Beer (1985) - full transcript

An advertising firm, desperate to keep an account from a financially-ailing brewery, concocts a macho ad campaign centering on three losers who inadvertently prevent a robbery at a bar.

foodval.com - stop by if you're interested in the nutritional composition of food
---
[woman]
...winners this time, huh?

[man] Oh, you enjoy
being buried in the sand.

[laughter]

♪ Michelob Light
for the winners ♪

[narrator] Would good
friends really play
this hard for a beer?

Well, it is Michelob Light.

The rich smooth taste
you can compare
to any beer you like.

♪ Michelob light
for the winners ♪

[on phone] Feemer,
this is Adolph Norbecker,

President of
Norbecker Breweries.

I just called to tell
you that I'm watching
some beer commercials.



And I am just loving
what I am seeing.

There is only one problem
of course, Feemer,

they're not my
beer commercials.

Oh, look at it,
oh, I wish you
could see this.

They have speed boats
going back and forth,
full of guys and girls.

And what have you
created for me?

What have you
and your brain trust
made for me?

A six-pack of nonsense

and I am not just
whistling Dixie cups here.

I'm going to the
Hark & Melrose Agency for
lunch this afternoon, Feemer.

And I am going to see
can they make me a commercial

that will keep
my viewers awake!

[slamming phone]

[indistinct chatter]



I like your suit.

Who's your tailor?

Borrow it anytime
you like, Dickler.

D-Y-K-E.

[Feemer] Gentlemen,
good morning.

[all] Good morning,
Mr. Feemer.

Grace, I wouldn't be surprised
if some of the gentlemen

wouldn't perhaps
enjoy a cup of coffee

as per usual in our
conference room meetings.

[Grace] Yes, Mr. Feemer.

Gentlemen, I, uh,

I just got off the phone
with A.J. Norbecker.

The man responsible
for 62% of our business.

Ah, I know, it's ridiculous,
but there you have it.

He doesn't seem
very pleased

with our current ad
campaign for Norbecker Beer.

Well, if you'll peruse
the graph behind me here,

you'll notice that
sales of Norbecker Beer
are tapering off a bit.

In fact...
They're plummeting!

Word has it that Norbecker's
already talking with the
Hark & Melrose Agency.

It's true. It's true.
I am not fabricating
this one iota.

Of course,

I reminded Mr. Norbecker
that I have the best
Ad men that money can buy.

Masters in their field.

Prize winning Ad men.
The top, top Ad men that
you can look at.

Of course, I lied.
I told a whopper!

You're not Ad men.
You're not the top, top.
You're the bottom, bottom.

The little, little, tiny,
weeny, little maggots,

walking around in this
kind of configuration.
You are bird-witted bunglers.

Cabbage-headed twits.
Am I right, Reemer?

-Yes.
-You're fired.

Get out. Pack up your locker.

Put all your things
in a little bag and
walk on out of here.

Don't look back.
Press the "down" button.

Gentlemen...

I promised Mr. Norbecker
that we would come up

with a brand new concept
to sell Norbecker Beer.

Ah, Smythe, you're
the creative director.

Ah, have you got anything
you can throw out at us here?

Ah, ah, yes,
I certainly do.
I certainly do.

I put together
something here, um...

We get a bunch of guys,
they work in construction.

And after a hard day's work,

they reach for some
Norbecker Beer.

They all reach for a beer.
Each one gets a beer.

Then they hold them up.

Yes?

That's it.

Symthe, you're fired!

Get out. Take your lunch box.

Walk on down the hall.
Skate on out of here.
Use the service entrance.

Get out. Get out! Get out!

It was an idea. It was an
idea that I had. I thought
they'd hold them up...

-[Feemer] Get out!
-It was something that...

Out, Smythe, get out!

Now, who is it, uh,
that we're trying
to appeal to

with our current
ad campaign for
Norbecker Beer?

Gentlemen, who drinks
Norbecker Beer?

-Mr. Feemer?
-Yes, Miss Tucker.

What does the lady
executive have to say?

Mr. Feemer, I think
I know the kind of image
we want for Norbecker.

-You do?
-Mmm-hmm.

Enlighten us.

Mr. Feemer,

we need a specific kind of man
to represent our product.

He needs to be
very, very special.

[B.D.] A man with class.
A man who exudes an aura.

A man for the '80s.
And yet, someone with whom
every man can identify,

because that's
who drinks beer.

[horns honking]

Cone on. Move that car!

Nearly six billion
gallons of it last year
in this country alone.

Now, although women
constitute a negligible
segment of the market,

the guy we're looking for,
should appeal to them as well.

-A man's man that
every guy can relate to.
-You're fired.

Sure of himself. Secure.

A man who stands out.

-[boy] Bye, Dad.
-Okay. Take it easy.

Have a good day.

[B.D.] And yet blends in.

A man driven to
be an individual

when society
demands conformity.

America wants
one of their own.

Let the people
see a reflection

just a little bit nicer
than they expected.

A man who
chases his dreams

and won't let go
until he runs them down

and makes them real.

Hey, it ain't paid
for yet, God damn it!

What I'm saying,
Mr. Feemer, is,

let's show an average man
with the brains and savvy
to stay on top of the world.

Excuse me, B.D.

But if he's got
brains and savvy,

who is going to
identify with him?

[all laugh]

Certainly not you, Dickler.

[laughing loudly]

[Feemer] B.D., I like it.

I'm not sure what it is,
but it's got something.

See what you can
work up on this.

You've got carte blanche
on this one.

Everyone here will help.

Look at them as a think tank.

A fantastic brain trust.

A fertile reserve of
concentrated thought.

The creme de la creme.

Now, if we all put our heads
together on this one,

God knows what
we'll come up with.

[music playing]

What's your angle
on this, B.D.?

Oh, right now,
concept-wise,
I'm winging it.

I've got a beer
in search of an image

and that's where
you come in, Buzz.

Do the brewery people
know that I'm on board?

I broke the news to
Norbecker this morning.

How'd they take it?

Well, I'm not going to
lie to you. They weren't
crazy about it, Buzz.

I had to really
go to bat for you.
I really fought them.

But they want macho.
And if anybody can
give me macho, it's you.

My two-time award winner.

World War II flying ace. Huh?

I haven't worked
in 10 years.

King of the westerns.

Washed up alcoholic.

Dry alcoholic.
On the wagon.

You're not going to give me
a problem, are you, Buzz?

You just put me behind
that camera again.

You got it, Buzzy.

I lost my job today.

I'm such a moron.

My mom's going to kill me.

So, ah... What's your name?

-Merle.
-I'm Frankie.

You know something, Merle?
You don't look too good.
From out of town?

I've been working
my way north from Lubbock.

That's in West Texas.

I feel like I've been
kicked out of every state
between here and there.

But I reckon this here
is the end of the line.

My car was towed away.

Welcome to the Big Apple.

Well, I'm gonna get
towed away myself.

I'm going to get wrecked,
then towed away.

Hey, Freddie, two more here.

And don't make 'em all foam.

[coughs]

Ah, you must be, ah,

Washington.

Ah, no sir. I'm Morrison.
Elliot Morrison.

Oh, yes, Morrison. Morrison.

What can I do
for you, Morrison?

Mr. Talbot, um...

I've been with this firm
for close to eight years now.

Excellent.

Well, I'm still handling
mostly bankruptcy cases,

but no corporate accounts.

That's fine.

You see, that's just what
I wanted talk to you about.

Sir, I feel like I've been
passed over by this firm.

