Bedtime for Bonzo (1951) - full transcript

What's the matter?

Oh, it's just terrible!

I wonder why he'd want to do
a thing like that.

Gosh, I hope
he doesn't jump off.

Please, please,
don't do this terrible thing.

You're young.

You have everything
to live for.

You'll be only hurting
those who love you.

And think of
the loss to science.

Hans, how did
he get out there?

Isn't it terrible,
Peter?



First I find him with a surgical
knife, and now this.

I've tried everything.

Bribery?
Bribery, threats, tears.

Then why did you
send for me?

You're a psychologist.
Use psychology.

On him?

It might work.

Please.

All right,
I'll give it a try.

Be very gentle
with him.

For days now,
he has been sulking.

Good morning.

Bad as all that?

Long way down.
Isn't it, Bonzo?



No. No. No.

Go ahead, Bonzo.
I want you to jump.

Jump, Bonzo. Jump!

Peter, what are you doing?

I'm trying inverted
psychological domination.

He should refuse to jump.

Go ahead, Bonzo.
I want you to jump.

Jump, Bonzo. Jump!

Peter, try something else.

$2,000 he cost the college.

Maybe he'll respond
to the Gestalt theory.

Bonzo.

Listen.

Pretty Bonzo?

Nice.

Here, Bonzo.

Yeah. Things look
better now, Bonzo?

Happy, Bonzo?

It's working.
It's working.

Come on.
I won't let you fall.

Let's go home.
Come on. Come on.

Oh, watch it, Bonzo.
Steady! Hey, Bonzo!

Take it easy.

Shh!

Come on, Bonzo.
I'll get you home.

Now hang on, Bonzo.

Don't look down.

Watch it, Bonzo. Steady.

Bonzo!

Peter, don't drop Bonzo.

Come on up, Bonzo.

Hang on.
Don't be scared, Bonzo.

Take it easy.

That's it. Steady, Bonzo.

Bonzo!

Bonzo, don't drop Peter.

Take it easy, Bonzo.

Careful.

Uh, you'll make it.
You'll make it.

Come here, you old thing.
Come on.

Next time, call a zoo.

I don't know whether
to thank you for saving Bonzo,

or to thank
Bonzo for saving you.

Or Gestalt for
saving both of us.

Incredible!

That was taken in Joliet.

Incredible!

The minute I saw
his picture on this book,

I knew he was the guy.

The professor, eh?

Uh, that was just
one of his aliases.

He also operated
as Silky.

Yes, sir. The professor was the
sharpest con man who ever hit the rock.

Two weeks in stir,

and he had the tobacco
and the candy bar concession

right in his pocket.

No fuss, no muss,
just angles.

Nothin' but angles.

Why he taught me
more than--

Prof. Boyd is here, sir.

Send him in.

Good morning, sir.

Incredible.

Good morning,
Prof. Boyd.

Uh, you wanted
to see me?

Yes. I wanted you
to meet Mr., uh...

Breckenridge.

Sure pleased
to meet you.

How do you do, sir?

A dead ringer.

Is this gentleman's
name familiar to you?

Breckenridge?

I'm afraid not.

I was a pal
of your old man's.

I guess he never
told you about me.

No, he didn't.

Mr. Breckenridge says, uh,

your father
was his, uh, cellmate.

Is that so?

The old professor
died in my arms.

It'll be 20 years
next November.

When he was buried,
there wasn't a dry eye in our cellblock.

He had this sewed
in his undershirt.

It's your old lady.

He told me he never saw much
of her after you were born.

No. He wanted it
that way.

So you're
the professor's boy.

That's right.

Took his monicker, too.

Oh, he would've Liked that.

Prof. Boyd holds a degree
in Psychology.

The old professor did it the hard
way, without a degree.

Mr. Breckenridge.

Thanks for
bringing this to me.

Oh, I'd have brought it sooner
if I could've found you.

Your old man kind of
kept you under wraps.

I guess he knew
what he was doin'.

Big man, the professor.

I wonder what
graceful explanation

we can offer for
breaking the engagement.

Breaking the engagement?

Apparently, you don't
attach any significance

to Mr., uh,
Breckenridge's visit.

But I do.

Now I know that my father Loved
my mother till the day he died.

No doubt.

However, I'm referring to the
fact that your father was--

An habitual criminal?

Well...

What of it?
He paid his debt to society,

as the moralists
would put it.

How would you
put it, Peter?

My father was born and raised
in a slum environment.

Oh, environment.

I would put it this way,
Dean Tillinghast.

Given a decent start in life,
my father would have gone

just as far in the right direction
as he went in the wrong one.

Peter, you studied under Dr. Huxman,
the geneticist, didn't you?

Yes, sir.

Did you consider him
a good teacher?

An excellent teacher.

Did you agree
with his theory

that criminal traits
were hereditary?

I did not.

And did you ever
cite to Dr. Huxman

your own case
as an example?

I certainly did.

You did?

Yes.

And did it
alter his theory?

No, as a matter of fact,

he and the entire class
disagreed with me.

Oh, there you are.

But Dr. Huxman also recognized
my right to disagree with him.

So do I, Peter, but--

But I'm no longer good enough
to marry your daughter.

You forget that I was a
professor of genetics myself.

As a matter of fact,
Valerie is an example

of the genetic
approach to marriage.

Intellectual.
I'll take the credit for that,

and beautiful
like her mother was.

I think I know
Valerie's good points.

I asked her
to become my wife.

I appreciate that. But what
assurance have I that your children,

my grandchildren,
won't inherit criminal tendencies?

What do you
want us to do?

Give you
a written guarantee

that our kids won't grow up
to be con men and thieves?

We are men of science,
Peter.

And if we don't practice
those theories we believe in--

But what about
what Valerie believes in?

She's my daughter.

I'm willing to
overlook that point.

That's enough, young man.

Under the circumstances,
professor boy,

there's just
one thing you can do.

Under the circumstances,

let me tell you,
there's one thing you can do.

This you said
to the Dean.

This I said
to the Dean.

Shh.

What Language.

And from a
psychology professor.

The Dean has asked me to quietly
resign at the end of the term.

But that's
a complete nonsensicality.

