Bernie (2011) - full transcript

(male voice)
I'm very honored
to introduce

our guest lecturer today.

He graduated from here
about 15 years ago.

He's gone on
to a fabulous career.

I can't think
of a single person
who's more qualified

or more adept
at the final procedures

you've been
studying lately.

Now you've
learned the science,

now's your chance
to learn the art.

Students, Mr. Bernie Tiede.

Thank you, Professor.



Thank you.

It's always an
honor to be
asked back

and I do it gladly
because I feel...

if even one thing I say
or demonstrate today

helps you in any way
as you embark
on your careers,

then everyone
will have benefited.

You, those
who are grieving,

and the deceased.

The nails have to be clipped,

shaped and brought
back to life.

And you must cast
the nails to the person.

You wouldn't
want a mechanic

to have the nails
of a flight attendant.

Would you?



[Blows quickly]

[Machine buzzing]

It is very important
to remove any
unwanted nasal,

ear, or facial hair.

We can never be too vigilant

in the lookout for that
one stray rogue hair.

[Blows]

The eyes are often
a minor problem

because they usually
want to stay open.

It's almost like
they want one last look
at this miraculous world.

But with some Super Glue...

a little dab will do you...

and it's no more peeking.

Even though the features
have been set during
the embalming,

you have
to reassess
and readjust

because of continuing
emaciation and dehydration.

Perfect expression
of the mouth

would be relaxed, natural,
with a little bit
of a smile.

Can't have him looking
unhappy to be there.

And we must always be on guard
for the mischievous lip drift.

Even the slightest
hint of teeth can
be disastrous.

You cannot have grief
tragically become
a comedy.

Then, after a foundation

mixed with massage cream
to prevent dehydration,

even out coloration,

then apply highlights.

Do not over-cosmetize.

Most of those who service
the deceased apply far
too much blush.

Just a note
to always remember:

Too much color
does not make one
look more alive.

The last detail
to be managed

is the deceased's
body position.

Left hand over the right,

over the umbilicus,
in an attitude of ease,

of repose, of retirement.

The position of the head
is oh so important.

Neither star gazing

nor navel gazing,

but perfectly centered,

turned ever so slightly
to the right...

in greeting.

He's now been cosmetized,

he's ready to be dressed,

and casketed.

[Lively music]

(sings with male voice)
♪ Love lifted me! ♪

♪ Love lifted me! ♪

♪ Looove lifted meee! ♪

♪ I was sinking
Deep in sin ♪

♪ Off on the peaceful shore ♪

♪ Buried deeply
Staying within ♪

♪ Sinking to rise no more ♪

♪ But the master
Of the sea ♪

♪ Heard my despairing cry ♪

Bernie was a very
charismatic man.

A loving person.

And he had the ability
to make the world
seem kind.

♪ Love looked at me ♪

♪ When nothing else
Could help ♪

♪ Love lifted me ♪

♪ Love lifted me ♪

Real good with people,
a real people person,

always had his hand out,
ready to shake it,

never met a stranger,
good with names,

good with questions.

He could remember if your
daughter was at Texas,

and your son
was at A&M.

He'd remember that and
he'd ask you questions
about those kids.

Just made you feel real
good about yourself.

♪ When nothing else
could help now ♪

♪ Love lifted me ♪

♪ Souls in danger
Look above ♪

♪ Jesus completely saves ♪

♪ He will lift you
By his love ♪

♪ Out of the angry ways ♪

♪ He's the master of the sea ♪

If the people in Carthage were

to make a list of those people

that they thought
would get to heaven,

I am sure that Bernie
would be right at the
top of the list.

♪ Love lifted me ♪

♪ When nothing
Else could help ♪

♪ Now love lifted me ♪

His personality was,
just, like, magnetic, okay?

So people were drawn
to him all the time.

And because of that,
that personality,

before too long, he was
the most popular man
in Carthage.

♪ Love lifted me
Love lifted me ♪

♪ Looove lifted meee ♪

[background country music]

[Background friendly chatter]

(male voice)
Carthage is in east Texas.

And it's totally different
from the rest of Texas,

which could be
five different
states, actually.

You got your west Texas
out there with a bunch
of flat ranches.

U p north, you got
them Dallas snobs
with their Mercedes,

and then you got Houston,
the carcinogenic coast

all the way up to Louisiana.

Then down south,
San Antonio, uh,

that's where the Tex
meets the Mex.

Like the food.

And then in central Texas,

you got the People's
Republic of Austin

with a bunch of hairy-legged
women and liberal fruitcakes.

Of course, I left out
the panhandle, and a
lot of people do, but...

Carthage... this is
where the south begins.

This is life
behind the pine curtain.

And, and, and
truth be known,
it's a good place.

Carthage has such
a good reputation

that it's listed
in The Best Small Towns
of America, Volume Two

as the best small
town in Texas.

That's right.
Page 157.

Oh, hell, most people live
in Carthage because they
were born here.

Carthage sits on what was once
one of the biggest gas fields
in the world.

Back in the gas
boom of the 40s and 50s,

a lot of people
got rich around here.

(male voice)
Well, as I recall,

we were gonna get a lot
of the older people
in town

leaving for
the sweet hereafter,

and we got a little
backed up in the cold room,

um... frankly, I was
looking for some help.

Bernie must've seen
an ad or something.

He called from
Louisiana and I
hired him over the phone,

not fully knowing
what to expect.

These are
our viewing rooms.

Oh, look at that, you've
got these partitions.

That's so nice.

So, you got your
associate's degree in
Mortuary Science at State?

Yes, sir.

Play any ball over there?

U h, no no, sir.

I wanted
to concentrate
on my studies,

as much as I
loved football
and whatnot.

Now here's
our sanctuary.

It'll seat
one twenty five.

Look at these
green benches.
I love them.

Yeah, we changed those.

We had them normal
brown for so long

and I was a
little worried about
this green. I don't know.

People don't complain.

I... I don't either,
I think they're great.

Oh, I hit the
jackpot with
that guy.

He's the most
qualified young
man I ever met.

He was excellent at removals,

an artist in
the embalming room,

could fix hair
like nobody in
the business.

Waited well
on the families
in the morning parlor,

could sing like a bird.

He ran a funeral
like a professional,

any aspect of
the funeral business:

Eulogizing, scripture reading,

singing... man,
he could do it.

(male voice)
But most of all,

we're gonna remember
Fred as our friend.

Our... really... close... friend.

[Murmuring]

[Soft clear voice]
♪ Amazing grace ♪

♪ How sweet the sound ♪

♪ That saved a wretch ♪

♪ Like me ♪

[singing continues
in background]

I'll walk you
to your car.

You poor thing.

This is so hard.

It's just so hard.

You're very brave.

Here now.

(female voice)
Oh, honey,

he was a magician.

He made all of us
just look beautiful.

I mean, he could make
your wrinkles all just
go away,

and he would,
if, if you had
a overbite,

he'd fix it
so it wouldn't be
so sticky outie.

And he would, um...
take a bouquet of
small white roses

and put it in your hand.

I mean, he
just made everybody
look so beautiful.

Except too bad
you were dead.

It seemed like no matter
what happened to us,

whether it
was car wrecks
or heart attacks

or household poisons,
or guns left locked and
loaded around the house,

or choking on a little
piece of meat,

in the end, he always
made us look good.

Oh, you name the song,
he'd sing it.

If country folks
came in requesting
an old gospel, he'd sing it.

Or trailer trash
came in requesting
Loretta Lynn,

he'd sing that, too.

But as great as Bernie
was at performing a service,

he was even better at sales.

If you pardon my reach,
Mrs. Thompson,

this is a
memory drawer.

It wasn't bullshit,
he really believed

that all those
little touches
were necessary.

He even came
up with this idea:

For 150 extra...

"Oh, that I had
wings like a dove,

I would fly away
and be at rest."

At this moment, as
the casket descends
into the ground,

we now release
a white dove

symbolizing
Mr. Callahan's soul...

passing on
to the next world,

to the mystery
of the great beyond.

[Flat voice]
Yes, I agree,

that is a lot of money
to put down in advance.

But there's a right way
and a wrong way
to approach this.

It was his idea
to put up more
crosses on the wall

and change the lighting,

make it feel
more like a church
or a sacred place,

less like
a business
or an office.

Were you thinking
interment or cremation?

I beg
your pardon?

He means
buried or burned.

Buried. We already
have the plots.

I am so happy for you.

