Beer (1985) - full transcript

An advertising firm, desperate to keep an account from a financially-ailing brewery, concocts a macho ad campaign centering on three losers who inadvertently prevent a robbery at a bar.

[woman]

...winners this time, huh?

[man] Oh, you enjoy

being buried in the sand.

[laughter]

♪ Michelob Light

for the winners ♪

[narrator] Would good

friends really play

this hard for a beer?

Well, it is Michelob Light.

The rich smooth taste

you can compare

to any beer you like.

♪ Michelob light

for the winners ♪

[on phone] Feemer,

this is Adolph Norbecker,

President of

Norbecker Breweries.

I just called to tell

you that I'm watching

some beer commercials.

And I am just loving

what I am seeing.

There is only one problem

of course, Feemer,

they're not my

beer commercials.

Oh, look at it,

oh, I wish you

could see this.

They have speed boats

going back and forth,

full of guys and girls.

And what have you

created for me?

What have you

and your brain trust

made for me?

A six-pack of nonsense

and I am not just

whistling Dixie cups here.

I'm going to the

Hark & Melrose Agency for

lunch this afternoon, Feemer.

And I am going to see

can they make me a commercial

that will keep

my viewers awake!

[slamming phone]

[indistinct chatter]

I like your suit.

Who's your tailor?

Borrow it anytime

you like, Dickler.

D-Y-K-E.

[Feemer] Gentlemen,

good morning.

[all] Good morning,

Mr. Feemer.

Grace, I wouldn't be surprised

if some of the gentlemen

wouldn't perhaps

enjoy a cup of coffee

as per usual in our

conference room meetings.

[Grace] Yes, Mr. Feemer.

Gentlemen, I, uh,

I just got off the phone

with A.J. Norbecker.

The man responsible

for 62% of our business.

Ah, I know, it's ridiculous,

but there you have it.

He doesn't seem

very pleased

with our current ad

campaign for Norbecker Beer.

Well, if you'll peruse

the graph behind me here,

you'll notice that

sales of Norbecker Beer

are tapering off a bit.

In fact...

They're plummeting!

Word has it that Norbecker's

already talking with the

Hark & Melrose Agency.

It's true. It's true.

I am not fabricating

this one iota.

Of course,

I reminded Mr. Norbecker

that I have the best

Ad men that money can buy.

Masters in their field.

Prize winning Ad men.

The top, top Ad men that

you can look at.

Of course, I lied.

I told a whopper!

You're not Ad men.

You're not the top, top.

You're the bottom, bottom.

The little, little, tiny,

weeny, little maggots,

walking around in this

kind of configuration.

You are bird-witted bunglers.

Cabbage-headed twits.

Am I right, Reemer?

-Yes.

-You're fired.

Get out. Pack up your locker.

Put all your things

in a little bag and

walk on out of here.

Don't look back.

Press the "down" button.

Gentlemen...

I promised Mr. Norbecker

that we would come up

with a brand new concept

to sell Norbecker Beer.

Ah, Smythe, you're

the creative director.

Ah, have you got anything

you can throw out at us here?

Ah, ah, yes,

I certainly do.

I certainly do.

I put together

something here, um...

We get a bunch of guys,

they work in construction.

And after a hard day's work,

they reach for some

Norbecker Beer.

They all reach for a beer.

Each one gets a beer.

Then they hold them up.

Yes?

That's it.

Symthe, you're fired!

Get out. Take your lunch box.

Walk on down the hall.

Skate on out of here.

Use the service entrance.

Get out. Get out! Get out!

It was an idea. It was an

idea that I had. I thought

they'd hold them up...

-[Feemer] Get out!

-It was something that...

Out, Smythe, get out!

Now, who is it, uh,

that we're trying

to appeal to

with our current

ad campaign for

Norbecker Beer?

Gentlemen, who drinks

Norbecker Beer?

-Mr. Feemer?

-Yes, Miss Tucker.

What does the lady

executive have to say?

Mr. Feemer, I think

I know the kind of image

we want for Norbecker.

-You do?

-Mmm-hmm.

Enlighten us.

Mr. Feemer,

we need a specific kind of man

to represent our product.

He needs to be

very, very special.

[B.D.] A man with class.

A man who exudes an aura.

A man for the '80s.

And yet, someone with whom

every man can identify,

because that's

who drinks beer.

[horns honking]

Cone on. Move that car!

Nearly six billion

gallons of it last year

in this country alone.

Now, although women

constitute a negligible

segment of the market,

the guy we're looking for,

should appeal to them as well.

-A man's man that

every guy can relate to.

-You're fired.

Sure of himself. Secure.

A man who stands out.

-[boy] Bye, Dad.

-Okay. Take it easy.

Have a good day.

[B.D.] And yet blends in.

A man driven to

be an individual

when society

demands conformity.

America wants

one of their own.

Let the people

see a reflection

just a little bit nicer

than they expected.

A man who

chases his dreams

and won't let go

until he runs them down

and makes them real.

Hey, it ain't paid

for yet, God damn it!

What I'm saying,

Mr. Feemer, is,

let's show an average man

with the brains and savvy

to stay on top of the world.

Excuse me, B.D.

But if he's got

brains and savvy,

who is going to

identify with him?

[all laugh]

Certainly not you, Dickler.

[laughing loudly]

[Feemer] B.D., I like it.

I'm not sure what it is,

but it's got something.

See what you can

work up on this.

You've got carte blanche

on this one.

Everyone here will help.

Look at them as a think tank.

A fantastic brain trust.

A fertile reserve of

concentrated thought.

The creme de la creme.

Now, if we all put our heads

together on this one,

God knows what

we'll come up with.

[music playing]

What's your angle

on this, B.D.?

Oh, right now,

concept-wise,

I'm winging it.

I've got a beer

in search of an image

and that's where

you come in, Buzz.

Do the brewery people

know that I'm on board?

I broke the news to

Norbecker this morning.

How'd they take it?

Well, I'm not going to

lie to you. They weren't

crazy about it, Buzz.

I had to really

go to bat for you.

I really fought them.

But they want macho.

And if anybody can

give me macho, it's you.

My two-time award winner.

World War II flying ace. Huh?

I haven't worked

in 10 years.

King of the westerns.

Washed up alcoholic.

Dry alcoholic.

On the wagon.

You're not going to give me

a problem, are you, Buzz?

You just put me behind

that camera again.

You got it, Buzzy.

I lost my job today.

I'm such a moron.

My mom's going to kill me.

So, ah... What's your name?

-Merle.

-I'm Frankie.

You know something, Merle?

You don't look too good.

From out of town?

I've been working

my way north from Lubbock.

That's in West Texas.

I feel like I've been

kicked out of every state

between here and there.

But I reckon this here

is the end of the line.

My car was towed away.

Welcome to the Big Apple.

Well, I'm gonna get

towed away myself.

I'm going to get wrecked,

then towed away.

Hey, Freddie, two more here.

And don't make 'em all foam.

[coughs]

Ah, you must be, ah,

Washington.

Ah, no sir. I'm Morrison.

Elliot Morrison.

Oh, yes, Morrison. Morrison.

What can I do

for you, Morrison?

Mr. Talbot, um...

I've been with this firm

for close to eight years now.

Excellent.

Well, I'm still handling

mostly bankruptcy cases,

but no corporate accounts.

That's fine.

You see, that's just what

I wanted talk to you about.

Sir, I feel like I've been

passed over by this firm.

I hope you're not

accusing us of unfair

discriminatory practices.

