Bikini Med School (1994) - full transcript
Zany sex comedy about a bunch of male med school students trying to seduce their female colleagues.
(slow, tense music)
(grand orchestral music)
(soft, tinkling orchestral music)
- [Announcer] Attention, all Quinn University students.
The QUAC student league of dormitory 17
will be conducting an experiment this evening
on recent developments in the field of hydrotherapy.
Pre med students with congenital mammarian abundance
are urged to attend.
Dr. Julian K. Spartanhead and other pillars
of the medical community will be on hand to offer
assistance in the application of the technique,
and a personal demonstration of correlative measures
in the field of penal enlargement will be explored
by noted urologist, Dr. Jennifer P. Fleist.
Interested parties are encouraged to consume
large quantities of beer before attending.
Restroom space may be limited.
Reservations are advised.
(upbeat rock music)
♪ I'll take it fast
♪ I'll take it slow
♪ We'll make it last
♪ And I need to know
♪ If I do for you
♪ What you do for me
♪ Wind me up
- This disc jockey is great.
I love the way he phrases things.
- Yeah.
He's sure got a way with words, huh?
- Oh yeah.
- Whoa.
I would like to have a few way with words with her.
- Eh.
Don't waste your time.
She's only into women.
- How can you tell?
- Oh it's like that old World War II saying, you know.
Loose lips, sink ships.
- Well,
I say,
man the torpedoes.
- Bombs away.
- [Announcer] Dr. Debbie Desolmond.
Please report to oral surgery immediately
for hydrotherapy.
Dr. Debbie Desolmond.
(applause)
♪ No, no, no
♪ When it's right
♪ Can't go wrong
♪ And I knew it all along
♪ From the very start
♪ You had a hold on me
♪ You're so good when you're so bad ♪
♪ You show me better lovin' than I ever had ♪
♪ Can't help myself whenever I'm with you ♪
- You see what I mean?
She's getting off on the contest
just like we are.
- Yeah, but I'll tell you, if the right guy came along, man,
she'd change her tune.
- Oh you're dreamin' pal.
- No way, I am serious.
- You're talkin' apples and oranges here.
Well, and peaches.
- I bet I could her in the sac.
- Man.
Listen, I got a C-spot here that says you will
strike out
by the stroke of midnight.
- Midnight?
- Midnight.
- Alright.
That gives me about an hour and a half.
That's a pretty tall order, even if she was hetero.
- Put your money where your mouth is.
Or I should I say where you wish your mouth was.
- Alright Duncan, we'll see who winds up with a mouth full.
You got a bet.
- Alright.
Midnight.
- Midnight.
- Oh, and just to make things fair,
why don't you pick out any girl here,
and if I don't score by the same time limit,
you don't have to pay me if you lose.
- Alright..
What about Katie?
I hear she's so frigid, she leaves icicles
wherever she sits down.
- Well you know what happens to icicles once you
thaw them out, don't you?
They leave--
- [Both] Big wet spots.
Oh!
♪ What you do for me
♪ Wind me up then take me down
♪ Are my feet still on the ground ♪
♪ I'm in love, love, love
♪ And I'm all shook up
- So.
How's the beer?
- I've had better.
- I'll tell you, I've got a case of Schnocker's up in
my room, I'd be glad to go get you bottle.
- What is that?
Some kind of beer?
- It's the best in the world.
It's from Nepal.
- Nepal, huh?
- Yeah.
You see, the brewmaster is a Tibetan yogi.
He's 110 years old.
This guy makes his beer with the snow
from the top of Mount Everest and oats and barley
grown on the foothills of Kathmandu.
It's incredible beer.
Believe me.
- What was the name?
- Steve.
Steve Kurschner.
- No, I meant what was the name of the beer?
- Schnocker's Himalayan Pilsner.
- I'll have to remember that if I'm ever in Nepal.
♪ You show me better lovin' than I had ♪
♪ Can't help myself
♪ Whenever I'm with you
♪ I'll lay it on the line
♪ I want you all the time
♪ All I do is think of you
♪ Can't get you off my mind
(upbeat rock music)
- So what do you say, Elaine?
You wanna come upstairs and get Scnockered?
- I think I'll help out the national trade deficit
by stinking to American lager this evening.
- Jesus, one lousy beer is not gonna upset
the trade imbalance.
It's like trying to affect the tide by pissing in the ocean.
- It's my body.
I'll piss wherever I want to.
♪ All I do is think of you
♪ Can't get you off my mind
♪ Baby I'm low, low, low
♪ Let me be your only one, baby I'm ♪
♪ Low low low
♪ Let me show how it's done
♪ Low low low
♪ Baby I'm low low low
♪ Low low low
(upbeat rock music)
♪ Low low low
♪ Baby I'm low low low
♪ Low low low
- [Announcer] Thank you Debbie.
Your test results will be coming in the mail.
(applause) (cheering)
- Look Elaine.
Not only have I got Himalayan beer upstairs,
but I've got-- - Listen, Steve.
There's not a snowball's chance in a microwave
that I will ever go to bed with you.
So why don't you conserve all that hot air, okay?
It's depleting the ozone layer.
- [Announcer] Dr. Anita Cox of the gynecology department.
Please scrub up and report to the hydrotherapy
lab immediately.
Dr. Anita Cox to the lab.
(upbeat pop rock music)
♪ Light in, you run around my brain ♪
♪ Go towards the city before I go insane ♪
♪ Now I'm through logical red, golden view ♪
♪ Tie me up and tear me lose
♪ I'm breathe until I'm blue
♪ So now you ask me what I wanna do ♪
♪ Break through the shadows to find out what is true ♪
♪ Let's make it a circuit
♪ An electric circuit
♪ Let's make a circuit
♪ Let's make a circuit
♪ Electric circuit
♪ A circuit
♪ How can I blame you if you run away and hide ♪
♪ We'll get together, take a look inside ♪
♪ Let go, throw me down, pick me up ♪
- So how come you're not in the contest?
- I think contests like these are degrading.
They totally devalue women and reinforce the notion
of being sex objects.
- Well I agree 100%.
- You do?
- Yeah.
Well I think instead of judging people with lingerie and,
you know, bikinis, they should judge people
on their personality and, you know,
all the good deeds they do in life.
You know, helping the environment and world hunger and all.
Why are you looking at me so strange?
- I'm awestruck.
I never knew a man like you could exist.
A man that thinks with his brain instead of his penis?
Wow.
- I am who I am.
- Come here.
(upbeat pop rock music)
♪ No more baggage where we gonna go ♪
♪ Slip into the vortex, goin' with the flow ♪
♪ Transmutation, buyers form a line ♪
♪ Keep me down and beat me up
♪ I'll breathe until I
- Hey four eyes.
You been on any hot dates lately?
- As a matter of fact, I have two different
sex partners right now.
- Two, you're kiddin'?
- Right and Left Tina.
- What are they?
Lithuanian or something?
- No, no, they're both American as apple pie.
♪ Let's make a circuit
♪ How I can blame you if you run away and hide ♪
♪ We'll get together take a look inside ♪
♪ Jump in the looking glass, long way to go ♪
♪ Throw me down, pick me up, I'll breathe until I'm blue ♪
♪ And now I'll tell you what I wanna do ♪
♪ Break through the shadows find out what is true ♪
♪ Let's make a circuit
- Do they know about each other?
- Oh yeah.
They hang out together all the time.
- You ever sleep with the both of them
at the same time?
- Oh yeah, I'm telling you, they're like a couple
of rabbits.
- [Announcer] Thank you Anita.
A very impressive display of medical expertise.
(cheering) (applause)
(upbeat pop rock music)
- I can't stand that disc jockey downstairs.
- Why, what don't you like about him?
- His humor is totally infantile.
His comments are sexist and misogynistic
and every other word out of his mouth
is utterly disgusting.
Bottom lime is,
he's a jerk.
And I think somebody else should get his job.
- Well, honey,
I couldn't agree with your bottom line more.
♪ Let's make a circuit
♪ Electric circuit - Duncan?
- Yeah?
- I think I've found my dream come true.
My prince.
♪ Let's make a circuit
♪ Let's make a circuit
♪ We'll make a circuit
Where have you been all my life?
- Well I've been sitting on a lily pad
waiting for a princess to come by and kiss me.
(upbeat pop rock music)
♪ No more baggage, where are we gonna go ♪
♪ Slip into the vortex, going with the flow ♪
- There you go.
♪ I'll breathe until I go
♪ Let's make a circuit
♪ Electric circuit
- Damn, when do I get to sleep with these two chicks?
- Whenever you want.
Mike, meet Righta, and this is Leftina.
- Oh man, I should have know you were jerking me off.
- Duncan.
- What?
- I had you pegged all wrong when I first met you.
- Yeah?