Just because
your poppa--

Peter!

Oh, uh-uh, come in, Miss,
uh-uh... Dr. Tillinghast.

Dr. Neumann, I...

I was just going down the hall
to see Dr. Kohner

who maybe
wants to see me.

Father told me
what you said.

Did you wash his mouth
out with soap?

Oh, Peter, did you have
to blow up at him?

Valerie,
I'm not made of sawdust.

Well, uh, I suppose
you had a right to get angry

but, after all, it would be better
if we had father's approval.

I think it would be
better if we eloped.

Oh, Peter, that would be
the wrong way to start out.

It would only
widen the breach.

Why don't we let things
stand as they are for a while?

I think I can
bring Father around.

Bring him around?

Peter, we've got to
approach this

like two intelligent
human beings.

We just can't
settle things like that.

Well, I can. As far as I'm
concerned, he can go to--

Peter, don't!

Don't say anything
we'll both regret.

I'm sorry, Valerie.

All right.
You talk to your father.

But you'll see he'll call off
our engagement just the same.

Then we'll get engaged all over
again when this thing dies down.

Just don't
quarrel with Father.

Bonzo, I'm coming around
to your outlook on life.

There.

You see, Peter,

in a couple of days
you'll call her

and everything
will be fine.

What makes you
think so?

Uh, accidentally,
I was listening on the hole of the key.

No, Hans.

I'm afraid it's not
gonna be that easy.

So quickly
you give up?

Not on your life.

I'm gonna make that old man change
his attitude if it takes till I'm 90.

Good, Peter.
Good. Good.

Of course, Valerie probably won't
be interested in me when I'm 90.

Yeah.

Hmm.

You have your troubles,
I have mine.

What now?

Now he's on
a hunger strike.

Won't eat?

Not a crumb of it.

Have you tried bananas?

Bananas,
persimmons, coconuts.

My Anna even baked
a Kugelhopf for him.

Mit sugar. Nothing.

What about
a baby bottle?

That, too, but nothing.

I'm afraid to force-feed him.

It might be dangerous.

What do you suppose
is wrong with him?

I don't know.
He is very young.

Only a month ago
he came from Africa.

Maybe he is
Lonesome for his momma.

Hans, bring me the bottle.
I want to try something.

Well, Bonzo, I never did thank you for
savin' my life this morning, did I?

tuning fork humming

That's amazing.

Maybe he thinks
you're his poppa.

His poppa.

Hans, you've hit it.

What, uh, uh,
what did I hit?

Is there any way you could
let me keep him for a while?

Keep Bonzo?
Where? What for?

At home.

I want to see if he'll accept
a human environment.

You'll teach him to sleep in a
bed, to eat with a spoon,

and make patty-cakes?

What will that prove?

What if I could
teach this monkey

the difference
between right and wrong?

And how will you
know he knows?

He'll tell you maybe?

No, Hans.

By getting him to do right
without hope of reward,

to avoid wrong
without fear of punishment.

Something my father
never had a chance to learn.

Don't you see, Hans?

If it works,
Dean will have to admit

that environment
is all-important.

That heredity
counts for very little.

Uh, yes, but what if
the Dean finds out

that you are
carrying on this experiment,

right in front
of his back?

But he won't.

This'll be top secret until
Bonzo's ready to make his debut.

All right,
so he'll have a father.

But more things are needed
for a good home.

Well, I'll get 'em
for him.

You'll provide
maybe a mother?

Yes, I'll provide a mother.

How?

Well, I don't know.

But I'll do it.

Hans, this just can't go on.

I'm almost
out of my mind.

So far, six women
have refused the job.

One threatened
to call the police.

Uh, no, it's no use.
I'll have to give it up.

I've got to get
back to my classes.

Someone's at the door.
I'll call you back.

Cross your fingers, Bonzo.

This may be
your last chance.

No, stay there!

Now, be good!

Yes?

May I see
Prof. Peter Boyd?

I'm Prof. Boyd.

You are?

I thought all professors were
old men with Vandyke beards.

Well, I, uh--

I'm Jane Linden, from the Home
Service Domestic Agency in Hartford.

Oh, come in.

I'm sorry I got here so late,
but I took the wrong bus.

I don't know why, but I always
seem to be taking wrong buses.

I do hope you haven't found
someone else for the job already.

No, it's still open.

Wide open,
as a matter of fact.

Good.

Uh, won't you sit down,
Miss Linden?

You can call me
Jane if you like.

Well, thank you, Jane.

Have you been
plucking a chicken?

Oh, I've been doing a little
bit of everything Lately.

Oh, then, Mrs. Boyd is--

There is no Mrs. Boyd.

Oh, that's too bad.

That's why
I sent for someone--

Well, I hope you decide
I'm right for the job.

Well, Jane, I'm just as anxious
as you are for this to work out,

but, of course, I didn't
expect anyone quite so young.

I'm not so young.
I'm almost 23.

I was really
Looking for a woman

who'd had
experience as a mother.

I've raised five children.

You what?

Sure. My five brothers.

Mother died when I was 14,
so I had to bring up the kids.

There isn't anything I didn't
learn about children from that.

Well, I'm sure
that's true.

But, well, you see Bonzo isn't
the same as other children.

Hmm, all parents
feel that way.

You're a professor.
You should know that.

Yeah. Well, you don't
quite understand.

Of course I do.

How old is your baby?

I don't know.
two or three, I guess.

I'm not sure.

You're not sure?

Oh, uh... No.
You see, I--

Oh, he's adopted.

Well, sometimes you
learn to love the adopted ones

even more than your own.

I suppose so.

May I see him?

This way.

Look, I might as well
tell you now.

He's a monkey.

They all are.

A real monkey.

You should've
seen my brother, Gus.

Now that was
the ugliest little monkey--

You'd better
let me finish.

Look, Prof.
Boyd, you don't have to apologize for him.

I understand.
Honestly, I do.

Thudding
What's that?

Oh, Bonzo.

He probably turned
his crib over again.

The baby?
He might've hurt himself.

Not him.

Oh, well, you've got a lot to
learn about babies, haven't you?

When--when they fall down they
need someone's arms around them

to protect them
and make them feel secure.

