Being John Malkovich (1999) - full transcript
Puppeteer Craig Schwartz and animal lover and pet store clerk Lotte Schwartz are just going through the motions of their marriage. Despite not being able to earn a living solely through puppeteering, Craig loves his profession as it allows him to inhabit the skin of others. He begins to take the ability to inhabit the skin of others to the next level when he is forced to take a job as a file clerk for the off-kilter LesterCorp, located on the five-foot tall 7½ floor of a Manhattan office building. Behind one of the filing cabinets in his work area, Craig finds a hidden door which he learns is a portal into the mind of John Malkovich, the visit through the portal which lasts fifteen minutes after which the person is spit into a ditch next to the New Jersey Turnpike. Craig is fascinated by the meaning of life associated with this finding. Lotte's trips through the portal make her evaluate her own self. And the confident Maxine Lund, one of Craig's co-workers who he tells about the portal if only because he is attracted to her, thinks that it is a money making opportunity in selling trips into Malkovich's mind after office hours for $200 a visit. Craig, Lotte and Maxine begin to understand that anyone entering the portal has the ability to control Malkovich's mind, which also alters his entire being. This experience makes Maxine fall in love with a composite. This ability to control Malkovich's mind begs the question of the ultimate psychedelic trip for Malkovich himself, who begins to feel that something is not right in the world as he knows it.
Craig, honey,
it's time for bed.
Craig, honey, time to get up.
Craig, honey, time to get up.
Craig, honey, time to get up.
- Craig, honey, time to get up.
- Lotte.
I'm sorry. I didn't know
Orrin Hatch was out of his cage.
Come on. Morning, sweetheart.
Morning.
What are you gonna do today?
Working in the workshop.
I was thinking.
Maybe you'd feel better
if you got a job.
We've been over this.
Nobody's looking for a puppeteer in
today's wintry economic climate.
I know, honey,
but I thought, you know,
maybe something else until this
puppet thing turns around.
Derek Mantini
doesn't need a day job.
Not everybody can be
Derek Mantini.
I gotta get to the shop.
We have a shipment of kitty litter coming in.
Will you do me a favor?
Will you take a look at Elijah today?
He's not feeling
very good again.
Which one is Elijah again?
- The chimp, honey.
- Yeah, okay.
On the lighter
side of the news,
in Westchester County today
puppeteer Derek Mantini
thrilled onlookers as he
performed The Belle of Amherst
with a 60-foot
Emily Dickinson puppet.
How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell one's
name the livelong day
Gimmicky bastard.
You don't know lucky you are,
being a monkey.
Because consciousness...
is a terrible curse.
I think, I feel, I suffer.
And all I ask in return is the
opportunity to do my work.
And they won't allow it...
Because I raise issues.
While we enjoy the
pleasures of an uneasy love
and abandon ourselves
to fornication,
we were spared God's severity.
Say no more, I beg you,
and cease
from complaints like these
which are so far removed
from the true depths of love.
Look, a puppet show!
Okay, honey, just for a minute.
Mommy's waiting.
Even during
the celebration of Mass,
when our prayers
should be pure,
lewd visions of these pleasures
take such a hold
upon my unhappy soul
that my thoughts are on their very
wantonness instead of my prayers.
Sometimes my thoughts are betrayed
by the movement of my body.
I took my fill of my
wretched pleasures in you
and this was
the sum total of my love.
You motherfucker!
Oh, Craig!
Honey, not again!
Why do you do this
to yourself, honey?
I'm a puppeteer.
Seven and a half, right?
Uh, yeah.
I'll take you through it.
Seven and a half.
Thank you.
Welcome to Lestercorp.
How may we meet your filing needs?
No. Um...
My name's Craig Schwartz.
I have an interview
with Dr. Lester.
Oh. Please have a seat,
Mr. Juarez.
Schwartz.
- Pardon?
- Schwartz.
I...I'm sorry. I have no idea what
you're saying to me right now.
My name is Schwartz.
My name is Warts?
Mr. Juarez?
- Oh. Yes?
- Chest?
I said, "Yes?"
You suggest what?
I'm sorry, I have no time for piddling
suggestions from mumbling job applicants.
Besides,
Dr. Lester will see you now.
Come in, Mr. Juarez.
Actually, my name
is Craig Schwartz, Dr. Lester.
- Security!
- No, sir, it's...
It's just a little mix-up with your secretary.
My name is Craig Schwartz.
I tried to explain that to her.
She's not my secretary.
- She's what they call an executive liaison.
- Ah.
And I am not banging her, if
that's what you're implying.
No, sir, not at all.
I think I must have simply misspoke.
Ah. Well, now,
tell me, Dr. Schwartz, what do you
feel you can bring to Lestercorp?
Uh, well, sir,
I'm an excellent filer.
Are you? All right.
Let's see about that.
Tell me, which of these two letters comes first?
This one or this one?
The symbol on the left
is not a letter, sir.
Damn, you're good.
- I was trying to trick you.
- I see.
Well, then, put these in order.
Yes, sir.
Floris,
get Guinness on the phone.
- Yes, sir.
- Genghis Khan Capone. Fine.
Damn fine woman, Floris.
I don't know how she puts up with
this speech impediment of mine.
You don't have a speech
impediment, Dr. Lester.
Flattery will get you
everywhere, my boy.
I'm afraid I have to trust
Floris on that one.
You see,
she's got her doctorate
in speech impedimentology
from Case Western.
I apologize if you can't
understand a word I'm saying.
No, I understand perfectly.
Oh, it's very kind of you
to lie.
You see, I've been very lonely
in my isolated tower
of indecipherable speech.
You got the job.
Any questions?
Well, just one.
Why are these ceilings so low?
Low overhead, my boy!
We pass the savings on to you.
But seriously, that'll all
be covered in orientation.
Welcome to the seven and a half
floor of the Mertin Flemmer Building.
As you'll now be spending
your work day here,
it is important that you learn a bit
about the history of this famous floor.
Hello, Don. Hello, Wendy.
Don, I was wondering,
do you know why our workplace
has such low ceilings?
It's an interesting story.
Many years ago
in the late 1800s,
James Mertin,
an Irish ship captain,
came to this town and decided
to erect an office building.
He called this building the Mertin
Flemmer Building after himself
and someone else, who local
legend has it was named Flemmer.
Well, one day, old Captain Mertin
received an unexpected visitor.
Captain Mertin?
Aye. What want ye, girl child?
I'm not a child, but rather an adult
lady of miniature proportions.
I see. Well, if it's
charity you're after,
be gone with ye,
you foul demon!
I'm not asking for alms
but, rather, the ear of a
kind man with a noble heart.
Well, speak then, if you must.
Captain Mertin, I'm afraid that
the world was not built
with me in mind.
Doorknobs are too high,
chairs are unwieldy
and high-ceilinged rooms
mock my stature.
Why cannot there be a place for me
to work that's safe and comfortable?
Thy story has moved me
like no other.
Therefore, I shall make ye...
me wife.
And... And I shall build
a floor for ye
between the seventh and the
eighth in me own building
so at least there'll be
one place on God's green earth
where ye and your accursed
kind can live in peace.
So that's the story
of seven and a half.
Since the rents
are considerably lower,
this floor has been adopted
by businesses which,
for one reason or another, have
been forced to cut corners.
After all, the overhead is low.
Moving story, huh?
Unfortunately,
the story's bullshit.
Listen, I'm Craig Schwartz.
I'm just starting out at Lestercorp.
Where are you starting out?
Shut up! Shut up!
Shut up! Shut up!
Hey, shut up!
- Shut up! I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry, honey.
Sorry, honey. Sorry, honey.
- Shut up!
- Sorry!
Help!
She's locking me in a cage.
Isn't that cute?
I just taught him that today.
Yeah, that's adorable.
- You want to do some dishes for me?
- Put that down.
Here, Elijah. Here you go.
You know, I have an appointment
tomorrow with Elijah's shrink.
Uh-huh.
Yeah. I think we're
finally getting down
to the bottom of this
acid stomach, aren't we?
Come here.
Just get down from the...
She thinks that it's
some sort of childhood trauma.
- Feelings of inadequacy as a
chimp, you know? - Mmm-hmm.
Careful.
Isn't that interesting?
Mmm-hmm.
I find it really interesting.
So, honey, have you thought any
more about us having a baby?
Uh...
You know, I think it's just so tough
right now, economically and all...
Mmm-hmm.
...that I think maybe we should just
wait and see if this job thing pays off.
- You know?
- Okay.
I was thinking about
what you were saying
about the orientation film
being bullshit.
Yes?
I think maybe
you're on to something.
And 50 other lines
to get into a girl's pants.
No, no!
No, I was just talking about the...
You know, about the film.
Here's the thing.
If you ever got me,
you wouldn't have a clue
what to do with me.
I wasn't...
I was talking about the film.
Ooh, what magic those fingers could
work on the right cabinet, mmm.
Maybe you could alphabetize me.
And don't forget,
"I" comes before "U."
Floris,
I think you're very nice,
but the truth is that
I'm in love with someone else.
I'm afraid I have no idea
what you're saying to me.
You bastard.
What?
- Don't toy with Floris, Schwartz.
- Oh, no...
If I was 80 years younger,
I'd box your ears.
I wasn't toying with her, sir.
I wouldn't...
Pardon me.
How old are you, sir?
One hundred and five.
Carrot juice, and lots of it.
I swear, sometimes it's not worth it.
I piss orange.
And I have to piss sitting down
like a goddamn girly-girl,
- every 15 minutes.
- Mmm.
But nobody wants to die.
Ah, to be a young man again,
eh, Schwartz?
Maybe then
Floris would care for me.
But the elderly have so much to offer, sir.
They're our link with history.
I don't wanna be
your goddamn link, damn ya.
I want to feel Florie's
naked thighs next to mine.
I want my body to inspire lust in
that beautiful, complex woman.
I want her to shiver with a spasm of ecstasy,
Schwartz, as I penetrate her wet...
Dr. Lester, while I'm flattered you
would share your feelings with me,
perhaps the workplace is not the most suitable
environment for this type of discussion.
All right. You're right.
I'll tell you what. Meet me after work
today at Jerry's Juiceteria on Lex
and I'll spill
my goddamn guts for ya.
No, I won't be late, Lotte.
I just have to, you know,
listen to Lester's sexual fantasies
and drink carrot juice for a while.
It's a job thing, really.
Yeah. So,
I'll talk to you later, okay?
Yeah. You too.
Gotta go back to work.
Okay, bye.
Hi. Do you know that I don't even
know your name or where you work?
Yeah.
Um, okay, how about this?
If I can guess your name
in three tries,
you have to come
have a drink with me tonight.
Why not?
Okay.
You look like a...
Bar...
Ru...
Bell... Lu...
L... Carol...
Ta... Shar...
Susann...
Emm...ily...
Mar...lar...
Maax...ine... M-M-M-Maxine?
Yeah! Who told you?
Nobody told me.
That just came out.
Isn't that odd?
So where do you live and stuff?
I am dubious,
but I don't welsh.
Okay, meet me
at The Stuck Pig, 7:00.
If you're late, I walk.
Nubile. Blonde.
Wet with desire.
Me in leather.
A harness, if you like.
And all eyes, Craig,
are upon me as I speak.
"Ladies," I begin.
"I am the love god Eros."
They like that.
"I intoxicate you.
"My spunk is, to you,
manna from heaven."
Dr. Lester, this is all
really fascinating and stuff,
but I gotta
get back home to my wife.
You have a wife.
I'd like to meet her.
- Yes, sir.
- Shall we say dinner Thursday?
You can come, too, if you like.
Get that? That was a joke.
You hear what I said?
You can come too.
That was a good one.
- All right. Thank you.
- Yeah.
Maxine. Maxine.
- I made it, Maxine.
- Just.
Buy you a drink, Maxine?
Are you married?
Yeah. But enough about me.
Yeah.
What'll you have?
I'll have more of the same,
please, Barry.
And I'll have, uh,
a light beer or something.
Hi.
So, uh...
I don't know... I, uh...
I like you. I don't know what
it is about you. I just...
- My tits?
- No! No, no, no, no.
- No? - It's your energy, attitude,
the way you carry yourself.
You're not a fag, are you?
No. I am
really attracted to you.
"I am really attracted to you."
Christ, you are a fag.
Well, we can share recipes
if you like, Darlene.
No, wait! I love your tits.
I wanna fuck 'em.
