Bernard and the Genie (1991) - full transcript

He's Mr. Success. He's higher than high.

He's sweeter than the sweetest cherry pie.

He's king of the hill. He's top of the heap.

He's Mr. Unique. He's not Mr. Sheep.

From the shine on his shoe

To the stars in his eye

If he were a girl

He'd be Princess Di.

He's Mr. Success. He's higher than high.

He's sweeter than the sweetest cherry pie.

He's king of the hill. He's top of the heap.

He's Mr. Unique. He's not Mr. Sheep.

Come!

Ah, Bottle!

Enter ye! Enter ye!

Thank you, Sir.

Oh, and er...

Thanks for sending your limo, Sir.

Oh, pish!

Sit ye. Sit ye!

Cigar?

Oh, come on, take ye! Take ye!

Excellent!

Well... Bottle... You had quite a day

yesterday, didn't you?

Not bad, Sir!

Better than a hefty kick

in the trousers!

Oh, come on, boast ye!

Boast ye!

Due to your ability to ferret out

great works of art

in the country houses of some

mad short-sighted old sock-knitters,

you've made this firm 50

million pounds in clear profit.

Well not quite, Sir...

Not once we've paid

the old ladies back their share.

Oh, yes, now I wanted to talk to you

about this, Bernard.

Do you mind if I call you Bernard?

No Sir, Bernie if you like.

Yes...

Well, the fact is,

Bernard, I haven't quite mastered

this refund bit.

Elucidate ye!

Well, Sir...

I bought the paintings for a song.

But I always said that if they

turn out to be really valuable,

we'd pay the owners back.

Properly.

Obviously not the full amount,

because if we

hadn't found them,

the old ladies in question

wouldn't have got anything.

That's a good point, Bernard.

That's a fully-fledged bastard

of a good point.

Yes, so now that we've sold them,

I thought we'd return half the money

to the lovely old birds.

Oh, I see!

Excellent!

So you're suggesting we return

25 million pounds

to the aforementioned old bats

and keep a cool 25 mil

for ourselves?

That's the ticket, Sir.

And I've got a list of

some other old ladies

who might have the odd Gainsborough

tucked away in their attic.

- Have you?

- Yes.

Good.

Good.

I like the cut of your jib,

Bottle!

I've been watching you...

And I've been thinking about

your future with the firm.

Thank you, Sir.

I'm already assessing the prospects

for the staff.

And so naturally, my thoughts

have turned to you.

- Have they, Sir?

- Yes, they have, Bernard.

And I've made a big decision.

And what's that, Sir?

You're fired.

- Sorry, Sir?

- Fired, Bottle!

I sack ye!

I want you and your

philanthropic little arse

out of this building,

pronto,

or I'll have you arrested

for loitering.

And probably throw a charge

of sexual harassment into the bargain.

- I'm not with you, Sir.

- Not any more, you're not.

And if I have anything

to do with it,

you won't be with

anyone else, either.

Miss Temple, take a letter.

I want it circulated to

everyone in the art world,

including Gilbert and George...

Dearest darlings...

I write to warn you

against employing a Mr B. Bottle,

whom I've just caught

attempting to steal...

Notice steal there, Bottle.

25 million pounds from me.

Don't even interview him.

He has just left my office,

and suddenly my gold

fountain pen has disappeared.

I'm therefore yours

in crayon.

P.S. I've just dropped in

on my secretary,

who looks distinctly harassed,

sexually.

I think you get the message, Bottle.

Yes, Sir.

Not very nice message.

No... it's a true-blue stinker.

Farewell, Bottle.

And never darken

our doors again.

This is a profit-making organisation,

not Help the Aged.

Wait a minute...!

This isn't just a lovely joke

before you promote me

to Head of Department, is it Sir?

- No.

- Oh.

Right...

Bugger ye off!

He's Mr. No Good. He's Mr. Depressed.

His butt has been kicked. His life's in a mess.

He's Mr. Despair. He's Mr. Bad Luck.

(?**)

Home early, Sir!

Did they give you the day off

as a reward?

Well, no actually, Kepple,

they fired me.

- Oh no, Sir!

- Oh yes, Kepple.

I make them a fortune

and they bloomin' well kick me out.

That's terrible, Sir.

Exactly the same thing

happened to me.

I used to work

for this big oil firm.

I discovered the formula

for a new kind of petrol.

Cleaner. Cheaper.

More efficient.

Kinder to the environment.

I handed it in.

The next day they fired me.

I never saw a penny

of the profits.

- Is that true, Kepple?

- No Sir, it's not.

- Not true?

- No, Sir, it's a total lie, Sir.

I thought it might

cheer you up.

That's very decent of you, Kepple.

Hello, I'm sorry I'm not

in my office at the moment.

Please leave a message,

I'll get back to you. Bye.