-No, sir.

-No, sir.

Well, that's fine. Excellent.

Mr. Talbot,

I need an advance.

I'm in a little bit

of personal financial

difficulty.

I'm overextended

on some investments.

Did you use your

little toothbrush?

I want to see

my face in my shoes.

Yes, sir.

Mr. Talbot, I've got to

have this advance. My wife...

My wife she doesn't

even know. I... I...

I've got to have it.

Calm down, Washington.

Calm down.

I'll think about the advance.

Meanwhile,

you stay in bankruptcy.

That way you'll have

the experience to

handle your own case.

[chuckling]

[narrator on TV]

The clean crisp taste

that says Budweiser.

[singing on TV]

This Bud's for you.

-Freddie, my boy,

how's the roast beef?

-[Freddie] Rare.

Would you like

a drink, my dear?

Can they make a decent

martini in this place?

You bet. Double martini,

straight up. Hold the fruit.

Ginger ale for me.

Charming, charming.

I like it.

And when I'm in town,

this is my place.

I'm telling you what,

you lose your car.

I lose my job.

Right.

Who knows how long

he's got until he gets canned.

Why else would he

be drinking at 1:00

in the afternoon.

How about you, pal?

Lose something?

His job and his mind,

all in a day.

Research shows me that

men are afraid of women.

They're afraid of

their sweethearts,

their mothers, their wives.

They're afraid of

losing their jobs,

losing their hair,

losing their erections.

I've got to help these

poor guys feel better

about themselves.

Men will drink the beer

that makes them

feel more like men.

I don't hold a lot

of stock in this

Madison Avenue crap, B.D.

You just tell me

what you want.

I'm looking for something,

something different.

Something breakthrough.

Norbecker Pilsner's

very own Marlboro Man.

[narrator on TV]

Here comes the king of beers.

♪ Here comes the king

Here comes the king ♪

Want another?

You're going to have to put

all your money in this bag.

Are you kidding?

I think you've had enough.

You better be going.

Go on, go on,

get out of here.

It will all fit in here.

I know it will. Please.

That's enough. Now, beat it.

You don't want me here?

If I have to come

around this bar...

I'm going to have

to kill somebody.

All right. That's enough.

-[woman screaming]

-[Merle] Hey, buddy.

Whoa, hey. Ah, ah,

don't you think you

better cool down?

Don't you think

that's a good idea?

All right, everybody

get in the bag.

Everybody get in the bag now.

Now, come on, pal.

Now, now, we can't

fit in that bag.

You... I want you

in that bag now.

Jesus. I'm gonna have

to kill everybody.

All right.

Everybody, in the bag.

We're all gonna get

in the bag. Come on.

Here we go.

Everybody in the bag.

Police officer. Freeze.

[gunshot]

I don't want

to hurt anybody.

I don't. But I think

I'm going to have

to kill you all.

-You, you don't get

to go in the bag.

-I don't?

-I don't mind.

-No.

No, you don't deserve

to go in the bag.

Well, well, what do

I have to do to get

in there? Just tell me.

All right! That's enough.

You're asking for it, pal.

Sit down or you're dead.

Why don't you just go

home and shoot yourself?

Let these nice people

go about their business.

Don't make me shoot.

You detestable shitbox!

Get the hell out of my bar!

Get him!

I think I just found

what I'm looking for.

I think I just struck gold.

In New York City today,

three men at a bar

thwarted an armed-robbery

attempt and captured

the perpetrator.

John Brolin, who is

wanted in Oregon,

for a killing spree

at a drive-in movie

last December

that left four dead

and three wounded.

[John] You'll get it.

You hear me?

The three of you,

I'll kill you.

I'll kill you. You'll die.

You're dead.

[clicks tongue]

Two executives from

the Norbecker Brewery

were in the bar at that time

and were so impressed

by the men's courage,

that they immediately

offered the three,

two of whom are unemployed,

high-paying jobs

as spokespeople

for the brewery.

A representative

for Norbecker said,

"It is the courage of

the average American,

their guts and spirit

in the face of danger,

that has made

this country great."

Five thousand dollars, Mary,

and that's just for starters.

The residuals from the

commercials could run in the

tens of thousands of dollars.

What about your real job?

You're a lawyer.

What will Mr. Talbot think?

I know Talbot needs

me desperately.

-This will not affect my job.

-[music playing]

This will not affect my job.

Are you really going

to be on TV, Daddy?

-Michael, turn that down.

-[turns down volume]

Could it really

be that much?

It could be much more.

This solves everything.

All my financial problems.

What financial problems?

Get that radio off

your shoulder.

Do you hear me?

What money problems, Elliot?

Where did he get that?

You know, I work my whole

life to keep big radios

off your shoulders.

Now, what's for dinner?

Pasta! More pasta!

-Hi, Frankie.

-Hey, Angelina,

how's it going?

Pretty good. But I haven't

seen you around much lately.

-Well, I'm kinda busy.

-Angelina, Angelina...

She's been coming

around to see you.

Why don't you

talk with Angelina?

-But I did.

-Oh, go on. Talk.

-Hi, Angelina.

-Hi, Frankie.

We're all so proud of you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, excuse me. One minute.

Mom, Ma, Ma,

I almost forgot. Here.

This is for all the birthdays

when I couldn't afford

to buy you nothing.

Buy yourself something nice.

And find someone to help

you out around here.

A nice Italian lady. Okay?

Oh, Frankie.

No, Frankie.

You keep the money

for your future. Huh?

Ma...

I know you're going to

be a big star. My Frankie.

My baby.

Oh, my bambino.

So, what you going to do

with all your money, huh?

Yeah, well, I'm going

to save some, so I can

get my own apartment.

-Then I was thinking

of, you know...

-Oh, God. Oh, kill me.

-Mama, what's the matter?

Help. Here.

-I'm going to faint. Oh!

-Oh!

-What's the matter?

-What is it?

What is it?

-Frankie!

He wants to get

his own apartment.

[all gasp]

[sobs]

Is this true?

Yeah, I was thinking of

getting my own place.

After all, I'm 29 years old.

You know what you've

done to your mother?

All her life, she's done

nothing but for you.

And now, now you're

just going to go away?

Speak to your grandfather.

Tell him what

you're going to do.

Frankie.

[speaking Italian]

So, now you're

a big shot, huh?

Frankie.

Frankie, you getting

bopped from it yet?

-You bet.

-[speaking Italian]

It's okay.

Everything is okay.

[indistinct talking]

[Feemer] All right. We have

to go in there, relaxed.

Composed. With an

air of serenity.

But always alert,

stakes are high.

But we are going in there

with supreme confidence.

Now that,

that is the key word,

"confidence."

All right. Now I want

everybody to follow my lead.

Just be calm, be cool,

and be totally

self-possessed.

Mr. Norbecker, I think

the national news coverage

we got last night

was a million dollars of free

publicity for Norbecker Beer.

Don't you agree, sir?

B.D. here, is famous

for thinking on her feet.

I think she really

acquitted herself with

tremendous impunity.

When my grandfather

founded this business

in Germany, 87 years ago,

he knew the secret

of a successful beer.

He knew it was

not in the hops.

No. It was not

in the aging. No.

Do you know in

what is the secret

of a successful beer?

Ahh... What is it?

The secret of

a successful beer...

is advertising!

-Of course.

-Yeah.

-That makes sense.

-You see...

all beer is

essentially the same.

It is all fermented,

piss-colored water.

Hmm? Now...