Now we're gettin' somewhere.
Not a chance.
So tell me about yourself, huh?
If you can get your mind out of
the gutter long enough, dog boy.
Well, I'm a puppeteer.
- I...I've been...
- Check.
Hey.
Hey.
I'm sorry I'm so late.
I just...
Lester just wouldn't
let me get away.
Hi, Elijah. We're supposed to
have dinner with him on Thursday
but I can get us out of it,
if you want.
He's like this insane old lech,
and it's kind of amusing once you get
past how disgusting it actually is.
- Did you eat?
- No. I'm not hungry.
I'm sorry I didn't call.
It was just hard to get away.
I was worried.
I'm sorry.
You know...
you wanted me to work.
How was your evening?
Well...
Tom-Tom's puncture wound
is infected.
The ferret?
- The iguana.
- Right.
So I just dressed the wound and
I've just been feeding everyone
and putting everybody to bed.
You want a beer?
No. I think
I'm going to go to bed.
Elijah's gonna
sleep with us tonight.
I don't think
he's feeling very well.
- Okay. Hmm.
- Yeah.
Well, you know what? I'm gonna go
in my workshop for a little while.
But I'll be in
in a little while.
Okay.
Tell me, Craig,
why do you love puppeteering?
Well, Maxine,
I'm not sure exactly.
Perhaps it's the idea of becoming
someone else for a little while.
Being inside another skin,
thinking differently,
moving differently,
feeling differently.
Interesting, Craig.
Would you like
to be inside my skin,
think what I think,
feel what I feel?
More than anything, Maxine.
It's good in here, Craig.
It's better than
your wildest dreams.
You're not somebody I could
get interested in, Craig.
You play with dolls.
Puppets, Maxine. It's the idea of
being inside someone else's skin
and seeing what they see
and feeling what they feel.
Yikes!
It's just that, well...
Please let me explain.
I've never
done this before, but...
I feel something for you,
and I've never
felt this way before.
You know, about anybody,
n-not even my wife.
And I just...
I really feel that you and I
belong together, Maxine.
Oh!
Shit.
- See you later.
- Hello. Mail room.
Yeah. Yeah.
What's the file number?
3-2-3-6-4. Yep.
Oh!
Oh, you know what?
The puppeteer told me he loved me today.
I know, I can't think
of anything more pathetic.
I'm sorry.
Good afternoon, sir.
The Broadhurst Theater, please.
Hey, say, uh,
ain't you that actor guy?
Yes.
John, uh... What is, uh...
John, um, uh...
Uh, don't tell me. Maplethorpe?
- Malkovich.
- Malkovich. Right, right. Okay.
Yeah. I thought you were
all right in that one movie.
Thank you.
The one where you played
a jewel thief.
I never played a jewel thief.
No? Who am I thinkin' of?
I don't know.
Just, uh...
No, no, I'm pretty sure it was you.
The, uh... 'Cause, uh...
Yeah. Absolutely, doll.
Yeah.
I'm just about to close up.
Wanna meet at the Pig
in 20 minutes? Cool. Bye.
I'm splitting' for the day,
puppet man.
Lock up for me, okay?
Don't you wanna know
what happened to me?
- No.
- Please, this is important.
Better be.
It is.
There's a tiny door
in my office, Maxine.
It's a portal, and it takes
you inside John Malkovich.
You see the world
through John Malkovich's eyes
and then after about 15
minutes, you're spit out
into a ditch on the side
of the New Jersey Turnpike.
Sounds great!
Who the fuck is John Malkovich?
Oh, he's an actor. He's one of the great
American actors of the 20th century.
Oh, yeah? What's he been in?
Lots of things.
That jewel thief movie, for example.
He's very well respected.
Anyway, the point is
this is a very odd thing.
It's supernatural,
for lack of a better word.
I mean, it raises
all sorts of philosophical-type
questions, you know...
about the nature of self,
about the existence of a soul.
You know, am I me?
Is Malkovich Malkovich?
I had a piece of wood in my hand.
I don't have it anymore.
Where is it? Did it disappear?
How could that be?
Is it still in Malkovich's head?
I don't know!
Do you see what a metaphysical
can of worms this portal is?
I don't see how I could go on living
my life the way I've lived it before.
- Yeah?
- So I've been thinking,
is this Malkovich fellow
appealing?
Maxine! Yes, of course,
Maxine. He's a celebrity.
Good. We'll sell tickets.
Tickets to Malkovich?
Exactly. $200 a pop.
But, Maxine, there's something, I
don't know, like profound here.
I don't know if maybe we
should exploit it. You think?
I need you for this, Craigy.
You're my man on the inside.
You need me?
I'm your man?
Sure, whatever.
Hey, everybody, I'm home.
Treats for everyone.
- Maxine?
- Yeah?
We don't know the significance
of this thing.
It might be dangerous
to toy with?
Well,
I'll protect you, doll face.
Bye-bye.
Who was that?
I'm going to be working a lot of
late nights with this partner
because Lestercorp's open
during the day,
so I'll be working
a lot of late nights.
But it's a good thing, 'cause it's gonna
get us out of the hole financially
'cause we're gonna
turn it into a business.
But I don't understand.
There's not...
There's no such thing as a hole, or
a portal, into somebody's brain.
Yes, there is.
A brain, or soul or whatever.
I was inside John Malkovich
lookin' out.
- Really?
- Yep.
I wanna try it.
Pardon me?
I want to be
John Malkovich, tomorrow.
That'd be perfect, 'cause then
I can meet your partner.
The thing is, Lestercorp's
open during the day,
so we can't go during the day.
But if you want to, we can do it right now.
- Now? Right now?
- Tonight.
Right now,
on the way to Lester's.
I'll meet you on the side of the
road by the New Jersey Turnpike.
I'm scared.
You don't have to do this,
you know.
No. No, I...I wanna go.
- You sure? Okay.
- Yeah.
It's wet.
Weird.
That's nice. Oh!
Oh, mmm!
Oh! Mmm.
God. I feel sexy.
Lotte, are you all right?
Craig! Craig, I gotta go back!
No!
- Maybe tomorrow.
- No! I gotta go back now!
We'll talk about it later.
Being inside
did something to me.
I knew who I was.
It's like everything made sense.
I...I knew who I was.
But you weren't you.
You were John Malkovich.
God, I was. I was, wasn't I?
I was...
I was John Malkovich.
I was... I was
John fucking Malkovich!
Take me back, Craig.
We're late for Lester.
So tell me, Lotte, can you
understand a word I'm saying?
Oh, yes, Dr. Lester.
Absolutely.
You were just explaining
the nutritional value
of ingesting minerals through a colloidal
form which I couldn't agree more with.
Oh! Be still, my heart.
Dr. Lester, would you mind pointing
me in the direction of the restroom?
With the greatest pleasure, my dear.
You go up the grand escalier
and once atop the stairs you'll
want to enter the, uh...
fifth door on my left.
Watch the step down. It's sunken.
Okay. Thank you.
"Malkovich
Physical Development."
What do you think Lester's
relationship with John Malkovich is?
That portal's been boarded up forever.
I bet Lester's not even aware of it.
Him, the portal. Why?
No reason. I was just thinking.
Do you think that it's kind of weird
that John Malkovich has a portal?
Do you think that it might have some
sort of significance, for example?
I don't know.
Why do you think that?
I don't even care.
I think it's kind of sexy that
John Malkovich has a portal.
Sort of like
it's like he's a vagina.
It's sort of vaginal,
like he has a...
he has a penis and a vagina.
It's sort of like
Malkovich's feminine side.
I like that.
"Visit J.M. Inc.
Mertin Flemmer Building.
"Nightly from 9:00 p.m.
to 4:00 a.m."
Sounds good.
Oblique but intriguing.
Phone it in.
- Want me to phone it in?
- No.
Lotte!
Hi. I heard your voice.
What are you doing here?
Is this your partner?
She's pretty.
I had to do the Malkovich ride
again, you know? Is this her?
- Hi. You're Craig's wife?
- Yeah. Hi.
Lotte, Maxine. Maxine, Lotte.
Have you done Malkovich yet?
Uh, hi.
Yeah, I want to place an ad.
Okay. "Ever want to be
someone else?"
No, that's the ad, but we can
talk about you in a minute.
"Ever want to be someone else?
Now you can. Visit J.M. Inc."
Inc. Mertin.
M-E-R-T-I-N. Flemmer.
You should really be at work.
I've been going over and over my
experience last night, Craig.
It was amazing.
I've decided
that I'm a transsexual.
I know it's
the craziest thing, Craig!
What, are you fuckin' nuts?
No. It's just that for the first
time, everything just felt right.
I've got to make sure.
But if the feeling
is still there,
I'm going to talk to Dr.
Feldman about sexual reassignment surgery.
This is absurd!
Besides, Feldman is an allergist.
If you're going to
do something, do it right.
We talked about this
a million times.
You get these half-assed ideas,
and then you do a half-assed job.
Just drop it.
It's just that I really,
you know,
like Dr. Feldman. All right?
So I thought that
I would ask him his opinion.
Is there something
so terrible about that?
Why do you always
yell at me like this?
Sweetie, I'm sorry.
It's just a phase. It's the thrill of
seeing through somebody else's eyes.
Okay? It'll pass.
Don't stand in the way
of my actualization as a man.
Let her go, Craig.
- Okay.
- I mean him.
Right now?
Uh-huh.
It's the middle of the day.
How am I going to get her past Lester?
Yawn. Figure it out.
Okay. Let's go. Come on.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Davey, it's Max.
Listen, can you get me
John Malkovich's home phone?
"But what I had been through.
I am hungry as the winter.
"I am sick, anxious,
poor as a beggar.
"Fate has tossed me
hither and thither.
"I have been everywhere.
Everywhere."
- So strong.
- "But wherever I have been,
- "every minute, day and night...
- I want that voice.
- "my soul has been full of mysterious anticipations.
- My soul has been full...
- of mysterious anticipation.
- "I feel the approach of happiness.
"Anya, I see it coming."
Yeah?
- Mr. John Malkovich?
- Yeah. Who's calling?
Oh, my goodness!
You don't know me,
but I know you.
I'm a great admirer of yours.
How did you get this number?
Well... it's just that I...
I... I dream about you.
And well, even speaking to you now has
gotten me sort of excited, you know?
Wow, the way
this woman's talking to him.
Listen, I really don't
find this amusing.
Don't call here anymore, okay?
Well! My nipples are at attention,
General Malkovich, sir.
What, her nipples?
So, listen, why don't we
have dinner tonight?
Bernardo's? 8:00?
I really want to see you.
I just loved you
in that jewel thief movie.
You're not gonna
meet her there?
Come on!
Meet her. Meet her there.
Meet her there! Meet her there!
I am sick,
anxious, poor as a beggar.
Meet her there! Meet her there!
Meet her there!
Meet her there! Meet her there!
Meet her there!
Everywhere.
But wherever I have been,
every minute, day and night...
Meet her there. Meet her there.
Meet her there.
Yes!
How was it?
I have to go back
at 8:00 exactly, tonight.
Why?
Don't crowd me, Craig.
Excuse me.
Are you John Malkovich?
Yes, I am.
Wow. You really are great in that
movie where you play that retard.
Oh, thank you very much.
I have a cousin who's a retard.
Oh. Thank you.
So, as you might imagine,
it means a lot to me
to see retards
portrayed on the silver
screen so compassionately.
Well, thank you very much.
I appreciate it.
Good night.
Maxine?
- It's Maxine.
- Hi.
I'm so glad
you decided to come.
I'm Maxine.
I'm John. How do you do?
Good.
I wasn't sure
I was going to come...
but I felt, uh,
oddly compelled.
You're so beautiful.
The way you're looking at me...
I mean, at him... At us.
I've never been looked at
like this by a woman before.
I think I'm sweating.
I must say, I was
intrigued by your voice.
And the funny thing is, Mr.
Malkovich, my voice is probably
the least intriguing thing
about me.
So, I mean...
So, how was it?
What was he doing?
He wasn't doing anything
really.
He was just
hanging around his apartment.
I think he's probably just
a really, uh, lonely guy.
See, men can feel
unfulfilled, too, Lotte.
I'm glad you're coming
to realize that.
You shouldn't be so quick to
assume that switching bodies
is gonna be the answer
to your problems.
You're right, Craig.
You're right.
You know what I was thinking?