I'd better go
right up there.

Look, I'm trying
to tell you.

I don't care
what you tell me.

I'm going up
there anyway.

It's a monkey!

Well, sure,
it's a monkey.

Why didn't you
tell me?

I did.
No, you didn't.

Oh, y-yes, you did,
didn't you?

Then you should've
told the agency.

If I'd have done that,
they'd have sent me an animal trainer.

That isn't
what I want.

Well, I hope you get what you
want, but it isn't me.

What's that?

Oh, poor little fella,
he's crying.

Why, he sounds
just like a baby.

Well, he isn't much different
when you get to know him.

Do you think
I frightened him?

Well, I'd say
you broke about even.

Do you think
it would help

if I went back in there
and made friends with him?

It might.
Why don't you try it?

Oh, he's turned it
completely over.

I guess that's why
he's crying.

He probably thinks
he's back in a cage again.

Come on.

All right, Bonzo.
Let's go back beddy-bye.

There you are.

Poor little fella.

He is kind of cute,
for a real monkey.

Hey, he seems to
like you.

I always get along
well with babies.

Uh, oh, no, Bonzo. He's
fascinated by shiny objects.

You'd better
take those off.

Oh, look at
those sleepers.

Did you put those on?

Well, I tried to,
but he isn't like a baby. He wiggles.

Oh, so babies
don't wiggle.

All you have to do is get started
right and then there's no problem.

Screaming It's as easy as
putting on a pair of gloves.

I wish I had a nickel
for every time

I've put a pair of sleepers
on one of my five brothers.

It's just a matter
of knowing how.

There.

Of course, it's all
a matter of knowing how.

Oh, well,
if he hadn't wiggled...

Like a baby?

Yeah.

You enjoy playing mother,
don't you?

Some day
I'm gonna be a real one.

And I want a Large family.
10, at least.

10?

There's an old saying
where I come from:

"On the tree that bears much
fruit, the sun shines brightest."

And where do you
come from?

My people are
farmers up north.

Poppa wasn't too happy
about my going off to work,

but we needed money
to expand the farm,

so, that's why
I'm doing this.

But, frankly, Prof. Boyd,
I don't see why you are.

It's fairly simple.

A lot of people think they're
born better than others.

I'm trying to prove it's the
way you're raised that counts.

That even a monkey brought up
in the right surroundings

can learn the meaning
of decency and honesty.

That's a fine thing to do.

Oh, I'll be right back.

You won't be afraid?

No.

Uh, Valerie.

Well, Peter,
at least you're alive.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Well, aren't you
going to ask me in?

Uh, well, I--I, uh,
was just going to bed.

Peter, I've been
worried about you.

You've never stayed away
from your classes before.

Dr. Neumann wouldn't
tell me what was wrong.

Oh, you'll never know what I've
gone through these past two days.

Me, too. Father's still too
upset to be reasoned with.

But that doesn't
mean that you and I

can't plan some
course of action.

Course of action.
That's what we must do.

Well, then,
in that case--

Peter, what's this for?

Oh, it's--it's for clothes.

Uh, my clothes.
I--I was just leaving.

But you just said
you were going to bed.

I--I am.
Soon as I get there.

Get where?
I'm not going to tell you.

'Cause if you don't know,

then no one can
worm it out of you.

But why should anybody
want to do that?

Valerie,
do you trust me?

Well, of course, Peter.

Then believe me,
it's very important to me and to you

that I get away
from here.

What are little boys made
of, made of?

What are little boys
made of?

That kid next door.

Every night they have to
sing him to sleep.

Peter, there's something very
odd going on in this house.

You're right.

But when I told that to Hans,
he said that I was developing

a--a--a persecution complex.

Why, I wouldn't stay
in this house another minute.

Peter, I--
Look, darling,

don't you worry
too much about me.

As soon as get in that car all
of my troubles will be behind me.

I've got to relax.

When people relax, their mental
processes are much more r-relaxed.

Goodbye, darling.

Shh. He's almost asleep.

You know something?

My brother, Gus,
wasn't half as cute as Bonzo.

Peter, what are you
doing here?

Oh, good morning,
Prof. Fosdick.

Well, I thought only the married
men did the breakfast shopping.

Uh, have you been
keeping something from us?

A-a-as a matter of fact,
I have.

Really?
Uh, y-yes.

For the past week I've been
conducting an experiment.

So it wasn't a vacation?

Oh, no.
A very important experiment.

Uh, with, uh, baby food?

Uh...

Uh, this won't go
any farther?

Of course not.

Well, then.

Who has more
energy than babies?

And what do they eat?

Of course.

The fountain of youth.

Are you conducting
this experiment on yourself?

Look.

Remarkable.

Good morning, Jane.

Good morning,
Prof. Boyd.

Um, good heavens,
what's that?

Swedish pancake.

Swedish pancake.

Yesterday
we had Dutch pancake.

Every morning something
different for breakfast.

Even my psyche
is gaining weight.

Uh-uh, now I know where
Bonzo gets his bad habits.

You'd better get started
on your orange juice.

Vacation's over and
you've got a lecture at 9:00.

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, Jane,
I reloaded the camera.

Remember,
keep on taking pictures

of anything unusual
Bonzo does, huh?

Uh-huh.

Clanging

What's the matter
with him?

Maybe he thinks you're getting
more attention than he is.

An Oedipus complex already?

I've only been
his father for a week.

I think he's just
plain hungry.

Here, Bonzo, eat your
pablum like a good boy,

hmm. And pretty soon
you'll grow up to be

a big, strong, handsome man
just like your daddy.

Then you'll have
Swedish pancakes, too.

That's outright bribery.

Bonzo!

Prof. Boyd.

Bonzo, that wasn't
a nice thing to do.

Bonzo!

Don't scold him.
He didn't mean it.

Well, that's beside the point.

Aggressiveness like that
could become an aberration.

Aggressiveness, aberration,
Oedipus complex.

What kind of way
is that to talk to a baby?

What do you mean?

Why don't you act
more like his father,

instead of like
a schoolteacher?

I guess I have
got a lot to learn

about being a father,
haven't I?

You sure have,
Prof. Boyd.