- Hello...?

- Hi Kev, Bernie here.

Oh, hi... look erm... things are

a bit complicated right now, OK?

God, you are like a rabbit...

do you never stop?

Yeah, I know.

Er look, erm, I've got some

pretty grizzly news.

Could do with a shoulder to cry on.

I just tried Judy,

but she's out.

You don't know

where she is, do you?

Um... well... uh...

- It's Bernie!

- What?

- I do, actually.

- Oh, great!

Hello, Bernard.

Oh... hi, sweetheart!

Oh look, you're not gonna believe

what's gone and...

...bloomin' well happened...

I reported into work

this morning, and...

Wait a minute...!

What in the banana tree

are you doing there?

Well, you had to

find out some time.

It might as well be now.

Look, the thing is...

Kevin and I

are deeply in love.

Yeah, sorry about this, mate.

And we thought...

Seeing as you're getting so successful

and everything, these days...

Yeah, congratulations.

Great news.

Perhaps you wouldn't mind

so much us telling you.

Look... wait a minute...

Let me get this straight...

you mean...

- You and Kevin...

- Yes.

That's right.

Thanks for introducing us, mate!

Oh, and Bernie, by the way...

Just as a matter of interest...

You know you used to wonder why it was

that Kevin got so many girlfriends?

Yes, why does he get

so many girlfriends?

Because he's so good in bed.

Oh, great.

- Bernie...

- Yes?

I was thinking, darling...

Do you mind if

I just come round?

Oh, no, please do...

I'm sure there's nothing

a good chat can't sort out.

I want to get my stuff...

I'm really eager

to get settled in here.

Oh, good.

Excellent news.

It'll be lonely this Christmas...

Without you to hold

It'll be lonely this Christmas

Lonely and cold

It'll be cold, so cold, without you to hold

This Christmas

Each time I remember

the day you went away

And how I wouldn't listen

to the things you had to say

I just break down as I look around

And the only things I see

Are emptiness and loneliness

And an unlit Christmas tree

It'll be cold, so cold,

without you to hold

This Christmas

You remember last year

when you and I were here.

We never thought

there'd be an end...

And I remember looking at you, darling

And I remember thinking that Christmas

must have been made for us

'cause, darling, this is the time of year

that you really, you really need love

When it means so very, very much

It'll be lonely...

So, it'll be lonely this Christmas

Without you to hold

What happened?

Seems to have been

some sort of explosion, Sir.

Good Lord!

How am I?

Do I still look vaguely human?

Or have I turned into

Julian Lloyd Webber?

No, you're fine, Mr Bottle.

Just a little bang on your head.

And one severely-singed testicle.

You'll be out of here

in the morning.

Don't you worry, Sir. I had a friend

who had both his legs blown off,

and he was up and walkin' around

in a fortnight.

- Is that true, Kepple?

- Not exactly, Sir.

Right!

Now you just rest, and tomorrow

your friend can pick you up.

Thank you, sister.

Thanks for sticking with me

last night, Kepple.

That's alright, Sir.

They didn't nickname me

Sticky Kepple for nothing.

- Your nickname was Sticky Kepple?

- No Sir, it wasn't.

They don't go in for nicknames

in the Navy.

I didn't know you were

in the Navy, Kepple.

I wasn't, Sir...

Can't stand the sea.

However, be that

as it may...

If you ever need anything,

you just call

and I'll be up there faster than

a poker up a pervert. - Indeed.

Anchors aweigh, Sir!

Oh, my God,

you're a maniac!

Kepple! Kepple!

Save me!

There's nothing left to steal. My bloomin' girlfriend's gone and nicked the lot.

Oh lawks a-mercy...

I wish you could speak English.

I can!

- You can?

- Yes!

Your wish is my command.

Now, beware, oh short one...

You smell of peppermint,

and it is time to die!

Sorry?

- You smell of peppermint.

- No, no, before that.

Beware, oh short one!

No, no, no... further back...

Right at the top.

Unfortunately,

your wish is my command.

Okay... then I wish you'd stop

trying to kill me.

Damn!

Gotcha!

Okay, what's the story, Abdul?

How the bloomin' hell

did you get into my house?

I was in the bloomin' lamp!

Yes, very likely!

And how do large transvestites

get inside lamps these days?

A bloomin' wizard did it,

and made me into

a bloomin' genie,

without so much as

a bloomin' by-your-leave!

I'm dealing with a madman!

Don't move!

This is one of these really scary

Bulgarian poison-tipped umbrellas.

One prick is fatal!

I'm going to ring the police.

Damn! I wish there was

a phone in here.

Have you just injected LSD

into my bottom?

Look... I've explained this...

I'm a genie...

Oh, come off it, mate...!

Who's ever heard of genies?

Well, you, obviously!

Look, we're like ghosts and dragons

and unicorns.