Can I tell you,
I am not fond
of cremations.

I just don't like the idea
of someone spending eternity

in something the size
of a motel ice bucket.

I'd just soon drop
you in a ditch

by the side
of the road.

Hey.

I want to keep
it simple.

Yeah, this is... this is fine.

- I see.
- Yeah.

Now, these composite
wood with cloth we sell
mostly to the county

to bury the unclaimed,
the indigent,

and also no
warranty, of course.

Warranty?

Oh, with
our better caskets,

we, uh, guarantee
that your remains

will be untouched
by rainwater,
pesky insects,

burrowing animals
searching for food...

Also, now tall
are you, Mr. Eccles?

About 6'2".

Oh, dear.

These economy boxes
are not very large.

We may have to make
a leg adjustment
to get a proper fit.

Leg adjustment?

Well, not
necessarily break
the legs but definitely

- bend the feet...
- No! No,

I... I won't have it.

Then may I suggest...

the Corinthian.

♪ Just as I am ♪

♪ Without one ♪

I'm pretty sure the first
time Bernie met Mrs. Nugent

was at the time
of Mr. Nugent's funeral.

♪ Was shared for me ♪

♪ And that thou be come ♪

Her husband, Dwayne,

he was just a tough
old typical
old man.

And he liked to do business
just a handshake,

He would say things like...

I'll guaran-damn-tee yah...

He was some kind
of exploration guy
with a big oil company

and he made a
whole lot of money
back in the 60s.

He was too tight
to spend any of it

but he liked to
invest his money
in everything he could.

♪ To thee who's blood
can cleanse ♪

♪ Each spot o' land ♪

As a matter of fact,
he even bought a bank
here in town.

I believe it was '87,
he bought the bank.

He run that sucker
with a hard fist.

Just, I mean,
he was kinda...

abrupt, and
the way...

I appreciate it.

The way he done
business and stuff.

Of course, then after
he died, well, then
she took over

and she started having
a position that he had

and if it was said
that he was kinda

disliked in the way
he did business,

you'd have to say that
she was literally hated,

'cause that old heifer,

she turned down
loans just for
a hobby.

She was just a mean
old hateful bitch.

Hey. There's just no
other way to put it.

She wasn't friendly.

She... she really wasn't,

and she probably...
there are people
in town, honey,

that woulda shot her
for five dollars, ya know?

I mean, when you live
in a small town,

you've got
to be friendly
and nice to folks.

She would chew your ass
at the drop of a hat.

I mean, she'd rip
you a brand new

three bedroom two bath
double wide asshole.
No problem.

I n the fourteenth chapter
of the book of John,

Jesus said, "Let not
your heart be troubled."

Well, I heard that
she hadn't talked

to her sisters
in over 20 years

but when
the mother died,

she was right in
there fightin' them

over quilts and chairs.

Can you believe that?

And one of the sisters
even wanted to donate
land to the church,

but she interfered

because she didn't want
the church to have it.

She didn't like that pastor.

He wore
Bermuda shorts
on his day off.

(pastor)
Friends and loved ones...

Everybody in town

knew that
Mr. And Mrs. Nugent
weren't exactly friends

with their
son Dwayne Junior
and his family.

He was a doctor
out in Middleton,
almost never came to visit.

One of his daughters
had actually sued
her grandparents

trying to get at
the money in that trust.

That made her so mad
she never spoke to
any of them again.

Let us pray.

Marjorie Nugent.
She was...

not a very nice lady
and her nose was
so high

she'd drown
in a rainstorm.

Mrs. Margy, she was
the kind of person

that I believe
she was born old.

She was just born
with this prune face.

That's pretty
much the impression
people got from her.

I got a buddy
of mine, Louie.

He's a decent fellow
I work for.

Mrs. Nugent took
a broom to his
ass one day.

Would you like me to get up
and do the back in there?

- Get out.
- Ooh.

[Inaudible]

Oh.

- Beautiful service.
- Thank you.

- I'll see you on Sunday.
- Thank you very much.

[Deep sigh]

He was great
with the D-L-O-Ls.

That's what we all called
the "dear little old ladies."

All the widows in town
had crushes on Bernie.

Just thought
I'd bring you a hankie.

Oh, yeah, old Bernie.

He loved to hug and
kiss on those
older women.

At his age now,
they were lucky to get
the time of day from him.

[Deep sigh]

Hi.

Hi, Mrs. Nugent,
I just, uh...

wanted you to know
I was thinking about you.

- These times can be hard.
- Oh, thank you.

Okay.

I never asked him
to do this and

he wasn't getting
paid to do it,

but he would always stop by
and check on the widows

after he'd done
their husbands' funerals.

He just really
cared about them.

I mean, that guy was
just a sweet guy,

and they just
loved him to death.

[Knocking]

Room service.

Hi, I'm just dropping
by again, Mrs. Nugent,

to pay my respects.

I brought you some soaps

and a little bubble bath
to soothe you in the tub,

and some chocolate cupcakes
for a late night snack.

Come in.

Oh!
That... would be
my pleasure.

[Clears throat]

[Slurps]

[Classical music playing]

In high school I wanted
to be an evangelist

to save the souls
of my fellow students.

A lot of them
were starting
to drink and smoke

and ride motorcycles

and have premarital sexual
experiences and all that.

- Oh, yes please!
- Here you go, Bernie.

Thank you, Esmeralda.

When.

Miss Marjorie?

[Sigh]

One time I got
four teenagers

to re-dedicate
their lives to Jesus,

but eventually I realized
I was meant for other
equally important things.

Oh, please, Bernie,

touching all those
cold bloated bodies.
Please!

Don't you think you
were meant to do
something more?

No, no, no, no,
Mrs. Nugent.

It isn't bad at all.

Their souls are
already with the Lord
by the time I'm involved.

It's just my
way to serve

and show respect
for the lives they led

and comfort all
the loved ones

that they
leave behind.

[Deep sigh]
Well.

And some day, if I'm lucky,
many many years from now,

I will give you such
a beautiful funeral...

with all the roses
in East Texas.

I know it'll be the event
of the season in Carthage.

You know, I think
that Bernie was
the one

that got Marjorie
back to church after
her husband died.

(female voice)
Well, I know
the Bible says

Jesus turned
water into wine,

but it didn't say
liquor store wine.

It had to have been
non-alcoholic wine,

because it didn't
have time to ferment.

If Jesus could
walk on the water,

he could make any
kind of wine he
wanted to.

Fermented or not.

Right on the spot.

(male voice)
Morning, ladies.

Sorry to interrupt.

Mrs. Marjorie, it is
so good to have you
with us this morning.

I just want to put
a bug in your ear now.

Many of you know
we're hoping to
start construction

on our new
prayer wing soon.

[Several]
Mmm.

Well, I'm hoping I
can count on a few
of you

to join
the fundraising
committee. Okay?

Think about it, now.
God bless you.

[All singing]
♪ This is my story
This is my song ♪

♪ Praising my savior
All the day long ♪

♪ This is my story
This is my song ♪

♪ Praising my savior
All the day long ♪

[sings alone]
♪ Perfect submission
Perfect delight ♪

♪ Visions of rapture
Now burst on my sight ♪

♪ Angels descending
Bring from above ♪

♪ Echoes of mercy
Whispers of love ♪

♪ This is my story
This is my song ♪

♪ Praising my savior
All the day long ♪

(Mrs. Nugent)
Uh-uh, no,
we'll take my car.

No, I insist.

Don't be silly, Bernie.

Good, I'll see you
Saturday afternoon.

I'm... I'm looking
forward to it, too.

Okay, Mrs. Nugent, bye.

Oh, so sweet.

That was Bernie Tiede, the
assistant funeral director.

He's very sweet
and very nice to me.

Can't think of anyone
who's been that nice
to me in 50 years.

Now, you!

You've got two minutes
to explain these accounts
to me.

Or three minutes from now

I just might get myself
another stockbroker.

I can explain everything,
Miss Marjorie.

It's a very simple
case of them changing
their accounting statements.

They changed
their formatting,
it's re-formatted...

in a different format.

Hey, listen.

I couldn't help but hear
the end of that conversation.

I gotta tell you, Bernie,

you have got to be
about the bravest
man in this town.

She isn't all that mean
like everyone says.

Now you sure
about that?

Well, she doesn't
have anyone, Don.

She's a very
Ionely person.
She needs someone.

I've asked her
to accompany me
this Saturday

to the Van Clyburn
Piano Competition
in Fort Worth.