I hope you're not
accusing us of unfair
discriminatory practices.

-No, sir.
-No, sir.

Well, that's fine. Excellent.

Mr. Talbot,
I need an advance.

I'm in a little bit
of personal financial
difficulty.

I'm overextended
on some investments.

Did you use your
little toothbrush?

I want to see
my face in my shoes.

Yes, sir.

Mr. Talbot, I've got to
have this advance. My wife...

My wife she doesn't
even know. I... I...
I've got to have it.

Calm down, Washington.
Calm down.

I'll think about the advance.

Meanwhile,
you stay in bankruptcy.

That way you'll have
the experience to
handle your own case.

[chuckling]

[narrator on TV]
The clean crisp taste
that says Budweiser.

[singing on TV]

This Bud's for you.

-Freddie, my boy,
how's the roast beef?
-[Freddie] Rare.

Would you like
a drink, my dear?

Can they make a decent
martini in this place?

You bet. Double martini,
straight up. Hold the fruit.

Ginger ale for me.

Charming, charming.

I like it.
And when I'm in town,
this is my place.

I'm telling you what,

you lose your car.
I lose my job.

Right.

Who knows how long
he's got until he gets canned.

Why else would he
be drinking at 1:00
in the afternoon.

How about you, pal?
Lose something?

His job and his mind,
all in a day.

Research shows me that
men are afraid of women.

They're afraid of
their sweethearts,
their mothers, their wives.

They're afraid of
losing their jobs,

losing their hair,
losing their erections.

I've got to help these
poor guys feel better
about themselves.

Men will drink the beer
that makes them
feel more like men.

I don't hold a lot
of stock in this
Madison Avenue crap, B.D.

You just tell me
what you want.

I'm looking for something,
something different.

Something breakthrough.

Norbecker Pilsner's
very own Marlboro Man.

[narrator on TV]
Here comes the king of beers.

♪ Here comes the king
Here comes the king ♪

Want another?

You're going to have to put
all your money in this bag.

Are you kidding?
I think you've had enough.

You better be going.
Go on, go on,
get out of here.

It will all fit in here.
I know it will. Please.

That's enough. Now, beat it.

You don't want me here?

If I have to come
around this bar...

I'm going to have
to kill somebody.

All right. That's enough.

-[woman screaming]
-[Merle] Hey, buddy.

Whoa, hey. Ah, ah,
don't you think you
better cool down?

Don't you think
that's a good idea?

All right, everybody
get in the bag.

Everybody get in the bag now.

Now, come on, pal.
Now, now, we can't
fit in that bag.

You... I want you
in that bag now.

Jesus. I'm gonna have
to kill everybody.

All right.
Everybody, in the bag.

We're all gonna get
in the bag. Come on.

Here we go.
Everybody in the bag.

Police officer. Freeze.

[gunshot]

I don't want
to hurt anybody.

I don't. But I think
I'm going to have
to kill you all.

-You, you don't get
to go in the bag.
-I don't?

-I don't mind.
-No.

No, you don't deserve
to go in the bag.

Well, well, what do
I have to do to get
in there? Just tell me.

All right! That's enough.

You're asking for it, pal.

Sit down or you're dead.

Why don't you just go
home and shoot yourself?

Let these nice people
go about their business.

Don't make me shoot.

You detestable shitbox!

Get the hell out of my bar!

Get him!

I think I just found
what I'm looking for.

I think I just struck gold.

In New York City today,
three men at a bar

thwarted an armed-robbery
attempt and captured
the perpetrator.

John Brolin, who is
wanted in Oregon,

for a killing spree
at a drive-in movie
last December

that left four dead
and three wounded.

[John] You'll get it.
You hear me?

The three of you,
I'll kill you.

I'll kill you. You'll die.

You're dead.

[clicks tongue]

Two executives from
the Norbecker Brewery

were in the bar at that time
and were so impressed

by the men's courage,
that they immediately
offered the three,

two of whom are unemployed,
high-paying jobs

as spokespeople
for the brewery.

A representative
for Norbecker said,

"It is the courage of
the average American,

their guts and spirit
in the face of danger,

that has made
this country great."

Five thousand dollars, Mary,
and that's just for starters.

The residuals from the
commercials could run in the
tens of thousands of dollars.

What about your real job?

You're a lawyer.

What will Mr. Talbot think?

I know Talbot needs
me desperately.

-This will not affect my job.
-[music playing]

This will not affect my job.

Are you really going
to be on TV, Daddy?

-Michael, turn that down.
-[turns down volume]

Could it really
be that much?

It could be much more.

This solves everything.
All my financial problems.

What financial problems?

Get that radio off
your shoulder.
Do you hear me?

What money problems, Elliot?

Where did he get that?

You know, I work my whole
life to keep big radios
off your shoulders.

Now, what's for dinner?

Pasta! More pasta!

-Hi, Frankie.
-Hey, Angelina,
how's it going?

Pretty good. But I haven't
seen you around much lately.

-Well, I'm kinda busy.
-Angelina, Angelina...

She's been coming
around to see you.

Why don't you
talk with Angelina?

-But I did.
-Oh, go on. Talk.

-Hi, Angelina.
-Hi, Frankie.

We're all so proud of you.

Thank you. Thank you.
Oh, excuse me. One minute.

Mom, Ma, Ma,
I almost forgot. Here.

This is for all the birthdays
when I couldn't afford
to buy you nothing.

Buy yourself something nice.

And find someone to help
you out around here.

A nice Italian lady. Okay?

Oh, Frankie.

No, Frankie.

You keep the money
for your future. Huh?

Ma...

I know you're going to
be a big star. My Frankie.

My baby.
Oh, my bambino.

So, what you going to do
with all your money, huh?

Yeah, well, I'm going
to save some, so I can
get my own apartment.

-Then I was thinking
of, you know...
-Oh, God. Oh, kill me.

-Mama, what's the matter?
Help. Here.
-I'm going to faint. Oh!

-Oh!
-What's the matter?

-What is it?
What is it?
-Frankie!

He wants to get
his own apartment.

[all gasp]

[sobs]

Is this true?

Yeah, I was thinking of
getting my own place.

After all, I'm 29 years old.

You know what you've
done to your mother?

All her life, she's done
nothing but for you.

And now, now you're
just going to go away?

Speak to your grandfather.

Tell him what
you're going to do.

Frankie.

[speaking Italian]

So, now you're
a big shot, huh?

Frankie.

Frankie, you getting
bopped from it yet?

-You bet.
-[speaking Italian]

It's okay.
Everything is okay.

[indistinct talking]

[Feemer] All right. We have
to go in there, relaxed.

Composed. With an
air of serenity.

But always alert,
stakes are high.

But we are going in there
with supreme confidence.

Now that,
that is the key word,

"confidence."

All right. Now I want
everybody to follow my lead.

Just be calm, be cool,
and be totally
self-possessed.

Mr. Norbecker, I think
the national news coverage
we got last night

was a million dollars of free
publicity for Norbecker Beer.
Don't you agree, sir?

B.D. here, is famous
for thinking on her feet.

I think she really
acquitted herself with
tremendous impunity.

When my grandfather

founded this business
in Germany, 87 years ago,

he knew the secret
of a successful beer.

He knew it was
not in the hops.

No. It was not
in the aging. No.

Do you know in
what is the secret

of a successful beer?

Ahh... What is it?

The secret of
a successful beer...

is advertising!

-Of course.
-Yeah.