You don't think they exist

until you meet them.

So, all I have to do is wish?

As far as I know, the training for this

stupid job is practically non-existent.

Well you'd better get your next

alibi ready pretty quickly,

because I wish this chair

was Melvyn Bragg.

I wish it wasn't.

Sorry, Melvyn.

Lord in heaven!

You mean...

So... for instance...

If I were to wish my pockets

were full of money...

Oh my God!

Oh Kevin, I'm worried

about Bernard.

Yeah, I'm worried

about him too, baby.

This guy's my best friend.

I'd do anything

not to hurt him.

I know.

I know.

But you know, baby...

Bernard's always lived

in a bit of a dream world.

I mean, I love this man...

But he looked like a turnip...

And if what you say is true,

he had all the sexual skills

of a small Dutch cheese.

Well, a medium-size

Dutch cheese.

And yet he still thought he could go out

with a goddess like you.

Fact is that sometime,

Bernard's got to come down to earth.

Got to realise that it's

a tough dog-stabs-dog-in-the-back

and then eats-dog world.

We're doing him a favour.

The sooner Bernie faces up to reality,

the better.

So, all I have to do

is wish?

As far as I know.

Wish me mum

could see me now.

Hello, Bernard!

Are you feeding yourself properly?

And what a condition

this place is in!

On second thoughts, no offense mum,

I wish she couldn't.

I have to be very careful...

Don't I?

Yes. Say the words "I wish" with the caution

you would normally reserve for

"Please castrate me."

Yes.

It's going to be brilliant!

But I think we should sort out

just exactly how it's going to work.

Things must have changed somewhat,

since you were last... out.

I bet!

So, tell me...

- How's old Caesar?

- Caesar?

Yes, the emperor.

Ah well, you see, he's dead.

- No! What happened?

- He was stabbed. In the Capitol.

God, so who's in charge now?

Brutus?

No, he's dead, too.

Wow! A real massacre!

Yeah.

Look, um...

There's something I think

I ought to explain.

You see, you've obviously

been inside the lamp

slightly longer than you think.

How long?

Well, give or take

a day or two,

2,000 years.

No...!

2,000 years?!

Most of my friends

will be dead.

All, I think's a more likely guess.

Yes... my girlfriend...

My mother... my father...

my sister...

The kittens!

Wow!

I'm very sorry.

No, no, I'm the one

who should be sorry.

The last thing you need

around the place is a gloomy genie.

Go ahead, make some wishes.

Go ahead!

- I'll be fine.

- Oh no, for heaven's sake.

I know how you feel.

My life hasn't been

too rosy recently, either.

Getting teased a lot

about the stupid haircut?

No!

Everything else

has been pretty crappy.

I just got sacked,

and then

found out that my fianc?e

was sleeping with my best friend.

Do you wish me

to kill them?

Erm no, that's not really the way

we do things any longer.

Well, how do you deal

with your enemies these days?

Well... we kind of

don't see them.

You know, sort of spurn them.

Spurn them!

Then the odd nasty look,

kind of ... er... sarcastic remark...

And then we kind of encourage

our other friends, you know,

not to see them

and to be a bit sarcastic too.

That's it?!

So it's not all progress then?

Still, don't get too depressed.

Look on the bright side.

Your fianc?e is buried in the arms

of your best friend.

Mine is buried in an artichoke patch

in Jerusalem.

Good point.

I know!

I wish you weren't

so depressed.

No, it doesn't work.

You can't change people's feelings

with wishes.

Oh dear.

Then we're in trouble,

aren't we?

Well, what say as to

we have a bite to eat?

How does a hamburger

grab you?

A what?

Oh well, it's er...

two all-beef patties...

special sauce, lettuce, cheese,

pickles, onions

in a sesame seed bun.

- I might take out the pickles.

- You wouldn't be the first.

I wish we had two Big Macs!

Have a try.

Erm, take it out of the box first.

Everybody dead.

All I ever wanted was

to get out of the lamp.

Now...

I almost wish I hadn't.

On the other hand!

Bite my beetroot!

That is fantastic!

You get the right price,

you could sell hundreds of these.

Well, they do sell

quite a few.

There's a difference about this

people will enjoy.

Even the pickles are nice!

Something wrong?

No, something unbelievably right!

My ears want to mate

with this music and have its children.

Tell me, who is this guy, Bernie?

It's a chap called Mozart.

This is my kind of guy!

Incredible!

This new music is great!

That isn't modern music.

This is.

That is fantastic!

Make it with a mango!

Alright!

- Tell me Bernie, what colour is this guy?

- Black.

Thought so.

Ah, girls! Girls!

Enter ye... Enter ye!

Sit ye! Sit ye!

Now, as you probably heard...

Mr Bottle left us yesterday.

And I've been worrying about it.