I turn on

my television set,

what do I see?

I see the other

beer companies advertising

with celebrities,

with football players,

with actors,

familiar faces.

And what do we have?

What am I paying out

fifty millions of

my advertising dollars

a year for?

Unknowns!

Mr. Norbecker,

don't you see?

That's the beauty of it.

Who are they?

They've had national coverage

because of a heroic act.

But it is precisely

because they are

not celebrities

that the people

can relate to them.

That's the important thing.

So, I have three unknowns.

Do we have a concept?

-Yes.

-Do we have a concept?

[stammering] Mr. N.,

I have a concept that is so

sweet and delicious,

so, uh, zesty and tangy,

I'm drooling.

For Christ's sakes,

I'm drooling.

Oh, gee, I love these.

They're raisins.

Nature's little guys.

Do... Do you mind?

Mr. Norbecker,

what we have are three

average American men.

No actors.

No over-the-hill athletes.

Now, I've explained

the situation

to the three guys.

I've got them

under contract.

And with training from me,

I guarantee you

they'll be household names

before the thrust

of your campaign

even begins.

Hmm.

I mean, um...

If there is going to be

a campaign. Of course,

that's your decision.

[sneezing]

Ugh!

Jesus, I've got

raisins up my nose.

-Punch him.

-[coughing]

-Nincompoop.

-I'm okay.

My grandfather...

believed in the great

advertising men.

The German advertising men.

[coughs]

Men, such as

Pizzner and Gemp.

Oh, these...

These were not men.

These were advertising gods.

[wheezing]

But today, they are gone.

The best

and the greatest

of all time are gone.

[Dickler choking]

And today...

Today,

I have to put

my faith and my trust

in men like Dickler.

That is not a very

pretty picture, is it?

Oh, no, no.

I couldn't agree more.

Absolutely right.

Well, gentlemen,

this young lady

has saved your skins

to fight another day.

I am going to give you

one more chance.

Temporarily...

I will suspend

my negotiations

with Hark & Melrose Agency.

But, boys

and gal,

don't you dare

to let me down.

I don't normally

wear shirts with, uh,

squigglies on it.

[B.D.] You're not normal

anymore, Merle.

I think maybe this blue,

with those eyes. Oh, yes.

[chuckling]

I know it's all a little

too much for you right now,

but you'll get used to it.

And when you

get used to it,

you'll use it

to get what you want.

What do you want?

[clearing throat]

Well, right now, I wanna get

my damn car out of the pound.

It's gonna cost $75.

That's sweet.

You know, you have

a model's body.

It's so easy

to buy clothes for.

-[clears throat]

-Oh, yes, blue.

-Excuse me, Miss Tucker.

-B.D.

B.D. Now,

I appreciate the job

and all the money

I'm going to get,

the clothes and whatever,

but, um...

What exactly is it

that I'm supposed to do?

You are going to be

a role model for

our target audience.

Lower class, economically

unsuccessful men.

Men who reached out

for the American dream

and came up with

a beer in one hand

and their dicks in the other.

[laughs] Oh, well,

I guess that's me,

all right.

[both laughing]

-Good morning, guys.

-Good morning, Miss Tucker.

Buzz. Buzz,

this set is great.

I love it.

-Thank you, B.D.

-Are we on schedule?

-Slightly ahead.

-[B.D.] Good.

-Hello, boys.

-Good day,

Miss Tucker.

This is a big day for you.

Are you ready?

-It's very exciting.

-Yeah. Now, what do we do?

-You just tell us.

-Well, first of all,

-do you know your lines?

-Got 'em all up here.

Went over 'em

a million times.

Want to hear 'em?

[B.D.] No, that

won't be necessary.

The director

will tell you

when to speak.

All we got to know

is how to count

our money, right?

[all laughing]

Excuse me, Miss Tucker.

Now, you know, this script

here makes us out to be

a bunch of heroes.

Well, that may be bullshit.

But I just want you to know

that me and my amigos here

won't let you down.

You picked the right

kind of guys

for this sort of thing.

Why, we're

the kind of...

Oh, my God!

Hello, Miss Tucker.

-[B.D.] Mr. Brolin.

-Hi, guys.

Hello.

-What's he doing here?

-How come...

We bailed him out.

Buzz and I thought

it would be a nice touch

to have the real thief.

Well, I'll leave

you boys alone

to get reacquainted.

[mockingly]

Oh, please don't!

Oh, God! Help me!

Jesus, what a bunch

of babies!

All right. This man

is a total psychopath.

A vicious, amoral killer.

Right, John?

What?

I don't want to

see it in your eyes.

Get up!

Stand up!

Be Norbecker men!

I want to see you

eat this guy for breakfast.

Oh, my, my.

Well, if you don't

respect yourselves,

who do you respect?

I want you to

think about that.

He's right. I mean,

if you guys believe it, then

maybe I'll believe it, too.

We could really

get something going.

I think it's gonna be hot.

When me and my buddies

are drinking

Norbecker Pilsner,

we don't like

being disturbed.

Norbecker Pilsner.

Have one,

if you're tough enough.

Cut! Print. Fine.

-Thank you, gentlemen.

-[bell ringing]

[all chuckling]

How was it for you?

I think we had

some moments there.

I'm glad you're happy.

This is fantastic.

I'm in commercials,

and I'm making

all this money.

I mean, I always

dreamed I'd be famous.

Like you guys.

You're a lawyer.

Do you know anything

about residuals?

Well, I...

I'm in bankruptcy.

Well, I could refer...

Here, let me

give you my card.

Well, we'll have to talk.

Maybe give me some advice

on how to get an agent?

Maybe we'll take a lunch.

They want me

to do another national.

I... I think they're gonna

make me a Pepper.

Oh, yes!

Do we have to watch it here?

Why don't we watch it

at The Oak Room?

We'll get a real feel for it

in a place like this.

Besides, Dickler's

at The Oak Room.

Look at that

wide-screen television.

Come on!

Well, it does exude

a certain splendor

that reflects

the noble struggle

of the working class.

Just don't touch anything.

And don't use

the men's room.

-What time is it?

-10:43.

Oh, God. Any minute now.

[chuckling]

I'm as nervous as a tiny

little bunny rabbit.

It's on. It's on.

Hey, fellas,

watch the screen.

[narrator] What you're

about to see is a true story.

Earlier this year,

in a small

New York City bar,

three average American men

were enjoying their beer,

when suddenly...

[all screaming]

All right, boys,

this is a hold-up!

Hey, you three.

Get down on the floor

or I'll blow you away.

We're drinking

our Norbeckers,

can't you see?

We don't want

to be disturbed.

That's right.

Take a hike.

All right, dirtbags.

You asked for it.

You shouldn't

have done that.

[narrator]

When you've had enough.

You can't take anymore.

Because this country

was built by

your kind of man.

And it's glory

you're heading for.

So you rise up.

You take a stand.

I wasn't done

with my beer yet.

[narrator]

You face the challenge

and show the world

that you're a real man.

All right.

You've done your thing

and now it's over.

Now get out of here

and let us finish our beers.

Hey, scumbags.

♪ And if you've got the guts ♪

♪ If you're tough enough ♪

[chuckling]

♪ Norbecker ♪

When me and my buddies

are drinking

Norbecker Pilsner,

we don't like

being disturbed.

Norbecker Pilsner.

Have one,

if you're tough enough.

♪ If you're tough enough ♪

♪ Norbecker ♪

What did you think, fellas?