How'd you have me pegged?
- I thought you were just another typical guy
out for a quick piece of ass.
(upbeat pop rock music)
♪ Let's make a circuit
- [Announcer] Karina Gabler of the proctology department C,
please scrub up thoroughly and report to the
lancing ward for a bipolar hemorrhoidal operation.
Karina Gabler to the lancing ward immediately.
(upbeat rock music)
♪ I feel like I've known you
♪ From somewhere else before
♪ It feels like you touch me
- We don't have to make love tonight.
You know, just being with you is enough.
No, I'm serious.
We don't have to go all the way if you don't want to.
- You really feel that way?
- Yeah.
- Because you do feel that way,
I wanna go all the way with you.
♪ Whoa whoa
♪ Hot love
♪ Each time I turn around
♪ I swear I see you there
♪ I hear your whispers in the night ♪
♪ I feel you're just somewhere
♪ Thought I forget you
♪ But the truth is plain to see ♪
♪ I'm at your mercy, babe
♪ That's what your charge has done to me ♪
♪ Cold hips, warm heart
- Dean Crowley.
What a surprise to see you here tonight.
- You know, I've been fielding a lot of complaints
about these contests you're holding at these parties.
Don't you know that these kind of activities
are politically incorrect these days?
- Aw come on, Dean Crowley, it doesn't hurt anybody.
Besides, it's good exercise for the girls.
(moaning)
- God.
Oh baby.
(moaning)
- Yes, well, there are a lot of other ways
to get exercise than to go parading around with
wet t-shirts.
- Yeah, I know, just ask Righta and Leftina over here.
- Hey.
- Oh.
♪ But the truth is plain to see ♪
♪ I'm at your mercy, babe
♪ That's what your charge has done to me ♪
♪ Cold hips, warm heart
♪ She lights a fire
♪ Whoa you got cold hips, and a warm heart ♪
♪ Whoa child, you got me goin' wild ♪
- You're incredible, Duncan.
The last time I came like that,
I was in the bathtub under the faucet.
(chuckling)
- Thanks.
- When's the last time you made love with somebody?
- Let's see.
To be honest with you, I don't remember.
- Oh, that stupid t-shirt contest should be over soon.
Hey, you wanna go dance?
- I'm not really a good dancer.
- Oh come on.
- No, I'm really not.
- Oh come on.
Come on, it's just like doing the same thing
we were doing in bed except doing vertically.
(chuckling)
♪ Warm heart
♪ She lights a fire
♪ Cold hips, warm heart
♪ I know
- [Announcer] Thank you Karina.
Be advised that the patient in room seven
has requested an addendum to his daily high colonic.
(slow music)
♪ No one's ever had this affect on me ♪
♪ In other situations, I'm as calm as can be ♪
♪ I stay so cool with all your replies ♪
- Look, Elaine.
I'm gonna lay my cards out on the table.
I made a bet with my friend Duncan that I'd get
you in bed despite your alternative sexual preference.
Now he's up there right now in the Tunnel of Love
with some girl Katie on who I made a counter bet.
Elaine, I can't afford to lose the money.
If you could just lie to him
and tell him we had sex, I'd split
the money with you 50/50.
- You and your friend are the lowest scum
to ever crawl out of the primordial ooze.
Get out of my sight before I try to even
the trade deficit by lifting my leg on your shoes.
- Oh, Katie, I tell you what.
I gotta talk to my friend Mike here.
Can I just meet you out on the dance floor in a minute?
- Okay, but don't keep me waiting.
- Oh I won't.
I don't wanna turn into a frog again.
- Can you believe the nerve of those jerks?
Betting on us women like we're some dogs at a race track?
- Mother always told me, all men are scum.
- You should listen to your mother.
- I think I'm in love.
- With who?
- Duncan.
- Honey, I'd hate to piss on your parade,
but there's really something you should know.
- And so I say to her, "Listen honey,
"we don't have to go all the way if you don't want to."
And she goes, "Because you don't want to, I want to."
Oh, it was like taking candy from a baby, I swear.
Oh, and it looks like I'm about to be
100 bucks richer, yeah.
- Will you take an IOU?
- I'll take an IOU.
- Oh Steve, I just wanna thank you for the best lay
I have ever had.
You were so good, I've decided to go back to being bi.
- What?
- You're such a stud.
We did on the back porch in the swing.
We were like Tarzan and Jane.
You animal.
- Oh, and Duncan.
Since you're on the subject of swinging,
I swing both ways.
- Really?
- The three of us are just on our way up
to the Tunnel of Love.
A little femme de ménage à trois.
- Yeah, and we were wondering if your gambling
partner here would like to watch?
Come on.
- Oh, I don't mind if I do.
Yes.
See you there boys.
- [Announcer] Dr. Heada Pinkowitz of the
neurosurgery department, please report
to hydrotherapy room B to tend to a watersports injury.
Dr. Heada Pinkowitz to the hydrotherapy room B.
(upbeat pop music)
- Let me ask you gentlemen something.
How do you think this sort of thing
reflects on the reputation of our esteemed university here?
- I think it's a fun reflection, sir.
- A very fun reflection, if you ask me.
- Oh.
Damn.
This is better than watching a Monday night football game,
- [Steve] I hear you.
- Oh yeah, hey, by the way.
Here's your dope, man.
I gotta hand it to you, I didn't think you
had it in you.
- What can I say?
It's kind of like baseball.
It's all in the delivery.
♪ So I don't wind
♪ Wind me up
♪ Oh you really got me going
♪ The way you tease me with your sexy eyes ♪
- Well I think this sort of thing has to be stopped.
It's still very exploiting.
- Oh come on, Dean Crowley, it's just a bunch
of med students trying to blow off a little extra steam.
- Well, we have the reputation of the university
to think about.
I mean, if they have to blow anything, they should
get a harmonica.
- Would you boys like to join in some fun?
- Yeah, buddy.
- Oh yeah.
- Wait.
- Hold your horses, guys.
Take your clothes off first.
- No problem.
(upbeat pop rock music)
♪ Wind me up
♪ Wind me up
♪ Wind me up
♪ Wind me up
♪ Wind me up
- Here, put these on.
- What for?
- We're a little kinky.
- Well, I'll say.
- You could say we want a little wet t-shirt contest
of our own.
Right girls?
- Yeah. (laughing)
- [Elaine] Woo, yee-haw!
- Make some room.
(laughing)
- [Steve] Coming in.
- Oh, a little male bonding here, huh?
(scoffing)
- These girls really are kinky man.
- You ain't seen nothing yet.
- [Announcer] Thank you Heada for an uplifting display
of surgical skill.
(applause) (cheering)
Attention all medical personnel.
In addition to our regularly scheduled
hydrotherapy session tonight,
we have a last minute entry submitted by students
Elaine Turnball, Raquel Hornsby,
and Katie Peelhoff.
(cheering)
- Nice legs.
Nice butts.
Woo hoo.
You're not a prince, Duncan.
You're not even a frog.
You're a toad.
You're worse than a toad.
You're the wart on a toad's butt before
it's gonna go to the bathroom.
You're the bump on a toad turd
in an over polluted pond.
A toxic waste dump.
- Doesn't sound like you made any brownie points with her.
- Uh, no, I don't think so. - No.
- I'm sorry, Katie.
- [Announcer] Our medical examination board
has declared entry number five to be the winner
of the hydrotherapy competition.
Both these participants will each
be awarded a solid gold rectal thermometer
for their efforts, which is the highest honor
bestowed by the QUAC student league.
(cheering) (applause)
♪ On the dance floor
♪ On the dance floor
- Well I suppose these contests aren't so bad after all.
Well, the accusation that you exploit women
just doesn't hold water at all.
Well, carry on, carry on.
- Hey.
♪ I want her at the appointment, no ♪
♪ Won't be watching the clock
- [Announcer] Attention all Quinn University students.
The QUAC student council of dormitory 17
are conducting a medical research experiment this evening
on the correlation between oral fixation
and anal retentiveness.
All pre med are invited to lend a hand in determining
the outcome of the experimentation.
All participants will be taken on a first come,
first serve basis.
Refreshments will be served following
the lecture by Dr. Hannigan Spelunker.
- Steve, rumor has it you made it with Elaine.
- Yeah, I wish.
You know, a guy would have better luck
trying to break into Fort Knox.
- Man, I bet a guy could get to first base, though.
- You've got to be kidding me, man.
You can't even get into the batter's knox.
I tell you, for a woman, though.
I bet it'd be a whole different story.
♪ There's a rule when I'm gonna see my baby ♪
♪ Nothing gets in my way
- [Announcer] Dr. Debbie Desolmond, please report
to the testing lab for application of topical dressing.
Debbie Desolmond to the testing lab, stat.
