been
shown a card trick.

"You know, I don't ever recall
hearing a joke with the word
'jism' in it before.

This is a definite first, honey.

Thought I'd take my girl out
and see a nice little comedy
show about McNuggets and shit.

But not jism.
What is this shit?"

Knock-knock. Who's there?
Jism. [cackles]

It's Bill the Bozo.

AIDS, man. I swear, that's...

What other generation had
anything comparable to AIDS?

You know what I mean?
The '50s, rug burn.

Pshht.

Boy, I don't know how much AIDS
scares ya'll,
but I got a theory.

The day they come out
with a cure for AIDS,

guaranteed one shot,
no problem cure

on that day there's gonna
be fucking in the streets, man.

"It's over!

Who are you? Come here.

No, it's over. Yeah.

I fucked your head off, baby.
Goddamn.

That's what's gonna happen,
goddamn, I'm gonna fuck your
head right off."

As soon as they cure AIDS, baby,
you better start running,
goddamn it.

It could happen on the lawn.

Then we're gonna have that
big rubber bonfire out back.

There's gonna be news cameras
on every corner.

"They're fucking everywhere!

This is Dan Rather,
you're not gonna believe
this shit, ya'll.

It is a world orgy.
They've cured AIDS,
and everybody's fucking!

Look at 'em!"

'Course all they're gonna show
on the news is...
[imitates wah-wah pedal guitar]

'Cause apparently,
a man's hairy bobbing ass

is adult entertainment
in our world.

I don't know who started it.

You're a great crowd.
I can either get off now
or do...

Mom and Dad, no, no, no.

- [audience] Yeah!
- No, no, no.

I'd rather do Elmer Dinkley
for two hours straight.

- [man] Do it! No!
- No.

No, no.
I've got material planned.

I didn't say I'd take
fucking requests.

Okay?

I said if you wanted to hear it,
I'd stay.

This is fucking--
I'm not a juke box.

"Shove a quarter up his ass
and tell him to do
Elmer Dinkley again."

[shouting]
I'm in this small town,

and there's a mall, and I called
up Elmer Dinkley's house.

"Hey, we're supposed to get
two plays on a quarter."

What? What the fuck
am I talking about?

This world, man.
Before I go, I gotta tell you
about the world that I see.

It's sad sometimes.
You ever realize that we live
in a world

where good men are murdered
and mediocre hacks thrive?

You ever notice that?
John Kennedy murdered,

Gandhi murdered,

Martin Luther King murdered,

Jesus murdered,

Reagan wounded.

Cancer eight times,
now that fucker still walks.
I mean...

[snorting]

That guy is Jason, man.

You could take off that
hockey mask just once,

you're gonna find,
"Well, I'm back."

People love him. Love him!
Every fact points
that he's a liar,

corporate puppet,
devil cocksucking fascist.

Every fact points to that.

Not one fact to the opposite.

But what happens?
"We love you, Ronnie.

Four more years,
four more years.

Let's put him on Mount Rushmore.
Ha-ha-ha!"

Let's put him
under Mount Rushmore.

They love him!
How far up your ass

does this guy's dick
have to be

before you realize
he's fucking you, man?

People are just, "I like him.
I don't know what it is.

He looks good on TV,
he brought back patriotism.

Goddamn it,
he's a good American.

Hold it,
something's slapping my ass.

Oh, my God,
he's fucking us!"

"Well, Nancy and I feel
that, uh,

man, you might know,
as John Wayne once told me,
that, uh,

man, you might remember
as Jimmy Stewart--"
Shut the fuck up.

Answer a question like a man,
you fucking lying B-actor
dickweed Mr. President, sir.

With all due respect.

Now we got his little incubus
underling,
Georgie Bush, in there.

Boy, when they said anybody
in America could grow up
to be president,

I didn't know what the fuck
that meant till this year.

Anybody.

A body of water.

A dead body.

Who does Shell want in there?

Who does Diet Coke
want as president?
That's what...

Fuck. And Danny Quayle.
You don't see much
of Danny Quayle, do you, boy?

They got that little bootlicker
under wraps.

There's been more sightings
of Elvis.

Man, they got that little Nazi
in a hamper somewhere.

"You won, Dan,
now stay in the fucking box."

"I wanna come out
and buy missiles." [giggles]

"Stay in the box!

We're stretching public belief
factor real thin with you, dude.

But hey,
Three's Company
was on the air ten years.
We'll make it work."

They will make it work, too.
You're already reacting
like that, aren't you?

You're already doing it,
I can see it.

You're already going...

"You know that Danny Quayle?

Goddamn it, he's all right.

So what if he's a military hawk
who avoided service?

You know, he looks just
like Robert Redford."

Remember that bullshit?
"Robert Redford lookalike."

Yeah, well, Robert Redford
doesn't look like a hairless
pink ferret, so...

Little fucking Nazi.

Thank you. I, uh...
I'm sick of this shit, man.
It's ridic--

Our emotions are running wild
and our mind is stopped, man.

The flag burning thing.
Oh, God, did that bring up
some retarded emotions.

"The flag! The flag!
Oh, my God,
they burned the flag!"

They didn't say that.
They said if a guy
burns the flag,

he perhaps doesn't need
to go jail.
For a fucking year.

Pretty harsh on their part,
isn't it?

People going, "Hey, buddy,
let me tell you something.