-That makes sense.
-You see...

all beer is
essentially the same.

It is all fermented,
piss-colored water.

Hmm? Now...

I turn on
my television set,
what do I see?

I see the other
beer companies advertising

with celebrities,
with football players,

with actors,
familiar faces.

And what do we have?

What am I paying out

fifty millions of
my advertising dollars
a year for?

Unknowns!

Mr. Norbecker,
don't you see?
That's the beauty of it.

Who are they?
They've had national coverage
because of a heroic act.

But it is precisely
because they are
not celebrities

that the people
can relate to them.
That's the important thing.

So, I have three unknowns.

Do we have a concept?

-Yes.
-Do we have a concept?

[stammering] Mr. N.,
I have a concept that is so
sweet and delicious,

so, uh, zesty and tangy,

I'm drooling.
For Christ's sakes,
I'm drooling.

Oh, gee, I love these.

They're raisins.
Nature's little guys.
Do... Do you mind?

Mr. Norbecker,
what we have are three
average American men.

No actors.
No over-the-hill athletes.

Now, I've explained
the situation
to the three guys.

I've got them
under contract.
And with training from me,

I guarantee you
they'll be household names

before the thrust
of your campaign
even begins.

Hmm.

I mean, um...

If there is going to be
a campaign. Of course,
that's your decision.

[sneezing]

Ugh!

Jesus, I've got
raisins up my nose.

-Punch him.
-[coughing]

-Nincompoop.
-I'm okay.

My grandfather...

believed in the great
advertising men.

The German advertising men.

[coughs]

Men, such as
Pizzner and Gemp.

Oh, these...
These were not men.

These were advertising gods.

[wheezing]

But today, they are gone.

The best

and the greatest
of all time are gone.

[Dickler choking]

And today...

Today,

I have to put
my faith and my trust

in men like Dickler.

That is not a very
pretty picture, is it?

Oh, no, no.
I couldn't agree more.
Absolutely right.

Well, gentlemen,

this young lady

has saved your skins
to fight another day.

I am going to give you
one more chance.

Temporarily...

I will suspend
my negotiations

with Hark & Melrose Agency.

But, boys

and gal,

don't you dare
to let me down.

I don't normally
wear shirts with, uh,
squigglies on it.

[B.D.] You're not normal
anymore, Merle.

I think maybe this blue,
with those eyes. Oh, yes.

[chuckling]

I know it's all a little
too much for you right now,
but you'll get used to it.

And when you
get used to it,

you'll use it
to get what you want.

What do you want?

[clearing throat]
Well, right now, I wanna get
my damn car out of the pound.

It's gonna cost $75.

That's sweet.

You know, you have
a model's body.

It's so easy
to buy clothes for.

-[clears throat]
-Oh, yes, blue.

-Excuse me, Miss Tucker.
-B.D.

B.D. Now,

I appreciate the job
and all the money
I'm going to get,

the clothes and whatever,
but, um...

What exactly is it
that I'm supposed to do?

You are going to be
a role model for
our target audience.

Lower class, economically
unsuccessful men.

Men who reached out
for the American dream

and came up with
a beer in one hand
and their dicks in the other.

[laughs] Oh, well,
I guess that's me,
all right.

[both laughing]

-Good morning, guys.
-Good morning, Miss Tucker.

Buzz. Buzz,
this set is great.
I love it.

-Thank you, B.D.
-Are we on schedule?

-Slightly ahead.
-[B.D.] Good.

-Hello, boys.
-Good day,
Miss Tucker.

This is a big day for you.
Are you ready?

-It's very exciting.
-Yeah. Now, what do we do?

-You just tell us.
-Well, first of all,

-do you know your lines?
-Got 'em all up here.

Went over 'em
a million times.
Want to hear 'em?

[B.D.] No, that
won't be necessary.

The director
will tell you
when to speak.

All we got to know
is how to count
our money, right?

[all laughing]

Excuse me, Miss Tucker.

Now, you know, this script
here makes us out to be
a bunch of heroes.

Well, that may be bullshit.

But I just want you to know
that me and my amigos here
won't let you down.

You picked the right
kind of guys
for this sort of thing.

Why, we're
the kind of...

Oh, my God!

Hello, Miss Tucker.

-[B.D.] Mr. Brolin.
-Hi, guys.

Hello.

-What's he doing here?
-How come...

We bailed him out.

Buzz and I thought
it would be a nice touch
to have the real thief.

Well, I'll leave
you boys alone
to get reacquainted.

[mockingly]
Oh, please don't!

Oh, God! Help me!

Jesus, what a bunch
of babies!

All right. This man
is a total psychopath.

A vicious, amoral killer.
Right, John?

What?

I don't want to
see it in your eyes.

Get up!

Stand up!

Be Norbecker men!

I want to see you
eat this guy for breakfast.

Oh, my, my.

Well, if you don't
respect yourselves,

who do you respect?

I want you to
think about that.

He's right. I mean,
if you guys believe it, then
maybe I'll believe it, too.

We could really
get something going.

I think it's gonna be hot.

When me and my buddies
are drinking
Norbecker Pilsner,

we don't like
being disturbed.

Norbecker Pilsner.

Have one,
if you're tough enough.

Cut! Print. Fine.

-Thank you, gentlemen.
-[bell ringing]

[all chuckling]

How was it for you?
I think we had
some moments there.

I'm glad you're happy.

This is fantastic.

I'm in commercials,
and I'm making
all this money.

I mean, I always
dreamed I'd be famous.
Like you guys.

You're a lawyer.
Do you know anything
about residuals?

Well, I...
I'm in bankruptcy.

Well, I could refer...
Here, let me
give you my card.

Well, we'll have to talk.
Maybe give me some advice
on how to get an agent?

Maybe we'll take a lunch.

They want me
to do another national.

I... I think they're gonna
make me a Pepper.

Oh, yes!

Do we have to watch it here?
Why don't we watch it
at The Oak Room?

We'll get a real feel for it
in a place like this.

Besides, Dickler's
at The Oak Room.

Look at that
wide-screen television.
Come on!

Well, it does exude
a certain splendor

that reflects
the noble struggle
of the working class.

Just don't touch anything.

And don't use
the men's room.

-What time is it?
-10:43.

Oh, God. Any minute now.

[chuckling]
I'm as nervous as a tiny
little bunny rabbit.

It's on. It's on.
Hey, fellas,
watch the screen.

[narrator] What you're
about to see is a true story.

Earlier this year,
in a small
New York City bar,

three average American men
were enjoying their beer,
when suddenly...

[all screaming]

All right, boys,
this is a hold-up!

Hey, you three.

Get down on the floor
or I'll blow you away.

We're drinking
our Norbeckers,

can't you see?

We don't want
to be disturbed.

That's right.
Take a hike.

All right, dirtbags.
You asked for it.

You shouldn't
have done that.

[narrator]
When you've had enough.

You can't take anymore.

Because this country
was built by
your kind of man.

And it's glory
you're heading for.

So you rise up.

You take a stand.

I wasn't done
with my beer yet.

[narrator]
You face the challenge
and show the world

that you're a real man.

All right.
You've done your thing
and now it's over.

Now get out of here
and let us finish our beers.

Hey, scumbags.

♪ And if you've got the guts ♪

♪ If you're tough enough ♪

[chuckling]

♪ Norbecker ♪

When me and my buddies
are drinking
Norbecker Pilsner,

we don't like
being disturbed.

Norbecker Pilsner.

Have one,
if you're tough enough.