(upbeat country pop music)
- You know who I think is cute?
- Who?
- Steve.
- Kurschner?
- [Raquel] Mhm.
I think he's a doll.
- He's also an asshole with a capital A.
- A or no A, he looks like the type
who could do the F word good enough to bring on the big O.
(laughing)
- I'll be right back, Raquel.
I have to go LMNO-pee.
♪ I'm gonna make you Love me
♪ If it's the last thing
(upbeat rock music)
♪ I'm gonna make you love me
♪ If it's the last thing I do
♪ I'm gonna make you love me
(upbeat rock music)
(moaning)
(moaning)
♪ I'm gonna make you love me
♪ Gonna make you love me
♪ Whoa
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Are you new here?
- Yes.
I enrolled late in term.
- Oh.
Do you live in a dorm or off campus?
- Off.
- Nice outfit, where'd you get it?
- Oh.
It's just a little something I picked up recently.
It was on sale.
- [Raquel] Where are my clothes?
- I threw them right down there.
- On the floor?
I can't believe you did that, in this pig sty?
- Raquel, what'd you expect me to do?
Get up in the middle of foreplay and hang them
up in the closet?
- I'm Elaine.
- Hi.
I'm, uh, Michelle.
- Mmm, nice firm handshake.
I like that in a woman.
- Not all women like it you know.
- I know.
It takes a very special woman to appreciate it.
- Very special type of woman.
- Well, they couldn't have just got up and walked away.
They've gotta be in here somewhere.
- Well maybe this room is like the Bermuda Triangle
or something.
- Listen buster, you better start looking for my clothes
or I'm gonna start busting some balls.
- So, what field of medicine are you specializing in?
- Um,
brain surgery?
- Oh, so you like to give a little head, do you?
(laughing)
That's a little med school joke.
- That's very clever.
Funny you should mention it, Elaine.
You've touched upon a topic
I wouldn't mind exploring, shall we say,
a little more in depth?
♪ Oh, yeah yeah
(upbeat rock music)
♪ Now she's a real hot stepper
♪ And she gets what she wants
♪ She really throws it around
♪ She'll fly you around the world ♪
♪ And your feet won't even leave the ground ♪
- Oh Michelle, you got a little hair
on your upper lip.
- Shit.
I do?
- I like that on a woman.
- You do?
I'm so glad you do.
I'll bet I know something else you like.
♪ One look in her eyes
♪ And it's plain to see
- Oh Michelle, I can tell you've done this before.
- I have.
You don't think I'm a slut, do you?
- Oh, no Michelle.
I don't think that at all.
- I'm glad.
I'd hate to get a bad reputation
right off the start at this prestigious medical school.
- Well your little secret's safe with me.
If you don't wanna come out of the closet,
I can understand.
It's your prerogative.
(upbeat rock music)
- Has anyone seen my clothes?
- Did you check lost and found?
- No, but when I find the son of a bitch
who took them, he's gonna end up in the hospital.
- It unravels the moral fabric of the whole student body.
When we were in med school, we would never even
have thought about having any of these disgusting
bikini contests.
- Yes, yes, you're right.
We were too busy.
Smoking pot and having orgies.
- Ooo, Michelle, where did you learn to do that?
- It's just a little something I picked up
in the course of life.
♪ The golden valley, the wind of the night ♪
♪ Will be my guide
Kind of like riding a bicycle.
Once you take off the training wheels,
you can ride for miles.
- Don't be modest, Michelle.
That was more like a 10 speed racer
whipping around the corners in the Grand Prix.
Jesus, girl, when I catch my breath,
I am going to do you.
- Whatever gave you the impression
I was that kind of girl?
Close your eyes honey.
I have a very special surprise for you.
- What is it?
- Something my lat girlfriend gave me as a birthday gift.
- Ooo, I love surprises.
- Keep 'em closed.
- Oh!
Michelle.
I've never done it with a strap on before.
- There's a first time for everything.
- There you are, you thief.
You thie--
- Can't a couple of girls have some privacy?
- Not when one of 'ems a thief.
- Hey wait a minute.
- You prick, you mean that thing was for real?
- You said you liked surprises.
- Here's the C-note, man.
I gotta tell ya, you've got a lot of balls.
- Elaine.
You gotta believe me, I love you.
I really love you.
I just didn't know how to get close to you.
Please, give me another chance.
Maybe we can go on a real date.
A dinner, and a movie.
- You had your dinner.
Time for dessert.
♪ Does it sound like she's crying ♪
♪ Who will be her spirit
♪ Heal her heart, feel the power ♪
♪ Of her wings as she's flying
♪ Breathing life, creation has a right ♪
♪ The miracle in motion will turn to survive ♪
♪ Mother Earth's calling
♪ Talk to her
♪ Walk with her
♪ Mother Earth's calling
♪ Talk to her
♪ Walk with her
(slow pop music)
♪ I walk through the golden valley ♪
♪ The wind of the night will be my guide ♪
(slow pop music)
(applause)
- [Announcer] This just in.
We have a last minute entry from med students
Elaine Turnball and Raquel Hornsby.
(laughing)
- Come on.
I want you to eat.
Eat them now.
- Good dog.
(cheering)
Keep eating, come on doggy.
Oh, good little boy.
Good little boy.
- You see, Nurse Hatcher, they exploit men
in these contests, too.
- Well, I guess they're alright then.
As long as they're equal opportunity exploiters.
- Alright that's enough.
Heel.
Heel.
Come on.
(laughing) (barking)
(applause) (cheering)
- [Announcer] And the panel of interns has declared
entry number four, Mike Jones,
to be the top test subject of the evening.
Mike will be awarded a free vasectomy at the clinic
of his choice.
Keep up the good work, Mike.
- I warned Raquel.
If she keeps letting her IQ be overruled by her G-spot,
she's gonna end up getting f-ed up the A
without any KY.
- I bet you were really good in algebra, huh?
(laughing)
(cheering) (barking)
- Look at the doggy.
(laughing) (barking)
(laughing)
Bad doggy. - Bad doggy!
- Bad doggy.
(laughing)
(barking)
- [Elaine] Good doggy.
- [Raquel] Heel.
(cheering) (applause)
(upbeat rock music)
♪ I thought it was half of them ♪
♪ All across the land
♪ The time has come, the deed is done ♪
♪ We have to take a stand
♪ We pledge allegiance to the cause ♪
♪ And we can all be proud
♪ If you're lighting the stand
♪ Divided we'll fall
♪ Scream it out loud
♪ You gotta reach out and rock somebody ♪
♪ Don't let them stand in your way ♪
♪ Reach out and rock somebody
♪ It's your right
♪ Is that what they say, yeah
♪ Okay
♪ Liberties, the life of thee
♪ The only life I know
♪ But there are those don't agree ♪
♪ With the ways of rock n roll
♪ I'm the gorgeous girl next door ♪
♪ If I could I'd show you more
♪ If wet and wild is what you like ♪
♪ I'll dance for you every day and night ♪
- So, how are the donuts?
- Mmm.
(chuckling)
- I'm Lester, Lester Shake.
- I'm Wendy.
♪ Let's party
- So, Wendy.
What type of medicine are you studying here at QUAC?
- Proctology.
- Really?
- Do you have a problem with that Mr. Shake?
- No, no, not at all.
I bet that's a field that's really wide open.
- Before I become subjected to a rectal litany
from your lips of summer camp cockeye
thinly disguised as high brow anal humor,
let me say this right from the outset,
proctologists are sick and tired of being
the butts of these type of jokes,
and we intend to raise our level of respect
above the lid of the toilet seat
and into the realm of respect that our training deserves.
So let me warn you,
if so much as the slightest turd speck on innuendo,
the slightest sliver of defectatious derision
or malodorous metaphors spews from your lips,
so help me, I will take this cucumber and ram it so far
into the realm where the sun doesn't shine,
you'll think you're experiencing an eclipse of the moon.
- You know, you are definitely the type of person
that likes to cover all aspects of a situation, aren't you?
- Bend over.
- [Announcer] Anita Cox of the gynecology department,
please scrub up and report to the stirrup room
for an adjustable briefing.
Anita Cox to the stirrup room immediately.
Spurs optional.
♪ Let's party
♪ Bikini
♪ Beach party
♪ Let's party
♪ Pleasure, sand, and sun
♪ We're gonna have a lot fun
♪ Won't you come and play with me ♪
♪ I wanna be your fantasy
♪ Come and join the party
♪ Bikini beach party
♪ Come and join the party
♪ Bikini beach party
(upbeat pop music)
- Don't you just love her outfit?
- It's nothing compared to what I've got on.
- Are you in the contest too?
- Contestant number two to be exact.
- Well I can't wait to see what you've got
on underneath that.
- Yeah?