Those are the kind

of guys that made

this country great. Huh?

That's right.

That's damn right.

Dirty Harry don't have

nothing on those guys.

Wasn't it sensational?

Let's drink to those guys.

Yo, Eddie!

Another round down here.

Make them Norbeckers.

-Norbecker.

-Oh, this calls

for a celebration.

It's fantastic. Two more

Norbeckers down here.

In fact,

Norbeckers for everybody.

[all cheering]

We don't got

no Norbeckers.

You don't got

no Norbeckers?

Ernie, here's your usual.

Ernie, it's not Norbecker.

That's right, Ernie.

I want a Norbecker.

Come on, Ernie.

Give me a break, will ya?

I don't have it.

Here, drink this.

It's on the house.

No. What kind of

an American are you?

-I'm a good American.

-No, you're not.

Any red-blooded American

would know you should

drink Norbecker.

What are you saying?

I'm saying,

you're a dirty,

lousy Communist!

-I'll break your arm!

-I'll put you in the hospital!

Communist!

Don't touch me!

Don't touch me!

I'll kill ya!

What do you think?

You think you're tough?

Let me put it this way.

I'm tough enough.

♪ When you've had enough ♪

♪ Can't take anymore... ♪

-B.D., I think they really

like the commercial.

-[exclaims in joy]

I'm going to call

Mr. Norbecker and

give him the good news.

I'm exhausted anyway.

I think I'll mosey on

out of here.

♪ You face the challenge

And show the world ♪

♪ That you're a real man ♪

Well, that was

simple enough.

♪ Norbecker ♪

♪ Milwaukee, move over

St. Louis, lay down ♪

♪ Rolling big time

We're the new kid in town ♪

♪ At the corner bar

at a big league game ♪

♪ They're all chugging bottles

Bearing our name ♪

♪ The TV, billboards

and magazines ♪

♪ Drive-in movies

on the silver screen ♪

♪ Shots of guys

Strutting their stuff ♪

♪ They all wanna know

Are you tough enough? ♪

♪ You gotta take chances

All you need is a plan ♪

♪ Use what you got

Be the best that you can ♪

♪ Six billion gallons

Just last year ♪

♪ That's tons and tons

And tons of beer ♪

♪ You know I'm a man

Who likes his brew ♪

♪ Spreading the word

Is the least I can do ♪

♪ By the keg, by the case

By the six-pack ♪

♪ Got to move 'em out

Time to hit the road, Jack ♪

♪ You gotta take chances

All you need is a plan ♪

♪ Use what you got

Be the best that you can ♪

♪ Six billion gallons

Just last year ♪

♪ That's tons and tons

And tons of beer ♪

♪ You gotta take chances

All you need is a plan ♪

♪ Use what you got

Be the best that you can ♪

♪ Six billion gallons

Just last year ♪

♪ That's tons and tons

And tons of beer ♪

♪ Whoa! That's tons and tons

And tons of beer ♪

♪ Tons of beer ♪

♪ Yeah, that's tons

And tons and tons of beer ♪

♪ I say... ♪

Ah!

I have seen your graphs.

I have read your reports.

Can they be trusted?

Well, sir, I'll be

the first to admit that

it has been a struggle.

But our research indicates

that the current campaign

is an unqualified

success, sir.

I like the way

you put that.

But the word that comes

to my mind, if I may be

permitted to say so,

-is caution.

-Yeah.

Caution.

Let's be honest for

once in our life, okay?

-The whole thing could

fall apart at any moment.

-Mmm-hmm.

Now, if you really

want to ensure the success

of this campaign,

you're gonna have

to throw in some sex.

All right, all right.

Now imagine if you will,

a log cabin.

Okay, we're talking

an Abe Lincoln kind of

thing here, okay.

And our three guys

are up there, and they're in,

kind of, you know...

A party type of mood.

Do you understand

what I'm saying?

Okay, they've got

some girls there,

some good food.

And before long, a beer,

a Norbecker,

is tossed off

to Sheila over here.

[whistles] Sheila.

Okay, honey,

do your stuff.

Isn't that fantastic?

-Okay, honey,

now drink it.

-[can pops open]

-[gulps]

-You see, the sex

is hidden, subliminal.

An implied sexuality.

But it's there.

I think it's there.

What do you think?

-I don't like it.

-All right,

then picture this.

How about this? Longer cans.

Does that work for you?

I hate it.

Okay.

Thanks a lot, Sheila.

Take a walk.

I'll call you.

Mr. Norbecker, I'm sure

we're on track with

the campaign, as it is.

As I see it, we'll just

saturate the market

with the robbery spot

for the next two weeks.

The time is right

for another blitz.

A blitz. Yes.

Yes. And what happens

after this blitz?

Something different.

-All my life,

I was a champion...

-[B.D.] Frankie!

-Frankie!

-Hey, B.D. baby.

How's everything?

When you're finished

with makeup,

not that you need any,

I want you to go to wardrobe,

and then back to studio 2-A

for some tests.

No problem.

Elliot, I need to see you

in my office in 10 minutes.

Oh, B.D., I promised Mary

I'd spend the afternoon

with her and the kids.

This is important.

What is it?

Look, we love

what you're doing.

You're doing a terrific job.

-Keep it up.

-Thank you.

You have a slight

image problem.

What's the problem?

You're just not

black enough.

I like the way

black folks stand.

Don't we have

a funny stand?

Look at me.

We've got them

lips that hang.

[audience laughing]

But I like

black people, man.

I'm black.

[chuckling] Yeah.

And, you know,

they got break dancing.

They got their break dancing.

See, where they do

the moonwalk. And I know

how the shit started.

Some black man

was walking down

the street, drunk,

and he stepped

in some shit

and said, "Damn!"

-[exclaim]

-I always wonder why

niggas walk like this.

You ever wonder this?

Shit, man.

'Cause we go to jail.

And niggas, we try

to keep motherfuckers

off their ass.

-Yo! Yeah.

-[audience laughing]

My man, yo,

what it look like?

My man, yo,

what it look like?

[changes voice]

My man, yo,

what it look like?

[changes voice]

My man, yo,

what it look like?

Shit. Shit. Shit...

How come black men

always hold their dick?

There's just something

about standing in Harlem,

on the corner...

Just hold your dick.

"Oh, I forgot, I'm black.

Hold your dick."

I mean...

Yeah! Yeah. Hah!

On, and on,

and on, on, on...

♪ And the beat don't stop

till the break of dawn ♪

♪ You break it to the east

Break it to the west ♪

♪ Break it to the one

that you love the best ♪

♪ There's a party over here

A party over there ♪

♪ A party

in my underwear ♪

What you want, nigga?

Daddy!

-Dad... Dad was

just playing, son.

-[door closing]

All right, I need my boys.

-In 2-D, we'll run lines.

Where's Elliot?

-He's not here.

-What do you mean,

"he's not here"? Where is he?

-Well, I don't know.

[music playing]

[chuckling]

[scatting]

Hey, bro-ski, yo!

[exclaims]

Gimme five, Frank!

Yabba-dabba-doo!

Rafer, my man,

what it look like?

Wired up, home boy?

Would you like to

procure a watch?

It's genuine, real,

made in Switzerland.

Cost you five dollars, blood.

-No, I don't think so.

-Shut up!

B.D. baby, you know,

I've always had a soft spot

for y'all feminine types.

Loan me a dollar.

[scatting] Check it out.

[chuckling]

[turns off music]

What the hell

do you think

you're doing?