You know that "Prof.
Boyd" business might be part of it, too.

Why don't you try calling me something
more familiar, like, well, like "Father"?

Father?

Mmm, well, he might not
understand it at first,

but it would give more
of a family atmosphere.

Not to me,
it wouldn't.

The only time Momma
ever called Poppa "Father"

was when
she was mad at him.

Oh, "Daddy" would sound a little
silly, wouldn't it?

Uh-huh.

Poppa?

Yes. Poppa.

Well, then I'd have to
call you...

Momma.

Momma goes with Poppa.

Well, let's see
how he reacts.

Uh, Poppa. Poppa.

Momma. Momma.

Poppa. Poppa.

Momma.

Poppa. Momma.

Well, maybe we ought to show
more affection like real parents.

That might help.

How did your parents
act around the house?

Well, um...

Take at breakfast
like this.

Momma always
served us kids first,

and then we'd hear
Poppa upstairs

singing Loud enough
to shake the house.

And then pretty soon,

Poppa would come tiptoeing
into the kitchen,

and Momma always pretended like
she didn't know he was there.

Well, he'd wink at us kids

and sneak up behind
Momma and grab her

around the waist
and kiss her on the ear.

That's just what Momma used to
do, but she Loved it.

And then us kids
would Laugh and Laugh

and Poppa would
grin at us and say:

"By golly, I'm the richest
man in six counties."

Yeah, well, uh...

Well, didn't your father have some,
well, some less informal way of acting,

oh, like when he'd say good
morning and go off to work?

Oh, sure.

Poppa’s grab Momma
right up off her feet

and kiss her right
smack on the mouth

and say,
"Hilda, my little chicken,

that's to keep you
till I get back."

Well,

well, let's try
that goodbye part.

Janie, my little chicken,

that's to keep you
till I get back.

He doesn't
seem very impressed.

Frankly, Poppa,
neither is Momma.

Yeah.

"The causal relations between
a self-conserving system

"and its environment
are essentially reciprocal

and cyclical in nature."

Oh, uh, very good.
Very good.

Now I understand

there are several other papers
that might be interesting.

Well, go on.

Well, when I decided to
go ahead with the experiment,

I called an employment agency
and told them I needed a woman

who had experience
taking care of babies.

About a dozen
applicants showed up.

What did they say when they
found out it was a monkey?

Well, most of them
didn't say anything.

They just screamed
and ran.

The rest thought it was a
joke, but not a very funny one.

And you should've seen
the types they sent over.

I would've settled
for anything.

Then this Linden
woman came along.

She grabbed the job.

Poor thing.
She must've needed it badly.

Oh, she did.
Fine woman, though.

Raised five children.
Uh, good farm stock.

Peter, I think
this is wonderful.

I don't blame you
for keeping it a secret

until you're sure
of the results.

Now I'd look pretty ridiculous if
the experiment didn't work out.

Peter, I'm coming
over tomorrow night.

You're coming over?

Yes, maybe I can help.

Uh, well, that's impossible.
You can't.

Well, why not?

You're teaching Bonzo good
manners, aren't you?

Uh, yes.

Let's see how
he behaves with a guest.

Uh, he's not ready
for that yet.

Uh, we can't push him.
Maybe later.

Peter,
I have a confession to make.

You've been
avoiding me so much Lately

that I was beginning to suspect
there was another woman.

You're joking.

No, I'm not.

I can be a very
jealous woman, you know.

I'm flattered.

It won't be long now.

Bonzo, polite little boys
do not sit on the table.

Now get back
in your chair.

Keep your feet down.

All right.

I'll just bet
Poppa's forgotten

this is your two-week
anniversary with us.

Won't he be surprised?

I guess we won't wait up
for Poppa any longer.

Never mind.

We--we'll celebrate
the anniversary

of our third week
together next Tuesday.

Now, walk like a man.

I'm sure Poppa
has a good reason

for not coming home
or even calling.

A college professor
is a very busy man, you know.

Maybe he got
tied up in a meeting

with other members
of the faculty.

And even if he isn't,

a man with all
those things on his mind

is Liable
to forget anything.

After all,
being a college professor

is a lot more than just
teaching others to be smart.

There are papers to correct
and report cards.

Maybe he even had to look
up something at the Library.

Any one of these things
could keep him out late.

In fact,
it's too much to expect Poppa

to come home
for dinner every night.

All right,
now go to bed.

What are little boys
made of, made of?

What are little boys
made of?

Snips and snails

And puppy dogs' tails

That's what
little boys are made

Never mind, things will look
a lot better in the morning.

Good night, Bonzo.

Bonzo!

What's the matter?

Oh. I know.

Poor little boy.

Momma can't sleep
very well either.

Here. Come on
over here.

There you are.

Oh, no!

Jane!

Jane!

What is it?

Bonzo's gone.
The window's open.

He's been kidnapped!

He was too upset to sleep
so he came running in here.

Well, what upset him?

Well, maybe it's because you
didn't come home to dinner.

After all, it's a new
experience for him.

The first time
Poppa didn't come home?

Jane, something
wonderful's just happened.

It has?

It's unbelievable.

Really?

It just hit me.

It did?

Yeah.

He opened two doors
to get to his momma.

Oh.

What do you know, Bonzo?

Here's another
book by Poppa.

It's called
The Power of Environment.

Isn't that--

Bonzo,
are you hiding something?

What've you got there?

Come on now,
let Momma see.

Get out.

Aren't you
tired of these yet?

Now what did
Poppa say to do?

First, put back.

Put them back, Bonzo.

Put the beads back.

Please, Bonzo.

Put the beads back.

Be a good boy.
Put Momma's beads back.

Oh.

Poor Momma.

Poor Momma.

Please, Bonzo,
put the beads back.

Oh, that's a good boy.

Good boy!

Just wait till Momma
tells Poppa about this.

Oh, dear, why didn't I
take pictures?

If I'm going to cook
your Poppa's supper,

I'd better get started.

Now, you just play quietly
until Momma gets back.

Well, that finishes our discussion
of sensation and perception.

Tomorrow we'll take up
conditioned reflexes.

That's all.
Thank you.

Prof. Boyd.

Oh, Prof. Boyd.