I was thinking that maybe
we should invite Maxine
over for dinner one night
because you guys are partners and I thought
that might be a really nice gesture.
I think she'd like that.
- Maxine?
- What?
The thing is, there's been some
tension between us at work,
business stuff,
and I would hate to
expose you to that.
It'll be okay.
I'll cook my lasagna,
we'll smoke a joint,
and tensions
will just melt away.
Now, when you say that I can be somebody
else, what do you mean exactly?
Well, we mean exactly that.
We can put you inside someone
else's body for 15 minutes.
Can I be anybody
that I wanna be?
Well... You... Actually...
You can be John Malkovich.
That's perfect!
It's my second choice,
but it's wonderful. It's...
I'm a fat man.
- I am sad and fat...
- $200?
Oh. Oh, uh, yes.
- Okay.
- You gotta crawl in there.
Oh, my God.
No, that's what I'm saying.
See, I don't really need
an extra bathmat.
So if I get the set,
would it be possible
if I could just get maybe
three extra hand towels...
Uh, if I get the set
instead of the bathmat?
- Yes, sir.
- Sure, we can do that.
Great. That sounds good.
And for the color, periwinkle?
Oh, I'm sorry.
We're out of stock in periwinkle.
Do you want to back order?
No. I'll, uh,
go with the loden.
Would you like to order
anything else?
What is the difference between the
foot-pampering looped cotton rug
and the bathmat?
You're my friends. Thank you.
Did you know that
Eskimos have not one,
but, 49 words for snow?
Mmm.
It's because
they have so much of it.
So much snow.
After dinner,
I'll show you my puppets.
Ah.
After dinner, I'll introduce
you to my chimp Elijah.
He has an ulcer right now due
to suppressed childhood trauma.
But we're working through it.
Psychotherapy.
Oh.
This the bedroom?
Yeah.
The thing is,
the way that I see it,
is, I think
the world is divided
into those
who go after what they want
- and then those who don't, right?
- Right.
The passionate ones, the ones
who go after what they want,
well, they may not get
what they want.
But, at least
they remain vital.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So when they lie on their death
beds, they have, um, few regrets.
Right?
And the ones who don't
go after what they want,
well, who gives a shit
about them, anyway?
- God! Craig!
- Lotte!
I don't find you attractive,
hmm? And, Lotte,
I'm smitten with you.
I am, but only
when you're in Malkovich.
When I looked into his eyes last
night, I could feel you peering out.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Behind the stubble
and the too prominent brow
and the male-pattern baldness,
I sensed your feminine longing.
And it just slew me.
Oh, my God!
Oh!
Only as John, sweetie.
Sorry.
Hey, thanks for
a wonderful dinner.
No hard feelings, partner?
- J.M. Inc.
- Hi. It's Lotte.
I'd like very much
to see you again.
Can you call him
and invite yourself over?
Um, when?
Mmm, tonight, after you close?
Okay, uh, 4:11.
4:11?
Thank you, Maxine.
You're welcome.
Thanks so much for having
me over, sugarplum.
I'm glad you called.
Shall we to the boudoir?
A couple of minutes. I'm early.
So do...do you enjoy being
an actor?
Sure. Yeah.
It's...it's very rewarding.
Hi.
Hi.
Oh, my sweet Maxine.
- My darling.
- I love you, Lotte.
Did you call me Lotte?
Do you mind?
No, not really.
- Oh!
- Oh, God.
- My sweet, beautiful Lotte.
- Oh!
Oh, Maxine!
Yes, Maxine. Yes.
Maxine, this is...
this is so right.
Oh! Oh, God.
- Yes! Wow!
- Yes! Wow!
You were him, weren't you?
Yeah.
And he was with her!
We love her, Craig.
"We"?
John and me.
Don't forget about me!
Well, you have the Maxine
action figure to play with!
I'm sorry. That was nasty.
You are late, my little cowboy.
Are you torturing me
on purpose?
I've fallen in love.
I don't think so.
You know why?
Because I've fallen in love!
And this is what people who
have fallen in love look like.
Well, you picked
the unrequited variety.
It's very bad for the skin.
You're evil, Maxine.
Do you have any idea what it's like
to have two people look at you
with total lust and devotion
through the same pair of eyes?
Wow.
No, I don't suppose you would.
It's quite a thrill, Craigy.
Ahh! What are you doing?
Oh, my God! Is that real?
- Yes!
- What is that?
I don't know
how to use it very well,
so don't make any sudden moves!
I'm serious! I'm serious.
Suck my dick!
Shut up, okay? Just shut up.
Craig!
J.M. Inc. Be all
that someone else can be.
I need to see you.
Sweetie!
Oh, I had so much fun
with you last night.
Shoot. But it's business hours.
Tell her what the hell,
close early, live dangerously.
Say it.
What the hell, you know?
Live dangerously. Close early.
Ooh, doll.
I love this new
devil-may-care side of you.
All righty. I'll track down lover boy
and see both of you in one hour.
Exactamundo.
Craig!
What's the matter with you?
Stop it!
Sit up, okay?
Just sit up. Just sit up.
Help!
He's locking me in a cage!
Shut up!
Shut up!
Was ever woman
in this humor wooed?
Was ever woman
in this humor won?
Tommy, can I take 15?
- Good night, everybody.
- See you back here at 9:00 p.m. tomorrow.
Oh!
Oh, Lotte.
Lotte, this is so good!
- My God! This is amazing.
- Lotte!
I want to touch her breast.
Touch her breast.
Move right hand
across left breast now.
- Lotte! - Move right hand
across left breast now!
Move right hand
across left breast now.
Holy shit, yes!
Holy shit, yes!
Holy shit, he said what I said!
Shit, he said what I said!
Lotte? Is that you?
Yes, yes, sweetheart.
Yes, sweetheart, yes.
What the fuck is going on?
That's not me!
I didn't say that.
Oh, Lotte.
Oh, Maxine. Oh...
Something was making me talk.
Some goddamn thing
was making me move.
- I've gotta get out of here.
- Oh, doll face!
It was just, uh, your
passion for me taking hold.
No, doll face. I know what my
passion taking hold feels like.
Bye!
I did it!
I made him move his arms across
your girlfriend's glorious tit!
Oh, and
I made him talk sort of.
It's just a matter of practice
before Malkovich is nothing more than another
puppet hanging next to my work table.
I'll tell you about it when I
get home, okay? All right?
- Craig! Craig!
- I wanna...
No, man, I'm sorry to...
I'm sorry to have
called you like that,
but I was just really,
really scared.
I was so freaked out.
I mean, it was like somebody was
just moving all the way through me,
moving my arms, moving my
hands, talking for me.
I mean, literally, I feel
like I'm going crazy, Charlie.
I'm sure
you're not going crazy.
You don't understand, man.
It was like nothing I've ever felt before.
Yeah, yada, yada, yada.
Were you stoned?
Yes. Yes, I was... Jesus.
Yes! Yes, I was stoned.
But what... That doesn't have
anything to do with it.
Charlie, someone was talking
through my mouth.
You were stoned.
Case closed. End of story.
- How hot is this babe?
- You know what?
Maybe it was this
Lotte woman talking
because it could have been her
talking through me.
Because this...
The weird thing is this Maxine
likes to call me Lotte.
Ouch. That is hot.
Maybe she's using you to channel
some dead, lesbian lover.
Sounds like my kind of gal.
Let me know when you're done with her, yeah?
What are you talking about? Done with her, man?
Tonight really freaked me out.
You're nuts to let a girl go
that calls you Lotte.
I'll tell you that as a friend.
Charlie, I don't know
anything about the girl.
She could be, like,
a fucking witch or something.
That's even better!
Hot, lesbian witches. Think about it.
It's fucking genius.
I gotta know the truth,
Charlie.
The truth is for suckers,
Johnny boy.
Thanks.
Excuse me, sir.
Exactly what, uh, type of service
does this company provide?
You get to be John Malkovich
for 15 minutes.
Two hundred clams.
I see.
- No cutting, by the way. No cutting!
- Hey, what the hell?
Come on! Break it up!
Break it up! Cut it out!
Everybody gets...
- It's him.
- It's John Malkovich.
I'm sorry, Mr. Malkovich.
I hope we didn't hurt you too terribly.
Get inside!
- Darling!
- What the fuck is going on?
- Uh, uh, John Malkovich.
- Huh?
Mr. Malkovich, sir.
Mr. Malkovich,
I think I can explain.
Yeah, explain.
My name is Craig Schwartz
and we operate
a little business here
that simulates,
for our clientele, well, the...
the experience of... of...
of being you, actually.
Simulates?
Yeah, after a fashion.
What exactly does that mean?
Well, it's hard to describe.
I want to do it then.
That would pale in comparison
to the actual experience.
I want to do it!
Right now
Mr. Hiroshi's in the tube...
Let him do it, Craig.
Of course.
Right this way, Mr. Malkovich,
compliments of the house.
Jesus.
What happens when a man
goes through his own portal?
We'll see.
Malkovich.
Malkovich, Malkovich.
Malkovich, Malkovich.
Malkovich, Malkovich,
Malkovich?
Malkovich, Malkovich.
Malkovich?
Malkovich!
Malkovich.
Malkovich.
Malkovich. Malkovich.
Malkovich!
Malkovich, Malkovich
Malkovich, Malkovich
- Malkovich.
- Malkovich.
- Malkovich.
- Malkovich.
Malkovich, Malkovich
Malkovich, Malkovich
- Malkovich, Malkovich
- Malkovich!
How was it?
It was amazing this time.
That was no simulation!
I know. I'm sorry.
It's such an honor.
I have been to the dark side.
I have seen a world
that no man should see!
Really? For most people, it's
a rather pleasant experience.
That portal is mine,
and it must be sealed forever
for the love of God.
But, Mr. Malkovich, sir,
with all due respect,
I discovered that portal.
It's my livelihood. Do you understand?
It's my head, Schwartz!
It's my head!
I will see you in court!
What makes you think I won't be
seeing what you're seeing in court?
Hey, Malkovich, think fast!
Fuck!
Dinner.
You know, Craig, once this was
a relationship built on love.
Well, you gave up that claim
after the first time you stuck
your dick in Maxine, Lotte.
You fell in love with her
first, Craig.
Yeah, but I didn't do anything about
it, out of respect for our marriage.
You didn't do anything
about it, Craig,
out of respect for the fact that she wouldn't
let you near her with a ten-foot pole!
That's true.
God, Lotte, what have I become?
My wife in a cage
with a monkey.
Craig. I need to go to the
bathroom and take a shower.
What am I,
some kind of monster?
I don't want to be a monster,
Lotte. I don't want to.
Craig, you're not a monster.
No.
I know you're not a monster,
honey.
You're just... You're just
a very, very confused man.
I love you so much.
I love you.
Come on, Craig.
- J.M. Inc.
- Maxine?
Lotte.
I've been thinking about us,
you know? And, uh...
We have to meet.
Um, okay. I'll see you in
Malkovich in one hour.
Craig!
I hate you.
Oh, Elijah!
You really are magnificent.
- J.M. Inc.
- Maxine!
Honey pie! I was just heading
out the door to meet you.
No, listen, Maxine.
It hasn't been me in Malkovich the last time.
It's been that
son of a bitch, Craig.
He's had me locked in the cage
with my chimp,
- holding a gun to my head.
He made me call you. - Oh, my God!
I'm sorry, Maxine.
It's been him the whole time.
I'm so sorry. That's horrible.
I miss you so much, Maxine.
So... But...
Okay, that was Craig
inside of Malkovich?
Yes, it was him.
It's because he's a puppeteer, I think.
Well, boy, I'm, uh...
I'm surprised.
That's pretty impressive.
What?
So if Craig
can control Malkovich,
- and I can control Craig...
- But, Maxine,
I thought it was me
that you loved!
I do.
It's confusing, you know?
This is a very confusing situation.
I know.
Listen, I
should really get going, okay?
- 'Cause I'm gonna be late
for Malkovich now. - No.
What?
We'll talk about this later,
Lotte.
Maxine! Wait!
- Okay?
- Maxine!
What the fuck do you want?
I can explain
about the portal, darling.
Listen, don't con me, Maxine.
I don't know
who the hell you people are,
but this insanity is now over.
Oh, shut up.
Craigy. Craig.
Schwartzy, are you in there?
How did you know it was me?
Lotte called me.
She escaped your evil clutches.
Really? Well, I'm really sorry
I did that, Maxine,
but I'm
really in love with you,
and I didn't know
how else to be with you.