Do either of you think

I was a little harsh on him?

Well, Sir.

I think perhaps you might have

given him a warning.

Good... good...!

You're fired.

I want you out of here

in two minutes.

You disastrously faded old crone.

Exit ye! Exit ye!

35 years!

Now, Miss Purse...

No pressure.

Just old friends talking.

Just bosom buddies bantering.

Any opinions

on the Bottle scenario?

Inspired move, Sir!

Thank you.

But I have, as I said,

been worrying.

Because Bottle had a list

of some other priceless paintings.

And I want it back.

I want you to search his office,

and if it isn't there,

we'll just have to go where he lives,

and steal it.

I shall start looking

immediately, Sir.

Good.

No pressure, you understand.

No pressure.

Although for the moment, I'll just

put your Christmas bonus on hold.

Yes, Sir.

Thank ye.

Thank ye.

Oh, by the way, Miss Purse...

I was joking about

the Christmas bonus.

Oh, thank you, Sir!

You weren't getting one anyway.

Who do you think I am?

Felicity Kendal?

If you want money,

work for it.

I did.

And I won't let any little creep

take it from me.

So I really can have

absolutely anything?!

Yep!

Okay. Well, for a start,

let's brighten up this flat a bit.

Unbelievable!

Okay, I wish I had the Mona Lisa

on that wall.

Oh, my God!

Mmm, cute chick!

Bit of a smudge

around the mouth though.

Here, let me sort that out.

No, best leave it I think.

Unbelievable.

Fantastic.

Bit of a tease though, eh?

I could just stay here all night,

just staring at her.

Oh look, sorry, I'm not being

a very good host, am I?

You'd probably like to take a look round.

- Good idea!

- Yes.

Things have changed quite a lot

in the last 1,000 years.

I'll say! For instance

in my day, this

would've made

an attractive hat.

Look, I'll take you round

town if you like.

Excellent.

Damn!

The only thing is that, after

all that business at work,

I don't actually have

any transport.

Hot spots, here we come!

I think it's fair to say

that the people from Allied Carpets

would be genuinely surprised by this.

The real skill, of course,

is in the landing.

And I think I need

a little more practice.

Look er, before we go any further, I think

we should do something about the clothes.

What? You cannot get hotter

than this!

Chicks see this stuff and die!

Yes, I'm sure.

I just wish we had

the modern equivalent.

Yes, now that's a lot better!

I feel fantastic!

And I look it, too!

You are cute!

Jean Genie, screams and he bawls

Jean Genie, let yourself go.

I must say I don't normally come here,

it's got rather dirty recently.

You call this dirty?

Where I come from, you go out shopping,

you come back with leprosy.

People used to urinate

on their vegetables

to give it that early-morning

dewy fresh look.

This is the cleanest place

I've ever seen in my whole life!

Let's boogie!

Ah, delicious!

I'm glad dog meat is still popular.

Get him, Arnie!

He's an alien and he's killing

absolutely everyone!

Get him!

Hasta la vista, baby!

That was unbelievable!

Those people were huge!

Tell me, where do they all live?

Er, most of them are in Los Angeles.

That's the place for me!

That woman's breasts

were 60 feet high!

Which flavour

would you like?

That one!

This is great, Bernie.

In my country there is only one

type of dessert, and it tastes disgusting!

Oh my God!

Take out my eyeballs

and fry them in ginger...!

That is unbelievable!

Here, hold that.

Hey, everybody,

come in here!

This stuff is brilliant!

It's really cold and it tastes

completely of strawberries.

It's wonderful!

People have tried it and it's

nothing special to them anymore.

You're crazy!

I think I'll try a few more flavours.

Bernie, it's great to be here!

Let's go!

The Daily Standard. Daily Standard.

Read all about it. Daily Standard.

How do you feel?

A bit sick actually,

but it's OK.

I haven't had a stomach ache

for 2,000 years.

It's like the return

of an old friend.

Mr Beardy again!

Is he like emperor here,

or something?

No, it's Christmas, which is a kind

of holiday we have at this time of year.

And the chap in the beard

goes round with his flying reindeer.

And then comes down chimneys

and gives children presents.

- Wow!

- Yeah.

And what do you want

for Christmas?

A car, and a train,

and three Nintendos.

Yes, and a pencil's also nice,

isn't it, eh? Yes.

Except, he doesn't, in fact,

come down chimneys.

And it isn't actually him

who gives the presents.

Do the reindeer really fly?

I think not.

Mr Beardy is beginning to sound

a bit like a non-event.

Yeah. Christmas isn't

what it used to be.

Santa smelled funny.

Now it's just the time that kids learn

to live with disappointments.

Speaking of which,

I'm a bit disappointed

that we haven't eaten anything

for a while.

It's been a good ... oh, 20 minutes

since my last full meal.

Your wish is my command.