Well why don't you just take me to that
Tunnel of Love you guys keep here,
and I'll give you a preview of the coming attractions.
♪ When I dance to win the prize ♪
♪ Won't you come and play with me ♪
♪ I'm gonna be your fantasy
♪ Let's party
♪ Bikini
♪ Beach party
♪ Let's party
(upbeat pop music)
♪ Two, three, uh
♪ On the dance floor
♪ On the dance floor
♪ On the dance floor
♪ On the dance floor
♪ On the dance floor
♪ I'm not worried about the deadlines ♪
♪ Not gonna lose any sleep
♪ I'm not a fiend or a maniac of some kind ♪
♪ So what if I get a little behind ♪
♪ On the dance floor
(upbeat pop music)
♪ Now here's the break
♪ Warning warning you are too close to the guitar ♪
♪ Please step away from the guitar ♪
(upbeat pop music)
- [Announcer] Thank you Anita, your lab results are 9, 8, 9.
Please report to Dr. Goesinya's office
for a second opinion. (applause)
♪ I don't mind, there's never enough time ♪
♪ So what if I get a little behind ♪
♪ On the dance floor
♪ I don't mind if get a little behind ♪
♪ I'll catch up when I can if I want to ♪
- I wish they'd hurry up up there, geez.
They've been hogging that room for a good 10 minutes now.
- Well not everyone blows their cookies in the first
two minutes like you, Ron.
- Hey, I last longer than that.
- Ron, you're the only guy that I know that can
have sex during commercials and not miss
any of the regular program.
- Oh there you two are.
I'm glad to see you both patched up your differences.
- Well, we still have a few to iron out.
Maybe we can do it during the next commercial.
- He doesn't last over 30 seconds anyway.
- Hm, maybe I picked a bad time.
But Ron, I wanted to ask you a few questions
about your breast fetish.
- Who says I've got a breast fetish?
- Well we were officially broken up at the time.
- Oh Jesus, what else you spreadin' around about me Gina?
That I premature ejaculated?
Did you tell her that too, huh?
- Ron, Gina spoke very highly of your sexual prowess.
- She did?
- Oh yeah.
And she went on and on to say what a dynamo you were
in between the sheets.
- I did?
- You were a bit drunk at the time, honey,
but you know how liquor has a way of squeezing the truth
out of us, doesn't it?
- Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah, of course.
- So what were those questions you wanted to ask me?
- It's about your pre-occupation with women's breasts.
- [Announcer] Wendy Waltzman of the protology department,
please scrub up thoroughly and report to the
examination room for an in depth probe.
Wendy Waltzman to the examination room stat.
Stand advised the panel of interns has stricken
Wendy Waltzman from the list of participants.
Will cliterologist Alisha Loss please report to the lab?
♪ I'm gonna make you love me
♪ So watch out what you do
♪ I'm gonna make you love me
♪ Gonna make you love me
- Hey.
I think the second lingerie contestant's on now.
- Wait, Ron, I have a few questions about your
toilet training.
♪ I'm gonna make you love me
- Oh yes, ride me to the finish, Lester!
(moaning)
(rock music)
- [Announcer] Thank you, Alicia, for stepping in
on last minute notice.
Your test results are 10, 9, 10.
Excellent results, Alicia.
Now you may return to the cliterology lab
to continue your important research.
- So what do you think of Ron?
- He's an infantile, anal retentive, manic depressive
with an inferiority complex stemming from
a suppressed Oedipus complex he's been harboring
ever since his mother improperly toilet trained him.
Besides that, he's okay.
You two aren't gonna get back together, are you?
- I think I'll stick to my vibrator.
- Good choice.
♪ Wind me up
♪ Oh you really got me going
- So what field of medicine did you say you're in?
- Mmm, internal organs, specializing in kidneys
and the spleens.
- Well that was some mighty fine organ work
you were doing on me a few minutes ago Lester.
- Thanks Amanda.
I mean, after all, that's what I'm here for.
- Well, you've been blessed with quite
an extended operating tool there.
For a minute, I thought you were repositioning my spleen.
- I'm sorry.
- That's alright Lester.
I brought this along just in case I had to give
you a taste of your own medicine.
(chuckling)
- [Announcer] Dr. Eva Clitor, please report to ICU.
Your patient is in position for radical invasive surgery.
Eva Clitor, please report to the
intensive care unit immediately.
♪ Wind me up
(upbeat pop rock music)
♪ Wind me up
♪ Ooo you're such a boy
♪ You give me so much joy
♪ Oh so wind me up, wind me up
♪ Like a toy
♪ All day long
- Gina, why aren't you in the lingerie contest?
- I left all my lingerie at Ron's apartment
and I haven't been over there since we broke up.
- No telling what he's using it for now.
God.
♪ And it's just a matter of time ♪
♪ Wind me up
♪ Oh, it's a delicate matter
♪ 'Cause I'm soft to the touch
♪ Oh
♪ Like climbing a ladder
- Are you guys waiting in line for the Tunnel of Love?
- No, we've already been.
♪ You really got me going
♪ The way you tease me with your sexy eyes ♪
♪ All eyes all knowing
♪ And it's just
- Oh, it looks like you're just in time
for the tunnel's grand opening.
- Yeah, we're lucky.
Sometimes the tunnel is very busy
so it's like waiting to get stamps at the post office.
- I didn't know you were full analist.
(pop rock music)
- Walking a little bowlegged there Lester, aren't you?
- Bad case of 'roids.
- Yeah.
I think so.
- Which lingerie contestant's on now?
- Number three.
- Dammit Lester, you see what you've made me do?
Now I've missed my chance at the prize.
- Wendy, I wasn't the one that wanted to make
the Cesar salad.
- Et tu Brute.
♪ Wind me up
♪ Oh, you really get me going
♪ Oh you tease me with your sexy eyes ♪
- Rhonda.
- Sally.
I was just thinking, we could have another go around
at the Tunnel of Love.
- Oh, I'd love to.
But, Armon and I have a previous engagement.
Now I can't stand him up, that would be very poor
bedroom etiquette, don't you think?
- Well,
hm.
I've got an idea.
- Hey, no fair telling secrets.
- Oh, I'm sure Ronda would go for that.
- Go for what?
- A little game.
How about it, love?
What do you say we do a little bit of role reversal
in the bedroom, hm?
- Depends on the role.
(laughing)
(knocking)
Come in.
- Good day Ronda.
I'm Sally Landers, the down under bush doctor.
And this is my head nurse, Armon Deana.
- At your service, Ronda.
We're here to help you.
- What seems to be the problem, dear?
Where do you hurt?
- Right here.
- Oh?
Hm.
Well, let's just see if we can pinpoint the problem.
Oh no.
- What is it bush doctor Sally?
- Oh.
I'm afraid we're going to have to give the patient
a thorough examination.
What do you think, head nurse Armon Deana?
- Yes, absolutely, I think we should rush the patient
to the intensive care right away.
- Undress the patient and prepare for the operation.
- Yes, sir.
I mean, ma'am.
- It's miss to you, head nurse Armon Deana.
- [Armon] Ah yes, kemo Sally.
Oh, I mean, bush doctorness.
Oh forgive me please forgive me.
It was a pure slip in my tongue.
- Your punishment will come later.
- Oh god, there's nothing to mix this with.
- [Woman] Oh, that's why I always bring spud.
- Spud?
- Spud. (buzzing)
Never leave home with out.
- Uh, spud. (laughing)
(buzzing)
- [Announcer] Thank you Eva.
The board of interns has given you a 10, 10, 10.
Perfect showing Eva.
As a top researcher tonight,
you will be awarded a silver plated set of commemorative
Ben Wa balls, which carry the QUAC student body's
seal of approval.
Happy rolling, Eva.
(upbeat rock music)
♪ I'll take it fast, I'll take it slow ♪
♪ We'll make it last
♪ And I need to know if I do for you ♪
♪ What you do for me
♪ Wind me up then take me down
♪ Are my feet still on the ground ♪
♪ I'm in love, love, love
♪ And I'm all shook up
♪ I've never felt so much
♪ Every time we touch
♪ Day or night, or night or day ♪
♪ I can't get enough because I'm long on love ♪
♪ Low low low
♪ Let me be your only one
♪ Baby I'm low, low, low
♪ Let me show you how it's done ♪
♪ I'm long on love
♪ When it's right
♪ Can't go wrong
♪ And I knew it all along
♪ And from the very start
♪ You had a hold on me
♪ You're so good when you're so bad ♪
♪ You show me better loving than I ever had ♪
♪ Can't help myself
♪ Whenever I'm with you
♪ I lay it on the line
♪ I want you all the time
♪ All I do is think of you
♪ Can't you get off my mind and I'm long love ♪
♪ Low low low
♪ Let me be your only one baby I'm low low low ♪
♪ Let me show you how it's done ♪
♪ I'm long on love
(grand orchestral music)
(soft, tinkling orchestral music)
- [Announcer] Attention, all Quinn University students.