Hmm.
Apparently you can control
this Malkovich fellow now?
Yes, I'm getting
better all the time.
I'll say you are.
Hey, let's do it
on his dining room table.
Then we'll make him
eat an omelet off of it.
No!
Shut up,
you overrated sack of shit!
Craigy.
Yes?
Hi, Dr. Lester.
It's Lotte Schwartz,
Craig's wife.
Oh! Yes. Oh, my God.
You'll catch your death out here.
Look at you. You're soaking wet.
Please come in, come in.
Here you are, my dear.
Thank you.
How's that?
Much better, thank you.
So, my dear, what is it that
brings you to my doorway
on such
an inhospitable evening?
Well, Dr. Lester,
see, I, uh...
I have a very unhealthy
obsession with John Malkovich.
I see.
You mean, the performer.
Yes.
And what prompted you
to come to me with this issue?
Well, when I was here
with my husband for dinner,
I came upon a room that seemed to be
some sort of John Malkovich museum.
So I thought
perhaps maybe you would
have some appreciation
for my state of mind.
You look so lovely, my dear,
standing here before the fire
in my oversized man's robe.
Thank you, Dr. Lester.
Tell me,
what is this strange power
that Malkovich exudes?
You've gotta help me
understand because
all I think about
is wanting to be him.
- Wanting to what?
- Wanting to be him.
Wanting to be John Malkovich.
Oh, I see.
Well, perhaps you can.
But, Dr. Lester...
I am not Dr. Lester.
I am Captain Mertin.
I don't understand.
It was 90 years ago that I
discovered a strange portal.
And... And I found that this
portal led to a vessel body
and that I could live forever by
leaping from vessel to vessel.
So Dr. Lester is such a vessel?
Yes, he is.
You still there, sweets?
Hmm.
I figured out how to hang on
as long as I want.
It's all a matter of making
friends with the Malkovich body.
Rather than thinking of it as an enemy
that has to be pounded into submission,
I've begun imagining it as a really
expensive suit that I enjoy wearing.
Ah, this illustrates how I will move
into my next vessel, Malkovich,
on his 44th birthday.
That's when he becomes ripe.
But I must enter
by midnight on that day.
After that, I'd get diverted into the
next newly forming infant vessel.
I don't want that to happen.
I'd be absorbed.
Absorbed? What does that mean?
Well, uh, trapped, held prisoner,
if you like, in the host's brain,
unable to control anything,
forever doomed to watch the world
through someone else's eyes.
Now I'd like you
to meet some friends.
See, I got lonely
in Lester by myself,
so I figured out a way this time
to take others along with me.
Come.
Everyone, this is Lotte.
Hi, Lotte!
She's a new friend of mine.
Do a puppet show for me,
Craig, honey.
You mean, with Malkovich?
- I'd love to see your work.
- Really?
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah?
Okay.
This is something that I call "Craig's
Dance of Despair and Disillusionment."
That was incredible!
You're... You're brilliant!
You see, Maxine, it isn't
just playing with dolls.
Oh, my darling,
it's so much more!
It's playing with people.
Stay in him forever.
My darling, how will we make
a living if our clientele
doesn't have access
to our product?
Well, we'll have all the money
in Malkovich's bank account,
plus he does get
acting work occasionally.
No, please!
Shut up!
We're trying to think here.
Gee!
It is... It is sort of
like puppeteering.
I-I-I like that about it.
Exactly!
And no one would ever even
have to know it's not him.
And I could use
Malkovich's existing notoriety
to launch my own
puppeteering career.
Oh, Craigy.
Craigy, that's brilliant.
Oh. Oh.
So lovely.
I've always wondered what it
would be like to have a penis.
- Now I'll know.
- Really?
- I know it's very...
- Lotte?
We like you.
We can see you're a kind
and decent woman
and so,
we've decided to offer you a
place in John Malkovich with us,
if you like.
Dr. Lester,
you've been so kind to me
and trusting.
And there's just something I think you
should know about the Malkovich vessel.
- John's here to see you.
- Should I send him in?
Of course send him right in.
Don't ever keep him waiting again, you understand?
Hey, John.
Great to see you.
Sorry about the cunt
at reception.
This is my fiancee, Maxine.
Oh, great to see you, Maxine.
Sorry about the cunt
at reception.
Please, have a seat.
Can I get you anything?
Coffee? Water?
No, thank you.
- Teresa, get me chicken soup.
- Okay.
Chicken soup? Chicken soup?
Larry? Uh, I want to
get right to the point.
From now on, I'm no longer an actor.
I'm a puppeteer.
Okay. Great.
And I would like
to redirect my career
so that from now on
the name John Malkovich,
will be synonymous
with puppets.
Sure. Sure. No problemo.
Poof, you're a puppeteer.
Just let me
make a couple calls.
Honey?
Maxine? Maxine?
I'm busy.
Maxine, honey, it's on!
Yeah, there's the truth,
and there are lies
and, uh, art always tells the
truth, even when it's lying.
The enigmatic John Malkovich,
one of the world's
greatest entertainers
and the man who reinvented
how we view puppeteering.
Tonight we look at the man
above the strings
and the woman behind the man.
Raised in Evanston, Illinois, Malkovich
had a lifelong interest in theater arts
and as a young man was
one of the founding members
of Chicago's world-renowned
Steppenwolf Theatre Company.
From there, it was a simple
hop, skip and a jump
to Broadway accolades
and Hollywood stardom.
But nothing could prepare the
public for what was to come next.
And so it was that just
eight short months ago,
John Malkovich
dropped the bombshell
that sent shock waves through
the entertainment community.
Turning his back on
his former profession,
Malkovich had to
start from scratch
and pay his dues all over again
as a fledgling puppeteer.
Hello, ladies and
gentlemen, I'm John Malkovich.
It's... It's the... I miss...
I'm really John Malkovich.
From these
inauspicious beginnings...
John Malkovich's rise to
stardom was fast and furious.
His breakout performance occurred
at this year's Emmy Awards...
It's really good!
I look really amazing.
I'd fuck me.
If there's anything
that upsets me about it,
it's feeling like
if I move into it too quickly,
I'll be, you know,
deemed an imitator.
But, um, I think that once
we all get the courage
to just follow through on our
instincts, like Malkovich has,
I think that, uh, a lot of us
will move into puppetry.
Malkovich's rise to fame
brought about
a renaissance in puppeteering.
No, no, no. What are you doing?
What are you doing?
I'm making him weep, John.
You're making him weep,
but you are not weeping.
Don't ever with your audience.
Until the... the puppet becomes an
extension of you, it's a novelty act.
It's, uh... It's Topo Gigio.
No?
He's a technical genius.
He breathes life
into inanimate objects.
It's a very godlike thing to
be able to take something and,
you know, make it live.
He was the talk of the
town from the Beltway to Broadway
aided in no small part by his new
wife and manager, Maxine Lund.
In Maxine,
Malkovich had found his mentor
his muse, his inspiration.
In Malkovich, Maxine had
found the love of her life.
There, there, my dear. Relax.
This travesty will all
be over with by morning.
And the crowds have been
absolutely sensational
and, um, I'd just like to thank God
for giving us this opportunity
to share our creative vision.
Nothing was impossible
for John and Maxine
in the early days.
Their union was a joyous one,
and together
they worked tirelessly
to further Malkovich's
puppeteering career.
John Malkovich, the artist,
and Maxine, the entrepreneur,
they make this character,
this protean figure
that we call John Malkovich.
But some say Maxine has changed
since becoming pregnant,
recoiling from the limelight
and, rumor has it,
from her husband's affections.
I'm so sorry.
Malkovich shows us
a reflection of ourselves,
our frailties
and our, you know,
desperate humanity.
That's what makes him one of the
most relevant artists of our time.
And what does the future
hold for John Horatio Malkovich?
Well, to quote the Bard, "He's
got the world on a string."
As the poet said,
"The puppeteer's voice need not
merely be the record of man.
"It can be one of the pillars,
the props,
"to help him endure
and prevail."
And I believe that.
It's over!
Max?
I've gotta head down
to ABT now.
I've got the Swan Lake
benefit tonight, okay?
But when I come back, we can maybe
celebrate Malkovich's big four-four.
Okay?
Jesus! Why couldn't I have found
the portal to a younger body?
What if I... What if I
fall tonight and break my hip?
Like that, little girl?
Huh, lamb?
I love you.
Bravo!
Maxine?
Ma...
Hello? Hello?
We have Maxine.
Oh! My God.
Please, please, don't hurt her.
Listen, I'll... I'll give you
anything you want. Please.
You listen to me, asshole.
I don't want your fucking money.
What I want is for you
to leave John Malkovich now!
Who... Who is this, Lester?
Does it matter?
We're gonna kill Maxine if you
don't leave the body immediately!
But I-I-I can't do that.
I mean, if-if I leave Malkovich,
then I'm Craig Schwartz again.
No career, no money.
Maxine will have
nothing to do...
She barely has anything
to do with me now.
Jesus, we're going to kill your
wife, you fucking lunatic!
God.
Listen, Schwartz,
Malkovich is our vessel.
We're old. We're going to die if
we don't get into him by midni...
He called our bluff.
Shit!
Can't we just go inside the
portal and push Craig out?
No, he's much too powerful.
Schwartz would just jam us down
into Malkovich's subconscious.
Lotte.
If I can't have you,
no one will.
Lotte, no!
No, Lotte! God, no,
we can't really kill her!
She's carrying Malkovich's seed!
Our next vessel!
Hey! Help me!
Help me!
Where the fuck am I?
We're in
Malkovich's subconscious.
The last thing
you'll ever see, Maxine.
Fag-o-vitch!
Johnny, baby, Johnny.
- I am bad. I am bad. I am bad.
- I am bad. I am bad. I am bad.
I am bad. I am bad.
I am bad. I am bad. I am bad.
I am bad. I am bad. I am bad.
Maxine, I am gonna kill you!
You're creepy.
- Little Johnny Malk-o-pee!
- Little Johnny Malk-o-pee!
Wet his pants so all could see!
Little Johnny Malk-o-pee!
Little Johnny Malk-o-pee!
Wet his pants so all could see!
I loved you so much!
Oh! Why did you have to
hurt me like that?
I'm sorry, Lotte.
I guess I loved you, too,
in my way.
You are so full of shit,
Maxine!
I know.
I know!
It's your baby, okay?
What?
The baby, it's yours.
It's ours. I got pregnant
when you were in Malkovich.
You cannot fuck with me
anymore, Maxine!
I'm not!
I kept it because I knew
you were the father,
the other mother, whatever,
because I...
Because it was yours.
So we're parents?
Together?
Yeah.
Say, uh,
aren't you John Malkovich?
- No.
- Yeah, you are.
No.
I can't believe
you're in this shithole, man.
You guys know
this is John Malkovich?
I'm not John Malkovich.
This is John Malkovich...
I am not John Malkovich!
Cut it out, you guys.
- Yes?
- Lester, please don't do it.
Please don't kill Maxine.
So you'll leave?
Yes, I said...
I, uh...I am leaving.
All right. Do it now while I'm
on the phone so I can hear
and your lovely bride walks.
Uh... Okay. Okay.
I'm going.
Now, my friends.
The time is now.
I'm free.
I'm back! I'm...
Lotte.
Ooh!
Hello. Hello, young lady.
We're...
Malk...
We're Malkovich.
Hey! Hey!
Maxine! I did it, Maxine!
I left Malkovich for you,
sweetie!
It's no good being Malkovich
without you.
It proves I love you!
- Fuck off, Craig!
- Doesn't it?
He's not with us.
Maxine, I love you!
I'm gonna go right back
into Malkovich
and I'm gonna kick Lester out!
And then you'll love me again!
Maxine! Maxine!
Ma-Sheen.
Hey. Malcatraz.
Uh, how are you?
- I'm very well. And you?
- Good, good.
- You look well.
- Thank you.
- How's Celeste?
- She's good, yeah.
She's sorry she couldn't make it today.
She had to go to the store.
Oh, that's okay.
Charlie, hi!
I didn't even hear the door.
Lookin' great, Flo.
I'm looking grateful?
Charlie, we are not
getting any younger.
Well, don't rub it in.
Listen, Charlie, I know this
is going to sound crazy,
but what would you think
if I told you
that I'd found a way for us
to live forever? All of us.
Johnny boy,
what are you talking about?