It's working
like a charm.

I couldn't have
done this a week ago.

Isn't that a little
strenuous for you, Fosdick?

Not at all.

I'm on your diet.

My what?

You know,
the fountain of youth.

Oh.

Who has more
energy than babies?

Just watch.

Bicycle tires squealing

Prof. Boyd, you're wanted
in the Dean's office.

Thank you.

The Dean wants me?

No, but little chicken does.

I beg your pardon.

I can only give you
the message as I received it.

It came over the phone
and was relayed here.

A woman who gave the name
of little chicken

wanted you to know that
"Poppa's boy is up a tree."

Poppa's boy?

That was the exact message
from little chicken.

It's someone's idea of a joke,
Mrs. Swithen.

We haven't got the funds

to expand the Laboratory
at this time, Dr. Neumann.

You'll just have
to wait until--

Prof. Boyd!

Excuse me.

Hans, our experiment's
up a tree.

Experiment?

You know,
my houseguest,

the young man who is
visiting here from Africa.

Nein!

Ja.

Bonzo, this has gone
far enough.

I've had enough
of your foolishness.

Now, do you hear me?

Bonzo, you come down here.

You come down
here this minute.

If you fall,
don't you come crying to me.

Please, Bonzo, for Momma?

Come down right now
and I won't punish you.

All right,
if you won't come down,

I'm coming up after you.
Then you'll get it!

Number, please. Hello.

Hello.
Hello, number, please.

Hello, number, please.

Will you answer
your number, please?

What's the matter?
Do you need help?

Get the address
for Brighton 634,

then ring
the fire department.

Someone's trying
to get help.

It sounds as if
they're suffocating.

I'll call the police.

Police department, a call just
came through information, get me...

From Brighton 634, the address is...
...and hurry, please.

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself,

making Momma
climb trees.

Maybe you enjoy this game
of hide-and-seek,

but I don't.

Bonzo, wherever you are,
please come down.

You can't hide from me much
longer, you bad boy!

Bonzo! Oh, you--you put
that Ladder back!

Bonzo!

Bonzo!

Jane! Jane!

Up here, Poppa.
Up here!

Oh, the bananas!
We'll never get him without the bananas.

Hurry up.
I'm stuck up here.

Help me get down.

Is Bonzo up there?

No!

Well, what are you
doin' up there?

I'm hanging on to a branch
that's about to break off.

Any further questions?

Don't move!

Hang on, Jane.
I'll be right there.

Be careful that you're not
suddenly both right here.

All right now,
just hang on.

Don't move.
You'll be all right.

I thought you said
Bonzo wasn't up here.

Well, he wasn't.

Well, he is now. Bonzo!

You get down
before I tan your hide!

No!

Bonzo!

Look out, Bonzo.
You'll fall.

Bonzo, get down!

Poppa, make him stop.

Where's the fire?
Yeah, come on, where is it?

We have no fire.

Somebody called the fire
department from this house.

You know, there's a law against
turnin' in a false alarm.

Who's falsing
an alarm?

Our monkey's
up a tree.

Well, Prof. Boyd,
what're you doin' up in a tree with a--

Did you say
a monkey?

Would one of you public servants
come up and help the young lady down?

You heard the professor.

You were saying...

There's a very simple
explanation for all this,

but I can't think
what it is.

Come on, fellas.

We mustn't waste
any more time.

We got to get that monkey off
the telephone wires.

Yeah, we better do that
right away.

Over here. See?

Well, he was there.

And he was
wearing glasses.

Oh, sure, he was.
I saw him with my own eyes.

Didn't you, Harry?

Oh, sure, it was a gorilla,
about so high.

It was not.

He's a young chimpanzee with,
I might add, a higher IQ

than that required
for the police force.

Are you sure he wasn't uh,
a rabbit about 6 feet tall?

No!

It wasn't a rabbit,
anyhow.

Well, you don't need us
around here any more.

Wait a minute!

You've got to help me
find that monkey!

Take it easy,
Professor.

You've been
workin' too hard.

I have not!

We'll just forget
about the false alarm, huh?

Oh, all that excitement.

It's not good
for the heart.

Yeah, but we still don't
know where Bonzo is.

My fault. I shouldn't have
let him out of my sight.

You can say that again.

That's a mother's
responsibility.

And calling the college?

Suppose someone
had caught on about us.

What else could I do,
Poppa?

Please, please,
for 35 years my Anna and I

have not had
a family quarrel.

Don't start in so early.

It's not good
for the home.

On the contrary,
Dr. Neumann,

there is nothing like a family
quarrel to expose the truth.

Hello, Valerie.

I hope you'll forgive me
for intruding.

Now, just a minute.
There's more to this than meets the eye.

That's quite obvious.
No, it isn't.

Then, may I say
something, please?

You've done
enough for one day.

Now, now, Poppa.

Momma should have her say.

She also ought to
have an engagement ring.

It seems long overdue.

Uh...

Valerie!
Valerie!

I didn't know he was
engaged to someone.

It's his own fault.

A poppa should tell a momma when
he's engaged to another woman.

Look, darling,

there's a simple
explanation for all this.

You made me listen
the other night, remember?

"Fine woman, raised five
children, good farm stock."

Poor thing,
she must've needed the job badly.

You've got the wrong
idea about all this.

I did hire her
because of Bonzo.

Father was right.
You are what you are.

Environment merely provides
the camouflage to hide it.

And so we decided to prove
that Peter was right

by experimenting
with Bonzo.

You see?

Yes, I see.

Don't worry.

Everything will be
all right.

Jane?

Would you go upstairs
and get Bonzo, please?

I want Dr. Neumann to
take him back to the Lab.

Are you going to
give up the experiment

just because of this?

Well, there's no reason
to continue it now.

Oh, poor little Bonzo.

After having had
such a nice home,

he won't like it
being put back in a cage.

A cage?

You're not going
to put Bonzo in a cage

like he was
a--a--a criminal?

Jane,
let me explain the situation--

Hans has
already done that.

Well, there's no longer any reason
to use Bonzo as a guinea pig.

Don't you dare call
Bonzo a guinea pig.

Listen, you wanted him
to learn the difference

between right and wrong,
didn't you?