♪ If you're tough enough ♪

♪ Norbecker ♪

What did you think, fellas?

Those are the kind
of guys that made
this country great. Huh?

That's right.
That's damn right.

Dirty Harry don't have
nothing on those guys.

Wasn't it sensational?

Let's drink to those guys.

Yo, Eddie!

Another round down here.
Make them Norbeckers.

-Norbecker.
-Oh, this calls
for a celebration.

It's fantastic. Two more
Norbeckers down here.

In fact,
Norbeckers for everybody.

[all cheering]

We don't got
no Norbeckers.

You don't got
no Norbeckers?

Ernie, here's your usual.

Ernie, it's not Norbecker.

That's right, Ernie.

I want a Norbecker.

Come on, Ernie.
Give me a break, will ya?
I don't have it.

Here, drink this.
It's on the house.

No. What kind of
an American are you?

-I'm a good American.
-No, you're not.

Any red-blooded American
would know you should
drink Norbecker.

What are you saying?

I'm saying,
you're a dirty,
lousy Communist!

-I'll break your arm!
-I'll put you in the hospital!

Communist!
Don't touch me!

Don't touch me!
I'll kill ya!

What do you think?
You think you're tough?

Let me put it this way.

I'm tough enough.

♪ When you've had enough ♪

♪ Can't take anymore... ♪

-B.D., I think they really
like the commercial.
-[exclaims in joy]

I'm going to call
Mr. Norbecker and
give him the good news.

I'm exhausted anyway.
I think I'll mosey on
out of here.

♪ You face the challenge
And show the world ♪

♪ That you're a real man ♪

Well, that was
simple enough.

♪ Norbecker ♪

♪ Milwaukee, move over
St. Louis, lay down ♪

♪ Rolling big time
We're the new kid in town ♪

♪ At the corner bar
at a big league game ♪

♪ They're all chugging bottles
Bearing our name ♪

♪ The TV, billboards
and magazines ♪

♪ Drive-in movies
on the silver screen ♪

♪ Shots of guys
Strutting their stuff ♪

♪ They all wanna know
Are you tough enough? ♪

♪ You gotta take chances
All you need is a plan ♪

♪ Use what you got
Be the best that you can ♪

♪ Six billion gallons
Just last year ♪

♪ That's tons and tons
And tons of beer ♪

♪ You know I'm a man
Who likes his brew ♪

♪ Spreading the word
Is the least I can do ♪

♪ By the keg, by the case
By the six-pack ♪

♪ Got to move 'em out
Time to hit the road, Jack ♪

♪ You gotta take chances
All you need is a plan ♪

♪ Use what you got
Be the best that you can ♪

♪ Six billion gallons
Just last year ♪

♪ That's tons and tons
And tons of beer ♪

♪ You gotta take chances
All you need is a plan ♪

♪ Use what you got
Be the best that you can ♪

♪ Six billion gallons
Just last year ♪

♪ That's tons and tons
And tons of beer ♪

♪ Whoa! That's tons and tons
And tons of beer ♪

♪ Tons of beer ♪

♪ Yeah, that's tons
And tons and tons of beer ♪

♪ I say... ♪

Ah!

I have seen your graphs.
I have read your reports.

Can they be trusted?

Well, sir, I'll be
the first to admit that
it has been a struggle.

But our research indicates
that the current campaign

is an unqualified
success, sir.

I like the way
you put that.

But the word that comes
to my mind, if I may be
permitted to say so,

-is caution.
-Yeah.

Caution.

Let's be honest for
once in our life, okay?

-The whole thing could
fall apart at any moment.
-Mmm-hmm.

Now, if you really
want to ensure the success
of this campaign,

you're gonna have
to throw in some sex.

All right, all right.
Now imagine if you will,
a log cabin.

Okay, we're talking
an Abe Lincoln kind of
thing here, okay.

And our three guys
are up there, and they're in,
kind of, you know...

A party type of mood.
Do you understand
what I'm saying?

Okay, they've got
some girls there,
some good food.

And before long, a beer,

a Norbecker,
is tossed off
to Sheila over here.

[whistles] Sheila.

Okay, honey,
do your stuff.

Isn't that fantastic?

-Okay, honey,
now drink it.
-[can pops open]

-[gulps]
-You see, the sex
is hidden, subliminal.

An implied sexuality.

But it's there.
I think it's there.
What do you think?

-I don't like it.
-All right,
then picture this.

How about this? Longer cans.
Does that work for you?

I hate it.

Okay.
Thanks a lot, Sheila.
Take a walk.

I'll call you.

Mr. Norbecker, I'm sure
we're on track with
the campaign, as it is.

As I see it, we'll just
saturate the market

with the robbery spot
for the next two weeks.

The time is right
for another blitz.

A blitz. Yes.

Yes. And what happens
after this blitz?

Something different.

-All my life,
I was a champion...
-[B.D.] Frankie!

-Frankie!
-Hey, B.D. baby.
How's everything?

When you're finished
with makeup,
not that you need any,

I want you to go to wardrobe,
and then back to studio 2-A
for some tests.

No problem.

Elliot, I need to see you
in my office in 10 minutes.

Oh, B.D., I promised Mary
I'd spend the afternoon
with her and the kids.

This is important.

What is it?

Look, we love
what you're doing.
You're doing a terrific job.

-Keep it up.
-Thank you.

You have a slight
image problem.

What's the problem?

You're just not
black enough.

I like the way
black folks stand.

Don't we have
a funny stand?
Look at me.

We've got them
lips that hang.

[audience laughing]

But I like
black people, man.
I'm black.

[chuckling] Yeah.

And, you know,
they got break dancing.
They got their break dancing.

See, where they do
the moonwalk. And I know
how the shit started.

Some black man
was walking down
the street, drunk,

and he stepped
in some shit
and said, "Damn!"

-[exclaim]
-I always wonder why
niggas walk like this.

You ever wonder this?
Shit, man.

'Cause we go to jail.

And niggas, we try
to keep motherfuckers
off their ass.

-Yo! Yeah.
-[audience laughing]

My man, yo,
what it look like?

My man, yo,
what it look like?

[changes voice]
My man, yo,
what it look like?

[changes voice]
My man, yo,
what it look like?

Shit. Shit. Shit...

How come black men
always hold their dick?

There's just something
about standing in Harlem,

on the corner...
Just hold your dick.

"Oh, I forgot, I'm black.
Hold your dick."

I mean...

Yeah! Yeah. Hah!

On, and on,
and on, on, on...

♪ And the beat don't stop
till the break of dawn ♪

♪ You break it to the east
Break it to the west ♪

♪ Break it to the one
that you love the best ♪

♪ There's a party over here
A party over there ♪

♪ A party
in my underwear ♪

What you want, nigga?

Daddy!

-Dad... Dad was
just playing, son.
-[door closing]

All right, I need my boys.

-In 2-D, we'll run lines.
Where's Elliot?
-He's not here.

-What do you mean,
"he's not here"? Where is he?
-Well, I don't know.

[music playing]

[chuckling]

[scatting]

Hey, bro-ski, yo!

[exclaims]

Gimme five, Frank!

Yabba-dabba-doo!

Rafer, my man,
what it look like?

Wired up, home boy?

Would you like to
procure a watch?

It's genuine, real,
made in Switzerland.

Cost you five dollars, blood.

-No, I don't think so.
-Shut up!

B.D. baby, you know,
I've always had a soft spot
for y'all feminine types.

Loan me a dollar.
[scatting] Check it out.