All of us. Celeste, Floris, you, me.
Gary Sinise maybe.
I don't really understand.
Charlie, this is Emily.
Isn't she lovely?
- Hey, pass the Cheetos.
- You need more puffs?
No, I want more.
Okeydoke.
They're covered in grease.
Shut up.
Can I swim yet?
- Can you swim yet?
- What time is it?
Shall we do the cramp test?
Check her.
Let me see. Are you gonna throw up?
Let me see!
Are you gonna throw up?
Are you gonna vomit?
Okay, you can swim.
Maxine.
Maxine.
I love you, Maxine.
Oh, look away.
Look away.
Look away. Look away.
Look away. Look away.
Look away.
it's time for bed.
Craig, honey, time to get up.
Craig, honey, time to get up.
Craig, honey, time to get up.
- Craig, honey, time to get up.
- Lotte.
I'm sorry. I didn't know
Orrin Hatch was out of his cage.
Come on. Morning, sweetheart.
Morning.
What are you gonna do today?
Working in the workshop.
I was thinking.
Maybe you'd feel better
if you got a job.
We've been over this.
Nobody's looking for a puppeteer in
today's wintry economic climate.
I know, honey,
but I thought, you know,
maybe something else until this
puppet thing turns around.
Derek Mantini
doesn't need a day job.
Not everybody can be
Derek Mantini.
I gotta get to the shop.
We have a shipment of kitty litter coming in.
Will you do me a favor?
Will you take a look at Elijah today?
He's not feeling
very good again.
Which one is Elijah again?
- The chimp, honey.
- Yeah, okay.
On the lighter
side of the news,
in Westchester County today
puppeteer Derek Mantini
thrilled onlookers as he
performed The Belle of Amherst
with a 60-foot
Emily Dickinson puppet.
How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell one's
name the livelong day
Gimmicky bastard.
You don't know lucky you are,
being a monkey.
Because consciousness...
is a terrible curse.
I think, I feel, I suffer.
And all I ask in return is the
opportunity to do my work.
And they won't allow it...
Because I raise issues.
While we enjoy the
pleasures of an uneasy love
and abandon ourselves
to fornication,
we were spared God's severity.
Say no more, I beg you,
and cease
from complaints like these
which are so far removed
from the true depths of love.
Look, a puppet show!
Okay, honey, just for a minute.
Mommy's waiting.
Even during
the celebration of Mass,
when our prayers
should be pure,
lewd visions of these pleasures
take such a hold
upon my unhappy soul
that my thoughts are on their very
wantonness instead of my prayers.
Sometimes my thoughts are betrayed
by the movement of my body.
I took my fill of my
wretched pleasures in you
and this was
the sum total of my love.
You motherfucker!
Oh, Craig!
Honey, not again!
Why do you do this
to yourself, honey?
I'm a puppeteer.
Seven and a half, right?
Uh, yeah.
I'll take you through it.
Seven and a half.
Thank you.
Welcome to Lestercorp.
How may we meet your filing needs?
No. Um...
My name's Craig Schwartz.
I have an interview
with Dr. Lester.
Oh. Please have a seat,
Mr. Juarez.
Schwartz.
- Pardon?
- Schwartz.
I...I'm sorry. I have no idea what
you're saying to me right now.
My name is Schwartz.
My name is Warts?
Mr. Juarez?
- Oh. Yes?
- Chest?
I said, "Yes?"
You suggest what?
I'm sorry, I have no time for piddling
suggestions from mumbling job applicants.
Besides,
Dr. Lester will see you now.
Come in, Mr. Juarez.
Actually, my name
is Craig Schwartz, Dr. Lester.
- Security!
- No, sir, it's...
It's just a little mix-up with your secretary.
My name is Craig Schwartz.
I tried to explain that to her.
She's not my secretary.
- She's what they call an executive liaison.
- Ah.
And I am not banging her, if
that's what you're implying.
No, sir, not at all.
I think I must have simply misspoke.
Ah. Well, now,
tell me, Dr. Schwartz, what do you
feel you can bring to Lestercorp?
Uh, well, sir,
I'm an excellent filer.
Are you? All right.
Let's see about that.
Tell me, which of these two letters comes first?
This one or this one?
The symbol on the left
is not a letter, sir.
Damn, you're good.
- I was trying to trick you.
- I see.
Well, then, put these in order.
Yes, sir.
Floris,
get Guinness on the phone.
- Yes, sir.
- Genghis Khan Capone. Fine.
Damn fine woman, Floris.
I don't know how she puts up with
this speech impediment of mine.
You don't have a speech
impediment, Dr. Lester.
Flattery will get you
everywhere, my boy.
I'm afraid I have to trust
Floris on that one.
You see,
she's got her doctorate
in speech impedimentology
from Case Western.
I apologize if you can't
understand a word I'm saying.
No, I understand perfectly.
Oh, it's very kind of you
to lie.
You see, I've been very lonely
in my isolated tower
of indecipherable speech.
You got the job.
Any questions?
Well, just one.
Why are these ceilings so low?
Low overhead, my boy!
We pass the savings on to you.
But seriously, that'll all
be covered in orientation.
Welcome to the seven and a half
floor of the Mertin Flemmer Building.
As you'll now be spending
your work day here,
it is important that you learn a bit
about the history of this famous floor.
Hello, Don. Hello, Wendy.
Don, I was wondering,
do you know why our workplace
has such low ceilings?
It's an interesting story.
Many years ago
in the late 1800s,
James Mertin,
an Irish ship captain,
came to this town and decided
to erect an office building.
He called this building the Mertin
Flemmer Building after himself
and someone else, who local
legend has it was named Flemmer.
Well, one day, old Captain Mertin
received an unexpected visitor.
Captain Mertin?
Aye. What want ye, girl child?
I'm not a child, but rather an adult
lady of miniature proportions.
I see. Well, if it's
charity you're after,
be gone with ye,
you foul demon!
I'm not asking for alms
but, rather, the ear of a
kind man with a noble heart.
Well, speak then, if you must.
Captain Mertin, I'm afraid that
the world was not built
with me in mind.
Doorknobs are too high,
chairs are unwieldy
and high-ceilinged rooms
mock my stature.
Why cannot there be a place for me
to work that's safe and comfortable?
Thy story has moved me
like no other.
Therefore, I shall make ye...
me wife.
And... And I shall build
a floor for ye
between the seventh and the
eighth in me own building
so at least there'll be
one place on God's green earth
where ye and your accursed
kind can live in peace.
So that's the story
of seven and a half.
Since the rents
are considerably lower,
this floor has been adopted
by businesses which,
for one reason or another, have
been forced to cut corners.
After all, the overhead is low.
Moving story, huh?
Unfortunately,
the story's bullshit.
Listen, I'm Craig Schwartz.
I'm just starting out at Lestercorp.
Where are you starting out?
Shut up! Shut up!
Shut up! Shut up!
Hey, shut up!
- Shut up! I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry, honey.
Sorry, honey. Sorry, honey.
- Shut up!
- Sorry!
Help!
She's locking me in a cage.
Isn't that cute?
I just taught him that today.
Yeah, that's adorable.
- You want to do some dishes for me?
- Put that down.
Here, Elijah. Here you go.
You know, I have an appointment
tomorrow with Elijah's shrink.
Uh-huh.
Yeah. I think we're
finally getting down
to the bottom of this
acid stomach, aren't we?
Come here.
Just get down from the...
She thinks that it's
some sort of childhood trauma.
- Feelings of inadequacy as a
chimp, you know? - Mmm-hmm.
Careful.
Isn't that interesting?
Mmm-hmm.
I find it really interesting.
So, honey, have you thought any
more about us having a baby?
Uh...
You know, I think it's just so tough
right now, economically and all...
Mmm-hmm.
...that I think maybe we should just
wait and see if this job thing pays off.
- You know?
- Okay.
I was thinking about
what you were saying
about the orientation film
being bullshit.
Yes?
I think maybe
you're on to something.
And 50 other lines
to get into a girl's pants.
No, no!
No, I was just talking about the...
You know, about the film.
Here's the thing.
If you ever got me,
you wouldn't have a clue
what to do with me.
I wasn't...
I was talking about the film.
Ooh, what magic those fingers could
work on the right cabinet, mmm.
Maybe you could alphabetize me.
And don't forget,
"I" comes before "U."
Floris,
I think you're very nice,
but the truth is that
I'm in love with someone else.
I'm afraid I have no idea
what you're saying to me.
You bastard.
What?
- Don't toy with Floris, Schwartz.
- Oh, no...
If I was 80 years younger,
I'd box your ears.
I wasn't toying with her, sir.
I wouldn't...
Pardon me.
How old are you, sir?
One hundred and five.
Carrot juice, and lots of it.
I swear, sometimes it's not worth it.
I piss orange.
And I have to piss sitting down
like a goddamn girly-girl,
- every 15 minutes.
- Mmm.
But nobody wants to die.
Ah, to be a young man again,
eh, Schwartz?
Maybe then
Floris would care for me.
But the elderly have so much to offer, sir.
They're our link with history.
I don't wanna be
your goddamn link, damn ya.
I want to feel Florie's
naked thighs next to mine.
I want my body to inspire lust in
that beautiful, complex woman.
I want her to shiver with a spasm of ecstasy,
Schwartz, as I penetrate her wet...
Dr. Lester, while I'm flattered you
would share your feelings with me,
perhaps the workplace is not the most suitable
environment for this type of discussion.
All right. You're right.
I'll tell you what. Meet me after work
today at Jerry's Juiceteria on Lex
and I'll spill
my goddamn guts for ya.
No, I won't be late, Lotte.
I just have to, you know,
listen to Lester's sexual fantasies
and drink carrot juice for a while.
It's a job thing, really.
Yeah. So,
I'll talk to you later, okay?
Yeah. You too.
Gotta go back to work.
Okay, bye.
Hi. Do you know that I don't even
know your name or where you work?
Yeah.
Um, okay, how about this?
If I can guess your name
in three tries,
you have to come
have a drink with me tonight.
Why not?
Okay.
You look like a...
Bar...
Ru...
Bell... Lu...
L... Carol...
Ta... Shar...
Susann...
Emm...ily...
Mar...lar...
Maax...ine... M-M-M-Maxine?
Yeah! Who told you?
Nobody told me.
That just came out.
Isn't that odd?
So where do you live and stuff?
I am dubious,
but I don't welsh.
Okay, meet me
at The Stuck Pig, 7:00.
If you're late, I walk.
Nubile. Blonde.
Wet with desire.
Me in leather.
A harness, if you like.
And all eyes, Craig,
are upon me as I speak.
"Ladies," I begin.
"I am the love god Eros."
They like that.
"I intoxicate you.
"My spunk is, to you,
manna from heaven."
Dr. Lester, this is all
really fascinating and stuff,
but I gotta
get back home to my wife.
You have a wife.
I'd like to meet her.
- Yes, sir.
- Shall we say dinner Thursday?
You can come, too, if you like.
Get that? That was a joke.
You hear what I said?
You can come too.
That was a good one.
- All right. Thank you.
- Yeah.
Maxine. Maxine.
- I made it, Maxine.
- Just.
Buy you a drink, Maxine?
Are you married?
Yeah. But enough about me.
Yeah.
What'll you have?
I'll have more of the same,
please, Barry.
And I'll have, uh,
a light beer or something.
Hi.
So, uh...
I don't know... I, uh...
I like you. I don't know what
it is about you. I just...
- My tits?
- No! No, no, no, no.
- No? - It's your energy, attitude,
the way you carry yourself.
You're not a fag, are you?
No. I am
really attracted to you.
"I am really attracted to you."
Christ, you are a fag.
Well, we can share recipes
if you like, Darlene.
No, wait! I love your tits.
I wanna fuck 'em.
Now we're gettin' somewhere.
Not a chance.
So tell me about yourself, huh?
If you can get your mind out of
the gutter long enough, dog boy.
Well, I'm a puppeteer.
- I...I've been...
- Check.
Hey.
Hey.
I'm sorry I'm so late.
I just...
Lester just wouldn't
let me get away.
Hi, Elijah. We're supposed to
have dinner with him on Thursday
but I can get us out of it,
if you want.
He's like this insane old lech,
and it's kind of amusing once you get
past how disgusting it actually is.
- Did you eat?
- No. I'm not hungry.
I'm sorry I didn't call.
It was just hard to get away.
I was worried.
I'm sorry.