Well, have fun.

Ain't like she's
the richest widow
in town.

Hell, maybe she'll
even pay for everything.

- Don!
- Hey...

And if she does offer
to pay for everything,

order up a couple
of them bottles
of Dom Perignon.

You get her
liquored up,

[whispering]
You might get lucky.

No, Don!

He sincerely believed that...

it was better to give
than to receive.

Well, Bernie had
a problem with money.

He was generous.
Some folks say
overly generous.

What he was
was a buy-aholic.

And, uh... hell, he'd
walk into a store,

seen something he liked,
he'd buy the store

out of every goddamn
item he wanted

and give the shit away.

And that's crazy.

But that Bernie,
he liked to make
people smile.

He wanted friends.

Acceptance, I guess,
is what you call it.

And Bernie could do
just about anything.

I mean, he
could hang wallpaper
in people's houses,

and I've never seen
any man do this,

but he could make
curtains for people

and he was
the head honcho

for the Chamber of Commerce

Christmas
decorating committee.

That's a big thing
in Carthage, too,
a big thing.

Bernie was really smart.

He helped people do
their tax returns,
you know,

financial counseling...

Anything that you
pay for on the job

that the company,
the oil company

doesn't reimburse you for,
that's a tax deduction.

So, for instance, Toby,
these work coveralls,

did the company
provide you with these?

No, we got
to buy our own.

Bingo. That is
a tax deduction.

And how about
your lunch buckets

and your steel
toe workboots,
they give you those?

- Why, hell no.
- That's what I thought.

- You kidding me?
- U h-uh.

That's tax deduction
number two and three.

(male voice)
Thank you, Sheriff Huckabee.

You're listening to KGAS,
the heartbeat of East Texas.

Now before we
get to the school
cafeteria menu,

and the wedding
anniversaries
for the week,

here's Bernie Tiede
from Leggett Funeral Home.

Thank you, Jerry.

As some of you
are already aware,

Mr. Harvey Gunnolds
left this world
all too soon

this past
Wednesday after a
brief hospital stay.

I used to love having
him on the air.

I mean, every Friday
people would tune in
just to hear Bernie.

And when he
did the obituaries,

it wasn't like a so-and-so
was survived by so-and-so
kind of thing.

It was... let's see
if I can remember...

Left in sorrow
to mourn the passing
of the beloved Mr. Gunnolds

are Mima Gunnolds,
his mother, Georgia...

And the way he would
make them "look good"
in death,

well, he'd make
them sound good, too.

Like Gunnolds was a drunk,

always startin' shit
wherever he went.

He finally got himself
killed in a pool hall.

Now how do you say
something nice about
somebody like that?

Well, to Bernie,
it was, "He was known..."

- for his social
engagements and his...

conversational abilities...

A kid would wrap
his car around a tree

and with Bernie
it was...

- and yet, death slipped
up on young Mr. Shotwell,

as gentle
as a fallen mist.

[Crowd murmuring]

(female voice)
What happened?

[Inaudible dialog]

I regret to inform you

that four of your classmates
have just been killed.

Now this is gonna
happen to you

if you drink and drive.

Is this what you want
to happen to you?

(female voice)
It didn't make no
difference what it was

or who ask it, if it was
good for the community,

Bernie'd give
it all he had.

All the time.

He was very serious
about his commitment
to Carthage.

Life is so beautiful,

every moment a miracle,

and yet in
a blink it's gone.

Too young.
[Inaudible]

[Shouts to crowd]
Too young!

Oh, he really had
a way of bringing
the community together.

Not just at
the funerals
and at the church,

he organized
a "Beautify Carthage" campaign,

and he put on
the very first
East Texas art festival

and invited artists
from all around
the region

to display their works.

[Inaudible]

Are these all...?

I'm sorry to stop you,
are these all done
with that...

the, uh, what's
that called?

It's all chain saw.

How do you do that?

I wake up in the morning
with an idea

and cut away everything
that ain't that idea.

Can I talk to you
at some time?

- Do you have a card?
- Yeah.

Because I have
an idea I would
love to commission.

I don't know if you
work that way, but...

Look at that card, he
put it on a piece
of wood.

- I'm gonna call you.
- Alright.

- You're a gem.
- Thank you.

Thank you.
Okay.

- See you later.
- Bye.

Oh, yeah, Bernie
took her everywhere.

He took her to the
Van Clyburn Competition,

took her up to
the junior college

to see some of
the rehearsals of shows

that he was working on.

Oh, yeah, he always
had Mrs. Nugent.

♪ I've never
Been in love before ♪

♪ Now all at once it's you ♪

♪ It's you forever more ♪

♪ I've never been
In love before ♪

♪ I thought my
Heart was safe ♪

(female voice)
He had come to a production
in a local theater,

and he thought
it could be better

so he volunteered
to help out

and pretty soon
he was the musical
director for one show,

a director in another one,

and an actor
in almost all
of them.

He just had a real
knack for drama.

♪ Please forgive this
Helpless haze I'm in ♪

♪ I've really never been ♪

♪ In love before ♪

♪♪

(girl singing)
♪ I've never been
In love before ♪

♪ Now all
I want to be ♪♪

I saw them at
a restaurant one time.

They was out to lunch together,
and he reached over and kissed
her on the cheek.

But it wasn't a kiss like
you give your momma
or your grandma.

It was more of a romantic,
sexual kiss to me, you know?

He had that graoning sound
in the back of his voice.
It was kinda strange.

It just didn't
look right to me.

The word was
it wasn't a week
after the funeral

Mrs. Nugent gave Bernie
Mr. Nugent's $ 12,000
Rolex watch.

Hell, for that kinda
money, I bet he
did kiss her.

In a small town,
people will always

suspect the worst
of someone.

But they'll also
suspect the best.

So we just thought
they were companions.

Look, it was widely assumed

that Mrs. Nugent
was paying Bernie

to "accompany her" places.

Oh, I'd
estimate they spent

nearly a hundred
thousand a year
on vacations.

They went to Russia,
Acapulco, New York City.

They went to Europe
on the Queen Mary,

always first class,
always some spa,

some resort,
some... sittin' in some

hot spring mineral
peeling water bath.

[Both humming]

[Chuckling]

[Humming playfully]

[Wa-wa-wa-wa]

[Inaudible]

(female voice)
Margy looked
so much better.

You see pictures of
her on these trips
with Bernie.

She had nice hair,
she looked good,

she seemed happy,

and she had Bernie
to thank for that.

Marjorie realized
she had everything
in front of her.

She could do
anything she wanted
in her life,

and she wanted to travel.

[Marjorie, chuckling]

Money was no object

but unfortunately, she
had no friends
or family

that she wanted
to travel with.

Until she met Bernie.

Hey, I'll tell you
one thing for sure.

On that trip to Belize,

they stayed
in the same room.

And you know
damn right well

they saw each other
in their underwear.

And I know for sure

that when she
went to Shreveport,

to get some sexy lingerie
at Doris' lingerie shop,

she got herself
a see through nightgown

that showed
her breasts.

I mean, give
me a break.

What is a
woman her age

wanting to do
showing her boobs?

Seriously.

Disgusting.

Bernie was
a little effeminate.

I mean, an unmarried
man in his late 30s,

going to all the musicals
with a bunch of old
blue-hairs...

Ah! You know, I heard
that he was gay,

but he was such
a good Christian man,

everybody thought,
you know, how
could that be?

That dog don't hunt.
Nah.

There was always talk
about Bernie being

a little light
in the loafers but...

I always thought
he was celibate.

He was a nice-Iooking man
and there were lots
of girls in the community

who would've
loved to have
a date with him,

but he never seemed
to show much interest
in that.

He stayed busy
all the time
and was working.

He had a tendency
to hold on

to another man's hands,
touched too long
after shaking it,

and he had a subscription
to men's fitness magazine.

Now if you've ever
seen Bernie Tedie,
you know darn well

it wasn't
for the workout tips.

And when you
see him around town,

if he wasn't at the church
or at work in the
funeral home,

he would always be where
we these doggone hemmed,
starched shorts.

With his belt line...
above the navel.

And the kicker is
he always wore sandals.

Our Lord and Savior
always wore sandals

and he never married.

And he had 12 disciples

and I don't think
any of them ever married.

And the apostle Paul,
he was a lifelong bachelor.

And you never heard anybody
in the New Testament

say that they was
a bunch of queers.