Well, he did.

Today, when he took my beads,
he gave them back to me.

Just because
I asked him to.

Ah, this is
remarkable progress.

Now even you
must admit that.

What did you
bribe him with?

Nothing.

I just made believe
I was crying,

and I guess he didn't want to
see me unhappy. That's all.

See? See?

Oh, what's the use?

Even if Bonzo gave
a lecture on Darwinism,

it wouldn't do me
any good now.

No, Jane, I'm going to give
you a month's salary and--

You don't have to give me
anything, Prof. Boyd.

And what's more,
I think Bonzo's going to be better off.

He couldn't learn very much
from a man who quits

the first time
anything goes wrong.

I agree with Momma
100 percent.

Peter Boyd,
you are a big quitter.

Oh, Hans,
that's not fair.

Who wants to be fair?

Who cares whether you win
or lose Miss Tillinghast?

In the interest of science,

you should carry on
with the experiment.

And I bet with you anything,
if it is successful,

Miss Tillinghast will beg you
to return the--the thing,

the engagement ring.

Well, if she does
I'm going to tell her

that she has Jane
to thank for it, believe me.

Oh, you will?

Uh, perhaps
we'll ask my Anna first

if that is such
a good idea.

Poppa, Hans.

Bonzo isn't upstairs.
What?

I even looked
in the attic.

He might get
run over or lost.

And that could cost me
$2,000. Come on!

That's a fine thing
for a father to say

when his child is lost.

Peter, it's 11:00 already.

How much longer do we search
for a noodle in the haystack?

I guess you're right,
Hans.

We might as well
admit he's lost.

Perhaps tomorrow
morning we can call

the Lost and
Foundling department.

That might be a good--

Hans, look.
Over there.

It's Bonzo.
It's our little one.

Easy,
now, don't frighten him.

Attaboy, Bonzo.
Well, are you glad to see me?

Well, I'm glad to see you.

Don't worry, Bonzo.

He won't put you
back in a cage.

Let's go home.

We started
these aptitude tests

a couple of weeks
after he ran away.

Two minutes and ten seconds.
How's that, Hans?

That's remarkable.

You know with
proof like that--

What's this?

Oh, that's
the first time

Bonzo demonstrated table
manners without being coached.

I don't believe it.

Well, there it is.

You know, my little grandson
in Los Angeles,

he could take
Lessons from him.

Uh, something's
happening?

No, no, that's Jane
Locking the starting button

so we can be
in the picture together.

Now this is good.

We do this every morning

uh, before I leave for class,
so that Bonzo--

Every morning
you kiss Jane?

Well, certainly.
How else can we create

the proper
atmosphere for him?

Harmony in the home.

Now, these are the sacrifices
we have to make for science.

Oh.

I hid in the closet with
the camera to get this.

By repetition, I established that
everything in that drawer was mine.

I wanted to see if he'd know if
he was doing something wrong.

Watch this.

I chose the most
tempting prize.

Well...
Ah...

Is that moral reasoning?

Oh, it's unbelievable.

You know,
our Bonzo is as good as gold.

It's wunderbar.

I think you could give a
demonstration for the Dean right now.

He'll see a demonstration
when I appear

before the Psychological
Society next month.

I'm going to make
him eat humble pie.

Then I'll clear
everything up with Val.

Oh.

Say, I have a class.

And I have the Dean.
He wants to see me.

Maybe I'll get a Larger
appropriation. I hope.

Oh, you and Anna haven't forgotten
about the birthday party tonight?

Well, Anna had to go to
New Haven to visit her sister.

But, uh, I wouldn't dream
of missing Bonzo's birthday.

Personally, I think
it's stretching it a bit,

but Jane insists
that he have one

even though we don't know
how old he is.

Always I agree with Jane.

Do you know why?

Because she has a heart,
a beautiful heart.

And that doesn't grow
from snobbish chromosomes.

I'll see you tonight.

Uh, Neumann.

Good afternoon,
Dean Tillinghast.

Good news for you.
Sit down.

Thank you.

We're going to be able to add
$500 to your Laboratory fund.

Oh, that's wonderful.

$500, we can always use.

How's that little chimpanzee
of ours getting along, Doctor?

Chimpanzee?

Yes, the eccentric
little fellow.

Oh, him.

He's fine,
thank you very much.

He-- he's very intelligent.

You wouldn't believe it.

Good. We're going to send him
to Yale University.

Yale?

Yes.

He's not that intelligent.

What?

A joke.

I've just sold him
for $2,500.

You sold him?

See that he's shipped
to Dr. Willis

of the Medical
Research Department.

Why Medical Research?

Well, they've just lost a chimpanzee
and they have to have another one

in order to
complete the project.

And they will use our little
chimpanzee for this?

Yes.

No, no, Dean Tillinghast.
You can't do that.

Oh, why not? We haven't been
making use of him, anyway.

Well, you see,
our little...

The--the--the little one
we--we have... We...

We've not...

He's not here.

Not here?
Where is he?

He was not feeling well
so I thought perhaps

a few weeks
in the country,

in the mountains
might do him good.

Little vacation.

You're not making sense,
Dr. Neumann.

What's wrong with him?

He's slightly verruckt.
He's crazy.

He thinks
he's a little boy.

Come now.

Our Bonzo is
no ordinary animal.

He's good
and he's kind.

Really, Neumann,
you amaze me.

I've always considered you
a devoted scientist.

Get him back at once
from wherever you have him.

Then crate him
and ship him to Yale.

I've promised Willis
delivery by Monday.

Please.

Who needs $500?

We have everything.

Monday, Dr. Neumann.

Monday.

Monday.

He certainly Likes
your gift, Uncle Hans.

Perhaps he'll grow up
to be a 6-weeks bicycle racer.

Come on, Bonzo.
Here's your cake.

Bonzo, look,
a birthday cake.

Hey, look here. He's ready to
blow out those candles already.

Wait a minute.

Isn't he supposed
to make a wish first?

I wonder
what it would be.

Let me wish for him.

Yes, you wish.

Bonzo, I wish that
you'll have

many more birthdays
just like this one.

With those you love and trust
around you always

to share your happiness.