[chuckling]

[turns off music]

What the hell
do you think
you're doing?

Well, it was just a thing
I was trying, B.D.
I'm not married to it.

Get up here.

Elliot. Elliot, you look
like you just stepped
out of the ghetto.

When I said black,
I didn't mean "black" black.

Well, I felt it was
sociologically correct

according to my
own field work.

It's all right, Elliot.
We'll fix it.
Get him to wardrobe.

Elliot, old son,
delightful improvisation.

Thank you, Mr. Beckerman.

You know, I could
kind of do a Michael Jackson
thing, kind of--

Fine, Elliot.
We'll use some
of that later.

[Elliot] Okay.
Thank you, Mr. Beckerman.

Have you been drinking?

Not yet.

Not yet. One day at a time.

All right, we're gonna
run lines in 2-D.

Come on, boys.
The set belongs
to Mr. Beckerman.

-Let's lock it up.
-[bell ringing]

Quiet!

-Roll sound.
-[man] Speed.

We have a film to make.

Beer to sell.

Scene five, take 54.

There's 220 million
Americans out there,

can't wait to have
their minds twisted and bent.

If I can't do it,
by God, nobody can!

Action!

[Feemer] Mr. Norbecker,
I think that there is
a marketing opportunity

that we're
overlooking here, sir.

And what is that?

[Feemer] Well, sir,
I'm talking about 51%
of the population.

It is a shad, shad same...

Uh... Sad, sad shame, sir,
that we're not able
to crack that female market.

But I want to let you know,
sir, that we have our
best men working on that.

Crackerjack individuals.

It's a fantastic
brain trust.

I am completely confident,
and totally and absolutely

wonderfully well-impressed
that we will prevail
on this problem,

and that we will be able
to garner those Norbecker
beer sales for the women.

I don't know, Harley.

My research shows that
women constitute only
20% of the beer market.

And it would appear
they are not an important
aspect of beer consumption.

Absolutely.
Don't give those women
another thought, sir.

[B.D.] But that does not
mean we can't use
women successfully

to sell more beer to men.

Use them. That's exactly
what I've been working on.

Gentlemen, I have a concept
I've been toying with
for quite a while.

And I think
its time has come.

A.J., we are going
to hit the beer drinkers
of America where it counts.

Below the belt.

How?

Norbecker Pilsner
is going to heat up
the battle of the sexes.

The American male
is going to
whip out his Norbecker.

Now you're talking.

...then she said,
"Stick this where?"

[all laughing]

You know, me and my buddies
like to get away
on the weekends.

Have a couple of laughs.
Go hunting or fishing.
We like to rough it.

But there's no point
in going anywhere

if you're not gonna get
stocked up on supplies.

That's right. That's why
we always have a good supply
of Norbecker on hand.

Yep.

Me and my buddies.
A case of Norbecker,

and let nature
take its course.

-♪ Whip it out ♪
-[whip cracking]

Is the commercial
over yet, guys?

-Not yet, honey.
-[all laughing]

-♪ Whip it out ♪
-[whip cracking]

[all] Come on, boys!

Whip out your Norbecker!

♪ Whip out your Norbecker ♪

[laughing]

How much time
before we go on?

Ten minutes, Elliot.

What are you so calm about?
We're about to go
in front of 20 million people.

Oh, relax, guys.
It ain't no different than
doing the damn commercials.

It is different.
We're not selling beer.

For once,
people want to hear
what we want to say.

I've seen all your
commercials. I just think
you guys are so sexy.

-Oh, yeah?
-I think you look
just gorgeous.

Gorgeous, huh? I wonder
if they think I'm so gorgeous
back in Lubbock.

What do you care
about Lubbock?
You're big-time now.

I'm just a little
homesick, that's all.

All done, cowboy.

[Frankie] Hey, beautiful.
Need a touch-up here.

You know, I just love
doing you guys.

-[Frankie] Yeah, I can tell.
-So, how about you and I

getting together some time?

Hey, with Frankie Falcone,
anything's possible.

Here's my number.

It's been a real kick
doing your face, Frankie.

All you guys.

Another notch
in your revolver,
old buddy?

[country music playing]

-Here you go, Merle.
-Why, thank you, honey.

Oh, I love women.
Just love 'em.

Of course,
my standards are high.
I've got good taste in women,

and also in the kind
of beer I drink.

I run around with
good-lookin' women.

And when I'm through,
I like to relax
with my buddies,

compare notes,
and drink
a Norbecker Pilsner.

My beer and my women
have a lot in common.

They both leave me
feeling better
after I've had one.

[blows]

You know what I mean.

♪ Whip out your Norbecker ♪

[whip cracking]

[mixed cheers and boos]

Well, there it is.

I see we have some
tempers flaring.

I myself am feeling
extremely controversial.

So, let's speak out.

Yes? Speak up.

I'm a housewife,
and I'd just like
to know what they think

that specific commercial
says about women.

[audience applauding]

If one of you ladies might
ask an intelligent question,

-we might get
something done here.
-[audience jeering]

Wait a minute,
Mr. Falcone.

I mean, there is no need
to insult the women
in the audience.

Or is there?
Let's find out.

The whole male attitude

that a woman who doesn't
live up to the male
standard of beauty

is gonna miss out
on something
is disgusting!

[audience cheering]

You know, we're just
making a bunch
of beer commercials.

Now, what the hell
is all the yelling about,
is what I'd like to know.

Oh, come on, fellas.

Those commercials
are saying,

"Have beer and sex
with a beautiful woman.

Not an average,
ordinary, everyday woman,

but a beautiful woman."

And what's wrong with that?

-Let's find out.
-[audience jeering]

I lost my job because
my company had to hire
more damn women

and now
I'm unemployed.

[audience groaning]

I just got married.
My wife gained 100 pounds

and grew a mustache.
I swear to God.

[audience laughing]

That has nothing
to do with what we're
talking about.

Or does it?
Let's find out.

Yes, speak up.

I'd like to address
my question to Mr. Falcone.

Speak up.

You don't really
see women that way?

Oh, yeah, I do.

You know, you guys,
you've got the success.

You got the recognition.
Are you happy?

Well, my wife and I,
we've both discussed
this at great length,

and we've both come
to the conclusion that...

Well, this is the best
profession for me to be in
at the present time.

So what you're saying
is that you do
these commercials

with total disregard
of who you may offend,
as long as you get paid.

Well, no, wait.
Now that's not
what I was saying.

Oh, come on, now.
You're doing it
for the money.

[audience] Yeah.

Well, I suppose so.

And what's wrong with that?
Let's find out.

You know, my husband,
he works a 9:00 to 5:00 job.

He supports me
and he's sending our three
kids through college.

He doesn't drink beer.
He doesn't drink any alcohol.

And you know something,
to me, he's the hero.

[audience cheering]

-Speak up.
-You know, I own
a sporting goods store,

-but I used to play pro ball.
-Hey, that's...

That's Mack Truck...
Mack Truck Mackenzie.

[grunting]

-[chuckling]
-He's my hero. All right.

You know, I just want to say,
I think you guys
are the greatest.

Hey. Come on...

You guys are real men.
And you ladies should be
proud to have sons

-just like Frankie Falcone.
-That's right.

And what's wrong with
Merle and Elliot, huh?

Personally,
I don't blame them.

It's the person who
created the commercials
that's to blame.

It's the male
chauvinist pig
who thought of it.

[audience cheering]

We invited the producer,
Mr. B.D. Tucker,

-but he declined.
-Uh... Bob...