[Pfft]
No.

No, he had homosexual relations.
I know that for a fact.

This ain't San Francisco,

so around here we got a
lot of "closet homosexuals."

And I know of at least
two men that he had
relationships with

that were heterosexual.

Were.

Now one of the main things
and why I have this job,

and why I feel like
I'm good at it is,

you see, I'm
naturally suspicious.

Sometimes I find myself
waking up in the middle
of the night.

I'll be staring off

out through the backyard
into the woods and I...

I'll be thinking
about all the crime
and mayhem

happening out there,

and that's... that's when
I start putting it
together in my mind.

I stop the criminal.

I wait, I watch,

and I listen.

When the time's just right...

[fftt]
That's when I pounce.

Ain't nothing I enjoy more

than the sound
of a criminal
that's just wriggling

on the end of my
hook, hey, you know,

and folks like to see
the D.A. At work.

But no county
ain't gonna hire a D.A.

Who doesn't know
that this is
a full time job.

All the time.

One thing Danny
Bucks is good at

is getting Danny
Buck re-elected.

And he gets his
little photo ops
in the paper,

busting up the copper rings
or the hub-cap rings,

or the meth labs,
but in slow times,

Danny Buck be out
digging up some shit.

Let me show
y'all something.

You're gonna love this.

I call this
my wheel of misfortune.

Now what I've done is,
I've assigned numbers

to all the suspected
drug dealers around here.

If your number comes up,

number eight, Danny
Buck's come to get
you first.

And not one
of you dope pushers
is gonna get away.

Not one.

The best trick I ever pulled

is the time I arrested
five deadbeat dads

all at the same time.

You see, I was having
trouble finding them.

Actually, what I did
is I used the annual
hands on a hardbody contest

the one at the Dodge
dealership on 79?

People were standing around
for days and days

with their hands
on the pick up truck,

and the last one with
their hand on the
truck wins it.

What I did,
is I got a rig

where they invited
these five dads who
aren't paying child support.

I figured the idea
of a new truck

might get 'em to come
out of hiding.

Did it work?

You bet your butt it did.

[Moaning]

[Shouts]

(officer)
Hey, get him!

[Chuckling]

I think we'd like
to move some out
of financials

and into technologies,
maybe a little
more Apple.

And we'd like to get
a thousand shares
of Tommy Hilfiger.

I got a sneak-a-peek
at the new line for the...

What is this "we'd
like to" part, Bernie?

What do you know
about stocks
and investing?

Let me remind you:
You bury people.

You're a mortician. You're
not an investment advisor.

No one uses the word
"mortician" anymore, Lloyd.

It's "funeral director."

Or in your case
assistant funeral director.

We just thought you were
being a little conservative
with Marjorie's account.

[Beep]

Hello? Lloyd?

He hung up.
Whoa.

No.

[Groan]

Something crawled
up his butt.

[Ringing]

[Beep]
This is Lloyd.

Lloyd! Don't you ever,
ever speak to Bernie
like that again,

or I'll be
moving my account.

I'm sorry, I got
a little frustrated
and I...

Don't be sorry,
just don't do it.

Well.

[Dramatic stage music]

(Mrs. Nugent, off)
I have a son and
four grandchildren

some of whom have
threatened to sue me

and have actually sued me

and none of them
visit or appear
to care about me.

Also my son is a physician

and amply provides
for his family.

For the reasons stated,

I am not including them
as beneficiaries
under my will.

I give, devise
and bequeath
my entire estate,

real, personal and mixed,

onto Bernhardt Tiede
the Second, outright
and simple.

To life.

Oh, thank you, Crystal.

Here you go.

Cheers.

Give pills, give
me my pills, Bernie.

Pardon me?

You know I have
to take my pills
before eating.

You were supposed
to bring them,

so where are they?
Give them to me.

I'm sorry, Marjorie,
there must have been
a little misunderstanding.

I'd be happy to go
to your room and
get them.

Excellent!

Okay.

(male voice)
She put his name
on all her bank accounts,

and then she gave him
a power of attorney,

which meant he could
spend her money any
way he wanted to.

And he did.

[Airplane motor running]

Been on the line
for a while.

Won't let go.

Hello, Marjorie, I...

I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I thought I told you

what I was doing
this morning.

Well, I don't
have my phone on

while I am up there.
You know that.

I'm sure we
won't be late
for lunch,

but I'm on my way.

Okay. Bye-bye.

- This is my life.
- Okay.

[Groan]

Somewhere along the way,

Mrs. Nugent convinced Bernie
to go to part time
at the funeral home

and go working
full-time for her.

She got rid
of all the usual help

and it was just Bernie.

He was her
business manager,
travel companion,

her servant.

[Sigh]

[Deep sigh]

[Door opens]

Bernie! You should've
been here hours ago!

But we still have time.
We'll be there
on time, Marjorie.

I need you to go by
the cleaners and
pick up my dress.

Now I've got
to wear something else.

You fooling around
with those damn planes
all the time, Bernie.

I told you I
was going to be...

Okay, you told me.
What good does that
do me?

Things change
and I needed you here.

And because you never
leave your cell phone
on all the time,

this is a pager.

You're going to wear
it on your person at
all times, correct?

- Correct.
- Go get me a dress.

- Okay.
- Hurry. Hurry.

Hurry, hurry.
Hurry, hurry.

Ugh.

Marjorie, please.

I can understand chewing
each bite of some food

25 times like
chicken fried steak,

but I don't think
you have to chew

your refried beans
that many times.

It doesn't
really make sense.

It's unnecessary
additional work
for your jaws.

Think of your
poor TMJ muscle.

It can't
be good for it.

[Sigh]

It's inefficient.
Think about it.

You this
drives me crazy.
Please stop.

This is like nails
on a chalkboard.

Okay, go ahead,
chew like that,
chew like that all day.

[Deep sigh]
Ah!

Well, Bernie was so nice,

so accommodating,

so willing to keep
from hurting other
people's feelings,

he just couldn't tell
anybody to piss off.

(Mrs. Nugent, distant)
Bernie, I'm still waiting.

Would you rather hear
"Drama in Real Life?"

"Tips for Better
Summer Tomatoes" or...

Tips for Better
Summer Tomatoes.

"The best summer tomatoes...

She was demanding,

condescending,

even conniving.

And she had
intentionally put him
in a dependent position.

She was jealous
of his time,

envious of his
community status,

and... overly generous to him.

So as to make him
stick around.

(Bernie)
So you just show
people around the boat?

All around the boat?

Yeah, I give tours.

And I bartend
in the captain's cabin.

- Oh, you have a lot of jobs.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're a jack
of all trades.

It's good though.
The money's good.

Not bad. And you
get to see
the world, right?

- Yeah, we do.
- That's cool.

- Yeah.
- Marjorie?

This is Kevin
who works here.

Hello, Mrs. Nugent.

Bernie, we're scheduled
to be there now.

- I'm ready. Okay.
- Be still.

Okay. Do you want
me to get this?

- Stop asking questions.
- Okay, you got it.

- Thank you.
- Good, good.

- Let's go.
- Thank you.

- Let's go, let's go, let's go.
- Nice talking to you.

- See you, Bernie.
- Yeah. Okay, bye-bye.

[Inaudible]

(female photographer)
Okay, you want to look
right down the lens

and say "Egypt."

(both)
Egypt.

[Shutter clicks]

[Sigh]

Okay.

Okay, everybody,
let's work on the arrival
of the Wells Fargo Wagon.

This wagon has all
of our instruments
on it

so we're very
excited about it...

[pager buzzing]
U h-oh, hold on.

Grrr. So I want to have
a pulse on each beat,

and I want to have
everybody's eyeline
on the horizon

going like this
and I want some
people to do this

because everyone's
doing this right now.

It's looking a little
too uniform, okay?

One, two, three, four
and oh!

And ho!
That's it.
Okay.

Very good,
relax the pose.

This is only going
to take a second.

If I don't call her,
she will give me
living hell.

Hello, Marjorie,
how are you?

Mm-hm. Can I
bring you anything?

Can it wait till
right after rehearsal?

We got another 40...

Okay, right away.
I'll be there.

Bye-bye.
[Deep sigh]

Can you clean
this up?

I have to go
right away.
Thank you.

[Deep sigh]

(Bernie)
How's it going, Carl?

Old Mrs. Nugent
just fired me.

What happened?

She said I stole
a lawn mower.

Snuck it out
to my place
in Niggertown.