You know...
you wanted me to work.
How was your evening?
Well...
Tom-Tom's puncture wound
is infected.
The ferret?
- The iguana.
- Right.
So I just dressed the wound and
I've just been feeding everyone
and putting everybody to bed.
You want a beer?
No. I think
I'm going to go to bed.
Elijah's gonna
sleep with us tonight.
I don't think
he's feeling very well.
- Okay. Hmm.
- Yeah.
Well, you know what? I'm gonna go
in my workshop for a little while.
But I'll be in
in a little while.
Okay.
Tell me, Craig,
why do you love puppeteering?
Well, Maxine,
I'm not sure exactly.
Perhaps it's the idea of becoming
someone else for a little while.
Being inside another skin,
thinking differently,
moving differently,
feeling differently.
Interesting, Craig.
Would you like
to be inside my skin,
think what I think,
feel what I feel?
More than anything, Maxine.
It's good in here, Craig.
It's better than
your wildest dreams.
You're not somebody I could
get interested in, Craig.
You play with dolls.
Puppets, Maxine. It's the idea of
being inside someone else's skin
and seeing what they see
and feeling what they feel.
Yikes!
It's just that, well...
Please let me explain.
I've never
done this before, but...
I feel something for you,
and I've never
felt this way before.
You know, about anybody,
n-not even my wife.
And I just...
I really feel that you and I
belong together, Maxine.
Oh!
Shit.
- See you later.
- Hello. Mail room.
Yeah. Yeah.
What's the file number?
3-2-3-6-4. Yep.
Oh!
Oh, you know what?
The puppeteer told me he loved me today.
I know, I can't think
of anything more pathetic.
I'm sorry.
Good afternoon, sir.
The Broadhurst Theater, please.
Hey, say, uh,
ain't you that actor guy?
Yes.
John, uh... What is, uh...
John, um, uh...
Uh, don't tell me. Maplethorpe?
- Malkovich.
- Malkovich. Right, right. Okay.
Yeah. I thought you were
all right in that one movie.
Thank you.
The one where you played
a jewel thief.
I never played a jewel thief.
No? Who am I thinkin' of?
I don't know.
Just, uh...
No, no, I'm pretty sure it was you.
The, uh... 'Cause, uh...
Yeah. Absolutely, doll.
Yeah.
I'm just about to close up.
Wanna meet at the Pig
in 20 minutes? Cool. Bye.
I'm splitting' for the day,
puppet man.
Lock up for me, okay?
Don't you wanna know
what happened to me?
- No.
- Please, this is important.
Better be.
It is.
There's a tiny door
in my office, Maxine.
It's a portal, and it takes
you inside John Malkovich.
You see the world
through John Malkovich's eyes
and then after about 15
minutes, you're spit out
into a ditch on the side
of the New Jersey Turnpike.
Sounds great!
Who the fuck is John Malkovich?
Oh, he's an actor. He's one of the great
American actors of the 20th century.
Oh, yeah? What's he been in?
Lots of things.
That jewel thief movie, for example.
He's very well respected.
Anyway, the point is
this is a very odd thing.
It's supernatural,
for lack of a better word.
I mean, it raises
all sorts of philosophical-type
questions, you know...
about the nature of self,
about the existence of a soul.
You know, am I me?
Is Malkovich Malkovich?
I had a piece of wood in my hand.
I don't have it anymore.
Where is it? Did it disappear?
How could that be?
Is it still in Malkovich's head?
I don't know!
Do you see what a metaphysical
can of worms this portal is?
I don't see how I could go on living
my life the way I've lived it before.
- Yeah?
- So I've been thinking,
is this Malkovich fellow
appealing?
Maxine! Yes, of course,
Maxine. He's a celebrity.
Good. We'll sell tickets.
Tickets to Malkovich?
Exactly. $200 a pop.
But, Maxine, there's something, I
don't know, like profound here.
I don't know if maybe we
should exploit it. You think?
I need you for this, Craigy.
You're my man on the inside.
You need me?
I'm your man?
Sure, whatever.
Hey, everybody, I'm home.
Treats for everyone.
- Maxine?
- Yeah?
We don't know the significance
of this thing.
It might be dangerous
to toy with?
Well,
I'll protect you, doll face.
Bye-bye.
Who was that?
I'm going to be working a lot of
late nights with this partner
because Lestercorp's open
during the day,
so I'll be working
a lot of late nights.
But it's a good thing, 'cause it's gonna
get us out of the hole financially
'cause we're gonna
turn it into a business.
But I don't understand.
There's not...
There's no such thing as a hole, or
a portal, into somebody's brain.
Yes, there is.
A brain, or soul or whatever.
I was inside John Malkovich
lookin' out.
- Really?
- Yep.
I wanna try it.
Pardon me?
I want to be
John Malkovich, tomorrow.
That'd be perfect, 'cause then
I can meet your partner.
The thing is, Lestercorp's
open during the day,
so we can't go during the day.
But if you want to, we can do it right now.
- Now? Right now?
- Tonight.
Right now,
on the way to Lester's.
I'll meet you on the side of the
road by the New Jersey Turnpike.
I'm scared.
You don't have to do this,
you know.
No. No, I...I wanna go.
- You sure? Okay.
- Yeah.
It's wet.
Weird.
That's nice. Oh!
Oh, mmm!
Oh! Mmm.
God. I feel sexy.
Lotte, are you all right?
Craig! Craig, I gotta go back!
No!
- Maybe tomorrow.
- No! I gotta go back now!
We'll talk about it later.
Being inside
did something to me.
I knew who I was.
It's like everything made sense.
I...I knew who I was.
But you weren't you.
You were John Malkovich.
God, I was. I was, wasn't I?
I was...
I was John Malkovich.
I was... I was
John fucking Malkovich!
Take me back, Craig.
We're late for Lester.
So tell me, Lotte, can you
understand a word I'm saying?
Oh, yes, Dr. Lester.
Absolutely.
You were just explaining
the nutritional value
of ingesting minerals through a colloidal
form which I couldn't agree more with.
Oh! Be still, my heart.
Dr. Lester, would you mind pointing
me in the direction of the restroom?
With the greatest pleasure, my dear.
You go up the grand escalier
and once atop the stairs you'll
want to enter the, uh...
fifth door on my left.
Watch the step down. It's sunken.
Okay. Thank you.
"Malkovich
Physical Development."
What do you think Lester's
relationship with John Malkovich is?
That portal's been boarded up forever.
I bet Lester's not even aware of it.
Him, the portal. Why?
No reason. I was just thinking.
Do you think that it's kind of weird
that John Malkovich has a portal?
Do you think that it might have some
sort of significance, for example?
I don't know.
Why do you think that?
I don't even care.
I think it's kind of sexy that
John Malkovich has a portal.
Sort of like
it's like he's a vagina.
It's sort of vaginal,
like he has a...
he has a penis and a vagina.
It's sort of like
Malkovich's feminine side.
I like that.
"Visit J.M. Inc.
Mertin Flemmer Building.
"Nightly from 9:00 p.m.
to 4:00 a.m."
Sounds good.
Oblique but intriguing.
Phone it in.
- Want me to phone it in?
- No.
Lotte!
Hi. I heard your voice.
What are you doing here?
Is this your partner?
She's pretty.
I had to do the Malkovich ride
again, you know? Is this her?
- Hi. You're Craig's wife?
- Yeah. Hi.
Lotte, Maxine. Maxine, Lotte.
Have you done Malkovich yet?
Uh, hi.
Yeah, I want to place an ad.
Okay. "Ever want to be
someone else?"
No, that's the ad, but we can
talk about you in a minute.
"Ever want to be someone else?
Now you can. Visit J.M. Inc."
Inc. Mertin.
M-E-R-T-I-N. Flemmer.
You should really be at work.
I've been going over and over my
experience last night, Craig.
It was amazing.
I've decided
that I'm a transsexual.
I know it's
the craziest thing, Craig!
What, are you fuckin' nuts?
No. It's just that for the first
time, everything just felt right.
I've got to make sure.
But if the feeling
is still there,
I'm going to talk to Dr.
Feldman about sexual reassignment surgery.
This is absurd!
Besides, Feldman is an allergist.
If you're going to
do something, do it right.
We talked about this
a million times.
You get these half-assed ideas,
and then you do a half-assed job.
Just drop it.
It's just that I really,
you know,
like Dr. Feldman. All right?
So I thought that
I would ask him his opinion.
Is there something
so terrible about that?
Why do you always
yell at me like this?
Sweetie, I'm sorry.
It's just a phase. It's the thrill of
seeing through somebody else's eyes.
Okay? It'll pass.
Don't stand in the way
of my actualization as a man.
Let her go, Craig.
- Okay.
- I mean him.
Right now?
Uh-huh.
It's the middle of the day.
How am I going to get her past Lester?
Yawn. Figure it out.
Okay. Let's go. Come on.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Davey, it's Max.
Listen, can you get me
John Malkovich's home phone?
"But what I had been through.
I am hungry as the winter.
"I am sick, anxious,
poor as a beggar.
"Fate has tossed me
hither and thither.
"I have been everywhere.
Everywhere."
- So strong.
- "But wherever I have been,
- "every minute, day and night...
- I want that voice.
- "my soul has been full of mysterious anticipations.
- My soul has been full...
- of mysterious anticipation.
- "I feel the approach of happiness.
"Anya, I see it coming."
Yeah?
- Mr. John Malkovich?
- Yeah. Who's calling?
Oh, my goodness!
You don't know me,
but I know you.
I'm a great admirer of yours.
How did you get this number?
Well... it's just that I...
I... I dream about you.
And well, even speaking to you now has
gotten me sort of excited, you know?
Wow, the way
this woman's talking to him.
Listen, I really don't
find this amusing.
Don't call here anymore, okay?
Well! My nipples are at attention,
General Malkovich, sir.
What, her nipples?
So, listen, why don't we
have dinner tonight?
Bernardo's? 8:00?
I really want to see you.
I just loved you
in that jewel thief movie.
You're not gonna
meet her there?
Come on!
Meet her. Meet her there.
Meet her there! Meet her there!
I am sick,
anxious, poor as a beggar.
Meet her there! Meet her there!
Meet her there!
Meet her there! Meet her there!
Meet her there!
Everywhere.
But wherever I have been,
every minute, day and night...
Meet her there. Meet her there.
Meet her there.
Yes!
How was it?
I have to go back
at 8:00 exactly, tonight.
Why?
Don't crowd me, Craig.
Excuse me.
Are you John Malkovich?
Yes, I am.
Wow. You really are great in that
movie where you play that retard.
Oh, thank you very much.
I have a cousin who's a retard.
Oh. Thank you.
So, as you might imagine,
it means a lot to me
to see retards
portrayed on the silver
screen so compassionately.
Well, thank you very much.
I appreciate it.
Good night.
Maxine?
- It's Maxine.
- Hi.
I'm so glad
you decided to come.
I'm Maxine.
I'm John. How do you do?
Good.
I wasn't sure
I was going to come...
but I felt, uh,
oddly compelled.
You're so beautiful.
The way you're looking at me...
I mean, at him... At us.
I've never been looked at
like this by a woman before.
I think I'm sweating.
I must say, I was
intrigued by your voice.
And the funny thing is, Mr.
Malkovich, my voice is probably
the least intriguing thing
about me.
So, I mean...
So, how was it?
What was he doing?
He wasn't doing anything
really.
He was just
hanging around his apartment.
I think he's probably just
a really, uh, lonely guy.
See, men can feel
unfulfilled, too, Lotte.
I'm glad you're coming
to realize that.
You shouldn't be so quick to
assume that switching bodies
is gonna be the answer
to your problems.
You're right, Craig.
You're right.
You know what I was thinking?
I was thinking that maybe
we should invite Maxine
over for dinner one night
because you guys are partners and I thought
that might be a really nice gesture.
I think she'd like that.
- Maxine?
- What?
The thing is, there's been some
tension between us at work,
business stuff,
and I would hate to
expose you to that.
It'll be okay.
I'll cook my lasagna,
we'll smoke a joint,
and tensions
will just melt away.
Now, when you say that I can be somebody
else, what do you mean exactly?
Well, we mean exactly that.
We can put you inside someone
else's body for 15 minutes.
Can I be anybody
that I wanna be?
Well... You... Actually...
You can be John Malkovich.
That's perfect!
It's my second choice,
but it's wonderful. It's...
I'm a fat man.