My daddy died for that flag."

Really?

I bought mine.

You know they sell them at Kmart
and shit, yeah. Three bucks.

"He died in the Korean War
for that flag."

What a coincidence?
Mine was made in Korea.

Didn't die for a fucking flag.
It's a piece of cloth.

He died for what the flag
represents, which is the freedom

to burn the fucking flag.

And as my friend Jimmy Pineapple
would say,

"Case fucking closed."

If you don't wanna burn a flag,
then I'd recommend
you don't burn it.

I love ya'll, you feel that.

Do we?

"Feel like we're being lectured
by some kind of pale demon."

Well, that too.

How many of ya'll think I could
be the Antichrist at this point
in the show?

That's not enough.

I'm not the Antichrist.
It's two sixes and a nine,
ya'll. I'm bluffing.

But I know
who the Antichrist is.

And yes, he's here on Earth.

A lot of people thought
Khomeini, good choice.

A lot of people thought Gaddafi,
Nostradamus,
the purple turban reference.

Oh, they fucking have any clue
what that is.

I don't even know what that is.
I bought that--
I bought that segueway.

Dick Clark.

Ludicrous, isn't it?
Dick Clark, the Antichrist.

Now, wait a minute, though.
Hear me out.

Who's been on TV as long
as you can recall? Dick Clark.

Who has not aged
one fucking day?

Dick Clark.

Who brings us Tiffany,

Wham, Debbie Gibson...

- [man] Rick Astley.
- Rick Astley.

Dick Clark.

Hm...

That is not Dick Clark, ya'll.
That is a Dick Clark rubber mask

with a zipper in the back.

And when he gets off that
TV show, year after year,
week after week,

bringing us these hack,
mediocre, piece of shit acts,

he walks into his office
and he unzips that zipper
and underneath,

there's a cloven-hoofed
horned wolverine.

[snorting, roaring]

There's a knock at the door.

"Housekeeping."

Not this time, kids.

The door opens,
and John Davidson walks in.

[snorting, roaring]

John Davidson drops his pants
in his bikini panties,

and leans his taut, tucked, tan
little Hollywood ass
over a desk.

Anyone not know where
this one's headed?

The wolverine puts
on some mood music.

[static sound]

♪ Lady

♪ You're my knight
in shining armor ♪

Obligingly, Mr. Davidson
parts his buttocks

to reveal a pink,
jasmine-scented anus.

Which pooches open
in anticipation.

♪ And I love you

A butterfly flies out
and circles
the wolverine's head.

♪ Lady

The wolverine mounts him.

[snorting, roaring]

Stop me if you've heard this.

[snorting, roaring]

He explodes a cloud
of silverfish.

Followed by a black
blood-engorged tick,

which crawls out of the
scaly penis of the wolverine

into the bowels
of John Davidson.

John Davidson is now pregnant...
Good night, folks.

...with the children...

[laughs]

Hey, if I'm not gonna leave,
ya'll have to.

- [cheering]
- [laughs]

I'm like a reverse maitre d.
Good night, folks.

[indistinct] right outside, huh?

John Davidson is now pregnant
with the children

of the Prince of Darkness.
That's how it works.

In the offseason,
he becomes swollen and fat.

So fat and swollen, in fact,
that his dimples filled.

[man] No!

Six months, six days
and six hours later,
his bile breaks.

And he shits the brood.

[farting sound]

[farting continues]

[farting continues]

[farting continues]

[farting continues]

Geraldo Rivera...

[audience cheering]

Don't you see?

You were a great crowd.
Before I go, even though
this is a world

where good men are murdered,
men try and help are murdered
and cut down

in the prime of their youth
and hacks and mediocres
and fascists

run everything else,
I'm gonna share with you
a vision that I had.

'Cause I love you.

And you feel it.

You know all that money
we spend on nuclear weapons
and defense every year?

Trillions of dollars, correct?

Instead, instead,
just play with this.

If we spent that money
feeding and clothing the poor
of the world,

and it would pay for it
many times over,

not one human being excluded,

we could, as one race,
explore outer space together

in peace forever.

- [man whistles]
- [imitates gunfire]

[thunder crashing]

[man]
Comedy show.

Satanic and offensive.

Editor, my husband and I

went to Bill Hicks' performance
expecting comedy.

What we got
was far from comedy.

In two hours, we were,
quote-unquote, entertained

by this comedian who delighted
us in his opinions
on how smoking is great,

and non-smokers are expletive.

Drinking and drugs
are lots of fun
and all fine and dandy.

- [laughter]
- The audience was flipped off
by this comedian.

This is comedy?

Then it got worse.

We were given one comedian's
enactment of two young girls

performing oral sex
on each other.

We were shown how former
President Reagan screwed us.

Another vulgar sex imitation.

We were shown how a rock star
should rape a young girl
and how it would hurt her

so badly she would yell
for her mom.

[laughter]

This is comedy?

The comedian told us how he
doesn't like porno,

unless they show...

No, I don't even think the
newspaper can print that one.

Toward the end of the show,
the comedian stated
he wanted us to think

he was the Antichrist.

My point is, we did not know
comedy works dished out
two hours of vulgarity.

The language alone was enough
to make one ill.

I would like to inform anyone
thinking of going
to Bill Hicks' performance

that it is anything but comedy.

[laughter, applause]