What?

Why does she
think that?

Oh, she saw me
leave with it,

I was taking it
to get it fixed.

Let me talk to
her, okay Carl?

Don't go getting
a new job just yet.

Okay. But I ain't
going back up there.

Not today anyway.

I don't blame you.

I will get to the bottom
of it and I will call
you back. Okay?

So sorry about this.

Alright.

Oh, you just pop
up whenever it's
convenient for you!

Just when you think
it's fine for you,

you come! Well, fine
fine, fine, fine!

What happened with Carl?

I got rid of him!
I caught him
red handed!

God knows what else
he's been stealing
from me, Bernie!

He says he was
gonna get it fixed.

- That's what he says.
- Well, I don't think Carl...

And those flowers
he's supposedly planted,

they were supposed
to bloom two weeks ago.

He's a lazy good fer nothin'.
The man's never done anything!

I don't think
that he would ever
do anything like...

Why are you stickin'
up for his kind?

Marjorie, you're making it
very hard to be your friend.

I'm gonna come back
some other time.

Oh, just go ahead,
desert me.

Just like everybody else,
go ahead, go ahead,
go ahead, go ahead.

Go, go, go!
You hate me!

Marjorie, I am not
going to take part

in this argument.
You know [inaudible].

- I know you hate me!
- No!

Like everybody else!

[Tires screeching]

[Whimpering]

[Click]

Oh.

Basically, it was
like Bernie became
her property.

You'll never leave me.
Never.

He was her sole source
of entertainment,

had to do everything for her.

I truly believe
the guy felt he
was smothered, choked,

unable to get his wind.

I don't know
how the guy
stood it. Well.

Come on, just pull
the damn trigger.

I don't think
I can. It doesn't
feel aimed right.

Look, look,
all I want

is for you to
shoot that armadillo

that is digging
up my garden, okay?

I mean, is that too
much for me to ask,

for you to be a man
for once in your life?

[Shout]

Fine.

Now I'm holding
you responsible

for anything getting
dug up in my garden.

Okay? You go out and
fix those holes yourself.

Dig one
you can fit in.

Let me see.

Did you go
by the cleaners
to pick up my dress?

Yes, earlier.

Did you lysol
my kitchen counters?

Mm-hm.

Did you pick up
the Preparation H
from the pharmacy?

No, but I figured
we'd go by there

on the way to lunch.
Do you still want to
go to Jalapeño Treat?

- I guess.
- Okay, hold still.

Jeez.

Will you be attending

our dress
rehearsal tonight?

No.

[Gunshot]

Marjorie?

Marjorie, are
you okay?

Marjorie, say
something to me.

Marjorie, can
you talk to me?

Marjorie, can you
say something?

Oh no, no,
no, no, no!

Oh, Jesus, no, no,
no, what have I done?

Oh, God!
What have I done?

Please tell me
what to do!

I'll do whatever
you want me to do!

♪ Seventy six trombones
Led the big parade ♪

♪ With a hundred and ten
Cornets close at hand ♪

♪ They were followed by
Rows and rows of the
Finest virtuosos ♪

♪ So is the cream
Of every famous band ♪

♪♪

♪ Seventy six trombones
Hit the counterpoint ♪

♪ While a hundred and ten
Cornets blazed the way ♪

♪ To the rhythm
Of march! March! March! ♪

♪ All the kids began to march ♪

♪ And their marching
Still right today ♪♪

Great job, everyone.

It seemed like
the flags were
a little late,

also I want to make
sure that those
fleahops are right.

Now I got off that time

but I feel like I got off
because one of you
got off.

But it was
a really great job.

Take five,
we're gonna take
it again from the top.

I don't think too many of us

ever asked very many questions

about Mrs. Nugent,
and if we did,

he would always have
a very plausible explanation.

Hello, Billy,
this is Bernie Tiede

calling on behalf
of Mrs. Nugent.

Yes, yes, she missed her
holiday haircut appointment

but she's asked me
to tell you that she
won't be coming back in.

She wants to try
someone else.

Well, I'm sorry
to say this

but she says
that you take too long
and charge too much.

Billy, I'm sorry,
but I'm just
the messenger.

I was rather devastated
at the very idea

that she was not
coming anymore
after 30 years

of being her
friend, hairdresser,

confidante sometimes,

and she just
was gonna vanish.

(male voice)
It was easy
for her to disappear.

Nobody was looking for her.

Not her son,
not her two sisters.

One of them
lived here in Carthage.

They hadn't spoken
in about 10 years.

You want to sign
this for Mrs. Nugent,

our generous benefactor?

Only person
looking for her
was her stockbroker.

[Phone rings]

Oh, God.

Hello?

Bernie?
Bernie!

Wh... where's Marjorie?

I... I... I haven't
spoken to her in
over five weeks,

I've left 11 messages.

She's with me
right now, Lloyd,

and I'm
sorry I couldn't
tell you earlier

but she's had a series
of small strokes.

I've been meaning
to call you and let
you know her situation.

Mm-hm. No, she should
not be attempting to talk. No.

No, you can't talk.
The doctor said...

She's indicating for me
to tell you hi from her.

He sends you
all his best.

[Sighs]
Okay, well,

we'll be in touch
when she's feeling better.

I n the meantime,
let me know

if I can help you
with anything. Okay.

Okay, bye-bye.

Bernie knew better
than touch my accounts.

But he was going after
what would go into her
bank accounts

because that's where
all the royalty checks went.

It's usually 50,000 a month.

Now he really started
being generous.

He paid 5,000 dollars
for the Shreveport orchestra
to come over play the Messiah.

He bought a high
dollar harpsichord
for school.

He paid for the choir
to go to Russia.

Well, yeah, he
hired me back
for more money,

which is fine with me.

Oh, he bought jet skis,

he bought nine cars,

he bought
struggling businesses,

he paid 40,000 dollars
for Carthage Awards.

That's a trophy shop.

He loaned the money
to the Yokums over here,

that opened up
Boot Scootin
Western Wear.

I guess that was
Carthage's answer
to Neiman's.

Bernie just told everybody
to pay him back when
they could.

You know,
pay me when you can.

But they never did.

Bernie knew my twin girls'
birthday was coming up,

and he thought
they should have

a big nice
playhouse, you know?

Little girls.

Bernie bought this
playhouse for my girls.

Oh.
[Chuckling]

Thank you.

I just feel like I need to say,
Bernie Tiede, God bless
you, son.

You've done more to transform
the town of Carthage
than anyone else.

- Oh, thank you.
- God bless you, Bernie.

Bernie could've bought a
mansion for himself
with the money.

But he kept
that little house

worth, maybe, 50,000.

Now he bought cars
for folks that needed it.

And he paid cash for those.

But that old Lincoln
he was drivin'?

He had it financed.

And he was
usually behind
on his payments.

No, there really
wasn't any greed
in him.

Almost everything he
got from Mrs. Nugent,

he gave to somebody else.

Lloyd seems to be
pretty concerned.

He thinks the family
should get involved.

Oh, good lord,
you gotta be
kidding me.

I don't know why
Lloyd is so paranoid.

It's like I told him.

She's at the Scott White
Nursing Home in Temple.

She didn't want
everyone to know,

'cause she's afraid
the family would
come in

and try to take
over her affairs.

That sounds
just like Marjorie.

Mm-hm. That's
Marjorie alright.

- Mm-hm.
- One hundred percent.

You know, Bernie,
she's my sister,

and I guess that
I should love her.

But she's just mean.

She's just hard down mean.

Mm. Well, there's some
goodness in there, too.

She used to tear
up my toys,

she pulled the heads
off my dolls,

she used to tear up
my homework.

And next up
is Mrs. Ida Parker.

Ida says she does not
like knitting, crocheting,

gardening, cooking
fancy food,

excessive housework,
or artsy hobbies.

She's planning on doing
these things when she
gets old.

[Audience laughs]

♪ Beautiful dreamer ♪

♪ Queen of my song ♪

♪ List while I woo thee ♪

♪ With soft melody ♪

♪ Gone are the cares of ♪

♪ Life's busy throng ♪

♪ Beautiful dreamer ♪

♪ Awake to my song ♪

♪ Beautiful dreamer ♪

♪ Awake unto me ♪

♪♪

♪ Beautiful dreamer ♪

♪ Awaken to me ♪

♪♪

[audience claps]

Thank you.

So you saw Mrs. Nugent
in April of this year?

You know, I believe
it was April.