And I wish that you'll get
a chance very soon to prove

that being Loved and Looked
after like a human being

has made you feel
like a human being.

And that if love
can do that to you,

then it ought to be able to
make some other human beings

human beings.

Why, you old duffer.

This is supposed to be
a happy occasion.

I'm happy,
only my eyes are crying.

Come on, Bonzo,
make your wish come true.

Blow out the candles.

Attaboy, Bonzo.

Good boy, Bonzo.

You're supposed to eat
your cake, not wear it.

All right, it's your birthday
so you can sleep in it,

but you won't be
comfortable.

Good night, Bonzo.

It was like a real
kid's party, wasn't it?

Yeah.

I only wish Bonzo should Live
to have another birthday.

Okay, out with it.

You've been acting like
a second-year medical student

at his first postmortem.

Postmortem.

Don't say that.

What's wrong?

All right, Peter.
I admit something is wrong.

I--I--I--I didn't want to talk
about it in--in-- In front of Jane.

Peter, what if, uh...
I mean...

Suppose you had
to give up Bonzo?

Oh, so that's it.
Now, Hans, be sensible.

I expect to give up Bonzo,

just as soon as
the experiment's finished.

It isn't wise to
get too attached to animals.

To that conclusion
I have already jumped.

But what about Jane?

Well, I expect
she'll take it pretty hard.

She's very
emotional about him.

It's a sublimation,
a transference

since at the moment
she hasn't anyone

upon whom to
Lavish her affections.

You're sure of that, huh?

Positive.
I know her like a book.

Don't worry about her.
She'll get over it all right.

I'll give her three months
salary when I let her go.

She'll have a long vacation before
she has to take another job.

Why,
that's very generous of you.

She deserves it.

I only hope she meets some
nice, worthwhile young fellow.

You know, Peter,
if I were a young man,

and I hadn't met my Anna,
and I'd meet Jane,

I'd make Jane my Anna.

Under different circumstances
I might feel the same way.

That's if Jane
would be your Anna.

Jane?

So I'm subli--

Whatever you call it,
transferring, am I?

Oh, Jane, now.

So you know me
like a book?

As far as I'm concerned,
Prof. Peter "Poppa" Boyd,

you've come to the last page
to where it says "The End."

Now, what's that
all about?

Ah, dumpkopf!

And what's got
into you?

You-- You're
the psychologist.

You ought to know.

Uh, go back to school
and study your Freud.

Wait a minute.

Are you trying to tell me
that--that she's in love with me?

Oh, no,
I couldn't imagine it.

How could a nice,
warmhearted girl

like Jane fall
in love with uh, a spigot?

Turn on, emotion.
Turn off, no emotion. Uh...

Well, I--I never
realized, I--

I didn't think--

Who expects
a psychologist to think?

Especially when
you're so busy thinking

what you think other
people are thinking.

Do you know of what I was
thinking all evening?

I guess not, Hans.

Wh...

I'll tell you tomorrow.

You have enough troubles.

Come drive me home.

In a minute.

Jane.

Jane.

Go away.

Jane, please.
I want to talk to you.

Go away!

I told you to go away.

I don't want to
see you anymore.

Bonzo screaming

Bonzo! How on earth did you
ever get out here? Did Jane--

Where is Momma?
Where is Momma?

De Witt's jewelry.
Bonzo!

You stay there.

Now, you stay here.

I'll be there
in a minute!

Now, listen, Hans, go to
my house and wake up Jane.

Bring her down to the corner
of Elm and Republic right away.

I'll be waiting in my car.
What's the matter?

A little matter of 10 years,
if you don't hurry.

What kept you?

Peter, something
terrible has happened.

You're telling me.

Jane has gone.

What do you mean,
gone?

Gone. Disappeared.

She left a note. Here.

"So this time I'm taking
the bus back to Hartford,

"and I hope you'll be very
happy with your Dr. Tillinghast.

Yours truly,
Jane Linden"

See? Gone.

Well, she certainly
picked the right time.

For what?

I'll tell you
about it on the way.

Come on in my car.

Hello, Bonzo.
Come on. Come.

Get in. Get in here, Bonzo.
Get back in here.

Get in there.
Come here.

But how?

That's what
I'd like to know.

It's a sure thing he couldn't get
in from this side of the building.

Let's take a look
around in back.

Hey, you come back
and sit down.

You've done enough
for one night.

Bonzo, move over.

Shh.

Do you think
he'll do it?

Well, if he doesn't,

he won't be
the only one in a cage.

Now, Bonzo,
be a good boy.

Put back.

Please put back,
in there.

In there!

Bonzo, like you do
for Momma.

Put back. Please?
Put back.

Oh, why did Jane have to
pick tonight to go away?

Bonzo, not Momma's.
Put back!

Do you think it's possible
to catch up with Jane?

Oh, sure. The bus is
halfway to Hartford.

By the time we got back,
this place'd be swarming with police.

There is one way
we might get him to do it.

Bananas.

Bananas?

Who sells bananas
at this time of the night?

I've got some at home
in the kitchen.

Why don't you jump in the car
and get 'em real quick?

I'll stay here with him and
maybe figure something out.

All right.
Take him with you, but hurry.

Going somewhere?

Why, yes.

If you tell me
you're playin' fireman,

I'll Laugh myself to death.

Come on.

But, Officer...

"Ingenious
robbery baffles police.

"Despite a 12 hour grilling,

"Prof. Boyd refused
to divulge the manner

"in which he allegedly
stole the gems

and showed no sign of
cooperating with the police."

Hey, how about that?

"The brilliant young
psychologist admitted

"he was the son of
the late 'Silky' Boyd

"alias 'The Professor',

"a notorious confidence man
of the past.

The district attorney plans to
question Boyd further today."

Now, look here,
Professor.

You may know a lot
about psychology,

but you don't
know the law.

We could send you up for possession
of stolen goods if nothing else.

That's 2-to-10,
Professor.

Now why don't you be a
good fellow and come clean?

I've told you the truth,
strange as it sounds.

Strange is right.

Like the time
Daggett, here,

caught you up a tree
with a blonde.

Lookin' for
a monkey with glasses.

You told me
that before.