The QUAC student league of dormitory 17
will be conducting an experiment this evening
on recent developments in the field of hydrotherapy.
Pre med students with congenital mammarian abundance
are urged to attend.
Dr. Julian K. Spartanhead and other pillars
of the medical community will be on hand to offer
assistance in the application of the technique,
and a personal demonstration of correlative measures
in the field of penal enlargement will be explored
by noted urologist, Dr. Jennifer P. Fleist.
Interested parties are encouraged to consume
large quantities of beer before attending.
Restroom space may be limited.
Reservations are advised.
(upbeat rock music)
♪ I'll take it fast
♪ I'll take it slow
♪ We'll make it last
♪ And I need to know
♪ If I do for you
♪ What you do for me
♪ Wind me up
- This disc jockey is great.
I love the way he phrases things.
- Yeah.
He's sure got a way with words, huh?
- Oh yeah.
- Whoa.
I would like to have a few way with words with her.
- Eh.
Don't waste your time.
She's only into women.
- How can you tell?
- Oh it's like that old World War II saying, you know.
Loose lips, sink ships.
- Well,
I say,
man the torpedoes.
- Bombs away.
- [Announcer] Dr. Debbie Desolmond.
Please report to oral surgery immediately
for hydrotherapy.
Dr. Debbie Desolmond.
(applause)
♪ No, no, no
♪ When it's right
♪ Can't go wrong
♪ And I knew it all along
♪ From the very start
♪ You had a hold on me
♪ You're so good when you're so bad ♪
♪ You show me better lovin' than I ever had ♪
♪ Can't help myself whenever I'm with you ♪
- You see what I mean?
She's getting off on the contest
just like we are.
- Yeah, but I'll tell you, if the right guy came along, man,
she'd change her tune.
- Oh you're dreamin' pal.
- No way, I am serious.
- You're talkin' apples and oranges here.
Well, and peaches.
- I bet I could her in the sac.
- Man.
Listen, I got a C-spot here that says you will
strike out
by the stroke of midnight.
- Midnight?
- Midnight.
- Alright.
That gives me about an hour and a half.
That's a pretty tall order, even if she was hetero.
- Put your money where your mouth is.
Or I should I say where you wish your mouth was.
- Alright Duncan, we'll see who winds up with a mouth full.
You got a bet.
- Alright.
Midnight.
- Midnight.
- Oh, and just to make things fair,
why don't you pick out any girl here,
and if I don't score by the same time limit,
you don't have to pay me if you lose.
- Alright..
What about Katie?
I hear she's so frigid, she leaves icicles
wherever she sits down.
- Well you know what happens to icicles once you
thaw them out, don't you?
They leave--
- [Both] Big wet spots.
Oh!
♪ What you do for me
♪ Wind me up then take me down
♪ Are my feet still on the ground ♪
♪ I'm in love, love, love
♪ And I'm all shook up
- So.
How's the beer?
- I've had better.
- I'll tell you, I've got a case of Schnocker's up in
my room, I'd be glad to go get you bottle.
- What is that?
Some kind of beer?
- It's the best in the world.
It's from Nepal.
- Nepal, huh?
- Yeah.
You see, the brewmaster is a Tibetan yogi.
He's 110 years old.
This guy makes his beer with the snow
from the top of Mount Everest and oats and barley
grown on the foothills of Kathmandu.
It's incredible beer.
Believe me.
- What was the name?
- Steve.
Steve Kurschner.
- No, I meant what was the name of the beer?
- Schnocker's Himalayan Pilsner.
- I'll have to remember that if I'm ever in Nepal.
♪ You show me better lovin' than I had ♪
♪ Can't help myself
♪ Whenever I'm with you
♪ I'll lay it on the line
♪ I want you all the time
♪ All I do is think of you
♪ Can't get you off my mind
(upbeat rock music)
- So what do you say, Elaine?
You wanna come upstairs and get Scnockered?
- I think I'll help out the national trade deficit
by stinking to American lager this evening.
- Jesus, one lousy beer is not gonna upset
the trade imbalance.
It's like trying to affect the tide by pissing in the ocean.
- It's my body.
I'll piss wherever I want to.
♪ All I do is think of you
♪ Can't get you off my mind
♪ Baby I'm low, low, low
♪ Let me be your only one, baby I'm ♪
♪ Low low low
♪ Let me show how it's done
♪ Low low low
♪ Baby I'm low low low
♪ Low low low
(upbeat rock music)
♪ Low low low
♪ Baby I'm low low low
♪ Low low low
- [Announcer] Thank you Debbie.
Your test results will be coming in the mail.
(applause) (cheering)
- Look Elaine.
Not only have I got Himalayan beer upstairs,
but I've got-- - Listen, Steve.
There's not a snowball's chance in a microwave
that I will ever go to bed with you.
So why don't you conserve all that hot air, okay?
It's depleting the ozone layer.
- [Announcer] Dr. Anita Cox of the gynecology department.
Please scrub up and report to the hydrotherapy
lab immediately.
Dr. Anita Cox to the lab.
(upbeat pop rock music)
♪ Light in, you run around my brain ♪
♪ Go towards the city before I go insane ♪
♪ Now I'm through logical red, golden view ♪
♪ Tie me up and tear me lose
♪ I'm breathe until I'm blue
♪ So now you ask me what I wanna do ♪
♪ Break through the shadows to find out what is true ♪
♪ Let's make it a circuit
♪ An electric circuit
♪ Let's make a circuit
♪ Let's make a circuit
♪ Electric circuit
♪ A circuit
♪ How can I blame you if you run away and hide ♪
♪ We'll get together, take a look inside ♪
♪ Let go, throw me down, pick me up ♪
- So how come you're not in the contest?
- I think contests like these are degrading.
They totally devalue women and reinforce the notion
of being sex objects.
- Well I agree 100%.
- You do?
- Yeah.
Well I think instead of judging people with lingerie and,
you know, bikinis, they should judge people
on their personality and, you know,
all the good deeds they do in life.
You know, helping the environment and world hunger and all.
Why are you looking at me so strange?
- I'm awestruck.
I never knew a man like you could exist.
A man that thinks with his brain instead of his penis?
Wow.
- I am who I am.
- Come here.
(upbeat pop rock music)
♪ No more baggage where we gonna go ♪
♪ Slip into the vortex, goin' with the flow ♪
♪ Transmutation, buyers form a line ♪
♪ Keep me down and beat me up
♪ I'll breathe until I
- Hey four eyes.
You been on any hot dates lately?
- As a matter of fact, I have two different
sex partners right now.
- Two, you're kiddin'?
- Right and Left Tina.
- What are they?
Lithuanian or something?
- No, no, they're both American as apple pie.
♪ Let's make a circuit
♪ How I can blame you if you run away and hide ♪
♪ We'll get together take a look inside ♪
♪ Jump in the looking glass, long way to go ♪
♪ Throw me down, pick me up, I'll breathe until I'm blue ♪
♪ And now I'll tell you what I wanna do ♪
♪ Break through the shadows find out what is true ♪
♪ Let's make a circuit
- Do they know about each other?
- Oh yeah.
They hang out together all the time.
- You ever sleep with the both of them
at the same time?
- Oh yeah, I'm telling you, they're like a couple
of rabbits.
- [Announcer] Thank you Anita.
A very impressive display of medical expertise.
(cheering) (applause)
(upbeat pop rock music)
- I can't stand that disc jockey downstairs.
- Why, what don't you like about him?
- His humor is totally infantile.
His comments are sexist and misogynistic
and every other word out of his mouth
is utterly disgusting.
Bottom lime is,
he's a jerk.
And I think somebody else should get his job.
- Well, honey,
I couldn't agree with your bottom line more.
♪ Let's make a circuit
♪ Electric circuit - Duncan?
- Yeah?
- I think I've found my dream come true.
My prince.
♪ Let's make a circuit
♪ Let's make a circuit
♪ We'll make a circuit
Where have you been all my life?
- Well I've been sitting on a lily pad
waiting for a princess to come by and kiss me.
(upbeat pop rock music)
♪ No more baggage, where are we gonna go ♪
♪ Slip into the vortex, going with the flow ♪
- There you go.
♪ I'll breathe until I go
♪ Let's make a circuit
♪ Electric circuit
- Damn, when do I get to sleep with these two chicks?
- Whenever you want.
Mike, meet Righta, and this is Leftina.
- Oh man, I should have know you were jerking me off.
- Duncan.
- What?
- I had you pegged all wrong when I first met you.
- Yeah?
How'd you have me pegged?
- I thought you were just another typical guy
out for a quick piece of ass.