Well, I've sucked on some

pretty wonderful things, Bernie,

but that takes the biscuit!

You and I are going to be

a wonderful partnership.

I can see it now.

But, you know, there's more to me

than fantastic pants.

I'm going to find you a woman!

- Oh no!

- Starting right now!

Okay, now those two over there

are definitely out.

Bit wrinkly.

And she...!

She's pretty cute.

Okay, she's a bit older than you,

but if she shakes her booty

the way she shakes her milk...

On the other hand.

Oh no, please!

Ah, you like the look of her?

- Well...

- Leave it to me.

I'm pretty experienced

at this kind of thing.

Oh, thank God it's near closing time.

We're runnin' out of pencils.

Good evening.

Oh, hello!

- Great hair!

- Thank you very much.

Myself and my friend,

with the very unfortunate hair,

but he's very fertile,

and has a large inheritance,

couldn't help noticing the splendid work

you were doing with the children.

Oh, thanks.

Ay tell (**), actually.

Santa drinks like a fish,

and these hot pants were

tailor-made for Bonnie Langford.

Indeed!

Would you care to join us

for a shake of milk?

Or perhaps you'd like me

to organise something more formal

where your parents

were involved?

No, I'll just have a cup of coffee,

and fly.

What a coincidence,

We're flying, too!

- Is that right?!

- Yes!

Could you hang on

for just one second, please?

- Certainly.

- Thank you.

Actually, you'd better

make that two coffees.

Santa keeps on dozing off

over the children.

It's going very well.

She says her pants are hot.

She wants your body

and she wants it now!

- She does not!

- She does!

A little more negotiation,

and the match will be made.

Depending of course on proof of

child-bearing capability. - Oh God!

So is that your

flying carpet, then?

Yes, it is.

Would you fancy a ride?

Oh no...!

The reindeer can get very jealous

if I use alternative means of transport.

Very amusing! Now, down to business.

Obviously the question of the dowry

rears its ugly head.

I'm sorry, he's not

from round here.

No, I sort of guessed that.

I think your hair's quite nice.

'Bye.

It's a dead cert!

I can see it now.

The loving relatives, the priest.

The staggeringly attractive best man.

The shagged-out bridesmaids.

No. Somebody like that

would never fancy me.

Course she would.

All we have to do is...

sex you up a bit.

Like how?

Well, if you don?t mind my saying so,

Bernie, you are a bit neat.

What you need

is that rough look.

You need to be giving

that sexy unshaven thing.

You mean scruffy?

Scruffy can be sexy.

Okay... I wish I looked

like Bob Geldof.

Oh my God!

What do you think...

a certain rugged charm?

Might be one way

of putting it...

A total blooming mess

might be another.

Don't be so damn cheeky!

Is that Mick Jagger?

Oh, Bernie...

I liked you the way you were.

Let's have a look...

Bloody hell, you're right!

This voice is gettin' on my nerves

as well.

I wish I was me again.

Mr Cute! Ah, that's my boy!

Welcome back!

What's next?

Well er, I thought we could go back home

and check out Mona.

Brilliant idea!

Although, I have an even

more brilliant one.

Why don't you go home

and check out Mona,

and I'll go and check out

those 60-foot breasts again.

Are you sure you'll be alright

without me?

Of course. More importantly,

will you be alright without me?

Oh yes. I've cheered up distinctly.

Good! Happy days are here again.

Sorry!

We'll take that,

if you don't mind.

We don't want anyone else

brutally assaulted, do we?

Send for some assistance, Alan.

Can I ask you why you're here?

Is there something wrong?

Yes, well, as a matter of fact,

there is, Mr Bottle.

You're about to be accused of...

Grand theft.

Hello, Sir.

What are you doing here?

Well, I just thought I'd pop round

for a little Christmas drinkie

with my old pal, Bernie.

And I discover this list

of priceless paintings,

that you stole from our office.

Then, I happened to inspect the walls,

and discovered

this dear lady.

Do you recognise that picture,

Mr Bottle?

Oh, yes, of course I do, it...

It was stolen from the Louvre,

earlier today.

It is a magnificent work,

isn't it?

No matter how much time passes,

one can never quite get over the wonder

of that smile.

And somehow, it seems

to have made its way here.

Yes, well I think

I can explain that.

- Yes?

- Yes?

Yes?

Yes.

Well, you see the thing is,

there's this lamp...

Er well, on second thoughts,

I think I can't explain it.

I wish it wasn't here.

I wish it wasn't here.

Good shot, Robin!

I wish it wasn't here.

Well, I'm afraid it is.

You're coming with us.

Excuse me if I don't

keep you company, gentlemen.

Christmas bash

at Number 10.

Don't want to keep poor Johnny

and dear Norma waiting.

As for you...

What can I say, Bottle?

God rest ye merry.