With your own eyes?

Well, you know,
I didn't actually... see
her that day, I...

I came to her house
to get her to sign
some documents.

Bernie comes to the door,
says she's feeling poorly.

Just then, he takes
the documents back
and she signs them.

I go on
about my business.

Okay. It
confirms a pattern.

I appreciate it.

Well, it sounds like
Lloyd Hornbuckle

called Wayne Junior
up in Amarillo,

and got him
all riled up.

Oh, boy.

You know, I think
Lloyd's just upset

because he's
losing commissions
during her illness.

He can't move
Mrs. Nugent's
money around

and keep taking
his commissions the
way he's used to, so...

It may be so, but
Dwayne Junior says
his money

comes in every year
for his kids from
his dad's will.

It hadn't come
in this year.

And it won't
until Mrs. Nugent's
in better condition

to take care of such things.

The poor lady's
in the hospital

having suffered
a major stroke.

She simply doesn't
want to be disturbed.

Tell everyone
for heaven's sake,

to please have
a little more patience.

Well, that's
fine with me.

I don't want her
disturbing me,

if you wanna
know the truth.

I'm sorry you had
to get wrapped up
in all this.

Oh, forget about it,
Lloyd Hornbuckle's
just a busybody.

- I'll see you later, Bernie.
- Thank you, Sheriff.

[Cell ringing]

Hello.

(LIoyd)
You are living
in a wold of guilt.

All the police have to do
is find one shred
of evidence

and it's off
to hell you go.

Lloyd, is that you?

Lloyd? Hello...

[sigh]

Bernie, are
you okay?

Hm? Yeah,
I just, uh...

[deep sigh]

Can I ask
you something?

Of course.

It's so strange.

Do you believe
a person could
be capable of...

an action...

and yet to them
it feels like

it's not even
them doing it.

Almost like
Jekyll and Hyde?

Bernie, stop worrying,
it's okay.

Someone's personal
proclivities are
nobody's else's business.

We all love you like
you are, Bernie,
no matter what.

♪ Shackled by a heavy burden ♪

♪ B'neath the load
Of guilt and shame ♪

♪ Then the hand
Of Jesus touched me ♪

♪ And now I am
No longer the same ♪

♪ He touched me,
Oh he touched me ♪

- God bless you, Bernie.
- God bless you, Mr. Brown.

- That was beautiful.
- Thank you.

- You have a blessed weekend.
- God bless you too.

Thank you.

As always, Bernie,
I love the songs.

- Thank you.
- My sympathies.

Thank you, Mari Belle,
it's always great to
see you.

I'm so sorry
Marjorie didn't hear that,

I hear she's doing better.

Yes, some days
it seems she's starting
to feel better but, um...

I'm still afraid...

I'm gonna lose
her soon.

[Cooing sounds]

(Lloyd, off)
Finally.

Nine months
since I had last laid
eyes on Mrs. Nugent,

we got
into her house.

Grandma?

Mrs. Nugent?

Grandma?

Nothing.

Hm.

(LIoyd)
There's nothing.

Why would she tape
her freezer shut?

Oh, my God.

[Shouting]
Sheriff!

[Excited chatter]

(lady reporter)
Sir, I'm a reporter
for KCMchannel.

Ma'am, hold on.

Would you care
to make a statement
about what's going on?

- Sheriff?
- Hey, Danny.

- I n the freezer?
- Yeah.

All in one piece
or chopped up?

- All in one piece.
- Holy shit.

Frozen like
a Popsicle.

[Weeping]

Be careful.

[Groaning]

[Soft chatter]

Alright, get rolling,

straight to Dallas,
no stopping for coffee.

- Alright.
- No sir, we ain't stoppin'.

(Danny)
We had loaded up the freezer
with its contents intact

for transport to the Dallas
Medical Examiner's office

where the forensic
experts over there

are gonna study it.

At this time, are
there any suspects
in the murder?

Oh, there's one man
in particular I
can think of

I sure would
like to talk to.

Hey, Sheriff, did
you actually find
him yet?

We're still
looking for him.

He wasn't
at Carthage aviation,

Carthage Awards
or his house.

Alright, look...

we're gonna throw
a net over the entire
tri-county area

to find our number
one suspect.

We might be dealing
with a madman here,

a bonafide deranged killer.

Achieving goals,
mastering skills,

the opponent
isn't the other team,

it's really just yourself.

And if you've worked hard,

and done the absolute
best that you can,

then no matter what
the scoreboard says,

you are the winner
in the game of life.

You can hold
your head high...

Mr. Tiede, may
we have a word
with you?

Of course.
Right now?

Sure.

I'm gonna go talk
to the police.

Gentlemen, you have
earned yourself...

a great dessert.
Go, Rattlers.

I'm so proud of you.
[Clears throat]

This way.

(male voice)
How long you been thinking
about killing her, Bernie?

I never thought of me
killing Mrs. Nugent.

I'd... I guess I
fantasized about
her death,

but I was never
the one responsible for it.

She always died
accidentally like...

in a car accident or falling
down the escalator at the
mall in Longview.

I was always the one
weeping by her
open casket.

Comforting others,
being comforted myself.

Why'd you want
her dead, Bernie?

Mm, she had become so mean
and possessive of me.

I... I couldn't face being
around her any longer.

And then it just... happened.

I don't know.
I shot her!

I shot poor
Mrs. Nugent four times.

With the armadillo gun.

Then what?

Well, then the Lord
called her Home.

I know I done wrong
and I must atone
for my sins. Oh!

[Ioud sobs]

Elizabeth, I just heard
Bernie killed your
sister Margy.

Oh, honey, no.

Marjorie's in a nursing
home over in Timble.

No, no, she is
in a deep freeze
going to Dallas.

Nobody in a million years

could've imagined that
that could've happened.

Shock! I could not
believe Bernie did this.

No way.

Well, it was
fucking unbelievable.
Nobody could believe it.

You know, I could see
somebody wantin'
to do that to her,

but Bernie Tiede's
the last person I woulda
thought done it.

I mean, we were just shocked,
just shocked. Just disbelief.

The Bernie I knew
was somewhat of a sissy.

And it just ain't no way

I can see him
ever killing anybody.

I thought they'd
made a mistake.

You got this sweet guy,
you got Bernie,

who's just the
nicest fella
I'd ever met,

and I've known him
for a little while,

and then you
got... Mrs. Nugent

who is not nice,

not nice to a
large degree, just evil.

So you got this sweetness
and you got this evil,

and they're kinda battlin'
each other, uh...

and you know that something
at some point's gotta give,

something's gotta break

and she was justs
more evil than he
was nice, I guess,

and he just exploded.

We're all capable
of that dark moment.

If we ever get
angry enough.

He must've wanted
to get caught.

All he had to do
was put her body

in one of his airplanes,

fly her out over the Gulf
and push her right out.

No body,
no arrest.

A woman like that
with a bad heart...

he shoulda just shoved
the pillow right
over her face.

Then they probably wouldn't
even done an autopsy.

A few days later,
he'd be doing
her funeral.

Oh, I just started
shaking my head

going, "Oh Bernie,
Bernie, Bernie, Bernie."

Who in their right mind
would kill their meal ticket?

It was crazy
around here.

People were on Danny Buck
like ticks on a coon dog.

Yeah, Danny Buck,
you know Bernie
didn't know

anything about
shooting a rifle.

He didn't go huntin',

he wouldn't
know a deer blind
from an outhouse.

That he wouldn't.

There are not enough
nice men in this town.

Leave poor
Bernie alone,
Danny Buck.

We don't even
think he did it.

He confessed.

Danny Buck,

you knew Mrs. Nugent
as well as any
of us did.

Did you ever
stop to think

maybe, just maybe

Bernie did it
in self defense.

Self defense.

Maybe it was a
forced confession.

They could've
beat it out of him.

He's too sweet to stand
up under interrogation.

Look, there was
no interrogation.

He walked in,
sat down and
told us everything.

Simple as that.

Well, hell.

Even if he
did do it,

she was so mean
and ornery,

she had it
coming to her.

It's not as bad as
people say it is.

He only shot her
four times,
not five.

You know what?

You people are
as crazy as a coot.

I like Bernie Tiede
as much as you do.

He did shoot
her though!

I tell you what.

I don't claim
to know what
Bernie did

or did not do.

I figure that's
between him and
God Almighty.

Mm-hm. And the
way I figure it,

that's where it
should stay.

Man, I hope
I'm on that jury.