-It's not Mr. B.D. Tucker,
it's Miss B.D. Tucker.
-[audience gasping]

She's a lady.
And a very beautiful lady,
I might add.

[laughing]

Now, that is controversial.

Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.
We're running out of time.

Please tune in tomorrow.
We have a wonderful show.

We're going to have
an orthodox rabbi

and Adolf Hitler's chef.
Thank you!

[Frankie] Look, I haven't
been myself lately.

It has nothing
to do with you.

It's not your fault.

I'm totally responsible.
I'm so sorry.

I mean, you're cool.
You're Frankie Falcone,
you're cool.

You're Frankie. I mean,
you are the greatest
and the best.

You are the perfect lover.

I have lousy technique,
I know it.

I mean, I have
no business

sleeping with anybody. [sobs]

Shh! I'll call you.

-You will? When?
-Soon.

[sighing] Oh, boy.

Yes, my son.

You have a confession?

Father, I haven't been
to confession in a while.

I had nowhere else to go.
I didn't know
who else to talk to.

Well, you can
talk to me.

It will make you
feel better.

Come on, now.
Confess your sins.

I don't know
how to say it.

It's just that I
feel so frustrated
and ashamed.

Frustrated and ashamed.

Well, that's something.
Let's hear about that.

-Father?
-Yes, my son.

[whispering]
I can't get it up.

-What?
-I can't get it up.

Can't get what up?

[whispering]
My cock.

-Your what?
-[loudly] My cock.

[echoing] Your cock?

What am I gonna do?

Try to forget about it.
Try to relax.

Go out with the boys.
Have a few beers.

[Frankie] Hey, let's face it.

For a guy like me,
women are easy.

But a great beer, well,
that's hard to come by.

When it comes to women,
I like to shop around.

But when it comes
to beer, I'm devoted.

Norbecker Pilsner.
It's the only beer
I grab for.

♪ Whip it out ♪

Hey! Let me see
those beauties.

♪ Whip it out ♪

I can always
get a better girl.

But I can't get
a better beer.

[in unison]
So come on, guys!

Whip out your Norbecker.

-♪ Whip out your Norbecker ♪
-[whip cracking]

How's about a nice,
cool one, kids?
Help yourselves, boys.

The statistics also show
that last year,
five billion gallons of beer

were sold
in this country alone.

That is a mere drop
in the beer barrel,
if I may say so.

But we have far more
important fish
than that to fry.

What you are about
to hear and see...

must not leave this room.

Soon, we will have
garnered the lion's share

of the American
beer market.

But then...

on to Europe.

First, ladies
and gentlemen,

I will establish
a foothold in France.

The French do not
drink that much beer,
but they will learn,

as will they all learn.

Belgium.
Czechoslovakia. Holland.

I will smash Heineken.

And then...

Then...

The Anschluss.

Germany.

Yes, Germany. Even Germany.

Following a surprise
advertising blitz

which you, meine Liebchen,
will manage for me.

I will crush them...

like a...

Like a pocket
full of beetles.

[announcer]
And the Giants kick off.

The Sheikh
gets off a good one.

Hey, Mary. Bring me
another Norbecker.

[announcer] We'll be back
after this message
from Norbecker Pilsner.

[music playing on TV]

You know, I don't have to
go out with my buddies
to have a good time.

I can have
a good time right here.

Honey!

If I want to go out
with the boys, I'll do it.

But sometimes,
it's more convenient
to stay home.

Two things
that go together.

Satin sheets
and silky skin.

A good woman,
and a great beer.

Why don't you
go on upstairs, sweetie?

I'll be there
in a minute.

♪ Whip it out ♪

Norbecker Pilsner.

Come on, guys.

Whip out your Norbeckers.

-[growling]
-♪ Whip out your Norbecker ♪

Honey, where's that
other Norbecker?

Ow! Mary!

[woman] We women have
worked long and hard

for social changes.

And now... This beer,
makes women objects

to be used

and tossed aside

like empty beer cans.

Women unite. Join this fight.

I love 'em.

Every time one of those
feminists opens her mouth,

sales go up
another half point.

-Yes.
-Where's the ketchup?

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Norbecker Pilsner is
enjoying a 50%

share of the market at last.

Beer consumption
is on the rise.

And guess whose beer
is being sold the most?

[all] Norbecker.

Alcoholism, divorce,
violence in the streets.
We're doing great.

You have made me
a very happy man.

Now, tell me something.

Where are my
Norbecker fellows?

They are a ball
of fun, those guys.

-Ah, B.D.?
-Ah, Buzz is flying them
in his plane to California.

They're there to do
the beach spots, you
know, with, the girls.

Ah. Cherries jubilee.
My favorite.

Now, tell me something.
This new campaign of yours,

it is ironclad?

It's foolproof.

They should be
landing just about now.

[whistling and exploding]

[Buzz] Yes, sir. Mayday.
Mayday. Mayday. Mayday.

Ah, boys...

Our radio's busted.

Shit. They'll send
planes to look for us,
won't they, Buzz?

I don't think so.

Well, of course
they'll send a plane.
They've got to.

We're famous.

-They won't know
where to look.
-What are you talking about?

I've never believed
in the formalities
of flight plans.

Buzz Beckerman does
not get rescued.

Neither do people
with Buzz Beckerman.

We're going to walk
out of here.

I ain't walking nowhere.
These new boots
are killing me.

How far do you think
you can get? It could be
hundreds of miles.

I'm pulling out

in that direction,
beyond those red hills.

Vaya con Dios.

Buzz! Wait a minute, Buzz.

Hold it. If you come with me,

you'll travel light.
Nothing but the essentials.

Just the beer.

"Vanished without a trace.

Little hope of survival.

Search continues."

If I just had some time.

[exhales]

Maybe we could
buy a little time.

I don't want to
sound cold-blooded
or anything, but, uh,

if we're lucky, they won't
find the bodies for
a couple of weeks.

In the meantime,
we'll pump the media
well dry.

This is a terrific
idea. Yeah.

-She's got something there.
-A.J.?

The whole business is
so very unfortunate.

-Feemer.
-Yes, sir?

How do I stand ethics wise
on a thing like this?

It won't cost you
a dime, sir.

Good.

Oh, Lord.

How am I going to get
these shitboxes moving?

All right, all right.

-Go on!
-I'm going. I'm going.

Ha!

-He's not human.
-Thank God for that.

No human being
could get us out of here.

[Buzz] All right, lads,
step up here.

Come on, now. Come right
ahead with lethargy.

Careful now. Careful.

Come on, come on.

Let's see you now against
this jutting promontory.

Straighter, up! Wait!

Buzz!

Buzz!

[screaming]

Help me! Help!

I didn't stand by him
the way I should have.

[Mary] All he wanted to do
was go out with the boys
and have a few beers.

Now he's dead.

[sobbing]

[newscaster] Total News
has contacted another
grieving friend,

who wanted to share
his deep and personal
loss with us.

They were a great
bunch of guys.

They gave me my
start in show business.

I owe them my whole career.

I'm gonna miss them a lot.

All three of them.

By the way, there's
something I'd like to add.

You know what happens
to pretty boys like
me in prison?

Total News is producing
a week-long

Buzz Beckerman retrospective

to honor the memory
of one of the world's
great filmmakers.

Check your local listings
for this moving tribute.

[howling]

[mumbling]

Come on, Buzz, now,
you gotta have a drink.

-Come on.
-Oh!

No. One day at a time.

One day at a time.