(upbeat pop rock music)
♪ Let's make a circuit
- [Announcer] Karina Gabler of the proctology department C,
please scrub up thoroughly and report to the
lancing ward for a bipolar hemorrhoidal operation.
Karina Gabler to the lancing ward immediately.
(upbeat rock music)
♪ I feel like I've known you
♪ From somewhere else before
♪ It feels like you touch me
- We don't have to make love tonight.
You know, just being with you is enough.
No, I'm serious.
We don't have to go all the way if you don't want to.
- You really feel that way?
- Yeah.
- Because you do feel that way,
I wanna go all the way with you.
♪ Whoa whoa
♪ Hot love
♪ Each time I turn around
♪ I swear I see you there
♪ I hear your whispers in the night ♪
♪ I feel you're just somewhere
♪ Thought I forget you
♪ But the truth is plain to see ♪
♪ I'm at your mercy, babe
♪ That's what your charge has done to me ♪
♪ Cold hips, warm heart
- Dean Crowley.
What a surprise to see you here tonight.
- You know, I've been fielding a lot of complaints
about these contests you're holding at these parties.
Don't you know that these kind of activities
are politically incorrect these days?
- Aw come on, Dean Crowley, it doesn't hurt anybody.
Besides, it's good exercise for the girls.
(moaning)
- God.
Oh baby.
(moaning)
- Yes, well, there are a lot of other ways
to get exercise than to go parading around with
wet t-shirts.
- Yeah, I know, just ask Righta and Leftina over here.
- Hey.
- Oh.
♪ But the truth is plain to see ♪
♪ I'm at your mercy, babe
♪ That's what your charge has done to me ♪
♪ Cold hips, warm heart
♪ She lights a fire
♪ Whoa you got cold hips, and a warm heart ♪
♪ Whoa child, you got me goin' wild ♪
- You're incredible, Duncan.
The last time I came like that,
I was in the bathtub under the faucet.
(chuckling)
- Thanks.
- When's the last time you made love with somebody?
- Let's see.
To be honest with you, I don't remember.
- Oh, that stupid t-shirt contest should be over soon.
Hey, you wanna go dance?
- I'm not really a good dancer.
- Oh come on.
- No, I'm really not.
- Oh come on.
Come on, it's just like doing the same thing
we were doing in bed except doing vertically.
(chuckling)
♪ Warm heart
♪ She lights a fire
♪ Cold hips, warm heart
♪ I know
- [Announcer] Thank you Karina.
Be advised that the patient in room seven
has requested an addendum to his daily high colonic.
(slow music)
♪ No one's ever had this affect on me ♪
♪ In other situations, I'm as calm as can be ♪
♪ I stay so cool with all your replies ♪
- Look, Elaine.
I'm gonna lay my cards out on the table.
I made a bet with my friend Duncan that I'd get
you in bed despite your alternative sexual preference.
Now he's up there right now in the Tunnel of Love
with some girl Katie on who I made a counter bet.
Elaine, I can't afford to lose the money.
If you could just lie to him
and tell him we had sex, I'd split
the money with you 50/50.
- You and your friend are the lowest scum
to ever crawl out of the primordial ooze.
Get out of my sight before I try to even
the trade deficit by lifting my leg on your shoes.
- Oh, Katie, I tell you what.
I gotta talk to my friend Mike here.
Can I just meet you out on the dance floor in a minute?
- Okay, but don't keep me waiting.
- Oh I won't.
I don't wanna turn into a frog again.
- Can you believe the nerve of those jerks?
Betting on us women like we're some dogs at a race track?
- Mother always told me, all men are scum.
- You should listen to your mother.
- I think I'm in love.
- With who?
- Duncan.
- Honey, I'd hate to piss on your parade,
but there's really something you should know.
- And so I say to her, "Listen honey,
"we don't have to go all the way if you don't want to."
And she goes, "Because you don't want to, I want to."
Oh, it was like taking candy from a baby, I swear.
Oh, and it looks like I'm about to be
100 bucks richer, yeah.
- Will you take an IOU?
- I'll take an IOU.
- Oh Steve, I just wanna thank you for the best lay
I have ever had.
You were so good, I've decided to go back to being bi.
- What?
- You're such a stud.
We did on the back porch in the swing.
We were like Tarzan and Jane.
You animal.
- Oh, and Duncan.
Since you're on the subject of swinging,
I swing both ways.
- Really?
- The three of us are just on our way up
to the Tunnel of Love.
A little femme de ménage à trois.
- Yeah, and we were wondering if your gambling
partner here would like to watch?
Come on.
- Oh, I don't mind if I do.
Yes.
See you there boys.
- [Announcer] Dr. Heada Pinkowitz of the
neurosurgery department, please report
to hydrotherapy room B to tend to a watersports injury.
Dr. Heada Pinkowitz to the hydrotherapy room B.
(upbeat pop music)
- Let me ask you gentlemen something.
How do you think this sort of thing
reflects on the reputation of our esteemed university here?
- I think it's a fun reflection, sir.
- A very fun reflection, if you ask me.
- Oh.
Damn.
This is better than watching a Monday night football game,
- [Steve] I hear you.
- Oh yeah, hey, by the way.
Here's your dope, man.
I gotta hand it to you, I didn't think you
had it in you.
- What can I say?
It's kind of like baseball.
It's all in the delivery.
♪ So I don't wind
♪ Wind me up
♪ Oh you really got me going
♪ The way you tease me with your sexy eyes ♪
- Well I think this sort of thing has to be stopped.
It's still very exploiting.
- Oh come on, Dean Crowley, it's just a bunch
of med students trying to blow off a little extra steam.
- Well, we have the reputation of the university
to think about.
I mean, if they have to blow anything, they should
get a harmonica.
- Would you boys like to join in some fun?
- Yeah, buddy.
- Oh yeah.
- Wait.
- Hold your horses, guys.
Take your clothes off first.
- No problem.
(upbeat pop rock music)
♪ Wind me up
♪ Wind me up
♪ Wind me up
♪ Wind me up
♪ Wind me up
- Here, put these on.
- What for?
- We're a little kinky.
- Well, I'll say.
- You could say we want a little wet t-shirt contest
of our own.
Right girls?
- Yeah. (laughing)
- [Elaine] Woo, yee-haw!
- Make some room.
(laughing)
- [Steve] Coming in.
- Oh, a little male bonding here, huh?
(scoffing)
- These girls really are kinky man.
- You ain't seen nothing yet.
- [Announcer] Thank you Heada for an uplifting display
of surgical skill.
(applause) (cheering)
Attention all medical personnel.
In addition to our regularly scheduled
hydrotherapy session tonight,
we have a last minute entry submitted by students
Elaine Turnball, Raquel Hornsby,
and Katie Peelhoff.
(cheering)
- Nice legs.
Nice butts.
Woo hoo.
You're not a prince, Duncan.
You're not even a frog.
You're a toad.
You're worse than a toad.
You're the wart on a toad's butt before
it's gonna go to the bathroom.
You're the bump on a toad turd
in an over polluted pond.
A toxic waste dump.
- Doesn't sound like you made any brownie points with her.
- Uh, no, I don't think so. - No.
- I'm sorry, Katie.
- [Announcer] Our medical examination board
has declared entry number five to be the winner
of the hydrotherapy competition.
Both these participants will each
be awarded a solid gold rectal thermometer
for their efforts, which is the highest honor
bestowed by the QUAC student league.
(cheering) (applause)
♪ On the dance floor
♪ On the dance floor
- Well I suppose these contests aren't so bad after all.
Well, the accusation that you exploit women
just doesn't hold water at all.
Well, carry on, carry on.
- Hey.
♪ I want her at the appointment, no ♪
♪ Won't be watching the clock
- [Announcer] Attention all Quinn University students.
The QUAC student council of dormitory 17
are conducting a medical research experiment this evening
on the correlation between oral fixation
and anal retentiveness.
All pre med are invited to lend a hand in determining
the outcome of the experimentation.
All participants will be taken on a first come,
first serve basis.
Refreshments will be served following
the lecture by Dr. Hannigan Spelunker.
- Steve, rumor has it you made it with Elaine.
- Yeah, I wish.
You know, a guy would have better luck
trying to break into Fort Knox.
- Man, I bet a guy could get to first base, though.
- You've got to be kidding me, man.
You can't even get into the batter's knox.
I tell you, for a woman, though.
I bet it'd be a whole different story.
♪ There's a rule when I'm gonna see my baby ♪
♪ Nothing gets in my way
- [Announcer] Dr. Debbie Desolmond, please report
to the testing lab for application of topical dressing.
Debbie Desolmond to the testing lab, stat.
(upbeat country pop music)
- You know who I think is cute?
- Who?
- Steve.