Well, it was just a thing

I was trying, B.D.

I'm not married to it.

Get up here.

Elliot. Elliot, you look

like you just stepped

out of the ghetto.

When I said black,

I didn't mean "black" black.

Well, I felt it was

sociologically correct

according to my

own field work.

It's all right, Elliot.

We'll fix it.

Get him to wardrobe.

Elliot, old son,

delightful improvisation.

Thank you, Mr. Beckerman.

You know, I could

kind of do a Michael Jackson

thing, kind of--

Fine, Elliot.

We'll use some

of that later.

[Elliot] Okay.

Thank you, Mr. Beckerman.

Have you been drinking?

Not yet.

Not yet. One day at a time.

All right, we're gonna

run lines in 2-D.

Come on, boys.

The set belongs

to Mr. Beckerman.

-Let's lock it up.

-[bell ringing]

Quiet!

-Roll sound.

-[man] Speed.

We have a film to make.

Beer to sell.

Scene five, take 54.

There's 220 million

Americans out there,

can't wait to have

their minds twisted and bent.

If I can't do it,

by God, nobody can!

Action!

[Feemer] Mr. Norbecker,

I think that there is

a marketing opportunity

that we're

overlooking here, sir.

And what is that?

[Feemer] Well, sir,

I'm talking about 51%

of the population.

It is a shad, shad same...

Uh... Sad, sad shame, sir,

that we're not able

to crack that female market.

But I want to let you know,

sir, that we have our

best men working on that.

Crackerjack individuals.

It's a fantastic

brain trust.

I am completely confident,

and totally and absolutely

wonderfully well-impressed

that we will prevail

on this problem,

and that we will be able

to garner those Norbecker

beer sales for the women.

I don't know, Harley.

My research shows that

women constitute only

20% of the beer market.

And it would appear

they are not an important

aspect of beer consumption.

Absolutely.

Don't give those women

another thought, sir.

[B.D.] But that does not

mean we can't use

women successfully

to sell more beer to men.

Use them. That's exactly

what I've been working on.

Gentlemen, I have a concept

I've been toying with

for quite a while.

And I think

its time has come.

A.J., we are going

to hit the beer drinkers

of America where it counts.

Below the belt.

How?

Norbecker Pilsner

is going to heat up

the battle of the sexes.

The American male

is going to

whip out his Norbecker.

Now you're talking.

...then she said,

"Stick this where?"

[all laughing]

You know, me and my buddies

like to get away

on the weekends.

Have a couple of laughs.

Go hunting or fishing.

We like to rough it.

But there's no point

in going anywhere

if you're not gonna get

stocked up on supplies.

That's right. That's why

we always have a good supply

of Norbecker on hand.

Yep.

Me and my buddies.

A case of Norbecker,

and let nature

take its course.

-♪ Whip it out ♪

-[whip cracking]

Is the commercial

over yet, guys?

-Not yet, honey.

-[all laughing]

-♪ Whip it out ♪

-[whip cracking]

[all] Come on, boys!

Whip out your Norbecker!

♪ Whip out your Norbecker ♪

[laughing]

How much time

before we go on?

Ten minutes, Elliot.

What are you so calm about?

We're about to go

in front of 20 million people.

Oh, relax, guys.

It ain't no different than

doing the damn commercials.

It is different.

We're not selling beer.

For once,

people want to hear

what we want to say.

I've seen all your

commercials. I just think

you guys are so sexy.

-Oh, yeah?

-I think you look

just gorgeous.

Gorgeous, huh? I wonder

if they think I'm so gorgeous

back in Lubbock.

What do you care

about Lubbock?

You're big-time now.

I'm just a little

homesick, that's all.

All done, cowboy.

[Frankie] Hey, beautiful.

Need a touch-up here.

You know, I just love

doing you guys.

-[Frankie] Yeah, I can tell.

-So, how about you and I

getting together some time?

Hey, with Frankie Falcone,

anything's possible.

Here's my number.

It's been a real kick

doing your face, Frankie.

All you guys.

Another notch

in your revolver,

old buddy?

[country music playing]

-Here you go, Merle.

-Why, thank you, honey.

Oh, I love women.

Just love 'em.

Of course,

my standards are high.

I've got good taste in women,

and also in the kind

of beer I drink.

I run around with

good-lookin' women.

And when I'm through,

I like to relax

with my buddies,

compare notes,

and drink

a Norbecker Pilsner.

My beer and my women

have a lot in common.

They both leave me

feeling better

after I've had one.

[blows]

You know what I mean.

♪ Whip out your Norbecker ♪

[whip cracking]

[mixed cheers and boos]

Well, there it is.

I see we have some

tempers flaring.

I myself am feeling

extremely controversial.

So, let's speak out.

Yes? Speak up.

I'm a housewife,

and I'd just like

to know what they think

that specific commercial

says about women.

[audience applauding]

If one of you ladies might

ask an intelligent question,

-we might get

something done here.

-[audience jeering]

Wait a minute,

Mr. Falcone.

I mean, there is no need

to insult the women

in the audience.

Or is there?

Let's find out.

The whole male attitude

that a woman who doesn't

live up to the male

standard of beauty

is gonna miss out

on something

is disgusting!

[audience cheering]

You know, we're just

making a bunch

of beer commercials.

Now, what the hell

is all the yelling about,

is what I'd like to know.

Oh, come on, fellas.

Those commercials

are saying,

"Have beer and sex

with a beautiful woman.

Not an average,

ordinary, everyday woman,

but a beautiful woman."

And what's wrong with that?

-Let's find out.

-[audience jeering]

I lost my job because

my company had to hire

more damn women

and now

I'm unemployed.

[audience groaning]

I just got married.

My wife gained 100 pounds

and grew a mustache.

I swear to God.

[audience laughing]

That has nothing

to do with what we're

talking about.

Or does it?

Let's find out.

Yes, speak up.

I'd like to address

my question to Mr. Falcone.

Speak up.

You don't really

see women that way?

Oh, yeah, I do.

You know, you guys,

you've got the success.

You got the recognition.

Are you happy?

Well, my wife and I,

we've both discussed

this at great length,

and we've both come

to the conclusion that...

Well, this is the best

profession for me to be in

at the present time.

So what you're saying

is that you do

these commercials

with total disregard

of who you may offend,

as long as you get paid.

Well, no, wait.

Now that's not

what I was saying.

Oh, come on, now.

You're doing it

for the money.

[audience] Yeah.

Well, I suppose so.

And what's wrong with that?

Let's find out.

You know, my husband,

he works a 9:00 to 5:00 job.

He supports me

and he's sending our three

kids through college.

He doesn't drink beer.

He doesn't drink any alcohol.

And you know something,

to me, he's the hero.

[audience cheering]

-Speak up.

-You know, I own

a sporting goods store,

-but I used to play pro ball.

-Hey, that's...

That's Mack Truck...

Mack Truck Mackenzie.

[grunting]

-[chuckling]

-He's my hero. All right.

You know, I just want to say,

I think you guys

are the greatest.

Hey. Come on...

You guys are real men.

And you ladies should be

proud to have sons

-just like Frankie Falcone.

-That's right.

And what's wrong with

Merle and Elliot, huh?

Personally,

I don't blame them.

It's the person who

created the commercials

that's to blame.

It's the male

chauvinist pig

who thought of it.

[audience cheering]

We invited the producer,

Mr. B.D. Tucker,

-but he declined.

-Uh... Bob...

-It's not Mr. B.D. Tucker,

it's Miss B.D. Tucker.