[screeching]

[piano playing]

The control tower had
no trace of the plane at all.
It's really quite tragic.

I mean, God knows,
I hope they find the bodies
but something's come up

that may make that
counter-productive,

I don't know, I like
the funeral concept idea.
More free media coverage.

No, Harley,
let me finish.

I was on the horn
this morning
with Gary Cross.

He sees a TV movie in this.
If a movie pulls the numbers,
they'll go with this.

A one-hour primetime series,
starring three phantom
beer-drinking crime fighters.

Using the Norbecker
name throughout,

three beer-drinking ghosts.

Gentlemen...

This has an
almost mythical feeling
about it.

-There is something there.
-Tell me something, B.D.,

what happens if they
find the bodies?

There you see,
we'd have the three flies
in our ointment.

We take another meeting
and we come up with
another concept.

Oh, plus, the Buzz Beckerman
retrospective is in the bag.

Seven nights, prime time,
sponsored by
Norbecker Pilsner.

Whom else?

-Why not.
-Here we are.

I am delighted,
I'm tickled pink, I couldn't
be more pleased.

In fact, I think
that we completely...

Pardon, Monsieur Feemer.

There is a telephone call
for you.

Thank you, senor.

Feemer here.

I'll get back to you.

They found them.

Shit.

Excuse me,
let me through.

-Excuse me.
-It's Elliot's wife.

It's his wife,
it's his wife.

I want close-ups.
I want angles.
I want coverage.

Get in there!

Oh, Buzz. Oh, oh!

Buzz Beckerman, everybody.
Award-winning director.
Give him a hand, huh.

-Elliot.
-Mary?

Oh, my God, Mary,
I missed you so much.
How are the kids?

-What kids?
-We can work it out
I know we can.

-Work what out?
-Be careful
with this one.

Oh! Please, be careful,
you idiot.

Thank God, Merle.

I've been so worried,
I've been sick,
did you miss me, Merle?

I cried, would you
believe me? I cried.

Look at this. Did you see
anything like this?
The advertising value.

The tie-ins alone.

Frankie, B.D. baby
is here.

All right, guys,
you can take
your pictures now,

we've got our Norbecker
heroes back, and they're
tougher than ever.

Smile guys. Smile.
Your public loves you.

Wave.
Can you wave, huh?

-B.D.!
-All right guys,
that's it, thank you.

-B.D.!
-Mary, isn't it wonderful?

-Where's my husband?
-He's fine. He's fine.

-I've got his TV wife
with him right now.
-His TV wife?

But listen to me,
I will arrange for you
to see him later.

No, I want to
see him now.

No, listen, Mary,
you can't start screwing
around with reality here.

Elliot!

Mary?

You get your hands
off my husband. Bitch.

It's fantastic, sir.
Can you believe it? With all
our planning and scheming

they mean more to us
alive than they do dead.

I can't get over it.

Our distributors have
actually doubled
their orders.

And we cannot
even keep up with
the demand.

Good morning,
I'm sorry I'm late,
I was at the hospital.

I just spoke to Buzz.
He came out of his coma
this morning.

So? Yes?

Gentlemen, he got it
all on film.

That... That is it?
That is all that
they have got?

[B.D.] Well, we can't
use any of this.

[Feemer] They're a bunch
of schlemiels.
Three total schlemiels.

-[Dickler] I'm sick.
-Now, where's
the heroic stuff?

The camera broke
when I busted my leg.

Three schlemiels.
That is what you
have got.

They saved my life,
damn it.

But the film
doesn't show it.

Might as well
have never happened.

I can fix that.

How?

I burned down Chicago
on a sound stage.
I parted the Red Sea.

I made Alan Ladd
six feet tall.

You think I can't
turn three schlemiels
into heroes?

You shitbox.

Don't look there, Frankie.

They should be
climbing faster.

A Norbecker guy
is a better climber
than that.

Run the film through
there faster.
Speed up the film.

Right, sure,
no problem.

Look out below!

Hold on, Buzz.

I want both of these men
to wear the Norbecker hats.

Okay. Make a note
of that, B.D. Hats.

I want to be able to read
Norbecker on the
side of the hat.

Norbecker Pilsner
took us to hell and back.

Have one, if you're
tough enough.

[all laughing]

This is bullshit.

What the hell
am I doing here?

Get out of the desert.
Put me back in the desert.

Give me a fake Buzz.
Right, Buzz?

That's highly
irregular, sir.

-What's going on here?
-These guys
are impossible.

Beckerman still
hasn't shown up yet.

And neither has Elliot.
Nobody knows where they are.

I've got Harry over there,
trying to direct.

Quiet on the set.

It's magic time.

Shit.

My boys
are still here.

Who says they don't
make western heroes
like they used to?

What's the delay,
Miss Tucker?

Nothing I can't
handle, sir.

Beckerman.

You're drunk,
you're disgusting,
you're fired.

You're not mad
at old Buzz,
are you?

Get out of here!
Get off the set!

Sorry, boys.

You did it, honey.

You fooled them
with a goddamn
bottle of beer,

what an old fool I am.

For making movies
to make people laugh or cry.

That's crap compared to
what you've done.

Here's looking
at you, kid.

[bottle shattering]

Goodnight, sweet prince.

Come on, Buzz.

[groans]

Thank you.

It's all right.
I can walk.

[coughing]

All right, let's get back
on the set.

[clears throat] Uh, B.D.,

we're not happy,
we don't want to
do any more commercials.

That's right,
we're walkin'.

Are you crazy? We're just
beginning with this thing,
get back on the set.

Is everything
all right, Miss Tucker?

Everything is
just fine, sir.

Wait a minute,
I said get back
on the set.

What are you...
What do you
think you're doing?

Where are
you going?

Merle, do I have to
get down on my knees?

It's been a hell of a ride,
B.D., but it just don't seem
right anymore.

Doesn't seem right?
Will you stop walking?

I'm talking to you
for Christ's sake.

You can't think
of leaving now.

Not now,
you're American heroes.

[scoffs]

You know, B.D.,
you're just about one of the
smartest ladies I've ever met.

And you've taught me
a hell of a lot.

And I'm grateful to you
for all that.

But you're gettin' to be
like one of your commercials.

You're just not real.

[announcer] This year's
Clio Award winner for the best
national campaign,

B.D. Tucker,
the Feemer Agency,
for Norbecker Pilsner.

[all cheering]

[Norbecker jingle playing]

We in advertising
are the trusted keepers
of the public faith.

We must never let dishonesty,
cynicism or greed blind us

to our primary responsibility
of dispensing
accurate information

about the products
we represent.

I think I'll call
Mary again.

No. Don't tie up
the phone.

When Elliot comes
to his senses, he'll call.

I should have
seen this coming.

What are you,
a psychiatrist?

I'm worried as hell.

Try to relax.

He'll call.

Turn on the tube.

What do you
want to watch?

Come on,
get out of here.

Do you know
who I am?

I don't care who you are.
You don't start
fights in here.

Get out of here.

I'm a Norbecker man.

That's what they
want me to be.
That's what I'll be.

I just do
what I'm told. Right?

-Yeah. Sure.
-No, right.

I've been in this business
longer that any of them.

I know what
I'm talking about.
I'm an idea man.

What do they know
about advertising?

That's what it says
on the label.

My wife wants me
to be a lawyer.

Screw your wife.
You'll work in construction.

You're working construction.

And after a hard day's work,
you reach for some
Norbecker beer.

You get a beer.
Everyone gets a beer and
then you hold them up.