That was the truth, too.

All right, let's go
back to the original story.

Now,

you say it was a monkey
that took the necklace.

Correct.

A monkey that
wasn't there.

At the moment I was
apprehended, that's right.

Now, without jimmying
any doors or windows,

this monkey
that wasn't there

got into Dewitt's jewelry
store and took a necklace

that wasn't there, after the
monkey that wasn't there got away.

Sounds absurd,
doesn't it?

No, no,
not at all.

But there is one little thing
we haven't quite cleared up.

Where was the monkey
if he wasn't there?

On his way home.

All the way
to Africa?

Don't be ridiculous.

Yes, Mac.
Don't be ridiculous.

He's telling the truth.

I see the whole
thing very clearly.

This monkey
is a finger man.

The Fagin of a mob
that hangs out at the zoo.

He and the mob get together
to plan a little job.

"How's about the first national
bank," says the orangutan.

"Or maybe the post office,"
says the baboon.

"Oh no!" says Fagin.

"Let's try
Dewitt's jewelry store.

"It's a cinch.

The walls are
made of ectoplasm."

"We can walk right through,
take what we want, and walk out."

"Yeah, but how about the
swag?" Asked the gorilla.

"I got a fence comes right
to the job," says Fagin.

"His moniker is
'The Professor'.

"Pays off plenty peanuts.

He don't ask
no questions."

And he don't answer none!

Daggett, take him away.

Please, Bonzo, eat.
Please.

What am I going
to do with you?

Your poppa
is in jail

and by now they're
giving him the 13th degree.

We can't find
your momma

and you're going
away to Yale.

Please, eat. If only
to keep up my strength.

Look.

Mmm-hmm.

Uncle Hans.

Liebling.

I got here just
as soon as I could.

For heavens sakes,
what happened?

What happened?

Bonzo took a necklace
and Peter is accused

because without you,
he cannot make him put it back.

And now they've
come to take Bonzo.

To jail?

No, to Yale.

Oh, Bonzo.

Well, you poor little fella
in that nasty little cage.

Why the Department
of Medical Research?

Why do you think?

Oh, no!

Well, we'll see
about that.

Wait, Jane.
Wait, Jane.

And so, to teach
the monkey human ethics,

we experimented.

And then one night,
something goes wrong.

It went wrong long
before last night.

He only did it
for you.

That's beside the point.

Do you realize, Neumann,
that if I choose

to believe this
fantastic tale,

I should have to ask
for your resignation

for misusing
school property?

Please, Bonzo.

That's not the way to make
friends and influence deans.

The
deliverymen are here, sir.

They've come
for the chimpanzee.

Have them
come in here at once.

Oh, no, you don't.

Nobody's going
to take Bonzo.

What do you
think you're doing?

I don't believe
you want to help Peter.

My dear young lady,
you're being very impertinent.

No. She is being
very pertinent.

Pertinent is right.

After all,
she is Bonzo's momma.

What?

That's what
Peter calls her.

An unofficial title,
I believe.

If you mean what I think you
mean, that's a dirty crack.

It's exactly
what I mean.

You know something?
I feel sorry for you.

It must be awful to be
without a flaw inside or out.

And to sit way up on a throne
someplace afraid of being just a woman,

and falling in love
with someone

who's not as perfect
as you are.

See here, Miss Linden.

Well, Peter may not be
perfect, but he loves her.

The dope.

And I want to help him
because I'm a dope, too.

You're no dope, Jane.
You couldn't be.

You haven't a university degree
and you don't teach Logic.

Well, Yale will have to do
without Bonzo.

And I will have to do
without $2,000.

Come, Jane.

Well, now that
you've explained it,

the whole thing
seems very Logical.

But there are a few little
things I'd like to clear up.

Now, you, Miss Linden,

you say you were on your way to
Hartford at the time of the robbery

for some reason
you do not care to explain.

It was very personal.

Oh, forgive my prying.

And you, Prof. Boyd,

can you give me
just one teensy clue

as to how Junior, here,
got into Dewitt's Jewelry store?

No proof, mind you,
just a clue?

I've told you repeatedly,
Mr. Babcock,

I don't know
how he did it.

Yes, you have.

I've also told you repeatedly that
I'm sure Miss Linden can get him

to put the necklace back,
and then we'll know how he got in.

Well, we're prepared to let him
try, aren't we, Mr. Dewitt?

Yes, I'm prepared.

Of course,
it's only an imitation,

but I doubt if even a genius like
Bonzo could tell the difference.

Okay, young lady,
make him return it.

And be sure
he gets a receipt!

See, Bonzo?
These are Momma's.

Now put these back.

Put these back.

He's going to do it.
He's going to do it.

What are we waiting for?

Well, that's it.
Four hours is long enough.

That jungle
Houdini isn't coming.

Please be patient,
Mr. Petcock.

Babcock.

Couldn't we wait just a little
longer, Mr. Babcock?

I'm afraid
it's hopeless, Jane.

He found his way here the
first time by accident.

It's too much to hope
he can do it again.

If I were you, Boyd,
I'd get myself a good Lawyer.

Okay, Lieutenant,
take them back to the--

It's Bonzo.

I knew he'd do it.
I just knew it.

So I feel justified
in saying

that Bonzo was motivated
in everything he did

by love for those who Loved
and protected him.

Splendid work, Boyd!

Oh, forgive me.
I've just been reminded

that I'm holding up
the first step

of another
important experiment.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Operation Bonzo, as it is now known

has greatly added to the
prestige of Sheridan College.

Because of this,
I feel impelled to say that--

Not now, Father.

You're holding up
a honeymoon.

Happy honeymoon!

Congratulations to you!

Well, Peter,

I wish that you two should always
be as happy as my Anna and me.

Thanks, Hans,
for everything.

And you, too,
Valerie.

You've been wonderful.

I'm glad for you, Peter.

I'm really glad for the way
everything has turned out.

Oh, look, young fella.

Just this once,
the back seat for you.

Now you stay there
and be good.

Bonzo.

Bonzo.

Bonzo!
Whose honeymoon is this?

Get back here
in the back seat!

Oh, Poppa.

By golly, I'm the richest man
in six counties.