God rest ye.

I don't mean to be cruel

Don't mean to be rude.

But Mr. Success is Mr. Totally Screwed

Life can be tough

Life can be unfair

He's off to meet Mr. Electric Chair.

Don't you worry, Sir...

I was once arrested for murder,

and sentenced to death by hanging.

- Is that right, Kepple?

- Oh, yes...

We tried to appeal,

but the High Court threw it out.

I was caught red-handed,

you see, Sir.

Smoking gun

in the victim's mouth.

So there I was.

Noose round the neck.

Padre in attendance.

Mother in tears.

No hope in sight.

And?

Oh, it all turned out alright

in the end, Sir.

- Just a few of the lads, larkin' about.

- Thank you, Kepple.

Pigs!

Tie.

Name?

Bottle, Bernard.

- Crime?

- Grand theft.

And murder of a police officer.

- Really?

- Yes!

I wonder if he's guilty.

It's a tricky one...

The Mona Lisa

hanging in his front room.

And three witnesses who saw him

clubbing his victim to death.

Do you know something, Alan,

you're right.

It's one of those ones juries

really agonise over.

All said and done,

not a good day.

You can make one phone call.

Might I recommend a priest?

Either that or a publisher.

I believe tales from Death Row

are always big sellers.

Please be in. Please be in.

And the answer to all my dreams

You're my...

Josephus? Josephus?

Hello?

We're dealing with

highly-trained villains, Sir.

The first five times,

there's no reply.

Then twice, the phone's picked up,

but put down straight away.

Textbook stuff.

Brilliant work, Parker.

Obviously the accomplice

has returned to the flat.

We've got them by

the short and painfuls.

- They're doomed, Parker.

- Doomed, Sir!

Doomed!

He said "Well, when we have

done, ours is 3 pound".

I'll come back

when you have none.

"Fair enough,

I'll come back when you have none."

No gags like the old gags,

eh Frankie?

Hi guys, can I help?

We'd like you to come with us,

sunshine!

Certainly. You know,

he is really tiny but very funny.

Love the uniform, kinky!

Spread 'em!

Mmm, I was right, very kinky!

Don't try and be funny.

Mmm, tasty!

Thank you for the bracelet,

but do you think

it goes with the pendant?

Name?

May I just say

before I answer that

that is an absolutely

splendid beard.

Although it might be more useful

if you wore it on top of your head.

Just ignore him, he's a smart-arse.

- Name?

- Josephus.

Get in there.

Smart-arse!

Anything you say,

smart-uniform.

Bernie, my oldest, dearest pal,

where have you been? - Here.

Funny choice. Still it

does have a certain kooky charm.

Colourful toilet...

And those guys out there are fun.

It's not a choice.

We are in real trouble.

I could spend the rest of my life

in prison, you know. It's no joke.

It's no joke?

Not amusing?

What happened?

God, it's too depressing to explain.

Even with a genie,

I'm a disaster.

When I got home last night, they

arrested me for nicking the Mona Lisa.

The only girlfriend I'll ever get now

will be 6 foot 2, with a full beard.

- Sounds OK to me.

- Oh come on, be serious!

I killed a policeman!

God, poor bastard!

And his family.

I mean, he leaves home at 9am

in a Panda car,

comes back home at midnight

in a plastic bag,

murdered by an ex art-dealer,

with a scimitar.

Oh dear!

If only I'd been there.

I wish you had.

- You can do that?

- For you... anything!

Ah, good evening, officers!

Good evening, Mr Bottle.

Sorry, is there something wrong?

Yes, well, as a matter of fact

there is, Mr Bottle.

You're just about

to be accused of...

Grand theft.

Hello, Sir.

What are you doing here?

Well, I just thought I'd pop around and have

a little drinkie with my old pal, Bernie.

And I discover this list

of priceless paintings,

that you stole from our office.

Then I happened

to inspect the walls,

and discovered this dear lady.

Oh yes, Kylie,

my absolute favourite.

Wait a minute.

What's going on here?

You told us it was the Mona Lisa.

Well yes, it was the Mona Lisa!

I like this chick better.

Yes, it's a fabulous work.

And no matter how much time passes,

one still can't quite get over

the wonder of that smile.

Hello?

Oh, so that's what it's for!

What?!

Apparently the painting

has been returned.

What do you mean returned?

It's back in the Louvre.

I think we owe these people

an apology.

Mr Bottle, and er, Mr er...

Smart-arse.

Yes... um...

Sorry to disturb you, Mr Smart-arse...

We'll be off, now.

Thank God for that! I can't think of

anything we'd like to do less

than hang around

with scum like you.

Come again, sunshine?

Yes, you are obviously a slimebag

and living proof that man is

directly related to the slug.

And your face looked familiar

when I first saw it,

and now I remember seeing

something very similar

whilst washing down

the hindquarters of a camel.