I'm fired. I'm sacked.
I'm unemployed.

I thought it would work.
It was a great idea.

What does Feemer know?
Feemer's a moron.

And Dickler,
Dickler is an idiot.

They're all morons
and idiots.
Every one of them.

I'm falling apart.
I need a drink.

These are guys.

I'm home.
This is America.

They look like those guys
on the commercials.

Hey, come on, all right.

-Whoa, whoa.
-Excuse me, sir.

Shit. Let me
buy you a drink.

All right.

Let's see if we can
get into some trouble.

Bartender.

Let me have
a man's drink over here.

A couple of boilermakers
for me and my buddy.

This is great.

I've got to get out
more often.

Have I seen you
here before?

Nope. I don't get out much.
My Mary won't let me.

-Do you know what
I feel like doing?
-What?

Let's make this
a boys' night out.

I won't tell
if you don't tell.

You're intriguing me.

-Joel!
-But first, we drink.

Now, there are those who say
that we manipulate the public.

[all laugh]

But I say that
we create
positive images.

Role models for the
American family to follow.

[phone ringing]

Hi, guys. It's me.

Elliot, where
the hell are you?

What's the name
of this place?

It's The Tool Box.

It's The Tool Box.

Jesus Christ.
Elliot, stay there.
All right?

Let's go.

♪ A turkey sat
on the backyard fence ♪

[all]
♪ On Thanksgiving day ♪

♪ And as he sat
on the backyard fence ♪

♪ This is what he'd say ♪

♪ Gobble, Gobble, Gobble,
Gobble, Gobble, Gobble ♪

♪ On Thanksgiving day ♪

♪ Gobble, Gobble, Gobble,
Gobble, Gobble, Gobble ♪

♪ I would like to
run away ♪

-[people cheering]
-[tires screeching]

I would like to thank

Buzz Beckerman for his
unique vision and brilliance.

Buzzy, wherever you are,
I love you.

[belching]

And last but not least,
three very
important people...

The Norbecker men.

♪ If you've got the guts
if you're tough enough ♪

There he is.

These are my guys. I want you
to meet all my new buddies.
They're swell.

[chuckles]
How are you doin'?

This is great, we're just
a bunch of guys

having a good time
like in the beer commercial.

[man] Hey, it's Merle.

It's Frankie.

Elliott.

You guys are
just wonderful.

We watch you
all the time.

We have all
your commercials
on video.

Jesus Christ, let's get
out of here, Elliot.

Why do I have to go?
I'm having fun.

He doesn't
want to go.

Listen, twinkle toes,
he's our friend.

We want him
out of here.

-It's not your business.
-He stays.

I love being
fought over.

Elliot, get down
from there.

Get out of my way,
you pervert. You're talking
to a real man.

♪ Guess how this
country was built ♪

♪ By your kind of man ♪

♪ And it's glory
you're heading for ♪

♪ And if you've
got the guts ♪

♪ If you're tough enough
Norbecker ♪

Here at Norbecker Brewery,
things are bubbling over

as sales of Norbecker Beer
continue to plummet

in response to
last week's arrest

of the so-called
Norbecker men,
in a gay bar.

We contacted Adolph Norbecker
by telephone and he stated,

"I look at this not
as a devastating blow,
but as a great opportunity

to expand into new
and exciting markets."

One wonders what Norbecker
is going to try
to sell us next.

You know, making beer
all day can be mighty
exhausting work.

That is why when the old
six o'clock whistle blows

us Norbecker guys
like to get together
in the steam room

for a little schvitz
and some chitter-chatter.

But as you can see,
it can get mighty hot
and sweaty in here.

That is why I always
bring along plenty of
new Norbecker Lite.

Because,
it satisfies my thirst,
it cools me down,

and yet it helps me keep
my trim, hard figure.

New Norbecker Lite
is brewed with the same
caring and sensitivity

as our regular beer.

You look wonderful, Adolph.

Have you been pumping iron?

Norbecker Lite.
One-third
of the calories

but the same
delicacy and refinement.

Okay, make room
for big daddy, boys.

Whoo! It is hot.

Norbecker.
Take it in the bottle.
Or take it in the can.

Have one. If you're
sensitive enough.

Okay, boys, let's go.

The last one in
is not a sissy.

[men cheering]

♪ Milwaukee, move over
St. Louis, lay down ♪

♪ Rollin' big time
We're the new kid in town ♪

♪ At the corner bar
At a big league game ♪

Welcome home, baby.

♪ They're all chuggin' bottles
Bearing our name ♪

Frankie!

♪ Drive-in movies
On the silver screen ♪

♪ Shots of guys
Strutting their stuff ♪

♪ They all want to know
Are you tough enough? ♪

♪ You gotta take chances
All you need is a plan ♪

♪ Use what you got
Be the best that you can ♪

♪ Six billion gallons
Just last year ♪

♪ That's tons and tons
And tons of beer ♪

♪ You know I'm a man
Who likes his brew ♪

♪ Spreading the word
Is the least I can do ♪

♪ By the keg, by the case
Or by the six-pack ♪

♪ Got to move 'em out
Time to hit the road, Jack ♪

♪ You gotta take chances
All you need is a plan ♪

♪ Use what you got
Be the best that you can ♪

♪ Six billion gallons
Just last year ♪

-So long, suckers.
-♪ That's tons and tons
And tons of beer ♪

♪ You gotta take chances
All you need is a plan ♪

♪ Use what you got
Be the best that you can ♪

♪ Six billion gallons
Just last year ♪

♪ That's tons and tons
And tons of beer ♪

♪ Well, you know I'm a man
Who likes his brew ♪

♪ Spreadin' the word
Is the least I can do ♪

♪ By the keg, by the case
Or by the six-pack ♪

♪ Got to move 'em out
Time to hit the road, Jack ♪

♪ You gotta take chances
All you need is a plan ♪

♪ Use what you got
Be the best that you can ♪

♪ Six billion gallons
Just last year ♪

♪ That's tons and tons
And tons of beer ♪

♪ You gotta take chances
All you need is a plan ♪

♪ Use what you got
Be the best that you can ♪

♪ Six billion gallons
Just last year ♪

♪ That's tons and tons
And tons of beer ♪

♪ Milwaukee, move over
St. Louis, lay down ♪

♪ Rolling big time
We're the new kid in town ♪

♪ At the corner bar
At a big league game ♪

♪ They're all chugging bottles
Bearing our name ♪

♪ On TV, billboards
And magazines ♪

♪ Drive-in movies
On the silver screen ♪

♪ Shots of guys
Strutting their stuff ♪

♪ They all wanna know
Are you tough enough? ♪

♪ You gotta take chances
All you need is a plan ♪

♪ Use what you got
Be the best that you can ♪

♪ Six billion gallons
Just last year ♪

♪ That's tons and tons
And tons of beer ♪

♪ You know I'm a man
Who likes his brew ♪

♪ Spreading the word
Is the least I can do ♪

♪ By the keg, by the case
Or by the six-pack ♪

♪ Got to move 'em out
Time to hit the road, Jack ♪

♪ You gotta take chances
All you need is a plan ♪

♪ Use what you got
Be the best that you can ♪

♪ Six billion gallons
Just last year ♪

♪ That's tons and tons
And tons of beer ♪

♪ You gotta take chances
All you need is a plan ♪

♪ Use what you got
Be the best that you can ♪

♪ Six billion gallons
Just last year ♪

♪ That's tons and tons
And tons of beer ♪