-[audience gasping]

She's a lady.

And a very beautiful lady,

I might add.

[laughing]

Now, that is controversial.

Thank you very much,

ladies and gentlemen.

We're running out of time.

Please tune in tomorrow.

We have a wonderful show.

We're going to have

an orthodox rabbi

and Adolf Hitler's chef.

Thank you!

[Frankie] Look, I haven't

been myself lately.

It has nothing

to do with you.

It's not your fault.

I'm totally responsible.

I'm so sorry.

I mean, you're cool.

You're Frankie Falcone,

you're cool.

You're Frankie. I mean,

you are the greatest

and the best.

You are the perfect lover.

I have lousy technique,

I know it.

I mean, I have

no business

sleeping with anybody. [sobs]

Shh! I'll call you.

-You will? When?

-Soon.

[sighing] Oh, boy.

Yes, my son.

You have a confession?

Father, I haven't been

to confession in a while.

I had nowhere else to go.

I didn't know

who else to talk to.

Well, you can

talk to me.

It will make you

feel better.

Come on, now.

Confess your sins.

I don't know

how to say it.

It's just that I

feel so frustrated

and ashamed.

Frustrated and ashamed.

Well, that's something.

Let's hear about that.

-Father?

-Yes, my son.

[whispering]

I can't get it up.

-What?

-I can't get it up.

Can't get what up?

[whispering]

My cock.

-Your what?

-[loudly] My cock.

[echoing] Your cock?

What am I gonna do?

Try to forget about it.

Try to relax.

Go out with the boys.

Have a few beers.

[Frankie] Hey, let's face it.

For a guy like me,

women are easy.

But a great beer, well,

that's hard to come by.

When it comes to women,

I like to shop around.

But when it comes

to beer, I'm devoted.

Norbecker Pilsner.

It's the only beer

I grab for.

♪ Whip it out ♪

Hey! Let me see

those beauties.

♪ Whip it out ♪

I can always

get a better girl.

But I can't get

a better beer.

[in unison]

So come on, guys!

Whip out your Norbecker.

-♪ Whip out your Norbecker ♪

-[whip cracking]

How's about a nice,

cool one, kids?

Help yourselves, boys.

The statistics also show

that last year,

five billion gallons of beer

were sold

in this country alone.

That is a mere drop

in the beer barrel,

if I may say so.

But we have far more

important fish

than that to fry.

What you are about

to hear and see...

must not leave this room.

Soon, we will have

garnered the lion's share

of the American

beer market.

But then...

on to Europe.

First, ladies

and gentlemen,

I will establish

a foothold in France.

The French do not

drink that much beer,

but they will learn,

as will they all learn.

Belgium.

Czechoslovakia. Holland.

I will smash Heineken.

And then...

Then...

The Anschluss.

Germany.

Yes, Germany. Even Germany.

Following a surprise

advertising blitz

which you, meine Liebchen,

will manage for me.

I will crush them...

like a...

Like a pocket

full of beetles.

[announcer]

And the Giants kick off.

The Sheikh

gets off a good one.

Hey, Mary. Bring me

another Norbecker.

[announcer] We'll be back

after this message

from Norbecker Pilsner.

[music playing on TV]

You know, I don't have to

go out with my buddies

to have a good time.

I can have

a good time right here.

Honey!

If I want to go out

with the boys, I'll do it.

But sometimes,

it's more convenient

to stay home.

Two things

that go together.

Satin sheets

and silky skin.

A good woman,

and a great beer.

Why don't you

go on upstairs, sweetie?

I'll be there

in a minute.

♪ Whip it out ♪

Norbecker Pilsner.

Come on, guys.

Whip out your Norbeckers.

-[growling]

-♪ Whip out your Norbecker ♪

Honey, where's that

other Norbecker?

Ow! Mary!

[woman] We women have

worked long and hard

for social changes.

And now... This beer,

makes women objects

to be used

and tossed aside

like empty beer cans.

Women unite. Join this fight.

I love 'em.

Every time one of those

feminists opens her mouth,

sales go up

another half point.

-Yes.

-Where's the ketchup?

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Norbecker Pilsner is

enjoying a 50%

share of the market at last.

Beer consumption

is on the rise.

And guess whose beer

is being sold the most?

[all] Norbecker.

Alcoholism, divorce,

violence in the streets.

We're doing great.

You have made me

a very happy man.

Now, tell me something.

Where are my

Norbecker fellows?

They are a ball

of fun, those guys.

-Ah, B.D.?

-Ah, Buzz is flying them

in his plane to California.

They're there to do

the beach spots, you

know, with, the girls.

Ah. Cherries jubilee.

My favorite.

Now, tell me something.

This new campaign of yours,

it is ironclad?

It's foolproof.

They should be

landing just about now.

[whistling and exploding]

[Buzz] Yes, sir. Mayday.

Mayday. Mayday. Mayday.

Ah, boys...

Our radio's busted.

Shit. They'll send

planes to look for us,

won't they, Buzz?

I don't think so.

Well, of course

they'll send a plane.

They've got to.

We're famous.

-They won't know

where to look.

-What are you talking about?

I've never believed

in the formalities

of flight plans.

Buzz Beckerman does

not get rescued.

Neither do people

with Buzz Beckerman.

We're going to walk

out of here.

I ain't walking nowhere.

These new boots

are killing me.

How far do you think

you can get? It could be

hundreds of miles.

I'm pulling out

in that direction,

beyond those red hills.

Vaya con Dios.

Buzz! Wait a minute, Buzz.

Hold it. If you come with me,

you'll travel light.

Nothing but the essentials.

Just the beer.

"Vanished without a trace.

Little hope of survival.

Search continues."

If I just had some time.

[exhales]

Maybe we could

buy a little time.

I don't want to

sound cold-blooded

or anything, but, uh,

if we're lucky, they won't

find the bodies for

a couple of weeks.

In the meantime,

we'll pump the media

well dry.

This is a terrific

idea. Yeah.

-She's got something there.

-A.J.?

The whole business is

so very unfortunate.

-Feemer.

-Yes, sir?

How do I stand ethics wise

on a thing like this?

It won't cost you

a dime, sir.

Good.

Oh, Lord.

How am I going to get

these shitboxes moving?

All right, all right.

-Go on!

-I'm going. I'm going.

Ha!

-He's not human.

-Thank God for that.

No human being

could get us out of here.

[Buzz] All right, lads,

step up here.

Come on, now. Come right

ahead with lethargy.

Careful now. Careful.

Come on, come on.

Let's see you now against

this jutting promontory.

Straighter, up! Wait!

Buzz!

Buzz!

[screaming]

Help me! Help!

I didn't stand by him

the way I should have.

[Mary] All he wanted to do

was go out with the boys

and have a few beers.

Now he's dead.

[sobbing]

[newscaster] Total News

has contacted another

grieving friend,

who wanted to share

his deep and personal

loss with us.

They were a great

bunch of guys.

They gave me my

start in show business.

I owe them my whole career.

I'm gonna miss them a lot.

All three of them.

By the way, there's

something I'd like to add.

You know what happens

to pretty boys like

me in prison?

Total News is producing

a week-long

Buzz Beckerman retrospective

to honor the memory

of one of the world's

great filmmakers.

Check your local listings

for this moving tribute.

[howling]

[mumbling]

Come on, Buzz, now,

you gotta have a drink.

-Come on.

-Oh!

No. One day at a time.

One day at a time.