You what?!

And you are a very large turd

in a horrible pink shirt.

I beg your bloody pardon?

Do you wish I'd never said

any of that?

Yes, I do.

Well, goodbye gentlemen.

It's nice to meet you.

You're an honour to the Force,

the pair of you!

Thanks guv'nor!

- And er, merry Christmas!

- Happy new year!

'Bye!

Oh, and I'm so thrilled

you're still alive.

I'm so pleased

I didn't kill you!

Yes. Right.

Goodbye, Sir.

Lovely shirt.

Although I do wish you hadn't

taken that list.

But do pop round

for a drink anytime...

And er, give the PM one for me!

Certainly. Thank you, Bottle.

Thank you, Sir.

Bye, flower.

- My friend! - I suspect it's going

to be a very merry Christmas!

Are you hanging up your

stocking on the wall?

- Have you seen my toothbrush?

- No.

It's the time that every Santa has a ball

Does he ride a red-nosed reindeer?

I put this in the water, yes?

Yes, not too much though.

How much is too much?

Well er, just put in a drop.

So here it is, Merry Christmas

Everybody's having fun

I think it's too late.

Look to the future now

It's only just begun

Are you waiting for the family to arrive?

Are you sure you've got the room to spare inside?

Does your Granny always tell you

That the old songs are the best?

And she's up and

rock'n'rolling with the rest.

So here it is, Merry Christmas

Everybody's having fun

Look to the future now

It's only just begun.

What will your Daddy do when he sees

your Mother kissing Santa Claus?

So here it is, Merry Christmas

Everybody's having fun

Look to the future now

It's only just begun.

- Ready?

- Yeah. Let's rock!

Peace on Earth and mercy mild

God and sinners reconciled

So, tell me about this Christmas thing.

Well, it's become a very big

commercial thing in recent times.

Oh, I like commercial...

I like commercials!

"Fly Fishing"

by J.R.Hartley.

Yeah, but originally

it was supposed to celebrate the birth

of this chap called Jesus Christ.

Who was born, well, about 2,000 years ago.

- Jesus you say?

- Yeah.

But I knew this guy!

You did not!

I did! What did he do

to get so famous?

Well he turned out to be

the Son of God.

No! I thought

he was kidding!

No... true blue.

Dammit! I knew there was

something special about him

from the moment

I first met him.

You met him?

Of course. He helped out with the wine

at my brother's wedding.

Wait a minute, so...

You were at the wedding at Cana?

Well, I think so,

though by the end of it, I was so

completely legless, I can't be sure.

This is so bizarre.

I told him,

"You could be

a big money-spinner."

But oh no, Goodie Two-shoes

was having none of it.

One night, we're on the boat...

He walks on water!

You were there?

One day, 5,000 people

came out to see him talk.

And they didn't have any food.

So, guess what he did?

He produced loaves and fishes

for them all.

Yes. I said "Let's open

a restaurant right now."

We'll call it

Something Fishy.

But he didn't like the name.

Anyway, happy birthday,

Big J.

A crap businessman,

but a great human being.

- To Big J!

- Big J!

So tell me,

what happened to him?

Well, he was crucified.

No. You're kidding!

Afraid not.

Wow... There's no need for that!

This was a wonderful guy.

But being the son of God,

he came back to life again.

Oh great!

Is he still alive?

Not really, no. You see,

he rose up into heaven.

Lucky for you.

Jesus was not keen on people

making money out of religion.

One day I was in the temple when

they tried to turn it into a supermarket.

Jesus went in there,

and kicked arse!

Like Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Yes, but with smaller pectorals.

Yes, well unfortunately it seems

the big money people are taking over.

Hmmm, well it's time for the

no-money people to strike back.

Let's make some wishes for Big J,

his way!

You're the boss...

Let's do it!

When the snowman brings the snow

Well he just might like to know

He's put a great big smile

on somebody's face

Thank you!

Do you have a ticket?

Look, Mummy!

Look, Mummy...

Look what I've got!

Mummy, look!

Merry Christmas!

Oh, you too!

What about you?

D'you fancy him as well?

Is that for me?

So, what did you wish for?

What was that?

Don't worry, Bernie,

it was just a warning.

Now, what about you?

What would you like for Christmas?

Well, I have had one or two

little thoughts.

Ah. Good!

Littlewoods have announced

their largest-ever pools winner.

Mr Frank Kepple, a doorman in Wandsworth,

has won 3 million pounds.

Today he said it won't change his life.

No, you see, this is in fact the 4th time

I have won the 3 million pound prize.

No, I don't believe it!

Oh dear, the lift has stuck.

It's never done that before.

And in Battersea tonight,

the cracking of a major drugs ring.

Kevin Bell, the City financier,

was found with 30 pounds

of marijuana, stored under his bed.