- I am sad and fat...
- $200?
Oh. Oh, uh, yes.
- Okay.
- You gotta crawl in there.
Oh, my God.
No, that's what I'm saying.
See, I don't really need
an extra bathmat.
So if I get the set,
would it be possible
if I could just get maybe
three extra hand towels...
Uh, if I get the set
instead of the bathmat?
- Yes, sir.
- Sure, we can do that.
Great. That sounds good.
And for the color, periwinkle?
Oh, I'm sorry.
We're out of stock in periwinkle.
Do you want to back order?
No. I'll, uh,
go with the loden.
Would you like to order
anything else?
What is the difference between the
foot-pampering looped cotton rug
and the bathmat?
You're my friends. Thank you.
Did you know that
Eskimos have not one,
but, 49 words for snow?
Mmm.
It's because
they have so much of it.
So much snow.
After dinner,
I'll show you my puppets.
Ah.
After dinner, I'll introduce
you to my chimp Elijah.
He has an ulcer right now due
to suppressed childhood trauma.
But we're working through it.
Psychotherapy.
Oh.
This the bedroom?
Yeah.
The thing is,
the way that I see it,
is, I think
the world is divided
into those
who go after what they want
- and then those who don't, right?
- Right.
The passionate ones, the ones
who go after what they want,
well, they may not get
what they want.
But, at least
they remain vital.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So when they lie on their death
beds, they have, um, few regrets.
Right?
And the ones who don't
go after what they want,
well, who gives a shit
about them, anyway?
- God! Craig!
- Lotte!
I don't find you attractive,
hmm? And, Lotte,
I'm smitten with you.
I am, but only
when you're in Malkovich.
When I looked into his eyes last
night, I could feel you peering out.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Behind the stubble
and the too prominent brow
and the male-pattern baldness,
I sensed your feminine longing.
And it just slew me.
Oh, my God!
Oh!
Only as John, sweetie.
Sorry.
Hey, thanks for
a wonderful dinner.
No hard feelings, partner?
- J.M. Inc.
- Hi. It's Lotte.
I'd like very much
to see you again.
Can you call him
and invite yourself over?
Um, when?
Mmm, tonight, after you close?
Okay, uh, 4:11.
4:11?
Thank you, Maxine.
You're welcome.
Thanks so much for having
me over, sugarplum.
I'm glad you called.
Shall we to the boudoir?
A couple of minutes. I'm early.
So do...do you enjoy being
an actor?
Sure. Yeah.
It's...it's very rewarding.
Hi.
Hi.
Oh, my sweet Maxine.
- My darling.
- I love you, Lotte.
Did you call me Lotte?
Do you mind?
No, not really.
- Oh!
- Oh, God.
- My sweet, beautiful Lotte.
- Oh!
Oh, Maxine!
Yes, Maxine. Yes.
Maxine, this is...
this is so right.
Oh! Oh, God.
- Yes! Wow!
- Yes! Wow!
You were him, weren't you?
Yeah.
And he was with her!
We love her, Craig.
"We"?
John and me.
Don't forget about me!
Well, you have the Maxine
action figure to play with!
I'm sorry. That was nasty.
You are late, my little cowboy.
Are you torturing me
on purpose?
I've fallen in love.
I don't think so.
You know why?
Because I've fallen in love!
And this is what people who
have fallen in love look like.
Well, you picked
the unrequited variety.
It's very bad for the skin.
You're evil, Maxine.
Do you have any idea what it's like
to have two people look at you
with total lust and devotion
through the same pair of eyes?
Wow.
No, I don't suppose you would.
It's quite a thrill, Craigy.
Ahh! What are you doing?
Oh, my God! Is that real?
- Yes!
- What is that?
I don't know
how to use it very well,
so don't make any sudden moves!
I'm serious! I'm serious.
Suck my dick!
Shut up, okay? Just shut up.
Craig!
J.M. Inc. Be all
that someone else can be.
I need to see you.
Sweetie!
Oh, I had so much fun
with you last night.
Shoot. But it's business hours.
Tell her what the hell,
close early, live dangerously.
Say it.
What the hell, you know?
Live dangerously. Close early.
Ooh, doll.
I love this new
devil-may-care side of you.
All righty. I'll track down lover boy
and see both of you in one hour.
Exactamundo.
Craig!
What's the matter with you?
Stop it!
Sit up, okay?
Just sit up. Just sit up.
Help!
He's locking me in a cage!
Shut up!
Shut up!
Was ever woman
in this humor wooed?
Was ever woman
in this humor won?
Tommy, can I take 15?
- Good night, everybody.
- See you back here at 9:00 p.m. tomorrow.
Oh!
Oh, Lotte.
Lotte, this is so good!
- My God! This is amazing.
- Lotte!
I want to touch her breast.
Touch her breast.
Move right hand
across left breast now.
- Lotte! - Move right hand
across left breast now!
Move right hand
across left breast now.
Holy shit, yes!
Holy shit, yes!
Holy shit, he said what I said!
Shit, he said what I said!
Lotte? Is that you?
Yes, yes, sweetheart.
Yes, sweetheart, yes.
What the fuck is going on?
That's not me!
I didn't say that.
Oh, Lotte.
Oh, Maxine. Oh...
Something was making me talk.
Some goddamn thing
was making me move.
- I've gotta get out of here.
- Oh, doll face!
It was just, uh, your
passion for me taking hold.
No, doll face. I know what my
passion taking hold feels like.
Bye!
I did it!
I made him move his arms across
your girlfriend's glorious tit!
Oh, and
I made him talk sort of.
It's just a matter of practice
before Malkovich is nothing more than another
puppet hanging next to my work table.
I'll tell you about it when I
get home, okay? All right?
- Craig! Craig!
- I wanna...
No, man, I'm sorry to...
I'm sorry to have
called you like that,
but I was just really,
really scared.
I was so freaked out.
I mean, it was like somebody was
just moving all the way through me,
moving my arms, moving my
hands, talking for me.
I mean, literally, I feel
like I'm going crazy, Charlie.
I'm sure
you're not going crazy.
You don't understand, man.
It was like nothing I've ever felt before.
Yeah, yada, yada, yada.
Were you stoned?
Yes. Yes, I was... Jesus.
Yes! Yes, I was stoned.
But what... That doesn't have
anything to do with it.
Charlie, someone was talking
through my mouth.
You were stoned.
Case closed. End of story.
- How hot is this babe?
- You know what?
Maybe it was this
Lotte woman talking
because it could have been her
talking through me.
Because this...
The weird thing is this Maxine
likes to call me Lotte.
Ouch. That is hot.
Maybe she's using you to channel
some dead, lesbian lover.
Sounds like my kind of gal.
Let me know when you're done with her, yeah?
What are you talking about? Done with her, man?
Tonight really freaked me out.
You're nuts to let a girl go
that calls you Lotte.
I'll tell you that as a friend.
Charlie, I don't know
anything about the girl.
She could be, like,
a fucking witch or something.
That's even better!
Hot, lesbian witches. Think about it.
It's fucking genius.
I gotta know the truth,
Charlie.
The truth is for suckers,
Johnny boy.
Thanks.
Excuse me, sir.
Exactly what, uh, type of service
does this company provide?
You get to be John Malkovich
for 15 minutes.
Two hundred clams.
I see.
- No cutting, by the way. No cutting!
- Hey, what the hell?
Come on! Break it up!
Break it up! Cut it out!
Everybody gets...
- It's him.
- It's John Malkovich.
I'm sorry, Mr. Malkovich.
I hope we didn't hurt you too terribly.
Get inside!
- Darling!
- What the fuck is going on?
- Uh, uh, John Malkovich.
- Huh?
Mr. Malkovich, sir.
Mr. Malkovich,
I think I can explain.
Yeah, explain.
My name is Craig Schwartz
and we operate
a little business here
that simulates,
for our clientele, well, the...
the experience of... of...
of being you, actually.
Simulates?
Yeah, after a fashion.
What exactly does that mean?
Well, it's hard to describe.
I want to do it then.
That would pale in comparison
to the actual experience.
I want to do it!
Right now
Mr. Hiroshi's in the tube...
Let him do it, Craig.
Of course.
Right this way, Mr. Malkovich,
compliments of the house.
Jesus.
What happens when a man
goes through his own portal?
We'll see.
Malkovich.
Malkovich, Malkovich.
Malkovich, Malkovich.
Malkovich, Malkovich,
Malkovich?
Malkovich, Malkovich.
Malkovich?
Malkovich!
Malkovich.
Malkovich.
Malkovich. Malkovich.
Malkovich!
Malkovich, Malkovich
Malkovich, Malkovich
- Malkovich.
- Malkovich.
- Malkovich.
- Malkovich.
Malkovich, Malkovich
Malkovich, Malkovich
- Malkovich, Malkovich
- Malkovich!
How was it?
It was amazing this time.
That was no simulation!
I know. I'm sorry.
It's such an honor.
I have been to the dark side.
I have seen a world
that no man should see!
Really? For most people, it's
a rather pleasant experience.
That portal is mine,
and it must be sealed forever
for the love of God.
But, Mr. Malkovich, sir,
with all due respect,
I discovered that portal.
It's my livelihood. Do you understand?
It's my head, Schwartz!
It's my head!
I will see you in court!
What makes you think I won't be
seeing what you're seeing in court?
Hey, Malkovich, think fast!
Fuck!
Dinner.
You know, Craig, once this was
a relationship built on love.
Well, you gave up that claim
after the first time you stuck
your dick in Maxine, Lotte.
You fell in love with her
first, Craig.
Yeah, but I didn't do anything about
it, out of respect for our marriage.
You didn't do anything
about it, Craig,
out of respect for the fact that she wouldn't
let you near her with a ten-foot pole!
That's true.
God, Lotte, what have I become?
My wife in a cage
with a monkey.
Craig. I need to go to the
bathroom and take a shower.
What am I,
some kind of monster?
I don't want to be a monster,
Lotte. I don't want to.
Craig, you're not a monster.
No.
I know you're not a monster,
honey.
You're just... You're just
a very, very confused man.
I love you so much.
I love you.
Come on, Craig.
- J.M. Inc.
- Maxine?
Lotte.
I've been thinking about us,
you know? And, uh...
We have to meet.
Um, okay. I'll see you in
Malkovich in one hour.
Craig!
I hate you.
Oh, Elijah!
You really are magnificent.
- J.M. Inc.
- Maxine!
Honey pie! I was just heading
out the door to meet you.
No, listen, Maxine.
It hasn't been me in Malkovich the last time.
It's been that
son of a bitch, Craig.
He's had me locked in the cage
with my chimp,
- holding a gun to my head.
He made me call you. - Oh, my God!
I'm sorry, Maxine.
It's been him the whole time.
I'm so sorry. That's horrible.
I miss you so much, Maxine.
So... But...
Okay, that was Craig
inside of Malkovich?
Yes, it was him.
It's because he's a puppeteer, I think.
Well, boy, I'm, uh...
I'm surprised.
That's pretty impressive.
What?
So if Craig
can control Malkovich,
- and I can control Craig...
- But, Maxine,
I thought it was me
that you loved!
I do.
It's confusing, you know?
This is a very confusing situation.
I know.
Listen, I
should really get going, okay?
- 'Cause I'm gonna be late
for Malkovich now. - No.
What?
We'll talk about this later,
Lotte.
Maxine! Wait!
- Okay?
- Maxine!
What the fuck do you want?
I can explain
about the portal, darling.
Listen, don't con me, Maxine.
I don't know
who the hell you people are,
but this insanity is now over.
Oh, shut up.
Craigy. Craig.
Schwartzy, are you in there?
How did you know it was me?
Lotte called me.
She escaped your evil clutches.
Really? Well, I'm really sorry
I did that, Maxine,
but I'm
really in love with you,
and I didn't know
how else to be with you.
Hmm.
Apparently you can control
this Malkovich fellow now?
Yes, I'm getting
better all the time.
I'll say you are.
Hey, let's do it
on his dining room table.
Then we'll make him
eat an omelet off of it.
No!
Shut up,
you overrated sack of shit!
Craigy.
Yes?
Hi, Dr. Lester.
It's Lotte Schwartz,
Craig's wife.
Oh! Yes. Oh, my God.
You'll catch your death out here.
Look at you. You're soaking wet.
Please come in, come in.
Here you are, my dear.
Thank you.
How's that?
Much better, thank you.