Yes, we need to be able
to forgive someone who's
done something wrong.

And no matter what
the truth is,

Bernie is going
to need our prayers.

So, folks, we
need to understand

that tragedies
are simply tests
of our faith.

And right now,
Bernie needs to know,

especially during this
testing of his faith,

that God
and this congregation

have not
abandoned him.

[Buck clears throat]

(pastor)
Good to see you,
thanks for coming.

Good to see you.

God bless you
for everything.

Reverend. Now listen,

I understand you
going all New Testament
on him but uh...

you got to at least
take him off the prayer list.

Hey, I gotta stay
neutral, everybody
needs a preacher.

Neutral?

Reverend, basically
you were supporting
a criminal act.

You know, all I hear
is poor Bernie.

Nobody's talking
about poor Marjorie.

Hell, everyone seems
to be forgetting

that there's a lady,
a member of this congregation,

shot in the back
four times

and put in the freezer.

Danny, the Bernie
you're talking about

is not the Bernie
this church knows.

The heck it isn't.

It sounds like
the only Bernie you're
choosing to remember

is the one that
donated 100,000 dollars
to your church. Reverend.

Danny, look,
I'm sorry you
feel that...

It's been hard
on everyone.

Alright, kiddos.

All the good
that Bernie had done
for everybody,

or for us around here,
it just...

they come in,
and then it was
gonna get all

Mrs. Nugent's money
back that Bernie
had spent.

We lost our airport,

we lost our best store,

cars, some people
lost their houses,

jet skis.

He spent 600,000 dollars
of Mrs. Nugent's money.

No paperwork, anything?

A receipt [inaudible]?

I don't know,
I mean...

he just gave it to me,
said I could have it.

Well, you know, at least
they could've left

some money for the church.

Hell, [unintelligible].

(female voice)
Here they come!

[Cheering]

(female reporter, off)
Although rumors have
been circulating

about a possible
plea bargain

to lesser charges
or a probated sentence,

District Attorney
Danny Buck Davidson

has shocked East Texas

by filing first degree
murder charges
against Tiede,

which could result
in a life sentence.

[Shouting]

Clearly, the tiny
town of Carthage
is buzzing

with opinions
over the murder.

He didn't shoot
Mrs. Nugent in
the back.

He didn't do it.

Bernhardt Tiede
ain't no monster.

Ain't no jury
gonna convict Bernie
of first degree murder.

In fact, I don't know

if a jury's gonna
convict him
of anything

and I'll say
this, if a jury
as to convict him,

they'll probably gonna
give him probation.

They ain't
gonna send him
to the penitentiary.

I n the meantime,
Bernie sits in
the county jail

where he's reportedly
already become

a popular inmate

leading a Bible
study group

and cooking meals
for the staff.

(Bernie)
Now, we are going
to line the bottom

of the pie dish
with cheese

to provide a barrier
between the liquid
and the crust.

Now a lot of people
use grated cheese,

but I found that if
you cut it in little
quarter inch cubes,

it does a better
job of keeping the
crust from getting soggy.

Now, we are going to
sauté the broccoli
lightly in olive oil

till it's just
bright green.

That keeps
the flavor in.

If you put it in raw,
it's completely flavorless.

I'm not saying we want
the case totally dropped,

but isn't there some
way to keep Bernie from
getting punished too much?

That's $ 14.74.

So let me ask you
something, Mrs. Beck.

If someone came along
and shot you in the
back four times,

would you still be fine
with me not letting them
get punished too much?

If I'm on that
jury, Danny Buck,

I'm votin'
to acquit.

As far as convicting Bernie,

I feed you straight.
I mean, even with the
confession in my pocket,

I was a bit trepidacious.

I mean, it's like he
cast a spell over
the entire area.

All the little old ladies,

Methodist church people,

anybody he'd ever
given anything to.

With Mrs. Nugent's money.

All the closet homosexuals.
Everybody.

Everybody thought he
was gonna get off.

But I had one
card left to play.

And I went all in.

Trials are generally moved
when the judge determines

that the defendant can't get
a fair trial locally.

And that's usually
because the crime is so
egregious and so well known

that everybody
in the community
has already convicted

the poor son
of a bitch accused of it.

But in all
the years I've been
doing this for a living,

I have never heard
of the state

seeking a change
of venue

because the defendant
was so well liked

that they couldn't
get a conviction.

So when I heard that
the judge had actually
agreed to move the trial,

giving in to Danny Buck's
harebrained request,

my first thought
was, "Oh, shit.

Our donkey's in a ditch."

♪♪

Bring in the freezer.

Let the jury be able to see

where Mrs. Nugent spent
the first nine months
of her afterlife.

A poor excuse for a casket.

Boys, make sure
it opens up
to the jury.

There's some wild shit
on both sides
of the courtroom.

But, you know,
this was the big stage

the big town,
the big show they'd
been waiting for

and they pulled
out all the stops.

They wheeled in
the actual deep freeze.

Mm-hm.

They projected pictures
of frozen dead
Mrs. Nugent.

And then they started
bringing out the crying
weeping relatives.

And then I went
to the freezer.

And I saw

underneath her corn
and her steak and...

her pot pies was...

the top of her head.

It was so horrible.

No further questions,
Your Honor.

When was the last
time you talked
to your grandmother?

U m, I don't remember.

Isn't it true that
you and your brother

sued your grandmother
almost four years ago?

We were advised
to by a lawyer.

A lawyer?

You mean, just some
old boy come in off
the street?

Or are we talking
about your lawyer?

I guess he was
working for us.

I'll say he was
working for you.

He was trying to get
your grandmother's
money, wasn't he?

Did you ever speak
to her after that?

I don't think so.

Oh, you don't
think so.

Well, you know
you didn't.

But you told us earlier
that you were real close
to your grandmother.

Now was that the same
woman you were suing
for money?

Is that the same woman

that you have
not spoken to
in four years?

I felt in our hearts
we were still close.

[Scoffs]

I knew he
was in trouble

when I saw
that jury.

And Bernie was just gonna
have to get up there and
explain himself

to a bunch of Saint Augustine
cousin-countin' rednecks
over there.

I mean, they got more
tattoos than teeth

and there ain't
no brain in the
whole dozen of 'em,

and they're supposed
to decide

big things like this?

I mean, shoot,
I wouldn't let 'em
work on my car.

Now, Bernie,

after you
were arrested you gave
a confession, correct?

Yes, sir.

How did you feel
about Marjorie Nugent?

I cared for Marjorie deeply.

I loved her very much.

And I've sent letters
from jail to her family

asking their forgiveness
for ruining Margy's life

and the pain
I've caused.

Well, if you
cared for her,

even loved her,

why do you reckon
you killed her?

[Deep sigh]

I could probably
describe it like
being in prison

to some degree.

She wouldn't allow me
to have any friends,

and I'm a people
person. I got
to have my friends.

[Sigh]

She was very jealous
and possessive of my time.

She had become
so hateful.

I don't even remember
picking up the gun
that day.

It was like
someone else
was doing it.

So why did you
leave the body there?

It would seem
to me that

if you didn't
want to get caught,

you'd find some way
to dispose of it.

Oh no, no, no.

I could never do that.

That was never my intention.

Everyone deserves
a proper burial.

And I was...

I was just waiting
for my chance
to give her one.

Thank you, Bernie.

I'll pass the witness.

So help me
out here, Bernie.

On this trip
with Mrs. Nugent
to New York City,

did you fly
first class?

Yes, I believe
we did.

Tell us the difference
between like the first
class seats

and the regular old seats
in the back of the plane.

I... I've never
been up there.

I'd say the seats
are a little larger maybe.

More comfortable.

Don't they have people
waiting' on you and stuff
too, you know?

I mean, people
bringing you fancy food,

and serving you
whatever you want to
drink and stuff like that?

Yes, the service
is probably a little better.

Oh, so you like the
first class treatment.

First class lifestyle,
the best that money
can buy.

I was accompanying
Mrs. Nugent

who usually
preferred these things
when she traveled.

- Mm-hm.
- So.

Now, on that
New York City trip,

it says here that
you and Mrs. Nugent

stayed at the...
the Ritz Carlton?

That's a fancy hotel
near Central Park,
isn't it?

Yes, I believe that
is where we stayed.

It also says here
that while you were
in New York City,

you saw an opera.

And a Broadway play.

I think it's called
"Les Miserables."

[French accent]
Les Miserable.