- Kurschner?
- [Raquel] Mhm.
I think he's a doll.
- He's also an asshole with a capital A.
- A or no A, he looks like the type
who could do the F word good enough to bring on the big O.
(laughing)
- I'll be right back, Raquel.
I have to go LMNO-pee.
♪ I'm gonna make you Love me
♪ If it's the last thing
(upbeat rock music)
♪ I'm gonna make you love me
♪ If it's the last thing I do
♪ I'm gonna make you love me
(upbeat rock music)
(moaning)
(moaning)
♪ I'm gonna make you love me
♪ Gonna make you love me
♪ Whoa
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Are you new here?
- Yes.
I enrolled late in term.
- Oh.
Do you live in a dorm or off campus?
- Off.
- Nice outfit, where'd you get it?
- Oh.
It's just a little something I picked up recently.
It was on sale.
- [Raquel] Where are my clothes?
- I threw them right down there.
- On the floor?
I can't believe you did that, in this pig sty?
- Raquel, what'd you expect me to do?
Get up in the middle of foreplay and hang them
up in the closet?
- I'm Elaine.
- Hi.
I'm, uh, Michelle.
- Mmm, nice firm handshake.
I like that in a woman.
- Not all women like it you know.
- I know.
It takes a very special woman to appreciate it.
- Very special type of woman.
- Well, they couldn't have just got up and walked away.
They've gotta be in here somewhere.
- Well maybe this room is like the Bermuda Triangle
or something.
- Listen buster, you better start looking for my clothes
or I'm gonna start busting some balls.
- So, what field of medicine are you specializing in?
- Um,
brain surgery?
- Oh, so you like to give a little head, do you?
(laughing)
That's a little med school joke.
- That's very clever.
Funny you should mention it, Elaine.
You've touched upon a topic
I wouldn't mind exploring, shall we say,
a little more in depth?
♪ Oh, yeah yeah
(upbeat rock music)
♪ Now she's a real hot stepper
♪ And she gets what she wants
♪ She really throws it around
♪ She'll fly you around the world ♪
♪ And your feet won't even leave the ground ♪
- Oh Michelle, you got a little hair
on your upper lip.
- Shit.
I do?
- I like that on a woman.
- You do?
I'm so glad you do.
I'll bet I know something else you like.
♪ One look in her eyes
♪ And it's plain to see
- Oh Michelle, I can tell you've done this before.
- I have.
You don't think I'm a slut, do you?
- Oh, no Michelle.
I don't think that at all.
- I'm glad.
I'd hate to get a bad reputation
right off the start at this prestigious medical school.
- Well your little secret's safe with me.
If you don't wanna come out of the closet,
I can understand.
It's your prerogative.
(upbeat rock music)
- Has anyone seen my clothes?
- Did you check lost and found?
- No, but when I find the son of a bitch
who took them, he's gonna end up in the hospital.
- It unravels the moral fabric of the whole student body.
When we were in med school, we would never even
have thought about having any of these disgusting
bikini contests.
- Yes, yes, you're right.
We were too busy.
Smoking pot and having orgies.
- Ooo, Michelle, where did you learn to do that?
- It's just a little something I picked up
in the course of life.
♪ The golden valley, the wind of the night ♪
♪ Will be my guide
Kind of like riding a bicycle.
Once you take off the training wheels,
you can ride for miles.
- Don't be modest, Michelle.
That was more like a 10 speed racer
whipping around the corners in the Grand Prix.
Jesus, girl, when I catch my breath,
I am going to do you.
- Whatever gave you the impression
I was that kind of girl?
Close your eyes honey.
I have a very special surprise for you.
- What is it?
- Something my lat girlfriend gave me as a birthday gift.
- Ooo, I love surprises.
- Keep 'em closed.
- Oh!
Michelle.
I've never done it with a strap on before.
- There's a first time for everything.
- There you are, you thief.
You thie--
- Can't a couple of girls have some privacy?
- Not when one of 'ems a thief.
- Hey wait a minute.
- You prick, you mean that thing was for real?
- You said you liked surprises.
- Here's the C-note, man.
I gotta tell ya, you've got a lot of balls.
- Elaine.
You gotta believe me, I love you.
I really love you.
I just didn't know how to get close to you.
Please, give me another chance.
Maybe we can go on a real date.
A dinner, and a movie.
- You had your dinner.
Time for dessert.
♪ Does it sound like she's crying ♪
♪ Who will be her spirit
♪ Heal her heart, feel the power ♪
♪ Of her wings as she's flying
♪ Breathing life, creation has a right ♪
♪ The miracle in motion will turn to survive ♪
♪ Mother Earth's calling
♪ Talk to her
♪ Walk with her
♪ Mother Earth's calling
♪ Talk to her
♪ Walk with her
(slow pop music)
♪ I walk through the golden valley ♪
♪ The wind of the night will be my guide ♪
(slow pop music)
(applause)
- [Announcer] This just in.
We have a last minute entry from med students
Elaine Turnball and Raquel Hornsby.
(laughing)
- Come on.
I want you to eat.
Eat them now.
- Good dog.
(cheering)
Keep eating, come on doggy.
Oh, good little boy.
Good little boy.
- You see, Nurse Hatcher, they exploit men
in these contests, too.
- Well, I guess they're alright then.
As long as they're equal opportunity exploiters.
- Alright that's enough.
Heel.
Heel.
Come on.
(laughing) (barking)
(applause) (cheering)
- [Announcer] And the panel of interns has declared
entry number four, Mike Jones,
to be the top test subject of the evening.
Mike will be awarded a free vasectomy at the clinic
of his choice.
Keep up the good work, Mike.
- I warned Raquel.
If she keeps letting her IQ be overruled by her G-spot,
she's gonna end up getting f-ed up the A
without any KY.
- I bet you were really good in algebra, huh?
(laughing)
(cheering) (barking)
- Look at the doggy.
(laughing) (barking)
(laughing)
Bad doggy. - Bad doggy!
- Bad doggy.
(laughing)
(barking)
- [Elaine] Good doggy.
- [Raquel] Heel.
(cheering) (applause)
(upbeat rock music)
♪ I thought it was half of them ♪
♪ All across the land
♪ The time has come, the deed is done ♪
♪ We have to take a stand
♪ We pledge allegiance to the cause ♪
♪ And we can all be proud
♪ If you're lighting the stand
♪ Divided we'll fall
♪ Scream it out loud
♪ You gotta reach out and rock somebody ♪
♪ Don't let them stand in your way ♪
♪ Reach out and rock somebody
♪ It's your right
♪ Is that what they say, yeah
♪ Okay
♪ Liberties, the life of thee
♪ The only life I know
♪ But there are those don't agree ♪
♪ With the ways of rock n roll
♪ I'm the gorgeous girl next door ♪
♪ If I could I'd show you more
♪ If wet and wild is what you like ♪
♪ I'll dance for you every day and night ♪
- So, how are the donuts?
- Mmm.
(chuckling)
- I'm Lester, Lester Shake.
- I'm Wendy.
♪ Let's party
- So, Wendy.
What type of medicine are you studying here at QUAC?
- Proctology.
- Really?
- Do you have a problem with that Mr. Shake?
- No, no, not at all.
I bet that's a field that's really wide open.
- Before I become subjected to a rectal litany
from your lips of summer camp cockeye
thinly disguised as high brow anal humor,
let me say this right from the outset,
proctologists are sick and tired of being
the butts of these type of jokes,
and we intend to raise our level of respect
above the lid of the toilet seat
and into the realm of respect that our training deserves.
So let me warn you,
if so much as the slightest turd speck on innuendo,
the slightest sliver of defectatious derision
or malodorous metaphors spews from your lips,
so help me, I will take this cucumber and ram it so far
into the realm where the sun doesn't shine,
you'll think you're experiencing an eclipse of the moon.
- You know, you are definitely the type of person
that likes to cover all aspects of a situation, aren't you?
- Bend over.
- [Announcer] Anita Cox of the gynecology department,
please scrub up and report to the stirrup room
for an adjustable briefing.
Anita Cox to the stirrup room immediately.
Spurs optional.
♪ Let's party
♪ Bikini
♪ Beach party
♪ Let's party
♪ Pleasure, sand, and sun
♪ We're gonna have a lot fun
♪ Won't you come and play with me ♪
♪ I wanna be your fantasy
♪ Come and join the party
♪ Bikini beach party
♪ Come and join the party
♪ Bikini beach party
(upbeat pop music)
- Don't you just love her outfit?
- It's nothing compared to what I've got on.
- Are you in the contest too?
- Contestant number two to be exact.
- Well I can't wait to see what you've got
on underneath that.
- Yeah?
Well why don't you just take me to that
Tunnel of Love you guys keep here,
and I'll give you a preview of the coming attractions.