Look, it's a plant!

I think you'll find

it's 100 plants, actually.

More like 1,000.

Well, if it was all there,

why didn't he ever give me any?

Tragic!

- Really terrible.

- And they look such a nice couple.

And finally, a charming

Christmas story.

This evening the Queen received

an unexpected letter at Buckingham Palace.

It included a cheque

from arts dealer Charles Pinkworth,

donating 100 million pounds

to Christmas charities.

We went down to the house,

where a grateful crowd has gathered.

For he's a jolly good fellow...

And so say all of us!

Mr Charles Pinkworth?

Yes?

What made you make

this extraordinarily generous gesture?

What gesture?

100 million pounds!

The 100 million pound cheque

to the Queen.

Repeat ye?

Buckingham Palace apparently has received

a 100 million pound charity cheque from you.

You've become a national hero,

because of your generosity.

Have I?

A knighthood is surely

on its way.

I wish it wasn't on its way.

- Is it?

- No, no, apparently it's not.

But please tell the nation

what your motives were.

50 million people

want to know.

Yes.

Well...

Christmas is very much

a time for giving.

And I thought it was about time

that somebody from the commercial sector

put their money

where their mouth was,

and gave their entire fortune away

to the needy.

A fortune for which he has worked

for 25

bloody

years.

For he's a jolly good fellow...

And so say all of us!

And what a wonderful story that is.

Now, the Christmas weather.

And for the first time

in 15 years,

deep, deep snow.

From all of us here, goodbye,

and a very merry Christmas.

Well, that's it then, isn't it?

Er, not quite.

Excuse me please. Thank you.

Ah... snack time!

A little light refreshment!

So, what do you want

for Christmas, Josephus?

Oh, new pair of pants...

Whatever you like.

Chicken tandoori

flavoured toothpaste.

No, come on... you know...

When we first met,

I was the most wretched bloke

in the whole world.

Except maybe for that guy

who's married to Esther Rantzen.

Maybe him.

But now, you know...

I'm as happy as

Michelle Pfeiffer's underpants.

And I'd like to give you

something fab for Christmas.

Well...

There is something,

Bernard.

But it's blooming hard to ask for.

Well, just you ask away.

Whatever it is, it's yours.

I want to go home.

See, I like it here.

I love little Frank Carson

and I love big Kevin Costner.

I love post-it notes,

I love you.

But I miss things...

I miss my family.

I don't have anybody

to write Christmas cards to.

I miss my fianc?e.

I miss Egbert and Pee Wee.

The kittens?

The kittens.

And no one stir-fries rabbit droppings

like my mum does.

Yes, well...

People rather seem to have

lost the knack, there.

Oh dear.

Yes, well...

Surely.

And there's another thing...

If I could just get the recipe for

these 100 percent beef patty things...

- You could make a bob or two.

- Exactly!

And if I could memorise the songs

by Mr Barry White,

I could snog every babe in a yashmak

from Mount Hebron to the Red Sea.

We got it together,

didn't we?

Sure, sure. I understand.

You should go.

But first,

there's one thing

I'd like to try.

Don't be nervous, Bernie!

Don't worry, I've got you.

That's where I was born.

That was a fabulous tour, Bernie.

Thank you!

Rome wasn't quite as big

as I expected it to be.

But New York? Wow!

That was fantastic!

Yeah, the Americans have put

a lot of work into it.

Tell me... why are there

no tall buildings in Beirut?

That's a long story.

Take me home, James!

I can't believe you wished for

this stuff. It's bloody freezing!

Well, here we go...

Goodbye!

You great big funky dude.

I'd like to say I'd call, but

the phone system in 1st century

Palestine is absolute crap.

Okay. Are you sure you've got enough stuff?

I think so.

Look...

...if you bump into Jesus,

tell him to keep an eye on Judas.

He's a nasty piece of work.

Okay.

I have a present for you.

Take it from me.

It may not look like much,

but it may come in handy,

when I leave.

Okay, fine, thanks.

And when you're looking through

that old bibble...

- Bible.

- Whatever.

And it says...

"And the multitude gathered..."

Remember,

one of them is a close

personal friend of yours.

Oh, this is getting far too emotional,

I wish you'd just go.

No, wait, I wish... I wish...

Okay.

Thank you. Merry Christmas!

So what do you want for Christmas?

He's Mr. Success. He's higher than high.

He's sweeter than the sweetest cherry pie.

He's king of the hill. He's top of the heap.

He's Mr. Unique. He's not Mr. Sheep.

From the shine on his shoe

To the stars in his eye

If he were a girl

He'd be Princess Di.

He's Mr. Success. He's higher than high.

He's sweeter than the sweetest cherry pie.

He's king of the hill. He's top of the heap.

He's Mr. Unique. He's not Mr. Sheep.