That's impressive.

What?

So culture
is important to you.

I n what way?

Well, you seem to know
all these fancy words
and such.

Well, that one's
not very difficult.

[Laughter]

Not for you.

You know all about
the high class life,
don't you?

I... what... like what?

Like, I don't know,
say for instance what...

what kind of wine
are you supposed
to have with fish?

No, I don't...
white usually.

Mm-hm. That takes
a lot of money

to have so much
culture, don't it?

To... to enjoy the finer
things in life

that you love
so much.

The ritzy hotels,
first class flying
off to the big cities.

I mean, it takes
a lot of money

to live that
way, don't it?

No, I... left
to my own devices,

I would not
have been traveling
in such an expensive...

But left to someone
else's devices,
you were!

And after you killed
Mrs. Nugent,

you kept on spending
her money, didn't you?

A lot of it!

And if you wouldn't
a been caught,

you'd still be
spending her
money today.

Wouldn't you?

Wouldn't you?

[Thud with hand]

Ladies and gentlemen,

after listening to
all the evidence,

I'm sure that
you will agree

that the defendant
is a liar, a coward

and a backshooter.

Now, come on.

That's got to be
about the lowest thing

a man could ever do,
ain't it?

Shoot a little old
lady in the back?

Four times.

There is no doubt
in my mind

Bernie Tiede is
a calculating
evil actor.

He fooled a whole town

for nine months.

Now if he can do that,

there ain't no telling
what he'll do

if you let him
back on the streets.

That poor woman stayed
frozen stiff for nine
whole months.

I n a freezer.

It took two days
to thaw her out.

Just so they could
perform a proper autopsy.

No.
No, no, no, no, no.

I'm sorry.

Your honor, counsel,
ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,

all Danny Buck Davidson
wants to do in this trial

is get you to believe
that Bernie is some
kind of monster.

That he is
something other than
a fellow human being.

Look at him,
ladies and gentlemen.

There is not one hint
of premeditation
in this case.

If there was, he'd have
done it a lot differently.

He mighta
gotten away with it.

Did he try to poison
her slowly? No.

Did he burn
down the house?

Say it was an
accidental fire? No.

He still knew
he done wrong.

He knew he was gonna
get found out.

He just didn't have
the courage

to tell on himself.

But like a good
funeral director,

he preserved the body
so that she could have
a proper burial.

And in the meantime
he did a lot of good
for a lot of people.

Till he finally
got caught.

He just doesn't sound
like any kind of monster
I've ever heard of.

Thank you.

[Lively chatter]

(Danny)
That doesn't excuse
the crime that was committed.

Now look, everybody's
describing Bernie Tiede
as such a great guy.

"Oh, he's
so wonderful.
He's an angel."

Let me tell you,
he's an angel alright.

An angel of death.

Thank you.

(male voice)
Bernie Tiede,
please rise.

Mr. Foreman, it
is my understanding

that the jury
has reached a verdict.

Yes, sir,
we have,
Your Honor.

Is it unanimous?

Yes, sir.

Would you please
read the verdict?

[Clears throat]

We, the jury,

find the defendant
Bernie Tiede,

guilty of murder
as charged.

[Gasping]

(Bernie)
They gave me life.

I won't even be
up for parole
for 50 years.

I'll be 89 years old.

Danny Buck,
you gotta hand
it to him.

What he did,
is two groups, you know.

It was
the high-falutin'
first class livin'

Bernies of the world,

and then there was
the, you know,

let's dig a hole in
the backyard and cook
something, you know?

Put another tire
on the fire, George.
I'm cold.

It was just
two different worlds
he created there

and Bernie wasn't
of their world.

[Soft murmuring]

(Bernie)
It's not as bad
as you think.

I'm the choir director,
teaching four classes.

I'm in the craft shop
most of the day.

I miss my freedom.

Well, sure
you do, hon.

I'm making
the best of it.

Got a lot
to live for.

You do.
You do.

I wanna help
people here.

[Shouting]

Hm, well, I have
to tell you what
I've done.

I wrote the warden
a letter.

Yeah, I did.

I told him that he
had to give you
a work release

or something like that

so that you could
sing at my funeral.

Now, I'm not sick
or anything, but
now Bernie,

you promised me
that you would
do that.

And I totally mean
wear those chains
or whatever

if it made them
feel better so...

That is awful
sweet, Lenora.

And it would be
an honor but don't
count on it.

I don't think they're
letting me out of here
for nothing.

Oh!
[Pfft]

Sure they will.
I told him that you
went temporarily insane.

And we're all going
insane sooner or later.

I mean, that's the way
I look at it.

U h-oh. He's telling
me our time is up.

I cannot tell you
how much it means
to me

that I'm still
in your prayers.

And that I'll
always be with you.

Yes. And you know
how much we love you.

And I will tell you,
I look around here.

You need to take
care of yourself

and be real careful
because I think

this could be
a dangerous place.

- You think?
- I do.

And we'll come back
in a couple of weeks.

Take care.
I love you.

I love you, baby.

You take
care of him.

I don't care
what he did.

Yes, I do care.

It was wrong.

But I believed that if Bernie
were truly sorry for what
he did,

and would ask
God's forgiveness,

God would forgive him.

And after all,
that's all that
really matters.

I will miss him.

All of us will.

[Slow sad violin music]

[Violin music continues]

[Fast music]

I'll never believe

till the day
God calls me home

that Bernie
Tiede killed
Mrs. Nugent.

And... and that's
just the way I feel.

And my husband told
me, "Daisy, when you
go up there,

"you don't change your
mind if you see some
of those people

"standing out there
in the courthouse
that you love,

"that's your friends too."

I said, "Hey, I don't
think Jesus could
change my mind."

That's just
the way I feel
from day one.

And I will always
feel that way.

Bernie was
a good man.

Bernie had
a great heart.

We need
more Bernies
in this world.

Murderers come along
once in a blue moon
over here

and typically,
they're family related,

I mean, it's
just how it
works out,

we don't have
strange killings,

it's just some family member
got upset with the other

and shot him,
killed him dead,

and they know
they gonna go

to penitentiary
for a while.

Now we even have
less murder trials

'cause most of 'em
plead out.

So this thing
becomes a media circus,

we got people coming in
from all across the
U nited States.

Old Danny Buck,
we caught him
with a stiff neck,

he... he got kind
of stiff neck,

kinda get your neck
a little stiff,

he got a stiff neck,
he was like a pig
in shit

when all this
was going up.

Talking about what
wine to drink with fish,

I mean, those people
drink warm beer
with fried mudcat

and he's
trying to say...

I took one look
at the jury and
I said, U h-oh.

[Chuckles]

Scrappy, you ain't
gonna do it, buddy.

I mean, you
ain't gonna do it.

You don't have
enough equipment
to bring

these people outta
their dang hovels
over there.

Jesus, he's my daddy,
he's my cousin.

It's like, some
of them people

shouldn't be allowed
out of the county

and we took the whole
damn trial over there,
you know?

What are they asking for?
I don't get it.

I don't get
the legal system.

♪ He put her in the freezer ♪

♪ And pulled down the lid ♪

♪ Didn't even move it ♪

♪ Just made sure
It was plugged in ♪

♪ He gave a lot of parties ♪

♪ Kept her packed
on ice ♪

♪ No one suspected anything ♪

♪ 'Cause Bernie
Was so nice ♪

♪ Oh, Bernie,
oh, Bernie, ♪

♪ What have you done ♪

♪ You killed poor Mrs. Nugent ♪

♪ You never even ran ♪

♪ Oh, Bernie,
Oh, Bernie ♪

♪ What have you done ♪

♪ You killed poor
Mrs. Nugent ♪

♪ You never even run ♪

♪ After all those months ♪

♪ No one had seen her face ♪

♪ The local law decided ♪

♪ They should
Search the place ♪

♪ And when the search
That ended ♪

♪ To everyone's surprise ♪

♪ They found her
Shot and frozen ♪

♪ As Bernie took her life ♪

♪ Oh, Bernie,
Oh, Bernie ♪

♪ What have you done ♪

♪ You killed poor Mrs. Nugent ♪

♪ You never even run ♪

♪ Oh, Bernie,
Oh, Bernie ♪

♪ What have you done ♪

♪ You killed poor Mrs. Nugent ♪

♪ And never even run ♪

♪ You killed poor Mrs. Nugent ♪

♪ And you
Never even run ♪♪

[light applause]

I ran out of air
on that one.