[screeching]

[piano playing]

The control tower had

no trace of the plane at all.

It's really quite tragic.

I mean, God knows,

I hope they find the bodies

but something's come up

that may make that

counter-productive,

I don't know, I like

the funeral concept idea.

More free media coverage.

No, Harley,

let me finish.

I was on the horn

this morning

with Gary Cross.

He sees a TV movie in this.

If a movie pulls the numbers,

they'll go with this.

A one-hour primetime series,

starring three phantom

beer-drinking crime fighters.

Using the Norbecker

name throughout,

three beer-drinking ghosts.

Gentlemen...

This has an

almost mythical feeling

about it.

-There is something there.

-Tell me something, B.D.,

what happens if they

find the bodies?

There you see,

we'd have the three flies

in our ointment.

We take another meeting

and we come up with

another concept.

Oh, plus, the Buzz Beckerman

retrospective is in the bag.

Seven nights, prime time,

sponsored by

Norbecker Pilsner.

Whom else?

-Why not.

-Here we are.

I am delighted,

I'm tickled pink, I couldn't

be more pleased.

In fact, I think

that we completely...

Pardon, Monsieur Feemer.

There is a telephone call

for you.

Thank you, senor.

Feemer here.

I'll get back to you.

They found them.

Shit.

Excuse me,

let me through.

-Excuse me.

-It's Elliot's wife.

It's his wife,

it's his wife.

I want close-ups.

I want angles.

I want coverage.

Get in there!

Oh, Buzz. Oh, oh!

Buzz Beckerman, everybody.

Award-winning director.

Give him a hand, huh.

-Elliot.

-Mary?

Oh, my God, Mary,

I missed you so much.

How are the kids?

-What kids?

-We can work it out

I know we can.

-Work what out?

-Be careful

with this one.

Oh! Please, be careful,

you idiot.

Thank God, Merle.

I've been so worried,

I've been sick,

did you miss me, Merle?

I cried, would you

believe me? I cried.

Look at this. Did you see

anything like this?

The advertising value.

The tie-ins alone.

Frankie, B.D. baby

is here.

All right, guys,

you can take

your pictures now,

we've got our Norbecker

heroes back, and they're

tougher than ever.

Smile guys. Smile.

Your public loves you.

Wave.

Can you wave, huh?

-B.D.!

-All right guys,

that's it, thank you.

-B.D.!

-Mary, isn't it wonderful?

-Where's my husband?

-He's fine. He's fine.

-I've got his TV wife

with him right now.

-His TV wife?

But listen to me,

I will arrange for you

to see him later.

No, I want to

see him now.

No, listen, Mary,

you can't start screwing

around with reality here.

Elliot!

Mary?

You get your hands

off my husband. Bitch.

It's fantastic, sir.

Can you believe it? With all

our planning and scheming

they mean more to us

alive than they do dead.

I can't get over it.

Our distributors have

actually doubled

their orders.

And we cannot

even keep up with

the demand.

Good morning,

I'm sorry I'm late,

I was at the hospital.

I just spoke to Buzz.

He came out of his coma

this morning.

So? Yes?

Gentlemen, he got it

all on film.

That... That is it?

That is all that

they have got?

[B.D.] Well, we can't

use any of this.

[Feemer] They're a bunch

of schlemiels.

Three total schlemiels.

-[Dickler] I'm sick.

-Now, where's

the heroic stuff?

The camera broke

when I busted my leg.

Three schlemiels.

That is what you

have got.

They saved my life,

damn it.

But the film

doesn't show it.

Might as well

have never happened.

I can fix that.

How?

I burned down Chicago

on a sound stage.

I parted the Red Sea.

I made Alan Ladd

six feet tall.

You think I can't

turn three schlemiels

into heroes?

You shitbox.

Don't look there, Frankie.

They should be

climbing faster.

A Norbecker guy

is a better climber

than that.

Run the film through

there faster.

Speed up the film.

Right, sure,

no problem.

Look out below!

Hold on, Buzz.

I want both of these men

to wear the Norbecker hats.

Okay. Make a note

of that, B.D. Hats.

I want to be able to read

Norbecker on the

side of the hat.

Norbecker Pilsner

took us to hell and back.

Have one, if you're

tough enough.

[all laughing]

This is bullshit.

What the hell

am I doing here?

Get out of the desert.

Put me back in the desert.

Give me a fake Buzz.

Right, Buzz?

That's highly

irregular, sir.

-What's going on here?

-These guys

are impossible.

Beckerman still

hasn't shown up yet.

And neither has Elliot.

Nobody knows where they are.

I've got Harry over there,

trying to direct.

Quiet on the set.

It's magic time.

Shit.

My boys

are still here.

Who says they don't

make western heroes

like they used to?

What's the delay,

Miss Tucker?

Nothing I can't

handle, sir.

Beckerman.

You're drunk,

you're disgusting,

you're fired.

You're not mad

at old Buzz,

are you?

Get out of here!

Get off the set!

Sorry, boys.

You did it, honey.

You fooled them

with a goddamn

bottle of beer,

what an old fool I am.

For making movies

to make people laugh or cry.

That's crap compared to

what you've done.

Here's looking

at you, kid.

[bottle shattering]

Goodnight, sweet prince.

Come on, Buzz.

[groans]

Thank you.

It's all right.

I can walk.

[coughing]

All right, let's get back

on the set.

[clears throat] Uh, B.D.,

we're not happy,

we don't want to

do any more commercials.

That's right,

we're walkin'.

Are you crazy? We're just

beginning with this thing,

get back on the set.

Is everything

all right, Miss Tucker?

Everything is

just fine, sir.

Wait a minute,

I said get back

on the set.

What are you...

What do you

think you're doing?

Where are

you going?

Merle, do I have to

get down on my knees?

It's been a hell of a ride,

B.D., but it just don't seem

right anymore.

Doesn't seem right?

Will you stop walking?

I'm talking to you

for Christ's sake.

You can't think

of leaving now.

Not now,

you're American heroes.

[scoffs]

You know, B.D.,

you're just about one of the

smartest ladies I've ever met.

And you've taught me

a hell of a lot.

And I'm grateful to you

for all that.

But you're gettin' to be

like one of your commercials.

You're just not real.

[announcer] This year's

Clio Award winner for the best

national campaign,

B.D. Tucker,

the Feemer Agency,

for Norbecker Pilsner.

[all cheering]

[Norbecker jingle playing]

We in advertising

are the trusted keepers

of the public faith.

We must never let dishonesty,

cynicism or greed blind us

to our primary responsibility

of dispensing

accurate information

about the products

we represent.

I think I'll call

Mary again.

No. Don't tie up

the phone.

When Elliot comes

to his senses, he'll call.

I should have

seen this coming.

What are you,

a psychiatrist?

I'm worried as hell.

Try to relax.

He'll call.

Turn on the tube.

What do you

want to watch?

Come on,

get out of here.

Do you know

who I am?

I don't care who you are.

You don't start

fights in here.

Get out of here.

I'm a Norbecker man.

That's what they

want me to be.

That's what I'll be.

I just do

what I'm told. Right?

-Yeah. Sure.

-No, right.

I've been in this business

longer that any of them.

I know what

I'm talking about.

I'm an idea man.

What do they know

about advertising?

That's what it says

on the label.

My wife wants me

to be a lawyer.

Screw your wife.

You'll work in construction.

You're working construction.

And after a hard day's work,

you reach for some

Norbecker beer.

You get a beer.

Everyone gets a beer and

then you hold them up.