So, my dear, what is it that
brings you to my doorway
on such
an inhospitable evening?
Well, Dr. Lester,
see, I, uh...
I have a very unhealthy
obsession with John Malkovich.
I see.
You mean, the performer.
Yes.
And what prompted you
to come to me with this issue?
Well, when I was here
with my husband for dinner,
I came upon a room that seemed to be
some sort of John Malkovich museum.
So I thought
perhaps maybe you would
have some appreciation
for my state of mind.
You look so lovely, my dear,
standing here before the fire
in my oversized man's robe.
Thank you, Dr. Lester.
Tell me,
what is this strange power
that Malkovich exudes?
You've gotta help me
understand because
all I think about
is wanting to be him.
- Wanting to what?
- Wanting to be him.
Wanting to be John Malkovich.
Oh, I see.
Well, perhaps you can.
But, Dr. Lester...
I am not Dr. Lester.
I am Captain Mertin.
I don't understand.
It was 90 years ago that I
discovered a strange portal.
And... And I found that this
portal led to a vessel body
and that I could live forever by
leaping from vessel to vessel.
So Dr. Lester is such a vessel?
Yes, he is.
You still there, sweets?
Hmm.
I figured out how to hang on
as long as I want.
It's all a matter of making
friends with the Malkovich body.
Rather than thinking of it as an enemy
that has to be pounded into submission,
I've begun imagining it as a really
expensive suit that I enjoy wearing.
Ah, this illustrates how I will move
into my next vessel, Malkovich,
on his 44th birthday.
That's when he becomes ripe.
But I must enter
by midnight on that day.
After that, I'd get diverted into the
next newly forming infant vessel.
I don't want that to happen.
I'd be absorbed.
Absorbed? What does that mean?
Well, uh, trapped, held prisoner,
if you like, in the host's brain,
unable to control anything,
forever doomed to watch the world
through someone else's eyes.
Now I'd like you
to meet some friends.
See, I got lonely
in Lester by myself,
so I figured out a way this time
to take others along with me.
Come.
Everyone, this is Lotte.
Hi, Lotte!
She's a new friend of mine.
Do a puppet show for me,
Craig, honey.
You mean, with Malkovich?
- I'd love to see your work.
- Really?
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah?
Okay.
This is something that I call "Craig's
Dance of Despair and Disillusionment."
That was incredible!
You're... You're brilliant!
You see, Maxine, it isn't
just playing with dolls.
Oh, my darling,
it's so much more!
It's playing with people.
Stay in him forever.
My darling, how will we make
a living if our clientele
doesn't have access
to our product?
Well, we'll have all the money
in Malkovich's bank account,
plus he does get
acting work occasionally.
No, please!
Shut up!
We're trying to think here.
Gee!
It is... It is sort of
like puppeteering.
I-I-I like that about it.
Exactly!
And no one would ever even
have to know it's not him.
And I could use
Malkovich's existing notoriety
to launch my own
puppeteering career.
Oh, Craigy.
Craigy, that's brilliant.
Oh. Oh.
So lovely.
I've always wondered what it
would be like to have a penis.
- Now I'll know.
- Really?
- I know it's very...
- Lotte?
We like you.
We can see you're a kind
and decent woman
and so,
we've decided to offer you a
place in John Malkovich with us,
if you like.
Dr. Lester,
you've been so kind to me
and trusting.
And there's just something I think you
should know about the Malkovich vessel.
- John's here to see you.
- Should I send him in?
Of course send him right in.
Don't ever keep him waiting again, you understand?
Hey, John.
Great to see you.
Sorry about the cunt
at reception.
This is my fiancee, Maxine.
Oh, great to see you, Maxine.
Sorry about the cunt
at reception.
Please, have a seat.
Can I get you anything?
Coffee? Water?
No, thank you.
- Teresa, get me chicken soup.
- Okay.
Chicken soup? Chicken soup?
Larry? Uh, I want to
get right to the point.
From now on, I'm no longer an actor.
I'm a puppeteer.
Okay. Great.
And I would like
to redirect my career
so that from now on
the name John Malkovich,
will be synonymous
with puppets.
Sure. Sure. No problemo.
Poof, you're a puppeteer.
Just let me
make a couple calls.
Honey?
Maxine? Maxine?
I'm busy.
Maxine, honey, it's on!
Yeah, there's the truth,
and there are lies
and, uh, art always tells the
truth, even when it's lying.
The enigmatic John Malkovich,
one of the world's
greatest entertainers
and the man who reinvented
how we view puppeteering.
Tonight we look at the man
above the strings
and the woman behind the man.
Raised in Evanston, Illinois, Malkovich
had a lifelong interest in theater arts
and as a young man was
one of the founding members
of Chicago's world-renowned
Steppenwolf Theatre Company.
From there, it was a simple
hop, skip and a jump
to Broadway accolades
and Hollywood stardom.
But nothing could prepare the
public for what was to come next.
And so it was that just
eight short months ago,
John Malkovich
dropped the bombshell
that sent shock waves through
the entertainment community.
Turning his back on
his former profession,
Malkovich had to
start from scratch
and pay his dues all over again
as a fledgling puppeteer.
Hello, ladies and
gentlemen, I'm John Malkovich.
It's... It's the... I miss...
I'm really John Malkovich.
From these
inauspicious beginnings...
John Malkovich's rise to
stardom was fast and furious.
His breakout performance occurred
at this year's Emmy Awards...
It's really good!
I look really amazing.
I'd fuck me.
If there's anything
that upsets me about it,
it's feeling like
if I move into it too quickly,
I'll be, you know,
deemed an imitator.
But, um, I think that once
we all get the courage
to just follow through on our
instincts, like Malkovich has,
I think that, uh, a lot of us
will move into puppetry.
Malkovich's rise to fame
brought about
a renaissance in puppeteering.
No, no, no. What are you doing?
What are you doing?
I'm making him weep, John.
You're making him weep,
but you are not weeping.
Don't ever with your audience.
Until the... the puppet becomes an
extension of you, it's a novelty act.
It's, uh... It's Topo Gigio.
No?
He's a technical genius.
He breathes life
into inanimate objects.
It's a very godlike thing to
be able to take something and,
you know, make it live.
He was the talk of the
town from the Beltway to Broadway
aided in no small part by his new
wife and manager, Maxine Lund.
In Maxine,
Malkovich had found his mentor
his muse, his inspiration.
In Malkovich, Maxine had
found the love of her life.
There, there, my dear. Relax.
This travesty will all
be over with by morning.
And the crowds have been
absolutely sensational
and, um, I'd just like to thank God
for giving us this opportunity
to share our creative vision.
Nothing was impossible
for John and Maxine
in the early days.
Their union was a joyous one,
and together
they worked tirelessly
to further Malkovich's
puppeteering career.
John Malkovich, the artist,
and Maxine, the entrepreneur,
they make this character,
this protean figure
that we call John Malkovich.
But some say Maxine has changed
since becoming pregnant,
recoiling from the limelight
and, rumor has it,
from her husband's affections.
I'm so sorry.
Malkovich shows us
a reflection of ourselves,
our frailties
and our, you know,
desperate humanity.
That's what makes him one of the
most relevant artists of our time.
And what does the future
hold for John Horatio Malkovich?
Well, to quote the Bard, "He's
got the world on a string."
As the poet said,
"The puppeteer's voice need not
merely be the record of man.
"It can be one of the pillars,
the props,
"to help him endure
and prevail."
And I believe that.
It's over!
Max?
I've gotta head down
to ABT now.
I've got the Swan Lake
benefit tonight, okay?
But when I come back, we can maybe
celebrate Malkovich's big four-four.
Okay?
Jesus! Why couldn't I have found
the portal to a younger body?
What if I... What if I
fall tonight and break my hip?
Like that, little girl?
Huh, lamb?
I love you.
Bravo!
Maxine?
Ma...
Hello? Hello?
We have Maxine.
Oh! My God.
Please, please, don't hurt her.
Listen, I'll... I'll give you
anything you want. Please.
You listen to me, asshole.
I don't want your fucking money.
What I want is for you
to leave John Malkovich now!
Who... Who is this, Lester?
Does it matter?
We're gonna kill Maxine if you
don't leave the body immediately!
But I-I-I can't do that.
I mean, if-if I leave Malkovich,
then I'm Craig Schwartz again.
No career, no money.
Maxine will have
nothing to do...
She barely has anything
to do with me now.
Jesus, we're going to kill your
wife, you fucking lunatic!
God.
Listen, Schwartz,
Malkovich is our vessel.
We're old. We're going to die if
we don't get into him by midni...
He called our bluff.
Shit!
Can't we just go inside the
portal and push Craig out?
No, he's much too powerful.
Schwartz would just jam us down
into Malkovich's subconscious.
Lotte.
If I can't have you,
no one will.
Lotte, no!
No, Lotte! God, no,
we can't really kill her!
She's carrying Malkovich's seed!
Our next vessel!
Hey! Help me!
Help me!
Where the fuck am I?
We're in
Malkovich's subconscious.
The last thing
you'll ever see, Maxine.
Fag-o-vitch!
Johnny, baby, Johnny.
- I am bad. I am bad. I am bad.
- I am bad. I am bad. I am bad.
I am bad. I am bad.
I am bad. I am bad. I am bad.
I am bad. I am bad. I am bad.
Maxine, I am gonna kill you!
You're creepy.
- Little Johnny Malk-o-pee!
- Little Johnny Malk-o-pee!
Wet his pants so all could see!
Little Johnny Malk-o-pee!
Little Johnny Malk-o-pee!
Wet his pants so all could see!
I loved you so much!
Oh! Why did you have to
hurt me like that?
I'm sorry, Lotte.
I guess I loved you, too,
in my way.
You are so full of shit,
Maxine!
I know.
I know!
It's your baby, okay?
What?
The baby, it's yours.
It's ours. I got pregnant
when you were in Malkovich.
You cannot fuck with me
anymore, Maxine!
I'm not!
I kept it because I knew
you were the father,
the other mother, whatever,
because I...
Because it was yours.
So we're parents?
Together?
Yeah.
Say, uh,
aren't you John Malkovich?
- No.
- Yeah, you are.
No.
I can't believe
you're in this shithole, man.
You guys know
this is John Malkovich?
I'm not John Malkovich.
This is John Malkovich...
I am not John Malkovich!
Cut it out, you guys.
- Yes?
- Lester, please don't do it.
Please don't kill Maxine.
So you'll leave?
Yes, I said...
I, uh...I am leaving.
All right. Do it now while I'm
on the phone so I can hear
and your lovely bride walks.
Uh... Okay. Okay.
I'm going.
Now, my friends.
The time is now.
I'm free.
I'm back! I'm...
Lotte.
Ooh!
Hello. Hello, young lady.
We're...
Malk...
We're Malkovich.
Hey! Hey!
Maxine! I did it, Maxine!
I left Malkovich for you,
sweetie!
It's no good being Malkovich
without you.
It proves I love you!
- Fuck off, Craig!
- Doesn't it?
He's not with us.
Maxine, I love you!
I'm gonna go right back
into Malkovich
and I'm gonna kick Lester out!
And then you'll love me again!
Maxine! Maxine!
Ma-Sheen.
Hey. Malcatraz.
Uh, how are you?
- I'm very well. And you?
- Good, good.
- You look well.
- Thank you.
- How's Celeste?
- She's good, yeah.
She's sorry she couldn't make it today.
She had to go to the store.
Oh, that's okay.
Charlie, hi!
I didn't even hear the door.
Lookin' great, Flo.
I'm looking grateful?
Charlie, we are not
getting any younger.
Well, don't rub it in.
Listen, Charlie, I know this
is going to sound crazy,
but what would you think
if I told you
that I'd found a way for us
to live forever? All of us.
Johnny boy,
what are you talking about?
All of us. Celeste, Floris, you, me.
Gary Sinise maybe.
I don't really understand.
Charlie, this is Emily.
Isn't she lovely?
- Hey, pass the Cheetos.
- You need more puffs?
No, I want more.
Okeydoke.
They're covered in grease.
Shut up.
Can I swim yet?
- Can you swim yet?
- What time is it?
Shall we do the cramp test?
Check her.
Let me see. Are you gonna throw up?
Let me see!
Are you gonna throw up?
Are you gonna vomit?
Okay, you can swim.
Maxine.
Maxine.
I love you, Maxine.
Oh, look away.
Look away.
Look away. Look away.
Look away. Look away.
Look away.