♪ When I dance to win the prize ♪
♪ Won't you come and play with me ♪
♪ I'm gonna be your fantasy
♪ Let's party
♪ Bikini
♪ Beach party
♪ Let's party
(upbeat pop music)
♪ Two, three, uh
♪ On the dance floor
♪ On the dance floor
♪ On the dance floor
♪ On the dance floor
♪ On the dance floor
♪ I'm not worried about the deadlines ♪
♪ Not gonna lose any sleep
♪ I'm not a fiend or a maniac of some kind ♪
♪ So what if I get a little behind ♪
♪ On the dance floor
(upbeat pop music)
♪ Now here's the break
♪ Warning warning you are too close to the guitar ♪
♪ Please step away from the guitar ♪
(upbeat pop music)
- [Announcer] Thank you Anita, your lab results are 9, 8, 9.
Please report to Dr. Goesinya's office
for a second opinion. (applause)
♪ I don't mind, there's never enough time ♪
♪ So what if I get a little behind ♪
♪ On the dance floor
♪ I don't mind if get a little behind ♪
♪ I'll catch up when I can if I want to ♪
- I wish they'd hurry up up there, geez.
They've been hogging that room for a good 10 minutes now.
- Well not everyone blows their cookies in the first
two minutes like you, Ron.
- Hey, I last longer than that.
- Ron, you're the only guy that I know that can
have sex during commercials and not miss
any of the regular program.
- Oh there you two are.
I'm glad to see you both patched up your differences.
- Well, we still have a few to iron out.
Maybe we can do it during the next commercial.
- He doesn't last over 30 seconds anyway.
- Hm, maybe I picked a bad time.
But Ron, I wanted to ask you a few questions
about your breast fetish.
- Who says I've got a breast fetish?
- Well we were officially broken up at the time.
- Oh Jesus, what else you spreadin' around about me Gina?
That I premature ejaculated?
Did you tell her that too, huh?
- Ron, Gina spoke very highly of your sexual prowess.
- She did?
- Oh yeah.
And she went on and on to say what a dynamo you were
in between the sheets.
- I did?
- You were a bit drunk at the time, honey,
but you know how liquor has a way of squeezing the truth
out of us, doesn't it?
- Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah, of course.
- So what were those questions you wanted to ask me?
- It's about your pre-occupation with women's breasts.
- [Announcer] Wendy Waltzman of the protology department,
please scrub up thoroughly and report to the
examination room for an in depth probe.
Wendy Waltzman to the examination room stat.
Stand advised the panel of interns has stricken
Wendy Waltzman from the list of participants.
Will cliterologist Alisha Loss please report to the lab?
♪ I'm gonna make you love me
♪ So watch out what you do
♪ I'm gonna make you love me
♪ Gonna make you love me
- Hey.
I think the second lingerie contestant's on now.
- Wait, Ron, I have a few questions about your
toilet training.
♪ I'm gonna make you love me
- Oh yes, ride me to the finish, Lester!
(moaning)
(rock music)
- [Announcer] Thank you, Alicia, for stepping in
on last minute notice.
Your test results are 10, 9, 10.
Excellent results, Alicia.
Now you may return to the cliterology lab
to continue your important research.
- So what do you think of Ron?
- He's an infantile, anal retentive, manic depressive
with an inferiority complex stemming from
a suppressed Oedipus complex he's been harboring
ever since his mother improperly toilet trained him.
Besides that, he's okay.
You two aren't gonna get back together, are you?
- I think I'll stick to my vibrator.
- Good choice.
♪ Wind me up
♪ Oh you really got me going
- So what field of medicine did you say you're in?
- Mmm, internal organs, specializing in kidneys
and the spleens.
- Well that was some mighty fine organ work
you were doing on me a few minutes ago Lester.
- Thanks Amanda.
I mean, after all, that's what I'm here for.
- Well, you've been blessed with quite
an extended operating tool there.
For a minute, I thought you were repositioning my spleen.
- I'm sorry.
- That's alright Lester.
I brought this along just in case I had to give
you a taste of your own medicine.
(chuckling)
- [Announcer] Dr. Eva Clitor, please report to ICU.
Your patient is in position for radical invasive surgery.
Eva Clitor, please report to the
intensive care unit immediately.
♪ Wind me up
(upbeat pop rock music)
♪ Wind me up
♪ Ooo you're such a boy
♪ You give me so much joy
♪ Oh so wind me up, wind me up
♪ Like a toy
♪ All day long
- Gina, why aren't you in the lingerie contest?
- I left all my lingerie at Ron's apartment
and I haven't been over there since we broke up.
- No telling what he's using it for now.
God.
♪ And it's just a matter of time ♪
♪ Wind me up
♪ Oh, it's a delicate matter
♪ 'Cause I'm soft to the touch
♪ Oh
♪ Like climbing a ladder
- Are you guys waiting in line for the Tunnel of Love?
- No, we've already been.
♪ You really got me going
♪ The way you tease me with your sexy eyes ♪
♪ All eyes all knowing
♪ And it's just
- Oh, it looks like you're just in time
for the tunnel's grand opening.
- Yeah, we're lucky.
Sometimes the tunnel is very busy
so it's like waiting to get stamps at the post office.
- I didn't know you were full analist.
(pop rock music)
- Walking a little bowlegged there Lester, aren't you?
- Bad case of 'roids.
- Yeah.
I think so.
- Which lingerie contestant's on now?
- Number three.
- Dammit Lester, you see what you've made me do?
Now I've missed my chance at the prize.
- Wendy, I wasn't the one that wanted to make
the Cesar salad.
- Et tu Brute.
♪ Wind me up
♪ Oh, you really get me going
♪ Oh you tease me with your sexy eyes ♪
- Rhonda.
- Sally.
I was just thinking, we could have another go around
at the Tunnel of Love.
- Oh, I'd love to.
But, Armon and I have a previous engagement.
Now I can't stand him up, that would be very poor
bedroom etiquette, don't you think?
- Well,
hm.
I've got an idea.
- Hey, no fair telling secrets.
- Oh, I'm sure Ronda would go for that.
- Go for what?
- A little game.
How about it, love?
What do you say we do a little bit of role reversal
in the bedroom, hm?
- Depends on the role.
(laughing)
(knocking)
Come in.
- Good day Ronda.
I'm Sally Landers, the down under bush doctor.
And this is my head nurse, Armon Deana.
- At your service, Ronda.
We're here to help you.
- What seems to be the problem, dear?
Where do you hurt?
- Right here.
- Oh?
Hm.
Well, let's just see if we can pinpoint the problem.
Oh no.
- What is it bush doctor Sally?
- Oh.
I'm afraid we're going to have to give the patient
a thorough examination.
What do you think, head nurse Armon Deana?
- Yes, absolutely, I think we should rush the patient
to the intensive care right away.
- Undress the patient and prepare for the operation.
- Yes, sir.
I mean, ma'am.
- It's miss to you, head nurse Armon Deana.
- [Armon] Ah yes, kemo Sally.
Oh, I mean, bush doctorness.
Oh forgive me please forgive me.
It was a pure slip in my tongue.
- Your punishment will come later.
- Oh god, there's nothing to mix this with.
- [Woman] Oh, that's why I always bring spud.
- Spud?
- Spud. (buzzing)
Never leave home with out.
- Uh, spud. (laughing)
(buzzing)
- [Announcer] Thank you Eva.
The board of interns has given you a 10, 10, 10.
Perfect showing Eva.
As a top researcher tonight,
you will be awarded a silver plated set of commemorative
Ben Wa balls, which carry the QUAC student body's
seal of approval.
Happy rolling, Eva.
(upbeat rock music)
♪ I'll take it fast, I'll take it slow ♪
♪ We'll make it last
♪ And I need to know if I do for you ♪
♪ What you do for me
♪ Wind me up then take me down
♪ Are my feet still on the ground ♪
♪ I'm in love, love, love
♪ And I'm all shook up
♪ I've never felt so much
♪ Every time we touch
♪ Day or night, or night or day ♪
♪ I can't get enough because I'm long on love ♪
♪ Low low low
♪ Let me be your only one
♪ Baby I'm low, low, low
♪ Let me show you how it's done ♪
♪ I'm long on love
♪ When it's right
♪ Can't go wrong
♪ And I knew it all along
♪ And from the very start
♪ You had a hold on me
♪ You're so good when you're so bad ♪
♪ You show me better loving than I ever had ♪
♪ Can't help myself
♪ Whenever I'm with you
♪ I lay it on the line
♪ I want you all the time
♪ All I do is think of you
♪ Can't you get off my mind and I'm long love ♪
♪ Low low low
♪ Let me be your only one baby I'm low low low ♪
♪ Let me show you how it's done ♪
♪ I'm long on love