I'm fired. I'm sacked.

I'm unemployed.

I thought it would work.

It was a great idea.

What does Feemer know?

Feemer's a moron.

And Dickler,

Dickler is an idiot.

They're all morons

and idiots.

Every one of them.

I'm falling apart.

I need a drink.

These are guys.

I'm home.

This is America.

They look like those guys

on the commercials.

Hey, come on, all right.

-Whoa, whoa.

-Excuse me, sir.

Shit. Let me

buy you a drink.

All right.

Let's see if we can

get into some trouble.

Bartender.

Let me have

a man's drink over here.

A couple of boilermakers

for me and my buddy.

This is great.

I've got to get out

more often.

Have I seen you

here before?

Nope. I don't get out much.

My Mary won't let me.

-Do you know what

I feel like doing?

-What?

Let's make this

a boys' night out.

I won't tell

if you don't tell.

You're intriguing me.

-Joel!

-But first, we drink.

Now, there are those who say

that we manipulate the public.

[all laugh]

But I say that

we create

positive images.

Role models for the

American family to follow.

[phone ringing]

Hi, guys. It's me.

Elliot, where

the hell are you?

What's the name

of this place?

It's The Tool Box.

It's The Tool Box.

Jesus Christ.

Elliot, stay there.

All right?

Let's go.

♪ A turkey sat

on the backyard fence ♪

[all]

♪ On Thanksgiving day ♪

♪ And as he sat

on the backyard fence ♪

♪ This is what he'd say ♪

♪ Gobble, Gobble, Gobble,

Gobble, Gobble, Gobble ♪

♪ On Thanksgiving day ♪

♪ Gobble, Gobble, Gobble,

Gobble, Gobble, Gobble ♪

♪ I would like to

run away ♪

-[people cheering]

-[tires screeching]

I would like to thank

Buzz Beckerman for his

unique vision and brilliance.

Buzzy, wherever you are,

I love you.

[belching]

And last but not least,

three very

important people...

The Norbecker men.

♪ If you've got the guts

if you're tough enough ♪

There he is.

These are my guys. I want you

to meet all my new buddies.

They're swell.

[chuckles]

How are you doin'?

This is great, we're just

a bunch of guys

having a good time

like in the beer commercial.

[man] Hey, it's Merle.

It's Frankie.

Elliott.

You guys are

just wonderful.

We watch you

all the time.

We have all

your commercials

on video.

Jesus Christ, let's get

out of here, Elliot.

Why do I have to go?

I'm having fun.

He doesn't

want to go.

Listen, twinkle toes,

he's our friend.

We want him

out of here.

-It's not your business.

-He stays.

I love being

fought over.

Elliot, get down

from there.

Get out of my way,

you pervert. You're talking

to a real man.

♪ Guess how this

country was built ♪

♪ By your kind of man ♪

♪ And it's glory

you're heading for ♪

♪ And if you've

got the guts ♪

♪ If you're tough enough

Norbecker ♪

Here at Norbecker Brewery,

things are bubbling over

as sales of Norbecker Beer

continue to plummet

in response to

last week's arrest

of the so-called

Norbecker men,

in a gay bar.

We contacted Adolph Norbecker

by telephone and he stated,

"I look at this not

as a devastating blow,

but as a great opportunity

to expand into new

and exciting markets."

One wonders what Norbecker

is going to try

to sell us next.

You know, making beer

all day can be mighty

exhausting work.

That is why when the old

six o'clock whistle blows

us Norbecker guys

like to get together

in the steam room

for a little schvitz

and some chitter-chatter.

But as you can see,

it can get mighty hot

and sweaty in here.

That is why I always

bring along plenty of

new Norbecker Lite.

Because,

it satisfies my thirst,

it cools me down,

and yet it helps me keep

my trim, hard figure.

New Norbecker Lite

is brewed with the same

caring and sensitivity

as our regular beer.

You look wonderful, Adolph.

Have you been pumping iron?

Norbecker Lite.

One-third

of the calories

but the same

delicacy and refinement.

Okay, make room

for big daddy, boys.

Whoo! It is hot.

Norbecker.

Take it in the bottle.

Or take it in the can.

Have one. If you're

sensitive enough.

Okay, boys, let's go.

The last one in

is not a sissy.

[men cheering]

♪ Milwaukee, move over

St. Louis, lay down ♪

♪ Rollin' big time

We're the new kid in town ♪

♪ At the corner bar

At a big league game ♪

Welcome home, baby.

♪ They're all chuggin' bottles

Bearing our name ♪

Frankie!

♪ Drive-in movies

On the silver screen ♪

♪ Shots of guys

Strutting their stuff ♪

♪ They all want to know

Are you tough enough? ♪

♪ You gotta take chances

All you need is a plan ♪

♪ Use what you got

Be the best that you can ♪

♪ Six billion gallons

Just last year ♪

♪ That's tons and tons

And tons of beer ♪

♪ You know I'm a man

Who likes his brew ♪

♪ Spreading the word

Is the least I can do ♪

♪ By the keg, by the case

Or by the six-pack ♪

♪ Got to move 'em out

Time to hit the road, Jack ♪

♪ You gotta take chances

All you need is a plan ♪

♪ Use what you got

Be the best that you can ♪

♪ Six billion gallons

Just last year ♪

-So long, suckers.

-♪ That's tons and tons

And tons of beer ♪

♪ You gotta take chances

All you need is a plan ♪

♪ Use what you got

Be the best that you can ♪

♪ Six billion gallons

Just last year ♪

♪ That's tons and tons

And tons of beer ♪

♪ Well, you know I'm a man

Who likes his brew ♪

♪ Spreadin' the word

Is the least I can do ♪

♪ By the keg, by the case

Or by the six-pack ♪

♪ Got to move 'em out

Time to hit the road, Jack ♪

♪ You gotta take chances

All you need is a plan ♪

♪ Use what you got

Be the best that you can ♪

♪ Six billion gallons

Just last year ♪

♪ That's tons and tons

And tons of beer ♪

♪ You gotta take chances

All you need is a plan ♪

♪ Use what you got

Be the best that you can ♪

♪ Six billion gallons

Just last year ♪

♪ That's tons and tons

And tons of beer ♪

♪ Milwaukee, move over

St. Louis, lay down ♪

♪ Rolling big time

We're the new kid in town ♪

♪ At the corner bar

At a big league game ♪

♪ They're all chugging bottles

Bearing our name ♪

♪ On TV, billboards

And magazines ♪

♪ Drive-in movies

On the silver screen ♪

♪ Shots of guys

Strutting their stuff ♪

♪ They all wanna know

Are you tough enough? ♪

♪ You gotta take chances

All you need is a plan ♪

♪ Use what you got

Be the best that you can ♪

♪ Six billion gallons

Just last year ♪

♪ That's tons and tons

And tons of beer ♪

♪ You know I'm a man

Who likes his brew ♪

♪ Spreading the word

Is the least I can do ♪

♪ By the keg, by the case

Or by the six-pack ♪

♪ Got to move 'em out

Time to hit the road, Jack ♪

♪ You gotta take chances

All you need is a plan ♪

♪ Use what you got

Be the best that you can ♪

♪ Six billion gallons

Just last year ♪

♪ That's tons and tons

And tons of beer ♪

♪ You gotta take chances

All you need is a plan ♪

♪ Use what you got

Be the best that you can ♪

♪ Six billion gallons

Just last year ♪

♪ That's tons and tons

And tons of beer ♪